It has been a really long time since I’ve sat down and put my thoughts out there for all to read. Yes, those that know me know that I don’t really hold much back but this is different. To me, this is soothing. This is calming. This is me.
Things have been so going well lately. I’m happy at home. I have great friends. Work is good. I stay busy. My granddaughter has become the light of my life and anyone who knows me knows this. Still Something has been missing. Something has left this empty void deep inside me that has been begging to be filled.
I thought maybe it was work. Lately I’ve taken steps to build my department and be more of an asset to our business. I’ve set up expectations and hired another employee and started the process to grow this month. This had been one of my goals from the beginning. To take this small one man show and grow it to something bigger and more valuable. I’ll have everything in place to go live by next week and yet the void still stays.
I was overweight, again. I let myself go so much I gained more weight than I’m comfortable telling you. I worked hard at work but became lazy at home. So in January, I did what most people do and decided to lose weight. On January 7th I started the Keto Diet with IF and started working more activity into my life. I lost 10 pounds the first month and as good as it feels to do this… the void is still there.
My fill my free time with my family and friends and things I love. I spoil my grandbaby and I love on my friends baby. I have some quality time with my husband and enjoy a good book or tv show. I seriously cannot complain about life. It is great. All except for the void.
The void, the one that aches to have words expressed out loud. The one that is fighting to be filled with the thoughts that we all know I have deep inside me. The one that begs me to write. Write about nothing. Write about everything. The best part about being a writer is that you can literally sit down and write about how the sky is blue.
Today the urge to write was so strong. I made, what to me was a sarcastic comment, to an employee. He looked at me and said thank you for saying that to me. At first I wasn’t sure if he was joking but one look made it clear he was serious. I believe my words were something along the lines of “It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday? This is today, What did you do today?” He said I needed to hear that. Then he said “You are pretty smart.” I laughed and said “I know. ” Again, I thought he was joking and he wasn’t. He looked serious as he looked at me and said, “Most women don’t realize how smart they are.” I laughed because again, joking? But no. He was serious.
It was sad because this guy honestly must be surrounded with women who have no clue how smart they are. That they are worth way more than they give their self credit for. I think of the women who spend their time apologizing for mistakes. Hell, I love making mistakes. I’m far from perfect. Knowing I’m making mistakes means I am trying. Eventually I will learn and get it right.
As I started thinking about writing about my feelings about today I started to feel the void that I’ve felt for so long start to fill. I wonder what possesses me to NOT do the things I love. I wonder what stops me from telling my stories. Expressing my feelings. Is it fear of someone reading it and really knowing what I’m thinking. Is it fear of being judged. Is it because like many of the women around me and across the world I don’t have the confidence to just be me?
Well not anymore. For now on when a topic or comment pull at my soul it is coming out. It is time for my words to speak their truth. Right, wrong, or irrelevant they are mine.
Until next time, Be Confident!