
YOU NEVER CALLED ME PRINCESS
THE KAITLYN CHRONICLES #1
by
ELAINE BABICH
Acclaim for the Novels of Elaine Babich:
"Heartbreaking and Touching. A powerful story of a teenager's struggle with anorexia, told in a straight forward and powerful way, without talking down to the reader and without being overly sentimental. You Never Called Me Princess is an honest look at what could happen when a young girl decides to lose weight at all costs. Should be mandatory reading for any parent who suspects their child might have an eating disorder. I believe the novel will show the reader that there are answers to their problems, and that they are not alone. Highly recommended. An important novel."
---J.R. Rain, author of Moon Dance and The Body Departed
"An intriguing debut, and an excellent read. Gripping and touching, a story written from the heart. Elaine Babich has fashioned a story that many young girls could relate to. In the end we are left with a poignant glimpse into the beauty of family and the love of life and the wonder that connects us all."
---Summer Lee, author of Angel Heart and Kindred Spirits
OTHER BOOKS BY ELAINE BABICH
You Never Called Me Princess
Relatively Normal
Falling Again
Jumping Down
You Never Called Me Princess
Published by Elaine Babich
Copyright © 2010 by Elaine Babich
All rights reserved.
Ebook Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to your favorite ebookstore and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
I dedicate this book to my immediate family, my husband, John, my daughters, Tiffany and Katy, and my son, Nick. I also dedicate this book to my extended family, for without them, this book could not have been written: my sisters, Valerie and Bekky, my brothers, Jon and Jason, and my mother and father.
Acknowledgments
I would also like to acknowledge three wonderful editors: Jon, Andrea, and Sandy---all of whom worked tirelessly helping me edit this book. Thank you!
You Never Called Me Princess
It has been fifteen days and thirteen hours since my best friend, Chelsea, moved to Arkansas.
We agreed to not write every day, but I can't help it, I am so lonely without her, I write her all the time. I wish her father could have retired in California instead of deciding to move to Arkansas. The real question I have to her mom is why did she have to be so old when she had Chelsea? I know Chelsea must be grateful and all for life, but jeez sixty-five-years old and her mom has a twelve-year-old? What is that all about?
I had a bad day. My dad, The Pain, was on my back all day about not going outside. Isn't a person allowed to go into a depression when her best friend, of eleven years, moves away? I remember the days when he was bugging me about going to Chelsea's house too much. Those were the days.
I got Chelsea's first letter. It sounds like she has been really busy moving in. I bet she likes all the room she has now compared to when she lived here and she and her sisters, and their kids, were all on top of each other. I can't wait to see the pictures she has taken. Maybe she can e-mail them to me, if they are on her digital camera. Speaking of pictures, I was looking at the wild make-up pictures Chelsea and I took right before she left and I just cracked up at the one of her with the tiger make-up on. She looked really cool (Ha Ha) with that orange make-up up her nose! My favorite is the one when where she and I are lying head-to-head on her bed and her sister, Anastasia, had to stand on her bed to take the aerial shot of us. We look happy there. I felt so sad on the day she left.
I know she is going to make new friends at her new school. She will be the surfer girl from California coming to the Hick Town to liven it up a bit, like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie did on that reality show. I still say if her parents would never have seen that show they would never have thought to move her whole family out there to live a better life, away from California. I think our life here is okay. Maybe we are a little boy-crazy and both of her sisters getting a divorce and moving back in with their kids probably didn't help, but still I think we are pretty good. We haven't started smoking any of those funny little cigarettes and the one time we tried smoking a real cigarette we both puked for an hour, so I don't think we will be doing that any time soon. Chelsea likes the taste of beer, which I think tastes like pee water, (no I never tasted it), but from what I understand in those small towns there isn't a lot to do other than drink. I hope it isn't true.
I hope she does make a lot of new friends, go to lots of football games and kiss her first boy this year. If it's true she didn't kiss Sam Reed, who says she French-kissed him at the movies last year. It probably isn't true though because he was so in love with her, that he would make up anything to get her attention.
I think one of the reasons I am so blue today is because my sister, Victoria, moved out yesterday. My dad and she just can't seem to get along. Now, I guess my mom and I won't have to hear them fighting anymore.
School starts in four days. Tomorrow I go down and get the clothes out that I put on layaway last month. I can't wait to wear the jeans with the white flowers down the side. I hope they still fit me. I have been eating like a pig since Chelsea left.
I am going to show self-control and not write Chelsea until school starts. That way I will have a lot to tell her.
Today was the first day of school. I wish my mother would let me wear sweaters to school like other girls do. I have had my eye on a light blue one from Old Navy. I asked my sister, Victoria, one time why mom doesn't let me wear sweaters, and she said that mom thinks that girls, who are greatly endowed, like me, shouldn't wear sweaters. So of course she had to explain that, so she said girls who have big boobs shouldn't wear tight sweaters. My sweater doesn't have to be tight; I just want to wear one so I will look cool. Victoria would know about the boob part because she used to have huge boobs. It broke her heart when she lost a lot of weight last year and she lost most of her chest. Now she is flat as a pancake. Right before I went to junior high last year I was so afraid I would lose my boobs too because I had been dieting. No boob shrinkage yet. Now that I think about it maybe it would be okay, then maybe Ted Lawson and Mark Pearst would leave me alone on the bus. They were all over me again today trying to pinch my butt so I would scream. They might not leave me alone though because they were pinching and poking Tonya Faults like crazy today and she is kind of flat.
When I went to Mervyns to pick up my clothes last week they were too small! I couldn't even button the top button on most of the pants. I was even lying on the floor of the dressing room and everything trying to zip them up. My mom was so mad at me. We had to put everything back and I had to get all new clothes. And these were not on sale! Boy did she scream at me in the car. She kept yelling that I had to get over Chelsea moving away, and what was I going to do, eat myself into being a fat pig with her gone? I swear that is what she said. She later apologized saying our money is tight right now and she overreacted, but it still hurt my feelings. My dad of course christened me "chubs" for the occasion. I was so hurt and mad. I wanted to go over to Chelsea's house so badly, but I knew that stupid Asian family would be there.
So anyway I am on a strict diet. Yesterday I didn't eat all day, and then I pigged out on Oreos. My mom said I am very inconsistent. But I was starving. She said it would have been smarter to eat smaller, healthier meals all day (like an apple). She also said I needed to exercise. Yeah that sounds like fun. I can really see me at a gym.
School was okay today. We are going to have a Sadie Hawkins dance in a couple of weeks. I know whom I would like to go with. But I can't ask him because he goes to high school and they won't let high school students go to our dances. I saw him yesterday, Aaron Miller. He was coming back from Whitaker School with a basketball. I guess he was doing free throws or something. Gosh I wish he had asked me to go with him. We could have played horse or pig or something. I guess I will probably end up asking Donny Wong. He is in my history class and he is nice and I know he will say yes since he liked me last year. Hopefully, he still does. The only problem I see going with Donny is he hasn't grown an inch, so that still makes him about a foot shorter than me. Tonya Faults said that shouldn't matter when we are dancing. Oh my goodness, dancing. I have never been to a dance before. I was too scared to go last year.
A new girl arrived in school today. She rides my bus. Her name is Rachael Boynton and she is pretty in an Irish sort of way. She has dark hair and white skin, sort of like Snow White. I could tell she wanted to be friends with me so I walked her home. She moved into the red house, around the block, that had the Spanish trim. I never liked that house. There is something about it that bugs me.
Her dad was outside waiting for her. He looked kind of mean. He was tall and boney and looked like an old sailor. She ran into the house without saying goodbye to me. He looked me up and down and then he went in, too. If she wanted to be friends, I would have to think about it. It would be hard to be friends with someone whose dad didn't seem to like me.
Tomorrow night Sara Day is having a slumber party. I will see if she will invite Tonya Faults or Rachael, the new girl, then maybe I will go. I don't want to go without someone I know because I kind of need a special friend there. It looks like Sara's mom is going out of town. Sara's sister, Sheila, will be in charge. Am I telling my mom this story? NO! Because even if Sheila is an adult, if she is anything like Brenda, my older sister, she would probably call in a stripper and tell him to go at it. Brenda is back with her husband Hugh. I am so mad. I have hated him ever since he left their wedding reception with his old girlfriend. I think he might be hitting her or something because she had a bruise on the right side of her cheek. I asked her about it and she said no she beat him up. Yeah right, little Brenda beats Hugh's huge butt? Ha ha now that is something I would like to see.
So I have to bring a blanket and pillow over to Sara's house to sleep on, since I don't own a sleeping bag. I guess we are going to sleep on her floor or something like that.
My dad came in earlier and told me that from now on I have to tell him wherever I go. Of course he called me my new nickname, "chubs." I wish he would just call me by my name: Kaitlyn. I looked at him like he was invisible. I am still mad at him. I don't understand my parents: one day they are yelling about me not going anywhere, then the next they are yelling about where I am going. I wish they would make up their minds.
What my dad is referring to is yesterday. I left before dinner and didn't come home until after they ate. It looked like puke anyway so I didn't miss anything. Calories saved, I thought. Anyway I went over Aaron Miller's house after I saw him come home from Whitaker School. His new girlfriend was at his house! I hate her already. Her name is Debbie. She has white streaks all through her hair. I thought it looked kind of cool until I found out she was Aaron's girlfriend, and then I thought she looked like a skunk. Anyway, I know Aaron likes me, but I bet Debbie is sleeping with him. And I could never do that (even if I have thought about it!).
Thank goodness for e-mail! Chelsea emailed me a whole bunch of pictures of her new house. Chelsea's new house looks huge. I love her room. Her whole family looks tired though. Chelsea was real upset because some kids were teasing her about her shoes, I guess they just don't understand Sketchers tennis shoes. They probably have their own styles that seem weird to her too. Who cares if Chelsea doesn't skateboard, she can still wear Sketchers, right? Everyone here does. Hmm... now that I think about it, what kind of shoes do they wear there? Maybe her mom can get her a pair, so she won't stand out. I will e-mail her right now and tell her that. I wish I were there with her; I would have kicked that blonde girl's butt who was teasing her. She is probably just jealous because she knows that being the new girl, Chelsea holds a lot of fascination for the guys. Hey, she should bank on it!
Sara's slumber party was so strange. In fact it was a strange night. I wished so bad Chelsea was there. I thought the night was going to be terrible because it was really weird going to a party without her. Sara said it was okay for Rachael to come with me (she hates Tonya Faults) so my parents picked Rachael up to take her with us. Talk about the Spanish Inquisition just to get her out the door. Her mother seemed nice, but I was right about her dad, he is a weirdo.
Sara's house was disgusting. I thought our house got dirty. Sara's was filthy. She has three dogs, and I hate other people's dogs, so I was really uncomfortable when I first got there. They had to lock them up in Sara's room and they howled like they lost their best friend. I would have been terrified if they were running loose. There was dog hair on everything. Gross. Even my plate had dog hair on it. Also her house smelled like incense. Brenda, my sister, used to smoke pot in her room then try to cover up the smell by burning incense. Since then I have never liked the smell. And Sara's sister, Sheila, was huge. All she and her friends did was sit around and eat donuts and talk about sex. They talked about some really gross things that made my ears burn. I think they were showing off for us, though. Rachael and I kept looking at each other and tried not to laugh.
I was seriously thinking of leaving when the doorbell rang, and a cute boy came in when Sara answered the door. He walked over to where Rachel and I were sitting and sat down. We were sitting there and I noticed he kept looking at me.
"Hi, who are you?" he asked me.
"Kaitlyn, who are you?" I asked him. Rachael laughed and kicked me.
"Tom Hogue."
I thought I'd remembered that name from somewhere. Then I remembered.
"Hey, you're Sara's old boyfriend, right?" I asked.
He looked at Sara, "Have you been talking about me?"
"Not too much," she said, looking embarrassed.
Sheila spoke up from her throne on the couch, "Tom do you want to spend the night? Sara is having a slumber party."
"Not tonight, but give me a rain check," he said. I could tell he was trying to be cool.
We all sat around and talked for a while, but with Tom there, things seemed a bit tense. Sheila and her friend, Wilma, were still trying to show off. They took out some cigarettes and started to smoke. I was uncomfortable. Tom sat closer to me.
"You don't smoke, do you?" he asked.
"No, it makes me sick. I think I might be allergic to it. The one time I smoked with my friend, we both threw up and then later I broke out in a rash."
"I would like to see that rash."
"It was just on my arms and neck," I said feeling my face grow hot.
"You are really cute, did you know that?"
I felt my face grow even hotter. I looked around to see if anyone heard him but no one was listening.
"What school do you go to?" I asked Tom.
"I go to McComber, the same as you. I've seen you there. I'm in the seventh grade. My mother held me back in Kindergarten. She didn't think I was mature enough for the first grade." He smiled at me. I smiled back at him. He then told me all about his mom who I guess is really strict and how his dad lets her do whatever she wants in the house. I told him my house is totally opposite. My dad rules our house.
Sheila and Wilma decided to go up to Sheila's room to smoke pot. I was disgusted. They asked if we wanted to go to. As if! Tom and I said no but Rachael said she would try it. It sort of bugged me. I could just see her going home stoned and sick and her dad thinking it was my fault.
"I don't know why they asked me," Tom said when they left. "They know I don't go for that sort of thing. It really turns me off."
I smiled at him again, suddenly really happy. Just then Tom leaned over and kissed me on the lips! I was so startled that I moved away from him.
"I have to go. I wasn't kidding about my mom," he said.
"Bye, Tom," I said, feeling light headed, this being my first kiss and all.
I walked him to the door and then locked it behind him when he left. I went upstairs to see what Rachael was doing. She looked kind of sick.
"Well, did you like it?" I asked her.
"No, it burned my throat."
Not to be mean, but I was kind of glad.
"Let's go to sleep," I told her and she agreed. We flopped down on our blankets and pillows. My last thought before I went to bed was, maybe I would ask Tom to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
We weren't really up that late, but when we got up I was so tired. Probably, all that pot smoke. When my mom came to pick us up she said we smelled like smoke. She kind of gave me a funny look so I hope she didn't know what kind of smoke she meant. I probably slept all day today. My dad told me earlier I better go clean my room. He said it looked like a pigsty. I have my new clothes all over my bed and I need to hang them up.
I wonder what Tom is doing right now, and if he is thinking of me.
Today is Sunday. I wondered if Chelsea has found a new church yet. Gosh, I hated Sunday school without her. It was my first Sunday to go to church without her and her family. My family and I didn't go to church the last two weeks, because we were busy doing stuff. It was sad not seeing her family there in their usual pew. Her dad would be looking all stuffy. Her mom would be dressed beautifully. And Chelsea and her sisters would be trying not to fall asleep!
This afternoon I went bowling with Sara and Rachael. Bowling is hard. And I suck at it. I got a thirty six. And I think the highest score a person can get is a three hundred, so one can imagine how horrible I did. Those lousy balls are heavy. I couldn't get my fingers in the ball right either. It looked so easy when I used to watch Tonya Faults bowl in her league. She isn't very big either, so I don't know how she picked up those heavy balls
Tom showed up at the bowling alley! I was so embarrassed because I bowled so badly. He kept coming up to me and touching my arm. I would feel all tingly where he touched me. When Tom said he had to go early before we were through bowling I was glad, he was acting like a big shot trying to help me not throw my ball in the gutter. He would lean with me and help me throw the ball. I still got a low score so one can see how effective that was. After he left I told Rachael and Sara that when Tom touched me I felt tingly all over and Rachael said that was love. Yeah, right! When I went to the bathroom I started my period (gross) so we left shortly after Tom. Of course I have my usual cramps. I just took ten aspirin so hopefully they will go away soon.
Before I went bowling my mom took me shopping to get a new dress for school. I think she felt bad about raising heck in Mervyns's about my gaining so much weight. She wants me to wear the dress Monday. It's a real pretty blue jean dress, and I bought a yellow shirt to go under it. I thought I looked okay in it, but my belly stuck out a bit. I didn't like that. I liked the nylons we bought to wear with it. My mom said that I was too old to wear socks with a dress, so she bought me the nylons and some nice dress shoes. I'm real nervous about wearing the dress because I haven't worn a dress since kindergarten.
When I got back from bowling my dad told me Tom had called me. He said it all professional, like he was my secretary. I told him okay. I was secretly glad. I didn't give Tom my number so he had to ask Sara for it.
I decided to call Sara and ask her if she gave my number to Tom and some weirdo screamed at me that she wasn't home. It was probably one of Sheila's loaded friends. I called Rachael and told her what happened and Rachael said it was probably Sara's mom's boyfriend. Creepy! It would seem so weird to have a mom who has boyfriends. My dad and I don't get along, but he seems a lot better than some creepy boyfriend.
After I got off the phone with Rachael, some guy called me and told me Tom loves me. How immature! I can totally tell Tom is in the seventh grade. I remember last year when I had Chelsea call Bobby Chavez and tell him I liked him. When he told her he hated me and to never call him again I could have died. Embarrassing!
I called Tonya Faults, the ace bowler, right after I went bowling to ask her about how she bowls so well, and she was pissed off at me. I waited her out to see what was wrong. She is always upset about something. Tonya said that Janet Goodman told her I was talking shit about her. I did, but I wasn't going to tell her. I said no, I didn't know what Janet (the bitch) was talking about. I said I hadn't talked to Janet in a long time.
Tonya said she didn't want to believe her, but Janet insisted I said it. What I had said to Janet was that Tonya acts like she is cool. Then Tonya said she was sorry for believing her and then asked me about Sara's party. So I told her all about the pot and stuff and she said Sara didn't seem the type to smoke pot and I told her she should have seen Sara's blimp sister, who thought she was God's gift, smoking cigarettes and eating like a pig. She laughed. I think we were okay when we hung up. I hated lying to her.
What a bitch Janet is. I am going to have to be careful whom I talk to now that Chelsea is gone. No one can keep a secret like her.
Tomorrow is Monday and I have to make up my mind about whom I'm going to ask to Sadie Hawkins. Tom, Donny, Tom, Donny, Tom, Donny. I really can't make up my mind.
I wore my new dress to school today. A lot of people came up to me and told me I looked good. Even this guy named Joe Hill. He called me over to where he and a lot of other guys were standing after my history class. I walked over to him. "How is it that you look so good, but you are such a bitch?" he asked. He laughed and gave his friends a high-five. I hit him on the arm and walked away. I hate him sometimes. Why do some guys have to be so mean sometimes? One guy was sort of nice to me today. Tom Hogue! We talked all day at school today. I think he is too young for me even though we are the same age. Tom called me after school and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no even though I kind of like him. He is just too young for me. I did say that I would go to a movie this weekend with him if he could get a friend for Rachael. I didn't want to say this to Tom, but I would be kind of afraid to be his girlfriend because he is only in the seventh grade. I don't know what my friends would say.
I am so sad my sister Victoria moved out. She is now living with her friend Teresa. Victoria is into this African-American phase. Teresa is black and so is this guy Victoria is dating. That was what the whole fight was about with my dad. Since Victoria is very beautiful with long blonde hair, she has always attracted men from different races. It drives my father crazy. He called her some mean things. I wouldn't ever want to repeat them.
I started a real diet today. I have kept on it so far. I weigh one hundred and thirty pounds and I am only five feet five. Most of my friends weigh around one hundred pounds. That is what I want to weigh. My father said something about my not eating dinner. I told him macaroni and cheese was too fattening and he said, "Macaroni and cheese is too fattening, but the rocky road ice cream you ate last night before bed wasn't?" I would love to tell him off sometime, but I wouldn't dare. I don't know what he would do. So instead I slammed the door to my room. I wish he could understand if one day I diet and another day I don't diet, I am not bad. I only started this stupid diet because of him and my mom anyway. He thinks he is so funny with his "chub" nickname. I used to be a twig. Lately I had been getting kind of chubby. I didn't even realize it until that day at Mervyns.
When we went up to the mountains a couple of weekends ago, on the way up my father started telling me he noticed I had put on some weight lately and I better watch it or I was going to get fat like his mother. This really hurt my feelings. I just sat there and let him put me down. I was so mad I wouldn't get out of the car. My dad said I spoiled the whole trip. I think he spoiled it.
Anyway, ever since then I've been really self-conscious about my weight. And then that day at Mervyns kind of cinched it. I am also exercising, which is no fun. I tried to do one hundred sit-ups but I only got to thirty. I have to work on that. I was able to do thirty jumping jacks, though. My dad came in and asked me what was rocking the house and I said I was exercising. He said that sounded like a good idea. He said that if I lost some weight he would let me take a day off school and go help him in his classroom. Yeah, like that's sounds like fun. Not! He's a teacher at a public elementary school. I just gave him half a smile.
I cannot wait until September nineteenth! The Sadie Hawkins Dance! I asked Donny Wong to go today. He said yes. I guess we have to wear matching shirts or something. We're supposed to get together and buy our shirts. The only problem I see is he probably wears an extra small and I wear a medium. I'm sort of excited about going to my first dance. Rachael is going to ask this guy named Mike Kirkland. I told her we should wear our hair in pigtails and put dots on our face like freckles. Tonya said she was going to ask Joe Hill. I told her what he said about me being a bitch today. She said she was sure he was only kidding. Yeah right!
Mr. Bennett, my science teacher last year, said he couldn't live without us so he moved up with our class. So now I have him again, which is cool because he lets us talk sometimes in class. He asked if Tonya Faults, Janet Goodman, and I would like to go out to lunch with him in his BMW. We said sure. He said we had to get permission slips from our parents.
Something weird happened when I showed my dad my permission slip. I thought he would say no because Mr. Bennett is a man. Instead, he asked me what Mr. Bennett looked like and I told him he was tall with curly brown hair and he wears these funky rectangle glasses. My dad laughed and said Mr. Bennett is in his master's program at college. My dad is going back to school to get his Master's Degree so he could get a raise. I guess Mr. Bennett is in his program! Needless, to say, my dad signed the slip. I hope we go to lunch really soon. Mr. Bennett said we would go as soon as all the permission slips were in. His BMW is so cool. I think we will all look great sitting in his car.
Tonya's birthday is September twentieth, and she is having a slumber party. She said she invited this girl named Cindy Webster who has been her friend for over ten years. I guess Cindy moved away about three years ago. Tonya told me Cindy has a spine problem and she wears a brace on her back like that girl Deenie in Judy Blume's book. She said for me to talk to her about it and not act like she's a weirdo. She said people at her school totally forget about it and act like everything's normal. I'm curious about this girl. I wonder how she will sleep. I mean will she sleep on the floor like the rest of us, or sleep in Tonya's bed? If I seem to remember correctly a person has to wear that thing all the time, even when they are sleeping.
I saw Aaron Miller last night. I went over to his street and saw him. We played catch by throwing a basketball up and down his street. He really is such a cutie. Now I just wish I could get rid of his girlfriend, Debbie, somehow. I will have to think about that. Other than murder I really don't have many ideas of how to get rid of her. I guess Aaron will just have to get rid of her himself.
I cannot believe it has been so many years since the attack on the World Trade Center. We had a huge assembly at school and they kept singing that song, "I'm proud to be an American." It was real sad.
This week has gone by so slow. It was really hard to stick with my diet, but I did it. I am now up to fifty sit-ups. I cannot believe that this is Friday and that tomorrow Rachael and I are going out with Tom and his friend Freddy Simpson to the movies. Rachael said I owe her big time for her agreeing to go out with Freddy. He is sort of a creep. My mom is going to drive Rachael and me there. We are supposed to meet them. I would never tell my mom what we are doing. She would go nuts.
It is such a small world. I just found out that my father goes to school with Mr. Bennett and then today at school I found out that my Brenda's husband, Hugh's sister goes to my school. Her name is Cindy and she is in the seventh grade. Even though my brother-in-law, Hugh, is a jerk, she seemed nice. I asked her if she and Hugh got along and she said that he is mean to her sometimes. I believe it. Every time my sister comes over she smells like BO. She said it's because Hugh works so hard at his job at Davis Painting Co. and he sweats a lot. Then he hugs her. (Among other things, my mom said.)
My friend Tiffany from summer camp wrote me. I got her letter today. She was really nice. The letter was cute. I can never forget how cold it was at camp even though it was summer. Our cabin was freezing. I would go to bed feeling like a Popsicle every night. I couldn't wait to leave camp so that I could take a hot bath. When I got home I filled the tub with water and hopped in. It was sub-zero! Victoria had used up all the hot water. I was really mad. The only bright spot at camp was meeting a guy named Nick. He was very nice, but we didn't exchange addresses. I was too shy. Tiffany said Nick goes to her church. She didn't know that at the time because he was new to her church. Maybe I will see him again next summer. I am going to write her back and tell her to tell him I said hi.
I am so glad I stayed on my diet this week. I hope I can stay with it. It would be fun to be slim and trim at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Donny said that his mother would drive us tomorrow to get our shirts. I hope I saved enough babysitting money from last weekend to cover the cost. I hate having to ask my parents for money, now that they are paying for my father's graduate school. I told Donny I was doing something in the afternoon (movies), and so we would have to go in the morning. He seemed fine with this.
Mr. Bennett took us "girls" to lunch today. (That is what he called us). He also invited a girl name Samantha Andrews. I was sort of upset, because I thought he was our special friend. Samantha was okay though. Mr. Bennett is a pig. He ate four Big Macs. It was really hard just eating my salad when he had special sauce on his breath. He let me sit up front on the way home. I thought it would be so thrilling, but I was flustered being up front with him by myself.
I am starting to ride the OCTA bus instead of our school bus. Tonya is taking it with me. The boys totally will not leave Tonya and me alone, pinching our butts and poking at us, and the bus driver gets mad at me for screaming. I know it seems like I enjoy it, but it was starting to get on my nerves. The bus driver told me yesterday if I screamed one more time she was going to stop the bus and I would have to walk home. I don't think she could do that. But I am not going to take any chances so I will ride the public bus. The OCTA bus drivers are cool; they don't tell a person to be quiet or to sit down.
I hope I get a good night's sleep so I will be in a good mood tomorrow. I have to be sure and buy some gum, because when I diet I tend to have bad breath. My mom even told me that at the dinner table one time, in front of the whole family. I got up and left the room. I mean like her breath smells like roses all the time. Give me a break.
Tonya told me today the bowling balls came in different sizes. I never thought to get a lighter ball. Hah!
Today was rotten. Tom Hogue is very mad at me. I don't know what he thought he was going to get at the movies, but he sure didn't get it from me. He kept putting his hand on my knee and I kept pushing it off. I remembered something my mom told me about her dad telling her to never let a boy touch her knee. I used to laugh at this, but it is very disconcerting if a girl is not ready for it. Tom and Freddy didn't even pay our way in the movies. They were waiting in the concession line when we drove up and they waved at us. Rachael said we were with some real winners. I told her she acted like she went on double dates all the time. She just smiled. Maybe she has.
When Tom tried to kiss me on the mouth, I had had it. I told him I was going home. He got away with a kiss that first time, but what does he think, I kiss boys all the time?
I forgot to figure out a way home for Rachael and me so we had to take the bus. Tom was so mad at me that he didn't even wave at me when we got on the bus. What a creep.
We drove by this drunken homeless man who had fallen asleep at the bus stop. I was so mad at Tom I stuck my tongue out at that poor man. The man looked very surprised. Rachael and I had a good laugh and I felt better. I did feel guilty about it later and I asked God to help the homeless man stop drinking so he can get a good life. When I got home I called my sister, Victoria, and told her all about it. She was very sympathetic. She said she'd had some loser dates in her life. She and I laughed when she told me about some of them. Sometimes I miss Victoria, but I've been so busy lately I haven't been thinking about her moving out. My mother is really mad at my dad because Victoria moved out. She said Brenda moved out when she was fourteen and now Victoria has moved out when she is seventeen and she was afraid to imagine what age I would move out. I told my mom not to worry; I would stay around for a while. I felt good because she gave me a big hug.
Earlier this morning Donny Wong's mother came to pick me up to get our flannel shirts for the dance. As I was leaving my mom gave me her Visa credit card. I mouthed thank you to her. I didn't need the Visa card though because Donny's mom paid for everything! She even bought us matching scarves. Our shirts are red and black plaid flannel and we both bought medium. I was really glad we wore the same size. I had nightmares last night of him going to the petite aisle and me going to the big woman aisle.
Rachael is spending the night, then she's going home before we go to church. That was her dad's criteria for her spending the night so we agreed. Her dad makes me so mad.
I really miss Chelsea and I write her all the time. I have to write her because we don't have the time for a good juicy talk when we call each other because our mothers are standing there with a timer. Actually in my house it is my dad.
