When I say this out loud, I feel silly and foolish. I miss my dog so much. I know that my attachment to her was meaningful and rich, so this unexpected separation that brings an ache to my heart isn't silly or foolish. She is a part of my marriage's identity in a way that I never realized until she was gone. We brought her home only a few months after we were first married and her personality mirrored mine in so many sweet ways.
Grace was my first go of it as a mother, so to speak. I loved her longer than I've loved my own children. She knew when I was upset and tolerated me when I was busy with everyone else. I remember seeing those deep eyes staring back at me when we first met and those same eyes stared into my soul the day we said good-bye. She was the runt of the litter and all her litter mates were squirming all over each other trying to get attention, but Grace was shivering at the back just staring at me. I knew I wanted her from the moment I saw those eyes. Turns out I couldn't have picked a better dog for me. She was hesitant and fearful, but she was amazing and caring. Not only was she in tune with the emotion in a room, but she would leap higher for a frisbee than any dog I've ever seen. Every trick we tried to teach her, she learned. And all of this I know doesn't mean much to anyone else. Your animals don't impact my life and so mine wouldn't impact you either. But she has so deeply impacted my daily life that I can't seem to see Liz's speckled brown fur without my brain completing the picture with a black and white shiny image following behind.
So, while I try to write about things that might be relevant to my friends too, sometimes I just have to write my heart. The sting has started to fade, but as my life marches on I can't help but long for her to be here with us. She was there for the births of all of my children. She was there when J and Miss Z crawled and walked and started to talk. I'm so sad that she won't be there for the Race Car's. She was there when Mr. Butler and I were learning to be us so in a way it doesn't feel like us without her. Mr. Butler and I surmised how Grace and J are a lot alike - very empathetic and sensitive, just wanting everyone to be okay and have fun - and that her passing was kind of a transfer of the baton. With the Race Car's arrival, we certainly have been blessed and occupied. We understand that dogs are not people and people always trump the animals. I was just given such a bonus blessing in my Grace and I was absolutely not ready to give her up.
Ever since they were young, I've always thought about writing a children's book series entitled, The Adventures of Amazing Grace and Lickety Split. One of the ways I hope to fill the hole I seem to have in my heart is to seriously pursue that project. It may not be a fast turn around, but I would love for you to help me by asking how it is coming every once in a while to keep me heading that way.