
"There are things on heaven and earth,
Horatio, Man was not meant to know."
HAMLET
ONE of the few redeeming facets of instructors, Ithought, is that occasionally they can be fooled. It wastrue when my mother taught me to read, it was truewhen my father tried to teach me to be a farmer, and it'strue now when I'm learning magik.
"You haven't been practicing!" Garkin's harsh admonishment interrupted my musings.
"I have too!" I protested. "It's just a difficult exercise."
As if in response, the feather I was levitating began totremble and wobble in midair.
"You aren't concentrating!" he accused.
"It's the wind," I argued. I wanted to add "fromyour loud mouth," but didn't dare. Early in our lessonsGarkin had demonstrated his lack of appreciation forcheeky apprentices.
"The wind," he sneered, mimicking my voice. "Likethis, dolt!"
My mental contact with the object of my concentration was interrupted as the feather darted suddenlytoward the ceiling. It jarred to a halt as if it had becomeimbedded in something, though it was still a foot fromthe wooden beams, then slowly rotated to a horizontalplane. Just as slowly it rotated on its axis, then swappedends and began to glide around an invisible circle like aleaf caught in an eddy.
I risked a glance at Garkin. He was draped over hischair, feet dangling, his entire attention apparently devoted to devouring a leg of roast lizard-bird, a bird Ihad snared I might add. Concentration indeed!
He looked up suddenly and our eyes met. It was toolate to look away so I simply looked back at him.
"Hungry?" His grease-flecked salt and pepper beardwas suddenly framing a wolfish grin. "Then show mehow much you've been practicing."
It took me a heartbeat to realize what he meant; thenI looked up desperately. The feather was tumbling floor-ward, a bare shoulder-height from landing. Forcing thesudden tension from my body, I reached out with mymind . . . gently . . . form a pillow . . . don't knock itaway....
The feather halted a scant two hand-spans from thefloor.
I heard Garkin's low chuckle, but didn't allow it tobreak my concentration. I hadn't let the feather touchthe floor for three years, and it wasn't going to touchnow.
Slowly I raised it until it floated at eye level. Wrap-ping my mind around it, I rotated it on its axis, then enticed it to swap ends. As I led it through the exercise, itsmovement was not as smooth or sure as when Garkin sethis mind to the task, but it did move unerringly in itsassigned course.
Although I had not been practicing with the feather, Ihad been practicing. When Garkin was not about orpreoccupied with his own studies, I devoted most of mytime to levitating pieces of metalkeys, to be specific.Each type of levitation had its own inherent problems.Metal was hard to work with because it was an inertmaterial. The feather, having once been part of a livingthing, was more responsive . . . too responsive. To liftmetal took effort, to maneuver a feather requiredsubtlety. Of the two, I preferred to work with metal. Icould see a more direct application of that skill in mychosen profession.
"Good enough, lad. Now put it back in the book."
I smiled to myself. This part I had practiced, notbecause of its potential applications, but because it wasfun.
The book was lying open on the end of the workbench. I brought the feather down in a long lazy spiral,allowing it to pass lightly across the pages of the bookand up in a swooping arc, stopped it, and brought itback. As it approached the book the second time, I dis-engaged part of my mind to dart ahead to the book. Asthe feather crossed the pages, the book snapped shutlike the jaws of a hungry predator, trapping the missilewithin its grasp.
"Hmmmm ..." intoned Garkin, "a trifle showy, buteffective."
"Just a little something I worked up when I was practicing," I said casually, reaching out with my mind forthe other lizard-bird leg. Instead of floating gracefullyto my waiting hand, however, it remained on thewooden platter as if it had taken root.
"Not so fast, my little sneak-thief. So you've beenpracticing, eh?" He stroked his beard thoughtfully withthe half-gnawed bone in his hand.
"Certainly. Didn't it show?" It occurred to me thatGarkin is not as easy to fool as it sometimes seems.
"In that case, I'd like to see you light your candle. Itshould be easy if you have been practicing as much asyou claim."
"I have no objections to trying, but as you have saidyourself so many times, some lessons come easier thanothers."
Although I sounded confident, my spirits sank as thelarge candle came floating to the work table in responseto Garkin's summons. In four years of trying I was yetto be successful at this particular exercise. If Garkin wasgoing to keep me from food until I was successful, Icould go hungry for a long time.
"Say, uh, Garkin, it occurs to me I could probably
concentrate better on a full stomach."
"It occurs to me that you're stalling."
"Couldn't I...."
"Now, Skeeve."
There was no swaying him once he used my propername. That much I had learned over the years. Lad,Thief, Idiot, Turnip-Head, though derogatory, as longas he used one of these, his mind was still open. Once hereverted to using my proper name, it was hopeless. It isindeed a sorry state when the sound of your own name becomes a knell of doom.
Well, if there was no way around it, I'd just have togive it my best shot. For this there could be no half-effort or feigned concentration. I would have to useevery ounce of my strength and skill to summon the power.
I studied the candle with a detached mind, momentarily blanking the effort ahead from my consciousness.The room, the cluttered workbench, Garkin, even myown hunger faded from view as I focused on the candle,though I had long since memorized its every feature.
It was stout, nearly six inches across to stabilize itsten-inch height. I had carved numerous mystic symbolsinto its surface, copied painstakingly from Garkin'sbooks at his direction, though many of them were par-tially obliterated by hardened rivulets of wax. The can-dle had burned many long hours to light my studies, butit had always been lit from a taper from the cooking fireand not from my efforts.
Negative thought. Stop it.
I will light the candle this time. I will light it becaus,.
there is no reason I should not.
Consciously deepening my breathing, I began to
gather the power. My world narrowed further until allI was aware of was the curled, blackened wick of the
candle.
I am Skeeve. My father has a farmer's bond with the
earth. My mother was an educated woman. My teacher
is a master magician. I am Skeeve. I will light this can-dle.
I could feel myself beginning to grow warm as theenergies began to build within me. I focused the heat onthe wick.
Like my father, I tap the strength of the earth. Theknowledge my mother gave me is like a lens, enablingme to focus what I have gained. The wisdom of myteacher directs my efforts to those points of the universemost likely to yield to my will. I am Skeeve.
The candle remained unlit. There was sweat on myforehead now, and I was beginning to tremble with theeffort. No that was wrong, I should not tense. Relax.Don't try to force it. Tenseness hinders the flow. Letthe energies pass freely, serve as a passive conductor. Iforced myself to relax, consciously letting the musclesin my face and shoulders go slack as I redoubled my efforts.
The flow was noticeably more intense now. I couldalmost see the energy streaming from me to my target. Istretched out a finger which focused the energies evenmore. The candle remained unlit.
I couldn't do it. Negative thought. Stop it. I amSkeeve. I will light the candle. My father. . . . No. Negative thought. Do not rely on others for your strength. Iwill light the candle because I am Skeeve.
I was rewarded by a sudden surge of energy at thethought. I pursued it, growing heady with power. I amSkeeve. I am stronger than any of them. I escaped myfather's attempts to chain me to a plow as he had mybrother. My mother died from her idealism, but I usedher teachings to survive. My teacher is a gullible foolwho took a thief for an apprentice. I have beaten themall. I am Skeeve. I will light the candle.
I was floating now. I realized how my abilitiesdwarfed those around me. Whether the candle lit or notwas inconsequential. I am Skeeve. I am powerful.
Almost contemptuously I reached out with my mindand touched the wick. A small bright ember appeared asif in answer to my will.
Startled, I sat up and blinked at the candle. As I did.the ember disappeared, leaving a small white plume ofsmoke to mark its departure. I realized too late I hadbroken concentration.
"Excellent, Lad!"
Garkin was suddenly beside me pounding my shoulder enthusiastically. How long he had been there Ineither knew nor cared.
"It went out," I said plaintively.
"Never you mind that. You lit it. You have the confidence now. Next time it will be easy. By the stars, we'llmake a magician of you yet. Here, you must be hun-gry."
I barely got my hand up in time to intercept the remaining lizard-bird leg before it smacked into my face.It was cold.
"I don't mind admitting I was beginning to despair,lad. What made that lesson so hard? Has it occurred toyou you could use that spell to give you extra light whenyou're picking a lock or even to start a fire to serve as adiversion?"
"I thought about it, but extra light could draw un-wanted attention. As for starting a diversion, I'd beafraid of hurting someone. I don't want to hurt anyone,just...."
I stopped, realizing what I was saying, too late. Aheavy cuff from Garkin sent me sprawling off my stool.
"I thought so! You're still planning to be a thief. Youwant to use my magiks to steal!"
He was towering in his rage, but for once I stood myground.
"What of it?" I snarled. "It beats starving. What'sso good about being'a magician, anyway? I mean, yourlife-style here gives me so much to look forward to."
I gestured at the cluttered room that was the entiretyof the hut.
"Listen to the wolfling complain," Garkin sneered."It was good enough for you when the winter drove youout of the woods to steal. 'It beats sleeping under abush,' you said."
"And it still does. That's why I'm still here. But I'mnot going to spend the rest of my life here. Hiding in alittle hut in the woods is not my idea of a future to lookforward to. You were living on roots and berries until Icame along and started trapping meat for the fire.Maybe that's your idea of a wonderful life, Garkin, butit's not mine!"
We glared at each other for several long moments.Now that my anger was vented, I was more than a littleafraid. While I had not had extensive experience in thefield, I suspected that sneering at magicians was not thebest way to ensure a long and healthy future.
Surprisingly enough, it was Garkin who gave groundfirst. He suddenly dropped his gaze and bowed his head,giving me a rare view of the unkempt mass of hair atopit.
"Perhaps you're right, Skeeve," his voice was
strangely soft. "Perhaps I have been showing you all thework of magik, but not the rewards. I constantly forgethow suppressed magik is in these lands."
He raised his eyes to meet mine again, and I shiveredat the impact. They were not angry, but deep withinthem burned a glow I had never seen before.
"Know you now, Skeeve, that all lands are not likethis one, nor was I always as you see me now. In landswhere magik is recognized instead of feared as it is here,it is respected and commissioned by those in power.There a skillful magician who keeps his wits about himcan reap a hundred times the wealth you aspire to as athief, and such power that...."
He broke off suddenly and shook his head as if toclear it. When he opened his eyes again, the glow I hadseen burning earlier had died to an ember.
"But you aren't to be impressed by words, are you,lad? Come, I'll show you a little demonstration of someof the power you may one day wieldif you practiceyour lessons, that is."
The joviality in his voice was forced. I nodded myagreement in answer to that burning gaze. Truth to tell,I needed no demonstration. His soft, brief oration hadawed me far more than any angry tirade or demonstration, but I did not wish to contradict him at this time.
I don't believe he actually noticed my response. Hewas already striding into the large pentagram permanently inscribed in the floor of the hut. As he walked, hegestured absentmindedly and the charred copper brazierscuttled forth from its place in the corner to meet him at the center of the pentagram.
I had time to reflect that perhaps it was that brazierthat had first drawn me to Garkin. I remembered thefirst time I peered through the window of his hut seeking to identify and place objects of value for a latertheft. I had seen Garkin as I have seen him so oftensince, pacing restlessly up and down the room, his noseburied in a book. It was a surprising enough sight as itwas, for reading is not a common pastime in this area,but what captured my attention was the brazier. It hob-bled about the room, following Garkin like an impatientpuppy that was a little too polite to jump up on itsmaster to get his attention. Then Garkin had looked upfrom his book, stared thoughtfully at his workbench; then, with a nod of decision, gestured. A small pot ofunidentified content rose from the clutter and floated tohis waiting hand. He caught it, referred to his bookagain, and poured out a dollop without looking up.Quick as a cat, the brazier scrambled under his handand caught the dollop before it reached the floor. Thathad been my introduction to magik.
Something wrenched my attention back to the present. What was it? I checked Garkin's progress. No, hewas still at work, half hidden by a floating cloud of vialsand jars, mumbling as he occasionally plucked one fromthe air and added a bit of its contents to the brazier.Whatever he was working on, it promised to be spectacular.
Then I heard it again, a muffled step outside the hut.
But that was impossible! Garkin always set the ... Ibegan to search my memory. I could not recall Garkinsetting the protective wards before he started to work.Ridiculous. Caution was the first and most important thing Garkin hammered into me, and part of cautionwas always setting wards before you started working.He couldn't have forgotten . . . but he had been ratherintense and distracted.
I was still trying to decide if I should attempt to interrupt Garkin's work when he suddenly stepped backfrom the brazier. He fixed me with his gaze, and mywarning died in my throat. This was not the time to im-pose reality on the situation. The glow was back in hiseyes, stronger than before.
"Even demonstrations should give a lesson," he intoned. "Control, Skeeve. Control is the mainstay ofmagik. Power without control is a disaster. That is whyyou practice with a feather though you are able to movemuch larger and heavier objects. Control. Even yourmeager powers would be dangerous unless controlled,and I will not teach you more until you have learnedthat control."
He carefully stepped out of the pentagram.
"To demonstrate the value of control, I will nowsummon forth a demon, a being from another world.He is powerful, cruel, and vicious, and would kill usboth if given the chance. Yet despite this, we need notfear him because he will be controlled. He will be unableto harm us or anything else in this world as long as he iscontained within that pentagram. Now watch, Skeeve.Watch and learn."
So saying, he turned once more to the brazier. Hespread his hands, and as he did, the five candles at thepoints of the pentagram sprang to life and the lines ofthe pentagram began to glow with an eerie blue light.Silence reigned for several minutes, then he began tochant in a low mumble. A thread of smoke appearedfrom the brazier, but instead of rising to the ceiling, itpoured onto the floor and began to form a small cloudthat seethed and pulsed. Garkin's chanting was loudernow, and the cloud grew and darkened. The brazier wasalmost obscured from view, but there ... in the depthsof the cloud ... something was taking shape....
"Isstvan sends his greetings, Garkin!"
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the words. Theycame from inside the hut, but not inside the pentagram!I whirled toward their source. A figure was standing justinside the door, blinding in a glowing gold cloak. For amad moment I thought it was the demon answeringGarkin's summons. Then I saw the crossbow. It was aman, alright, but the crossbow, cocked and loaded inhis hand, did little for my peace of mind.
Garkin did not even turn to look.
"Not now, you fool!" he snarled.
"It has been a long hunt, Garkin," the man continued as if he hadn't heard. "You've hidden yourself well,but did you really hope to escape...."
"You dare!?!" Garkin spun from his work, towering
in his rage.
The man saw Garkin's face now, saw the eyes, and his
face contorted in a grotesque mask of fear. Reflexively,he loosed the bolt from his crossbow, but too late. I didnot see what Garkin did, things were happening toofast, but the man suddenly disappeared in a sheet offlame. He shrieked in agony and fell to the floor. Theflame disappeared as suddenly as it had come, leavingonly the smoldering corpse as evidence it had existed at all.
I remained rooted to the spot for several moments
before I could move or even speak.
"Garkin," I said at last, "I... Garkin!"
Garkin's form was a crumpled lump on the floor. Iwas at his side in one bound, but I was far too late. Thecrossbow bolt protruded with silent finality from hischest. Garkin had given me my last lesson.
As I stooped to touch his body, I noticed somethingthat froze my blood in its veins. Half-hidden by hisform was the extinguished candle from the north pointof the pentagram. The lines were no longer glowingblue. The protective spell was gone.
With agonizing effort, I raised my head and foundmyself gazing into a pair of yellow eyes, flecked withgold, that were not of this world.
Things are not always as they seem."
MANDRAKE
ONCE, in the woods, I found myself face to face with asnake-cat. On another occasion, I encountered a spider-bear. Now, faced with a demon, I decided to pattern mybehavior after that which had saved me in the aforemen-tioned situations. I froze. At least, in hindsight, I like tothink it was a deliberate, calculated act.
The demon curled its lips back, revealing a doublerow of needle-sharp teeth.
I considered changing my chosen course of action; Iconsidered fainting.
The demon ran a purple tongue over his lips andbegan to slowly extend a taloned hand toward me. Thatdid it! I went backward, not in a catlike graceful bound,but scrabbling on all fours. It's surprising how fast youcan move that way when properly inspired. I managedto build up a substantial head of steam before I crashedhead-first into the wall.
"Gaahh. ..." I said. It may not seem like much, butat the time it was the calmest expression of pain andterror I could think of.
At my outburst, the demon seemed to choke. Severalragged shouts erupted, then he began to laugh. It wasn'ta low menacing laugh, but the wholehearted enthusiastic laughter of someone who has just seen something hysterically funny.
I found it both disquieting and annoying. Annoyingbecause I had a growing suspicion I was the source ofhis amusement; disquieting because . . . well... he wasa demon and demons are....
"Cold, vicious, and bloodthirsty," the demon gaspedas if he had read my thoughts. "You really bought thewhole line, didn't you, kid?"
"I beg your pardon?" I said because I couldn't think
of anything else to say.
"Something wrong with your ears? I said 'cold,
vicious....' "
"I heard you. I meant what did you mean."
"What I meant was that you were scared stiff, by afew well chosen words from my esteemed colleague, I'llwager." He jerked a thumb at Garkin's body. "Sorryfor the dramatics. I felt a touch of comic relief wasnecessary to lighten an otherwise tragic moment."
"Comic relief?"
"Well, actually, I couldn't pass up the opportunity.You should have seen your face."
He chuckled to himself as he strode out of the pentagram and began leisurely inspecting the premises.
"So this is Garkin's new place, huh? What a dump.Who would have thought he'd come to this?"
To say I was perplexed would be an understatement. Iwasn't sure how a demon should act, but it wasn't likethis.
I could have bolted for the door, but I did not seem tobe in immediate danger. Either this strange being meantme no harm, or he was confident of his ability to stopme even if I tried to flee. For the sake of my nervoussystem, I decided to assume the former.
The demon continued to inspect the hut, while I inspected him. He was humanoid; that is, he had twoarms, two legs, and a head. He was short but powerfullybuilt, a bit broader across the shoulders than a man, andheavily muscled, but he wasn't human. I mean, youdon't see many hairless humans with dark green scalescovering their body and pointed ears lying flat againsttheir head.
I decided to risk a question.
"Ah, excuse me."
"Yeah, kid?"
"Um, you are a demon, aren't you?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess you could say I am."
"Well, if you don't mind my asking, why don't youact like a demon?"
The demon shot me a disgusted look, then turned hishead heavenward in a gesture of martyrdom.
"Everybody's a critic. Tell ya what, kid, would yoube happier if I tore your throat out with my teeth?"
"Well, no, but...."
"For that matter, who are you, anyway? Are you aninnocent bystander, or did you come with the assassin?"
"I'm with him," I hastened to reply, pointing a shakyfinger at Garkin's body. That bit about tearing mythroat out had me on edge again. "Or at least I was.Garkin. The one who summoned ... him!... I'm ... Iwas his student."
"No kiddin'? Garkin's apprentice?" He began advancing toward me, reaching out a hand, "Pleased ta... what's wrong?"
As he moved toward me, I had started backing awayfrom him. I tried to do it casually, but he had noticed.
"Well... it's ... you are a demon."
"Yeah. So?"
"Um ... well, demons are supposed to be...."
"Hey, relax, kid. I don't bite. Look, I'm an oldbuddy of Garkin's."
"I thought you said you were a demon?"
"That's right. I'm from another dimension. A dimension traveler, or demon for short. Get it?"
1'What's a dimension?"
The demon scowled.
"Are you sure you're Garkin's apprentice? I mean,he hasn't told you anything at all about dimensions?"
"No," I answered. "I mean, yes, I'm his apprentice,but he never said anything about the demon-suns."
"That's dimensions," he corrected. "Well, a dimension is another world, actually one of several worlds,existing simultaneously with this one, but on different planes. Follow me?"
"No," I admitted.
"Well, just accept that I'm from another world.Now, in that world, I'm a magician just like Garkin. Wehad an exchange program going where we could sum-mon each other across the barrier to impress our respective apprentices."
"I thought you said you were a demon," I said
suspiciously.
"I am'. Look, kid. In my world, you'd be a demon,
but at the current moment I'm in yours, so I'm a
demon."
"I thought you said you were a magician."
"I don't believe this!" The demon made his angry ap-peal to the heavens. "I'm standing here arguing withsome twerp of an apprentice.... Look, kid."
He fixed me with his gaze again.
"Let me try it this way. Are you going to shake myhand, or am I going to rip your heart out?"
Since he put it that way ... I mean, for a minutethere, when he lost his temper and started shouting, hesounded just like Garkin. It gave credibility to his claimof friendship with my ex-teacher. I took his extendedhand and shook it cautiously.
"I'm.... My name is Skeeve."
His grip was cold, but firm. So firm in fact that Ifound it impossible to reclaim my hand as rapidly as Iwould have liked.
"Pleased ta meetcha, kid. I'm Aahz."
"Oz?"
"No relation."
"No relation to what?" I asked, but he was examin-ing the room again.
"Well, there's certainly nothing here to arouse the
greedy side of his fellow beings. Early primitive, endur-ing, but not particularly sought after."
"We like it," I said, rather stiffly. Now that I wasover being scared, I didn't like the sneer in his voice.The hut wasn't much and I certainly wasn't overly fondof it, but I resented his criticism.
"Don't get your back up, kid." Aahz said easily."I'm looking for a motive, that's all."
"Motive?"
"A reason for someone to off old Garkin. I'm not bigon vengeance, but he was a drinking buddy of mine andit's got my curiosity up."
He broke off his inspection of the room to address medirectly.
"How about you, kid? Can you think of anything?Any milkmaids he's seduced or farmers he's cheated?You've got an interest in this too, you know. You mightbe the next target."
"But the guy who did it is dead." I gestured to thecharred lump by the door. "Doesn't that finish it?"
"Wake up, kid. Didn't you see the gold cloak? Thatwas a professional assassin. Somebody hired him, andthat somebody would hire another one."
A chill ran down my spine. I hadn't really thought ofthat. I began to search my memory for a clue.
"Well... he said Isstvan sent him."
"What's an Isstvan?"
"I don't . . . wait a minute. What do you mean, Imight be the next target?"
"Neat, huh?" Aahz was holding up the gold cloak."Lined, and completely reversible. Always wonderedhow come no one noticed them until they were ready topounce."
"Aahz...."
"Hmmm? Oh, didn't mean to scare you. It's just ifsomeone's declared open season on magicians in generalor Garkin specifically, you might have some. . .. Hello,what's this?"
"What's what?" I asked, trying to get a look at whathe had found.
"This," he said, holding his prize aloft. "It seemsI'm not the only demon about."
It was a head, apparently the assassin's. It was badlycharred, with bone showing in several places. My natural revulsion at the sight was compounded by severalobvious features. The chin and ears of the head were un-naturally pointed, and there were two short, blunt,horns protruding from the forehead.
"A devil!" I exclaimed in horror.
"A what? Oh, a Deveel. No, it's not from Deva, it'sfrom Imper. An Imp. Didn't Garkin teach you anything?"
"Come again?" I asked, but Aahz was busy scowling
at the head.
"The question is, who would be crass enough to hirean Imp for an assassin? The only one I can think of isIsstvan, but that's impossible."
"But that's who did it. Don't you remember? I told
you...."
"I thought you said 'Isstvan.' "
"I did! Wait a minute. What did you say?"
"I said Isstvan. Can't you tell the difference?"
"No," I admitted.
"Hmmm . . . must be too subtle for the human ear todetect. Oh, well. No matter. This changes everything. IfIsstvan is'up to his old tricks there's no time to lose.Hey! Wait a minute. What's this?"
"It's a crossbow," I observed.
"With heat-seeking armor-piercing quarrels? Is thatthe norm in this world?"
"Heat-seeking...."
"Never mind, kid. I didn't think so. Well, that tearsit. I'd better check this out quick."
He began to stride into the pentagram. I suddenlyrealized he was preparing to leave.
"Hey! Wait a minute! What's going on?"
"It would take too long to explain, kid. Maybe I'll seeyou again sometime."
"But you said I might be a target!"
"Yeah, well, that's the way it crumbles. Tell ya what.
Start running and maybe they won't find you until it'sover."
My head was awhirl. Things were happening far toofast for clear thought. I still didn't know what or whothe demon was or if I should trust him, but I did knowone thing. He was the nearest thing to an ally I had in asituation where I was clearly outclassed.
"Couldn't you help me?"
"No time. I've got to move."
"Couldn't I come with you?"
"You'd just get in the way, maybe even get me
killed."
"But without you. I'll be killed!"
I was getting desperate, but Aahz was unimpressed."Probably not. Tell ya what, kid. I've really got toget going, but just to show you I think you'll survive,I'll show you a little trick you might use sometime. Yousee all this crud Garkin used to bring me across the barrier? Well, it's not necessary. Watch close and I'll showyou how we do it when our apprentices aren't watching."
I wanted to shout, to make him stop and listen to me,but he had already started. He spread his arms at shoulder height, looked heavenward, took a deep breath,then clapped his hands.
Nothing happened.
"The only thing more reliable than magick is
one's friends!"
MACBETH
AAHZ scowled and repeated the gesture, a bit quickerthis time.
The scene remained unchanged.
I decided something was wrong.
"Is something wrong?" I asked politely.
"You'd better believe there's something wrong,"Aahz snarled. "It's not working."
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
"Yes, I'm sure I'm doing it right, just like I've beensure the last fifty times I did it!"
He was starting to sound annoyed.
"Can you...."
"Look, kid. If I knew what was wrong, I'd have fixedit already. Now, just shut up and let me think!"
He sank down to sit cross-legged in the center of thepentagram where he began sketching vague patterns inthe floor as he mumbled darkly to himself. I wasn't sureif he was trying some alternate incantation or was sim-ply thinking hard, but decided it would be unwise toask. Instead, I used the time to organize my scrambledthoughts.
I still wasn't sure if Aahz was a threat to me or if hewas my only possible salvation from a greater threat. Imean, by this time I was pretty sure he was kiddingabout ripping my heart out, but that's the sort of thingone wants to be very sure of. One thing I had learned forcertain, there was more to this magik stuff than floatingfeathers around.
"That's got to be it!"
Aahz was on his feet again, glaring at Garkin's body.
"That ill-begot son of a wombat!"
"What's a wombat?" I asked, then immediately
wished I hadn't. The mental image that sprang into mymind was so horrifying I was sure I didn't want details. Ineedn't have worried. Aahz was not about to take timeto answer me.
"Well, it's a pretty crummy joke. That's all I have tosay."
"Urn.... What are you talking about, Aahz?"
"I'm talking about Garkin! He did this to me. If Ithought it would go this far, I would have turned himinto a goat-fish when I had the chance."
"Aahz.... I still don't...."
I stopped. He had ceased his ranting and was lookingat me. I shrank back reflexively before I recognized thesnarl as his smile. I liked it better when he was raving.
"I'm sorry, Skeeve," he purred. "I guess I haven'tbeen very clear."
I was growing more uneasy by the minute. I wasn'tused to having people, much less demons, being nice tome.
"Um.... That's okay. I was just wondering...."
"You see, the situation is this. Garkin and I havebeen .. . playing little jokes on each other for some timenow. It started one time when we were drinking and hestiffed me with the bill. Well, the next time I summonedhim, I brought him in over a lake and he had to do hisdemon act armpit deep in water. He got even by ...well, I won't bore you with details, but we've gotten inthe habit of putting each other in awkward or embar-rassing situations. It's really very childish, but quite harmless. But this time. . . ." Aahz's eyes started tonarrow, "But this time the old frog-kisser's gone too...I mean, it seems to have gotten a little out of hand.Don't you agree?"
He bared his fangs at me again in a smile. I wantedvery badly to agree with him, but I didn't have the fog-giest idea what he was talking about.
"You still haven't told me what's wrong."
"What's wrong is that stinking slime-monger tookaway my powers!" he roared, forgetting his composure."I'm blocked! I can't do a flaming thing unless he removes his stupid prankish spell and he can't 'cause he'sdead! Now do you understand me, fly-bait?"
I made up my mind. Savior or not, I'd rather he wentback where he came from.
"Well, if there was anything I could do. . .."
"There is, Skeeve, my boy." Aahz was suddenly allpurrs and teeth again. "All you have to do is fire up theold cauldron or whatever and remove this spell. Thenwe can each go our separate ways and...."
"I can't do that."
"Okay, kid," his smile was a little more forced. "I'llstick around until you're on your feet. I mean, what arefriends for?"
"That's not it."
"What do you want? Blood?" Aahz was no longer
smiling. "If you're trying to hold me up, I'll...."
"You don't understand!" I interrupted desperately."I can't do it because I can't do it! I don't know how!"
That stopped him.
"Hmm. That could be a problem. Well, tell you
what. Instead of pulling the spell here, what say you justpop me back to my own dimension and I'll get someonethere to take it off."
"I can't do that either. Remember, I told you I'dnever even heard of...."
"Well. what can you do?!"
"I can levitate objects ... well, small objects."
"And...." he encouraged.
"And ... urn ... I can light a candle."
"Light a candle?"
"Well... almost."
Aahz sank heavily into a chair and hid his face in hishands for several minutes. I waited for him to think ofsomething.
"Kid, have you got anything in this dump to drink?"he asked finally.
"I'll get you some water."
"I said something to drink, not something to washin!"
"Oh. Yessir!"
I hastened to bring him a goblet of wine from thesmall keg Garkin kept, hoping he wouldn't notice thevessel wasn't particularly clean.
"What will this do? Will it help you put your powersback?"
"No. But it might make me feel a little better." Hetossed the wine down in one swallow, and studied thegoblet disdainfully. "Is this the biggest container you'vegot?"
I cast about the room desperately, but Aahz was wayahead of me.
He rose, strode into the pentagram, and picked up thebrazier. I knew from past experience it was deceptivelyheavy, but he carried it to the keg as if it were weight-less. Not bothering to empty out Garkin's concoction,he filled it to the brim and took a deep draught.
"Aah! That's better." He sighed.
I felt a little queasy.
"Well, kid," he said, sweeping me with an appraisingstare, "it looks like we're stuck with each other. The set-up isn't ideal, but it's what we've got. Time to bite thebullet and play the cards we're dealt. You do know whatcards are, don't you?"
"Of course," I said, slightly wounded.
"Good."
"What's a bullet?"
Aahz closed his eyes as if struggling against someinner turmoil.
"Kid," he said at last, "there's a good chance thispartnership is going to drive one of us crazy. I wouldguess it will be me unless you can knock off the dum-dum questions every other sentence."
"But I can't understand half of what you're saying."
"Hmm. Tell ya what. Try to save up the questionsand ask me all at one time once a day. Okay?"
"I'll try."
"Right. Now here's the situation as I see it. If Isstvanis hiring Imps for assassins...."
"What's an Imp?"
"Kid, will you give me a break?"
"I'm sorry, Aahz. Keep going."
"Right. Well... umm.... It's happening!" he madehis appeal to the heavens. "I can't remember what I wassaying!"
"Imps," I prompted.
"Oh! Right. Well, if he's hiring Imps and armingthem with non-spec weapons, it can only mean he's upto his old tricks. Now since I don't have my powers, Ican't get out of here to sound the alarm. That's whereyou come in, kid.... Kid?"
He was looking at me expectantly. I found I couldcontain my misery no longer.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I said in a small, pitiful voice Ihardly recognized as my own. "I don't understand asingle thing you've said."
I suddenly realized I was about to cry, and turnedaway hurriedly so he wouldn't see. I sat there, with tearstrickling down my cheeks, alternately fighting the urgeto wipe them away and wondering why I was concernedover whether or not a demon saw me crying. I don'tknow how long I stayed that way, but I was broughtback to reality by a gentle hand on my shoulder, a cold,gentle hand.
"Hey, kid. Don't beat on yourself," Aahz's voicewas surprisingly sympathetic. "It's not your fault ifGarkin was tight with his secrets. Nobody expects youto have learned something you were never taught, sothere's no reason you should expect it either."
"I just feel so stupid," I said, not turning. "I'm notused to feeling stupid."
"You aren't stupid, kid. That much I know. Garkinwouldn't have taken you for an apprentice if you werestupid. If anybody here's stupid, it's me. I got so carriedaway with the situation, I forgot myself and tried talking to an apprentice as if he were a full-blown magician.Now that's stupid."
I still couldn't bring myself to respond.
"Heck, kid." He gave my shoulder a gentle shake."Right now you can do more magik than I can."
"But you know more."
"But I can't use it. You know, kid, that gives me anidea. With old Garkin dead there, you're kind of cutoff. What say you sign on as my apprentice for a while.We'll take it from the top with me teaching you as if youwere a new student who didn't know a thing. We'll takeit step by step from the beginning. What da ya say?"
In spite of my gloom I felt my spirits lift. Like he said,I'm not stupid. I could recognize a golden opportunitywhen I saw one.
"Gee, that sounds great, Aahz."
"Then it's a deal?"
"It's a deal," I answered and stuck out my hand.
"What's that?" he snarled. "Isn't my word goodenough for you?"
"But you said...."
"That's right. You're my apprentice now, and I don'tgo around shaking apprentices' hands."
I withdrew my hand. It occurred to me this alliancemight not be all roses and song.
"Now as I was saying, here's what we've got to doabout the current situation...."
"But I haven't had any lessons yet!"
"That's right. Here's your first lesson. When a crisisshapes up, you don't waste energy wishing for information or skills you haven't got. You dig in and handle itas best you can with what you've got. Now shut upwhile I fill you in on the situation... apprentice."
I shut up and listened. He studied me for a moment,then gave a small satisfied nod, took another gulp fromthe brazier and began.
"Now, you have a vague idea about other dimensionsbecause I told you about them earlier. You also havefirsthand experience that magicians can open passagesin the barriers between those dimensions. Well, different magicians use that power in different ways. Someof them, like Garkin, only use it to impress the yokels; summon a demon, visions of other worlds, that kind ofschtick. But there are others whose motives are not sopure."
He paused to take another gulp of wine. Surprisingly,I felt no urge to interrupt with questions.
"Technology in different dimensions has progressedat different rates, as has magik. Some magicians use thisto their own advantage. They aren't showmen, they'resmugglers, buying and selling technology across the barriers for profit and power. Most of the inventors in anydimension are actually closet magicians."
I must have frowned without realizing it, but Aahznoted it and acknowledged it with a wink and a smirk.
"I know what you're thinking, Skeeve. It all sounds alittle dishonest and unscrupulous. Actually, they're afairly ethical bunch. There's a set of unwritten rulescalled the Smugglers Code they adhere to prettyclosely."
"Smugglers Code?" I asked, forgetting myself for amoment. Aahz didn't seem to mind this time.
"It's like the Mercenaries Code, but less violent andmore profitable. Anyway, as an example, one item inthat code states you cannot bring an 'invention' into adimension that is too far in advance of that dimension'stechnology, like bringing guided missiles into a longbowculture or lasers into a flint and powder era."
I kept my silence with great difficulty.
"As I've said, most magicians adhere to the codefairly closely, but once in a while a bad one crops up.That brings us to Isstvan."
I got a sudden chill at the sound of that name. Maybethere was something different in the way Aahz pro-nounced it.
"Some say Isstvan isn't playing with a full deck. Ithink he's been playing with his wand too much. Butwhatever the reason, somewhere he's gotten it into hishead he wants to rule the dimensions, all of them. He'stried it before, but we got wind of it in time and a bunchof us teamed up to teach him a lesson in manners. As amatter of fact, that's when I first met Garkin there."
He gestured with the brazier and slopped a bit of wineon the floor. I began to doubt his sobriety, but his voiceseemed steady enough as he continued.
"I thought he had given the thing up after his lastdrubbing. We even gave him a few souvenirs to be surehe didn't forget. Then this thing pops up. If he's hiringcross-dimension help and arming them with advancetechnology weapons, he's probably trying to do itagain."
"Do what?"
"I just told you. Take over the dimensions."
"I know, but how? I mean, how does what he does inthis dimension help him rule the others?"
"Oh, that. Well, each dimension has a certain amountof power that can be channeled or converted intomagik. Different dimensions have different amounts,and each dimension's power is divided up or shared bythe magicians of that dimension. If he can succeed incontrolling or killing the other magicians in this dimension, he can use its entire magical energy to attack another dimension. If he succeeds in winning there, he hasthe power from two dimensions to attack a third, and soon. As you can see, the longer he keeps his plot moving,the stronger he gets and the harder he'll be to stop."
"I understand now," I said, genuinely pleased andenthusiastic.
"Good. Then you understand why we've got to stophim."
I stopped being pleased and enthusiastic.
"We? You mean us? You and me?"
"I know it's not much of a force, kid, but like I said,it's all we've got."
"I think I'd like a little of that wine now."
"None of that, kid. You're in training now. You'regoing to need all the practice time you can get if we'regoing to stop Isstvan. Bonkers or not, he's no slouchwhen it comes to magik."
"Aahz," I said slowly, not looking up. "Tell me thetruth. Do you think there's a chance you can teach meenough magik that we'll have a chance of stoppinghim?"
"Of course, kid. I wouldn't even try if we didn't havea chance. Trust me."
I wasn't convinced, and from the sound of his voice,neither was he.
"Careful planning is the key to safe and
swift travel."
ULYSSES
"HMMM . . . Well, it's not a tailored jump-suit, but itwill have to do."
We had been trying to outfit Aahz in a set of clothesand he was surveying the results in a small dark mirrorwe had found, turning it this way and that to catch hisreflection piecemeal.
"Maybe if we could find some other color than thisterrible brown."
"That's all we've got."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I have two shirts, both brown. You'rewearing one, and I'm wearing the other."
"Hmmm. . . ." he said, studying me carefully.
"Maybe I would look better in the lighter brown. Oh,well, we can argue that out later."
I was curious as to his attention to his appearance. Imean, he couldn't be planning on meeting anyone. Thesight of a green, scaly demon would upset most of thelocals no matter what he was wearing. For the timebeing, however, I deemed it wisest to keep quiet andhumor him in his efforts.
Actually, the clothes fit him fairly well. The shirt wasa bit short in the sleeves due to the length of his arms,but not too because I was taller than him, which madeup for most of the difference. We had had to cut offsome of the trouser legs to cover for his shorter legs, butthey, like the body of the shirt, were not too tight. I hadmade the clothes myself originally, and they tended tobe a bit baggy, or at least they were on me. Tailoring isnot my forte.
He was also wearing Garkin's boots, which fitted himsurprisingly well. I had raised minor protest at this, untilhe pointed out Garkin had no further use for them butwe did. Pragmatism, he called it. Situational ethics. Hesaid it would come in handy if I was serious about becoming a magician.
"Hey, kid!" Aahz's voice interrupted my thoughts.He seemed to be occupied rummaging through the various chests and cupboards of the hut. "Don't you haveanything here in the way of weapons?''
"Weapons?"
"Yeah, you know, the things that killed old Garkin
there. Swords, knives, bows, stuff like that."
"I know what they are. I just wasn't expecting you tobe interested in them, that's all."
"Why not?"
"Well... I thought you said you were a magician."
"We aren't going to go through that again, are we,kid? Besides, what's that got to do with weapons?"
"It's just that I've never known a magician who usedweapons other than his powers."
"Really? How many magicians have you known?"
"One," I admitted.
"Terrific. Look, kid, if old Garkin didn't want to useweapons, that's his problem. Me, I want some. If you'llnotice, Garkin is dead."
It was hard to argue with logic like that.
"Besides," he continued, "do you really want to takeon Isstvan and his pack with nothing but your magikand my agility going for us?"
"I'll help you look."
We went to work rummaging for weapons, but asidefrom the crossbow that had killed Garkin, we didn'tfind much. One of the chests yielded a sword with ajewel'encrusted handle, and we discovered two knives,one white handled and one black handled, on Garkin'sworkbench. Aside from those, there was nothing evenremotely resembling a fighting utensil in the hut. Aahzwas not overjoyed.
"I don't believe this. A sword with a cruddy blade,bad balance, and phony jewels in the handle and twoknives that haven't been sharpened since they weremade. Anybody who keeps weapons like this should beskewered."
"He was."
"True enough. Well, if that's all we've got, that'swhat we'll have to use."
He slung the sword on his hip and tucked the whitehandled knife into his belt. I thought he would give methe other knife, but instead he stooped down and secured it in his boot.
"Don't I get one?"
"Can you use it?"
"Well...."
He resumed his task. I had a small knife I used to skinsmall game tucked in my own belt inside my shirt. Evento my inexperienced eye it was of better quality than thetwo Aahz had just appropriated. I decided not to bringit to his attention.
"Okay, kid. Where did the old man keep his money?"I showed him. One of the stones in the fireplace wasloose and there was a small leather pouch hidden behindit. He peered at the coins suspiciously as they pouredinto his palm.
"Check me on this, kid. Copper and silver aren'tworth much in this dimension, right?"
"Well, silver's sorta valuable, but it's not worth asmuch as gold."
"Then what's with this chicken-feed? Where's thereal money?"
"We never really had much."
"Come off it ... I haven't met a magician yet whodidn't have a bundle socked away. Just because he neverspent any of it doesn't mean he doesn't have it. Nowthink. Haven't you ever seen anything around that wasgold or had gems?"
"Well, there are a few items, but they're protected bycurses."
"Kid, think for a minute. If you were a doddering oldwreck who couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag,how would you protect your treasures?"
"I don't know."
"Terrific. I'll explain while we gather it up."
In short order we had a modest heap of loot on thetable, most of it items I had long held in awe. There wasa gold statue of a man with the head of a lion, the ThreePearls of Kraul, a gold pendant in the shape of the sunwith three of its rays missing, and a ring with a largejewel we took from Garkin's hand. Aahz held up thesun pendant.
"Now this is an example of what I mean. I supposethere's a story about what happened to the missing threerays?"
"Well," I began, "there was a lost tribe that wor-shipped a huge snake toad...."
"Skip it. It's an old dodge. What you do is take yourgold to a craftsman and have him fashion it into something with a lot of small out-juttings like fingers orarms or ..." He held up the pendant. "... rays of sun.It gives you the best of two worlds.
"First, you have something mystical and supernatural, add a ghost story and no one will dare to touch it.Second, it has the advantage that if you need a littleready cash, you just break off a ray or an arm and sell itfor the value of the gold. Instead of losing value, theprice of the remaining item increases because of its mystical history, the strange circumstances under which itwas torn asunder, purely fictional, of course."
Strangely enough, I was not surprised. I was beginning to wonder if anything Garkin had told me was true.
"Then none of these things have any real magicalpowers or curses?''
"Now, I didn't say that. Occasionally, you stumbleacross a real item, but they're usually few and far between."
"But how can you tell the real thing from a fake?"
"I take it that Garkin didn't teach you to see auras.Well, that figures. Probably was afraid you'd take histreasure and run. Okay, kid. Time for your first lesson.Have you ever daydreamed? You know, just stared atsomething and let your mind wander?"
I nodded.
"Okay, here's what I want you to do. Scoot down inyour chair until your head is almost level with the table.That's right. Comfortable? Fine. Now I want you tolook across the table at the wall. Don't focus on it, juststare at it and let your mind wander."
I did as he said. It was hard not focusing on a specificpoint, so I set my mind to wandering. What to thinkabout? Well, what was I thinking about when the candlealmost lit. Oh yes. I am Skeeve. I am powerful and mypower is growing daily. I smiled to myself. With thedemon's aid, I would soon become a knowledgeable sorcerer. And that would just be the start. After that....
"Hey!" I said, sitting upright.
"What did you see?"
"It was ... well, nothing, I guess."
"Don't give me a hard time, kid. What did you see?"
"Well, for a second there I thought I saw sort of a redglow around the ring, but when I looked at it squarely,it disappeared."
"The ring, eh? It figures. Well, that's it. The rest ofthe stuff should be okay."
He scraped the rest of the loot into a sack, leaving thering on the table.
"What was it?"
"What? Oh, what you saw? That was an aura. Mostpeople have them. Some places do, but it's a sure test tocheck if an item is truly magical. I'd be willing to betthat the ring is what old Garkin used to fry the assassin."
"Aren't we going to take it with us?"
"Do you know how to control it?"
"Well... .no."
"Neither do I. The last thing we need is to carryaround a ring that shoots fire. Particularly if we don'tknow how to activate it. Leave it. Maybe the others willfind it and turn it on themselves."
He tucked the sack into his waistband.
"What others?" I prompted.
"Hmmm? Oh, the other assassins."
"What other assassins?" I was trying to be calm, but
I was slipping.
"That's right. This is the first time you've tangledwith them, isn't it? I would have thought Garkin...."
"Aahz, could you just tell me?"
"Oh! Sure, kid. Assassins never work alone. That'swhy they never miss. They work in groups of two toeight. There's probably a back-up team around somewhere. Realizing Isstvan's respect for Garkin, I'd guesshe wouldn't send less than six out on an assignment likethis, maybe even two teams."
"You mean all this time you've been fooling aroundwith clothes and swords, there's been more assassins on
the way?"
"Relax, kid. That's the back-up team. They'll bewaiting a ways off and won't move until tomorrow atthe earliest. It's professional courtesy. They want togive this bozo room to maneuver. Besides, it's traditionthat the assassin who actually does the deed gets firstpick of any random booty lying around before theothers show up to take even shares. Everyone does it,but it's considered polite to not notice some of the loothas been pocketed before the official split."
"How do you know so much about assassins,
Aahz?"
"Went with one for a while . . . lovely lass, but shecouldn't keep her mouth shut, even in bed. Sometimes Iwonder if any profession really guards its secrets asclosely as they claim."
"What happened?"
"With what?"
"With your assassin?"
"None of your business, kid." Aahz was suddenlybrusque again. "We've got work to do."
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, first we bury the Imp. Maybe it will throw theothers off our trail. With any luck, they'll think hegrabbed all the loot and disappeared. It wouldn't be thefirst time."
"No, I mean after that. We're getting ready to travel,but where are we going?''
"Kid, sometimes you worry me. That isn't even
magik. It's common sense military action. First, we findIsstvan. Second, we appraise his strength. Third, wemake our plans, and fourth, we execute them, andhopefully him."
"Urn . . . Aahz, could we back up to one for aminute? Where are we going to find Isstvan?"
That stopped him.
"Don't you know where he is?"
"I never even heard his name before today."
We sat in silence staring at each other for a long time.
in the Martial Arts will ensure a long and
happy life."
-B.LEE
"I THINK I've got it figured out, kid."
As Aahz spoke, he paused in honing his sword to inspect the edge. Ever since our trek began he had seizedevery opportunity to work on his weapons. Even whenwe simply paused to rest by a stream he busied himselfworking their edges or adjusting their balance. I felt Ihad learned more about weapons in the last week justwatching him tinker than I had in my entire previouslife.
"Figured what out?"
"Why people in this world are trained in weapons ormagik, but not both!"
"How's that?"
"Well, two reasons I can see just offhand. First off,it's a matter of conditioning. Reflexes. You'll reactthe way you're trained. If you've been trained withweapons, you'll react to crisis with a weapon. If you'retrained in magik, you'll react with magik. The problemis, if you're trained both ways, you'll hesitate, trying tomake up your mind which to use, and probably get clobbered in the process. So to keep things simple, Garkinonly trained you in magik. It's probably all he had beentrained in himself."
I thought about it.
"That makes sense. What's the other reason?"
He grinned at me.
"Learning curve. If what you told me about life expectancy in this world is even vaguely accurate, and ifyou're any example of how fast people in this worldlearn, you only have time to learn one or the other."
"I think I prefer the first explanation."
He chortled to himself and went back to sharpeninghis sword.
Once his needling would have bothered me, but now Itook it in stride. It seemed to be his habit to be critical ofeverything in our world, and me in particular. After aweek of constant exposure to him, the only way I wouldworry is if he stopped complaining.
Actually I was quite pleased with my progress inmagik. Under Aahz's tutelage, my powers were growingdaily. One of the most valuable lessons I had learnedwas to draw strength directly from the earth. It wasa matter of envisioning energy as a tangible force, likewater, and drawing new energy up one leg and into mymind while releasing exhausted energy down the otherleg and back into the earth. Already, I could completelyrecharge myself even after a hard day's walking just bystanding motionless with my eyes closed for severalminutes and effecting this energy exchange. Aahz, asalways, was unimpressed. According to him, I shouldhave been able to do the energy exchange while we werewalking, but I didn't let his grumbling dampen my enthusiasm. I was learning, and at a faster pace than I haddreamed possible.
"Hey, kid. Fetch me a piece of wood, will you?"
I smiled to myself and looked around. About ten feetaway was a small branch of deadwood about two feetlong. I leisurely stretched out a finger and it took flight,floating gently across the clearing to hover in the air infront of Aahz.
"Not bad, kid," he acknowledged. Then his sword
flashed out, cutting the branch into two pieces whichdropped to the ground. He picked up one of the piecesand inspected the cut.
"Hmmm . . . there may be hope for this sword yet.Why did you let them fall?"
This last was directed at me.
"I don't know. I guess you startled me when youswung the sword."
"Oh, really?"
Suddenly he threw the stick at me. I yelped and triedto duck out of the way, but it bounced painfully off myshoulder.
"Hey! What was that for?"
"Call it an object lesson. You know you can controlthe stick because you just did it when you fetched it forme. So why did you duck out of the way? Why not juststop it with your magik?"
"I guess it never occurred to me. You didn't give memuch time to think."
"Okay, so think! This time you know it's coming."
He picked up the second piece of wood and waited,grinning evilly, which with pointed teeth is easy. I ignored him, letting my mind settle; then I nodded that Iwas ready.
The stick struck me squarely in the chest.
"Ow!! "I commented.
"And there, my young friend, is the difference between classroom and field. Classroom is fine to let youknow that things can be done and that you can do them,but in actual practice you will never be allowed the lux-ury of leisurely gathering your power, and seldom willyou have a stationary target."
"Say, uh, Aahz. If you're really trying to build up myself-confidence, how come you always cut my legs outfrom under me every time I start thinking I'm gettingsomeplace?"
He stood up, sheathing his sword.
"Self-confidence is a wonderful thing, kid, but not ifit isn't justified. Someday we'll be staking one or bothof our lives on your abilities, and it won't do us anygood if you've been kidding yourself along. Now let'sget down to work!"
"Um ... have we got the time?"
"Relax, kid. Imps are tenacious, but they travelslow."
Our strategy upon leaving the hut had been simple.Lacking a specific direction for our search, we wouldtrace the force lines of the world until we either foundIsstvan or located another magician who would be ableto steer us to him.
One might ask what force lines are. I did. Force lines,as Aahz explained them, are those paths of a worldalong which its energies flow most freely. In many ways,they are not unlike magnetic lines.
One might ask what magnetic lines are. I did. I willnot quote Aahz's answer to that, but it was not information.
Anyway, force lines are a magician's ally and enemy.Those who would tap the energies of those lines usuallyset up residence on or near one of those lines. Thismakes it easier for them to draw upon the energies. Italso makes it easier for their enemies to find them.
It was Aahz's theory that searching the force lines washow Garkin was located. It was therefore logical that weshould be able to find Isstvan the same way.
Of course, I knew nothing of force lines or how tofollow them, at least until Aahz taught me. It was not adifficult technique, which was fortunate as I had myhands full trying to absorb all the other lessons Aahzwas deluging me with.
One simply closes one's eyes and relaxes, trying to envision a two-pointed spear in glowing yellows and redssuspended in midair. The intensity of the glow indicatesthe nearness to a force line; the direction of the pointsshows the flow of energies. Rather like the needle of acompass, whatever that is.
Once we had determined that Garkin had set up shopdirectly on a force line, as Aahz had suspected, andestablished direction of the flow of energies, we hadanother problem. Which way did we follow it?
The decision was doubly important as, if Aahz wascorrect, there would be a team of Imp assassins waitingin one direction, very probably in the direction wewanted to go.
We solved the problem by traveling one day's journeyperpendicular to the force line, then for two days par-allel to the line in our chosen direction, then returning tothe line before continuing our journey. We hoped thiswould bypass the assassins entirely.
It worked, and it didn't.
It worked in that we didn't walk into an ambush. Itdidn't work in that now it seemed they were on our trail,though whether they were actually tracking us or merelyfollowing the force line back to Isstvan was unknown.
"I keep telling you, kid," Aahz insisted, "it's a goodsign. It means we've chosen the right direction, and thatwe'll reach Isstvan ahead of his assassins' report."
"What if we're heading in the wrong direction?" Iargued. "What if they're really following us? How longdo we travel in this direction before we give up and ad-mit it?"
"How long do you figure it will take for you to learnenough magik to stand up to a pack of Imp assassinsarmed with off-dimension weapons?"
"Let's get to work," I said firmly.
He looked around, and pointed to a gnarled fruit treestrewn round with windfalls across the clearing.
"Okay. Here's what I want you to do. Stare at the skyor contemplate your navel or something. Then when Igive the word, use your power to grab one of thosefruits and toss it to me."
I don't know how many hours we spent on that drill.It's more difficult than it sounds, mustering one'spowers from a standing start. Just when I thought I hadit down pat, Aahz switched tactics. He would engage ina conversation, deliberately leading me on, then wouldinterrupt me in mid-sentence with his signal. Needless tosay, I failed miserably.
"Relax, kid. Look, try it this way. Instead of mustering your power from scratch each time, create a smallspace inside yourself and store up some energy there.Just habitually keep that reserve squirreled away andready to cover for you while you get set to level your bigguns."
"What's a gun?"
"Never mind. Just build that reserve and we'll try itagain."
With this extra bit of advice at my disposal the drillwent noticeably better. Finally Aahz broke off the prac-,tice session and put me to work helping him with hisknife practice. Actually I rather enjoyed this task. It en-tailed my using my powers to levitate one of the fruitsand send it flying around the clearing until Aahz peggeda knife into it. As an extra touch of finesse, I would thenextract the knife and float it back to him for anothertry. The exercise was monotonous, but I never tired ofit. It seemed almost supernatural the way the shimmering, somersaulting sliver of steel would dart out to intercept the fruit as Aahz practiced first overhand, thenunderhand, now backhand.
"Stopit.Skeeve!"
Aahz's shout jolted me out of my reverie. Withoutthinking, I reached out with my mind and . . . and theknife stopped in midair! I blinked, but held it there,floating a foot from the fruit which also hung suspended in place.
"Hel-lo! That's the stuff, Skeeve! Now there's something to have confidence in!"
"I did it!" I said, disbelieving my own eyes.
"You sure did! That little piece of magik will saveyour life someday."
Out of habit, I floated the knife back to him. Heplucked it from the air and started to tuck it in his belt,then halted, cocking his head to one side.
"In the nick of time, too. Someone's coming."
"How can you tell?"
"Nothing special. My hearing's a bit better thanyours is all. Don't panic. It isn't the Imps. Hooved beastfrom the sound of it. No wild animal moves in thatstraight a line, or that obviously."
"What did you mean, 'in the nick of time'? Aren't wegoing to hide?"
"Not this time." He grinned at me. "You're develop-ing fast. It's about time you learned a new spell. Wehave a few days before whoever it is gets here."
"Days?"
Aahz was adapting rapidly to our dimension, butunits of time still gave him trouble.
"Run through those time measurements again," hegrumbled.
"In seconds, minutes, hours...."
"Minutes! We've got a few minutes."
"Minutes! I can't learn a new spell in a few minutes!"
"Sure you can. This one's easy. All you've got to dois disguise my features to look like a man."
"How do I do that?"
"The same way you do everything else, with yourmind. First, close your eyes ... close 'em ... okay, nowpicture another face...."
All I could think of was Garkin, so I pictured the twofaces side by side.
"Now move the new face over mine . . . and meltaway or build up the necessary features. Like clay . . .just keep that in the back of your mind and open youreyes."
I looked, and was disappointed.
"It didn't work!"
"Sure it did."
He was looking in the dark mirror which he hadfished from his belt pouch.
"But you haven't changed!"
"Yes I have. You can't see it because you cast thespell. It's an illusion, and since your mind knows thetruth, it isn't fooled, but anyone else will be. Garkin,huh? Well, it'll do for now."
His identification of the new face took me aback.
"You can really see Garkin's face?"
"Sure, want to look?"
He offered the mirror and grinned. It was a bad joke.One of the first things we discovered about his dubiousstatus in this world was that while he could see himselfin mirrors, nobody from our world could. At least Icouldn't.
I could now hear the sounds of the rider coming.
"Aahz, are you sure...."
"Trust me, kid. There's nothing to worry about."I was worried. The rider was in view now. He was atall muscular man with the look of a warrior about him.This was reinforced by the massive war unicorn he wasriding, laden with weapons and armor.
"Hey, Aahz. Shouldn't we.:.."
"Relax, kid. Watch this."
He stepped forward, raising his arm.
"Hello, stranger! How far to the next town?"
The man veered his mount toward us. He half raisedhis arm in greeting, then suddenly stiffened. Heavingforward, he squinted at Aahz, then drew back in terror."By the Gods! A demon!"
"Attention to detail is the watchword for
gleaning information from an unsuspecting
witness."
INSP. CLOUSEAU
THE warrior's terror did not immobilize him long. Infact, it didn't immobilize him at all! No sooner did hemake his discovery than he took action. Strangelyenough, the action was to lean back in his saddle andbegin rummaging frantically through one of his saddle-bags, a precarious position at best.
Apparently I was not the only one to notice the in-stability of his pose. Aahz sprang forward with a yell,waving his arms in the unicorn's face. Being a reasonable creature, the unicorn reared and bolted, dumpingthe warrior on his head.
"By the Gods!" he bellowed, trying to untangle himself from the ungraceful heap of arms and weapons."I've killed men for less!"
I decided that if his threat was to be avoided, I shouldtake a personal hand in the matter. Reaching out withmy mind, I seized a fist-sized rock and propelled itforcefully against his unhelmeted brow. The man wentdown like a pole-axed steer.
For a long moment Aahz and I considered the fallenman, catching our breath.
" 'Relax, Skeeve! This'll be easy, Skeeve! Trust me,Skeeve.' Boy, Aahz, when you miss a call you don't doit small, do you?"
"Shut up, kid!"
He was rummaging through his pouch again.
"I don't want to shut up, I want to know what happened to the 'foolproof spell you taught me."
"I was kind of wondering that myself." He had produced the mirror again and was peering into it. "Tellyou what, kid. Check his aura and watch for anything unusual."
" 'Shut up, kid! Check his aura, kid!' You'd think I
was some kind of.... Hey!"
"What is it?"
"His aura! It's a sort of a reddish yellow except
there's a blue patch on his chest."
"I thought so!!" Aahz was across the clearing in abound, crouching at the fallen man like a beast of prey.
"Look at this!!"
On a thong around the man's neck was a crude silvercharm depicting a salamander with one eye in the center
of its forehead.
"What is it?"
"I'm not sure, but I've got a hunch. Now play alongwith me on this. I want you to remove the shape warp
spell."
"What spell?"
"C'mon, kid, wake up! The spell that's changing my
face."
"That's what I mean. What spell?"
"Now look, kid! Don't give me a lot of back talk.
Just do it! He'll be waking up soon."
With a sigh I shut my eyes and set about the seeminglypointless task. It was easier this time, imagining Gar-kin's face, then melting away the features until Aahz'sface was leering at me in my mind's eye. I opened myeyes and looked at Aahz. He looked like Aahz. Terrific.
"Now what?"
As if in answer, the warrior groaned and sat up. Heshook his head as if to clear it and opened his eyes. His
gaze fell on Aahz, whereupon he blinked, looked again,and reached for his sword, only to find it missing. Alsomissing were his dagger and hand-axe. Apparently Aahzhad not been idle while I was removing the spell.
Aahz spoke first.
"Relax, stranger. Things are not as they seem."
The man sprang to his feet and struck a fightingstance, fists clenched.
"Beware, demon!" he intoned hollowly. "I am notwithout defenses."
"Oh yeah? Name three. But like I say. relax. First ofall, I'm not a demon."
"Know you, demon, that this charm enables me tolook through any spells and see you as you really are."
So that was it! My confidence in my powers cameback with a rush.
"Friend, though you may not believe me, the sightof that talisman fills me with joy, for it enables me toprove what I am about to tell you."
"Do not waste your lies on me. Your disguise is pene-trated! You are a demon!"
"Right. Could you do me one little favor?" Aahz leisurely sat cross-legged on the ground. "Could you takethe charm off for a minute?"
"Take it off?" For a moment the man was puzzled,but he quickly rallied his forces. "Nay, demon. Youseek to trick me into removing my charm that you mightkill me!"
"Look, dummy. If we wanted to kill you we couldhave done it while you were knocked out cold!"
For the first time, the man seemed doubtful.
"That is, indeed, a fact."
"Then could you humor me for a moment and takethe charm off?"
The warrior hesitated, then slowly removed thecharm. He looked hard at Aahz and scowled.
"That's strange. You still look like a demon!"
"Correct, now let me ask you a question. Am I correct in assuming from your words you have someknowledge of demons?"
"I have been a demon hunter for over fifteen yearsnow," he declared proudly.
"Oh, yeah?" For a minute I was afraid Aahz wasgoing to blow the whole gambit, but he got himself backunder control and continued.
"Then tell me, friend. In your long experience withdemons, have you ever met one who looked like ademon?"
"Of course not! They always use their magik to disguise themselves."
Fat lot he knew about demons!
"Then that should prove my point!"
"What point?"
I thought for a moment Aahz was going to take himby the shoulders and shake him. It occurred to me thatperhaps Aahz's subtleties were lost on this world.
"Let me try, Aahz. Look, sir. What he's trying to sayis that if he were a demon he wouldn't look like ademon, but he does so he isn't."
"Oh!" said the man with sudden understanding.
"Now you've lost me," grumbled Aahz.
"But if you aren't a demon, why do you look likeone?"
"Ahh . . " Aahz sighed, "therein lies the story. Yousee, I'm accursed!"
"Accursed?"
"Yes. You see, I am a demon hunter like yourself. Arather successful one, actually. Established quite a namefor myself in the field."
"I never heard of you," grumbled the man.
"Well, we've never heard of you either," I chimed in.
"You don't even know my name!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." I remembered my manners. "I'mSkeeve, and this ... demon hunter is Aahz."
"Pleased to meet you. I am known as Quigley."
"If I could continue...."
"Sorry, Aahz."
"As I was saying, I had achieved a certain renownamong the demons due to my unprecedented success. Attimes it was rather bothersome, as when it was learned Iwas coming, most demons would either flee the territoryor kill themselves."
"Does he always brag this much?"
"He's just getting started."
"Anyway . . . one day I was closing with a demon, aparticularly ugly brute, when he startled me by addressing me by name. 'Aahz!' says he, 'Before you strike,you should know your career is at an end!' Of course Ilaughed at him, for I had slain demons more fierce thanhe, sometimes in pairs. 'Laugh if you will,' he boomed,'but a conclave of demons empowered me to deal withyou. Whether you kill me or not, you are doomed tosuffer the same end you have visited on so many of us.'I killed him of course, assuming he was bluffing, but mylife has not been the same ever since."
"Why not?"
"Because of the curse! When I returned to my horse,my faithful squire here took one look at me and fainteddead away."
"I did no such thing! I mean ... it was the heat."
"Of course. Skeeve." Aahz winked slyly at Quigley.
"At any rate, I soon discovered to my horror that thedemon had worked a spell on me before he expired,causing me to take on the appearance of a demon to allwho beheld me."
"Fiendish. Clever, but fiendish."
"You see the subtlety of their plan! That I, fiercest ofdemon hunters, am now hunted in turn by my fellowhumans. I am forced to hide like an animal with onlymy son here for companionship."
"I thought you said he was your squire."
"That, too. Oh, the irony of it all."
"Gee, that's tough. I wish I could do something tohelp."
"Maybe you can," Aahz smiled winningly.
Quigley recoiled. I found it reassuring that someoneelse shared my reaction to Aahz's smile.
"Urn ... how? I mean, I'm just a demon hunter."
