A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet.
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife.
out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"
"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"
and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
you for one month!" says his dad.
and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
anything else I could think of.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
speed, and figured that something must be up.
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
restaurant because the waitresses there had tight pants and nice buns.
and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the river.
and they even had an elevator.
at Jessicas restaurant because they had never been there before.
realize I was talking to the sheep."
A truckie misses a turn-off before a low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel."