Today, I watched a video from Brightside about a "9 Months of Pregnancy in 4 Minutes". The video shows the start of conceiving a child from the start to giving birth in 4 minutes.
While watching the video, all the memories and pain of losing my unborn child returned. I find myself weeping uncontrollably. I've been holding on for years, pretending that I'm okay even if it's not. Just to go on with life. The truth of what had really happened did not sink in, immediately. Until I saw and visualized it.
My first-born son and I were on the bed. I lay down while he placed himself on my tummy. He wants to play like a horse rider. He didn't know it. I did not stop him because I didn't know that I have him inside my tummy. My first born continue to sit and play horseback riding. until I feel the pain that suddenly shoots from nowhere. Then, I feel what seems like a ball that turned to the right. To make this story short, he's gone. No heartbeat. He was 7-weeks old.
Who is going to be blamed?
No one. Not even his would-be big brother. He was only 2 years old. Whilst, I'm a big, chubby kind of woman or fat if you say so. I have an abnormal menstruation in my teen years. That is why I am used to having no menstruation for a month, two or even three months. I did not feel anything or suspect anything for the lapses. But, I do feel guilty!
Four years has passed, I thought It's going to be alright. That I will forget the pain and managed to move on with life. But, I am not. The pain is still here in my heart. I regret the fact of losing my baby without knowing that he's inside of me. I regret the chance for my first born to have a little brother that he's dying to have. Yes, he wants to have a baby brother to play with. My son Aiden cry whenever his playmates go home. As a mother, it breaks my heart to see him cry and stop his playmates from going home.
To my unborn child, please forgive me! I didn't know! How I wish I know!