"Precisely how you might be of assistance. You see,at the moment we happen to have several demons following us. It occurs to me we might be of mutual serviceto each other. We can provide you with targets, and youin turn can rid us of a bloody nuisance."
'They're bloody?'' Quigley was horrified.
"Just an expression. Well, what do you say? Is it adeal?"
"I dunno. I'm already on a mission and I don't usually take on a new job until the last one's complete. Themisinformed might think I was quitting or had beenscared off or something. That sort of thing is bad forthe reputation."
"It'd be no trouble at all," Aahz persisted. "It's notlike you'll have to go out of your way. Just wait righthere and they'll be along."
"Why are they following you, anyway?"
"A vile magician sent them after us after I was foolishenough to seek his aid. The curse, you know."
"Of course . . . wait a minute. Was that magician'sname Garkin by any chance?"
"As a matter of fact it was. Why? Do you know
him?"
"Why, he's my mission! That's the man I'm going tokill."
"Why?" I interrupted. "Garkin's no demon."
"But he consorts with demons, lad." Aahz scowledwarningly at me. "That's enough for any demon hunter.Right, Quigley?"
"Right. Remember that, lad."
I nodded vigorously at him, feeling suddenly verynervous about this whole encounter.
"Where did you hear about Garkin anyway, Quigley?" Aahz asked casually.
"Strangely enough, from an innkeeper . . . Isstvan, Ithink he said his name was ... a bit strange, but asincere enough fellow. About three weeks ride back ...,but we were talking about your problem. Why did hesend demons after you?"
"Well, as I said, I sought him out to try to get him to
remove any curse. What I did not realize was that hewas actually in league with demons himself. He hadheard of me, and flatly refused me aid. What is more,after we left he set some of his demons on our trail.""I see. How many of them did you say there were?""Just two," Aahz assured him. "We've caught glimpses of them occasionally."
"Very well," concluded Quigley. "I'll do it. I'll assistyou in your battle."
"That's fine except for one thing. We won't behere."
"Why not? I should think that as a demon hunteryou'd welcome the chance once the odds were even."
"If I were here there would be no fight," Aahz statedgrandly. "As I have said, I have a certain reputationamong demons. If they saw me here they would simplyflee."
"I frankly find that hard to believe," commentedQuigley.
I was inclined to agree with him, but kept my silence.
"Well, I must admit their fear of my charmed swordhas a bit to do with their reluctance to do battle."
"Charmed sword?"
"Yes." Aahz patted the sword at his side. "Thisweapon once belonged to the famous demon hunterAlfansDeClario."
"Never heard of him."
"Never heard of him? Are you sure you're a demonhunter? Why the man killed over two hundred demonswith this sword. They say it is charmed such that whom-ever wields it cannot be killed by a demon."
"How did he die?"
"Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible."
"Yes, they're nasty that way. But about the sword,does it work?"
"It works as well as any sword, a little point-heavy,
maybe, but...."
"No. I mean the charm. Does it work?"
"I can testify that I haven't been killed by a demon
since I started using it."
"And demons actually recognize it and flee from itsowner?"
"Exactly. Of course, I haven't had occasion to useit for years. Been too busy trying to get this curse removed. Sometimes I've thought about selling it, but if Iever get back into business it would be a big help in . . .urn ... reestablishing my reputation."
I suddenly realized what Aahz was up to. Quigley roseto the bait like a hungry pike-turtle.
"Hmm. . . ." he said. "Tell you what. Just to give ahand to a fellow demon hunter who's down on his luck,I'll take it off your hands for five gold pieces."
"Five gold pieces! You must be joking. I paid threehundred for it. I couldn't possibly let it go for less thantwo hundred."
"Oh, well, that counts me out. I only have about fiftygold pieces on me."
"Fifty?"
"Yes, I never travel with more than...."
"But then again, times have been hard, and seeing ashow you would be using it to do battle against the fiendswho put the curse on me.... Yes, I think I could let youhave it for fifty gold pieces."
"But that's all the money I have."
"Yes, but what good is a fat purse if you're tornasunder by a demon?"
"True enough. Let me see it."
He took the blade and hefted, giving it a few experimental swings.
"Crummy balance." He grimaced.
"You get used to it."
"Lousy steel," he declared, squinting at the blade.
"Nice edge on it, though."
"Well, my trainer always told me 'If you take care ofyour sword, it will take care of you!' "
"We must have had the same trainer."
The two of them smiled at each other. I felt slightlyill.
"Still, I dunno. Fifty pieces of gold is a lot."
"Just look at those stones in the handle."
"I did. They're fake."
"Aha! They're made to look fake. It hides theirvalue."
"Sure did a nice job. What kind of stones are they?"
"Blarney stones."
"Blarney stones?"
"Yes. They're said to ensure your popularity with theladies, if you know what I mean."
"But fifty gold pieces is all the money I have."
"Tell you what. Make it forty-five gold pieces andthrow in your sword."
"My sword?"
"Of course. This beauty will take care of you, andyour sword will keep my squire and I from being de-fenseless in this heathen land."
"Hmm. That seems fair enough. Yes, I believe youhave made a deal, my friend."
They shook hands ceremoniously and began effectingthe trade. I seized the opportunity to interrupt.
"Gee, it's a shame we have to part so soon."
"Why so soon?" The warrior was puzzled.
"No need to rush off," Aahz assured him, giving mea solid elbow in the ribs.
"But Aahz, we wanted to travel more before sundown and Quigley has to prepare for battle."
"What preparations?" asked Quigley.
"Your unicorn," I continued doggedly. "Don't youwant to catch your unicorn?"
"My unicorn! All of my armor is on that animal!"
"Surely it won't wander far...." Aahz growled.
"There are bandits about who would like nothingbetter than to get their hands on a good war unicorn."Quigley heaved himself to his feet. "And I want him atmy side to help me fight the demons. Yes, I must be off.I thank you for your assistance, my friends. Safe journey until we meet again."
With a vague wave of his hand, he disappeared intothe woods whistling for his mount.
"Now what was all that about?" Aahz exploded
angrily.
"What, Aahz?"
"The big rush to get rid of him. As gullible as he was,I could have traded him out of his pants or anything elsevaguely valuable he might have had on him. I specifically wanted to get my hands on that charm."
"Basically I wanted to see him on his way before hecaught on to the flaw in your little tale."
"What, the son-nephew slip? He wouldn't have...."
"No, the other thing."
"What other thing?"
I sighed.
"Look, he saw through your disguise because thatpendant lets him see through spells, right?"
"Right, and I explained it away saying I was the vic-tim of a demon's curse. ..."
"... that changed your appearance with a spell. Butif he could see through spells, he should be able to seethrough that spell to see you as a normal man. Right?"
"Hmm. . . . Maybe we'd better be on our way nowthat we know where Isstvan is."
But I was unwilling to let my little triumph go soeasily.
"Tell me, Aahz. What would you do if we encountered a demon hunter as smart as me?"
"That's easy." He smiled, patting the crossbow. "I'dkill him. Think about it."
I did.
"Is there anything in the universe more
beautiful and protective than the simple
complexity of a spider's web?"
CHARLOTTE
I CLOSED my eyes for concentration. This was more difficult than drawing energies from the force line directlyinto my body. I pointed a finger for focus, pointing at aspot some five yards distant from me.
The idea of drawing energies from a distant locationand controlling them would have seemed impossible tome, until Aahz pointed out it was the same as thecandle-lighting exercise I had already mastered. Now itdid not seem impossible, merely difficult.
Confidently, I narrowed my concentration, and in mymind's eye saw a gleaming blue light appear at the designated point. Without breaking my concentration, Imoved my finger overhead in a slow arc. The light followed the lead, etching a glowing blue trail in the airbehind it. As it touched the ground again, or where Isensed the ground to be, I moved my finger again, mov-ing the light into the second arc of the protective pentagram.
It occurred to me that what I was doing was notunlike forming the normal flat pentagram Garkin hadused at the hut. The only difference being that instead 55
56 Robert Asprin ANOTHER FINE MYTH 57
of being inscribed on the floor, this was etched overheadwith its points dipping downward to touch the earth. Itwas more an umbrella than a border.
The other major difference, I thought as I completedthe task, was that I was doing it. Me. Skeeve. What Ihad once watched with awe, I was now performing asroutine.
I touched the light down in its original place, completing the pentagram. Quietly pleased, I stood for amoment, eyes closed, studying the glowing blue linesetched in my mind's eye.
"Terrific, kid," came Aahz's voice. "Now what sayyou damp it down a bit before we draw every peasantand demon hunter in the country."
Surprised, I opened my eyes.
The pentagram was still there! Not imagined in mymind, but actually glowing overhead. Its cold blue lightgave an eerie illumination to the scene that negated thewarmth of our little campfire.
"Sorry, Aahz." I quickly eased my control on theenergy and watched as the lines of the pentagram fadedto invisibility. They were still there. I could feel theirpresencetn the night air above me. Now, however, theycould not be seen by normal vision.
More for the joy of it than out of any lack of confidence, I closed my eyes again and looked at them.They glowed there in shimmering beauty, a cooler,reassuring presence to counter the impatience of the red-gold glow of the forceline spear pointing doggedlytoward tomorrow's path.
"Sit down, kid, and finish your lizard-bird."
We were out of the forest proper now, but despite thepresence of the nearby road, game was still plentiful andfell ready victim to my snares. Aahz still refused to joinme in the meals, insisting alcohol was the only thing inthis dimension worth consuming, but I dined frequentlyand royally.
"You know, kid," he said, looking up from his endless sword-sharpening. "You're really coming along
pretty well with your studies."
"What do you mean?" I mumbled through a bone,
hoping he would elaborate.
"You're a lot more confident with your magik.
You'd better watch your controls, though. You hadenough energy in that pentagram to fry anything thatbumped against it."
"I guess I'm still a bit worried about the assassins."
"Relax, kid. It's been three days since we set 'em upin that ambush of Quigley's. Even if he didn't stop 'em,they'll never catch up with us now."
"Did I really summon up that much power?" I urged,eager for praise.
"Unless you're actually engaged in magical battle,wards are used as a warning signal only. If you put toomuch energy into them it can have two potentially badside effects. First, you can draw unnecessary attentionto yourself by jarring or burning an innocent bystanderwho blunders into it. Second, if it actually reaches amagical opponent, it probably won't stop him; just alerthim that he has a potentially dangerous foe in the area."
"I thought it was a good thing if I could summon uplots of power."
"Look, kid. This isn't a game. You're tapping
into some very powerful forces here. The idea is tostrengthen your control, not see how much you canliberate. If you get too careless with experimenting, youcould end up helpless when the actual crunch comes."
"Oh," I said, unconvinced.
"Really, kid. You've got to learn this. Let me try anexample. Suppose for a minute you're a soldier assignedto guard a pass. Your superiors put you on the post andgive you a stack of ten-pound rocks. All you have to dois watch to see if anyone comes, and if they do, drop arock on their head. Are you with me so far?"
"I guess so."
"Fine. Now it's a long, boring duty, and you havelots of time to think. You're very proud of your muscles, and decide it's a bit insulting that you were onlygiven ten-pound rocks. Twenty-pound rocks would bemore effective, and you think you could handle them aseasily as the ten-pound variety. Logical?"
I nodded vaguely, still not sure what he was drivingat.
"Just to prove the point to yourself, you heft atwenty-pound rock, and, sure enough, you can handleit. Then it occurs to you if you can handle a twenty-pounder, you should be able to handle a forty-pounder,or even a fifty-pounder. So you try. Then it happens."
He was getting so worked up I felt no need to respond.
"You drop it on your foot, or you pull a muscle, oryou keel over from heat exhaustion, or any one of ahundred other things. Then where are you?"
He leveled an accusing finger at me.
"The enemy strolls through the pass you're supposedto be guarding and you can't even lift the original ten-pound rock to stop them. All because you indulged inneedless testing of idiotic muscle power!"
I was impressed, and gave the matter serious thoughtbefore replying.
"I see what you're saying, Aahz, but there's one flawin your example. The keyword is 'needless.' Now in mycase, it's not a matter of having a stack of ten-poundrocks that would do the job. I have a handful of gravel.I'm trying to scrounge around for a rock big enough todo some damage."
"True enough," Aahz retorted, "but the fact remainsif you overextend yourself you won't be able to use whatyou already have. Even gravel can be effective if used atthe right time. Don't underrate what you've got or whatyou're doing. Right now you're keeping the finder speargoing, maintaining the wards, and keeping my disguiseintact. That's a lot for someone of your abilities tobe doing simultaneously. If something happened rightnow, which would you drop first?"
"Urn...."
"Too late! We're already dead. You won't have timeto ponder energy problems. That's why you always have
to hold some back to deal with immediate situationswhile you rally your energies from other activities. Nowdo you see?"
"I think so, Aahz," I said haltingly. "I'm a bittired."
"Well, think about it. It's important. In the mean-time get some sleep and try to store up your energies. Incidentally, let the finder spear go for now. You cansummon it up again in the morning. Right now, it's justa needless drain."
"Okay, Aahz. How about your disguise?"
"Hmm ... better keep that. It'll be good practice foryou to maintain both that and the wards in your sleep.Speaking of which...."
"Right, Aahz."
I drew my acquired assassin's cloak about me forwarmth and curled up. Despite his gruff manner, Aahzwas persistent that I get enough sleep as well as food.
Sleep did not come easily, however. I found I was stilla bit wound up over casting the wards.
"Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"How would you say my powers right now. stack upagainst the devils?"
"What devils?"
"The assassins that were following us."
"I keep telling you, kid. Those weren't Deveels, thosewere Imps."
"What's the difference?"
"I told you before. Imps are from Imper, and
Deveels...."
"... are from Deva," I finished for him. "But whatdoes that mean? I mean, are their powers different orsomething?"
"You'd better believe it. kid." Aahz snorted.
"Deveels are some of the meanest characters you'd evernot want to tangle with. They're some of the mostfeared and respected characters in the dimensions."
' 'Are they warriors? Mercenaries?''
Aahz shook his head.
"Worse!" he answered. "They're merchants."
"Merchants?"
"Don't sneer, kid. Maybe merchants is too sedate aphrase to describe them. Traders Supreme is more likeit."
"Tell me more, Aahz."
"Well, history was never my forte, but as near as Ican tell, at one time the entire dimension Deva facedeconomic ruin. The lands suffered a plague that affected the elements. Fish could not live in its oceans,plants could not grow in the soil. Those plants that didgrow were twisted and changed and poisoned the animals. The dimension was no longer able to support thelife of its citizenry."
I lay, staring up at the stars as Aahz continued histale.
"Dimension travel, once a frivolous pastime, nowbecame the key to survival. Many left Deva, migratingsingly or in groups to other dimensions. Their tales oftheir barren, miserable homeland served as a prototypefor many religious groups' concept of an afterworld forevil souls.
"The ones who stayed, however, decided to use thepower of dimension travel in a different way. Theyestablished themselves as traders, traveling the dimensions buying and selling wonders. What is common inone dimension is frequently rare in another. As thepractice grew, they became rich and powerful . . . alsothe shrewdest hagglers in all the dimensions. Theirtechniques for driving a hard bargain have been passeddown from generation to generation and polished untilnow they are without equal. They are scattered throughthe dimensions, returning to Deva only occasionally tovisit the Bazaar."
"The Bazaar?" I prompted.
"No one can travel extensively in all the dimensionsin one lifetime. The Bazaar on Deva is the place theDeveels meet to trade with each other. An off-dimen-sion visitor there will be sore pressed to not lose o'ermuch, much less hold his own. It's said if you make a deal with a Deveel, you'd be wise to count your fingersafterward . . . then your arms and legs, then yourrelatives...."
"I get the picture. Now how about the Imps?"
"The Imps." Aahz said the word as if it tasted bad."The Imps are inferior to the Deveels in every way."
"How so?"
"They're cheap imitations. Their dimension, Imper,lies close to Deva, and the Deveels bargain with them sooften they're almost bankrupt from the irresistible 'fairdeals.' To hold their own, they've taken to aping theDeveels, attempting to peddle wonders through thedimensions. To the uneducated, they may seem cleverand powerful; in fact, occasionally they try to passthemselves off as Deveels. Compared to the masters,however, they're bungling incompetents."
He trailed off into silence. I pondered his words, andthey prompted another question.
"Say, Aahz?"
"Hmm? Yeah, kid?"
"What dimension do you come from?"
"Perv."
"Does that make you a Pervert?"
"No. That makes me a Pervect. Now shut up!"
I assumed he wanted me to go to sleep, and maintained silence for several minutes. There was just onemore question I had to ask, however, if I was going toget any sleep at all.
"Aahz?"
"Keep it down, kid."
"What dimension is this?"
"Hmmm? This is Klah, kid. Now for the last time,shut up."
"What does that make me, Aahz?"
There was no answer.
"Aahz?"
I rolled over to look at him. He was staring out intothe darkness and listening intently.
"What is it?"
"I think we've got company, kid."
As if in response to his words, I felt a tremor in thewards as something came through.
I bounded to my feet as two figures appeared at theedge of the firelight. The light was dimming, but wassufficient to reveal the fact that both figures were wearing the hooded cloaks of assassins, and the gold side wasout!
"In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one's head."
M. ANTOINETTE
THE four of us stood in frozen tableau for several minutes studying each other. My mind was racing, but couldnot focus on the definite course of action. I decided tofollow Aahz's lead and simply stood regarding the twofigures cooly, trying to ignore the two crossbows leveledsteadily on us.
Finally, one of our visitors broke the silence.
"Well, Throckwoddle? Aren't you going to inviteyour friends to sit down?"
Surprisingly, this was addressed to me!
"Ummm...." I said.
"Yes, Throckwoddle," Aahz drawled, turning to me."And aren't you going to introduce me to your colleagues?"
"Urn...." I repeated.
"Perhaps he doesn't remember us," the second figureinjected sarcastically.
"Nonsense," responded the first with equal sarcasm."His two oldest friends? Brockhurst and Higgens? Howcould he possibly not remember our names? Just because he forgot to share the loot doesn't mean he'd for-get our names. Be fair, Higgens."
"Frankly, Brockhurst," responded the other. "I'drather he remembered the loot and forgot our names."
Their words were stuffy and casual, but the crossbows never wavered.
I was beginning to get the picture. Apparently thesewere the two Imps Aahz had assured me couldn't overtake us. Fortunately, it seemed they thought I was theImp who had killed Garkin ... at least I thought it wasfortunate.
"Gentlemen," Aahz exclaimed, stepping forward."Let me say what a great pleasure it is to...."
He stopped as Brockhurst's crossbow leapt to hisshoulder in one smooth move.
"I'm not sure who you are," he intoned. "But I'd ad-vise you to stay out of this. This is a private matter between the three of us."
"Brockhurst," interrupted Higgens. "It occurs to mewe may be being a bit hasty in our actions."
"Thank you, Higgens," I said, greatly relieved.
"Now that we've established contact," he continued,favoring me with an icy glare, "I feel we should perhapssecure our traveling companion before we continue this... discussion."
"I suppose you're right, Higgens," Brockhurst admitted grudgingly. "Be a good fellow and fetch himalong while I watch these two."
"I feel that would be ill-advised on two counts. First,I refuse to approach that beast alone, and second, thatwould leave you alone facing two to one odds, if you getmy point."
"Quite. Well, what do you suggest?"
"That we both fetch our traveling companion andreturn without delay."
"And what is to keep these two from making a hastydeparture?"
"The fact that we'll be watching them from somewhere in the darkness with crossbows. I believe thatshould be sufficient to discourage them from mak-ing ... ah ... any movements which might be subject tomisinterpretation.''
"Very well," Brockhurst yielded grudgingly.
"Throckwoddle, I would strongly suggest you not attempt to avoid us further. While I don't believe wecould be any more upset with you than we already are,that might actually succeed in provoking us further."
With that, the two figures faded back into darkness.
"What are we going to do, Aahz?" I whispered frantically.
He seemed not to hear me.
"Imps!" he chortled, rubbing his hands togethergleefully. "What a stroke of luck!"
"Aahz! They're going to kill me!"
"Hm? Relax, kid. Like I said. Imps are gullible. Ifthey were really thinking, they would have shot us downwithout talking. I haven't met an Imp yet I couldn't talkcircles around."
He cocked his head, listening.
"They're coming back now. Just follow my lead. Ohyes ... I almost forgot. Drop the disguise on myfeatures when I give you the cue."
"But you said they couldn't catch...."
I broke off as the two Imps reappeared. They wereleading a war unicorn between them. The hoods of thecloaks were back now, revealing their features. I wasmoderately surprised to see they looked human, seedyperhaps, but human nonetheless. Then I saw Quigley.
He was sitting woodenly astride the unicorn, lurchingback and forth with the beast's stride. His eyes werestaring fixedly straight ahead and his right arm wasraised as if in salutation. The light of the fire reflectedoff his face as if it were glass, and I realized with horrorhe was no longer alive, but a statue of some unidentifiedsubstance.
Any confidence I might have gained from Aahz'sassurances left me in a rush. Gullible or not, the Impsplayed for keeps, and any mistake we made would in alllikelihood be our last.
"Who's that?" Aahz asked, interrupting my
thoughts.
I realized I had been dangerously close to showing abetraying sign of recognition of the statue.
"There will be time for that later, if indeed there isa later," said Higgens, grimly dropping the unicorn'sreins and raising his crossbow.
"Yes," echoed Brockhurst, imitating Higgens's movewith his own weapon. "First there is a matter of an explanation to be settled. Throckwoddle?"
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," said Aahz soothingly,
stepping between me and the crossbows. "Before youproceed I must insist on introducing myself properly. Ifyou will but allow me a moment while I remove my disguise."
The sight of the two weapons had rattled me so badlyI almost missed my cue. Fortunately, I managed togather my scattered senses and closed my eyes, shakilyexecuting the change features spell to convert Aahz backto his normal dubious appearance.
I'm not sure what reaction I had expected from theImps at the transformation, but the one I got surpassedany possible expectations.
"By the Gods below!" gasped Brockhurst.
"A Pervert!" gasped Higgens.
"That's Pervect!" smiled Aahz, showing all hispointed teeth. "And don't ever forget it, friend Imps."
"Yessir!" they chorused in unison.
They were both standing in slack-jawed amazement,crossbows dangling forgotten in their hands. From theirterrified reactions, I began to suspect that despite all hisbragging, Aahz had perhaps not told me everythingabout his dimension or the reputation of its inhabitants.
Aahz ignored their stares and plopped down again at
his place by the fire.
"Now that that's established, why don't you putaway those silly crossbows and sit down so we can chatlike civilized folk. eh?"
He gestured impatiently and they hastened to comply.
I also resumed a sitting position, not wishing to be theonly one left standing.
"But. .. what are . .. why are you here ... sir ... ifyou don't mind my asking?" Brockhurst finally managed to get the whole question out.
However incompetent he might be as a demon, hesure knew how to grovel.
"Ah!" smiled Aahz. "Therein lies the story."
I settled back. This could take a while.
"I was summoned across the dimensions barrier byone Garkin, a magician I have never cared much for. Itseems he was expecting some trouble from a rival andwas eager to enlist my aid for the upcoming fracas.Now, as I said before, I had never been fond of Garkinand was not particularly wild about joining him. Hebegan growing unpleasant in his insistence to the pointthat I considered swaying from my normal easygoingnature to take action against him, when who should ap-pear but Throckwoddle here who did me the favor ofputting a quarrel into the old slime-stirrer."
Aahz acknowledged me with an airy wave. I tried tolook modest.
"Naturally we fell to chatting afterward, and he mentioned he was in the employment of one Isstvan and thathis action against Garkin had been part of an assignment."
"You answered questions about an assignment?"
Higgens turned to me aghast.
"Yes I did," I snarled at him. "Wouldn't you. considering the circumstances?"
"Oh, yes ... of course. . . ." He darted a nervousglance at Aahz and lapsed into respectful silence again.
"Anyway," Aahz continued, "it occurred to me Iowed this fellow Isstvan a favor for ridding me of a nagging nuisance, so I suggested I accompany Throckwoddle back to his employer that I might offer him myservices, on a limited basis, of course."
"You could have waited for us." Brockhurst glowered at me.
"Well... I wanted... you see... I...."
"I insisted," Aahz smiled. "You see, my time isquite valuable and I had no desire to waste it waitingaround."
"Oh," said Brockhurst.
Higgens was not so easily swayed.
"You could have left us a message," he muttered.
"We did," Aahz replied. "My ring, in full view onthe table. I see you found it."
He pointed an accusing finger at Brockhurst. I noticed for the first time the Imp was wearing Garkin'sring.
"This ring?" Brockhurst started. "Is it yours? Ithought it was part of Garkin's loot that had been overlooked."
"Yes, it's mine." Aahz bared his teeth. "I'm surprised you didn't recognize it. But now that we'reunited, you will, of course, return it."
"Certainly!" the Imp fumbled in his haste to removethe ring.
"Careful there," Aahz cautioned. "You know howto operate it, don't you? It can be dangerous in ignoranthands."
"Of course I know how to operate it," Brockhurstreplied in an injured tone. "You press against the ringwith the fingers on either side of it. I saw one like it atthe Bazaar on Deva once."
He tossed the ring to Aahz who caught it neatly andslipped it on his finger. Fortunately it fit. I made a men-tal note to ask Aahz to let me try using the ring sometime, now that we knew how it worked.
"Now that I've explained about me, how about
answering my question," Aahz said, leveling a finger atthe Quigley statue. "Who is that?"
"We aren't sure ourselves," Higgens admitted.
"It's all quite puzzling, really," Brockhurst added.
"Would you care to elaborate on that?" Aahz
prompted.
"Well, it happened about three days back. We werefollowing your trail to ... um ... with hopes of reuniting our group. Suddenly this warrior gallops out ofthe brush ahead of us and bars our path. It was as if heknew we were coming and was waiting for us. 'Isstvanwas right!' he shouts, 'This region does abound withdemons!' "
"Isstvan?" I said, doing my best to look puzzled.
"That's what he said. It surprised us, too. I mean,here we are working for Isstvan, and were set upon by aman claiming to be sent by the same employer. Anyway,then he says, 'Behold the weapon of your doom!' anddraws a sword."
"What kind of sword was it?" Aahz asked innocently.
"Nothing special. Actually a little substandard fromall we could see. Well, it put us in a predicament. Wehad to defend ourselves, but were afraid to harm him onthe off-chance he really was working for Isstvan."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Frankly, we said 'to heck with it' and took the easyway out. Higgens here bounced one of his stone ballsoff the guy's forehead and froze him in place. We'vebeen dragging him along ever since. We figure we'lldump him in Isstvan's lap and let him sort it out."
"A wise solution," commented Aahz.
They inclined their heads graciously at the compli-ment.
"One question I'd like to ask," I interjected. "Howwere you able to overtake us, encumbered as youwere?"
"Well, it was no small problem. We had little hope ofovertaking you as it was, and with our new burden, itappeared it would be impossible," Brockhurst began.
"We were naturally quite eager to ... ah ... joinyou, so we resorted to desperate measures," Higgenscontinued. "We took a side trip to Twixt and sought theaid of the Deveel there. It cost us a pretty penny, but hefinally agreed to teleport our group to the trail ahead ofyou, allowing us to make our desired contact."
"Deveel? What Deveel?" Aahz interrupted.
"Frumple. The Deveel at Twixt. The one who...."
Brockhurst broke off suddenly, his eyes narrowingsuspiciously. He shot a dark glance at Higgens, who wascasually reaching for his crossbow.
"I'm surprised Throckwoddle hasn't mentioned
Frumple to you," Higgens purred. "After all, he's theone who told us about him."
"To function efficiently, any group of
people or employees must have faith in
their leader."
CAPT. BUGH(ret.)
"YES, Throckwoddle." If anything, Aahz's voice waseven more menacing than the Imp's. "Why didn't youtell me about the Deveel?"
"It ... ah ... must have slipped my mind," I
mumbled.
With a massive exertion of self-control, I shot mymost withering glare at the Imps, forcing myself to ig-nore the menace of the crossbows. I was rewarded byseeing them actually look guilty and avoid my gaze.
"Slipped your mind! More likely you were trying tohold back a bit of information from me," Aahz said accusingly. "Well, now that it's out, let's have the rest ofit. What about this Deveel?"
"Ask Brockhurst," I grumbled. "He seems to be
eager to talk about it."
"Well, Brockhurst?" Aahz turned to him.
The Imp gave me an apologetic shrug as he started.
"Well, I guess I've already told you most of it.There's a Deveel, Frumple, in residence in Twixt. Hegoes under the cover of Abdul the Rug Merchant, but heactually maintains a thriving trade in the usual Devamanner, buying and selling across the dimensions."
"What's he doing in Klah?" Aahz interrupted. "Imean there's not much business here. Isn't it a little slowfor a Deveel's taste?"
"Well. Throckwoddle said. . . ." Brockhurst brokeoff and shot me a look.
"Go on, tell him." I tried to sound resigned.
"Well," the Imp continued, "rumor has it that hewas exiled from Deva and is in hiding here, ashamed toshow his face in a major dimension."
"Barred from Deva? Why? What did he do?"
I was glad Aahz asked. It would have sounded strangecoming from me.
"Throckwoddle wouldn't tell us. Said Frumple wassensitive on the subject and we shouldn't bring it up."
"Well, Throckwoddle?" Aahz turned to me.
I was so caught up in the story it took me a few beatsbefore I remembered that I really didn't know.
"Urn ... I can't tell you," I said.
"What?" Aahz scowled.
I began to wonder how much he was caught up in thestory and had lost track of the realities of the situation.
"I learned his secret by accident and hold it as apersonal confidence," I said haughtily. "During ourtravels these last few days, I've learned some ratherinteresting items about you and hold them in the sameesteem. I trust you will respect my silence on the matterof Frumple as I expect others to respect my silenceabout those matters pertaining to you."
"Okay, okay. You've made your point," Aahz conceded.
"Say . . . um . . . Throckwoddle," Higgens interrupted. "I would suggest we all shed our disguises likeour friend Perver .. . um, Pervect here has. No sense inusing up our energies keeping up false faces amongfriends."
His tone was casual, but he sounded suspicious. Inoticed he had not taken his hand off his crossbow.
"Why?" argued Brockhurst. "I prefer to keep mydisguise on at all times when in another dimension.
Lessens the chance of forgetting to put it on at a crucialmoment."
"I think Higgens is right," Aahz stated before I couldsupport Brockhurst. "I for one like to see the true facesof the people I'm talking to."
"Well," grumbled Brockhurst, "if everyone is goingto insist."
He closed his eyes in concentration, and his featuresbegan to shimmer and melt.
I didn't watch the whole process. My mind was racingdesperately back to Garkin's hut, when Aahz held upthe charred face of the assassin. I hastily envisioned myown face next to it and began working, making certainobvious modifications to its appearance to repair thefire damage.
When I was done, I snuck a peek out of one eye. Theother two had changed already. My attention was immediately drawn to their complexion. Theirs was apinkish red, while mine wasn't. I hastily re-closed myeye and made the adjustment.
Satisfied now, I opened my eyes and looked aboutme. The other two Imps now Showed the apparentlycharacteristic pointed ears and chins. Aahz looked likeAahz. The situation had completely reversed since theImps had arrived. Instead of being normal surroundedby three disguised demons, I was now surrounded bythree demons while I was disguised. Terrific.
"Ahh. That's better," chortled Aahz.
"You know, Throckwoddle," Higgens said, cockinga head at me. "For a moment there in the firelight youlooked different. In fact...."
"Come, come, gentlemen," Aahz interrupted. "Wehave serious matters to discuss. Does Isstvan knowabout Frumple's existence?"
"I don't believe so," answered Brockhurst. "If hedid, he would have either enlisted him or had himassassinated."
"Good," exclaimed Aahz. "He could very well be thekey to our plot."
"What plot? "I asked.
"Our plot against Isstvan, of course."
"What?" exclaimed Higgens, completely distractedfrom me now. "Are you insane?"
"No," retorted Aahz. "But Isstvan is. I mean, think!Has he been acting particularly stable?"
"No," admitted Brockhurst. "But then neither hasany other magician I've met, present company included."
"Besides," Higgens interrupted, "I thought you wereon your way to help him."
"That's before I heard your story," Aahz pointedout. "I'm not particularly eager to work for a magicianwho pits his own employees against each other."
"When did he do that?" Higgens asked.
Aahz made an exasperated gesture.
"Think, gentlemen! Have you forgotten our stony-faced friend there?" He jerked a thumb at the figure onthe unicorn. "If you recall your tale correctly, his wordsseemed to imply he had been sent by Isstvan to interceptyou."
"That's right," said Brockhurst. "So?"
"What do you mean, 'So?' " Aahz exploded.
"That's it! Isstvan sent him to kill you. Either he wastrying to cut his overhead by assassinating his assassinsbefore payday, or he's so unstable mentally he's lashingout blindly at everyone, including his own allies. Eitherway he doesn't sound like the most benevolent ofemployers."
"You know, I believe he has a point there," I observed, determined to be of some assistance in this deception.
"But if that's true, what are we to do?" asked Higgens.
"Well, I don't have a firm plan of action," Aahz admitted. "But I have some general ideas that mighthelp."
"Such as?" prompted Brockhurst.
"You go back to Isstvan. Say nothing at all of yoursuspicions. If you do, he might consider you dangerousand move against you immediately. What's more, re-fuse any new assignments. Find some pretext to stay asclose to him as possible. Learn all about his habits andweaknesses, but don't do anything until we get there."
"Where are you going?" asked Higgens.
"We are going to have a little chat with Frumple. Ifwe're going to move against Isstvan, the support of aDeveel could be invaluable.''
"And probably unobtainable," grumpled Brockhurst. "I've never known a Deveel yet to take sides in afight. They prefer being in a position to sell to bothsides."
"What do you mean 'we'?" asked Higgens. "Isn'tThrockwoddle coming with us? "
"No. I've developed a fondness for his company.Besides, if he doesn't agree to help us, it would come inhandy to have an assassin close by. Frumple's toopowerful to run the risk of leaving him unallied to helpIsstvan."
As Aahz was speaking, Brockhurst casually leanedback out of his line of vision and silently mouthed theword "Pervert" at Higgens. Higgens quietly nodded hisagreement, and they both shot me sympathetic glances.
"Well, what do you think?" Aahz asked in conclu-sion.
"Hmm . . . what do we do with him?" Higgens indicated the Quigley statue with a jerk of his head.
"We'll take him with us," I chimed in hastily.
"Of course!" agreed Aahz, shooting me a black look."If you two took him back to Isstvan, he might guessyou suspected his treachery."
"Besides," I added, "maybe we can revive him andconvince him to join us in our battle."
"I suppose you'll be wanting the antidote then." Higgens sighed, fishing a small vial from inside his cloakand tossing it to me. "Just sprinkle a little on him andhe'll return to normal in a few minutes. Watch yourself,though. There's something strange about him. Heseemed to be able to see right through our disguises."
"Where's the sword you were talking about?" Aahzasked.
"It's in his pack. Believe me, it's junk. The only rea-son we brought it along was that he seemed to put somuch stock in it. It'll be curious to find out what hethought it was when we revive him."
"Well, I believe that just about covers everything,"Brockhurst sighed. "I suggest we get some sleep andstart on our respective journeys first thing in the morning."
"I suggest you start on your journey now," Aahz saidpointedly.
"Now?" Brockhurst exclaimed.
"But it's the middle of the night," Higgens pointedout.
"Might I remind you gentlemen that the longer youare away from Isstvan, the greater the chances are he'llsend another assassin after you."
"He's right, you know," I said thoughtfully.
"I suppose so," grumbled Higgens.
"Well," said Brockhurst, rising to his feet, "I guesswe'll be on our way then as soon as we divide Garkin'sloot."
"On the contrary," stated Aahz. "Not only do wenot divide the loot, I would suggest you give us whateverfunds you have at your disposal."
"What?" they chorused, their crossbows instantly intheir hands again.
"Think, gentlemen," Aahz said soothingly. "We'dbe trying to bargain with a Deveel for his support. Asyou yourselves have pointed out, they are notoriouslyunreasonable in their prices. I would hate to think wemight fail in our negotiations for a lack of funds."
There was a pregnant silence as the Imps sought tofind a hole in his logic.
"Oh, very well," Brockhurst conceded at last, lowering his crossbow and reaching for his purse.
"I still don't think it will do any good," Higgensgrumbled, imitating Brockhurst's move. "You probably couldn't buy off a Deveel if you had the Gnomesthemselves backing you."
They passed the purses over to Aahz, who hefted
them judiciously before tucking them into his ownwaistband.
"Trust me, gentlemen." Aahz smiled. "We Pervectshave methods of persuasion that are effective even onDeveels."
The Imps shuddered at this and began edging away.
"Well. . . umm ... I guess we'll see you later," Higgens mumbled. "Watch yourself, Throckwoddle."
"Yes," added Brockhurst. "And be sure when you'redone, the Deveel is either with us or dead."
I tried to think of something to say in return, butbefore anything occurred to me they were gone.
Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me and I held up a restraining hand until I felt them pass through the wards.I signaled him with a nod.
"They've gone," I said.
"Beautiful!" exclaimed Aahz gleefully. "Didn't I tellyou they were gullible?"
For once I had to admit he was right.
"Well, get some sleep now, kid. Like I said before,tomorrow's going to be a busy day, and all of a suddenit looks like it's going to be even busier."
I complied, but one question kept nagging at me.
"Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid."
"What dimension do the Gnomes come from?"
"Zoorik," he answered.
On that note, I went to sleep.
"Man shall never reach his full capacity
while chained to the earth. We must take
wing and conquer the heavens."
ICARUS
"ARE you sure we're up to handling a Deveel, Aahz?" Iwas aware I had asked the question countless times inthe last few days, but I still needed reassurance.
"Will you relax, kid?" Aahz growled. "I was rightabout the Imps, wasn't I?"
"I suppose so," I admitted hesitantly.
I didn't want to tell Aahz, but I wasn't that happywith the Imp incident. It had been a little too close formy peace of mind. Since the meeting, I had been havingrecurring nightmares involving Imps and crossbows.
"Look at it this way, kid. With any luck this Frumplecharacter will be able to restore my powers. That'd takeyou off the hotseat."
"I guess so," I said without enthusiasm.
He had raised this point several times since learningabout Frumple. Each time he did, it gave me the samefeeling of discomfort.
"Something bothering you, kid?" Aahz asked, cocking his head at me.
"Well . . . it's . . . Aahz, if you do get your powersback, will you still want me as an apprentice?"
"Is that what's been eating at you?" he seemed genuinely surprised. "Of course I'll still want you. Whatkind of a magician do you think I am? I don't choosemy apprentices lightly."
"You wouldn't feel I was a burden?"
"Maybe at first, but not now. You were in at the startof this Isstvan thing; you earned the right to be in on theend of it."
Truth to tell, I wasn't all that eager to be there whenAahz confronted Isstvan, but that seemed to be theprice I would have to pay if I was going to continue myassociation with Aahz.
"Urn ... Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"Just one more question?"
"Promise?"
"How's that?"
"Nothing. What's the question, kid."
"If you get your powers back, and I'm still your apprentice, which dimension will we live in?"
"Hmm. To be honest, kid, I hadn't really given itmuch thought. Tell ya what, we'll burn that bridgewhen we come to it, okay?"
"Okay, Aahz."
I tried to get my mind off the question. Maybe Aahzwas right. No sense worrying about the problem untilwe knew for sure it existed. Maybe he wouldn't get hispowers back. Maybe I'd get to be the one to fight Isstvan after all. Terrific.
"Hey! Watch the beast, kid!"
Aahz's voice broke my train of thought. We wereleading the war unicorn between us, and the beast chosethis moment to act up.
It nickered and half-reared, then planted its feet andtossed its head.
"Steady ... ow!"
Aahz extended a hand trying to seize its bridle andreceived a solid rap on the forearm from the unicorn'shorn for his trouble.
"Easy, Buttercup," I said soothingly. "There's agood boy."
The beast responded to my coaxings, first by settlingdown, pawing the ground nervously, then finally byrubbing his muzzle against me.
Though definitely a friendly gesture, this is not thesafest thing to have a unicorn do to you. I ducked nim-bly under his swinging horn and cast about me quickly.Snatching an orange flower from a nearby bush, I fed itto him at an arm's length. He accepted the offering andbegan to munch it contentedly.
"I don't think that beast likes demons," Aahz grumbled sullenly, rubbing his bruised arm.
"It stands to reason," I retorted. "I mean, he was ademon hunter's mount, you know."
"Seems to take readily enough to you, though,"Aahz observed. "Are you sure you're not a virgin?""Certainly not," I replied in my most injured tones.Actually I was, but I would have rather been fed tovampire-slugs than admit it to Aahz.
"Speaking of demon hunters, you'd better check onour friend there," Aahz suggested. "It could get a bitgrisly if an arm or something broke off before we gotaround to restoring him."
I hastened to comply. We had rigged a drag-litter forthe Quigley-statue to avoid having to load and unloadhim each night, not to mention escaping the chore ofsaddling and unsaddling the war unicorn. The bulk ofthe gear and armor was sharing the drag-litter with theQuigley-statue, a fact which seemed to make the unicorn immensely happy. Apparently it was far easier todrag all that weight than to carry it on one's back."He seems to be okay, Aahz." I reported.
"Good," he sneered. "I'd hate to think of anythinghappening to him, accidental-like."
Aahz was still not happy with our traveling companions. He had only grudgingly given in to my logicfor bringing them along as opposed to leaving thembehind. I had argued that they could be of potentialassistance in dealing with the Deveel, or at least when wehad our final showdown with Isstvan.
In actuality, that wasn't my reasoning at all. I felt abit guilty about having set Quigley up to get clobberedby the Imps and didn't want to see any harm befall himbecause of it.
"It would make traveling a lot easier if we restoredhim," I suggested hopefully.
"Forget it, kid."
"But Aahz...."
"I said forget it! In case you've forgotten, that particular gentleman's major pastime seems to consist ofseeking out and killing demons. Now I'm aware my winning personality may have duped you into overlookingthe fact, but I am a demon. As such, I am not about toaccept a living, breathing, and most importantly, functioning demon hunter as a traveling companion."
"We fooled him before!" I argued.
"Not on a permanent basis. Besides, when would youpractice your magik if he was restored? Until we meetwith the Deveel, you're still our best bet against Isstvan."
I wished he would stop mentioning that. It made meincredibly uncomfortable when he did. Besides, Icouldn't think of a good argument to it.
"I guess you're right, Aahz," I admitted.
"You'd better believe I'm right. Incidentally, sincewe seem to be stopped anyway, this is as good a time asany for your next lesson."
My spirits lifted. Besides my natural eagerness to ex-tend my magical abilities, Aahz's offer contained an implied statement that he was pleased with my progress sofar in earlier lessons.
"Okay, Aahz," I said, looping the unicorn's reinsaround a nearby bush. "I'm ready."
"Good," smiled Aahz, rubbing his hands together."Today we're going to teach you to fly."
My spirits fell again.
"Fly?" I asked.
"That's what I said, kid. Fly. Exciting, isn't it?"
"Why?"
"Whadya mean, why? Ever since we first cast jealouseyes on the creatures of the air we've wanted to fly. Nowyou're getting a chance to learn. That's why it's exciting!"
"I meant, why should I want to learn to fly?"
"Well... because everybody wants to fly."
"I don't," I said emphatically.
"Why not?"
"I'm afraid of heights, for one thing," I answered.
"That isn't enough reason to not learn," Aahz
scowled.
"Well, I haven't heard any reasons yet as to why Ishould." I scowled back at him.
"Look, kid," Aahz began coaxingly, "It isn't somuch flying as floating on air."
"The distinction escapes me," I said dryly.
"Okay, kid. Let me put it to you this way. You're myapprentice, right?"
"Right," I agreed suspiciously.
"Well, I'm not going to have an apprentice that can'tfly! Get me!?" he roared.
"All right, Aahz. How does it work?" I knew when Iwas beaten.
"That's better. Actually it doesn't involve anythingyou don't already know. You know how to levitate objects, right?"
I nodded slowly, puzzled.
"Well, all flying is is levitating yourself."
"How's that again?"
"Instead of standing firm on the ground and liftingan object, you push against the ground with your willand lift yourself."
"But if I'm not touching the ground, where do I drawmy power from?"
"From the air! C'mon, kid, you're a magician, not anelemental."
"What's an elemental?"
"Forget it. What I meant was you aren't bound toany of the four elements, you're a magician. You control them, or at least influence them and draw yourpower from them. When you're flying, all you have todo is draw your power from the air instead of theground."
"If you say so, Aahz," I said doubtfully.
"Okay, first locate a force line."
"But we left it when we started off to see the Deveel,"I argued.
"Kid, there are lots of force lines. Just because we leftone of the ground force lines doesn't mean we're completely out of touch. Check for a force line in the air."
"In the air?"
"Believe me, kid. Check."
I sighed and closed my eyes. Turning my face sky-ward, I tried to picture the two-headed spear. At first Icouldn't do it, then realized with a start I was seeing aspear, but a different spear. It wasn't as bright as thelast spear had been, but glowed softly with icy blues andwhites.
"I think I've got one, Aahz!" I gasped.
"It's blue and white, right?" Aahz sneered sarcastically.
"Yes, but it's not as bright as the last one."
"It's probably further away. Oh well, it's closeenough for you to draw energy from. Well, give it a try,kid. Hook into that force line and push the groundaway. Slowly now."
I did as I was instructed, reaching out with my mindto tap the energies of that icy vision. The surge of powerI felt was unlike any I had experienced before. Whereasbefore when I summoned the power I felt warm andswollen with power, this time I felt cool and relaxed.The power flow actually made me feel lighter.
"Push away, kid," came Aahz's voice. "Gently!"
Lazily I touched the ground with my mind, onlycasually aware of the curious sensation of not physicallyfeeling anything with my feet.
"Open your eyes, kid! Adjust your trim."
Aahz's voice came to me from a strange location thistime. Surprised, my eyes popped open.
I was floating some ten feet above the ground at anangle that was rapidly drifting toward a horizontal position. I was flying!
The ground came at me in a rush. I had one momentof dazed puzzlement before it slammed into me with jarring reality.
I lay there for a moment forcing air back into mylungs and wondering if I had broken anything.
"Are you okay, kid?" Aahz was suddenly loomingover me.' 'What happened anyway?''
"I... I was flying!" I forced the words at last.
"Yeah, so? Oh, I get it. You were so surprised youforgot to maintain the energy flow, right?"
I nodded, unable to speak.
"Of all the dumb ... look, kid, when I tell you you'regoing to fly, believe it!"
"But. . . ."
"Don't 'but' me! Either you believe in me as ateacher or you don't! There's no buts about it!"
"I'm sorry, Aahz." I was getting my breath backagain.
"Ahh . . . didn't mean to jump on you like that, kid,but you half scared me to death with that fall. You'vegot to understand we're starting to get into some prettypowerful magik now. You've got to expect them towork. A surprise-break like that last one with the wrongthing could get you killed, or me for that matter."
"I'll try to remember, Aahz. Shall I try it again?"
"Just take it easy for a few minutes, kid. Flying cantake a lot out of you, even without the fall."
I closed my eyes and waited for my head to stopwhirling.
"Aahz? "I said finally.
"Yeah, kid?"
"Tell me about Perv."
"What about it?"
"It just occurred to me, those Imps seemed scared todeath when they realized you were a Pervect. What kindof a reputation does your dimension have?"
"Well," he began, "Perv is a self-sufficient, stand-offish dimension. We may not have the best fighters,but they're close enough that other dimension travelersgive them lots of room. Technology and magik exist sideby side and are intertwined with each other. All in all itmakes a pretty powerful little package."
"But why should anyone be afraid of that?"
"As I said, Perv has a lot going for it. One of the sideeffects of success is an abundance of hangers-on. Therewas a time when we were close to being swamped withrefugees and immigrants from other dimensions. Whenthey got to be too much of a nuisance, we put a stop toit."
"How?" I pushed.
"First, we took the non-contributing outsiders andran 'em out. Then, for an added measure of insurance,we encouraged the circulation of rumors of certain anti-social attitudes of Pervects toward those from otherdimensions."
"What kind of rumors?"
"Oh, the usual. That we eat our enemies, torturefolks for amusement and have sexual practices that areconsidered dubious by any dimension's standards.Folks aren't sure how much is truth and how much isexaggeration, but they're none too eager to find outfirsthand."
"How much of it is true, Aahz?" I asked proppingmyself up on one elbow.
He grinned evilly at me.
"Enough to keep 'em honest."
I was going to ask what it took to be considered a contributing immigrant, but decided to let it pass for awhile.
"One of the joys of travel is visiting new
towns and meeting new people."
G. KHAN
"AH! What a shining example of civilization!" chortledAahz exuberantly as he peered about him, delighted as achild on his first outing.
We were sauntering casually down one of the lesserused streets of Twixt. Garbage and beggars were strewncasually about while beady rodent eyes, human and in-human, studied us from the darkened doors and windows. It was a cluster of buildings crouched around anarmy outpost which was manned more from habit thannecessity. The soldiers we occasionally encountered haddegenerated enough from the crisp recruiting postermodel that it was frequently difficult to tell whichseemed more menacing and unsavory, the guards or theobviously criminal types they were watching.
"If you ask me, it looks more like mankind at itsworst!" I mumbled darkly.
"That's what I said, a shining example of civilization!"
There wasn't much I could say to that, not feeling likegetting baited into another one of Aahz's philosophicallectures.
"Aahz, is it my imagination or are people staring atus?"
"Relax, kid. In a town like this the citizens will al-ways instinctively size up a stranger. They're trying toguess if we're victims or victimizers. Our job is to makesure they think we're in the second category."
To illustrate his point he suddenly whirled andcrouched like a cat, glaring back down the street with ahand on his sword hilt.
There was sudden movement at the windows and
doorways as roughly a dozen half-seen forms meltedback into the darkness.
One figure didn't move. A trollop leaning on a win-dowsill, her arms folded to display her ill-coveredbreasts, smiled invitingly at him. He smiled and waved.She ran an insolent tongue tip slowly around her lip andwinked broadly.
"Um...Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?" he replied, without taking his eyesfrom the girl.
"I hate to interrupt, but you're supposed to be a doddering old man, remember?"
Aahz was still disguised as Garkin, a fact whichseemed to have momentarily slipped his mind.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I guess you're right, kid. It
doesn't seem to bother anybody else though. Maybethey're used to feisty old men in this town."
"Well, could you at least stop going for your sword?That's supposed to be our surprise weapon."
Aahz was wearing the assassin's cloak now, which hequickly pulled forward again to hide his sword.
"Will you get off my back, kid? Like I said, nobodyseems to be paying any attention."
"Nobody?" I jerked my head pointedly toward thegirl in the window.
"Her? She's not paying any more attention to us thanshe is anyone else on the street."
"Really?"
"Well, if she is, it's more because of you than becauseof me."
"Me? C'mon,Aahz."
"Don't forget, kid, you're a pretty impressive personnow."
I blinked. That hadn't occurred to me. I had forgottenI was disguised as Quigley now.
We had hidden the demon hunter just outside of town.. . well, actually we buried him. I had been shocked bythe suggestion at first, but as Aahz pointed out, thestatue didn't need any air and it was the only surefireway we had of ensuring he wouldn't be found by anyoneelse.
Even the war unicorn following us, now fully saddledand armored, did not help me keep my new identity inmind. We had been traveling together too long now.
I suppose I should have gotten some satisfaction fromthe fact I could now maintain not only one, but twodisguises without consciously thinking about it. I didn't.I found it unnerving that I had to remember otherpeople were seeing me differently than I was seeingmyself.
I shot a glance at the trollop. As our eyes met, hersmile broadened noticeably. She displayed her increasedenthusiasm by leaning further out of the window until Ibegan to worry about her falling out... of the windowor her dress.
"What did I tell you, kid!" Aahz slapped me enthusiastically on the shoulder and winked lewdly.
"I'd rather she was attracted to me for me as I reallyam," I grumbled darkly.
"The price of success, kid," Aahz responded philosophically. "Well, no matter. We're here on business,remember?"
"Right," I said firmly.
I turned to continue our progress, and succeeded onlyin whacking Aahz soundly in the leg with my sword.
"Hey .'Watch it, kid!"
It seemed there was more to this sword-carrying thanmet the casual eye.
"Sorry, Aahz," I apologized. "This thing's a bitpoint-heavy."
"Yeah? How would you know?" my comrade retorted.
"Well... you said...."
"I said? That won't do it, kid. What's point-heavyfor me may not be point-heavy for you. Weapon balance is a personal thing."
"Well ... I guess I'm just not used to wearing asword," I admitted.
"It's easy. Just forget you're wearing it. Think of itas part of you."
"I did. That's when I hit you."
"Hmm ... we'll go into it more later."
Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see thetrollop. She clapped her hands in silent applause andblew me a kiss. I suddenly realized she thought I haddeliberately hit Aahz, a premeditated act to quell a rival.What's more, she approved of the gesture.
I looked at her again, more closely this time. Maybelater I would give Aahz the slip for a while and....
"We've got to find Frumple." Aahz's voice interrupted my wandering thoughts.
"Hmm ... ? Oh. How, Aahz?"
"Through guile and cunning. Watch this, kid."
So saying, he shot a quick glance up and down thestreet. A pack of three urchins had just rounded thecorner, busily engaged in a game of keep-away with oneof the group's hat.
"Hey!" Aahz hailed them. "Where can I find theshop of Abdul the Rug Dealer?"
"Two streets up and five to the left," they calledback, pointing the direction.
"See, kid? That wasn't hard."
"Terrific," I responded, unimpressed.
"Now what's wrong, kid?"
"I thought we were trying to avoid unnecessary attention."
"Don't worry, kid."
"Don't worry!? We're on our way to meet a Deveelon a supposedly secret mission, and you seem to be determined to make sure everybody we see notices us and knows where we're going."
"Look, kid, how does a person normally act whenthey come into a new town?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "I haven't been in thatmany towns."
"Well, let me sketch it out for you. They want to benoticed. They carry on and make lots of noise. Theystare at the women and wave at people they've neverseen before."
"But that's what we've been doing."
"Right! Now do you understand?"
"No."
Aahz heaved an exasperated sigh.
"C'mon, kid. Think a minute, even if it hurts. We'reacting like anyone else would walking into a strangetown, so nobody will look at us twice. They won't payany more attention to us than they would any othernewcomer. Now if we followed your suggestion andcame skulking into town, not talking to anyone or looking at anything, and tried real hard not to be noticed,then everyone and his kid brother would zero in on ustrying to figure out what we were up to. Now do youunderstand?"
"I... I think so."
"Good ... cause there's our target."
I blinked and looked in the direction of his pointingfinger. There squatting between a blacksmith's forgeand a leatherworker's displays was the shop. As I said, Iwas new to city life, but I would have recognized it as arug merchant's shop even if it was not adorned with alarge sign proclaiming it such. The entire front of theshop was lavishly decorated with colorful geometric patterns apparently meant to emulate the patterns of therugs inside. I guess it was intended to look rich andprosperous. I found it unforgivably gaudy.
I had been so engrossed in our conversation, I hadmomentarily forgotten our mission. With the shop nowconfronting us at close range, however, my nervousnesscame back in a rush.
"What are we going to do, Aahz?"
92 Robert Asprin
"Well, first of all I think I'm going to get a drink."
"A drink?"
"Right. If you think I'm going to match wits with aDeveel on an empty stomach, you've got another thinkcoming."
"A drink?" I repeated, but Aahz was gone, stridingpurposefully toward a nearby tavern. There was littlefor me to do but follow, leading the unicorn.
The tavern was a dingy affair, even to my rustic eye.A faded awning sullenly provided shade for a smallcluster of scarred wooden tables. Flies buzzed around acat sleeping on one of the tables ... at least I like toassume it was asleep.
As I tied the unicorn to one of the awning supports, Icould hear Aahz bellowing at the innkeep for two of hislargest flagons of wine. I sighed, beginning to despairthat Aahz would never fully adapt to his old-man disguise. The innkeep did not seem to notice any irregular-ity between Aahz's appearance and his drinking habits,however. It occurred to me that Aahz might be right inhis theories of how to go unnoticed. City people seemedto be accustomed to loud rude individuals of any age.
"Sit down, kid," Aahz commanded. "You're making me nervous hovering around like that.''
"I thought we were going to talk with the Deveel," Igrumbled, sinking into a chair.
"Relax, kid. A few minutes one way or the otherwon't make that much difference. Besides, look!"
A young, well-dressed couple was entering the rugshop.
"See? We couldn't have done any business anyway.At least not until they left. The kind of talk we're goingto have can't be done in front of witnesses. Ahh!"
The innkeeper had arrived, clinking the two flagonsof wine down on the table in a lackluster manner.
"About time!" Aahz commented, seizing a flagon ineach hand and immediately draining one. "Aren't yougoing to have anything, kid?"
A toss of his head and the second flagon was gone.
"While my friend here makes up his mind, bring me
two more . . . and make them decent sizes this time ifyou have to use a bucket!"
The innkeep retreated, visibly shaken. I wasn't. I hadalready witnessed Aahz's capacity for alcohol, astounding in an era noted for heavy drinkers. What did vex mea bit was that the man had departed without taking myorder.
I did eventually get my flagon of wine, only to findmy stomach was too nervous to readily accept it. As aresult, I wound up sipping it slowly. Not so Aahz. Hecontinued to belt them down at an alarming rate. Forquite some time he drank. In fact, we sat for nearly anhour, and there was still no sign of the couple who hadentered the shop.
Finally, even Aahz began to grow impatient.
"I wonder what's taking them so long," he grumbled.
"Maybe they're having trouble making up their
mind," I suggested.
"C'mon, kid. The shop's not that big. He can't havetoo large a selection."
He downed the last of his wine and stood up.
"We've waited long enough," he declared. "Let's getthis show on the road."
"But what about the couple?" I reminded him.
"We'll just have to inspire them to conclude theirbusiness with a bit more speed."
That had a vaguely ominous ring to it, and Aahz'stoothy grin was additional evidence that something unpleasant was about to happen.
I was about to try to dissuade him, but he startedacross the street with a purposeful stride that left mestanding alone.
I hurried to catch up with him, leaving the unicornbehind in my haste. Even so, I was unable to overtakehim before he had entered the shop.
I plunged after him, fearing the worst. I needn't haveworried. Except for the proprietor, the shop was empty.There was no sign of the couple anywhere.
"First impressions are of major importance
in business matters."
J. PlERPONTFlNCH
"MAY I help you, gentlemen?"
The proprietor's rich robes did not successfully hidehis thinness. I am not particularly muscular ... asSkeeve, that is ... but I had the impression that if Istruck this man, he wouldn't bruise, he'd shatter. Imean, I've seen skinny men before, but he seemed to bea skeleton with a too-small skin stretched over thebones.
"We'd like to talk with Abdul." Aahz said loftily.
"I am he, and he is I," recited the proprietor. "Yousee before you Abdul, a mere shadow of a man, pushedto the brink of starvation by his clever customers."
"You seem to be doing all right for yourself," I murmured, looking about me.
The shop was well stocked, and even my untraveledeye could readily detect the undeniable signs of wealthabout. The rugs were delicately woven in soft fabricsunfamiliar to me, and gold and silver shone from thedepths of their designs. Obviously these rugs were intended for the wealthy, and it seemed doubtful theircurrent owner would be suffering from a lack of comfort.
"Ann. Therein lies the tale of my foolishness," criedthe proprietor wringing his hands. "In my blind confidence, I sank my entire holdings into my inventory. Asa result, I starve in the midst of plenty. My customersknow this and rob me in my vulnerable times. I losemoney on every sale, but a man must eat."
"Actually," Aahz interrupted, "we're looking forsomething in a deep shag wall-to-wall carpet."
"What's that? ... I mean, do not confuse poor
Abdul so, my humble business...."
"Come off it, Abdul ... or should I say Frumple."Aahz grinned his widest grin. "We know who you areand what you are. We're here to do a little business."
At his words, the proprietor moved with a swiftness Iwould not have suspected him capable of. He was at thedoor in a bound, throwing a bolt and lowering a curtainwhich seemed to be of a substance even more strange than that of his rugs.
"Where'd you learn your manners!" he snarled backover his shoulder in a voice quite unlike the one used bythe whiney proprietor. "I've got to live in this town, you know."
"Sorry," Aahz said, but he didn't sound at all apologetic.
"Well, watch it next time you come barging in andstart throwing my name around. People here are notparticularly tolerant of strange beings or happenings."
He seemed to be merely grumbling to himself, so Iseized the opportunity to whisper to Aahz.
"Psst. Aahz. What's a wall-to-wall...."
"Later, kid."
"You!" The proprietor seemed to see me for the firsttime. "You're the statue! I didn't recognize you mov-ing."
"Well...!...."
"I should have known," he raved on. "Deal withImps and you invite trouble. Next thing you knowevery...."
He broke off suddenly and eyed us suspiciously. Hishand disappeared into the folds and emerged with aclear crystal. He held it up and looked through it like aneye glass, scrutinizing us each in turn.
"I should have known," he spat. "Would you be sokind as to remove your disguises? I like to know whoI'm doing business with."
I glanced at Aahz who nodded in agreement.
Closing my eyes, I began to effect the change to ournormal appearance. I had enough time to wonder ifFrumple would wonder about my transformation, if herealized I was actually a different person than the statuehe had seen earlier. I needn't have worried.
"A Pervert!" Frumple managed to make the word
sound slimy.
"That's Pervect if you want to do business with us,"Aahz corrected.
"It's Pervert until I see the color of your money,"Frumple sneered back.
I was suddenly aware he was studying me carefully.
"Say, you wouldn't by any chance be an Imp namedThrockwoddle, would you?"
"Me? No! I... I'm...."
But he was already squinting at me through thecrystal again.
"Hmph," he grunted, tucking his viewer back in hisrobe. "I guess you're okay. I'd love to get my hands onthat Throckwoddle, though. He's been awfully freespreading my name around lately."
"Say, Frumple," Aahz interjected. "You aren't theonly one who likes to see who he's doing business with,you know."
"Hm? Oh! Very well, if you insist."
I expected him to close his eyes and go to work, butinstead he dipped a hand into his robe again. This timehe produced what looked like a small hand mirror withsome sort of a dial on the back. Peering into the mirror,he began to gently turn the dial with his fingers.
The result was immediate and startling. Not merelyhis face, but his whole body began to change, fillingout, and taking on a definite reddish hue. As I watched,his brows thickened and grew closer together, his beardline crept up his face as if it were alive, and his eyes narrowed cruelly. Almost as an afterthought, I noted thathis feet were now shiny cloven hooves and the tip of apointed tail appeared at the bottom hem of his robe.
In an impressively short period of time, he had transformed into a ... well, a devil!
Despite all my preparations, I felt the prickle of su-perstitious fear as he put away the mirror and turned to
us again.
"Are you happy now?" he grumbled at Aahz.
"It's a start," Aahz conceded.
"Enough banter," Frumple was suddenly animatedagain. "What brings a Pervert to Klah? Slumming?And where does the kid fit in?"
"He's my apprentice," Aahz informed him.
"Really?" Frumple swept me with a sympathetic
gaze. "Are things really that tough, kid? Maybe wecould work something out."
"He's quite happy with the situation," interruptedAahz. "Now let's get to our problem."
"You want me to cure the kid's insanity?"
"Huh? No. C'mon, Frumple. We came here on business. Let's declare a truce for a while, okay?"
"If you insist. It'll seem strange, though; Pervertsand Deveels have never really gotten along."
"That's Pervects!"
"See what I mean?"
"Aahz!" I interrupted. "Could you just tell him?""Hmm? Oh. Right, kid. Look, Frumple. We've got aproblem we were hoping you could help us with. Yousee, I've lost my powers."
