: I just feel so selfish for several reasons.
: First of all, I find myself grieving so deeply for my son who was 8 when he was killed by a school bus in August 2004. The selfish part comes because my dad died 2 days after my son was killed yet I find myself crying (frequently, daily) for my son and periodically for my dad. I understand that my dad had a long life and Quentin was so young. I understand that the death of a child is unexpected while the death of a parent is to be expected. However, my dad had such a rough life... especially over the past 20+ years. So, why does my son come into my thoughts so much more frequently. I love my Poppy and I miss him and yet I grieve so much more for my son. why? I feel so guilty and selfish.
: The other reason I feel selfish is the fact that I grieve for them at all. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are in a great place and doing so much better than they were here. However, I resently realized that I cry for MY needs. Because I miss them in MY life. Why can't I be happy that they are with God and pain free instead of crying at the sight of a picture, or the thought of a fun time. I cry because they are not physically here for me to hug and share the daily activities. This makes me a very selfish person.
: Will I ever be forgiven? I can't seem to act any other way.
: Sorry, just venting... and crying... and feeling sorry for myself. In other words... selfish!
I can relate to what you are saying. I lost my firstborn and only daughter before she was born. I cried for 8 years. During this 8 year period I had two beautiful boys after her and yet I could only cry for her. What I discovered is that I was FOCUSED on her loss and not much else. When a friend told me this I was able to slowly shift my focus and really start to live again. It's not to say I don't miss my daughter or wonder what she'd be like (this happened 33 years ago today).
Since that time I realized I was selfish in a way for hanging on to her. By me hanging on to her she was unable to move on and learn what she needed to in the land of Spirit. By releasing her she was able to make herself known to me and was able to teach me.