During the Geography of Possibilities workshop in Newcastle Bill O’Hanlon told the following story.
He had worked with a disruptive teenager who was in danger of being thrown out of school. The teenager repeatedly got into fights. Bill had no idea what to do with this boy and to make matters worse he was due to see another boy with the same behaviour problems in a few days.
He asked the first boy what advice he could give to the new teenager to help him change his behaviour.
“He’s got to think before he acts!”.
Bill thanked him and passed on this suggestion to the second teenager – who was completely unimpressed.
When he saw the first teenager again he hadn’t got into any fights or been thrown out of school. Bill asked him what was different.
In short, he had followed his own advice.
By inviting the first teenager to give advice for someone else in the same situation Bill had tapped into the boy’s own reservoir of resources and wisdom.
Bill adopted this as one of his techniques. A few minutes later we were given an exercise to use some of the techniques that Bill had just described. Now it was our turn to try this technique out.
We sat in a small group humming and haahing the way workshop participants do when they don’t want to volunteer anything too personal. I finally offered that I had trouble doing the book work, handling receipts, accounts and all the rest of the drudge minutiae of managing a business.
The members of the group started offering suggestions and asking questions, some of which were helpful, some not.
The people around me talked on, offered more suggestions and ideas, but I didn’t pay much attention.
I thanked her for her words of wisdom and sat back marvelling at how simple that had been.
All it took was a moment to step outside myself and suggest a solution to the same difficulty for someone else to find some wisdom about the situation.
So if someone comes to you with some problem or difficulty. Here is one way to help them that is both simple and respectful.
Let them tell you what their advice to your (imaginary) friend would be.
They may, or may not, have a flash of the blindingly obvious as I did, or they might need to chew on it for a while.
From the helper’s point of view it’s simple. You don’t need to think too hard about what to say because they are doing all the hard work for you. The advice is more likely to be relevant and effective because it comes from them.
If you have a problem you could ask someone to ask you the same question. I think it helps to have someone on the outside asking the question about somebody else, it makes it easier to be wise.
You could, at a pinch, ask yourself the same question and see what happens.
You might be wondering, did it work? Am I just getting on with it.
Funnily enough I have just been getting on with it. I don’t think I’m going to become an accountant any time soon, but it’s definitely better than it was.
Thanks for the mention. Good story. Now I’ll need to get some of my paperwork done!
I noticed when I asked for my invoice, the unusual happened and a got it straight away!! Well done you! it was amazing to watch you when the lady said that to you, as you immediately went in to trance, and Paula and myself were smiling and giggling at some point, as we had never seen you like that before!! Even when you went back to being camera man, you were just in trance!! fascinating!!
Thanks Jackie and Bill. It’s was indeed an interesting experience. I remember thinking at the time: “quiet please I’m thinking” (or trancing).
This reminds me of a useful technique in supervision when the therapist is wrestling with how to work with a particular client. The question to ask the therapist is: ‘What would you really like to say to that person (client) if you could forget you were a therapist and you didn’t have to worry about being rude or direct etc?’ Sometimes the answer can be quite instructive! and may eventually lead to a more appropriate and well worded intervention being constructed for the client.
Thanks, that’s an interesting variation on the theme. They are all examples of stepping out of ourselves to access a different perspective.