…. to quote the Beach Boys.
Over the past 2-3 months, I’ve not just been blogging here but have also popped up in a couple of other spots that you might have missed. So I thought I’d do you all a favor and plop them all in one place.
At the end of July, Dr Portia Jackson of the Working Motherhood community was kind enough to invite me onto her show. Working Motherhood features podcast interviews several times a week encouraging us working Moms to share our challenges, points of view and successes. You can listen to my interview here. (Heads-up: it’s about 30 mins long and let me tell you, working Moms, if you have 30 mins to spare, my advice is to grab a nap or get your nails done rather than listen to my drivel.) My main advice? Don’t sweat the small stuff, take it one day at a time and don’t take yourself too seriously.
As some of you might know, I attended BlogHer ’14 also at the end of July which was an incredible experience. I was surrounded by so many amazing bloggers and it inspired me to up my game. Consequently, two of my posts were selected in August as feature blogs posts on BlogHer (which reaches 100 million women each month) which delighted me no end – Taking Off The Training Wheels and Before You Judge: Here’s What You Don’t See.
From time to time, I contribute to my local newspaper the Framingham Patch. In August, Patch asked for readers’ thoughts following an incident when a mom’s son was ousted from his school for something she posted on Facebook. Social Expression and Responsibility tackles the obligation to consider your words before you post. Most recently, I tackled the pressing question of current society: Have We Reached Peak Pumpkin?
Meanwhile, the BreadwinningMom blog invited me to answer some questions about how I “juggle”. Not the beanbag kind, the working-mom kind – you can find it here.
And, as this little blog approaches 35,000 visits, I want to say a huge and heartfelt thank you to every single of you who takes a minute or so out of your busy lives to reach my words. Thank you!
Being that I’m a mostly-exhausted, 40-something, happily-married working Mom, I don’t often get checked out these days. On the rare occasion it does happen, I’ve realized it’s usually my car they are checking out – not me. If some kind gentleman happens to sends an appreciative glance my way, I’m usually quite grateful and even somewhat relieved that maybe I have not lost my sparkle.
But when I see a grown man checking out my seven year-old daughter, that is a whole other thing.
It happened last night. We’d been out for dinner and I was driving my daughter home. She was in the back seat and had the interior light on so she could look at some toy or book. We slowed down at some traffic lights, waiting for the arrow to turn green so we could turn left. I happened to look over at the car in the lane next to us – a run-of-the-mill white Toyota, I think – and saw that the driver, a man in his late twenties wearing a grey hoodie, was staring at Tessa. Not a “hey who’s in the car next to me” glance, but a creepier, darker gaze. It was only a split second, then the lights changed to green, we turned left and he took off ahead.
My blood froze and I felt like vomiting. I checked and double checked that he hadn’t turned around to follow us. He hadn’t. I can never know if he was just looking or had some kind of other intent or desire in mind.
But it made me realize, with horror, that there are people out there who may look at my beautiful daughter and feel something very, very different from the way I feel when I look at her. Or our friends and family. Or most people we interact with. And I am disgusted and scared.
Of course, I think my daughter is a beauty. But what I realized yesterday is that her look is not traditional little girl “sugar and spice.” She has cheekbones, large oval eyes, long hazel locks. She’s a tomboy, won’t wear dresses or skirts. I’m not going as far as to say her looks are more mature or womanly than her age but I also think they will inevitably – yet obliviously to her – draw attention. And not always the right kind of attention.
How do I prepare her for this? I’m not a helicopter parent and she is an independent creature. Yes she’s a purple belt in karate but there’s no link in her mind behind the kicks and punches she learns at the dojo and their potential to get her out of a threatening situation.
Self-defensive skills aside, how do you teach a kid to have that sixth sense that can tune into malicious intent before it’s too late. Whether it’s a bully at the playground, an older kid with an unrequited crush or a predator?
I’m not sure I have any answers. Do you?
A New Way for Parents to Problem-Solve: Are You a Rock, a Cotton Ball or a Rubber Band?
Plan A is to be used sparingly, mostly in matters pertaining to safety. Some things are non-negotiable. On these matters you are an unyielding rock. You do not debate these things with small children.
