The Lord has done some remarkable things in our lives over the past fifteen months.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I lamented the fact that we would have to sell our house and move. We had no idea where to go.
But the Lord prompted a former chairman of the church board and his wife to invite us to stay at their place in Surprise, Arizona, which we did for more than two months.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I were so disoriented that we did not understand all that had happened to us or how to move on with our lives.
But the Lord put me in contact with Dr. Charles Chandler from the Ministering to Ministers Foundation, and Kim and I attended a Wellness Retreat in Tennessee that put us on the road to recovery.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I knew that we would be leaving our wonderful church family behind, a prospect we dreaded.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I thought that she might never visit or minister in Kenya again.
But the Lord arranged for a church in Georgia to seek Kim’s help in starting a ministry in Nairobi, and Kim was able to visit Kenya last May – while that church has invested thousands of dollars into the ministry of a pastor friend there.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I were emotionally shattered and spiritually exhausted.
But the Lord led us to a wise and caring counselor, and He has slowly been rebuilding our strength. While it may take some time for us to be 100%, we’re at a much better place than we were. Several people have commented that it’s good to see us smiling again.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I realized we would have to place our house up for sale, even though it was severely underwater financially.
But the Lord brought us a friend who proved to be a loving, persistent, and tireless realtor. Although we sold the house four times before the short sale transaction was completed, we are forever in her debt.
Fifteen months ago, the former board of our church treated us in a manner we will never fully understand.
But the Lord used the next board to pray for us, encourage us, and let us know that we were still loved, and for that we will be forever grateful.
Fifteen months ago, to be honest, life didn’t seem worth living.
But the Lord has been refining us to the point where we are looking forward to whatever He has in store for us in the days ahead.
Fifteen months ago, we were looking backwards, trying to figure out what in the world happened to us and our church family.
But the Lord has turned our heads around so we are increasingly looking forward to what He has for us in the future.
Fifteen months ago, my wife and I knew that we would have to leave our positions at a church that we loved (and still love) very much. We had no idea what else we might do because we felt that God had called us to local church ministry.
But the Lord helped Kim secure a job last summer at a charter school district office, and with her help, we are ready to launch a ministry for pastors and their families who have suffered in church ministry. In fact, we hold our first board meeting next week.
And the Lord continues to do amazing things in our lives. Because Kim’s work commute takes anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes each way, we knew we’d have to move toward her workplace when our current lease expired.
After enduring many frustrating experiences in trying to find the right place to rent, we discovered that our church had online classified ads. We went to their website and found a fun place to rent (the walls in each room are painted a different color) in an unusual neighborhood. We also discovered that our landlord went to my high school and that her step-mother was in my graduating class!
I have been passionate about pastoral conflict issues for more than 35 years, and now the Lord has called me to assist pastors who have suffered abuse, especially those who have experienced forced exits.
That’s why we’re launching our new ministry, Restoring Kingdom Builders. If the Lord can help us rebuild our lives after undergoing life-shattering experiences, then He can use us to touch wounded pastors and their families.
Will you join us in praying that God will continue to use us for His glory?
I wonder what is in store for us – and for you – in the next fifteen months.
I want to thank all of you who have been kind enough to read my blog since I started it about seven weeks ago. Today I passed 1,000 views, and I’m very excited about that!
When you start doing something like this, you have no idea whether it will reach anyone, so I’m grateful for your encouragement and comments.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the car while talking with Kim about an issue relating to conflict … and she’ll stop me and say, “Write a book!” While I am doing that, I’m also writing these little pieces, not only to help others, but also to keep Kim from going crazy.
If you have a topic you’d like covered that relates to church conflict and pastors, please feel free to pass it along. I love challenges!
And if you aren’t yet a subscriber to the blog, I invite you to do so – and to invite others to subscribe as well. Let’s be subversive together!
My son Ryan put the blog together for me, and he’s working on the website as well, so I’ll let you know when that’s finished. I am extremely grateful to him. I guess buying the family a Mac IIsi computer when he was thirteen has finally paid off.
I’ve got scores of topics to write on, so if you’ll keep reading, I’ll keep writing. Thanks again!
Just like that pastor’s kid, most churchgoers have no idea what really goes on behind-the-scenes at the average church. What really happens in meetings of the board and staff? How many decisions are really made on the basis of Scripture and prayer? How do the key leaders really behave when they’re immersed in a crisis?
