Nearly five months ago, I was in a relationship with someone whom I cared a lot about and loved - I gave him my all and he ended up breaking my heart; he claimed he was confused about his feelings, etc. Today, he sent me an instant message apologising for it all, because evidently it was bothering him and I guess it built up? I don't really know. Well, I got ****ed off, needless to say, because after nearly five months, all he has to say is "I'm sorry" on the Internet, no less.
Have you ever gotten into a bad situation where you took the high road and forgave someone who's hurt you terribly? How have you coped with it?
basically you just described what's going on with me lately.. except my ex didn't IM or anything apologizing for what he did to me... so no, i do not forgive him. apparently he still wanted to be friends, but it seems like he's going back on that now too.
sorry, back on topic.... yes, just the other day my friend did something to tick me off and i forgave him for it, but.. he just goes right back and does it so i don't know what to do about it now.. it keeps happening and i keep forgiving him which probably leads him to believe that he can keep doing it. blah!
I understand what you're going through - initially, my ex wouldn't even explain himself; he claimed it was too painful for him to discuss. It's like, well how did he think I felt, you know? So I loathed him up until this point. I'm on the fence between if I want to be friends with him or just stay on neutral ground.
I've done this on a couple of occasions, but the friendship never lasted long afterwards anyway. Sometimes two people just aren't really good for each other.
my ex said "i'm not sure of my feelings anymore and i don't know what i want.. what i do know is that i don't need a relationship right now" and i held onto that for so long untill he finally said "i can't have a relationship at all. sorry" it just totally broke my heart into pieces.. still not over it completely but i'm getting there.
it's hard not to talk to someone you basically spent everyday with; i felt he was like an addiction... and it made it even harder on me. :( i'm going to stop talking about this here, i don't wanna get in trouble.
Ain't that the truth, Heather. I learned that the hard way :o.
I'm so sorry that happened to you <3 if it's any consolation, some people are just plain jerks with no sense of how someone else might feel. I felt the same way, like my ex was an addiction - I got attached, which is what made it hurt so much.
Why would you get in trouble?
I don't think I've ever really experienced a situation like that, but I'm pretty laid back and would much rather forgive and forget about disagreements or infringements than anything else.
it's ok, i'm almost over it... took 4 months just to get to this point. yeah, it's like... someone cares about you for 9 months, and then tomorrow all that is gone and they stop talking to you. i felt like i could call him one of my best friends, too. ugh yeah, he said it was hard for him too, but i honetly don't believe it. if he was addicted then he wouldn't have kept mentioning that we should stop talking altogether after he said we should be friends.
oh because i'm going alittle off-topic. :p would you mind PMing?
Well, I'm always here for you :hug:. You aren't going off topic too much, I think it pertains, but feel free to send me messages :)!
Thank you, Mikky; I do really appreciate that. I've nothing against you personally, so I don't see why we can't be friends :).
simply detach from the pain. Learn from the lesson, but know that all relationships have their hardships. If you can survive together it'll make you stronger for it.
Yes, indeed you're right. And I'm engaged currently.
Thanks, I try :D! And I understand hehe I don't think anyone likes getting in trouble :p.
I usually take the high road but there's only so much I can take.
Recently I had a guy disappear on me completely and I feel like he used me as his personal therapist. And when I messaged him he said who's this? So I said screw it and gave him what he deserved. I don't think revenge is a good thing but sometimes you have to let yourself vent.
Thinking on it, I have had a situation somewhat like this. In November I got talking to a guy who seemed like he needed a bit of cheering up (we had spoken previously in the year but got back in touch). He was pretty attractive so I suggested various times at which to meet up. We agreed on one evening but as I was getting ready I got a text from him saying that he couldn't make it. Oh well. I told him not to worry and we'd arrange something else.
Several days later he told me he now had a boyfriend (actually it was the same thing the time before too. Boyfriend out of the blue, it seemed). I was a bit irritated and upset, but we hadn't made anything like a commitment so I wished him well with everything. Then he hung around on my Facebook friends list until I thought it best to cut my losses and just delete him.
