how could she when she 'd realized she was no better than her mother at controlling her impulses ? if toby 's watch alarm had n't gone off , she would very likely have ended up in his bed , and that would have carried her one-hundred-eighty-degrees away from her goal of finding a gentle lover who would cherish her forever , one who would n't undercut her self-esteem with low blows and cutting insults or thoughtlessly risk his life .