This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent an exclusive material for DRB.
1. runner-up in the local honey manufacturer’s product mascot competition.
2. the current record holder for not only the longest, but also the most externally-located small intestine in North America.
3. going to ask Santa for the Abdominizer this Christmas.
4. wearing Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators.
The battle between guy and bird has long been a lopsided one, due largely to a vast difference in brain size. But that hasn’t stopped guys from trying. John created his clever Hunting Decoy over a century ago, presumably hoping to take advantage of that old bird axiom: "Hey, we may not live forever, but at least we won’t get shot by a cow."
The principle is simple – two guys, disguised in a cow suit, amble out into an open field, conducting themselves in a cow-like manner (the guy in back may find ambling a bit difficult due to the placement of the udder). When the moment is right, the courageous sportsmen burst from various secret cow openings and blast away to their hearts' content. As an aside, should the hunter in front wish to play a tremendously humorous prank on the hunter in the rear, he can amble seductively into the holding pen of Farmer Johnson’s prize Brahma bull.
An invention needn't be complicated to be practical and here's a great idea for the guy who forgot to bring his hat to the game, yet still wants to enjoy the look and feel of nacho cheese in his hair.
Let's hear about this incredible innovation in Andrew and Harry’s own words: "It is an object of this invention to provide a food or beverage tray which upon completion of the transportation function as a food or beverage tray for transporting food and or beverages..." - never mind... their own words are causing us to lose consciousness.
Incredibly, Ellis came up with this beauty 14 years AFTER the Wright Brothers made their famous Kitty Hawk flight - and, unfortunately, one year prior to the invention of Gustav’s Safety Suit for Aviators (see above). Ellis’s Flying Apparatus is worn over the shoulders and includes a motorized propeller and working control surfaces but, to the best of our knowledge, no beverage service. We don't know if Ellis ever actually got his apparatus off the ground, but our research does indicate a dramatic improvement in his 100-yard dash times.