So, somewhat similar, but not as involved as your example I should think.
Yes, the first real relationship I ever had with a girl ended with a cold "internet" breakup carried out by her. We used to talk on the phone and online every day, go out to different places together and have the best of times. Then one day seemingly out of nowhere... "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Not too long after that, she married one of my closest friends. I wasn't willing to just ditch a friendship, so I worked my damnedest to forgive what she did, and to this day still see and talk to her on a weekly basis. It did take me a couple of years to stop feeling uncomfortable around her, but after about 4 years she apologized to me for how it went down.
It's always best to forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to sign up to be hurt again.
Letting go of the past is the only way to move forward.
I'm still waiting for an apology from my father for my childhood, when that day comes I will ponder over whether to forgive him. Considering I haven't heard from him in two years I don't see that happening in the near future.
I can 'Forgive and Forget', but only literally. Luckily I haven't ever seriously actually had to yet. I couldn't forgive someone (depending on the seriousness of what they did to me) and then just forget it happened and continue being friends with them.
For example, if I was in a relationship and he went off behind my back, then wanted to 'still be friends' and talk to me about other people he's seeing and stuff like that, I could not or would not do that. I might forgive him, but I sure as hell would forget him.
Or like if a good friend and him started seeing each other, and my friend wants to still be friends and talk to me about his/her relationship with my ex. Screw that. I'd forgive (or might not, depends) and I would forget them both, and get on with my life.
I always forgive, or at least I try to. By keeping it inside you, you'll improve nothing and bring yourself unnecessary pain which really doesn't help the situation at all. It is just like dwelling in the past. Regret doesn't achieve anything, nor does hatred or resentment. Forgiving does, and it helps you medically, psychologically, and spiritually.
Given a situation where someone is responsible for your whole life turning to ruins is probably the hardest case in which to forgive. I most certainly don't think I could forgive for such a matter. :p But that doesn't mean that I won't try.
Love alone plays one of the biggest roles in forgiving.
I'm a bit relationship-shy because I'm very wary of the fact it can go wrong and in a quick crash and burn way given I'm still only 19. I think when you first enter into a relationship, especially an intense one, you have to prepare yourself for the potential heartache. Bear in mind that line of thought has kept me perhaps a bit too cautious over the years though.
This pretty much describes me lol.
I've been lucky, I've never really had to grapple with this issue.
Hmmmm I have sort of had to endure the 'if you love someone let them go' kind of thing. I don't hold grudges and work hard to keep myself morally intact in the sense that just because someone else has treated me badly doesn't mean I have to lower my standards and act like a prat too!
Hmm, I forgive but I don't forget.
Once someone has done something to hurt you, then depending on the severity of it, you need to learn from it and know when to and when to not trust that person.
I never hold grudges. Once someone apologizes I forget everything but I'm just more careful in the future. However, every time I decided to forgive someone I was taken for granted and I had to be the one to end the relationship.
Also, the common phenomenon I see is that people don't even say ''sorry'' anymore.
I make people work damn hard for my forgiveness! I don't like being screwed over in any way and if you want to remain my friend/lover/parent, you'll try your hardest to earn my respect, trust and ultimately my forgiveness ... not expect it just because you apologise.
I give a lot in my relationships, and demand the same in return. Otherwise, GTFO!
Forgetting isn't really possible unless the matter in question was small.
You are pretty determined. How can you make people strive for your forgiveness?
I've no problem forgiving people if it's under the right circumstances.
Unfortunately, there are some people on here that I would never want to forgive.
I forgive sometimes I guess, but some people just don't deserve forgiveness (although I may act like I have forgiven them just for the sake of keeping the peace).
I'm mainly talking about the kind of people that just continuously do bad things. Why should I forgive them when they just carry on acting like jerks?
As a general rule, I don't forgive anymore.
Been hurt too many times now - mess up once, that's it. You're out of my life.
I think it depends on what it is I'm forgiving and forgetting. But I have been hurt quite badly in the past and I forgave and I lived to regret it. I am, by nature, a forgiving person, but I think I've learned to be a bit tougher. I don't agree with holding grudges either, but if someone hurt me badly enough, then being friends can be difficult, so it is sometimes best just to let go.
Do you mean "How do you do it?" or "How CAN you do it?" ???
I've been hurt and trampled by so many people over the years that I've developed a bit of a hard shell when it comes to things like this. I need to know that someone deserves my forgiveness, is actually really sorry and won't think of doing it again.... Or else, what's the point?
As many others have stated earlier, I may forgive but I won't forget. Everything might even go back to normal but that something will always be there, sadly. Friendship (and any kind of relationship for that matter) really is like a fragile piece of glass. Once it's broken, it can be fixed but you can always see the damn cracks.
I always find myself forgiving people for everything they do to me intentionally or not. But i will never forget. So i may say that everything is as it was to that person. And that the past is the past and we must keep moving on. But in the back of my mind that image and the pain they caused me is still swirling around and very much alive everytime i stare into that persons eyes.
I might forgive you, but I never forget, and you'll never be the same for me!
I don't know anyone who hasn't tbh.
Don't you think that's a bit strict? Everybody makes mistakes.
I may forgive, but I never forget.
It takes me quite some time to forgive anyone, depending on the seriousness of their wrongdoing. I'm a big grudge holder.
Fortunately, no one has ever done something so terrible to me that I couldn't forgive them.
And I taught myself to let go of grudges as well, because I already have enough issues as it is, I don't need to bottle up anger too.
I think you delt with the situation nicely. I, probably would have ignored him, even though I really wanted to say something.
I am actually in a situation myself right now. I have this friend, my best friend in fact. And lately he's become friends with one of my "enemies". At first it didn't bother me because I knew that he was "my" best friend, but now... all he want to do is hang out with him. I would never do that to any of my friends. I know it all seems childish and stupid, but there is something inside me that really ****es me off. When my best friend has or becoming really good friends with the one person I can't stand... shouldn't he respect my feelings? The enemy really did some mean things to me a nearly a year ago, so that's the reason I don't like him, and I've tried to forgive him, but I still don't want him back in my life. And now he sort of is. This is the first time in my life where my emotions really get the worst of me, and I don't know how to deal with it. The only thing my friend made clear is that he is not going to change when he feels he isn't doing anything wrong. I get that, and I want to make the best out of the situation. I've realized I'm going to see him a lot less, which sort of annoys me. I know I sound like the jealous "boyfriend" right now, but I really need some advice.
Legends, I totally understand where you're coming from because I've been there and back. First off, let your best friend know how you feel straight away. Just in casual conversation, ask him about his relationship with your enemy and just slid in your opinion, "I see. I don't mean to sound like I'm taking control here, but I really don't appreciate you hanging around with him..." and then give your reasons why.
Be calm and civil atop all things. Follow these instructions and report back here with a summary of what happened :p.
I have done that. Several times actually. And he understands me. Completely he says, but yet it doesn't seem to make a difference. At it seem to do is driving him further away from me. And that's the last thing I want. God, I have never been in a situation like this before... This friend is the only one I have been truly honest with, and he is the only one of my friends who doesn't think what he is doing is "un-loyal" to me. I would never develop a friendship with someone my friends hate. I would never. Out of respect to them. I'm going to talk to him more tomorrow, but I need to end this conflict, because I don't want him to see me as an unfair friend... which I sort of thing he does at this point.
Thank you, it's nice to talk to someone when you really need to. :) Especially since the one you normally would talk to is somewhere else doing only god knows what. You're not 18 yet? I thought you were. Well, I guess you have to wait a few more days to access MGC. I'll quote it for you, if you or anyone wants to give me anymore input.
