No matter how much time goes by, I’ll always be a little sad my daddyÂ isn’t here for Father’s Day.
He died in 1995 — a super grandfather, a good dad and husband.
I have delightful memories, some regrets, and times of just plain missing him.
But in the end, I walk away feeling good. BecauseÂ what I once thought I wanted in a father wasn’t what I got. And I’m so glad.
I’m glad my dad wasn’t what I wanted him to be.
Don’t get me wrong. He was an excellent man with good character and integrity. He treated us well.
But somewhere along the way, I got the idea that my dad ought to be 1) outgoing; 2) talk to us on a regular basis like a TV dad; 3) be happy all the time. But that wasn’t my dad. He was quiet, shy, and he didn’t show his emotions. I wanted an extrovert, but he was an introvert.
Which brings me back to I‘m glad my dad wasn’t what I wanted him to be.
I learned early that people are who they are. You can’t change a person’s DNA. My dad didn’t have the capacity to meet my unrealistic expectations. I was frustrated. Then reality set in:Â my dad wasn’t going to change, so I had to change my thinking.
To have a relationship with Daddy, I had to get rid of my expectations and get real.
In the end, that was the biggest gift Daddy gave me. He unknowingly taught me that expectations are dangerous. When we expect something, we almost always get nothing in return. Our expectations often are unfounded and unrealistic.
Looking back on our relationship years later, I’m so glad we stumbled through and made a way for daddy love to show itself in a non-stereotypical, non-TV, non-Leave-It-To-Beaver way.
I’m not one to force advice on anyone, but today I wanted to share what I’ve learned from putting aside unrealistic expectations and embracing your dad.
Be generous towards your dadÂ (or your husband in the daddy role). Open your eyes and look at him realistically, with grace. So what if he’s not perfect? You aren’t either. Look for the good.
Do things on his terms.Â In order to be in relationship, we have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes. As our parents age, we need to do more things on their terms. If I’d waited for Daddy to do things my way, I’d still be waiting, twenty-one years after his death. Your ground isn’t holy–don’t plant your feet there.
Stereotypical dads are boring — but your dad is unique. How is your dad special? My dad took me to the bookstore on a regular basis, and we’d stand and peruse magazines and books for hours. I don’t know a lot of dads that did that with their daughters. Think of the things that make your dad special and dwell on those things.
Instead of wishing for another kind of dad, enjoy the dad you have.Â He’s not a TV dad, but he’s real and he’s yours. Stop griping about his deficits and just enjoy him. He’s your daddy.
Get to know your dad–such great advice! I also love the way you encourage us to take our dad just as they are. Thanks so much for linking up, Teresa!
Thanks so much, Kelly! I always love your Friday linkups! Such a great place to get encouragement! Thanks for hosting so graciously!
This is great! My dad is definitely not a TV dad either, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve loved our relationship. We’ve learned to respect each other’s differences and enjoy our time together.
That’s so great! I’m so glad you enjoy each other with ease — that’s one of the blessings of maturity, I think. Enjoy Father’s Day with him! Thanks for stopping by!
Oh Teresa! I love this! Obviously I knew your dad when I was very young, but I have wonderful memories of him.
Thanks so much, Sharon! He was great — just so, so quiet. And that made me wonder if he loved me…which of course he did. But when it’s not expressed, we wonder. And we always want what we don’t have. I’m so glad I got to know and appreciate him for who he was. I’m so glad you have good memories. I have great memories of your dad, too. We had some great times when we were little, didn’t we?