I think that, for the most part right now….(and I’m NOT speaking for everyone), we are disconnect-ed. We have grown up thinking and being taught one way, and yet, our intuition, our heart, is saying another. Or it is a combination of the two – or a HUGE internal battle.
I’m only speaking for myself right now, but, I think some of you may recognize yourselves in this blog. I know that I have done some very powerful healing work. That culminated in a journey to Taos, where I always go to reconnect with my soul….only this time was very different.
It’s been years since I have dug this deep into my core wounding. My old patterns and thought processes of being. Ancestral stuff. Lifetimes of getting away with BEing a certain way…..and getting by with it. But, I know that I can’t anymore….and it’s challenging.
AND, the Mountain made me LOOK DEEP INSIDE!!! True to her form and energy, (and her 2 x 4 nature), I had to look at a magnifying mirror…..which showed a lot of my old patterning and wounding…and I realized how much of a gift I was given.
However, I will also say that when the wounds are ancestral, that switching gears becomes a bit rough. It takes a while to develop new patterns….kinda like riding a bike for the first time….I have training wheels.
I’m learning more how to respond, rather than react.
I’m learning how not to beat myself up – and this one is HUGE – because I have spent a lifetime(s) – doing this.
I’m learning how to have my own rudder – because for most of my life – I’ve relied on others to guide me – in every way shape or form – not having my own opinions (I know…..right????!!!) – and when I did – I seem to manage to see that my opinion was flawed…..
One thing I DO know at the core of my being is that I am supposed to paint and write messages….so that is where I am starting.
It’s about being gentle with myself, and others.
Switching gears IS rough! I get so impatient to remove the training wheels but I know it’s not time. Everything you wrote in this blog resonates with me at this moment, Paula. Lately I’m working thru the influences others have had on me that have taken me away from my true self. That self I was as a child. The one that was deeply connected to animals and inanimate objects (I always felt that everything had feelings when I was little whether it was alive or not). Responding rather than reacting: hard discipline but it’s coming. Not beating myself up: how does this become second nature?!! And, ohhhh, the rudder! That is such a tough one for me, to the point that indecision becomes the focus rather than decision. This was a very timely piece for me to read. Thanks for your honesty and wisdom. It encourages all that my gut knows.