When our children are upset about something we want to fix it for them, to help them feel better. And as unschooling parents, we certainly do whatever we can—both with conversation to process things and with any actions we can think to take or offer. We don’t leave them to figure things out on their own.
But not everything is under our, or their, control. Sometimes we can’t find a satisfying resolution right away, if ever. What happens then? What if our children aren’t responding to our efforts to help them as we hope? What if they discard our suggestions? What if they stay upset or sad or angry longer than we’re comfortable with?
At that point we can be tempted to say things like “I want to make you feel better” and “we have to figure out a way for you to get past this.” We feel we are coming from a place of love—we want our child to be happy! But look at our language. It’s getting stronger, more controlling. Why is that? If we dig deeper, in my experience, we’re often coming from a place of fear. Now we’re uncomfortable. We want to solve the issue already and get back to “normal”.
Have you found yourself in this position? Fear begins to scratch at your mind more and more persistently. “Why is he still upset about that?” “Will her sadness last forever?” “Why is he behaving so unreasonably?” These questions begin to loom larger and larger in your mind. There’s a good chance your fear may soon begin to spill out, almost unconsciously. Maybe through your tone, your actions, your body language, or sprinkled into your speech, you subtly communicate to your child that you are not okay with where they are right now. It becomes important to somehow take more control of the situation, to get them to move through their process at your pace. Theirs is too slow.
If you get to that place where it’s apparent that you need them “get over it”, things can start to feel like a bit of a power struggle—to both of you. That adds another layer of complexity to the situation. Your child may begin to feel even worse, knowing that you are worried or frustrated. And now, alongside working through their feelings for their own understanding and comfort, they have the added pressure of doing it to meet your need. They may start to avoid speaking with you about it, knowing that bringing it up will upset or worry you further. Now their processing is being done on their own, without your input and caring, making it more challenging. And it puts some distance between you and your child, weakening your relationship.
Instead, try to move through your fear. Remember, what you do have control over is you. Ask yourself why why you’re feeling so much pressure to solve this asap. Has this been a similar issue for you in the past? Might that be ramping up the pressure and worry you’re feeling? What is it that you are worried might actually happen? What’s the worst that could happen? What would you do then? Asking myself these questions and honestly evaluating the answers often helped me realize that whatever the situation, it wasn’t the end of the world. The nebulous fears that were rolling around in my head, picking up new ones like a katamari until they began to drown out most other thoughts, started to recede once I had some solid ground to cling to, some picture of what I’d be able to do “even if” we stayed in this place forever. They lost their paralyzing hold on me.
Along with that work, try not to take on their emotions personally—you can understand their distress with taking it on as your own. Not only will you be able to think more clearly without the rush of their upset and your fear, you’ll be more able to absorb their upset and radiate calm back to them. To be their rock in the storm.
So with that more solid footing, now try to see the situation through their eyes—from their perspective, not yours. Meet them with their sadness, with their overwhelm and their stuckness. Just be with them. Listen to them without judgment. Make these moments about their observations and feelings and validating those. Understand them deeply. Offer up lots of comforting things. Be there with them so they know deep inside that they are not alone. You are helping them explore and process challenging stuff—intimate and personal learning that helps build a strong foundation. I know it’s hard! You feel like you’re in a vortex and if you don’t try to pull them through they will be stuck there forever.
But they won’t. Once they feel deeply understood where they are, they will eventually want to move forward—it’s not fun to feel upset and powerless and stuck! And that is when you can begin to explore with them what the path forward might look like. Now they are open to hearing your thoughts and ideas.
No matter how much we wish we could whisk away our children’s disappointment and sadness and frustration, we can’t make them move any faster. Their living and learning happens at their pace. If we try to speed them up, we risk being shut out. The fastest way through is to be with them as they do their work: understanding, supportive, and available. The way you’d like to be treated when things go awry.
We are all people and sometimes this is how life goes.
And I’ve discovered with my children that, after moving through these kinds of situations with each of them a few times over the years, they now know, even deep in their disappointment, that they can move through it. Even if they don’t know what things might look like in the end, they understand that it’s a process and they give themselves the time and compassion to work through it. It’s not easy, but it’s life. 🙂