In the daily outpourings of radio and TV, we all have our own pet annoyances - the faces, voices, mannerisms or adverts that make us lunge for the 'off' button or shout back in fury.
1 Fiona Bruce. For reading BBC main news bulletins in the patronising tones of an ‘auntie’ on old-fashioned Children’s Hour. And persistently wearing those naff blazers with piped lapels.
2 The British Gas TV commercial this past winter that said: ‘We understand how having your gas cut off can turn your world upside-down.’ How wonderful that what we thought of as a faceless, avaracious utility can be so understanding. Such a pity they don’t understand that constantly raising their prices also might turn people’s worlds upside-down.
4 Jeremy Clarkson and his fellow Top Gear presenters, for plumbing ever-lower depths of crude blokeishness. No one exemplifies better than Clarkson our modern mania for celebrating ignorance and prejudice. Recently, huge advertising hoardings quoted a pearl from one of his books: ‘Shakespeare? I’d rather stick pencils in my eyes.’ Please may I help?
6 BBC TV overstaffing and repetition. News anchor Huw Edwards interviewing Political Editor Nick Robinson in the studio, going to three different correspondents on screens, then back to Robinson to repeat what he said a few minutes earlier.
8 Sarah Montague’s laugh. On TV, this presenter made a good impression - elegant but no nonsense. On the Today programme, her terrible whinnying guffaw signals any attempt at wit by her male co-presenters.
9 The Go Compare ad. The chosen theme tune for this car insurance website is Over There, a soldiers’ song from World War I. So why is it sung by a joke Italian tenor in tails and a waxed moustache?
12 Most popular cliche among radio economic commentators: ‘Back in the day’ (pointless phrase for ‘in the old days’) and ‘spike’ (totally unevocative word for sudden increase).
13 The BBC’s obsession with ‘regionalism’ — born out of the terror of seeming too elitist and Londoncentric — which has farmed out programmes and luckless employees all over the country. Thus, a recent item on Radio 4 national news was the resumption of ferry services to the Isle of Skye.
14 The odd new practice of having newsreaders deliver the opening headlines standing up in an open space, and the rest of the bulletin seated behind a desk.
15 The Archers. Once ‘an everyday story of country folk’ centred on a family named Archer; now an enclave of metropolitan misfits, most of whom could equally belong on any inner-city sink estate. Where once an episode would begin with Dan Archer talking to Tom Forrest about ploughing Lakey Hill, it now more likely opens with the sound of hysterical weeping or news of another serial killer at large in Borchester.
16 Hand-waving by TV news reporters and presenters — part of the exorable dumbing-down process. We are all considered too stupid to be impressed by the power of words alone, so can be kept interested only by repeated melodramatic gesticulations. Nowadays, even news anchors seated at desks have to wave their hands.
17 Radio reporters who can’t be bothered to work the names of their interviewees into linking narrative, ie: ‘Home Secretary Theresa May believes that …’ Instead, they just say ‘Home Secretary Theresa May’ like a major domo announcing arrivals at a reception.
18 All Radio 4 ‘comedy’ series after 11pm, and TV comedians called Lee — whether as a first or second name.
19 Simon Cowell’s open-to-the-navel shirts and sweaters with plunging necklines of bare flesh. How can someone who makes a career from criticising the appearance and self-delusions of others walk around looking like that?
20 Radio 4’s endlessly plugged and sublimely pointless History Of The World In 100 Objects. What was the use of discussing 100 different artefacts that listeners couldn’t see? Radio ventriloquism seemed rational by comparison.
22 The new breed of documentary presenters chosen for their puppyish enthusiasm, as typified by Professor Brian Cox. Devotees of Down With Skool will recall Fotherington-Thomas, the ‘utter wet and weed’ who skipped around trilling: ‘Hello flowers, hello sky!’ Just substitute the solar system.
23 The relentless unfunniness of QI’s Alan Davies, whose sole point of interest is that since making those TV ads about ‘life being complica’ed enough’, he has learned to pronounce the letter T.
24 The BBC presenting team at this year’s Glastonbury Festival, and especially transcendentally dim Fearne Cotton, who made Tony Blackburn sound like Walter Cronkite.
25 The perky sign-off favoured by younger weather forecasters: ‘And that’s your weather.’ Not theirs, too?
Joke: Why does the Go Compare advert use the theme tune of Over There, a soldiers' song from World War I?