even after i was on psylocybin , it was months before i was able to contact my family , partly out of the shame i knew id experience after facing them again baseless shame , because it wasnt my fault , but shame just the same but mostly because i wondered even after that amount of time if i really had changed , or if perhaps id see them and just treat them with suspicion and coldness like i always had , when theyd never done anything to deserve it .