I’m writing this from the comfort of my friend’s sofa during one of our babysitting shares. There’s something strangely luxurious about sitting in someone else’s living room, their baby sleeping, enjoying their food (a huge bowl of pasta and pesto, naturally) and just having that rare moment to really reflect without distraction or guilt. It’s what I need to digest the last 24 hours which have been a total emotional rollercoaster.
I’m full of excitement and love and yet I am burdened with sadness and despair. For today we woke up to the news of the atrocities that took place in Paris (we caught it as it was unfolding last night but the true horrors only revealed themself this morning) and it’s just changed everything. This time the evil struck bigger, closer and more randomly than ever before in a horrifically planned attack. Paris is a city I once called home – I used to live just around the corner from the restaurant that was targeted, I have partied at the Bataclan, I have drunk in the streets and picnicked by the canal. Paris is weeping. And so am I.
But I need to be strong – not to stand up to terrorists and beat them, because we cant beat them, and we definitely cant beat them through more vioience. No, I need to be strong because today Sam and I had confirmation that we are bringing a new human being into this world. We watched as it lay in my womb – all 5cm of it – and squirmed a little when the radiologist prodded it. Jack watched on – this wasn’t Peppa Pig on the screen, but it was certainly something interesting. The relief I felt at seeing that image is indescribable and of course, I welled up as I threw glances between Sam, Jack and the screen whilst the obstetrician just kept asking me if I was ok? (Is it that weird to cry at the sight of your baby inside of you!?) My tears were also for Paris, and also for the refugees and their children and the circumstances they find themselves in and the crisis we and they are all going through. So yes, I feel like I’ve been crying a lot over the past 3 months and so this morning has been extra emotional.
One can’t help but think, what sort of world are we in anyway? When I look at Jack he is so pure and so beautiful, what can I tell him? What will I tell him? Is this now our reality? Why are we bringing more people in to this life, some might say. Is this what I feel? No. I refuse to believe that. I want to bring good people into this world, to educate and entertain them, and in turn have them spread love and laughter. That is the plan, and that is why this morning’s news fills me with happiness and pride.
So this post is dedicated to life – to celebrating it, mourning it and to living it.
Thanks for reading. Oh, and I made this 5 minute video about how I’ve been feeling the last three months and how I knew I was pregnant long before sticking any plastic white stick in my wee.