Moira that he plans to visit her mother in England while he is there for a business trip. Moira panics and says he can't, because her mother will be in New York in a week. They now have to convince the extremely anxious Winslow to pose as a woman, since his extremely distinctive vocal impression of the Duchess cannot be imitated. To their surprise, Winslow turns out to be an entirely convincing Duchess, and Freddy is captivated. Characters Gilbert Selwyn, an over-sexed gay New Yorker and best friend of Philip Cavanaugh. Gilbert is perpetually poor, but constantly scheming to make a quick buck. Gilbert longs to be a writer, but sloth causes him to never put pen to paper. Philip Cavanaugh, the narrator of the story, is Gilbert's long-suffering best friend and fellow New Yorker. Once Gilbert's teenage boyfriend (until an unfortunate case of crabs, caught from one of Gilbert's many sugar daddies, broke them up), Philip is a struggling writer with only minimal talent. Reluctant to be part of Gilbert's schemes, he usually gives in because he longs for money, fame and "the good life." Claire Simmons, Philip's other (heterosexual) best friend. Claire is a struggling writer with a modicum of talent, a zaftig figure, and a deep loathing for Gilbert Selwyn. Claire is the most level-headed of Philip's friends, and usually gets him out of Gilbert-caused jams. Claire and Philip are constantly collaborating on the Next Big Novel or Play. Moira Finch, a fellow New Yorker and mooch. Moira has dreams of glory but no class (she once invested her entire trust fund in designer pasta). Although Gilbert, Philip, and Claire hate Moira, they never quite seem able to avoid running into her and getting blackmailed into participating in her (often illegal) schemes. Vulpina, Moira's morose, painfully thin, Goth best friend and clothing designer. Gunther Von Steigle, an actor and Boris Karloff-lookalike with terrible acne. He is Gilbert's sworn enemy, after Gilbert slept with (and then kicked out) Gunther's one true love. Madeleine Cellini, Gilbert's oft-widowed mother and newly married to New York City mafioso Tony Cellini. Maddie (as everyone calls her) is a little batty, and doesn't quite realize what her new husband does or where his money comes from. Tony Cellini, Gilbert's new stepfather. He's suspicious of Gilbert's oddly all-male bachelor lifestyle, and devoted to Maddie. Freddy Bombelli, the seemingly ancient head of Tony Cellini's Mafia