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What do a fat girl and a brick have in common?
They will both get laid by a Mexican at some point.
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A funny mock advertisement, especially if you have kids.
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An old man walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 65 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.
The old man showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
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Especially when it’s a barmaid.
Wake up OM. You're dreaming again!
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we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection.
We said we would phone him with the information.
Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing.
"I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me.
"Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
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and asked for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends, all of their unwanted photographs of women that he could find.
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"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
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and those inside are desperate to get out.
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The teacher asked Mr. Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.
'I'm afraid not', explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obamas and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f---ing accident either.
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There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."
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used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream.
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