Edie Falco has overcome an alcohol addiction and breast cancer. She's seen her career skyrocket, most recently with Nurse Jackie. Now 46 and a single mom, Edie's facing all new challenges. Here, she shares the wisdom that guides her.
Trust your instincts. I decided to adopt my son on my own five years ago, and my daughter three years later. I had never really been that interested in having kids, but I had a bunch of relationships in a row where we had talked about it, and it was like the seed had been planted — figuratively at least. The relationships didn't last, but the kid thing never really went away. And so, at a certain point — I think it had to do with recovering from cancer — I was like, Now is the time. I come from an nontraditional family, so it wasn't like I needed to be in a relationship first. It was about going where my heart was leading me next, and that was to children. I've never been more sure that I absolutely knew what I was doing.
When you need time to yourself, take it. Now that I've had five years of practice as a parent, I've learned that if kids see you feel guilty, they will home in on you and attack. But through trial and error, I've learned that the only way for me to be the person I want to be with my kids is to have some time by myself. I love to read, and I love to sew. My grandmother was a seamstress, and I think I inherited it from her. So sometimes when the nanny is there, I'll say to my kids, "Mommy is going upstairs because she needs a little time to herself, but she'll be back." And if I don't let myself feel bad, if I really mean it when I say, "It's time for me to read or do work," I now get, "Okay, Mommy, love you!"
I've also learned to no longer feel guilty if I'm invited out and don't want to go. If I start to say to myself, "What's wrong with you that you're staying in five nights in a row to watch Forensic Files instead of going out with your friends?" I remind myself that it's what I need to do for myself at that point.
Naps are key. Alcoholics Anonymous has a strategy to help you check yourself before you act, called HALT. The letters stand for asking yourself if you are "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired." The first thing I do when I'm feeling like acting out — say, calling someone and having an inappropriate conversation — is to ask myself, "What's really going on here?" And I'll realize that I need some sleep.
I love being able to take a nap in the afternoon. It's always a little embarrassing at my son's school because he'll ask, "Are you going to be picking me up?" and I'll say, "No, I'm working," and he'll say, "Oh, are you napping?" I have to say, "No, I'm actually working." But Mommy does nap when she's not working!
There's a little good and bad in everyone. Everybody I've ever loved is very complicated. I don't have examples in my life of people who are all good or bad; I have deeply loved many people who are both, and I relate to those kinds of people on a far greater level. We're all conflicted to a certain degree; you can be a good person with bad impulses or behavior — it's part of being human. And that's just a lot more fun, a lot more fun to be. I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun playing Nurse Jackie. She is so many things that I wish I was and so many things I'm glad I'm not. She doesn't waste time putting her thoughts through a bunch of filters like I do. It feels great to play her for a while, and I'm also so happy to walk back into my life at the end of the day and out of the insanity that's in her head. Carmela Soprano was fun for different reasons: She was so taken care of within her community that I think she felt protected to say and do whatever she wanted.
You figure things out as you go. It gets complicated sometimes as a single mother. My son will ask, "How come I don't have a daddy?" and my first impulse is to say, "I messed up." But two seconds later, I rethink that. And I say, "You have two godfathers, and a sister, and two grandparents. Everyone's family is different." I think about what it would be like if I were him asking the question. What would I feel good hearing that is also the truth? And so we find our way. Between raising my kids and my work, I have so much filling up my life that I think being single is where I am right now. I'm making a lot of it up as I go along. But everything always seems to work out miraculously, so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Appreciate the big and little moments. When my son was tiny, we'd look out the window and I'd say, "Let's wave to Mr. Tree!" and this morning, he said, "Mr. Tree got so big!" It freaked me out, because I haven't said that to him in about four years. Every day there are a few of those astounding things from the kids, and I'm so glad I'm grown up enough to appreciate it.
Hard times can be good times. I wouldn't change five seconds of my life. All right, I'd change five seconds. And I wouldn't want to go through some of it again, but between AA and therapy I've talked and cried and done all the things that are necessary to get to the other side. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was sober, and I had good friends around me, so I was able to go through it with very open eyes and clearheaded. Every single piece of what I've gone through was necessary, if for nothing more than making me so deeply in love with my life right now. Now there's not a split second of the day that I don't know how lucky I am. I never have to say to myself, "Remember to be grateful." It's lodged in there.
Worrying gets you nowhere. If I could teach my kids one thing, I'd like them to know, deep inside, "You are safe. You're safe with me, you're safe alone." If you carry a feeling of safety inside, I think your whole life changes. And I want them to know that everything will pass and that in the moments in between, they should see if they can find the fun. As a kid, I worried all the time — it was just part of my hard-wiring. I don't think anyone around me knew it, but I felt like no one ever told me I didn't have to worry, that nothing was wrong. So I wish I could go back and say to my younger self, "Stop worrying. It all works out. It all works out just beautifully."