
::: 1 :::
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Catch Him And
Keep Him
What Every Woman Should
Know About How To Catch Her Mr.
Right... And Keep Him for Good
By Christian Carter www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com
©2006, All Rights Reserved
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One evening you're spending a romantic dinner with a man you're dating and you say to him:
"What do you think about us... You know... about the future?"
Or you say something like...
"I don't feel like you tell me about your feelings.... How do you feel about where this is going? You know, about our relationship?"
So you've asked a simple question, right? And when he can't answer you in the way you hoped, you become upset or disappointed.
Yeah, I know... men can do all sorts of really STUPID stuff with these questions. Avoiding, turning things around, acting like you dropped a bomb on them, ignoring what you said, saying tired lines like, "It's not you, it's me", or reacting with fear and anger.
So what's going on here?
The reality is that men have spent much less time than you do thinking about their emotions, attractions, and intentions---or their "inner world."
It's time to learn how men think and what to do about it as a woman.
You're about to be introduced to knowledge and information that can have such an amazing impact on your love life.
If you read this book and make an ongoing effort to learn its content, then your perspective on men, dating, and relationships can change. This change could mean the difference between being happy and in love or lonely and single.
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Best of all, you'll learn the truth about dating and men without having to go through the painful failure and heartbreak that other women have suffered.
The information in this book boils down to the key elements of meeting and attracting men, the courtship process, and setting yourself up to be in a successful long-term relationship with a man.
Psychologists, social scientists, writers, thinkers, etc.
tend to focus on the "later stages" of love when people have found each other or are already married.
There's a whole lot that happens before two people commit into a relationship, but these earlier stages and processes usually don't get much attention.
For lots of women, just finding a great guy can be tough.
First she has to find him and meet him. Then she has to attract him and feel attracted to him. Then she has to get to know him and make sure he isn't some player. Then she has to figure out how to keep the chemistry alive.
It's an incredible process that can be overwhelming for lots of women. So why does it have to be so hard with men?
Why do ALL of these things have to fall into place with men before any of the deeper feelings and longer term commitments come into play?
Well, that's what we're here to talk about.
It's taken me a long time to figure out the things that you're about to learn. I've spent years on this stuff and discovered that learning about attraction and dating play a HUGE role in building the foundation and setting the course for a long-term relationship between men and women.
I think the early stages of attraction and dating are more significant than most people think. A strong and lasting impression is formed when a man and a woman first meet and date.
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If a woman doesn't know much about how a man views love, relationships, and attraction, then she's bound to run into problems that keep her from creating lasting love. But if she chooses to learn how to have a man understand her perspective and desires and she also learns how to understand his, then finding and creating what she wants in her love life is hers for the taking.
As we're growing up, we're taught about love, emotions, marriage, and all the things necessary for a relationship. But if you're like 99.8% of the people on the planet, then no one ever told you how attraction works, how to meet men, and what men are really thinking as they're getting to know a woman and how or why they commit in a relationship.
This book is jam-packed with this kind of information. It's meant to be used as a reference. The best way to use it is to read and find all the parts you like and all of the ideas, skills, and techniques upon which you would like to improve. Then take those sections and write them down or print them out so you can remind yourself. Read them out loud and maybe talk about it with other women you know who might need the help of this book.
But don't assume that reading it once will solve all your problems. Make a note when you find a section that applies to your situation.
Get a journal and jot down the ideas that grab your attention. Keep these ideas processing in your mind.
The more you do this the more insights and "Aha"
moments you'll have -- and the more dramatic improvements you will have in your love life.
Right now it's up to you.
I can't do all the learning and practice for you. It's you who has got to make the decision that you'll do whatever it takes to get to that next level of understanding.
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Success with men isn't as simple as learning to drive a car. The rules change and there are always exceptions to the case.
Success with men is more like learning to play a musical instrument. It takes practice and learning. At first none of it makes any sense. Sometimes it seems as though all of your practice isn't making a difference.
But if you keep at it, eventually you'll be playing songs.
And then you'll be writing songs. The next thing you know, you've become a master.
So take this book and use it as a workbook. Come back to it often. Reread the parts that you want to learn and integrate them in your daily life. Take a look and learn from some of the other books and information I've referenced. And most importantly, DON'T STOP READING UNTIL YOU'RE DOING IT.
Many people make the mistake of reading a book and say
"I know that stuff" before they've mastered the information.
Don't make this mistake yourself. Keep reading and practicing until you HAVE IT DOWN.
At some point you'll develop your own insights beyond what's in this book, and you'll become an expert in the world of dating and relationships.
Congratulations, by the way. You're taking an amazing step by investing in your own life to figure things out. If you stay with it, you'll have amazing results in lots of other areas, especially in your love life.
Do me a favor. E-mail me with your ideas, comments, and complaints. I want to know what you think. You can email me at:
christian@catchhimandkeephim.com
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Notice To Bad People
This book is copyright 2006 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from any parts of this book. When you purchased this book, you agreed to the statement similar to this one that is listed on my website:
©2006, All Rights Reserved. If you try to copy, steal, or distribute all or any parts of my book or this web page without permission, I will have my attorney contact you and make you wish you never had such a foolish idea. Count on it. By purchasing this book, you agree to the following: You understand that the information contained in this book represents a personal opinion and should be used for entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your own behavior and no part of this book should be considered legal or personal advice.
I expect you to abide by these rules. I regularly and actively search the Internet for people who violate my copyrights. Now that we're finished with the bad people notice, let's learn about how to be successful with men.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Part 1: Finding the Hidden Secrets to Success with Men.......................... 11
Chapter 1. Inside the Mind of A Man . 12
The Inner World........................................ 12
The "Male" Role ....................................... 13
Wake Up! And Change Your Perspective on Men . 15
Nature's Way ........................................... 20
Lover or Mother........................................ 22
The Myth That Men Only Want One Thing ......... 23
The Danger of a "Connection" ...................... 24
The Trouble with Catching a "Catch" .............. 25
Players and Other Negative Traps .................. 27
Chapter 2. How I Learned About a Woman's Experience................................. 31
My Story ................................................. 31
Initial Thoughts ........................................ 32
Chapter 3. Men and Relationships .... 36
Be Honest About What You Want ................... 36
Selectivity Means Success ............................ 38
Why Men Want To Date Forever..................... 43
How To Think About A Relationship With A Man.. 46
The "Convincer" ....................................... 50
The Relationship Balance ............................ 53
Important Signals ...................................... 57
Part 2: Feelings: Your Best Friend and Your Worst Enemy ........................ 60
Chapter 5. Your Experience & What You Feel ......................................... 60
Acceptance and Emotional "Fitness"............... 60
Awareness & Internal Observation.................. 62
Be Comfortable As a Woman......................... 64
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The Science of Emotions ............................. 65
Emotions Are Contagious ............................. 68
Internal States ......................................... 69
A Story about Vicki .................................... 70
Chapter 6. The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Their Emotions .............. 72
Emotional "Display Rules" ........................... 72
Emotional Potential ................................... 74
Forcing Your Feelings on a Man ..................... 76
Relationship Debt...................................... 77
Chapter 7. The Emotional Gap: How Men and Women Are Different and What to Do About It..................................... 82
Mismatches & the Emotional Bridge ................ 82
Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women........ 85
Taking Emotional Ownership ........................ 94
Part 3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words---So What Are You Saying?....... 96
Chapter 8. How to Attract Men........ 98
Attraction: What's The Big Deal? ................... 98
Keep It Simple ......................................... 99
The "Curse" Of the Physically Attractive Woman102
Physical and Intellectual Attraction ...............105
How Selfish Behavior Creates Attraction .........106
Personality Traits That Attract Men ...............107
The "Natural" Way to Attract Men ................110
Be Unique & Unpredictable .........................114
Triggering a Deeper Level of Attraction in Men .116
On Testing and Challenging Men ...................121
Neediness & Insecurity ..............................123
Assuming the Part ....................................125
How Men and Women Usually Meet................128
About Dating ..........................................130
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Chapter 9. From Casual to Committed --
Communication Secrets with Men & New Relationships .............................134
Start With the End in Mind ..........................134
Speaking His Language...............................135
Thinking in Time Frames ............................136
Setting "Relationship Standards" ..................139
Pushing His Secret Communication Button .......141
Chapter 10: Keeping Him Attracted To You, Or "How to Have a Long Term Relationship"
..............................................146
The Life of a Relationship...........................146
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Success with Men
In this section I'm going to give you insights into how men think and what women need to know in order to succeed with men.
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Chapter 1. Inside the Mind of A Man Let's start off with the inside scoop on men. Everything you read here has come from years of personal research and readings from other experts in the world on topics such as psychology, human behavior, communication, attraction, evolution, biology, physiology, and human sexuality.
Of course men have their differences, but as a group, men have a whole lot in common when it comes to their psychology, behavior, and emotional state. Look at how men like to watch sports, read Maxim Magazine, talk about cars, and act competitively. Women would go nuts if they were stuck doing these things all day
Listen... If you're thinking that men don't make any sense right now -- YOU'RE RIGHT. So don't try to make sense of what a man does, feels, and says. Men are "wired" differently than women. The sooner you get that men are different, the sooner you'll start to see the secrets to attracting a man and keeping him committed in the relationship.
For most women, dating a man is like looking at an iceberg. Much of what's there is below the surface. The behavior and communication you get from a man is what I call the "outer world". It doesn't show what's actually going on underneath the surface in the "inner world" of his psychology and emotions.
Men have been practicing their whole lives to hide their
"inner world." They've been conditioned to hide or ignore their emotions for most of their lives. So it should come as no surprise that lots of men are completely out of touch and unaware of their inner world.
The Inner World
Most men don't have an idea of a perfect long-term relationship - at least not one that would make sense to a woman. With most men, they're making it up as they go along.
It's rare to find a single, attractive, and successful man.
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And it's even rarer to find a man with these qualities who ALSO
wants to settle down in the near future. And the rarest of all men is one who's ready to commit to a relationship or marriage in the same time frame that a woman might want.
Ninety percent of men's goals might be summed up as
"stay single until I find some reason to settle down." But most men don't have any earthly idea of what makes a good reason to settle down. I mean, how often do you hear men sitting around watching the ball game, drinking a beer, and talking about how they want their relationship to progress and bring more long-term fulfillment and satisfaction? About as often as you win the lottery.
But I know you've heard the men you know sit around and talk about sports, their work, their cool new phone, and a friend's new car or truck. You know, "guy talk."
In other words, men and women have different ways of communicating. Women believe that most men have a huge weakness because of their inability to get in touch with their
"inner world" of feelings and emotions. So if a man doesn't think much about his "inner world", how do you ever expect him to give you a clear answer about something as emotionally complex as your relationship?
But women often ask men about their feelings out of the blue and expect a great response about how much he cares about her. Hello! It's about as surprising as a traffic jam in rush hour that the answers men usually give in this situation aren't what the woman would want to hear. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect men to easily express their inner world.
The "Male" Role
Let's talk about how and why men express their feelings differently from women.
The world around us plays a large part in how our "inner world" develops and how it is allowed to express itself. Our society has thousands of rules, manners, and other expected behaviors.
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If you look at the social rules for men, you'll see a ton of them aimed at keeping men from acknowledging or embracing their emotions. And forget about men expressing their emotions frankly and openly. It's an unspoken norm that men not do this openly. And only in the last several years has it become mainstream and OK for men to explore and communicate their deeper emotions and experiences.
There just weren't any books for men about relationships and their emotional world 10 years ago -- it was basically taboo.
From a young age most men are taught to restrain their emotions. Several studies show that mothers expose their infant daughters to a wider range of emotions than they do with their infant sons. Mothers also work harder to control and limit the emotional ups and downs of their sons.
Fathers play a part too. They may rough-house with their sons, but they interact on more emotional terms with their daughters.
As kids get older, both parents discourage sons from expressing vulnerable emotions but encourage daughters to do so.
Have you ever seen the situation where a guy won't admit to his friends that he has a girlfriend or a woman he's interested in?
What's going on here?
In most cases it's not just him being shy. Most men expect other men to avoid showing any emotional sensitivity or being in touch with their feelings, especially in a way in which women can relate. If a man shows this type of sensitivity, he's ridiculed by other men as not manly or masculine.
Men LOVE to do this with each other when they're hanging out together in groups. What's happening is that they're reinforcing the stereotypical social role of men as
"tough" characters who have little inner-emotional experience.
It's as though men get to a place where they're largely
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unaffected emotionally by the outside world.
Can you say "unavailable?"...
Wake Up! And Change Your Perspective on Men Let's face it. Men suck when it comes to communicating feelings. They also tend to suck when it comes to being in intimate relationships. Most women can't understand why men are so unwilling to explore and commit.
On the other hand, most men are driven nuts by women's constant emotional search for meaning in their interactions.
Men can't for the life of them understand why women experience the world this way. They see it all as unnecessary
"drama."
It's the timeless battle of who's right: Are men emotional deadbeats or are women too emotionally charged (or as men would like to believe, hysterical)?
The reality is that no one's "right." What matters is that you're willing to do what it takes to make things work with men. Just like how most men need to wise up and realize that they need to take the time and figure out what works with women.
So, in the interest of what matters, here are some important truths:
Truth #1: Changing your perspective about someone is the best way to help them change their perspective about you.
Truth #2: Nothing will change in your life until you change your own BEHAVIOR.
Truth #3: The ONLY way to actually change your behavior is to change your mindset or perspective.
So let's start with a shift in thinking about men.
Let me ask you a few questions about your man. Take a few minutes to think about them:
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• Is he emotionally available?
(In other words, does he openly and willingly connect with you? Does he respond to your emotional needs in a positive or supportive way?)
• Does he openly share his feelings with you?
• Do you think he's happy "settling down", or do you think he still wants a few adventures on his own?
• Does he want a lover and a partner in life, or is he simply more interested in a lover to share the night with?
When you think about these questions, make sure you avoid a common mistake: Don't assume what he wants is the same thing YOU want. And don't assume what he wants will make any sense to you.
Believing what you want is what a man wants is the ultimate form of vanity. I call it "Selfish Love", and I'll talk about this later in the book and how it can ruin a great situation.
Of course it works the other way around too---men can be so difficult to deal with when they think a woman wants what they want, feel what they feel (or don't feel), and act how they act.
Ever had a guy think you were crazy for wanting to spend more time or to be more connected with him?
Some men are great at pretending that their way of behaving, communicating, feeling, or loving is the only way that makes sense. And if you act differently as a woman, they'll make you out to be someone who is overly sensitive, needy, etc. just because you have a different way of interacting and connecting than they do.
And now we're back to the question of who's right: the
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man or the woman?
Remember that what's really important is WHAT WORKS, not who's right.
So I'll cut to the chase. Here's what works....
"Seek to understand and you'll be understood."
This approach has been more valuable to me in my personal relationships than any other single thought or piece of advice. When you seek to understand how another person sees things in a situation, you're simply giving yourself a much broader perspective from which you can make choices and actions.
On the other hand, when you limit your perspective, all you have are your own opinions, judgments, and expectations which in contrast are much narrower.
I tend to believe that having the much broader, informed perspective is BETTER when it comes to making decisions. Not always, but most of the time.
So whenever I want to learn more about another person or I'd like to have a specific outcome with them, I try the following exercise:
First comes the "Escape Stage". I take all of my own opinions, judgments, and expectations about the person and the situation in question and allow them to escape from my mind.
Then comes the "Understanding Stage". I spend several minutes just understanding the person by thinking about their opinions, judgments, and expectations. Then I ask myself the following questions:
• What's important to them?
• What do t hey like and dislike?
• What do they want from me?
Once I have some insight into what it's like to be them,
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then comes the "Identity Stage". Here I literally imagine that I've become the person in question. I assume all of their opinions, judgments, and expectations about the situation in question and ask myself:
• How does this make me feel and react?
• What do I care about the most?
• What do I disagree with or dislike in the situation?
Doing this exercise and thinking about these questions from the other person's perspective will take you closer to consider OBJECTIVELY what's going on around you since you're using two perspectives and not just your own. By learning this exercise, you'll start to gain the ability to get out of your own head for a few minutes. It's then that you'll begin to have all sorts of fascinating insights you wouldn't have had before.
I've found something fascinating that relates to this ability to get out of your own head. Women who are successful and happy with the men they date consistently behave and communicate by trying to see these two perspectives. Women who are not successful or happy in their relationships don't.
And it's strange what happens with the women that are seeing both perspectives -- they're often the women who are the most successful and happy AND the ones who consistently behave and communicate in ways that make no emotional sense to many other women.
They also don't worry about things lots of other women worry about... They exude a certain confidence and energy that men pick up on and naturally respond to.
Because they "get" that men can see things differently, especially when it comes to feelings and emotions, they don't try to resist the differences but instead seek to make good use of them.
The challenge is that what works with men won't always make sense to you as a woman. You have to stop trying to make sense out of a man's perspective.
And on the flip-side of the coin, you have to stop wanting
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a man to understand or validate your feelings and perspectives in every situation.
This is what's called "Approval Seeking". And doing so won't get you very far with anyone around you, especially men.
Here's where I'm going with this...
Almost any situation with a man can be difficult, regardless of whether you're just dating, in a relationship, in love with each other, or involved in the initial attraction stages.
That's the nature of life. But it's up to YOU to choose how you want to respond to each situation.
I've found that there are basically three "approaches"
women can take with men:
1. The Logical Approach.
Here your approach is not based on how you and a man communicate and interact with each other, but how you run everything through your mind and use rational judgment to consider the situation.
2. The Emotional Approach.
Here your way of interacting is based on your emotional reaction to what is happening. You use your feelings and emotions to make sense of the situation to determine what it means to you and to decide what you should do or say as a result.
3. The Intuitive Approach.
This is a dynamic, balanced blend of all your senses. You take all the information available to you from both your
"rational mind" and your "emotional mind."
The intuitive approach is the one used by women who I think are the most successful at attracting and building lasting and enjoyable relationships with men.
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This approach transcends the ability to see, feel, and hear what's going on. It's a balanced approach of logic, observation, experience, perspective, and emotional perception. These women easily "know" what's going on with a man.
Most women have amazing, natural intuitive abilities just waiting to be used. Unfortunately, it's their own mind that usually creates the blocks and filters to the intuitive messages they normally receive.
The most common block is the intense desire to have a relationship work out exactly the way they hoped. But when you have tunnel vision around your own reality, it clouds your ability to sense and see things for what they really are.
Nature's Way
In the animal kingdom, the female of the species usually selects her mate by either accepting or rejecting the male's advances and courtship behaviors. The same pattern has gone on with humans for hundreds and thousands of years.
Even when the man selects the woman, successful long-term relationships often have the characteristic of woman being "in control" of what happens. You can see it in how the man usually proposes marriage to the woman and how she decides whether or not to accept his proposal or in how mothers often have the final word as the matriarch in a family setting.
Women have a natural instinct that makes them highly selective when it comes to finding a mate. I think these selectivity instincts come in part from the need to protect their own limited reproductive resources. A few behavioral examples of women's selectivity instincts in action are testing men, challenging men, playing hard to get, or having men compete for their attention.
And then there's men...
Most men aren't nearly as selective about their choice of female partners, especially younger, more attractive, and less
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emotionally mature men. These men generally seek out more partners more often, exuding a more extroverted sexual vibe, and carry more reproductive "resources" than women. With all these major differences and the traditional roles in society that men have, it's no surprise that men are often the ones approaching and pursuing women.
This long-standing dynamic between men and women setups certain "roles" that are often played out: The woman takes the role of the "selector" who accepts or rejects the man's advances.
The man takes the role of the "selectee" who makes advances and displays courtship behaviors to get a woman's attention.
It's this role of the "selector" that can be a TREMENDOUS
courtship advantage for women... but for some women things work MUCH differently. Somehow these roles seem to be reversed. For them it's men who have become the ones being chased and allowed to make the decisions about the woman.
Some women feel that they're the ones who need to go and get a man to express interest in them. They often feel like they are working for a man's approval and acceptance. So they do all sorts of things such as dressing up, trying to act overly sexy, and pretending to like doing things a guy is interested in even if they don't.
When did the tables turn?
Well, they didn't. What's happened is that a lot of women have allowed themselves to be driven by their emotions and desire to have a fulfilling relationship with a man in their life.
Their desire for a relationship overshadows their instinct to select only the best potential candidates or mates. As a result, they move from the strong position of the "selector" to the weaker position of the "selectee."
A great example of this role reversal starts with how some women get intoxicated from the initial chemistry with a man.
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Even if little has happened between a man and woman to bring them closer towards a committed relationship, the woman ends up idealizing the future. For the woman, who is more in touch with her feelings and more comfortable with emotional intimacy, the relationship can be a foregone conclusion based on the initial chemistry and connection that she feels.
But if you've had any past experience, then you know that a man's "commitment tempo" is much slower than a woman's.
In other words, men aren't necessarily driven towards becoming committed on the basis of just chemistry. Men usually take longer to arrive at the decision about whether they want something more serious with a woman OR whether they just simply want to understand how a relationship with a woman fits into their lives.
Lover or Mother
A man has two ways he can see a woman in his mind if he's interested in her. First, he can see a woman as someone he'd date seriously (i.e. "relationship material"). Second, he can see a woman as someone he's just interested in getting physically involved.
These are two completely separate things in a man's mind. Remember, a man can have sex without experiencing ANY desire for a relationship, so don't assume that if you're having sex that he's thinking "relationship."
Some men can seem shallow or cold. And it's impossible for a woman to understand or identify with this kind of behavior.
And let me remind you of something important to you if you're single. A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can go from seeing a woman as "relationship material" to a woman he's just dating until the right one comes along with relative ease.
But... it's extremely difficult in a man's mind for a woman to go from being the "just a physical attraction" thing to
"relationship material" woman.
