If there’s one thing I hate about myself it’s that I am constantly apologising when I have no reason to be. There are many things I feel quilty about, not posting on this blog for over six months is one of them. I have drafted this post about seventeen times, and each time the first thing I’d do is apologise. But for what? For wanting to focus on my studies? For spending time with my family? For wanting to lessen my stress?
It has become evident to me that I am constantly apologising for who I am, simply because I am not yet who I want to be. I’ve apologised countless times for not finding the time to blog, I felt incompetent because I wasn’t at a point in my life where I could blog as often or as much as I wanted. But that doesn’t mean I never will be, or that my efforts are for nothing, and I’m ashamed to admit that these feelings of incompetence often prevent me from feeling like I am good enough as I am. That my hard work is enough. If I’m being perfectly honest, I could have started blogging weeks ago, but my insecurities kept me from being able to write anything at all. That is, until I realised that I don’t owe anybody anything. I started blogging for myself, purely for fun. And that’s what I’ll continue to do.
I won’t apologise for being where I am, or for being who I am. At this point in my life, I’m am stuck between who I am and who I want to be, and a part of becoming that person is being able to live unapologetically. Living unapologetically means being able to accept ourselves right where we’re at, even the parts of ourselves we so viciously dislike. It means being enough to allow change in our lives, not for others, but purely for ourselves and our own growth. Living unapologetically looks like loving ourselves unconditionally and positively reinforcing what we’re proud of in ourselves as opposed to criticising what we did or didn’t do, or what we could’ve done better.
So that’s what I’m doing. What did or didn’t happen in the past is no longer relevant, because I am back and better than ever.
P.S. I am aware that this post is hecka sappy but it’s what I feel and I’m not going to apologise for expressing it.