If you’re a woman, it’s likely that you’ve heard this statement in relation to a man.
The conclusions it prompts are two-fold. First, this saying is sensible. It rings as an accurate, useful, and necessary mantra by which any person can live peacefully, and with dignity, in relation to another person.
In practice though, these conclusions may not be free from confusions.
e.g. Teaching people how to treat you does NOT mean explaining why you don’t want to be grabbed, poked, pinched, kissed, tickled, held down, hugged too long, or cornered in a room.
e.g.Teaching people how to treat you does NOT mean clarifying why you can’t take time to call or hang out while taking care of a sick or dying family member.
e.g.Teaching people how to treat you does NOT mean defending yourself as “not a prude” or “drama queen” because you won’t text photos of yourself to strangers.
e.g.Teaching people how to treat you does NOT mean defining how to be punctual or clean or thoughtful about other people’s stuff.
e.g.Teaching people how to treat you does NOT mean arguing about why this isn’t funny and how it hurts the souls and bodies of women and men everywhere.
In general, these lessons are ones that adults need to learn on their own, not on the sweat off your back, or on the strength of an intimate partner relationship with you. I say this for a few reasons (and it’s not because I don’t think people are, in general, worth a great deal of time and effort…I actually think people are worth the changes we go through to integrate them into our lives or become integrated into their lives).
1) Women, in general, tend to be pseudo-nurturers. I say “pseudo” because nurturing is predominantly a masculine trait. Many of us tend to give disproportionately to what we receive; this makes it easy, in our predominantly patriarchal society, for a lot of us to be grossly taken advantage of socially, emotionally, sexually, physically, and financially.
2) Women are often told (both explicitly and implicitly) that if we don’t put up with a bit of disrespect and disregard (while we’re teaching men how to treat us), we’ll be alone, unchosen, and untied. Translation: unwanted.
Bonnie’s digest this message wholeheartedly.
So, I’m outlining these lessons as examples of what, “You have to teach people how to treat you” does NOT mean.
I want to reconfigure what’s been touted as reasonable and direct. I want to unveil some of the tricks of supremacist patriarchal structures in the lives of women. My hope is that this clarity makes some small and meaningful contributions to women’s ideas about personal freedom.
Teaching people how to treat you, as it’s currently and covertly understood in our society, can amount to abuse. It can mean cordoning yourself for weeks, months, or even years, in an unhealthy and counterproductive dynamic. Teaching people how to treat you can get twisted into proving a point (you can get and keep a man), elevating your status in the eyes of one or multiple others (you’re a keeper, a real team player), and making evident a desirable strength (you’re not a quitter, not high maintenance, you’re not too much, you’re patient, reasonable, and easy). When done like this, teaching people how to treat you simultaneously stunts your growth and whoever you’re relating to. It creates a cycle of codependency, degradation, and falsity that, in effect, teaches people how NOT to treat you. It teaches people that you are without healthy boundaries, uncertain about your worth, unclear about what you want, and easily disadvantaged…even erased.
Supreme Love for Self precludes and disables such dynamics. Cultivating Supreme Love means radically, powerfully, and inclusively liking and loving yourself so that teaching people how to treat you is a pleasure, not a chore. Be in touch and I’ll show you how.