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In other words, don't EVER start off as the "casual girl" if you want the option of a relationship in the future. And if a relationship is what you're after, you have to be "girlfriend material" and make sure that a relationship is the only acceptable way for you to be with him FROM THE VERY
BEGINNING.
Some women think that they can catch a guy and keep him interested by dressing sexy and luring him with the physical aspects of intimacy. Like the "friends with benefits"
approach. These women think they're taking the quick and easy road. Secretly, they believe that he'll become interested once he realizes how much she loves him and how special their connection is.
Unfortunately, it's a hopeless situation to try and keep a man and build a real relationship using your sexuality. If you haven't talked about a relationship, commitment, or fidelity with a man, then my advice is not to assume anything. With lots of men, a connection DOES NOT automatically mean they want to be in a relationship.
The Myth That Men Only Want One Thing Have you ever heard other women talking about men when they're frustrated say:
"Oh, men only want one thing!"
I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say something to this effect, and I cringe each time. Saying this shows that you're out of touch with what goes on with men and their sexuality. It shows that you still need to understand a man's perspective and accept it for what it is -- good or bad.
Here's the deal... The myth that women perpetuate that
"men want only one thing" shows a lack of understanding about what men experience with their hormones and their resulting emotions and drives.
I'm not saying that it's "OK" for men to cheat whenever they want, or for men to act like sex-hungry dogs incapable of settling down. I'm talking about the belief in the "men only
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want one thing" myth. Women who carry these notions are narrowing their approach towards finding success and harmony with a man. Believing that men only want one thing is basically limiting your perception of men to a stereotype.
The Danger of a "Connection"
For as long as I can remember, I've heard women talk about something they call "chemistry" or a "connection."
Women use these words to describe a feeling they have with a man without checking to see if the man shares the same feelings. These women would even gamble their chances of having a relationship and finding love on a guy who gives them those types of feelings.
There's a common thread to a majority of the situations where women find they're in a relationship with the "wrong"
guy: the guy usually cheats on them, dumps them, or disappoints them because he won't commit. The reason often is that the "connection" or "chemistry" was the only thing that the man and woman had in common.
In other words, there weren't any other shared interests or values, much less any ongoing communication that could lead to a good future together.
I've even seen situations where a woman after dating a guy for a brief amount of time begins to enjoy the idea of being around the man more than actually being with him. The connection and attraction was really all there was, but the woman was still holding on tight and wouldn't let go of all the meaning she had put into the connection.
Crazy but true.
I read an interesting article about the concept of what humans experience when they're falling for someone and feeling a strong connection.
The article talked about how newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner by exaggerating the virtues they see in the other and rationalize or minimize all of the flaws in their partner. You might hear women going through this by saying
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things like:
"He's the most hilarious person I've ever met."
"He's moody because of what someone else did to him, or because his work is stressful right now."
It's often called the "pink lens" effect in the psychology world. And lots of leading researchers in psychology studying emotion and love have seen how it's common for people, especially women, to think that their situation is more unique and complex than anyone else's.
The concept of the "pink lens" effect is fascinating to me.
I think about it in this way:
It's EASY to fall for a guy just because you have a connection with him. All it takes is the right timing and being open to the possibility. The "pink lenses" will do the rest.
But it's HARD to fall for a guy because you have a connection with him AND you've learned that he'll be honest, have integrity, communicate well, and share a desire for a committed relationship.
So what does this mean? Well, it means that you've got to avoid the temptation of giving into the connection so easily.
Instead, you must hold out for a whole lot more from a man if you want to give yourself the best chance of things working out in the long run. In other words, you must learn to do the following:
1. Identify if he's truly a quality future mate.
2. Decipher whether your interactions, conversations, behaviors, and mutual can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship.
The Trouble with Catching a "Catch"
Unless a guy already knows he's ready to settle down and has his mind set on it, he won't know how to be committed and involved in a great relationship. In other words, even the
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men who want relationships aren't often capable of maintaining them.
I really believe that most men want to find one woman to have a great relationship with. And even the hundreds of
"players" I've met eventually arrive at a desire to be in a fulfilling committed relationship with a woman.
But when it comes to finding their way into relationships and making it last, most men are like a blind-folded kids trying to hit a piñata. They swing blindly and wildly, hoping to make contact but going about it with no real sense or strategy.
I'm not saying that all the men out there are incapable, but most of us are "handicapped." When it comes to figuring out what we want with women and when we want it, we're hopeless.
Some guys, even if they don't say it, are just not able to settle down with a woman NO MATTER how amazing she is or how well they get along.
On the other hand, women seem to have a natural and innate compass that helps them to find comfort and confidence inside a relationship. With these differences, men and women have a kind of natural opposition.
So if a man is with a woman, and SHE doesn't know how to make things move smoothly and comfortably from one level to the next such as knowing the right time to move forward, what mistakes to avoid, etc. then trying to move forward can feel like walking through quicksand... the faster you move you move the quicker you'll sink.
If you're interested in a man and he can't or won't communicate that he's looking for something serious, then you as the woman have to take the lead. It's not an option. That's right, you have to be the leader or you will by definition follow the man to whatever path he chooses - which is often the path of least resistance and not a great way to put a strong future together.
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So here's where you need to use what you know about the frustrating and difficult male love psychology. If you act like you're trying to jump straight into a relationship with a man early on, more often than not he'll think that you're putting the cart before the horse and start to pull away.
Here's some general advice about how and what to communicate in your behavior toward men by taking into account their common "dating psychology": Unless a guy you're dating is the one pushing for something more serious, he's just enjoying the dating process and hasn't made any serious considerations about the future yet.
And if you're ever in doubt and wondering whether a man feels this way or not, it's ALWAYS an advantage to assume that he's still figuring things out. The advantage will be that the lack of pressure and psychological "space" you'll create, even if it's unintentional, will actually make him want to get closer to you.
Sounds strange huh? It's your relaxed and casual attitude and the "space" that's created when you psychologically "lean back" that will naturally pull a man to you and motivate him to grow more attached and attracted to you.
Don't ask me why men are this way. They just are.
An important clarification: I'm not saying that it's acceptable for a man to give excuses, to be distant, to not call, to flake on you, etc... That stuff is a sure sign of immaturity if it's going on after the first several weeks or months.
Players and Other Negative Traps Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn't as interested in being with you as you were led to believe?
Some men view picking up women as a sort of game.
(Sad, but true.) They talk and brag about women with each other and describe the way they meet and attract women.
Others have pick-up lines, routines, gags, tricks, and attitudes they use in order to assume a persona they believe will be
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more attractive to women. Maybe you've overheard some men talking this way. And maybe you've even heard men you know or men you've dated talk this way.
If you're friends with any "Players," or if you've ever had the unfortunate experience of trying to date a hopeless Player, then you know what I'm talking about.
There are three different types of Players...
1. The "Ego Driven" Players.
These are the guys who want or need attention from multiple women. The attention feeds their egos and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren't necessarily bad guys, but they're shameless flirts who usually don't know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from more and more women. They often connect deeply with women right off the bat and because women feed on this connection, women will tend to share more of their private thoughts, feelings, etc.
2. The "Social Players".
These are the guys who make a career out of learning how to pick up women. It becomes their favorite evening past-time. You'll find them out partying all the time, always going somewhere, and always having a woman to call and never spending a weekend evening at home. They tend to congregate with other Players who are out to meet new women.
3. The "Physical" Players.
Finally, there are the "Physical" Players. These guys are seeking something purely physical from a woman and don't have much else on their mind. They're often the more sensual and artistic types who charm women with their body language and their ability to make a woman comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
Anyways, a few years ago I noticed something
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FASCINATING about the guys that women think of as
"Players." Ever since I've been old enough to go out to the places where men and women meet (bars, clubs, restaurants, museums, parties, etc.), I've seen men who are good looking, attractive, entertaining, powerful, etc. attract women regardless of their intentions.
These guys represent a certain dilemma for women because of the ATTRACTION women feel for them and what I call the guys' actual "RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL."
What I'm getting at is that the qualities that attract women to "Players" are often the same qualities that make them bad "boyfriend material." It's often these men who aren't caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with.
Have you ever felt a strong connection with a dominant, powerful, and unavailable man?
What often makes these men intriguing, interesting, and attractive has NOTHING to do with whether they'd make a good mate or partner. In fact, these men are often the exact wrong types to be looking for a more meaningful relationship with.
But what's worse is that the men who are actually the ones ready and waiting for a relationship with a woman in their lives aren't often as skilled or experienced at creating a connection with a woman, so women often don't go for them.
Here's the inside dirt on players. Men who are into picking up women do so because the challenge validates their intense need to feel important, powerful, and attractive. They are NOT
looking to settle down, don't care about the woman they're with, and don't want a relationship with any woman no matter how cool or beautiful she might be. The excitement of the search for women, the challenge of picking up new women, and the instant gratification these men get is all they're after.
Don't ever think that a player's mentality has anything to do with who you are or with how you look. You won't EVER be
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able to change or tame these types of guys because it's all about them. For players, they only want women in their lives to fulfill their physical desires and to validate their ego. They can't even consider the fulfillment they could get from a relationship because it isn't part of their personal values.
But some women try to become "The Fixer" and tell themselves that a man's a player because he just hasn't found that special girl yet. While it may be true in some cases, these women mistakenly believe they can be the miracle worker to make him see the beauty of a relationship and how much better it is. "Fixers" don't see a man for what he is. Fixers only consider the situation with their own personal set of values to make judgments about what is the "right" thing to do in a given situation.
In addition, women make some common mistakes when dealing with "Players." These types of men often use sarcasm, humor, and other techniques to put a woman on the defensive.
They want to turn the tables and make themselves the object of desire to pursue so that the woman will qualify herself to him. Remember that techniques are a simply way of distracting you from evaluating the man on a rational basis.
Players can be irresistibly attractive because of the confidence and status they convey. Remember that players only focus on the surface and things that are only skin deep.
The surface of things is their greatest concern. Stay away if you're looking for anything serious or meaningful. Just mind yourself about the dangers of a connection that I talked about...
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Chapter 2. How I Learned About a Woman's Experience
My Story
I've been fortunate to have been surrounded by open and communicative women in family, friends, and work relationships. From an early age I got to hear a whole range of female perspectives across generations and experiences, which included my parents who later divorced, an older sister, women friends, and many family friends who were single women.
From the age of 11 until well into my college years, I attended family dinners with many invited guests. The people at these dinners usually included my mom, my sister, and two or three of my mom's or my sister's friends (all women).
I listened intently and developed my own insights from what I heard. I began to understand intuitively what these women experienced and what they felt as I listened to their perspectives on men, emotions, relationships, and love. I started to understand what "made sense" to them and how they saw the world.
It was a great learning experience for me, and one that made me more comfortable and empathetic with women. I was privy to all kinds of "inside" stuff that young men don't usually get to hear until later in their lives.
I heard women's perspectives on dating, attraction, turn-offs, failed relationships, flirting, sex, infidelities, divorce...
everything.
As a young man, every woman wanted to tell me her story so that I wouldn't "be like the other guys." They wanted to help me to grow up to be a great guy.
Since then I've realized that just as men need to become better at understanding women and what they want, women
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also have to learn how men think and communicate to be successful in a relationship.
I've had all kinds of dating experiences and relationships.
I've had love and lost it. I've been a player and been played.
I've hurt women and have been hurt.
Of course, I've gone through that typical "bachelor syndrome" where I've been in relationships, but secretly felt that I wasn't ready to settle down or to commit. But I denied these feelings for a while because of the woman I was dating and what she meant to me. I've seen and experienced my own issues over and over before learning that I had to deal with them.
Ultimately, I've personally experienced a lot of the mistakes most women make with men because I was the guy making things difficult on the other end. And I consider myself lucky to have learned from all of it and hopefully not hurt any women too badly in the process.
I've also learned that I can help women get what they want with dating, love, and relationships by sharing what I've learned from knowing hundreds of women, hearing thousands of stories, and having done a lot of my own personal research.
Initial Thoughts
Some people like to say that when you meet the person you'll know and that everything will fall into place. But that's the exception, not the rule. If you're like most women in the world, you know that relationships, love, and commitment take a lot more than just luck and timing - although that's part of it.
The good things in life, such as meeting people you value and would trust, don't always settle in the way that you want them to happen. Meeting people can be spontaneous and easy, but to maintain a meaningful and fulfilling connection in your life requires some real work on both sides---like it or not.
Men, dating, relationships, and love are the same way.
You've got to do some "work" of your own to be prepared to be in the right state of mind. The good news is working on
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yourself is the most rewarding and gratifying thing you can ever do.
At this point you might be thinking, "Why should I do all this work when it's men who have the big issues and commitment fears that keep me from having the relationship I want?"
Well, I think there are two types of people: the ones who blame everything on other people, and the ones who take responsibility for what happens in their life.
Guess which group tends to be much happier and more able to turn their dreams into reality?
Exactly, it's the people who take responsibility for what happens around them.
If you want to create great situations in your life, you need to think positively about your present situation, learn as much as you can, and set out to do something in small realistic steps. You have to do this part without expectations of immediate success to give yourself enough room and time to learn. In the process, you'll encounter some failures which will only help you to grow.
The most successful people I know are the ones who have thought hard about what they want and have come to terms with how to pursue their dreams. They plan how to get there and follow through with consistent long-term effort without blaming other people for not getting what they want. And they DON'T expect easy or instant success with any pieces of the puzzle.
It's no surprise that the women I know who are happiest in their relationships are the ones who have adopted this long-term realistic attitude in their love lives.
I love the idea of helping women become more successful with men, but I HATE the idea of leading them to believe that mistreating men, being too sarcastic and mean to them, lying, misleading, manipulating, etc. is the right approach. Deep down, most women are good people who want to be good to
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others and to the men they're around.
I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work and to attract men without playing games or manipulating.
And the good news is that THERE IS a way. But it requires that you put aside your current ideas just long enough to entertain some new ones.
First, let me say that I believe I've found a way to take the things that selfish women do to attract men and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds... you can be nice to men on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want and what REALLY attracts them.
So why do men become attracted to selfish women or
"bitches"?
The short answer is that they don't CHOOSE. It's something that just HAPPENS.
ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. It's an emotional response to certain things. Men don't CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for more "selfish" women any more than YOU
choose to feel the emotion for unavailable men.
If you think that the way to make a man feel attracted to you is to dote on him, become more and more emotionally involved with your feelings for him, and just be a sweet, caring and generous woman---then you're not getting what makes men tick. You don't get what's going on inside his mind and what triggers attraction and thoughts of more long-term stuff for him.
Nature has pre-programmed men with attraction mechanisms that work differently than woman. Women's attraction mechanisms are more complex, whereas men can usually just see a good looking woman and feel intense attraction for her.
And yeah, women do feel attraction for extremely good looking guys as well, but women feel a much stronger
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attraction for certain personality traits and behaviors than they do for physical looks alone. As men get to know women, the same becomes true for women---the attraction, based on the personality traits and behaviors, start to take a stronger hold.
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good person and attract men. You're probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way and become a little more comfortable with challenging men. But in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want and still allow you to treat men well on your own terms.
It also means that instead of being the woman who men vent to about their relationship problems and how their bimbo girlfriend is being high maintenance again, you can be the woman who they're dating and spending quality time.
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Chapter 3. Men and Relationships Be Honest About What You Want
Understanding your desires and motivations is a VERY
important step towards your personal happiness in your love life. It's also an important step in attracting a man and finding the right guy for a relationship. You've got to know what you're after before you try to get it.
Ask yourself the following questions and be TOTALLY
honest...
• What do you want with your love life in the future?
Create a mental picture of exactly how this would be.
• If you already have a man in your life, what do you expect from him right now? Again, imagine the perfect situation of you two together.
• What do you want in the future with your love life?
• Now ask yourself, how quickly would things progress to get to that ideal situation?
Now that you've thought about it, I'm going to share a unique habit of happy people...
Happy people are patient. They wait for the right time to go after what they want, and they avoid unrealistic expectations of what they can't control.
And yes... this habit applies to men and dating.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to sell yourself short on your dreams of love, a family, or any of that. I want you to have exactly what you want.
But here's the thing... if you aren't realistic about what you're after in your relationship and how soon these things should happen, then you're guaranteed to experience failure
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and disappointment. Each situation is different, so you've got to get in touch with where a man's at and his comfort level.
This can tell you what size steps you might want to take.
Is he comfortable with baby steps or with big leaps?
Use your intuition and watch his behavior to make the call. There's no "one size fits all" for people and our complex personalities. Take the perfect situation you saw in your mind and keep it as a guideline to help you get what you want.
Keeping these positive images in your head can give you all kinds of benefits such as reduced stress, but there's a danger to avoid. Be careful with the "Fairy Tale Syndrome."
This syndrome occurs when your expectations to live happily ever after in a perfect relationship with the perfect man fall short, causing you to blame yourself and the guy.
By the way, check out the book The Type E Woman: How To Overcome The Stress Of Being Everything To Everybody by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph. D. for an interesting investigation about the perfectionist issues that women experience.
If you don't remember to keep realistic expectations, then everything that's less than perfect will frustrate you. You'll be trying to make a relationship into something it can't ever be.
Think about it like "Bridezilla." Bridezilla is the obsessive bride who freaks out and goes crazy over every little thing just before and during her wedding, no matter how small or inconsequential.
Bridezilla is such an unhappy and insatiably unsatisfied monster because she has out-of-this-world expectations for her wedding. It's all based on her fantasies and ideals that have no grounding in the real world. She never got in touch with the reality of planning a wedding or imagined any of the snags, issues, and politics that can happen when planning a wedding.
So when the wedding rolls around, she sees each little deviation from her fantasy, no matter how small, as a disaster.
The only thing her mind is saying when any little snag comes
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along is, "The whole wedding is ruined!"
I've seen single women in relationship behave like a similar monster - "GirlfriendZilla." Shed the green scaly skin of the "Zilla" world and save yourself. You've got to realize that your perfect situation with a man doesn't really exist and it's the idea of perfection that's turning you into a monster.
Since what you want involves another person, you need to be in touch with the other person's idea of perfection and accept that nothing that will ever satisfy exactly what you both want in your minds.
Don't be afraid to tell a man what the perfect situation looks like for you. If you're honest and upfront without being demanding, a man will love and appreciate you for it. I'll get into the specific way to do this in the later sections of the book about communicating in relationships.
Selectivity Means Success
In relationships, it's usually a good idea to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them until they give you a reason not to do so. You've been taught to do be this way from the day you first began talking and socializing.
But being too easygoing has a price -- it makes you uncomfortable talking to people about what you expect from them. And without these discussions, you're likely to be out of touch with the reality of the people and situations around you.
Learning to understand and set expectations effectively with the people around you can be a priceless tool. I can't say enough good things about what it can do for you in all areas of your life. You'll be amazed at how much clarity and simplicity comes from it. The people around you will also notice a change in the way you communicate and the way you look at things.
Their respect for you will instantly increase, and they'll place a higher value on what you have to say.
Something takes place when you begin getting in touch with your own expectations. At first, when you're getting in touch with your expectations, you'll discover all sorts of bad
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things that are around you, which might scare the heck out of you.
Don't worry, it's normal. Some people can feel threatened when this first happens, but be patient.
Something magical begins to happen... You start to relax more because you now have a clear and realistic picture of what's going on around you. It's kind of like the feeling you get if you've ever had to hide, and the huge sense of relief you get when revealing it because you no longer have to do so. That's what knowing about expectations is like. You feel relieved as you become confident of avoiding a lot of bad things in life that would have happened to you without your new skills.
Of course, setting expectations is also a great tool to improve your love life. For most women who are with "Mr.
Wrong", it takes failure, heartbreak, emotional distress, and pain until they realize that what they want doesn't fit with the man who's in their life. These women could have avoided getting involved and realized that this guy was "Mr. Wrong" if they would have been able to understand and discuss their expectations.
The dark truth is that some women don't want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of these women's own issues and fears of rejection or abandonment. So a whole self-defeating process takes place: 1. Women will believe that he's a great guy because of the close connection they share without being very objective about the situation.
2. Women will immediately build all kinds of expectations because of their hopes for him.
3. They end up immediately expecting to have a committed relationship as things escalate, even if there's been no direct communication about it.
The simple fact is that men, unlike most women, are not naturally equipped and ready for relationships until they also learn how to set expectations.
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So... You HAVE to be selective!
For women, being selective is nature's BEST way of finding the right relationship with the right man at the right time.
So you have to get tough. Be willing to say "No" to men who don't measure up and be willing to do this EARLY and QUICKLY when dating.
Feel free to date all you want. The benefits are that you DON'T have to get too attached, you don't have to be physically intimate, and you don't have to keep going out with anyone who doesn't want what you want.
But some women think that being this way makes them
"bitchy." For whatever reason they have a hard time being totally honest about where they are and what they want.
It's completely normal to feel this way.
Since we've been born, everyone around us has been drilling into our minds through manners, etc. that it's just "not nice" to be completely honest.
Honesty is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop - and it's even more valuable when you're dating.
It's OK to be a woman. It's OK to want what you want and let him know it. It's OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn't match with what you want. In fact, doing these EXACT things will make you more attractive to men. The amazing thing is that men crave honest women who are upfront about who they are and what they want in relationships But you've just got to know the right way to communicate these things without going over the top.
There are all kinds of great information and ideas out there about powerful communication and the freedom that comes from more "emotional" honesty. Check out the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton, Ph. D. This is a great book
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about the power of honesty and how to use it in your daily life.
Another book that is more directly applicable to women and dating is called Men Like Women Who Like Themselves by Carter and Sokol.
If you're honest and upfront about what you want and expect from a man, it says in a way that you're not too attached to any outcome with him, which can have an EXTREMELY POWERFUL EFFECT. The man will unconsciously recognize that YOU are the one doing the choosing and selecting.
