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Summary: Austin has his perfect life and his amazing girlfriend. Everything is stable and steady. Then, the dreams start.
She was absentmindedly pawing over the grass, ripping it out and tearing off the very tops. She left the pulled-out grass on the ground, letting some of it scatter over the blanket. It was kind of bothering me.
“Honey, weren’t you the one that said we needed this to look perfect?” I asked. We were on the top of a hill in the middle of the spring. The grass was so soft that we barely needed the blanket. Actually, we agreed that we didn’t actually need the blanket, but she had insisted that we needed this to look actually perfect. And it apparently wouldn’t be perfect without the blanket.
“Wow. That really hurt my heart,” I joked back. I fell onto my back and clutched my chest.
She enjoyed poking jibes at the people that she cared about. I had first noticed it a few months ago. I had pointed it out to her, and she had told me that it was just who she was, and that if I didn’t like it, I shouldn’t be with her. Then I had kissed her and assured her that I found it wonderful, just like everything else about her.
“Then I apologize.” She leaned over and kissed me. This wasn’t the first time that we had kissed, but this honestly felt like it was the most intense we had ever gotten. It did feel absolutely perfect, there on that hill in the sunshine, until my phone rang.
She pulled away from me. “Austin, did you forget to turn your phone off?” She had a hint of a smile on her face, as if she thought both that I was ridiculous and that the ridiculousness was endearing.
I put my hand in my back pocket. My phone wasn’t there.
The phone kept on ringing.
“I don’t have mine,” she said.
I hit the alarm clock and rolled over in bed. Gracie was there, pushing herself up. “Nice to see you awake,” she said.
The dull glow behind the dark curtains in our small Brooklyn apartment told me it was morning. But where was she? Where was that girl that I had been with? And why wasn’t I back on the hill?
Oh. It had all been a dream. That explained it. Still…it was a really weird one in its vivacity. And I had the weirdest feeling of disappointment now that I knew Gracie was here, next to me, instead of the girl in my dreams. Which didn’t make any sense, since I had never met that girl, and since Gracie was pretty awesome in almost every way.
“Just joking, Gracie.” I dragged myself out of bed, annoyed and angry at the morning. Me and Gracie both had trouble getting ourselves to wake up.
I yanked on a pair of black pants and buttoned up a white shirt. I wasn’t going to complain about my job as an accountant at H&R Block, but in the middle of the summer, my office casual style clothing got a bit hot. Still groggy, I left Gracie getting dressed in our room and started a pot of instant coffee. Gracie and I both worshipped it in a style that some of our friends liked making fun of. I liked replying by telling said friends that for all the coffee we drank, Gracie and I still had a nice, steady life.
There was a tiny hallway between the room that Gracie and I slept in and our snug kitchen. I, unfortunately, had kept that hallway lined with boxes full of my things. All of the disorganization made me feel like I was really at home. I, a child born and raised in Rochester, Wisconsin, never really felt comfortable with all of the hustle and bustle of New York City. The clutter strewn around reminded me of the environment that I had grown up in. The only problem was making sure that I didn’t stub my toe on some box.
Once in the kitchen, I poured out two bowls of Cheerios and took out some milk. The carton felt a little too light. I opened it and tried to pour some milk out into one of the bowls. It was empty. I almost felt like growling. It was too early in the morning to deal with disasters like milk deficiency.
The coffee was boiling. I poured out two generous cups, blew on mine for as long as I could manage, and took a gulp. It burned my mouth, but it was worth it. I could feel myself coming awake as the miracle mixture took effect.
“I’ll get to it eventually,” I said. Yes. Eventually.
“Yeah, right,” Gracie muttered, picking up her coffee and taking a sip.
Well, that kind of hurt.
“Most likely sleep through the day,” I joked, glad that we were off the topic of my boxes.
It crossed my mind that the girl in my dream would have gone along with the joke, but I shook that thought out of my head. That girl didn’t exist, and I would be crazy to start comparing her and Gracie. Gracie like joking, once it wasn’t the morning. Gracie was kind and beautiful and steady and I loved being with her, even if it meant taking the brunt of her anger after she woke up.