When I first joined a church staff – and later when I became a pastor – I was horrified at how many decisions in a church were made on the basis of politics, pure and simple. I was shocked because I thought Christian leaders would make spiritual decisions rather than political ones. While I have been in churches where the leaders truly “walked the walk” in every situation, I have also been in churches where the leaders seem to forget they’re in a church.
First, politicians succumb to outside pressure. When Jesus was first brought before Pilate, the Jewish leaders accused Him of “subverting our nation. He opposes payment of taxes to Caesar and claims to be Christ, a king” (Luke 23:2). In other words, Jesus was accused of trying to overthrow Rome. But after Pilate initially questioned Jesus, he told His accusers, “I find no basis for a charge against this man” (Luke 23:4). And yet, when Jesus’ countrymen continued to accuse Him of stirring up the people, Pilate lost his nerve and backed down.
In my first pastorate, the board chairman asked me to take action over a theological issue involving two of his family members. After I researched the issue, I presented relevant materials to the board in a three-hour meeting, after which we made a unanimous decision. When I tried to explain our decision to the family members, they threatened to leave the church and demanded a personal apology. When I asked the board for support, they flipped on me and told me to apologize, but I refused. (I’d like to say it’s because of divine courage but it could also be because of my stubborn Germany ancestry.) I reminded them that we had made a decision together based on Scripture, but that didn’t matter to them.
While politicians wilt when pressured, spiritual leaders stand strong.
Second, politicians avoid the tough calls. Dr. Luke tells us that when Pilate heard that Jesus was a Galilean, he sent Jesus to see the ruler of Galilee, King Herod, who was visiting the Holy City for Passover. Pilate hoped that Herod would make a decision about Jesus’ fate that would take the Roman governor off the hook, but Herod merely ridiculed Jesus and sent him back to Pilate.
I once stumbled upon some inappropriate material on the social networking site of an important person in my church. I consulted with that person’s supervisor who promised to address the issue, but months later, the objectionable material was still there.
While a politician prefers not to confront a friend, a spiritual leader seeks that person’s repentance and restoration.
Third, politicians scapegoat innocent people. Which crimes had Jesus commited against Rome? He hadn’t committed any. Pilate twice confessed that Jesus was innocent of all the charges hurled His way (Luke 23:4, 14), but instead of exonerating and then releasing Him, Pilate decided to punish Jesus (by beating) before releasing Him. Why? This is what His vocal constituents demanded even though Jesus was blameless before the law. Rather than declaring Jesus completely innocent, Pilate declared Jesus partly innocent.
I’ll write more about this story another time, but I know a church where the pastor resigned because a member of his family was accused of a crime they didn’t commit. No one in that church moved a finger to right the wrong – until the new pastor came. When he heard the truth, he arranged for the former pastor to return to the church. In public, those who falsely accused the pastor admitted their error, the church asked his forgiveness for permitting a grave injustice, and the pastor and church experienced a liberating reconciliation that allowed both parties to move on with God’s blessing.
While politicians apportion blame for conflicts indiscriminately, spiritual leaders apportion blame accurately.
Fourth, politicians don’t seek divine wisdom. With the Sanhedrin breathing down his neck, Pilate did not seek guidance from Scripture, or a prophet, or prayer. God tried to speak to him through a dream that He gave Pilate’s wife (Matthew 27:19), but Pilate brushed off the message. He was used to making unilateral decisions based on Roman interests + common sense, but both of those touchstones failed him at this juncture. Had he only looked above instead of around … history might have judged him differently.
You might not like this, but I have been in scores of board meetings where the board members – who have been chosen primarily because of their walk with God – never even consider consulting God when they get stuck on an issue. They don’t quote Scripture or turn to key passages. They don’t stop the meeting to consult with the Lord in prayer. I have even been in meetings where the meeting wasn’t opened with prayer. It’s like the Lord isn’t even there. Board members just discuss issues using worldly wisdom but never truly seek the Lord’s mind on anything.
While politicians consult exclusively with their peers or constituents, spiritual leaders initially seek the Lord’s face on everything.
Finally, politicians want to look good. They care more about their image than their character. They care more about how they appear to others than how they appear to God. John makes a profound statement about many of the Jewish leaders who believed in Jesus but would not confess Him openly: “For they loved praise from men more than praise from God” (John 12:43).
