This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
– If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
– I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
– Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
– Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
– I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
– I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
– When chemists die, they barium.
An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
– Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
– Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
– Take my advice ? I’m not using it.
– I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
– Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
– Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
– I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
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