When a man senses this, be ready for his attraction toward you to be instantly dialed up several levels. But remember, you can't fake it. You have to be in a place where you truly believe in your happiness and your ability to achieve your own desires.
Remember: Long-term relationships are much better than the immediate gratification of short-term relationships. Be patient and be selective.
If you learn how to create powerful feelings of attraction and more long-term interests at a deep unconscious level, you won't have to do so much worrying, arguing, or even pressuring. You'll start to understand what's going on beneath the surface and how you can interact with a man without making all the mistakes most women make... like being a
"Convincer".
It's also extremely powerful if you let men know that you're paying close attention to how they act and what kind of man they are by playfully posing certain types of questions to them. The kind of questions you ask should let them know that you are judging their quality and character, and that you'll only be with a man who has certain traits.
But you've got to ask these questions in a confident and fun way and not to ask out of fear or frustration. If you do, the man will respond to you in an entirely different and negative way that will often cause him to withdraw or become irritated.
But doing it in the right way will consciously and unconsciously
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force a man to see that you're not waiting for him to choose you and that you expect certain standards of behavior.
When men recognizes that a woman is actively doing the
"selecting" and evaluating his qualities, something powerful is communicated at an unconscious level. You demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions and desires -- which is extremely attractive to a man. You show that you have ownership of your life and relationships and that you don't just fall into anything interesting that comes along.
You also send a signal that you won't tolerate behaviors and situations you don't want in your life. It helps you avoid all kinds of painful behavior and situations with men that other women get stuck with and can't "fix."
The most important thing about letting a man know that you're doing the choosing is that it triggers a response from a man that I call the "Honest Woman Response", which I'll talk about in more detail later.
What happens is that a man will often go from seeing the woman as a semi-casual partner to seeing her as someone who he KNOWS he would want to make a future with - and that if he messes things up he's an IDIOT. It's like a new respect is immediately formed and the man instantly places more value on the woman and the relationship that's taking shape.
And if a woman wants to go from a casual relationship to a committed relationship with a man, the Honest Woman Response is a pivotal point that should take place early if things are to evolve into a deeper long-term relationship.
The "Honest Woman Response" takes place when a man recognizes 3 things about a woman: 1. That the woman expects him to have certain aspects (i.e. emotional state, social life) of his life together in order for him to be with her.
2. That a woman has desirable behavior and characteristics that signal to him she's someone with
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whom he'd enter a relationship.
3. That the women won't allow a purely physical relationship to take place, and that she will only continue to be with him if he meets certain standards.
A lot of this is about setting the right expectations. Men don't have "rewind" buttons for expectations and impressions.
The expectations and impressions you set with a man early on help direct his behavior and what he sees as acceptable and unacceptable with you. So it's up to YOU to set the standard for a man's behavior from the beginning.
The good news is that setting expectations leaves a long lasting psychological impression in a man's mind. If done in the right way, it will draw you both closer and more intimate because trust has been created between the two of you.
Why Men Want To Date Forever
The reason I know all about the "stay single" attitude is because I've lived it. It's an attitude shared by many men.
Even if you have a great "connection" with a man, you've got to spend a lot of time together before the man will even think about something more long-term. But it's important that they know that a commitment is important to you.
Lots of men talk about women as if the woman is trying to take something away from them. Maybe you've seen or encountered this attitude in men. Like when a guy will talk about a woman he's dating and say "Yeah, she's great but I'm just not ready for a relationship."
These men often feel this way because they have a negative stereotype in their mind about needy and unexciting women who cling to relationships. It's the "Ball and Chain"
woman that makes a man feel trapped and feel his life will be devoid of fun and excitement. And when men observe these types of behavior or attitudes in a woman, men instantly identify everything that woman does as representing the ball and chain.
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Men love to date, and they have fun doing it. And I've got to tell you as a man that being single and dating was ALL I wanted to do for a long, long time. No matter how wonderful the woman I dated was, no matter how the date or dates went and no matter how amazing the connection and potential was for something deeper, I was absolutely not interested in settling down or staying with just one woman.
It didn't matter if the woman was gorgeous and had wonderful inner qualities. My own identity was that of a single man having fun and dating. Nothing could have changed that identity, and I didn't know any other way to live my life.
A lot of single men are the same way. And attractive men who are "catches", the kind who have good looks, intelligence, careers, etc. have even more fun dating because they can date whoever they want whenever they want. They have attractive and interesting women available to them all the time. This changes their perspective, and they end up not dating with any specific goal in mind. They're not worried if the woman has the potential to be a girlfriend. And if a date is awful, they don't blame themselves or think it's their fault. They quickly move on.
What happens with the guys who are "catches" and date a lot of women is fascinating. Because of their dating experiences, they develop an amazing ability to identify a good woman from a "bad" one (one he wouldn't want to spend his time with) within just a few words, voice tones, or movements when interacting with the woman.
These men are around and approached by women a lot, so they need to find a way to screen quickly the "good ones"
from the "bad ones". So they develop a kind of "radar" for the
"bad" women who don't have their lives together, or have emotional, confidence, or low self-esteem issues, etc. that might cause trouble or emotional issues in the future.
You might think that a man acting this way and quickly excluding a woman if he sees things in her personality that suggests that she isn't very caring, patient, sympathetic, or nurturing is superficial. But it happens so quickly and unconsciously that most men couldn't even explain to you how
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or why they are doing it.
Lots of women do the same thing with men too...
And what's just as interesting is that guys who date a lot can sometimes develop an ability to attract women more easily than other man because they've learned to instantly "tune in"
to where the woman is physically and emotionally. These guys spend their time learning how women act and react in all kinds of situations, and they learn what works and what doesn't, giving them a deeper understanding of the signals and triggers that women have.
Sometimes you see these skills go to a guy's head, and they use dating as an ego booster. Be careful here...
The ego driven daters have two main groups: 1. The Indulgers -- These guys are going through a sort of "self-infatuation" and indulgence in their ability to meet women. It often happens with the kind of guys who never got women's attention when they were younger, or guys who have low self-esteem but who are now rich and powerful. They now feel empowered and are enjoying a dating frenzy. Men like these can harbor a deep resentment of women and try to date a lot of women as "pay-back" for all the years they suffered from female rejection.
2. The Romantics - These guys constantly need the validation and approval of women. They have intense sexual fantasies and appetites. And they are looking to fill the emptiness in their own lives with female interaction and attention.
Not all men date because they're this way though. Part of the reason "regular guys" can and will date casually without settling down is their ability to remain relatively emotionally uninvolved even when they are experiencing an intense attraction. Men have an internal drive that can cause them to value physical appearance over emotional connections.
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But something else is going on inside every man's head.
Men have the belief that there are lots of very attractive women out there, and they could be dating any one of them under the right conditions. For men, dating is an ongoing part of their life that brings fun and entertainment.
I've learned something interesting. There's a paradox I see that comes from all the dating that men do. A man likes to date a lot of women before he decides to settle down... and so in the process he learns what he wants and what he doesn't want from dating lots of different women.
It's the oldest dating/relationship paradox: You can't know what you truly want from a person in a relationship unless you date several different people, but you can't date several different people and expect to have a deep relationship.
Women, on the other hand, take themselves out of the learning process in the dating/relationship paradox too quickly.
Do you know any women who are serial monogamists and who are never single? Or if they are single, they never like to date?
These women are missing out on the entire learning process of dating and they're setting themselves up to be unable to identify a good match from a bad one. Dating serves an important purpose in developing skills that are crucial to having a good relationship, such as learning how to identify a good man, knowing how to identify the wrong men, understanding what you're after, developing personal communication skills, reading body language, etc... The list goes on.
How To Think About A Relationship With A Man If I asked you to describe the steps that take place from when a man first becomes attracted to a woman to when he commits to a relationship with her--- would you be able to tell me?
If you're like 95% of the women I've met, then no, you
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couldn't. That's why I'm constantly amazed when I talk with women about the problems they have in getting the man in their lives to commit; they haven't thought through what it takes for the man to become committed.
So I'll share with you something that's CRITICAL for you to know about men, commitment, and relationships...
A man NEVER makes a commitment to a woman as a result of a conversation or because she says she wants to be in a committed relationship with him - at least not one that lasts and is healthy and fulfilling for both the man and the woman.
Think about it for a minute...
It's important to point something out here that surrounds a common myth women hold. Women believe that they have to have "the talk" with a man because this "talk" is the means that creates a commitment.
Wrong.
The truth is that while talking about commitment is an important step in building and strengthening things with a man, the "true" commitment doesn't have anything to do with any conversation of words a man and a woman ever really have.
In other words, for a man, a commitment is a culmination of several things that happen at a much deeper level. No conversation can ever replace or be as strong as the internal decision that a guy makes about you.
It's helpful to think of creating a relationship with a man like inflating a balloon. You can't see what the balloon will look like when it's full or exactly how it will expand in the beginning.
So if you want the balloon to be big and beautiful, you've got to start with the right one. You can't pick up a little party balloon, start inflating it, and then get upset when it isn't the hot-air balloon you can fly away on.
If you want to make sure the balloon doesn't burst, then you've got to get an idea of how much air you can put into it
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initially and how quickly. If you go too fast and add too much air, the entire balloon will explode. Balloons need to stretch and adjust as they take on new larger shapes.
If you have the wrong balloon, it won't ever become what you want it to become no matter how hard you try to fill it.
Unfortunately, most women don't approach situations with men this way. Instead, on a deep level, they hold on to a pre-packaged idea of what a relationship with a man should be like, ignoring the shape of their "balloon" and later wondering why things don't work out the way in the way they expected.
I call this the "He-Owes-Me-My-Perfect-Relationship"
relationship approach. It's when the woman is trying for an idealistic relationship that really has NOTHING to do with the man they're dating.
The tell-tale signs of the "He-Owes-Me-My-Ideal-Relationship" relationship approach are:
• Assuming That What You Want Is What He Wants. When the woman feels such an amazing connection with a man, she assumes he'll want all the same things she wants. Then the woman's assumptions become so strong and real that they become beliefs, so anything different from how they see things also becomes unacceptable.
• Hiding Unspoken Expectations. Women often come into a relationship with a strong idea of what they want and where things should go. But lots of women don't share these expectations with the man because they either don't know how or are afraid they'll scare the man off.
It's OK to have ideals, but if a woman never communicates in a sensible way what she wants with a man because she is afraid of "scaring him off" and wants to avoid all of a man's negative triggers and defenses, then the man and woman will be working from different expectation levels, which creates all kinds of conflict.
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• Thinking "Commitment" Too Soon. Women can see relationships in ways that don't account for what men really want. Often a woman ends up in a situation where she has committed herself only to find out that the man isn't as emotionally invested, which makes everything into an uphill battle. If you commit yourself before he has committed, you'll create pressure, anxiety, and tension in the relationship that doesn't have to exist.
• Banking On His Potential. Some women secretly hold onto the idea that a man will choose to settle down in the near future, even when the man says he's not ready or it's not what he wants. The women think that since they have such a strong connection the man will eventually find his inevitable desire for a relationship. The woman keeps things going and continues the relationship because of the man's potential to be the boyfriend or husband she wants.
There's a common thread with all the signs of the "He-Owes-Me-My-Ideal-Relationship" relationship approach: the beliefs and actions of the women are about HER perspective on the strength and sustainability of the connection and feelings they each have, which doesn't honestly weigh the man's perspective and position.
The truth is that the woman's desires and expectations stay with her and eventually come to the surface. When these feelings come out, they create intense interactions and
"drama" because of the passive-aggressive feelings both the man and woman develop.
And guess what happens with a man here? He has NO
IDEA what in the world is going on with the woman. All he can see is that out of nowhere the woman has become extremely emotional, disappointed, and upset for not meeting her expectations.
It's hardly a way to draw someone closer to you.
Some people don't agree with this way of thinking, but
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I'm telling you this because I've seen so many women become unhappy and frustrated this way. Becoming MORE honest with your desires and LESS concerned with the immediate outcome will help you see more of the reality of your situation. And in turn this will change your short-term expectations and your outlook, which will help you have a better time and better odds of having a happy love life.
The "Convincer"
A pattern that can quickly destroy relationships with men is when women deal with a man's resistance or uncertainty by trying to "convince" him to change or to do something.
It could be about something as small as where to eat or as big as making a commitment, but trying to change his ways can spell the beginning of the end.
Women who take on the "Convincer" role try to control and carry the relationship by telling the man how things should be based. These women don't take into account what the man is feeling and experiencing.
Convincers don't see that all the changes they're struggling for come at their own expense. They might whine, beg, plead, exaggerate, cry, get angry, or pout as they try to fix things according to their expectations. But a woman can't convince a man to change any more than a man can convince a woman to stop feeling what she feels. There's no way to force a good relationship. Convincing only leads to a closed-off and distant man who will become more and more distant until the relationship is over.
When you act like a Convincer, a whole other nasty set of issues comes into play. First, you'll end up working harder on the relationship only to run into more and more resistance.
You've got to change your approach. Convincing behavior damages or destroys more developing relationships between men and women than anything else. But trying to convince people is such a normal response to resistance and done in such a subtle way that women don't often realize that they're doing it.
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Let me give you an example...
If you're close to a man and you've spent some time with him, then you'll have a reasonable idea of how receptive he is with you. Directly or indirectly, what he says and does (or doesn't do) communicates what he wants and what he doesn't want.
And YES... when it comes to a man, if he's actively NOT
talking about moving things forward and showing an interest in the future, if he doesn't ask about your deeper thoughts and desires, and he doesn't ask or take an interest about your family and friends, then it counts as indirect communication that he's not that interested in a future with you.
So what happens if what a man wants is different from what you want?
You'll never change the way a man feels and what he wants by trying to convince him through a conversation to see it your way. Ever.
In fact, if you're trying to have this type of conversation, it's a guarantee that he'll resist what you want because of the way convincing plays out. One of the most common and predictable human psychological responses is responding to convincing behaviors with RESISTANCE.
Here's an example: Have you ever talked with someone who wants to sell, buy, or get something from you?
He or she usually start out by being nice or complimentary to you. You might sense that something is a little off, but the conversation feels fine until all of a sudden you get that weird vibe when you realize what's going on.
And then it hits you... "This person is just trying to convince me to do something for them..."
Right at that moment your whole perspective on the conversation and the other person changes. The way you see
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their compliments, voice tone, and mannerisms instantly changes. All you can hear is how they're trying to talk you into doing something, and it makes your body tense up.
This is your body's natural way of resisting when it feels pressure from another person.
And by the way, women react to convincing with resistance too, just like men. Back in college, I tried to make a woman interested in me who obviously wasn't into me. I bought her flowers and cute little gifts all the time because I hoped it would make her want me. I was absolutely sure that if I could just get her to listen to my feelings and my perspectives that she'd naturally fall for me too.
One day I built up my courage and had "the big talk" with her -- I shared all my deepest feelings.
Guess what happened?
Ouch! REJECTION!
Even though I made an eloquent confession about my feelings, all I got was resistance and rejection. And she felt pretty uncomfortable too. Looking back, I was pretty dumb and I didn't get what was going on at all. Of course I got rejected.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever done such a great job of killing any attraction a woman might have felt for me.
Convincing and other pleading types of behaviors have deep, negative effects. With men, this kind of behavior not only has a negative influence on how they see things at the moment, but it also affects how they see you and the entire relationship. If you're doing a lot of convincing, a man can start seeing you as a pain and resent you.
Convincing is a dead-end strategy that most of us try while we're growing up. If we're lucky, we figure out that it doesn't work anymore abandon this behavior with most of the people in our lives. But we dig it back up in our love lives when the intensity of our feelings is so great that it pushes us back
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to our "base level" behavior... kind of like how people panic in a crisis and revert to their lowest levels of behavior.
When you act like a convincer with a man, you lower your status. The "psychology" you have by being a convincer changes the way you communicate and behave, whether you know it or not. Convincing behaviors give several levels of control away by showing your emotional dependency on a man's decisions and actions.
And even if you're not trying very hard to convince a man, he'll sense at an unconscious level your fear and desperation.
It's what's driving you.
The Relationship Balance
There's a concept that I've come across in watching dating situations and relationships that is so widespread that it plays out almost EVERYWHERE. Here's what I see...
In virtually every relationship, there's a cycle and a balance where one person is more dedicated or "into it" than the other. And while this dynamic can ebb and flow and the roles can transfer back and forth, each relationship has a generally predictable pattern.
At the core of this idea is that love and desire have a very pronounced "balance" that can be thrown off by common behaviors in either men or women. These common behaviors can be simplified or distilled into two distinct areas or roles.
We've talked about the Convincer, so let me quickly describe the "resistor." The Resistor is the role created because of the other person's convincing behaviors.
In other words, the resistor takes on RESISTANT and WITHDRAWING behavior because of the convincer. Resistance is a response to the pressure and the force inherent in the Convincer's behavior.
But it's not just the convincer that can unsettle the
"Relationship Balance." If a man OR a woman begins to take on resistant behavior, it often draws the other into a Convincer
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role to compensate for the distance and withdrawal.
So here's an important point.... It takes one person to assume the Convincer and another to take on the Resistor role for the Relationship Balance to shift. So to build a clear and more defined model of the Relationship Balance, I call the person who first assumes one of these roles the "Initiator", and the other who reacts as the "Compensator."
Put these together and it gives you 4 different possible combinations in the Relationship Balance.
1. Initiating Resistor
2. Compensating Resistor
3. Initiating Convincer
4. Compensating Convincer
OK... Now I want you to do something fun as a learning experience. The insights women often gain from this experience are really big "Aha!" moments for them, so take 5-10 minutes here to focus on this stuff.
Here we go...
Take a few minutes to think about each of the 4 roles above and what they are all generally about.
Once you've got the general idea, take a deep breath, slow down your thoughts, and visualize yourself talking to a man you're in a relationship with about the future of your relationship. It could also be the man that you're dating or someone you're interested in and attracted to.
Now put yourself in one of the 4 roles above in your mind.
Now imagine the way this person (you in the role) communicates with the man, how she behaves and what her body language looks like. And now that you've got her in your mind think through a few questions...
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• Did she initiate this conversation about the relationship and the future?
• What kind of attitude does she have? How confident is she?
• Is she pessimistic or optimistic when she's talking to the man she's with?
OK, now that you've thought through one of these 4
roles, go back and think through the other 3 roles.
You should start to see the natural balance working in either direction between the man and the woman in the exercise and how each situation produces radically different feelings and sensations.
This is the powerful process of Cause and Effect in action.
So let me ask you... which role gave you the most comfortable and fulfilling experience? Which one was the most difficult or awkward?
Interesting, huh...
The most interesting and insightful role I see in the Relationship Balance is where the unbalancing process has the woman as the "Compensating Convincer." The following story shows how women usually step into this role.
A man and woman are dating. The woman is mature and more emotionally available than the man, so she arrives at wanting something more with the man. The man doesn't agree or want the same thing yet. She tries to convince him and becomes the Convincer.
The man becomes the Resistor and holds the psychological position of control because he's the one who has been given the decision-making power to say "yes" or "no" by the woman's convincing behavior. As a result, the woman becomes frustrated and upset and displays intense emotions that appear negative and cause pressure for the man.
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The man closes off and distances himself. He begins to feel pressure and guilt while continuing to resist even more.
The man's resistance frustrates the woman, and as a result, her desire to get her own way escalates into her working harder at convincing him. And the entire cycle continues to escalate emotionally.
Ok, end of story...
Has this ever happened to you with a man?
The more you try to get him to listen to what you want, the more he grows distant and stops communicating. So naturally you get frustrated and hurt, which only seems to fuel the fire for his avoidance and disinterest.
The thing is, NOTHING makes a man act distant faster than a woman pleading or pressuring him for a long-term decision through weak or hurt emotional displays. But the worst part of being a convincer is that it can ultimately over time begin to kill the interest and attraction a man feels for you.
It doesn't make sense, but that's how it works.
A fascinating book that touches on the relationship dynamics by Convincers is The Passion Paradox by Dean C.
Delis, Ph. D. He talks about what happens when one person is more "emotionally invested" than the other person. This book talks about the dynamics of wanting and getting---the more someone wants from their partner, the less the partner feels like giving.
It's always interesting to turn things around and imagine a man in the role of the Convincing Compensator. You've probably experienced it because it's pretty typical behavior---it comes out in behavior through things like inappropriate gift giving, calling too much, or generally trying too hard to be liked.
Have you ever had a guy try to convince you into dating or into a relationship you weren't interested in? Then when
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you didn't express too much interest he came on even stronger.
I'll bet you were NOT suddenly taken with him because of his courting behavior and pleadings, right? Actually, you were probably repelled by everything that he did instead of becoming more attracted to him.
Hmmm... Interesting.
Important Signals
Most men are idiots when it comes to dating and relationships, so don't expect him to "get it" the way you do when it comes to emotions and intimacy. Most men have NO
IDEA what women expect in the beginning of a relationship, but lots of women assume that men should know all the things that are obvious to them as women.
Men have OPPOSITE ideas about dating. And this is especially true with men who are attractive and successful -
men who have options!
For example:
• Men who have options think they're free to date other people if the issue hasn't been discussed. They will date more women because to them casual dating means more fun.
• Men who have options don't necessarily believe sleeping together means you're in a serious or committed relationship. They're interested in having a few different partners.
This might sound somewhat inappropriate, but men don't have these views just because they're "players" or because they're sex crazed. In some cases that's true, but with most men there's something else happening.
The need for casual dating and multiple sex partners is part of a man's biological programming. Men's biological instincts encourage them to look for a variety of partners.
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They're driven to find quantity. Men can also physically "afford"
to have several partners in a reproductive sense because they produce millions and millions of sperm.
On the other hand, women place more value in finding a man with the right qualities. They're driven to find quality and place no value on whether there are 1 or 100 men around. And it makes sense, because women can't "afford" to have as many partners from a reproductive standpoint.
