There are many books written on mourning and grief, on how to cope with loss, or how to adapt to the loneliness of loss. But, where are the resources for those who had a conflicted relationship, where is the book on managing unsaid or unspoken feelings or emotions, where is the book to help guide through a eulogy or funeral where you wish to speak up, but do not know how due unspoken ambivalence?
Each experience of loss and grief is unique and personal, however as explained earlier, ambivalence in loss and grief is fairly common. Below are some reasons which could lead to ambivalence in the grieving process. This list is no means exhaustive and is given as an example only.
This is a common component of ambivalent loss, yet can be very difficult to manage. Grieving can be interrupted when there are unresolved difficulties or feelings towards the person who has died. Ambivalence occurs due to the confliction of feelings, because on the one hand you may experience a sense of relief, and at the same time feel hurt that the things you wanted to say, even if these were negative, were not ever fully vocalised.
Remember ambivalence is a natural part of the grieving process.
Remember ambivalent feelings or thoughts you might be embarrassed or ashamed about, do not take away from the positive qualities you remember about the person.
Allow space in your mind for the conflicting thoughts, and know that this is ok.
Talk openly about your thoughts with someone who you know is able to listen.
Remember that thoughts are only thoughts, they do not always equate to truth, and you are not a bad person for simply having them.
Grief and loss are universal, inevitable and unavoidable elements of life. But when loss is left unexplored, left unspoken or thought about, difficult feelings can surface, leading to ambivalence and difficulty in facilitating the grieving process. Psychotherapy can assist in the process of unravelling grief, provide a space where all aspects of loss are open for debate, and reflection. Psychotherapy offers an opportunity to look in depth at the conflicted feelings you may have surrounding the death and can enable you to explore these, with the view to understanding in more detail how you feel.
As previously stated, a degree of ambivalence is to be expected and is a normal element of the grieving process. Nonetheless, it can be incredibly difficult and painful to grieve when you experience conflicting emotions for the person who has died.