Aaron Miller, my special love, called me tonight. I was so excited I was stuttering on the phone. He asked me if I wanted to play basketball with him tomorrow. I said yes, of course. I wondered if it's okay with his girlfriend, Debbie, if we do this. Rachael kept giggling when I was on the phone and I could hardly hear Aaron. Sometimes she is as immature as Tom. I told her so when I got off the phone. That made us start talking about the movies and we got a good laugh at those poor guys. Freddy was trying to put the moves on Rachael when Tom was putting the moves on me. Yuck! At least Tom is cute. Freddy is obnoxious. He has buckteeth and he is a mouth breather. I am sorry but that is just gross.
Last night, in the middle of the night Brenda came home banging at our door. Her mouth was cut and her face was bleeding. She said Hugh beat her up. At least she is finally admitting it. This morning she looked really bad. I wish my father wasn't the studious type so that he would go over and beat Hugh up. I know it wouldn't solve anything, but I would feel a lot better. Brenda is going to stay with us for a while. She's going to sleep in her and Victoria's old room. I feel very scared and nervous having her stay with us, scared for her, and nervous for us because I heard her talking to my mom and dad about Hugh and he is into some heavy crap with drugs and stuff. Sometimes I just hate him. I wonder if I can hire someone to beat him up. The problem with my family is we are all girls. I need some tough brothers.
I had so much fun playing basketball with Aaron today! It was just the two of us and he was being so funny. I accidentally hit him on the head with the ball and he said I was going to crack his hair because he had so much gel on it. Then he took his shoe off and threw it at me. We roughhoused and played basketball for about two hours. Brenda spoiled all the fun when she came and got me for dinner. She knew she was spoiling it, too. Aaron was on top of me because I had just gotten his shoe from him and I had put it down the back of my pants. He had tackled me and was trying to get the shoe by grabbing at my pants.
"What are you doing?" Brenda screamed.
I was so embarrassed. If she wasn't so beat-up looking I would have told her she was a bitch and to go away.
My dad got really mad at me at dinner tonight. He said that I better start eating more. He's the one who started this. He can't have it both ways. First he tells me I am fat, and then if I try to do something about it, like not eat, he has a problem. How does he think people lose weight? Anyway, he called me "chubs" again later on when he apologized for yelling. Doesn't he know that I want to drop that nickname along with the weight? He had a new one for me yesterday. He called me "Chub Steak." What in the heck is a Chub Steak? I think he is being such a jerk.
While we were having dinner my step-grandma called and said that my Grandpa Simons is in the hospital. He had a heart attack, but he is okay now. My dad seemed pretty upset. I only saw my Grandpa Simons once in my life and that was last year. He and my grandma got a divorce when my dad was fourteen. This was the last time my dad saw him, until last year. My grandpa tried really hard to get along with all of us, but it was really difficult to make up for all those lost years.
"I'm sorry, Dad," I said. "I hope Grandpa will be okay."
"Well, he's almost eighty you know," my dad said.
"Would you like to go up to Idaho and see him?" my mother asked my father.
"You know I can't miss school right now, let alone my graduate school."
My mother nodded. She seemed kind of concerned. I knew if either one of her parents were dying she wouldn't let anything get in her way to see them.
The phone rang, I ran to get it. It was Tom.
"Hi," I said, then I went around the corner so my family couldn't hear.
"Hi," he said.
"Are you still mad?"
"I was never mad."
"Oh, you just seemed mad at the movies."
Brenda chose that time to come around the corner. She whispered in my ear. "What a meaningful conversation you are having," she said.
"Shut up," I said to her.
"What?" Tom asked.
"Oh, nothing, it is just my stupid sister," I said. I wanted to ask him if he was going to the Sadie Hawkins dance with someone, but I was afraid he would misinterpret the question and think I was asking him.
"I was calling to make sure you are not mad," Tom said.
"No, I am not mad," I said. Brenda rolled her eyes. I shooed her away.
"Well, I better go," Tom, said.
"Okay, I better go too. Bye," I hung up.
"Ooh Tommy, please don't be mad at me," Brenda said.
"Oh, be quiet."
I went into my bedroom. Brenda has always teased me. I can never remember talking to her like I talk to Victoria. Victoria and I have some real meaningful conversations, but all Brenda likes to do is joke around.
So I called Tonya on the phone in my room. She said she was sick, and she sounded horrible. I hope I don't catch what she has. I don't want anything to spoil this week coming up with the Sadie Hawkins dance on Friday and Tonya's slumber party on Saturday. I hope she is better for her party. She told me to bring two rolls of toilet paper to her party. I asked her why (like I don't know!) and she just laughed. I guess we're going to T-P someone's house. We'll probably do Randy McCandlish's again, like we did at my slumber party last summer, because Tonya has had such a crush on Randy for two years. The only problem with doing Randy's is he'll know it's us and might send ten pizzas to my house like he did last time. I had a heck of a time trying to explain to my mom why all those pizza's kept being delivered. It was kind of funny though.
After I got off the phone I cleaned up my room. I put all the different colored clothes on matching hangers. It looked cool. I also organized my drawers. It felt so good to have a clean room. Like my Grandma Simons always says it is nice to have a place for everything, and everything in its place. I am really proud of the good grades I have been getting also. Just this week I got an A on a paper I wrote for English. I really like my new English teacher.
I had such a horrible time at the Sadie Hawkins dance today. And I had been looking forward to it for so long. The day started out okay, but ended dreadful. Rachael and I both wore our hair in pigtails and I thought I looked cute in my shirt Donny's mom bought. Rachael came over before school and we put fake freckles on each other with my mom's eyebrow pencil. It hurt a little bit when Rachael put the dots on me. I think I had worn the black crayon part down when I put the freckles on her, and so all I was getting was the wood part. Rachael and Mike Kirkland decided to wear matching T-shirts. They both wore black. Rachael looked pretty good in hers.
All day at school kids kept coming up to me and asking me if I was going to the dance with Donny, but of course they knew we were because we had on matching shirts. Sometimes people are so stupid. A lot of the rich kids went all-out with matching shirts. Bridgett Blanco and her boyfriend wore yellow satin shirts with black tassels on them.
The dance was held in our school auditorium, and when we got there we were surprised to see how much the PTA had done to make the room look like a Western club. There were red and white-checkered tablecloths on the tables with plastic boot vases with flowers in them. There was hay everywhere. Of course the boys started sliding back and forth in that. The Western decorations all over the room were cool, too. There was food of all kinds, too, but I didn't even want to look at it. One thing that looked really delicious was the Buffalo wings. I wanted to dive into those.
Tonya and her date, Joe, were decked out in bright red shirts with a cowboy Mickey Mouse on the front of them. They looked pretty cute sitting together at one of the tables. Tonya waved Donny and me over when we first got there. Joe had the gall to wave at me too like we were best friends. I just coolly waved at both of them and found seats away from them. We sat down.
Donny was shy when we first got there, and hardly talked to me at all. I just sort of waited for him to relax and I just looked around the room watching other people dance. Finally, Donny seemed to get up enough nerve to ask me to dance on a slow song. At first I was really glad it was a slow song because I was so nervous I didn't think I could dance a fast song the first one out. When Donny asked me to dance I just smiled and said yes like I've seen girls at the movies do.
When we got out to the dance floor Donny was about a head shorter than I was. His head hit me you know where. I was so embarrassed. He acted like he was in total heaven. He squeezed me really hard and when I tried to pull away a little bit he squeezed even harder. I became aware of people snickering all around me. I knew what they were laughing at.
I was so glad when the dance was over. We sat down and my face was so hot I knew it was flaming.
"How could you hold me like that?" I whispered fiercely at Donny.
"Like what?" Donny innocently asked, "I was only dancing."
"That is not the kind of dancing I had in mind."
"Sorry."
"Well, I don't feel well and I'm going home."
"You can't go home yet we just got here," Donny said.
"I've never been so ashamed and I'm not about to stay here."
"If I promise not to dance with you like that anymore, will you stay?"
"I am going to the bathroom," I said getting up.
When I went into the bathroom there were a lot of giggling girls in there. Janet Goodman was one of them and she smiled at me when she saw me.
"I guess you found out why Donny went to the dance with you?" she said.
"What?" I said, confused.
"You know, Donny Wong. He's been hot for you since seventh grade. I guess we all found out why today."
"Yeah, I guess so."
I went over and splashed water on my face. As I went out the door I heard a voice behind me say, "Gosh, Janet you are so mean." Then I heard laughter.
I decided right then to leave. I didn't care that I didn't have a bus ride home. The late bus could come and go without me.
"I'm leaving," I told Donny when I walked up to his table.
"Why?" He asked.
"I just am."
I left the dance. Let him explain to people where I've gone. The office was closed so I couldn't go in there to call my mom so I decided to walk home. It was only four o'clock and it doesn't get dark until five o' clock so I was okay. I knew that by walking home I would feel really conspicuous with my pigtails and fake freckles.
"Kaitlyn," I heard someone say behind me. I turned to see who it was.
It was Rachael and Mike Kirkland walking toward me.
"Where're you going?" Rachael asked.
I forgot all about Rachael being at the dance, I guess I should have told her I was leaving..
"Did you see what Donny did?" I asked her.
"Yes."
"I'm going home," I said.
"Well, we'll come with you," Mike said.
"That's really very nice of you, but I don't want to spoil your fun," I said.
"It was a stupid dance anyway," Mike, said. "We'll walk home with you and make sure you're safe."
Rachael looked at me and shrugged. We were really impressed by Mike's maturity. We had a decent time walking home and Mike made us laugh telling us the grossest jokes. Nobody at home even knew I came home early because we arrived about the same time as the late bus would have dropped us off. I took my shirt off and threw it in the trash. If that is what a dance is all about, I think I'll stay home next time.
I weighed myself right before I went to bed; I've lost almost ten pounds. I am so happy about that. At least I have something to be proud of.
I just don't understand guys at all. Why would Donny do that? He knew it would embarrass me. I would never embarrass somebody like that and then act like it was nothing. What in the world did he get out of that? My stomach hurts so much. I feel like crying and never stopping. Why do some guys have to be so perverted? Today was a sad day.
I thought Mr. Bennett was my friend, but he is no friend of mine. He had a class with my dad last night and he told him that I used my lunch money to buy a candy bar yesterday. He said he wouldn't normally tell a parent something like that, but he has noticed that I have lost some weight lately and he was concerned with my eating habits. My father came home and raised the roof. I just sat there while he ranted and raved. I wanted to tell him that I lost ten pounds, but if it wasn't noticeable, I didn't want him to embarrass me. He told my mom from now on I am to pack my lunch and it had better be with some of the four food groups. I was so mad. I have been saving my money from my lunches and I thought I had a pretty good thing going there. It's my life, right? Why does he care what I eat for lunch? So today I got up and made myself a lunch but I didn't eat it. I threw it away as soon as I got to school.
I saw Dan, Rachael's brother, today. I guess he was away at college. She always talks about him, but I have never met him. I think he's kind of cute, but he didn't act like I was even alive when I picked Rachael up for school today.
Our eighth grade pictures came today. I was so upset to see mine. I was chewing gum while I was taking my picture and I put it to the side of my mouth to smile and you can see it. I have a big wad of pink gum in my teeth. It looks just awful. The worst of it is the whole school is going to see it in our school annuals. I told my mom I didn't want to order any pictures. Who would want to give away a picture like that?
Tonya and Joe Hill were mad at me today. They said that I was really uncool to leave Donny at the dance yesterday. Like it's any of their business! I was sort of mad at them too, because they saw what he did to me, but they didn't care. Donny tried to talk to me at school today and apologize, but the way he did it was sort of whiny. He began whining about how he was so embarrassed about being left at the dance and how he didn't mean anything by the way he danced with me. I got so sick of his voice that I said, "Let's just forget about it, okay?" I asked him if he wanted the shirt back and he said no, and I was relieved because I threw it away.
Our school is having a talent show in the spring. Rachael and I were talking about dancing to the song, "Boogie Woogie Bugle boy." We were getting all excited about it and everything. It's going to take a lot of guts for us to get up there and dance.
Today when I had just happened to be walking by his house, I saw Aaron Miller sitting on his fence with a broken arm. He said he was wrestling with his girlfriend and she sat on his arm and broke it. I felt awful for her. I can just imagine the things people will say to her about how fat she is to break someone's arm. Aaron said it really hurt and his father had to take him to the emergency room. Aaron's dad is really nice. Aaron has three brothers and no sisters. His dad once told me he wished I were his daughter. One time I was walking home from school and he stopped me and gave me a bag of peanuts. I thought it was really nice of him.
Tonya called me tonight to make sure I was going to her slumber party. I told her I was. She said she was sorry for getting mad, but she thought I was cold to Donny. I asked her how she would like to have been molested on a dance floor. She told me I was exaggerating. I feel like taking back the shirt I bought her for her birthday. She did tell me whose house we are going to toilet paper. His name is Kevin Bay and Tonya has a crush on him. She said lately Randy McCandlish is just not as interested in her as he used to be. Kevin Bay's house is right across the street from Randy McCandlish's so I think there is more to this than she is saying. I mean you can't just fall out of love that quickly.
Today I was really hungry. Some days it is so easy to not eat, and others it is so hard. I want to go into my refrigerator and scarf, but I don't.
I decided to take up jogging. I asked Brenda if she would go with me because it was after dark. I literally ran circles around her. She said it was because she used to smoke.
I had such a wonderful time at Tonya's slumber party even if Tonya didn't invite Rachael. They just don't seem to be able to get along. When I first got to Tonya's house I was expecting to see her father there with his Bermuda shorts on. Then I remembered that her parents were separated. This made me feel bad for her. I sometimes wish my mom would take me away from my dad and we could live alone, but Tonya seems sad without her dad.
I really liked Tonya's friend, Cindy Webster, (the girl who wore the brace). She was sitting on Tonya's couch when I arrived and I could tell she had her brace on. Suddenly, I felt shy. She smiled at me like she understood so I went over to her and said hi. She said Tonya had said some nice things about me. I told her Tonya liked her a lot too. We put our sleeping bags right next to each other ( my mom finally bought me one, she said if I am going to slumber parties every weekend I need a sleeping bag so I don't keep getting her blankets dirty).
We had so much to eat that I am sick thinking about it. I probably gained back the ten pounds I just lost. First we had hot dogs and potato chips at Tonya's house and then we ate chocolate cake with white frosting while Tonya opened her gifts. She acted like she liked the shirt I gave her, but sometimes she is so picky. After Tonya opened her gifts her mother drove us to Thirty-One Flavors for ice cream sundaes. Her mother told us we could get any kind we wanted. Some of the girls were really gross with their combinations. I just had my usual mint and chip with hot fudge. I like Thirty-One Flavors because they put this really yummy wafer cookie in the sundae.
After we went to Thirty-One Flavors we went back to Tonya's and the other girls set up their sleeping bags. I was the only one who didn't have a camping sleeping bag. I can't help it if my dad's not the outdoor type. My new bag was bright yellow and it keeps me nice and warm. When Tonya's mom went to bed we got out the toilet paper and plotted out whose house we were going to get. Gina Payson, a friend of Tonya's, wanted to get this guy named Phil Stevens who lives across the street from Tonya. Another girl, Judy Rite, thought this was a good idea also. Tonya said no because Phil knew she was having a party and would get hers next. Tonya, of course, said she wanted to get Kevin Bay's house. Since this was her party we decided to give in. Some of the girls had already put on their pajamas and were going to go out like that, but I left my clothes on. The last thing I wanted was to get caught outside in my pajamas. It's like that dream I have sometimes where I go to school naked and I don't know it until I get there.
I brought a four pack of pink toilet paper with me. I wanted the paper to be as bright as I could get it so no one in the neighborhood could miss it tomorrow morning. Just before we left Tonya snuck out of the living room and made a phone call. So when we arrived at Kevin Bay's house three blocks away, I wasn't surprised to see Randy and all his brothers waiting for us.
It was really difficult not to laugh when we were toilet-papering Kevin's house. It's not that it's so funny. It's just so sneaky and so scary and you are so sure that someone will come out and catch you. We had about eight girls and Randy and his two brothers so it was difficult to keep quiet. Everyone kept shushing each other. His house was great for toilet papering. He had low bushes and lots of trees. One of things that Randy came up with which I thought was great idea was he went home and got string which he used it to tie around the bushes in front of Kevin's door. He wound it around so much they will need scissors to cut the string before they could leave their porch. We probably had forty rolls of toilet paper in all kinds of pastel colors.
After we were through Tonya wanted to stop and talk at Randy's house. So we stayed for a while, but some of the girls got to be really loud and giggling. There are these two girls that are Tonya's friends who are twins. They're not identical. One of them has brown hair and she is about five feet three inches. And the other one has blonde hair and is over five feet seven inches. I have never liked either one of them because they have a cruel streak that is not funny to me. At Randy's house they started teasing Tonya about something she said about Randy when he walked her home from his house one time. (I guess instead of her hands being sweaty when she got home from walking with him her feet were sweaty!) Tonya was really humiliated. She said she thought it was time to go home.
When we were walking home she started telling Maddy and Lisa, the twins, how angry she was that they told Randy what she said. They didn't seem to care. Tonya started biting her skin around her nail, which she does when she is really upset. Maddy told her to knock it off and that Tonya was such a cannibal. Cindy and I walked back together. She said she never liked Maddy or Lisa. I told her I agreed with her.
When we got back to Tonya's we tried to settle down, but we couldn't. Tonya kept saying her mother was going to wake up. But somehow I doubt her mother was asleep. I think she knew about the toilet papering. Her mother is really cool sometimes. She gives Tonya all the money she wants for clothes and stuff. I have to earn all my money doing house chores or babysitting.
Tonya was really grouchy when we got back. She just settled in her sleeping bag and wouldn't talk. I tried to talk to her a couple of times but she snapped at me. We turned the lights out and tried to sleep. I deliberately only brought one bra and I had it on. I wasn't going to find my bra in Tonya's freezer. Cindy asked me if Tonya liked Randy a lot. I said I thought so. We talked about her school and how the kids treat her with her brace and stuff. She said her life was nothing like Deenie's and she wished it were. I asked her if she was uncomfortable in her brace and she said it was really difficult to get used to especially to sleep in. She asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told her no, but I liked Aaron Miller a lot. She said she remembered him from when they were in Kindergarten together. I thought that was funny.
When I complained about how much I ate Cindy told me she wasn't sick at all. I told her she had to be kidding; I saw all the food she ate. She said she has this new diet she heard about at camp where you gag yourself and make yourself throw up after you eat. You can eat as much as you want and not gain a pound. I noticed she did look sort of skinny inside that brace. I told her I wouldn't even know how to make my self-throw up. She stuck her finger in her mouth and showed me. I told her I thought that was gross. She said not to knock it until I've tried it. I don't know though. It seemed sort of wasteful and gross. I hate to be sick. I usually cry when I have to throw up. When I was little my mom would hold my hair back so I didn't throw up in it when I had the flu.
About three in the morning I heard the twins getting up to check and see who was asleep. Maddy put her face right next to mine. I whispered "Boo" at her. She giggled. It looked like everyone was asleep except Cindy, Maddy, Lisa and me. Maddy wanted to put Tonya's hand in warm water to make her pee. She said she was really mad at her for thinking she was really cool at Randy's house. They wanted me to go check and see if she was asleep. I got up quietly and went over to Tonya's sleeping bag.
"Tonya, are you asleep?" I whispered.
Tonya reached out and hit me right in the nose.
"What did you do that for?" I asked her.
"What?" Tonya asked sleepily.
"You punched me in the nose," I said.
"Sorry," she mumbled and turned over.
"Did you see that?" I asked Cindy, laughing.
She was laughing too.
We all decided to go to bed after Maddy went into Tonya's room and got one bra and a pair of panties to soak in water and put in the freezer. I guess that was better than nothing.
In the morning when Mrs. Faults got up to make orange juice she had a little surprise for her when she got the juice out. Tonya did not think it was funny at all. The twins of course thought it was hilarious. I thought it was kind of funny.
I asked Tonya if she remembered punching me in the nose. She said no. Somehow I think she did it on purpose, but I guess I never will be able to prove it.
When I arrived home the first thing I did was get on the scale to weigh myself. It looks like I might have gained a little weight. I will have to be careful next week or I will gain all my weight back. I like the way my clothes feel sort of loose on me. Sometimes if I feel sad, I put my hand in the lining of my pants and feel how loose they are and I get so happy.
I must have slept twelve hours today after Tonya's party. I was pooped. Later I decided to go look at Kevin Bay's house to see how well they cleaned up. I just casually walked by. His parents, Kevin, and his little sister were cleaning up the mess. His mother looked furious. She was stamping around picking up toilet paper and yelling at Kevin. I guess one of the girl's toilet papered their van and it stained the exterior and the windows. I decided to not even say hi as I walked by. I didn't want them to notice me.
I started a new no carb diet today. I can eat as much meat, vegetable, and fat I want; I just can't eat sugar, fruit, or bread. I had eggs all day. That was an easy one. Also I had my zucchini specialty for dinner. It's one zucchini squash cut up and steamed. Then I put cheese on it and melt it in the broiler. It only has one hundred calories and it is so good.
This No-Carb diet is hard. It sounds like a good thing until you wake up and the last thing you want is meat for breakfast. I would kill for a piece of bread.
At school today this girl named Cammy Higgens was acting like such a bitch to me we almost had a fight. She backed off when she saw how angry I was. I couldn't explain the anger. I wanted to kill her. I have only been eating meat. They say red meat is anger food. I wish I knew if this is true. I have been so angry lately, about nothing at all.
The weather is getting crisp and cold. I love fall. I walked over to Aaron Miller's house. Aaron was watching his brothers play basketball with their homemade hoop made out of a laundry basket hooked to their garage. Aaron's arm was still in a cast. He looked sort of forlorn sitting there. My heart went out to him.
"Hey, Kaitlyn, do you want to play?" Aaron's brother Chad asked.
"Sure. But I will have to leave in awhile before it gets dark," I said.
"I will walk you home," Aaron said.
His brothers all hooted.
"Shut up," Aaron said turning red.
Aaron's brothers and I played basketball for a while then Rachael came by.
"Hi," I said to her. She gave me a quick hug.
Chad said, "Hey, Rachael how would you like to play basketball with all of us?"
"No, thanks," Rachael said. She's not exactly the athletic type.
"I will give you a kiss if you play," Chad said.
"Gross," Rachael said.
Chad tackled Rachael on their front lawn and was trying to get her shoe off (what is their foot/shoe fetish?) and she was giggling and pushing him away when his dad came out.
"Boys, your mother is trying to sleep. Please keep it down," he said. I wondered how he expected four boys to keep it down. Then he saw me. "Hi, Kaitlyn, I haven't seen you in awhile."
"I've been busy," I said shyly now that everyone was looking at me.
"You look a bit thinner, Kaitlyn," his dad said.
Rachael (who was still on the grass trying to get her shoe back from Chad) said, "Yeah, she is doing that No-Carb diet where all you eat is steak."
"Be careful with that Kaitlyn, you are plenty thin enough."
Of course I felt hot all over again.
"Hmm... Well, boys and girls," he said, nodding at Rachael and me, "Please be a little quieter." Then he went back inside. The moment his dad was gone Chad threw Rachael's shoe up the tree. Rachael squealed as all four boys told her to be quiet.
"Aaron, make Chad go up the tree and get Rachael's shoe." I said.
"Why should I?" He asked.
"I think you would do it, because you are the nicest guy in the Miller family, besides your dad of course." I said trying to flirt.
"I will only make him if you give me a kiss," Aaron said.
"I will not kiss you when you are going with another girl." I said.
"Aaron and Debbie broke up," Chad said.
Boy did that news get my attention quick! I was so excited I almost needed to sit down.
"Why?" I asked.
"She's too pushy for me," Aaron said. "Hey Chad, go get Rachael's shoe for her right now."
"Why should I?"
"Because if you don't I will pound you to the ground one handed," Aaron said.
"Fine," Chad said, he jumped to the trunk of the tree and started climbing it to get Rachael's shoe. Even though Chad is older, Aaron is a lot stronger.
"I have one really stinky Tennis shoe, if someone wants it," Chad said dangling Rachael's shoe.
"Please throw it down," Rachael said giggling.
Chad threw the shoe down and it hit Rachael in the face. Of course she squealed again. Aaron's dad came out and firmly suggested to the boys that they go to the school to play basketball. Aaron asked if we wanted to come but already it was getting dark so I knew I had to go home.
Aaron started walking with Rachael and me. His brothers clapped and made smoochy noises. I wanted to suggest to Rachael that we drop her off first, but I didn't know how to without seeming too forward. Aaron walked us to my house then said he was going to go down to the school to watch his brothers play basketball. When Aaron left I told Rachael that I thought I was in love. She told me to be careful because she heard from Chad that Aaron was for sure sleeping with Debbie before they broke up. That didn't bother me because there was no way I was going to sleep with anyone until I got married.
When I got home I made my zucchini specialty. My dad came in and saw me eating. "You missed a great dinner. We had mashed potatoes and gravy," he said.
"Yeah, I sure missed all the calories," I said, eating my specialty.
"I want you home for dinner from now on," he stated firmly. "Your mother told me something today that I found very disturbing." I waited for him to tell me, my stomach knotting up. "She said that you are not eating breakfast in the morning and you are forgetting to make your lunch."
"And...?" I said.
"This is not acceptable behavior, Kaitlyn. You are going to get sick." I said nothing, turning from him. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face him.
"Just leave me alone," I screamed at him.
I ran in my room and slammed the door. I hate him so much sometimes.
I started doing my jumping jacks. I love to exercise now. I cannot get enough of it. I work out as much as I can. I can't work out a lot because I have to go to school too.
I have lost about fifteen pounds. I am on a no-fat diet. All the carbs I want just no fat and low fat meat. It's a pretty good diet. I can even eat fruit.
Aaron has disappeared. He has been staying inside a lot so I haven't seen him much. I really miss him.
I didn't go out this year for Halloween. I didn't want all that candy to tempt me.
I am not getting along with my dad at all. The latest argument my dad and I had was a doozy. I was sitting at my table trying to choke down a salad with fat free ranch salad dressing on it. Yummy! Not!
"I have been talking to your mom and she is quite upset with you. She said you haven't been doing your weekend chores," my dad said.
"I have been very busy lately." I said.
"You know you have chores to do every week. We pay you an allowance so you will help with the family chores. We give you this money for spending money. We could start requiring you to do the chores without pay. I have heard that other children do chores for free," he said.
"Like who? All my friends get as much money as they want and they don't have to lift a finger. Tonya's mother hires a housekeeper to clean her house, and she even does Tonya's room," I said.
"I find that hard to believe. Regardless, tomorrow is Sunday and I want you to catch up on all your chores and not do anything after church," he said.
"That is not fair," I said to him.
"No, I think we have been more than fair letting you go to movies, dances and parties. You have responsibilities to the family and I expect you to live up to them."
"I hate you," I mumbled leaving my salad on the table. I couldn't eat one more bite.
As I was leaving he said, "Since you hate me so much you can forget about phone calls tomorrow also."
I slammed the door to my room, my poor door.
I had lunch with Tonya today. I hate eating lunch with her. She is so picky about her food. The cafeteria had burritos and so she bought her lunch. She kept squeezing the beans out of the burritos and saying she thought beans were so gross. I asked her what she thought burritos were made out of. She said she didn't mind squashed beans, she just hated to eat them whole. I was glad I brought an apple because if I would have bought lunch I think I would have thrown up. I know, I know, an apple isn't considered a whole lunch. I am on a new diet where I can eat all the fruit I want just no bread.
My stomach hurt at school, it kept growling. It was sort of a satisfying feeling. Knowing I was hungry and not doing anything about it.
I acted like I didn't know Tom at school today. It drove him crazy. I wish he would leave me alone. He calls me all the time.
After school Rachael and I made homemade chocolate chip cookies. It was so hard to only eat a little of the batter. We decided to give Aaron and Chad some cookies. Rachael so likes Chad. We walked over to their house. Luckily only they were in the yard raking leaves. I didn't want Gary or Ken, his other brothers, to get their feelings hurt because we didn't have enough cookies for them. Aaron looked so helpless raking with one arm. How long are you supposed to wear a cast anyway? I think he is having trouble because he is so active.
"How much longer are you going to have to wear your cast?" I asked Aaron, when I gave him his cookies.
Chad said, "Aaron has to have surgery on his arm. They are putting in a metal plate on Monday."
I gave Aaron a little hug.
"I am so sorry you have to have surgery," I said.
"Will you come visit me in the hospital?"
"Yes."
"Now for sure, I'll marry you, sweetheart," Aaron said munching on a cookie. I felt so happy. Even if I have to walk there, I am going to visit him!