These are my thoughts at the moment, and I need someone to help me deal with this the easiest way possible. Through my life all I seem to do is "pick" the wrong friends. They all seem so great and loyal at first, but eventually I seemed to get slapped one way or another. And with all the hell I've been through with relationships, work, ex-friends, moving, and a whole other mess of crap, I started talking more and more to one of my coworkers and we developed a great friendship. The first friendship that seems real to me in a long, long time. And now, he's suddenly changed. And as much as I try to adjust, things seem to get more tense. He's recently become friends with one of my ex-friends who did some real bad things to me a few months ago.
At first it didn't bother me because I knew that he was "my" best friend, but now... all he want to do is hang out with him. I would never do that to any of my friends. I know it all seems childish and stupid, but there is something inside me that really ****es me off. When my best friend has or becoming really good friends with the one person I can't stand... shouldn't he respect my feelings? The enemy really did some mean things to me a nearly a year ago, so that's the reason I don't like him, and I've tried to forgive him, but I still don't want him back in my life. And now he sort of is. This is the first time in my life where my emotions really get the worst of me, and I don't know how to deal with it. The only thing my friend made clear is that he is not going to change when he feels he isn't doing anything wrong. I get that, and I want to make the best out of the situation. I've realized I'm going to see him a lot less, which sort of annoys me. I know I sound like the jealous "boyfriend" right now, but I really need some advice.
I need to accept the situation, I just don't know what to say. I really like my new best friend, we have basically been inseprable for the last 8 months. And I don't really make new close friends that fast, but he's been like no other, and now I feel a little insecure because I trust him, but he is friends with a person I don't trust at all.
Um, Legends, could it be possible that your friend has a crush on this person you don't like anymore?
I have never had a situation with a friend or a boyfriend ( so far) where I have felt that I couldn't forgive them but family members on the other hand are a whole different kettle of fish.
I haven't spoken to my father's sisters or his brother for about 8 years or so now since my grandmother died. It is not so much what they did to me but what they did to my father that angers me. My grandmother's death was not particularly pleasant and a court case arose out of it - my father was unhappy at having to sit through the court case simply because he didn't feel like he could deal with it and his family couldn't accept that. He had to ring the court to obtain the final verdict in the case ( he had taken my mother, my sister and I on holiday for my birthday and my sister's birthday which corresponded with the court case - to keep our minds of it) - his sister told him that my mother had made him forsake his family and called my mother some names that I don;t care to repeat. My father told her that his obligation now was to his children and his wife and keeping his children away from it and his sisters couldn't accept it. I later found out that one of the reasons he didn't attend the court case was because his sister had ranted and raved at him abut how he didn't care enough about his mother to want to know the outcome. They informed him that my grandmother had complained that he spent too much time with his children and not enough time with her and she was angry with him.
I saw his youngest sister in a supermarket once but she didn't speak to me once she saw my dad and she sent me a letter after I got my A-Level results. I didn't reply to it. As awful as it may sound they are dead to me. My dad is such a great person and it absolutely devastates me that anybody would treat him that way.Maybe I am a bit of a Daddy's girl but it really upset me because he really is an all round nice guy - looks out for his family, makes sacrifices for us and I have never known him to be vindictive or cruel to anyone and he treats everyone with respect so I guess it upsets me that people - who are supposed to be his family would treat him that way.
The way I see it it doesn't really matter what they think of him because my grandma knows how they have treated him.
I am not one for holding a grudge in general but I will never be able to forgive them for the way they treated my father and furthermore for the things they called my mother. Out of line. If my father chooses to speak with them again then that is his choice but I will NEVER speak to them again and he knows that.
No. You know of all your friends, everyone of us priorities our friends. I used to be his first, now I am just another friend cause he seemed to have found one better. As lame as that sounds, I know it's true. I wouldn't have felt this way if it weren't. Now I feel completely screwed. I don't think he has a crush on him though, he is straight. So there is no "love" in the picture.