Have you ever asked God to explain himself? Have you ever moved through a period of life, pleading with him for answers, only to hear silence? I’ve been in this difficult season for several months now. Yes, we’ve been physically ill most of the past eight weeks. Yes, my husband has just finished an overseas trip for a job he’s had some difficulties with, and he travels to another country in just two weeks for another trip. Yeah, we’ve had financial stressors and upsetting physical diagnoses. Yeah, circumstances have been crappy. But that’s not been my biggest issue.
My biggest issue has been this heart inside of me that feels like a stone.
Because when God doesn’t change things that it seems he could change, my heart hurts, I feel betrayed. I don’t understand why he hasn’t moved the mountains, parted the seas, given the opportunities and the answers we’ve sought. He can do anything. But he hasn’t.
In my heart of hearts, I’ve continued to wait and to trust. Because I know that he’s good. I know that he’s faithful. But discouragement sneaks in as the tough stuff continues to roll in, month in and month out. Eventually, it’s become easier just not to feel rather than to feel hurt and discouraged. It’s become easier to go through the motions, pushing myself on physically to meet the demands of life, even though my heart feels hard. I reached this point a couple of weeks ago. It’s that point where your soul is completely desperate for something, anything, any small change, a whisper of a word from the Lord.
The whisper began in a conversation that I shared with my husband just before he left on his work trip.
“I hate how hard these trips are on you and the kids,” Andrew said.
“I know, but we will be alright,” I replied.
“How can a father do that to his kids? They don’t understand,” he countered.
“There are many fathers who do far worse things to their kids,” I offered.
“True, but that doesn’t make it right,” he persisted.
“No, but it doesn’t make it wrong either. You are doing what you have to do. Your job requires you to travel. You are not making a conscious choice to abandon your family for frivolous or selfish reasons. This is what you have to do and there’s no way around it,” I replied.
“I know, but they don’t understand that. They can’t understand why daddy is hurting them,” he said.
How many things are simply above my understanding? The Bible teaches in many places that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts (Is 55:8-9), and that no one can understand the mind of the Lord (Rom 11:34 ), nor fathom his understanding (Is 40:28).
My stoney heart has railed against the Lord, anger rising up that he’s not moving, that he’s not enlightening me, that he’s not explaining himself. But God has not answered with explanations, for he owes me NO explanations. Instead, my soul hears a gentle answer, perhaps the best and only answer that I can fully understand: Because I love you. What an unexpected answer to my angry tirade of WHY this, and WHY that… Because I love you.
After all, it is because he loves us that my husband is faithful to his job, including the travel it requires. He is about the business of providing for his family, even if this aspect of his provision is painful and strains us to the breaking point some days.
It could not have come a better time.
I came home to be with Dad – who is in a lot of pain – as for me; my oldest sister keeps reminding me that my age could be keeping me from getting another job. I am 56! I’ve been through hell the last three years and still my supervisor has not given me any work to do because he says I can’t do it because I told him I was dyslexic and even had to get re-evaluated as an older adult because he did not believe me! Even though the testing results had the same outcome as the original testing done some 30 years ago.
Did I say that Krystyna is Poland; she took her mother back home after spending the winter with us in VA.
So apropos to all our situations. Thank you for ministering to me once again. Love you, Sweetie!