We stayed over at their house until I had to go home to dinner. Aaron kept putting his good arm around me and he kept asking me for a kiss.
I wish I knew if he was kidding or not. Last time when he asked me to kiss him I didn't know if he meant it. I would so love to kiss him.
Today was really cold outside. I was all bundled up in my jacket and Aaron kept trying to get me to take my jacket off. I asked him why he would care if I had a jacket on. Chad and he just laughed. Was he trying to get a look at my boobs? The little devil!
I wish Aaron went to the same school as I do, but next year I will go to his high school. I didn't remember him when I was in the seventh grade, I guess he kept to himself or maybe I did. I wonder if it will be different when I see him at school. To me he is so cool at home, what if he is a nerd at school?
When I had to leave to go to dinner, Rachael didn't go home with me. She said she was going to stay there. I was sort of mad at her for doing that. She doesn't have to go home for dinner. Her mother works at Disneyland and Rachael makes her own dinner every night, because I don't think her dad eats. He looks it too, all skin and bones. Maybe that is why he is so crabby; he probably has low blood sugar.
When I got home for dinner, my mom was having hamburgers with French fries. The hamburgers looked good so I had one. I went kind of crazy with the fries. I couldn't stop eating them. I saw my dad watching me sort of smugly. I stopped eating and went to my room. My stomach felt full and very uncomfortable. I thought about what Cindy said about throwing up. It made me sick to think about it. I decided to go take a bath. With the water running it was really noisy in the bathroom. I put my hair in a ponytail and decided to try what Cindy said. I couldn't believe how easy it was to make the food come up. I felt really gross though. My head felt light and I felt really dirty. I weighed myself on my scale. I couldn't believe it; I weighed the same amount I had in the morning. I have never done that. I felt so powerful. Taking a bath, I felt very happy. When I was done, I did my usual one hundred sit-ups and jumping jacks and I got Brenda to go jogging with me. She is getting better at it.
My Thanksgiving was okay. My Grandma Simons came over and she made a fuss over me not eating dinner so I went ahead and ate until I could almost pop. I don't even want to think about the food I ate. When we were done I felt like crying. All I could think about was all the weight I was going to gain. I didn't want to but I went in and threw up. It was so gross. I felt so dirty and gross I needed to go take a shower. I feel so ashamed of myself. I really have lost lots of weight doing it and it is so easy.
I have been dieting so much that at night I feel so tired. My Grandma and Grandpa Mauldin came over from Arizona to spend Christmas with us. It was nice except my Grandma cooks all the time and she bugged me all the time about not eating. I am lucky if I lost five pounds this month.
I have become obsessed with working out. It seems to be the only stress-reliever I have now that Brenda is living with us again. Brenda is driving me crazy. She is constantly in my face. If he weren't such a prick, I would want her to go back with Hugh. I wish she at least could go live in her old house. Why doesn't she just kick him out? She could get the police to help her. She has a restraining order against him. He can't be within one hundred feet of our house or where she works. . Brenda got a job at a little clothing store by our house. I wish he would just show up one of these days. I would call the police on him so quick. I am so glad Brenda never had any kids. I can just imagine what this house would be like with a bunch of snot nosed kids running around. Poor Chelsea has two divorced sisters and their kids living with her. The only good thing about here is there is only one almost divorced-sister.
Christmas vacation has been really boring. All I have done is watch the reruns of the Newlyweds and MTV. I love Jessica Simpson. She acts so stupid, but I know it is an act. I think she is as good an actress as Lucille Ball. For some reason, people like wives to be dumb. Not me, I am going to college before I get married, if I ever do get married. If I could marry anyone right now, I would pick Aaron Miller. There is no doubt in my mind at all. I would love to be his wife.
Rachael and I took the bus to see him when he had arm surgery. He looked so pale and sweet in the hospital. I wanted to kiss him so bad.
My sister Victoria got raped last night in her own apartment. I didn't understand was what the matter this morning when she called hysterical; I could barely understand her when she asked to talk to mom. I later got the whole story. I guess she knew who the guy was. He was her roommate, Teresa's boyfriend. I guess he came in her room and raped her after Teresa went to work. My mom said he had just been with Teresa. How sick. I feel so awful for her. What is the matter with that man? Is he a psycho? What could he have been thinking?
Victoria had to go to the police station then the hospital and get checked out. My mom said that is sometimes as humiliating as a rape. I didn't know how she would know this. Victoria also has to have an HIV test. She will have to have one every six months for about five years. I hope she didn't catch the HIV virus from this creep. That would be so horrible.
Victoria is moving back in with us. My mom and dad went over and got all her stuff today while I was at school. My father must have been pretty upset to miss school. Victoria looked okay when I came home from school. She asked me if I minded her moving back in and I started crying. I didn't realize how scared I was. She patted my back and comforted me like I needed it instead of her. Her face seems kind of odd, sort of distant.
My mother called the district attorney today to press charges. But she learned there might be some problems. Because Victoria knew the rapist, the defense could argue that she somehow instigated the act. Also, because Victoria is dating an African American man, and because her rapist is an African American, the defense would paint a picture showing that Victoria is attracted to African American men and she somehow seduced their client. Isn't this crazy?
I felt so sick about all this I didn't even attempt to eat dinner or go anywhere after school. I just did my usual exercise routine and since Brenda wasn't home from work yet I was afraid to jog outside so I just ran in place in my room. I don't like to do that as much as jog outside.
I asked Victoria if she would like to sleep with me tonight. She said she would. When we were all cozy in my bed, I felt sort of shy. I knew she was the same person, but I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't have to worry; she just fell asleep without talking to me. I lay awake until I heard Brenda come home. I went into the kitchen with her.
"Did you hear about Victoria?" I asked her.
"Yeah, wasn't it horrible?" She asked me.
"It gives me the creeps," I said.
"Well, I found out from Teresa today that this guy is in the marines. We will be able to do something to him even if the legal system is against us," Brenda said.
"Really, what will we do?" I asked her, feeling really close to her.
"Mom and Dad are going down to talk to his commanding officer tomorrow. He is going to be one sorry dude that he messed with Victoria. And even though Mom said that we really don't have a leg to stand on in court. His commanding officer will punish him like our court system would never do," Brenda said.
For some reason this didn't make me feel better. I thought our court system was built to protect people like Victoria. Maybe I should have paid more attention in my seventh grade government class. I think the name of the class was like the California Judicial System or something like that. The class was really boring. All we ever did was watch movies in there. It didn't help that my teacher kept running off to jury duty all the time and all we ever had were substitutes who didn't know anything about political science.
"You better go to bed, coyote," Brenda said. Coyote was Brenda's nickname for me. Brenda hadn't called me coyote in a long time. I had no idea why but when she said it, I felt better.
"Good night," I said walking off to bed.
When I got back into bed with Victoria she was moaning in her sleep and she was kind of thrashing around. I shook her until she woke up.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
"Bad dream," she mumbled. She looked really sweaty.
I felt really bad for her. I guess she probably was having a bad dream. She probably will be having lots of bad dreams.
I saw this show about a girl who got raped and it changed her whole life. The people in her life gave her a really hard time, acting like she asked for the rape. I was going to make sure people gave Victoria an easy time. And if someone even suggests she asked for it, watch out! I really wanted to kill that bastard who raped her.
To put my self to sleep I fantasized about the different ways I could have saved Victoria and killed him at the same time.
I called Chelsea earlier and told her to tell her family about what happened to Victoria. I asked my mom if it would be okay if I told her and she said yes because she has already talked to her mom about it. I am glad our mom's have stayed friends. Maybe she can come out to see me in the summer. I bet she doesn't want to with all this craziness.
I feel kind of scared. I know this man is back at his marine base, but what if he gets out? What if he is mad at Victoria for telling on him and he tries to kill her?
The next day when Victoria and I woke up, she looked horrible. I asked her if she had a good night's sleep and she said she doubted she would ever sleep well again. I wanted to ask Victoria what Teresa thought of her boyfriend hurting her, but I was too scared to. I didn't want to bring up bad feelings in Victoria. I would feel sick and angry if I was Teresa. My mom said that Victoria wasn't going to go to work. Teresa works with her so I was kind of glad. Teresa works an earlier shift than Victoria, which was how the creep was able to go into Victoria's room after Teresa left. Victoria was still in bed.
I can't explain what I felt like today at school after knowing Victoria was raped. I kept wondering what she felt like. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I know I used to kid about the boys on the bus molesting me, but I knew it was nothing like what happened to Victoria. My mom wouldn't give me too many details of what happened to her, only that he was very cruel. I looked around at the boys at my school and wondered who could be capable of doing this. I couldn't see any of them doing this. I wanted to talk to someone about what happened, but this was Victoria's secret. (I wish I could laugh at that, "Victoria's Secret", (like the underwear!) but I am too sad.) I knew I should keep her secret for her.
My mom and dad went to see this creep's commanding officer today. My mom told me this man would be able to handle the situation adequately. She told me Victoria did all the right things by going to the police, and then going to the hospital to be checked out so we could prove the rape.
When I got home from school Victoria was watching videos of Dick Van Dyke. I knew she was really upset because she only does this when she feels bad. I went over and sat by her. She put her hand in mine. Her palm was sweaty. I just sat by her and didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.
"Thank you for letting me sleep with you last night," she said.
"Do you want to sleep with me tonight?" I asked her, hoping she would say yes.
"Yes, I would. You are a great little sister," she said.
I smiled at her. We sat like that and watched one Dick Van Dyke show after another. It was sort of soothing.
Rachael called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I told her no that I needed to stay home. She didn't understand why I would not want to go out, how could she? I used to do anything I could to get away from my house.
I went back to Victoria and sat by her again. She was all huddled up in the corner of the couch. I didn't know what to say or do. So I just sat there.
My dad came in and we had dinner. I could tell my mom was really trying to be nice to Victoria. She made all her favorites. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and we even had Victoria's favorite dessert: blueberry cobbler. I ate a little because I didn't want the attention to be drawn to me.
That night Victoria and I went to bed. I put my hand in hers and it was still sweaty. I could have cried. I just laid there and held her hand.
"Was it horrible?" I asked her.
"More horrible than I could ever tell you," she said. "Mom is going to take me to get some rape counseling tomorrow. I guess there's this place where women get together and talk about what happened to them when they were raped."
"I think that will be good."
"Yeah, I do too."
I smiled at her.
"I need to tell someone about what happened and I don't think any of you could handle it. Mom is, well Mom, Dad is all into himself, and Brenda has her own problems. You are too young to be burdened by all of this," she said.
"Oh, ok," I said squeezing her hand.
"Anyway, thank you for being with me. It's funny, but the worst thing right now is I don't like to be alone. I'm even scared to go to the bathroom alone. Forget about taking a bath."
"If you need to take a bath tomorrow, I will go in there with you."
"Thank you." She kissed my hand.
When she went to sleep I lay there and watched her to see if she would have nightmares so I could wake her up if she did. I fell asleep watching her.
These last couple of days I have felt like I have been in a dream or a nightmare. Like my grandma sometimes says, my plate is so full. I need Chelsea so bad. Why did her dad have to pick now to retire? She is the only one who would understand this. I cannot talk to any of my friends here about it.
I feel like the world is full of rapists and I am so scared. Is there anywhere safe? Is Arkansas safe? I seem to remember there were a lot rapes in Arkansas a while back. I should ask Chelsea about it. I don't want to scare Chelsea or anything so maybe I won't ask her. Maybe it was Tennessee, all I know is it was in one of those hick towns, and I saw it on one of those shows that tells you to look for bad guys. Boy, I feel like the bad guys are everywhere. I was watching America's Most Wanted and I thought I recognized this one man who killed his whole family. The guy looks like my next-door neighbor, Mr. Waxen. Maybe I should give that show a call.
The days following Victoria's rape were hard. Victoria didn't go back to the job she had with Teresa. She said she didn't care too much about not going back to work because answering phones was boring anyway. She did start counseling and it seems to be helping. She continued sleeping in my bed, and by this point I was sort of glad. I didn't want to be alone either. It is a scary feeling, kind of like when you were little and you were afraid to sleep in the dark.
Going to school was difficult because I worried about Victoria constantly. I still didn't feel I could tell anyone. If Victoria ever said I could, I would tell Tonya or Rachael, but I didn't want it to get around so I kept quiet.
Victoria broke up with Dan, her boyfriend. She said the break up didn't have anything to do with him being African American or anything; she just didn't want anyone to touch her including him. I could understand that.
I have lost lots of weight. The only highlight of this situation is that I cannot eat a thing.
Because of Victoria and Brenda both ending their relationships and what happened to Victoria, my mom and I thought we would make Valentine's Day fun this year. We all haven't lived together for about five years, and so we decided to have a family party and exchange gifts like we do at Christmas. I really got into the spirit of things, especially with the decorations. I made four huge valentines and put the first name of each one of my family members in it. I then went through our family picture albums and made collages of everyone from birth to now. I also used some of my money to buy gifts. I bought my dad some Old Spice cologne that was in a neat box. I got my mom a tiny stuffed bear that was wearing a purple skirt. I bought Brenda some Avon perfume from the lady down the street who sells it from her home like it's a store. Brenda's favorite is Sweet Honesty. I know Hugh is allergic to it so now she can wear it all she wants. I bought Victoria the most special present of all. It was a ceramic heart that said "I Love You."
My mom and I bought lots of pink, red and white streamers and red napkins and red plates. She was going to make a special dinner and I was going to make the cake with a Valentine decoration on it. I was really excited for Valentine's Day to come.
One thing that was a total bummer this week is my Grandpa Simons died. My father cried like his heart was broken. It was so sad. My house is a literal tomb of sadness lately. Tomorrow is my grandpa's funeral. My dad isn't going to go. He just didn't feel like he should go. Brenda gave him heck over that. He told her to mind her own business. He said that his father was never there for him while he was alive so why should he go see him now that he is dead. He said he would feel like a hypocrite.
With all this misery going on I feel guilty about loving Aaron so much. Every time I see him my heart jumps right out of my chest. He always has a smile for me and one time he even gave me a flower he had picked. It was out of my mom's rose bushes but it is the thought that counts. Another time he was walking by my house and talked to me for about an hour right in front of my tree. I was so excited when I went in the house.
Dieting is getting harder and harder with all the stuff that has been going on. I want to be skinny so bad. When I went to bed last night I felt like I might be sick, now I know I'm sick. I have a fever of one hundred and one degrees. I don't feel like eating anything, which is good. I know I won't be able to go to school tomorrow and I am glad because it is report card day. Tonya said she would pick up my slips for me.
Victoria said that since I'm so sick she was going to go back to her bed. My mom said this was a good sign. Maybe she is getting better. It was going to be good to have my bed to myself, but I would miss our late night talks.
I don't think I will be going to our Valentine dance. Not after the Donny Wong fiasco
I want to eat a pound of chocolate. There is something about Valentines' Day that makes me have a craving for it.
I stayed home from school today and yesterday and watched all my favorite soap operas. Yesterday Tonya brought over my report card slips after school. I am so mad at Mr. Bennett. He gave me a U in science. I can't believe it. I thought he was my friend. I will never talk and joke in his class ever again. I hate him. My father said he was going to ask Tonya and Rachael to go to the mountains with us this weekend, but because my report card slip from Mr. Bennett was so bad we weren't going. I think he's lying because all of my other report card slips were great, all A's. I don't think we were ever going to the mountains. I told him I didn't care because I had such an awful time last time we went. Actually I really didn't care because I felt so terrible and hot and feverish these past few days.
All I did today was sleep and I blew my diet totally. I ate tons of ice cream and drank tons of seven up. It felt so good on my throat. I slept and I watched TV all day.
As if I don't have enough problems I started my period today. Yuck.
Victoria found herself another job. She is going to sell air-conditioners door to door. I asked her who would buy an air-conditioner in February; she said she would have to see.
I felt better in the evening and Rachael asked if I could spend the night. My mom said no because I probably still had germs. When I told Rachael that I couldn't spend the night she said maybe after church this Sunday we could go to the mall.
Last night I had a dream about Rachael's brother Dean. The dream was weird because I hardly even know him. There is no way I am ever going to tell Rachael about the dream; I know she would tell him. She's that type.
I have been hiding all my valentines gifts for everyone and it has been so hard to not show them. It's been really hard keeping my mom out of my room especially since I've been sick. I had to hide them deep under my bed. Thank goodness, my room is spotless.
I really miss Victoria not sleeping in my room. I really got used to her sleeping in my bed with me. I used to have a blanket and socks all ready for her because when she came to bed her feet were so cold.
Aaron Miller called. He said he had heard I've been sick. I told him that it was nice of him to call. He told me some sad news. I guess his family and him are moving. His mother doesn't like our neighborhood and wants to go somewhere nicer. I thought we had a nice neighborhood and I told him so. He said he, his dad and his brothers all thought so, too. I told him I would be sad when he left.
"Really?" he asked.
"Really," I said.
"I'll miss you too," he said.
"When are you leaving?"
"We will move as soon as we sell the house."
"You and your brothers should pretend the house is haunted." I said.
"I wish that would work. My mom certainly has been acting like a witch lately," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"That's okay, sweetheart," he said. "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. You know what day that is, don't you?"
"Valentine's Day," I said.
"Yeah, it is kissy day, my favorite day of the year."
"Well, I better go," I said, embarrassed.
"I'll see you later then."
"Okay, Goodbye," I said.
I am absolutely in love! I hope something happens and Aaron doesn't move away. I need to think up a good reason for his mom to not want to move.
Valentines' Day was great. I thought there was going to be a dance today, but it is the twenty-first of February. Tonya has begged me to go to the dance with her so I said I would go. I will stay with Tonya and only dance with normal guys this time. Maybe I won't dance to any slow songs because of what happened with Donny. I seriously doubt anyone will ask me to dance anyway so there are no worries.
The day was just perfect. First of all when I woke up my mom told me we were going to exchange our Valentines gifts. My mom and dad bought me a beautiful green blouse with tiny yellow flowers on it. They also bought me a beauty case that had a lot of make-up in it that I am just dying to try out. Brenda bought me a ceramic puppy that was holding a Valentine that said, "Be mine" on it. Victoria bought me stationary with hearts and flowers on it. It was really beautiful. They all seemed to like my gifts also. Especially the valentines I made. Victoria even got tears in her eyes when she looked at some of the pictures I chose to put on her Valentine. I think my mom bought her presents at Brenda's work because the shirts looked like something that would come from her clothes store.
At school I decided to be nice to Tom since it was Valentine's Day. When he came up to me to talk to me I acted like I was interested in what he was saying and I even thanked him for the Valentine's telegram he sent me in my history class. We have this really neat thing we do at school where we can send each other a telegram in class for a quarter. They also give the person some kind of a treat with the telegram. Today we got Valentine suckers. They were really cute, but tasted way too sweet.
Mr. Bennett came up to me in class and told me he had to give me a U in science because I was goofing off so bad, but if I straightened out and was serious he would give me a better final grade. He said with the U and an A he could average me out to a high C. I told him I would try and do better. He gave me a big bear hug. So I guess I don't hate him anymore. It must be hard to be a teacher. Especially being a teacher in junior high.
Rachael told me that her mother wanted to take her and me to Disneyland on Saturday, her treat. Because Rachael's mom works at Disneyland, she can get us in free and she will pay for our meals. I hope my parents say yes, I think it will be a blast. I will have to save some of my babysitting money for souvenirs.
After school I went home to help my mom with our special Valentine's Day dinner. We made steaks, baked potatoes, corn (the frozen kind), and crescent rolls. We were going to have the chocolate cake that I made yesterday for dessert. I had put five hearts on the cake and I put all our names in the center of each one. My mom said it was very beautiful. I liked it.
Right before dinner the doorbell rang. It was Aaron! I was a mess too. I hadn't even cleaned up since school. My heart pounded so hard I thought for sure he could hear it.
"Hello, Kaitlyn," Aaron said.
"Hi," I said shyly.
"Ask Aaron in," my mother yelled.
"Would you like to come in?"
"Yes, this is for you." He handed me a box of candy with a little letter taped on top.
"Thank you," I said.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anything for him.
Aaron came in and we sat together on my couch. I looked at the box of candy. It was a box of See's. I knew this was expensive. I fiddled with the envelope.
"You can open the valentine if you want." Aaron said.
"Okay," I said. I opened the valentine. On the front were Sleeping Beauty and Prince Phillip; he was bending down to kiss her in the final scene of the story. On the front the valentine Aaron wrote, "All my kisses are for you." I turned it over and Aaron wrote, "Please believe me, this is true. Love, Aaron."
I felt my face grow hot. I looked at Aaron; we have similar coloring, blonde hair and fair skin, his face looked kind of pink, also.
"Thank you Aaron. This is so nice."
Aaron smiled. "I have to go do my paper route." He hopped up.
"Are you still doing your paper route, even with your broken arm?" I asked.
"Yeah, but I split the money with Ken. He helps me fold them and then he drives me so I can throw them one-handed."
"That was smart of you," I said smiling.
Aaron smiled back. "Thanks."
We sat there for awhile kind of goofing looking at each other.
"I better go," he said getting up.
"Okay, thank you again for the candy. It is lovely," I said shyly.
"Well, I'll be seeing you," he said going out the door.
"Bye." I said shutting the door behind him.
I was so happy. I just hugged the candy to me. I couldn't believe Aaron took the time and the money to get me such a nice present.
"Mom, look what Aaron bought me," I said, walking into the kitchen and showed her the candy. I was keeping the valentine to myself.
"That was really sweet of him. I always liked that boy; his mother belongs to my hearts card club," she said.
"I didn't know that," I said
I put the candy on the table to open with the family. I cannot believe Aaron would come to my house and bring me a present.
My father came home from work just as we finished preparing dinner. I thought that now was as good as any to ask about Disneyland.
"Dad, do you think I could go to Disneyland on Saturday with Rachael? It won't cost you anything. It's her mom's treat," I asked him as soon as he came in.
"Let me think about, and I'll tell you," my dad said putting away his coat in the front hall.
"All right," I said, not wanting to make waves on such a special day.
Then Victoria and Brenda came in from work within about two minutes of each other. They went into their room and changed their clothes. I decided to change into my shirt my parents bought me. I hurried into my room and changed my clothes. I was happy to see that my stomach was looking flatter.
I went back into the Kitchen. "Kaitlyn, that shirt looks a little big on you," my mom said when I came in.
"Oh, no," I said, "it's a medium and that's the size I wear."
"Maybe you don't wear that size anymore," Victoria said coming in the room.
My mom studied me, "You've lost some weight."
"I like it, I don't want to exchange it," I said. The last thing I wanted to do was go to Brenda's clothes store and try on a bunch of clothes. I always look like a whale in those clothing mirrors.
"It's very pretty on you," Brenda said coming into the kitchen next. She sat at the table. She had on her new blouse also. Hers was a silky red one that looked good on her with her light blonde hair.
"Thank you," I said.
"Let's eat," my father said as my mother put down the last plate of food.
Dinner was delicious and my cake tasted great. The whole family sampled my chocolate candy and said it was very nice of Aaron to give me such a nice Valentine gift. I was afraid I ate too much so I went into the bathroom to weigh. I couldn't tell if I had gained weight or not so I decided to throw up just in case. I ran the water, put my hair up, and got rid of my dinner. I felt that same rush of power I had felt before. I thought I was on to something here.
The only bad thing that happened today was at school with Joe Hill. I was just talking and joking and he threw some food at me. Well, I threw some coleslaw at him and hit this guy named Todd Paint in the face. Todd just looked at me and said, "You bitch. You're dead." I was stunned. I didn't even mean to hit him. What a creep, huh? Joe Hill, of course, thought it was funny. I should know better than to fool around with Joe.
Lying in bed I remembered about Rachael going to church with me Wednesday night and about my mom saying she didn't look too enthusiastic. I don't know what my mom wanted her to do. Maybe roll in the aisles like I've heard some people do. Sometimes my mom makes me so mad, does she not want me to have any friends? I just don't get my parents at all any more. I mean we can have a good night like tonight, where we all get along, and then they will try to get me to do something or go somewhere I don't want to go. I especially hate it when they try and get me to eat something I don't want to eat.
My parents said I could go to Disneyland with Rachael and I could also spend the night. Her mom took us because she was working that day. I was really excited because I thought her brother would be home. He wasn't though. All Rachael did was eat all night. I got sick just looking at her. She kept bugging me to eat, but I wouldn't. I wanted to have a good day at Disneyland and I knew if I pigged out, I would just hate myself. I don't understand how she can eat all the time and not look like a fat pig; if I ate like she does I would be wallowing in my fat. She is a little chubby but not like I would be!
Disneyland was a blast. We must have gone on every ride. Rachael showed me this really funny thing to do. There's this store that is like an old country store and they have a whole bunch of telephones in it. You pick up the phone and listen in and it's like listening in on a party line. It's hilarious. The women said the funniest things. They even act like they know you are on the phone and they get really huffy and hang up. We had so much fun listening to these phones.
We went on Space Mountain. It was kind of scary. We also went on Splash Mountain. That was fun. While we were in line at Splash Mountain, these three guys tried to pick us up. I really wasn't interested because I am so much in love with Aaron, but Rachael was going crazy. I told her later she could have all three and she said that was fine with her. Anyway, these guys rode with us on the ride and I ended up sitting between two of them like the meat in a sandwich. I don't know if it was on purpose but one of them kept touching my butt. They wanted to hang out with us the whole day, but I blew them off. Rachael was so mad.
Rachael and I started to go window-shopping. I don't know how it happened but we started ripping stuff off. It was so easy. I felt like there was nothing I could not get. At first I started ripping off little things, then, I even took a T-shirt. I would just walk out of the store with the item. No one said a word to me. Later, when I thought about all that stealing, it made me sick. I wanted to take everything back. Rachael said I was being a baby and there was no way we could do that. I asked her what her mother was going to say about all the stuff we had, and we didn't even have any bags. She said her mother didn't know if she brought any money or not. And she especially didn't know if I brought money. I still felt really creepy about the whole thing and I rented a locker and dumped everything in it, and left it there.
For lunch we went to the Carnation Restaurant to eat. Rachael's mom met us there. We all had hot dogs and they were really good. I was careful not to eat too much. I could have inhaled fifteen of those hot dogs though.
After lunch we went to listen to the Disneyland band. It was really good. Some people were going in the middle and dancing. I wanted to dance so badly, but no one asked me. No one asked Rachael either. Maybe we should have kept those three guys around after all! There was a real cute guy in the band. I am sure all the girls said this but it looked like he was looking straight at me.
We went and saw the Junior American Idols sing and dance. They were kind of good. I couldn't tell if the kids were younger or older than me. They all looked kind of young, but they sang about love and acted so much older, that I couldn't tell. One of the girls was really pretty and she had a great figure. I heard some guys talking in the audience about how they were going crazy for her. I don't remember when the show about the junior idols was on, but Rachael said it was great. She said some of the guys our age were really cute.
Those American Idol shows are getting old.
We went on loads of rides before dinner. We met Rachael's mom at the Mexican restaurant in Disneyland and I went nuts eating. I probably ate enough for three people. I was so sick afterward; I knew if I didn't throw up I would have to go home. I tried to sneak away while Rachael and her mom were talking. When Rachael asked to me if she could come, I said no that I wanted privacy. I could tell she thought I was weird. But I had to get rid of that Mexican food. It was so gross throwing up in a public bathroom, the toilet water and throw up hit my face, I think I threw up for real.
That night we went and saw the fantasy parade. There was this very handsome Prince on a fantasy horse and he waved at me, I waved back and then he blew me a kiss. What a cutie. It was beautiful. I would just love to play Sleeping Beauty and have Aaron play my prince like in my Valentine. Although I have never kissed Aaron in real life, I have kissed him many times in my dreams.
I was so tired when we got home. My mom said Aaron called three times while I was gone. I went to bed thinking about him. I wanted to call him back, but I was a little scared to. I didn't know what he wanted from me right now. I know he broke up with Debbie because she was pushy, I didn't want him to think I was being pushy by calling him, also I didn't want him to be on the rebound. I still didn't know who broke up with whom. That would make a difference to us. I mean if he broke up with her, then that meant he wanted to move on, but if she broke up with him, maybe he was looking to get even with her. Or if she broke up with him maybe he would go back with her if she wanted to. I feel so mixed up about this.
Before I went to bed tonight something happened that made me feel bad. The phone rang and I picked it up. It was for Victoria. I went to her room to get her. I could tell she had been crying. I felt so horrible. I had thought she was getting so much better. Her face was all blotchy like she had been crying for quite awhile.
"The phone's for you," I said.
