A viewing and funeral service was held for four members of the Caneiro family who were killed in an arson fire at their Colts Neck home.
As a community reeled from the news that a family of four had been murdered, then their house set on fire, school officials and counselors mobilized.
Eleven-year-old Jesse Caneiro and 8-year-old Sophia Caneiro were students at Colts Neck Township schools. Their deaths meant school employees, as well as parents, faced a task that felt impossible: consoling their friends in what may be their first brush with death.
A memorial card that was distributed to media members gathered at the Holmdel Funeral Home, Sunday, December 2, 2018, depicts the four members of the Caneiro family who were killed in an arson fire at their Colts Neck home. Paul Caneiro has been charged in their deaths.
"I don't know how to describe a school environment after something like this happens," said Superintendent MaryJane Garibay. "I can say closer to the event, we utilized school spaces, classrooms and offices to speak with students individually and in small groups."
Young students may already be exposed to trauma from a nonstop news cycle: the Parkland school shooting, the Kroger shooting in Kentucky and days later the attack on a Pittsburgh synagogue, to name a few.
The Colts Neck fire and murders, however, hit closer to home for friends, neighbors and especially people who went to school with the Caneiro children.
"What's a little bit trickier is when it hits close to home, we as adults and parents may get tripped up in the reality," said Maureen Brogan, the statewide coordinator for the Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth.
Adults may feel inclined to protect their children from the information surrounding a violent death, Brogan said. Instead, she recommends parent take the time to explain a soundbite their children hear on the news or a rumor they hear around school, just like they would explain any other bad news.
"It is a careful balancing act," Brogan said. "Most parents would like to keep their kids in that bubble and safe and as protected as they can. That's unrealistic, but it's a balancing act."
Brogan remembers what Fred Rogers, the beloved children TV personality, said to viewers about bad things happening.
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You'll always find people who are helping,'" he said.
A Holmdel Funeral Home employee hands out a statement from the Caneiro and Karidis families outside the site where the viewing and funeral was being held for the four members of the Caneiro family who were killed in an arson fire at their Colts Neck home. Paul Caneiro has been charged in their deaths.
Talking about death, even violent death, doesn't mean discussing every graphic detail, she added, but it gives parents an opportunity to address the loss of a classmate while explaining that the world isn't all bad.
After the Caneiro murders, the Colts Neck school district deployed its "internal crisis team," which includes guidance counselors, psychologists, a social worker, learning consultants and administrators. They also brought in help from the Monmouth County Traumatic Loss Coalition and posted worksheets online detailing resources and tips for parents about how to broach the subject with their children.
Garibay said she got calls from administrators across the county offering help and condolences. Colts Neck received two counselors from the Marlboro Township public schools, two from Howell Township public schools and one from the Belmar school district.
Garibay wouldn't discuss how many counselors are in the schools or how students are responding two weeks later because she didn't want to violate student confidentiality.
"Counseling and grief are very personal," she said. "There have been a lot of conversations about the students' needs."
The Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth started in 2000 after a series of suicides in Mercer County prompted officials to consider offering mental health resources to schools across the state.
Then 9/11 happened. Multiple chapters sprang up to help schools and families affected by the terror attack cope with the carnage.
"When younger children saw the towers fall, they thought the whole city and all the big buildings in the country were falling down because they kept seeing that visual over and over again," Brogan recalled.
Seventeen years later, the organization has a coalition in each county ready to work with schools, religious institutions and Boy and Girl Scout troops after a traumatic event, as well as beforehand. Along the way, Brogan said, they learned what works and what doesn't for children experiencing trauma.
A silver lining of a grisly fire or murder, she said, is that "it's really an opportunity to foster resilience, which will help them down in life." Like finding healthy ways to grieve.
Some children ask a lot of questions, like whether the dead get hungry, why their friend is gone or what to expect at a funeral.
"Be honest and say we don't have all the answers," Brogan said, "but we can say we're going to be here and we're going to get through this."
It's OK to use the word "dying" or "dead." That can help a child process the reality that someone is gone.
Avoid analogies like saying someone "fell asleep." A child can develop sleep disturbances or become anxious when a relative takes a nap.
Don't just rush to turn off the news. Maybe change the channel or take a minute to talk about a traumatic death with a child and explain that bad things happen sometimes.
If a child asks a question about death, don't over-explain. Let the child lead the conversation.
Children show grief just like adults. Below are some ways adults can respond to those signs, per the Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth.