of course i had loved remy , loved him like a brother , like the best friend and consummate protector he had been but i loved rule like it was my mission in life , like it was inevitable and no matter how many times i was shown what an awful idea it was , what a bad match we were , what a callous a**hole he could be , i could n't shake it so each and every time i had to have the fact that he did n't even think of me as more than a car pool driver shoved in my face it tore a little bit more of my battered heart apart .