"Right now Shannon Watt looks like a man in a darkened room trying to discover where all the furniture is." "The way Jakovich is playing today, he's closer to teething than retiring." On Collingwood's burly full-forward of the 2000s: "When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps." The Dockers' defence is in disarray. "Everybody wants to be Gladys Knight; nobody wants to be the Pips." "Hardie decides to have a bounce. Look at him go. Amazing. Not bad for a guy who's built like a pirate's lunch table." On St Kilda's premiership drought: "The Saints have had more five-year plans than Fidel Castro." "West Coast are playing the Blues like B.B. King." Luke Hodge tackles an unaware player. Cometti: "He should've heard the Norm Smiths jangling!" "9.2 [referring to a scoreline of 9 goals, 2 behinds], that's not bad. Unless it's your cholesterol." On a coaching legend: "There is something magnetic about his aura. Paul Roos should be covered in fridge magnets." On the one-dimensional kicking skills of Essendon forward Scott Lucas: "I think it's safe to say Lucas takes his right leg out there purely for balance." On his former colleague Robert DiPierdomenico: "That's the latest from the huddles. For those of you who don't know, Dipper is a graduate of the Don Corleone school of elocution." On a former Adelaide and Geelong livewire's unpredictable moves: "I swear if Ronnie Burns were building a house, he'd start with the roof." "Some people might say that was a set play, but if it was, the Swans must have copied it off a Portuguese bus timetable." On Simon Black, again: "A lot of talk these days is about 'inside players'. Well, as we saw there, if Simon Black was any more inside he'd be a pancreas." On a skirmish between Bombers/Hawks great Paul Salmon and the shorter Saints star Nicky 'Elvis' Winmar: "Just as Winmar landed, big Salmon came crashing down on top of him. They're slowly getting up, and now I can report the building has left the Elvis." Reflecting on his early career calling cricket: "1974, Australia v England at the WACA. The good old days. Literally. England all-rounder Chris Old finished with 3 wickets and 50 runs." On a former Brisbane ruckman: "Matthew Clarke is a dinosaur thriving on climate change." "Bell bringing the ball out of the back line ... looking for wide runners ... passes