"What!?" exploded Frumple. "You came here without the magical ability to protect yourself against beingfollowed? That tears it. I spend seven years building acomfortable front here, and some idiot comes along and...."
"Look, Frumple. We told you the kid here's my apprentice. He knows more than enough to cover us."
"A half-trained apprentice! He's trusting my life andsecurity to a half-trained apprentice!"
"You seem to be overlooking the fact we're alreadyhere. If anything was going to happen it would havehappened already."
"Every minute you two are here you're threateningmy existence."
"... which is all the more reason for you to deal withour problem immediately and stop this pointless breast-beating!"
The two of them glared at each other for a few moments, while I tried to be very quiet and unnoticeable.Frumple did not seem to be the right choice for someoneto pin our hopes on.
"Oh, all right!" Frumple grumbled at last. "Since Iprobably won't be rid of you any other way."
He strode to the wall and produced what looked like alength of rope from behind one of the rugs.
"That's more like it," Aahz said triumphantly.
"Sid down and shut up," ordered our host.
Aahz did as he was bid, and Frumple proceeded tocircle him. As he moved, the Deveel held the rope firstthis way, then that, sometimes looped in a circle, othertimes hanging limp. All the while he stared intently atthe ceiling as if reading a message written there in fineprint.
I didn't have the faintest idea what he was doing, butit was strangely enjoyable to watch someone order Aahzabout and get away with it.
"Hmm...." the Deveel said at last. "Yes, I think wecan say that your powers are definitely gone."
"Terrific!" Aahz growled. "Look, Frumple. We
didn't come all this way to be told something we alreadyknew. You Deveels are supposed to be able to do anything. Well, do something!"
"It's not that easy. Pervert!" Frumple snapped back."I need information. How did you lose your powers,anyway?"
"I don't know for sure," Aahz admitted. "I wassummoned to Klah by a magician and when I arrivedthey were gone."
"A magician? Which one?"
"Garkin."
"Garkin? He's a mean one to cross. Why don't youjust get him to restore your powers instead of getting me
involved?"
"Because he's dead. Is that reason enough for you?"
"Hmm ... that makes it difficult."
"Are you saying you can't do anything?" Aahz
sneered. "I should have known. I always thought thereputation of the Deveels was overrated."
"Look, Pervert! Do you want my help or not? I
didn't say I couldn't do anything, just that it would be
difficult."
"That's more like it," Aahz chortled. "Let's get
started."
"Not so fast," interrupted Frumple. "I didn't say I
would help you, just that I could."
"I see," sneered Aahz. "Here it comes, kid. Theprice tag. I told you they were shake-down artists."
"Actually," the Deveel said dryly, "I was thinking ofthe time factor. It would take a while for me to make mypreparations, and I believe I've made my feelings quiteclear about you staying here longer than is absolutelynecessary."
"In that case," smiled Aahz, "I suggest you getstarted. I believe I've made my feelings quite clear thatwe intend to stay here until the cure is effected."
"In that case," the Deveel smiled back at him, "Ibelieve you raised the matter of cost. How much do youhave with you?"
"Well, we have...." I began.
"That strikes me as being unimportant," Aahz glaredwarningly at me. "Suppose you tell us how much youfeel is a fair price for your services."
Frumple graced him with one withering glare beforesinking thoughtfully into his calculations.
"Hmm . . . material cost is up ... and of course,
there's my time ... and you did call without an appoint-ment ... let's say it would cost you, just as a rough estimate, mind you, oh, in the neighborhood of... Say!"
He suddenly brightened and smiled at us.
"Maybe you'd be willing to work this as a trade. Icure you, and you do me a little favor.''
"What kind of a favor?" Aahz asked suspiciously.
For once I was in complete agreement with him.Something in Frumple's voice did not inspire confidence.
"A small thing, really," the Deveel purred. "Sort ofa decoy mission."
"We'd rather pay cash," I asserted firmly.
"Shut up, kid," Aahz advised. "What kind of a
decoy mission, Frumple?"
"You may have noticed the young couple who
entered my shop ahead of you. You did! Good. Thenyou have doubtless noticed they are not on the premisescurrently."
"How did they leave?" I asked curiously.
"I'll get to that in a moment," Frumple smiled."Anyway, theirs is an interesting if common story. I'llspare you the details, but in short, they're young loverskept apart by their families. In their desperation, theyturned to me for assistance. I obliged them by sendingthem to another dimension where they can be happyfree of their respective family's intervention."
"For a fee, of course," Aahz commented dryly.
"Of course," Frumple smiled.
"C'mon, Aahz," I chided. "It sounds like a decentthing to do, even if he was paid for it."
"Quite so!" beamed the Deveel. "You're quite per-ceptive for one so young. Anyway, my generosity hasleft me in a rather precarious position. As you have nodoubt noticed, I am quite concerned with my image inthis town. There is a chance that image may be threatened if the couple's relatives succeed in tracking themto my shop and no farther."
"That must have been some fee," Aahz mumbled.
"Now my proposition is this: in exchange for my assistance, I would ask that you two disguise yourselves asthat couple and lay a false trail away from my shop."
"How much of a false trail?" I asked.
"Oh. it needn't be anything elaborate. Just be seenleaving town by enough townspeople to ensure that attention will be drawn away from my shop. Once out ofsight of town, you can change to any disguise you likeand return here. By that time, my preparations for yourcure should be complete. Well, what do you say? Is it adeal?"
"The secret to winning the support of large
groups of people is positive thinking."
N. BONAPARTE
"PEOPLE are staring at us, Aahz."
"Relax, kid. They're supposed to be staring at us."
To illustrate his point, he nodded and waved to a knotof glowering locals. They didn't wave back.
"I don't see why I have to be the girl," I grumbled.
"We went through that before, kid. You walk morelike a girl than I do."
"That's what you and Frumple decided. I don't thinkI walk like a girl at all!"
"Well. let's say I walk less like a girl than you do."
It was hard to argue with logic like that, so I changedsubjects.
"Couldn't we at least travel by less populatedstreets?" I asked.
"Why?" countered Aahz.
"Well, I'm not too wild about having a lot of peopleseeing me when I'm masquerading as a girl."
"C'mon, kid. The whole idea is that no one wouldrecognize you. Besides, you don't know anybody in thistown. Why should you care what they think of you?"
"I just don't like it, that's all," I grumbled.
"Not good enough," Aahz asserted firmly. "Beingseen is part of our deal with Frumple. If you had anyobjections you should have said so before we closed thenegotiations."
"I never got a chance," I pointed out. "But since thesubject's come up, I do have a few questions."
"Such as?"
"Such as what are we doing?"
"Weren't you paying attention, kid? We're laying afalse trail for...."
"I know that," I interrupted. "What I mean is, whyarc we doing what we're doing? Why are we doingFrumple a favor instead of just paying his price?"
"You wouldn't ask that if you'd ever dealt with aDeveel before," Aahz snorted. "Their prices are sky-high, especially in a case like ours when they know thecustomer is desperate. Just be thankful we got such agood deal."
"That's what I mean, Aahz. Are we sure we've gottena good deal?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, from what I've been told, if you think you'vegotten a good deal from a Deveel, it usually meansyou've overlooked something."
"Of course you speak from a wide range of experience," Aahz sneered sarcastically. "Who told you somuch about dealing with Deveels?"
"You did," I said pointedly.
"Hmmm. You're right, kid. Maybe I have been a
little hasty."
Normally I would have been ecstatic over havingAahz admit I was right. Somehow, however, in the current situation, it only made me feel that much more uncomfortable.
"So what are we going to do?" I asked.
"Well, normally I deal honestly unless I think I'mbeing double-crossed. This time, however, you've raisedsufficient doubt in my mind that I think we should bendthe rules a little."
"Situational ethics again?"
"Right!"
"So what do we do?"
"Start looking for a relatively private place where wecan dump these disguises without being noticed."
I began scanning the streets and alleys ahead of us.My uneasiness was growing into panic, and it lent intensity to my search.
"I wish we had our weapons along," I muttered.
"Listen to him," Aahz jeered. "It wasn't that longago you were telling me all about how magicians don'tneed weapons. C'mon, kid. What would you do with aweapon if you had one?"
"If you want to get specific," I said dryly, "I waswishing you had a weapon."
"Oh! Good point. Say ... ah ... kid? Are you stilllooking for a private place?"
"Yeah, I've got a couple possibles spotted."
"Well forget it. Start looking for something wideopen with a lot of exits."
"Why the change in strategy," I asked.
"Take a look over your shoulder... casual like."
I did as I was bid, though it was not as casual as itmight have been. It turned out my acting ability was theleast of our worries.
There was a crowd of people following us. Theyglared at us darkly and muttered to themselves. Iwanted very badly to believe we were not the focus oftheir attention, but it was obvious that was not the case.They were clearly following us, and gathering membersas they went.
"We're being followed, Aahz!" I whispered.
"Hey, kid. I pointed them out to you, remember?"
"But why are they following us? What do they
want?"
"Well, I don't know for sure, of course, but I'd guessit has something to do with our disguises."
I snuck another glance at the crowd. The interest in usdid not seem to be lessening at all. If anything, thecrowd was even bigger and looked even angrier. Terrific.
"Say, Aahz?" I whispered.
"Yeah, kid?"
"If they're after us because of our disguises, whydon't we just change back?"
"Bad plan, kid. I'd rather run the risk of them havingsome kind of grudge against the people we're imper-sonating than facing up to the consequences if theyfound out we were magicians."
"So what do we do?"
"We keep walking and hope we run into a patrol ofsoldiers that can offer us some protection."
A fist-sized rock thudded into the street ahead of us,presumably thrown by one of the people following us.
"... or. ..." Aahz revised hastily, "we can stopright now and find out what this is all about."
"We could run," I suggested hopefully, but Aahzwas already acting on his earlier suggestion.
He stopped abruptly and spun on his heel to face thecrowd.
"What is the meaning of this?" he roared at the advancing multitude.
The crowd lurched to a halt before the direct address,those in the rear colliding with those in front who hadalready stopped. They seemed a bit taken aback byAahz's action and milled about without direction.
I was pleasantly surprised at the success of my companion's maneuver, but Aahz was never one to leavewell enough alone.
"Well?" he demanded, advancing on them. "I'm
waiting for an explanation."
For a moment the crowd gave ground before his approach. Then an angry voice rang out from somewherein the back.
"We want to know about our money!"
That opened the door.
"Yeah! What about our money?!"
The cry was taken up by several other voices, and thecrowd began to growl and move forward again.
Aahz stood his ground and held up a hand commanding silence.
"What about your money?" he demanded haughtily.
"Oh, no, you don't," came a particularly menacingvoice. "You aren't going to talk your way out of it thistime!"
A massive bald man brandishing a butcher's cleavershouldered his way through the crowd to confrontAahz.
"My good man," Aahz sniffed. "If you're implying. ..."
"I'm implying nothing!" The man growled. "I'm
saying it flat out. You and that trollop of yours arecrooks!"
"Now, aren't you being just a bit hasty in...."
"Hasty!" the man bellowed. "Hasty! Mister, we'vealready been too patient with you. We should have runyou out of town when you first showed up with yourphoney anti-demon charms. That's right, I said phoney!Some of us knew it from the start. Anyone with a littleeducation knows there's no such things as demons."
For a moment I was tempted to let Aahz's disguisedrop. Then I looked at the crowd again and decidedagainst it. It wasn't a group to joke with.
"Now, some folks bought the charms because theywere gullible, some as a gag, some of us because . . .well, because everyone else was buying them. But we allbought them, just like we bought your story that theyhad to be individually made and you needed the moneyin advance."
"That was all explained at the time," Aahz protested.
"Sure it was. You're great at explanations. You explained it just like you explained away those two timeswe caught you trying to leave town."
"Well... we ... uh," Aahz began.
"Actually," I interrupted, "we were only...."
"Well, we've had enough of your explanations.
That's what we told you three days ago when we gaveyou two days to either come up with the charms or giveus our money back."
"But these things take time...."
"You've used up that excuse. Your time was up yes-terday. Now do we get our money, or...."
"Certainly, certainly," Aahz raised his hands
soothingly.
"Just give me a moment to speak with my colleague."
He smiled at the crowd as he took me by the arm anddrew me away.
"What are we going to do, Aahz?"
"Now we run," he said calmly.
"Huh?" I asked intelligently.
I was talking to thin air. Aahz was already legging itspeedily down the street.
I may be slow at times, but I'm not that slow. In aflash I was hot on his heels.
Unfortunately, the crowd figured out what Aahz wasup to about the same time I did. With a howl they wereafter us.
Surprisingly, I overtook Aahz. Either he was holdingback so I could catch up, or I was more scared than Ithought, which is impossible.
"Now what?" I panted.
"Shut up and keep running, kid," Aahz barked,
ducking around a knot of people.
"They're gaining on us," I pointed out.
Actually, the group we had just passed had joined thepursuit, but it had the same effect as if the crowd wasgaining.
"Will you knock it off and help me look?" Aahzgrowled.
"Sure. What are we looking for?"
"A couple dressed roughly like us," he replied.
"What do we do if we see them?"
"Simple," Aahz replied. "We plow into them fulltilt, you swap our features for theirs, and we let the mobtear them apart."
"That doesn't sound right somehow," I said doubtfully.
"Kid, remember what I told you about situationalethics?"
"Yeah."
"Well, this is one of those situations."
I was convinced, though not so much by Aahz's logicas by the rock that narrowly missed my head. I don'tknow how the crowd managed to keep its speed and stillpick up things to throw, but it did.
I began watching for a couple dressed like us. It'sharder than it sounds when you're at a dead run with amob at your heels.
Unfortunately, there was no one in sight who cameclose to fitting the bill. Whomever it was we were imper-sonating seemed to be fairly unique in their dress.
"I wish I had a weapon with me," Aahz complained.
"We've already gone through that," I called back."And besides, what would you do if you had one? Theonly thing we've got that might stop them is the firering."
"Hey! I'd forgotten about that," Aahz gasped. "I'vestill got it on."
"So what?" I asked. "We can't use it."
"Oh, yeah? Why not?"
"Because then they'd know we're magicians."
"That won't make any difference if they're dead."
Situational ethics or not, my stomach turned at thethought of killing that many people.
"Wait, Aahz! "I shouted.
"Watch this, kid." He grinned and pointed his handat them.
Nothing happened.
"A little help at the right time is better thana lot of help at the wrong time."
TEVYE
"C'MON, Aahz!" I shouted desperately, overturning afruit stand in the path of the crowd.
Now that it seemed my fellowhumans were safe fromAahz, my concern returned to making sure he was safefrom them.
"I don't believe it!" Aahz shouted, as he darted past.
"What?" I called, sprinting after him.
"In one day I believed both a Deveel and an Imp. Tellyou what, kid. If we get out of this, I give you my per-mission to kick me hard. Right in the rump, twice."
"It's a deal! "I panted.
This running was starting to tax my stamina. Unfortunately, the crowd didn't seem tired at all. That wasenough to keep me running.
"Look, kid!" Aahz was pointing excitedly. "We'resaved."
I followed his finger. A uniformed patrol was march-ing... well, sauntering down the street ahead of us.
"It's about time," I grumbled, but I was relievednonetheless.
The crowd saw the soldiers, too. Their cries increasedin volume as they redoubled their efforts to reach us.
"C'mon, kid! Step on it!" Aahz called. "We're notsafe yet."
"Step on what?" I asked, passing him.
Our approach to the patrol was noisy enough that bythe time we got there, the soldiers had all stopped mov-ing and were watching the chase. One of them, a bit lessunkempt than the others, had shouldered his way to thefront of the group and stood sneering at us with foldedarms. From his manners, I guessed he was an officer.There was no other explanation for the others allowinghim to act the way he was.
I skidded to a stop in front of him.
"We're being chased!" I panted.
"Really? "he smiled.
"Let me handle this, kid," Aahz mumbled, brushingme aside. "Are you the officer in charge, sir?"
" I am," the man replied.
"Well, it seems that these . . . citizens," he pointeddisdainfully at our pursuers, "intend us bodily harm. Ablatant disregard for your authority... sir!"
The mob was some ten feet distant and stood glaringalternately at us and the soldiers. I was gratified toobserve that at least some of them were breathing hard.
"I suppose you're right," the officer yawned. "Weshould take a hand in this."
"Watch this, kid," Aahz whispered, nudging me inthe ribs as the officer stepped forward to address thecrowd.
"All right. You all know it is against the law forcitizens to inflict injuries on each other," he began.
The crowd began to grumble darkly, but the officerwaved them into silence as he continued.
"I know, I know. We don't like it either. If it were upto us we'd let you settle your own differences and spendour time drinking. But it's not up to us. We have tofollow the laws the same way you do, and the laws sayonly the military can judge and punish the citizenry."
"See?" I whispered. "There are some advantages tocivilization."
"Shut up, kid," Aahz hissed back.
"So even though I know you'd love to beat these twoto a bloody pulp, we can't let you do it. They must behanged in accordance with the law!"
"What?"
I'm not sure if I said it, or Aahz, or if we cried out inunison. Whichever it was, it was nearly drowned out inthe enthusiastic roar of the crowd.
A soldier seized my wrists and twisted them painfullybehind my back. Looking about, I saw the same thinghad happened to Aahz. Needless to say, this was not thesupport we had been hoping for.
"What did you expect?" the officer sneered at us. "Ifyou wanted help from the military, you shouldn't haveincluded us on your list of customers. If we had had ourway, we would have strung you up a week ago. The onlyreason we held back was these yokels had given youextra time and we were afraid of a riot if we tried anything."
Our wrists were secured by thongs now. We wereslowly being herded toward a lone tree in front of one ofthe open-air restaurants.
"Has anyone got some rope?" the officer called tothe crowd.
Just our luck, somebody did. It was passed rapidly tothe officer, who began ceremoniously tying nooses.
"Psst! kid!" Aahz whispered.
"What now?" I mumbled bitterly.
My faith in Aahz's advice was at an all-time low.
"When they go to hang you, flyT"
"What?"
Despite myself, I was seized with new hope.
"C'mon, kid. Wake up! Fly. Like I taught you on thetrail."
"They'd just shoot me down."
"Not fly away, dummy. Just fly. Hover at the end ofthe rope and twitch. They'll think you're hanging."
I thought about it... hard. It might work, but... Inoticed they were tossing the nooses over a lower limbof the tree.
"Aahz! I can't do it. I can't levitate us both. I'm notthat good yet."
"Not both of us, kid. Just you. Don't worry aboutme."
"But... Aahz...."
"Keep my disguise up, though. If they figure out I'ma demon they'll burn the bodies ... both of them."
"But Aahz...."
We were out of time. Rough hands shoved us forwardand started fitting the nooses over our heads.
I realized with a start I had no time to think aboutAahz. I'd need all my concentration to save myself, ifthere was even time for that!
I closed my eyes and sought desperately for a forceline in the air. There was one there... faint, but there. Ibegan to focus on it.
The noose tightened around my neck and I felt myfeet leave the ground. I felt panic rising in me andforced it down.
Actually it was better this way. They should feelweight on the rope as they raised me. I concentrated onthe force line again . . . focus . . . draw the energies . . .
redirect them.
I felt a slight loosening of the noose. RememberingAahz's lectures on control, I held the energies rightthere and tried an experimental breath. I could get air!Not much, it was true, but enough to survive.
What else did I have to do? Oh yes, I had to twitch.I thought back to how a squirrel-badger acted whencaught in a snare.
I kicked my legs slightly and tried an experimentaltremor. It had the overall effect of tightening the noose.I decided to try another tactic. I let my head loll to oneside and extended my tongue out of the corner of mymouth.
It worked. There was a sudden increase in the volumeof the catcalls from the crowd to reward my efforts.
I held that pose.
My tongue was rapidly drying out, but I forced mymind away from it. To avoid involuntarily swallowing, Itried to think of other things.
Poor Aahz. For all his gruff criticism and claims ofnot caring for anyone else but himself, his last act had
been to think of my welfare. I promised myself thatwhen I got down from here....
What would happen when I got down from here?
What do they do with bodies in this town? Do they burythem? It occurred to me it might be better to hang thanbe buried alive.
"The law says they're supposed to hang there untilthey rot!"
The officer's voice seemed to answer my thoughts andbrought my mind back to the present.
"Well, they aren't hanging in front of the law'srestaurant!" came an angry voice in response.
"Tell you what. We'll come back at sundown and cutthem down."
"Sundown? Do you realize how much money I couldlose before sundown? Nobody wants to eat at a placewhere a corpse dangles its toes in his soup. I've alreadylost most of the lunch rush!"
"Hmm ... It occurs to me that if the day's businessmeans that much to you, you should be willing to sharea little of the profit."
"So that's the way it is, is it? Oh, very well. Here . . .for your troubles."
There was the sound of coins being counted out.
"That isn't very much. I have to share with my men,you know."
"You drive a hard bargain! I didn't know bandits hadofficers."
More coins were counted, accompanied by the officer's chuckle. It occurred to me that instead of studying magik, I should be devoting my time to bribes andgraft. It seemed to work better.
"Men!" the officer called. "Cut this carrion downand haul it out of town. Leave it at the city limits as awarning to anyone else who would seek to .cheat thecitizens of Twixt."
"You're too considerate." The restaurant owner'svoice was edged with sarcasm.
"Think nothing of it, citizen," the officer sneered.
I barely remembered to stop flying before they cut therope. I bit my tongue as I started into the ground, andrisked sneaking it back into my mouth. No one noticed.
Unseen hands grabbed me under the armpits and bythe ankles, and the journey began to the city limits.
Now that I knew I wasn't going to be buried, mythoughts returned to my future.
First, I would have to do something to Frumple.What, I wasn't sure, but something. I owed Aahz thatmuch. Maybe I could restore Quigley and enlist his aid.He was supposed to be a demon hunter. He was probably better equipped to handle a Deveel than I was.Then again, remembering Quigley, that might not be avalid assumption.
Then there was Isstvan. What was I going to do abouthim? I wasn't sure I could beat him with Aahz's help.Without it, I wouldn't stand a chance.
"This should be far enough. Shall we hang themagain?"
I froze at the suggestion. Fortunately the voice at myfeet had different ideas.
"Why bother? I haven't seen an officer yet who'dmove a hundred paces from a bar. Let's just dump 'emhere."
There was a general chorus of assent, and the nextminute I was flying through the air again. I tried to relaxfor the impact, but the ground knocked the wind out ofme again.
If I was going to continue my efforts to master flying,I'd have to devote more time to the art of forced land-ings.
I lay there motionless. I couldn't hear the soldiers anymore, but I didn't want to run the risk of sitting up andbetraying the fact I wasn't dead.
"Are you going to lay there all day or are you goingto help me get untied?"
My eyes flew open involuntarily. Aahz was sitting
there grinning down at me.
There was only one sensible thing to do, and I did it. Ifainted.
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as
taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby."
R. HOOD
"CAN we move now?" I asked.
"Not yet, kid. Wait until the lights have been out fora full day."
"You mean a full hour."
"Whatever. Now shut up and keep watching."
We were waiting in the dead-end alley across thestreet from Frumple's shop. Even though we were supposedly secure in our new disguises, I was uneasy beingback in the same town where I had been hung. It's ahard feeling to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Then too, it was strange being with Aahz afterI had gotten used to the idea of him being dead.
Apparently the neck muscles of a Pervect are considerably stronger than those of a human. Aahz hadsimply tensed those muscles and they provided sufficient support to keep the noose from cutting off his airsupply.
As a point of information, Aahz had further informed me that his scales provided better armor thanmost chain-mail or plate armor available in this dimension. I had heard once that demons could only bedestroyed by specially constructed weapons or by burning. It seemed the old legends may have actually hadsome root in fact.
"Okay, kid," Aahz whispered. "I guess we've waitedlong enough."
He eased himself out of the alley and led me in a longcircle around the shop, stopping again only when wehad returned to our original spot by the alley."Well, what do you think, kid?"
"Don't know. What were we looking for?"
"Tell me again about how you planned to be a thief,"Aahz sighed. "Look, kid. We're looking over a target.
Right?"
"Right," I replied, glad to be able to agree with
something.
"Okay, how many ways in and out of that shop did
you see?"
"Just one. The one across the street there."
"Right. Now how do you figure we're going to get
into the shop?"
"I don't know," I said honestly.
"C'nion, kid. If there's only one way in...."
"You mean we're just going to walk in the front
door?"
"Why not? We can see from here the door's open."
"Well... if you say so, Aahz. I just thought it wouldbe harder than that."
"Whoa! Nobody said it was going to be easy. Justbecause the door's open doesn't mean the door'sopen."
"I didn't quite get that, Aahz."
"Think, kid. We're after a Deveel, right? He's got ac-cess to all kinds of magic and gimmicks. Now what sayyou close your eyes and take another look at thatdoor."
I did as I was told. Immediately the image of a glowing cage sprang into my mind, a cage that completelyenclosed the shop.
"He's got some kind of ward up, Aahz," I informedmy partner.
It occurred to me that a few short weeks ago I wouldhave held such a structure in awe. Now, I accepted it asrelatively normal, just another obstacle to be overcome.
"Describe it to me," Aahz hissed.
"Well. . . it's bright. . . whitish purple . . . there's aseries of bars and crossbars forming squares about ahand-span across...."
"Is it just over the door, or all over the shop?"
"All over the shop. The top's covered, and the barsrun right into the ground."
"Hmm, well, we'll just have to go through it. Listenup, kid. Time for a quick lesson."
I opened my eyes and looked at the shop again. Thebuilding looked as innocent as it had when we firstcircled it. It bothered me that I couldn't sense the cage'spresence the way I could our own wards.
"What is it, Aahz?" I asked uneasily.
"Hmm? Oh. it's a ward, kind of like the ones we use,but a lot nastier."
"Nastier, how?"
"Well, the kind of wards I taught you to build are anearly warning system and not much else. From thesounds of it, the stuff Frumple is using will do considerably more. Not only will it kill you, it'll knock youinto pieces smaller than dust. It's called disintegration."
"And we're going to go through it?" I asked, incredulously.
"After you've had a quick lesson. Now, rememberyour feather drills? How you'd wrap your mind aroundthe feather for control?"
"Yeah. "I said, puzzled.
"Well, I want you to do the same thing, but withoutthe feather. Pretend you're holding something that isn'tthere. Form the energies into a tube."
"Then what?"
"Then you insert the tube into one of the squares inthe cage and expand it."
"That's all?"
"That's it. C'mon now. Give it a try."
I closed my eyes and reached out with my mind.
Choosing a square in the center of the open doorway, Iinserted my mental tube and began to expand it. As ittouched the bars forming the square, I experienced atingle and a physical pressure as if I had encountered atangible object.
"Easy, kid," Aahz said softly. "We just want tobend the bars a bit, not break them."
I expanded the tube. The bars gave way slowly, untilthey met with the next set. Then I experienced anothertingle and additional pressure.
"Remember, kid. Once we're inside, take your time.Wait for your eyes to adjust to the dark. We don't wantto tip Frumple off by stumbling around and knocking things over."
I was having to strain now. The tube had reachedanother set of bars now, making it a total of twelve barsI was forcing outward.
"Have you got it yet?" Aahz's whisper Sounded anx-ious.
"Just a second .. .Yes!"
The tube was now big enough for us to crawl through.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Lead the way, kid. I'll be right behind you."
Strangely enough, I felt none of my usual doubts as Istrode boldly across the street to the shop. Apparentlymy confidence in my abilities was growing, for I didn'teven hesitate as I began to crawl through the tube. Theonly bad moment I had was when I suddenly realized Iwas crawling on thin air about a foot off the ground.Apparently I had set the tube a little too high, but nomatter. It held! Next time I would know better.
I eased myself out of the end of the tube and stood inthe shop's interior. I could hear the soft sounds ofAahz's passage behind me as I waited for my eyes to ad-just to the dark.
"Ease away from the door, kid," came Aahz's whispered advice in my ear as he stood behind me. "You'restanding in a patch of moonlight. And you can collapsethe tube now."
Properly notified, I shifted away from the moonlight.I was pleased to note, however, that releasing the tubedid not make a significant difference in my mentalenergies. I was progressing to where I could do moredifficult feats with less energy than when I started. I wasactually starting to feel like a magician.
I heard a slight noise behind me and craned my neckto look. Aahz was quietly drawing the curtains over thedoor.
I smiled grimly to myself. Good! We don't want witnesses.
My eyes were nearly adjusted now. I could make outshapes and shadows in the darkness. There was a darklump in the corner that breathed heavily. Frumple!
I felt a hand on my shoulder. Aahz pointed out alamp on a table and held up four fingers.
I nodded and started counting slowly to four. As Ireached the final number, I focused a quick flash ofenergy at the lamp, and its wick burst into flame, lighting the shop's interior.
Aahz was kneeling beside Frumple, knife in hand.Apparently he had succeeded in finding at least some ofour weapons in the dark.
Frumple sat up blinking, then froze in place. Aahzhad the point of his knife hovering a hairsbreadth fromthe Deveel's throat.
"Hello, Frumple," he smiled. "Remember us?"
"You!" gasped the Deveel. "You're supposed to bedead!"
"Dead?" Aahz purred. "How could any harm befallus with our old pal Frumple helping us blend with thecitizenry?"
"Gentlemen!" our victim squealed. "There seems tohave been a mistake!"
"That's right," I commented. "And you made it."
"You don't understand!" Frumple persisted, "I wassurprised and horrified when I heard about yourdeaths."
"Yeah, we weren't too happy about it ourselves."
"Later, kid. Look, Frumple. Right now we have boththe ability and the motive to kill you. Right?"
"But I...."
"Right?"
Aahz moved the knife until the point was indentingthe skin on Frumple's throat.
"Right!" the Deveel whispered.
"Okay, then." Aahz withdrew the knife and tucked itback in his waistband. "New let's talk business."
"I ... I don't understand," Frumple stammered,rubbing his throat with one hand as if to assure himselfthat it was still there.
"What it means," Aahz explained, "is that we wantyour help more than we want revenge. Don't relax toomuch, though. The choice wasn't that easy."
"I... I see. Well, what can I do for you?"
"C'mon, Frumple. You can honor our original deal.You've got to admit we've laid one heck of a false trailfor your two fugitives. Now it's your turn. Just restoremy powers and we'll be on our way."
The Deveel blanched, or at least he turned from red topink.
"I can't do that!" he exclaimed.
"What?"
The knife appeared in Aahz's hand again as if bymagik.
"Now look, you double-dealing refugee. Either yourestore my powers or...."
"You don't understand," Frumple pleaded. "I don'tmean I won't restore your powers. I mean I can't. Idon't know what's wrong with you or how to counter it.That's why I set you up with the mob. I was afraid if Itold you before, you wouldn't believe me. I've spent toomuch time establishing myself here to risk being exposed by an unsatisfied customer. I'm sorry, I reallyam, and I know you'll probably kill me, but I can't helpyou!"
"Just because something doesn't do what
you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."
T. EDISON
"HMMM," Aahz said thoughtfully. "So you're power-less to restore my powers?"
"Does that mean we can kill him after all?" I askedeagerly. I had been hopeful of having Aahz's powersrestored, but in lieu of that, I was still a bit upset overhaving been hung.
"You're a rather vicious child," Frumple looked atme speculatively. "What's a Pervect doing travelingwith a Klahd, anyway?"
"Who's a clod? "I bristled.
"Easy, kid," Aahz said soothingly. "Nothing personal. Everyone who's native to this dimension is aKlahd. Klah ... Klahds... get it?"
"Well, I don't like the sound of it," I grumbled.
"Relax, kid. What's in a name, anyway?"
"Then it doesn't really matter to you if people callyou a Pervect or a Pervert?''
"Watch your mouth, kid. Things are going bad
enough without you getting cheeky."
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Frumple interrupted. "Ifyou're going to fight would you mind going outside? Imean, this is my shop.''
"Can we kill him now, Aahz?"
"Ease up, kid. Just because he can't restore mypowers doesn't mean he's totally useless. I'm sure thathe'll be more than happy to help us, particularly after hefailed to pay up on our last deal. Right, Frumple?"
"Oh, definitely. Anything I can do to make up for theinconvenience I've caused you."
"Inconvenience?" I asked incredulously.
"Steady, kid. Well, Frumple, you could start by returning the stuff we left here when we went off on yourlittle mission."
"Of course. I'll get it for you."
The Deveel started to rise, only to find Aahz's knifethreatening him again.
"Don't trouble yourself, Frumple, old boy," Aahzsmiled. "Just point out where they are and we'll fetchthem ourselves . .. and keep your hands where I can see them."
"The . . . your things are over there ... in the bigchest against the wall," Frumple's eyes never left theknife as he spoke.
"Check it out, kid."
I did and, surprisingly, the items were exactly wherethe Deveel said they would be. There was, however, anintriguing collection of other strange items in the chestalso.
"Hey, Aahz!" I called. "Take a look at this!"
"Sure, kid."
He backed across the shop to join me. As he did, heflipped the knife into what I now recognized as a throwing grip. Apparently Frumple recognized it too, becausehe stayed frozen in position.
"Well, what have we here?" Aahz chortled.
"Gentlemen," the Deveel called plaintively. "I couldprobably help you better if I knew what you needed."
"True enough," Aahz responded, reclaiming his
weapons.
"Frumple, it occurs to me we haven't been completely open with you. That will have to be corrected ifwe're going to be allies."
"Wait a minute, Aahz," I interrupted. "What makesyou think we can trust him after he's tried so hard to getus killed?"
"Simple, kid. He tried to get us killed to protect himself, right?"
"Well. ..."
"So once we explain it's in his own self-interest tohelp us, he should be completely trustworthy."
"Really?" I sneered.
"Well, as trustworthy as any Deveel can be," Aahzadmitted.
"I resent the implications of that. Pervert!" Frumpleexclaimed. "If you want any help, you'd better. . . ."Aahz's knife flashed through the air and thunked intothe wall scant inches from the Deveel's head.
"Shut up and listen, Frumple!" he snarled. "Andthat's Pervect!"
"What's in a name, Aahz?" I asked innocently.
"Shut up, kid. Okay, Frumple, does the name Isstvanmean anything to you?''
"No. Should it?"
"It should if you want to stay alive. He's a mad-man magician who's trying to take over the dimensions,starting with this one."
"Why should that concern me?" Frumple frowned."We Deveels trade with anyone who can pay the price.We don't concern ourselves with analyzing politics ormental stability. If we only dealt with sane beings, itwould cut our business by a third ... maybe more."
"Well, you'd better concern yourself this time.Maybe you didn't hear me. Isstvan is starting with thisdimension. He's out to get a monopoly on Klah's energies to use on other dimensions. To do that, he's out tokill anyone else in this dimension who knows how to tapthose energies. He's not big on sharing."
"Hmmm. Interesting theory, but where's the proofI mean, who's he supposed to have killed?"
"Garkin, for one," I said, dryly.
"That's right," Aahz snarled. "You're so eager toknow why the two of us are traveling together. Well,Skeeve here was Garkin's apprentice until Isstvan senthis assassins to wipe out the competition."
"Assassins?"
"That's right. You saw two of them, those Imps youteleported about a week back." Aahz flourished theassassin's cloak we had acquired.
"Where did you think we got this? In a rummage
sale?"
"Hmmm," Frumple commented thoughtfully.
"And he's arming them with tech weapons. Take alook at this crossbow quarrel."
Aahz lobbed one of the missiles to the Deveel whocaught it deftly and examined it closely.
"Hmmm. I didn't notice that before. It's a goodcamouflage job, but totally unethical."
"Now do you see why enlisting your aid takes priorityover the pleasure of slitting your lying throat?''
"I see what you mean," Frumple replied without ran-cor. "It's most convincing. But what can I do?"
"You tell us. You Deveels are supposed to have wonders for every occasion. What have you got that wouldgive us an edge over a madman who knows his magik?"
Frumple thought for several minutes. Then shrugged."I can't think of a thing just offhand. I haven't beenstocking weapons lately. Not much call for them in this dimension."
"Terrific," I said. "Can we kill him now, Aahz?""Say, could you put a muzzle on him?" Frumple
said. "What's your gripe anyway, Skeeve?"
"I don't take well to being hung," I snarled.
"Really? Well, you'll get used to it if you keep practicing magik. It's being burned that's really a pain."
"Wait a minute, Frumple," Aahz interrupted.
"You're acting awfully casual about hanging for someone who was so surprised to see us alive."
"I was. I underestimated your apprentice's masteryof the energies. If I had thought you could escape, Iwould have thought of something else. I was trying to get you killed, after all."
"He doesn't sound particularly trustworthy," I observed.
"You will notice, my young friend, that I stated my
intentions in the past tense. Now that we share a com-mon goal, you'll find me much easier to deal with."
"Which brings us back to our original question,"Aahz asserted. "What can you do for us, Frumple?"
"I really don't know," the Deveel admitted. "Unless... I know! I can send you to the Bazaar!"
"The Bazaar?" I asked.
"The Bazaar on Deva! If you can't find what youneed there, it doesn't exist. Why didn't I think of thatbefore? That's the answer!"
He was on his feet now, moving toward us.
"I know you're in a hurry, so I'll get you started...."
"Not so fast, Frumple."
Aahz had his sword out menacing the Deveel.
"We want a guarantee this is a round trip you'resending us on."
"I... I don't understand."
"Simple. You tried to get rid of us once. It occurs tome you might be tempted to send us off to somebackwater dimension with no way to get back."
"But I give you my word that...."
"We don't want your word," Aahz grinned. "We
want your presence.''
"What?"
"Where we go, you go. You're coming with us, justto be extra sure we get back."
"I can't do that!" Frumple seemed honestly terrified."I've been banned from Deva! You don't know whatthey'd do to me if I went back."
"That's too bad. We want a guaranteed return beforewe budge, and that's you!"
"Wait a minute! I think I've got the answer!"
The Deveel began frantically rummaging throughchests. I watched, fascinated, as an astounding array ofstrange objects emerged as he searched.
"Here it is!" he cried at last, holding his prize aloft.
It appeared to be a metal rod, about eight inches longand two inches in diameter. It had strange markings onits sides, and a button on the end.
"A D-Hopper!" Aahz exclaimed. "I haven't seen
one of those in years."
Frumple tossed it to him.
"There you go. Is that guarantee enough?"
"What is it, Aahz?" I asked, craning my neck to see.He seized the ends of the rod and twisted in oppositedirections. Apparently it was constructed of at least twoparts, because the symbols began to slide around the rod in opposite directions.
"Depending on where you want to go, you align
different symbols. Then you just push the button
and...."
"Wait a minute!" Frumple cried. "We haven't settled on a price for that yet!"
"Price?" I asked.
"Yeah, price! Those things don't grow on trees, you
know."
"If you will recall," Aahz murmured, "you still owe
us from our last deal."
"True enough," Frumple agreed. "But as you yourself pointed out, those D-Hoppers are rare. A realcollector's item. It's only fair that our contract berenegotiated at a slightly higher fee."
"Frumple, we're in too much of a hurry to argue,"Aahz announced. "I'll say once what we're willing torelinquish over and above our original deal and you cantake it or leave it. Fair enough?''
"What did you have in mind?" Frumple asked, rubbing his hands together eagerly.
"Your life."
"My ... Oh! I see. Yes, that... urn ... should be anacceptable price."
"I'm surprised at you, Frumple," I chimed in. "Letting a collector's item go that cheap."
"C'mon, kid." Aahz was adjusting the settings onthe D-Hopper. "Let's get moving."
"Just a second, Aahz. I want to get my sword.""Leave it. We can pick it up on the way back.""Say, Aahz, how long does it take to travel between dimensions any...."
The walls of Frumple's hut suddenly dissolved in a
kaleidoscope of color.
"Not long, kid. In fact, we're there."
And we were.
"The wonders of the ages assembled for
your edification, education, and enjoy---
mentfor a price."
P. T. BARNUM
WHILE I knew my home dimension wasn't particularlycolorful, I never really considered it drab ... until I firstset eyes on the Bazaar at Deva.
Even though both Aahz and Frumple, and even theImps, had referred to this phenomenon, I had never actually sat back and tried to envision it. It was just aswell. Anything I could have fantasized would have beendwarfed by the real thing.
The Bazaar seemed to stretch endlessly in all directions as far as the eye could see. Tents and lean-tos of alldesigns and colors were gathered in irregular clumpsthat shoved against each other for more room.
There were thousands of Deveels everywhere of everyage and description. Tall Deveels, fat Deveels, lameDeveels, bald Deveels, all moved about until the popu-lace gave the appearance of being one seething masswith multiple heads and tails. There were other beingsscattered through the crowd. Some of them looked likenightmares come to life; others I didn't recognize asbeing alive until they moved, but they all made noise.
The noise! Twixt had seemed noisy to me after mysecluded life with Garkin, but the clamor that assailedmy ears now defied all description. There were shrieksand dull explosions and strange burbling noises emanat-ing from the depths of the booths around us, competingwith the constant din of barter. It seemed no one spokebelow a shout. Whether weeping piteously, barking inanger, or displaying bored indifference, all barteringwas to be done at the top of your lungs.
"Welcome to Deva, kid," Aahz gestured expansively."What do you think?"
"It's loud." I observed.
"What?"
"I said, 'it's loud!' " I shouted.
"Oh, well. It's a bit livelier than your averageFarmer's Market or Fisherman's Wharf, but there are
noisier places to be."
I was about to respond when a passerby careened intome. He, or she, had eyes spaced all around his head andfur-covered tentacles instead of arms.
"Wzkip!" it said, waving a tentacle as it continued on
its way.
"Aahz!"
"Yeah, kid?"
"It just occurred to me. What language do they speakon Deva?"
"Hmm? Oh! Don't worry about it, kid. They speakall languages here. No Deveel that's been hatched wouldlet a sale get away just because they couldn't speak theright tongue. Just drop a few sentences on 'em in Klahdish and they'll adapt fast enough."
"Okay, Aahz. Now that we're here, where do we gofirst?"
There was no answer. I tore my eyes away from theBazaar and glanced at my partner. He was standing motionless, sniffing the air.
"Aahz?"
"Hey kid, do you smell that?" he asked eagerly.
I sniffed the air.
"Yeah!" I gagged. "What died?"
"C'mon, kid. Follow me."
He plunged off into the crowd, leaving me littlechoice but to trail after him. Hands plucked at oursleeves as we passed, and various Deveels leaned out oftheir stalls and tents to call to us as we passed, but Aahzdidn't slacken his pace. I couldn't get a clear look at anyof the displays as we passed. Keeping up with Aahz demanded most of my concentration. One tent, however, did catch my eye.
"Look. Aahz! "I cried.
"What?"
"It's raining in that tent!"
As if in answer to my words, a boom of thunder and acrackle of lightning erupted from the display.
"Yeah. So?" Aahz dismissed it with a glance.
"What are they selling, rain?"
"Naw. Weather-control devices. They're scatteredthrough the whole Bazaar instead of hanging together inone section. Something about the devices interferingwith each other."
"Are all the displays that spectacular?"
"That isn't spectacular, kid. They used to do tor-nados until the other booths complained and they hadto limit their demonstrations to the tame stuff. Nowhurry up!"
"Where are we going anyway, Aahz? And what is
that smell?"
The repulsive aroma was growing noticeably
stronger.
"That," proclaimed Aahz, coming to a halt in frontof a dome-shaped tent, "is the smell of Pervish cooking!"
"Food? We came all this way so you could have ameal?"
"First things first, kid. I haven't had a decent mealsince Garkin called me out of the middle of a party andstranded me in your idiot dimension."
"But we're supposed to be looking for something touse against Isstvan."
"Relax, kid. I haggle better on a full stomach. Justwait here. I won't be long."
"Wait here? Can't I go in with you?"
"I don't think you'd like it, kid. To anyone whowasn't born on Perv, the food looks even worse than it
smells."
I found that hard to believe, but pursued the argument gamely.
"I'm not all that weak-stomached, you know. When Iwas living in the woods, I ate some pretty weird things
myself."
"I'll tell ya, kid, the main problem with Pervish foodis keeping the goo from crawling out of the bowl whileyou're eating it."
"I'll wait here," I decided.
"Good. Like I say, I won't be long. You can watch
the dragons until I get back."
"Dragons?" I said, but he had already disappeared
through the tent flap.
I turned slowly and looked at the display behind me.
Dragons!
There was an enormous stall stocked with dragonsnot fifteen feet from where I was standing. Most of thebeasts were tethered at the back wall which kept mefrom seeing them as we approached, but upon directviewing there was no doubt they were dragons.
Curiosity made me drift over to join the small crowdin front of the stall. The stench was overwhelming, butafter a whiff of Pervish cooking, it seemed almost pleasant.
I had never seen a dragon before, but the specimens in
the stall lived up to the expectations of my daydreams.They were huge, easily ten or fifteen feet high at theshoulder and a full thirty feet long. Their necks werelong and serpentine, and their clawed feet dug greatgouges in the ground as they shifted their weight nervously.
I was surprised to see how many varieties there were.It had never occurred to me that there might be morethan one type of dragon, but here was living proof tothe contrary. Besides the green dragons I had always envisioned, there were red, black, gold and blue dragons.There was even one that was mauve. Some were wingedand some weren't. Some had wide, massive jaws andothers had narrow snouts. Some had eyes that weresquinting and slanted, while others had huge moonlikeeyes that never seemed to blink. They had two things incommon, however: they were all big and they all lookedthoroughly nasty.
My attention was drawn to the Deveel running theoperation. He was the biggest Deveel I had ever seen,fully eight feet tall with arms like trees. It was difficultto say which was more fearsome in appearance, thedragons or their keeper.
He brought one of the red dragons to the center of thestall and released it with a flourish. The beast raised itshead and surveyed the crowd with seething yellow eyes.The crowd fell back a few steps before that gaze. I seriously considered leaving.
The Deveel shouted a few words at the crowd in gibberish I couldn't understand, then picked up a swordfrom the rack by the wall.
Fast as a cat, the dragon arched his neck and spat astream of fire at its keeper. By some miracle, the flameparted as it hit the Deveel and passed harmlessly oneither side of him.
The keeper smiled and turned to shout a few morewords at his audience. As he did, the dragon leapt athim with murderous intent. The Deveel dove to theground and rolled out from under the attack as the beastlanded with an impact that shook the tent. The dragonwhirled, but the keeper was on his feet again, holdingaloft a pendant before the beast's eyes.
I didn't understand his move, but apparently thedragon did, for it cowered back on its haunches. TheDeveel pointed forcefully and it slunk back to its placeat the back of the stall.
A small ripple of applause rippled through the crowd.Apparently they were impressed with the ferocity of thedragon's attack. Me, I was impressed by the pendant.
The keeper acknowledged the applause and launchedinto another spiel of gibberish, this time punctuated bygestures and exclamations.
I decided it was about time for me to go.
"deep!"
There was a tug at my sleeve.
I looked around. There, behind me, was a smalldragon! Well, he was about four feet high and ten feetlong, but after looking at the other dragons, he seemedsmall. He was green with big blue eyes and what appeared to be a drooping white mustache.
For a split second I was panicky, but that rapidly gaveway to curiosity. He didn't look dangerous. He seemedquite content just standing there chewingon....
My sleeve! The beast was eating a piece of my sleeve!I looked down and confirmed that part of my shirt was
indeed missing.
"Gleep," said the dragon again, stretching his neck
out for another mouthful.
"Go away!" I said, and cuffed him before I realizedwhat I was doing.
"Gleep?" it said, puzzled.
I started to edge away. I was unsure of what to do ifhe cut loose with a blast of fire and therefore eager to
- avoid it.
"Gleep," it said, shuffling after me.
"Gazabkp!" roared a voice behind me.
I spun and found myself looking at a hairy stomach. Ifollowed it up, way up, and saw the dragon keeper'sface looming over me.
"I'm sorry," I apologized readily. "I don't speak
your language."
"Oh. A Klahd!" The Deveel boomed. "Well, the
Statement still stands. Pay up!"
"Pay up for what?"
"For the dragon! What do you think, we're giving
away samples?"
"Gleep!" said the dragon, pressing his head against
my leg.
"There seems to be some mistake," I said hastily.
ANOTHER FINE MYTH
"I'll say there is," the Deveel scowled. "And :
making it. We don't take kindly to shoplifte
Deva!"
"Gleep!" said the dragon.
Things were rapidly getting out of hand. If
needed Aahz's help or advice, it was now. I shotperate glance toward the tent he was in, hoping bhope to see him emerge.
He wasn't there. In fact, the tent wasn't there!gone, vanished into thin air, and so had Aahz!
"No matter what the product or service
might be, you can find it somewhere else
cheaper!"
E. SCROOGE
"WHERE did that tent go?" I demanded desperately.
"What tent?" The keeper blinked, looming behindme.
"That tent," I exclaimed, pointing at the now vacantspace.
The Deveel frowned, craning his neck, which at hisheight, gave him considerable visibility.
"There isn't any tent there," he announced with finality.
"I know! That's the point!"
"Hey! Quit trying to change the subject!" The keepergrowled, poking me in the chest with an unbelievablylarge finger. "Are you going to pay for the dragon ornot?"
I looked around for support, but no one was watching. Apparently disputes such as this were common onDeva.
"I told you there's been a mistake! I don't want yourdragon."
"Gleep!" said the dragon, cocking his head at me."Don't give me that!" the keeper boomed. "If youdidn't want him, why did you feed him?"
"I didn't feed him! He ate a piece of my sleeve!""Gleep!" said the dragon, making another unsuccessful pass at my shirt.
"So you admit he got food from you?"
"Well ... in a manner of speaking . . . Yeah! Sowhat?" I was getting tired of being shouted at."So pay up! He's no good to me anymore."
I surveyed the dragon. He didn't seem to be any theworse for having eaten the shirt.
"What's wrong with him? He looks all right to me.""Gleep!" said the dragon, and sidled up to me again."Oh! He's fine," the keeper sneered. "Except nowhe's attached. An attached dragon isn't any good exceptto the person or thing he's attached to."
"Well, who's he attached to?"
"Don't get smart with me! He's attached to you! Has
been ever since you fed him."
"Well, feed him again and unattach him! I have
pressing matters elsewhere."
"Just like that, huh?" the Deveel said skeptically,towering to new heights. "You know very well it doesn'twork that way. Once a dragon's attached, it's attachedforever. That's why they're so valuable."
"Forever?" I asked.
"Well. . . until one of you dies. But any fool knowsnot to feed a dragon unless they want it attached tothem. The idiot beasts are too impressionable, especially the young ones like this."
I looked at the dragon again. He was very young. Hiswings were just beginning to bud, which I took as a signof immaturity, and his fangs were needle-sharp insteadof worn to rounded points like his brethren in the stall.Still, there was strength in the muscles rippling beneaththose scales . . . yes, I decided, I'd back my dragon in a fight against any....
"Gleep!" said the dragon, licking both ends of his
mustache simultaneously with his forked tongue.
That brought me to my senses. A dragon? What did Iwant with a dragon?
"Well." I said haughtily, "I guess I'm not just anyfool, then. If I had known the consequences of allowinghim to eat my sleeve, I would have..."
"Look, sonny!" The Deveel snarled, poking my chestagain. "If you think you're going to...."
Something inside me snapped. I knocked his handaway with a fury that surprised me.
"The name isn't 'Sonny,' " I hissed in a low voice Ididn't recognize as my own. "It's Skeeve! Now loweryour voice when you're talking to me and keep yourdirty finger to yourself!"
I was shaking, though whether from rage or from fearI couldn't tell. I had spent my entire burst of emotion inthat tirade and now found myself wondering if I wouldsurvive the aftermath.
Surprisingly, the keeper gave ground a few steps atmy tirade, and was now studying me with new puzzlement. I felt a pressure at the back of my legs and riskeda glance. The dragon was now crouched behind me,craning his neck to peer around my waist at the keeper.
"I'm sorry." The keeper was suddenly humble andfawning. "I didn't recognize you at first. You said yourname was ... ?"
"Skeeve." I prompted haughtily.
"Skeeve." He frowned thoughtfully. "Strange. Idon't remember that name."
I wasn't sure who or what he thought I was, but if Ihad learned one thing traveling with Aahz, it was torecognize and seize an advantage when I saw one.
"The secrecy surrounding my identity should be aclue in itself, if you know what I mean," I murmured,giving him my best conspiratorial wink.
"Of course," he responded. "I should have realizedimmediately...."
"No matter," I yawned. "Now then, about the
dragon...."
"Yes. Forgive me for losing my temper, but you can
see my predicament."
It seemed strange having someone that immense
simpering at me, but I rose to the occasion.
"Well, I'm sure we can work something out," I
smiled.
As I spoke, a thought flashed through my head. Aahz
had all our money! I didn't have a single item of any
value on me except....
I reached into my pocket, forcing myself to make themove casual. It was still there! The charm I had takenfrom Quigley's statue-body that allowed the wearer tosee through spells. I had taken it when Aahz wasn'tlooking and had kept it hidden in case it might be usefulin some crisis. Well, this definitely looked like a crisis!
"Here!" I said, tossing the charm to him. "I believe
this should settle our accounts."
He caught it deftly and gave it a fast, squinting appraisal.
"This?" he said. "You want to purchase a hatchling
dragon for this?"
I had no idea of the charm's relative worth, but bluffing had gotten me this far.
"I do not haggle," I said coldly. "That is my first andfinal offer. If it is not satisfactory, then return thecharm and see if you can get a better price for an attached dragon."
"You drive a hard bargain, Skeeve." The Deveel wasstill polite, but his smile looked like it hurt. "Very well,it's a deal. Shake on it."
He extended his hand.
There was a sudden hissing noise and my vision wasobscured. The dragon had arched his neck forward overmy head and was confronting the Deveel eye-to-eye. Hisattitude was suddenly a miniature version of the ferocityI had seen displayed earlier by his larger brethren. Irealized with a start that he was defending me!
Apparently the keeper realized it too, for he jerkedback his hand as if he had just stuck it in an open fire.
"... if you could call off your dragon long enoughfor us to dose the deal?" he suggested with forced politeness.
I wasn't sure just how I was supposed to do this, but Iwas willing to give it a try.
"He's okay!" I shouted, thumping the dragon on theside of the neck to get his attention.
"Gleep?" said the dragon, turning his head to peerinto my face.
I noticed his breath was bad enough to kill an insect inflight.
"It's okay," I repeated, edging out from under hisneck.
Since I was already moving, I stepped forward andshook the keeper's hand. He responded absently, nevertaking his eyes from the dragon.
"Say," I said. "Confidentially, I'm rather new to thedragon game. What does he eat ... besides shirts. Imean."
"Oh, a little of this and a little of that. They're om-nivorous, so they can eat anything, but they're pickyeaters. Just let him alone and he'll choose his own diet... old clothes, selected leaves, house pets."
"Terrific! "I mumbled.
"Well, if you'll excuse me I've got other customers totalk to."
"Just a minute! Don't I get one of those pendants likeyou used to control the big dragons?"
"Hmm? What for?"
"Well... to control my dragon."
"Those are to control unattached dragons. You don'tneed one for one that's attached to you and it wouldn'twork on a dragon that's attached to someone else."
"Oh," I said, with a wisdom I didn't feel.
"If you want one, though, I have a cousin who has astall that sells them. It's about three rows up and tworows over. It might be a good investment for you. Couldsave wear and tear on your dragon if you come upagainst an unattached dragon. It'd give junior there abetter chance of growing up."
"That brings up another question," I said. "Howlong does it take?"
"Not long. It's just three rows up and...."
"No. I mean how long until my dragon reaches maturity?"
"Oh, not more than four or five centuries."
"Gleep!"
I'm not sure if the dragon said that or I did.
"By persevering over all obstacles and
distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at
his chosen goal or destination."
C. COLUMBUS
"C'MON. Gleep," I said.
"Gleep," my dragon responded, falling in behindme.
Now that I was the not-so-proud owner of a permanently immature dragon, I was more eager than everto find Aahz. At the moment, I was alone in a strangedimension, penniless, and now I had a dragon taggingafter me. The only way things could be worse would beif the situation became permanent, which could happenif Aahz decided to return to Klah without me.
The place previously occupied by the Pervish
restaurant tent was definitely empty, even at close examination, so I decided to ask the Deveel running theneighboring booth.
"Um ... excuse me, sir."
I decided I was going to be polite as possible for theduration of my stay on Deva. The last thing I neededwas another dispute with a Deveel. It seemed, however,in this situation I needn't have worried.
"No excuses are necessary, young sahr." The proprietor smiled eagerly, displaying an impressive numberof teeth.
"You are interested in purchasing a stick?"
'A stick?"
"Of course!" the Deveel gestured grandly around hisstall. "The finest sticks in all the dimensions."
"Aah . . . thanks, but we have plenty of sticks in my
home dimension."
"Not like these sticks, young sahr. You are fromKlah, are you not?"
"Yes, why?"
"I can guarantee you, there are no such sticks as thesein all of Klah. They come from a dimension only I haveaccess to and I have not sold them in Klah or to anyonewho was going there."
Despite myself, my curiosity was piqued. I lookedagain at the sticks lining the walls of the stall. Theylooked like ordinary sticks such as could be found anywhere.
"What do they do?" I asked cautiously.
"Aah! Different ones do different things. Some control animals, others control plants. A few very rare onesallow you to summon an army of warriors from thestones themselves. Some of the most powerful magicians of any dimension wield staffs of the same wood asthese sticks, but for most people's purposes the Smallermodel will suffice."
"Gleep!" said the dragon, sniffing at one of thesticks.
"Leave it alone!" I barked, shoving his head awayfrom the display.
All I needed was to have my dragon eat up the entirestock of one of these super-merchants.
"May I inquire, is that your dragon, young sahr?"
"Well... sort of."
"In that case, you might find a particular use for astick most magicians wouldn't."
"What's that?"
"You could use it to beat your dragon."
"deep!" said the dragon, looking at me with his bigblue eyes.
"Actually, I'm not really interested in a stick."
I thought I'd better get to my original purpose beforethis conversation got out of hand.
"Ridiculous, young sahr. Everybody should have astick."
"The reason I stopped here in the first place is Iwondered if you knew what happened to that tent."
"What tent, young sahr?"
I had a vague feeling of having had this conversationbefore.
"The tent that was right there next to your stall."
"The Pervish restaurant?" The Deveel's voice wastinged with horror.
"Gleep,'' said the dragon.
"Why would you seek such place, young sahr? Youseem well-bred and educated."
"I had a friend who was inside the tent when itvanished."
"You have a Pervert for a friend?" His voice had lostits friendly tone.
"Well actually... urn ... it's a long story."
"I can tell you this much, punk. It didn't disappear, itmoved on," the Deveel snarled, without the accent orpoliteness he had displayed earlier.
"Moved on?"
"Yeah. It's a new ordinance we passed. AU placesserving Pervish food have to migrate. They cannot beestablished permanently, or even temporarily at anypoint in the Bazaar."
"Why?" I asked.
"Have you ever smelted Pervish food? It's enough tomake a scavenger nauseous. Would you want to man astall downwind of that for a whole day? In this heat?"
"I see what you mean," I admitted.
"Either they moved or the Bazaar did, and we havethem outnumbered."
"But what exactly do you mean, move?"
"The tents! All that's involved is a simple spell ortwo. Either they constantly move at a slow pace, or theystay in one place for a short period and then scuttle offto a new location, but they all move."
"How does anyone find one, then, if they keep mov-ing around?"
"That's easy, just follow your nose."
I sniffed the air experimentally. Sure enough, the un-mistakable odor was still lingering in the air.
"Gleep!" the dragon had imitated my action and wasnow rubbing his nose with one paw.
"Well, thank you ... for... your...."
I was talking to thin air. The Deveel was at the otherend of the stall, baring his teeth at another customer. Itoccurred to me that the citizens of Deva were not particularly concerned with social pleasantries beyond thosenecessary to transact a sale.
I set out to follow the smell of the Pervish restaurantwith the dragon faithfully trailing along behind. Despitemy growing desire to reunite with Aahz, my pace wasconsiderably slower than that Aahz had set when wefirst arrived. I was completely mesmerized by thisstrange Bazaar and wanted to see as much of it as Icould.
Upon more leisurely examination, there did seem tobe a vague order to the Bazaar. The various stalls andbooths were generally grouped by type of merchandise.This appeared to be more from circumstance than byplan. Apparently, if one Deveel set up a display, say, ofinvisible cloaks, in no time at all he had a pack of com-petitors in residence around him, each vying to top theother for quality of goods or prices. Most of the confused babble of voices were disputes between the merchants over the location of their respective stalls or thespace occupied by the same.
The smell grew stronger as I wandered through anarea specializing in exotic and magical jewelry, which Iresisted the temptation to examine more closely. Thetemptation was even stronger as I traversed an areawhich featured weaponry. It occurred to me that I might find a weapon here we could use against Isstvan, but thesmell of the Pervish food was even stronger now, and Isteeled myself to finish my search. We could look for aweapon after I found Aahz. From the intensity of thestench, I was sure we would find our objective soon.
"C'mon, Gleep," I encouraged.
The dragon was hanging back now and didn't respond except to speed his pace a bit.
I expectantly rounded one last corner and came 10 anabrupt halt. I had found the source of the odor.
I was looking at the back of a large display of somealien livestock. There was a large pile of some moistgreen and yellow substance in front of me. As Iwatched, a young Deveel emerged from the displayholding a shovel filled with the same substance. Heglanced at me quizzically as he heaved the load onto thepile and returned to the display.
A dung heap! I had been following the smell of adung heap!
"Gleep!" said the dragon, looking at me quizzically.
He seemed to be asking me what we were going to donext. That was a good question.
I stood contemplating my next move. Probably thebest chance would be to retrace our steps back to thestick seller and try again.
"Spare a girl a little time, handsome?"
I whirled around. A girl was standing there, a girlunlike any I had ever seen before. She was Klahdish inappearance and could have passed for another of mydimension except for her complexion and hair. Her skinwas a marvelous golden-olive hue, and her head wascrowned with a mane of light green hair that shimmeredin the sun. She was a little taller than me and incrediblycurvaceous, her generous figure straining against theconfines of her clothes.
". . . or have you really got a thing about dungheaps?" she concluded.
She had almond cat-eyes that danced with mischief asshe talked.
"Um ... are you talking to me?" I stammered.
"Of course I'm talking to you," she purred, comingclose to me and twining her arms around my necl 'I'mcertainly not talking to your dragon. I mean, he's cuteand all, but my tastes don't run in those directions."
"Gleep!" said the dragon.
I felt my body temperature soar. The touch of herarms caused a tingling sensation which seemed to wreakhavoc on my metabolism.
"Urn . . . actually I'm looking for a friend," I
blurted.
"Well, you've found one," she murmured, moving
her body against me.
"Aah ... I... urn." Suddenly I was having troubleconcentrating. "What is it you want?"
"Hmm," she said thoughtfully, "Even though it'snot my normal line, I think I'd like to tell your fortune... free."
"Oh?" I said, surprised.
This was the first time since I reached the Bazaar thatanyone had offered me anything for free. I didn't knowif I should be happy or suspicious.
"You're going to have a fight," she whispered in myear. "A big one."
"What?" I exclaimed. "When? With who?"
"Easy, handsome." she warned, tightening her griparound my neck. "When is in a very few minutes. Withwho is the rat pack over my shoulder . . . don't lookright at them!"
Her final sharp warning checked my reflexive glance.Moving more cautiously, I snuck a peek out of the cor-ner of my eye.
Lounging against a shop wall, watching us closely,were a dozen or so of the ugliest, nastiest looking characters I have ever seen.
"Them? I mean, all of them?" I asked.
"Uh-huh!" she confirmed, snuggling into my chest.
"Why?" I demanded.
"I probably shouldn't tell you this," she smiled, "but
because of me."