“Sorry. I’ll keep my jokes inside,” I promised.
“I really need to take over the weekly inventory of our food.” Gracie grabbed her Cheerios and devouring them without any milk. She gulped down the rest of her coffee, poured herself another cup, and left. She had a job at a bookstore in Queens called Women and Children First. Her job started at 8:30, but the commute took a long time, and Gracie liked to be there slightly early. Her leaving was always my signal to get out of the apartment and get to my own job, which started at 8.
“I’ll get some milk on the way home,” I promised to the empty apartment.
Before going home, I stopped at the small market on Schermerhorn Street a few blocks away from our apartment. I was proud of myself for remembering.
“Anyone home?” I called out. Silence greeted me. I took off my shoes and forged deeper into our apartment. I put the milk in the fridge0 and threw out the old carton. The clock on the oven told me that it was 5:08. Gracie would be home around 6.
I took out my cell and called my dad. I tried to call my parents at least one time every week, and Thursday had become the de facto time, since my parents were both free.
I told them that my job was fine, Gracie was great, and that I was still meeting with all of my friends. At their insistence, I went into greater detail on everything in my life. We talked for around an hour. In that time, Gracie came home, holding a gallon of milk. She put hers in the fridge.
Gracie giggled. We finished up our evening by eating dinner, watching the news, and then quietly talking about our days until calling it a night and going to sleep.
When I woke up, I was in the kitchen. I saw her there, and for a second, I couldn’t even remember her name. Then it came to me. Erin. Dark hair falling in waves over her face as we kissed. A musical laugh after I told her a joke. The way that she would obsessively clench her fists when she was bored.
“Considering that you don’t,” I joked.
I faltered. I couldn’t remember where Erin worked. But why? We had been dating for a long time. This was a nightmare! I should be able to remember.
My phone started ringing again. Beep! Beep! Beep!
That dream had freaked me out. I was sure that the girl in it tonight—Erin—had been the same one that I had seen last night. I had never met that girl before. I was pretty sure that dreams were about stuff that you had seen. Maybe she was in some kind of commercial? But that wasn’t the most disturbing part. The most disturbing part was that in my dreams, I was in love with her.
That made no sense! I had Gracie here. I had my stable life. So why—and how—was I having these dreams?
“John finally proposed to Marie,” Gracie told me a few mornings later.
John and Marie were two of our friends. They had been dating since college. They were great together, but the amount of time that they had been dating had made me assume that their relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
We left the house on that note. I didn’t like letting Gracie be mad at me throughout the entire day. Whereas I let arguments go very easily, if left to her own devices, Gracie could easily nurture a grudge against me that would last for several days.
Then I wondered: was Gracie implying that she wanted me to propose to her? We had been going out for about a year, so that would be pretty far-fetched. Still, it was in the back of my mind as I went to work and started taking calls from people who wanted tax returns.
I decided to pick up some much-needed cookies for dessert before going home. It was rush hour, and the trains were packed, so I got off the subway a stop early and tried to walk home. It wasn’t one of my smartest decisions, but I did find a 7-11 that looked like it would suit Gracie and my needs. I entered, appreciating the warmth of the small store and the stark cleanliness that it offered. A bell jingled as I closed the door behind me.
A flick of brown hair caught my eye.
The girl in my dreams.
How could I be sure that this girl was even Erin? Yes, she looked like a random girl I had been dreaming about, but that meant nothing! And furthermore, why was I thinking about the future Erin and I could have? Gracie and I were great together. I loved her. I needed to stop being crazy for once, and just settle down.
I turned and left the store.
“So, how was your day?” Gracie asked over spaghetti.
Why did she sound so accusatory? “Fine,” I replied.
“Nothing,” I said. I immediately flinched. I had sounded sort of angry. Which is not how I meant those words to come out of my mouth.
“Whoa there, tiger. What’s wrong?” Gracie asked.
“Ooo-kay, then,” Gracie said, giving an awkward smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
We didn’t do much talking for the rest of the night.