But not all men operate on their basic instincts. Some men are open to developing a relationship with you from the start. The problem is that these men won't always talk or act differently than men who are just looking for something physical when you're first dating.
So how do you know the difference between a casual dater and a serious partner?
Well, if you're with one of those amazing guys who communicates well and is in touch with his feelings AND tells you he wants a committed relationship, then it's obvious.
But most men aren't this way.
With most men, you feel like you have to drag things out of them. Keeping a relationship going in these cases is tough work. Men usually communicate using indirect signals.
Let's say you're talking to a guy about a commitment. If he says something like:
"I don't know what I want."
This is "guy speak" for "I'm not seriously interested in a relationship right now."
If a guy DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS, he generally DOESN'T WANT WHAT HE'S GOT.
Lots of women ignore this principle. When men avoid, deny, react with anger, or play dumb, they're communicating indirectly that they aren't on the same page with you. If you
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ignore, resist, or try to overcompensate when you approach a relationship with a man, you'll NEVER see the important signals he's giving you and you'll never figure out how to make it work.
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Worst Enemy
Chapter 5. Your Experience & What You Feel
Acceptance and Emotional "Fitness"
If you want good things to happen with a man, then understanding what's going on inside you and "making peace with it" is a prerequisite for everything.
A large part of what causes a man to be interested in spending his future with a particular woman depends on the woman's emotional maturity, or what I call her level of
"emotional fitness."
For most women, creating and maintaining a sense of harmony is the single most important personal factor in setting the foundation for a future relationship and "keeping" a man.
Why?
First, becoming emotionally mature means that you take responsibility for what happens in your life and your relationships. It means that you LEARN from your mistakes.
Once you start to truly own your emotional life, you become in control of how you perceive things around you by not blaming other people (and men). You start to find your own sense of balance. You no longer become so vulnerable to the bad things that can happen around you because you have healthier emotional boundaries.
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Secondly, it's important to learn what exactly (and realistically) makes you happy with a man and to find out what it is that YOU are doing that's keeping you from creating the right situation with a man.
What? YOU keep YOURSELF from having better things in your life?
That's right... People are their own worst enemies. It happens when people relive their past negative emotional situations by thinking or behaving the same way in the present situation.
I used to resist and despise the idea that it was my own scruples, foibles, and other puffery that kept me from getting what I wanted in my life. But a funny thing happened...
I got tired of banging my head against the wall and decided to accept that I didn't know everything. So I gave in to the idea that I needed to learn and seek outside help.
Oh yeah... there's always someone who radically objects to "changing" yourself, or addressing issues that involve other people by looking at yourself. In an ideal world I'd be telling you all about how to get a man to change for you so that he could fit better into your world. You wouldn't have to do any
"work". You'd just get the answers to the test, and you wouldn't have to learn or study anything.
But it's not that simple. YOU are the one who's looking for improvement in your life with men, so you're the one who's going to have to learn, grow, and change. And if you're already starting to get it, you're figuring out that if you can get rid of your own resistance, you can evolve and learn how to move past the limiting and self-defeating behaviors of your own or that of the men around you.
Of course, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, so don't fight that losing battle with a man if you can avoid it. This book deals with how you can identify and choose the right man and how you can go beyond the self-destructive
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behaviors that often come up in dating and relationships.
That's why I won't try to tell you how to change a man; it would only lead to more failure and bring you a whole other set of manipulative issues and emotional frustrations.
Awareness & Internal Observation I think that understanding and observing your own emotional reactions as they take place without having to act them out is a paramount skill to develop. I call this "Internal Observation" and it can have an unbelievable calming and relaxing influence on your entire life. A big part of this skill is finding the "triggers" that create negative and positive reactions in you and learning to disarm the negative stimulus from the reactions using more positive and calming stimulii.
I think of learning these skills as the emotional equivalent of learning to read in the dating and relationship world. In other words, you don't want to go through your life emotionally illiterate. Learn to read what's going on with the people around you and identify for yourself what's important.
Daniel Goleman talks about the Emotional Quotient or
"EQ" (kind of like IQ but for emotions) in his book Emotional Intelligence. If you haven't read it, go get this book. It's got some amazing insights.
People often think that simply having lots of feelings means they are in touch with their emotions.
Wrong.
Being emotionally literate does NOT mean that you should experience and express your emotions at any time. Being smart with your emotions is about not acting on the impulses and reactions that you experience and not indulging in them with little forethought.
It's more like learning to have, as Aristotle once said, "the rare skill to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way."
As I see it, becoming emotionally literate has several
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steps:
1. Learning to "observe" your emotional reactions.
As you start to pay more attention to your emotions, your emotions become just another one of your
"internal dialogues" instead of a bunch of buttons that trigger an instant reaction.
2. Identifying how and why your internal dialogue comes up. You'll begin to have more control over your internal dialogue as you observe it more closely. You'll start to see the common positive and negative
"triggers" that set your emotional dialogue in action and how they come from your own dreams, fears, and issues.
3. Learning how to honor your internal dialogue and making the best use of it for yourself AND the people around you. What feels best for you isn't usually what is best for you and another person. When you can analyze what to do in various situations, you can start to choose how to deal with your internal dialogue.
The more experience you have doing this with your own mind, the more you'll start to change your approach and get positive results.
You'll start to understand that emotional context and positive motivation is stronger and longer lasting than almost any negative emotional communication and reaction.
Here's an extremely powerful insight about your emotions: A lot of what causes people to hurt each other and regret later how they acted is an inability to observe their own emotions and to realize that they can avoid acting on them.
In other words, an emotion does NOT have to have an associated action or reaction.
So if a man is behaving in a way that hurts you or drives you crazy, you can choose how you want to react to it. You can
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observe the emotions you are feeling and use them to guide you to make smarter decisions.
Be Comfortable As a Woman
After talking with hundreds of women, listening to the issues and experiences they have had, and reading the amazing emails I receive about women's frustrations and insecurities in their relationships, I've recognized something valuable. To end up where they want to be in their love lives and in their relationships, these women need to: 1. Accept that it's OK to have the feelings they have.
2. Accept that it's OK to want what they want from a relationship and to be honest about it no matter what.
3. Recognize that a relationship will not make them happy or "whole" as a person.
Accepting and realizing these is easier said than done, so I've included some exercises later of this book to help on that level.
But WHY is it important for a woman to accept these things?
Well, it's important because after years of working with men and women, I've seen a negative social attitude that's pervasive among many men. Men assume women depend on them for emotional, social, and physical validation. It's a chauvinistic bias that is often reinforced in men's lives by their single friends, peers, television, etc.
I call this negative female stereotype the "Helpless Woman Myth." You can see it when you hear men talk about women and relationships -- men have this negative tone and subtly imply that women are clingy and seek security through men. And with relationships, men talk to their guy friends as though a woman will be taking something away from him if he commits to her. It's as though the man will somehow lose his all control, freedom, and masculinity.
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What I've discovered is that these men are threatened by a woman's ability to attune to people's emotions and empathize on a very basic human level. Women have a natural skill, intuition, and intelligence that give them an amazing capacity for love and caring. Men more often lack these natural abilities and the tools to be more emotionally aware. Some men will even put down and ridicule the emotional world women see and experience because these men can't comprehend a woman's emotional state.
Since men don't hold the upper hand with intelligence in the emotional and intuitive world, emotional strength has been spun into what men perceive as a weakness. I'd go as far as to say that it's more of a mainstream male belief to think that women are emotionally "hysterical" and out of touch than to think that women are actually better at seeing a part of the world that most men can't properly observe.
Are you following me here?
I don't mean to get too far out, but I think that if women can better understand that men have a completely different emotional "tool set", women will be much better prepared in their interactions with men.
The Science of Emotions
You might not believe it, but a large percentage of people's actions and behaviors are "pre-programmed". How they react to people and situations is often determined long before the situation actually happens. Maybe you know some people in your life who you know will become emotional if you talk to them about certain things.
People have lots of predictable patterns and "buttons"
that are mostly outside the control of their conscious decision-making processes. So without even recognizing it, people are driven by inner conflicts and past experiences at a deeper, subconscious level.
I'm not saying that we're robots and that the situations that you come across aren't important to address and react to in certain ways. But the fact is that you have freedom to make
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your own choices that can influence how you're going to behave. You can choose how you perceive and react to the environment.
Unfortunately, we become predictable and don't act in our own best interest in lots of situations because we have gut-level emotional reactions. And the more you start to learn and recognize these pre-programmed behaviors, the more you can start to weed out the ones that aren't useful or helpful in your everyday life.
Think about it. Have you ever been angry with someone for doing something, and you ended up becoming so angry that it kind of scared you?
Why did you become so angry? Was it your conscious choice? How strong was the motivation of your anger? And was your reaction rational and useful in any way?
The point is that you probably didn't make much of a choice to assess your behavior at the time. You didn't sit down and reason out how reacting with anger or other negative behavior or emotions would lead to any constructive results. It just happened. You simply followed your gut instincts and worked to somehow undo or get even with whatever injustice or wrong you felt you've suffered.
As an interesting note, people's behavior are generally more predictable as situations become more intense or important to them because their attention is focused on interpreting every little detail and nuance. Their bodies and minds are ready for something big to happen, causing them to experience what's going on even more intensely. It's a snowball effect that heightens the emotional experience.
So what does this have to do with catching and keeping a man?
Maybe you've heard of the "fight or flight" response.
Well, to put it simply, your love life or your relationship with a man is the ultimate high intensity and high importance environment that cues your mind and body up for "fight or
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flight" responses. So let's talk about "being in love" first because it's such a great example of the patterns we have around our emotions and reaction.
We have fascinating psychological, chemical, and behavioral changes that take place inside of us because our reactions and emotions are all tied together.
A key element of what happens when you're in love is an increase of "love chemicals" in your brain and your body. We have higher levels of certain chemicals at different stages.
Early on, in the "honeymoon stage" when you feel love-struck and can't stand to be away from your lover, you have higher levels of 3 chemicals in your bloodstream: 1. Norepinephrine
2. Dopamine
3. Serotonin
Here's a few of the "love symptoms" that come with these chemicals:
• Heightened awareness (your senses)
• Reduced appetite
• Increased heart rate
• Increased energy level
• Increased sex drive
• Feelings of euphoria (intense happiness) The next stage of the emotional love cycle is the "bonding stage." Here there's an increase in the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin in our brain. These chemicals promote the behaviors and symptoms of attachment and a more parental love. The bonding stage chemicals are the "settle-down-lets-raise-a-family-and-spend-time-cuddling-watch-movies-together" ones. They're all about bonding, attachment, and comfort---long term stuff.
So there's an emotional cycle to love that comes from the body's chemical reactions. It starts with the "honeymoon stage" and moves into the "bonding stage." Basically, the chemicals in our body make the diffeent stages of our love life more intense and "real" to us by creating emotional
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experiences.
Emotions Are Contagious
I can remember going through some of the toughest issues in my life when I was around 15. I think we all went through some sort of awkward stage and experienced growth in our physical bodies and our social "selves" that made our early teens difficult. But something happened at that time that changed how I interacted with people for the rest of my life.
It's a lesson I've never forgotten...
One afternoon, I was walking down the hallway at school to catch the bus for going home. I had a lot on my mind between my own insecurities, the problems I had going on in my family, and attending a new school for the third time in two years. I'd fallen into what I felt was a funk---a sort of depression.
Up until then I'd always felt so much positive energy around me as people were always laughing, smiling, and having a good time around me. But things seemed to have changed for me. Now I didn't see smiles on the faces of the people around me. As a young boy, I started to think it was something about me.
So what happened as I was walking down the hallway?
What happened was brilliantly simple, but universally powerful. Someone I'd never met walked by me and gave me a gigantic smile that was so full of joy and life that it instantly made me smile. The stranger's smile lifted my spirits---it was contagious. I gave a big smile to a girl that walked by me, and my smile lit up her face. I ran to catch the bus, smiling all the way and getting smiles and sharing positive conversations with strangers.
I've always remembered how my entire perspective changed the moment that friendly stranger smiled at me. It reminded me that the world is more than what happens to you. Emotions are contagious. You can have a HUGE impact on everything around you, so it's your choice to spread what you want to have around you.
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Several studies have been done on how emotions and how moods can transfer from person to person. What's amazing is that emotions or moods will most often transfer from the person who is somehow more intense or forceful than the person who's more passive. And the closer the two people are to each other, then the quicker the transfer process is and the more similar their moods become.
Here's a few common ways that you can use contagious emotions and improve situations with men.
• Stay calm and controlled if you're talking about important or intense issues with a man. If you can find a way to relax and be assertive, then the man will open up more and feel the same.
• If you're out with a man and something embarrassing or irritating happens, find a way to laugh at it---in other words, find the humor in the situation.
• Ask a man to tell you a funny or gross story to make him feel that he's creating a fun and positive emotional mood.
• If a man says something hurtful to you, don't lash back at him. Instead, give yourself some space from him and let him know that you won't go there with him. If you stay calm and positive, the man will realize that he's being an idiot and a jerk.
Internal States
Let's do some important work to address the idea of your
"states." By "state" I mean the feeling that you have in your body.
Can you remember a time when you felt happy and excited?
Can you remember a time when you felt powerful and energetic?
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If you can, then you can HAVE THESE FEELINGS ANY
TIME YOU WANT THEM. Most people don't use their memories to help them feel good because they say "Well, that's not really how I'm feeling, I'm just imagining it." Well, I have news for you: You're ALWAYS just imagining it. You might as well imagine it at times when you need it instead of having it happen accidentally!
Here's how to do this:
Write down three positive states that you'd like to be able to put yourself into anytime you'd like. Then write down three instances in your life when you felt each of those states.
Finally, close your eyes and imagine yourself in each of the three situations that made you feel the state that you want and do SOMETHING UNIQUE with your body as you're remembering.
For instance, if you'd like to feel powerful and confident, recall an event that made you feel this way. As you're remembering the situation, breathe out quickly while puckering your lips. If you follow this process, you'll have the states that you want. It's like having a push button for feeling good on your body.
Next, you have to practice putting yourself into your three powerful states when you're in various environments. So go to different places and practice getting yourself into your states with distractions, etc. This might take some doing, but once you have it mastered, you'll be able to get yourself into a positive state when you're not feeling it to begin with (Could this be useful when you're feeling upset, afraid, unhappy or frustrated? Maybe...)
I've kept a personal journal of everything that I was learning and doing, so I could reflect on it, which has proved helpful to me. You also might want to try keeping a journal if you haven't already.
A Story about Vicki
There's a woman named Vicki. Every time I go out with Vicki terrible things seem to happen to her. People say and do
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things to her that ruins her day and she can't believe it. The friends and people closest to her create drama and are constantly making things more difficult than they should be for Vicki.
Vicki LOVES to talk about all these bad things that her boss, her parents, her friends, strangers, and the world are doing to her. And there's something you should know about Vicki that she would HATE if I told you...
Vicki secretly gets satisfaction from the feeling that she has it "tougher" than everyone else. She finds comfort in knowing that everyone else is screwed up and wrong. It makes her life easier. And when people don't do or say what Vicki expects them to do or say, it ruins her mood.
Somehow Vicki's never wrong or ever at fault. And the rest of the world's problems, issues, and the way they talk to her are the reason for her frustrations and disappointments.
Maybe you've met Vicki?
Well, you have because everyone knows "Vicki." Vicki's name is short for "Victim", and we all know her. Everyone has a Vicki in their life. It could even be you...
And guess what? It's easy to be "Vicki" sometimes.
So why does Vicki find excuses for her life and blame others for what happens? And why is Vicki important to you?
Because acting like "Vicki" releases you from being responsible for your actions and from having to deal with the unpleasant things that happen around you. Yep, it places the fault and responsibility for what's wrong on other people. You'll never get far with any of your close personal relationships with the Vicki attitude---especially with a man.
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Chapter 6. The
Biggest Mistakes
Women Make With
Their Emotions
Emotional "Display Rules"
There's a kind of secret compliment that I've heard men give to certain women when they're talking with other guys, and I've finally figured out what it means. This is a kind of
"guy code" - an unspoken, but universally understood male slang word.
Men will refer to some women they know as a "cool girl"
or a "cool woman."
Ever heard a guy say this? It sounds simple and vacuous at first, but when men say this about a woman, they're talking about something specific and interesting.
So what does this guy code of a "cool girl" actually mean?
It means that the woman "gets" certain social and emotional dynamics that resonate deeply with men.
And more importantly, there's a subtle implication that the man likes to spend time with the woman. That being around her is all about having good experiences and sharing fun, positive energy. Note that it's not about any sharing negative things that men unfortunately associate with other women they may know.
Yeah, that's right... Some men, although they don't realize it, actually associate most women with the same behavior and
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experiences with women that they don't like or with whom they have had bad experiences.
Kind of sad, huh? But it happens. Ever been talking about something you feel strongly or get kind of "emotional"
about and the guy you were talking to either shut down, seemed irritated, or started in on you for some unknown reason? This reaction was probably because the man was associating you with a woman or an experience from his past.
After watching the way some of the "cool girls" behave, I've seen a few things they all do and don't do.
Let's start with the "Do's" :
• Cool girls bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations.
• Cool girls don't have to control too much of the situation around them for their own comfort. They're willing to go with the flow, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.
• Cool girls have options and things to do that keeps them satisfied so they don't feel like they're left out if they're not invited to something.
• Cool girls don't try and make a man do something if he says he doesn't want to do it; they'd prefer that the man to make up his own mind.
• When cool girls need help, they find simple, non-controlling ways to ask. Cool girls know that getting or asking for help and communicating about it in a positive way means keeping their own emotions in check.
• Cool girls can handle almost any social situation that comes up. They don't get emotionally rattled by people, places, and situations.
• Cool girls don't require or ask too much from a man at any one time. They know there's always tomorrow.
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• Cool girls don't need a man to validate their emotions and ideas.
• Cool girls aren't afraid to be completely honest.
• Cool girls know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them.
And here's a couple of "Don'ts":
• Don't complain much or talk about things that are impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation.
• Don't ignore your feelings when you're really affected or bothered by something. Men have a sense of intuition too, so don't lie about your feelings. Take the time to observe your feelings and be patient with how you express them.
• Don't say everything that you're feeling and experiencing. Think before you speak.
• Don't mention bad situations, issues, or problems from the past unless it's a total "must" or extremely important and you haven't been able to talk about it yet. Otherwise, live in the present.
• Don't try to force or convince a man to talk about his feelings. He'll think you're being needy.
It's important to mention that the goal isn't to keep you from denying your feelings. It's critical for you to acknowledge and respect those feelings. But the goal is to bring you to a place where you can begin to observe how you're feeling so that you can make conscious decisions using BOTH your emotions and intellect. The goal is to use your new emotional and intellectual wisdom before you act in certain situations.
Emotional Potential
There's an "alter ego" we all have that has taken over at
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some point in our lives. Think about the last time you were really upset or angry. Or back when you were a kid. Do you remember being so upset that your body was moving and the words were coming out of your mouth so quickly that it felt as if you were on autopilot?
We've all got that survival instinct in us. But it's not something we really need or want in our everyday lives. We're not out in the wild where we need to be prepared to respond at a moment's notice without thinking.
For men, their emotions don't always connect their heart to their body. There was a purpose to this emotional detachment hundreds and thousands of years ago. Fighting, hunting, mating, and other forms of competition made the ability to detach emotionally an advantage for men.
For women, their basic genetic programming is different.
They're more inclined to attach to people and things emotionally. As a result, women are often more selective with men than men are with women. But once a woman does find a man, she is prone to have a deeper level of emotional attachment.
No one's "right" in nature, just different. But some women emotions can start to tell them that a man is wrong for being emotionally detached. Women believe that men are wrong in acting this way. But what they don't understand is that emotional detachment is often not a conscious choice for men.
Because men and women have different ways of emotionally connecting with each other, painful differences often show up when different expectations exist or it comes time to talk about a more serious relationship. This contrast or difference can be the source of a whole range of emotional frustrations that women have experienced with men.
There's a concept around this idea that I call a man's
"Emotional Potential." I think that each man has a different measure of where he falls in his potential to enter a committed and emotionally connected relationship. Some men are born with more natural emotional potential than other men.
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Women, in general, have a very high emotional potential toward men. The personal and emotional interactions they experience help to quickly "attach" to a man.
Men, comparatively, have very low emotional potential.
Personal interactions don't do as much to feel attached to a woman.
A man's emotional potential with a woman is based on the speed and depth of his ability to attach emotionally and bond with a woman. So there are a few ways for a woman to help a man realize his emotional potential. But be forewarned: it's not usually quick and easygoing, and some men can't be helped if they're too closed off.
Here are a few good ways to go about it...
• Keep talking about other couples and how they are emotionally "close" and how they do things together. But do it in a subtle way. Most men are much better at learning from other couples than they are from trying new things that they can't see or piece together in their head.
• Share with a man the way you see things in a pressure-free way. If you tell a man something that he did that you like, then talk about the way it made you feel and explain how it makes you feel closer to him... so he'll start to get it.
• Point out, without criticizing too much or getting too negative, how other couples and other men live detached and lonely lives because they don't let other people in emotionally. Stories and movies are the most powerful way to communicate this point. Go to a movie that demonstrate these concepts and ask him what he thinks and feels. Get him thinking about it for himself so he can improve his own life.
Forcing Your Feelings on a Man
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Here's an emotional death-spiral I've watched some women fall into with men...
Some women just don't look for or plainly ignore the signs when a man has extremely low emotional potential. These signs usually indicate that he isn't capable of experiencing much emotional attachment and intimacy.
Instead, women start by trying to convince a man that he should have the same emotional feelings that she has. Women often say that it's normal to have feelings of emotional involvement. So when things don't work this way for a man, women start making excuses for the man's emotional shortcomings and try to make up for the difference by draining their own emotional resources.