Only her firm grip on me kept me from dislodging herwith a shove.
"You? What about you?"
"Well, they're an awfully greedy bunch. One way oranother, they're going to make some money from thisencounter. Normally, you'd give the money to me andI'd cut them in for a share. In the unlikely event thatdoesn't work, they'll pretend to be defending my honorand beat it out of you."
"But you don't understand! I don't have any
money."
"I know that. That's why you're going to get into afight, see?"
"If you knew I didn't have any money, why did
you...."
"Oh, I didn't know when I first stopped you. I foundout just now when I searched you."
"Searched me?"
"Oh, come on, handsome. There's more ways to
search a person than with your hands," she winkedknowingly at me.
"Well, can't you tell them I don't have any money?"
"They wouldn't believe me. The only way they'd beconvinced is searching you themselves."
"I'd be willing to let them if that's what it takes toconvince them."
"I don't think you would," she smiled, stroking myface with her hand. "One of the things they'll look for isif you swallowed your money."
"Oh!" I said, "I see what you mean. But I can't fightthem. I don't have any weapons."
"You have that little knife under your shirt at thesmall of your back," she pointed out.
I had forgotten about my skinning knife. I started tobelieve in her no-hands frisking technique.
"But I've never been in a fight before."
"Well, I think you're about to learn."
"Say, why are you telling me all this, anyway?" Iasked.
"I don't know," she shrugged. "I like your act.That's why I singled you out in the first place. Thenagain, I feel a little guilty about having gotten you intothis."
"Will you help me?"
"I don't feel that guilty, handsome," she smiled."But there is one more thing I can do for you."
She started to pull me toward her.
"Wait a minute," I protested. "Won't that...."
"Relax, handsome," she purred. "You're about toget pounded for offending my honor. You might as wellget a little of the sweet along with the bitter."
Before I could protest further, she kissed me. Longand warm and sweet, she kissed me.
I had never been kissed by anyone except my mother.This was different! The fight, the dragon, Aahz, everything faded from my mind. I was lost in the wonder ofthat moment.
"Hey!"
A rough hand fell on my shoulder and pulled usapart.
"Is this shrimp bothering you, lady?"
The person on the other end of that hand was notaller than I was, but he was twice as broad and hadshort, twisted tusks protruding from his mouth. Hiscronies had fanned out behind him, effectively boxingme in against the dung heap.
I looked at the girl. She shrugged and backed away.
It looked like I was going to have to fight all of them.Me and the dragon. Terrific.
I remembered my skinning knife. It wasn't much, butit was all I had. As casually as I could, I reached behindme and tugged at my shirt, trying to pull it up so I couldget at the knife. The knife promptly fell down inside mypants.
The wrecking crew started forward.
"With the proper consideration in choice of
allies, victory may be guaranteed in any
conflict."
B. ARNOLD
"GET'em, Gleep!" I barked.
The dragon bounded into action, a move which Ithink surprised me more than it did my assailants.
It leaped between me and the advancing rat pack andcrouched there, hissing menacingly. His tail gave amighty lash which neatly swept the legs out from undertwo of the flanking members of the party. Somehow, heseemed much bigger when he was mad.
"Watch out! He's got a dragon!" the leader called.
"Thanks for the warning!" one of the fallen mengrowled, struggling to regain his feet.
"I've got him!" came a voice from my left.
I turned just in time to see a foot-long dagger flashingthrough the air at the dragon's neck. My dragon!
Suddenly I was back at the practice sessions. My minddarted out and grabbed at the knife. It jerked to a haltin midair and hovered there.
"Nice move, handsome!" the girl called.
"Hey! The shrimp's a magician!"
The pack fell back a few steps.
"That's right!" I barked. "Skeeve's the name,
magik's the game. What kind of clod did you think youwere dealing with?"
With that, I brought the dagger down, swooping itback and forth through their formation. I was madnow. One of these louts had tried to kill my dragon!
"A dozen of you isn't enough!" I shouted. "Go backand get some friends... if you have any!"
I cast about desperately for something else to throw.My eyes fell on the dung heap. I smiled to myselfdespite my anger. Why not?
In a moment I had great gobs of dung hurtling
through the air at my assailants. My accuracy wasn't thebest, but it was good enough as the outraged howlstestified.
"Levitation!" the leader bawled. "Quanto! Stophim!"
"Right, boss!"
One of the plug-uglies waved in affirmation andstarted rummaging through his belt pouch.
He had made a mistake identifying himself. I didn'tknow what he was about to come up with, but I wassure I didn't want to wait and find out.
"Stop him, Gleep!" I ordered, pointing to the victim.
The dragon raised his head and fixed his gaze on thefumbling brigand. With a sound that might have been aroar if he were older, he shot a stream of flame andcharged.
It wasn't much of a stream of flame, and it missed toboot, but it was enough to get the brigand's attention.He looked up to see a mountain of dragon flesh bearingdown on him and panicked. Without pausing to call tohis comrades, he spun and ran off screaming with thedragon in hot pursuit.
"Okay, shrimp! Let's see you stop this!"
I jerked my attention back to the leader. He wasstanding now, confidently holding aloft a stick. Yester-day it wouldn't have fazed me, but knowing what I didnow, I froze. I didn't know what model it was, but apparently the leader was confident its powers would surpass my own.
He grinned evilly and slowly began to level the stick atme.
I tried desperately to think of a defense, but couldn't.I didn't even know what I was supposed to be defendingagainst!
Suddenly, something flashed across my line of visionand the stick was gone.
I blinked and looked again. The stick was lying on theground, split by a throwing knife, a black-handledthrowing knife.
"Any trouble here, Master Skeeve?" a voice boomed.
I spun toward the source of the voice. Aahz wasstanding there, cocked crossbow leveled at the pack. Hewas grinning broadly, which I have mentioned before isnot that comforting to anyone who doesn't know him.
"A Pervert!" the leader gasped.
"What?" Aahz swung the crossbow toward him.
"I mean a Pervect!" the leader amended hastily.
"That's better. How about it, Skeeve? You want 'emdead or running?"
I looked at the rat pack. Without breaking theirfrozen tableau, they pleaded with me with their eyes.
"Um . . . running, I think," I said thoughtfully."They smell bad enough alive. Dead they might give theBazaar a bad name."
"You heard him," Aahz growled. "Move!"
They disappeared like they had melted into theground.
"Aahz!"
The girl came flying forward to throw her armsaround him.
"Tanda!" Aahz exclaimed, lowering the crossbow."Are you mixed up with that pack?"
"Are you kidding? I'm the bait!" she winked bawd-iiy.
'Little low class for you, isn't it?"
'Aah ... it's a living."
'Why'd you leave the Assassins?"
'Got tired of paying union dues."
'Um ... harrumph...." I interrupted.
"Hmm?" Aahz looked around. "Oh! Sorry, kid.
Say, have you two met?''
"Sort of," the girl acknowledged. "We . . . say, isthis the friend you were looking for, handsome?"
"Handsome?" Aahz wrinkled his nose.
"Well, yes," I admitted. "We got separated back bythe...."
"Handsome?" Aahz repeated.
"Oh, hush!" the girl commanded, slapping his
stomach playfully. "I like him. He's got style."
"Actually, I don't believe we've met formally," Isaid, giving my most winning smile. "My name isSkeeve."
"Well, la-de-dah!" Aahz grumbled.
"Ignore him. I'm Tananda, but call me Tanda."
"Love to, "I leered.
"If you two are quite through. . . ." Aahz interrupted, "I have a couple questions...."
"Gleep!" said the dragon, prancing up to our assemblage.
"What's that?" Aahz demanded.
"It's a dragon," I said helpfully.
Tanda giggled rudely.
"I know that," Aahz barked. "I mean what is hedoing here?"
Suddenly I was hesitant to supply the whole story.
"There are lots of dragons at the Bazaar, Aahz," Imumbled, not looking at him. "In fact, there's a stalljust down the way that...."
"What is that dragon doing here?!
"deep!" said the dragon, rubbing his head againstmy chest.
"Urn ... he's mine," I admitted.
"Yours?" Aahz bellowed. "I told you to look at thedragons, not buy one!"
"But Aahz...."
"What are we going to do with a dragon?"
"I got a good deal on him," I chimed hopefully.
"What did you say. kid?"
"I said I got a good deal...."
"From a Deveel?"
"Oh. I see what you mean."
"C'mon. Let's have it. What were the terms of thisfantastic deal?"
"Well... I... that is...."
"Out with it!"
"I traded Quigley's pendant for him."
"Quigley's pendant? The one that sees through
spells? You traded a good magical pendant for a half-grown dragon?"
"Oh, give him a break, Aahz," Tanda interrupted."What do you expect letting him wander off alone thatway? You're lucky he didn't get stuck with half thetourist crud on Deva! Where were you all this time,anyway?"
"Well... I was... urn...."
"Don't tell me," she said, holding up a hand. "If Iknow you, you were either chasing a girl or stuffingyour face, right?"
"She's got you there, Aahz," I commented.
"Shut up, kid."
"... so don't get down on Skeeve here. Compared towhat could have happened to him, he didn't do halfbad. How did you find us. anyway?"
"I listened for the sounds of a fight and followed it,"Aahz admitted.
"See! You were expecting him to get into trouble.Might I point out he was doing just fine before youbarged in. He and his dragon had those thugs treed allby themselves. He's pretty handy with that magik, youknow."
"I know," Aahz responded proudly. "I taught him."
"Gee, thanks, Aahz."
"Shut up, kid."
"Gleep," said the dragon, craning his neck around tolook at Aahz upside down.
"A dragon, huh?" Aahz said, studying the dragonmore thoughtfully.
"He might help us against Isstvan," I suggestedhopefully.
"Isstvan?" Tanda asked quizzically.
"Yeah," Aahz replied. "You remember him, don'tyou? Well, he's up to his old tricks, this time on Klah."
"So that's what's going on, huh? Well, what are wegoing to do about it?"
"We?" I asked, surprised.
"Sure," she smiled. "This racket is a bit low class,like Aahz says. I might as well tag along with you twofor a while... if you don't mind, that is."
"Terrific!" I said, and meant it for a change.
"Not so fast, Tanda," Aahz cautioned. "There are afew details you haven't been filled in on yet."
"Such as?"
"Such as I've lost my powers."
"No fooling? Gee, that's tough."
"That means we'll be relying on the kid here to giveus cover in the magik department."
"All the more reason for me to come along. I'vepicked up a few tricks myself."
"I know," Aahz leered.
"Not like that," she said, punching him in the side.
"I mean magik tricks."
"Even so, it's not going to be easy."
"C'mon, Aahz," Tanda chided. "Are you trying tosay it wouldn't be helpful having a trained Assassin on
your side?"
"Well ... it could give us a bit of an advantage,"
Aahz admitted.
"Good! Then it's settled. What do we do first?"
"There're some stalls just around the corner thatcarry weapons," I suggested. "We could...."
"Relax, kid. I've already taken care of that."
"You have?" I asked, surprised.
"Yeah. I found just what we need over in the practical jokes section. I was just looking for you before weheaded back."
"Then we're ready to go?" Tanda asked.
"Yep," Aahz nodded, fishing the D-Hopper out ofhis shirt.
"What about my dragon?"
"What about him?"
"Are we going to take him with us?"
"Of course we're going to take him with us. We don'tleave anything of value behind."
"Gleep!" said the dragon.
". . . and he must be valuable to someone!" Aahzfinished, glaring at the dragon.
He pressed the button on the D-Hopper. The Bazaarwavered and faded . . . and we were back in Frumple'sshop... sort of.
"Interesting place you've got here," Tanda commented dryly. "Did you do the decor?"
All that was left of Frumple's shop was a burnt-outshell.
"One must deal openly and fairly with one's
forces if maximum effectiveness is to be
achieved."
D. VADER
"WHAT happened?" I demanded of Aahz.
"Hey, kid. I was on Deva, too. Remember?"
"Urn ... hey, guys. I hate to interrupt," Tanda interrupted, "but shouldn't something be done aboutdisguises?"
She was right. Being on Deva had made me forget themundane necessities of our existence. I ignored Aahz'ssarcastic reply and set to work.
Aahz returned to his now traditional Garkin disguise.Tanda was fine once I changed her complexion and thecolor of her hair. After a bit of thought, I disguisedGleep as the war unicorn. It was a bit risky, but it woulddo as long as he kept his mouth shut. Me, I left asmyself. I mean, what the heck. Tanda liked my looksthe way they were.
Fortunately the sun wasn't up yet, so there weren'tany people aboul to witness the transformation.
"Say, handsome," Tanda commented, observing theresults of my work, "you're a pretty handy guy to havearound."
"His name's Skeeve," Aahz grumbled.
"Whatever." Tanda murmured. "He's got style."
She snuggled up to me.
"Gleep!" said the dragon, pressing his head againstmy other side.
I was starting to feel awfully popular.
"If you can spare a few minutes, kid," Aahz commented dryly, "we do have a mission, remember?"
"That's right," I said, forcing my attention awayfrom Tanda's advances. "What do you think happenedtoFrumple?"
"Either the citizens of Twixt got wise to him, or he'soff to tell Isstvan we're coming, would be my twoguesses."
"Who's Frumple?" Tanda asked.
"Hmm? Oh, he's the resident Deveel," Aahz said."He's the one who helped us get to the Bazaar."
"... at sword point," I added sarcastically.
"What's a Deveel doing here?"
"All we know is that rumor has it he was barred fromDeva,"Itoldher.
"Hmm ... sounds like a bit of a nasty character."
"Well, he won't win any popularity contests."
"It occurs to me," Aahz interrupted, "that if eitherof my two guesses are correct, we'd best be on our way.Time seems to be running out."
'Right," agreed Tanda. "Which way is Isstvan?"'First, we've got to pick up Quigley," I inserted.'Why?" asked Aahz. "Oh, I suppose you're right,kid. We're going to need all the help we can muster."'Who's Quigley?" Tanda asked.
'Later, Tanda," Aahz insisted. "First help us see ifthere's anything here worth salvaging."
Unfortunately, there wasn't. In fact, there weren'teven the charred remains of anything left for our discovery. Even the garish sword I had left behind seemedto have vanished.
"That settles it," Aahz commented grimly as we completed our search. "He's on his way to Isstvan."
"The natives might have taken the sword after theyburned the place," I suggested hopefully.
"No way, kid. Even yokels like these wouldn't botherwith a crummy sword like that.''
"It was that bad?" Tanda asked.
"It was that bad," Aahz assured her firmly.
"If it was that worthless, why would Frumple take itwith him?" I asked.
"For the same reason we've been lugging it around,"Aahz said pointedly. "There's always some sucker tounload it on for a profit. Remember Quigley?"
"Who's Quigley?" Tanda insisted.
"Well," sighed Aahz, "at the moment he's a statue,but in duller times he's a demon hunter."
"Swell," she commented sarcastically. "Just what weneed."
"Wait until you meet him," Aahz rolled his eyes andsighed. "Oh well, let's go."
Our departure from Twixt was blissfully uneventful.On the road, we rehearsed our story until, by the timewe finally dug up Quigley and sprinkled him with the restoring power, we were ready to present a united front.
"Really? Turned to stone, you say?" he said, brushing the dirt from his clothes.
"Yes," Aahz assured him. "They were looting yourbody when we launched our counterattack. It's luckyfor you we decided to come back and fight at yourside."
"And they took my magik sword and my amulet?"
I felt a little uneasy on those subjects, but Aahz neverbatted an eye.
"That's right, the blackguards'" he snarled. "Wetried to stop them, but they eluded us."
"Well, at least they didn't get my war unicorn," muttered the demon hunter.
"Urn. ..." I said, bracing myself for my part in thischarade. "We've got some bad news about that, too."
"Bad news?" Quigley frowned, "I don't understand.I can see the beast with my own eyes and he seems fitenough."
"Oh, he's fine physically," Aahz reassured him. "butbefore they disappeared, the demons put a spell onhim."
"A spell?"
"Yes." I said. "Now he ... urn ... well... he thinkshe's a dragon."
"A dragon?" Quigley exclaimed.
"deep!" said the dragon.
"And that's not all," Aahz continued. "The beastwas so wild at first that only through the continued efforts of my squire here were we able to gentle him at all.Frankly, I was for putting the poor animal out of itsmisery, but he insisted he could tame it and you seebefore you the results of his patient teachings."
"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Quigley.
"No. That's terrible," corrected Aahz. "You see, inthe process, your animal has formed a strong attach-ment for my squire ... stronger, I fear, than his attach-ment for you."
"Hah! Ridiculous," Quigley proclaimed. "But I dofeel I owe you an additional debt of gratitude, lad. Ifthere's ever anything I can ..."
He began to advance on me with his hand extended.In a flash, Gleep was between us, head down and hissing.
Quigley froze, his eyes bulging with surprise."Stop that!" I ordered, cuffing the dragon.
"Gleep!" said the dragon, slinking back to his placebehind me.
"See what I mean?" Aahz said pointedly.
"Hnun. . . ." Quigley mumbled thoughtfully.
"That's strange, he never defended me that way.""I guess we'll just have to buy him from you," I saideagerly.
"Buy him?" Quigley turned his attention to me
again.
Aahz tried to catch my eye, shaking his head emphatically, but I ignored him.
"That's right," I continued. "He's no good to youthis way, and since we're sort of to blame for what happened to him. ..."
"Think nothing of it, lad." Quigley drew himself upproudly. "I give him to you as a gift. After all, if itweren't for you he'd be dead anyway, and so would I,for that matter."
"ButL..."
"No! I will hear nothing more." The demon hunter
held up a restraining hand. "The matter is closed. Treathim well, lad. He's a good animal."
"Terrific," muttered Aahz.
"Gleep," said the dragon.
I felt miserable. It had occurred to me that our plansinvolved taking shameless advantage of Quigley's gulli-bility. As he was my only fellow Klahd in this adven-ture, I had wanted to force Aahz into giving him somemoney under the guise of buying the "war unicorn." Itwould have salved my conscience a bit, but Quigley'sgenerosity and sense of fair play had ruined my plan.Now I felt worse than before.
"Actually, Quigley," Aahz smiled, "If there's any-one you should thank, it should be Tananda here. If itwere not for her, we would be in dire straits indeed."
"It's about time," mumbled Tanda, obviously unimpressed with Aahz's rhetoric.
"Charmed, milady," Quigley smiled, taking her handto kiss.
"She's a witch," added Aahz casually.
"A witch?" Quigley dropped her hand as if it had bit-ten him.
"That's right, sugar," Tanda smiled, batting her eyesat him.
"Perhaps I should explain," Aahz interrupted mer-cifully. "Tananda here has certain powers she has consented to use in support of our war on demons. Youalready noticed I have regained my normal appearance?"
Another blatant lie. Aahz was currently disguised asGarkin.
"Yes," the demon hunter admitted hesitantly.
"Tananda's work," Aahz confided. "Just as it washer powers that restored you after you had been turnedto stone."
"Hmmm...." Quigley said, looking at Tanda again.
"Really, you must realize, Quigley, that when onefights demons, sometimes it is helpful to employ ademon's weapons," Aahz admonished gently.
"Tananda here can be a powerful ally . . . andfrankly, I find your attitude toward her deplorable and
ungrateful."
"Forgive me, milady," Quigley sighed, stepping upto her again. "I did not mean to offend you. It's justthat . . . well . . . I've had some bad experiences withthose who associate with demons."
"Think nothing of it, sugar," said Tanda the demon,taking his hand, "And call me Tanda."
While they were occupied with each other, I seized theopportunity and snagged Aahz's arm.
"Hm? What is it, kid?"
"Give him back his sword!" I hissed.
"What? No way, kid. By my count he's still got fivepieces of gold left. I'll sell it to him."
"But he gave us his unicorn."
"He gave us a dragon . . . your dragon! I fail to seeanything benevolent in that."
"Look, Aahz. Either you give him that sword or youcan work your own magik! Get me?"
"Talk about ingratitude! Look kid, if you...."
"Aahz!" Tanda's voice interrupted our dispute."Come help me convince Quigley to join our mission."
"Would that I could, milady," Quigley sighed, "butI would be of little help. This late misfortune has left meafoot, weaponless, and penniless."
"Actually," Aahz chimed, "you still have five...."
I interrupted him with an elbow in his ribs.
"What was that, Aahz?" Quigley asked.
"Aah . . . my . . . um . . . squire and I were justdiscussing that and we have reached a decision. So ...um . . . so fine a warrior should not be left so destitute,so... um... we...."
"We've decided to give you back your sword," I announced proudly.
"Really?" Quigley's face lit up.
"I didn't know you had it in you, Aahz," Tandasmiled sweetly.
"I say, this is comradeship indeed." Quigley was obviously beside himself with joy. "How can I ever repayyou?"
"By never mentioning this to anyone," Aahz
growled.
"How's that again?"
"I said don't mention it," Aahz amended. "It's theleast we can do."
"Believe him," I smiled.
"Now I will gladly assist you on your mission," Quigley answered. "Why, with a weapon and good comrades, what more could a warrior ask for?"
"Money," Aahz said bluntly.
"Oh Aahz." Tanda punched him a little too hard forit to be playful. "You're such a kidder."
"Don't you want to know what the mission is?" Iasked Quigley.
"Oh, yes, I suppose you're right, lad. Forgive me. Iwas carried away by my enthusiasm."
"Tell him, Skeeve," prompted Tanda.
"Actually," I said, with a sudden flash of diplomacy,"Aahz explains it much better than I do."
"It's really quite simple," mumbled Aahz, still sulk-ing a bit. "We're going after Isstvan."
"Isstvan?" Quigley looked puzzled. "The harmlessold innkeeper?"
"Harmless? Harmless, did you say?" Aahz took thebait. "Quigley, as one demon hunter to another, you'vegot a lot to learn."
"I do all right for myself."
"Sure you do. That's why you got turned to stone,remember?"
"I got turned to stone because I put my faith in amagik sword that...."
Things were back to normal.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," I interrupted. "We weretalking about the upcoming mission."
"Right, kid. As I was saying, Quigley, that harmlessold innkeeper is working so closely with demons Iwouldn't be surprised to learn he was one himself."
"Impossible!" scoffed Quigley. "Why, the man sentme out hunting for demons."
"Ahh!" smiled Aahz. "Therein lies the story.'
I caught Tanda's eyes and winked. She smiled back atme and nodded. This might take a while, but as of nowQuigley was in the bag!
This is another fine myth you've gotten me
into!"
LOR L. AND HAR D.
THERE was something there in the shadows. I could
sense its presence more than see it. It was dark and
serpentine ... and it was watching me.
I was alone. I didn't know where the others had gone,
but I knew they were counting on me.
"Who's there? "I called.
The voice that came back to me out of the darkness
echoed hollowly.
"I am Isstvan, Skeeve. I've been waiting for you.""You know who I am?" I asked, surprised.
"I know all about you and your friends. I've known
all along what you're trying to do."
I tried to set wards about me, but I couldn't find a
force line. I tried to run, but I was rooted to the spot."See how my powers dwarf yours? And you expected
to challenge me."
I tried to fight back a wave of despair.
"Wait until the others come," I cried defiantly."They already have," the voice boomed. "Look!"Two objects came rolling at me out of the darkness. Isaw with horror that they were heads! Tanda's andQuigley's!
I felt ill, but clung to a shred of hope. There was stillno sign of Aahz. If he was still at large, we might....
"Don't look to your Pervert for help," the voiceanswered my thoughts. "I've dealt with him too."
Aahz appeared, sheathed in fire. He staggered andfell, writhing on the ground as the flames consumed his
body.
"Now it's just you and me, Skeeve!" the voice
echoed. "You and me."
"I'll go!" I shouted desperately. "You've won. Just
let me go."
The darkness was moving closer.
"It's too late. I'm coming for you Skeeve . . .Skeeve...."
"Skeeve!"
Something was shaking my shoulder. I bolted
upright, blinking my eyes as the world swam back into
focus.
The camp was asleep. Aahz was kneeling beside me,
the glow from the campfire's dying embers revealing theconcerned expression on his face.
"Wake up, kid! If you keep thrashing around, you'llend up in the fire."
"It's Isstvan!" I explained desperately. "He knowsall about us."
"What?"
"I was talking to him. He came into my dream!"
"Hmmm . . . sounds more like a plain old nightmare," Aahz proclaimed. "I warned you not to letTanda season the food."
"Are you sure?" I said doubtfully.
"Positive," Aahz insisted. "If Isstvan knew we werecoming, he'd hit us with something a lot more powerfulthan making faces at you in a dream."
I guess that was supposed to reassure me. It didn't.All it did was remind me I was thoroughly outclassed inthe upcoming campaign.
"Aahz, can't you tell me anything about Isstvan?
What he looks like, for instance."
"Not a chance, kid," Aahz grinned at me.
"Why not?"
"Because we won't both see him the same way, or atleast we wouldn't describe him the same way. If Idescribe him to you, one of two things will happen whenyou first see him. If he looks scarier to you than I'vedescribed him, you'll freeze. If he looks more harmlessthan I've described him, you'll relax. Either way, it'llslow your reactions and give him the first move. There'sno point in gaining the element of surprise if we aren'tgoing to use it."
"Well," I persisted. "Couldn't you at least tell meabout his powers? What can he do?"
"For one thing, it would take too long. Just assumethat if you can imagine it, he can do it."
"What's the other?" I asked.
"The other what?"
"You said 'for one thing.' That implies you have atleast one other reason."
"Hmm," Aahz pondered. "Well, I'm not sure you'llunderstand, but to a certain degree what he can do, Imean the whole list, is irrelevant."
"Why?"
"Because we're taking the initiative. That puts him ina reactive instead of an active role."
"You're right," I said thoughtfully. "I don't understand."
"Look kid, if we just sat here and waited for him, hecould take his time and choose exactly what he wantedto do and when he wanted to do it. That's an active roleand lets him play with his entire list of powers. Right?"
"I guess so."
"But we aren't doing that. We're carrying the attackto him. That should limit him as to what he can do.There are only a certain number of responses he can successfully use to each of our gambits, and he'll have touse them because he can't afford to ignore the attack.Most of all, we'll rob him of time. Instead of leisurelychoosing what he's going to do next, he'll have tochoose fast. That means he'll go with the option he'ssurest of, the one he does best."
I considered this for a few moments. It sort of madesense.
"Just one question, Aahz," I asked finally.
"What's that, kid?"
"What if you've guessed wrong?"
"Then we drop back ten and punt," he answered
lightly.
"What's a...."
"Then we try something else," he amended hastily.
"Like what?"
"Can't tell yet," Aahz shrugged. "Too many vari-ables. We're going with my best guess right now.Beyond that we'll just have to wait and see."
We sat staring into the dying fire for a few minutes,each lost in our own thoughts.
"Say, Aahz?" I said at last.
"Yea, kid?"
"Do you think we'll reach Isstvan before Frumple
does?"
"Relax, kid. Frumple's probably drinking wine andpinching bottoms in some other dimension by now."
"But you said...."
"I've had time to think about it since then. The onlyreason a Deveel does anything is for a profit or out offear. As far as his sticking his head into this brawl goes,I figure the fear will outweigh the profit. Trying to sellinformation to a madman is risky at best. My bet is he'slying low until the dust settles."
I reminded myself again of my faith in Aahz's exper-tise in such matters. It occurred to me, however, therewas an awful lot of guesswork in our planning.
"Um, Aahz? Wouldn't it be a little safer if we had invested in a couple of those jazzy weapons back in
Deva?"
"We don't need them," he replied firmly. "Besides,they're susceptible to Gremlins. I'd rather go into afight with a crude but reliable weapon than pin my hopes on a contraption that's liable to malfunctionwhen you need it most."
"Where are Gremlins from?" I asked.
"What?"
"Gremlins. You said...."
"Oh, that. It's just a figure of speech. There are nosuch things as Gremlins."
I was only listening with half an ear. I suddenly realized that while I could see Quigley's sleeping form, therewas no sign of Tanda or Gleep.
"Where's ... urn ... where's Gleep?" I asked
abruptly.
Aahz grinned at me.
"Gleep is standing watch . . . and just in case you'reinterested, so's Tanda."
I was vaguely annoyed he had seen through me soeasily, but was determined not to show it.
"When is... um... are they coming back?"
"Relax, kid. I told Tanda to leave you alone tonight.You need the sleep for tomorrow."
He jerked his head pointedly toward the assassin'srobe I had been using for a pillow. I grudgingly resumedmy horizontal position.
"Did I wake you up, Aahz?" I asked apologetically."With the nightmare, I mean."
"Naw. I was still up. Just making a few last-minutepreparations for tomorrow.''
"Oh," I said drowsily.
"Say, uh, kid?"
"Yes, Aahz?"
"We probably won't have much time to talk tomorrow when Quigley's awake, so while we've got a fewminutes alone I want to say however it goes tomorrow... well... it's been nice working with you, kid."
"Gee, Aahz...." I said starting to sit up.
A rough hand interrupted me and pushed me backdown.
"Sleep!" Aahz commanded, but there was a gentlenote lurking in his gruff tone.
"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever
gone as planned."
D. GRAEME
WE crouched in a grove of small trees on a knolloverlooking the inn, studying our target. The inn was asQuigley had described it, an isolated two-story buildingwith an attached stable squatting by a road overgrownwith weeds. If Isstvan was relying on transients to support his business, he was in trouble, except we knew hewas doing no such thing. He was mustering his strengthto take over the dimensions, and the isolated inn was aperfect base for him to work from.
"Are you sure there are no wards?" Aahz whispered.
He addressed his question to Tanda. She in turn shotme a glance. I gave a small nod of my head.
"Positive," she whispered back.
It was all part of our plan. As far as Quigley was concerned, Tanda was the only one of our group that hadany supernatural powers.
"Good," said the demon hunter. "Demon powers
make me uneasy. The less we have to deal with, the bet-ter I like it."
"Don't get your hopes up," Aahz commented, nottaking his eyes from the inn. "They're there all right.
The easier it is to get in, the harder it'll be to get out...and they're making it awfully easy for us to get in."
"I don't like it," said Tanda firmly.
"Neither do I," admitted Aahz. "But things aren'tgoing to get any better, so let's get started. You might aswell get into disguise now."
"Right, Aahz," she said.
Neither of them looked at me. In fact Aahz stareddirectly at Tanda. This kept Quigley's attention on heralso, though I must admit it helped that she began towrithe and gyrate wildly. Unobserved, I shut my eyes and got to work.
I was getting pretty good at this disguise game, whichwas fortunate because I was going to be sorely tested to-day. With a few masterful strokes, I converted Tanda'slovely features into the dubious face of the Imp Higgens... or rather Higgens's human disguise. This done, I opened my eyes again.
Tanda was still gyrating. It was a pleasant enoughsight that I was tempted to prolong it, but we had workto do. I cleared my throat and Tanda acknowledged the signal by stopping.
"How do I look?" she asked proudly.
"Terrific!" I exclaimed with no trace of modesty.
Aahz shot me a dirty look.
"It's uncanny!" Quigley marveled. "How do you do
that?"
"Professional secret." Tanda winked at him.
"Off with you!" Aahz commanded. "And you too,
Skeeve."
"But Aahz, couldn't I...."
"No you can't. We've discussed it before. This mission's far too dangerous for a lad of your inexperience."
"Oh.all right, Aahz," I said, crestfallen.
"Cheer up, lad," Quigley told me. "Your day willcome. If we fail, the mission falls to you."
"I suppose so. Well, good luck...."
I turned to Tanda, but she was already gone, vanished
as if the ground had swallowed her up.
"I say!" exclaimed Quigley. "She does move quietly,doesn't she?"
"I told you she could handle herself," Aahz saidproudly. "Now it's your turn, Skeeve."
"Right, Aahz!"
I turned to the dragon.
"Stay here, Gleep. I'll be back soon, and until thenyou do what Aahz says. Understand?"
"Gleep?" said the dragon, cocking his head.
For a minute I thought he was going to ruin everything, but then he turned and slunk to Aahz's side andstood there regarding me with mournful blue eyes.
Everything was ready.
"Well, good-bye. Good luck!" I called, and trudgedslowly back over the knoll, hopefully a picture of abjectmisery.
Once out of sight, however, I turned and began tosprint as fast as I could in a wide circle around the inn.
On the surface, our plan was quite simple. Aahz andQuigley were to give Tanda enough time to circlearound the inn and enter it over the stable roof. Thenthey were to boldly enter the front door. Supposedlythis would create a diversion, allowing Tanda to attackIsstvan magically from the rear. I was to wait safely onthe knoll until the affair was settled.
In actuality, our plan was a bit more complex. Unbe-knownst to Quigley, I was also supposed to circle theinn and find a covert entrance. Then, at the appropriatemoment, Tanda and I were to create a magical diversion, allowing Aahz to use the secret weapon he had acquired on Deva.
A gully blocked my path. I took to the air withouthesitation and flew over it. I had to be in position intime, or Aahz would have no magical support at all.
Actually magik was quite easy here. The inn was sitting squarely on an intersection of two ground forcelines, while a force line in the air passed directly overhead. Whatever happened in the upcoming battle ofmagik, we wouldn't suffer for a lack of energy.I wished I knew more about Aahz's secret weapon.He had been doggedly mysterious about it, and neitherTanda nor I had been able to pry any information out ofhim. He had said it had to be used at close range. Hehad said it couldn't be used while Isstvan was watchinghim. He had said it was our only hope to beat Isstvan.He had said it was supposed to be a surprise.
Terrific!
Maybe when all this was over I would find a mentorwho didn't have a sense of humor.
I slowed my pace. I was coming to the back of the innnow. The brush had grown right up to the wall, whichmade my approach easy.
I paused and checked for wards again.
Nothing.
Trying to force Aahz's "easy in, hard out" prophecyfrom my mind, I scanned the upper windows. None ofthem were open, so I chose the nearest one and levitatedto it. Hovering there, I cautiously pushed, then pulled atthe frame.
Locked!
Hurriedly, I pulled myself along the wall with my
hands to the next window.
Also locked.
It occurred to me it would be ironic if, after all ourmagical preparations, we were stopped by something asmundane as a locked window.
To my relief, the next window yielded to my pressure,and in a moment I was standing inside the inn, trying to
get my heartbeat under control.
The room I was in was furnished, but vacant. Judgingfrom the dust on the bed, it had been vacant for some
time.
I wondered for a moment where demons slept, if they
slept at all, then forced the question from my mind.Time was running out and I wasn't in position yet.I darted silently across the room and tried the door.
Unlocked!
Getting down on my hands and knees, I eased the
door open and crawled through, pushing it shut behindme.
After studying the inn's interior so often in Quigley'sdirt sketches, it seemed strange to actually be here. I wason the long side of an L-shaped mezzanine which gaveaccess to the upper-story rooms. Peering through thebars of the railing that lined the mezzanine, 1 could lookdown into the inn proper.
There were three people currently occupying a tablebelow, I recognized the disguised features of Higgensand Brockhurst as two of them. The third was sittinghunched with his back to me and I couldn't make outhis face.
I was debating shifting to another position to get abetter view, when a fourth figure entered bearing anenormous tray with a huge jug of wine on it as well as anassortment of dirty flagons.
"This round's on the house, boys!" the figure chortled merrily. "Have one on old Isstvan."
Isstvan! That was Isstvan?
The waddling figure below did not seem to displayany of the menacing features I had expected in a wouldbe ruler of the dimensions.
Quickly I checked him for a magical aura. There wasnone. It wasn't a disguise. He really looked like that. Istudied him carefully.
He was tall, but his stoutness kept his height frombeing imposing. He had long white hair and a longerwhite beard which nearly covered his chest with itsfullness. His bright eyes were set in a face that seemed tobe permanently smiling, and his nose and cheeks wereflushed, though whether from drink or laughter Icouldn't tell.
This was the dark figure of evil I had been dreadingall these weeks? He looked to be exactly what Quigleysaid he was... a harmless old innkeeper.
A movement at the far end of the mezzanine caughtmy eye. Tanda! She was crouched behind the railing as Iwas on the other side of the stairs, and at first I thoughtI had just seen the movement of her easing into position. Then she looked my way and cautiously waved herhand again, and I realized she was signaling for my attention.
I waved an acknowledgment, which she must have
seen, for she stopped signaling and changed to anotherset of actions. Glancing furtively at the figures below tobe sure she wasn't observed, she began a strange pan-tomime.
First she made several repeated gestures around her
forehead, then pointed urgently behind her.
I didn't understand, and shook my head to convey
this.
She repeated the gestures more emphatically, and this
time I realized she was actually pointing down andbehind her. The stables! Something about the stables.
But what about the stables?
I considered her first gesture again. She appeared tobe stabbing herself in the forehead. Something had hither in the stables? She had killed something in the stables?
I shook my head again. She bared her teeth at me in
frustration.
"Innkeep!"
I jumped a foot at the bellow.
Aahz and Quigley had just walked through the door.Whatever Tanda was trying to tell me would just have to
wait. Our attack had begun.
"Two flagons of your best wine . . . and send someone to see to my unicorn."
Aahz was doing all the talking, of course. It had been
agreed that he would take the lead in the conversation.Quigley hadn't been too happy about that, but in theend had consented to speaking only when absolutely necessary.
Their entrance had had surprisingly little impact onthe assemblage below. In fact, Isstvan was the only one
to even look in their direction.
"Come in. Come in, gentlemen," he smiled, spreading his arms wide in welcome. "We've been expecting
you!"
"You have?" blurted Quigley, echoing my thoughts."Of course, of course. You shouldn't try to fool oldIsstvan." He shook a finger at them in mock sternness."Word was just brought to us by ... oh, I'm sorry. Ihaven't introduced you to my new purchasing agentyet."
"We've met," came the voice of the hunched figureas he turned to face them.
Frumple!
That's what Tanda had been trying to tell me! Thewar unicorn, Quigley's unicorn, was down in the stable.For all our speed, Frumple had gotten here ahead of us.
"Who are you?" asked Quigley, peering at the
Deveel.
For some reason this seemed to set Isstvan off intopeals of laughter from his eyes. "We are going to havesuch fun this afternoon!"
He gestured absently and the inn door slammed shut.There was a sudden ripple of dull clunks behind me, andI realized the room doors were locking themselves. Wewere sealed in! All of us.
"I don't believe I've had such a good time since Imade love to my week-dead sister."
Isstvan's voice was still jovial, but it struck an icynote of fear within me. I realized that not only was he apowerful magician, he was quite insane.
"Ya gotta be subtle!"
M. HAMMER
THERE was a tense, expectant silence as the foursomeleaned forward to study their captives. It was as if twosongbirds had tried to edge through a crowd of vulturesto steal a snack only to find they were the intendedmeal.
I knelt, watching in frozen horror, fully expecting towitness the immediate demise of my two allies.
"Since Frumple's already announced us," Aahz saidsmoothly, "I guess there's no need to maintain this disguise."
The confident tone of his voice steadied my shatterednerve. We were in it now, and win or lose we'd just haveto keep going.
Quickly, I shut my eyes and removed Aahz's Garkindisguise.
"Aahz!" cried Isstvan in delight. "I should haveknown it was you."
"He's the one who...." Brockhurst began.
"Do you two know each other?" Frumple asked, ignoring the Imp.
"Know each other?" Isstvan chortled. "We're oldenemies. He and a couple other scalawags nearly destroyed me the last time we met."
"Well it's our turn now, right Isstvan?" smiled Higgens, leisurely reaching for his crossbow.
"Now, now!" said Isstvan, picking.the Imp up by hishead and shaking him gently. "Mustn't rush things."
"Seems to me," Aahz sneered, "that you're havingtrouble finding decent allies, Isstvan."
"Oh, Aahz," Isstvan laughed. "Still the sharp
tongue,eh?"
"Imps?" Aahz's voice was scornful. "C'mon, Isstvan. Even you can do better than that."
Isstvan sighed and dropped Higgens back in his chair.
"Well, one does what one can. Inflation, you know."
He shook his head sadly, then brightened again.
"Oh you don't know how glad I am to see you, Aahz.I thought I was going to have to wait until we conqueredPerv before I got my revenge, and here you just walk in.Now don't you dare pop off before we've settled ourscore."
"I told you before," Frumple interrupted. "He's losthis powers."
"Powers. Hmph! He never had any powers," Quigley chimed in, baited from his frightened silence at theinsult of having been ignored.
"Well, who do we have here?" Isstvan smiled, looking at Quigley for the first time. "Have we met?"
"Say Isstvan," interrupted Aahz. "Mind if I havesome of that wine? No reason to be barbaric aboutthis."
"Certainly. Aahz." Isstvan waved him forward.
"Help yourself."
It was eerie listening to the conversation: apparentlycivilized and friendly, it had a cat-and-mouse undercur-rent which belied the casual tones.
"Watch him!" Frumple hissed, glaring at Aahz.
"Oh Frumple! You are such a wart," isstvan scolded."Why you were the one who assured me that he had losthis powers."
"Well, I think he makes sense," Brockhurst grumbled, rising and backing away as Aahz approached thetable. "If you don't mind, Isstvan, I'll watch from overhere."
He sat on the bottom steps of the flight of stairs heading up to the mezzanine where Tanda and I were hidden.His tone was conversational, but it was clear he was on-ly waiting for Isstvan's signal to loose him on thehelpless pair.
"Oh, you Imps are worse than the Deveels!" Isstvanscowled.
"That's a given," Frumple commented dryly.
"Now look, Frumple...." Higgens began angrily."As to who this figure is," Frumple pointed toQuigley. ignoring the Imps. "That is Garkin's apprentice. He's the one who's been handling the magik forour Pervert since he lost his powers."
"Really?" asked Isstvan eagerly. "Can you do thecups and balls trick? I love the cups and balls trick."
"I don't understand," mumbled Quigley vacantly,backing away from the assemblage.
Well, if we were ever going to have a diversion, itwould have to be now. Closing my eyes, I changedQuigley's features. The obvious choice for his disguisewas... me!
"See," said Frumple pointing proudly. "I told youso."
"Throckwoddle!" exclaimed the two Imps simultaneously.
"What?" said Frumple narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
I was ready for them. As the exclamations rose, Ichanged Quigley again. This time, I gave him Throckwoddle features.
"Why, it is Throckwoddle," cried Isstvan. "Oh
that's funny."
"Wait a minute!" Brockhurst hissed. "How couldyou be Throckwoddle when we turned you into a statuebefore we caught up with Throckwoddle?"
This set Isstvan off into even greater peals of laughter.
"Stop," he called breathless. "Oh stop. Oh! My ribshurt. Aahz, you've outdone yourself this time.""It's nothing really," Aahz acknowledged modestly."There's something wrong here!" Frumple declared.He plunged a hand deep into his robe, never takinghis eyes from Quigley. Almost too late I realized whathe was doing. He was going for his crystal, the one thatlet him detect disguises. As the glittering baubleemerged, I swung into action.
A simple levitation, a small flick with my mind, andthe crystal popped out of Frumple's grasp and ploppedinto the wine jug.
"Framitz!" Frumple swore, starting to fish for hispossession.
"Get your hands out of the wine, Frumple!" Aahzchided slapping his wrist. "You'll get your toy when wefinish the jug!"
As if to illustrate his point, he hefted the jug andbegan refilling the flagons around the table.
"Enough of this insanity!" Quigley exploded.
I winced at the use of the word "insanity," but Isstvan didn't seem to mind. He merely leaned forward to
watch Quigley.
"I am neither Skeeve nor Throckwoddle," Quigleycontinued, "I am Quigley, demon hunter extraordi-naire! Let any dispute who dare, and man or demon I'll show him who I am!"
This proved too much for Isstvan, who actually collapsed in laughter.
"Oh he's funny, Aahz," he gasped. "Where did you
find this funny man?"
"You sent him to me, remember?" Aahz prompted.
"Why so I did, so I did," Isstvan mused, and eventhis fact he seemed to find hysterically funny.
The others were not so amused.
"So you're a demon hunter, eh?" Frumple snarled."What's your gripe anyway?"
"The offenses of demons are too numerous to list,"
Quigley retorted haughtily.
"We aren't going anywhere for a while," Brockhurst
chimed in from the stairs. "And neither are you. List usa few of these offenses.''
"Well..." began Quigley, "you stole my magik pendant and my magik sword...."
"We don't know anything about a magik pendant."Higgens bristled. "And we gave your so-called magiksword to...."
"What else do demons do?" Frumple interrupted,apparently none too eager to have the discussion turn toswords.
"Well. .. you bewitched my war unicorn into thinking he's a dragon!" Quigley challenged.
"Your war unicorn is currently tethered in thestable," Higgens stated flatly. "Frumple brought himin."
"My unicorn is tethered outside the door!" Quigleyinsisted. "And he thinks he's a dragon!"
"Your unicorn is tethered in the stable," Higgensbarked back. "And we think you're a fruitcake!"
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Isstvan managed to holdup his hands despite his laughter. "All this is quiteamusing, but... well, will you look at that!"
This last was said in such a tone of wonder that the attention of everyone in the room was immediately drawnto the spot he was looking at.
Suspended in midair, not two hand-spans from
Isstvan's head, was a small red dart with gold and blackfletchings.
"An assassin's dart!" Isstvan marveled, gently pluck-ing the missile from where it was hovering. "Now whowould be naughty enough to try to poison me frombehind?"
His eyes slowly moved to Brockhurst sitting casuallyon the stairs.
Brockhurst suddenly realized he was the object ofeveryone's attention. His eyes widened in fright.
"No! I... Wait! Isstvan!" he half-rose holding out ahand as if to ward off a blow. "I didn't. . . No! Don't.Glaag!"
This last was said as his hands suddenly flew to histhroat and began choking him violently.
"Glaak ... eak ... urk...."
He fell back on the stairs and began rolling frantically
back and forth.
"Isstvan," Higgens began hesitantly, "normally Iwouldn't interfere, but don't you think you should hearwhat he has to say, first? "
"But I'm not doing anything/' Isstvan blinked with
hurt innocence. ~
My eyes flashed to the other end of the mezzanine.Tanda was crouched there, her eyes closed. She seemedto be choking an invisible person on the floor in front ofher. With dawning realization, I began to appreciatemore and more the subtleties of a trained assassin.
"You aren't doing anything?" Higgens shrilled,"Well, then do something! He's dying!" "
I thought for a moment that the ludicrous statementwould set Isstvan to laughing again, but riot this time.
"Oh," he sighed. "This is all so confusing. Yes, Iguess you're right."
He clicked his fingers and Brockhurst stopped thrashing about and began breathing again in long, raggedbreaths.
"Here, old boy," said Aahz. "Have some wine."
He offered Brockhurst a brimming flagon which theImp began to gulp gratefully.
"Aahz," Isstvan said sternly. "I don't think you'vebeen honest with us."
"Me?" Aahz asked innocently.
"Even you couldn't have caused this much havocwithout assistance. Now where is it coming from?"
He closed his eyes and turned his face toward the ceiling for a moment.
"Aah!" he suddenly proclaimed. "Here it is."
There was a squawk from the other end of the mezzanine and Tanda was suddenly lifted into view by un-seen hands.
"Higgens!" exclaimed Isstvan, "Another one! Well,well, the day is full of surprises."
Tanda held her silence as she was floated down to achair on a level with the others.
"Now let's see." Isstvan mumbled to himself. "Havewe missed anybody?"
I felt the sudden pressure of invisible forces andrealized I was next. I tried desperately to think of adisguise, but the only thing that came to mind was Gleep... so I tried it.
"A dragon!" cried Brockhurst as I floated into view.
"Gleep!" I said, rolling my eyes desperately.
"Oh now that's too much," Isstvan pouted. "I wantto see who I'm dealing with."
He gave a vacant wave of his hand, and the disguisesdisappeared . . . all of them. I was me, Quigley wasQuigley, Tanda was Tanda, the Imps were Imps, andthe Deveel was a Deveel. Aahz, of course, was Aahz.Apparently a moratorium had been declared on disguises ... by a majority of one ... Isstvan.
I came drifting down to join the others, but my entrance was generally ignored in the other proceedings.
"Tanda!" Isstvan cried enthusiastically. "Well, well.This is a reunion, isn't it?"
"Bark at the moon, Isstvan," Tanda snarled defiantly.
Quigley was looking at everyone else with such speedI thought his head would fall off.
"I don't understand!" he whimpered plaintively.
"Shut up, Quigley," Aahz growled. "We'll explainlater."
"That's assuming there is a later," Frumple sneered.
I tended to agree with Frumple. The atmosphere, inthe room no longer had even the semblance of joviality.It was over. We had lost. We were all exposed and captured, and Isstvan was as strong as ever. WhateverAahz's secret weapon was, it apparently hadn't worked.
"Well, I'm afraid all good things must come to anend," Isstvan sighed, draining his flagon. "Now I'mafraid I'll have to dispose of you."
He sounded genuinely sad, but somehow I couldn'tmuster any sympathy for his plight.
"Just one question before we begin, Aahz," he askedin surprisingly sane tones.
"What's that?" Aahz responded.
"Why did you do it? I mean, with as feeble a team asthis, how did you possibly hope to beat me?"
Isstvan sounded genuinely sincere.
"Well, Isstvan," Aahz drawled, "that's a matter ofopinion."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Isstvan asked
suspiciously.
"I don't 'hope' we can beat you," Aahz smiled. "Iknow we can."
"Really?" Isstvan chuckled. "And upon what areyou basing your logic?"
"Why, I'm basing it on the fact that we've alreadywon," Aahz blinked innocently. "It's all over, Isstvan,whether you realize it or not."
"Just because you've beaten a sorcerer,
doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer."
TOTH-AAMON
"AAHZ," Isstvan said sternly, "there comes a timewhen even your humor wears a little thin."
"I'm not kidding, Isstvan," Aahz assured him.
"You've lost your powers. Go ahead, try something.Anything!"
Isstvan hesitated. He closed his eyes.
Nothing happened.
"You see?" Aahz shrugged. "You've lost your
powers. All of them. And don't look to your associatesfor help. They're all in the same boat."
"You mean we've really won?" I blurted out, the fullimpact of what was transpiring finally starting to sinkin.
"That's right, kid."
Aahz suddenly leaned forward and clapped Frumpleon the shoulder.
"Congratulations, Frumple," he exclaimed. 'Tvegot to admit I didn't think you could do it."
"What?" blinked the Deveel.
"I'm just glad this squares our debt with you," Aahzcontinued without pause. "You won't try to back outon it now, will you?"
"Frumple!" Isstvan's voice was dark with menace."Did you do this to us?"
"I.. . I...." Frumple stammered.
"Go ahead, Frumple. Gloat!" Aahz encouraged.
"He can't do anything to you now. Besides, you canteleport out of here anytime you want."
"No, he can't!" snarled Higgens, and his arm flashedforward.
I caught a glimpse of a small ball flying through theair before it exploded against Frumple's forehead in acloud of purple dust.
"But...." began Frumple, but it was too late.
In mid-gesture his limbs became rigid and his facefroze. We had another statue on our hands.
"Good move, Higgens," applauded Aahz.
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble, Aahz," interrupted Isstvan. "Could you explain what's going on
here?"
"Aah!" said Aahz, "therein lies the story."
"This sounds familiar," Quigley mumbled.
I poked him in the ribs with my elbow. We weren't
out of this yet.
"It seems that Frumple learned about your plansfrom Throckwoddle. Apparently he was afraid that ifyou succeeded in taking over the dimensions, you wouldimplement price controls, thereby putting him out ofbusiness as a merchant. You know how those Deveelsare."
The Imps snorted. Isstvan nodded thoughtfully."Anyway, he decided to try to stop you. To ac-complish this, he blackmailed the four of us intoassisting him. We were to create a diversion while he effected the actual attack."
"Well, what did he do?" prompted Higgens.
"He drugged the wine!" explained Aahz. "Don't youremember?"
"When?" asked Brockhurst.
"When he dropped that phony crystal into the jug.remember?"
"But he drank from the jug, too!" exclaimed Higgens.
"That's right, but he had taken an antidote in advance," Aahz finished with a flourish.
"So we're stuck here!" Brockhurst spat in disgust.
"You know, Aahz," Isstvan said slowly. "It occursto me that even if everything happened exactly as youdescribed it, you and your friends here played a fairlylarge part in the plot."
"You're right, Isstvan," Aahz admitted, "but I'mprepared to offer you a bargain."
"What kind of a bargain?" Isstvan asked suspiciously.
"It's in two parts. First, to clear Tanda and myselffrom having opposed you in your last bid for power, Ican offer transportation for you and your allies out ofthis dimension."
"Hmm...." said Isstvan. "And the second part?"
"For the second part, I can give you the ultimatevengeance to visit on Frumple here. In exchange, I wantyour promise you'll bear no grudge against the four ofus for our part in today's misfortune."
"Pardon for four in exchange for vengeance on
one?" Isstvan grunted. "That doesn't sound like muchof a deal."
"I think you're overlooking something, Isstvan,"Aahz cautioned.
"What's that?"
"You've lost your powers. That makes it four of usagainst three of you."
"Look at your four," Brockhurst sneered. "A wom-an, a half-trained apprentice, a broken-down demonhunter and a Pervert."
"Broken-down?" Quigley scowled.
"Easy, Quigley . . . and you too. Tanda," Aahzordered. "Your three are nothing to brag about either,Brockhurst. Two Imps who've lost their powers and afat madman."
Surprisingly, this seemed to revive Isstvan's humor.The Imps were not amused.
"Now look, Aahz," Higgens began, "if you want afight...."
"You miss the point entirely, gentlemen," Aahz saidsoothingly. "I'm trying to avoid a fight. I'm merely try-ing to point out that if this comes to a fight, you'lllose."
"Not necessarily," Brockhurst bristled.
"Inescapably," Aahz insisted. "Look, if we fight andwe win, you lose. On the other hand, if we fight and welose, you lose."
"How do you figure that?" Higgens asked suspiciously.
"Simple!" said Aahz smugly, "If you kill us, you'llhave lost your only way to get out of this dimension.You'll be stuck forever on Klah. By my figuring, that'slosing."
"We're in agreement there," Brockhurst mumbled.
"Oh, stop this bickering!" Isstvan interrupted with achuckle. "Aahz is right, as usual. He may have lost acouple of fights, both magical and physical, but I'venever heard of anyone out-arguing him."
"Then it's a deal?" Aahz asked.
"It's a deal!" Isstvan said firmly. "As if we had any
choice in the matter."
They shook hands ceremoniously.
I noticed the Imps were whispering together andshooting dark glances in our direction. I wondered if adeal with Isstvan was binding on the Imps. I wonderedif a handshake was legally binding in a situation such asthis. But most of all, I wondered what Aahz had up his sleeve this time.
"Well, Aahz?" Isstvan asked, "Where is this escapeclause you promised?"
"Right here!" Aahz said, fishing a familiar objectfrom inside his shirt and tossing it to Isstvan.
"A D-Hopper!" Isstvan cried with delight. "I
haven't seen one of these since...."
"What is it?" Higgens interrupted.
Isstvan scowled at him.
"It's our ticket off this dimension," he exclaimedgrudgingly.
"How does it work?" Brockhurst asked suspiciously.
"Trust me, gentlemen." Isstvan's distasteful expression gave lie to the joviality of his words. "It works."
He turned to Aahz again.
"Imps!" he mumbled to himself.
"You hired 'em," Aahz commented, unsympathetic-ally.
"So I did. Well, what is this diabolical vengeance youhave in mind for Frumple?"
"That's easy," smiled Aahz. "Use the D-Hopper andtake him back to Deva."
"Why Deva?" Isstvan asked.
"Because he's been banned from Deva," Higgens
answered, the light dawning.
"... and the Deveels are unequaled at meting outpunishment to those who break their laws," Brockhurstfinished with an evil smile.
"Why was Frumple banned from Deva?" Tanda
whispered to me.
"I don't know," I confided. "Maybe he gave a re-fund or something."
"I don't believe it," she snorted, "I mean he is aDeveel."
"Aahz," Isstvan smiled, regarding the D-Hopper,"I've always admired your sense of humor. It's evennastier than mine."
"What do you expect from a Pervert?" snorted
Brockhurst.
"Watch your mouth. Imp," I snarled.
He was starting to get on my nerves.
"Then it's settled!" Isstvan chortled, clapping hishands together gleefully. "Brockhurst! Higgens! Comegather around Frumple here. We're off to Deva."
"Right now?" asked Brockhurst.
"With . . . things here so unsettled?" Higgens added,glancing at us again.
"Oh, we won't be long," Isstvan assured them.
"There's nothing here we can't come back and pick up
later."
"That's true," admitted Brockhurst, staring at me
thoughtfully.
"Umm ... Isstvan?"
It was Quigley.
"Are you addressing me?" Isstvan asked with mockformality.
"Yes." Quigley looked uncomfortable. "Am I to
understand you are all about to depart for some placecompletely populated with demons?"
"That is correct," Isstvan nodded.
"Could . . . that is ... would you mind if I accompanied you?"
"What?" I exclaimed, genuinely startled. "Why?"
"Well . . ." Quigley said hesitantly, "if there is onething I have learned this day, it's that I really know verylittle about demons."
"Hear, hear!" mumbled Aahz.
"I am undecided as to whether or not to continue inmy chosen profession," Quigley continued, "but in anycase it behooves me to learn more about demons. Whatbetter place could there be for such study than in a landcompletely populated with demons?"
"Why should we burden ourselves with a demon
hunter of all things?" Brockhurst appealed to Isstvan.
"Maybe we could teach him a few things about
demons," Higgens suggested in an overly innocentvoice, giving his partner a covert poke in the side.
"What? Hmm . . . You know, you're right, Higgens." Brockhurst was suddenly smiling again.
"Good!" exclaimed Isstvan. "We'll make a party of
it."
"In that case," purred Tanda, "you won't mind if I
tag along, too."
"What?" exclaimed Brockhurst.
"Why?" challenged Higgens.
"To help, of course," she smiled. "I want to be therewhen you teach Quigley about demons. Maybe I canhelp him learn."
"Wonderful, wonderful," Isstvan beamed, over---
riding the Imps' objections. "The more the merrier.Aahz? Skeeve? Will you be joining us?"
"Not this time, thanks," Aahz replied before I couldopen my mouth. "The kid here and I have a few thingsto go over that won't wait."
"Like what? "I asked.
"Shut up, kid," Aahz hissed, then smiled again at thegroup. "You all run along. We'll be here when youcomeback."
"We'll be looking forward to it." Brockhurst smiledgrimly.
"G'bye, Aahz, Skeeve!" Tanda waved. "I'll look foryou next time around."
"But Tanda.. .."I began.
"Don't worry, lad," Quigley assured me. "I'll makesure nothing happens to her."
Behind him, Tanda shot me a bawdy wink.
"Aahz!" Isstvan chuckled. "I do enjoy your company. We must work together more often."
He adjusted the settings on the D-Hopper and prepared to trigger it.
"Good-bye, Isstvan." Aahz smiled and waved. "Remember me!"
There was a rippling in the air and they were gone. Allof them.
"Aahz!" I said urgently. "Did you see how thoseImps looked at us?"
"Hmm? Oh. Yeah, kid. I told you they were viciouslittle creatures."
"But what are we going to do when they get back?""Don't worry about it, kid."
"Don't worry about it!" I shrieked. "We've gotto...."
". . . because they aren't coming back," Aahz finished.
That stopped me.
"But... when they get done on Deva...."
"That's the joke, kid," Aahz grinned at me. "Theyaren't going to Deva."
"A woman, like a good piece of music,
should have a solid end."
F. SCHUBERT
"THEY aren't going to Deva?"
I was having a rough time dealing with the concept.
"That's right, kid," Aahz said, pouring himself somemore wine.
"But Isstvan set the D-Hopper himself."
"Yeah!" Aahz grinned smugly. "But last night Imade one extra preparation for this sortie. I changed themarkings on the dials."
"Then where are they going?"
"Beats me!" Aahz shrugged, taking a deep draughtof the wine. "But I'm betting it'll take 'em a long timeto find their way back. There are a lot of settings on aD-Hopper."
"But what about Tanda and Quigley?"
"Tanda can take care of Quigley," Aahz assured me."Besides, she has the powers to pull them out anytimeshe wants."
"She does?"
"Sure. But she'll probably have a few laughs just tagging along for a while. Can't say as I blame her. I'd loveto see Quigley deal with a few dimensions myself."
He took another generous gulp of the wine.
"Aahz!" I cried in sudden realization. "The wine!"
"What about it? Oh. Don't worry kid," he smiled."I've already lost my powers, remember? Besides, youdon't think I'd drug my own wine, do you?"
"You drugged the wine?"
"Yeah. That was my secret weapon. You didn't really. believe all that bunk about Frumple, did you?"
"Ahh ... of course not," I said, offended.
Actually, even though I knew Frumple hadn't done it,I had completely lost track of actually who had donewhat and to whom.
"Here, kid." Aahz handed me his flagon and pickedup the jug. "Have some yourself. You did pretty goodthis afternoon."
I took the flagon, but somehow couldn't bring myselfto drink any.
"What did you put in the wine, anyway?" I asked.
"Joke powder," Aahz replied. "As near as I can tell,it's the same stuff Garkin used on me. You can put it ina drink, sprinkle it over food, or burn it and have yourvictim inhale the smoke."
I had a sudden flash recollection of the brazier billow-ing smoke as Aahz materialized.
"What does it do?"
"Weren't you paying attention, kid?" Aahz cockedhis head at me. "It takes away your powers."
"Permanently?"
"Of course not!" Aahz scoffed. "Only for a cen-tury."
"What's the antidote?"
"There isn't one ... at least I couldn't get the stall-proprietor to admit to having one. Maybe when you geta little better with the magik, we'll go back to Deva andbeat an answer out of him."
I thought for a few minutes. That seemed to answerall my questions ... except one.
"Say... urn, Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"What do we do now?"
"About what?" Aahz asked.
"I mean, what do we do? We've been spending all thetime since we met getting ready to fight Isstvan. Well,it's over. Now what do we do?"
"What you do, apprentice," Aahz said sternly, "isdevote your time to your magik. You've still got a longway to go before you're even close to Master status. Asfor me ... well, I guess most of my time will be spentteaching you."
He poured a little more wine down his throat.
"Actually, we're in pretty good shape," he stated."We've got a magik crystal courtesy of Frumple . . .and that crummy sword if we search his gear."
"And a malfunctioning firering," I prompted.
"Urn. . . ." said Aahz. "Actually, I. .. ahh ... well,I gave the ring to Tanda."
"Gave?" I asked. "You gave something away?"
Aahz shrugged.
"I'm a soft touch. Ask anybody."
"Hmm...."Isaid.
"We've, um, also got a war unicorn if we want to goanywhere," Aahz hastened on, "and that stupid dragonof yours."
"Gleep isn't stupid!" I insisted hotly.
"Okay, okay," Aahz amended, "... your intelligent,personable dragon."
"That's better," I mumbled.
"... . Even though it beats me why we'd want to goanyplace," Aahz commented, looking around him."This place seems sound enough. You'd have somegood force lines to play with, and the wine cellar will bewell stocked if I know Isstvan. We could do lots worsefor a base of operations."
Another question occurred to me.
"Say, Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"A few minutes ago you said you wanted to see
Quigley when he visited other dimensions . . . and youseem to have a weak spot for Tanda...."
"Yeah?" Aahz growled. "So?"
"So why didn't you go along with them? You didn'thave to get stranded in this dimension."
"Isstvan's a fruitcake," Aahz declared pointedly,"and I don't like Imps. You think I'd like having themfor traveling companions?"
"But you said Tanda could travel the dimensions byherself. Couldn't you and she have...."
"All right, all right," interrupted Aahz. "You wantme to say it? I stayed here because of you."
"Why?"
"Because you're not up to traveling the dimensionsyet. Not until you...."
"I mean, why stay with me at all?"