While politicians are primarily concerned with feeling good and looking good so they can be re-elected, spiritual leaders care more about being good and doing good – even if that means they’re one-termers.
If we’re serious about wanting God’s blessing on our churches, if we truly wish to obey God’s Word, if we want to impact our communities for Jesus, if we want to see revival in our time – then we need to stop making decisions in our churches purely on the basis of politics and start making decisions on the basis of righteousness.
I dare you to try it. In fact, I double dog dare you.
Conflict in a local church is often unavoidable, especially when so many people with varying ways of doing things inhabit the same spaces. But when we know up-front that conflict is likely to surface, we can take proactive steps to minimize its damaging effects.
Number 5: The pastor’s vacation. Why? Because those who don’t like the pastor can plot against him without his awareness.
Like Brother Biddle, pastors sometimes have nightmares about what might happen if they miss too many Sundays in a row, and although board members usually aren’t sent on “search and destroy” missions against their shepherd, a lot of mischief can occur when he’s away. For example, if the governing board or a group of dissidents in the church wants to remove the pastor from office, those plans will be acclerated when the pastor is away. But the opposite can also occur: the entire church can be paralyzed while the pastor is gone, especially if he makes most of the decisions. Careful planning can reduce most conflicts in this category.
Number 4: Change in leadership style. Why? Because people in a church become accustomed to one pastor’s way of leading a ministry and have a tough time adjusting to the next pastor’s style.
I once followed a pastor who was personally authoritative and rather elitist in decision-making. Every major decision was made by the same handful of people. When I became pastor, I laid out the overall direction for the church but used a more participative style. While many people appreciated the way I did things, a few were so used to the previous pastor’s style that they could not adjust to mine. This issue occurs in every church and organization, so it’s predictable – but it takes some people a long time to make the necessary adjustments.
Number 3: Addition of new staff. Why? Because every time a new person joins a church staff, the dynamics of the entire staff change.
A church I pastored once hired a full-time staff member who wasn’t a team player. For example, he held a meeting week after week at the church facility on the same night but continually left the room a mess for the next group. I tried and tried to get him to leave the room clean but he couldn’t understand what the problem was. If we had an event on the church campus after worship on Sunday, the entire staff would stay, serve, and help clean up, but he’d slip off the campus at the first opportunity. The rest of the staff resented his attitude because he seemed aloof from them. And, of course, every time I had to talk with him about these issues, he resented me more and more as well.
For a church to prosper, it needs new staff members, but every time one is hired, not only does the church need to adjust to that person, but so does the pastor and the rest of the staff – and that always causes conflict.
Number 2: Stewardship campaigns/budget time. Why? Because everyone in a church puts a different value on money.
When I left my last church, I moved 35 boxes of files. While watching football yesterday, I made my way through five of those boxes, and I was truly amazed at how many files had to do with money. (My guess is that 75% of the files touched on finances.) If a church’s income is increasing, the governing board may debate whether to hire a new staff member, save money for facility repairs, or put more money into missions. If a church’s revenues are shrinking, the board will be forced to debate what should be cut and by how much. Either scenario can lead to the expression of strong opinions and hurt feelings. Then when that same board presents the budget for the following year to the church, some people go ballistic about unfunded areas while others come unglued about overfunded ones.
If I had to pastor again, I’d prefer to fast forward from September right to December every year and skip the financial planning headaches of October and November (even though they’re my two personal favorite months of the year).
Number 1: Easter. Why? Because Easter is usually the busiest time of the year in a church, especially if it celebrates Good Friday as well.
As a pastor, I always loved Easter Sunday. The resurrection of Jesus Christ is the most joyful, uplifting, inspiring, and moving topic in the world. But … preparing for Easter Sunday can be riddled with conflict because everyone wants to look good on Easter.
Think about it: the church needs to be thoroughly cleaned; the refreshments need to be creatively displayed; marketing materials must look perfect; the decorations must be properly festive; the worship team wants to play and sound fantastic; and the pastor wants to preach his best message. While the effort is always worth it, the build-up to Easter is fraught with pitfalls that need to be carefully negotiated. The first Easter had far less conflict than the average Easter in the average church.
May you internalize these predictable times for trouble so that, should conflict emerge, you’ll be able to say, “This isn’t abnormal; this is very, very normal.” May God grant you peace as you live for and serve Him!