In this situation, a woman is assuming that she can fix a man emotionally or at least can compensate for what he's lacking with what they have. But inevitably women are left feeling empty, cheated, and unappreciated.
If you know anything about men, you know that they don't like to be pushed in any direction, especially when it comes to their emotions. They can be really stubborn. Just talking about emotions is enough with some men, but trying to get them to change is kind of like performing brain surgery with salad forks; you're just not going to get the job done.
The best thing for a woman to do is to cater her approach with a man to his specific emotional potential... Or decide not to get involved with him in the first place since he's emotionally inept -- in other words, a dry well.
Relationship Debt
Have you ever felt like a man would be there for you, and when he wasn't it really hurt your feelings?
Or have you ever been let down or heartbroken when the guy you were dating suddenly wanted to end the relationship, even though everything seemed like it was going great?
I mean, when you're dating or are involved early on in a
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relationship, isn't there an implied responsibility of being there for each other? You're supposed to take care of the people you get involved with---right?
Well, the bad news is that some men just don't see things this way, and it creates a big rift between what men and women expect from each other when dating.
Emotionally, lots of women instantly feel that a man owes them something because they're together even if the issue of commitment has never been discussed.
These "unspoken situations" with men are extremely common and difficult positions women find themselves in with men. And yeah, I get that some men are tough nuts to crack and women don't want to rock the boat by trying to have "the talk" or inquire about what's going on inside the guys' heart and head. This seems like the last thing to do with a man, especially if things are pretty new and the guy is not too emotionally open by nature.
But there's something that tons of women do that makes this situation worse for themselves. They have an ideal in their mind and constantly compare what's going on to that ideal. As a result, a woman will never feel like things are good enough because she'll never get EXACTLY her ideal situation and what she's secretly expecting from a man.
The odds of ANY MAN living up to those ideals in a short or medium amount of time are slim to none---men just don't move that fast with love and commitment. Only a few lucky women have had this happen---one in a million. And if your married girlfriends tell you differently, then they're lying to you or they've conveniently forgot all about the bumps along the road when their own relationship wasn't exactly how they wanted it.
So the disappointment that women have from not getting what they want and often expect affects their entire attitude with a man. In this situation, some women become emotionally dependent on a man because they're waiting for him to give them what they think they want.
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There's an important truth I want to share: No single person can EVER give you exactly what you want emotionally. Humans are too complex to have their emotional needs met by one person.
So when a woman has the belief that a man can and should give her exactly what she wants, she becomes mentally and emotionally dependent on a man by expecting him to meet all of her emotional needs and expectations---this is a sure-fire way to end up feeling lousy. And it can lead you to having needy negative displays of emotions that can make things worse.
I call this whole process "Relationship Debt." It's something that can start immediately when a man and a woman meet.
Here's a story about a girl named Lisa: Lisa's been thinking about all the things she wants to have in her relationship. She's created a picture in her head of what her life with a man would be like.
She's developed a sense of trust with her boyfriend. She feels that they are deeply committed to each other through the special connection they share. Since she's been dating him for six months, she's decided it's time for their relationship to go to "the next level." And because she's so confident in the relationship, she's developed attachments to more long-term plans she has in her mind.
In her mind, it's time for things to progress---so Lisa talks to her friends about him and wonders why he hasn't talked about the obvious progression together.
And everyone's asking:
• When will the relationship progress?
• When are you guys moving in together?
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• When is he going to figure it out and settle down with you?
The friends are asking, the families are asking, and everybody is asking.
And it's starting to frustrate her---a lot.
Then she does what drives men crazy. What makes men want to run from a relationship.
She calls in her "Relationship Debt."
It happens as Lisa starts thinking...
• Maybe he doesn't feel the way I do?
• Why is he avoiding the subject of our relationship?
• Is he like the other guys I've dated who are afraid of commitment?
• Is he doing the same thing that my friend's boyfriend did?
• Will he freak out or get mad when I bring this up?
So Lisa decides to have "the talk" with her boyfriend.
She unleashes all her pent-up thoughts, expectations, and frustrations on her boyfriend. She begins to tell him all the things she feels she deserves from him and their relationship---
she wants him to own up to his emotional debt.
It's an emotional tidal wave when she releases all that energy.
And guess what her boyfriend does?
Like most men, he's not very good at handling intense emotional situations. And being clueless, he has NO IDEA
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where all this intense negative energy is coming from. He can't think of ANYTHING he's done to warrant such intense emotional "drama."
So he reacts to Lisa with his own frustration and anger and storms off to leave the scene of the fight, having been unable to deal with all the things being thrown at him all at once.
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Chapter 7. The Emotional Gap: How Men and Women Are Different and What to Do About It
Mismatches & the Emotional Bridge After spending the last ten years or so studying psychology and behavior, I've come to the opinion that MOST
of our desires, drives, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, behaviors, and personality traits are determined partly by our DNA and partly by our social conditioning.
Even differences like whether a person is adventurous or calm is largely a matter of programming from birth (If you really disagree with me on this topic, read some books on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator like The Art of Speed Reading People by Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul Tieger.) All the personality type and psychology stuff boils down to one key idea in my mind... that people have a natural set preferences or things that ENERGIZE them. And on the flip-side, they also have things that they don't like and that "de-energize" them. It's fascinating to think about how this concept applies to dating, relationships, and love.
Have you ever read the personals? Maybe you've noticed how many women say things like "princess looking for prince",
"friends first", and "looking for my soul-mate." And have you ever noticed how almost NO men ever say these things?
What's going on?
Have you ever listened to a group of women talking about men? Ever notice how they speak largely in some kind of code language that men usually tune out because they just don't get that kind of female language? To men, women are constantly making a big deal out of tiny details that seem totally irrelevant.
Have you ever noticed, on the other hand, how men have no interest in discussing personal details and people?
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What's going on?
Here's my take on this whole subject: Men are playing out a role that hasn't changed for thousands of years.
There are many parts of the human brains that create drives and desires for different things. Often, these drives conflict with each other.
For instance, a man might want a strong independent woman in his life, but he might also want to be needed and depended on by a woman. He might want to have attention, but he might also want to be seen as above needing it.
(Women have these types of conflicts as well, but usually in different areas than men.)
So, for example, I hear a lot of women saying things like,
"I hate the confusing situations men create with women. Why don't they just decide if they want a woman who's assertive and independent, or if they want one who's passive and dependent?
My answer: Both situations satisfy important social and emotional needs for men---as weird and paradoxical as that might sound. Independent women make men feel like they're not tied down---they make men feel free. Women who need or want a man's help and support tend to make men feel powerful.
These "roles" send emotions through the man's body (emotions can be highly addictive chemicals). These emotions are often a way to feel self-righteous, to make things fun, to create interesting, to prevent boredom, to give things meaning... and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for men to want both independent and needy women. But most women can't understand because most women DON'T have these needs.
It's like men saying, "I hate it when all a girl can talk about is fashion." What needs do fashion fulfill for women?
Fashion fulfills women's need for social "organization", fantasy, artistic expression, and ornamentation... all more typical female
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stuff that you don't normally associate with the stereotypical male. Incidentally, this fashion stuff fulfills needs that most men just plain don't have.
There's a concept I call the "Emotional Bridge" that men and women experience with each other because of these differences. And it can make dealing with men feel like pulling teeth when it comes to communicating and building emotional connections to "bridge" these differences.
The Emotional Bridge is basically a mental roadblock that can be undone by changing a few simple things about how you approach your love life.
I'll explain it like this... Do you know anyone that has an amazing life, but they never seemed to feel very happy or fulfilled, no matter how good things got? I think everybody knows someone like this.
And you probably also know some women who are unfulfilled this way with men and relationships. These women are always dissatisfied with what they have or where they are, so they always push and pull for more.
Maybe you've even experienced this yourself.
What's really happening here and what can you do about it?
For lots of women it's pretty straightforward: They can't ever get to a more fulfilling place with the man in their life or even on a personal level because they're CONSTANTLY
comparing what's happening right now and how the man is behaving with the ideal situation they've created in their mind.
The act of comparing reality and subsequently seeing how far away it is from the ideal is what ultimately drains and frustrates women. What's created is an emotional "gap"
between the woman's ideals and the man's ideals.
But guess what... Ideals and reality don't have much in common. And a man's ideals are different than a woman's ideals.
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So what if a man's ideals really ARE different from yours?
What would you do? Just thinking about this idea can radically change and improve the way you approach situations with men.
At this point it might sound contradictory, but I want to point out that there's a TON of value locked up in your ideals.
Creating an ideal situation with a man in your mind is a common and relatively natural thing for a woman to do. In fact, it can be healthy; it can motivate and inspire you.
But when you compare your ideals to your relationship and your life, it's often impossible to be happy about what you see. It's like trying to live a fantasy.
It's worth pointing out that men do the same thing. Some guys always seem to be in search of the bigger better deal, even if they have a great woman. It's like they think that they'll find a supermodel to love them unconditionally but ask nothing of them in return. This ideal for men that there's a woman like this out there for them is NOTHING BUT a fantasy.
This type of woman does not exist in the real world, but lots of guys unconsciously chase this fantasy woman and situation in their life.
Don't be the female version of that guy.
Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women If you want to develop a magnetic personality that draws men to you for all the right reasons, then you need to start processing a few important ideas in your mind that will ultimately connect you to the right emotions and emotional states.
Here's how and why...
What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things and stay connected and close with her?
Good question.
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If I had to boil it down to one thing, it would be this... The single thing that attracts men for the long-term is a woman who's in control of her own self in any situation. In other words, she's self-aware and observes her own emotions, communication, and behavior.
So the way I see it, the underpinnings of your personal success or failure with attracting men and creating great environments for long-term relationships rests on two related areas:
1. Your Emotional State
This includes your attitude, how you talk to yourself, your self-image, your confidence level, and your personality.)
2. Your External Behavior & Communication This is everything you say and do with a man.
And believe it or not, a lot of determines your emotional state.
What I'm getting at is that there's a process of self-awareness and adjustment around the deeper stuff that includes your own psychology, beliefs, emotions, self-image, etc. that needs to take place before you can take your behavior and communication with men to where it has the effect you want with a man.
For starters, you already now know how powerful and contagious your emotions can be and how they can affect other people. For example, when you're excited, men close to you will also become more energetic and excited.
And when you're down, men are generally pulled down with you and begin to match and mirror your emotional tone---
or they distance themselves and withdraw.
Setting positive emotional tones is the easy and obvious way of creating a positive mood. You already know how these
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things work and see it everyday---so I'm not telling you anything you don't already know about here. But you probably want a whole lot more in your love life, right?
Good. Here's where to start then. Think for a minute about yourself and about how men in the past have become energized, attracted, and connected to you. What did you think and do to make this happen?
I bet you'll remember some interesting things you did and said, and I bet that you can do those things again. Take your own personal ideas and "style" from what you remember about yourself and look at some of the ones I've come up with listed below.
I've found a few important constant emotional habits or beliefs that successful and fulfilled people have. And the women who've applied these concepts to men and dating have benefited because it eliminates TONS of conflicting issues that women encounter with men.
Here's a short list of positive emotional habits.
• Set a positive emotional tone and keep it.
• Start important interaction by first expressing the feelings you want him to return.
• Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
• Be flexible.
• Talk "tough" but practice understanding.
Below is an explanation of these beliefs. I put them in a situational context to show you how they work in the real world and how you can benefit from them.
• Set A Positive Emotional Tone And Keep It Have you ever sat and watched people talking, say at a restaurant? If you watch for a few seconds or minutes, you can usually tell that there's one person who's leading or dictating
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the context and emotional tone of the conversation, and one person who's following it.
Big hint... The person who's laughing more (especially nervous laughter) and shaking "Yes" with their head up and down is usually going along with the other person's emotional tone. The person who laughs less, doesn't give as many body language "cues", and fidgets less is usually the person who is leading the tone of the conversation.
This is fascinating when you apply it to men and women.
Women who set or dictate a positive emotional tone with a man do something VERY powerful. They demonstrate a certain type of dominance and control at a deep level. When a woman's tone is consistently positive, even in tough situations, it exudes confidence, which makes her very attractive to men.
The woman becomes someone who creates an atmosphere to which he's naturally drawn. A woman who does this steers a man's emotional state in a positive direction, and a man that gets this consistently will become attracted to the woman at a deep unconscious level.
And you can take it a step farther... If you help a man have a positive experience in a situation that he would normally expect to be negative, you will become a rare, unique, and valuable person to him. In his mind, he will instantly see you as someone who understands him better than most women or most people in the world.
Be ready for a man to become unusually open, honest, and sensitive when this happens. At this point, it's good to start talking about positive things that you share as a means to reinforce his openness, his emotional awareness, and his heightened sensitivity.
After a little bit of this, you'll have a guy on your hands who will want to get to know everything about you and your own emotions---and help make them a reality.
• Start Important Interactions By First Expressing The Feelings You Want Him To Return
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There's an important idea I think about a lot, especially when I'm involved in any kind of emotionally heated or charged situation. And it's something that I've watched women who are naturally successful and have an easy time in any situation with a man. I call these women "Naturals."
Remember the old saying, "You catch more flies with honey"? Unfortunately, lots of people don't see how this idea can work for them, especially women. I can't tell you how many times I hear women talking about their feelings say one thing, but mean another. They talk about their "actual intentions", but what they REALLY WANT from the man is something totally unrelated.
In fact, most women (and men) have no idea what they want when they're talking about their feelings and emotions.
They just know that they feel something and don't know whether they want the pain to go away or the pleasure to continue.
What happens when a woman communicates about her feelings and what she wants with a man without considering how the man will perceive things differently than how she sees it?
Well, the ONLY thing that is clearly visible to a man in this situation is the woman's emotional tone---that she's frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, etc. So the emotional tone the woman dictates (most of the time unintentionally) takes the conversation to a place that inevitably leads to frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc---all the things that the woman's emotional tone dictates.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out that women generally don't get too far in getting what they want with men when they pass along negative emotional tones in their conversations.
Ever begin an important talk with a man, or accidentally lead yourself into it, by talking about something negative that is bothering you?
What tone did it set? And what was the guy's response?
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Try setting the right emotional tone first.
• Seek To Understand Before Seeking To Be Understood
I've got a friend who's very successful in business. He's the kind of guy to whom people are magnetically drawn. And I've learned that a big piece of what draws people to him is that he's ALWAYS thinking about the other person's thoughts, feelings, and concerns in any given situation---not his personal agenda. So when he goes into a meeting, has lunch with anyone, gets on the phone, etc. he immediately goes into
"Understanding Mode" where all he wants to do is get a feel for what the other person is thinking and feeling.
When I first watched him do this, I thought it was a little over-done. He'd consistently ask questions and then repeat back to the person later what they told him earlier. (I later learned this last part was a huge piece of the process.) But then I watched the results... After doing this with those around him, EVERYONE wanted to understand him. So in turn, these people extended their generosity to him in his personal AND professional life.
So I decided to try it in my own life and guess what? It totally worked and it continues to serve me in every area of my life. Imagine that!
If you can learn to think about what other people want and give it to them instead of giving them what you think they want, you'll instantly become a magically attractive person to be around---in all areas of your life.
Creating and keeping attraction and a connection with a man doesn't come from your "Selfish Love." It comes from the behavior, emotions, and communication that trigger positive feelings and reactions for HIM. So the sooner you can shift your perspective to this "out of self" thinking, the sooner everything will become easier for you with a man. You have to stop using YOUR logic when it comes to dealing with men.
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Let me give you an example of "Selfish Love": Imagine a guy you were dating told you he wanted to take you away for "the perfect weekend." You might be intrigued and excited as you think about all the adventures and romantic things you'll do together and the close connection you'll build sharing your feelings with each other. You can't wait. Then the weekend rolls around and the guy has planned for you to do all kinds of "guy" stuff like sitting on the couch, watching football on TV, drinking beer, eating fast food, and watching porn.
Would that sound great to you? Would it trigger attraction for you and make you think, "Hey, this is someone I could settle down with. They really understand me"?
Yeah, this might sound like a ridiculous example to you, but it's extreme to make a point. The reality is that it's a lot like the "Selfish Love" lots of women try to give to men.
Think about it... When women make the effort to do things like cooking, shopping, sharing feelings, and nurturing a man, they're doing wonderful and generous things. But it doesn't mean that the man will become more interested or attracted to her because in reality the things she's doing are probably things she'd want somebody to do for her.
• Be Flexible
Most of the time, men just want to feel understood and appreciated, just as women do. If you can let a man know that you've taken the time to see things from his perspective, even just a little bit, it will have a big impact. He'll see you as easier to be with, and perhaps the woman with whom he wants to share more of his life. And this brings more trust and intimacy.
Of course you don't have to give up your take on things, even if they contradict what the man might be seeing or feeling. But there's the added benefit that you might learn something about the man and how he's experiencing things that you might not have seen if you didn't put yourself in his shoes.
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What often happens is that a woman idealizes how things should be and how she should feel with a man. And while these ideals have value, they aren't always realistic. So when a woman allows herself and her life to be more flexible, she'll start to make changes and choices. These unexpected choices and changes can lead a man to feel a strong level of attraction and a sense of comfort and trust toward her.
• Talk "Tough" But Practice Understanding Some women use their emotions and their side of the story to get what they want with a man. And when push comes to shove, some women will bully a man into doing something---
whether it's telling a man to be more affectionate, to spend more time together, or to generally not act like a jack-ass.
If you do this in a way that says to a man, "it's all about how it affects you", the man will eventually resent you. You've got to learn to communicate in a way that says to a man, "I see both sides of this story, and here's what I want---what about you?"
This way you'll come off as assertive, but not controlling and over-bearing. A man will feel as if he's making the decision for himself---which is a much more powerful way to influence someone. Using this approach will greatly improve your relationship with a man---and your life.
A good way to start is to always remember that there will be a time to express your feelings. You don't need to express all your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about a topic on the spot, especially if you're feeling really emotional. Wait and do it when the time is right. Don't be in a hurry when you're in tough situations with a man---patience will help get what you want.
So we have covered the short list of emotional habits or
"beliefs." In the real world, if you demonstrate these things to a man in a positive emotional tone, you will see an amazing effect in your relationship.
It's important for a woman to do these things without
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compromising herself by creating an unhealthy balance with a man where she caters to anything a man wants and becomes a pushover.
Some women have too much of the "door-mat" thing.
Unfortunately, they get walked on by men who are more like bulls in a china shop.
If you're assertive without being too pushy, you'll become an amazing and irresistible woman in a man's mind. And what you receive from a man will be his understanding and his willingness to compromise, especially when you have conflicting perspectives.
After years and years of watching all the strategies women take with men, it's the short, assertive, calm approach that make the largest impact on a man when you're trying to move things forward and deal with his issues about growing closer.
But most women can't help their feelings in these situations. They're often frustrated with the way the man is or isn't communicating about what's going on with him, so they try to fill the void by letting the man know everything she wants from him as though her love and desire can fill the gap and the guy will be able to listen and take on her feelings as his own.
If you create a scenario in your mind about commitment, and tell this to a guy in the beginning of your relationship, you'll create more distance between the two of you. There's a huge difference between fulfilling your own desires and demanding from someone that they are responsible for giving you what you want.
If you make a man feel like you're TELLING him or that you're very needy about the future, a man's "stay single"
response will be triggered. If a man feels that his life would be better, and maybe easier, if he stayed single or just dated casually---what do you think he would do?
You'll get a whole lot back from a man, and you won't
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have to give much at all. And what does it really "cost" you anyways?
Taking Emotional Ownership
There's one choice you can make that will change your life for the better. No one does anything TO you - YOU do it to yourself. It's your choice to give emotional meaning and significance to another person's actions, and it's your choice to decide how you want to respond.
The ability to choose a better emotional state for yourself is what I call "Emotional Ownership." And when you achieve ownership, you will also be able to help others in their emotional state.
My friend Sara is a perfect example of someone with emotional ownership. Several years ago, Sara told me about the time she was able to resolve an issue that was causing conflict in her relationship with her boyfriend. Her technique of resolving her boyfriend's emotional issues about commitment utterly amazed me:
"If my boyfriend is emotionally having a hard time with anything in our relationship, or personally, I take responsibility in helping him get it taken care of. I don't resist him or make anything more difficult, because I know that in the long run it's in the best interest of our relationship.
I can't tell you how awestruck I was when I heard what she said. I'd never heard a woman talk so directly about how she approached issues that affected how she got along with a man. I've never heard of anyone (a man or a woman) taking complete responsibility and ownership for the entire emotional experience the other person is having in a relationship.
There's something lots of the different martial arts disciplines promote---you can use the strength, force, and energy exerted by the other person to your own benefit. When men and women argue or have other intense emotional interactions, what often happens is that the man will automatically oppose the woman's stance. And women often do the same with men.
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The better strategy is to go WITH the person, especially if there is some big issue at stake. But the key here is that you have to be in a mental and emotional place where you're comfortable doing this---you have to have emotional ownership for what you're saying, feeling, and doing.
To go WITH a man in this way, here are some ideas:
• Agree with the man's argument. A man becomes attached to his negative feelings when he's irritated, upset, or having a tough time with something. So he closes off his mind to other ways of seeing things. You can't talk him out of them and when you try, you're telling him that his feelings are wrong. This makes a man close his mind off even further. So agree with him. "Yes, there's not much of a future for us." When you don't defend yourself, the man will start opening up and do it for you.
• Don't whine, pressure, or complain. Find a way to be personally happy with the way things are and let the man be right with anything that he says is wrong. It's not that he IS right; it's that you can re-frame what he does with it.
• Be a little bit less available with your time and emotions if a man is being difficult emotionally or won't own up to his end of an issue. Give him the gift of missing you.
All these ideas use the martial arts technique of taking the energy that's coming at you and deflecting it from affecting you. And if things are especially difficult, just have short and simple interactions. Be happy, succinct, and talk about things other than the issue that's looming.