"Why? Because you're my apprentice! That's why."
Aahz seemed genuinely angry. "We made a deal,
remember? You help me against Isstvan and I teach youmagik. Well, you did your part and now I'm going to domine. I'm going to teach you magik if it kills you . .. orme, which is more probable!"
"Yes, Aahz!" I agreed hastily.
"Besides," he mumbled, taking another drink. "Ilike you."
"Excuse me?" I said. "I didn't quite hear that."
"Then pay attention!" Aahz barked. "I said drinkyour wine, and give some to that stupid dragon ofyours. I will allow you one... count it, one... night ofcelebration. Then bright and early tomorrow, we startworking in earnest."
"Yes, Aahz," I saidobediently.
"And kid," Aahz grinned, "don't worry about itbeing boring. We don't have to go looking for adven-ture. In our profession, it usually comes looking forus."
I had an ugly feeling he was right.
About the Author:
Robert Asprin lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He claimshe has been a fencing coach, a Mongol warlord, a Kling-on, a cost accountant and a deep space mercenary. Hisfirst novel. The Cold Cash War, was released in 1977.The "Myth Adventure" books, his first sally into the fieldof Sword and Sorcery, has become to devotees of thegenre what gunpowder was to warfare: a new and exciting way of getting the point across ... but totallyunreliable and impractical.
Robert Asprin, with his wife, Lynn Abbey, is also theeditor of the bestselling "Thieves' World" anthologyseries.
This book was stolen for the masses by me, president, CEO and acting janitor of Diversified Limited Truncated Inc. Should you have any requests, insults or marriage proposals feel free to forward them to: ancientone@crosswinds.net.
Sincerely
DLT Inc. CEO
He was big. I mean really big!
"Hightail it outta here, kid," my mentor ordered. "I'll try to keep the dragon busy."
An image flashed in my mind. It was a view of me, Skeeve, court magician, bolting for safety while Aahz faced the dragon alone. Something snapped in my mind.
"You go!"
"Kid, are you-"
"It's my war and my job," I shouted. "Now get going."
With that I turned to face the oncoming dragon, not knowing or caring if Aahz followed my orders. I was Skeeve!
Ace Books by Robert Asprin
PHULE'S COMPANY
PHULE'S PARADISE
TAMBU
MIRROR FRIEND / MIRROR FOE
THE COLD CASH WAR
The Myth Books
ANOTHER FINE MYTH
MYTHCONCEPTIONS
HIT OR MYTH
MYTH-ING PERSONS
LITTLE MYTH MARKER
MYTH INC. LINK
MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS
MYTH DIRECTIONS
MYTH INC. IN ACTION
The Thieves' World-Books edited by Robert Lynn Asprin and Lynn Abbey
THIEVES' WORLD
TALES FROM THE VULGAR UNICORN
SHADOWS OF SANCTUARY
STORM SEASON
THE FACE OF CHAOS
WINGS OF OMEN
THE DEAD OF WINTER
SOUL OF THE CITY
BLOOD TIES
AFTERMATH
UNEASY ALLIANCES
STEALERS'SKY
And coming soon...
THE BUG WARS
Robert Asprin
Myth Conceptions
ACE BOOKS, NEW YORK
If you purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book:"
This Ace Book contains the complete text of the original trade edition. It has been completely reset in a typeface designed for easy reading, and was printed from new film.
MYTH CONCEPTIONS
An Ace Book published by arrangement with Starblaze Editions of The Donning Company/Publishers, Inc.
PRINTING HISTORY Doming edition 1980 Ace edition February 1985
All rights reserved. Copyright O 1980 by Robert L. Asprin. Cover art by Walter Velez. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission. For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers, Inc. 5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.
ISBN: 0-441-55521-7
Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group, 200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016. The name "ACE" and the "A" logo are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
20 19 18 17 16
This book is dedicated to Laurie Oshrin and Judith Sampson
a modern day student-teacher team who unwittingly guaranteed the myth-adventures of Aahz and Skeeve would continue to be written!
"Life is a series of rude awakenings."
-R. V. WINKLE
Of all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag.
I pried one eye open and blearily tried to focus on the room. A chair toppled noisily to the floor, convincing me the blurred images my mind was receiving were due at least in part to the irregular vibrations coming from the floor and walls. One without my vast storehouse of knowledge (hard won and painfully endured) might be inclined to blame the pandemonium on an earthquake: I didn't. The logic behind this conclusion was simple. Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn't.
It was starting out as an ordinary day . . . that is, ordinary if you're a junior magician apprenticed to a demon.
If I had been able to predict the future with any degree of accuracy and thus foresee the events to come, I probably would have stayed in bed. I mean, fighting has never been my forte, and the idea of taking on a whole army . . . but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The thud that aroused me shook the building, accompanied by the crash of various dirty dishes shattering on the floor. The second thud was even more spectacular.
I considered doing something. I considered going back to sleep. Then I remembered my mentor's condition when he had gone to bed the night before.
That woke me up fast. The only thing nastier than a demon from Perv is a demon from Perv with a hangover.
I was on my feet and headed for the door in a flash. (My agility was a tribute more to my fear rather than to any inborn talent.) Wrenching the door open, I thrust my head outside and surveyed the terrain. The grounds outside the inn seemed normal. The weeds were totally out of hand, more than chest high in places. Something would have to be done about them someday, but my mentor didn't seem to mind their riotous growth, and since I was the logical candidate to cut them if I raised the point, I decided once again to keep silent on the subject.
Instead, I studied the various flattened patches and newly torn paths in the overgrowth, trying to determine the location or at least the direction of my quarries' movement. I had almost convinced myself that the silence was at least semipermanent and it would be all right to go back to sleep, when the ground began to tremble again. I sighed and shakily drew myself up to my full height, what there was of it, and prepared to meet the onslaught.
The unicorn was the first to come into view, great clumps of dirt flying from beneath his hooves as he ducked around the corner of the inn on my right.
"Buttercup!" I shouted in my most authoritative tone.
A split second later I had to jump back into the shelter of the doorway to avoid being trampled by the speeding beast. Though a bit miffed at his disobedience, I didn't really blame him. He had a dragon chasing him, and dragons are not notoriously agile when it comes to quick stops.
As if acting on a cue from my thoughts, the dragon burst into view. To be accurate, he didn't really burst, he thudded, shaking the inn as he rebounded off the corner. As I said, dragons are not notoriously agile.
"Gleep!" I shouted. "Stop it this instant!"
He responded by taking an affectionate swipe at me with his tail as he bounded past. Fortunately for me, the gesture went wide of its mark, hitting the inn with another jarring thud instead.
So much for my most authoritative tone. If our two faithful charges were any more obedient, I'd be lucky to escape with my life. Still I had to stop them. Whoever came up with the immortal quote about waking sleeping dragons had obviously never had to contend with a sleeping demon.
I studied the two of them chasing each other through the weeds for a few moments, then decided to handle this the easy way. Closing my eyes, I envisioned both of them, the dragon and the unicorn. Then I superimposed the image of the dragon over that of the unicorn, fleshed it out with a few strokes of my mental paintbrush, then opened my eyes.
To my eyes, the scene was the same, a dragon and a unicorn confronting each other in a field of weeds. But, of course, I had cast the spell, so naturally I wouldn't be taken in. Its true effect could be read in Gleep's reaction.
He cocked his head and peered at Buttercup, first from this angle, then that, stretching his long serpentine neck to its limits. Then he swiveled his head until he was looking backward and repeated the process, scanning the surrounding weeds. Then he looked at Buttercup again.
To his eyes, his playmate had suddenly disappeared, to be replaced by another dragon. It was all very confusing, and he wanted his playmate back.
In my pet's defense, when I -speak of his lack of agility, both physically and mentally, I don't mean to imply he is either clumsy or stupid. He's young, which also accounts for his mere ten-foot length and half-formed wings. I fully expect that when he matures-in another four or five hundred years-he will be very deft and wise, which is more than I can say for myself. In the unlikely event I should live that long, all I'll be is old.
"Gleep?"
The dragon was looking at me now. Having stretched his limited mental abilities to their utmost, he turned to me to correct the situation or at least provide an explanation. As the perpetrator of the situation causing his distress, I felt horribly guilty. For a moment, I wavered on the brink of restoring Buttercup's normal appearance.
"If you're quite sure you're making enough noise . . . ."
I winced at the deep, sarcastic tones booming close behind me. All my efforts were for naught. Aahz was awake.
I assumed my best hangdog attitude and turned to face him.
Needless to say, he looked terrible.
If, perchance, you think a demon covered with green scales already looks terrible, you've never encountered one with a hangover. The normal gold flecks in his yellow eyes were now copper, accented by a throbbing network of orange veins. His lips were drawn back in a painful grimace which exposed even more of his pointed teeth than his frightening, reassuring smile. Looming there, his fists clenched on his hips, he presented a picture terrifying enough to make a spider-bear faint.
I wasn't frightened, however. I had been with Aahz for over a year now, and knew his bark was worse than his bite. Then again, he had never bitten me.
"Gee, Aahz," I said, digging a small hole with my toe. "You're always telling me if I can't sleep through anything, I'm not really tired."
He ignored the barb, as he so frequently does when I catch him on his own quotes. Instead he squinted over my shoulder at the scene outside.
"Kid," he said. "Tell me you're practicing. Tell me you haven't really scrounged up another stupid dragon to make our lives miserable."
"I'm practicing!" I hastened to reassure him.
To prove the point, I quickly restored Buttercup's normal appearance.
"Gleep!" said Gleep happily, and the two of them were off again.
"Really, Aahz," I said innocently to head off his next caustic remark. "Where would I find another dragon in this dimension?"
"If there was one to be found here on Klah, you'd find it," he snarled. "As I recall, you didn't have that much trouble finding this one the first time I turned my back on you, Apprentices! "
He turned and retreated out of the sunlight into the dim interior of the inn.
"If I recall," I commented, following him, "that was at the Bazaar on Deva. I couldn't get another dragon there because you won't teach me how to travel through the dimensions."
"Get off my case, kid!" he moaned. "We've been over it a thousand times. Dimension traveling is dangerous. Look at me! Stranded without my powers in a back-assward dimension like Klah, where the lifestyle is barbaric and the food is disgusting."
"You lost your powers because Garkin laced his special effects cauldron with that joke powder and then got killed before he could give you the antidote," I pointed out.
"Watch out how you talk about your old teacher," Aahz warned. "The old slime-monger was inclined to get carried away with practical jokes once in a while, true. But he was a master magician . . . and a friend of mine. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have saddled myself with his mouthy apprentice," he finished, giving me a meaningful look.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I apologized. "It's just that I-"
"Look, kid," he interrupted wearily, "if I had my powers-which I don't-and if you were ready to learn dimension hopping-which you aren't-we could give it a try. Then, if you miscalculated and dumped us into the wrong dimension, I could get our tails out before anything bad happened. As things stand, trying to teach you dimension hopping would be more dangerous than playing Russian roulette."
"What's Russian?" I asked.
The inn shook as Gleep missed the corner turn again.
"When are you going to teach your stupid dragon to play on the other side of the road?" Aahz snarled, craning his neck to glare out a window.
"I'm working on it, Aahz," I insisted soothingly. "Remember, it took me almost a whole year to housebreak him."
"Don't remind me," Aahz grumbled. "If I had my way, we'd. . ."
He broke off suddenly and cocked his head to one side.
"You'd better disguise that dragon, kid," he announced suddenly. "And get ready to do your `dubious character' bit. We're about to have a visitor."
I didn't contest the information. We had established long ago that Aahz's hearing was much more acute than mine.
"Right, Aahz," I acknowledged and hurried about my task.
The trouble with using an inn for a base of operations, however abandoned or weather-beaten it might be, was that occasionally people would stop here seeking food and lodging. Magik was still outlawed in these lands, and the last thing we wanted was witnesses.
"First impressions, being the longest lasting, are of utmost importance."
-J. CARTER
Aahz and I had acquired the inn under rather dubious circumstances. Specifically, we claimed it as our rightful spoils of war after the two of us (with the assistance of a couple of allies, now absent) had routed Isstvan, a maniac magician, and sent him packing into far dimensions along with all his surviving accomplices. The inn had been Isstvan's base of operations. But now it was ours. Who Isstvan had gotten it from and how, I didn't want to know. Despite Aahz's constant assurances, I lived in dread of encountering the inn's rightful owner.
I couldn't help remembering all this as I waited outside the inn for our visitor. As I said, Aahz has very good hearing. When he tells me he hears something "close by," he frequently forgets to mention that "close by" may be over a mile away.
I have also noted, over the course of our friendship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of requests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.
There was still no sign of our rumored visitor. I considered moving back inside the inn out of the late morning sun, but decided against it. I had carefully arranged the scene for our guest's arrival, and I hated to disrupt it for such a minor thing as personal comfort.
I had used the disguise spell liberally on Buttercup, Gleep, and myself. Gleep now looked like a unicorn, a change that did not seem to bother Buttercup in the slightest. Apparently unicorns are less discriminating about their playmates than are dragons. I had made them both considerably more disheveled and unkempt-looking than they actually were. This was necessary to maintain the image set forth by my own appearance.
Aahz and I had decided early in our stay that the best way to handle unwanted guests was not to threaten them or frighten them away, but rather to be so repulsive that they left of their own accord. To this end, I had slowly devised a disguise designed to convince strangers they did not want to be in the same inn with me, no matter how large the inn was or how many other people were there. In this disguise, I would greet wayward travelers as the proprietor of the inn.
Modestly, I will admit the disguise was a screaming success. In fact, that was the specific reaction many visitors had to it. Some screamed, some looked ill, others sketched various religious symbols in the 'air between themselves and me. None of them elected to spend the night.
When I experimented with various physical defects, Aahz correctly pointed out that many people did not find any single defect revolting. In fact, in a dimension such as Klah, most would consider it normal. To guarantee the desired effect, I adopted many of them.
When disguised, I walked with a painful limp, had a hump-back, and a deformed hand which was noticeably diseased. What teeth remained were twisted and stained, and the focus of one of my eyes had a tendency to wander about independently of the other. My nose-in fact, my entire face-was not symmetrical, and as a masterstroke of my disguise abilities, there appeared to be vicious-looking bugs crawling about my mangy hair and tattered clothes.
The overall effect was horrifying. Even Aahz admitted he found it disquieting, which, considering the things he's seen in his travels through the dimensions, was high praise indeed.
My thoughts were interrupted as our visitor came into view. He sat ramrod-straight astride a huge, flightless riding bird. He carried no visible weapons and wore no uniform, but his bearing marked him as\_\_\_ a soldier much more than any outer trappings could have. His eyes were wary, constantly darting suspiciously about as he walked his bird up to the inn in slow, deliberate steps. Surprisingly enough, his gaze passed over me several times without registering my presence. Perhaps he didn't realize I was alive.
I didn't like this. The man seemed more the hunter than the casual traveler. Still, he was here and had to be dealt with. I went into my act.
"Does the noble sahr require a room?"
As I spoke I moved forward in my practical, rolling gait. In case the subtlety of my disguise escaped him, I allowed a large gob of spittle to ooze from the corner of my mouth where it rolled unhindered down to my chin.
For a moment the man's attention was occupied controlling his mount. Flightless or not, the bird was trying to take to the air.
Apparently my disguise had touched a primal chord in the bird's mind that went back prior to its flightless ancestry.
I waited, head cocked curiously, while the man fought the bird to a fidgety standstill. Finally, he turned his attention to me for a moment. Then he averted his eyes and stared carefully at the sky.
"I come seeking the one known as Skeeve the magician," he told me.
Now it was my turn to jump. To the best of my knowledge, no one knew who I was and what I was, much less where I was, except for Aahz and me.
"That's me!" I blurted out, forgetting myself and using my real voice.
The man turned horrified eyes on me, and I remembered my appearance.
"That's me master!" I amended hastily. "You wait . . . I fetch."
I turned and scuttled hastily into the inn. Aahz was waiting inside.
"What is it?" he demanded.
"He's . . . he wants to talk to Skeeve . . . to me!" I babbled nervously.
"So?" he asked pointedly. "What are you doing in here? Go outside and talk to the man."
"Looking like this?"
Aahz rolled his eyes at the ceiling in exasperation.
"Who cares what you look like?" he barked. "C'mon, kid. The man's a total stranger!"
"I care!" I declared, drawing myself up haughtily.
"The man asked for Skeeve the magician, and I think-"
"He what?" Aahz interrupted.
"He asked for Skeeve the magician," I repeated, covertly studying the figure waiting outside.
"He looks like a soldier to me," I supplied.
"He looks scared to me," Aahz retorted. "Maybe you should tone down your disguise a bit next time."
"Do you think he's a demon-hunter?" I asked nervously.
Instead of answering my question, Aahz turned abruptly from the window.
"If he wants a magician, we'll give him a magician," he murmured. "Quick, kid, slap the Garkin disguise on me."
As I noted earlier, Garkin was my first magik instructor. An imposing figure with a salt-and-pepper beard, he was one of our favorite and most oft-used disguises. I could do Garkin in my sleep.
"Good enough, kid," Aahz commented, surveying the results of my work. "Now follow close and let me do the talking."
"Like this?" I exclaimed.
"Relax, kid," he reassured me. "For this conversation I'm you. Understand?"
Aahz was already heading out through the door without waiting for my reply, leaving me little choice other than to follow along behind him.
"Who seeks an audience with the great Skeeve?" Aahz bellowed in a resonant bass voice.
The man shot another nervous glance at me, then drew himself up in stiff formality.
"I come as an emissary from his most noble Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum, who-"
"Where's Possiltum?" Aahz interrupted.
"I beg your pardon?" the man blinked.
"Possiltum," Aahz repeated. "Where is it?"
"Oh!" the man said with sudden understanding. "It's the kingdom just east of here . . . other side of the Ember River . . . you can't miss it."
"Okay," Aahz nodded. "Go on."
The man took a deep breath, then hesitated, frowning.
"King of Possiltum," I prompted.
"Oh yes! Thanks." The man shot a quick smile, then another quick stare, then continued, "King of Possiltum, who sends his respects and greetings to the one known as Skeeve the magician . . ."
He paused and looked at Aahz expectantly. He was rewarded with a polite nod of the head. Satisfied, the man continued.
"His Majesty extends an invitation to Skeeve the magician to appear before the court of Possiltum that he might be reviewed for his suitability for the position of court magician."
"I don't really feel qualified to pass judgment on the king's suitability as a court magician," Aahz said modestly, eyeing the man carefully. "Isn't he content just to be king?"
"No, no!" the man corrected hastily. "The king wants to review your suitability."
"Oh!" Aahz said with the appearance of sudden understanding. "That's a different matter entirely. Well, well. An invitation from . . . who was it again?"
"Rodrick the Fifth," the man announced, lifting his head haughtily.
"Well," Aahz said, grinning broadly. "I've never been one to refuse a fifth!"
The man blinked and frowned, then glanced at me quizzically. I shrugged, not understanding the joke myself.
"You may tell His Majesty," Aahz continued, unaware of our confusion. "I shall be happy to accept his kind invitation. I shall arrive at his court at my earliest convenience."
The man frowned.
"I believe His Majesty requires your immediate presence," he commented darkly.
"Of course," Aahz answered smoothly. "How silly of me. If you will accept our hospitality for the night, I and my assistant here will be most pleased to accompany you in the morning."
I knew a cue when I heard one. I drooled and bared my teeth at the messenger.
The man shot a horrified look in my direction.
"Actually," he said hastily, "I really must be going. I'll tell His Majesty you'll be following close behind."
"You're sure you wouldn't like to stay?" Aahz asked hopefully.
"Positive!" The man nearly shouted his reply as he began backing the bird away from us.
"Oh, well," Aahz said. "Perhaps we'll catch up with you on the road."
"In that case," the man said, turning his bird, "I'll want a head . . . that is, I'd best be on my way to announce your coming."
I raised my hand to wave good-bye, but he was already moving at a rapid pace, urging his mount to still greater speeds and ignoring me completely.
"Excellent!" Aahz exclaimed, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "A court magician! What a soft job! And the day started out so miserably."
"If I can interrupt," I interrupted. "There's one minor flaw in your plan."
"Hmm? What's that?"
"I don't want to be a court magician!"
As usual, my protest didn't dampen his enthusiasm at all.
"You didn't want to be a magician, either," he reminded me bluntly. "You wanted to be a thief. Well, here's a good compromise for you. As a court magician, you'll be a civil servant . . . and civil servants are thieves on a grander scale than you ever dreamed possible!"
"Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client."
-X. HOLLANDER
"Now let me see if I've got this right," I said carefully. "You're saying they probably won't hire me on the basis of my abilities?"
I couldn't believe I'd interpreted Aahz's lecture correctly, but he beamed enthusiastically.
"That's right, kid," he approved. "Now you've got it."
"No, I don't," I insisted. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"
Aahz groaned and hid his face in his hand.
It had been like this ever since we left the inn, and three days of a demon's groaning is a bit much for anyone to take.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I said testily, "but I don't believe it. I've taken a lot of things you've told me on faith, but this . . . this goes against common sense."
"What does common sense have to do with it?" he exploded. "We're talking about a job interview!"
At this outburst, Buttercup snorted and tossed his head, making it necessary for us to duck out of range of his horn.
"Steady, Buttercup!" I admonished soothingly.
Though he still rolled his eyes, the unicorn resumed his stoic plodding, the travois loaded with our equipment dragging along behind him still intact. Despite incidents such as had occurred back at the inn, Buttercup and I got along fairly well, and he usually obeyed me. In contrast, he and Aahz never really hit it off, especially when the latter chose to raise his voice angrily.
"All it takes is a little gentleness," I informed Aahz smugly. "You should try it sometime."
"While you're showing off your dubious rapport with animals," Aahz retorted, "you might call your dragon back. All we need is to have him stirring up the countryside."
I cast a quick glance about. He was right. Gleep had disappeared . . . again.
"Gleep!" I called. "Come here, fella!"
"Gleep!" came an answering cry.
The bushes off to our left parted, and the dragon's head emerged.
"Gleep?" he said, cocking his head.
"Come here!" I repeated.
My pet needed no more encouragement. He bounded into the open and trotted to my side.
"I still say we should have left that stupid dragon back at the inn," Aahz grumbled.
I ignored him, checking to be sure that the gear hung saddlebag fashion over the dragon's back was still secure. Personally, I felt we were carrying far too much in the way of personal belongings, but Aahz had insisted. Gleep tried to nuzzle me affectionately with his head, and I caught a whiff of his breath. For a moment, I wondered if Aahz had been right about leaving the dragon behind.
"What were you saying about job interviews?" I asked, both to change the subject and to hide the fact I was gagging.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, kid," Aahz, began with sudden sincerity, "and it is, but a lot of things are ridiculous, particularly in this dimension. That doesn't mean we don't have to deal with them."
That gave me pause to think. To a lot of people, having a demon and a dragon for traveling companions would seem ridiculous. As a matter of fact, if I took time to think it through, it seemed pretty ridiculous to me!
"Okay, Aahz," I said finally, "I can accept the existence of ridiculousness as reality. Now try explaining the court magician thing to me again."
We resumed walking as Aahz organized his thoughts. For a change, Gleep trailed placidly along beside Buttercup instead of taking off on another of his exploratory side trips.
"See if this makes any sense," Aahz said finally. "Court magicians don't do much . . . magically at least. They're primarily kept around for show, as a status symbol to demonstrate a court is advanced enough to rate a magician. It's a rare occasion when they're called upon to do anything. If you were a jester, they'd work your tail off, but not as a magician. Remember, most people are skittish about magik, and use it as seldom as possible."
"If that's the case," I said confidently, "I'm qualified. I'll match my ability to do nothing against any magician on Klah."
"No argument there," Aahz observed dryly. "But it's not quite that easy. To hold the job takes next to no effort at all. Getting the job can be an uphill struggle."
"Oh!" h said, mollified.
"Now to get the job, you'll have to impress the king and probably his advisors," Aahz continued. "You'll have to impress them with you, not with your abilities."
"How's that again?" I frowned.
"Look, kid. Like I said, a court magician is window dressing, a showpiece. They'll be looking for someone they want to have hanging around their court, someone who is impressive whether or not he ever does anything. You'll have to exude confidence. Most important, you'll have to look like a magician . . . or at least, what they think a magician looks like. If you can dress like a magician, talk like a magician, and act like a magician, maybe no one will notice you don't have the abilities of a magician."
"Thanks, Aahz," I grimaced. "You're really doing wonders towards building my confidence."
"Now don't sulk," Aahz admonished. "You know how to levitate reasonably large objects, you can fly after a fashion, and you've got the disguise spell down pat. You're doing pretty well for a rank novice, but don't kid yourself into believing you're anywhere near full magician's status:"
He was right, of course, but I was loath to admit it.
"If I'm such a bumbling incompetent," I said stiffly, "why are we on our way to establish me as a court magician?"
Aahz bared his teeth at me in irritation.
"You aren't listening, kid;" he snarled. "Holding the job once you've got it will be a breeze. You can handle that now. The tricky part will be getting you hired. Fortunately, with a few minor modifications and a little coaching, I think we can get you ready for polite society."
"Modifications such as what?" I asked, curious despite myself.
Aahz made a big show of surveying me from head to foot.
"For a start," he said, "there's the way you dress."
"What's wrong with the way I dress?" I countered defensively.
"Nothing at all," he replied innocently. "That is, if you want people to see you as a bumpkin peasant with dung on his boots. Of course, if you want to be a court magician, well, that's another story. No respectable magician would be caught dead in an outfit like that."
"But I am a respectable magician!" I argued.
"Really? Respected by who?"
He had me there, so I lapsed into silence.
"That's specifically the reason I had the foresight to bring along a few items from the inn," Aahz continued, indicating Buttercup's burdens with a grand sweep of his hand.
"And here I thought you were just looting the place;" I said dryly.
"Watch your mouth, kid," he warned. "This is all for your benefit."
"Really? You aren't expecting anything at all out of this deal?"
My sarcasm, as usual, was lost on him.
"Oh, I'll be around," he acknowledged. "Don't worry about that. Publicly, I'll be your apprentice."
"My apprentice?"
This job was suddenly sounding much better.
"Publicly!" Aahz repeated hastily. "Privately, you'll continue your lessons as normal. Remember that before you start getting frisky with your `apprentice.' "
"Of course, Aahz," I assured him. "Now, what was it you we're saying about changing the way I dress?"
He shot me a sidelong glance, apparently suspicious of my sudden enthusiasm.
"Not that there's anything wrong with me the way I am," I added with a theatrical scowl.
That seemed to ease his doubts.
"Everything's wrong with the way you dress," he growled. "We're lucky those two Imps left most of their wardrobe behind when we sent 'em packing along with Isstvan."
"Higgens and Brockhurst?"
"Yeah, those two," Aahz grinned evilly at the memory. "I'll say one thing for Imps. They may be inferior to Deveels as merchants, but they are snappy dressers."
"I find it hard to believe that all that stuff you bundled along is wardrobe," I observed skeptically.
"Of course it isn't," my mentor moaned. "It's special effects gear."
"Special effects?"
"Don't you remember anything, kid?" Aahz scowled. "I told you all this when we first met. However easy magik is, you can't let it look easy. You need a few hand props, a line of patter . . . you know, like Garkin had."
Garkin's hut, where I had first been introduced to magik, had been full of candles, vials of strange powders, dusty books . . . now there was a magician's lair! Of course, I had since discovered most of what he had was unnecessary for the actual working of magik itself.
I was beginning to see what Aahz meant when he said I'd have to learn to put on a show:
"We've got a lot of stuff we can work into your presentation," Aahz continued. "Isstvan left a lot of his junk behind when he left. Oh, and you might find some familiar items when we unload. I think the Imps helped themselves to some of Garkin's equipment and brought it back to the inn with them."
"Really?" I said; genuinely interested. "Did they get Garkin's brazier?"
"Brazier?" My mentor frowned.
"You remember," I prompted. "You used it to drink wine out of when you first arrived."
"That's right! Yeah, I think I saw it in there. Why?"
"No special reason," I replied innocently. "It was always a favorite of mine, that's all."
From watching Garkin back in my early apprentice days, I knew there were secrets to that brazier I was dying to learn. I also knew that, if possible, I wanted to save it as a surprise for Aahz.
"We're going to have to do something about your physical appearance, too," Aahz continued thoughtfully.
"What's-"
"You're too young!" he answered, anticipating my question. "Nobody hires a young magician. They want one who's been around for a while. If we-"
He broke off suddenly and craned his neck to look around.
"Kid," he said carefully, studying the sky. "Your dragon's gone again."
I did a fast scan. He was right.
"Gleep!" I called. "Here, fella! "
The dragon's head appeared from the depths of a bush behind us. There was something slimy with legs dangling from his mouth, but before I could manage an exact identification, my pet swallowed and the whatzit disappeared.
"Gleep!" he said proudly, licking his lips with his long forked tongue.
"Stupid dragon," Aahz muttered darkly.
"He's cheap to feed," I countered, playing on what I knew to be Aahz's tightfisted nature.
As we waited for the dragon to catch up, I had time to reflect that for once I felt no moral or ethical qualms about taking part in one of Aahz's schemes. If the unsuspecting Rodrick the Fifth was taken in by our charade and hired us, I was confident the king would be getting more than he bargained for.
"If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success."
-ETHELRED THE UNREADY
The candle lit at the barest flick from my mind.
Delighted, I snuffed it and tried again.
A sidelong glance, a fleeting concentration of my will, and the smoldering wick burst into flame again.
I snuffed the flame and sat smiling at the familiar candle.
This was the first real proof I'd had as to how far my magical powers had developed in the past year. I knew this candle from my years as Garkin's apprentice. In those days, it was my arch nemesis. Even focusing all my energies failed to light it then. But now...
I glanced at the wick again, and again it rewarded me with a burst of flame.
I snuffed it and repeated the exercise, my confidence growing as I realized how easily I could now do something I once thought impossible.
"Will you knock it off with the candle!"
I jumped at the sound of Aahz's outburst, nearly upsetting the candle and setting the blanket afire.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I said, hastily snuffing the candle for the last time. "I just-"
"You're here to audition for court magician," he interrupted. "Not for town Christmas tree!"
I considered asking what a Christmas tree was, but decided against it. Aahz seemed uncommonly irritable and nervous, and I was pretty sure, however I chose to phrase my question, that the answer would be both sarcastic and unproductive.
"Stupid candle blinking on and off," Aahz grumbled half to himself. "Attract the attention of every guard in the castle."
"I thought we were trying to attract their attention," I pointed out, but Aahz ignored me, peering at the castle through the early-morning light.
He didn't have to peer far, as we were camped in the middle of the road just short of the castle's main gates.
As I said, I was under the impression our position was specifically chosen to attract attention to ourselves.
We had crept into position in the dead of night, clumsily picking our way through the sleeping buildings clustered about the main gate. Not wishing to show a light, unpacking had been minimal, but even in the dark, I had recognized Garkin's candle.
All of this had to do with something Aahz called a "dramatic entrance." As near as I could tell, all this meant was we couldn't do anything the easy way.
Our appearance was also carefully designed for effect, with the aid of the Imps' abandoned wardrobe and my disguise spells.
Aahz was outfitted in my now traditional "dubious character" disguise. Gleep was standing placidly beside Buttercup disguised as a unicorn, giving us a matched pair. It was my own appearance, however, which had been the main focus of our attentions.
Both Aahz and I had agreed that the Garkin disguise would be unsuitable for this effort. While my own natural appearance was too young, Garkin's would be too old. Since we could pretty much choose the image we wanted, we decided to field a magician in his mid to late thirties; young without being youthful, experienced without being old, and powerful but still learning.
To achieve this disguise involved a bit more work than normal, as I did not have an image in mind to superimpose over my own. Instead, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself as I appeared normally, then slowly erased the features until I had a blank face to begin on. Then I set to work with Aahz watching carefully and offering suggestions and modifications.
The first thing I changed was my height, adjusting the image until the new figure stood a head and a half taller than my actual diminutive stature. My hair was next and I changed my strawberry-blond thatch to a more sinister black, at the same time darkening my complexion several shades.
The face gave us the most trouble.
"Elongate the chin a little more," Aahz instructed. "Put on a beard . . . not that much, stupid! Just a little goatee! . . . That's better! . . . Now lower the sideburns . . . okay, build up the nose . . . narrow it . . . make the eyebrows bushier . . . no, change 'em back and sink the eyes a little instead . . . for crying out loud change the eye color! Make 'em brown . . . okay, now a couple of frown wrinkles in the middle of the forehead . . . Good. That should do it."
I stared at the figure in my mind, burning the image into my memory. It was effective, maybe a bit more sinister than I would have designed if left to my own devices, but Aahz was the expert and I had to trust his judgment. I opened my eyes.
"Terrific, kid!" Aahz beamed. "Now put on that black robe with the gold and red trim the Imps left, and you'll cut a figure fit to grace any court."
"Move along there! You're blocking the road!"
The rude order wrenched my thoughts back to the present.
A soldier, resplendent in leather armor and brandishing an evil-looking pike, was angrily approaching our crude encampment. Behind him the gates stood slightly ajar, and I could see the heads of several other soldiers watching us curiously.
Now that the light was improving, I could see the wall better. It wasn't much of a wall, barely ten feet high. That figured. From what we had seen since we crossed the border, it wasn't much of a kingdom, either.
"You deaf or something?" the soldier barked drawing close. "I said move along!"
Aahz scuttled forward and planted himself in the soldier's path.
"Skeeve the Magnificent has arrived," he announced. "And he-"
"I don't care who you are!" the soldier snarled, wasting no time placing his pike between himself and the figure addressing him. "You can't-"
He broke off abruptly as his pike leaped from his grasp and floated horizontally in mid-air until it was forming a barricade between him and Aahz.
The occurrence was my doing, a simple feat of levitation. Regardless of our planned gambit, I felt I should take a direct hand in the proceedings before things got completely out of hand.
"I am Skeeve!" I boomed, forcing my voice into a resonant bass. "And that is my assistant you are attempting to threaten with your feeble weapon. We have come in response to an invitation from Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum!"
"That's right, Bosco!" Aahz leered at the soldier. "Now just run along like a good fellow and pass the word we're here . . . eh?"
As I noted earlier, all this was designed to impress the hell out of the general populace. Apparently the guard hadn't read the script. He did not cower in terror or cringe with fear. If anything, our little act seemed to have the exact opposite effect on him.
"A magician, eh?" he said with a mocking sneer. "For that I've got standing orders. Go around to the back where the others are."
This took us aback. Well, at least it took me aback. According to our plan, we would end up arguing whether we entered the palace to perform in the king's court, or if the king had to bring his court outside to where we were. Being sent to the back door was not an option we had considered.
"To the back?" Aahz glowered. "You dare to suggest a magician of my master's stature go to the back door like a common servant?"
The soldier didn't budge an inch.
"If it were up to me, I'd `dare to suggest' a far less pleasant activity for you. As it is, I have my orders. You're to go around to the back like all the others."
"Others?" I asked carefully.
"That's right," the guard sneered. "The king is holding an open air court to deal with all you `miracle workers.' Every hack charm-peddler for eight kingdoms is in town. Some of 'em have been in line since noon yesterday. Now get around to the back and quit blocking the road!"
With that he turned on his heel and marched back to the gate, leaving his pike hanging in mid-air.
For once, Aahz was as speechless as I was. Apparently I wasn't the only one the king had invited to drop by. Apparently we were in big trouble.
". . . Eve of newt, toe of frog. . . "
-Believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture . . . The forerunner of gunpowder.
"What are we going to do, Aahz?"
With the guard out of earshot, I could revert to my normal voice and speech patterns, though it was still necessary to keep my physical disguise intact.
"That's easy," he responded. "We pack up our things and go around the back. Weren't you listening, kid?"
"But what are we going to do about . . ."
But Aahz was already at work, rebinding the few items we had unpacked.
"Don't do anything, kid," he warned over his shoulder. "We can't let anyone see you doing menial work. It's bad for the image."
"He said there were other magicians here!" I blurted at last.
"Yeah. So?"
"Well, what are we going to do?"
Aahz scowled. "I told you once. We're going to pack our things and-"
"What are we going to do about the other magicians?"
"Do? We aren't going to do anything. You aren't up to dueling, you know."
He had finished packing and stepped back to survey his handiwork. Nodding in satisfaction, he turned and shot a glance over my shoulder.
"Do something about the pike, will ya, kid?"
I followed his gaze. The guard's pike was still hanging suspended in mid-air. Even though I hadn't been thinking about it, part of my mind had been keeping it afloat until I decided what to do with it. The question was, what should I do with it?
"Say, Aahz . . ." I began, but Aahz had already started walking along the wall.
For a moment I was immobilized with indecision. The guard had gone so I couldn't return his weapon to him. Still, simply letting it drop to the ground seemed somehow anticlimactic.
Unable to think of anything to do that would have the proper dramatic flair, I decided to postpone the decision. For the time being, I let the pike float along behind me as I hurried after Aahz, first giving it additional elevation so it would not be a danger to Gleep and Buttercup.
"Were you expecting other magicians to be here?" I asked, drawing abreast of my mentor.
"Not really," Aahz admitted. "It was a possibility, of course, but I didn't give it a very high probability rating. Still, it's not all that surprising. A job like this is bound to draw competition out of the woodwork."
He didn't seem particularly upset, so I tried to take this new development in stride.
"Okay," I said calmly. "How does this change our plans?"
"It doesn't. Just do your thing like I showed you and everything should come out fine."
"But if the other magicians-"
Aahz stopped short and turned to face me.
"Look, kid," he said seriously, "just because I keep telling you you've got a long way to go before you're a master magician doesn't mean you're a hack! I wouldn't have encouraged you to show up for this interview if I didn't think you were good enough to land the job."
"Really, Aahz?"
He turned and started walking again.
"Just remember, as dimensions go, Klah isn't noted for its magicians. You're no master, but masters are few and far between. I'm betting that compared to the competition, you'll look like a real expert. "
That made sense. Aahz was quite outspoken in his low opinion of Klah and the Klahds that inhabited it, including me. That last thought made me fish for a bit more reassurance.
"Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"What's your honest appraisal of my chances?"
There was a moment of silence before he answered.
"Kid, you know how you're always complaining that I keep tearing down your confidence?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, for both our sakes, don't push too hard for my honest appraisal."
I didn't.
Getting through the back gate proved to be no problem . . . mostly because there wasn't a back gate. To my surprise and Aahz's disgust, the wall did not extend completely around the palace. As near as I could see, only the front wall was complete. The two side walls were under construction, and the back wall was nonexistent. I should clarify that. My statement that the side walls were under construction was an assumption based on the presence of scaffolding at the end of the wall rather than by the observation of any activity going on. If there was any work being performed, it was being done carefully enough not to disturb the weeds which abounded throughout the scaffolding.
I was beginning to have grave doubts about the kingdom I was about to ally myself with.
It was difficult to tell if the court was being convened in a garden, or if this was a courtyard losing its fight with the weeds and underbrush which crowded in through the opening where the back wall should have been. (Having grown up on a farm, my basic education in plants was that if it wasn't edible and growing in neat rows, it was a weed.)
As if in answer to my thoughts, Buttercup took a large mouthful of the nearest clump of growth and began chewing enthusiastically. Gleep sniffed the same bush and turned up his nose at it.
All this I noted only as an aside. My main attention was focused on the court itself.
There was a small open-sided pavilion set against the wall of the palace sheltering a seated figure, presumably the king. Standing close beside him on either side were two other men. The crowd, such as it was, was split into two groups. The first was standing in a somewhat orderly line along one side of the garden. I assumed this was the waiting line . . . or rather I hoped it was as that was the group we joined. The second group was standing in a disorganized mob on the far side of the garden watching the proceedings. Whether these were rejected applicants or merely interested hangers-on, I didn't know.
Suddenly, a young couple in the watching group caught my eye. I hadn't expected to encounter any familiar faces here, but these two I had seen before. Not only had I seen them, Aahz and I had impersonated them at one point, a charade which had resulted in our being hanged.
"Aahz!" I whispered urgently. "Do you see those two over there?"
"No," Aahz said bluntly, not even turning his head to look.
"But they're the-"
"Forget 'em," he insisted. "Watch the judges. They're the ones we have to impress."
I had to admit that made a certain amount of sense. Grudgingly, I turned my attention to the figures in the pavilion.
The king was surprisingly young, perhaps in his mid-twenties. His hair was a tumble of shoulderlength curls, which combined with his slight build almost made him look effeminate. Judging from his posture, either the interviews had been going on for some time, or he had mastered the art of looking totally bored.
The man on his left bent and urgently whispered something in the king's ear and was answered by a vague nod.
This man, only slightly older than the king but balding noticeably, was dressed in a tunic and cloak of drab color and conservative cut. Though relaxed in posture and quiet in bearing, there was a watchful brightness to his eyes that reminded me of a feverish weasel.
There was a stirring of the figure on the king's right, which drew my attention in that direction. I had a flash impression of a massive furry lump, then I realized with a start that it was a man. He was tall and broad, his head crowned with thick, black, unkempt curls, his face nearly obscured by a full beard and mustache. This, combined with his heavy fur cloak, gave him an animal-like appearance which had dominated my first impression. He spoke briefly to the king, then recrossed his arms in a gesture of finality and glared at the other advisor. His cloak opened briefly during his oration, giving me a glimpse of a glittering shirt of mail and a massive double-headed hand-axe hung on a belt at his waist. Clearly this was not a man to cross. The balding figure seemed unimpressed, matching his rival's glare with one of his own.
There was a sharp nudge in my ribs.
"Did you see that?" Aahz whispered urgently.
"See what?" I asked.
"The king's advisors. A general and a chancellor unless I miss my guess. Did you see the gold medallion on the general?"
"I saw his axe!" I whispered back.
The light in the courtyard suddenly dimmed.
Looking up, I saw a mass of clouds forming overhead, blotting out the sun.
"Weather control," Aahz murmured half to himself. "Not bad."
Sure enough, the old man in the red cloak currently before the throne gestured wildly and tossed a cloud of purple powder into the air, and a light drizzle began to fall.
My spirits fell along with the rain. Even with Aahz's coaching on presentation, my magik was not this powerful or impressive.
"Aahz . . ." I whispered urgently.
Instead of responding, he waved me to silence, his eyes riveted on the pavilion.
Following his gaze, I saw the general speaking urgently with the king. The king listened for a moment, then shrugged and said something to the magician.
Whatever he said, the magician didn't like it. Drawing himself up haughtily, he turned to leave, only to be called back by the king. Pointing to the clouds, the king said a few more words and leaned back. The magician hesitated, then shrugged, and began gesturing and chanting once more.
"Turned him down," Aahz said smugly.
"Then what's he doing now?"
"Clearing up the rain before the next act goes on," Aahz informed me.
Sure enough, the drizzle was slowing and the clouds began to scatter, much to the relief of the audience who, unlike the king, had no pavilion to protect them from the storm. This further display of the magician's power, however, did little to bolster my sagging confidence.
"Aahz!" I whispered. "He's a better magician than I am."
"Yeah," Aahz responded. "So?"
"So if they turned him down, I haven't got a chance!"
"Maybe yes, maybe no," came the thoughtful reply. "As near as I can tell, they're looking for something specific. Who knows? Maybe you're it. Remember what I told you, cushy jobs don't always go to the most skillful. In fact, it usually goes the other way."
"Yeah," I said, trying to sound optimistic. "Maybe I'll get lucky."
"It's going to take more than luck," Aahz corrected me sternly. "Now, what have you learned watching the king's advisors?"
"They don't like each other," I observed immediately.
"Right!" Aahz sounded surprised and pleased. "Now that means you probably won't be able to please them both. You'll have to play up to one of them . . . or better still insult one. That'll get the other one on your side faster than anything. Now, which one do you want on your side?"
That was easier than his first question.
"The general," I said firmly.
"Wrong! You want the chancellor."
"The chancellor!" I exclaimed, blurting the words out louder than I had intended. "Did you see the size of that axe the general's carrying?"
"Uh-huh," Aahz replied. "Did you hear what happened to the guy who interviewed before old Red Cloak here got his turn?"
I closed my eyes and controlled my first sharp remark.
"Aahz," I said carefully, "remember me? I'm Skeeve. I'm the one who can't hear whispers a mile away."
As usual Aahz ignored my sarcasm.
"The last guy didn't even get a chance to show his stuff," he informed me. "The chancellor took one look at the crowd he brought with him and asked how many were in his retinue. `Eight,' the man said. `Too many!' says the chancellor and the poor fool was dismissed immediately."
"So?" I asked bluntly.
"So the chancellor is the one watching the purse strings," concluded Aahz. "What's more, he has more influence than the general. Look at these silly walls. Do you think a military man would leave walls half-finished if he had the final say? Somebody decided too much money was being spent constructing them and the project was canceled or delayed. I'm betting that somebody was the chancellor."
"Maybe they ran out of stones," I suggested.
"C'mon, kid. From what we've seen since we crossed the border this kingdom's principal crop is stones."
"But the general . . ."
As I spoke, I glanced in the general's direction again. To my surprise and discomfort, he was staring directly at me. It wasn't a friendly stare.
I hesitated for a moment, hoping I was wrong. I wasn't. The general's gaze didn't waver, nor did his expression soften. If anything, it got uglier.
"Aahz," I hissed desperately, unable to tear my eyes from the general.
Now the king and the chancellor were staring in my direction too, their attention drawn by the general's gaze.
"Kid!" Aahz moaned beside me. "I thought I told you to do something about that pike!"
The pike! I had completely forgotten about it!
I pulled my eyes from the general's glare and glanced behind me as casually as I could.
Buttercup and Gleep were still standing patiently to our rear, and floating serenely above them was the guard's pike. I guess it was kind of noticeable.
"You!"
I turned toward the pavilion and the sound of the bellow. The general had stepped forward and was pointing a massive finger at me.
"Yes, you!" he roared as our eyes met once more. "Where did you get that pike? It belongs to the palace guards."
"I think you're about to have your interview, kid," Aahz murmured. "Give it your best and knock 'em stiff."
"But-" I protested.
"It beats standing in line!"
With that, Aahz took a long leisurely step backward. The effect was the same as if I had stepped forward, which I definitely hadn't. With the attention of the entire courtyard now centered on me, however, I had no choice but to take the plunge.
"That's entertainment!"
-VLAD THE IMPALER
Crossing my arms, I moved toward the pavilion, keeping my pace slow and measured.
Aahz had insisted I practice this walk. He said it would make me look confident and self-possessed. Now that I was actually appearing before a king, I found I was using the walk, not as a show of arrogance, but to hide the weakness in my legs.
"Well?" the general rumbled, looming before me. "I asked you a question! Where did you get that pike? You'd best answer before I grow angry!"
Something in me snapped. Any fear I felt of the general and his axe evaporated, replaced by a heady glow of strength.
I had discovered on my first visit to the Bazaar at Deva that I didn't like to be pushed by big, loud Deveels. I discovered now that I also didn't like it any better when the arrogance came from a big, loud fellow Klahd.
So the big man wanted to throw his weight around, did he?
With a twitch of my mind, I summoned the pike. Without turning to look, I brought it arrowing over my shoulder in a course destined to embed it in the general's chest.
The general saw it coming and paled. He took an awkward step backward, realized it was too late for flight, and groped madly for his axe.
I stopped the pike three feet from his chest, floating it in front of him with its point leveled at his heart.
"This pike?" I asked casually.
"Ahh . . ." the general responded, his eyes never leaving the weapon.
"I took this pike from an overly rude soldier. He said he was following orders. Would those orders come from you, by any chance?"
"I . . . um . . . ." The general licked his lips. "I issued orders that my men deal with strangers in an expedient fashion. I said nothing about their being less then polite."
"In that case . . ."
I moved the pike ninety degrees so that it no longer threatened the general.
". . . I return the pike to you so that you might give it back to the guard along with a clarification of your orders . . . ."
The general hesitated, scowling, then extended his hand to grasp the floating pike. Just before he reached it, I let it fall to the ground where it clattered noisily.
". . . and hopefully additional instructions as to how to handle their weapons," I concluded.
The general flushed and started to pick up the pike. Then the chancellor snickered, and the general spun around to glare at him. The chancellor smirked openly and whispered something to the king, who tried to suppress a smile at his words.
The general turned to me again, ignoring the pike, and glared down from his full height.
"Who are you?" he asked in a tone which implied my name would be immediately moved to the head of the list for public execution.
"Who's asking?" I glared back, still not completely over my anger.
"The man you are addressing," the king interceded, "is Hugh Badaxe, Commander of the Royal Armies of Possiltum."
"And I am J. R. Grimble," the chancellor added hastily, afraid of being left out. "First Advisor to His Majesty."
The general shot another black look at Grimble. I decided it was time to get down to business.
"I am the magician known as Skeeve," I began grandly. "I have come in response to a gracious invitation from His Most Noble Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth."
I paused and inclined my head slightly to the king who smiled and nodded in return.
"I have come to determine for myself if I should consider accepting a position at the court of Possiltum."
The phrasing of that last part had been chosen very carefully by Aahz. It was designed to display my confidence by implying the choice was mine rather than theirs.
The subtlety was not lost on the chancellor, who raised a critical eyebrow at my choice of words.
"Now, such a position requires confidence on both sides," I continued. "I must feel that I will be amply rewarded for my services, and His Majesty must be satisfied that my skills are worthy of his sponsorship."
I turned slightly and raised my voice to address the entire court.
"The generosity of the crown of Possiltum is known to all," I declared. "And I have every confidence His Majesty will reward his retainers in proportion to their service to him."
There was a strangled sound behind me, from the general, I think. I ignored it.
"Therefore, all that is required is that I satisfy His Majesty . . . and his advisors . . . that my humble skills will indeed suffice his needs."
I turned to the throne once more, letting the king see my secret smile which belied the humility of my words.
"Your Majesty, my powers are many and varied. However, the essence of power is control. Therefore realizing you are a busy man, rather than waste time with mere commercial trickeries and minor demonstrations such as we have already seen, I shall weave but three spells and trust in your wisdom to perceive the depths behind them."
I turned and stretched forth a finger to point at Buttercup and Gleep.
"Yonder are my prize pair of matched unicorns," I said dramatically. "Would Your Majesty be so kind as to choose one of them?"
The king blinked in surprise at being invited to participate in my demonstration. For a moment he hesitated.
"Umm . . . I choose the one on the left," he said, finally indicating Buttercup.
I bowed slightly.
"Very well, Your Majesty. By your word shall that creature be spared. Observe the other closely."
Actually, that was another little stunt Aahz had taught me. It's called a "magician's force," and allows a performer to offer his audience a choice without really giving them a choice. Had the king chosen Gleep, I would have simply proceeded to work on "the creature he had doomed with a word."
Slowly, I pointed a finger at Gleep and lowered my head slightly.
"Walla walla Washington!" I said somberly.
I don't know what the words meant, but Aahz assured me they had historic precedence and would convince people I was actually doing something complex.
"Alla kazam shazam," I continued, raising my other arm. "Bibbity bobbity . . ."
I mentally removed Gleep's disguise.
The crowd reacted with a gasp, drowning out my final "goo-gleep."
My dragon heard his name, though, and reacted immediately. His head came up and he lumbered forward to stand docilely at my side. As planned, Aahz immediately shambled forward to a position near Gleep's head and stood watchful and ready.
This was meant to imply that we were prepared to handle any difficulty which might arise with the dragon. The crowd's reaction to him, however, overshadowed their horror at seeing a unicorn transformed to a dragon. I had forgotten how effective the "disreputable character" disguise was. Afraid of losing the momentum of my performance, I hurried on.
"This misshapen wretch is my apprentice Aahz," I announced. "You may wonder if it is within his power to stop the dragon should the beast grow angry. I tell you now . . . it is not!"
The crowd edged back nervously. From the corner of my eye, I saw the general's hand slide to the handle of his axe.
"But it is within my power! Now you know that the forces of darkness are no strangers to Skeeve!"
I spun and stabbed a finger at Aahz.
"Bobbelty gook, crumbs and martyrs!"
I removed Aahz's disguise.
There was a moment of stunned silence, then Aahz smiled. Aahz's smile has been known to make strong men weak, and there were not many strong men in the crowd.
The audience half trampled each other in their haste to backpedal from the demon, and the sound of screeches was intermixed with hastily chanted protection spells.
I turned to the throne once more. The king and the chancellor seemed to be taking it well. They were composed, though a bit pale. The general was scowling thoughtfully at Aahz.
"As a demon, my apprentice can suppress the dragon if need be . . . nay, ten dragons. Such is my power. Yet power must be tempered with gentleness . . . gentility if you will."
I allowed my expression to grow thoughtful.
"To confuse one's enemies and receive one's allies, you need no open show of power or menace. For occasions such as those, one's powers can be masked until one is no more conspicuous than . . . than a stripling."
As I spoke the final words, I stripped away my own disguise and stood in my youthful unsplendor. I probably should have used some fake magik words, but I had already used up all the ones Aahz had taught me and was afraid of experimenting with new ones.
The king and the chancellor were staring at me intently as if trying to penetrate my magical disguise with willpower alone. The general was performing a similar exercise staring at Aahz, who folded his arms and bared his teeth in a confident smile.
For a change, I shared his confidence. Let them stare. It was too late to penetrate my magik because I wasn't working any more. Though the royal troupe and the entire audience was convinced they were witnessing a powerful spell, in actuality all I had done was remove the spells which had been distorting their vision. At the moment, all of us, Aahz, Buttercup, Gleep, and myself, were our normal selves, however abnormal we appeared. Even the most adept magical vision could not penetrate a nonexistent spell.
"As you see, Your Majesty," I concluded. "My powers are far from ordinary. They can make the gentle fearsome, or the mighty harmless. They can destroy your enemies or amuse your court, depending upon your whim. Say the word, speak your approval, and the powers of Skeeve are yours to command."
I drew myself up and bowed my head respectfully, and remained in that position awaiting judgment from the throne.
Several moments passed without a word. Finally, I risked a peek at the pavilion.
The chancellor and the general were exchanging heated whispers over the head of the king, who inclined his head this way and that as he listened. Realizing this could take a while, I quietly eased my head to an upright position as I waited.
"Skeeve!" the king called suddenly, interrupting his advisor's arguments. "That thing you did with the pike. Can you always control weapons so easily?"
"Child's play, Your Majesty," I said modestly. "I hesitate to even acknowledge it as a power."
The king nodded and spoke briefly to his advisors in undertones. When he had finished, the general flushed and, turning on his heel, strode off into the palace. The chancellor looked smug.
I risked a glance at Aahz, who winked at me. Even though he was further away, apparently his acute hearing had given him advance notice of the king's decision.
"Let all here assembled bear witness!" the chancellor's ringing voice announced. "Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum, does hereby commend the magical skill and knowledge of one Skeeve and does formally name him Magician to the Court of Possiltum. Let all applaud the appointment of this master magician . . . and then disperse!"
There was a smattering of halfhearted applause from my vanquished rivals, and more than a few glares. I acknowledged neither as I tried to comprehend the chancellor's words.
I did it! Court Magician! Of the entire selection of magicians from five kingdoms, I had been chosen! Me! Skeeve!
I was suddenly aware of the chancellor beckoning me forward. Trying to be nonchalant, I approached the throne.
"Lord Magician," the chancellor said with a smile. "If you will, might we discuss the matter of your wages?"
"My apprentice handles such matters," I informed him loftily. "I prefer not to distract myself with such mundane matters."
Again, we had agreed that Aahz would handle the wage negotiations, his knowledge of magik being surpassed only by his skill at haggling. I turned and beckoned to him. He responded by hurrying forward, his eavesdropping having forewarned him of the situation.
"That can wait, Grimble," the king interrupted. "There are more pressing matters which command our magician's attention."
"You need only command, Your Majesty," I said, bowing grandly.
"Fine," the king beamed. "Then report to General Badaxe immediately for your briefing."
"Briefing about what?" I asked, genuinely puzzled.
"Why, your briefing about the invading army, of course," the king replied.
An alarm gong went off in the back of my mind.
"Invading army?" I blurted, forgetting my rehearsed pompous tones. "What invading army?"
"The one which even now approaches our borders," the chancellor supplied. "Why else would we suddenly need a magician?"
"Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician."
-G. A. CUSTER
"Cushy job, he said! Chance to practice, he said! Piece of cake, he said!"
"Simmer down, kid!" Aahz growled.
"Simmer down? Aahz, weren't you listening? I'm supposed to stop an army! Me!"
"It could be worse," Aahz insisted.
"How?" I asked bluntly.
"You could be doing it without me," he replied. "Think about it."
I did, and cooled down immediately. Even though my association with Aahz seemed to land me in an inordinate amount of trouble, he had also been unfailing in his ability to get me out . . . so far. The last thing I wanted to do was drive him away just when I needed him the most.
"What am I going to do, Aahz?" I moaned.
"Since you ask"-Aahz smiled-"my -advice would be to not panic until we get the whole story.
Remember, there are armies and there are armies. For all we know, this one might be weak enough for us to beat fair and square."
"And if it isn't?" I asked skeptically.
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Aahz sighed. "First, let's hear what old Badaxe has to say."
Not being able to think of anything to say in reply to that, I didn't. Instead, I kept pace with my mentor in gloomy silence as we followed the chancellor's directions through the corridors of the palace.
It would have been easier to accept the offered guide to lead us to our destination, but I had been more than a little eager to speak with Aahz privately. Consequently, we had left Buttercup and Gleep in the courtyard with our equipment and were seeking out the general's chambers on our own.
The palace was honeycombed with corridors to the point where I wondered if there weren't more corridors than rooms. Our trek was made even more difficult by the light, or lack thereof. Though there were numerous mountings for torches set in the walls, it seemed only about one out of every four was being used, and the light shed by those torches was less than adequate for accurate navigation of the labyrinth.
I commented on this to Aahz as further proof of the tightfisted nature of the kingdom. His curt response was that the more money they saved on overhead and maintenance, the more they would have to splurge on luxuries . . . like us.
He was doggedly trying to explain the concept of an "energy crisis" to me, when we rounded a corner and sighted the general's quarters.
They were fairly easy to distinguish, since this was the only door we had encountered which was bracketed by a pair of snatching honor guards. Their polished armor gleamed from broad shoulders as they observed our approach through narrowed eyes.
"Are these the quarters of General Badaxe?" I inquired politely.
"Are you the magician called Skeeve?" the guard challenged back.
"The kid asked you a question, soldier!" Aahz interceded. "Now are you going to answer or are you so dumb you don't know what's on the other side of the door you're guarding?"
The guard flushed bright red, and I noticed his partner's knuckles whitening on the pike he was gripping. It occurred to me that now that I had landed the magician's job, it might not be the wisest course to continue antagonizing the military.
"Um, Aahz . . ." I murmured.
"Yes! These are the quarters of General Badaxe . . . sir!" the guard barked suddenly.
Apparently the mention of my colleague's name had confirmed my identity, though I wondered how many strangers could be wandering the halls accompanied by large scaly demons. The final, painful, "sir" was a tribute to my performance in the courtyard. Apparently the guards had been instructed to be polite, at least to me, no matter how much it hurt . . . which it obviously did.
"Thank you, guard," I said loftily, and hammered on the door with my fist.
"Further," the guard observed, "the general left word that you were to go right in."
The fact that he had withheld that bit of information until after I had knocked indicated that the guards hadn't completely abandoned their low regard for magicians. They were simply finding more subtle ways of being annoying.
I realized Aahz was getting ready to start a new round with the guard, so I hastily opened the door and entered, forcing him to follow.
The general was standing at the window, silhouetted by the light streaming in from outside. As we entered he turned to face us.
"Ah! Come in, gentlemen," he boomed in a mellow tone. "I've been expecting you. Do make yourselves comfortable. Help yourselves to the wine if you wish."
I found his sudden display of friendliness even more disquieting than his earlier show of hostility. Aahz, however, took it all in stride, immediately taking up the indicated jug of wine. For a moment I thought he was going to pour a bit of it into one of the goblets which shared the tray with the jug and pass it to me. Instead, he took a deep drink directly from the jug and kept it, licking his lips in appreciation. In the midst of the chaos my life had suddenly become, it was nice to know some things remained constant.
The general frowned at the display for a moment, then forced his features back into the jovial expression he had first greeted us with.
"Before we begin the briefing," he smiled, "I must apologize for my rude behavior during the interview. Grimble and I have . . . differed in our opinions on the existing situation, and I'm afraid I took it out on you. For that I extend my regrets. Ordinarily, I would have nothing against magicians as a group, or you specifically. "
"Whoa! Back up a minute, General," Aahz interrupted. "How does your feud with the chancellor involve us?"
The general's eyes glittered with a fierceness that belied the gentility of his oration.
"It's an extension of our old argument concerning allocation of funds," he said. "When news reached us of the approaching force, my advice to the king was to immediately strengthen our own army that we might adequately perform our sworn duty of defending the realm."
"Sounds like good advice to me," I interjected, hoping to improve my status with the general by agreeing with him.
Badaxe responded by fixing me with a hard glare.
"Strange that you should say that, magician," he observed stonily. "Grimble's advice was to invest the money elsewhere than in the army, specifically in a magician."
It suddenly became clear why we had been received by the guards and the general with something less than open-armed camaraderie. Not only were they getting us instead of reinforcements, our presence was a slap at their abilities.
"Okay, General," Aahz acknowledged. "All that's water under the drawbridge. What are we up against?"
The general glanced back and forth between me and Aahz, apparently surprised that I was allowing my apprentice to take the lead in the briefing. When I failed to rebuke Aahz for his forwardness, the general shrugged and moved to a piece of parchment hanging on the wall.
"I believe the situation is shown clearly by this-" he began.
"What's that?" Aahz interrupted.
The general started to respond sharply, then caught himself. "This," he said evenly, "is a map of the kingdom you are supposed to defend. It's called Possiltum."
"Yes, of course," I nodded. "Continue."
"This line here to the north of our border represents the advancing army you are to deal with."
"Too bad you couldn't get it to scale," Aahz commented. "The way you have it there, the enemy's front is longer than your border."
The general bared his teeth.
"The drawing is to scale," he said pointedly. "Perhaps now you will realize the magnitude of the task before you."
My mind balked at accepting his statement.
"Really, General," I chided. "Surely you're overstating the case. There aren't enough fighting men in any kingdom to form a front that long."
"Magician," the general's voice was menacing, "I did not reach my current rank by overstating military situations. The army you are facing is one of the mightiest forces the world has ever seen. It is the striking arm of a rapidly growing empire situated far to the north. They have been advancing for three years now, absorbing smaller kingdoms and crushing any resistance offered. All able-bodied men of conquered lands are conscripted for military service, swelling their ranks to the size you see indicated on the map. The only reason they are not advancing faster is that in addition to limitless numbers of men, they possess massive war machines which, though effective, are slow to transport."
"Now tell us the bad news," Aahz commented dryly.
The general took him seriously.
"The bad news," he growled, "is that their leader is a strategist without peer. He rose to power trouncing forces triple the size of his own numbers, and now that he has a massive army at his command, he is virtually unbeatable."
"I'm beginning to see why the king put his money into a magician," my mentor observed. "It doesn't look like you could have assembled a force large enough to stop them."
"That wasn't my plan!" the general bristled. "While we may not have been able to crush the enemy, we could have made them pay dearly enough for crossing our border that they might have turned aside for weaker lands easier to conquer."
"You know, Badaxe," Aahz said thoughtfully, "that's not a bad plan. Working together we might still pull it off. How many men can you give us for support?"
"None," the general said firmly.
1 blinked.
"Excuse me, General," I pressed. "For a moment there, I thought you said-"
"None," he repeated. "I will not assign a single soldier of mine to support your campaign."
"That's insane!" Aahz exploded. "How do you expect us to stop an army like that with just magik?"
