Regrets and OptimismRobert Brooks, Ph.D.
This is my last website article until September. As I have expressed in previous June articles, I am very appreciative of the many thoughtful e-mail messages I have received from my readers in response to my monthly columns. I always welcome your feedback, questions, and insights as well as suggestions for future topics. Your responses are very meaningful to me. One of my primary goals in writing these articles is not only to share information and ideas but to have the information and ideas serve as a catalyst for self-reflection and self-change.
Given the response I received to my May article about “regrets,” it certainly seems to have achieved the goal of eliciting much thought. A number of readers wrote that the article prompted them to identify regrets they currently have and, most importantly, to consider what steps they might take to remedy these regrets. Others shared regrets they held in the past but subsequently addressed and in the process felt emotionally healthier for doing so.
Several mentioned that they read and re-read the final paragraph of the May article in which I asked readers to imagine that they were one of Bronnie Ware’s patients. Ware is the Australian nurse who devoted several years working in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives and wrote a blog and book about the five main regrets her patients expressed about their lives as they faced imminent death (please see last month’s article for a discussion of these five regrets).
In my final paragraph, I asked how each of us would respond if we were a patient of Ware’s and she asked, “What, if any, regrets do you have about the life you have led?” I emphasized that our answer could serve as a catalyst and guidepost for the behaviors we adopt in the future. I observed that regrets are part of the human experience, but if we are burdened by too many of them, there is a lessening of joy and satisfaction. Consequently, it may be beneficial to embrace and apply the wisdom shared by dying patients to our own lives.
The problem with these comments is what Ware discovered with her dying patients, namely, years later people have genuine regrets for not having made more of an effort to maintain a close relationship with friends or family or to follow one’s interests and passions or to live life in concert with one’s values. The key to lessening regrets is to come to the honest conclusion that we did what was within our power to do, even if the outcome of our actions was not always positive.
I would agree that effort is a major component in changing one’s outlook and actions, but it is important to remember that people will exert more effort if they believe that this effort will lead to positive outcomes. If they do not hold this belief, they are likely to give up, feeling “what’s the use of trying?” Thus, it is imperative that people experience at least some small success in the short term to reinforce their commitment to long-term actions. Even if we caution in advance that change takes time, it can be very discouraging to most individuals if they do not see within a short period some favorable results from their effort.
Everly advises “let people experience success” by providing encouragement, mentoring, and training. Very importantly, he emphasizes that we promote “self-efficacy—the belief that we are agents of change,” basically what I have called personal control. Everly warns that self-efficacy cannot be “given” but is based on realistic accomplishment when faced with challenge. It is genuine success that reinforces a belief in personal control.
How beset to maximize genuine success? In our book The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life, my colleague and close friend Sam Goldstein and I offer realistic strategies for replacing scripts that involve negative thoughts, feelings, and actions with positive scripts. In a number of my website articles, including February, 2005 in which I outlined Sonja Lyubomirsky’s eight recommended actions for achieving happiness, I have attempted to highlight manageable initial steps we can take that can eventuate in long-term positive changes.
Exercise every day. I have advocated this activity in many of my writings. Psychiatrist John Ratey in his thoughtful book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, provides ample evidence to demonstrate that regular exercise for both children and adults helps one to focus, deal more effectively with negative emotions such as depression, and feel happier. Unfortunately, all too often when someone is feeling down they are less likely to exercise or follow a sound diet, the very behaviors that can ameliorate their feelings of lethargy and sadness. Several of my patients have expressed the view that they didn’t have the energy to exercise. However, when with much encouragement they began a regular exercise regimen, their stamina increased as did their sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
I believe there are other concrete behaviors we can adopt that will contribute to a more optimistic attitude, including one of my favorites, that of making a positive difference in the lives of others or what I call “contributory” or “charitable” activities. Fox might place this under “aim for three positive experiences for every one negative one,” but I believe it deserves separate mention. I am certain most of you can add other behaviors as well to the list of four.
The key message I hope you take from this article and several of my previous writings is that there are steps we can all take to reinforce feelings of optimism and create a more resilient lifestyle. While for some of us this will be a more difficult and lengthy task given our inborn temperament, our unique life experiences, and our strong doubts about being able to effect changes, we must keep in mind that all of us can gain from engaging in therapeutic lifestyle changes. Our initial short-term goals should be modest to maximize the probability of success, soon to be followed by more challenging long-term goals.
In ending, I hope that for all of you the next few months are filled with satisfaction and renewed emotional and physical well-being.