I love the church that my wife and I attend. It’s the church that I always wanted to pastor. For example, as Kim and I were walking up to the lobby last Sunday, I told her that I first needed to stop by the men’s room. Just then, the worship band began playing their opening song, and I heard a familiar guitar riff coming through the speakers outside. I told Kim, “That’s All Because of You by U2.” I quickly bypassed the men’s room. We found seats four rows from the front, I listened to the band play the entire song, and then I quickly slipped out for a moment.
After the service, we went to the information desk so Kim could confirm some details about a missions course she’s taking. Then we bought hamburgers at the grill outside and watched the Bears pummel the Seahawks on one of five large-screen TVs in the patio area. While we were eating lunch, kids and their parents were playing football, soccer, and basketball on the fields nearby. (It’s never winter in the Phoenix area.) Yesterday someone who once attended the church termed it “Church Disneyland,” but I know what they’re doing and why: they are trying to reach spiritually lost people with the good news of Jesus and they’re doing it extremely well.
Our pastor is a truth teller and a straight talker, and I like that. Last Sunday, he used three Old Testament stories to illustrate that because we have a big God, we need to think big as well, and his message resonated with us in a powerful way. But for the third time in sixth months, he referred to an incident that happened to him years before, an occurrence that he shared with me privately before I ever heard him mention it publicly.
In the early years of the church, four staff members aligned themselves against the pastor. I don’t know what their specific charges were but they engaged in character assassination. When the pastor discovered their plot, he called a meeting of the entire church to expose them, and three of them immediately resigned. That alliance threatened the entire mission and existence of the church. The pastor survived, but it took him months to recover his drive and energy.
How often do professing Christians form alliances against a pastor? Sadly, it happens all too often. An alliance in a church can take many forms. As in the above case, staff members can form a group to force the pastor to resign. Or the governing board can initiate a “church coup” by blocking all of the pastor’s plans (and substituting their own). Or a group can engage in “secret meetings” where people make a list of charges against the pastor and then issue a series of demands, threatening to leave the church en masse if their demands are not met.
Why do people form such alliances? They do so because they feel powerless by themselves but powerful when they’re with others. As they complain to their colleagues/friends/co-workers, they discover people who agree with them and share their agenda. When they find enough willing participants, they form an unofficial group. Someone assumes leadership, they begin meeting in secret, and they’re usually willing to use any means necessary to accomplish their goal: take out the top leader.
Isn’t this what happened with Jesus? I’ve been studying The Gospels and have been surprised at how many alliances it took to execute Jesus. The Pharisees enlisted the help of the hated Herodians in trying to pummel Jesus with tough theological questions (Matthew 22:15-22). Judas struck a deal with the Sanhedrin to reveal Jesus’ whereabouts during Passover (Matthew 26:14-16). Pontius Pilate and King Herod Antipas, who did not get along, initiated a friendship after both examined Jesus (Luke 23:12). Even Israel (the Jews) and Rome (the Gentiles) had to form a partnership to eliminate Jesus. Without these “strange bedfellows” – humanly speaking – Jesus would never have been crucified.
“‘Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his Anointed One.’ Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed” (Acts 4:25-27).
When I was a pastor, I didn’t mind if a few individuals in the church complained about various matters as long as they spoke to me or another top leader directly and didn’t spread their discontent to others. I actually welcomed such complaints because there were times when people observed matters that I couldn’t possibly notice. I always thanked those who had the courage to come and speak with me personally.
But I was always on the lookout for complainers who started to form coalitions. It is not a sin to feel uncomfortable about something in a church, or to share your concern with a church leader, or even to have a conversation with another attendee about that same matter. But it is a sin to form a group within the church whose express purpose is to get its own way. And once the group begins to deliberate, it usually concludes that it cannot get its way unless it first gets rid of whoever is standing it its way – and that person is usually the pastor.
No one can ever detect every budding alliance in a church, but just determine that you will never form or join such a group.
I once met with a group of Christian clergy who were dissatisfied with the leaders of the organization that we all served. Several of these men began to suggest that we could remove the leaders and “take back” the organization. While listening to my colleagues talk, I could sense how powerful they felt. But I eventually spoke up and told my friends that I wouldn’t have anything to do with plotting against the organization’s leaders, even though I was distressed by some of their decisions. My words of protest threw a wet blanket over the whole discussion, and the leaders never again entertained the idea of overthrowing their superiors.
