Give it one more try before I give up on love…Putting ourselves out there, living a truly authentic life is dangerous. Love is a battlefield, inside and out. We are vulnerable. Our hearts are on the line. I have heard the lamentations of so many friends who refuse to step out of their comfort zone for themselves or another out of fear of being hurt. What is at stake? As high rollers in the game of life and love, we gamble with rejection, humiliation, abandonment, frustration, and a hard look in the mirror on the wall.
What are the actual risks? Is what I fear probable? Remember, the feelings are valid, but they are an indicator that something, some past occurrence, is controlling our perspective on an event. Simply said, “our memories and previous experiences, accurate or not, impact how we behave. For me, how people have reacted toward me and my small right hand has shaped how I feel about meeting new people. I also suffer with a sense of shame about not being perfect regarding how I look (my small hand, bad hair day, zit on my face, etc.) or when I make even minor mistakes; you know, being human.
Recently I have had a few memories come back to me that were quite painful. My current situation caused an eruption in my brain where these events spewed forth from the depths of my subconscious like an undiscovered volcano. Why now? I believe it is two-fold. As I journey toward my own sense of balance and peace, I find myself venturing out of my comfort zone. I am really challenging myself both physically and emotionally. A subject that I pretended didn’t exist, has become a topic of conversation for me. Talking to my family, close friends and trainers about my hand, feelings and “genuine” limitations has caused a major tremor within my psyche.
In addition, my authenticity lies in my extroverted personality. I love people. I love meeting new people, I long to hear their hearts, know what makes them tick. But, and that’s a capital BUT, the unpleasant life experiences have caused me to project onto all of you how you will treat me. Unbeknownst to me, I have been hiding my true self from all of you and the world out of fear that you will not like me, find me ugly or laugh at me. Sounds juvenile, and it is. It comes from what I believed about myself after only a few ugly encounters. Most of my life has been filled with laughter, joy of life, beautiful friends and family and even kind strangers. Unfortunately, for all of you I haven’t met, and even some of you I already know, I have preconceived notions as to how you will treat me. I have judged you all unfairly, made you out to be unkind, mean and cold.
The memories that have flooded my conscious mind from talking about my personal reality and my desire to put myself “out there” to meet all of you have caused me to reevaluate my misconceptions of how people think of me. I am working toward not formulating biased opinions. What I really want is to be free of these judgments in order to be my authentic self and love you all as you are, not as I think you are. I am no longer going to allow the bad apples to spoil the whole bunch, Steph.