Original Airdate on NBC: 30th September, 1993.
Transcript written on 26th March, 1999.
Transcript revised on 10th March, 2003.
Frasier is at his console; Roz is in her booth.
Now who's up next, Roz?
to stop what we're doing and entertain them.
Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
The sound of a doorbell is heard.
Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Shhh!  They're here!
opportunity to... [stops whispering] Oh, for pete's sake!
Why don't you just tell them how you feel?
Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Okay!  Okay, I will next time, I promise!
Pam hangs up.  Roz signals to Frasier.
this message from... [checks the copy] "Carpet Fresh."
He presses a button and takes off his headphones.
Daphne is standing at the dinner table, sorting some laundry.
Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.
Daphne: I see you've found yourself a new suit.
Martin: Oh, wait till you see it, Daph - it's a beaut!
Daphne: Let's have a look!
begins to flap them vigorously.
Daphne: What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit.
[notices] Daphne, what are you doing?
you're losing some of your elasticity.
She stretches the waistband of the knickers.
The phone rings.  Frasier gets it.
you can come by!  Great!  I'll, I'll see you there!
Niles, and he has just finished using his mobile phone.
Frasier: Hi Niles, good to see you!
Niles enters.  Frasier closes the door.
Frasier: Thanks for calling first.
to say the least.  Daphne just smiles at him.
Daphne: Why, yes I am.
a little lost for words.
someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?
She takes her hand away and gets back to sorting the laundry.
Frasier returns with a photo.
Niles: Well, what a lovely accent.  Is that, er, Manchester?
Daphne: Yes.  How'd you know?
Daphne: No, they didn't mention it.
spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention that, either.
He notices that Niles is pressing the knickers against his face.
Martin: Fits like a glove.  Hi, Niles!
Niles: Hey, dad... [notices his suit] Wow.
Martin: How do I look?
Niles: [incredulous] You got that at Armani?
in the window of a discount clothing store.
Daphne picks up all of the laundry.
changes color when I move my arm!
laundry, goes over to Martin.
it up before it gets wrinkled.
display window winded up inside a mayonnaise jar!
Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?
discussion since we were children.
Niles: [goes towards the kitchen] But that suit!
himself a drink.  Frasier enters.
muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.
Frasier: Well, thank goodness we took after mum.
Niles: So how come he didn't acquire any of her... sophistication?
could have the nicer things.
Niles: I don't know.  Dad's so set in his ways.
Niles: [shakes his head wistfully] Was I ever that young?
the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.
Niles: How about an evening of fine dining?
Niles: [excited] Le Cigare Volant!
Frasier: [ecstatic, wrings his hands] Hah!
Frasier: Niles, you are so mean.
Frasier: I'll just call information.
Niles: Oh, no need; I have it on speed dial.
Niles takes out his mobile phone and hands it to Frasier.
bient�t ! [shuts Niles's phone, laughs] We're in!
They do a high-five.  Martin, back in his casual clothing, returns.
Martin: Niles, can I get you a beer?  Some pork rinds?
hottest new restaurants in town.
offer, but I wouldn't like it.
Frasier: Oh dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
know I wouldn't like that.
want to do this for you.
Frasier and Niles do another high-five, which means more sore hands.
Frasier: [laughs] We're gonna have the best time!
Frasier: [to Niles] And won't that be nice?
Scene Three: KACL; Roz's booth, before show time.
feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.  So how was your weekend?
has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky.
Frasier: Roz, where do you meet these people?
You got thirty seconds - you'd better get in there.
Frasier: Roz, are you ready?
Frasier: Come on, we do this every Monday!
Roz: You do this every Monday.  I play along!
Roz picks up some sheaves of paper.
Frasier: [enthusiastic] Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?
Frasier: [shakes his fist] Alright!
Roz sits at her console; Frasier enters the studio.
shuts the doors.  Daphne enters from her room.
Daphne: We-ell!  Aren't you a bobby dazzler?
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
Frasier: Where are you off to?
Daphne: I'm going to poker night.
Frasier: I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player.
Daphne puts her coat on.  The doorbell rings; Frasier goes to get it.
bag and looks somewhat excitable.
Niles: Oh, no.  I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes.
Daphne: Why thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: [to Niles] What's in the bag?
Daphne: I love Devonshire Clotted Cream.
Daphne: I'll just go and pop this in the fridge.
She leaves for the kitchen.  Niles gazes after her, dreamily.
three is such an awkward number, you know, at a, at a dinner.
Frasier gives Niles a glass of sherry and a suspicious look.
Niles: Nothing, nothing... [realizes] Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier!
just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
She shakes his hand, and holds on.
Frasier: [to Niles] She's psychic.  We've decided to find it charming.
Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Daphne: [at the door] It's a gift.  Well, cheerio!
Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!
