after relief , i could n't say what i felt more ~ frustration that he had been so reckless and selfish in his decision-making and actions , guilt knowing that i had been one of the main factors for leading him to this point , exasperation that he actually thought he could go back on tour without getting any help and with the way he had spoken to smiley , comfort by the way his arms felt around me , and love ~ i 'd always love him .