For many a resolution seems like a waste. The very word means that you are intent, resolved, and determined to fulfil your decision, yet many who make new years resolutions know that within a month or even a few short days they will fail.
Why make a resolution you know that you have no intention on keeping? Thereby destroying the very name of the decision, a resolution. I quit resolutions years ago. I knew that I would only frustrate myself from not loosing or keeping off weight or not eating a certain foods. I was not resolute in my decisions and therefore made no resolutions.
Some years I would just answer that I made a resolution to not make any unreachable resolutions.
To preface the rest of this blog you must know that I love meaning. Layers upon layers of meaning. In actions, decisions, writing, conversations, music and just about everything else. Sometimes I even look for layers when they don't exist. Sometimes I add them when no one will notice.
I have considered various resolutions to make in the upcoming year to pair with my recent life changes and have come up with nothing of worth -- nothing that really adds meaning into my life.
I could be finding the whole process difficult because I am incredibly homesick. Growth in my life seems to have come to a complete standstill and I am finding life excessively difficult.
Home always is some glorified place in my mind filled with fun, friends, and an easy life.
A life filled with nights out, dressing up, and the glitz and glamour that I remember from being busy 24/7. A life with very little financial constraint and a job that I completely enjoyed. I life where I felt appreciated and sought after.
Did I mention that it seems excessively hard here? I remind myself constantly that I am surrounded by great friends here. I segregate myself and then am somehow surprised that I feel lonely.
I think all of the things I remember are only partial truths. A lot has changed at home and as well as within me. Life was difficult, lonely, and boring enough that I felt completely excited and ready to leave the country. It cant be as simple and exciting as I remember it.
So after all of this where do I want to be in 2012?
The simple answer is I still don't know.
I would like to say that I want to be content with where I am but that was a decision to work on years ago. I want to say that I will be okay with not being as gorgeous or attractive as I want to be, as thin as I want to be, or as financially set as I would like but I have been working on that list for years. Its completion is hardly attainable in 12 short months.
Maybe complete honesty with myself? Although, I don't know how much I deceive myself in the first place.
I will be finishing the 'read your bible in a year' program that I have started but that is hardly a new decision as I am four months into it.
And after all of this I can see a constant. I am focused on me and am never good enough. I never really measure up or am happy. Every sentence is flooded with 'I', 'myself', 'self', and 'me' rather than a big picture. Something worth meaning. Something bigger than 'me' or the trivial things I want in my life.
2012 has to be the year where I care about others more than myself.
If all I do is stare at myself in the mirror I can never change someone else's life for the better and I certainly wont be able to build something bigger than myself.