At the bottom of all these mindsets is the root cause of a lack in our relationship with God. Often as a result of childhood hurts, our understanding of relationships becomes warped, and it affects our relationship with God. This can be clearly seen when we evaluate the principle that: Our relationship with others reflects our relationship with God!
John alludes to this principle in 1 John 3:14-17 - How can we say we have an intimate relationship with God, who we cannot see, if we don't have such relationships with those on earth, who we can see?
And so there are many who conduct superficial relationships with God, just as they conduct superficial relationships with others. They avoid intimacy, because they fear being hurt again. Out of this fear comes a desire to control. "Surely," the rejected person convinces themselves, "if I can control all those around me, then I can ensure they never hurt me, and I will never experience this pain again!"
Unfortunately, this person who thinks this way has exacerbated the problem at three levels. Firstly, they avoid intimate relationships with others. They cannot be vulnerable or transparent - "If others saw me as I truly am, they would not love me!" the hurt person reasons. And so they put on a mask, which keeps them from ever experiencing the level of relationship they so desperately need.
Secondly, their controlling influence begins to affect their relationship with those around them. These people begin to feel guilty, manipulated and used. They begin to visit less and less - every visit is unpleasant or even painful as the hurt person spills the poison that is eating away their soul.
Finally, they maintain a similar relationship with God, never being transparent or vulnerable before Him, and thus never letting Him come in and minister healing to all the torment of past hurts.
Sadly, such people distance themselves from the very tool that is most likely to set them free-the evaluation process. Since it is desperately important for hurt person to feel accepted and loved, they cannot accept any form of confrontation. Any attempt by those who love this person to point out her needs is interpreted as an attack on her, or a rejection of her. Instead of her friends being able to bring the scalpel to her life and cut out those areas of rotting flesh, she turns the scalpel back on them, slashing at them in order to drive them away from her area of pain.
It becomes increasingly important for this person to control their world. Every action of other people is interpreted as a possible threat. Suddenly instead of her mastering her circumstances, her circumstances have mastered her. Now, the actions of anyone can affect her. The slightest mistake of others can devastate her. One misspoken word, one misinterpreted phrase can send her into a spiral of depression. Her world has become completely controlled by the actions of others. She is not longer capable of pursuing her destiny with that bold confidence that God so longs for her to move in.