and i steeled myself to say them as i stared up at that starriest night , convinced myself that she felt it , too , that her hand so alive and vivid against my leg was more than playful , and f**k lara and f**k jake because i do , alaska young , i do love you and what else matters but that and my lips parted to speak and before i could even begin to breathe out the words , she said , `` it 's not life or death , the labyrinth . ''