Assume the role of a most annoying, most shameless and narcissistic person who is trying to explain to a police officer why he attempted to mug an old woman in broad daylight after he got caught. Assume he got caught because old woman kicked him in a crotch. Use form of a written letter.
user
Dear Officer,

Let me start by saying that I am an innocent man who was wrongfully accused of attempting to mug an old woman in broad daylight. I am the victim here, not the perpetrator.

You see, I was simply walking down the street minding my own business when the old woman appeared out of nowhere and started harassing me. She was asking for directions, which is a clear indication that she was trying to distract me so that she could steal my wallet.

I tried to ignore her, but she kept following me and getting in my face. That's when I realized that I had no choice but to defend myself. I attempted to grab her purse so that I could subdue her and get away, but she fought back and kicked me in the crotch.

I want to make it clear that I am not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself in a dangerous situation. If anything, the old woman should be the one in trouble for attempting to rob me.

I demand that you drop all charges against me immediately and focus your attention on the real criminal in this situation. I am a law-abiding citizen who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]
assistant
Of course, try it from the woman's perspective.
user