I hope you got some sleep. You made it another day. That is great!! I promise it gets better, but I had kind of rough day yesterday too and we haven't spoken for almost 8 weeks. It's really hard to let go of a person and also of the idea of the person and the relationship. For me, I still want to hear from my ex even though I know it wouldn't change anything and it would not likely be anything significant (saying Merry Christmas to someone is not the same as saying I want you back). For me, even though I'm disappointed that he did not reach out, I take some comfort in thinking that I didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. He might not even think about me at all, but he doesn't know that I hurt and wish for him. For all he knows, I've already forgotten about him.
The pain does seem to soften a bit as the weeks go by, a tiny bit. It doesn't sting as bad as it did in the first few days or weeks. Just having Christmas out of the way might help -- New Year's is coming up and that is always one of my favorite things. To think about my goals for next year and where I want to be.
When did you actually break up? How long has he been with his new gf? What I know is true is actions. No matter who, what or why you two broke up if he wanted you back he would have broken up with her and begged you back. You two would be back together if that is what he wanted but he doesn't. Anything less than that is just him blowing smoke. He's where he wants to be.
He started the break in July. When we talked a couple of weeks later he still didn’t know if he wanted to work things out. I gave him more time, but by the end of August I said I couldn’t wait any more. I told him that it seems like he wants to date and not be in a relationship so we broke up.
I don’t know exactly when they started dating but he did tell me he was texting her at the beginning of August. He says he didn’t move forward with her until we broke up, but I don’t really know if that is true.
What I do know is that instead of telling me that he was texting someone else, he began to move on from us. He started to get at least emotionally involved with this girl. He is still dating her but she is still married and going through a divorce. So he said he doesn’t see her often, which is probably what he likes about her.
When we were dating we only saw each other once a week until I had to push to see each other more. By a year and a half we finally got to 2-3 days because of me. So he likes this situation because he can go out and party with his friends on most days and then only see her when they can.
What makes me mad is that I couldn’t get weekends with him because of our schedules wit our kids, but I know they have seen each other on weekends. I always had to push in this relationship to see him, but it seems he makes it easier for them to see each other. That is something that hurts me. It makes me feel like I wasn’t important enough for him to want to spend time with.
I am sorry it was a tough day for you too. It helps knowing that I am not in this alone and that it will get a little easier. I have to admit I was checking my phone a lot more yesterday to see if I would get a Merry Christmas text, but I didn’t. I know that would not have meant anything, but then at least I would have crossed his mind even for a brief second. Right now it is like I never even existed, like I was nothing to him.
I just want you to know that I have had this exact same thought, in the past hour. How likely is it that it's true? Probably not, but it feels that way.
It's hard when we hurt. I know my mind can go to the worst place and sit there. One thing that I have tried that has been helpful has been to counter my thoughts. So when I have a negative and destructive thought, I write it down and then try to counter it with a positive thought. So for example, if I think, "He never loved me" another way to look at it would be "He did things that showed he cared about me, but couldn't be what I needed him to be". It makes it feel a little less personal. I read that in a book called "Feeling good" that I found helpful.
I will try your suggestion. Right now most of my thoughts are so negative. Some about him and some about myself.
My divorce ended suddenly and with the possibility that he cheated. I never found out for sure but there was a little bit of evidence. Now this relationship with my ex BF ended, and he started dating quickly, and texting her before we officially broke up. It makes me think I have failed in some way. I drove both of these people into other women’s arms.
I am really trying hard to not be so hard on myself. I come to these forums, reach out to friends, read up on being more confident and feeling worthy to be loved and know I am enough. But I am overwhelmed with everything. I want to feel better but I don’t. I know the steps I should take, but I don’t even know where to begin. I see a therapist so I hope that will help. But in the mean time, I want to move on. I just don’t know where to start.
You start by implementating NC, which you have done. You take it one day at a time. NC is one of the most important things you can do because it forces you into acceptance and forces you to be alone with your feelings of loss. That's step one. To make that commitment.
After that, keep a schedule everyday, and set long and short term goals. Doing these things orders your life and gives you purpose. Work with your therapist to set some personal goals for the next 90 days. It can be anything. Not talking to him for 90 days, exercising 1 hour 5 days a week, meditating or praying everyday for 30 minutes, finishing a book, finishing an project around your house, ect. Something attainable that is tailored to your interests. When I went through a rough breakup, I used to make myself get up every single morning that I didn't have to work and go to the gym. That one thing helped me more than anything. Keeping a schedule and setting goals or two of the most important things you can do.
