Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called “FBI” (Federal Bureau Of Liars is more like it!), it’s hard enough keeping afloat without an entirely different group of people turning their backs.
That’s why the Church Of False-Vestigially is jumping aboard a hot new trend sure to blow all the heartthrob Henry Cavills and Penn Jillettes out of the water: Adult summer camps! Just check out the many programs we have to offer—and all within the same five mile radius of my protected Arizona compound.
Young people today are so glued to their computer chat rooms and Turok video games that it’s no wonder childhood obesity is an epidemic (not to mention all those fat-inducing chemicals vaccine doctors don’t want you to know about). At Camp Fitness & Bunker Supply Stacking, guests will put down those 3DO controllers and work their abs in a practical way: by carrying and stacking pallets of dried goods, sandbags, and “mystery” crates. The grave-like underground environment is ideal for vigorous exercise, while our specially-trained “motivational” counselors keep spirits so high you’ll find it almost impossible to stop.
In yet another case of “kids these days,” millennials are far less likely to make phone calls than previous generations. And while I’m all for technology avoidance, I can’t help but feel as though critical interpersonal skills have fallen by the wayside.
To help reverse this trend, the church has put together a state-of-the-art phone bank designed to teach campers the magic of communication etiquette, as well as cold-call sales and recruitment tactics. Think of it as a boot camp for your mind, tongue, and quota-meeting abilities!
Tats? Give me a break! While Gen X is happy to ink their skin with Verve Pipe and Jamiroquai logos, younger generations are much more into branding. This is why we focused our arts and crafts camp around the act of metalworking and skin searing. Listen to your favorite throat chants or manifesto readings while relaxing in our totally sterile Octagon Of Irreversible Flesh Vows where you will learn the ways of administering (and receiving) the latest in body modification.
Looking for a more practical skill to guarantee your future job security? Come join our ever-growing eyelid speculum repair workshop! We receive hundreds of damaged or snapped eyelid speculums every single day from the many private worship camps we’ve established in the serene and dense forests of North America. After completing a six-month training course, you can qualify to become a licensed speculum-repair person for this ever-growing industry. We can’t stress enough how crucial this job is going to be for us in the next few years—so get in on the ground floor now!
Any mom and pop summer camp can offer massage sessions or spa treatments, but only my inescapable Arizona compound offers you the cutting edge of relaxation therapy. I call it Balmy Oxygen Therapy, or “The B-OX.” Not quite feeling yourself? A day in The B-OX will fix that! Feeling discontent/have a sudden urge to quit your devotion to my all-giving, all-healing Church? A day in The B-OX will make you see the light! The beauty of The B-OX is that, even if you think you don’t need it, it’s always available to you/will likely be forced upon you during your stay.
Is the meme here that it’s actually a cult and not a camp?