"Is it a guy?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Tell him I am not home." .
I nodded and went back to the phone.
"I guess she wasn't home after all," I said.
"Tell her Sandy Beach called."
"Okay," I said and hung up.
I went back down the hall and went to Victoria's room.
"That was Sandy Beach," I said.
"I figured it would be," Victoria said. "I met him today while I was canvassing. He seemed nice, so I gave him our number, then later I was sorry."
I didn't know what to say. I just hugged her and told her good night. I wanted to ask her to come and sleep in my bed again, but I didn't want her to think I thought her behavior strange. She is acting odd. I hate seeing her cry. It breaks my heart. If I could I would go to that Marine base and kill that guy who raped her. I really would.
It has been really hard for me to get to sleep lately. I probably lay there an hour before I can sleep. I have never had insomnia before. It is the pits. I lie there and try to count sheep. I even count backwards from one hundred down to one. My old standby of thinking about Aaron and our life together after we marry doesn't even work. I have been thinking about asking my mom for sleeping pills, but I heard that once you are addicted to those it is really difficult to get off of them.
I am so glad we had a dance tonight because I was kind of sad at school today. We were picking teams for softball and these girls that are really good didn't pick me to be on their team. They weren't mean about it or anything they just didn't pick me. I decided to make the best of it and be real nice to the team that picked me. They were a bunch of seventh graders. We did end up having fun, because a girl named McKenzie was on our team and she is really fun. We were making fun of the other team by saying they were bad hitters and stuff. We chanted that song; we want a pitcher not a belly itcher. The girls from the other team were getting pissed off because we kept laughing.
Later I was really glad Tonya talked me into going to the dance. That night before the Valentine's dance Tonya, Randy, his brother Mark, and I went into Jack in the Box. We were getting kind of rowdy throwing food and talking really loud. I couldn't stop laughing. The manager came over and told us to be quiet. We kept being loud and the manager kicked us out.
At the Valentine's dance, I slowed danced with a lot of boys. It was fun. Randy asked me to dance and I said yes. He's short like Donny Wong, but not as perverted. Tonya danced a lot with Randy. They acted like they were in love.
I have always felt sort of obligated to Randy because one time Tonya, he and I were walking home and he was being really silly and I wet my pants. He never told anyone. I know he never told his brothers because they would have teased me horribly about it.
Mark, Randy's brother, asked me to dance about six times. I was really getting used to dancing with him. Mark is very good looking, but he is chubby like me. I feel very comfortable with him. He wanted to stop at the snack bar and eat a lot though. I told him I was full from Jack in the Box. He said I hardly ate a thing, but he dropped it. Tonya, Randy, Mark, and I stayed together most of the night. I don't know if I stayed with them because Randy's mom was taking us home, or I just felt comfortable with Mark. Randy is really funny, (which is why I wet my pants before.) He kept telling us grosser-than-gross jokes. Some of them were sick.
Rachael didn't go to the dance. She said her dad wouldn't let her go on a school night. Now that I think about it, it was pretty cool of my parents to let me go to a dance on a Monday night. I guess they are still so concerned about Victoria that they are not thinking about me that much.
I wished Aaron were there at the dance though. It is a real bummer he's moving. Maybe something will happen and they won't move after all.
I felt a little weak at the dance. Maybe I was getting sick, I don't know. I was real happy to weigh one hundred and five pounds this morning. That means I lost twenty-five pounds. I only have five more pounds to go!
After the dance, Randy's mom took us home. When she dropped me off she said my house looked pretty. I thanked her and got out. Tonya looked so happy sitting next to Randy. She can't fool me. She doesn't like Kevin Bay. She's in love with Randy.
When I went in the house my parents and Brenda were screaming at each other. I looked out the window to make sure Randy and Mark's mom's car was gone. It was. Brenda tried to draw me in on the fight.
"Kaitlyn, don't you think I have a right to see my own husband if I want to?" I felt split in half. I didn't think Brenda should see Hugh anymore, but I wanted to be loyal to my sister.
"Well, Hugh was sort of mean to you the last time you were together," I said, "I mean he did beat you up, Brenda."
"Oh, go away. You are just like them. No one understands the relationship Hugh and I have," she screamed at me.
I left and went to my own room. What she said really hurt my feelings. I am not like my parents. I am nicer than they are.
Next Victoria came in my room.
"They've been going at it ever since Hugh called and asked Brenda to come over and see him this evening. Brenda wanted mom to drive her over, that's what started all this."
"I wondered what I walked into," I said.
"Hey, Aaron Miller called tonight."
My heart leaped.
"What did he say?" I asked.
"He asked if you were here and when I said you went to a school dance, he sounded sort of sad."
"Did he really?"
"Yeah, really," she said. She tugged my hair.
I smiled really big.
"I think he really likes you," she said.
When I got ready for bed I couldn't help thinking about Aaron maybe sounding sad because he was imagining me dancing with other boys. I was sort of pleased because there were many nights I would think about him and Debbie being together and I would want to die. I did have a wonderful time at the dance tonight, though. I think it was because I didn't like anyone there. Everyone I danced with was just a friend.
After school today Aaron came over to my house. I was barely home when he knocked on the door. I went out front with him to talk to him. He asked me if I had a good evening. I said that I had. I asked him what he did this weekend and he said he might get his cast off on Thursday. I guess his arm has really healed a lot. I told him I was glad.
"Um... Kaitlyn, I want to ask you something," Aaron said.
I felt butterflies in my stomach. "Okay."
"Would you be my girlfriend?" he asked.
"I have one question for you, before I answer," I said.
"All right," he said, his face looking cautious.
"When you and Debbie broke up, who broke up with whom? And why did you really break up?" I asked him.
"Hey, that's two questions," he laughed.
"Okay, I have two questions then," I said.
"Well, I broke up with Debbie," he paused.
"And," I said.
"And I broke up with her because she was getting too bossy. She wanted me to spend all my money on her and she hardly ever said thank you when I did buy her something." He looked disgusted. I was hoping I remembered to thank him when he brought me the candy.
"Oh."
"Well, will you go out with me?"
"Yes," I said, smiling.
"That's great," Aaron sighed, he really seemed relieved.
"Now I have a question for you." He smiled.
"What?" I asked.
"How many guys did you dance with last night?" he asked.
I laughed, "Oh, I guess not too many."
He grabbed me with his good arm and hugged me. He whispered in my ear, "Even one guy is too many." My ear tingled.
I pulled away, laughing.
"Do you want to go down to the school for awhile?" he asked.
"Okay," I said.
We had a really nice time sitting side-by-side talking under one of the huge oak trees at the school. He did try to kiss me a couple of times but I outmaneuvered him. He asked me why I was so shy. I told him, I had never really kissed a boy before. I had never French kissed a guy. I didn't think Tom Hogue's' peck on the mouth counted. Aaron said he would teach me how to kiss. Aaron wanting to teach me to kiss made me think of him and Debbie together. I got sort of quiet.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Did you and Debbie sleep together?" I asked him.
"You go right to the heart of the matter, don't you?" he asked.
"Yes. Did you?"
"Well, I wanted to, but she wouldn't," he answered.
I didn't know how I felt about that. I guess it was okay. At least they hadn't slept together.
Aaron put his good arm around my shoulders. He put his face close to mine. I knew he was going to kiss me. I waited and hoped my breath was fresh. He kissed me lightly on the lips the first time, and then he put a little more pressure on the second kiss. I didn't pucker or anything, I just let him kiss me.
"Pucker your lips a little," he said. I pushed my lips out a bit, but I was really stiff. "Relax," he said.
I tried to relax. He kissed me one more time and I tried to relax and pucker. This time he used his tongue!
"You'll get the hang of it," he said.
I wiggled away from him. (He acted so worldly). He laughed. I looked at my watch; it was time for me to go home for dinner. I couldn't believe how fast the time went by.
"I have to go in to dinner." I said
"Can I see you tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yes. I would like to see you tomorrow." I said.
After Aaron walked me home and said goodbye to me, I went in my room and grabbed my pillow and hugged it. I am absolutely in love. Kissing is just as fun as it looks on TV. I wish I could practice kissing.
I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed that these two old ladies kidnapped me and were trying to make me eat all kinds of food. I wouldn't eat it so they were forcing it down my throat. It was all sorts of food. The cakes and cookies were huge as they stuffed them down my throat. I decided to go ahead and eat it and then throw it up later. When I went to throw up the food wouldn't come up and I started getting really fat. I woke up feeling awful. I couldn't even look at the breakfast my mom made. She got mad, of course. I just brushed her off. I really didn't want to hear it.
When I told Rachael about Aaron and me at school she was overjoyed. She really is a good friend to be so happy for me. I am kind of glad Aaron goes to a different school. I would have been so embarrassed to see him today after all that kissing yesterday.
Last night when I was at home, I wanted Aaron to call me so badly. But he didn't. Maybe he is as embarrassed as I am. I was dying to tell someone in my family about how happy I was but the only person I would have told was Victoria and I knew although she would be happy for me she might say something to my parents.
I guess Brenda didn't go see Hugh the other night, but my parents can't keep her from seeing him forever, he is her husband. I wish he would leave her alone, and let her get on with her life. She is so pretty and there are so many men out there, she has to be able to find someone that will treat her decently.
Tonya didn't go to school today; I guess she's not feeling too well. I could not wait for school to end. The day was just in the way of my seeing Aaron. I could hardly believe he liked me. It seemed like I have had a crush on him for so long.
When I got off the OCTA bus at my bus stop, Aaron was waiting for me.
I was so happy to see him.
"Would you like to come to my house for a snack?" Aaron asked.
"Is that okay with your mom?" I asked.
"Yes, because she's not home. She took Gary and Chad to the doctor's."
"Okay," I said thinking Ken, his older brother, would be there.
Aaron took my books from me (how gallant, huh?) and we walked to his home. Ken's car wasn't in the driveway. I asked Aaron where he was and he said he guessed Ken hadn't come home from school yet. When we went in the house, I told him I had to call my mom and tell her where I was.
My mom sounded surprised that I was at Aaron's house, but she said I could stay.
Aaron got him and me some orange juice. I only wanted water, but I couldn't be rude. We sat on his couch and listened to a Janet Jackson CD. Her CD was pretty good. There's one song she sings that I really like it's about whether or not the guy she likes is man enough for her.
Aaron asked me if I wanted to see something. I said okay, but when he said it was in his room, I had reservations. He said it was okay; he would be a perfect gentleman.
His room was really nice. I guess he shares it with Gary. They had two double beds and each of them had posters over their bed of basketball stars they liked. Aaron or Gary has a picture of what's her name half naked above his bed.
Aaron walked over to his dresser and pulled the top drawer open. He took something out and put it in his hand. He walked over to me and showed me some barrettes.
"Do you know what these are?"
I looked at the barrettes and I smiled. They were the kind of barrettes that I wear in my hair. They look like bobby pins and on the end there is fruit. These were pineapple, but I have all kinds of different barrettes with fruit on them. Apples, Grapes, and Oranges I was pretty sure I had some pineapple ones.
I asked him, "Where did you get these?"
"One day when we were playing basketball you dropped them and I picked them up."
"Why didn't you give them back?"
"Because I didn't want to," he smiled.
I smiled back at him. "You can have them if you want."
"Thank you." He put them back in his drawer.
While we were in his room I heard someone get home. I was hoping it was Ken, no such luck; it was his mom with Gary and Chad.
I was so embarrassed to come out of Aaron's room, but I had to, there was no where else to go. Slowly I left Aaron's room. Chad and Gary smirked at me. Aaron's mom looked surprised to see me.
I shyly said, "Hello, Mrs. Miller".
"I haven't seen you in awhile," his mom said.
"I've been around." I said.
"Yes, so I see."
I felt my face grow hot. I turned to Aaron; his face was red, too.
"Well, I better go, Aaron." I said going to the door.
"Say hello to your mother for me," Mrs. Miller said.
"Okay. Goodbye."
"Goodbye." His mother said.
"Bye Kaitlyn." Chad said waving at me.
"Yeah, bye Kaitlyn." Gary said as he twiddled his fingers at me.
"I'll walk you home." Aaron said to me.
Walking home I didn't want to look at Aaron. Finally Aaron said, "I'm sorry about back there."
"She didn't think we were doing, you know what, did she?" I asked feeling my face flame.
"No, she just wanted to let us both know she saw us come out of my room and she didn't approve. I will probably hear all about it when I get home," Aaron said.
"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have come over, with your mom not being there," I said.
"It's okay. I will talk to my dad and he will believe me when I tell I was just showing you something," Aaron said.
"Good," I said.
When we got to my house, Aaron walked me up to my door. He leaned toward me and kissed me on the lips.
"This is what I wanted to do in my room," he said.
I smiled and said goodbye. I walked in the house floating on air. When I saw my mom she asked if I had a good time and I said yes. She asked me what we did and I told her that we drank orange juice and listened to some music in his living room. She said that sounded like fun. I said it was. That orange juice sure tasted good too. I think I will go get some right now if we have any.
I feel so grown-up having a real boyfriend, but I also feel scared. He wants to kiss me and touch me all the time and I am not used to it. My family isn't big on hugging.
A new girl started school today. Her name is Diane, and she's very tall. She even has a twin brother who's tall as well. She took the OCTA bus with me this morning. She said the bus is closer to where she lives than the school's bus stop. I was surprised because all that is near the OCTA bus stop are stores, motels, and businesses. I didn't say anything about that though. She ended up being in my English class, and when I sat by her I noticed she kind of smelled. Not really bad, but a little like BO. I felt really bad for her, I wondered if she knew she had body odor. I mean she does lift her arms once in awhile. I wonder if I should tell her. I would want to know. I would want someone to tell me.
Tonya hasn't been to school for a couple of days now. I think she must be really sick. When I call her house there is no answer.
After school when I got off the bus today, I was hoping Aaron would be there, like he has been lately but he wasn't. Diane and her brother, Larry, started walking towards the motel section after they got off the bus. I felt really sad for them living in a motel. I guess it is better than living on the streets like some people do. When we go to the beach in the summer, we always see homeless people who camp out there and live.
I told Victoria about Diane when I got home. She said that maybe Diane could come over tomorrow. I said I would ask her.
Aaron called me and asked if I wanted to walk to the seven-eleven and get a Slurpee. I said I wanted to, but I had a ton of homework to do, which was really true. Mr. Bennett has been giving us homework and he has mentioned there might be a science club that some people who keep their grades up can join. He said they were going to go on a really fun field trip this summer. I wanted to go. I hadn't been doing my homework too much lately. It's not usually a problem, because I usually can get by without too much trouble with homework, but I wanted to do better in my science class and get a better grade than I did last quarter.
After I did all my homework I went in the living room and watched TV before dinner. Nothing was on but boring talk shows. I turned to one that I kind of like. Her name is Ricky Lake. She is pretty cool and she usually puts the loser guys in their place. Today's talk was about people who were fat and still thought they were really sexy. The audience was totally cruel. They were shuddering and making faces and telling these poor people how gross they were. They also were telling them to lose weight and stuff. I couldn't believe she would have a show about this. I know for a fact she recently lost a lot of weight. She had no empathy for these people at all and she let the audience say anything they wanted. One guy at the end who probably weighed four hundred pounds came on and said how gross these people were and they made him sick. Ricky said to him that if fat people made him sick, why doesn't he lose weight? He said he knew he was fat but he still was all that. Whatever! Ricky told him he should lose weight or someday he might have a heart attack. He said he has had three already. The audience booed him. I felt bad for him. I still think that those people were stupid to put themselves on the line like that. The last thing I would do is sit in front of bunch of people and let them tell me how fat and gross I am.
At dinner tonight, my dad started yelling at me about not eating any dinner. He told me that I had better start eating more or he would make me. I told him he's the one that started this. He wanted to know how much I weighed, I wouldn't tell him. He then forced me to go on the scale in front of everyone. When I got on the scale I weighed one hundred and three pounds. He pinched my upper arms and said that he guessed I was doing all right; I still had some meat on me. I went to my room and cried. Afterward, I threw up and then I exercised for over an hour. I went and sneaked on the scale and I was down to one hundred and one.
Sometimes I get scared when I think about my weight. Will I ever be thin? I thought that getting closer to my goal weight I would be happy, but I don't feel happy. When will I feel happy?
I saw Tonya at the bus stop today. She said she had been visiting her dad. He's been real sick. She'd had to stay home and take care of him. I told her I was sorry to hear about her dad. She said that he was okay now and so she can go back to school today. I asked her what sort of excuse was her mom going to use and she said she was going to say Tonya was sick. My mom would never lie like that.
On the bus today I asked Diane if she wanted to come home with me today. She said okay. I noticed that she had the same outfit on that she had on yesterday and today she smelled even worse than she did yesterday. Tonya kept making pinched up faces at me and looking toward Diane. Tonya can be so mean sometimes. I sort of wished she were still taking care of her dad.
I talked to Tom at school today. He told me he heard that I have a new boyfriend who's in high school. I asked him who told him this and he said Rachael had. I told him Aaron was my new boyfriend. He said that guys in high school usually want one thing. I told him I sure hoped not because he wasn't going to get it.
In my English class I noticed some people making gagging noises and pinching their noses as they went by Diane. I am sure she noticed but she acted like she didn't. People are so cruel.
In PE, I saw Cindy, Hugh's sister, she said that Hugh has been really depressed since Brenda and he broke up. I told her he should have thought of that before he started hitting on Brenda. She said that her dad hits her mom and that's all Hugh knows. I told her that's no excuse. He could go to counseling. She looked really sad. I wanted to ask her if her dad hit her, too, but I knew it was none of my business.
We had to stop at Diane's motel room to ask her mom if she could come over to my house. When Diane, her brother, and I walked into the motel I tried to act nonchalant about them living there. It was a one-room motel room with a bathroom. The bed wasn't made and her mom was sitting to the side on a wooden chair, and watching television when we walked in. I wondered where Diane's brother slept. Maybe they all slept in the same bed. Her mom was really polite to me and thanked me for inviting Diane to my house. She said it was fine if Diane came over, but she had to do her homework first thing when we got to my house. I said sure we would do that. She asked me what time Diane would be home. I told her I was sure she could stay for dinner, but if not we would call. She said she didn't have a phone in their room. I said that for sure Diane would eat with us and I would walk her home afterward. She said okay. Diane's brother kept standing around looking at me. I wanted to ask him over too, but I was too shy.
When we left, I was really glad to get out of there. Not that it was gross or anything, it just seemed so depressing.
So Diane and I spent the afternoon in my room doing our homework.
Later I went into the kitchen and got us some cranberry juice. I asked my mom if Diane could stay for dinner. My mom said that was fine, Diane could eat my share. I told her she was really funny. Victoria came in from work and I secretly whispered to her what happened to Diane at school.
"Does she wear deodorant?" she asked me.
"I have no idea," I said.
"Let me think about this, I will help you," she said.
"And, I don't think she owns more than one outfit. She wore the same outfit two days in a row." I grimaced. "I would offer her some of my clothes but she is so tall, nothing would fit her." I figured Victoria might have something Diane could have. Victoria must have thought of the same thing because she went into her room and I heard her going through her and Brenda's closet.
Back in my room I handed Diane her juice. Victoria came in once and I could tell she was checking out Diane. When she left, I could hear her going through her drawers also. She came back in a little while. She started out by saying that she wanted to take me shopping because she noticed my clothes were so big on me lately. I just looked at her. I didn't know what she was up to.
"How would you like to go shopping with me and maybe we can stop and get something to eat at Sunshine's?" Victoria asked.
"That would be fun. Can we go by Diane's place and ask her mom?" I asked.
"Sure," Victoria said.
We told my mom what we were doing, and she said she was glad she hadn't started dinner yet. She said that since Brenda was working late, maybe she could entice my dad to take her out to dinner. I got my babysitting money out of my drawer because Friday was Victoria's birthday and I wanted to get her something nice. I told Victoria I was ready to go and then we left.
When Diane went into the motel to ask if she could go to the mall with us I asked Victoria what we were doing. She said none of her clothes were skinny enough for Diane so we were going to go buy her an outfit.
Victoria said she didn't realize Diane lived in a motel. Diane quickly came out of her motel room and she was smiling, Diane's mother said she could come with us.
We had a great time at the mall. Victoria kept getting stuff out for Diane and asking her if she liked it. Diane was very passive and said she liked everything Victoria picked out. Victoria asked Diane if she could buy her an outfit. Diane said that would be great. They picked out a pair of red pants with a red and white shirt. It looked good on her. After we left the clothing store, Victoria said she wanted to go to Young's drug store. We went in and she immediately went over to the perfume and deodorant section. She told Diane that when she was in junior high she had to start wearing deodorant. She asked Diane if she had any deodorant. Diane said no. Victoria asked her if she could buy her one. Diane said sure. They picked out a Suave roll-on and Victoria paid for it.
"Your sister is really nice," Diane said to me.
"I know," I said, impressed with Victoria.
We went to Sunshine's and had wheat sandwiches. They were very healthy; they even had cucumbers in them. Diane looked embarrassed and ate little tiny bites. I ate tiny bites too so she wouldn't feel out of place.
I told Victoria that I wanted to go look at something for a little while and that Diane and I would meet her in about fifteen minutes. I went into Sears and quickly looked around for something for Victoria. I found a gold locket that was really beautiful. It had a rose on the front of it and when I opened it, it played the song, "You light up my life." I loved it. Although it was a little pricey, Victoria totally deserves it. I have never seen Victoria look this happy since her rape.
When we dropped Diane off, Victoria told her that she had a great time with her. Diane thanked Victoria and seemed very happy. When we drove away I told Victoria I was so proud to be her sister. Victoria just laughed.
When I am an adult, I want to help the poor. I would like to own a soup kitchen or maybe a home where abused children could live. I felt so good today, I didn't think about myself once.
Diane wore her new outfit to school today. I was really proud of her when she got on the bus. I could tell she took a shower because her hair looked different. She smelled good also. She really is kind of pretty with her hair clean and brushed. She seemed shy with me today, but that's okay. I think I would be shy too if someone's sister told me I smelled like BO (not that Victoria ever said it, but the implication was there!) and bought me a new outfit.
Tom was really nice to me at school. He asked me if I would go to the movies with him, just him and me. I told him I couldn't go to the movies with him as long as I was seeing Aaron. He told me he really liked me and wanted me to break up with Aaron and go with him. I told him he was too young for me. On the way home from school on the OCTA bus I heard someone yell, "I love you." I looked down from the bus and Tom was riding his bike really fast to catch up with the bus. I waved at Tom. What a goof.
Aaron called me when I got home and asked me to go skating tomorrow night. He said that today he got his cast off and he wanted to celebrate. He said his dad would drive us both ways. I told him I would ask my mom, but tomorrow was Victoria's birthday. He said maybe we could go after her party or maybe miss the party. I told him I would ask and call him back.
When I asked my mom if I could go skating with Aaron she asked me if I was getting serious with him. I told her we were just seeing each other. She said to be careful (because I had told her once that he was sleeping with his girlfriend Debbie). I reminded her that she knew I wanted to be a virgin, like her, when I got married. My mother was eighteen when she got married and my father had to tell her about sex. I always thought her innocence was so romantic. Brenda and Victoria always said it was gross. I don't know why.
Anyway, my mom said that if Victoria didn't mind me missing her family party she didn't see why I couldn't go. So I had to wait for Victoria to come home. When Victoria came home, I asked her if she minded me going out on her birthday and she said it would be no problem. She even said I didn't have to wait around for the cake. She said she would have gone out too if she hadn't felt so depressed. This made me feel bad, but I still wanted to go. I called Aaron and told him I could go. He was really happy.
At dinner my dad told me he'd heard I had a big date tomorrow night. I told him it was no big deal. He asked if Aaron was paying. I said I thought so. He said he guessed Aaron wasn't like Tom Hogue who made me pay my own way at the movies. I asked him how he knew about that and he said a little bird told him. I looked at Victoria. She looked embarrassed. I wanted to take her locket back. Later, I asked her how she could betray me like that. She said that she thought it was funny, so she told my mom and dad. I felt very angry so after dinner I went and took a bath. Thinking about Victoria's betrayal, I got rid of my dinner by throwing up. I knew I would never confide in her again. How could she be so sweet yesterday? I felt bad about finding out she was laughing at me.
When I got out of the tub and went to bed, Victoria came to my room. She told me she was very sorry she told my mom and dad something I had wanted to keep secret. I remembered then that she had told them before the rape. I told her I forgave her and she gave me a hug. We were friends again. I asked her why Brenda has been working so late these past few days and Victoria said that's a secret also, and if I promised not to tell she would tell me. So I promised I wouldn't tell. She said that Brenda was seeing Hugh again. She said that the reason he was hitting her was because he was snorting coke and he promised not to do that anymore. I rolled my eyes. I told her I sure had seen that a lot in the talk shows I watched. The abuser always promises, but then they go back to the hitting again. She told me life was a lot different than the way it's portrayed on talk shows. She acted really grown up when she said that. Tomorrow is her birthday; she's going to be eighteen. I couldn't wait until I was eighteen. I sure wasn't going to live at home. I was going to get out of this house quick. Then I remembered poor Victoria when she moved out. Maybe I'll stay here until I get married.
When I move out I am going to find a place that allows dogs and I will get a German shepherd puppy that will love only me. Then when he grows up he will protect only me from all the bad guys.
I felt scared today when I saw the news. There was a girl who got killed. She was only eleven. She was walking home from a slumber party. The guy grabbed her at a car wash that wasn't opened or something like that. I am never going to take the shortcut when I go home from Tonya's house anymore.
Skating was heavenly. I had such a great time! Aaron's arm looked so good. It was kind of white where his cast was and it looked hairier than his other arm, but it looked like it healed okay. Aaron can skate wonderfully. I am sort of coordinated when I skate, but he can do all the fancy stuff. There were many rounds for skating couples. I just loved it when Aaron put his arm around my back when we skated. He told me he could tell I've been losing weight. I was glad. Luckily, I didn't have to pay attention to my skating at all and I could focus on him. I felt like I was floating on air. He really was very strong.
I had one problem at the rink. When I was skating by a girl playing a game of pinball I accidentally bumped into her. She turned around and slapped me in the face. She said I tilted her game. I was about to hit her back when this guy she was with said he would kill me if I touched her. I didn't tell Aaron because he had just gotten his cast off his arm and I knew he would try and defend me and he might break his arm again. I went in the bathroom and washed my face and I had a little red mark on it. There was a friend of mine who goes to my school in there. She said she saw what that girl did to me. The girl who hit me is named Sam and she goes to my school. I have never seen this girl and my school isn't that big. My friend from school said she ditches a lot and is in trouble most of the time. She knows her because she takes their bus. I said I never wanted to see her again and she said she understood. My face felt hot in the place she hit me.
Aaron asked me what was on my face when I came out of the bathroom. I told him I bumped the door. Aaron kept asking me to eat stuff and I kept telling him no thank you. I did eat a lot of Tic Tacs though so I would have fresh breath if Aaron tried to kiss me. Later when his dad took me home Aaron walked me to my door, and he kissed me lightly on the lips. It was magical. I hurried into the house after we kissed once. I didn't want my dad to look out the window and see us kissing or I would have kissed him all night. He is such a doll. I am so crazy about him
Victoria was up when I got home. She said that she was reading a book. Her eyes looked red like she had been crying.
"Did you have a nice time?" she asked me.
"It was wonderful. How was your birthday party?"
"Oh it was just like always; we had cake." .
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, but I am a little blue tonight. I guess I had always thought my eighteenth birthday would be this spectacular thing. It was sort of a disappointment,"she said.
"Well, I haven't given you my present yet," I told her.
I went into my room and got the little package I made up for Victoria. I had put some Hershey's Kisses in it and the locket. I brought the bag out to her. I also made her a mushy homemade card on my dad's computer.
Victoria looked in the bag and she took out the locket. She opened it up and it played the song. Victoria burst into tears.
I had put a picture of her on one side and me on the other. It was when we had on matching Easter dresses when we were little.
"I just love it," she said.
I got tears in my eyes too. I went over and hugged her and told her I loved her. She said that this was the nicest gift anyone had ever given her. I told her there was more and I dropped the kisses from the bag into her lap. She laughed.
I told her how nice Diane looked in her new outfit. She wore it again today. I feel so sorry for her. I know she doesn't have many clothes. I wish I were tall; I would give her all my clothes.
Before I went to bed I weighed myself. It looked like I was weighing below one hundred. When I was in bed I felt my body all over to see if I could feel any bones. My hipbones seemed to be sticking out a little bit. I went to sleep happy. I want to feel all the bones in my body. I wonder if that is normal. I lie in bed and touch my body all the time. Not in that way, I just touch my bones and stuff. I do it all the time, even, if I am just watching TV. I woke up hungry so I decided to write Chelsea a letter instead of pigging out!
Brenda is a mess. Hugh beat her up pretty bad this time. Not only did she have to deal with this latest beating, but she also had to deal with my dad about lying to him. She said she is a married woman and if she wants to see her husband she can. I hope she doesn't want to see him anymore. Her poor face is all cut up. He is such a big man. How could he hit her? She is half his size. At least this time she didn't try to defend him. She called him a louse and said she hated him. It seems like my family is falling apart. Victoria has been even sadder lately. She hasn't been the same ever since her birthday. I guess it's really been since the rape she has not been the same.
I have won two writing contests recently! The first contest I won was in Mrs. Simpson's class. We had to do a writing project. I read a book, and then I pretended to be the girl in the story and wrote it from her point of view. I won the contest and Mrs. Simpson gave me a chocolate Easter bunny. Yah! It's funny, so much has been going on I didn't even realize that Easter is just around the corner. It's early this year. I was really happy and proud to get the bunny. All that day a boy named Rich Shaw kept asking me if he could have the bunny. I told him no because I wanted to show my parents.
And did my parents seem proud when I showed them? Not really. Of course my dad had to tell me not to eat the bunny because of the fat content. I told him not to worry; I was going to save it my whole life. My mom said that she didn't want to see it in a few years. My mom did read the story though. She said it was good.
The other contest I won was an Archie Comics contest that I entered last December. I won six dollars and they are going to print my story in the next Jughead Jones issue of the comics. It is so exciting. I was really happy that I won. When I wrote the story I was kind of being silly because what we needed to write about was what the world would be like in the year two thousand and twenty-one. I thought a lot about how we, Americans, are really into recycling and I wrote about that. I tried to be funny. I guess it worked because the editors liked it.
I was so happy yesterday. Not only did I hit the ninety-nine mark for sure on the scale, but also Aaron gave me a little ring for my pinky that has a diamond heart in it. He said the ring is a promise ring. I asked him what I was promising and he said that I was promising to be his girlfriend even if he moved. I was so happy I kissed him myself. I was embarrassed later, but he seemed to like it.
Victoria asked me earlier tonight if I would like to take a trip to Phoenix, Arizona with her to see our grandparents. She said it would just be her and me, no one else. I told her I would love to go and she said my mom and dad already said it would be okay. We are going to leave a week from tomorrow morning. It will be such a blast! It is just as if I were a real adult taking a trip. I am going to ask my mom if I could have a few new clothes for the trip. All my clothes are too big on me. I can hardly keep my pants up. Yesterday I was running to catch the bus and my pants almost fell off. It makes me feel good to have my clothes so loose.
Today at school a weird thing happened. Tonya and I were sitting in the cafeteria picking at our tostadas and minding our own business when a girl came up to me and called me "Bitchen face". At first I didn't understand what was going on then I recognized her as being that mean girl from the skating rink, Sam somebody. She was referring to my tee shirt that said, "Baby face," on it. I just ignored her. Tonya asked me what that was about and I told her about the skating rink and that girl hitting me in the face. Tonya said she couldn't believe that I hadn't told her before. I told her I had wanted to forget the whole thing.
I called Aaron and told him about the Arizona trip. He said that he wished he were going with us. I thought that sounded like fun. He said he was just going to call me. He said that he just got a job at the Angel Stadium working the stands. He would sell peanuts and stuff up and down the aisles to people who were watching the game. I told him that would be fun. I also said it was a good thing his arm healed so well because I have seen how far some of those boys have to throw those ice creams and peanuts. He asked me to go to a game when I get back. I said sure. I couldn't wait.
Yesterday was so much fun. My mom and I went clothes shopping. I had talked her into loaning me some money, to pay for the clothes, until I could baby sit to pay her back. So now I have all my new clothes packed in my suitcase. I was very pleased to find out that I am now wearing a size five. I would never have believed it a few months ago. My mom was really surprised too that I had lost so much weight. I guess she hasn't been paying much attention to me since what happened to Victoria. Thank God. They were driving me crazy there for a while, always in my face. I have a new saying. If someone is bugging you and always near you, you say to him or her, "Don't get up in my grille." I don't know what it means.
Today, we left for Arizona at four in the morning and drove all day. We almost didn't get to go today. Last night, my grandmother called and spoke to Victoria. She said my grandparents aren't going to be around this weekend. They have to go to New Mexico to help my Uncle Charles with his divorce. Victoria said she understood and hung up. Our trip was canceled like that! And I had bought all new clothes! Everything was packed and ready to go. I couldn't believe our rotten luck. And then Victoria suddenly looked up and grabbed my mom's phone book. She dialed a number rapidly and asked for our Aunt Natalie. She is the cool aunt (my mother's sister and my favorite aunt who also lives in Arizona. She lives in a small town called Williams.) A few minutes later Victoria hung up and looked triumphant. Turns out Aunt Natalie said yes, but her house is a mess. Victoria assured her that a messy house didn't matter to us. We were just two girls itching for a road trip.
So we started out at four o'clock this morning and drove for most of the day. We stopped once at McDonalds and once more at a gas station, but other than that we just listened to music and talked. I was in charge of the map and I am happy to say we never got lost, not once! The mountains and the rocks are just beautiful, especially when the sun hits the colors just right and you can see reds, oranges, and yellows. There sure was a lot of cactus! I was dying of thirst just looking at them!
We arrived in Williams at about three in the afternoon. I immediately fell in love with my cousin Nicholas. He is three years old and he is so cute. He looks a lot like my Uncle Sam who Victoria and I have secretly said is very good-looking.
My aunt wasn't even home when we got there. My Uncle Samuel was and he looked like he had been hurrying around. I think he was cleaning the house because it looked pretty good. Better than our house does sometimes.
Uncle Samuel said that Victoria and I were going to sleep in their little girl's room. They have a daughter named Katy who is ten. The room had bunk beds and he said that one of us could sleep on the top and one on the bottom. Katy was going to camp out on the living room floor. Victoria immediately claimed the bottom bunk. Uncle Samuel asked me if I still wet the bed. I told him no and I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed. I realized he was kidding. He always kids like that. I really like him.
When my Aunt Natalie came home from shopping she immediately made such a big deal about all the weight I have lost. She told me that I could be a model and she knew of some cute boys in Williams that would just love to meet me. I told her I had a boyfriend and I showed her my pinky ring. She said, "Ooh la la," and winked at me. Whatever that means!
We had pizza for dinner and I tried to get away with eating only one piece. But everyone at the table started making a big deal out of it so I ate more. I did have to get rid of it later though by vomiting. I hoped Aunt Natalie appreciated that I cleaned her toilet. It was too gross to throw up in so I used some Lysol on it, before I used it.
After dinner, we rented a movie called, "While You Were Sleeping." It was such a great movie. Victoria cried during the whole movie. Aunt Natalie kept sneaking looks at her. I could tell she was dying to ask about the rape. She didn't say anything to Victoria though, but later when I was coming out of the bathroom, she did ask me how she was doing. I said she has been better, but we thought she would make it. Aunt Natalie told me she was so shocked when she first heard. She said Victoria is such a beautiful girl; she shouldn't let something like this destroy her. I told her that I wouldn't let her be destroyed. She patted me on the arm.
When we were going to bed tonight and I was taking my shirt off Victoria told me that she thought I had lost enough weight. She asked me what I was weighing. I told her I weighed about ninety-five pounds this morning. She said for my body height that was too low. I told her that thirty pounds ago, I would have said the same thing, but I could still see how fat I was when I looked in the mirror. She looked at me funny and asked me where was I fat? I pinched my gut and showed her the flab. She said I was fat only in my head. I told her thanks a lot for calling me a fat head. I did my usual one hundred sit-ups and jumping jacks before going to bed and then I went in and weighed myself on my aunt's scales. Perfect, I weighed ninety-five. When I came back Victoria told me she was worried about me. I told her that was funny, because I worry about her all the time.
I am only doing a diet, just like everyone else does. A lot people don't like to look fat. People don't even like to eat fat. It grosses them out. I see people cut fat off their meat all the time. Even my dad tells the waitress to make sure the bacon is almost burnt. Victoria gags when she sees butter on her toast. No one likes to look at fat. Even on someone's body. Nobody likes to look at fat. Nobody does.
It's April Fool's Day! Today it snowed a little. It was just enough for us to go tobogganing. It was really fun. My cousins are a lot of fun. I guess three years isn't all that different in ages when you are cousins. And that Nicholas, I could just eat him up! We must have taken the toboggan up the mountain by their house a hundred times. I was soaked when we got back, but I couldn't feel it because I was so frozen. Victoria even seemed to be laughing a lot today. I really think this trip will be good for her. At dinner tonight, I wasn't going to let them bully me about what I ate so I tried to be as inconspicuous as I could. Luckily we had subway sandwiches and people just took what they wanted and no one was paying any attention to me.
I wrote Aaron a letter tonight. I told him I missed him. I also told him about the snow. I asked him if he liked snow. I love it. It is so quiet when it snows. It is nothing like rain or hail that just pounds the roof of your house.
When I was in Katy's room doing my exercises, Victoria, watched me from her bed, with her head resting on her hand.
"Why do you get such an intense look on your face when you are exercising?" She asked me.
"I have to do this. I don't like it, but I have to do it before I can go to sleep. I just set my mind to do it. I guess that is what probably makes my face look funny," I told her.
"Why can't you go to bed without exercising? Don't you think we exercised enough today with the toboggan?"
"No, that was fun. This is work," I said out of breath from doing my jumping jacks.
"How much did you weigh today?" She asked me.
"You sound like dad," I told her walking out of the room. I went in and weighed myself. It looked like I might have gained half a pound. I shut the door and turned the water on. I got rid of my dinner. I weighed again. Better. It was ninety-five. I went back in the room.
"Are you okay?" she asked me.
"Why?" I asked.
"I thought I could hear you throwing up."
"No, that wasn't me. Maybe the kids are fooling around." I felt scared.
She kept looking at me funny as I went and turned off the light. In the dark I swung myself up to bed. I was feeling a little dizzy. I knew I needed to sleep.
"Kaitlyn, you are not making yourself throw up, are you?" Victoria asked me in the dark.
"Of course not," I said, my heart pounding.
"If you are, it is a serious disease. I had a friend in high school that had it. It's called Bulimia. It is a binging and purging ritual that some girls get caught up in and you need help to get out of it, if that is what you are doing," Victoria said.
"That's gross."
"You would tell me if you needed help, wouldn't you?"
"Victoria, I hate to throw up. You know that. Whenever I am sick, I always cry if I throw up. Now leave me alone."
Later I got up and sat by my Aunt's window to look out at the snow. I liked the sound of that saying binging and purging. It sounded so perfect. I went to sleep tonight saying that name over and over in my head. I don't know if it is because I am sleeping in the same room with Victoria, but I haven't had insomnia on this trip. It probably is because of all the exercising I have been doing here. I have to remember that. If I exercise a lot I can sleep.
Later in the night I woke up because I heard Nicholas or Katy getting up to pee. I hoped I cleaned the bathroom up enough so there wasn't any throw up on the toilet.
My grandma and grandpa called today and asked for Victoria. They asked if Victoria and I still wanted to go to Phoenix and visit them. I guess my Uncle Charles is doing okay. Victoria said yes, of course. We would leave around noon and we would try and get there by dinnertime or so.
My Aunt Natalie seemed really sorry to see us go. I promised her that we would come back soon. As we were leaving my stomach started to hurt. I think I am getting the stomach flu. Later I thought I was going to be sick. It wasn't just a cramp.
My grandparents were so happy to see us. They made a big fuss over how skinny they thought I was. They are from the old school where they believe fat is healthy. We had this huge dinner that I didn't get to keep down. When I threw up this time it was so easy. I think I really am getting sick.
I did my usual work out before bed. I was really dizzy when I was through.
When I woke up this morning I knew I was really sick. I stayed in bed all day. My grandma took care of me like my mother never did. She would bring me chicken broth and seven up every few hours or so. She is the sweetest woman who ever lived.
I slept most of the day. I kept dreaming really weird and far out dreams. I felt like I was on drugs or something. I really felt like I was hallucinating.
My Uncle Dan and my Aunt Mary are coming over for dinner tonight. I hope I feel better so I can go in the dining room and see them. They have two kids: a boy named Steve and a girl named Erica. Their family is kind of cute. Perfect, one of each sex. This is my Uncle Dan's second marriage. He has two other kids with another lady, a boy and a girl. I have never met them. I guess a long time ago, my Uncle Dan left his wife and when she tried to get some money from him, he hid from her and my grandparents lied and said they didn't know where he was. I always thought that this was wrong. But what do I know? I am just a kid. All I know is I would never do that. I think it is wrong to bring kids into the world and then not pay for them. I see on People's Court that men and women do it all the time.
Later I was lying on my Grandma's bed and I thought about Aaron and I hoped that somehow he would stay in his house. Maybe something will work out and he can stay. His house is really fixed up though, so I am sure someone will want to buy it.
Later on Victoria came in and she didn't look too well. She said her stomach is killing her. Oh no. It looks like we have another patient in the sick room.
My grandma came in and said that since both Victoria and I are sick, my aunt thinks it would be a good idea if they stayed home. Oh well, I was sleepy anyway. I did get up and do my exercises though. I haven't eaten much, but I didn't want my muscles to get flabby from being in bed too long.
All night I dreamed someone was chasing me trying to get me to eat a carrot. I don't know why I wouldn't eat the carrot. Aren't carrots supposed to be good for you?
Victoria did have the stomach flu. She was even sicker than me. She puked her guts out until I think she felt it in her toes. It was a good thing I haven't been eating that much lately. I would be just like her.
We were sick for two whole days. My grandparents were wonderful. My grandpa sang us songs and played his guitar for us. He had this food song he would sing just so we would beg him not to because it made us sick. He would laugh and sing about this lady that went out on this date with this man and ate and ate and all he had was fifty cents. I just love my grandparents. We had an unusual visit with them, but I think it was restful to Victoria's mind. I am so glad that there is some peace in her heart.
When we were leaving my grandma called me into her bedroom. She was very angry. I asked her what the matter was.
"I saw what you did to one of my pictures," she said.
"How did you know it was me?" I asked her.
"No one else would have so little regard for my feelings," she said.
I felt horrible. I had never seen her so mad. Earlier in the day, I had found a picture of her and me last summer and I was so fat. I hurried and cut the picture up and threw it in the trash.
"I am sorry Grandma," I said.
She hugged me. "Can you tell me why you did it?"
"I was just so fat and ugly in the picture, I was ashamed for you to have it in the house." I said in tears.
"You were never fat or ugly. What in the world has made you think this?" She asked me.
"The mirror," I said.
"Oh, honey, you are so thin now, I am worried about you. I am going to tell your mom to take you to the doctor." She said.
"No," I said fiercely, "I don't want to see any doctor."
My grandma just hugged me and said life sure was hard when you were a teenager, everything is so important. I asked her to please not say anything to my mom. She said she would think about it. I knew she would tell my mom though. My mom told me one time, that her mom never disciplined her she just told on her a lot and her dad did the spanking.
The trip home was sure different than the trip out. For one thing it was shorter and another we didn't stop once to eat because we were too sick.
I hope my Grandma doesn't tell my mom about that picture.
When I got home Aaron came right over. He said that his mom and dad found a house and someone wanted to buy his house and that his family was moving for sure. I was so sad. He said they weren't going to move too far. His dad found a house about thirty miles away. That seemed pretty far to me. He said he would be getting his driver's license soon and he would get a car and come and get me all the time for dates. I thought that sounded like fun. I hope my dad goes for it. I asked him about his new job at the stadium and he said he would have to get another one when they move. He was sad because this one sounded like so much fun. He bought me a bracelet. It is so beautiful. It is a thin gold one that was just perfect for my wrist. I don't think it would have fit me thirty pounds ago. Make that forty. I hit below the ninety-pound mark when I got so sick. I hope it sticks.
Aaron asked me if I was feeling okay and I said that I had had the stomach flu. He said that was funny because he had had it also while I was gone. Well, we must have caught it some place together. Aaron said he had to get back home because his family was in an uproar over this move and they were going to discuss some things.
The day after tomorrow is Easter Sunday. Tomorrow my mom is going to take me to get a new Easter outfit. I can't wait.
A lady called and asked me if I would like to babysit tomorrow night. She said I could bring a friend. I was so glad that I accepted right away. Here was a chance to pay off some of my bill that I owed my mom for the clothes I bought for my trip.
I called Rachael when I went in the house and I asked her if she wanted to come and baby sit with me tomorrow night. She said that sounded like fun and maybe we could bring some eggs and dye with us and we could color eggs. I said that sounded like fun. I haven't done that in about five years. I asked my mom if Rachael could spend the night and she said yes. When Rachael's mom said yes also we were really glad. Sometimes Rachael can't do stuff so this will be cool.
Brenda hasn't been home since Victoria and I came back. My mom said she is just about living with Hugh right now. This makes me sick. He is such a creep. I probably have only said about three words to him since I've met him.
My mom said my grandma called and told her that she was worried about my weight loss and that I have it in my mind that I am fat and ugly even though I am not. I told her grandma didn't waste anytime telling on me. She said that grandma loved me and she was genuinely worried about me. I told her to tell grandma that I am okay. A lot of girls diet now a days. She was just used to plumper women in her day. My mom also asked me why I destroyed Grandma's property. I rolled my eyes at her.
"It was one picture."
"Grandma said she loved that picture."
"I will take another one at Easter and send that one to her. Will that make it better?"
"You look even thinner than you did before you left. I think I will take you to the doctor's next week."
"No," I yelled. "You can't make me go."
I ran in my room and slammed the door. I wished they would all leave me alone. It is no one else's business how much I weigh. This is my body. Speaking of which, I started my stupid period tonight. I was totally late like almost a month. I have never heard of someone being that late before unless they are pregnant. I am glad I don't have to worry about pregnancy. I would just hate to be late on my period and know I had sex and I had something to worry about.
I noticed today that my bra kind of sagged on me. I told my mom. I hated asking her after she loaned me the other money and all but I had to ask her if we could get another one. She told me this diet was getting expensive for her. I told her that was unfair because I don't eat as much as I used to eat and so that should help the food bill. She said with both my sisters home she hasn't noticed. Great! Anyway she said she was thinking about getting me a new Easter outfit this year. Not a dress but a nice pants suit or some pants and a nice shirt. I was so glad. I just love new clothes.
We went to the mall to get my outfit. I wanted to go to this store that only fits sizes, five, seven, and nine. I know this because that is the name of the store. We went in there and the saleslady was all over me trying to get me to buy this or that. I finally found a pair of white pants and a yellow blouse. The only problem was the size that fit me was a three and my mom started having a fit about not buying that size because if I gained my weight back, I wouldn't be able to wear the outfit. I told her didn't she understand, I was never going to weigh one hundred and thirty again. She looked at me like I was odd, she did insist on taking the receipt in case I needed to exchange the outfit.
In the afternoon I decided to do my exercises because I knew I wouldn't be able to do them at the babysitting job. I was working up a real sweat when my mom came in.
"I think Grandma is right. I think you should go to a doctor. I don't think it is good for your heart to have lost so much weight in such a little amount of time. Also, I think you've lost enough weight and he needs to give you some sort of diet that will show you how to maintain your weight instead of you keep losing weight," she said.
"I hate doctors. I don't want anyone poking around on my body. Please leave me alone," I said.
"Honey, I can't leave you alone on this. I don't think you are using the right judgment on this. I think you need help," she said.
I sat down on my bed and wiped the sweat off my forehead.
"Honey, why are you so afraid of doctors?" she asked me.
"I am just afraid he will tell me something I don't want to hear."
I was also afraid he would be able to tell I was throwing up.
"I will find a good doctor that specializes in this kind of thing. I think dad's insurance will cover this," she said.
"I am sorry that you have to worry so much about money, mom."
"That is not for you to worry about," she said kissing me on my sweaty brow.
"You better go take a shower before you catch a cold. You might have a low resistance right now because you were just sick."
While I was taking my shower I felt my body all over. I could definitely feel my ribs and my hips were more pronounced. It did sort of bother me that I was losing some of my boobs, but in a way I was glad, maybe the guys at school will stop making comments about my stuffing my bra.
Babysitting was unusual. We brought all our hard boiled eggs and dye and Rachael even got some jellybeans. The kids we watched were kind of bratty. They acted like dying eggs was for babies. The girl was sort of okay but the boy was a real pain. He kept mouthing off to us. I was about ready to pound him. My head was hurting and to top the night off he had a pet snake. It was huge and ugly. He said it ate rabbits. Yuck. His mom must be nuts. Around three in the morning, their mom calls and says she is too drunk to come home and would we mind spending the night. What could we say? I told her I had to call my mom and tell her and I would have to call her back. My mom told me to tell this lady tomorrow that this is the first and last time I will be babysitting for her. When I called the lady back and told her what my mom said, she said she understood and she would pay us really good for staying the night. I was sure glad Rachael was already spending the night at my house. I could just imagine what her father would have to say about all this. We both found spots on her couch and tried to sleep. It was miserable! I dreamed of that stupid snake all night. I felt so bad for those poor rabbits. I hate the food chain! I am just glad we are at the head of it!
The next day the lady came in about seven in the morning. She looked like death. She came home in a taxi. She had the taxi guy wait for us to take us home. Rachael and I were so surprised. She gave him thirty dollars to take us home. She then handed me thirty dollars for the night. I hoped she had sixty dollars worth of fun. She apologized all over the place. Rachael and I just wanted to get out of there.
On the way home Rachael asked me if she had money for a taxi this morning why didn't she use it last night. I told her maybe she was earning the money last night. Rachael laughed.
Rachael didn't want to split the money with me because she said it was my job, but I insisted. She was up as late as I was and she had to deal with those brats just as much as I did. I gave my mom the fifteen dollars. She was glad.
I think that lady was a hooker. She looked like she had a hard night. She kind of smelled too. It was a combination of cigarettes, beer, and sweat. I know that is gross, but what else could she have been doing all night? I mean you can just drink so much, right? Then you get sick and puke, right? Oh, I will never know all the answers.
Easter was okay. I ended up sleeping through most of the day. My mom gave me a See's Easter egg with a pink flower on top of it. It was a chocolate butter one. I put it beside my Easter rabbit that Mrs. Simpson gave me. Aaron came by and brought me a huge stuffed Easter chick. It is really cute. I think it weighs ten pounds. I had a little Easter basket for him. All it had in it was some candy and a little stuffed Easter rabbit. He was very nice about my gift. I just loved his. He had some very sad news for me. He told me he was only going to stay in the house that he lives in right now for three more weeks. The people who bought his house requested a short escrow (whatever that was).
"What about school?" I asked him.
"Ken is going to drive all of us to school until the end of the year."
"Well, at least you don't have to change schools during the year."
"Gary and Chad are pretty upset because next year is their senior year and they don't want to have to change schools. But my mom and dad feel that to drive all that way for a few weeks is okay, but a whole year would be ridiculous."
"I didn't know Gary and Chad were in the same grade."
"Yeah, Chad flunked the fifth grade. It was so awful for him. The kids teased him horribly about it."
"That's sad."
"Do you want to go down to the school and walk around?" Aaron asked me. He put his basket in my garage.
It was getting kind of dark, but I decided to go anyway. I wanted to spend as much time with Aaron as I could before he left. Aaron held my hand the whole way to the school. Even though it was the first of April, I was chilled. When I shivered he asked me if he was that exciting. I laughed. He was pretty exciting and it was getting dark and dusky. Aaron and I walked to a secluded part of the school where the teacher's lounge is. There is kind of a nice area with benches and trees. It looks sort of like a small park. I knew Aaron was going to kiss me as soon as we couldn't be seen from the street. When he did it was exciting.
I like kissing Aaron, but it makes me nervous also. He seems to want something more than I was ready to give. He wanted to kiss the whole time we were at the school, but I pulled away after awhile and tried to get him to talk. We talked a little and then he wanted to kiss again. When I pulled away the second time, he asked me what was wrong.
"I can't explain this really well, but all this kissing is a bit too much for me," I said.
"Don't you like to kiss me?" He asked.
"Yes, I like kissing you, but I want to do other things too."
"Oh like this," he said as he reached for my chest.
"What are you doing?" I screamed at him.
"I was only kidding," Aaron said.
I wrapped my arms around my upper body. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there.
"Kaitlyn, loosen up, I just want a little affection," Aaron said, "I am just going to miss you so much."
"I am going to miss you too," I said.
I noticed it was darker than dusk so I said that I guessed we better leave so I could get home before I got in trouble.
Aaron asked if I was mad at him and I said no. I was kind of shook up though. Aaron had never tried touching me anywhere private before. I felt a little like I could not trust him anymore. Aaron kissed me lightly on the lips when we said goodbye. I remembered to thank him once more for the baby chick. I went in the garage and got his basket. He thanked me also. When he left I felt very empty and sad.
My mom asked me if I was okay when I got in. I said I was fine; it was Aaron that was strange. She wanted to know what I was talking about. I told her it was nothing: we just had a misunderstanding. At least that was what I thought it was.
There was a knock at the door about three in the morning. I sleepily went to the door to see who it was. I could see Brenda through the window in the door.
"What are you doing?" I asked her, opening the door.
I noticed she looked horrible. Her face was all blotchy and I could tell she had been in a fight.
"Hugh almost killed me this time." She said coming in.
I shut the door behind her.
"Look at my neck. He tried to choke me," she pulled her hair away from her neck to show me. There were red marks on her neck that looked like finger marks. I could tell they were going to bruise because they were already sort of purple.
I pulled Brenda to me and hugged her. She started crying. I knew she was going to wake the house up because when Brenda cries she howls.
"It's over this time, I swear. I really didn't think I would get away from him this time," Brenda said.
My mother came in pulling her robe around her.
"Hugh again, huh?" she asked.
"He tried to kill her this time," I said.
"Brenda, aren't you ever going to learn?" My mom asked.
"This time I learned," Brenda, said, "I learned he has been dealing with some big time drug dealers in Los Angeles. He wanted me to do a drop for him and when I wouldn't he did this." She said showing my her neck.
"Kaitlyn, I think you better go to bed," my mom said.
"I don't want to," I said.
"You have to go to school tomorrow and Brenda and I need to talk. So off to bed," my mom said.
"I want to hear this," I said.
"Nope, go on to bed."
I gave in only because I didn't want to upset my mom anymore than she needed to be at this time. I kissed Brenda good night and went to bed. Victoria came in my room and asked what was going on. All I had to say was Hugh and she nodded and went to bed.
I hope Brenda will learn this time. It seems like I would have learned a long time ago. I would have learned with the first smack. That is all I would ever need. One punch, one smack and I would be so out of there. What the heck is the matter with her? Can she really love him that much? He is so despicable. And he is certainly unlovable. Why would she do this to herself over and over again? I really do not understand.
I was so sleepy at school today because of being awakened by Brenda. When I got home my mom was cooking. I asked her why she was fixing dinner so early and she said because she had slept most the day and missed lunch so she was hungry for dinner. She said Brenda was still sleeping. Yeah I bet she was sleeping. If I were her I would sleep for a week. I went into my room and did my homework. Later, my mom came in and said she made an appointment for me to see this doctor in three weeks. He wanted me to write down everything I ate during this time. She gave me a folder.
"Sure, Mom," I said, turning back to my homework, hoping she would go away.
"I am very serious about this, Kaitlyn. He said it's very important for him to know your eating habits."
"I said okay, Mom. I really have this homework to do."
I turned back to my homework, but I could feel her staring at me even though my head was down. Finally I heard my door close. Sheesh!
After I was done with my homework I was in my room working on some things for my walls when Brenda came in.
"What are you doing?" she asked me.
"Making posters," I said.
She grabbed one of the posters off my desk.
"What are all these pictures of food?" She asked me looking at the poster I made up of food I cut out of magazines.
"They are foods I cannot eat."
Brenda slapped her head with the palm of her hand.
"Mom, come in here," Brenda called.
"What are you doing?" I said grabbing the poster out of her hand, "This is my private property."
My mom walked in drying her hands on the apron in front of her.
"Girls, what's going on?" She asked.
"Look what Kaitlyn's doing. Look at these pictures she made," Brenda said.
My mom came over to my desk and looked through my posters.
"Kaitlyn, what are these?" she asked.
"They are posters I made of the food that I am not allowed to eat. And they are mine and no one else's business," I said to Brenda.
"Mom, I think she is really sick. I noticed last night when I hugged her I could feel all her bones. I think she has that disease anorexia. Girls her age sometimes get it," she said.