But I shudder to think what might have happened if I had either agreed with them or remained silent.
If you’re unhappy with your church or upset with your pastor for some reason, choose not to complain to others, even your good friends. Instead, go to the person you’re upset with and talk to them about the matter. That’s what Jesus instructed us to do (Matthew 18:15-17).
But you can form an alliance with one party: the Lord Himself. Go into your closet and have a secret meeting with Him. Unload your concerns about your church and its leaders.
Because in the long run, forming a coalition with the Father is far more effective – and uniting – than forming an alliance with any of your spiritual brothers and sisters.
You work as a supervisor at a company that you really like. You look forward to coming to work each morning, enjoy your co-workers, and find your position utilizes your special gifts and strengths. Most of all, you believe that you are making a real contribution to your company. You are always included in management meetings and believe that your ideas make your company better. You plan on keeping your job for many years to come.
Your company has been undergoing some changes recently, and there’s a lot of anxiety on everyone’s part. Then one day, you attend an all-company meeting at which the top leaders make a presentation concerning the company’s future and actively solicit feedback from its workers. You quickly discover that you were excluded from the latest round of meetings and that decisions have been made without your knowledge or approval.
Before you know it, some other people are making accusations against you as well. The charges sound like they could be true to others, but you know they are completely false. After a few minutes, the tide of the meeting has turned so ugly that you just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
For those of you who work in a company, how likely is the above scenario?
It’s not. Why not? Because most companies create policies that protect their workers – and leaders – from being ambushed like that. If your supervisor believes that you’ve done something wrong, he or she is supposed to sit down with you and talk to you about it face-to-face. You should never, ever hear negative information about yourself for the first time in a public meeting, and if it did happen, you might very well have legal grounds for taking action against that company.
Then why do all too many churches allow this kind of attack against their pastor?
*If I believe that a fellow believer has sinned – especially against me – than I have the responsibility of going to that person directly and confronting him or her with what I have seen or heard. If they “listen to you” and repent of their actions, then you have restored that person and no further action needs to be taken.
But you don’t first bring up their offenses in a public, all-church meeting. That’s skipping steps.
*If they refuse to “listen,” Jesus says, then you are to take along one or two other people. Once again, you repeat the first step but with additional witnesses present. This elevates the seriousness of the charges. Once again, the goal is restoration and redemption, not destruction and termination.
But you still don’t go to the church with your charges. That’s skipping steps.
*Only if the accused individual refuses to change after the first and second encounter should anything be brought up before the church. Jesus concludes in Matthew 18:17, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” – in other words, as someone who is excluded from the fellowship.
These steps are redemptive and deliberate. Confronting another believer with sin involves a progressive process, Jesus says, and the steps are crucial. You must work the steps in the order prescribed without blowing past the first two steps. If you can’t work step one, then quit. Don’t jump right to step three.
But in way too many Christian churches, pastors are ambushed in public meetings with charges they have never heard before. And sadly, most people who attend those meetings let it happen.
Can you imagine how horrible you would feel if you were abused at your workplace in that fashion? You’d probably reach for the phone and call an attorney right away.
But who can pastors call when this sort of thing happens to them and no one stands up for them?
If the answer came back, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” then I would ask the moderator to dismiss the meeting and make sure Jesus’ steps were followed before any charges were ever brought to the congregation again. If the moderator would not comply, then I would turn on my heel and walk out of the meeting – because Jesus had ceased being the Head of that church.
But I would go further. (It’s dangerous to have a pastor as a regular church member, is it not?) I would insist that if the charges made against the pastor turned out to be false that the church exercise discipline on those who made the charges.
What’s the biblical basis for that?
Did you catch the second-to-the-last phrase? “If the witness proves to be a liar, giving false testimony against his brother, then do to him as he intended to do to his brother.” If the witness hoped his charges resulted in the stoning of the accused – and the charges proved to be false – then the witness should be stoned, Moses says.
The result? One less malicious liar in Israel – and all the other gossips and haters are put on notice that their crap won’t be tolerated.
Paul advocates turning the tables on divisive individuals, working the steps in Matthew 18 in an attempt to get them to repent of their body-fracturing behavior. While many of us would prefer just to boot them out of the church with a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” sentiment, once again, the steps cannot be skipped: they must be worked.
Even though these verses are in Scripture, how often are they carried out in our churches? And if not, why not? I’d like to hear your thoughts.