The next few weeks passed as normal. Mostly. Gracie managed to forgive me, and we continued as normal. We spent a lot of happy hours discussing movies and work, books and the meaning of life. We shared kisses and often more. John and Marie kept planning their wedding. Work was still pretty boring. Gracie was still bringing home books that she thought I should read.
Mostly normal—except for my dreams. I had a phone number now, something that I had seen while calling Erin from a light on Broadway to ask if she was seeing the sunset. I knew that Erin had an affinity for sour gummy worms, just like me. (Gracie liked Snickers more. I loved chocolate, but there was just something about gummy worms.) Erin’s eyes were also hazel. (Blue, blue, blue, Gracie’s eyes sparkled at me as we watched a movie together.) She laughed at all of my stupid jokes, and made even stupider ones in response.
Not to mention, I kept spotting Erin in random places. On the subway. Walking down the street. At the café Gracie and I frequented when we were too lazy to make our own coffee. Gracie even talked about a dark-haired girl who she had spent an hour discussing War and Peace with whose name started with an E, or something like that.
Then, on April 5th, a new girl showed up at work.
Her name was Erin Rosser.
Her hair was dark. Her eyes were hazel.
The moment she saw me, her eyes widened.
I’m pretty sure that mine did the same thing.
Erin nodded, gazing at me. I couldn’t tell whether she was angry, elated, or nothing at all. “Nice to meet you, Austin.” Her voice had a few barbs hidden in it. She definitely knew me from somewhere—but whether she was dreaming of me or not, I didn’t know.
“Same.” I made eye contact with her.
Jackson made his escape from the room. I wasn’t sure whether he could sense the awkwardness between me and Erin, or if he was just going to his natural socially awkward state.
“I like coffee too.” Erin looked down.
Oh, boy. This was going nowhere, very quickly. I was finally in a room with this girl that I had been dreaming about, and I couldn’t even muster two words to get an explanation to why my life was being interrupted by this girl.
“You remind me of someone…” I started. Hopefully that would get us closer to the discussion of dreams.
“Yes, you may,” I replied to her final question.
Erin looked slightly surprised. “Then I thank you, kind sir, for your permission. I give you express permission as a lady to ask the offending question as well.” By the time she had finished, she had put on a ridiculous accent that sounded like it came out of some kind of royal court.
“My dear lady! I could never ruin your—I mean, thine—ears like that. How uncouth!” For a second, I almost forgot that there was something weird and unexplainable going on with this girl here. For a second, we were just two friend joking around.
The emotions running through the room immediately changed. I had quipped a line that Erin and I used in my dreams—and that reminded me, this was a girl that I had met in a few insane, and by all rights impossible dreams. It made me feel awkward, and from the way Erin was looking at me, I could tell that she felt the same way. Suddenly I felt scared. How did I know that Erin didn’t understand what was going on? What if she was some kind of witch or demon taking time out of their incredibly busy schedule to mess up my life?
“Coffee…” I dragged out the word, and let out a sigh of pleasure afterwards. This had the intended effect: Erin laughed. She had a nice laugh. I had never heard it in person before, so that fact really hit me for the first time.
“I think that if we can’t figure out what’s going on, we need to go past demanding compensation from the universe. I think that we need to go to God, or something. Zeus. Osiris. Um, Brahma.” I mentally berated myself. My attempts at humor were seriously failing. I needed to get back to being my normal self.
“Whatever larger entity that’s out there,” Erin continued.
A few minutes later, after my break was over and I was back at my desk, a few seats away from Erin. It was only then that I realized that I was kind of disappointed. I had wanted Erin to tell me that no, she didn’t know anything about dreams, she was just a long-lost relative of some kind. I honestly would have felt more secure with the assumption that I was crazy, rather than knowing that there was someone else out there who had been having crazy, unexplainable dreams about me.
I needed to call Gracie, I noted, to tell her that I might be home late.
“Get the mocha,” Erin said suddenly.