"Who are you to be talking about being sick?" I asked, "Here you are, letting your husband use you as a punching bag all the time and now he tries to kill you. You're the one who's sick." I yelled at her.
Brenda started crying. "You will never understand why I am with Hugh," she said.
"So you are still with him?" I said.
"Not anymore," she said.
"Yeah, sure, we've heard that one before."
My mom took my hand and sat me down. "Why do you feel you need to make these posters?"
"To get the control I need. I don't want to forget and eat something that I am not supposed to. This helps remind me," I said.
"Kaitlyn, I am very worried about you. I'm definitely going to keep that appointment with the doctor, in fact I am going to call him and see if we can see him earlier."
"Why can't you all leave me alone? This is my body," I screamed grabbing the fat on my tummy. I started scratching my stomach and my arms. "I am fat and ugly and it's got to go!"
Brenda ran over and grabbed my hands making me stop scratching.
"Kaitlyn, stop it," she screamed.
"Kaitlyn please," my mom said.
They both hugged me and I started to cry. "We love you, Kaitlyn, and we are just worried about you. I will make a deal with you. If you try to eat what this doctor tells you, I won't see Hugh anymore. Maybe we can help each other."
"No," I screamed. "I don't have to eat anything I don't want to. Why do you all want me to be fat?"
"Kaitlyn, please calm down," my mom said, "I think all this is a bit too much for me. I am going to lie down."
When she left I told Brenda to please leave my room. When she did I put my head on my pillow and cried.
I didn't go in to dinner and everyone left me alone. I could hear my parents talking about me because I could hear my name and then a lot of talking. I decided to put my pajamas on and go to bed. I was exhausted anyway. I have been so tired lately. I think I am getting sick again. I hope not.
Why doesn't my family understand why I made those posters? I made them because I have so many foods I cannot eat. The posters will help me to remember what not to eat.
When my alarm went off today I could barely get out of bed. I remembered I hadn't done my exercises the night before and so I got up, put my sweat outfit on, and started doing them. I was up to about seventy-five when someone knocked on the door. I told whoever it was to come in. My father came in my room.
"Hey, Chubs, what is rocking the house?" he asked me.
"Just doing my jumping jacks," I said stopping.
"Kaitlyn, your mother seems to be very worried about you losing all this weight. I think you look great. I know all the boys are going to be knocking down our door, but your mom's afraid this is getting to be an obsession," he said sitting on my bed.
"I told her I would go to the doctor with her. I don't know what else she wants."
"I guess she doesn't want to have to worry about you. You know she has her hands full, with your two older sisters."
"I don't want her to worry about me," I said.
I started doing my jumping jacks again. He got the message and left.
Victoria came in and I had to stop again.
"I heard about the big scene last night," she said.
"It was nothing," I said.
"Let me see your arms and stomach," she said pulling up my shirt.
"Stop it."
"Wow, you must have been quite upset."
"Will you please leave me alone?" I said jumping again; I had to start over because I lost count. Victoria left but she bumped into my mom coming in. I didn't know what was going on around here. I thought I would never get to do my exercises.
When my mom came in, she apologized. She said she loved me and wanted the best for me. She said what Brenda said about anorexia scared her because she has heard of people dying from that. I told her not to worry, I didn't want to die, I only wanted to be thin. She gave me a notebook to write down everything I am going to eat until she could get me the doctor's appointment. I thanked her and put it down.
When she left I wrote down:
April twenty-first
Breakfast-one bowl of bran cereal with milk
One piece of toast
One egg
One banana
No one would know I didn't really eat that. I thought I got all the four food groups in.
I heard at school that there is a fast way people clean out their bodies. It's a fruit juice fast. I decided today to try it. I was going to only drink orange juice three times a day. I think people use all sorts of juice, but orange juice is the only kind of juice we usually have in the house.
I had horrible news today. When I was at the table drinking my orange juice and trying to make it last there was a knock at the door. My father went to the door to see who it was. I heard him use his professional voice and ask whomever it was to come in. It was two policemen. I thought it had something to do with Victoria's rape. It didn't. They asked to talk to Mrs. Davis. It was about Hugh. He was murdered last night. Some one shot him through his front window and killed him. They needed Brenda to come down to headquarters and identify the body. I honestly think Brenda would have gone with them if she wouldn't have fainted right then. It took the policeman a little while to revive Brenda. When she came to, she started screaming and crying Hugh's name. I could tell the policemen wanted to be any place, but there.
"Do you think you could get someone else to identify Hugh?" My father said. "His parents live in the area."
My father wrote down the address of Hugh's parents' house address and the policemen left. Brenda was still screaming.
I didn't go to school today, because we had to take Brenda to the hospital to get a sedative. The doctor wanted her to stay over at the hospital because she was hysterical and he wanted to look at her for twenty-four hours. I didn't want to say anything, but I was sure glad someone else was taking care of her.
The days that followed Hugh's murder were horrible. We kept getting phone calls from the police wanting Brenda to make a statement about Hugh's drug involvement, but even though Brenda was calm enough to come home from the hospital, she wasn't calm enough to do this. We had to go to his funeral, which was nuts. Everyone cried uncontrollably including Brenda. I think our family was the only ones who didn't shed a tear. I was glad they had a closed casket.
I saw poor Cindy, Hugh's sister, there. She really looked sad. I guess I would be sad too if my brother died even if he was a louse. There was no way I was going to stay for all that funeral food, so I talked my dad into leaving. I didn't have too tough of a time.
It turned out that the murder was drug-related; Hugh tried to stiff someone or something. Brenda was so lucky she was with us that night. They might have got her too. I told Brenda that and she said she didn't feel very lucky. She said that Hugh was the only man she ever loved. I tried to imagine loving Aaron so much that I would allow him to almost kill me by beating me. I couldn't imagine it. I think I would kill him first.
One good thing about all this hectic time is everyone is leaving me alone. My mom forgot to call the doctor and I am not about to remind her. I guess I will have to keep that one appointment. Maybe she'll forget about it.
I was trying to see Aaron as much as I could. It was difficult with him packing his stuff. It was also a pain because of all the agony at my house. I was embarrassed to have him come over. When we did see each other he was a good boy. I think he knew he scared me that one time at the school.
I have only drunk three glasses of orange juice a day for a week now. I am getting a strange rash on the back of my neck. Sometimes at night, the itching drives me crazy.
I weighed myself before I went to bed tonight and I weighed eight nine pounds. I went in my room and looked at myself in my full-length mirror. I could still see some pudgy areas on me. I would have thought a person weighing only eighty-nine pounds wouldn't have any fat on them, but I do. I am going to try and stay on this orange juice diet until I am finally thin.
Brenda seemed like a zombie tonight. I think it's because the doctor has her on some kind of downer medicine. She was real strange there for a while crying all the time. Now she just walks around, not sleeping, or eating. She looks really odd, sort of scary. I am really worried about her. Victoria said she is too. My mom is making a big fuss over her and she is babying her. I guess Brenda needs it because she just hangs on to my mom like a little kid. My dad hasn't been around much, he said he's at work, but I think he thinks this house is crazy. I don't blame him.
All the kids at school heard about Hugh. I guess word does get around. This one girl asked me if the reason I was getting so skinny was because I bought speed from my brother in law. I told her not to be stupid. Who's skinny anyway?
I haven't seen Cindy in about two weeks. I guess her family is trying to protect her from the stuff I am getting at school.
The rash on my neck is killing me. I didn't even want Aaron to put his arm around me last night when he came over, because it was so ultra-sensitive.
Two and a half weeks without anything but orange juice. I am getting so I cannot stand to even look at the stuff. I think my parents are getting suspicious though about my not eating. Brenda is settling down and not being such a pain so they now have time to check me out. Last night I gave my mom the "I ate so much for lunch routine" that she was hardly paying attention to me when Brenda was so zonked. And she told me that my doctor's appointment was in three days.
I weighed seventy-nine pounds today. I think I am almost at my goal weight. I can feel almost all my bones now and yesterday a man on the bus told me I had skinny arms.
We are supposed to go out to Sizzler tonight for dinner. We'll see how that goes.
Tom told me today that he thinks I am losing too much weight. I asked him how much could be too much. He said he didn't know, but I was getting too skinny. I told him to mind his own business.
I haven't been feeling too well lately. It is really difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes if I stand up too fast the world around me gets a little black. I wonder if that is what Brenda felt when she fainted.
I have been brushing my teeth like crazy. I am so afraid someone will tell me I have bad breath. I also wash my hands every time I see a bathroom. Since I haven't been feeling well, I am afraid of germs. Tonya told me she thinks I am going nuts. She told me about a cousin she has who washes his hands a lot. He got so bad he didn't do anything but wash his hands. I told her I do a lot more than wash my hands. She said she knew that, I also brush my teeth.
That girl Diane who lived in the motel moved away. Or I guess she did. I haven't seen her in awhile. I was glad Victoria was able to be nice to her while she was here.
Rachael wanted her and me to be in the spring talent contest. I told her there was no way I was going to go out in just a leotard with my fat body. She told me that I was getting ridiculous. She said she would see if Sara Day wanted to lip sync "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" with her. I told her fine. I doubted I would have had the energy for all that practice anyway.
I heard that Joe Hill and a few of his friends have joined a band for the talent contest. I bet they're pretty good. Joe has that bad boy band attitude. He probably thinks he'll be getting lots of girls.
Mrs. Simpson told me about another writing contest she has heard about. She said the winner gets five hundred dollars. She is going to tell me more about it tomorrow. I think it would be so cool to win that much money. I could pay off my mother the money I owe her and buy some new clothes. All my clothes hang on me, but I don't feel much thinner.
I've been noticing that the bottoms of my feet hurt. Sometimes they hurt so bad, it is very difficult to walk. Maybe I should go to a doctor; maybe I have cancer or something.
I have been watching the saddest shows on Lifetime for Women. They are about women who are very brave and heroic. Or they are about husbands who kill their wives. If you ask me Brenda got out just in time.
I needed to take a nap before dinner. I hope my family will all leave me alone tonight about my food.
About five o' clock, my father came home to take us to dinner. We all piled in our SUV, even Brenda. I could tell my father was in a festive mood. He started telling us all his favorite jokes. Victoria is the best at laughing at his jokes in our family. She just laughs and laughs like she has never heard the jokes before. I was wearing my new Easter outfit. It felt loose and good on me. I could hear Victoria and Brenda talking about me. I looked over and Victoria smiled softly. Brenda just looked worried.
When we got to Sizzler I didn't have a difficult time making up my mind unlike the rest of the family. I ordered the salad bar and an iced tea then I went to the side and waited while everyone decided what kind of steak or chicken to get. My mother walked over to me and told me she thought I should order some kind of protein. I told her that there was plenty of cheese and ham at the salad bar. I didn't tell her I had no intention of getting any.
I waited for everyone else's food to be served before I went over to the salad bar. I was looking at the fresh fruit when my mother came over.
"Let me help you pick something out," she said.
"I am not a baby, Mom, I can pick out my own dinner," I said.
"I know you can, but I might want to nibble at something," she said.
I knew this was not the truth, because she had just gotten a steak and an all you can eat shrimp dinner.
"Cut it out, Mom, and leave me alone," I said.
When she went back to the table I could tell I had hurt her feelings. I didn't see her butting into Victoria or Brenda's food. I wish she would treat me like she treats them.
I put four orange slices on my plate and went and sat down. All the eyes at the table were on me. I acted like no one was looking at me and I started to nibble on an orange.
"Okay, this is ridiculous," my father said.
I ignored him.
"You are not going to eat just four orange slices for dinner," my father almost shouted. I could no longer ignore him. There were other people sitting at other tables all around us looking at us.
"Please lower your voice. I don't want the whole world to know what I am eating," I said.
"Young lady, this diet has gone on long enough. You are skin and bones. You have to eat something more than orange juice and oranges."
"Why?" I asked him.
"Because you could die," my father said.
"Yeah, Kaitlyn, remember my friend from school who had bulimia? She would only eat cottage cheese. She died," Victoria said.
"I am going to cut off some of my steak and I want you to eat at least three bites of what I give you," My father said.
I just sat there. I felt so miserable. I wished the people at the table next to us would mind their own business.
My father handed me the steak on a little plate that his toast was on. I picked up my knife and fork and I cut it in little tiny bites. I tried to put one of the bites in my mouth. I honestly tried. I could not bring it to my tongue. It gagged me. I laid the fork down with the meat on it.
"Kaitlyn, stop this," my mother said.
A tear rolled down my face. "I am trying to mind you. I just can't eat it."
"Yes, you can. You just open your mouth and put the meat in and chew," my father said.
I couldn't explain to any of them. I could not eat it. There was a lump in my throat. I just sat there and cried. My father stormed out of the restaurant. His parting shot to me was thank you for letting him spend fifty dollars on a dinner that none of us would eat. My mom and sisters slowly got up from the table. My mom came over to me.
"Come on Kaitlyn. We're going home."
I sat in the car feeling so miserable I could hardly stand it. I knew everyone was mad at me. I didn't know what to do.
All I know is if I ate the meat I would have had to throw it up and I just didn't have the energy to do that.
After school today, Aaron asked me if I would like to come to his house for dinner. He said his father really would like me to come since they are moving tomorrow. I told Aaron, I would love to come, but I had a huge lunch. He said that was okay, just to come and be with his family. I said okay, but I knew they were going to try and get me to eat. I asked my mom if I could go to Aaron's house for dinner. She very meanly asked me how I was going to get out of eating there. I told her she didn't need to worry about it. (I was worried enough for the both of us!) I think I will just put some food on my plate and move it around a lot like I do at home.
When I got to Aaron's house I felt kind of shy because I hadn't seen his mother since the day I came out of Aaron's room with her standing there. His father was very gracious and a great host. He asked me what I would like to drink and I said diet anything. He said I needed to cut the diet stuff off. He said he noticed I was getting way too thin. I was really embarrassed because Aaron's mom is kind of fat and I saw her look at me kind of funny.
Luckily the dinner was sort of a buffet type and no one was paying attention to what anyone else was eating. Gary, Chad, and Ken also invited a few friends. It was a very nice party.
Although my feet were still giving me a lot of pain I walked home with Aaron. I knew this was last time I would see him until he came back to visit. He seemed sad also. I know I am too young to be in love, but it sure felt like I was.
"Kaitlyn, would you not date anyone else when I move away?" Aaron asked.
"Of course, I will not. I only want to date you."
Aaron sighed with relief. He put his arm around me and seemed jovial. I guess that was really worrying him.
"What about you? Are you going to date some of those foxy Laguna Beach girls when you leave?"
"Nope," he grinned
"Good," I said.
We walked in silence for a while then Aaron pulled me over to where we were sort of secluded behind a bush. He kissed me really long. It was nice.
"I am really going to miss you," he said.
"I will miss you more," I said.
"I will miss you the most," he said.
"I will miss you a Google," I said.
"Okay, you won," Aaron said laughing.
We walked the rest of the way to my house. Aaron lingered on the step for a while. He then leaned toward me and kissed me. It was the nicest kiss ever.
"Would it scare you if I told you I thought I loved you?" he asked.
I shook my head too overwhelmed to talk.
"Well, I do," he said.
I knew I couldn't say it back, because I didn't know if I loved him so I just hugged him real hard. I hoped he didn't notice I didn't say anything. Aaron hugged me real tight.
"I better go," he said. His eyes looked a little misty.
I felt like crying myself.
"Bye, Aaron," I wanted to give him something,
"I think I love you too," I finally said.
Aaron flashed me a huge grin.
"Now I can leave happy," he said.
I laughed. He walked down the step singing, "Zippity do dah, zippity aye.."
I was glad he was happy, but I was very sad. What in the world was I going to do without Aaron? Doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore?
I didn't feel like going to school today. My mother said it was okay since I would have to leave early anyway to go to the doctor. When I took a shower this morning about half my head of hair fell into the tub. It scared me to death. It was such a creepy feeling to feel half the hair come off my head. I tried to pick it up and it just fell to the tub. I screamed and my mom came running into the bathroom to ask me what was wrong. I wrapped the shower curtain around my body so my mother couldn't see me. I showed her my hair in the tub; she said we would ask the doctor about it. Freaky!! I am so freaked out. Ahhhhhh!
My mother drove my father to school so she could use our car. When she got back she asked me if I had the notebook she gave me to write the food down that I had been eating: the food journal. It took me awhile to find it, but I did. All that was in it was the first page of lies I put down. She told me she was very disappointed in me, that I couldn't even do a small task for her. I told her to number the pages one to twenty one and write down three glasses of orange juice. She asked me what was I saying, and I repeated what I said to her. She said she couldn't get me to the doctor soon enough.
The doctor's office was small and sparingly decorated. We didn't even know it was his office until we asked his receptionist if it was. She said that Dr. Anderson would be with me in a minute, but first my mother had to fill out some forms for her. While my mom was busy writing and taking out her insurance cards I got up and looked around. I could tell this place was for crazy people. There wasn't anything around that someone could hurt himself or herself with.
"Is this a psychiatrist?" I asked my mother.
"No," she said, "He is a medical doctor that specializes in eating disorders."
"Oh," I said.
What are eating disorders? I wondered.
My mother brought the papers to the receptionist's window and the lady took them. I could tell my mother was nervous when she sat down. I felt sorry for her. I was kind of nervous also. I was wondering what this guy could possibly say to me.
"Kaitlyn Simons." A nurse in a light pink uniform came to the door and called.
I got up.
"Are you coming with me?" I asked my mother.
"I will come in later. He needs to first examine you."
"Okay." I said making a face. I hate examinations.
I followed the nurse to a room that had a large number two above the door. We both walked inside. I just stood there while she opened some cupboards and got some paper things out and a cup.
"Let's first go in and weigh you then we'll have you change into this gown so the doctor can examine you." She said.
What gown? All I could see was something that looked like a paper bag. I followed her out the door to a hall that had a large scale next to the wall.
"Please weigh backwards." She said. I slowly got on.
"Seventy six pounds," she said not batting an eyelash. I could tell she was used to this job.
Why would she have me weigh backwards then announce it to the world like that?
We went back in the room and she showed me how to put the gown on so my front was covered, but my back hardly was. She also asked me to pee in the cup and bring it back to her. There was a bathroom in the room. I went to the bathroom, peed, put the gown on and came out. I handed her the cup. She looked distastefully at the orange pee, "Ooh, I don't think you are drinking enough liquids. Are you?" she asked me.
I shrugged. She took the cup with her and went out. What do they do with it? Do they have rows and rows of cups of pee somewhere?
I felt very self-conscious with my back all-open so I wrapped the gown around me tightly. I got up on the bed and sat down.
Dr. Anderson was a large man with a beard and glasses. He wasn't fat, just big. He probably played football in college.
"Hello, Kaitlyn, how are you?" he asked pleasantly sitting on a roll away stool by my feet.
"Fine," I said.
"I need to ask you a few questions before I examine you."
"Okay," I said warily.
"How much did you weigh before you started losing weight?" He asked.
"One hundred and thirty pounds," I said.
"How did you lose this weight?" He asked.
"Dieting," I said.
"Do you throw up?" He asked.
I was waiting for this question. I had my answer all ready.
"I used to, but now I don't have to, I can control my eating," I said.
"And how do you control your eating? Do you use diuretics?"
"What's that?"
"Diet pills."
"No."
"Laxatives in abnormal amounts?"
"No."
"Okay, now what is this diet you have been on?"
"I drink three glasses of orange juice a day. No more, no less."
"Do you feel you get enough nutrition this way?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"All right, I'm now going to examine you."
He checked me all over pressing here and there. The worst part was when he pushed in my stomach, it hurt. He asked me about the rash on the back of my neck, I told him it has been driving me crazy. He said I had it because I was allergic to citrus. I asked him what that was and he said oranges had citrus in them. He looked at the bottom of my feet and asked if it hurt to walk and when I said yes, he said that was understandable because I had lost almost all my padding to my feet. When I asked him what he meant, he said I no longer had fat on the bottom of my feet and when I walked I was walking on skin and bones. He also asked me if I had been losing a lot of hair lately. I said yes. He seemed to know a lot about me.
"Have you stopped having your period?" He asked me.
"I had one last month; I am a little late for this month." I said.
After he was finished examining me, he asked my mother to come in. My mother walked in the door slowly. I could tell she was worried and scared. I felt sorry for my poor mom. Well I thought it would be over soon. Little did I know!
"Mrs. Simons?" The doctor asked.
My mother nodded.
"Please have a seat," the doctor said giving her the stool. My mother sat down.
"I am very worried about your little girl here," he said.
"So are we."
"She is dehydrated and suffering from malnutrition."
My mother nodded her head; she had a scared look on her face.
"I am going to have to admit her in the hospital and try and get her nutrition level back to where we want it and put her on an IV to get her hydrated again. We would like to see her gain a few pounds," he said.
"Never. I have worked too hard at this," I said.
"Hush, Kaitlyn," my mom said.
"I want you to take her to St. Joseph hospital in Orange. You can, of course, go home and pack her a few things, but I would like her to be over there this evening. I am on call there and I will go and look in on her."
My mother thanked him. I felt like kicking him.
My mother told him she would have me there and she drove me home.
My mom only gave me one half hour to pack. Oh goodness I feel like I could die right now. I am so tired; maybe my mom will come in and help me pack. I think I will take a little nap before I go to the hospital.
Needless to say, my father was very upset when my mother called him and told him I had to go to the hospital. He kept asking my mother what the doctor said over and over again about my going to the hospital, I know this because after she woke me up I could hear my mother repeating herself over and over. I packed my best nightgown, a toothbrush, some toothpaste, and my hairbrush, which I probably won't need in the future if my hair continues to fall out. I took all my stuff and found a paper bag and put it all in it. When my mom saw the bag she started crying. She went and got her best suitcase and put my stuff in it.
My father wanted to go with us to the hospital. So we waited until he took a cab home before we left. He really seemed freaked out. I was sorry Brenda and Victoria were at work, I wanted to say goodbye. I really didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital. If I was dehydrated, all I needed to do was drink water, right?
The day had started to become really windy. My hair (what was left of it) blew all over my face as I was getting in the car. I was very nervous. I didn't know what they were going to do to me in the hospital. I have only visited the hospital three times, once was when Victoria broke her knee and had to have surgery, the second was when I visited Aaron when he had surgery on his arm, and last was when Brenda had to go in because she went crazy when Hugh died. My father and mother were silent as we drove off. I could tell they were either upset or nervous also.
The hospital was only about ten miles away, but it seemed like it took forever to get there. When we got out the wind was really blowing. It felt like the wind could lift me up right off the ground. I remembered seeing the Flying Nun on the Nostalgia channel. I wished I had her hat on so I could fly away like she used to. My father took the suitcase and we pushed our way to the door. I was freezing. The hospital wasn't much warmer than it was outside. I think it might have been colder. I shivered.
"Scared?" My mother asked gently.
"Yes, and cold," I said.
We went over to the front registration booth where a nurse was working on a computer. My mother asked her if this was where we check in. She asked who I was and my mother told her and the nurse said Dr. Anderson had called ahead and said I was coming. She called someone on the phone and this older man came out with a wheel chair and asked me to sit down. I very carefully sat down. When I sat down I told him I could walk and he said that was okay that this was his job. I was wondering how much a person got paid to wheel people around in wheel chairs when he told me he was a volunteer. He said he was retired and he worked at the hospital five days a week. He took me to a place where there was a sign that said "Welcome to the pediatrics ward, we hope you go home soon" above the door. I heard a lot of screaming and it sounded like people jumping on beds. These kids didn't seem to be too sick. I looked around for my parents and they were following us close behind. I was glad. The nice old man brought me to the pediatrics nurses' station and told me he hoped I would get better. I told him I wasn't sick. He just smiled.
The nurse asked me my name and then told me she was putting me in room one hundred and four. She pushed my wheel chair forward and there we went. The room I was to stay in had two beds in it. There was no one in either bed. She told me my bed would be bed B. She told my mother that when they call me they have to say they want room one hundred and four B and they will be able to talk to me. She went into a closet and brought out a cloth nightgown and a bag. She told me to put all my jewelry and my watch in the bag and then she put it and my suitcase back in the closet. She gave me the nightgown and asked me to put it on. When I told her I brought my own from home, she said maybe I could use it later, but for now they need me to wear their nightgown so the doctor can examine me. I couldn't believe I had to have another examination. I hate having someone else touch my body.
My father and the nurse left the room so I could change. I could tell my mother was curious to see what I looked like without clothes on. When I took my shirt off she started to cry again.
"How could you do this to yourself?" she asked me.
"What?" I asked her.
"Your body. You look like a concentration camp victim," She said.
I hurried and put the nightgown on so she wouldn't say anything more. The nurse knocked on the door and asked if I was ready. I said yes. She pulled down the bed for me and asked me to get in. I got in and pulled the covers up to my neck, I was freezing and the gown they gave me didn't have a backside.
Another nurse came in wheeling a tall metal post that had a bag with something in it hanging from it. She held something in her hand that looked like a needle. I didn't want that in me.
The nurse with the needle walked over to me and asked me if I knew what an IV was. I said no. She explained to me that she was going to put the IV in me so I could get the nutrients I had lost by dieting. She had a difficult time finding a vein in my hand to poke the needle in. She had to redo it twice. I was almost in tears. I hate pain. My hand felt heavy where the IV was. When the nurse put tape around the tube, it felt a little better.
After the nurse with the needle was through with me, she and the other nurse left the room. They said the doctor would be there shortly to look me over. Great.
I lay back on the pillow. It felt good to lie down. I was exhausted.
My mother asked me if I was sleepy and when I said yes she told me I might as well take a nap. She knew Dr. Anderson had told her he wasn't coming to the hospital until two o'clock. And it was barely noon now. My father asked her if she wanted to go get some coffee while I slept. My mom said that sounded good. I was really glad to see them go. Maybe I could get some peace and quiet.
I took a nap and when I woke up I heard the doctor talking to my parents as I was coming out of my sleep. I didn't open my eyes.
"I am very worried about her," he was saying. "She is down to sixty per cent of what her body weight should be. This is very serious. She cannot lose much more and live."
"What are you saying? Are you saying she could die?" My father said.
"Yes, she could, and she may. We have our work cut out for us here."
Feeling frightened I opened my eyes. I saw Dr. Anderson sitting by my bedside.
"Good morning, sleepy head," he said.
"I thought you were coming in the afternoon," I said.
"Okay, good afternoon, then," he said.
"I need to do a full pelvic examination of you while a nurse is present. We need to see how your ovaries are doing."
"Why do you need to do that?" My mother said shrilly.
"Kaitlyn has stopped having her period and I need to check and see that she is doing all right and it's just her body weight dropping that has caused it and not something more serious," the doctor explained.
"She has never had a pelvic examination before. She is a virgin," my mother said.
"I know this. We will be very careful," The doctor smiled. I didn't smile back; I didn't think I wanted my pelvic area examined.
The doctor asked my parents to leave the room when a nurse came in. I was glad it wasn't the needle nurse. That nurse hurt me. They had me put my feet in some bars and scoot down and far as I could so they could see inside me. I was horrified and embarrassed. I could tell the doctor was doing a thorough job because I could feel a lot movement going on. It was very uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt. I was glad when it was over. I scooted back up the bed and put the sheet back over me, up to my neck.
"Your ovaries look fine. Your lack of menstruation is because of the weight loss. I was pretty sure it was, but we have to make sure." He called my parents back in and told them the same things.
My father asked what they would be doing to me while I was here and how long I would have to stay. I listened closely; I wanted to know this also.
"We are going to keep her on this IV which will help her to maintain her weight. It will even help her gain a few pounds," he said.
I was thinking that maybe I'll just rip this out of my arm, when I remembered how much it hurt to put in so I decided to leave it.
The doctor continued. "But we need to teach her how to eat sensibly so she will see a nutritionist and also I have a friend I would like her to talk to. Her name is Doris."
"Is Doris a psychiatrist?" My father asked.
"Yes, she is. She is a very qualified doctor, in this field. We will all work together and hopefully we will conquer this addiction."
"I don't understand why you call this an addiction. What in the world is she addicted to?" My mother said.
"Control," the doctor said simply and then he left.
A lady from the cafeteria came in with a paper. She told me I had to mark off what I wanted for dinner tonight and breakfast and lunch tomorrow. She said I had to mark one item or more in each food group. She handed the paper to me. I could not believe all the food they expected me to eat for dinner. She explained to my parents that only I could eat off my plate. She said that only I could use the bathroom in my room. They needed to monitor my intake and output. She took a plastic tub and put it in the toilet. When she left my mom came over to me and looked at my menu.