Martin enters.  He is wearing his casual clothes.
Martin: 'Kay!  I'm ready to go!
Frasier: Ah, ah, dad, what's happened to your suit?
Frasier: Er Niles, may I borrow your phone?
minimum dress code. [worried] Crane.  Frasier.  Doctor!
Niles: Give me that. [takes the phone] Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane.
good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up.
and we-we're not going to get in anywhere.
Martin: Hey, I know!  Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill?
Martin: Well, I was willing to go to your place.
Frasier: Er, dad, I I think we'd better just er, take a rain check.
I'm really in the mood for a good steak!
Martin turns around in surprise.
an evening together as a family!  Right?
toppings for your baked potato!
Frasier: Ooh, did you hear that, Niles?
Martin: [to Eddie] We'll bring you a bone, Eddie!
Martin: [to Frasier and Niles] He's ecstatic.
Scene One: The Timber Mill.
A lively American restaurant with a homely, informal atmosphere.
attitude with which they regard the place.
Martin: Quite a place, huh?  Used to be a real working saw-mill!
"Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!"
nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
The hostess greets them from behind the cash register.
Hostess: Hi!  Welcome to The Timber Mill.
Hostess: Sure, right this way.
She leads them to a free table.
Hostess: Is this your first visit to The Timber Mill?
Hostess: Well, we've got a dress code.
Hostess: Er, not him.  You.
tie below the knot; another waitress does the same to Niles.
Frasier: [distraught] My tie!  She, she cut off my tie!
Martin: Gotcha!  Ain't that great?
Frasier: Well, why did she cut off my tie?!
Niles: Dad, you could have mentioned that to us.
Niles: A Hugo Boss tie.
beforehand.  A lively waitress arrives with bread slices and butter.
Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: [weary] Oh dear God, yes.
Martin: I'll have a Ballantine.
The waitress leaves.  Martin tucks into the bread and butter.
dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "pass the salt,"
Frasier and Niles laugh at this.
Martin: Bet she didn't like that.
buddy's retirement party last night?
old precinct?  Killed in a boating accident.
he had three bypasses before he went.
of butter onto his bit of bread.
with his choice of topic.  The waitress arrives with their drinks.
our famous garlic cheese bread.
it are heaped various multicoloured, brick-thick slabs of raw flesh.
Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Frasier and Niles, revolted, stare at it.
Martin: [annoyed] Would you just pick your steak?
true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between.
Waitress: ...Okay! [to Frasier] How about you?
The waitress leaves and the beef trolley is wheeled away.
Martin: [excited] Hey, come on!  There's a lull at the salad bar!
his hand.  Fade to black.
Scene Two: The Timber Mill, later.
Frasier: I know, dad, I saw the plaque by the cash register.
with toppings, and other assorted bits.
Waitress: Here we go: three boiled onions, medium-rare!
Frasier: Wha-?  We've barely touched our salads!
experience in less than twenty minutes.
Waitress: Alright.  Let me know if I can get you anything else.
Frasier: [to her back, sarcastic] Yes, thank you.
but you could be a little nicer to the waitress.
dessert.  Which should be any time now.
Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: I wish this was one of those times.
Martin: Those are bacon bits!
Niles: But I didn't ask for them.
Martin: I ordered all the 'fixins.  You got all the 'fixins.
Niles: But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.
Martin: No problem.  They're artificial.  They're made out of soy.
dinner.  Can't you guys do the same?
Niles: [also smiling] Matter of fact, she is.
Frasier: Where are they holding it?
tell them about this place!
Frasier and Niles laugh.  Martin is looking fed-up.
Niles: I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night!
Frasier: You wouldn't be the only one!
the way you two have behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed.
He turns his back to them and goes to leave.
Frasier gets up and follows Martin.
Martin: No, I'm going over to Duke's for a night-cap.
Frasier: Well, at least let us take you there!
Niles: ...the Mud Pie's coming!
Frasier: [mocking] "The Mud Pie's coming!"  I feel terrible.
They sit down again, minus Martin.
Frasier: You know, the sad thing is, he's right about us.
Niles: Have we really become such snobs?
the street to drink, do you?
a withering stare and whisks the plate away without a word.
Frasier: Niles, we... we've gotta apologize to dad.
and then when he gets home, we'll, we'll settle this thing.
appreciate the simple things?  Steak, potatoes... �fixins?
sit here until we have cleaned our plates.
Frasier: Well, I'm game if you are!
They tuck in, with enthusiasm - at least initially.
Frasier: Going to prove that we are not snobs.
Niles, however, cannot bring himself to eat his baked potato.
He hatches a plan to dispose of it.
Niles: [gazing over Frasier's shoulder] Look who's here.
sheepishly returns the potato to his plate.
Frasier: [gesturing at Niles] Eat your meal!
struggle to finish their food.