I looked at the display board. There were a lot of different mochas, but I didn’t care about that. I was originally planning on getting black coffee, like Gracie and I always did. Black coffee, a little sugar, sometimes a bit of milk or cream. Even the idea of trying another kind of coffee made me feel like I was betraying Gracie. Plus, mocha was kind of a girl’s drink.
“My girlfriend,” I supplied. I suddenly felt bad.
“Yeah. Yeah, I get it.” I understood what she was saying. Even though it was irrational, even though I had Gracie, somehow I felt like we were supposed to end up together.
Erin, as I discovered, bounced back from any disappointments easily. It actually reminded me of myself. I hated to keep grudges. And as we sat down at a small table together, and tasted a bit of each other’s coffee, I realized that I actually really liked the mocha.
“So, do you have any theories?” Erin asked.
“I do have an idea,” Erin nodded, biting her lip, “but it’s just as far-fetched as yours. It’s…” she trailed off. Her face was red. She obviously was nervous.
It didn’t matter what Erin did to make her proposition seem absurd. With rising nausea, I realized that Erin’s suggestion of us being soulmates seemed right. It didn’t matter that I had Gracie. That single word that Erin had spoken overwhelmed me with a sense of home, of rightness, of happy nights and days together.
“Are you feeling this?” I asked Erin.
“Yes,” she said. Her voice cracked.
She had risen into slight hysteria. I couldn’t blame her. A few people from around the Starbucks were staring at us.
Erin closed her eyes. “Do you want to take this outside?” she asked tightly.
“We have the same favorite movie,” Erin pointed out.
“I don’t.” But I didn’t want this idea to make sense. I wanted whatever was going on to be gas fume hallucinations, or us both accidentally getting high. But I knew—just inexplicably knew, despite how stupid that sounded—that this was the right theory.
Based off what we had already discussed, Erin was possibly my soulmate—the person who was perfect for me. And why wouldn’t she be? We were exactly the same. We like jokes and mocha. We both worked at H&R Block. We liked jump scares in horror movies but hated themes where spiritual things get the best of scientific humans. Living my life with her would be easier than anything.
“We’re not soulmates,” Erin finished.
“You’re saying you don’t like me? Erin, I’m hurt!” I joked.
We smiled at each other.
We kept walking down the street.
I was a little too loud on that one. A few people around us looked around quickly, and then glared at me or sent me some strange looks once they realized that there was no famous director.
When Erin got to her bus stop, I waved her goodbye and continued until getting to my subway station. It was 5:30. Gracie and I would get home at about the same time. I decided that I would make dinner for us, and maybe start cleaning the apartment.
“You read The Perks of Being a Wallflower?” Gracie asked, reading the title of one of the dusty books that I had kept in a box for around a year.
In the kitchen, a timer beeped. “I’ll get that,” I said, and ran to the kitchen. On the stovetop was a pot of ravioli. I had already ruined one pot of pasta today by not putting in enough water, and I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I strained out the water and unceremoniously dumped the ravioli on two plates. I then filled two bowls with salad and placed them on the table. “Dinner is served!” I called out.
“No problem.” I took my own seat and took a bite of salad. It wasn’t actually that bad. It was pretty hard to mess up salad, but I seemed to ruin any food that I touched.
How was I supposed to answer that? Just be like, oh Gracie, I met the literal girl of my dreams. We decided that the universe ordained that we were soulmates, be we decided to leave each other to our own relationships. Yeah, that’s totally normal.
“Yeah. I don’t think that soulmates truly exist,” I agreed.
We trekked down the five flights of stairs and went outside. The sunset was pretty much over already, but there was still a small bit of glowing orange left over. I looked up. The sky was there, starry and high and magical. I loved sunsets, but Gracie loved the night more. She said that the night was the time when she really grasped the fact that as humans, we were tiny. Looking up, I did feel a bit of that magical insignificance.
High above us, the sky loomed, heavy with the promise of cosmic questions and answers, and the existence of something that would have allowed all of the dreams to happen. New York City at night wasn’t exactly the top of a hill at noon, but Gracie was still here with me. And that made everything feel as perfect as possible.