That has been the most difficult question to answer as of late. I am good because I can look around and see the great things, people, situations, etc.. that leave my heart to fill with hope. And yet, I am not so good at the same time. I find that my heart is really not ok at my core, but not because of any one thing in particular.
The best way I can describe how I feel is, it seems like God and I are working on and through things that are leaving my heart in a difficult and vulnerable place in order to truly heal and move forward from here.
I am not the biggest fan of feeling vulnerable in general, but this time I also am allowing myself to sit in the emotions that God is bringing up instead of just pushing them aside.
After a few conversations with my bff about how I am doing, she recommended that we should read Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning together. At just a few chapters in, Abba’s Child has been distinctly different from most books I have read (especially recently) in terms of the impact it is having on my heart. As I read, I feel my heart stirring, and at times, I find myself so overwhelmed with emotions that, I have to actually put the book (or computer since I’m reading it on my Kindle app) down and walk away to take a breather.
I am quickly accumulating a ridiculously large file of typed notes, and highlighting the book like crazy.
You see, most days, I feel confident, secure in who I am, whose I am, and I tend to be fully aware of my strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and flaws. Then there are other times where I just feel entirely insecure, inadequate, like I will never be enough, like I am or need too much, and as though I am pulled apart at the seams on the inside.
Lately, I have felt mostly the latter sense of self.
1. Satan loves to whisper into insecurities, and unfortunately, I think I have been giving him too much room to play.
B. Sometimes, timing for things can be awesome… Other times, it can be the absolute worst timing to have to deal with things and it just adds to the weight.
iii. God knows it is time to burn away the chaff and scars in order to heal and move forward more solidly in His grasp… But, that requires allowing my heart to be molded anew, and that is just not an easy place to be.
I am a little scared to say, that despite the state of my heart, I am actually looking forward to this growth process.. It will likely be fairly painful, but hopefully in the good sense of pain.
I am looking forward to finally having the refreshing feeling of being closer to my sweet savior once again. From the very center of my being, I desire to rediscover my identity in Christ. I hope that in this process I can re-find myself, my strengths, weaknesses, identity, and that both my hope and faith will come out on the other side remade.
Because maybe the best way to communicate the rest of what my heart is working through is to share some (only a select few) of the quotes I have kept.
all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold.
This entry was posted on September 8, 2014 by kpbback in 2014, Abba's Child, Anxiety, Beloved, Bff, Books, Brennan Manning, Christ, Compassion, Confidence, Emotions, Faith, Fear, Feelings, God, Healing, Heart, Hope, Jesus, Life, Lord, Love, Pain, Peace, Perspective, Prayer, Reading, Uncategorized and tagged 2014, Abba's Child, Beloved, Brennan Manning, Christ, Control, Emotions, Faith, Fear, Feelings, God, Healing, Heart, Hope, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Love, Pain, Peace, Perspective, Prayer, Reading, Vulnerable, Weakness.