When you really need to use plan A, be firm but not angry – try not to yell. We lose ~30 IQ points when we’re angry, so the goal is to avoid full on screaming meltdown mode. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to. Pick your battles, but then don’t negotiate. If your kid continues to pester, you can reply, “You already asked and I already answered.” Use Plan A in moderation, but be firm when you do.
One of the big revelations I had during the evening was when the presenter said, “Remember, if your child is complaining but still complying, you won – tune it out.” I know I have a tendency to keep cajoling when my kids are whining while completing a task, because I would rather have them perform it willingly and happily. But sometimes I simply need to settle for begrudging compliance and stop talking!
Plan C involves saying “Yes” to your child whenever you can, when the answer is of little consequence and you can truly not be resentful of the outcome. This may take work on your part!
Saying “Yes’ to kids is fun – do it whenever you can, instead of your default response being, “No.” It can be easy for me to get in a rut of assuming that everything my kids want is unreasonable, when in fact that is not the case.
1) Verbally express empathy for your child’s perspective. Repeat/reflect their words back to them.
2) State the position from your perspective. It’s important that this comes second, after you’ve expressed empathy. If you do step 2 first, you’re on Plan A. I know my natural inclination is to assert my parental authority first, and I need to work on being empathetic to my child’s perspective before stating my own piece.
3) Invite your child to a problem-solving party. This can take place immediately if you have time, or at a later time when the problem is not currently happening and everyone is calmer.
Don’t waste time in a prolonged yelling match when you could be using that time to teach negotiation, flexibility and compromise. Recognize that skill teaching is hard work, messy and time-consuming. But once it becomes second nature, it will get quicker and easier. Be a problem-solving detective and look for solutions that make everyone reasonably happy.
Finally, don’t compare your strategies to other parents. The real question is not, “Is this right or wrong?” but, “Is this working for us?” If it’s not, then it might be time to change something.
Rebecca is a world traveler, a singer, a Scrabble addict, and a mom to two children. She’s a Brit who now lives outside Boston, MA.
Friends: I’m very scared that, if we don’t all chill out, pumpkin will jump the shark.
Because the brands have figured us out. Those clever marketers have skillfully tuned into our collective pumpkin adoration and now Pumpkin Everything is Everywhere.
Not only everywhere, but everywhere TOO SOON.
Read my lips: It is still summer.
Let’s say that again, all together now. IT IS STILL SUMMER!
Ben & Jerry’s proclaims its limited batch Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream is here – a fact that drives me fairly hysterical with excitement but my gut tells me this announcement is about 3-4 weeks earlier than in past years. And I’m pretty sure last year they weren’t even sure they were going to make it. I’m betting that this year, B&J has seriously upped its production schedule and quantities.
There are just too many pumpkin-flavored things – edible and non-edible – in the stores. I agree wholeheartedly with this USA Today article.
If we can all agree to cool our engines a little, maybe we’ll avoid pumpkin saturation/desensitization.
In the fall (ie. late Sept-late Nov).
Oh OK, in cheesecake and ice cream too.
and more 100 birthday-wishing posts and comments on my Facebook timeline.
By some strange and wonderful coincidence, the Huffington Post yesterday published a snarky piece about Facebook birthday notifications and receiving “happy birthday” posts from people you barely know.
Yeah I get it. Facebook makes it really easy to notice someone’s birthday and send them good wishes in three seconds or less. I mean it’s so much easier than buying and mailing a card or making a phone call. Then you’re all “job done” and you can move on to your next status update, text, Instagram, bagel, tweet, shopping, pedicure, Words with Friends play or whatever.
So I don’t care if some people say that using Facebook to say happy birthday is a cop out. I appreciated each and every one.
Side note: Facebook has 1.317 billion monthly active users currently.Imagine if each of them took three seconds out of each day to send birthday wishes to someone else via the social network. In fact, I read that, on average, every day there are 1.9 million people celebrating their birthday. So that’s 1.317 billion Facebook users x 1.9 million birthdays x 3 secs x 30 days in a month = I HAVEN’T A CLUE ….. but it’s got to be a humungous number of good vibes.
Which, in my humble opinion, cannot be a bad thing.