Retail used to be a boring industry filled by low-wage workers, cheap products, and huge advertising budgets. Now, thanks to the recent advent of the World Wide Web, which people can access from their personal home computer machines, the world of retail is an exciting on-line industry filled by cost-effective robots, cheaper products, and extremely low advertising budgets. This means, of course, that retailers have to think of innovative ways to reach their customers. One way they do this is by working with prominent social media companies like myself.
Therefore, I am happy to announce a partnership with one of the world’s leading New York-based online glasses retailers, Warby Parker. While this may look like a normal article, Warby Parker is not paying for it and did not ask me to write it. Therefore, this “native ad” is pretty lame. In fact, I think I’ll just share the letter I wrote to them recently. Those of you who are interested in business and efreakonomics may find it an enlightening glimpse into how modern-day advertising doesn’t work. Note: the letter has been lightly edited for length and blackmail.
I recently purchased a pair of “Gilbert” tortoise-shell glasses from your online store. I cannot express how fully satisfied I am with their style, quality, and comfort. I could express this if I had a little more money. I am so pleased! that I propose writing flattering articles about your company in return for a substantial fee.
First, let me describe the sheer joy of wearing these glasses, but in modest terms that I will change once your payment has cleared. They sit lightly yet snugly on the bridge of my nose, and unlike glasses I’ve sometimes purchased from the hellholes known as optometrists’ offices, they remain comfortable and erotically satisfying all day long. They are sturdy yet lightweight; hardy yet not dense; expensive-looking but actually pretty cheap (I promise to hire someone to write some of my advertising copy).
Furthermore, I’ve never owned a pair of such stylish glasses—retro yet futuristic yet modernishy (I’ve never gotten paid for anything I’ve written before, but I have friends who majored in English). I’ve received so many compliments on how hip and flattering they are that I can no longer keep quiet about your several product categories such as glasses and sunglasses (how many product categories do you have?) and your popular items like the “Molo” and the “Beaches” (what are some of your product names?). I’m telling everyone I know to check out your website by going to my own website and clicking a link to your website, which I can do for a large additional fee.
What really won me over, however, was the ease and simplicity of buying through your online store. Being able to upload a picture of me that shows a picture of the glasses on my face—interesting! (optional text:) genius! I was then so interested (optional text:) delighted to receive them for a free at-home try-on! It made selecting the “Gilbert” incredibly interesting (optional text:) easy. Your customer service was also interesting (optional: impeccable)—you were so helpful when I had to return the first pair for a faulty prescription! I promise to remove that last bit.
So thank you again for the glasses and the opportunity to advertise through my personal website that you should never refer to as a “blog.”. When my eyes degenerate further and it’s time for a new prescription, I’ll be sure to return to your webstore and hike the zoom to 150%, because your font is too small and not everyone is 25 with great eyesight anymore.