Last edited by BC1980; 26th December 2018 at 3:05 PM..
I am determined to stick with NC this time. Today will be day 4. Last time I made it about a week or so before I reached out. Then we texted every once in a while until he found out I was seeing someone. After that we stopped communication for about 3-4 weeks. Then I texted first again. He called after that.
So this time I want to stick with it. No contact, no texting, nothing.
Once I get that under control I will try your other steps. I really appreciate all the support I can get.
I think what makes me upset with myself is I reached out first last time. I broke the contact first over the summer. I caved. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes twice.
I understand. You can't change the past though. Are you can do is move forward. You aren't the first and won't be the last person to break NC. It might be a good idea to make a list of reasons why it's a bad idea to contact him, and you can go over those reasons every time you feel tempted.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't have a great track record with relationships either. The one before this one was very toxic, but I couldn't leave it and he wound up dumping me (I am ashamed to say multiple times, because I would take him back) for another woman. I think one thing that is common to both situations is that I let situations go on that shouldn't and I didn't stand up for myself and take steps to protect myself. In both cases, the men were not ready to be all in with me. For different reasons, but that was the heart of it. Instead of seeing that for what it was and walking away, I clung on tighter. I suspect this is why I wound up where I am now, which is hurting from a man that found someone else while I tried to hang on to him.
But I do understand where you are coming from. A lot of my thoughts are negative too, although they are interspersed with more positive thoughts as well. I do want to feel better and to stop talking about it, but it feels hard. Sometimes I think that I don't really want to be better, that I am comfortable in this depressed place. But then I think that I don't want to waste years of my life being sad and feeling awful. It is so hard. I wish I could make you feel better and myself too.
@BC1980, I like your suggestion about goals. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, but maybe if I look ahead in a positive way it won't feel so hard. When I think about the future without him in it, it feels overwhelming sometimes. I sit and wonder if we will ever see each other again and if he cares.
I will try the goals suggestion. I have made goals for the New Years when I got divorced. That did help but I gave myself one year to complete them. I do like having short term goals though. It will make me focus on everyday instead of a whole year.
I have a couple of shirts that belong to my ex. I know he is out of town until the 31st. I know going to his house is going to bring back memories, but to be honest so are the shirts. I was going to leave them in his mailbox so I won’t have to see him.
The hardest thing is that his daughter and my son are in the same 5th grade class so I usually see him at school functions. Plus he lives in the neighborhood across the street from me. So on my way to work I can always see his house because it backs up to the main road. I have been making myself not look at his house as I pass. It just brings up lots of memories. This morning I looked that way and saw it. I get upset with myself that I was doing well but need to start over again.
You need to start over because you looked at his house? That's something you can't help, unless there is another way to get to your house without passing his. Look at it this way, he has no idea how you feel about this and about seeing his house. So to him, you're still radio silent about everything and moving on. But I know that stomach lurch when you see something that is a connection to your ex, even if it's not your ex himself. Last night, I received a group email that included my ex about a mission trip we go on together every year (this is where we met in 2013). Even though it was to the whole group, it made my stomach leap to see his name on the cc list.
Don't be upset with yourself. Look at the victories that you've had!! You have not contacted him and that is huge. You made it through Christmas and that is huge.
Could you mail him the shirts? Or ask a friend to leave them in the mailbox? I know I would be so anxious to be leaving something in his mailbox, worrying he would come outside or pull up in his driveway right at that moment.
I was thinking of putting his stuff in the mailbox before he comes home from his trip. That way I don’t risk any chance of me seeing him.
Yesterday his sister in law called me. We are still friends. She was asking how I was doing. She saw him yesterday and asked him about me. He told her that I am angry at him. It funny I thought talking to her about him would make me upset. When she was telling me that he was drunk, which was fairly often when we dated, it reminded me of what I wasn’t missing out on with him. Even though I know I will be better off, I still am sad. I am trying to focus on the positive. Today is going on day 5 of NC. I am proud of myself for that small accomplishment. I have checked up on any social media. So I will take those two things as wins today.
You should unfriend him on social media. I'd also get rid of his phone number and block him if you think he'll contact you. You're setting yourself up for failure by keeping avenues open. You can't remove him completely because he lives near you, and his daughter goes to school with your son. But you should control what you can to minimize any interactions or things that make you think of him. I'd put the shirts in the mailbox. It's been 6 months. It's time to accept this is over and start the moving on process.