If I asked you “Do you love yourself unconditionally?” …Could you say yes? I know for me, I have to remind myself to love unconditionally no matter what is going on with my life. Being raised in an environment where love has conditions, makes it hard for us to love ourselves without conditions. We are hardest on ourselves. It’s important for us to remove the conditions and to love ourselves as we are, even through our darkest days.
1. Every night I ask myself, “What are 2-3 things I did well today?” For a lot of us, at the end of the day, we can’t shut our thoughts off, and for many of us, the thoughts are negative. We rehash in our head what we did wrong, what didn’t work or what we forget to do. Instead, let’s change the negativity to positivity by ending our night going over the good in our day, the things we did well. Don’t look for big things, it could be the little things that you did well that makes the difference.
2. Self Compassion: Instead of judging and criticizing ourselves, we need to show kindness and love. When things go wrong in our life, listen to the negative self talk that pops up. The autopilot thoughts that remind us that nothing ever goes right or that we are stupid or a failure.
When you hear those autopilot thoughts repeating themselves, tell it to stop! You can say STOP out loud or to yourself. You can visualize a stop sign or red light. Whatever will help you to stop the negative thoughts in their tracks.
Once you stop the thoughts, start with kindness and compassion. Remind yourself of the effort you made, the risk you took, the accomplishments you have had in the past. Remind yourself of what you learned from the situation but without being judgmental or critical.
3. Emotional detox: If you are surrounded by negative, toxic people, it’s hard to feel good about anything. Instead, hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself. When you spend time with someone, you should leave with a boost of happiness. If you find yourself feeling drained or down, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
4. Put yourself first: You can’t give what you don’t have! If you are not taking care of yourself, how could you be your best for everyone else? Putting yourself first means self-care, saying “no” and doing things that you enjoy.
5. Forgiveness: When you love yourself unconditionally, you learn that you will make mistakes. That’s part of being human and the growth process. Instead, of spending time putting yourself down, take that time to forgive yourself. Take the time to realize why you made the mistake, what you could do differently next time. Ask yourself, what did you learn and how did it change you for the the better? We will all make mistakes, it’s normal and expected so instead of beating yourself up for each mistake, try forgiveness. With forgiveness comes unconditional love.
Unconditional Love Exercise: On a piece of paper, make three columns. In column one, write down all your skills. In column two, write down all your roles and in column three, write down your accomplishments.
This might take some time. Clients tell me it could take a few days to remember everything. Remember, we have skills and accomplishments all the way back to childhood and they are all important.
When you are done, take a long look at the paper and everything you have written to see how much you have done, how much you have grown and accomplished. Leave this list in a place you can look at every time you are feeling unloved or like a failure to remind yourself of all the good in your life.
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