"I don't," the general smiled.
"But if we fail," I pointed out, "Possiltum falls."
"That is correct," Badaxe replied calmly.
"But-"
"Allow me to clarify my position," he interrupted. "In my estimation, there is more at stake here than one kingdom. If you succeed in your mission, it will establish that magik is more effective than military force in defending a kingdom. Eventually, that could lead to all armies being disbanded in preference to hiring magicians. I will have no part in establishing a precedent such as that. If you want to show that magicians are superior to armies, you will have to do it with magik alone. The military will not lift a finger to assist you."
As he spoke, he took the jug of wine from Aahz's unresisting fingers, a sign in itself that Aahz was as stunned by the general's words as I was.
"My feelings on this subject are very strong, gentlemen," Badaxe continued, pouring himself some wine. "So strong, in fact, I am willing to sacrifice myself and my kingdom to prove the point. What is more, I would strongly suggest that you do the same."
He paused, regarding us with those glittering eyes.
"Because I tell you here and now, should you emerge victorious from the impending battle, you will not live to collect your reward. The king may rule the court, but word of what happens in the kingdom comes to him through my soldiers, and those soldiers will be posted along your return path to the palace, with orders to bring back word of your accidental demise, even if they have to arrange it. Do I make myself clear?"
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit."
-TERESIAS
With a massive effort of self-control, I contained myself not only after we had left the general's quarters, but until we were out of earshot of the honor guard. When I finally spoke, I managed to keep the telltale note of hysteria out of my voice, which would have betrayed my true feelings.
"Like you said, Aahz," I commented casually, "there are armies and there are armies. Right?"
Aahz wasn't fooled for a minute.
"Hysterics won't get us anywhere, kid," he observed. "What we need is sound thinking."
"Excuse me," I said pointedly, "but isn't `sound thinking' what got us into the mess in the first place?"
"Okay, okay!" Aahz grimaced. "I'll admit I made a few oversights when I originally appraised the situation."
"A few oversights?" I echoed incredulously. "Aahz, this `cushy job' you set me up for doesn't bear even the vaguest resemblance to what you described when you sold me on the idea."
"I know, kid," Aahz sighed. "I definitely owe you an apology. This sounds like it's actually going to be work."
"Work!" I shrieked, losing control slightly. "It's going to be suicide."
Aahz shook his head sadly.
"There you go overreacting again. It doesn't have to be suicide. We've got a choice, you know."
"Sure," I retorted sarcastically. "We can get killed by the invaders or we can get killed by Badaxe's boys. How silly of me not to have realized it. For a moment there I was getting worried."
"Our choice," Aahz corrected sternly, "is to go through with this lame-brained mission, or to take the money and run."
A ray of hope broke through the dismal gloom that had burdened my mind.
"Aahz," I said in genuine awe, "you're a genius. C'mon, let's get going."
"Get going where?" Aahz asked.
"Back to the inn, of course," I replied. "The sooner the better."
"That wasn't one of our options," my mentor sneered.
"But you said-"
"I said `take the money and run' not just `run,' '' he corrected. "We aren't going anywhere until we've seen Grimble."
"But Aahz-"
" `But Aahz' nothing," he interrupted fiercely. "This little jaunt has cost us a bundle. We're going to at least make it break even, if not show a small profit."
"It hasn't cost us anything," I said bluntly.
"It cost us travel time and time away from your studies," Aahz countered. "That's worth something."
"But-"
"Besides," he continued loftily, "there are more important issues at stake here."
"Like what?" I pressed.
"Well . . . like, um . . ."
"There you are, gentlemen!"
We turned to find Grimble approaching us rapidly from behind.
"I was hoping to catch you after the briefing," the chancellor continued, joining us. "Do you mind if I watch with you? '1 know you'll be eager to start off on your campaign, but there are certain matters we must discuss before you leave."
"Like our wages," Aahz supplied firmly.
Grimble's smile froze.
"Oh! Yes, of course. First, however, there are other things to deal with. I trust the general supplied you with the necessary information for your mission."
"Down to the last gruesome detail," I confirmed.
"Good, good," the chancellor chortled, his enthusiasm undimmed by my sarcasm. "I have every confidence you'll be able to deal with the riffraff from the North. I'll have you know you were my personal choice even before the interviews. In fact, I was the one responsible for sending you the invitation in the first place."
"We'll remember that," Aahz smiled, his eyes -narrowing 'dangerously.
A thought occurred to me.
"Say . . . um, Lord Chancellor," I 'said casually, "how did you happen to hear of us in the first place?"
"Why do you ask?" Grimble countered.
"No special reason," I assured him. "But as the interview proved so fruitful, I would like to send a token of my gratitude to that person who spoke so highly of me to you."
It was a pretty flimsy story, but the chancellor seemed to accept it.
"Well . . . um, actually it was a wench," he admitted. "Rather comely, but I don't recall her name just offhand. She may have dyed her hair since you met her. It was green at the time we . . . er . . . met. Do you know her?"
Indeed I did. There was only one woman who knew of Aahz and me, much less our whereabouts. Then again, there was only one woman I knew who fit the description of being voluptuous with green hair. Tanda!
I opened my mouth to acknowledge my recognition, when Aahz dug a warning elbow into my rib.
"Glah!" I said intelligently.
"How's that again?" Grimble inquired.
"I . . . um, I can't place the person, just offhand," I lied. "But you know how absentminded we magicians are."
"Of course," the chancellor smiled, for some reason relieved.
"Now that that's settled," Aahz interrupted, "I believe you mentioned something about our wages."
Grimble scowled for a moment, then broke into a good-natured grin.
"I can see why Master Skeeve leaves his business dealings to you, Aahz," he conceded.
"Flattery's nice," Aahz observed, "but you can't spend it. The subject was our wages."
"You must realize we are a humble kingdom," Grimble sighed, "though we try to reward our retainers as best we can. There have been quarters set aside for the court magician, which should be spacious enough to accommodate both of you. Your meals will be provided . . . that is, of course, assuming you are on time when they are served. Also, there is a possibility . . . no, I'd go so far as to say it is a certainty that His Majesty's generosity will be extended to include free stable space and food for your unicorns. How does that sound?"
"So far, pretty cheap," Aahz observed bluntly.
"What do you mean, `cheap?' " the chancellor snarled, losing his composure for a moment.
"What you've offered so far," Aahz sneered, "is a room we won't be sleeping in, meals we won't be eating, and stable space we won't be using because we'll be in the field fighting your war for you. In exchange, you want Skeeve here to use his skills to save your kingdom. By my calculations, that's cheap!"
"Yes, I see your point," Grimble conceded. "Well, there will, of course, be a small wage paid."
"How small?" Aahz pressed-:
"Sufficient to cover your expenses," the chancellor smiled. "Shall we say fifty gold pieces a month?"
"Let's say two hundred," Aahz smiled back.
"Perhaps we could go as high as seventy-five," Grimble countered.
"And we'll come down to two-twenty-five," Aahz offered.
"Considering his skills, we could pay . . . excuse me," the chancellor blinked. "Did you say two-twenty-five?"
"Actually," Aahz conceded, "I misspoke."
"I thought so." Grimble smiled.
"I meant two-fifty."
"Now see here-"the chancellor began.
"Look, Grimble," Aahz met him halfway, "you had three choices. You could double the size of your army, hire a magician, or lose the kingdom. Even at three hundred a month, Skeeve here is your best deal. Don't look at what you're spending, look at what you're saving."
Grimble thought about it for a few moments.
"Very well," he said, grimacing. "Two-fifty it is."
"I believe the figure under discussion was three hundred," I observed pointedly.
That earned me a black look, but I stood my ground and returned his stare levelly.
"Three hundred," he said, forcing the words out through gritted teeth.
"Payable in advance," Aahz added.
"Payable at the end of the pay period," Grimble corrected.
"C'mon, Grimble," Aahz began, but the chancellor interrupted him, holding up his hand.
"No! On that point I must remain inflexible," he insisted. "Everyone in the Royal Retinue is paid at the same time, when the vaults are opened at the end of the pay period. If we break that rule and start allowing exceptions, there will be no end to it."
"Can you at least give us a partial advance?" Aahz pressed. "Something to cover expenses on the upcoming campaign?"
"Definitely not!" Grimble retorted. "If I paid out monies for services not yet rendered, certain people, specifically Hugh Badaxe, would suspect you intended to take the money and flee without entering battle at all!"
That hit uncomfortably close to home, and I found myself averting my eyes for fear of betraying my guilt. Aahz, however, never even blinked.
"What about bribes?" he asked.
Grimble scowled.
"It is unthinkable that one of the king's retainers would accept a bribe, much less count on it as part of his income. Any attempt to bribe you should be reported immediately to His Majesty!"
"Not taking bribes, Grimble," Aahz snarled. "Giving them. When we give money out to the enemy, does that come out of our wages, or does the kingdom pay for it?"
"I seriously doubt you could buy off the army facing you," the chancellor observed skeptically. "Besides, you're supposed to carry the day with magik. That's what we're paying you for."
"Even magik is aided by accurate information," Aahz replied pointedly. "C'mon Grimble, you know court intrigue. A little advance warning can go a long way in any battle."
"True enough," the chancellor admitted. "Very well, I guess we can give you an allowance for bribes, assuming it will be kept within reason."
"How much in reason?" Aahz inquired.
"Say . . . five gold pieces."
"Twenty-five would-"
"Five!" Grimble said firmly.
Aahz studied his adversary for a moment, then sighed.
"Five," he said, extending his palm.
The chancellor grudgingly dug into his purse and counted out five gold pieces. In fact, he counted them twice before passing them to Aahz.
"You realize, of course," he warned, "I will require an accounting of those funds after your victory."
"Of course," Aahz smiled, fondling the coins.
"You seem very confident of our victory, Lord Chancellor," I observed.
Grimble regarded me with cocked eyebrow for a moment.
"Of course I am confident, Lord Magician," he said at last. "So confident, I have staked my kingdom, and more importantly, my reputation, on your success. You will note I rate my reputation above the kingdom. That is no accident. Kingdoms rise and fall, but a chancellor can always find employment. That is, of course, providing it was not his advice which brought the kingdom to ruin. Should you fail in your campaign to save Possiltum, my career is finished. If that should happen, gentlemen, your careers fall with mine."
"That has the sound of a threat to it, Grimble," Aahz observed dryly.
"Does it?" the chancellor responded with mock innocence. "That was not my intent. I am not threatening, I am stating a fact. I maintain very close contact with the chancellors of all of the surrounding kingdoms; in fact I am related to several. They are all aware of my position in this magik versus the military issue. Should I prove wrong in my judgment, should you fail in your defense of Possiltum, they will note it. Thereafter, any magician-and you specifically, Skeeve-will be denounced as a fraud and a charlatan should you seek further employment. In fact, as the chancellors frequently control the courts, I would not be surprised if they found an excuse or a trumped-up charge which would allow them to have you put to death as a favor to me. The method of death varies from kingdom to kingdom, but the end result is the same. I trust you will keep that in mind as you plan your campaign."
With that, he turned on his heel and strode away, leaving us standing in silence.
"Well, Aahz," I said finally, "do you have any sound advice on our situation now?"
"Of course," he retorted.
"What?" I asked.
"Now that we've got the whole story," he said solemnly, "now you can panic."
"There is more at stake here than our lives."
-COL. TRAVIS
Alamo Pep Talk
On the third night after leaving Possiltum's capital, we camped on a small knoll overlooking the kingdom's main north-south trail.
Actually, I use the phase "north-south" rather loosely in this instance. In three days' travel, our progress was the only northward movement we had observed on this particular strip of beaten dirt. The dearth of northbound traffic was emphasized by the high volume of people bound in the opposite direction.
As we traveled we were constantly encountering small groups and families picking their way steadily toward the capital in that unhurried yet groundeating pace that typifies people accustomed to traveling without means of transport other than their feet. They did not seem particularly frightened or panicky, but two common characteristics marked them all as being more than casual travelers.
First, the great amount of personal effects they carried was far in excess of that required for a simple pilgrimage. Whether bound in cumbersome backpacks or heaped in small, hand-pushed carts, it was obvious the southbound travelers were bringing with them as much of their worldly possessions as they could carry or drag.
Second, no one paid us any heed other than a passing glance. This was even more noteworthy than the prior observation.
Currently, our party consisted of three: myself, Aahz, and Gleep. We had left Buttercup at the palace, much to Aahz's disgust. He would have preferred to leave Gleep and bring Buttercup, but the royal orders had been firm on this point. The dragon was not to remain at the palace unless one or both of us also stayed behind to handle him. As a result, we traveled as a trio-a youth, a dragon, and a grumbling demon-not exactly a common sight in these or any other parts. The peasants flowing south, however, barely noticed us other than to give us clear road space when we passed.
Aahz maintained that this was because whatever they were running from inspired such fear that they barely noted anything or anybody in their path. He further surmised that the motivating force for this exodus could only be the very army we were on our way to oppose.
To prove his point, we attempted to question several of the groups when we encountered them. We stopped doing this after the first day due to the similarities of the replies we received. Sample:
Aahz: Hold, stranger! Where are you going? Answer: To the capital!
Aahz: Why?
Answer: To be as near as possible to the king when he makes his defense against the invaders from the North. He'll have to try to save himself even if he won't defend the outlands.
Aahz: Citizen you need flee no more. You have underestimated your king's concern for your safety. You see before you the new court magician, retained by His Majesty specifically for the purpose of defending Possiltum from the invading army. What say you to that?
Answer: One magician?
Aahz: With my own able assistance, of course.
Answer: I'd say you were crazy.
Aahz: Now look---
Answer: No, you look, whoever or whatever you are. Meaning no disrespect to this or any other magician, you're fools to oppose that army. Magik may be well and good against an ordinary force, but you aren't going to stop that army with one magician . . . or twenty magicians for that matter.
Aahz: We have every confidence---
Answer: Fine, then you go north. Me, I'm heading for the capital!
Though this exchange had eventually quelled our efforts to reassure the populace, it had given rise to an argument which was still unresolved as we prepared to sleep on the third night.
"What happened to your plan to take the money and run?" I grumbled.
"Big deal," Aahz shot back. "Five whole gold pieces."
"You said you wanted a profit," I pressed. "Okay! We've got one. So it's small . . . but so was the effort we put into it. Considering we didn't spend anything-"
"What about the unicorn?" Aahz countered. "While they're still holding the unicorn, we've lost money on the deal."
"Aahz," I reminded him. "Buttercup didn't cost us anything, remember? He was a gift from Quigley."
"It would cost money to replace him," Aahz insisted. "That means that we lost money on the deal unless we get him back. I've told you, I want a profit . . . and definitely refuse to accept a loss."
"Gleep?"
Aahz's heated words had awakened my dragon, who raised his head in sleepy inquiry.
"Go back to sleep, Gleep!" I said soothingly. "Everything's all right."
Reassured, he rolled onto his back and laid back his head.
Ridiculous as he looked, lying there with his four legs sticking up in the air, he had reminded me of something.
I pondered the memory for a moment, then decided to change my tactics.
"Aahz," I said thoughtfully, "what's the real reason for your wanting to go through with this?"
"Weren't you listening, kid? I Said-"
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You said it was, for the profit. The only thing-wrong with that is you tried to leave Gleep behind, who cost us money, instead of Buttercup, who didn't cost us anything! That doesn't ring true if you're trying to show a profit with the least possible effort."
"Um, you know how I feel about that stupid dragon-" Aahz began.
"And you know how I feel about him," I interrupted, "As such, you also know I'd never abandon him to save my own skin, much less for money. For some reason, you wanted to be sure I'd see this thing through . . . and that reason has nothing at all to do with money. Now, what is it?"
It was Aahz's turn to lapse into thoughtful silence.
"You're getting better at figuring things out, kid," he said finally.
Normally, I would have been happy to accept the compliment. This time, however, I saw it as what it was: an attempt to distract me.
"The reason, Aahz," I said firmly.
"There are several reasons, kid," he said with uncharacteristic solemnity. "The main one is that you're not a master magician yet."
"If you don't mind my saying so," I commented dryly, "that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If I'm short on ability, why are you so eager to shove me into this mission?"
"Hear me out, kid," Aahz said, raising a restraining hand. "I made a mistake, and that mistake has dumped us into a situation that needs a master magician. More than a master magician's abilities, we need a master magician's conscience. Do you follow me?"
"No," I admitted.
"Not surprising," Aahz sighed. "That's why I tried to trick you into completing this mission instead of explaining it. So far, all your training has been on physical abilities without developing your professional conscience."
"You've taught me to keep one eye on the profits," I pointed out defensively.
"That's not what I mean, kid. Look, for a minute forget about profits."
"Are you feeling okay, Aahz?" I asked with genuine concern. "You don't sound like yourself at all."
"Will you get off my back, kid," he snarled. "I'm trying to explain something important!"
I sank into a cowed silence. Still I was reassured. Aahz was definitely Aahz.
"When you were apprenticed to Garkin," Aahz began, "and even when you first met me, you didn't want to be a magician. You wanted to be a thief. To focus your energies behind your lessons, I had to stress how much benefit you could reap from learning magik."
He paused. I didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He was right, both in his recollections and his interpretation of them.
"Well," he sighed, "there's another side to magik. There's a responsibility . . . a responsibility to your fellow practitioners, and, more importantly, to magik itself. Even though we have rivals and will probably acquire more if we live that long, and even though we may fight with them or beat them out for a job, we are all bound by a common cause. Every magician has a duty to promote magik, to see that its use is respected and reputable. The greater the magician, the greater his sense of duty."
"What's that got to do with our current situation?" I prompted.
"There's an issue at stake here, kid," he answered carefully. "You heard it from Badaxe and Grimble both. More importantly, you heard it from the populace when we talked to the peasants. Rodrick is gambling his entire kingdom on the ability of magik to do a job. Now, no one but a magician can tell how reasonable or unreasonable a task that might be. If we fail, all the laymen will see is that magik failed, and they'll never trust it again. That's why we can't walk away from this mission. We're here representing magik . . . and we've got to give it our best shot."
I thought about that for a few moments.
"But what can we do against a whole army?" I asked finally.
"To be honest with you," Aahz sighed, "I really don't know. I'm hoping we can come up with an idea after we've seen exactly what it is we're up against."
We sat silently together for a long time after that, each lost in his own thoughts of the mission and what was at stake.
"One need not fear superior numbers if the opposing force has been properly scouted and appraised."
-S. BULL
My last vestige of hope was squashed when we finally sighted the army. Reports of its massive size had not been overstated; if anything, they had failed to express the full impact of the force's might.
Our scouting mission had taken us across Possiltum's northern border and several days' journey into its neighbor's interior. The name of this kingdom was inconsequential. If it was not already considered part of the new empire, it would be as soon as the news spread.
We weren't sure if we had just missed the last battle, or if the kingdom had simply surrendered. Whichever the case, there were no defending troops in evidence, just large encampments of the Empire's forces spread out in a rough line which disappeared over the horizon in either direction.
Fortunately, the army was not currently on the move, which made our scouting considerably easier.
There were sentries posted at regular intervals all along the front line, but as they were not more than a given distance from the encampments, we simply traversed the line without approaching them too closely, and thus escaped detection.
Periodically, we would creep closer to an encampment or climb a tree to improve our view. Aahz seemed very absorbed in his own thoughts, both when we were actually viewing the troops and as we were traveling to new locations. Since I couldn't get more than an occasional grunt or monosyllable out of him, I occupied myself making my own observations.
The soldiers were clothed roughly the same. Standard equipment seemed to include a leather helmet and breastplate, a rough knee-length cloth tunic, sandals, sword, two javelins, and a large rectangular shield. Apparently they were not planning to move immediately, for they had pitched their tents and spent most of their time sharpening weapons, repairing armor, eating, or simply lolling about. Occasionally, a metal-encrusted soldier, presumably, an officer, would appear and shout at the others, whereupon they would listlessly form ranks and drill. Their practice would usually grind to a halt as soon as the officer passed from view.
There were occasional pieces of siege equipment designed to throw large rocks or spears long distances, though we never saw them in operation. The only pieces of equipment that seemed to be used with any regularity were the signal towers. Each encampment had one of these, a rickety affair of lashed together poles stretching roughly twenty feet in the air and surmounted by a small, square platform. Several times a day, one soldier in each encampment would mount one of these structures, and they would signal to each other with pennants or standards. The towers also did duty as clotheslines, and were periodically draped with drying tunics.
All in all, it looked like an incredibly boring existence. In fact, from my appraisal, the only thing duller than being a soldier of the Empire was spending days on end watching soldiers of the Empire!
I commented on this to Aahz as we lay belly-down on a grassy knoll, surveying yet another encampment.
"You're right, kid," he admitted absently. "Being a soldier is pretty dull work."
"How about us?" I probed, eager to keep him talking. "What we're doing isn't exactly exciting, you know!"
"You want excitement?" he asked, focusing on me for the first time in days. "Tell you what. Why don't you just stroll down there and ask the Officer of the Day for a quick rundown on how their army operates? I bet that'll liven things up for you."
"I'm not that bored!" I amended hastily.
"Then what say you just keep quiet and let me do this my way." Aahz smiled and resumed his studies.
"Do what your way?" I persisted. "Exactly what is it we're trying to accomplish anyway?"
Aahz sighed.
"We're scouting the enemy," he explained patiently. "We've got enough going against us on this campaign without rushing in uninformed."
"How much information do we need?" I grumbled. "This encampment doesn't look any different from the last five we looked at."
"That's because you don't know what you're looking for," Aahz scoffed. "What have you learned so far about the opposition?"
I wasn't ready for the question but I gamely rose to the challenge.
"Um . . . there are a lot of them . . . they're well armed... um . . . and they have catapults . . ."
"That's all?" Aahz sneered. "Brilliant! You and Badaxe make a great team of tacticians."
"Okay, so teach me!" I shot back. "What have you learned?"
"You can spend years trying to learn military theory without scratching the surface," my mentor replied sternly. "But I'll try to give you the important parts in a nutshell. To appraise a force, such as we're doing now, remember two words: `Sam' and 'Doc.'
" `Sam' and 'Doc,' " I repeated dutifully:
"Some folks prefer to remember `Salute' but I like `Sam' and 'Doc, ' " Aahz added as an aside.
"Terrific," I said, grimacing. "Now tell me what it means."
"They're to help you remember an information checklist," Aahz confided. " `Salute's stands for Size, Activity, Location, Unit, Time, and Equipment. That's fine as far as it goes, but it assumes no judgmental ability on the part of the scout. I prefer `Sam' and 'Doc.' That stands for Strength, Armament, Movement, and Deployment, Organization, and Communications."
"Oh," I said, hoping he wasn't expecting me to remember all this.
"Now, using that framework," Aahz continued, "let's summarize what we've seen so far. Size: there are lots of them, enough so it's kind of pointless to try for an exact count. Movement: currently, they're just sitting there."
"I got that far all by myself," I pointed out sarcastically.
"The big key, however," Aahz continued, ignoring me, "is in their Armament and Equipment. When you look at this, consider both what is there and what isn't."
"How's that again?" I asked.
"What there is, is a lot of foot-schloggers, infantry, a little artillery in the form of catapults and archers, but nothing even vaguely resembling cavalry. That means they're going to go slow when they move, particularly in battle. We don't have to worry about any fast, flanking moves; it'll be a toe-to-toe slugfest."
"But, Aahz-" I began.
"As to the Deployment and Organization," he pushed on undaunted, "they're strung out all over the place, probably because it's easier to forage for food that way. Then again, it displays a certain confidence on their part that they don't feel it's necessary to mass their forces. I think we're looking at their Organization, a collection of companies or battalions each under the leadership of two or three officers, all under the guidance of a super-leader or general."
"Aahz-" I tried again.
"Communications seems to be their most vulnerable point," Aahz pushed on doggedly. "If an army this size doesn't coordinate its movements, it's in big trouble. If they're really using signal towers and runners to pass messages, we might be able to jinx the works for them."
"All of which means what?" I interrupted finally.
"Hmm? Oh, that's a capsule summary of what we're up against," Aahz replied innocently.
"I know. I know," I sighed. "But for days you've been saying you'll formulate a plan after you've seen what we're up against. Well, you've seen it. What's the plan? How can we beat 'em?"
"There's no way, kid," Aahz admitted heavily. "If I had seen one, I would have told you, but I haven't, and that's why I keep looking."
"Maybe there isn't one," I suggested cautiously.
Aahz sighed.
"I'm starting to think you're right. If so, that means we'll have to do something I really don't want to do."
"You mean give up?" I said, genuinely startled. "After that big speech you gave me about responsibility and-"
"Whoa," Aahz interrupted. "I didn't say anything about giving up. What we're going to do is-"
"Gleep! "
The unmistakable sound came to us from behind, rolling up the hill from the brush-filled gully where we'd left my pet.
"Kid," Aahz moaned, "will you keep that stupid dragon quiet? All we need now is to have him pull the army down our necks."
"Right, Aahz!" I agreed, worming away backward as fast as I could.
As soon as I was clear of the crest of the hill, I rose to a low crouch and scuttled down the slope in that position. Crawling is neither a fast nor comfortable means of travel for me.
As per our now normal procedure, we had tethered Gleep to a tree . . . a large tree after he had successfully uprooted several small ones. Needless to say, he wasn't wild about the idea, but it was necessary considering the delicate nature of our current work.
"Gleep!"
I could see him now, eagerly straining at the end of his rope. Surprisingly, however, for a change he wasn't trying to get to me. In fact, he was trying his best to get at a large bush which stood some distance from his tree . . . or at something hidden in the bush!
Cold sweat suddenly popped out on my brow. It occurred to me that Gleep might have been discovered -by one of the enemy army scouts. That would be bad enough, but even worse was the possibility said scout might still be around.
I hurriedly stepped sideways into the shadow of a tree and reviewed the situation-. I hadn't actually seen a scout. In fact, there was no movement at all in the indicated bush. I could sneak back and get Aahz, but if I were wrong he wouldn't be very happy over being called to handle a false alarm. I could set Gleep loose and let him find the intruder, but that would mean exposing myself.
As I stood debating my next course of action, someone slipped up behind me and put hands over my eyes.
"Surprise!" came a soft voice in my ear.
"Should old acquaintance be forgot . . ."
-COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO
I jumped!
Perhaps I should clarify. When I say "I jumped," I mean I really jumped. Over a year ago, Aahz had taught me to fly, which is actually controlled hovering caused by reverse levitation.
Whatever it was, I did it. I went straight up in the air about ten feet and stayed there. I didn't know what had snuck up behind me, and didn't want to know. I wanted help! I wanted Aahz!
I drew a mighty breath to express this desire.
"Kinda jumpy, aren't you, handsome?"
That penetrated my panic.
Stifling my shout before it truly began, I looked down on my attacker. From my vantage point, I was treated to a view of a gorgeous golden-olive complexioned face, accented by almond-shaped cat's eyes, framed by a magnificent tumble of light green hair. I could also see a generous expanse of cleavage.
"Tanda!" I crowed with delight, forcing my eyes back to her face.
"Do you mind coming down?" she called. "I can't come up."
I considered swooping down on her -dramatically, but decided against it. I'm still not all that good at flying, and the effect would be lost completely if I crashed into her.
Instead, I settled for lowering myself gently to the ground a few paces from her.
"Gee, Tanda, I . . . glack!"
The last was squeezed forcefully from me as she swept me into a bone-crushing embrace.
"Gee, it's good to see you, handsome," she murmured happily. "How have you been?"
"I was fine," I noted, untangling myself briefly. "What are you doing here?"
The last time I had seen her, Tanda was part of the illfated group Aahz and I had seen off to dimensions unknown. Of the whole crowd, she had been the only one I was sorry to see go.
"I'm waiting for you, silly," she teased, slipping an affectionate arm around my waist. "Where's Aahz?"
"He's-" I started to point up the hill when a thought occurred to me. "Say . . . how did you know I had Aahz with me?"
"Oh! Don't get mad," she scolded, giving me a playful shake. "It stands to reason. Even Aahz wouldn't let you face that army alone."
"But how did you-"
"Gleep!"
My dragon had discovered his quarry was no longer hiding behind the bush. As a result, he was now straining at the end of his rope trying to reach us. The tree he was tethered to was swaying dangerously.
"Gleep!" Tanda called in a delighted voice. "How are ya, fella?"
The tree dipped to new lows as my dragon quivered with glee at having been recognized. I was quivering a little myself. Tanda had that affect on males.
Heedless of her own safety, Tanda bounded forward to kneel before the dragon, pulling his whiskers and scratching his nose affectionately.
Gleep loved it. I loved it, too. In addition to her usual soft, calf-high boots, Tanda was wearing a short green tunic, which hugged her generous curves and showed off her legs just swell. What's more, when she knelt down like that, the hem rode up until....
"What's wrong with that dragon?" Aahz boomed, bursting out of the brush behind me.
This time I didn't jump . . . much.
"Gee, Aahz," I began. "It's . . ."
I needn't have bothered trying to explain.
Tanda uncoiled and came past me in a bound.
"Aahz!" she exclaimed, flinging herself into his arms.
For a change, my mentor was caught as flat-footed as I had been. For a moment, the tangle of arms teetered on the brink of collapse, then down it went.
They landed with a resounding thump, Aahz on the bottom and therefore soaking up most of the impact.
"Still impulsive, aren't you?" Tanda leered.
"Whoosh.... hah . . . ah . . ." Aahz responded urbanely.
Tanda rolled to her feet and began rearranging her tunic.
"At least I don't have to ask if you're glad to see me," she observed.
"Tanda!" Aahz gasped at last.
"You remembered?" Tanda beamed.
"She's been waiting for us, Aahz," I supplied brightly.
"That's right!" Aahz scowled. "Grimble said you set us up for this job."
Tanda winced.
"I can explain that," she said apologetically.
"I can hardly wait," Aahz intoned.
"I'm kind of curious about that myself," I added.
"Um . . . this could take a while, guys," she said thoughtfully. "Got anything around to drink?"
That was easily the most reasonable question asked so far today. We broke out the wine, and in no time were sitting around in a small circle quenching our thirst. Much to Aahz's disgust, I insisted we sit close enough to Gleep that he not be left out. This meant, of course, his rather aromatic breath flavored our discussion, but as I pointed out it was the only way to keep him quiet while we talked.
"What happened after you left?" I prodded. "Where are Isstvan and Brockhurst and Higgins? What happened to Quigley? Did they ever bring Frumple back to life, or is he still a statue?"
"Later, kid," Aahz interrupted. "First things first. You were about to explain about Grimble."
"Grimble," Tanda responded, wrinkling her nose. "Did you ever notice the `crookeder' a person is, the more possessive he is? He's the main reason I didn't wait for you at Possiltum."
"From the beginning," Aahz instructed.
"From the beginning." Tanda pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Well, I picked him up in a singles bar . . . he's married, but I didn't know that till later."
"What's a singles bar?" I interrupted.
"Shut up, kid," Aahz snarled.
"Well, it wasn't actually a singles bar," Tanda corrected. "It was more of ä tavern. I should have known he was married. I mean, nobody that young is that bald unless he's got a wife at home."
"Skip the philosophy," Aahz moaned. "Just tell us the story, huh?"
Tanda cocked an eyebrow at him.
"You know, Aahz," she accused, "for someone as long-winded as you are when it comes to telling stories, you're awfully impatient when it comes to listening to someone else."
"She's right, you know," I commented.
"Enough!" Aahz bellowed. "The story!"
"Well, one of the things Grimble mentioned while he was trying to impress me with how important his job was, was that he was trying to find a court magician. He said he had convinced the king to hire one, but now he couldn't find one and was going to end up looking like an idiot."
"And when he mentioned idiots," I supplied, "naturally you thought of us."
"Now, don't be that way," Tanda scolded. "I thought it was a good way to help out a couple of friends. I knew you two were hanging out in this neck of the woods . . . and everybody knows what a cushy job being a court magician is."
"What did I tell you, kid," Aahz commented.
"We must be talking about different jobs," I retorted.
"Hey," Tanda interrupted, laying a soft hand on my arm. "When I gave him your names, I didn't know about the invading army. Honest!"
My anger melted away at her touch. Right then, she could have told me she had sold my head as a centerpiece and I would have forgiven her.
"Well . . ." I began, but she persisted, which was fine by me.
"As soon as I found out what the real story was, I knew I had gotten you into a tight spot," she said with soft sincerity. "Like I said, I would have waited at Possiltum, but I was afraid what with your disguises and all, that you'd recognize me before I spotted you. If you gave me the kind of greeting I've grown to expect, it could have really queered the deal. Grimble's a jealous twit, and if he thought we were more than nodding acquaintances, he would have held back whatever support he might normally give."
"Big deal," Aahz grumbled. "Five whole gold pieces."
"That much?" Tanda sounded honestly surprised. "Which arm did you break?"
"Aahz always gets us the best possible deal," I said proudly. "At least, monetarily."
"Well," Tanda concluded, "at least I won't dig into your war funds. When I found out the mess I had gotten you into, I decided I'd work this one for free. Since I got you into it, the least I can do is help get you out."
"That's terrific," I exclaimed.
"It sure is!" Aahz agreed.
Something in his voice annoyed me.
"I meant that she was helping us," I snarled. "Not that she was doing it for free."
"That's what I meant, too, apprentice," Aahz glowered back. "But unlike some, I know what I'm talking about!"
"Boys, boys," Tanda said, separating us with her hands. "We're on the same side. Remember?"
"Gleep!" said the dragon, siding with Tanda.
As I have said, Gleep's breath is powerful enough to stop any conversation, and it was several minutes before the air cleared enough for us to continue.
"Before we were so rudely interrupted," Tanda gasped at last, "you were starting to say something, Aahz. Have you got a plan?"
"Now I do," Aahz smiled, chucking her under the chin. "And believe me, doing it without you would have been rough."
That had an anxious sound to it: Tanda's main calling, at least the only one mentionable in polite company, was Assassin.
"C'mon, Aahz," I chided. "Tanda's good, but she's not good enough to take on a whole army."
"Don't bet on it, handsome," she corrected, winking at me.
I blushed but continued with my argument.
"I still say the job's too big for one person, or three people for that matter," I insisted.
"You're right, kid," Aahz said solemnly.
"We just can't . . . what did you say, Aahz?"
"I said you were right," Aahz repeated.
"I thought so," I marveled. "I just wanted to hear it again."
"You'd hear it more often if you were right more often," Aahz pointed out.
"C'mon, Aahz," Tanda interrupted. "What's the plan?"
"Like the kid says," Aahz said loftily, "we need more help. We need an army of our own."
"But Aahz," I reminded him, "Badaxe said-"
"Who said anything about Badaxe?" Aahz replied innocently. "We're supposed to win this war with magik, aren't we? Well, fine. With Tanda on our team, we've got a couple of extra skills to draw on. Remember?"
I remembered. I remembered Aahz saying he wasn't worried about Tanda leaving with Isstvan because she could travel the dimensions by herself if things got rough. The light began to dawn.
"You mean. . ."
"That's right, kid," Aahz smiled. "We're going back to Deva. We're going to recruit a little invasionary force of our own!"
"This is no game for old men! Send in the boys
-W. HAYS
I don't know how Tanda transported us from Klah to Deva. If I did, we wouldn't have needed her. All I know is that at the appropriate time she commenced to chant and shift her shoulders (a fascinating process in itself), and we were there.
"There," in this case, was at the Bazaar at Deva. That phrase alone, however, does not begin to describe our new surroundings as they came into focus.
A long time ago, the dimension of Deva had undergone an economic collapse. To survive, the Deveels (who I once knew as devils) used their ability to travel the dimensions and become merchants. Through the process of natural selection, the most successful Deveels were not the best fighters, but the best traders. Now, after countless generations of this process; the Deveels were acknowledged as the best merchants in all the dimensions. They were also acknowledged as being the shrewdest, coldest, most profit-hungry cheats ever to come down the pike.
The Bazaar at Deva was their showcase. It was an all-day, all-night, year-round fair where the Deveels met to haggle with each other over the wares fetched back from the various dimensions. Though it was originally established and maintained by Deveels, it was not unusual to find travelers from many dimensions shopping the endless rows of displays and booths. The rule of thumb was, "If it's to be found anywhere, you'll find it at the Bazaar at Deva."
I had been here once before with Aahz. At the time, we were searching for a surprise weapon to use against Isstvan. What we ended up with was Gleep and Tanda! . . . Distractions abound at the Bazaar.
I mention this in part to explain why, as unusual as our foursome must have appeared, no one paid us the slightest attention as we stood watching the kaleidoscope of activity whirling about us.
Gleep pressed against me for reassurance, momentarily taken aback at the sudden change of surroundings. I ignored him. My first visit to this place had been far too brief for my satisfaction. As such, I was rubbernecking madly, trying to see as much as possible as fast as possible.
Tanda was more businesslike.
"Now that we're here, Aahz," she drawled, "do you know where we're going?"
"No," Aahz admitted. "But I'll find out right now."
Without further warning, he casually reached out and grabbed the arm of the nearest passerby, a short, ugly fellow with tusks. Spinning his chosen victim around, Aahz bent to scowl in his face.
"You!" he snarled. "Do you like to fight?"
For a moment my heart stopped. All we needed now was to get into a brawl.
Fortunately, instead of producing a weapon, the tusker gave ground a step and eyed our party suspiciously.
"Not with a Pervert backed by a dragon, I don't," he retorted cautiously.
"Good!" Aahz smiled. "Then if you wanted to hire someone to do your fighting for you, where would you go?"
"To the Bazaar at Deva," the tusker shrugged.
"I know that!" Aahz snarled. "But where at the Bazaar?"
"Oh," the tusker exclaimed with sudden understanding. "About twenty rows in that direction, then turn right for another thirty or so. That's where the mercenaries hang out."
"Twenty, then up thirty," Aahz repeated carefully. "Thanks."
"A finder's fee would be appreciated more than any thanks," the tusker smiled, extending a palm.
"You're right!" Aahz agreed, and turned his back on our benefactor.
The tusker hesitated for a moment, then shrugged and continued on his way. I could have told him that Perverts in general and Aahz specifically are not noted for their generosity. "We go twenty rows that way, then up thirty," Aahz informed us.
"Yeah, we heard," Tanda grimaced. "Why didn't you just ask him flat out?"
"My way is quicker," Aahz replied smugly.
"Is it?" I asked skeptically.
"Look kid," Aahz scowled. "Do you want to lead us through this zoo?"
"Well. . ." I hesitated.
"Then shut up and let me do it, okay?"
Actually, I was more than willing to let Aahz lead the way to wherever it was we were going. For one thing, it kept him busy navigating a path through the crowd. For another, it left me with next to nothing to do except marvel at the sights of the Bazaar as I followed along in his wake.
Try as I might, though, there was just too much for one set of eyes to see.
In one booth, two Deveels argued with an elephant-headed being over a skull; at least, I think it was a skull. In another, a Deveel was putting on a demonstration for a mixed group of shoppers, summoning clouds of floating green bubbles from a tiny wooden box.
At one point, our path was all but blocked by a booth selling rings which shot bolts of lightning. Between the salesman's demonstrations and the customers trying out their purchases, the way was virtually impassable.
Aahz and Tanda never broke stride, however, confidently maintaining their pace as they walked through the thick of the bolts. Miraculously, they passed through unscathed.
Gritting my teeth, I seized one of Gleep's ears and followed in their footsteps. Again, the bolts of energy failed to find us. Apparently no Deveel would bring injury or allow anyone in his shop to bring injury to a potential customer. It was a handy fact to know.
The lightning rings brought something else to mind, however. The last time we parted company with Tanda, Aahz had given her a ring that shot a heat ray capable of frying a man-sized target on the spot. That's right . . . I said he gave it to her. You might think this was proof of the depth of his feelings for her. It's my theory he was sick. Anyway, I was reminded of the ring and curious as to what had become of it.
Increasing my pace slightly, I closed the distance between myself and the pair in the lead, only to find they were already deeply engrossed in conversation. The din that prevails at the Bazaar stymies any attempt at serious eavesdropping; but I managed to catch occasional bits and pieces of the conversation as we walked.
". . . heard . . . awfully expensive, aren't they?" Tanda was saying.
". . . lick their weight in . . ." Aahz replied smugly.
I moved in a little closer, trying to hear better.
". . . makes you think they've got anyone here?" Tanda asked.
"With the number of bars here?" Aahz retorted. "The way I hear it, this is one of their main. . ."
I lost the rest of that argument. A knee-high, tentacled mass suddenly scuttled across my boots and ducked through a tent flap, closely pursued by two very frustrated-looking Deveels.
I ignored the chase and the following screams, hurrying to catch up with Aahz and Tanda again. Apparently they were discussing mercenaries, and I wanted to hear as much as possible, both to further my education, and because I might have to lead them into battle eventually.
". . . find them?" Tanda was asking. "All we have is a general area."
". . . easy," Aahz replied confidently. "Just listen for the singing."
"Singing?" Tanda was skeptical.
"It's their trademark," Aahz pronounced. "It also lands them in most of their. . ."
A Deveel stepped in front of me, proudly displaying a handful of seeds. He threw them on the ground with a flourish, and a dense black thornbush sprang up to block my path. Terrific. Normally, I would have been fascinated, but at the moment I was in a hurry.
Without even pausing to upbraid the Deveel, I took to the air, desperation giving wings to my feet . . . desperation assisted by a little levitation. I cleared the thornbush easily, touched down lightly on the far side, and was practically trampled by Gleep as he burst through the barrier.
"Gleep?" he said, cocking his head at me curiously.
I picked myself up from the dust where I had been knocked by his enthusiasm and cuffed him.
"Watch where you're going next time," I ordered angrily.
He responded by snaking out his long tongue and licking my face. His breath was devastating and his tongue left a trail of slime. Obviously my admonishment had terrified him.
Heaving a deep sigh, I sprinted off after Aahz with Gleep lumbering along in hot pursuit.
I was just overtaking them when Aahz stopped suddenly in his tracks and started to turn. Unable to halt my headlong sprint, I plowed into him, knocking him sprawling.
"In a hurry, handsome?" Tanda asked, eyeing me slyly.
"Gee, Aahz," I stammered, bending over him, "I didn't mean to-"
From a half sitting position, his hand lashed out in a cuff that spun me halfway around.
"Watch where you're going next time," he growled.
"Gleep!" said the dragon and licked my face.
Either my head was spinning more than I thought, or I had been through this scene before.
"Now quit clowning around and listen, kid."
Aahz was on his feet again, and all business.
"Here's where we part company for a while. You wait here while I go haggle with the mercenaries."
"Gee, Aahz," I whined. "Can't I-"
"No, you can't!" he said firmly. "The crew I'm going after is sharp. All we need is one of your dumb questions in the middle of negotiations and they'll triple their prices."
"But-" I began.
"You will wait here," Aahz ordered. "I repeat, wait. No fights, no window shopping for dragons, just wait!"
"I'll stay here with him, Aahz," Tanda volunteered.
"Good," Aahz nodded. "And try to keep him out of trouble, okay?"
With that, he turned and disappeared into the crowd. Actually, I wasn't too disappointed. I mean, I would have liked to have gone with him, but I liked having some time alone with Tanda even more . . . that is, if you can consider standing in the middle of the Bazaar at Deva being alone with someone.
"Well, Tanda," I said, flashing my brightest smile.
"Later, handsome," she replied briskly. "Right now I've got some errands to run."
"Errands?" I blinked.
"Yeah. Aahz is big on manpower, but I'd just as soon have a few extra tricks up my sleeve in case the going gets rough," she explained. "I'm going to duck over to the special effects section and see what they have in stock."
"Okay," I agreed. "Let's go."
"No, you don't," she said, shaking her head. "I think I'd better go this one alone. The kind of places I have in mind aren't fit for civilized customers. You and the dragon wait here."
"But you're supposed to be keeping me out of trouble!" I argued.
"And that's why I'm not taking you along," she said, smiling. "Now, what do you have along in the way of weaponry?"
"Well . . ." I said hesitantly, "there's a sort of a sword in one of Gleep's packs."
"Fine!" she said. "Get it out and wear it. It'll keep the riffraff at a distance. Then . . . um . . . wait for me in there!"
She pointed at a strange-looking stone structure with a peeling sign on its front.
"What is it?" I asked, peering at it suspiciously.
"It's a `Yellow Crescent Inn,' " she explained. "It's sort of a restaurant. Get yourself something to eat. The food's unappetizing, but vaguely digestible."
I studied the place for a moment.
"Actually," I decided finally, "I think I'd rather . . ."
Right about there I discovered I was talking to myself. Tanda had disappeared without a trace.
For the second time in my life I was alone in the Bazaar at Deva.
"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce."
-HENRY VIII
Fascinating as the Bazaar is, facing it alone can be rather frightening.
Being particularly susceptible to fear, I decided to follow Tanda's advice and entered the inn.
First, however, I took the precaution of tethering Gleep to the inn's hitching post and unpacking the sword. We had one decent sword. Unfortunately, Aahz was currently wearing it. That left me with Garkin's old sword, a weapon which has been sneered at by demon and demon-hunter alike. Still, its weight was reassuring on my hip, though it might have been more reassuring if I had known anything about how to handle it. Unfortunately, my lessons with Aahz to date had not included swordsmanship. I could only hope it would not be apparent to the casual observer that this was my first time to wear a sword.
Pausing in the door, I surveyed the inn's interior. Unaccustomed as I was to gracious dining, I realized in a flash that this wasn't it.
One of the few pieces of advice my farmer father had given me before I ran away from home was not to trust any inn or restaurant that appeared overly clean. He maintained the cleaner a place was, the more dubious the quality and origin of their food would be. If he were even vaguely right, this inn must be the bottom of the barrel. It was not only clean, it gleamed.
I do not mean that figuratively. Harsh overhead lights glinted off a haphazard arrangement of tiny tables and uncomfortable-looking chairs constructed of shiny metal and a hard white substance I didn't recognize. At the far end of the inn was a counter behind which stood a large stone gargoyle, the only decorative feature in the place. Behind the gargoyle was a door, presumably leading into the kitchen. There was a small window in the door through which I caught glimpses of the food being prepared. Preparation consisted of passing patties of meat over a stove, cramming them into a split roll, slopping a variety of colored pastes on top of the meat, and wrapping the whole mess in a piece of paper.
Watching this process confirmed my earlier fears. I do all the cooking for Aahz and myself, as I did before that for Garkin and myself, and before that just for myself. While I have no delusions as to the high quality of my cooking, I do know that what they were doing to that meat could only yield a meal the consistency and flavor of charred glove leather.
Despite the obvious low quality of the food, the inn seemed nearly full of customers. I noticed this out of the corner of my eye. I also noticed that a high percentage of them were staring at me. It occurred to me that this was probably because I had been standing in the door for some time without entering while working up my courage to go in.
Feeling slightly embarrassed, I stepped inside and let the door swing shut behind me. With fiendish accuracy, the door closed on my sword, pinning it momentarily and forcing me to break stride clumsily as I started forward. So much for my image as a swordsman.
Humiliated, I avoided looking at the other customers and made-my way hurriedly to the inn's counter. I wasn't sure what I was going to do once I got there, since I didn't trust the food, but hopefully people would stop staring at me if I went through the motions of ordering.
Still trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, I made a big show of studying the gargoyle. There was a grinding noise, and the statue turned its head to return my stare. If wasn't a statue! They really had a gargoyle tending the counter!
The gargoyle seemed to be made of coarse gray stone, and when he flexed his wings, small pieces of crushed rock and dust showered silently to the floor. His hands were taloned, and there were curved spikes growing out of his elbows. The only redeeming feature I could see was his smile, which in itself was a bit unnerving. Dominating his wrinkled face, the smile seemed permanently etched in place, stretching well past his ears and displaying a set of pointed teeth even longer than Aahz's.
"Take your order?" the gargoyle asked politely, the smile never twitching.
"Um . . ." I said taking a step back. "I'll have to think about it. There's so much to choose from"
In actuality I couldn't read the menu . . . if that's what it was. There was something etched in the wall behind the gargoyle in a language I couldn't decipher. I assume it was a menu because the prices weren't etched in the wall, but written in chalk over many erasures.
The gargoyle shrugged.
"Suit yourself," he said indifferently. "When you make up your mind, just holler. The name's Gus."
"I'll do that . . . Gus," I smiled, backing slowly toward the door.
Though it was my intent to exit quietly and wait outside with Gleep, things didn't work out that way. Before I had taken four steps, a hand fell on my shoulder.
"Skeeve, isn't it?" a voice proclaimed.
I spun around, or started to. I was brought up short when my sword banged into a table leg. My head kept moving, however, and I found myself face to face with an Imp.
"Brockhurst!" I exclaimed, recognizing him immediately.
"I thought I recognized you when you . . . hey!" The Imp took a step backward and raised his hands defensively. "Take it easy! I'm not looking for any trouble."
My hand had gone to my sword hilt in an involuntary effort to free it from the table leg. Apparently Brockhurst had interpreted the gesture as an effort to draw my weapon.
That was fine by me. Brockhurst had been one of Isstvan's lieutenants, and we hadn't parted on the best of terms. Having him a little afraid of my "ready sword" was probably a good thing.
"I don't hold any grudges," Brockhurst continued insistently. "That was just a job! Right now I'm between jobs . . . permanently!"
That last was added with a note of bitterness which piqued my curiosity.
"Things haven't been going well?" I asked cautiously.
The Imp grimaced.
"That's an understatement. Come on, sit down. I'll buy you a milkshake and tell you all about it."
I wasn't certain what a milkshake was, but I was sure I didn't want one if they were sold here.
"Um . . . thanks anyway, Brockhurst," I said, forcing a smile, "but I think I'll pass."
The Imp arched an eyebrow at me.
"Still a little suspicious, eh?" he murmured. "Well, can't say as I blame you. Tell you what we'll do."
Before I could stop him, he strolled to the counter.
"Hey, Gus!" he called. "Mind if I take an extra cup?"
"Actually . . ." the gargoyle began.
"Thanks!"
Brockhurst was already on his way back, bearing his prize with him, some kind of a thin-sided, flimsy cannister. Plopping down at a nearby table, he beckoned to me, indicating the seat opposite him with a wave of his hand.
There was no gracious course for me to follow other than to join him, though it would later occur to me I had no real obligation to be gracious. Moving carefully to avoid knocking anything over with my sword, I maneuvered my way to the indicated seat.
Apparently, Brockhurst had been sitting here before, as there was already a cannister on the table identical to the one he had fetched from the counter. The only difference was that the one on the table was three-quarters full of a curious pink liquid.
With great ceremony, the Imp picked up the cannister from the table and poured half its contents into the new vessel. The liquid poured with the consistency of swamp muck.
"Here!" he said, pushing one of the cannisters across the table to me. "Now you don't have to worry about any funny business with the drinks. We're both drinking the same thing."
With that, he raised his vessel in a mock toast and took a healthy swallow from it. Apparently he expected me to do the same. I would have rather sucked blood.
"Um . . . it's hard to believe things aren't going well for you," I stalled. "You look well enough."
For a change, I was actually sincere. Brockhurst looked good . . . even for an Imp. As Aahz had said, Imps are snappy dressers, and Brockhurst was no exception. He was outfitted in a rust-colored velvet jerkin trimmed in gold, which set off his pink complexion and sleek black hair superbly. If he were starving, you couldn't tell it from looking at him. Though still fairly slender, he was as well muscled and adroit as when I had first met him.
"Don't let appearances fool you," Brockhurst insisted, shaking his head. "You see before you an Imp pushed to the wall. I've had to sell everything-my crossbow, my pouch of magic tricks-I couldn't even raise enough money to pay my dues to the Assassins Guild."
"It's that hard to find work?" I sympathized.
"I'll tell you, Skeeve," he whispered confidentially, "I haven't worked since that fiasco with Isstvan."
The sound of that name still sent chills down my back.
"Where is Isstvan, anyway?" I asked casually.
"Don't worry about him," Brochkurst said grimly. "We left him working concession stands on the Isle of Coney, a couple of dimensions from here."
"What happened to the others?"
I was genuinely curious. I hadn't had much of a chance to talk with Tanda since our reunion.
"We left Frumple under a cloud of birds in some park or other . . . figured he looked better as a statue than he did alive. The demon hunter and the girl took off for parts unknown one night while we were asleep. My partner, Higgens, headed back to Imper. He figured his career was over and that he might as well settle down. Me, I've been looking for work, ever since, and I'm starting to think Higgens was right."
"Come on, Brockhurst," I chided. "There must be something you can do. I mean, this is the Bazaar."
The Imp heaved a sigh and took another sip of his drink.
"It's nice of you to say that, Skeeve," he smiled. "But I've got to face the facts. There's not a big demand for Imps anyway, and none at all for an Imp with no powers."
I knew what he meant. All the dimension travelers I had met so far-Aahz, Isstvan, Tanda, and even the Deveel Frumple-seemed to regard Imps as inferior beings. The nicest thing I had heard said about them was that they were styleless imitators of the Deveels.
I felt sorry for him. Despite the fact we had first met as enemies, it wasn't that long ago I had been a loser nobody wanted.
"You've got to keep trying," I encouraged.
"Somewhere, there's someone who wants to hire you."
"Not very likely," the Imp grimaced. "The way I am now, l wouldn't hire me. Would you?"
"Sure I would," I insisted. "In a minute."
"Oh, well," he sighed. "I shouldn't dwell on myself. How have things been with you? What brings you to the Bazaar?"
Now it was my turn to grimace.
"Aahz and I are in a bad spot," I explained. "We're here trying to recruit a force to help us out."
"You're hiring people?" Brockhurst was suddenly intense.
"Yeah. Why?" I replied.
Too late, I realized what I was saying.
"Then you weren't kidding about hiring me!" Brockhurst was beside himself with glee.
"Um . . ." I said.
"This is great," the Imp chortled, rubbing his hands together. "Believe me, Skeeve, you won't regret this."
I was regretting it already.
"Wait a minute, Brockhurst," I interrupted desperately. "There are a few things you should know about the job."
"Like what?"
"Well . . . for one thing, the odds are bad," I said judiciously. "We're up against an army. That's pretty rough fare considering how low the pay is."
I thought I would touch a nerve with that remark about the pay. I was right.
"How low is the pay?" the Imp asked bluntly.
Now I was stuck. I didn't have the vaguest idea how much mercenaries were normally paid.
"We . . . um . . . we couldn't offer you more than one gold piece for the whole job," I shrugged.
"Done!" Brockhurst proclaimed. "With the current state of my finances, I can't turn down an offer like that no matter how dangerous it is."
It occurred to me that sometime I should have Aahz give me a quick course in rates of exchange.
"Um . . . there's one other problem," I murmured thoughtfully.
"What's that?"
"Well, my partner, you remember Aahz?"
The Imp nodded.
"Well, he's out right now trying to hire a force, and he's got the money," I continued. "There's a good chance that if he's successful, and he usually is, there won't be enough money left to hire you."
Brockhurst pursed his lips for a moment, then shrugged.
"Well," he said, "I'll take the chance. I wasn't going anywhere anyway. As I said, they haven't exactly been beating my door down with job offers."
I had run out of excuses.
"Well"-I smiled lamely-"as long as you're aware-"
"Heads up, boss," the Imp's murmur interrupted me. "We've got company."
I'm not sure which worried me more, Brockhurst calling me "boss" or the specterlike character who had just stepped up to our table.
"We're looking for a few good men."
-B. CASSIDY
For a moment I thought we were being confronted by a skeleton. Then I looked closer and realized there really was skin stretched over the bones, though its dusty-white color made it seem very dead indeed.
The figure's paleness was made even more corpselike by the blue-black hooded robe that enshrouded it. It wasn't until I noted the wrinkled face with a short, bristly white beard that I realized our visitor was actually a very old man . . . very old.
He looked weak to the point of near collapse, desperately clutching a twisted black walking staff which seemed to be the only thing keeping him erect. Still, his eyes were bright and his smile confident as-he stood regarding us.
"Did I hear you boys right?" he asked in a crackling voice.
"I beg your pardon?" Brockhurst scowled at him.
The ancient figure sneered and raised his voice.
"I said, `Did I hear you boys right?'!" he barked.
"What's the matter? Are you deaf?"
"Um . . . excuse me," I interrupted hastily. "Before we can answer you, we have to know what you thought we said."
The old man thought for a minute, then bobbed his head in a sudden nod.
"You know, yer right!" he cackled. "Pretty smart, young fella."
He began to list, but caught himself before he fell.
"Thought I heard you tell Pinko here you were looking for a force to take on an army," he pronounced, jerking a thumb at Brockhurst.
"The name's Brockhurst, not Pinko!" the Imp snarled.
"All right, Bratwurst," the old man nodded. "No need to get your dander up."
"That's Brockhurst!"
"You heard right," I interrupted again, hoping the old man would go away as soon as his curiosity was satisfied.
"Good!" the man declared. "Count me in! Me and Blackie haven't been in a good fight for a long time."
"How long is that in centuries?" Brockhurst sneered.
"Watch your mouth, Bratwurst!" the old man warned. "We may be old, but we can still teach you a thing or two about winnin' wars."
"Who's Blackie?" I asked, cutting off Brockhurst's reply.
In reply, the old man drew himself erect . . . well, nearly erect, and patted his walking staff.
"This is Blackie!" he announced proudly. "The finest bow ever to come from Archiah, and that takes in a lot of fine bows!"
I realized with a start that the walking staff was a bow, unstrung, with its bowstring wrapped around it. It was unlike any bow I had ever seen, lumpy and uneven, but polished to a sheen that seemed to glimmer with a life all its own.
"Wait a minute!" Brockhurst was suddenly attentive. "Did you say you come from Archiah?"
"That I did," the old man grinned. "Ajax's the name, fighting's my game. Ain't seen a war yet that could lay old Ajax low, and I've seen a lot of 'em."
"Um . . . could you excuse us for just a minute, sir?" Brockhurst smiled apologetically.
"Sure, son," Ajax nodded. "Take your time."
I couldn't understand the Imp's sudden change in attitude, but he seemed quite intense as he jerked his head at me, so I leaned close to hear what he had to say.
"Hire him, boss!" he hissed in my ear.
"What?" I gasped, not believing I had heard him right.
"I said hire him!" the Imp repeated. "I may not have much to offer you, but I can give you advice. Right now, my advice is to hire him."
"But he's-"
"He's from Archiah!" Brockhurst interrupted. "Boss, that dimension invented archery. You don't find many genuine Archers of any age for hire. If you've really got a war on your hands, hire him. He could tip the balance for us."
"If he's that good," I whispered back, "can we afford him?"
"One gold piece will be adequate," Ajax smiled toothily, adding his head to our conference. "I accept your offer."
"Excellent!" Brockhurst beamed.
"Wait a minute," I shrieked desperately, "I have a partner that-"
"I know, I know," Ajax sighed, holding up a restraining hand. "I heard when you told Bratwurst here."
"That's Brockhurst," the Imp growled, but he did it smiling.
"If your partner can't find help, then we're hired!" the old man laughed, shaking his head. "It's a mite strange, but these are strange times."
"You can say that again," I muttered.
I was beginning to think I had spoken too loud in my conversation with Brockhurst.
"One thing you should know, though, youngster," Ajax murmured confidentially. "I'm bein' followed."
"By who?" I asked.
"Don't rightly know," he admitted. "Haven't figured it out yet. It's the little blue fella in the corner behind me."
I craned my neck to look at the indicated corner. It was empty.
"What fella? I mean, fellow," I corrected myself.
Ajax whipped his head around with a speed that belied his frail appearance.
"Dang it," he cursed. "He did it again. I'm telling you, youngster, that's why I can't figure what he's after!"
"Ah . . . sure, Ajax," I said soothingly. "You'll catch him next time."
Terrific. An Imp with no powers, and now an old Archer who sees things.
My thoughts were interrupted by a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the gargoyle looming over me.
"Your order's ready, sir," he said through his perma-smile.
"My order?"
"Yes, if you'll step this way."
"There must be some mistake," I began, "I didn't. . ."
The gargoyle was already gone, lumbering back to his counter. I considered ignoring him. Then I considered his size and countenance, and decided I should straighten out this misunderstanding in a polite fashion.
"Excuse me," I told my charges. "I'll be right back."
"Don't worry about us, boss," Brockhurst waved.
I wasn't reassured.
I managed to make my way to the counter without banging my sword against anything or anyone, a feat that raised my spirits for the first time that afternoon. Thus bolstered, I approached the gargoyle.
"I . . . um . . . I don't recall ordering anything," I stated politely.
"Don't blame you, either," the gargoyle growled through his smile. "Beats me how anyone or anything can eat the slop they serve here."
"But-"
"That was just to get you away from those two," the gargoyle shrugged. "You see, I'm shy."
"Shy about what?"
"About asking you for a job, of course!"
I decided I would definitely have to keep my voice down in the future. My quiet conversation with Brockhurst seemed to have attracted the attention of half the Bazaar.
"Look . . . um. . ."
"Gus!" the gargoyle supplied.
"Yes, well, ah, Gus, I'm really not hiring-"
"I know. Your partner is," Gus interrupted. "But you're here and he isn't, so I figured I'd make our pitch to you before the second team roster is completely filled."
"Oh!" I said, not knowing what else to say.
"The way I see it," the gargoyle continued, "we could do you a lot of good. You're a Klahd, aren't you?"
"I'm from Klah," I acknowledged stiffly.
"Well, if my memory serves me correctly, warfare in that dimension isn't too far advanced technologically."
"We have crossbows and catapults," I informed him. "At least the other side does."
"That's what I said," Gus agreed. "Primitive. To stop that force, all you need is air support and a little firepower. We can supply both, and we'll work cheap, both of us for one gold piece."
Now I was sure I had underestimated the market value of gold pieces. Still, the price was tempting.
"I dunno, Gus," I said cagily. "Ajax there is supposed to be a pretty good Archer."
"Archers," the gargoyle snorted. `-`I'm talking about real firepower. The kind my partner can give you."
"Who is your partner?" I asked. "He isn't short and blue by any chance, is he?"
"Naw," Gus replied, pointing to the far corner. "That's the Gremlin. He came in with the Archer."
"A Gremlin?" I said, following his finger.
Sure enough, perched on a chair in the corner was a small, elfish character. Mischievous eyes danced in his soft blue face as he nodded to me in silent recognition. Reflexively, I smiled and nodded back. Apparently I owed Ajax an apology.
"I thought Gremlins didn't exist," I commented casually to Gus.
"A lot of folks think that," the gargoyle agreed. "But you can see for yourself, they're real."
I wasn't sure. In the split second I had taken my eyes off the Gremlin to speak with Gus, he had vanished without a trace. I was tempted to go looking for him, but Gus was talking again.
"Just a second and I'll introduce you to my partner," he was saying. "He's here somewhere."
As he spoke, the gargoyle began rummaging about his own body, feeling his armpits and peering into the wrinkles on his skin.
I watched curiously, until my attention was arrested by a small lizard that had crawled out of one of the gargoyle's wing folds and was now regarding me fixedly from Gus's right shoulder. It was only about three inches long, but glowed with a brilliant orange hue. There were blotchy red patterns which seemed to crawl about the lizard's skin with a life of their own. The overall effect was startlingly beautiful.
"Is that your lizard?" I asked.
"There he is!" Gus crowed triumphantly, snatching the reptile from his shoulder and cupping it in his hands. "Meet Berfert. He's the partner I was telling you about."
"Hello, Berfert," I smiled, extending a finger to stroke him.
The gargoyle reacted violently, jerking the lizard back out of my reach.
"Careful, there," he warned. "That's a good way to lose a finger."
"I wasn't going to hurt him," I explained.
"No, he was about to hurt you!" Gus countered. "Berfert's a salamander, a walking firebomb. We get along because I'm one of the few beings around that won't burn to a crisp when I touch him."