"The herbal chicken looks good for dinner tonight and it is low in fat." She said.
Chicken, I almost forgot what it tasted like. I told her to mark down what she thought she would like and I turned around in my bed putting my back to her. It was difficult to lie that way because of the IV. And with my backside being almost bare.
"Are you getting tired?" she asked me.
"A little," I said.
My mother said, "Maybe your father and I will go home for awhile and then when we come back we will bring your sisters. Would you like that?" I turned around and nodded my head at her.
She handed the paper back to me. "You need to mark off what you think you would like to eat," she said.
I picked up the pencil and looked for the fruit and vegetable group. I put a check on broccoli and a check on a glass of orange juice for dinner tonight and marked orange juice for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.
"The nurse said you had to mark all the food groups," my father said.
I picked up the pencil and hurriedly marked something in each group on each of the three papers. I didn't even look to see what I marked. I was hoping my parents would leave. Finally they made noises to leave.
My mother kissed me goodbye and my father took my hand that didn't have the IV in it.
"What ever you feel like eating, eat two more bites for me," he said.
"I can't," I said.
"Please, honey, we don't want you to die."
I said okay. Then they left. I just lay there wondering what in the world I am supposed to do in this hospital when an African American woman came to my door and knocked at my door jam.
"Kaitlyn?" she asked.
I said, "Yes."
"My name is Doris, Dr. Anderson asked me to come by and see you," she said.
I was kind of shocked. I don't know why I expected Doris to be white, but I did. I smiled shyly at her.
She took a chair by the nightstand and sat down.
"Do you have much experience with black people?" She asked.
"Not that much."
"I could tell you were a little shocked to see me." She smiled.
"It's not that I am prejudiced or anything. I just assumed you would be white." I said.
"I get that a lot. I think it's because Doris is such an ordinary name, not like Natasha or Carina. Names people usually associate with black people."
"That must be it."
"Would you mind if I asked you some questions?" She asked me.
"Why not?" I said.
"Well, the first thing I would like to know is why such a beautiful girl like you would try and starve herself to death?" She asked.
"I'm not beautiful and I am not trying to kill myself. I mean I am not trying to die. I just want to be skinny. I hate fat. I hate it. I am so ugly with all this fat on me. I don't want any drop of it on me. If I have to stop eating to reach that goal, I will." I said.
"You can't stop eating. People need food to live."
"Do I have to eat to live?"
"Yes. People cannot live very long without food."
"Why? It's my body. If I don't want to put food in it, why do I have to?"
"Well, I can see I have a little work cut out for me," Doris said, "I do need to ask you one more question before I leave."
"Okay."
"To your knowledge have you ever been molested or raped?"
I didn't understand her question, but I answered her anyway. "I have never been molested or raped. My sister was though by a black guy." I said this to see her reaction.
"Some men are horrible, aren't they?" she said.
"Yes," I said.
"Well, I will go for awhile. Maybe I can come by and talk with you tonight." She said.
"I would like that," I said. The funny thing was I really meant it.
Later when the nurse came in to pick up my menus, she helped me take the IV to the bathroom so I could go. She then carefully measured and marked something on a chart. I took another nap.
I heard the rattle of a tray and it woke me up. My dinner had come already. I had decided to play possum and pretend I was still asleep.
"Kaitlyn, it is time for you to wake up," a soft voice said.
I opened my eyes. A very pretty woman with blonde hair was sitting on the chair across from me.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"My name's Melanie. I'm one of the hospital's nutritionists. I am here to teach you a different way to eat," she said.
I looked at the tray she had brought and laid on my table by my bed. The food looked like some brown stuff that must be meat and a baked potato. There was also the broccoli I ordered and the orange juice.
"I am not very hungry." I eyed the meat distastefully.
"Well, we are still going to have you try a little bit to see if you like it or not," she said.
I took a sip of the orange juice. The taste was familiar. I cut off a little of the broccoli and ate that.
"Would you like a little butter and salt and pepper on your broccoli? It really makes it taste very good," she said.
"No, thank you. I am not allowed to have butter," I said.
"Oh, who told you that you are not allowed to have butter?" she asked.
"Myself. I give myself lots of rules and that is one of them. No fat. This includes butter. It is very high in fat, you know," I said.
"A person needs to have a little fat every day. It is good for their skin. Most people go crazy with the fat, eating French fries, potato chips, and loads of butter on their potatoes. We only need about three teaspoons a day."
"Three teaspoons a day? No way, I would gain too much weight with that."
"Let me see you try a bite of your potato."
"Potatoes are fattening."
"They really aren't. It's just like I was telling you. Most people put too much butter or sour cream on their potatoes. That is what makes them fattening. Actually some people call potatoes God's own fruit."
"I am really not hungry for the potato right now." I took another bite of broccoli. I drank the orange juice down. I felt very conspicuous eating in front of her.
"Are you going to have any dinner?" I asked her.
"Maybe next time I can eat dinner with you and I will show you what I eat and stay slim," she said.
I did notice she had a great figure.
I finished the broccoli. I looked at the piece of meat. It looked horrible. I could see some fat on one of the sides.
"I'm sorry, but I can't eat anymore," I said.
"I would really like you to at least eat the potato. You don't have to put any butter on it. Just eat it plain."
I cut off a small piece of the potato. I very carefully put it in my mouth. It felt warm and smooth. I quickly chewed it up. I ate about one fourth of the potato and I was going to tell her I was through when I remembered what my father said about eating two more bites for him. I slowly ate two more bites then I said I was through.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to have a bit of meat?" she asked.
"No way," I said, feeling myself gag.
"Now, I know that you have had trouble in the past with bulimia even though you haven't experienced it in awhile. I do not want you to throw up any of this dinner. If you feel like you are going to, I want you to buzz the nurse and she will contact me and I will come as quickly as possible."
"Why do you care if I throw up or not?" I asked her.
"It is very dangerous for a person to make themselves throw up. Sometimes the food gets caught and punctures the esophagus and they bleed to death," she said.
"Yuck," I said.
"I don't want that to happen to you." She said. She picked up the tray and went to the door. "Have a nice rest. I will see you in the morning."
Am I going to eating all my meals with this lady? If so, I wanted to go home.
After dinner Victoria and Brenda came in to see me. They said mom and dad were here in the lobby, but only two visitors could come in at one time.
"Honey, how do you feel?" Victoria asked me.
"I don't feel sick at all. I do feel a little tired. I wish I could go home." I said.
"I can't believe mom and dad let this thing get this far," Brenda said hotly.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"This anorexia thing. I don't know what is wrong with mom and dad. Victoria and I noticed a long time ago you were having problems. I don't know why they didn't take you to a shrink then," Brenda said.
"I am not having problems. I just went on a diet," I said.
"Yeah, and lost about half your body weight," Brenda said.
"Brenda, leave her alone," Victoria, said.
Brenda just looked disgusted and left the room.
Victoria took my hand. She looked at the IV.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not now, it hurt when she put it in though. I think she was new on the job. She had to jab me a couple of times."
"So I see. You're going to bruise here." She pointed to one of the punctures.
"That's okay."
My mom walked in.
"Kaitlyn, you have to excuse Brenda. She is afraid you are going to die and she doesn't think she can handle another death right now," my mom said.
"Why does everyone keep saying I am going to die? I don't have a terminal illness or anything. I just went on a diet," I screamed.
Victoria and my mom exchanged looks.
"Maybe we should go now," my mom said.
"I haven't even seen dad yet," I said, starting to get choked up.
"He may come in and see you tomorrow; he's having trouble dealing with you being in the hospital," she said.
"I don't understand," I said crying.
"He thinks this whole thing is his fault, and I agree with him," Victoria said.
We were all silent for a minute.
"Anyway, I guess we'll go for tonight, and we will see you tomorrow," my mom said.
Victoria got up and kissed me. They both gave a little wave and left.
I feel exhausted. I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life. My whole body feels like someone beat me up. This bed is very uncomfortable. I can feel all my bones. It somehow doesn't seem as much fun as it did before to count my bones and my ribs. Everyone keeps making such a big deal about my weight. I don't know how to make it clear to all of them that it is my body; I can do whatever I want with it. As for being in this hospital I have no control. A nurse came in and took a whole bunch of blood out of me. She took three tubes full, the vampire.
Doris came by right before I went to sleep. She asked if she could stay awhile and I said yes. She sat down beside my bed and asked if anything had happened today that I would like to discuss. I told her about my family's visit. I thought all of them acted strange except maybe Victoria. I didn't understand why my dad didn't come in and Brenda was just rude.
"Your family is scared," Doris said.
"What in the world could they be scared of?" I asked.
"You."
"Why am I scaring them?" I asked.
"You are not acting like you are supposed to. There is a real possibility that you might die and they don't want to lose you."
"Will you please tell me why everyone keeps saying I am dying?"
She got out a pad and a pencil. She showed me how much someone who is five feet five inches should weigh, which was about the weight I used to be. She showed me how many calories that person should eat to maintain that weight. She put down how much I ate for dinner and added those calories up, (which I thought was sneaky of Melanie to tell her), and she showed me how much under the calorie intake I was eating to maintain my weight.
"All I want is to be beautiful and thin. Is that asking too much?" I said.
"You are beautiful. And you are very thin."
She took out a mirror and told me to look in it. I saw my face. It looked like my face, but it didn't. I seemed to have a bigger nose than I remembered having. My jaw looked funny also.
"I am so ugly. Why did you show me that?" I asked her.
"You are not ugly. You are beautiful. If your weight were the way it should be, you would be a healthy, beautiful girl. Your weight is just way below what it is supposed to be." She said.
"I can't see that." I started crying. "All I see is fat." I lifted my gown up and showed her my fat stomach.
"You are thin." She got in my face. "Too thin."
I cried harder.
"Please leave me alone. I am very tired right now," I said.
"Honey, I will leave in a moment. I need to talk to you about a few things first."
"What?"
"Can you remember the first time you became aware of your weight? You know, aware that you felt fat?"
"Sure. I remember." I proceeded to tell her about the trip to the mountains with my parents.
"Do you remember what you felt when your father told you you needed to lose weight?"
"Yes, I felt rage and hate. I wanted to hit him."
"Go back in your mind and think about being in the car by yourself and hating your dad. He embarrassed you. All you wanted to do was play on the mountain. You didn't want him talking about your body."
I closed my eyes and thought about that day. I could still remember the humiliation I felt when my father told me I was fat.
Tears continued rolling down my face.
"I want him to take it back," I said.
"Take what back?" she asked.
"I want him to take back what he said. I hate him. How dare he say that to me? I was just being me. I didn't need to be worrying about my weight. All I wanted to do was go out and run on the mountain, maybe pick a few flowers, or maybe have a nice picnic in the grass," I said.
"He can't take it back. He said it. Nothing is going to change that. You have to forgive him and go on."
I started crying hard again when I realized right then and there that nothing I could do would take that horrible experience away.
Doris came over and hugged me.
"It's okay," she said.
"Why can't he take it back? I hate him for saying that to me," I said.
"What has been said has been said. He can say he is sorry, but the damage has been done. What we need to do now is get an image of yourself that you want to be, not what your father wants you to be. You have to live for yourself, not him."
I thought about how I was still trying to please him with my eating, like tonight, eating the two extra bites. I told Doris this.
"It is scary the things our parents can do to us."
I was so tired I thought I would really die. Right there in front of Doris. I guess she saw this because she said she was going to leave for tonight and she would come see me tomorrow. I wasn't looking forward to that. I don't want to spill my guts anymore.
I feel raw inside.
I told her goodnight and I took the IV to the bathroom. I was tempted to throw up because my stomach hurt, but I didn't want to explain it to Melanie when I saw her for breakfast in the morning. I called the nurse and told her I had urine for them. She measured it and then flushed it down the toilet. I was really ready for a good night's sleep.
I was rudely awakened at ten this evening when a nurse came in with a little bag that she hooked up to my IV. She said it was potassium, and that Dr. Anderson had ordered it because the blood that the nurse took earlier showed I was very low in potassium. After she hooked the bag up she said the IV would burn for a little bit. At first the burn was minor, but then it spread through my whole arm and even to the back of my arm. I told her that my arm was burning. She said it would burn for a while. Then she left. I lay there and felt the burning going through my arm. I didn't think I could stand it. I called the nurse back in.
"My arm is really burning."
"I told you it would burn for awhile."
"I am not joking, it is really burning bad."
She picked my arm up and looked at the IV hooked to my hand.
"Your IV looks okay. Just lie there for a while. Relax. You'll be okay." Then she left again.
I laid there and I really tried to go to sleep. I would open and closed my hand trying to circulate my blood. It hurt too much. I pinched off the IV. My arm immediately felt better, but the stupid IV machine started beeping really loud. The nurse came in.
"What did you do to the IV?" She asked me. She then noticed the IV line.
I was still pinching it off.
"Let go of that. You can't do that."
"I want the IV out of me. It burns. Take it out now," I said.
"The doctor ordered this. We cannot take it out until the bag of potassium finishes."
"How long will that take?"
"Two to three hours."
"No way are you leaving that in me for that long. Take out the potassium bag right now."
"I cannot do that."
"If you do not take it out right now I am going to rip it out of my arm," I yelled at her.
She hurriedly left the room. She came back in with another nurse. This nurse looked mean. I could tell she was somehow above this other nurse. I knew I should be intimated but I wasn't because I hurt too much.
"What is the problem here?" she asked me.
"I want the potassium IV out of me right now. It burns," I said.
"It does burn a little bit," she said.
"This burns a lot. I can stand pain, but this is excruciating. There is no way I can sleep with this pain." The IV box was still beeping because I was still pinching it off. She went over and looked at it. She turned to the other nurse.
"Why is she getting straight potassium in her IV?" She asked.
"Isn't that how you usually give it?" The nurse asked.
"No, we need to dilute it." She punched a bunch of numbers on the box.
"I am only giving one cc to your ten ccs in your IV. The rest will be your IV solution. Please let go of the IV, Kaitlyn," she said gently.
When I let go, the IV burned again. After about a minute it started to feel better.
"Thank you." I smiled.
"Can you go to sleep now?" she asked.
"I think so."
"Okay, then. Now, no more trouble," she said.
She fluffed my hair. (What was left of it.)
She and the other nurse left the room. I heard her lecturing the young nurse out in the hall about diluting the ccs. I sure didn't want to be in that nurse's shoes right then.
I lay on my back and thought about today. I had one heck of a day. It seemed really strange to me that I was in a hospital bed right then instead of my own bed. I guessed I wouldn't be going to school for a while. I wondered if anyone would miss me.
I was hoping I would be able to sleep, but some nurse came in to take my vital signs about every two hours. I was ready to bop her the last time. I did tell her my neck was itching like crazy and asked her if she could give me something to stop the itching. She said the doctor hadn't ordered anything for my neck. She said all she could give me was Tylenol. I passed on that. I really didn't think that would help too much.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
After I was awakened at seven this morning for my vitals and for them to take more blood, I didn't even try to go back to sleep. I turned on the TV and watched A.M. America. Around eight am, Melanie came in with my breakfast tray.
"You work strange hours, don't you?" I asked.
"I work a split shift so I can help whoever needs me at meal times," she said.
"Doesn't that pretty much take all day?" I asked.
"No I actually only work seven-thirty .am to six o' clock pm with a two and a half hour lunch, which is nice for me to go work out at my gym. I play racquetball there everyday."
"Wow," I said.
"Okay, here we are," she said setting my tray down on the little table by my bed and sat down in the chair next to it. When she took the cover off the food, I almost threw up. I had ordered bacon, grits, French toast, a half of banana and orange juice. It all looked disgusting to me except the fruit.
"I am not going to eat that," I said.
"Now Kaitlyn, you ordered this, it must have sounded good to you yesterday."
"I didn't even look at what I checked off. The only thing I am eating is the banana and drinking the orange juice."
"Do you remember what you talked about yesterday with Doris, regarding calories and how much someone with your body weight needs to eat to maintain, and how much you need to eat to get you back to where you are healthy?"
"Yes, I remember, but I cannot eat bacon because it has too much fat in it. I don't even know what grits taste like, but they look disgusting, and I can't eat that French toast because someone put butter on it. Do you know how bad butter is for you?"
"Okay, what would you like to eat?" Melanie asked.
"I already told you. The half of banana and the orange juice," I said.
"Kaitlyn, let's stop playing games. My job is to teach you how to eat right and to encourage you to eat that way. We need to find some things that you will eat. If you don't eat we will have to put you on a feeding tube that goes through your nose. You don't want that now do you?" she paused, "How would you like a bagel with fat free cream cheese on it to eat with your fruit?"
I thought about it. It didn't seem like too many calories and a bagel did sound good.
"Only, if you bring me the cream cheese so I can read the ingredients and make sure it's fat free," I said.
"Okay," Melanie said and she left.
I watched TV until she got back. She came back with a little plate that had a bagel on it, and a little container of cream cheese. It said fat free cream cheese really big on the top. I guessed it was okay. I broke the bagel apart and I very carefully peeled the top off the cream cheese and took my knife and spread a very thin layer of cream cheese on each side. Then I took a bite. It tasted pretty good. Melanie reached in her pocket and she had a carton of skim milk in it. "I would like you to try drinking a little milk for me. Like the commercial says, I got Milk and the calcium would do you good," she said.
"One sip."
Melanie opened the carton of milk and I took a sip. It tasted cold and smooth.
I lay back on my pillow.
"You are not finished," she said.
"I cannot eat any more," I said.
"Yes, you can," she said.
"I can't," I said tears welling up in my eyes making it difficult for me to see. I got a big lump in my throat.
"I want you to eat that bagel, the orange juice, the half of banana, and some of that milk in the next half hour."
"Look, I understand you have a job to do, but I am not a little kid and I don't want to be told what to put in my body," I said wiping my face.
"Would you like to stay on an IV the rest of your life or go on the feeding tube that goes through your nose?"
I looked at my bruised hand and I touched my nose. "No."
"Then let me teach you how to eat the right way, and not a way that will kill you," she said.
"Okay, I'll try," I sat up and took another bite of bagel.
I ate about a fourth of everything, and I really did feel full. I pushed my tray away. "I can't eat anymore."
"Okay. I think you did pretty well for this morning," She said getting up.
I couldn't believe she was actually going to leave me alone.
"I'll see you at lunch. What would you like to eat?"
"I might want some tuna with lemon juice. I kind of like that."
"I'll work on it." She smiled.
I watched a little TV and dozed a little. I couldn't believe how tired I was. It was such a pain calling the nurse every time I had to use the bathroom, but I did. I didn't know if it was my imagination, but it seemed to me like I was peeing every hour. It must have something to do with the IV.
Around ten o' clock am in the morning Dr. Anderson came to see me. He told me he was going to prescribe something for the rash on my neck. He also said for me to stop eating and drinking citrus. He said I was showing an allergic reaction to it. I said okay, but when he left I got worried. What was I going to eat that was an okay food, if I could no longer have orange juice?
As the day went by I kind of looked forward to Melanie coming to eat with me. I was bored out of my mind. She was able to get the tuna and because she tried so hard to find it I tried to eat half. I couldn't believe how full I got with just a little bit of food. I used to eat three times as much and not be full. I knew stomachs couldn't shrink, but I think something inside me did.
Doris came by and saw me in the afternoon. We talked about everything. She wanted to know how my school was and if I had friends. I told her about Tonya and Rachael. I told her about Chelsea, how she moved away and it broke my heart. I really cried when I said this. I also told her about Aaron moving away a couple of days ago. She asked me what kind of relationship I had with him.
"It's difficult to explain. He is my boyfriend, but sometimes I used to feel he wanted more from me, at least more than I was ready to give. He's a year older than me and he had a serious relationship right before ours. I think he was used to kissing a lot more then we did and maybe fooling around a bit," I said.
"When you kissed him, did you feel comfortable?" Doris asked.
"I did at first, and then I started not liking kissing him so much. He wanted me to do more with him than just kiss. He used to ask me for affection and I really tried to give it to him, but sometimes I was just too empty to give anything to anyone."
"You know that is okay, right? You are thirteen years old; people should be giving to you, not the other way around."
"I know, but sometimes I felt I would lose Aaron if I wasn't affectionate enough. Like maybe he would go back to Debbie. That is his old girlfriend. He said they didn't go all the way, but I know they did more than we did."
"That is okay. You don't ever have to do more physically with a guy until you are ready to."
"I don't think I am ready to do much."
"I can remember when I was your age. I don't even think I knew what boys were. I mean I knew that they were there but they were classmates not boyfriends. Even if I found them attractive, I wouldn't have dared to date. I would have never liked to have seen my dad's face if I did!"
"Sometimes I wish that I lived back when you and my mom were girls. It seems like you were able to be little girls a lot longer than we are expected to."
"That is true."
"My mom was a virgin when she got married. I hope I am too."
"I was too," Doris said.
"Wow that must have been great."
"I don't know if it was great, but it has made my husband trust me, because there has been no other man. Some men seem to think this is important. I would have still been faithful to my husband regardless."
"I feel sorry for Victoria because she wanted to be a virgin when she married also. Now she won't be you know because of the rape."
"Victoria's rape really bothered you."
"Yes, it was almost like it was me. I mean, I didn't feel her pain or anything, I just felt so sorry for her."
"You felt a lot of empathy."
"Yes, that is what I felt, empathy."
"Did you start having the weight consciousness before or after her rape?"
"I had always been aware of my weight since that mountain trip with my parents, but I started becoming more obsessed with my weight after Victoria got raped. I didn't want that to happen to me. I thought she must be very sexy and I didn't want to be that."
"Rape is not a sex crime, it is a violent crime. Your sister could have had three heads, that guy didn't care, he was angry about something and he took it out on your sister."
"So she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time?"
"Probably."
"I hate him. If I could, I would kill him."
"All that would do is put you in jail. He doesn't need you to take care of him. God will do that."
"Yeah, you're right."
"Thank you for talking with me. I feel like we have made some major points today. I will come and see you everyday about this time, would that be okay?"
"Yeah, I don't feel so raw this time."
"You felt raw last time when we talked?"
"Yes, I could have cried a week."
"Tell me what made you feel that way."
"It hurts me so much to tell bad stories about my dad. I love him and I want him to be happy with me. I want us to have a good relationship, not one where he calls me names and I am angry."
"What sort of names does your father call you?"
"Fat names. Chubs, chub steak, stuff like that."
"Names that hurt."
"Yes, and they always hurt."
"Sometime we are going to confront your father and tell him not to call you names."
"I could never do that."
"Why?"
"I don't know what would happen, but I never could tell him how I feel about something."
"I would be with you, and I would help you."
"Maybe," I said.
"I am going to go for now, can I hug you?"
"Yes."
She reached over and I let her hug me and I tried to hug her back.
"You are going to be okay, I can feel it," she said.
I really tried working with Melanie at dinner. I ate more than I had in a long time. I was scared afterward, but I didn't throw up. I don't think I can learn to eat enough to not be fat and also eat enough to stay out of the hospital.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
The days went by so slowly. I have been here at the hospital for nineteen days. I eat all my meals with Melanie and I see Dr. Anderson and Doris once a day. Chelsea has written me and I wrote to her. She said she was very worried about me. I think she was kind of mad that I didn't confide in her about my problem. My family comes to visit me, but they do not stay long. I think what Doris said was true; they do seem to be scared of me. Doris planned a family-counseling meeting for tonight. I was really scared. She wanted me to confront my father about the name-calling and his obsession with my weight. I told her the only way I would do it is if she sat by me the whole time. She said she would and I was not to worry at all. That was easy for her to say.
After I ate my dinner, I waited for six o' clock to come around and for the troops to come in. Doris came in first, for which I was glad; I needed to ask her a few questions about what was going to happen tonight.
"Nothing unusual. I am just going to get some information from your family and I want to see how you interact with each other. And if you feel you are ready we will talk with your father."
I thought that sounded okay.
My parents, Brenda, and Victoria arrived about five minutes past six. Doris stood up and shook everyone's hand and introduced herself to him or her. I was watching my family's reaction to see how they reacted to Doris's race. They all seemed okay with this, I was glad. I had gotten to the point where I didn't see any color at all when I looked at Doris. Doris brought in enough chairs for everyone and asked him or her to sit down. They all did nervously. I think my stomach probably hurt even worse with all of them in the room.
"First of all, Vanessa and James, may I call you by your first names?" Doris asked.
"Of course," my parents said nodding together.
"Vanessa, James, Brenda, and Victoria I have asked you here this evening to help me solve a mystery. The mystery is Kaitlyn. I need you to help me figure out why a beautiful girl who weighs one hundred and thirty pounds can get to this girl who is almost half that." Doris looked at my family sternly. Both my sisters fidgeted nervously. Even my father was glancing around quickly, as if he was nervous. Of them all, my mom seemed the most calm.
Victoria finally spoke up. "It's her stupid diet."
"Yes, I understand Kaitlyn went on a diet. Many girls go on diets. They do not lose sixty pounds. And especially sixty pounds she did not need to lose."
"This diet was her idea," My mother said defensively.
"What do you think prompted her to go on a diet?" Doris said.
"I guess I pushed her into it, but this weight loss is ridiculous. I just wanted her to lose a few pounds so she would be healthier," My father said.
"You were happy when I lost weight," I said.
"Yes, I was happy. I want the best for you and I know fat people have a difficult time in life," my father said.
"Do you realize that Kaitlyn weighing one hundred and thirty pounds and being five feet five inches was not fat, in fact she was really healthy? She was a lot healthier than she is now. She used to be able to jog a mile or two, now she can hardly walk," Doris said.
"I never wanted her to get this thin. When I saw her putting on a few pounds, when her girlfriend moved away I was scared for her. She seemed to be doing nothing but eating. I was afraid she was going to get chunky."
"Oh, yeah, that is another name he calls me," I said to Doris.
"What are you talking about?" my father asked.
I took a deep breath. "The nicknames you have given me. You know Chubs, chub steak, and chunky."
"Those are terms of endearment," my father said.
"They are not. Names like princess, sweetheart, and darling are endearments," I shouted at him.
"There is no need for you to scream," my mother said.
"You see how she protects him?" I asked Doris. "Why couldn't she have protected me from him?"
Doris put her hand on my thigh to calm me.
"Please explain what you mean, Kaitlyn," Doris said.
"She let him badger me about my weight until I was humiliated. He literally picked me up and made me weigh and then when I weighed he said that I could still lose a few pounds and pinched my upper arm." I said crying.
My mother looked shocked. "So all this is my fault?"
"I'm not here to point fingers," Doris said.
"It sure seems like it," Brenda said.
I just sat there. Everyone seemed so hostile toward me. I wrapped my arms around myself and didn't say anything.
"Do you see Kaitlyn closing herself up; does she do this a lot?" Doris asked.
"I really don't know," My mother said.
"You have had your hands full with these two older girls haven't you?" Doris asked my mom.
"We have had one heck of a year and it is only June," my mom said.
"I think things have piled up on this whole family and you all feel the stress. I would like to see you all once a week as long as Kaitlyn is in the hospital."
"I guess we could do that," my father said, "If it would make Kaitlyn better."
"I am pretty sure it will make you all better," Doris said.
After being in the hospital for twenty-one days the doctor felt it was okay to weigh me. I weighed eighty-eight pounds. I could hardly believe that I gained so much weight. I was really depressed about the whole thing. Doris came and saw me early. I guess they were afraid I might be suicidal or something.
"Kaitlyn, I have a story to tell you," Doris said.
"Okay," I said settling down in my bed.
"When I was about thirteen I loved to read. I lived in a small town, but we had a great library. I used to go to the library once a week and get about thirteen books and I would read all of them before I took them back the following week.
"My father got a new job and we moved to Huntington Beach. I was so happy because I thought a big city like that would have a wonderful library. After we moved in I made my parents take me to the Huntington Beach library. It was beautiful. The librarian told my parents that they had just finished refurbishing it. I guess they had been having one fundraiser after another to pay for it. I could not wait to see the books in this library. I went over to the young adult section to see what they had. They maybe had sixteen books in this section. I had read them all. I thought maybe that the books I was looking for were in the children's library. I hurried over to that section. It was very small and very measly. The people of the library had spent so much time working on the outside of the building; they hadn't taken time for the inside. And the inside is what mattered. I found out later, they had planned to buy books, but they ran out of money before they could. Do you know why I told you this story?" Doris asked
"No," I said. I sort of had an idea.
"I want you to work on your inside. The outside is not important. Look at me. I was considered quite a beauty in my time. Now I am wrinkled and spotted. But you know what? My husband doesn't love me any less. In fact he told me the other night that he loved me more than when we first got married."