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Louder Than Words---
So What Are You
Saying?
From everything I've seen and learned, it's much better for the man to pursue the woman than for the woman to pursue the man. Of course you can't always choose who you like and whether they'll pursue you, but actively chasing a man is like a salmon trying to swim upstream. You struggle and struggle to get to your destination but when you arrive, the odds are that you won't even survive or get to stay around to enjoy the view.
Maybe that sounds negative to you and you're an optimist who thinks you can make any situation work if you put your mind to it. That's a great attitude. And yes, it can work if you want to pursue a man and win him over.
But here's the thing...
You can still approach men if they don't approach you, but you've got to make sure you don't send out a message that says, "I'm going to chase you because I desperately want you." So if you do approach men, make use of the things discussed later in this chapter that will work to your advantage in meeting, attracting, and creating relationships with good men. That way you'll get to work with the "system" that has evolved in nature over millions of years. You'll get the advantages and the momentum that's built into our courtship interactions on your side. This way you'll be playing into the hidden secrets and psychology of men instead of working
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against the man's thinking. Many women try to attract men and hold onto a relationship without success because they don't know how to use the man's "system" to their advantage.
It's your choice and your behavior. You can swim with the current and enjoy the experience, or you can fight the flow and go against the elements around you. In other words, you can use the natural path of least resistance so that you don't have to guess what's going on with men around you and avoid suffering the pain and loss lots of women experience with men.
In this section I'll talk about the behavioral aspects and the specifics of how to "swim with the current" to be successful. Knowing how to do this will start the relationship off on the right note. But a word of caution: You can only do this once you have an understanding of the underlying psychology behind "all things behavioral." I discussed this earlier in Part 1 of the book.
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Chapter 8. How to Attract Men
Attraction: What's The Big Deal?
Everyday I receive a flood of questions in my email from women asking for advice about their dating situations. What they write is VERY revealing. Some of the emails ask a list of questions that are more than three pages long. Here a common kind of question.
"Hey Christian, I like this guy but there's a problem... I said this, and then he said that, (paraphrasing) so I didn't know what to do. What should I do next? I emailed him later, but he didn't call for several days, and then I called him and he still acted interested but he wouldn't make much time to get together and now he's not as into things as he used to be."
And at the end of almost every email, there's always one of those types of "quick fix" questions:
• "How do I get him interested in me?"
• "How do I get him back?
• "How can I get him to act the way he used to?"
• "What does it mean when a guy is acting this way?"
• "What do I do next when he's acting this way?"
I won't share the other stuff I get by email. They're not really for public consumption.
So while these are good questions that I'd like to answer, the reality is that there's no way I can address every specific situation under the sun and know all the nuances. But I do know what does and what doesn't work in most situations.
So when I'm reading one of these emails, I can INSTANTLY tell if the woman has an understanding of attraction, why it's important, and what to do about it. But
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when you're asking questions about how to behave or what to say exactly, you're usually looking for an external answer that really is an internal issue.
Of course we all want the "magic" thing to do or say that will make someone fall for us, love us, and take care of us. But you can't just say something and not understand what's going on "behind the scenes" of the psychology. You've got to have the right state of mind for the behavioral "stuff" to work for you.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it's a common thing that lots of women do. They obsess over the details of a man's behavior and think there's some perfect or magic way to change things into what they want them to be by saying something to the guy or asking him the right questions.
Now I don't want to claim that women are not having tough times with guys, but I can honestly say that I know the details aren't that important. I've watched the things that work with men play out again and again so I know they work with 95% of men (excluding the creeps, psychos and men who do all their thinking below the waist), regardless of the details.
Keep It Simple
So here's the deal with all the "What do I do when he does this?" questions that I mentioned before: Stop worrying about doing the perfect thing in each situation and try to do a simple thing correctly---and have fun doing it.
I know it sounds too simple, but if you're doing a few of the "right" things now and then and making a man feel attraction for you, then the little details and specifics about men and their behavior are just DISTRACTIONS. And the distractions are often what confuse you and make you behave in counterproductive ways---such as acting needy for fear that things won't work out. Or not giving yourself space and time to enjoy your own life when a guy hasn't called you back in a few days.
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It's hard for most women to believe, but what works with men is less complex than what our ever-rationalizing brain wants to make it. Your mind is always looking for patterns and reasons to explain everything around it, why each word was said and whether some action means something more profound.
It goes against our common sense, but simple is better, especially when thinking how to interact with men. In fact, there's a fascinating scientific maxim called the KISS Principle that basically says that the more simple the solution or answer is, the better it is.
Enough on that...
The point is that if you do what works with men, make great impressions, and avoid the big mistakes, you'll start having the experiences or relationships that you're looking for.
You'll also STOP WORRYING about all the little things a man might be doing. So take simple steps, and you'll find there's a beauty to it.
What if you went up to a very attractive guy and just did one good thing to start a conversation? Pretty simple, right?
Then what if the next time you see that guy or another man you're interested in you do one simple thing to trade phone numbers? That's relatively easy and straightforward, right?
Then you try something fun to setup a date. Then you start being a little bit more flirtatious. Then you challenge him.
The thing is, if you break things down into simple steps and don't jump ahead of yourself, everything is pretty easy.
But if you're trying to meet a man and get him to fall madly in love with you so that he can be the father of your children, it's a much different story.
And wouldn't it be nice to stop worrying about what might be wrong with men? Exactly... so let me say it again to be clear.
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If you start doing what works with men in small and simple steps, such as triggering intense physical and intellectual attraction (I will discuss how to do this later in this chapter), then you'll be able to put aside most of the issues you might have worried about in the past. And all of a sudden, men will magically become easier to be with. They'll be more open and receptive with you about everything. And amazingly, you'll have a much easier time understanding where they're coming from as well.
But you also want to trigger a man's interest in something more long term, right? And this is where things start to sound and feel less simple for most women.
So let me ask you something...
Have you ever talked to a woman about a relationship she's in, and she told you she never had any big issues with the guy she's with. You wonder why there was never any real struggle about a commitment, settling down, and thinking about marriage. It's like their relationship sounds too easy, and you wonder why it isn't like this with the guys you date?
These low or zero maintenance relationships, where things seem to naturally drift towards commitment and marriage, aren't just fairy tales. They happen for lots of people out there.
But what's so different about these men and how can a woman attract such men? And why are these men so much easier to be in a relationship with, and why is it easier for them to want to move forward in the relationship?
The thing that I've learned is that in getting to these answers about men and relationships, there's an all important question that you need to learn the answer to first:
"What attracts men?"
And...
"What amplifies the attraction above and beyond the
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physical attraction? And how can a woman get the guy to commit?
It might sound too simple, but after years of study and observation around the subject of dating and relationships, something became glaringly obvious... Most people have no
"real world" idea of what attraction is, where attraction comes from, or how to create attraction in others. There's no tangible evidence out there that says "this is attraction, this is how it works, this is how to create it." And what's even stranger is there's no hard science or studies out there that really explain attraction. In fact, there are very few books at all on the subject, of any kind.
This being the case, the next few sections in the book cover "real world" information about the behavior and communication that creates lasting attraction with men.
The "Curse" Of the Physically Attractive Woman If you've been paying attention in life, you know that things often come easy to physically attractive women. And it's especially true when it comes to meeting men. No big discovery there, right? But here's the thing I find fascinating...
The women I know who are physically attractive usually have a HARDER time finding a good guy to settle down with them in comparison to the women I know who don't have men ogling them all the time.
In other words, the women I know who aren't approached by men as often are usually better at identifying good men from bad men. And they're better at creating the right environment and situation for a future relationship.
What's going on here? It seems kind of backwards.
I've been thinking more about this lately and I've started to recognize a pattern. For women who are physically attractive, in a strange way, being attractive becomes the very thing that holds them back from learning how to create the kind of attraction that goes beyond just how good they look.
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Let me explain...
Some women are able to trigger a man's "caveman response", so they think that this is what works. And anything else that might go wrong between her and the man afterwards is some totally unrelated problem.
But here's the thing... Sure, triggering a man's physical interest is a relatively easy way to go about it. Men, being the predictable animals they can be, usually respond to what the woman is doing. But here's the tricky part about some men.
When a man responds to physical attraction, it can lead women into thinking that they're going about getting close to him in the right way.
However, the ultimate outcome isn't anything near what the woman was aiming for in her love life. And instead of falling in love with her the way she would have wanted him to, the "caveman" just falls "in lust" and doesn't develop any real connection or desire beyond the physical, which means that he has no desire for a long-term relationship with her.
So tension and trouble starts to build and it becomes painfully obvious that he's not ready for anything more serious because he doesn't share the same deep feelings for her as she does for him.
Every man I know wants to share more than just sex with a woman. But they don't REQUIRE that a woman meet their broad set of criteria for him to be interested in having sex with her. Physical attraction is often the first mechanism triggered in a man.
A guy can see a woman he finds physically appealing and want to be with her JUST for that reason. He will act on his feelings of physical attraction and get involved with her without really thinking beyond his physical desire for her. I call this situation the "caveman response" because of how reckless this kind of behavior can become.
As a result, lots of men get involved with women because they have a narrow-minded sexual focus. Plus, lots of men haven't developed much emotional maturity when it comes to
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women, dating, and relationships. What happens here is that the man's physical attraction "triggers" end up leading their decision-making because their emotional sensibilities aren't as developed as they are with most women.
Maybe you've seen this... maybe you knew a guy who dated a beautiful woman who was a TOTAL NIGHTMARE and who you couldn't believe that he got involved with her. Maybe the woman was destructive, malicious, manipulative, etc., but the guy didn't see it or didn't even care.
What's happening here is that the physical attraction takes such an intense hold of the man that it distracts him from addressing his longer-term fulfillment and emotional needs. And about 2-4 months or so later the physical intensity usually starts to wane and the man "comes to his senses." He finally sees all the things about the woman everyone around was trying to warn him about. Then the relationship ends shortly thereafter and the guy starts saying things like:
"How could I have dated her?" Or, "What was I thinking?"
Ever heard a guy say this? Unfortunately, it happens a lot, and it's almost always a painful situation for the woman on the other side who might feel used or taken advantage of.
Actually, it sucks for them.
Let's get to the bottom of what's going on here.
First, the men involved in these situations are obviously at fault. These guys haven't grown up enough to decide the right reasons when and why to get involved with a woman or not. In fact, they're not really thinking at all about the consequences and the future.
The real dirt on men is that they can often have JUST a physical attraction for women, not being sure about anything else they might want beyond that and still move forward with a woman. For some men, feeling physically attracted to a woman is enough to become intimate -- but while lots of women don't work this way.
If the man knew what the reality of the situation was for
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themselves emotionally (that he wasn't really available and ready to commit) and the reality for the woman (that she expects something more than just a fling to get involved with her), then he would have known that it wasn't right for him to become involved with her in the first place.
When was the last time you heard a guy who's physically attracted to you say, "I really want to be with you, but I don't know how I feel about this and I don't know if I'm ready"?
Yeah right! It's almost laughable, but kind of sad, that tons of men out there aren't more in touch with any of their feelings for women besides the physical attraction.
If you want to make the right start, enticing a man through physical attraction is the wrong way to try and set a foundation for the future with a man.
Physical and Intellectual Attraction Men can be drawn in solely by the physical appearance of a woman. But as I've mentioned, men don't settle down with women for these reasons. A man will settle down with a woman because of her personality, how she makes him feel, and how she interacts on a personal and social level.
What I'm getting at is that there are two types of attraction that need to be around for things to get really serious with a man: "Physical Attraction" and "Intellectual Attraction." Having spent years observing, studying and thinking about this, I've come to the conclusion that it answers both questions: "What attracts men?" and "What interests them in a longer term relationship?"
"Physical Attraction" is the most obvious because it's about external stuff. Physical attraction is what happens when women say "that guy is really hot", or when a man starts flirting with you out of nowhere at a bar. This attraction usually comes from body language, looks, and style.
On the other hand, "Intellectual Attraction" has little to do with looks or the appearance of things. It most often comes about as a result of a man seeing and identifying for himself
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something special and unique in a woman's personality. This attraction usually comes from indications of high status (which includes voice, posture, attitude, and the way other people position themselves around you). It also includes things like a sense of humor, confidence, and unpredictability.
And here's a crucial point: a man can't experience Intellectual Attraction for a woman if he sees her as someone who's not his equal. And if a man perceives a woman as being higher status, then the attraction can be even more intensified.
When a man experiences this kind of attraction for a woman, he separates her from all the other women in his mind, and she becomes someone unique and special that instantly has his respect and admiration. And these are thoughts that don't usually take hold for men because of any physical attraction.
BOTH these types of attraction are NECESSARY
ingredients to any successful dating situation and ongoing relationship. Other things can come and go, but if both these types of attraction stay strong then the other things going on have 100 times more probability of working out.
How Selfish Behavior Creates Attraction So what is it about "selfish" woman that creates this powerful, intellectual attraction inside of men?
Let me answer first by telling you what IT'S NOT: It's NOT the lack of generosity. I don't believe that women who are selfish in the way that I'm talking about lack generosity with their emotions, their possessions, etc. Men aren't attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the
"bitch personality" (not healthy men usually anyway).
I think that "selfish" women JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that that they literally make men BLIND to the negatives. So men will rationalize and excuse the negative behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.
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Here's a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION:
• Unpredictability
• Uncontrollability
• Challenging
• Casual Interplay of Dominance/Submission Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started. The qualities I've listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural "attraction mechanism" inside of men.
"Bitchy" women have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little "too far." But because they're still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.
So what does this mean to you?
"Selfish" behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes men feel attracted to you and wins them over to your way of thinking. Weird, huh? Sarcasm, playing hard to get, challenging their behavior and beliefs and all kinds of other "illogical" things like letting a man know that you'll only date him seriously if he's open to considering marriage as an option in the future really does work when it comes to attracting and keeping good men around.
Check out the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by John T. Molloy for more on men and marriage.
It's all there in the cold hard statistics of the women who married and those that didn't.
Personality Traits That Attract Men In the next section, I'm going to describe the particular personalities that naturally attract men. But before I do, I'd like to talk about some of these different behaviors and personality traits associated with Intellectual Attraction. Some are better when used in combination with others, and some don't work well together. Here's a list with brief descriptions.
I'll talk about how to combine these later.
• Sense of humor. Being funny and witty is just plain
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powerful with men. If you keep him laughing, things will naturally keep escalating.
• Intelligence and creativity. Intelligence is sexy if it's used in an interesting way. Use your intelligence and creativity to surprise him with concepts, fantasies, and unexpected things that are charming and fun.
• Thoughtful. Men don't like to be over-appreciated or be kissed up to. But if you can let a man know that you were thinking about him in a way that doesn't say
"I'm lonely and I need you", then he'll love it. Send him a short witty email that lets him know that he's on your mind.
• Perceptive or noticing details. Men love to be noticed. If he's really good at something (i.e. sports), or smart in some particular area, he will probably use these things to be important and attractive. Men are impressed by women who notice things about them that make them unique.
• Adventurous. Men bond with other people when there is some kind of adventure with them. So men are instantly drawn to women who suggest and take part in extreme, adventurous, unusual, or even dangerous things. The excitement of the activity transfers over to his perspective of your being an exciting and sexy woman.
• Confident/Playful. Men are magnetically attracted to women who are just a little bit too playful or cocky.
Just a little. Some women can be bitchy and distant, but that kind of cold attitude isn't what I'm talking about. If you watch Renee Russo in the Thomas Crown Affair or Kelly McGillis in Top Gun, you'll see what I'm talking about. Being assertive with a touch of arrogant humor will make you magical in a man's eyes.
• Talents & Knowledge. If you've got something that you're an expert in, it can be really attractive. Bring it
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up with a man in a way that says, "Hey, check this out, this is interesting..." and then do something that surprises him. Don't do it in a way that says, "I'm really smart and cool."
• Attention. Men like attention. It's strange how it works too. It's better to hint that you're giving them attention than to just give it. Say to a man, "I was thinking about the way you spoke earlier, and I just want to say how much I love the sound of your voice." Doing that is much more powerful than just sitting there, listening to him, and staring into his eyes, hoping that he feels the connection and understands that you like his voice.
• Being A Challenge. Men often pursue women, but lots of times when a woman likes a man, she'll start pursuing him, sometimes without even knowing that she's doing it. If you're relaxed and casual with a man who might like you or who you like, call him and tell him that you're bored and that he needs to entertain you. If done in a playful way, he'll often do his best to do something to get your attention. Let him know that he needs to do something spectacular or else you're disinterested. It can drive men crazy, but they really love it. Yeah, this can be bratty, but the right touch of brattiness (without the snobby high-maintenance stuff) is just what you're after.
• Aggressive (just a touch). Men love to see women who can go after something in their life and not be deterred and frustrated by it. And I'm not talking about going after a man. I'm talking about a goal or something in the woman's own personal life.
• Assertive. Men are used to being the leader. So if a woman is assertive and confident in any social situation, it is a sign to men that she knows how to make things happen. Seeing an assertive woman can be refreshing and intriguing for a man. Although men tend to take the lead, men also love women who can lead.
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• Teasing, Tension & Sexual Mastery. It's no secret that men love sex. But just like life, a good lover isn't easy to find. Men instantly become addicted to skillful lovers, especially if they can tease them and taunt them a little. If you make a man wait, build suspense and tension, and always make the tempo of things go a little slower than he wants, it will drive a man crazy.
• Unpredictable/Predictable. Men are drawn to women who they can't control or predict. They obsess over women who flirt, give them attention, and then don't feel the need to talk with them the next day.
Predictability is only attractive when it comes to choosing a wife. BUT... a man, as strange as it sounds, wants to see a woman as unpredictable in the beginning of a relationship. Predictability has a place when the relationship beings to evolve into something more serious, but even then there needs to be an element of unpredictability.
The "Natural" Way to Attract Men Let's get to some of the specific behaviors that help create and intensify attraction...
To get you started, here's a fascinating concept to think about: In most areas of life, those who experience failure receive a huge benefit from the lesson they learn from the failure.
Most of the successful women I know have made mistakes in their careers, with their money, with friends, etc. But they all share something in common---they've learned quickly from their mistakes and won't make the same mistake again. These women may encounter similar situations in the future, but they change how they react.
But the same doesn't seem to go for what happens for these women with men. The women who are the most successful with men aren't often the ones who've experienced serious difficulty. The women who have experienced more of the painful lessons with men, whether it was because of the man's issues or their own, aren't often the smarter and wiser
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for it. In fact, they're often the ones who keep making the same mistakes over and over again or are the ones who have the hardest time moving on from the past.
What I've learned is that the attitudes and behaviors that create attraction and success with men aren't the obvious things that you'll pick up simply with time, experience, and failure. What creates and builds attraction is often counterintuitive.
Of course it helps if a woman is good looking, but it's important to understand that this isn't the only thing to which men are attracted and why men often end up not wanting to settle down with them. It's not about their looks, at least with any normal guy who isn't seeking a "trophy girl" on his arm.
Men want to settle down with women who have their emotions and behavior "together" in a way that signals they would make a great companion and make them feel that "intellectual attraction" at a deep level.
Unfortunately, not everyone was born with the looks or the personality that will effortlessly attract a good mate. But the good news is that it's not about your looks... you can still learn how to trigger physical and intellectual attraction with men if you take the time.
So let me ask you...
Have you ever known a woman who never had any problems attracting and meeting men? Maybe she was gorgeous, or maybe she had a magnetic personality that worked for her.
Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't anything she studied, read about, or learned from anyone else that gave her some amazing abilities to attract, interact with, and understand men.
I call these women the "Naturals."
They're the women that have an easy time attracting men and keeping a guy's interest, even when they're dating men with the most "unavailable" track record. It's like they can take
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those unavailable men and whip them into shape.
If you know any women like this type, they're great examples to learn about attraction. "Naturals" have never really had to worry or think about interacting with men, finding good men, or attracting them. Everything has come easy to them. They haven't gone through the "trial and error" kind of learning that most of us have had to do..
And since what Naturals know about men has come to them without much pain, failure, or disappointment, they have avoided internalizing all the fears, worries, and issues that most other women have brought into their lives from their experiences with men.
The point is, Naturals are good at triggering the physical and intellectual attraction not because they have some gift that other women don't have. It's simply that Naturals don't let their fears and issues affect their behavior with men. The past doesn't stand in the way of their ability to create a fun, exciting, magnetic, and interesting environment with a man.
So let me give you the characteristics of "Naturals":
• They keep their earlier interactions with men short and fun.
• They're unpredictable.
• No matter what a man says or does, they don't get rattled or taken off balance.
• Instinctively, they seem to "get" what creates and amplifies attraction in men without having to be overtly sexual.
• When they first meet a man, they never let the conversation get too serious too soon. They also avoid talking about subjects like work, family, and religion in the beginning.
• They're flirtatious, and they offer challenging twists
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during conversation.
• They challenge men on their issues in casual and non-dramatic and non-threatening way.
• If a man is flirting with them they don't just accept compliments but put the ball back in play to create more tension, which keeps him intrigued.
• They know that having a good time together and being relaxed as things are starting out is more important than trying to make things happen too soon.
• Even if they are dating a man, they keep plans and interests outside the relationship they're in. They don't lose touch with their own life, friends, interests, etc.
• They never think too far ahead, and they understand that creating a better moment in the present is much better than trying to talk about or create something in the future of the relationship.
To sum it up, "Naturals" intuitively know that fear, insecurity, and neediness are the enemies of attraction. They know their behavior and attitude with every man has little or no trace of these fears and insecurities.
If you've got a single girlfriend who's a Natural, the best thing you can do is go out and spend time with her in a place where there are lots of men. Call her up and tell her you want to go out and grab a drink. Then go to a cool, fun place where there are the kinds of guys you might like. Then just watch what happens. Your friend will simply find her way into fun and interesting conversations with men.
