A post about control – from the first temper tantrum until they leave home, your kids seeks control. The hardest battles for parents are those I call Gotcha Wars.
Fingers of blame and shame point regularly at parents. Parent advisor do it, but so do your little angels. Whether it is a pre-schooler throwing a temper tantrum that makes you feel frustrated and out of control or a teen the blaming and shaming the child wants you to march to her drummer. That my friend is what I call a Gotcha War.
When you don’t react strongly enough to whatever provocation is hurled you way, your basically good kid starts pushing other buttons to get you angry. The older the Gotcha Warrior the more likely he can push buttons you didn’t know existed.
Quick mental health fact: The shrinks say extreme Gotcha Warriors suffer from a mental health disorder called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Supposedly a disorder of childhood only, I bet you know a few adults who meet the criteria.
I have worked with children who have been labeled ODD. They are the kids who you see being chased by a group of adults in various places mostly in school corridors or parking lots. The kids have a look of glee on their faces and the adults ones of anger and frustration.
If you have not had all your buttons pushed by a Gotcha Warrior you have been blessed by all the benign forces of the universe. Say a million and one “Thank you’s.” Still most of you need a little help when a kid throws the gauntlet your way.
Have few rules; the more rules, the more opportunities for the child to argue.
Rules that must be obeyed include: Those involving safety of people and property; those that involve obeying the law; those involving the sanctity of your home.
Have known consequences for violating these and other rules. Most effective consequences are the lost of privileges. Do not assign work, unless it is how the child gets back a privilege.
Make certain the consequences can be enforced without a fight.
Use the TAG strategy when a rule is violated a rule. T = Tell the child the rule has been broken; A = Announce the consequence; G = Get on with your life. Do not argue.
Overdose the child on love, real praise and respect for what does properly. Under all the fighting and struggle is a child who wants and needs praise to combat the feelings of powerlessness s/he feels.
Build the child’s self-esteem. Find something the child excels at and make that an important part of the child’s life.
Life as a parent is probably the hardest job in the world; count your blessings for every good moment you can savor.
This post was inspired by this Word Press Daily Prompt: With you or with out you: Tell us about the time you threw down the gauntlet and drew the proverbial line in the sand by giving someone an ultimatum.
As suggested above life as a foster parent to teens in trouble with the law found me throwing down the gauntlet often and just as often having it thrown at me. Sometimes I had to send a child back to a lock-up; the kids often showed their power by running away.
This entry was posted in Parenting Issues and tagged challenging children, Children Behaving Badly, Conduct Disorder, dpchallenge, Gotcha Wars, Katherine Gordy Levine, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, parenting, Parenting advice, parenting tips, postaday, teens, Temper tantrums. Bookmark the permalink.
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