"I would like that. I mean, I would like someone to love me on the inside," I said.
"Let's work on your inside and let the outside take care of itself."
"Okay," I said and meant it.
We spoke a little more and then she left. I started thinking about what I could do to make my inside better. I could go to church more. Maybe do my homework more and really try to learn. I knew I could stop lying. I had been telling a lot of lies lately to get away with my lack of food.
Victoria came in all by herself this evening. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I thought I might be getting better.
"So you admit that you had a problem?"
"Yes, I guess I was trying to get everyone's approval and attention. I didn't mean to, but I was."
"Kaitlyn, I love you so much. Please get better so you can come home. I miss you," my sister said with tears in her eyes.
"Sometimes I believe I can be better, then a day like today comes by and I have gained weight and I realize I am losing a little control and I get scared," I said.
"Kaitlyn, I believe in you. I believe you will get better and you will be a much better person in the end." Victoria said hugging me.
"I love you," I said into her hair.
"I love you too," she said smiling.
"Where's the rest of the family?" I asked.
"Well, I have some news for you," she said.
"What?" I asked.
"Brenda is pregnant. That is where they are right now. At the doctor's office," she said.
"Oh, wow, how great," I said.
"Yes, she is very happy," Victoria, said. "Now you see why you have to get better. We need to celebrate, and we cannot without you."
"Okay," I said.
Victoria kissed me goodbye. I was really happy about the baby. It would be so great if it were a boy. I didn't want him to be like Hugh, his father, but we haven't had any boys in our family in a long time. I had almost all girl cousins, except for Nicholas.
The doctor said when I could get my weight up to one hundred pounds he would let me go home, but I still had to see Doris on an out patient basis. I really wanted to go home. It seemed like I hadn't been to school forever.
It was already June. I am supposed to graduate from the eighth grade in the middle of the month. I have been taking walks around the hospital. The only thing I hate is I have to drag that stupid I.V. with me everywhere I go. My feet still feel tender on the bottom. But I can tell I am getting some padding.
They have been letting my friends call me. Tonya and Rachael have called the most. Rachael said she was so worried about me. She said there had been a rumor that I died. People are so creepy.
I had a nice surprise yesterday. Aaron came by to see me. He acted real ill at ease until I started talking and trying to be myself. He stayed for almost an hour. He said he had no idea I was so sick. He said he knew I had lost a lot of weight, but he had been so wrapped in his own life, moving and all he just didn't see it. I told him it was my problem; he couldn't solve it. He seemed happy that I wasn't mad at him.
He brought me a huge bouquet of red roses. He said that red roses meant love. I could feel my face grow warm. When he left he kissed me on the mouth. It felt nice. I didn't feel any pressure.
I started my period this morning, which made everyone in the hospital ecstatic, except me. I had horrible cramps.
Brenda came by and I talked with her for a long time. I told her thank you for caring about me. She said she loved me a lot and she didn't want me to be hurt. She said she knew this has been a crazy year for all of us and she was sorry for her part in my craziness. I told her not to worry, that I loved her. She let me feel her stomach even though she is only four months pregnant. Of course, I didn't feel anything. But I pretended I did!
A really strange thing happened this morning. I got a phone call from some lady from the Jenny Jones talk show. She said they were having anorexics on the show and she wanted to know if I would be interested in being on. I asked her how she heard about me and she said that a friend of mine called her. She said her name was Rachael. I told her I was going to shoot Rachael. She said that would be on another show. I told her I wasn't really interested in baring my soul in front of millions of people I didn't know. She said they would give me one hundred dollars and pay for plane tickets for my whole family and a hotel for the night. I told her I would think about it. She gave me her phone number and asked me to call her back. Her name is Mickey like in mouse she said.
I called my mom and told her what Mickey said. She said it was my business if I wanted to go on. She said my dad and she would go with me, but they wouldn't go on.
I also called Rachael and called her a big rat. She laughed. She told me she thought they would give me more money than one hundred dollars when they asked for people who knew someone with anorexia to call in.
I asked her how things were going and she said that she met a new boy named Steve Wilson. She said she is crazy about him. He acts like he likes her too which is nice. She also asked me if Tom could call me. I said he could. I hadn't thought of Tom in a long time.
According to Tonya, my school is having a science field trip to see the whales after eighth grade graduation. Rachael said Mr. Bennett told her to tell me to get better so I could go. It's in two weeks. It would be so great if I could go. I hope my weight will go up to one hundred pounds so they would let me go home. I don't see how it will unless I eat one hundred peanut butter sandwiches in the next two weeks! And that will not be happening!
Dr. Anderson came by this morning and told me he was thinking of letting me go home today. He said I had to do one thing for him when I left. There is a program called Overeaters Anonymous he wanted me to go to. He said a lot of people that go to those meetings have eating disorders like me and I would feel very comfortable there. He said that even though I haven't gone up to the hundred pound mark, he could tell I am making progress. I guess Doris also told him our family counseling meetings have been going well, but she still wanted to see me on an outpatient basis. After he said I could go home and he left, I was so excited that I called my mom immediately.
"I'm sprung. They are letting me go home today," I told her.
"Have you reached your hundred pound goal?"
"No, but he is going to let me go home if I join something called Overeaters Anonymous and of course keep going to Doris," I said.
"I have heard of O.A. It is sort of like A.A., where people who drink too much go for help. They use a twelve-step program where they know they need a higher power for help and cannot do it themselves. I hope it can help you. Let me take a shower and then I'll come by and get you."
"Great."
The nurse came by and took out my I.V. It hurt a little and my wrist was sore, but it felt so good to not be hooked up to anything. I went to the bathroom just so I could go without dragging that stupid I.V. with me.
Melanie came by and ate my last meal with me. She said she was sad to see me go, but she was so happy that I seemed to be getting better. She had a food plan and a list of foods I am supposed to eat everyday. It still seemed like too much food for me, but I told her I would work on it.
Doris called me to say goodbye. She said she had a family emergency so she couldn't come in today. I made an appointment with her for a week from today. No matter what, I was going to keep it. It seemed like forever until my mom came to take me home. When she finally got there I was packed and ready to go. A very nice older lady came by with a wheel chair. I guess you can't leave the hospital unless you are wheeled out.
It felt so good to be outside. I felt like a mole. The sky was a beautiful blue and there was a light wind. When I stepped out of the wheel chair I thanked the woman and got in my mom's car. My feet were still a little sore, but the walks around the hospital helped me get back in shape.
My mother started the car and we left. I didn't ever want to go back in the hospital. I hoped I could get things under control so I didn't have to. I was a little scared about eating on my own and not having Melanie there to help me control my eating. Hopefully I have learned enough from her that I will be okay. I told my mom that I was thinking of going on that Jennie Jones show. I said maybe I could help someone else not get to where I was and maybe they'll get help before they have to stay a month in the hospital. She said that sounded like a noble idea.
I had a nice surprise when I got home. The whole family was there waiting for me. My mom had called everyone and they took the time off work to come home, even my dad. When I saw my father I felt a little shy remembering some of the things I had said to him with Doris around to protect me. I shyly smiled at him and he gave me a sheepish grin back. I walked over to him and he opened his arms wide and hugged me. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.
"Kaitlyn, I don't always say the right words, but you are, and have always been, my little princess," he said.
I knew then things were going to be okay.
The End
Available now on Amazon Kindle:
The adventures of Kaitlyn Simons continue in:
Relatively Normal
The Kaitlyn Chronicles #2
by
Elaine Babich
(read on for a sample)
When I was a little girl all I wanted was my father to call me princess. He didn't, instead he called me teasing names like "Chubs", "Chubby", and "Chub Steak".
This hurt me so bad that I went on a diet and lost a lot of weight. I had anorexia and bulimia. I never really blamed my father, I just wanted to end his teasing. I thought if I lost weight he would understand that I didn't like his name calling. That was my eighth grade year.
Now I am in the tenth grade. My ninth grade year wasn't so great either. Still I think this year may top it in the misery department.
Last year was so bad because my older sister, Brenda, had a baby boy and that made her so depressed she couldn't take care of him. My other sister Victoria, my mother, and I took turns taking care of him.
My nephew's name is Jake, my new nephew. The baby was not the problem, not for me anyhow. Jake was such an adorable, helpless infant and I enjoyed looking after him. He was so dependent and needed so much care that I enjoyed making him happy. The smile on his face made it okay for me to help.
What was hard on everyone was worrying about Brenda. We wondered if she was ever going to get over her postpartum depression. Constant trips to the psychiatrist and psychologist were taking a toll on my mother. Sometimes my mother was even difficult to understand. I wondered if she loved Brenda too much. There would come a point that Brenda would have to take responsibility for her own actions. I loved Jake as if he were my own, and was kind of glad to have someone else to think about other than myself because I suffered from anorexia and bulimia. I have been in remission for about a year now but am in constant danger of going back to that lifestyle and getting sick again, especially during times of stress. Bulimia was really a problem for me because of the control it had over me. When I felt sad, I actually felt sick. I was learning to have control in other areas of my life, so I no longer needed to harm myself by starving to death.
Anyway, last year sucked because Hugh, Brenda's husband, was killed in a drive-by drug-related shooting, the year before. He never acknowledged that Brenda was pregnant by him. His parents denied that the baby was his and refused to accept Jake as a grandchild. When Brenda applied for Hugh's social security, she couldn't get it. I really don't know what Hugh's parents have to gain by being mean. I guess they were so angry about Hugh's death that they needed to take it out on someone, and that was Brenda.
The funny thing is that Jake looked just like a little Hugh, except he was way cuter because he looked like our side of the family, too. He had blonde hair, blue eyes and he got sunburned very easily. He called my mom "Na Na" and my dad "Pa Pa". He called Victoria and me "auntie". We called him the baby or we called him Jakie.
He will be one year old next week and we were so excited to give him his first birthday party. We were making him two cakes. The small one will be his own cake that he can put his hands in, or even his face, which will be gross. The other cake will be for us to eat. We'll know that it won't have slobber all over it.
When Brenda learned that she couldn't get Hugh's social security benefits for the baby she about died. That was before Jake was born. She didn't have any money of her own and was desperate. We didn't know what we were going to do because my parents couldn't put her on their insurance unless Brenda put Jake up for adoption and my parents adopted him. There was no way Brenda would go for that, so she went on welfare. Oh my gosh, that was awful. There was so much paperwork and so much sitting or standing in line, so many questions. It caused Brenda to cry a lot.
She is still on welfare and she has to go down to the office all the time. Brenda hated it and always talked me into going with her. I didn't really mind going there that much because I got to see all of the darling little kids and stuff. The workers treated Brenda like she had no brains, and they took forever to process her case. We were recently down there for seven hours. I just took a book and read. If Brenda can leave Jake with my mom or sister she does. She doesn't like to bring him because the floors are really dirty. He used to get filthy, especially when he was a crawler. Now he is at the stage where he is walking all over. He doesn't sit still and always wants to get down and walk. I end up chasing him everywhere because Brenda is so depressed and out of it.
The last time we went to the Welfare Office I told Brenda that I was going to take charge of the situation.
I said, "I am not going to let your social worker talk down to you again. If she talks to you like you're stupid, I am going to say something to her about it."
"No, stay out of it Kaitlyn," Brenda said. She then freaked out and started crying. That is her problem, she is too emotional. She said, "I have to put up with their attitude, so they won't cancel my welfare benefits. I feel too tired to work right now."
"I understand being tired," I said. "I was wiped out when I had anorexia. I had no energy at all."
"So will you be quiet?" Brenda asked.
"I won't say anything, I'll just watch Jake."
I knew it would take time for Brenda to get well because she hadn't been eating well. I had to learn that food gave you energy and without it you didn't feel like doing anything. Brenda was eating, but not too much. Depression can make you feel like not eating.
As we were walking to our car I saw a boy from school, his name was Koichi. He often wrote me ugly notes so I did not like him. When I saw him, I ducked to the other side of Brenda because I did not want to speak to him.
On our way home from the welfare office I said to Brenda, "If you'll go through a drive-thru, I'll buy us a couple of hamburgers." I was feeling nervous like I needed food. Actually, I was not handling stress very well and did not want to get ill. But something was wrong in my head.
When I thought our house couldn't get any crazier, I woke up with my head spinning out of control and I couldn't breathe right. I thought I was going to swallow my tongue. I was gagging and trying to yell and could hear someone making horrible grunting noises. I did not know it was me. My head was thrust back and I felt stiff.
I heard Victoria yelling for my mom and dad while I was fading in and out of consciousness. Next, I felt someone pick me up and carry me to another room. I did not know what was wrong with me but later learned that I was in a gran mal seizure. I could hear everything that was going on in the room. I just couldn't communicate to them that I thought I was going to swallow my tongue. Finally, after about an hour (at least that was what it seemed like) an ambulance came and the paramedics turned me onto my side, and someone placed a pillow under my head. I finally started coming out of the seizure, gasping and trying to breathe. Everyone was looking at me and I started to cry.
"I thought I was going to die," I said.
The paramedic in charge said, "I am pretty sure you had a seizure. Since this was your first, we are going to take you to the hospital and have a doctor check you out."
"No," I said, pleading with my parents. I didn't want to go because I had really bad memories of being in the hospital when I was anorexic and had to stay there for like a month. I was fearful because my parents always threaten to send me back when I don't feel like eating.
"Please don't take me there," I said, crying.
My mother said, "I will make a same day appointment with our family doctor today."
"That will be okay," the paramedic said.
My mother said, "I don't want to be waiting around an emergency room all day with the baby, and Brenda is not well enough for us to leave him with her."
The emergency response team agreed that would be okay. One of the paramedics said, "Make sure a doctor sees her today. I'd like someone to call for you and make an appointment today."
. "I'll call, Mom," Victoria said as she was looking up the doctor's number in our phone book. She called the number and explained the situation.
"Hey, they said they had an early appointment that was canceled, so to take her right in." By then I was sitting on the couch and I felt like crap.
"Wow, Kaitlyn. That was really scary," Victoria said after the paramedics left.
"I was always afraid that something like this would happen," my mother said.
"Why, what is a seizure?" I asked my mom.
My Mom said, "Well, there are different things that cause seizures, but I think that was an epileptic seizure. It runs in my family. My birth father used to have them before I was born. He died when I was a baby, so I never saw him have one, but that is what it looked like to me. If that was an epileptic seizure, it's no wonder your grandmother took your grandfather to every kind of hospital trying to get him treatment before he died." My mother looked worried.
My dad said, "He didn't die of epilepsy. Don't scare the girls."
"I was trying to talk and all I was doing was grunting," I started to cry again and my voice quivered. "Is that what my grandfather used to do?"
"That is what I've always heard." She took in a deep breath and said, "I don't remember. I was just a baby when he died."
"This is not the time to talk about death," my dad said.
"I know and I am sorry," Mom said. "Get dressed Kaitlyn, We must go now."
Crud, I thought, now I had given my parents something else to worry about.
It was Christmas vacation and my dad was home from work. He was an elementary school teacher and my mom didn't work, so we only had one car. We were in luck and could use the car. Mom asked Dad if he wanted to go, but he said, "No, I will watch Jake, and use the time to study."
He was taking a Bible class at the church because he was a student at heart. He had gotten his masters' degree so he could make more money. His raise really came in handy with all of us living in the house.
I hurried and got dressed. I still felt ill and was worried about what just happened. I had never felt like my mind was doing something that I didn't know about before. I had absolutely no control of what was happening to me.
When we got to the doctor's office the nurse told me to go right in. We described to the doctor what had happened and he recommended that we see a neurologist in L.A., a Doctor Spiegel. He said that he was covered by our insurance. His nurse called Doctor Spiegel's office, and they said to come right over.
My mom got all flustered trying to get directions to the doctor's office, that was how she handled stress. She had a difficult time driving on the freeway. I tried to be quiet while she drove so she would not get more nervous. When we got to L.A. it was my duty to tell her which way to turn and where to go. By then she was quite upset. She kept yelling at me when I didn't tell her to turn soon enough. She later apologized. I forgave her because I could tell she was nervous about the appointment.
When we walked into the office the lady at the desk gave my mom some papers to fill out. I was bored so I started looking around the office. I was sorry I did. All of the people in the office looked like they were mentally challenged. Some were drooling and one even had a huge booger in his nose. I guess I made kind of a gagging noise and my mom looked up from her paper and frowned.
"Don't look honey. They can't help it," she whispered.
I dropped my head and tried to look only at my hands. A nurse came through the door and called my name.
"I have not completed the paperwork," my mother said.
The nurse said, "Just bring it with you."
When we got in the little room, the nurse gave me one of those dreaded gowns.
"Take off all your clothes and put this on," she said. "The doctor wants to do a complete physical exam on you. Then he will talk to you."
"I want my mother to stay with me," I said.
"Certainly," said the nurse and walked out.
When I took off my clothes, I was glad I had gained some weight. The last time my mom saw me naked she cried. But she did not mention it this time.
"I like the way your hair grew back in," my mother said. My hair had fallen out due to poor nutrition.
"Me too, but it is darker than I remembered," I said.
"The sun will bleach it out soon," she said.
"I hope so. I liked having blonde hair," I said.
"It is still blonde, just a darker blonde. Kind of a honey blonde," she said. She seemed to be deliberately avoiding the subjects of seizures and anorexia.
After I put the gown on, I sat down on the examining table that looks like a bed. I began to shake. "I need answers," I said.
"Are you nervous?" my mother asked.
"No, I just want to know what I had, and I want to not ever have one again," I said.
"I am sure you had a seizure. If we learn that you have epilepsy, I am going to feel so bad. They told me when I got pregnant that epilepsy skips a generation. I did not want to believe them. My father had it and his sister had it and I think you have a second cousin who has it," she said.
"Don't you know for sure?"
"No Kaitlyn, I don't."
"Why do you not know?" I asked.
"Well, her parents have always denied it, but there has always been rumors. One of your aunts told me she saw the girl have a seizure once."
"Was it like mine?" I asked.
"What she described sounded very similar," she said.
"Why does her family deny that she has epilepsy?"
"Oh, I think it is the old taboo about mental illness. Some people believe having seizures is like having a demon in them. In the Bible there is a story about Jesus healing a sick boy who had fits because he was demon possessed. There are Bible translators who interpret the passage as being an epileptic seizure."
"Some people probably get it mixed up. That sounds totally stupid," I said.
"You're right," said Mom. "Epilepsy is a neurological disorder. It can be controlled with medication."
"I hope so."
"It is true. That is why we are here and not at a witch doctor," my mom said and sort of laughed. I laughed too, not knowing what else to do.
There was a knock at the door. My mother said, "Come in." A tall man with dark hair came in and immediately washed his hands. As he was toweling his hands off, he introduced himself as Doctor Spiegel.
"How are you doing?" he asked, extending his right hand and shaking mine.
"Fine," I said automatically. I then laughed self-consciously. "I am not fine or I wouldn't be here."
"True. I understand you had a scary morning." He turned and asked my mother, "Did you see her have the seizure?"
"Well, she was coming out of it by the time I learned what was happening," she said. "I think I saw just the end of it."
"Would you please describe to me what you did see," the doctor said, as he sat down on his stool.
"She was stiff as a board. My husband had carried her out of the bedroom, and she looked like an ironing board as he brought her out. Her head was hung back and she was grunting. Also, she was sort of kicking and having a spasm at the same time."
"Do you remember the seizure?" He asked me gently.
"Yes, I was very afraid I would swallow my tongue. I tried to speak and tell someone to help me, all I could do was grunt. I felt a strange heaviness in my mind and body. I also heard a sort of buzzing in my head," I said.
"Do you know how long the seizure was?"
"It felt like forever. Probably an hour," I said.
The doctor laughed, "It probably felt like it. The longest seizure that has been documented is a little over four minutes."
"Wow," I said.
"I would like to examine you now if that is okay," he said.
"Okay," I said.
He looked in my ears, my mouth and my eyes. He listened to my heart. He then stood in front of me and told me to touch his finger with my finger, but to first touch my nose. He would move his finger around and I would try to follow it. I lost my balance a few times and almost toppled off the table. He then asked me to get down and walk a straight line for him. I had a hard time doing that. He then had me put one leg to the side and he tickled the bottom of my foot with a stick by going straight across it. He asked me to sit back on the table and he hit my knees with the same stick and my legs moved a little. He kept at that stick thing, poking me one place after another. It tickled a little, but I didn't feel like laughing, so I just sat there.
"Kaitlyn's reflexes seem slow," he said. "Is she on any medication?"
"No, nothing," my mother said.
"I will put her on some medication, but I don't want to over medicate her. So, I would like her to have an EEG first. I will then be able to determine what medication she needs. The problem is I don't want her to have any more seizures, but I also need to know what kind of epilepsy she has before we medicate her," he said. "There is more than one kind."
"So she has epilepsy," my mom said.
"It would appear so," the doctor said.
"What's an EEG?" I asked.
"An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test that measures and records the electrical activity of your brain by using sensors (electrodes) attached to your head," the doctor said. "I am going to talk to my nurse now and see if we can schedule her EEG today. This one will be a short one, and then we will schedule her to do an overnight one later." He left the room.
I looked at my mother. She had tears in her eyes. I could tell she was trying to not let me see how upset she was. My mother said, "I have heard my mother speak of EEGs often."
"Attached to my head," I almost yelled. "He wants to attach them to my head."
"Shh," she said, "I am pretty sure they have a better way to do it now then when my father was alive."
The doctor came back in and said that the nurse would take me in to have the EEG. He said for my mom to go with me.
I asked, "Can I put my clothes on?"
The doctor said, "You might want to keep the paper gown on because the glue they use to stick the electrodes on is really goopy."
Great, I thought. "Will it hurt?"
"Not much. They are attached to the scalp and easily removed."
The doctor left. We waited like it seemed forever for the nurse to come in and get us. Finally she came in and asked us to go with her. I grabbed the back of my gown, closing it, not wanting any perverts to get a look while I walked down the hall. We got to a room where a man with a gray beard was sitting by a computer.
"This is Doctor Maury," the nurse said. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
"Hop up on the bed and lay flat on your back," he said to me. Then he said to my mom, "There is a chair right here for you to sit and watch."
"Thanks." She sat down. The nurse left.
I got on the bed gingerly so my gown wouldn't open. I lay flat on my back. Up on the ceiling were pictures of Sesame Street characters, Elmo and the gang. Doctor Maury came up behind me and asked, "When was the last time you washed your hair?" I said yesterday and he said that was good. "The machine works better on clean hair." He asked, "Do you know what I am going to do?"
I said no and he explained in detail about the electrodes being glued to my head and that it would not hurt much. He said, "Mostly, it will be messy." He started grabbing little pieces of my hair and sticking pointy metal things to my head. I guess those were the electrodes. He talked to my mom about my seizure, and he actually worked rather quickly over my head. He had to glue a few to my forehead, and they felt gross. Other than that it was painless. When he was done, he sat on his chair by the computer.
"Do you think you could sleep for me now, Kaitlyn?" He asked me.
I thought about it. I was kind of tired. I said, "I will try."
"I can't ask for more than that," he said.
"I am going to have you open and shut your eyes for while and do some deep breathing. Then I will let you try to sleep," Dr. Maury said. The opening and shutting my eyes was okay, but the deep breathing was hard, and I thought I would faint before he was done.
"Okay, try to sleep now," he said shutting off the lights.
I did my usual trick that I do when I can't sleep. It was to think about what I dreamed the night before. Luckily I could remember because it was a good one about my boyfriend, Aaron. Even though Aaron moved away I still keep in touch by phone, email, and texting. He might be seeing other girls now. I have no way of knowing because he lives so far away and I can't visit him. I have had about a hundred crushes on other boys since he left, so I can't say anything to him if he does go out.
Thinking about how I felt about Aaron in my dream was peaceful. I felt myself drifting off to sleep and my eyelids felt very heavy. I heard the doctor whisper to my mom that I was asleep. I fell into a deep sleep.
Oh my gosh, I felt like I was going to die.
My tongue was going to the back of my throat. "Mom, help me" I tried to scream, but the words did not come out. I started shaking and moving around on the bed. I heard my mom say, "She is having a seizure." I panicked when I heard the fear in her voice. "Help me, please," I tried to say. Finally my tongue loosened up and I thought I could finally talk.
"Mommy help me", I cried. My head started to clear and that awful buzzing began to fade away. I opened my eyes and looked into Dr. Maury's face. He was smiling.
"It registered," he said.
I felt the same way I did this morning, like I weighed a thousand pounds. My arms felt limp beside me. "How long was that one?" I asked. My mom and Doctor Maury laughed. From relief it sounded like. "Oh, about two minutes. It was a good one," he said smiling. This guy is nuts, I decided.
We were making so much noise the nurse came in. She got excited when she heard I had a seizure and said she was going to call Dr. Spiegel. Dr. Spiegel came rushing in, read the computer, and said, "Oh this one was beautiful." They are all nuts.
My mother was the only one who was not excited. She looked scared. "What does all this mean?" she asked. "We usually don't get such a strong seizure to register on an EEG. Most people who come in and say they have had a seizure don't show a reading. We believe them because only someone crazy would make that up. We put them on the EEG, and we get nothing. Your daughter is rare indeed," Dr. Spiegel answered my mom, then he left the room.
"Is the test over?" I asked wanting to get up and have the electrodes taken off of me.
"Yes," Dr. Maury said, "Let me take the electrodes off, and you can go see Dr. Spiegel in his office." Whooeee, I thought.
The electrodes were stuck to my head and hair. It hurt a little when Dr. Maury pulled on them. Some of my hair came out as well, but I was glad that he hurried. I was able to get up. "Can I put my clothes on now?," I asked the nurse who was still in the room beaming at me.
"Sure," she said, "Just go back in the room you were in before and put them on. When you are ready Dr. Spiegel will see you."
I went back into the first room and put my clothes on then went over to the sink to wash my hands because the glue in my hair got all over them. There was a little mirror over the sink and I looked in it. When I did, I almost screamed. My hair was sticking up all over and there was blue glue all through it where the electrodes had been.
"Mom, help me get this stuff out of my hair," I said.
She came over and started rubbing my head hard.
"Ouch," I said. "You're hurting me."
"Maybe we can brush it out," she said as she pulled out the purple brush that she always kept in her purse and started brushing. All the brush did was smear the glue worse and it got all over the brush. "You will have to wait until you get home and wash it out," she said. "I can't help."
The nurse knocked on the door. "Are you decent?"
"Yes," I said, if decent was looking like a monster.
"Let's go see the doctor then," she said smiling.
"Okay," I said. We walked down the hall to a little office that had one large chair in it and two smaller chairs across from a huge desk. There were toys everywhere, nice toys. Not the kind little kids like Jake play with, but nicer looking toys that adults collect. "Nice collection," I said.
"Thanks. Please have a seat," Dr. Spiegel said.
My mom and I sat down. The nurse quietly left the room and shut the door behind her.
"Kaitlyn has epilepsy. A rather harsh kind too. It is called gran mal epilepsy. We need to get her on medication immediately so she can stop having seizures. I am going to put her on Tegretol XR. It is a good medicine for this kind of epilepsy, and if taken right should get her back to normal soon," Dr. Spiegel said.
"Kaitlyn has never really been normal," my mom said, grinning.
I gave her a mean look and said, "Mother!"
"No, really. She has had bouts with anorexia, and we do everything we can to keep her weight up. Will this medicine make her nauseated so she won't want to eat?" asked my mom.
"Some people feel sick when they first take it, but others do just fine. Let's try it out and see how she does, okay?" he asked.
"Okay," my mom said. "Will she need to be on some kind of special diet?"
"There is a theory that a high fat diet helps to not have seizures, but in this day and age most people won't go on it," Dr. Spiegel said. I shook my head at my mom. She nodded her head. She knew there was no way I was going to go on a high fat diet. Dr. Spiegel smiled, "Do you see what I mean?"
"Yes. Of course." My mom gathered her purse under her arm. This was a sign she was ready to go. "I totally trust your expertise." Dr. Spiegel got the hint. He started writing on a little tablet. After writing, he signed it and handed it to my mom. It was a prescription for my medication.
"I want her to take just one tablet in the morning to start out with and then after a week go to one tablet in the morning and one in the evening. Then finally go to one in the morning and two in the evening. That will be the maximum. Hopefully by then she will be controlled," Dr. Spiegel said as he stood,"I would like to see her in a month."
We thanked the doctor and left his office. People stared at me. I was so glad to leave that I forgot that the glue in my hair made me look like a freak.
About the Author:
Elaine Babich is also the author of Relatively Normal, Falling Again and Jumping Down. Elaine currently lives in Southern California with her husband and three children. For more about Elaine and her books, please find her on Facebook.