And here's where the learning starts. Watch how she carries herself with a casual and relaxed attitude. Take note of her posture, where she sits in the room, how she interacts with everyone from the bartender to the nice (but uninteresting) guy next to her. Watch how she challenges men who approach her. These are all clues to how and why she's a Natural at
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interacting with men and creating attraction once she finds a guy she's interested in.
Be Unique & Unpredictable
A big part of what attracts men and keeps them thinking about a woman is how you can mix the serious with the fun and do it in an UNPREDICTABLE way. Being unpredictable in a fun way with a man is pure magic. But when it's coupled with something serious, it's a sure recipe for attraction and creating mystery that makes him want to stay.
For example, let's say you're in a bar or in a restaurant and you're talking with a man who sparks your interest. If you're like most women, then you'll ask him some common questions about himself, his career, his life, his family, etc...
Wrong! Boring!
This is way too predictable and only works in a few lucky situations or if you're some supermodel who can attract guys without even speaking. And yeah, while you could get to know a guy talking about this stuff, you'll see that he's got his eye on some woman across the room who's laughing, having a great time, and is obviously fun and exciting to be around.
Predictability is the enemy of interesting. If you always predictable, then by DEFINITION you're not interesting. So keep doing things that are interesting and unexpected.
Talking about this "regular" stuff, while it has some value in getting to know some details about a man's life and history, can be an attraction REPELLENT when you do too much of it.
Unless you're naturally the kind of woman who can keep a man attracted and interested without any real effort or just by your looks, then don't do it.
You'll be very tempted to talk about regular stuff because it feels so normal, but you're not looking to be seen as normal or average here. Go into things thinking that it would be good to keep the unpredictability up for several months and knowing that you'll naturally want to become less predictable. But keep it up. Some men will seem like they want less or more... I'd err
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on the side of more, especially if you want things to move into the later stages in which a man might start talking about commitment without you even initiating the conversation.
The other kind of predictability lots of women try is what I call "shy flirting." It's when a woman tries to passively flirt because she wants his attention. But the woman isn't assertive and confident because she wants to avoid any potential rejection or an uncomfortable situation, so she comes off as clumsy and insecure. The payoff from "shy flirting" isn't what you're looking for. Yeah, the guy might become mildly interested or entertained, but you're not going to push the deeper attraction buttons with this stuff.
Instead, take the conversation in your own direction. Be unpredictable---surprise him with the next topic of discussion.
Throw in slightly heavier questions that will test the man's psychological and intellectual abilities while playfully flirt with him.
Here's a great example.
I had a reader write a story about a date she had soon after reading a newsletter about first dates. Her date was quite a catch and they hit it off as soon as he started to flirt with her. But instead of basking in all his flirtatious attention, she asked him in an equally flirty way a question.
"What kind of woman do you respect?"
The question was her way of communicating that his answer was important because she was curious about how he responded. Her question was a fun and subtle kind of tension building RESISTANCE.
Asking this kind of question to a man you're interested in is ingenious. It's like she's giving him a truth serum that he can't resist because the question is fun and inviting, but challenging at the same time. By asking such a loaded question in such a provocative but comfortable way, there's a high level of status being subtly asserted as you're "hitting the ball back across the net"---you're matching his flirting. And the attraction level instantly gets taken up a notch with the
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unpredictability of challenging questions that are both serious and flirtatious.
What's fascinating is that you're pushing his ATTRACTION
buttons at the same time that you're getting him to open up.
You're mixing the attraction building and flirting with the more intellectual or personal stuff, making it all flow together in a way that the guy can't resist.
Talk about a turn-on. Men have some common situations that they might secretly want to avoid talking about with women, like admitting whether or not they're looking to settle down or whether they're just out to "play." Or being honest about what kind of woman he wants to be with (or if he even has a clue), or talking about the reasons why he's broken up with women in the past and what HIS issues are.
The secret is to not avoid these issues, but turn them to your advantage. Men have a whole set of "triggers" wired around these things that are waiting for women to tap into, as long as they are approached the right way. And if a woman can get to these triggers, she'll have a whole different experience and a more direct kind of honesty with the guy that most women will never see.
So when you point these common situations out in a way that shows you get what's going on socially and that your senses and perceptive abilities are sharp, you immediately challenge a man, especially if you do it in a fun and "cool" way.
If you're challenging a man's thoughts and character in a playful way, you'll instantly become unique in his mind. You will have separated yourself from the 90% of other women out there who can't or won't challenge men. Most women show their interest by acting sweet, seductive, and laugh at anything a man says even if it's not funny. These women almost come off as being "cheesy", over the top, and insincere.
Triggering a Deeper Level of Attraction in Men Some women can't accept or don't like the idea of testing and challenging a man. For example, I have a close female friend who likes to tell me that men should be attracted to
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women simply because of the person that she is, and that doing too much to attract men, such as challenging men, is like playing games and is some form of MANIPULATION.
Ah... we've all thought and heard of how a lot of women don't want to "play games" and take part in manipulating behavior. I understand the mindset. It's the idea that if you're mature enough to want a serious relationship, then you don't need to do things that might not be what you'd naturally do.
If a relationship is "meant to be", it supposedly should come together without your having to do much at all and that doing anything to attract a man is manipulative. That's great if you're sure that you'll meet the perfect guy at the perfect time and that you'll easily fall in love and live happily ever after. But if you've been dating and have had various failed relationships, then you probably know that these ideals are more the exceptions than the rule.
And while I get what women mean about playing games, I'm always compelled to show them that they're often times manipulating men---such as cooking for a man even if you hate cooking, or wearing makeup and dressing sexy on a date.
Aren't doing these things a way to get what you want out of the situation?
And how about the potential manipulative behaviors that are common in men? Men often take a woman to a fancy restaurant and buy her flowers and gifts because he is trying to get a certain reaction from his gestures. Isn't this a form of manipulation that really only seems normal because it's so common?
I'm not at all against men doing these kinds of things for women, but I just think we all have certain behaviors and communications aimed at getting a reaction from the other person.
Now that we've got the idea of playing games out of the way, let's get on to what works with men.
In my opinion, most men have gone through a learning curve here in our western culture that has, on average, given
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them a sort of "predictable psychological makeup."
Now, there are differences between these men. Some are smart, some are not, some are tall, some are short, some are cerebral, some are physical, etc., etc, but there are things that most of them have in common. At some point in their lives, the men who attract lots of women began to be treated differently because they were attractive. In psychology, the concept is called "The Halo Effect." Simply stated, attractive people are assumed to be smarter, more honest, more trustworthy etc.
than other people. The fact that a woman will do whatever an attractive man tells her to do begins to blur his sense of reality and make the man believe that he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it.
Now, on a subconscious level, I've noticed that most attractive men realize that they are being ridiculous when they act as if they are God's gift to the world, take women for granted, etc., but it doesn't really matter because it still WORKS for them... Underneath it all, they are still men and they are looking for what other men are looking for...
So what are men looking for?
Well, for the record, there's no easy answer. And anyone who tells you that they have THE ANSWER is flat out lying to you or is just talking from their own subjective personal experience.
But here's my take on it: First and foremost, they want a woman who is in CONTROL (of the situation, herself, her emotions, her world, and especially the entire reality that they share). So it goes to show that women who are confident, comfortable, and in control are often irresistibly attractive to men.
The reason I say "Never try to convince a man... don't force a relationship with him..." or "Never let him think that you feel like you have to have him or else your life can't go on..." etc. is, ironically, to give him what he REALLY wants... a woman that's in control.
This might seem like "game playing", but men really do
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want a challenge. Think action movies and novel themes where the man victoriously struggles against all odds...
The women I see who are successful with men are enjoying themselves, talking about whatever comes up, making jokes, and generally behaving like a normal person while they engage in playful challenges with men. But like anything else, if they do too much testing and challenging, it's counterproductive... so it must be done at the right moments.
What's interesting is that the women who are great at teasing, testing, and challenging men do these seemingly controlling things with a bit of a dry humorous spin, which causes the guy to have an internal response like, "Wow, this girl is feisty, but I can't tell if she's serious or not... and I want to find out... but either way, she's funny and there's something going on here."
Most women screw up when a man begins acting distant or weird or when he doesn't seem interested in her...or if a man gets upset, a woman says, "I can't believe you're doing this" and mess it up. Or when a man acts aloof, the woman begins to doubt herself. You have to stay in control... if a man starts to act distant, instead of getting nervous say in a playful but confident way, "I guess you don't know what to do with a real woman once you've met her..."
Here's a bit more background on the why's and how's of testing and challenging to increase attraction.
When you're challenging a man early on in a dating situation, the best thing you can do is challenge him in the context of common dating issues that most men have. Ask him questions like, "Why can't lots of men figure out that they don't want a woman for a girlfriend before they get intimate or sleep with her?"
I know... it sounds like something dangerous that could backfire if you're too serious about it. But said in a playful and challenging way, it works magic and teaches you a year's worth of knowledge about a man, especially how he thinks and feels.
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What you're doing in testing and challenging a man with common dating issues is putting big issues out there in front of him that most women don't want to discuss with a man. This kind of discussion it has a lot of what I'll call "high drama potential." It isn't necessarily the negative kind of drama some people think about, but rather the good kind of drama that instantly raises a guy's heart rate and makes him sit up and pay ten times more attention to you than before.
Why? Because it's a question most women will never ask a man in a playful context that allows him to answer in a pressure-free way. The playfulness and challenge of the playful
"high drama potential" questions sets things up for an extremely memorable interaction that will leave a strong, attractive, and fun impression of you to a man.
Best of all, everything happens in a cool and casual way without sounding and feeling like you're trying to get a man to talk about "issues." You demonstrate that you're in control and can deal with issues that other women often lose their cool over while challenging him about his feelings and beliefs.
All these things make you more intriguing in the eyes of men, and it's deeper than physical attraction. Remember that you're looking to create the "intellectual attraction" that sets the foundation for something more serious. By triggering a man's interest and attraction on a cerebral level, you're increasing your odds of success of a long-term relationship in the future.
The "intellectual attraction" lasts a whole lot longer than the physical ones do and play a much more critical role if you're looking for a long-term relationship with a man. And at the same time, you're getting all the important information you need about a man BEFORE things get too far along.
What's interesting is that attraction is usually caused by just brief moments when a few words and expressions are exchanged. But the effects are usually bigger than most long serious conversations. In fact, when you're in doubt about where an interaction is headed and you want to keep the attraction level high, keep things fun and short. These impressions and short moments have a lot more importance
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than most women think they do.
Most people's perceptions of others as they are getting to know them are often made up of just a few key brief moments of more direct and intense interaction. And these moments are mixed with some subtle dynamics involving body language, tone of voice, and other silent behavioral "stuff" involving social status.
The fact is that most men haven't spent time around women who have the wit and perceptive abilities to ask challenging questions AND do it in a way that comes off to the guy as fun and pressure-free while still being assertive. To do this, a woman genuinely has to be "together" with her attitude, body language, etc. or else the message the guy will get will be very different.
The bottom line is that when it comes to finding a woman and settling down, men are NOT attracted or interested in needy, unconfident, and low status women. They're attracted to witty, unpredictable, confident, high status women who are comfortable wherever they are and who are able to talk about anything they want to talk about in an interesting way. The good news is that ANY woman can learn to have these qualities for herself, no matter who she is or what she looks like.
If you point out the common, obvious, and serious stuff that makes most women nervous and cringe, and doing it in a way that shows you are having fun with it and the outcome doesn't bother you, then all of a sudden you're not like all the rest. You're an exceptional woman in a man's mind. And by being direct and addressing some of the important things you want to know, you'll get to know a whole lot more about a man at the same time.
It's a challenge to a man when you ask questions like this because you're dangling bait for him. And what's even more powerful is that you're being serious AND flirtatious at the same time, making it very playful and fun to a guy.
On Testing and Challenging Men
I get a lot of emails from women who read my newsletters
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that say things like...
"I'm sure what you're saying is right, but my situation is different because my guy has specific issues. How do I deal with (issues here)?"
Or...
"I've seen what you're talking about in my guy, but I'm a great girlfriend and these are all his issues, so I'm doing everything right and he should simply like me for me..."
I'd like to address these ideas. Up until about 3 years ago, I would tell women to be patient and supportive when they encountered issues that were holding things back. I'd tell these women that men had to take time to work through issues and that women should be patient and supportive because these issues are reasonable.
In all honesty, I found out that after time this actually created more obstacles for women with the men they were with or interested in because of how men reacted and dealt with this attitude of acceptance and patience around their inability to move forward.
I'll explain...
Because I believed that being the "nice and supportive girlfriend" who helps a man deal with all his issues and waited for him to figure it out MUST be the way to success with men, it didn't make sense that doing anything besides supporting him would be the right thing to do and say to a man to keep him attracted and interested. In other words, I could see a situation where a woman was attracted to a mean, abusive guy and think that she must be either screwed up in the head, or that the guy must be REALLY NICE to her the rest of the time.
As you probably know, it's hard to convince a person to believe something when they've already established their own opinion about the issue. The person that you're trying to convince just uses whatever you say to convince themselves that they're actually right, and that you're wrong.
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Well, when I told these women that being nice and supportive wouldn't help the guy change, they did the exact same thing. No matter how much evidence I found to the contrary, they still somehow believed that being a "nice"
woman, taking care of a man, and generally letting him be in control of the relationship HAD to be the way to attract them and keep them around.
Well, after watching these women continue along the same path and getting the same results, I realized something that literally changed how I saw EVERYTHING.
I realized that women who playfully test and challenge men do in fact attract great men and the men tend to stay around longer. And even more amazing is that I found that the more a woman was focused and deliberate about communicating what she wanted with a man, as long as she didn't try to add too much pressure, it worked in her favor.
There's a deeper communication that takes place when you talk to a man in a challenging way, and it goes beyond attraction. By asking a man direct questions about his character, his personality, and his desires in a pressure-free, fun, and flirtatious way, you're subtly telling him that you're paying attention to him and being selective about what kind of man you'll spend your time with.
In other words, you're silently communicating that you don't spend time with any man or any person for that matter who doesn't live up to your standards and who isn't going where you're headed in your life. But then you've got to make sure you know where you're headed.
Neediness & Insecurity
Let me put it to you straight about men.
The #1 thing that drives men crazy and scares them off when you're dating is neediness and insecurity. And while most women don't see their behavior from this context, it's the most common turn-off men have when they're dating women.
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A woman acts needy and insecure when she feels unsure of herself or what she's doing. Everybody feels this way in life sometimes. Hey, I've been there. But when you let your insecurities take over and look to a man or a relationship to validate you and your feelings, it's like expecting money to make you happy. You might get some "cheap thrills" and temporarily change your short-term emotions and situation, but the long-term situation about YOU has not really changed.
Ok, so enough preaching.... Let's get back to attraction and how neediness and insecurity are the absolute attraction repellants.
Men have highly sensitive "radar" for clingy, needy, and insecure behavior. A woman's tone of voice, body language, or words can quickly tell a man about clingy or insecure feelings a woman is having. Worst of all, when a man picks up on this, it often has long term effects on the potential he sees for a relationship with a woman.
Once a guy sees needy behavior in a woman it usually starts to cloud the way he sees everything about her. That neediness stays in his mind as the context to most of the interactions he has with her and her behavior.
Worst of all, it does more to kill ATTRACTION for a man than almost anything else.
Here are some examples of neediness and insecurity:
• Hanging on a man or touching him too much, especially in public. If you are constantly taking the initiative to be in physical contact with a man, he'll eventually take it as clingy behavior. Instead, if you want to touch him, save it for short and infrequent moments that will surprise and enchant him.
• Talking or saying negative things about other women. When women call other women names like
'slut', 'bitch', or 'crazy', it doesn't impress a man. Lots of women often do this when they see a good looking and attractive woman, or with women they know their
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guy is attracted to. Guys aren't impressed by this.
They'll think you're just covering up your own insecurities and looking for validation and attention.
• Talking or saying all kinds of nasty things about your past boyfriends and past relationships.
Doing this reflects on you more negatively than you might think. It also makes a man think you're insecure and that you have "baggage." All this spells ISSUES from past relationships that he knows will be a pain for him to deal with.
• Acting overly emotional. If a man sees that you get rattled, upset, or frustrated too easily, he'll see you as insecure and think that you'll do this to him as well---
which will scare him away from you.
• Trying too hard for attention is a turn-off. When women try to act too sexy, too funny, too cool, or too smart, they end up looking stupid and men will think they're uncomfortable with who they are. Don't do it.
If you're any of these things, he'll notice you in a negative way. The best way to get noticed is to be subtle and suggestive.
• Creating drama. This is the absolute worst thing to do. Some women feel like they need to turn a simple point into something big and important. They go about this by arguing about it or turning the discussion into a conflict. Clearly it says to a man that you're insecure if you get off balance with the little things. You might be right, but it's damaging to your love life and the degree of comfort he has with you.
Men hate intense drama, and they instantly assume that's what a relationship with you would be filled with it.
Assuming the Part
What would you do if you were trying to catch a guy's eye?
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Would you flirt? How about dressing a bit more seductively? Could you walk right up and talk to him and tell him how you feel? Could you plan for the two of you to end up in a more private situation? Maybe you're the kind of woman who feels that a guy should approach a woman and make the first move.
It's interesting because what you would choose to do could have a huge impact on the relationship dynamics in the future if you end up with this man. And it also says a lot about who you are and what you pay attention to and want in a man.
For example, if you are the kind of woman who will only talk to men who approach you, you might also be the kind of woman who "wants to be wanted" by a man. And while wanting a man's attention isn't necessarily bad, it might cause you to behave in needy or controlling ways to get that attention, and doing so especially when you're in a relationship is not healthy or attractive behavior.
From what I see, women underestimate the importance of the little things: the small interactions, the body language
"cues", the tone of voice you use, or the smallest bit of attitude that you carry with you. But when you put all these little things together, they add up to your entire behavior.
So let me ask you...
How many times have you really sat down and thought about these little things you do or don't do?
Have you ever really listened to your own tone of voice and thought about what it says about you and your attitude to a man when he hears it? I've read in several different sources that up to 90% of communication is non-verbal. If that's true, what is that other unspoken 90% of YOU saying to a man when you talk to him?
If you're looking to attract men and haven't studied the way that humans communicate, it's only natural not to have had a whole lot of success. A few people get by in life by communicating and getting the things they want by using their
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natural abilities to communicate.
But these people are the exceptions. Most people aren't so lucky. If you want to create what you want in your life, then you need to work on how you communicate. You need to take time to study and learn.
And let's say that you did catch a man's eye and you two started dating. What if you realized that he wasn't interested in a relationship but you were?
It's a tough situation that lots of women run into because it's pretty common for some men to be ambivalent about commitment and settling down.
What would you say to him? How would you act? Would you approach him directly about what you wanted or try another approach?
Well, it's fascinating to think about these things by looking at the differences between men and women. And it also can show you all kinds of secrets about men and what attracts them and gets them interested in "something more" than just dating.
Every man is slightly different. There's no one magic system to which every man responds. If what you're doing doesn't work, don't throw out everything - just try it a little differently with another man.
The most successful women I know will tell you that they are only successful because they are able to accept 'no' and not take it personally. Again, unsuccessful women take
'rejection' as a personal assault on their inner child. Don't make this mistake.
So start right now. Take a moment and describe the type of man you'd like to attract and write down the qualities that you think will attract him. Then go to work cultivating these qualities.
The idea is to create your own winning combination and then find a place to use it that offers the best chances for
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success. You want to come across as interesting, unique, original, and desirable.
By the way, if you don't know what the men who you're interested in are attracted to, ASK! That's right, just walk up to them whenever you see one and say, "Can I ask you a question? I'm sure that you're probably in a relationship right now, but I'd like to ask you something. "What attracts you to a woman, and what do you look for in her?"
Besides it being a fascinating conversation starter, or a funny kind of "pick-up" line if you ask in a wry kind of way, you'll find that most of the men you pose this question to will be glad to tell you. As a matter of fact, you'll even find that some will help you in other ways if you ask. They'll introduce you to other men who might be willing to talk to you and help you choose a hairstyle or what they think would look good on you.
But most women are TERRIFIED of asking or they feel like a retard because they are asking a man for help. Do yourself a favor. If you are having trouble, get help. Men are amazingly generous and EASILY flattered.
How Men and Women Usually Meet
I've read several books on human courtship, as well as books about all different species courtship behaviors. Hundreds of studies have shown that humans and other species work just about the same, so let's take a look at them.
For instance, it's fascinating what happens with female grouses (birds). The male grouses gather together in a large group, called a "lek", and wait for females to come and select them as a mate. The females get to have all these males together side-by-side so they can compare them easily.
Here's the amazing part: the females prefer the mates with the most females around them. Not the ones with the best actual qualities (plumage, fitness, etc.) but the ones that other females prefer. Interesting...
Here are some of the ways that females meet males in
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nature:
• Choosing from large groups of males gathered together looking for a mate.
• Looking at the territory males have staked out and identifying how well a male could provide as a mate based on the available resources.
• Visiting places where males gather and display for females.
• Making sure to be highly visible to attract attention and then watching the displays of passing males.
The human equivalents of these are:
• Going to a singles party.
• Choosing a man based on his power or wealth.
• Going to the gym where you know there are lots of guys who are in shape.
• Wearing seductive clothing when you sit near the foot traffic at a popular coffee shop.
The point is that you're not doing anything new. If you want to meet men you have to:
1. Decide what kind of man you want.
2. Find out what's attractive to him.
3. Go where these men are likely to be, or setup a situation where they come to you.
4. Entice them to approach you. If you feel comfortable, it's absolutely OK to initiate the conversation with a man. Just don't be too predictable or ask him out right away. Instead, challenge him with intriguing questions and arouse
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his interest.
