in an effort to relieve myself of the torment such a problematic , foolish but very real emotion had provoked , i told myself that were she using me as a vicarious and chaste lover , or even as a pander , she was being compelled by an impulse stronger than giving in to a bit of coque-try could account for , something deeper , a longing , a desire , a need she couldnt control , perhaps without being aware it was governing her behavior .