"Oh," I said with sudden understanding. "So when you said `firepower'-"
"I meant firepower," Gus finished. "Berfert cleans 'em out on the ground, and I work 'em over from the air. Well, what do you say? Have we got a deal?"
"I'll . . . um . . . have to talk it over with my partner," I countered.
"Fine," Gus beamed. "I'll start packing."
He was gone before I could stop him.
I sagged against the counter, wishing fervently for Aahz's return. As if in answer to my thoughts, my mentor burst through the door, following closely by Tanda.
My greeting died in my throat when I saw his scowl. Aahz was not in a good mood.
"I thought I told you to wait outside," he bellowed at me.
"Calm down, Aahz," Tanda soothed. "I thought he'd be more comfortable waiting in here. Besides, there's no reason to get upset. We're here and he's here. Nothing has gone wrong."
"You haven't been dealing with any Deveels?" Aahz asked suspiciously.
"I haven't even talked with any," I protested.
"Good!" he retorted, slightly mollified. "There's hope for you yet, kid."
"I told you he could stay out of trouble," Tanda smiled triumphantly. "Isn't that right, handsome?"
Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to answer her.
"I'll worry about it tomorrow."
-S. O'HARA
"Um . . . are the mercenaries waiting outside?" I asked finally.
"You didn't answer her question, kid," Aahz observed, peering at me with renewed suspicion.
"Don't strain your neck looking for your troops, handsome," Tanda advised me. "There weren't any. It seems our mighty negotiator has met his match."
"Those bandits!" Aahz exploded. "Do you have any idea what it would cost us if I had agreed to pay their bar bill as part of the contract? If that's a nonprofit group, I want to audit their books."
My hopes for salvation sank like a rock.
"You didn't hire them?" I asked.
"No, I didn't," Aahz scowled. "And that moves us back to square one. Now we've got to recruit a force one at a time."
"Did you try-" I began.
"Look, kid," Aahz interrupted with a snarl, "I did the best I could, and I got nowhere. I'd like to see you do better."
"He already has!" Brockhurst announced, rising from his seat. "While you were wasting time, Skeeve here has hired himself a fighting team."
"He what?" Aahz bellowed, turning on his critic. "Brockhurst! What are you doing here?"
"Waiting for orders in our upcoming campaign," the Imp replied innocently.
"What campaign?" Aahz glowered.
"The one on Klah, of course," Brockhurst blinked. "Haven't you told him yet, boss?"
"Boss?" Aahz roared. "Boss?"
"No need to shout," Ajax grumbled, turning to face the assemblage. "We hear ya plain enough."
"Ajax!" Tanda exclaimed gleefully.
"Tanda!" the old man yelped back.
She was at him in a bound, but he smoothly interposed his bow between them.
"Easy, girl," he laughed. "None of your athletic greetings. I'm not as young as I used to be, ya know."
"You old fraud!" Tanda teased. "You'll outlive us all."
Ajax shrugged dramatically. "That kinda depends on how good a general the youngster there is," he commented.
"Kid," Aahz growled through gritted teeth, "I want to talk to you! Now!"
"I know that temper!" Gus announced, emerging from the back room.
"Gus!" Aahz exclaimed.
"In the stone!" the gargoyle confirmed. "Are you in on this expedition? The boss didn't say anything about working with Perverts."
Instead of replying, Aahz sank heavily into a chair and hid his face in his hands.
"Tanda!" he moaned. "Tell me again about how this kid can stay out of trouble."
"Um . . . Aahz," I said cautiously, "could I talk to you for a minute . . . privately?"
"Why, I think that's an excellent idea . . . boss," he said.
The smile he gave me wasn't pleasant.
"Kid!" Aahz moaned after I had finished my tale. "How many times do I have to tell you? This is the Bazaar a2 Deva! You've got to be careful what you say and to whom, especially when there's money involved."
"But I told them nothing was definite until we found out if you had hired someone else," I protested.
"But I didn't hire anyone else, so now the deal is final," Aahz sighed.
"Can't we get out of it?" I asked hopefully.
"Back out of ä deal on Deva?" Aahz shook his head. "That would get us barred from the Bazaar so fast it would make your head spin. Remember, the Merchants Association runs this dimension."
"Well, you said you wanted outside help," I pointed out.
"I didn't expect to go that far outside," he grimaced. "An Imp, a senile Archer, and a gargoyle."
"And a salamander," I added.
"Gus is still bumming around with Berfert?" Aahz asked, brightening slightly. "That's a plus."
"The only really uncertain factor," I said thoughtfully, "is the Gremlin."
"How do you figure that?" Aahz yawned.
"Well, he's been following Ajax. The question is, why? And will he follow us to Klah?"
"Kid," Aahz said solemnly, "I've told you before. There are no such things as Gremlins."
"But Aahz, I saw him."
"Don't let it bother you, kid," Aahz sympathized. "After a day like you've been through, I wouldn't be surprised if you saw a Jabberwocky."
"What's a-"
"Is everything set?" Tanda asked, joining our conversation.
"About as set as we'll ever be," Aahz sighed. "Though if you want my honest opinion, with a crew like this, we're set more for a zoo than a war."
"Aahz is a bit critical of my choice in recruits," I confided.
"What's your gripe, Aahz?" she asked, cocking her head. "I thought you and Gus were old foxhole buddies."
"I'm not worried about Gus," Aahz put in hastily. "Or Berfert either. That little lizard's terrific under fire."
"Well, I can vouch for Ajax," Tanda informed him. "Don't let his age fool you. I'd rather have him backing my move than a whole company of-counterfeit archers."
"Is he really from Archiah?" Aahz asked skeptically.
"That's what 'he's said as long as I've known him," Tanda shrugged. "And after seeing him shoot, I've got no reason to doubt it. Why?"
"I've never met a genuine Archer before," Aahz said. "For a while I was willing to believe the whole dimension was a legend. Well, if he can shoot half as well as Archers are supposed to, I've got no gripes having him on the team."
I started to feel a little better. Unfortunately, Aahz noticed my smile.
"The Imp is another story," he said grimly. "I'm not wild about working with any Imp, but to hire one without powers is a waste of good money."
"Don't forget he's an Assassin," Tanda pointed out. "Powers or no powers, I'll bet we find a use for him. When we were talking with the Gremlin just now-"
"Now don't you start on that!" Aahz snarled.
"Start on what?" Tanda blinked.
"The Gremlin bit," Aahz scowled. "Any half-wit knows there are no such things as Gremlins."
"Do you want to tell him that?" Tanda smiled. "I'll call him over here and . . . oh, rats! He's gone again."
"If you're quite through," Aahz grumbled, rising from his chair, "we'd best get moving. There's a war waiting for us, you know."
"Oops! That reminds me!" Tanda exclaimed, fishing inside her tunic.
"I know I shouldn't ask," Aahz signed, "but what-"
"Here!" Tanda announced, flipping him a familiar object.
It was a metal rod about eight inches long and two inches in diameter with a button on one end of it.
"A D-Hopper!" I cried, recognizing the device instantly.
"It's the same one you gave Isstvan," Tanda smiled proudly. "I lifted it from him when we parted company. You'll probably want to undo whatever you did to the controls before you use it, though."
"If I can remember for sure," Aahz scowled, staring at the device.
"I thought it might come in handy in case we get separated on this job and you need a fast exit," Tanda shrugged.
"The thought's appreciated," Aahz smiled, putting an arm around her.
"Does this mean you'll be able to teach me how to travel the dimensions?" I asked hopefully.
"Not now I won't," Aahz grimaced. "We've got a war to fight, remember?"
"Oh! Yes, of course."
"Well, get your troops together and let's go," Aahz ordered.
"Okay," I agreed, rising from my chair. "I'll get Gleep and . . . wait a minute! Did you say my troops?"
"You hired 'em, you lead 'em," my mentor smiled.
"But you're-"
"I'll be your military advisor, of course," Aahz continued casually. "But the job of Fearless Leader is all yours. You're the court magician, remember?"
I swallowed hard. Somehow this had never entered into my thinking.
"But what do I do?" I asked desperately.
"Well," Aahz drawled. "First, I'd advise you to move 'em outside so we can all head for Klah together . . . that is, unless you're willing to leave your dragon behind."
That didn't even deserve an answer. I turned to face the troops, sweeping them with what I hoped was a masterful gaze which would immediately command their attention.
No one noticed. They were all involved in a jovial conversation.
I cleared my throat noisily.
Nothing.
I considered going over to their table.
"Listen up!" Aahz barked suddenly, scaring me half to death.
The conversation stopped abruptly and all heads swiveled my way.
"Aah . . ." I began confidently. "We're ready to go now. Everybody outside. Wait for me by the dragon."
"Right, boss!" Brockhurst called, starting for the door.
"I'll be a minute, youngster," Ajax wheezed, struggling to rise.
"Here, Gramps," Gus said. "Let me give you a hand."
"Name's not Gramps, it's Ajax!" the Archer scowled.
"Just trying to be helpful," the gargoyle apologized.
"I kin' stand up by myself," Ajax insisted. "Just 'cause I'm old don't mean I'm helpless."
I glanced to Aahz for help, but he and Tanda were already headed out.
As I turned back to Ajax, I thought I caught a glimpse of a small, blue figure slipping out through the door ahead of us. If it was the Gremlin, he was nowhere in sight when I finally reached the street.
"Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars!"
-A. HITLER
Fortunately, the army had not moved from the position it held when we left for Deva. I say fortunately because Aahz pointed out they might well have renewed their advance in our absence. If that had happened, we would have returned to find ourselves behind the enemy lines, if not actually in the middle of one of their encampments.
Of course, he pointed this out to me after we had arrived back on Klah. Aahz is full of helpful little tidbits of information, but his timing leaves a lot to be desired.
Ajax lost no time upon our arrival. Moving with a briskness that belied his years, he strung his bow and stood squinting at the distant encampments.
"Well, youngster," he asked, never taking his eyes from the enemy's formations, "what's my first batch of targets?"
His eagerness took me aback a bit, but Aahz covered for me neatly.
"First," he said loftily, "we'll have to hold a final planning session."
"We didn't expect to have you along, Ajax," Tanda added. "Having a genuine Archer on our side naturally calls for some drastic revisions of our battle plans. "
"Don't bother me none." Ajax shrugged. "Just wanted to let you know I was ready to earn my keep. Take yer time. Seen too many wars messed up 'cause nobody bothered to do any plannin'! If ya don't mind, though, think I'll take me a little nap. Jes' holler when ya want some shootin' done."
"Alt . . . go ahead, Ajax," I agreed.
Without further conversation, Ajax plopped down and pulled his cloak a bit closer about him. Within a few minutes, he was snoring lightly, but I noticed his bow was still in his grip.
"Now there's a seasoned soldier," Aahz observed. "Gets his sleep when and where he can."
"You want me to do a little scouting, boss?" Gus asked.
"Um . . ." I hesitated, glancing quickly at Aahz.
Aahz caught my look and gave a small nod.
"Sure, Gus," I finished. "We'll wait for you here."
"I'll scout in the other direction," Brockhurst volunteered.
"Okay," I nodded. "Aahz, can you give 'em a quick briefing?"
I was trying to drop the load in Aahz's lap, but he joined the conversation as smoothly as if we had rehearsed it this way.
"There are a couple of things we need specific information on," he said solemnly. "First, we need a battlefield, small with scattered cover. Gus, you check that out. You know what we're going to need. Brockhurst, see what details you can bring back on the three nearest encampments."
Both scouts nodded briskly.
"And both of you, stay out of sight," Aahz warned. "The information's no good to us if you don't come back."
"C'mon, Aahz," Gus admonished. "What have they got that can put a dent in the old rock?"
He demonstrated by smashing his forearm into a sapling. The tree went down, apparently without affecting the gargoyle's arm in the slightest.
"I don't know," Aahz admitted. "And I don't want to know, yet. You're one of our surprise weapons. No point in giving the enemy an advance warning. Get my meaning?"
"Got it, Aahz," Gus nodded, and lumbered off.
"Be back in a bit," Brockhurst said with a wave of his hand, heading off in the opposite direction.
"Now that we've got a minute," I murmured to Aahz as I returned Brockhurst's wave, "would you mind telling me what our final plan is? I don't even know what the preliminary plans were."
"That's easy," Aahz replied. "We don't have one . . . yet."
"Well, when are we going to form one?" I asked with forced patience.
"Probably on the battlefield," Aahz yawned. "Until then it's pointless. There're too many variables until then."
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to have at least a general idea as to what we're going to do before we wander out on the battlefield?" I insisted. "It would do a lot for my peace of mind."
"Oh, I've already got a general idea as to what we'll be doing," Aahz admitted.
"Isn't he sweet?" Tanda grimaced. "Would you mind sharing it with us, Aahz? We've got a stake in this, too."
"Well," he began lazily, "the name of the game is delay and demoralize. The way I figure it, we aren't going to overpower them. We haven't got enough going for us to even try that."
I bit back a sarcastic observation and let him continue.
"Delay and demoralize we should be able to do, though," Aahz smiled. "Right off the bat, we've got two big weapons going for us in that kind of a fight."
"Ajax and Gus," I supplied helpfully.
"Fear and bureaucracy," Aahz corrected.
"How's that again?" Tanda frowned.
"Tanda, my girl," Aahz smiled, "you've been spoiled by your skylarking through the dimensions. You've forgotten how the man on the street thinks. The average person in any dimension doesn't know the first thing about magik, particularly about its limitations. If the kid here tells 'em he can make the sun stop or trees grow upside down, they'll believe him. Particularly if he's got a few strange characters parading around as proof of his power, and I think you'll have to admit, the crew he's got backing him this time around is pretty strange."
"What's bureaucracy?" I asked, finally getting a word in edgewise.
"Red tape . . . the system," Aahz informed me.
"The organization to get things done that keeps things from getting done. In this case, it's called the chain-of-command. An army the size of the one we're facing has to function like a well-oiled machine or it starts tripping over its own feet. I'm betting if we toss a couple of handfuls of sand into its gears, they'll spend more time fighting each other than chasing us."
This was one of the first times Aahz had actually clarified something he said. I wished he hadn't. I was more confused than I had been before.
"Um . . . how are we going to do all this?" I asked.
"We'll be able to tell better after you've had your first war council," Aahz shrugged.
"Aren't we having it now?"
"I meant with the enemy," Aahz scowled. "Sometime in the near future, you're going to have to sit down with one of their officers and decide how this war's going to be fought."
"Me?" I blinked.
"You are the leader of the defenses, remember?" Aahz grinned at me.
"It's part of the job, handsome," Tanda confirmed.
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "It just came to me. I think I have a better idea."
"This I've got to hear," Aahz grinned.
"Shut up, Aahz," Tanda ordered, poking him in the ribs. "Whatcha got, handsome?"
"We've got a couple of trained Assassins on our side, don't we?" I observed. "Why don't we just put 'em to work? If enough officers suddenly turn up dead, odds are the army will fall apart. Right?"
"It won't work, kid," Aahz announced bluntly.
"Why not?"
"We can bend the rules, but we can't break 'em," Aahz explained. "Wars are fought between the troops. Killing off the officers without engaging their troops goes against tradition. I doubt if your own force would stand still for it. Old-troopers like Ajax would have no part of a scheme like that."
"He's right," Tanda confirmed. "Assassins take contracts on individuals in personal feuds, but not against the general staff of an army."
"But it would be so easy," I insisted.
"Look at it this way, kid," Aahz put in. "If you could do it, they could do it. The way things are now, you're exempt from Assassins. Would you really want to change that?"
"What do I say in a war council?" I asked.
"I'll brief you on that when the time comes," Aahz reassured me. "Right now we have other things to plan."
"Such as what?" Tanda asked.
"Such as what to do about those signal towers," Aahz retorted; jerking his head at one of the distant structures.
"We probably won't have time to break their code, so the next best thing is to disrupt their signals somehow. Now, you said you picked up some special effects items back at the Bazaar. Have you got anything we could use on the signal towers?"
"I'm not sure," Tanda frowned thoughtfully. "I wish you had said something about that before I went shopping."
"What about Ajax?" I suggested.
"What about him?" Aahz countered.
"How close would he have to be to the towers to disrupt things with his archery?"
"I don't know," Aahz shrugged. "Why don't you ask him."
Eager to follow up on my own suggestion, I squatted down next to the dozing bowman.
"Urn . . . Ajax," I called softly.
"Whatcha need, youngster?" the old man asked, coming instantly awake.
"Do you see those signal towers?" I asked, pointing at the distant structures.
Ajax rose to his feet and squinted in the indicated direction. "Sure can," he nodded.
"We . . . um . . . I was wondering," I explained, "can you use your bow to disrupt their signals?"
In response, Ajax drew an arrow from beneath his cloak, cocked it, and let fly before I could stop him.
The shaft disappeared in the direction of the nearest tower. With sinking heart, I strained my eyes trying to track its flight.
There was a man standing on the tower's platform, his standard leaning against the railing beside him. Suddenly, his standard toppled over, apparently breaking off a handspan from its crosspiece. The man bent and retrieved the bottom portion of the pole, staring with apparent confusion at the broken end.
"Any other targets?" Ajax asked.
He was leaning casually on his bow, his back to the tower. He hadn't even bothered watching to see if his missile struck its mark.
"Um . . . not just now, Ajax," I assured him. "Go back to sleep."
"Fine by me, sonny," Ajax smiled, resettling himself. "There'll be plenty of targets tomorrow."
"How do you figure that?" I asked.
"According to that signal I just cut down," he grinned, "the army's fixin' to move out tomorrow."
"You can read the signals?" I blinked.
"Sure," Ajax nodded. "There're only about eight different codes armies use, and I know 'em all. It's part of my trade."
"And they're moving out tomorrow?" I pressed.
"That's what I said." The bowman scowled. "What's the matter, are you deaf?"
"No," I assured him hastily. "It just changes our plans is all. Go back to sleep."
Returning to our little conference, I found Aahz and Tanda engrossed in a conversation with Brockhurst.
"Bad news, kid," Aahz informed me. "Brockhurst here says the army's going to move out tomorrow."
"I know," I said. "I just found out from Ajax. Can you read the signal flags too, Brockhurst?"
"Naw," the Imp admitted. "But the Gremlin can."
"What Gremlin?" Aahz bared his teeth.
"He was here a minute ago," Brockhurst scowled, looking around.
"Well, handsome," Tanda sighed, eyeing me, "I think we just ran out of planning time. Better call your dragon. I think we're going to need all the help we can get tomorrow."
Gleep had wandered off shortly after our arrival, though we could still hear him occasionally as he poked about in the underbrush.
"You go get the dragon, Tanda," Aahz ordered.
"Though it escapes me how he's supposed to be any help. The `boss' here and I have to discuss his war council tomorrow."
Any confidence I might have built up listening to Aahz's grand plan earlier fled me. Tanda was right. We had run out of time.
"Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior."
-HUN, A.T.
We waited patiently for our war council. The two of us, Aahz and me. Against an army.
This was, of course, Aahz's idea. Left to my own devices, I wouldn't be caught dead in this position.
Trying to ignore that unfortunate choice of words, I cleared my throat and spoke to Aahz out of the corner of my mouth.
"Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"How long are we going to stand here?"
"Until they notice us and do something about it."
Terrific. Either we'd rot where we stood, or someone would shoot us full of arrows.
We were standing about twenty yards from one of the encampments, with nothing between us and them but meadow. We could see clearly the bustle of activity within the encampment and, in theory, there was nothing keeping them from seeing us. This is why we were standing where we were, to draw attention to ourselves. Unfortunately, so far no one had noticed.
It had been decided that Aahz and I would work alone on this first sortie to hide the true strength of our force. It occurred to me that it also hid the true weakness of our force, but I felt it would be tactless to point this out.
At first, Brockhurst had argued in favor of his coming along with me instead of Aahz, claiming that as an Imp he had much more experience at bargaining than a demon. It was pointed out to him rather forcefully by Aahz that in this instance we weren't bargaining for glass beads or whoopie cushions, but for a war . . . and if the Imp wanted to prove to Aahz that he knew more about fighting ....
Needless to say, Brockhurst backed down at that point. This was good, as it saved me from having to openly reject his offer. I mean, I may not be the fastest learner around, but I could still distinctly remember Aahz getting the best of Brockhurst the last time, the two of them had squared off for a bargaining session.
Besides, if this meeting went awry, I wanted my mentor close at hand to share the consequences with me.
So here we stood, blatantly exposed to the enemy without even a sword for our defense. That was another of Aahz's brainstorms. He argued that our being unarmed accomplished three things. First, it showed that we were here to talk, not to fight. Second, it demonstrated our faith in my magical abilities to defend us. Third, it encouraged our enemy to meet us similarly unarmed.
He also pointed out that Ajax would be hiding in the tree line behind us with strung bow and cocked arrow, and would probably be better at defending us if anything went wrong than a couple of swords would.
He was right, of course, but it did nothing to settle my nerves as we waited.
"Heads up, kid," Aahz murmured. "We've got company."
Sure enough, a rather stocky individual was striding briskly across the meadow in our direction.
"Kid!" Aahz hissed suddenly. "Your disguise!"
"What about it?" I whispered back.
"It isn't!" came the reply.
He was right! I had carefully restored his "dubious character" appearance, but had forgotten completely about changing my own. Having our motley crew accept my leadership in my normal form had caused me to overlook the fact that Klahds are harder to impress than demons.
"Should I-" I began.
"Too late!" Aahz growled. "Fake it."
The soldier was almost upon us now, close enough for me to notice when he abandoned his bored expression and forced a smile.
"I'm sorry, folks," he called with practiced authority. "You'll have to clear the area. We'll be moving soon and you're blocking the path."
"Call your duty officer!" Aahz boomed back at him.
"My who?" the soldier scowled.
"Duty officer, officer of the day, commander, whatever you call whoever's currently in charge of your formation," Aahz clarified. "Somebody's got to be running things, and if you're officer material, I'm the Queen of the May."
Whether or not the soldier understood Aahz's allusion (I didn't), he caught the general implication.
"Yeah, there's someone in charge," he snarled, his complexion darkening slightly. "He's a very busy man right now, too busy to stand around talking to civilians. We're getting ready to move our troops, mister, so take your son and get out of the way. If you want to watch the soldiers, you'll have to follow along and watch us when we camp tonight."
66D0 you have any idea who you're talking to?" I said in a surprisingly soft voice.
"I don't care who your father is, sonny," the soldier retorted. "We're trying to-"
"The name's not `sonny,' it's Skeeve!" I hissed, drawing myself up. "Court magician to the kingdom of Possiltum, pledged to that kingdom's defense. Now I advise you to call your officer . . . or do you want to wake up tomorrow morning on a lily pad?"
The soldier recoiled a step and stood regarding me suspiciously.
"Is he for real?" he asked Aahz skeptically.
"How's your taste for flies?" Aahz smiled.
"You mean he can really-"
"Look," interrupted Aahz, "I'm not playing servant to the kid because of his terrific personality, if you know what I mean."
"I see . . . um. . . ." The soldier was cautiously backing toward the encampment. "I'll . . . um . . . I'll bring my commanding officer."
"We'll be here," Aahz assured him.
The soldier nodded and retreated with noticeably greater speed than he had displayed approaching us.
"So far, so good," my mentor said with a grin.
"What's wrong with my personality?" I asked bluntly.
Aahz sighed. "Later, kid. For the time being, concentrate on looking aloof and dignified, okay?"
Okay or not, there wasn't much else to do while we waited for the officer to put in his appearance.
Apparently, news of our presence spread through the encampment in record time, for a crowd of soldiers gathered at the edge of the camp long before we saw any sign of the officer. It seemed all preparations to move were suspended at least temporarily while the soldiers lined up and craned their necks to gawk at us.
It was kind of a nice feeling to have caused such a sensation, until I noticed several soldiers were taking time to strap on weapons and armor before joining the crowd;
"Aahz!" I whispered.
"Yeah, kid?"
"I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful meeting."
"It is," he assured me.
"But they're arming!" I pointed out.
"Relax, kid," he whispered back. "Remember, Ajax is covering us."
I tried to focus on that thought. Then I saw what was apparently the officer approaching us flanked by two soldiers, and I focused on the swords they were all wearing.
"Aahz!" I hissed.
"Relax, kid," Aahz advised me. "Remember Ajax."
I remembered. I also remembered we were vastly outnumbered.
"I understand you gentlemen are emissaries of Possiltum?" the officer asked, coming to a halt in front of us.
I nodded stiffly hoping the abruptness of my motion would be interpreted as annoyance rather than fear.
"Fine," the officer smirked. "Then as the first representative of the Empire to contact a representative of Possiltum, I have the pleasure of formally declaring war on your kingdom."
"What is your name?" Aahz asked casually.
'Claude," the officer responded. "Why do you ask?"
"The historians like details," Aahz shrugged. "Well, Claude, as the first representative of Possiltum to meet with a representative of your Empire in times of war, it is our pleasure to demand your unconditional surrender."
That got a smile out of the officer.
"Surrender?" he chortled. "To a cripple and a child? You must be mad. Even if I had the authority to do such a thing, I wouldn't."
"That's right." Aahz shook his head in mock selfadmonishment. "We should have realized. Someone in charge of a supply company wouldn't swing much weight in an army like this, would he?"
We had chosen this particular group of soldiers to approach specifically because they were a supply unit. That meant they were lightly armed and hopefully not an elite fighting group.
Aahz's barb struck home, however. The officer stopped smiling and dropped his hand to his sword hilt. I found myself thinking again of Ajax's protection.
"I have more than enough authority to deal with you two," he hissed.
"Authority, maybe," I yawned. "But I frankly doubt you have the power to stand against us."
As I mentioned, I did not feel as confident as I sounded. The officer's honor guard had mimicked his action, so that now all three of our adversaries were standing ready to draw their swords.
"Very well," Claude snarled. "You've been warned. Now we're going to bring our wagons across this spot, and if you're on it when we get here you've no one to blame but yourselves."
"Accepted!" Aahz leered. "Shall we say noon tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" the officer scowled. "What's wrong with right now?"
"Come, come, Claude," Aahz admonished. "We're talking about the first engagement of a new campaign. Surely you want some time to plan your tactics."
"Tactics?" Claude echoed thoughtfully.
". . . and to pass the word to your superiors that you're leading the opening gambit," Aahz continued casually.
"Hmm," the officer murmured.
". . . and to summon reinforcements," I supplied. "Unless, of course, you want to keep all the glory for yourself."
"Glory!"
That did it. Claude pounced on the word like a Deveel on a gold piece. Aahz had been right in assuming supply officers don't see combat often.
"I . . . uh . . . I don't believe we'll require reinforcements," he murmured cagily.
"Are you sure?" Aahz sneered. "The odds are only about a hundred to one in your favor."
"But he is a magician," Claude smiled. "A good officer can't be too careful. Still, it would be pointless to involve too many officers . . . er . . . I mean, soldiers in a minor skirmish."
"Claude," Aahz said with grudging admiration, "I can see yours is a military mind without equal. Win or lose, I look forward to having you as an opponent."
"And you, sir," the officer returned with equal formality. "Shall we say noon then?"
"We'll be here," Aahz nodded.
With that, the officer turned and strode briskly back to his encampment, his bodyguard trudging dutifully beside him.
Our comrades were bristling with questions when we reentered the tree line.
"Is it set, boss?" Brockhurst asked.
"Any trouble?" Tanda pressed.
"Piece of cake," Aahz bragged. "Right, kid?"
"Well," I began modestly, "I was a little worried when they started to reach for their swords. I would have been terrified if-I didn't know Ajax was . . . say, where is Ajax?"
"He's up in that clump of bushes," Gus informed me, jerking a massive thumb at a thicket of greenery on the edge of the tree line. "He should be back by now."
When we found Ajax, he was fast asleep curled around his bow. We had to shake him several times to wake him.
"Just before the battle, Mother, 1 was thinking most of you... "
-SONNY BARKER
A long, slimy tongue assaulted me from the darkness, accompanied by a blast of bad breath which could have only one source.
"Gleep!"
I started to automatically cuff the dragon away, then had a sudden change of heart.
"Hi, fella," I smiled, scratching his ear. "Lonely?"
In response, my pet flopped on his side with a thud that shook the ground. His serpentine neck was long enough that he managed to perform this maneuver without moving his head from my grasp.
His loyal affection brought a smile to my face for the first time since I had taken up my lonely vigil. It was -a welcome antidote to my nervous insomnia.
I was leaning against a tree; watching the pinpoints of light that marked the enemy's encampment. Even though the day's events had left me exhausted, I found myself unable to sleep, my mind awash with fears and anticipation of tomorrow's clash. Not wishing to draw attention to my discomfort, I had crept to this place to be alone.
As stealthy as I had attempted to be, however, apparently Gleep had noted my movement and come to keep me company.
"Oh, Gleep," I whispered. "What are we going to do?"
For his answer, he snuggled closer against me and laid his head in my lap for additional patting. He seemed to have unshakable faith in my ability to handle any crisis as it arose. I wished with all my heart I shared his confidence.
"Skeeve?" came a soft voice from my right.
I turned my head and found Tanda standing close beside me. The disquieting thing about having an Assassin for a friend is that they move so silently.
"Can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure, Tanda," I said, patting the ground next to me. "Have a seat."
Instead of sitting at the indicated spot, she sank to the ground where she stood and curled her legs up under her.
"It's about Ajax," she began hesitantly. "I hate to bother you, but I'm worried about him."
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Well, the team's been riding him about falling asleep today when he was supposed to be covering you," she explained. "He's taking it pretty hard."
"I wasn't too wild about it myself," I commented bitterly. "It's a bad feeling to realize that we really were alone out there. If anything had gone wrong, we would have been cut to shreds while placidly waiting for our expert bowman to intercede!"
"I know." Tanda's voice was almost too soft to be heard. "And I don't blame you for feeling like that. In a way, I blame myself."
"Yourself?" I blinked. "Why?"
"I vouched for him, Skeeve," she whispered. "Don't you remember?"
"Well, sure," I admitted. "But you couldn't have known-"
"But I should have," she interrupted bitterly. "I should have realized how old he is now. He shouldn't be here, Skeeve. That's why I wanted to talk to you about doing something."
"Me?" I asked, genuinely startled. "What do you want me to do?"
"Send him back," Tanda urged. "It isn't fair to you to endanger your mission because of him, and it isn't fair to Ajax to put him in a spot like this."
"That isn't, what I meant," I murmured, shaking my head. "I meant why are you talking to me? Aahz is the one-you have to convince."
"That's where you're wrong, Skeeve," she corrected. "Aahz isn't leading this group, you are."
"Because of what he said back on Deva?" I smiled. "C'mon, Tanda. You know Aahz. He was just a little miffed. You noticed he's called all the shots so far."
The moonlight glistened in Tanda's hair as she shook her head.
"I do know Aahz, Skeeve. Better than you do," she said. "He's a stickler for chain of command. If he says you're the leader, you're the leader."
"But-"
"Besides," she continued over my protest, "Aahz is only one member of the team. What's important is all the others are counting on you, too. On you, not on Aahz. You hired 'em, and as far as they're concerned, you're the boss."
The frightening thing was she was right. I hadn't really stopped to think about it, but everything she said was true. I had just been too busy with my own worries to reflect on it. Now that I realized the full extent of my responsibilities, a new wave of doubts assaulted me. I wasn't even that sure of myself as a magician, and as a leader of men ....
"I'll have to think about it," I stalled.
"You don't have much time," she pointed out. "You've got a war scheduled to start tomorrow."
There was a crackling in the brush to our left, interrupting our conversation.
"Boss?" came Brockhurst's soft hail. "Are you busy?"
"Sort of," I called back.
"Well, this will only take a minute."
Before I could reply, two shadows detached themselves from the brush and drew closer. One was Brockhurst, the other was Gus. I should have known from the noise that the gargoyle was accompanying Brockhurst. Like Tanda, the Imp could move like a ghost.
"We were just talking about Ajax," Brockhurst informed me, squatting down to join our conference.
The gargoyle followed suit.
"Yeah," Gus confirmed. "The three of us wanted to make a suggestion to you."
"Right," Brockhurst nodded. "Gus and me and the Gremlin."
"The Gremlin?" I asked.
The Imp craned his neck to peer around him.
"He must have stayed back at camp," he shrugged.
"About Ajax," Tanda prompted.
"We think you should pull him from the team," Gus announced. "Send him back to Deva and out of the line of fire."
"It's not for us," Brockhurst hastened to clarify. "It's for him. He's a nice old guy, and we'd hate to see anything happen to him."
"He is pretty old," I murmured.
"Old!" Gus exclaimed. "Boss, the Gremlin says he's tailed him for over two hundred years . . . two hundred! According to him, Ajax was old when their paths first crossed. It won't kill him to miss this one war, but it might kill him to fight in it."
"Why is the Gremlin tailing him, anyway?" I asked.
"I've told you before, kid," a voice boomed in my ear, "gremlins don't exist."
With that pronouncement, Aahz sank down at my side, between me and Tanda. As I attempted to restore my heartbeat to normal, it occurred to me I knew an awful lot of light-footed people.
"Hi, Aahz," I said, forcing a smile. "We were just talking about-"
"I know, I heard," Aahz interrupted. "And for a change I agree."
"You do?" I blinked.
"Sure," he yawned. "It's a clear-cut breach of contract. He hired out his services as a bowman, and the first assignment you give him, he literally lies down on the job."
Actually, it had been the second assignment. I had a sudden flash recollection of Ajax drawing and firing in a smooth, fluid motion, cutting down a signal standard so distant it was barely visible.
"My advice would be to send him back," Aahz was saying. "If you want to soothe your conscience, give him partial payment and a good recommendation, but the way he is, he's no good to anybody."
Perhaps it was because of Tanda's lecture, but I was suddenly aware that Aahz had specifically stated his suggestion as "advice," not an order.
"Heads up, boss," Brockhurst murmured. "We've got company."
Following his gaze, I saw Ajax stumbling toward us, his ghostlike paleness flickering in the darkness like . . . well, like a ghost. It occurred to me that what had started out as a moment of solitude was becoming awfully crowded.
"Evenin', youngster," he saluted. "Didn't mean to interrupt nothin! Didn't know you folks was havin' a meetin'."
"We . . . ah . . . we were just talking," I explained, suddenly embarrassed.
"I kin guess about what, too," Ajax sighed. "Well, I was goin' to do this private-like, but I suppose the rest o' you might as well hear it, too."
"Do what, Ajax?" I asked.
"Resign," he said. "Seems to me to be the only decent thing to do after what happened today."
"It could have happened to anyone," I shrugged.
"Nice of you to say so, youngster," Ajax smiled, "but I kin see the handwriting on the wall. I'm just too old to be any good to anybody anymore. 'Bout time I admitted it to myself."
I found myself noticing the droop in his shoulders and a listlessness that hadn't been there when we first met on Deva.
"Don't fret about payin' me," Ajax continued. "I didn't do nothin', so I figger you don't owe me nothin'. If somebody'll just blip me back to Deva, I'll get outta your way and let you fight your war the way it should be fought."
"Well, Ajax," Aahz sighed, rising to his feet and extending his hand. "We're going to miss you."
"Just a minute!" I found myself saying in a cold voice. "Are you trying to tell me you're breaking our contract?"
Ajax's head came up with a snap.
"I expected better from a genuine Archer," I concluded.
"I wouldn't call it a breach of contract, youngster," the old bowman corrected me carefully. "More like a termination by mutual consent. I'm jes' too old-"
"Old?" I interrupted. "I knew you were old when I hired you. I knew you were old when I planned my strategy for tomorrow's fight around that bow of yours. I knew you were old, Ajax, but I didn't know you were a coward!"
There was a sharp intake of breath somewhere nearby, but 1 didn't see who it was. My attention was focused on Ajax. It was no longer a defeated, drooping old man, but a proud, angry warrior who loomed suddenly over me.
"Sonny," he growled, "I know I'm old, 'cause in my younger days I would have killed you for sayin' that. 1 never ran from a fight in my life, and 1 never broke a contract. If you got some shootin' fer me to do tomorrow, I'll do it. Then maybe you'll see what havin' a genuine Archer on your side is all about!"
With that, he spun on his heel and stalked off into the darkness.
It had been a calculated risk, but I still found I was covered with cold sweat from facing the old man's anger. I also realized the rest of the group was staring at me in silent expectation.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I did that," I said, smiling.
I had hoped for a response, but the silence continued.
"I appreciate all your advice, and hope you continue to give it in the future. But I'm leading this force, and the final decisions have to be mine."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aahz cock his eyebrow, but I ignored him.
"Everyone, including Ajax, said if I let him go, if I sent him back to Deva, there would be no harm done. I disagree. It would have taken away the one thing the years have left untouched . . . his pride. It would have confirmed to him his worst -fears, that he's become a useless old man."
I scanned my audience. Not one of them could meet my eye.
"So he might get killed. So what? He's accepted that risk in every war he's fought in. I'd rather order him into a fight knowing for certain he'd be killed than condemn him to a living death as a washed-up has-been. This way, he has a chance, and as his employer, I feel I owe him that chance."
I paused for breath. They were looking at me again, hanging on my next words.
"One more thing," I snarled. "I don't want to hear any more talk about him being useless. That old man still handles a bow better than anyone I've ever seen. If I can't find a way to use him effectively, then it's my fault as a tactician, not his! I've got my shortcomings, but I'm not going to blame them on Ajax any more than I'd blame them on any of you."
Silence reigned again, but I didn't care. I had, spoken my piece, and felt no compulsion to blather on aimlessly just to fill the void.
"Well, boss" -Brockhurst cleared his throat getting to his feet-"I think I'll turn in now."
"Me, too," echoed Gus, also rising.
"Just one thing." The Imp paused and met my gaze squarely. "For the record, it's a real pleasure working for you."
The gargoyle nodded his agreement, and the two of them faded into the brush.
There was a soft kiss on my cheek, but by the time I turned my head, Tanda had disappeared.
"You know, kid," Aahz said, "you're going to make a pretty good leader someday."
"Thanks, Aahz," I blinked.
". . . if you live that long," my mentor concluded.
We sat side by side in silence for a while longer. Gleep had apparently dozed off, for he was snoring softly as I continued petting him.
"If it isn't prying," Aahz asked finally, "what is this master plan you have for tomorrow that's built around Ajax?"
I sighed and closed my eyes.
"I haven't got one," I admitted. "I was kind of hoping you'd have a few ideas."
"I was afraid you were going to say that," Aahz grumbled.
"What if they gave a war and only one side came-"
-LUCIFER
"Wake up, kid!"
I returned to consciousness as I was being forcefully propelled sideways along the forest floor, presumably assisted by the ready toe of my mentor.
After I had slid to a stop, I exerted most of my energy and raised my head.
"Aahz," I announced solemnly, "as leader of this team, I have reached another decision. In the future, I want Tanda to wake me up."
"Not a chance," Aahz leered. "She's off scouting our right flank. It's me or the dragon."
Great choice. I suddenly realized how bright it was.
"Hey!" I blinked. "How late is it?"
"Figure we've got about a minute before things start popping," Aahz said casually.
"How long?" I gasped.
Aahz's brow furrowed for a moment as he reflected on his words. Klahdish units of time still gave him a bit of trouble.
"An hour!" he smiled triumphantly. "That's it. An hour."
"That's better," I sighed, sinking back to a horizontal position.
"On your feet, kid!" Aahz ordered. "We let you sleep as late as we could, but now you're needed to review the troops."
"Have you briefed everybody?" I yawned, sitting up. "Is the plan clear?"
"As clear as it's going to be, all things considered," Aahz shrugged.
"Okay," I responded, rolling to my feet. "Let's go. You can fill me in on any new developments along the way."
Aahz and I had been up most of the night formulating today's plan, and I found I was actually eager to see it implemented.
"You should be thankful you aren't on the other side," Aahz chortled as we moved to join the others. "Old Claude's been making the most of the time we gave him."
"Keeping them busy, is he?" I smiled.
"Since sunup," Aahz confirmed smugly. "Drilling, sharpening swords, never a dull moment in the Empire's army, that's for sure."
I wasn't sure I shared Aahz's enthusiasm for the enemy's spending lots of time sharpening their swords. Fortunately, I was spared the discomfort of replying as Gus lumbered up to us.
"You just missed Brockhurst's report," he informed us. "Still nothing on the left flank."
"Wouldn't we be able to tell from their signals if they were moving up additional support?" I asked.
"If you believe their signals," Aahz countered. "It wouldn't be the first time an army figured out the enemy had broken their code and started sending misleading messages."
"Oh," I said wisely.
"Speaking of signals," Aahz said with a grin, "you know the messages they were sending yesterday? The ones that went `encountered minor resistance'?"
"I remember," I nodded.
"Well, it seems Claude has decided he needs to up the ante if he's going to get a promotion out of this. Overnight we've become `armed opposition . . . must be subdued forcefully!' Neat, huh?"
I swallowed hard.
"Does that mean they'll be moving in reinforcements? '/'I asked, trying to sound casual.
"Not a chance, kid." Aahz winked. "Claude there has turned down every offer of assistance that came down the line. He keeps insisting he can handle it with the company he's commanding."
"I'd say he's got his neck way, way out," Gus commented.
". . . and we're just the ones to chop it off for him," Aahz finished.
"Where's Ajax?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Down at the forest line picking out his firing point," Gus replied. "Don't worry, boss. He's awake."
Actually, that wasn't my worry concerning Ajax at all. In my mind's eye, I could still see his angry stance when I called him a coward the night before.
"Mornin', youngster," the bowman hailed, emerging from the bush. "Think I got us a place all picked out."
"Hi, Ajax," I replied. "Say . . . um . . . when you get a minute, I'd like to talk to you about last night."
"Think nothin' of it," Ajax assured me with a grin. "I've plum fergot about it already."
There was a glint in his eye that contradicted his words, but if he was willing to pretend nothing had happened, I'd go along with it for now.
"I hate to interrupt," Aahz interrupted, "but I think friend Claude's just about ready to make his move."
Sure enough, the distant encampment was lining up in a marching formation. The hand-drawn wagons were packed and aligned, with the escort troops arrayed to the front and sides. The signal tower, despite its appearance, was apparently also portable and was being pushed along at the rear of the formation by several sweating soldiers.
"Late!" Ajax sneered. "I tell ya, youngster, armies are the same in any dimension."
"Okay, kid," Aahz said briskly. "Do your stuff. It's about time we got into position."
I nodded and closed my eyes for concentration. With a few strokes of my mental paintbrush, I altered Gus's features until the gargoyle was the mirror image of myself.
"Pretty good," Ajax commented critically, looking from Gus to me and back again.
I repeated the process, returning Aahz to his "dubious character" disguise.
"Well, we're off," Aahz waved. "Confusion to the enemy!"
Today's plan called for Gus substituting for me. The logic was that should anything go wrong, his stone flesh would not only keep him from harm, but also serve as a shield to defend Aahz.
Somehow it didn't seem right to me, to remain behind in relative safety while sending someone else to take my risks for me. It occurred to me that perhaps I had called the wrong person "coward" last night when speaking with Ajax.
The bowman seemed to accept the arrangement without question, however.
"Follow me, youngster," he cackled. "I don't want to miss any of this!"
With that, he turned and plunged into the brush, leaving me little choice but to trail along behind.
Fortunately, Ajax's chosen vantage point wasn't far. Old or not, I found he set a wicked pace.
Stringing his bow, he crouched and waited, chuckling softly in anticipation.
Settling in beside him, I took a moment to check the energy lines, the invisible streams of energy magicians draw their power from. There were two strong lines nearby, one air, one ground, which was good. While Aahz had taught me how to store the energies internally, with the amount of action scheduled for the day, I wanted all the power I could get.
We could see Aahz and Gus striding with great dignity toward the selected combat point. The opposing force watched them in frozen silence as they took their places.
For a moment, everyone stood in tableau.
Then Claude turned to his force and barked out an order. Immediately a half dozen archers broke from the formation and fanned out on either side of the wagons. Moving with slow deliberation, they each drew and cocked an arrow, then leveled the bows at the two figures blocking the company's progress.
I concentrated my energies.
Claude shouted something at our comrades. They remained motionless.
I concentrated.
The bowmen loosed their missiles. Gus threw up one hand dramatically.
The arrows stopped in mid-air and fell to the ground.
The bowmen looked at each other in amazement. Claude barked another order at them. They shakily drew and fired another barrage.
This one was more ragged than the first, but I managed to stop it as well.
"Nice work, youngster," Ajax exclaimed gleefully. "That's got 'em going."
Sure enough, the neat ranks of soldiers were rippling as the men muttered back and forth among themselves. Claude noted it, too, and ordered his bowmen back into the ranks.
Round one to us!
My elation was short-lived, though. The soldiers were drawing their swords now. The two groups assigned to guarding the sides of the wagon pivoted forward, forming two wings ready to engulf our teammates. As further evidence of Claude's nervousness, he even had the troops assigned to pulling the wagons leave their posts and move up to reinforce the center of his line.
That's what we were waiting for.
"Now, Ajax!" I hissed. "Arch 'em high."
"I remember, youngster," the archer grinned. "I'm ready when you are."
I waited until he raised his bow, then concentrated an intense beam of energy at a point a few inches in front of his bow.
It was like the candle-lighting exercise, and it worked as well now as it had when we had tried it last night.
As each shaft sped from Ajax's bow, it burst into flames and continued on its flight.
Again and again with incredible speed the bowman sent his missiles hissing through my ignition point. It required all my concentration to maintain the necessary stream of energy, moving it occasionally as his point of aim changed.
Finally, he dropped his bow back to his side.
"That oughta do it, youngster," he grinned. "Take a look."
I did. There in the distance, behind the soldiers' lines, thin plumes of smoke were rising from the wagons. In a few moments, Claude's supply company would be without supplies.
If we had a few moments! As we watched, the men began to advance on Aahz and Gus, their swords gleaming in the sun.
"Think we'd better do something about that!" Ajax muttered, raising his bow again.
"Wait a second, Ajax!" I ordered, squinting at the distant figures.
There had been a brief consultation between Aahz and Gus, then the gargoyle stepped back and began gesturing wildly at his companion.
It took me a moment, but I finally got the message. With a smile, I closed my eyes and removed Aahz's disguise.
Pandemonium reigned. The soldiers in the front ranks took one look at the demon opposing them and stampeded for the rear, half trampling the men behind them. As word spread through the formation, it became a rout, though I seriously doubt those in the rear knew what they were running from.
If anyone noticed the burning wagons, they didn't slow once.
"Whooee!" Ajax exclaimed, thumping me on the back. "That did it. Look at 'em run. You'd think those fellers never seed a Pervert before."
"They probably haven't," I commented, trying to massage some feeling back into my shoulder.
"You know," the bowman drawled, squinting at the scene below, "I got me an idea. Them fellers ran off so fast they fergot to signal to anybody. Think we should do it for 'em?"
"How?" I asked.
"Well," he grinned. "I know the signals, and you're a magician. If I told you what signal to run up, could you do it? Without anybody holdin' it?"
"Sure could," I agreed. "What'll we need for the signal?"
"Lemme think," he frowned. "We'll have to get a skull, and a couple of pieces of red cloth, and a black ball, an-"
"Wait a minute, Ajax," I said, holding up a hand. "I think there's an easier signal they'll understand. Watch this."
I sent one more blast of energy out, and the tower platform burst into flames.
"Think they'll get the message?" I smiled.
Ajax stared at the burning tower for a moment.
"Yer pretty good at that, youngster," he murmured finally. "Throwin' fire that far."
"Well," I began modestly, "we magicians can-"
" 'Course," he continued. "If you can do that, then you didn't really need me and Blackie to handle those wagons, did you?"
Too late I realized my mistake.
"Ajax, I-"
"Kinda strange, you goin' to all that trouble jes' to convince me I'm not useless."
"You're not useless," I barked. "Just because sometimes you're not necessary doesn't mean you're useless. I may be young, but I'm old enough to know that."
Ajax regarded me for a moment, then he suddenly smiled.
"Danged if you aren't right, youngster . . . Skeeve," he laughed. "Guess I knew it, but plum fergot it there fer a while. Let's go get some wine from that cask strapped to your dragon. I'd like to thank you proper fer remindin' me."
We headed back to camp together.
"Chain of command is the backbone of military structure and must be strictly obeyed."
-F. CHRISTIAN
The mood back at the camp was understandably celebratory. If I had had any hopes for joining in the festivities, however, they were dashed when Aahz hailed me.
"Over here, kid!" he waved. "We've got some planning to do!"
"That's the other side o' bein' a general, youngster," Ajax murmured sympathetically. " 'T'aint all speeches and glory. You go on ahead. I'll do my drinkin' with the boys."
With a jerk of his head, he indicated Gus and Brockhurst who were already at the wine. Tanda was waiting for me with Aahz. That made my choice a little easier.
"Okay, Ajax," I smiled. "I'll catch up with you in a little bit."
"Congratulations, handsome!" Tanda winked as I joined them. "That was as neat a bit of work as I've seen in a long time."
"Thanks, Tanda," I blushed.
"I see you and Ajax are on speaking terms again," Aahz said, regarding me with cocked eyebrows. "That's not a bad trick in itself. How did you do it?"
"We . . . um . . . we had a long talk," I replied vaguely. "You said we had some planning to do?"
"More like a briefing," Aahz admitted. "Tanda here brought along a few special effects items I think you should know about."
I had completely forgotten about Tanda's errand which had left me alone at the Bazaar. Now that I had been reminded, my curiosity soared.
"Whatcha got, Tanda?" I asked eagerly.
"Nothing spectacular," she shrugged. "Knowing Aahz was involved, I figured we'd be on a tight budget so I stuck to the basics."
"Just show him, huh?" Aahz growled. "Spare us the editorial comments."
She stuck her tongue out at him but produced a small cloth sack from her belt.
"First off," she began, "I thought we could use a little flash powder. It never fails to impress the yokels."
"Flash powder," I said carefully.
"You set fire to it," Aahz supplied. "It burns fast and gives you a cloud of smoke."
"I've got about a dozen small bags of it here," Tanda continued, showing me the contents of her sack. "Various colors and sizes."
"Can I try one?" I asked. "I've never worked with this stuff before."
"Sure," Tanda said. She grinned, extending the sack. "They're yours to use as you see fit. You might as well know what you've got."
I took the sack and carefully selected one of the small bags from its interior.
"Better toss it to the ground, kid," Aahz cautioned. "Some folks can set it off in their hand, but that takes practice. If you tried it that way now, you'd probably lose a few fingers."
I'd obediently tossed the bag on the ground a few feet away. Watching it curiously, I focused a quick burst of energy on it.
There was a bright flash of light accompanied by a soft pop. Blinking my eyes, I looked at where the bag had been. A small cloud of green smoke hung in the air, slowly dissipating in the breeze.
"That's neat!" I exclaimed, reaching into the sack again.
"Take it easy," Aahz warned. "We don't have that much of the stuff."
"Oh! Right, Aahz," I replied, feeling a little sheepish. "What else do you have, Tanda?"
"Well," she said, smiling, "I guess this would be a piece-de-resistance."
As she spoke, she seemed to draw something from behind her back. I say "seemed" because I couldn't see anything. From her movements, she looked to be holding a rod about three feet long, but there was nothing in her grasp.
"What is it?" I asked politely.
For a response, she grinned and held whatever it was in front of her. Then she opened her grip and disappeared into thin air.
"Invisibility," Aahz exclaimed. "A cloak of invisibility!"
"Couldn't afford one," came Tanda's voice from somewhere in front of us. "I had to settle for one of these."
What "one of these" was, it turned out, was a sheet of invisibility. It was a sheet of stiff material about three feet by seven feet. Tanda had been carrying it rolled up in a tube, and her disappearance had been caused by the sheet unrolling to its full size.
As she and Aahz chatted excitedly about her new find, I had an opportunity to further my knowledge in the field of invisibility.
Invisible sheets, it seems, were made of roughly the same material as invisible cloaks. Since the sheets were carried, not worn, they did not require the flexibility and softness necessary for a cloak. Consequently, they were considerably cheaper than the cloaks.
The effect was sort of like one-way glass. When you were on the right side of an invisible sheet, you could see through it perfectly well to observe whatever or whoever was on the other side. They, however, could not see you.
We were still discussing the potential uses of the new tool when Brockhurst hastened up to our group.
"Hey, boss!" he called. "We've got company!"
"Who? Where?" I asked calmly.
"Down on the meadow," the Imp responded, pointing. "The Gremlin says there's some kind of group forming out there."
"What Gremlin?" Aahz snarled.
"C'mon, Aahz," Tanda called, starting off. "Let's check this out."
There was indeed a group on the meadow, Empire soldiers all. The puzzling thing was their activity, or specifically their lack of it. They seemed to be simply standing and waiting for something.
"What are they doing, Aahz?" I whispered as we studied the group form the concealment of the tree line.
"They're standing and waiting," Aahz supplied.
"I can see that," I said. "But what are they waiting for?"
"Probably for us," my mentor replied.
"For us?" I blinked. "Why?"
"For a war council," Aahz grinned. "Look at it, kid.. Aren't they doing the same thing we did when we wanted to talk? They're even standing in the same spot."
I restudied the group in this light. Aahz was right! The enemy was calling for a war council!
"Do you think we should go out there?" I asked nervously.
"Sure," Aahz replied. "But not right away. Let 'em sweat a little. They kept us waiting the first time, remember?"
It was nearly half an hour before we stepped from the tree line and advanced across the meadow to where the soldiers stood waiting. I had taken the precaution of outfitting Aahz in his "dubious character" disguise for the conference. Myself, I was bearing the invisibility sheet before me, so that though I was walking along beside Aahz, to the soldiers it appeared he was alone.
There were more soldiers at the meeting point than there had been at our first meeting with Claude. Even to my untrained eye, it was apparent that there were more than half a dozen officers present among the honor guard.
"You wish a meeting?" Aahz asked haughtily, drawing to a halt before the group.
There was a ripple of quick consultation among the soldiers. Finally one of them, apparently the leader, stepped forward.
"We wish to speak with your master!" he announced formally.
"He's kinda busy right now," Aahz yawned. "Anything I can help you with?"
The leader reddened slightly.
"I am the commander of this sector!" he barked. "I demand to see Skeeve, commander of the defense, not his lacky!"
I dropped one of the bags of flash powder on the ground at my feet.
"If you insist," Aahz growled, "I'll get him. But he won't be happy."
"I'm not here to make him happy," the leader shouted. "Now be off with you."
"That won't be necessary," Aahz leered. "He's a magician. He hears and sees what his servants hear and see. He'll be along."
That was my cue. I let drop the sheet of invisibility and simultaneously ignited the bag of flash powder.
The results were spectacular.
The soldiers, with the exception of the leader, fell back several steps. To them, it looked as if I had suddenly appeared from thin air, materializing in a cloud of red smoke.
For me, the effect was less impressive: As the bag of flash powder went off, it was made apparent to me that watching a cloud of smoke from a distance was markedly different from standing at ground zero.
As I was enveloped in the scarlet billows, my feeling was not of elated triumph but rather a nearly overwhelming desire to cough and sneeze.
My efforts to suppress my reactions caused me to contort my features to the point where I must have borne more than a faint resemblance to Gus.
"Steady, Master!" Aahz cautioned.
"Aahz. Ah!" I gasped.
"Do not let your anger overcome your reason," my mentor continued hastily. "They don't know the powers they trifle with."
"I . . . I did not wish to be disturbed," I managed at last, regaining my breath as the smoke dissipated.
The leader of the group had held his ground through the entire proceedings, though he looked a bit paler and less sure of himself than when he had been dealing with just Aahz.
"We . . . um . . . apologize for bothering you," he began uncertainly. "But there are certain matters requiring your immediate attention . . . specifically the war we are currently engaged in."
I eyed him carefully. He seemed to be of a different cut than Claude had been.
"I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage, sir," I said cagily. "You seem to know me, but I don't recall having met you before."
"We have not met before," the officer replied grimly. "If we had, be assured one of us would not be here currently. I know you by reputation, specifically for your recent efforts to resist the advance of our army. For myself, I am Antonio, commander of the right wing of the left flank of the Empire's army. These are my officers."
He indicated the soldiers behind him with a vague wave of his hand. The men responded by drawing themselves more erect and thrusting out their chins arrogantly.
I acknowledged them with a slight nod.
"Where is Claude?" I asked casually. "I was under the impression he was an officer of this sector."
"You are correct," Antonio smirked. "He was. He is currently being detained until he can be properly court-martialed . . . for incompetence!"
"Incompetence?" I echoed. "Come now, sir. Aren't you being a little harsh? While Claude may have overstepped his abilities a bit, I wouldn't say he's incompetent. I mean, after all, he was dealing with supernatural powers, if you know what I mean."
As I spoke, I wiggled my fingers dramatically at Aahz and removed his disguise.
The jaws of the attending officers dropped, ruining their arrogant jut. Then Aahz grinned at them, and their mouths clicked shut in unison as they swallowed hard.
Antonio was unimpressed.
"Yes, yes," he said briskly, waving a hand as if at an annoying fly. "We have had reports, many reports, as to your rapport with demons. Claude's incompetence is in his disastrous underestimation of the forces opposing him. Be assured, I will not be guilty of the same error."
"Don't count on it, Tony," Aahz leered. "We demons can be a pretty tricky lot.
The officer ignored him.
"However, we are not here for idle pleasantries," he said, fixing me with a stern gaze. "I believe we have a dispute to settle concerning right of passage
over this particular piece of terrain."
"We have a dispute concerning your right of passage over the kingdom of Possiltum," I corrected.
"Yes, yes," Antonio yawned. "Of course, if you want to stop us from gaining Possiltum, you had best stop us here."
"That's about how we had it figured," Aahz agreed.
"Not to belabor the point, Antonio," I smiled, "but I believe we do have you stopped."
"Temporarily," the officer smiled. "I expect that situation to change shortly . . . shall we say, a few hours after dawn? Tomorrow?"
"We'll be here," Aahz nodded.
"Just a moment," I interrupted. "Antonio, you strike me as being a sporting man. Would you like to make our encounter tomorrow a little more interesting? Say, with a little side wager?"
"Such as what?" the officer scowled.
"If you lose tomorrow," I said carefully, "will you admit Claude's defeat had nothing to do with incompetence and drop the charges against him?"
Antonio thought for a moment, then nodded.
"Done," he said. "Normally I would fear what the reaction of my superiors would be, but I am confident of my victory. There are things even a demon cannot stand against."
"Such as?" Aahz drawled.
"You will see," the officer smiled. "Tomorrow."
With that,, he spun on his heel and marched off, his officers trailing behind him.
"What do you think, Aahz?" I murmured.
"Think?" my mentor scowled. "I think you're going soft, kid. First Brockhurst, now Claude. What is this `be kind to enemies' kick you're on?"
"I meant about tomorrow," I clarified quickly.
"I dunno, kid," Aahz admitted. "He sounded too confident for comfort. I wish I knew what he's got up his sleeve that's supposed to stop demons."
"Well," I sighed, "I guess we'll see tomorrow."
"It takes a giant to fight a giant."
-H. PRYM
OUR pensiveness was still with us the next day.
Our opponents were definitely up to something, but we couldn't tell exactly what it was. Tanda and Brockhurst had headed out on a scouting trip during the night and had brought back puzzling news. The Empire's soldiers had brought up some kind of heavy equipment, but it was hidden from sight by a huge box. All our scouts could say for sure was that whatever the secret weapon was, it was big and it was heavy.
Gus offered to fly over the box to take a quick peek inside, but we vetoed the idea. With the box constantly in the center of a mass of soldiers, there was no way the gargoyle could carry out his mission unobserved. Even if he used the invisibility sheet, the army was so far flung that someone would see him. So far we had kept the gargoyle's presence on our team as a secret, and we preferred to keep it that way. Even if we disguised him as Aahz or myself, it would betray the fact that someone in our party was able to fly. As Aahz pointed out, it looked as if this campaign would be rough enough without giving the opposition advance warning of the extent of our abilities.
This was all tactically sound and irrefutably logical. Nonetheless, it did nothing to reassure me as Aahz and I stood waiting for Antonio to make his opening gambit.
"Relax, kid," Aahz murmured. "You look nervous."
"I am nervous," I snapped back. "We're standing out here waiting to fight, and we don't know who or what we're supposed to be fighting. You'll forgive me if that makes me a trifle edgy."
I was aware I was being unnecessarily harsh on my mentor. Ajax and Gus were standing by, and Brockhurst and Tanda were watching for any new developments. The only team member unaccounted for this morning was the Gremlin, but I thought it wisest not to bring this to Aahz's attention. I assumed our elusive blue friend was off somewhere with Gleep, as my pet was also missing.
Everything that could have been done in preparation had been done. However, I still felt uneasy.
"Look at it this way, kid," Aahz tried again. "At least we know what we aren't up against."
What we weren't dealing with was soldiers. Though a large number of them were gathered in the near vicinity, there seemed to be no effort being made to organize or arm them for battle. As the appointed time drew near, it became more and more apparent that they were to be spectators only in the upcoming fray.
"I think I'd rather deal with soldiers," I said glumly.
"Heads up, kid," Aahz retorted, nudging me with his elbow. "Whatever's going to happen is about to.
I knew what he meant, which bothered me. There was no time to ponder it, however. Antonio had just put in his appearance.
He strolled around one corner of the mammoth box deep in conversation with a suspicious-looking character in a hooded cloak. He shot a glance in our direction, smiled, and waved merrily.
We didn't wave back.
"I don't like the looks of this, kid," Aahz growled.
I didn't either, but there wasn't much we could do except wait. Antonio finished his conversation with the stranger and stepped back, folding his arms across his chest. The stranger waved some of the onlooking soldiers aside, then stepped back himself. Drawing himself up, he began weaving his hands back and forth in a puzzling manner. Then the wind carried the sound to me and I realized he was chanting.
"Aahz!" I gasped. "They've got their own magician."
"I know," Aahz grinned back. "But from what I can hear he's bluffing them the same way you bluffed the court back at Possiltum. He probably doesn't have any more powers than I do."
No sooner had my mentor made his observation than the side of the huge box which was facing us slowly lowered itself to the ground. Revealed inside the massive container was a dragon.
The box had been big, better than thirty feet long and twenty feet high, but from the look of the dragon he must have been cramped for space inside.
He was big! I mean, really big!
Now I've never kidded myself about Gleep's size. Though his ten-foot length might look trig here on Klah, I had seen dragons on Deva that made him look small. The dragon currently facing us, however, dwarfed everything I had seen before.
He was an iridescent bluish-green his entire length, which was far more serpentine than I was accustomed to seeing in a dragon. He had massive bat wings that he stretched and flexed as he clawed his way out of the confining box. There was a silver glint from his eye sockets which would have made him look machinelike were it not for the fluid grace of his powerful limbs.
For a moment, I was almost overcome by the beautiful spectacle he presented, emerging onto the battlefield. Then he threw his head back and roared, and my admiration turned icy cold within me.
The great head turned until its eyes were focused directly on us. Then he began to stalk forward.
"Time for the better part of valor, kid," Aahz whispered, tugging at my sleeve. "Let's get out of here."
"Wait a minute, Aahz!" I shot back. "Do you see that? What the keeper's holding?"
A glint of gold in the sunlight had caught my eye. The dragon's keeper had a gold pendant clasped in his fist as he urged his beast forward.
"Yeah!" Aahz answered. "So?"
"I've seen a pendant like that before!" I explained excitedly. "That's how he's controlling the dragon!"
The Deveel who had been running the Dragon stall where I acquired Gleep had worn a pendant like that. The pendant was used to control dragons . . . unattached dragons, that is. Attached dragons can be controlled by their owner without other assistance. A dragon becomes attached to you when you feed it. That's how I got Gleep. I fed him, sort of. Actually, he helped himself to a hefty bit of my sleeve.