It's all the same game. Most women who have little success attracting men or relationships aren't willing to do what it takes to be successful.
About Dating
Most men enjoy dating. They date often and get all kinds of benefits and knowledge about women from dating. And given the chance, they'd date more if they could.
On the other hand, lots of women seem to date less than men and tend to look for "quality not quantity." Women often seem to think that it's somehow wrong or inappropriate to date very much.
But imagine this... what if you went out on lots of dates but didn't take any of them to any attached or physical level?
I'm asking because I think that this idea could free you up to go out on more dates... And imagine all the new things that you'd learn about men and dating!
Do you think you'd start to see some common signals, patterns, and warning signs?
Maybe you'd start to learn more about what kind of men you really don't like and what kind of men you do like.
But unfortunately, women don't often have these kinds of experiences with dating. Women can date and get to know more than one or two men, but they usually won't because they feel strange about it. And society tells women through stories, myths, and media that what's paramount in dating is to find one quality man and stick with him and make it work.
Women are subtly told that dating several men is somehow
"wrong", even if they're just getting to know the guys.
So let me say it clearly to make sure you're not confused---you can date a lot and not be a slut. I'd actually encourage it, as much as you might think that it will be annoying. But you DON'T have to feel attracted to, start to like, or hook up with any of the men you date. So get rid of
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any pressure on yourself about it.
And some women think that they won't really attract a guy and catch his interest if they don't fool around with him and work on the physical attraction stuff.
The opposite is actually true---you shouldn't fool around much at all with men when you're in the earlier stages of dating and shouldn't worry about physical attraction too much either. Just go out and learn more about men and what kind of guy fits best with you by dating.
And not being intimate will do some great things for you.
It will guarantee that you'll be more objective in your judgment AND that you'll feel comfortable to date other men and keep learning.
It might seem odd, but dating a few men casually will also trigger major ATTRACTION in the men around you. By not being intimate with the men you're dating and letting them subtly know you're open to dating other men and doing the choosing, you'll send a strong message that you have standards and a man must meet them before you will settle down with him. This creates a unique kind of respect mixed with desired if a man knows that he can't just have you.
If you're dating this way, don't be surprised if several men who didn't pay that much attention to you before become instantly intrigued by you.
And remember how I talked about men wanting to date forever?
Men who date a lot get a huge benefit that can turn them into experts when it comes time to choosing a woman to settle down with. They've done their homework through real-world experience by figuring out what qualities and temperaments that they fit well with and enjoy the most in a partner.
Wouldn't this work for you too?
You bet.
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But what if you're uncomfortable with dating several men or can't find dates to help you find out what kind of guy would be best for you?
In that case, you can do something similar and almost as useful without ever having to date---kind of like imaginary dating. Do it by taking the men you already know that are around you like your friends and family (don't get weird here on me!) and run their qualifications through your mind against your "ideal perfect man."
Pretend you're sitting in front of someone and analyze the man's qualities and how they would play out with you in a relationship.
What? You don't have a picture of your ideal man!?
Don't make that mistake. If you're dating and you don't have a clear idea of what you're looking for, then you're likely to pick any guy who moves, but it won't mean that he'll fit well with you in the long run. Trust me.
You need to create a psychological and physical picture in your mind of your ideal man. So sit down right now and make a mental list about your perfect guy. And don't worry about making it too realistic (at least for now) - it's just a guide for you for the future.
Answer the following about your perfect man:
• What's his personality like? Is he laid-back, intense, nurturing, motivating, gentle, or "manly", etc.?"
• What are the things he enjoys doing the most?
• What does he value? (intelligence, physical prowess, money, family, freedom...)
• How does he treat and interact with people around him? (family, friends, ex's...)
• Where is he at in his professional life?
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• What does he look like and how does he interact with you physically?
• What's his dating history?
• Where does he see himself in the future?
When you fill in the answers, you're getting in touch with your own honest expectations. Not recognizing and verbalizing your expectations can spell pain and frustration if you're looking to get involved with a man but don't address this stuff, at least in your own mind.
Get in touch with your expectations and don't sell yourself short - it's your future, your heart, and your love life.
Writing down these answers also does more than help you clarify your expectations. It also helps you to "anchor" your beliefs and desires in your mind. You'll start to see these as your requirements in a man, which can only raise the bar to better things. And as hard as it might be to believe, the more you think about these things, the more they become reality for you. Ah... the power of thought and intention.
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Chapter 9. From Casual to Committed --
Communication Secrets with Men & New Relationships
Start With the End in Mind
I've got to tell you an amazing story that could change the way your perspective about men and how you communicate with them---or with everyone in your life for that matter.
Several years ago a friend of mine saw me struggling with a relationship. He saw that my girlfriend at the time and I kept trying harder and harder to get through to each other about the issues we were having, but we couldn't see eye-to-eye on them. No matter how I tried to approach her about what was going on, she immediately responded with her side of the story. So we would instantly fall into arguments and disagreements. It was going nowhere.
My friend saw how distraught and tired I was from all this and took me out to lunch to talk. As we sat at the table on a busy urban street with tons of people walking by, she listened as I started explaining how I was right and my girlfriend was wrong, how she didn't get it, and how she was frustrating me.
My friend interrupted me and said that she might have an answer that would resolve the situation. But before she told me what it was, she first told me that I wouldn't understand or care what she said until I had moved past the issues I was dealing with. She said that I wouldn't even be able to see what she was talking about until I was in a more "neutral" state of mind. Then she simply told me:
"Communication is ONLY the response that you get."
What did that mean?
But she was right - I didn't really get it at first, so I kept what she said swirling around in my mind for a while.
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I asked myself,
"What response was I getting from my girlfriend?"
"What kind of response was my communication getting?"
The response my communication was getting wasn't good or at all what I wanted. But when I truly accepted this fact, things changed in my mind. I started to see that all the things I was doing wasn't getting me the response that I was looking for.
So I decided to try something completely different than what I would normally do to resolve these issues. I forgot about my side of things in the argument. I listened to her and thought about the positive outcome I wanted. I ignored the desire to say things that would give me short-term gratification.
Guess what happened?
The response from simply listening to my girlfriend instead of talking about me, me, me, and why I was right was the one I was looking for all along.
There are two powerful things I learned in that experience that has changed my behavior forever: ALWAYS focus on how things look from the OTHER
PERSON'S perspective.
NEVER make it so that your "story" or side of things becomes more important than listening to the person you're with.
Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. It might be difficult or even frustrating, but it works every time.
Speaking His Language
Ever had a man get upset at you for simply asking him a question about how he feels or what he thinks?
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Ever had a man barely respond to loving, caring, generous things you do for him? Or even responded negatively?
The way men talk, behave, and interpret doesn't make sense to most women. And it's pretty often that I hear women call men 'idiots' and say that men are stupid or gripe that men just don't "get it" when it comes to being with a woman.
What's strange is that guys totally get what's going on with each other.
For example, a man can watch an interaction between a man and a woman and know a whole lot about what the man is thinking and feeling from his behavior and what he says.
Men know instantly why the guy is responding the way he is and what it means.
Well, remember "guy talk"? It's that indirect communication that doesn't even have to involve words that men send out. But guys understand each other PERFECTLY
with "guy talk." Not because they understand something about communication that women don't. No, it's because they can identify with other men and relate to what they're going through.
Have you ever watched a fight a female friend had with her boyfriend or husband? I bet it took just a couple of seconds to understand exactly where your friend was coming from, the
"how" and the "why" of her feelings. And it probably took no time at all to see why the boyfriend was upsetting her and the mistakes he was making.
Wouldn't it be amazingly powerful if you could have the same level of insight and intuition with men?
You can, but you've got to spend some time learning "guy talk." Once you learn more about it, you'll become more comfortable with the common and predictable signals, reactions, and feelings the man is sending out.
Thinking in Time Frames
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Here's a common problem: A woman tries to impress a man by doing things to show that she's a good long-term relationship partner, but the man responds by acting distant.
In my experience and from studies I've read, men have a few general ways they can see a woman as a potential relationship partner in the beginning:
• Not interested
• Interested as a friend
• Interested as a lover
• Interested as a lover and perhaps something more long-term
And here's something fascinating....
Men have a big secret that if a woman knows it will make him ten times more likely to want a long-term relationship with her. But men don't want you to know about it. If a man sees a woman as a lover and maybe something more long-term, he'll be OK with waiting for things like sex.
Let me say that again...
Make a man wait for sex. Nearly every man I know, even the "players", have a common theme among all the women they've dated seriously. The woman made sure that things moved slowly and that sex did not come before deeper levels of attraction and intimacy were built. (In terms of time, this usually meant a minimum of one to several months before they were more physically intimate.) Making a man wait for physical intimacy or sex is a MUST
if you want the option for anything serious in the future.
When a man feels strongly about a woman for more than just a physical fling, then he'll be much more patient about sex and physical intimacy than if he's just interested in a woman for something physical. He'll gladly wait for a woman and enjoy the process of learning about the woman as he "courts" her if he sees potential for a longer term relationship.
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Here's the fascinating thing that goes on when a man must wait for a woman... By waiting, he isn't experiencing just the physical aspects of the relationship and focused on it like men often do. Instead, he's forced to evaluate his own feelings for the woman and his readiness for a serious relationship upfront before things move along. This is unlike how most situations come about for men where they want to put physical intimacy before ever evaluating the potential for more.
On the other hand, if a man sees a woman as just a physical thing he'll be likely to push for sex and become impatient. This impatience is a key signal for a woman. It's great for a man to want it, but it's not OK for him to become irritated or pressure a woman in any negative way. So if a man does this or pays little attention to a woman's needs and interests, it's because he's not seeing any potential for anything other than a physical encounter.
Unfortunately, some women feel such a strong connection to a man that they make the mistake of jumping into bed too soon with him even if they know it's wrong or too soon in the back of their mind. And once they've already slept with the man, they can't turn back and start to become attached and start treating the man like a long-term boyfriend and expect the same in return. But lots of men don't see a relationship starting just because of physical intimacy.
When to have physical intimacy with a man can be confusing so let me be clear here about something important.
There's no shortcut to getting a guy into a relationship. Trying to substitute sex and other physical intimacy in place of a strong bond and relationship never works. Eventually the
"power" of sex will wear off and unfortunately this is how it works with lots of men. If they have sex with a woman too early, they can quickly lose desire for her and have less interest in pursuing a long term relationship.
Most men are very good at sensing when a woman is trying to take "shortcuts" or if she's trying to rush into a relationship. When this happens, it triggers the "Hey, this woman wants a long-term relationship" thinking in the guys mind. This will make him see you as clingy and desperate. As soon as a guy sees this he'll begin to hold back or withdraw
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once the initial passion or intensity fades.
But if a woman does things to attract a man and trigger his interests for something more long term BEFORE sex and/or spending more time together or living together, then SHE can better choose where she wants the relationship to go.
When men wait for sex, they instantly become much more open to the woman's ideas about a future together if they don't already want more commitment and certainty themselves. By making a man wait, he will also do a much better job at paying attention to your needs and interests.
Go ask some men about this, and they'll tell you the same. Lots of men feel that if a woman is too into them, and if she's too easy a catch, then he'll see her as less desirable for a relationship---because men like a challenge. Yeah, I know---of course these aren't the mature men, but a large majority of men prefer the chase.
To be more direct: The longer a man waits and courts a woman before he gets to spend lots of time around her and share physical intimacy, the higher the odds are for him to want and desire a successful long-term relationship with her.
Don't be afraid to make a man wait to be physical with you. If he's serious and ready, then the longer you both wait, the better the odds are for your success in the future.
It's the BIG SECRET men never want women to know. I've asked hundreds of men about this directly and they all agree reluctantly: the more a man has to work for what he wants in a woman, the more he will value her. So the more time you can spend with a man dialing up his attraction for you and pushing his buttons for wanting a long term relationship before you get too deep into things, the better the odds are for your future together.
Setting "Relationship Standards"
I generally avoid "rules" with men, because men can be unique and vary from person to person. But here's one so listen up...
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You HAVE to let a man know FROM THE START that you don't want to casually date forever if that's your intention. But the trick for lots of women, even though they do this in their own way, is that you CANNOT do this through pressuring or through any kind of passive-aggressive or weak convincing types of behavior.
Pressure on people in big situations and choices in life causes more harm than good.
Ever had a salesman pressure you to buy? Exactly.
If you still want to read more about this topic, check out the book Spin Selling by Neil Rackham. It's a fascinating study into the idea of pressure and convincing around higher pressure or higher cost situations. Plus, if you check it out you can brush up on your business and sales skills (assuming you're into that kind of thing).
When a woman requires specific "minimums" from a man from the start, it has a profound effect on the way a man views the woman. He is WAY more likely to end up with her in the future.
Here's exactly how to do this...
Say, "I will only keep seeing you right now if this is going somewhere and you aren't seeing anyone else, because I'm not going to waste my time."
When you say this to a guy, there's an unconscious button that's pushed in his mind that basically tells him and instills the belief that "this is a respectable and desirable woman who has the ability and the strength to pick and choose what happens in her life and with men, so I better make good of the situation."
If all goes well and you start becoming closer and closer to a man after weeks or a couple of months to the point where you have strong feelings and you know you want a relationship with the man, then now's the time to say in a calm and casual voice, "I'm happy with you, and I want to keep dating... but the future's important to me so let's see how we feel about things
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over the next few weeks or months (set a time here you feel comfortable with), and we'll decide where this is going and to continue if there's something more serious that we're both interested in and want."
And "Kaboom." This is like the ultimate ground-shaker for a man. Yeah, it might be risky and sound a bit harsh, but if a man is at all serious about you, then the conversation that ensues from saying this will bring you closer together, or at the very least get him thinking and knowing that he must value you the way you value yourself.
Pushing His Secret Communication Button When you resist or react negatively in any conversation with a man about your love life together, it immediately becomes more difficult to progress with him and have him get closer. And if you're working at building a relationship and you make the mistake of assuming, arguing, begging, convincing, or trying to bully him into a commitment, then don't expect to have any real long-term success.
You might make progress in the short term where he gives in to what you want, but there will be bigger problems in the future when you think your relationship is ready to progress. He won't be there with you. And worse, he might resent you.
So how do you talk to a man about a relationship or approach "fixing" something that needs improving?
Well, I found something amazing that a few smart women know. Men have a secret button that you can push. When you push it, you'll find out what he really thinks and feels about ANYTHING you want to know about.
But there's a catch. You've got to make it happen by changing YOUR communication in order to push his communication button. (Sorry, but most big results you'll have in life will come this way because you decided to create them.
It's actually an amazing and empowering thing to realize.) No matter how close you think you are to him, odds are
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that you both aren't as honest and comfortable as you could be when you communicate. You both want to say the right things, you both have judgments about the other that cause you to frame your opinions a certain way, etc.
The truth is that you both need to share your true desires and intentions. If you're not working from the same song sheet, then you'll never be in tune. Poor communication is the single biggest reason why situations with men and women fail.
For most men, fears and inhibitions get in the way of being completely honest about where they are and what they're looking for in a woman. A common situation I see is men who want to remain single and date various women even though they enjoy the company of a certain woman. These men don't share their real desire to be single and to see other women because they fear confrontation or because they don't want to lose what they have going.
But men like this won't magically be ready or able to commit in the future unless they make some big changes in their lives, which sets themselves and the woman up for failure by being out of touch with their intentions.
It's up to you to get a man's fears out of the way so you can get to the bottom of things.
Getting past the manners and the personas that are masks for fear is the essence of "pushing the button." Let's look at a specific example of how you can do this. I've broken it down into several key steps:
Step 1: The Primer
Start a conversation with him on a fun, positive note.
Maybe tell him a story about something you both enjoyed in the past, or compliment him on something you know he prides himself on. But make sure you give him some sort of "ego stroke." I'm not saying that you should praise a guy if he doesn't deserve it, but if you're interested in a future with a guy, there's got to be something that you appreciate about him, right?
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Complimenting him and telling him that you're happy and content with how things are right now will make him more receptive and create an open and positive context for everything that follows.
This is the "starter" for the conversation that will build an entirely positive context, and it might seem like something you could skip but actually is the most important step. To do this, you might start by telling him about how much you enjoy spending time with him, and you can remind him of the great times you've had. The idea is ALL about setting the right mood so a guy becomes positive, comfortable, and open to conversation.
And I'm sure you know how guys get when you start talking about issues, problems, intense emotions, etc. Men become babies and shut down. Don't make that happen here -
it's too important. Even if you're having a tough time because he's done something to hurt you lately, you're interested in him for a reason so try to remember those things.
You can't drive this conversation with all the "negative"
things---it never works that way.
Not with men, not with anybody.
Step 2: Casual Introduction
This is the first step into "where things are going." But instead of springing "the talk" on him like most women do, keep talking about positives, the good things, or the things you want to continue that are WORKING. If you don't have too many of these things, think harder. You're interested in a future with this guy for some reason, right? But don't just compliment him. Make sure it's about BOTH of you and how you are together, not just about him.
Your goal here in this step is to get HIM to think and start communicating about the relationship and the good things ahead in the future. You're helping him build the bridge.
Important Word of Caution Here...
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If you can't come up with too much positive stuff that you've done recently or that you've both enjoyed, you might want to think about it and the timing of your "talk."
Is this the right time and the right place?
Maybe you already know something about the guy and
"where things are at", but you aren't acknowledging it to yourself. Remember that you're not here to try and "convince"
a man to want or feel something. That's a losing battle that will certainly fail and cause you heartbreak. Make sure you've thought things all the way through about what YOU want and if he'll really make you happy, or if you want to change him somehow with this talk.
Trying to change or convince in ANY form is NOT a part of this conversation.
If you find yourself doing either, step back, relax, and think smart and positive. Stay focused on the REALITY of the situation, not what you want it to be. Think about the positive nature of the ideal relationship you're looking for and speak from that place and feeling.
Then say, "You know, I've been thinking about something fascinating. Men and women come from such different places mentally and emotionally, but they can reconcile or negotiate these differences to make the relationship work. And these differences mean that we can complement each other."
This opens up the conversation in a non-confrontational way about the concept of relationships without him reading into it. You don't want him to feel any negative pressure or emotional intensity here so he remains open and receptive about the subject.
Step 3: Applying Positive Strokes Then tell him, "It's great because I bet you and I see things differently, but I love spending time with you and we have such a great time together."
Step 4: Non-Situational Honesty
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Tell him, "You know, I've known for a long time that I want a relationship that (explain your ideals about what would make a great relationship for you here)"
Of course it's up to you to talk about the ideal relationship you want, but there's a HUGE mistake you need to avoid in this step.
Do NOT start talking about how what you have now isn't what you want or that you NEED to have this ideal relationship with him right now. Avoid doing this because if you make this mistake it will change the ENTIRE nature and context of the conversation and odds are the guy will change his mood. It will close his desire to listen and share with you in half a second flat.
Step 5: Active Listening
Listen to the conversation without any resistance. When you do this, men instantly sense it and become more caring, more attentive, and more interested in what YOU want. Best of all for you, they will talk MUCH more honestly about where they are and what they want.
Getting him to be honest and truthful about what HE is looking for is one of the first things you need to do if you're interested in more than "dating." It's the key to identifying men and learning when and how to create a relationship that will last.
It blows men away when they first experience this kind of open and honest communication about the future and a relationship with a woman. Men almost can't believe it, and they instantly see you as someone unique, rare, and "cool."
It's the kind of communication they've secretly wished they could have with a woman but could never find.
Creating this open, pressure free kind of communication makes you VERY attractive to a man.
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Chapter 10: Keeping Him Attracted To You, Or "How to Have a Long Term
Relationship"
The Life of a Relationship
Once you've figured out how to attract more men, you're bound to find one who's particularly interesting to you.
One that you might actually, um, love.
One that you might want to keep around for a bit.
Hey, you might even meet someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Even though I've talked a lot in this book about meeting and attracting men, I don't feel that it would be complete without at least a few ideas on how to keep a man attracted to you for the long haul.
But first of all, here's my take on why relationships fail: When you first start dating someone you really like, the body releases a combination of chemicals that are quite literally intoxicating. These chemicals cause you to want to be with that person all the time, stay up all night talking to them, and have sex with them three times a day.
But twelve to eighteen months later, the chemicals change. The intoxicating chemicals are replaced by 'stability'
chemicals. The 'stay-up-all-night-can't-be-away-from-her-have-sex-three-times-a-day' feeling goes away and the 'let's-settle-down-and-have-two-kids-and-buy-a-minivan' chemicals take over. Deal with it. (If you want to understand this process better, read The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa Crenshaw.)
So now that you know this, how do you keep this whole thing from turning into an episode of "All in the Family?"
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Well, the short answer is, keep up the fun, interesting, and unpredictable behavior. Notice the details. Do thoughtful things.
Here's something that I've learned in life: If you want to have someone in your life just to listen to you, make you feel safe, listen to all your problems, and try to make you happy, then go see a therapist.
It's not gonna happen exactly the way you want in relationships... people are very complex. In fact, if you want to get a lot back in a relationship with a person, especially a man, you're probably going to have to give a lot. The payoff isn't always equal to what you put in -- so don't let it frustrate you.
Keep your head by keeping your life balanced.
Most people are selfish and say, "I'm not going to give more than I get." But instead of getting a lot, all they get is old and unhappy. I've found that it's much better to give a ton and not care about the fact that I didn't get as much as I gave than to give little or none and get back little or none. Women seem to get this about relationships much more intuitively than men do...
Relationships aren't like investing. If you want a lot, get used to giving more. But it's worth it in the end, because love, attention, humor, and fun aren't like money. If you give them out, you don't have less. You have MORE. Get it?
Now that you've read this book, you probably have that same feeling that I had when I first learned about all of this amazing material. You're probably excited.
Let me know how it goes... And stay in touch.
And if you're not already getting it, make sure and check out my free email newsletter. You can sign up for it free by going here:
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