Nick is a cynical teen who pines for Sheeni Saunders. He creates, throughout the story, two alter egos: François and Carlotta. Francois is the "bad side" and Carlotta is the relatively "feminine side". He considers himself a misunderstood intellectual. François Dillinger – Nick's French "bad-boy" persona. He is named from Sheeni's prediction that her French future husband will have that name. He is often referred to as a separate character, "conversing" with Nick. Carlotta Ulansky – Nick's feminine side, who got the last name from an elderly woman he met at his sister Joanie's apartment building. She passes as the old woman's daughter. Nick dresses in Fuzzy's late grandmother's clothes, and attends public school. This of course causes problems in the gym, so Carlotta claims to have a congenital bone dysfunction preventing her from engaging in strenuous activity. Sheridan "Sheeni" Saunders – A 14-year-old girl who is the object of Nick's desire. She is very scholarly and verbose, and is shown to be very liberal-minded. This puts her somewhat at odds with her parents. She often remains somewhat aloof to Nick, and it is implied that she still truly loves her original boyfriend, Trent. Estelle Twisp – Nick's neurotic mother, an employee of the DMV. She is a heavy smoker who becomes pregnant with Jerry's child midway through the first book, preventing Nick from relocating to Ukiah. This prompts him to "burn down half of Berkeley" in order to force her to send him away. George Twisp – Nick's alcoholic father, a failed writer who dates hot young women and neglects his child support duties. Joanie Twisp – Nick's crudely rebellious 18-year-old sister who lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend Dr. Philip Dimby (whom Nick deliberately misaddresses as "Dr. Dinghy"). Jerry – Estelle's trucker boyfriend who is at odds with Nick on many topics, and is the father of Noel Twisp. He dies halfway through the first book from a heart attack. Lance Wescott – A sadistic police officer who falls in love with Nick's mother. Nick and Lance quickly develop a hatred of each other, and it is just as well that Nick is sent to Ukiah, because Lance ends up marrying Estelle. Mr. Elwyn Saunders – Sheeni's strict lawyer father. He is quick to anger and is not fond of Nick, but approves Trent. Mrs. Saunders – Sheeni's religious mother, who also is not fond of Nick,