"Well, don't just stand there, kid," Aahz barked, interrupting my reverie. "Get it!"
I reached out with my mind and took a grab at the pendant. The keeper felt it start to go and tightened his grip on it, fighting me for its possession.
"I . . . I can't get it, Aahz," I cried. "He won't let go.
"Then hightail it outta here; kid," my mentor ordered. "Tell Ajax to bag us that keeper. Better tell Gus to stand by with Berfert just in case. I'll try to keep the dragon busy."
An image flashed in my mind. It was a view of me, Skeeve, court magician, bolting for safety while Aahz faced the dragon alone. Something snapped in my mind.
"You go!" I snapped.
"Kid, are you-"
"It's my war and my job," I shouted. "Now get going."
With that I turned to face the oncoming dragon, not knowing or caring if Aahz followed my orders. I was Skeeve!
But it was an awfully big dragon!
I tried again for the pendant, nearly lifting the keeper from his feet with my effort, but the man clung firmly to his possession, screaming orders at the dragon as he did.
I shot a nervous glance at the grim behemoth bearing down on me. If I tried to levitate out of the way, he could just ....
"Look out, kid!" came Aahz's voice from behind me.
I half turned, then something barreled past me, positioning itself between me and the oncoming menace.
It was Gleep!
"Gleep!" I shouted. "Get back here!"
My pet paid me no mind. His master was being threatened, and he meant to have a hand in this no matter what I said.
No longer a docile, playful companion, he planted himself between me and the monster, lowered his head to the ground, and hissed savagely, a six-foot tongue of flame leaping from his mouth as he did.
The effect on the big dragon was astonishing. He lurched to a stop and sat back on his haunches, cocking his head curiously at the mini-dragon blocking his path.
Gleep was not content with stopping his opponent, however. Heedless of the fact that the other dragon was over four times his size he began to advance stiffly, challenging his rival's right to the field.
The large dragon blinked, then shot a look behind him. Then he looked down on Gleep again, drawing his head back until his long neck formed a huge question mark.
Gleep continued to advance.
I couldn't understand it. Even if the monster couldn't flame, Which was doubtful, it was obvious he had the sheer physical power to crush my pet with minimal effort. Still he did nothing, looking desperately about him almost as if he were embarrassed.
I watched in spellbound horror. It couldn't last. If nothing else, Gleep was getting too close to the giant to be ignored. Any minute now, the monster would have to react.
Finally, after a final glance at his frantic keeper, the big dragon did react. With a sigh, one of his taloned front paws lashed out horizontally in a cuff that would have caved in a building. It struck Gleep on the side of his head and sent him sprawling.
My pet was game, though, and struggled painfully to his feet, shaking his head as if to clear it.
Before he could assume his aggressive stance, however, the big dragon stretched his neck down until their heads were side by side, and he began to mutter and grumble in Gleep's ear. My dragon cocked his head as if listening, then "whuffed" in response.
As the stunned humans and nonhumans watched, the two dragons conversed in the center of the battlefield punctuating their mutterings with occasional puffs of smoke.
I tried to edge forward to get a better idea of exactly what was going on, but the big dragon turned a baleful eye on me and let loose a blast of flame which kept me at a respectful distance. Not that I was afraid, mind you; Gleep seemed to have the situation well in hand . . . or talon as the case might be. Well, I had always told Aahz that Gleep was a very talon-ted dragon.
Finally, the big dragon drew himself up, turned, and majestically left the field without a backward glance, his head impressively high. Ignoring the angry shouts of the soldiers, he returned to his box and dropped his haunches, sitting with his back to the entire proceeding.
His keeper's rage was surpassed only by Antonio's. He screamed at the keeper with purpled face and frantic gestures until the keeper angrily pulled the control pendant from around his neck, handed it to the officer, and stalked off. Antonio blinked at the pendant, then flung it to the ground and started off after the keeper.
That was all the opening I needed. Reaching out with my mind, I brought the pendant winging to my hand.
"Aahz!" I began.
"I don't believe it," my mentor mumbled to himself. "I saw it, but I still don't believe it."
"Gleep!"
My pet came racing up to my side, understandably pleased with himself.
"Hi, fella!" I cried, ignoring his breath and throwing my arms around his neck in a hug. "What happened out there, anyway?"
"Gleep!" my pet said evasively, carefully studying a cloud.
If I had expected an answer, it was clear I wasn't going to get one.
"I still don't believe it," Aahz repeated.
"Look, Aahz," I said, holding the pendant aloft. "Now we don't have to worry about that or any other dragon. We've shown a profit!"
"So we did," Aahz scowled. "But do me a favor, huh, kid?"
"What's that, Aahz?" I asked.
"If that dragon, or any dragon, wanders into our camp, don't feed it! We already have one, and that's about all my nerves can stand. Okay?"
"Sure, Aahz," I smiled.
"Gleep!" said my pet, rubbing against me for more petting, which he got.
"Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched"
-C. MATHER
Our next war council made the previous ones look small. This was only to be expected, as we were dealing with the commander of the entire left flank of the Empire's army.
Our meeting was taking place in a pavilion constructed specifically for that purpose, and the structure was packed with officers, including Claude. It seemed Antonio was true to his word, even though he himself was not currently present.
In the face of such a gathering, we had decided to show a bit more force ourselves. To that end, Tanda and Brockhurst were accompanying us, while Gleep snuffled around outside. Gus and Ajax we were still holding in reserve, while the Gremlin had not reappeared since the confrontation of dragons.
I didn't like the officer we were currently dealing with. There was something about his easy, oily manner that set me on edge. I strongly suspected he had ascended to his current position by poisoning his rivals.
"So you'd like us to surrender," he was saying thoughtfully, drumming his fingers on the table before him.
". . . or withdraw, or turn aside," I corrected. "Frankly, we don't care what you do, as long as you leave Possiltum alone."
"We've actually been considering doing just that," the commander said, leaning back in his chair to study the pavilion's canopy.
"Is that why you've been moving up additional troops all day long?" Brockhurst asked sarcastically.
"Merely an internal matter, I assure you," the commander purred. "All my officers are assembled here, and they're afraid their troops will fall to mischief if left to their own devices."
"What my colleague means," Aahz interjected, "is we find it hard to believe you're actually planning to accede to our demands."
"Why not?" the commander shrugged. "That is what you've been fighting for, isn't it? There comes a point when a commander must ask himself if it won't cost him more dearly to fight a battle than to pass it by. So far, your resistance utilizing demons and dragons has shown us this battle could be difficult indeed."
"There are more where they come from," I interjected, "should the need arise."
"So you've demonstrated," the commander smiled, waving a casual hand at Tanda and Brockhurst. "Witches and devils made an impressive addition to your force."
I deemed it unwise to point out to him that Brockhurst was an Imp, not a Deveel.
"Then you agree to bypass Possiltum?" Aahz asked bluntly.
"I agree to discuss it with my officers," the commander clarified. "All I ask is that you leave one of your . . . ah . . . assistants behind."
"What for?" I asked. I didn't like the way he was eyeing Tanda.
"To bring you word of our decision, of course," the commander shrugged. "None of my men would dare enter your camp, even granted a messenger's immunity."
There was a mocking tone to his voice I didn't like.
"I'll stay, Skeeve," Aahz volunteered.
I considered it. Aahz had demonstrated his ability to take care of himself time and time again. Still I didn't trust the commander.
"Only if you are willing to give us one of your officers in return as a hostage," I replied.
"I've already said none of-" the commander began.
"He need not enter our camp," I explained. "He can remain well outside our force, on the edge of the tree line in full view of your force. I will personally guarantee his safety."
The commander chewed his lip thoughtfully.
"Very well," he said. "Since you have shown an interest in his career, I will give you Claude to hold as a hostage."
The young officer paled but remained silent.
"Agreed," I said. "We will await your decision."
I nodded to my comrades, and they obediently began filing out of the pavilion. Claude hesitated, then joined the procession.
I wanted to tell Aahz to be careful but decided against it. It wouldn't do to admit my partner's vulnerability in front of the commander. Instead, I nodded curtly to the officers and followed my comrades.
Tanda and Brockhurst were well on their way back to the treeline. Claude, on the other hand, was waiting for me as I emerged and fell in step beside me.
"While we have a moment," he said stiffly, "I would like to thank you for interceding in my behalf with my superiors."
"Don't mention it," I mumbled absently.
"No, really," he persisted. "Chivalry to an opponent is rarely seen these days. I think-"
"Look, Claude," I growled, "credit it to my warped sense of justice. I don't like you, and didn't when we first met, but that doesn't make you incompetent. Unpleasant, perhaps, but not incompetent."
I was harsher with him than I had intended to be, but I was worried about Aahz.
Finding himself thus rebuked, he sank into an uncomfortable silence which lasted almost until we reached the trees. Then he cleared his throat and tried again.
"Um . . . Skeeve?"
"Yeah?" I retorted curtly.
"1 . . . um . . . what I was trying to say was that I am grateful and would repay your favor by any reasonable means at my disposal."
Despite my concern, his offer penetrated my mind as a potential opportunity.
"Would answering a few questions fall under the heading of `reasonable'?" I asked casually.
"Depending upon the questions," he replied carefully. "I am still a soldier, and my code of conduct clearly states-"
"Tell you what," I interrupted. "I'll ask the questions, and you decide which ones are okay to answer. Fair enough?"
"So it would seem," he admitted.
"Okay," I began. "First question. Do you think the commander will actually bypass Possiltum?"
The officer avoided my eyes for a moment, then shook his head briskly.
"I should not answer that," he said, "but I will. I do not feel the commander is even considering it as a serious possibility, nor does any officer in that tent. He is known as `the Brute,' even among his most loyal and seasoned troops. May I assure you he did not acquire that nickname by surrendering or capitulating while his force was still intact."
"Then why did he go through the motions of the meeting just now?" I queried.
"To gain time," Claude shrugged. "As your assistants noted, he is using the delay to mass his troops. The only code he adheres to is `Victory at all costs.' In this case, it seems it is costing him his honor."
I thought about this for a moment before asking my next question.
"Claude," I said carefully, "you've faced us in battle, and you know your own army. If your prediction is correct and the Brute attacks in force, in your opinion, what are our chances of victory?"
"Nil," the officer replied quietly. "I know it may sound like enemy propaganda, but I ask you to believe my sincerity. Even with the additional forces you displayed this evening, if the Brute sets the legions in motion, they'll roll right over you. Were I in your position, I would take advantage of the cover of night to slip away, and not fear the stigma of cowardice. You're facing the mightiest army ever assembled. Against such a force there is no cowardice, only self-preservation."
I believed him. The only question was what should I do with the advice.
"I thank you for your counsel," I said formally. "And will consider your words carefully. For now, if you will please remain here in the open as promised, I must consult with my troops."
"One more thing," Claude said, laying a restraining hand on my arm. "If any harm befalls your assistant, the one you left at the meeting, I would ask that you remember I was here with you and' had no part in it.
"I will remember," I nodded, withdrawing my arm. "But if the Brute tries to lay a hand on Aahz, I'll wager he'll wish he hadn't."
As I turned to seek out my team, I wished I felt as confident as I sounded.
Tanda came to me readily when I caught her eye and beckoned her away from the others.
"What is it, Skeeve?" she asked as we moved away into the shadows. "Are you worried about Aahz?"
I was, though I didn't want to admit it just yet. The night was almost gone with no signs of movement or activity from the pavilion. Still, I clung to my faith in Aahz. When that failed, I turned my mind to other exercises to distract it from fruitless worry.
"Aahz can take care of himself," I said gruffly.
"There's something else I wanted your opinion on."
"What's that?" she asked, cocking her head.
"As you know," I began pompously, "I am unable to see the disguise spells I cast. Though everyone else is fooled, as the originator of the spell, I still continue to see things in their true form."
"I didn't know that," she commented. "But continue."
"Well," I explained, "I was thinking that if we actually have to fight the army, we could use additional troops. I've got an idea, but I need you to tell me if it actually works."
"Okay," she nodded. "What is it?"
I started to resume my oration, then realized I was merely stalling. Instead, I closed my eyes and focused my mind on the small grove of trees ahead.
"Hey!" cried Tanda. "That's terrific."
I opened my eyes, being careful to maintain the spell.
"What do you see?" I asked nervously.
"A whole pack of demons . . . oops . . . I mean Perverts," she reported gaily. "Bristling with swords and spears. That's wild!"
It worked. I was correct when I guessed that my disguise spell could work on any living thing, not just men and beasts.
"I've never seen anything like it," Tanda marveled. "Can you make them move?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "I just-"
"Boss! Hey, Boss!" Brockhurst shouted, sprinting up to us. "Come quick! You'd better see this!"
"What is it?" I called, but the Imp had reversed his course and was headed for the tree line.
A sudden fear clutched at my heart.
"C'mon, Tanda," I growled and started off.
By the time we reached the tree line the whole, team was assembled there, talking excitedly among themselves.
"What is it?" I barked, joining them.
The group fell silent, avoiding my eyes. Brockhurst lifted a hand and pointed across the meadow.
There, silhouetted against a huge bonfire was Aahz, hanging by his neck from a crude gallows. His body was limp and lifeless as he rotated slowly at the end of the rope. At his feet, a group of soldiers were gathered to witness the spectacle.
Relief flooded over me, and I began to giggle hysterically. Hanging! If only they know!
Alarm showed in the faces of my team as they studied my reaction in shocked silence.
"Don't worry!" I gasped. "He's okay!"
Early in my career with Aahz, I had learned that one doesn't kill demons by hanging them. Their neck muscles are too strong! They can hang all day without being any the worse for wear. I had, of course, learned this the hard way one day when we ....
"At least they have the decency to burn the body," Claude murmured from close beside me.
My laughter died in my throat.
"What?" I cried, spinning around.
Sure enough, the soldiers had cut down Aahz's "body" and were carrying it toward the bonfire with the obvious intention of throwing it in.
Fire! That was a different story. Fire was one of the things that could kill Aahz deader than ....
"Ajax!" I cried. "Quick! Stop them from-"
It was too late.
With a heave from the soldiers, Aahz arched into the roaring flames. There was a quick burst of light, then nothing.
Gone! Aahz!
I stood staring at the bonfire in disbelief. Shock numbed me to everything else as my mind reeled at the impact of my loss.
"Skeeve!" Tanda said in my ear, laying a hand on my shoulder.
"Leave me alone!" I croaked.
"But the army. . ."
She let the word trail off, but it made its impact. Slowly I became conscious of the world around me.
The legions, having given us our answer, were massing for battle. Drums boomed, heralding the rising sun as it reflected off the polished weapons arrayed to face us.
The army. They had done this!
With deliberate slowness I turned to face Claude. He recoiled in fear from my gaze.
"Remember!" he cried desperately. "I had nothing to-"
"I remember," I replied coldly. "And for that reason only I am letting you go. I would advise, however, that you choose a path to follow other than rejoining the army. I have tried to be gentle with them, but if they insist on having war, as I am Skeeve, we shall give it to them!"
"What is this, a Chinese fire drill?"
-SUN TZU
I didn't see where Claude went after I finished speaking with him, nor did I care. I was studying the opposing army with a new eye. Up to now I had been thinking defensively, planning for survival. Now I was thinking as the aggressor.
The legions were in tight block formations, arrayed some three or four blocks deep and perhaps fifteen blocks wide. Together they presented an awesome impression of power, an irresistible force that would never retreat.
That suited me fine. In fact, I wanted a little insurance that they would not retreat.
"Ajax!" I called without turning my head.
"Here, youngster!" the bowman replied from close beside me.
"Can Blackie send your arrows out beyond those formations?"
"I reckon so," he drawled.
"Very well," I said grimly. "The same drill as the first battle, only this time don't go for the wagons. I want a half circle of fire around their rear."
As before, the bowstring set up a rhythmic "thung" as the bowman began to lose shaft after shaft. This time, however, it seemed the arrows burst into flame more readily.
"Ease off, youngster," Ajax called. "Yer burnin' em up before they reach the ground."
He was right. Either I was standing directly on a force line, or my anger had intensified my energies. Whatever the reason, I found myself with an incredible amount of power at my disposal.
"Sorry, Ajax," I shouted, and diverted a portion of my mind away from the ignition point.
"Tanda!" I called. "Run back and get Gleep!"
"Right, Skeeve," came the reply.
I had a hunch my pet might come in handy before this brawl was done.
The front row of the army's formation was beginning to advance to the rhythmic pounding of drums. I ignored them.
"Brockhurst!"
"Here, boss!" the Imp responded, stepping to my side.
"Have you spotted the commander yet?"
"Not yet," came the bitter reply. "He's probably buried back in the middle of the formation somewhere."
"Well, climb a tree or something and see if you can pinpoint him," I ordered.
"Right, boss! When I see him, do you want me to go after him?"
"No!" I replied grimly. "Report back to me. I want to handle him myself."
The front line was still advancing. I decided I'd better do something about it. With a sweep of my mind, I set fire to the meadow in front of the line's center. The blocks confronted by this barrier ground to a halt while the right and left wings continued their forward movement.
"Gleep!" came a familiar voice accompanied by an even more familiar blast of bad breath.
"We're back!" Tanda announced unnecessarily.
I ignored them and studied the situation. Plumes of white smoke rising from behind the Empire's formation indicated that Ajax was almost finished with his task. Soon, the army would find itself cut off from any retreat. It was time to start thinking about our attack. The first thing I needed was more information.
"Gus!" I said thoughtfully, "I want you to take a quick flight over their formations. See if you can find a spot to drop Berfert where he can do some proper damage."
"Right, boss," the gargoyle grunted, lumbering forward.
"Wait a minute," I said, a thought occurring to me. "Tanda, have you still got the invisibility sheet with you?"
"Right here!" she grinned.
"Good," I nodded. "Gus, take the sheet with you. Keep it in front of you as long as you can while you're checking them out. There's no sense drawing fire until you have to."
The gargoyle accepted the sheet with a shrug.
"If you say so, boss," he muttered. "But they can't do much to me."
"Use it anyway," I ordered. "Now get moving."
The gargoyle sprang heavily into the air and started across the meadow with slow sweeps of his massive wings. I found it hard to believe anything that big and made of stone could fly, but I was seeing it. Maybe he used levitation.
"All set, youngster," Ajax chortled, interrupting my thoughts. "Anything else I can do for ya?"
"Not just now, Ajax," I replied. "But stand by."
I was glad that portion of my concentration was free now. This next stunt was going to take all the energy I could muster.
I focused my mind on the grass in front of the advancing left wing. As testimony to the effectiveness of my efforts, that portion of the line ground to an immediate halt.
"Say!" Tanda breathed in genuine admiration. "That's neat."
The effect I was striving for was to have the grass form itself into an army of Imps, rising from the ground to confront the Empire's troops. I chose Imps this time instead of demons because Imps are shorter, therefore requiring less energy to maintain the illusion.
Whatever my efforts actually achieved, it was enough to have the soldiers react. After several shouted orders from their officers, the troops let fly a ragged barrage of javelins at the grass in front of them. The weapons, of course, had no effect on their phantom foe.
"Say, youngster," Ajax said, nudging me lightly. "You want me to do something about those jokers shootin' at our gargoyle?"
I turned slightly to check Gus's progress. The flying figure had passed over the center line troops, the ones my fire was holding in check. The soldiers could now see the figure behind the invisible sheet, and were reacting with enviable competence.
The archers in their formation were busy loosing their shafts at this strange figure that had suddenly appeared overhead, while their comrades did their best to reach the gargoyle with hurled javelins.
I saw all this at a glance. I also saw something else.
"Wait a minute, Ajax," I ordered. "Look at that!"
The various missiles loosed by the center line were falling to earth in the massed formations of the troops still awaiting commands. Needless to say, this was not well received, particularly as they were still unable to see the actual target of their advance force. To them, it must have appeared that by some magik or demonic possession, their allies had suddenly turned and fired on them.
Now a few blocks began to return the fire, ordering their own archers into action. Others responded by raising their shields and starting forward with drawn swords.
The result was utter chaos, as the center line troops tried to defend themselves from the attacks of their own reinforcements.
Mind -you, I hadn't planned it this way, but I was quick to capitalize on the situation. If the presence of a gargoyle could cause this kind of turmoil, I thought it would be a good idea to up the ante a little.
With a quick brush of my mind, I altered Gus's appearance. Now they had a full-grown dragon hovering over their midst. The effect was spectacular.
1, however, did not allow myself the luxury of watching. I had learned something in this brief exchange, and I wanted to try it out.
I dissolved my Imp army, then reformed them, not in front of the troops, but in their midst!
This threw the formations into total disorder. As the soldiers struck or threw at the phantom figures, more often than not they struck their comrades instead.
If this kept up, they would be too busy fighting each other to bother with us.
"Boss!" Brockhurst called, darting up to my side. "I've got the commander spotted!"
"Where?" I asked grimly, trying not to take my concentration from the battle raging in the meadow.
The Imp pointed.
Sure enough! There was the Brute, striding angrily from formation to formation, trying to restore order to his force.
I heard the telltale whisper of an arrow being drawn.
"Ajax!" I barked. "Hold your fire. He's mine . . . all mine!"
As I said this, I dissolved all the Imps in the Brute's vicinity, and instead changed the commander's features until he took on the appearance of Aahz.
The dazed soldiers saw a demon appear in their midst brandishing a sword, a demon of a type they knew could be killed. They needed no further prompting.
I had one brief glimpse of the Brute's startled face before his troops closed on him, then a forest of uniforms blotted him from my view.
"Mission accomplished, boss!" Gus announced, appearing beside me. "What next?"
"What . . . did you . . ." I stammered.
I had forgotten that on his return trip, the invisibility sheet would shield the gargoyle from our view. His sudden appearance had startled me.
"Berfert'll be along when he gets done with their siege equipment," Gus continued, waving toward the enemy.
I looked across the meadow. He was right! The heavy equipment which had been lined up behind the army was now in flames.
Then I noticed something else.
The army wasn't fighting each other anymore. I realized with a start that between settling accounts with the Brute and Gus's reappearance, I had forgotten to maintain the Imp army!
In the absence of any visible foe, the Empire troops had apparently come to their senses and were now milling about trying to reestablish their formations.
Soon now, they would be ready to attack again.
"What do we do next, boss?" Brockhurst asked eagerly.
That was a good question. I decided to stall while I tried to work out an answer.
"I'll draw you a diagram," I said confidently. "Somebody give me a sword."
"Here, kid. Use mine," Aahz replied, passing me the weapon.
"Thanks;" I said absently. "Now, this line is their main formation. If we . . . Aahz!?"
"Ready and able," my mentor grinned. "Sorry I'm late."
It was Aahz! He was standing there calmly with his arms folded as if he had been part of our group all along. The reactions of the others, however, showed that they were as surprised as I was at his appearance.
"But you . . ." I stammered. "The fire. . ."
"Oh, that," Aahz shrugged. "About the time I figured what they were doing, I used the D-Hopper to blink out to another dimension. The only trouble was I hadn't gotten around to relabeling the controls yet, and I had a heck of a time finding my way back to Klah."
Relief flooded over me like a cool wave. Aahz was alive! More important, he was here! The prospects for the battle suddenly looked much better.
"What should we do next, Aahz?" I asked eagerly.
"I don't know why you're asking me," my mentor blinked innocently. "It looks like you've been doing a fine job so far all by yourself."
Terrific! Now that I need advice, I get compliments.
"Look, Aahz," I began sternly. "We've got a battle coming up that-"
"Boss!" Brockhurst interrupted. "Something's going on out there!"
With a sinking heart, I turned and surveyed the situation again.
A new figure had appeared on the scene, an officer from the look of him. He was striding briskly along the front of the formation alternately shouting and waving his hands. Trailing along in his wake was a cluster of officers, mumbling together and shaking their hands.
"What in the world is that all about?" I murmured half to myself.
"Brace yourself, kid," Aahz advised. "If I'm hearing correctly, it's bad news."
"C'mon, Aahz," I sighed. "How could things get worse than they already are?"
"Easy," Aahz retorted. "That is the supreme commander of the Empire's army. He's here to find out what's holding up his left flank's advance."
" . . . and then 1 said to myself, `Why should I split it two ways-'"
G. MOUSER
The supreme commander's name was Big Julie, and he was completely different from what I had expected.
For one thing, when he called for a war council, he came to us. Flanked by his entire entourage of officers, he came all the way across the meadow to stand just short of the tree line, and he came unarmed. What was more, all of his officers were unarmed, presumably at his insistence.
He seemed utterly lacking in the arrogance so prevalent in the other officers we had dealt with, inviting us into the large tent he had had erected in the meadow for the meeting. Introducing him to the members of my force, I noticed he treated them with great respect and seemed genuinely pleased to meet each of them, even Gleep.
Our whole team was present for the meeting. We figured that if there was ever a time to display our power, this was it.
In a surprising show of generosity, Aahz broke out the wine and served drinks to the assemblage. I was a little suspicious of this. Aahz isn't above doctoring drinks to win a fight, but when I caught his eye and raised an eyebrow, he responded with a small shake of his head. Apparently he was playing this round straight.
Then we got down to business.
Big Julie heard us out, listening with rapt attention. When we finished, he sighed and shook his head.
"Ah'm sorry," he announced. "But I can't do it. We've got to keep advancing, you know? That's what armies do!"
"Couldn't you advance in another direction for a while?" I suggested hopefully.
"Aie!" he exclaimed, spreading his hands defensively. "What do you think I got here, geniuses? These are soldiers. They move in straight lines, know what I mean?"
"Do they have to move so vigorously?" Aahz muttered. "They don't leave much behind."
"What can I say?" Big Julie shrugged. "They're good boys. They do their job. Sometimes they get a little carried away . . . like the Brute."
I had hoped to avoid the subject of the Brute, but since it had come up, I decided to face it head on.
"Say . . . um . . . Julie," I began.
"Big Julie!" one of the officers growled out of the corner of his mouth.
"Big Julie!" I amended hastily. "About the Brute. Um . . . he was . . . well . . . I wanted. . ."
"Don't mention it," Julie waved. "You want to know the truth? You did me a favor."
"I did?" I blinked.
"I was getting a little worried about the Brute, you know what I mean?" the commander raised his eyebrows. "He was getting a little too ambitious."
"In that case . . . ." I smiled.
"Still . . ." Julie continued, "that's a bad way to go. Hacked apart by your own men. I wouldn't want that to happen to me."
"You should have fed him to the dragons," Aahz said bluntly.
"The Brute?" Julie frowned. "Fed to the dragons? Why?"
"Because then he could have been `et, too'!"
Apparently this was supposed to be funny, as Aahz erupted into sudden laughter as he frequently does at his own jokes. Tanda rolled her eyes in exasperation.
Big Julie looked vaguely puzzled. He glanced at me, and I shrugged to show I didn't know what was going on either.
"He's strange," Julie announced, stabbing an accusing finger at Aahz. "What's a nice boy like you doing hanging around with strange people? Hey?"
"It's the war," I said apologetically. "You know what they say about strange bedfellows."
"You seem to be doin' all right for yourself!" Julie winked, then leered at Tanda.
"You want I should clean up his act, Boss?" Brockhurst asked grimly, stepping forward.
"See!" Julie exploded. "That's what I mean. This is no way to learn warfare. Tell you what. Why don't you let me fix you up with a job, hey? What do you say to that?"
"What pay scale?" Aahz asked.
"Aahz!" I scowled, then turned back to Julie. "Sorry, but we've already got a job . . . defending Possiltum. I appreciate your offer, but I don't want to leave a job unfinished."
"What have I been telling you?" Julie appealed to his officers. "All the good material has been taken already. Why can't you bring me recruits like this, eh?"
This was all very flattering, but I clung tenaciously to the purpose of our meeting.
"Um . . . Jul . . . I mean, Big Julie," I continued. "About defending Possiltum. Couldn't you find another kingdom somewhere to attack? We really don't want to have to fight you."
"You don't want to fight?" Julie erupted sarcastically. "You think 1 want to fight? You think I like doing this for a living? You think my boys like killing and conquering all the time?"
"Well . . ." I began tactfully.
Big, Julie wasn't listening. He was out of his seat and pacing up and down, gesturing violently to emphasize his words.
"What kind of ding-bat wants to fight?" he asked rhetorically. "Do 1 look crazy? Do my boys look crazy? Everybody thinks we got some kind of weird drive that keeps us going. They think that all we want to do in the whole world is march around in sweaty armor and sharpen swords on other people's helmets. That's what you think too, isn't it? Eh? Isn't it?"
This last was shouted directly at me. By now I was pretty fed up with being shouted at.
"Yes!" I roared angrily. "That's what I think!"
"Well," Julie scowled. "You're wrong because-"
"That's what I think because if you didn't like doing it, you wouldn't do it!" I continued, rising to my own feet.
"Just like that!" Julie shouted sarcastically. "Just stop and walk away."
He turned and addressed his officers.
"He thinks it's easy! Do you hear that? Any of you who don't like to fight, just stop. Eh? Just like that."
A low chorus of chuckles rose from his assembled men. Despite my earlier burst of anger, I found myself starting to believe him. Incredible as it seemed, Julie and his men didn't like being soldiers!
"You think we wouldn't quit if we could?" Julie was saying to me again. "I bet there isn't a man in my whole army who wouldn't take a walk if he thought he could get away with it."
Again there was a murmur of assent from his officers.
"I don't understand," I said, shaking my head. "If you don't want to fight, and we don't want to fight, what are we doing here?"
"Did you ever hear of loan sharks?" Julie asked. "You know about organized crime?"
"Organized crime?" I blinked.
"It's like government, kid," Aahz supplied. "Only more effective."
"You'd better believe `more effective,' " Julie nodded. "That's what we're doing here! Me and the boys, we got a list of gambling debts like you wouldn't believe. We're kinda working it off, paying 'em back in land, you know what I mean?"
"You haven't answered my question," I pointed out. "Why don't you just quit?"
"Quit?" Julie seemed genuinely astonished. "You gotta be kidding. If I quit before I'm paid up, they break my leg. You know?" His wolfish grin left no doubt the thugs in question would do something a great deal more fatal and painful than just breaking a leg.
"It's the same with the boys here. Right, boys?" He indicated his officers with a wave of his hand.
Vigorous nods answered his wave.
"And you ought to see the collection agent they use. Kid, you might be a fair magician where you come from. But"-he shuddered-"this, believe me, you don't want to see."
Knowing how tough Big Julie was, I believed him.
Giving me a warm smile, he draped his arm around my shoulders.
"That's why it's really gonna break my heart to kill you. Ya know?"
"Well," I began, "you don't have to . . . KILL ME?"
"That's right," he nodded vigorously. "I knew you'd understand. A job's a job, even when you hate it.
"Whoa!" Aahz interrupted, holding one flattened hand across the top of the other to form a crude T. "Hold it! Aren't you overlooking something, Jules?"
"That's `Big Julie.' " one of the guards admonished.
"I don't care if he calls himself the Easter Bunny!" my mentor snarled. "He's still overlooking something. "
"What's that?" Julie asked.
"Us." Aahz smiled, gesturing to the team. "Aside from the minor detail that Skeeve here's a magician and not that easy to kill, he's got friends. What do you think we'll be doing while you make a try for our leader?"
The whole team edged forward a little. None of them were smiling, not even Gus. Even though they were my friends who I knew and loved, I had to admit they looked mean. I was suddenly very glad they were on my side.
Big Julie, on the other hand, seemed unimpressed.
"As a matter of fact," he smiled, "I expect you to be dying right along with your leader. That is, unless you're really good at running."
"Running from what?" Gus growled. "I still think you're overlooking something. By my count, we've got you outnumbered. Even if you were armed-"
The supreme commander cut him short with a laugh. It was a relaxed, confident laugh which no one else joined in on. Then the laugh disappeared, and he leaned forward with a fierce scowl.
"Now, I'm only gonna say this once, so alla you listen close. Big Julie didn't get where he is today by overlooking nothin'. You think I'm outnumbered? Well, maybe you'd just better count again."
Without taking his eyes from us, he waved his hand in a short, abrupt motion. At the signal, one of his guards pulled a cord and the sides of the tent fell away.
There were soldiers outside. They hadn't been there when we entered the tent, but they were there now. Hoo boy were they. Ranks and ranks of them completely surrounding the tent, the nearest barely an arm's length away. The front three rows were archers, with arrows nocked and drawn, leveled at our team.
I realized with a sudden calm clarity that I was about to die. The whole meeting had-been a trap, and it was a good one. Good enough that we would all be dead if we so much as twitched. I couldn't even kid myself that I could stop that many arrows if they were all loosed at once. Gus might survive the barrage, and maybe the others could blip away to another dimension in time to save themselves, but I was too far away from Aahz and the D-Hopper to escape.
"I . . . um . . . thought war councils were supposed to be off limits for combat." I said carefully.
"I also didn't get where I am today by playing fair," Big Julie shrugged.
"You know," Aahz drawled, "for a guy who doesn't want to fight, you run a pretty nasty war."
"What can I say?" the supreme commander asked, spreading his hands in helpless appeal. "It's a job. Believe me, if there was any other way, I'd take it. But as it is . . ."
His voice trailed off, and he began to raise his arm. I realized with horror that when his hand came down, so would the curtain.
"How much time do we have to find another way?" I asked desperately.
"You don't," Big Julie sighed.
"AND WE DON'T NEED ANY!" Aahz roared with sudden glee.
All eyes turned toward him, including my own. He was grinning broadly while listening to something the Gremlin was whispering in his ear.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the supreme commander demanded. "And where did this little blue fella come from? Eh?"
He glared at the encircling troops, who looked at each other in embarrassed confusion.
"This is a Gremlin," Aahz informed him, slipping a comradely arm around the shoulders of his confidant, "And I think he's got the answer to our problems. All our problems. You know what I mean?"
"What does he mean?" Julie scowled at me. "Do you understand what he's sayin'?"
"Tell him, Aahz," I ordered confidently, wondering all the while what possible solution my mentor could have found to this mess.
"Big Julie," Aahz smiled, "what could those loan sharks of yours do if you and your army simply disappeared?"
And so, incredibly, it was ended.
Not with fireworks or an explosion or a battle. But like a lot of things in my life, in as crazy and offhand a way as it had started.
And when it had ended, I almost wished it hadn't.
Because then I had to say good-bye to the team.
Saying good-bye to the team was harder than I would have imagined. Somehow, in all my planning, I had never stopped to consider the possibility of emerging victorious from the war.
Despite my original worries about the team, I found I had grown quite close to each of them. I would have liked to keep them around a little longer, but that would have been impossible. Our next stop was the capital, and they would be a little too much to explain away.
Besides, as Aahz pointed out, it was bad for morale to let the troops find out how much their commander was being paid, particularly when it was extremely disproportionate to their own wages.
Following his advice, I paid each of them personally. When I was done, however, I found myself strangely at a loss for words. Once again, the team came to my aid.
"Well, boss," Brockhurst sighed. "I guess this is it. Thanks for everything."
"It's been a real pleasure working for you," Gus echoed. "The money's nice, but the way I figure it, Berfert and I owe you a little extra for getting us out of that slop chute. Anytime you need a favor, look us up."
"Youngster," Ajax said, clearing his throat, "I move around a lot, so I'm not that easy to track. If you ever find yourself in a spot where you think I can lend a hand, jes' send a message to the Bazaar and I'll be along shortly."
"I didn't think you visited the Bazaar that often," I asked, surprised.
"Normally I don't," the bowman admitted. "But I will now . . . jest in case."
Tanda was tossing her coin in the air and catching it with practiced ease.
"I shouldn't take this," she sighed. "But a girl's gotta eat."
"You earned it," I insisted.
"Yea, well, I guess we'll be going," she said, beckoning to the others. "Take care of yourself, handsome."
"You will be coming back?" I asked hurriedly.
She made a face.
"I don't think so," she said wryly, "If Grimble saw us together . . ."
"I meant, ever," I clarified.
She brightened immediately.
"Sure," she winked. "You won't get rid of me that easily. Say good-bye to Aahz for me."
"Say good-bye to him yourself," Aahz growled, stepping out of the shadows.
"There you are!" Tanda grinned. "Where's the Gremlin? I thought you two were talking."
"We were," Aahz confirmed, looking around him. "I don't understand. He was here a minute ago."
"It's as if he didn't exist, isn't it, Aahz?" I suggested innocently.
"Now look, kid!" my mentor began angrily.
A chorus of laughter erupted from the team. He spun in that direction to deliver a scathing reply, but there was a blip of light and they were gone.
We stood silently together for several moments staring at the vacant space. Then Aahz slipped an arm around my shoulder.
"They were a good-team, kid," he sighed. "Now pull yourself together. Triumphant generals don't have slow leaks in the vicinity of their eyes. It's bad for the image."
"Is everybody happy?"
-MACHIAVELLI
Aahz and I entered the capital at the head of a jubilant mob of Possiltum citizens.
We were practically herded to the front of the palace by the crowd pressing us forward. The cheering was incredible. Flowers and other less identifiable objects were thrown at us or strewn in our path, making the footing uncertain enough that more than once I was afraid of falling and being trampled. The people, at least, seemed thoroughly delighted to see us. All in all, though, our triumphal procession was almost as potentially injurious to our life and limb as the war had been.
I was loving it.
I had never had a large crowd make a fuss over me before. It was nice.
"Heads up, kid," Aahz murmured, nudging me in the ribs. "Here comes the reception committee."
Sure enough, there was another procession emerging from the main gates of the palace. It was smaller than ours, but made up for what it lacked in numbers with the prestige of its members.
The king was front and center, flanked closely by Grimble and Badaxe. The chancellor was beaming with undisguised delight. The general, on the other hand, looked positively grim.
Sweeping the crowd with his eyes, Badaxe spotted several of his soldiers in our entourage. His dark expression grew even darker, boding ill for those men. I guessed he -was curious as to why they had failed to carry out his orders to stop our return.
Whatever he had in mind, it would have to wait. The king was raising his arms, and the assemblage obediently fell silent to hear what he had to say.
"Lord Magician," he began, "know that the cheers of the grateful citizens of Possiltum only echo my feelings for this service you have done us."
A fresh wave of applause answered him.
"News of your victory has spread before you," he continued. "And already our historians are recording the details of your triumph . . . as much as is known, that is."
An appreciative ripple of laughter surged through the crowd.
"While we do not pretend to comprehend the workings of your powers," the king announced, "the results speak for themselves. A mighty army of invincible warriors vanished into thin air, weapons and all. Only their armor and siege machines littering the empty battlefield mark their passing. The war is won! The threat to Possiltum is ended forever!"
At this, the crowd exploded. The air again filled with flowers and shouting shook the very walls of the palace.
The king tried to shout something more, but it was lost in the jubilant noise. Finally he shrugged and reentered the palace, pausing only for a final wave at the crowd.
I thought it was a rather cheap ploy, allowing him to cash in on our applause as if it were intended for him, but I let it go. Right now we had bigger fish to fry.
Catching the eyes of Grimble and Badaxe, I beckoned them forward.
"I've got to talk to you two," I shouted over the din.
"Shouldn't we go inside where it's quieter?" Grimble shouted back.
"We'll talk here!" I insisted.
"But the crowd . . ." the chancellor gestured.
I turned and nodded to a figure in the front row of the mob. He responded by raising his right arm in a signal. In response, the men in the forefront of the crowd locked arms and formed a circle around us, moving with near military precision. In a twinkling, there was a space cleared in the teeming populace, with the advisors, Aahz, Gleep, myself, and the man who had given the signal standing alone at its center.
"Just a moment," Badaxe rumbled, peering suspiciously at the circle. "What's going on-"
"General!" I beamed, flashing my biggest smile. "I'd like you to meet the newest citizen of Possiltum."
Holding my smile, I beckoned the mob leader forward.
"General Badaxe," I announced formally, "meet Big Julie. Big Julie, Hugh Badaxe!"
"Nice to meet you!" Julie smiled. "The boy here, he's been tellin' me all about you!"
The general blanched as he recognized the Empire's top commander.
"You!" he stammered. "But you . . . you're-"
"I hope you don't mind, General," I said smoothly. "But I've taken the liberty of offering Big Julie a job . . . as your military consultant."
"Military consultant?" Badaxe echoed suspiciously.
"What's the matter," Julie scowled. "Don't you think I can do it?"
"It's not that," the general clarified hastily. "It's just that . . . well-"
"One thing we neglected to mention, General," Aahz interrupted. "Big Julie here is retiring from active duty. He's more than willing to leave the running of Possiltum's army to you, and agrees to give advice only when asked."
"That's right!" Julie beamed. "I just wanna sit in the sun, drink a little wine, maybe pat a few bottoms, you know what I mean?"
"But the king. . ." Badaxe stammered.
". . . . doesn't have to be bothered with it at all," Aahz purred. "Unless, of course, you deem it necessary to tell him where your new battle plans are coming from."
"Hmm," the general said thoughtfully. "You sure you'd be happy with things that way, Julie?"
"Positive!" Julie nodded firmly. "I don't want any glory, no responsibility, and no credit. I had too much of that when I was workin' for the Empire, you know what I mean? Me and the boys talked it over, and we decided-"
"The boys?" Badaxe interrupted, frowning.
"Um . . . that's another thing we forgot to mention, General," I smiled. "Big Julie isn't the only new addition to Possiltum's citizenry."
I jerked my head at the circle of men holding back the crowd.
The general blinked at the men, then swiveled his head around noting how many more like them were scattered through the crowd. He blanched as it became clear to him both where the Empire's army had disappeared to, and why his men had been unsuccessful in stopping our return to the capital.
"You mean to tell me you-" Badaxe began.
"Happy Possiltum citizens all, General!" Aahz proclaimed, then dropped his voice to a more confidential level. "I think you'll find that if you should ever have to draft an army, these new citizens will train a lot faster than your average plow pusher."
Apparently the general did. His eyes glittered at the thought of the new force we had placed at his command. I could see him mentally licking his chops in anticipation of the next war.
"Big Julie!" he declared with a broad smile. "You and your . . . er . . . boys are more than welcome to settle here in Possiltum. Let me be one of the first to congratulate you on your new citizenship."
He extended his hand, but there was an obstruction in his way. The obstruction's name was J.R. Grimble.
"Just a moment!" the chancellor snarled. "There's one minor flaw in your plans. It is my intention to advise the king to disband Possiltum's army."
"What?" roared Badaxe.
"Let me handle this, General," Aahz said soothingly. "Grimble, what would you want to do a fool thing like that for?"
"Why, because of the magician, of course," the chancellor blinked. "You've demonstrated he is quite capable of defending the kingdom without the aid of an army, so I see no reason why we should continue to bear the cost of maintaining one."
"Nonsense!" Aahz scolded. "Do you think the great Skeeve has nothing to do with his time but guard your borders? Do you want to tie up your high-cost magician doing the job a low-cost soldier could do?"
"Well. . ." Grimble scowled.
"Besides," Aahz continued. "Skeeve will be spending considerable time on the road furthering his studies . . . which will of course increase his value to Possiltum. Who will guard your kingdom while he's away, if not the army?"
"But the cost is. . ." Grimble whined.
"If anything," Aahz continued ignoring the chancellor's protests. "I should think you'd want to expand your army now that your borders have increased in size."
"What's that?" Grimble blinked, "What about our borders?"
"I thought it was obvious," Aahz said innocently. "All these new citizens have to settle somewhere . . . and there is a lot of land up for grabs just north of here. As I understand it, it's completely unguarded at the moment. Possiltum wouldn't even have to fight for it, just move in and settle. That is, of course, provided you have a strong army to hold it once you've got it."
"Hmm," the chancellor said thoughtfully, stroking his chin with his hand.
"Then again," Aahz murmured quietly, "there's all the extra tax money the new citizens and land will contribute to the kingdom's coffers."
"Big Julie!" Grimble beamed. "I'd like to welcome you and your men to Possiltum."
"I'm welcoming him first!" Badaxe growled. "He's my advisor."
As he spoke, the general dropped his hand to the hilt of his axe, a move which was not lost on the chancellor.
"Of course, General," Grimble acknowledged, forcing a grin. "I'll just wait here until you're through. There are a few things I want to discuss with our new citizens."
"While you're waiting, Grimble," Aahz smiled, "there are a few things we have to discuss with you."
"Such as what?" the chancellor scowled.
"Such as the Court Magician's pay!" my mentor retorted.
"Of course," Grimble laughed. "As soon as we're done here we'll go inside and I'll pay him his first month's wages."
"Actually," Aahz drawled. "What we wanted to discuss was an increase."
The chancellor stopped laughing.
"You mean a bonus, don't you?" he asked hopefully. "I'm sure we can work something out, considering-"
"I mean an increase!" Aahz corrected firmly. "C'mon, Grimble. The kingdom's bigger now. That means the magician's job is bigger and deserves more pay."
"I'm not sure I can approve that," the chancellor responded cagily.
"With the increase of your tax base," Aahz pressed, "I figure you can afford-"
"Now let's be careful," Grimble countered. "Our overhead has gone up right along with that increase. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if . . ."
"C'mon, Gleep," I murmured to my pet. "Let's go see Buttercup."
I had a feeling the wage debate was going to last for a while.
"All's well that ends well."
-E. A. POE
I was spending a leisurely afternoon killing time in my immense room in the palace.
The bargaining session between Aahz and Grimble had gone well for us. Not only had I gotten a substantial wage increase, I was also now housed in a room which was only a little smaller than Grimble's, which in turn was second only to the king's in size. What was more, the room had a large window, which was nice even if it did look out over the stables. Aahz had insisted on this, hinting darkly that I might be receiving winged visitors in the night. I think this scared me more than it did Grimble, but I got my window.
When I chose, I could look down from my perch and keep an eye on Gleep and Buttercup in the stables. I could also watch the hapless stable boy who had been assigned to catering to their every need. That had been part of the deal, too, though I had pushed for it a lot harder than Aahz.
Aahz was housed in the adjoining room, which was nice, though smaller than mine. The royal architects were scheduled to open a door in our shared wall, and I had a hunch that when they did, the room arrangement would change drastically. For the moment, at least, I had a bit of unaccustomed privacy.
The room itself, however, was not what was currently commanding my attention. My mind was focused on Garkin's old brazier. I had been trying all afternoon to unlock its secrets, thus far without success. It stood firmly in the center of the floor where I had first placed it, stubbornly resisting my efforts.
I perched on my windowsill and studied the object glumly. I could levitate it easily enough, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted it to come alive and follow me around the way it used to follow Garkin.
That triggered an idea in my mind. It seemed silly, but nothing else had worked.
Drawing my eyebrows together, I addressed the brazier without focusing my energies on it.
"Come here!" I thought.
The brazier seemed to waiver for a moment, then it trotted to my side, clacking across the floor on its spindly legs.
It worked! Even though it was a silly little detail, the brazier's obedience somehow made me feel more like a magician.
"Hey, kid!" Aahz called, barging through my door without knocking. "Have you got a corkscrew?"
"What's a corkscrew?" I asked reflexively.
"Never mind," my mentor sighed. "I'll do it myself."
With that, he shifted the bottle of wine he was holding to his left hand, and inserted the claw on his right forefinger into the cork. The cork made a soft pop as he gently eased it from the neck of the bottle, whereupon the cork was casually tossed into a corner as Aahz drank deeply of the wine.
"Ahh!" he gasped, coming up for air. "Terrific bouquet!"
"Urn . . . Aahz?" I said shyly, leaving my window perch and moving to the table. "I have something to show you."
"First, could you answer a question?" Aahz asked.
"What?" I frowned.
"Why is that brazier following you around the room?"
I looked, and was startled to find he was right! The brazier had scuttled from the window to the table to remain by my side. The strange part was that I hadn't summoned it.
"Um . . . that's what I was going to show you," I admitted. "I've figured out how to get the brazier to come to me all by itself . . . no levitation or anything."
"Swell," Aahz grunted. "Now, can you make it stop?"
"Um . . . I don't know," I said, sitting down quickly in one of the chairs.
I didn't want to admit it, but while we were talking I had tried several mental commands to get the brazier to go away, all without noticeable effect. I'd have to work this out on my own once Aahz had left.
"Say, Aahz," I said casually, propping my feet on the table. "Could you pour me some of that wine?"
Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me, then crossed the room slowly to stand by my side.
"Kid," he said gently, "I want you to look around real carefully. Do you see anybody here except you and me?"
"No," I admitted.
"Then we're in private, not in public . . . right?" he smiled.
"That's right," I agreed.
"Then get your own wine, apprentice!" he roared, kicking my chair out from under me.
Actually, it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I exerted my mind before I hit the floor and hovered safely in thin air. From that position, I reached out with my mind and lifted the bottle from Aahz's hand, transferring it to my own.
"If you insist," I said casually, taking a long pull on the bottle.
"Think you're pretty smart, don't you!" Aahz snarled, then he grinned. "Well, I guess you are at that. You've done pretty well . . . for an amateur."
"A professional," I corrected with a grin. "A salaried professional."
"I know." Aahz grinned back. "For an amateur, you're pretty smart. For a professional you've got a lot to learn."
"C'mon, Aahz!" I protested.
"But that can wait for another day," Aahz conceded. "You might as well relax for a while and enjoy yourself . . . while you can."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I frowned.
"Nothing!" Aahz shrugged innocently. "Nothing at all."
"Wait a minute, Aahz," I said sharply, regaining my feet. "I'm Court Magician now, right?"
"That's right, Skeeve," my mentor nodded.
"Court Magician is the job you pushed me into because it's so easy, right?" I pressed.
"Right again, kid." He smiled, -his nodding becoming even more vigorous.
"Then nothing can go wrong? Nothing serious?" I asked anxiously.
Aahz retrieved his wine bottle and took a long swallow before answering.
"Just keep thinking that, kid." He grinned. "It'll help you sleep nights."
"C'mon, Aahz!" I whined. "You're supposed to be my teacher. If there's something I'm missing, you've got to tell me. Otherwise I won't learn."
"Very well, apprentice." Aahz smiled, evilly emphasizing the word. "There are a few things you've overlooked."
"Such as?" I asked, writhing under his smile.
"Such as Gus, Ajax, and Brockhurst, who you just sent back to Deva without instructions."
"Instructions?" I blinked.
"Tanda we don't have to worry about, but the other three-"
"Wait a minute, Aahz," I interrupted before he got too far from the subject. "What instructions?"
"Instructions not to talk about our little skirmish here," Aahz clarified absently. "Tanda will know enough to keep her mouth shut, but the others won't."
"You think they'll talk?"
"Is a frog's behind watertight?" Aahz retorted.
"What's a frog?" I countered.
"Money in their pockets, fresh from a successful campaign against overwhelming odds . . . of course they'll talk!" Aahz thundered. "They'll talk their fool heads off to anyone who'll listen. What's more, they'll embellish it a little more with each telling until it sounds like they're the greatest fighters ever to spit teeth and you're the greatest tactician since Gronk!"
"What's wrong with that?" I inquired, secretly pleased. I didn't know who Gronk was, but what Aahz was saying had a nice ring to it.
"Nothing at all." Aahz responded innocently. "Except now the word will be out as to who you are, where you are, and what you are . . . also that you're for hire and that you subcontract. If there's any place in all the dimensions that folks will take note of information like that, it's the Bazaar."
Regardless of what my mentor may think', I'm not slow. I realized in a flash the implications of what he was saying . . . realized them and formulated an answer.
"So we suddenly get a lot of strange people dropping in on us to offer jobs, or looking for work," I acknowledged. "So what? All that means is I get a lot of practice saying `No.' Who knows, it might improve my status around here a little if it's known that I regularly consult with strange beings from other worlds."
"Of course," Aahz commented darkly, "there's always the chance that someone at the Bazaar will hear that the other side is thinking of hiring you and decide to forcibly remove you from the roster. Either that, or some young hotshot will want to make a name for himself by taking on this unbeatable magician everyone's talking about."
I tried not to show how much his grim prophecy had unnerved me. Then I realized he would probably keep heaping it on until he saw me sweat. Consequently, I sweated . . . visibly.
"I hadn't thought of that, Aahz," I admitted. "I guess I did overlook something there."
"Then again there's Grimble and Badaxe," Aahz continued as if he hadn't heard me.
"What about Grimble and Badaxe?" I asked nervously.
"In my estimation," Aahz yawned, "the only way those two would ever work together would be against a common foe. In my further estimation, the best candidate for that `common foe' position is you!"
"Me?" I asked in a very small voice.
"You work it out, kid," my mentor shrugged. "Until you hit the scene there was a two-way power struggle going as to who had the king's ear. Then you came along and not only saved the kingdom, you increased the population, expanded the borders, and added to the tax base. That makes you the most popular and therefore the most influential person in the king's court. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think Grimble and Badaxe are going to just sigh and accept that. It's my guess they'll `double team' you and attack anything you say or do militarily and monetarily, and that's a tough one-two punch to counter."
"Okay. Okay. So there were two things I overlooked," I said. "Except for that-"
"And of course there's the people Big Julie and his men owe money to," Aahz commented thoughtfully. "I wonder how long it will be before they start nosing around looking for an explanation as to what happened to an entire army? More important, I wonder who they'll be looking .for by name to provide them with that explanation?"
"Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"Do you mind if I have a little more of that wine?"
"Help yourself, kid. There's lots."
I had a hunch that was going to be the best news I would hear for a long time.
This Ace Fantasy Book contains the complete
text of the original trade edition.
It has been completely reset in a typeface
designed for easy reading, and was printed
from new film.
MYTH DIRECTIONS
An Ace Fantasy Book published by arrangement withStarblaze Editions of The Donning Company Publishers
PRINTING HISTORY
Starblaze edition published 1982
Ace edition / June 1985
Second printing / September 1985
All rights reserved.
Copyright 1982 by Robert L. Asprin
Cover art by Walter Velez
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.
ISBN: 0-441-55527-6
Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
"Dragons and Demons and Kings,
Oh my!"
THE COWARDLY KLAHD
"THIS place stinks!" my scaly mentor snarled, glaring out the window at the rain.
"Yes, Aahz," I agreed meekly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped,
turning his demon's speckled gold eyes on me.
"It means," I gulped, "that I agree with you. TheKingdom of Possiltum, and the palace specifically,stink to high heavenboth figuratively and literally."
"Ingratitude!" Aahz made his appeal to the ceiling. "I lose my powers to a stupid practical joker,and instead of concentrating on getting them back, Itake on some twit of an apprentice who doesn't haveany aspirations higher than being a thief, train him,groom him, and get him a job paying more than hecould spend in two lifetimes, and what happens? Hecomplains! I suppose you think you could have donebetter on your own?"
2 Robert Asprin
It occurred to me that Aahz's guidance had alsogotten me hung, embroiled in a magik duel with amaster magician, and recently, placed in the unen-viable position of trying to stop the world's largestarmy with a handful of down-at-the -heels demons. Italso occurred to me that this was not the most tactfultime to point out these minor nerve-jangling incidents.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I grovelled. "Possiltum is apretty nice kingdom to work for."
"It stinks!" he declared, turning to the windowagain.
I stifled a sigh. A magician's lot is not a happy one.I stole that saying from a tune Aahz sings off and on. . . key. More and more, I was realizing the truth ofthe jingle. As the court magician to my king I hadalready endured a great deal more than I had everbargained for.
Actually the king of Possiltum isn't my king. I'mhis royal magician, an employee at best.
Aahz isn't my demon, either. I'm his apprentice,trying desperately to learn enough magik to warrantmy aforementioned lofty title.
Gleep is definitely my dragon, though. Just askAahz. Better still, ask anyone in the court of Possiltum. Anytime my pet wreaks havoc with his playfulromping, I get the blame and J.R. Grimble, theking's chancellor, deducts the damages from mywages.
Naturally, this gets Aahz upset. In addition tomanaging my magik career, Aahz also oversees ourfinances. Well, that's something of an understate-ment. He shamelessly bleeds the kingdom for everymonetary consideration he can get for us (which isconsiderable) and watches over our expenses. Whenit comes to spending our ill-gotten wealth, Aahz MYTH DIRECTIONS 3
would rather part with my blood. As you might
guess, we argue a lot over this.
Gleep is understanding though; which is part of thereason I keep him around. He's quite intelligent andunderstanding for a baby dragon with a one word vo-cabulary. I spend a considerable amount of time telling him my troubles, and he always listens attentivelywithout interrupting or arguing or shouting abouthow stupid I am. This makes him better companythan Aahz.
It says something about one's lifestyle when theonly one you can get sympathy from is a dragon.
Unfortunately, on this particular day I was cut offfrom my pet's company. It was raining, and when itrains in Possiltum, it doesn't kid around. Gleep is tobig to live indoors with us, and the rain made thecourtyard impassable, so I couldn't reach the stableswhere he was quartered. What was more, I couldn'trisk roaming the halls of the castle for fear of running into the king. If that happened, he woulddoubtless ask when I was going to do somethingabout the miserable weather. Weather control wasnot one of my current skills, and I was under strictorders from Aahz to avoid the subject at all costs. Assuch, I was stuck waiting out the rain in my ownquarters. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, if itwasn't for the fact that I shared those quarters withAahz.
Rain made Aahz grouchy, or I should say
grouchier than usual. I'd rather be locked in a smallcage with an angry spider-bear than be alone in aroom with Aahz when he's in a bad mood.
"There must be something to do," Aahz grumbled, begging to pace the floor. "I haven't been thisbored since the Two Hundred Year Siege."
"You could teach me about dimension travel," Isuggested hopefully.
4
Robert Asprin
MYTH DIRECTIONS
5
This was one area of magik Aahz had steadfastlyrefused to teach me. As I mentioned earlier, Aahz is ademon, short for "dimension traveler." Most of myclose friends these days were demons, and I was eagerto add dimension traveling to my meager list of skills.
"Don't make me laugh, kid." Aahz laughed
harshly. "At the rate you're learning, it would takemore than two hundred years to teach it to you."
"Oh," I said, crestfallen. "Wellyou could tellme about the Two Hundred Year Siege."
"The Two Hundred Year Siege," Aahz murmured
dreamily, smiling slightly to himself. Large groups ofarmed men have been known to turn pale and trem-ble visibly before Aahz's smile.
"There isn't much to tell," he began, leaning
against a table and hefting a large pitcher of wine."It was me and another magician, Diz-Ne. He was asnotty little upstart... you remind me a bit of him."
"What happened?" I urged, anxious to get the
conversation away from me.
"Well, once he figured out he couldn't beat me flatout, he went defensive," Aahz reminisced. "He wasa real nothing magikally, but he knew his defensespells. Kept me off his back for a full two hundredyears, even though we drained most of the magikenergies of that dimension in the process."
"Who won?" I pressed eagerly.
Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me over the lip of thewine pitcher.
"I'm telling the story, kid," he pointed out. "Youfigure it out."
I did, and swallowed hard.
"Did you kill him?"
"Nothing that pleasant," Aahz smiled. "What I
did to him once I got through his defenses will last alot longer than two hundred yearsbut 1 guaranteeyou, he won't get bored."
"Why were you fighting?" I asked in a desperate
effort to forestall the images my mind was manufac-turing.
"He welshed on a bet," my mentor shrugged,
hefting the wine again.
"That's all?"
"That's enough," Aahz insisted grimly. "Betting's a serious matterin any dimension."
"UrnAahz?" I frowned. "Weren't Big Julie and
his men running from gambling debts when we metthem?"
That's the army I mentioned earlier. Big Julie andhis men were currently disguised as happy citizens ofPossiltum.
"That's right, kid," Aahz nodded.
"Then that's why you said the loansharks wouldprobably come looking for them," I declared triumphantly.
"Wrong," Aahz said firmly.
"Wrong?" I blinked.
"I didn't say they'd probably come looking," hecorrected. "I said they would come looking. Bank onit. There are only two questions involved here: Whenare they coming, and what are you going to do aboutit?"
"I don't know about the 'when,' " I commented
with careful deliberation, "but I've given somethought to what I'm going to do."
"And you've decided" Aahz prompted.
"To grab our money and run!" I declared.
"That's why I want to learn dimension travel. Ifigure there won't be anywhere in this dimension wecould hide, and that means leaving Klah for greener,safer pastures."
Aahz was unmoved.
"If push comes to shove," he yawned, "we can
use the D-Hopper. As long as we've got a mechanicalmeans of traveling to other dimensions, there's noneed for you to learn how to do it magically."
6 Robert Asprin
"C'mon, Aahz!" I exploded. "Why won't you
teach me? What makes dimension traveling so hardto learn?"
Aahz studied me for a long moment, then heaved abig sigh. "All right, Skeeve," he said. "If you listenup, I'll try to sketch it out for you."
I listened. With every pore, I listened. Aahz didn'tcall me by my given name often, and when he did, itwas serious.
"The problem is that to travel the dimensions,even using pentacles for beaconsgatewaysre---
quires knowing your destination dimension . . .knowing it almost as well as your home dimension. Ifyou don't, then you can get routed into a dimensionyou aren't even aware of, and be trapped there withno way out."
He paused to take another drink from the wine
pitcher.
"Now, you've only been in one dimension besidesKlah," he continued. "That was Deva, and you onlysaw the Bazaar. You know the Bazaar well enough toknow it's constantly changing and rearranging. Youdon't know it well enough to have zeroed in on thefew permanent fixtures you could use to home in onfor a return trip, so effectively, you don't know anyother dimensions well enough to be sure of yourdestination if you tried to jump magikally. That'swhy you can't travel the dimensions without usingthe D-Hopper! End of lecture."
I blinked.
"You mean the only reason I can't do it magikallyis because I don't know the other dimensions?" Iasked.
"That's the main reason," Aahz corrected.
"Then let's go!" I cried, leaping to my feet. "I'llget the D-Hopper and you can show me a couple newdimensions while we're waiting for the rain to stop."
"Not so fast, kid!" Aahz interrupted, holding up a
MYTH DIRECTIONS 7
restraining hand." Sit down."
"What's wrong?" I challenged.
"Do you really think that possibility hadn't occurred to me?" he asked, an edge of irritation creep-ing into his voice.
I thought about it, and sat down again.
"Why don't you think it's a good idea?" I queriedin a more humble tone.
"There are a few things you've overlooked in yourenthusiasm," he intoned dryly. "First of all, remember that in another dimension, you'll be a demon.Now, except for Deva which makes its money on cross-dimension trade, most dimensions don't greetdemons with flowers and red carpets. The fact is, ademon is likely to be attacked on sight by whoever'saround with whatever's handy."
He leaned forward to emphasize his words. "WhatI'm trying to say is, it's dangerous! Now, if we wenttouring and ran into trouble; what do we have to de-fend ourselves? I've lost my powers and yours arestill so undeveloped as to be practically non-existent.Who's going to handle the natives?"
"How dangerous is it?" I asked hesitantly.
"Let me put it to you this way, kid," Aahz sighed."You spend a lot of time griping about how I keepputting your life in jeopardy with my blatant disregard for danger. Right?"
"Right." I nodded vigorously.
"Well, now I'm saying the trip you're proposing isdangerous. Does that give you a clue as to whatyou'll be up against?"
I leaned back in my chair and stretched, trying tomake it look nonchalant.
"How abut sharing some of that wine?" I suggested casually.
For a change, Aahz didn't ignore the request. Hetossed the pitcher into the air as he rose and strode tothe window again. Reaching out with my mind, I 8
Robert Asprin
gently grabbed the pitcher and brought it floating tomy outstretched hand without spilling a drop.
As I said, I am the court magician of Possiltum.I'm not without powers.
"Don't let it get you down, kid," Aahz called
from the window. "If you keep practicing, somedaywe can take that tour under your protection. Butuntil you reach that level, or until we find you amagikal bodyguard, it'll just have to wait."
"I suppose you're right, Aahz," I conceded. "It'sjust that sometimes..."
There was a soft BAMF! as the ether was rent
asunder and a demon appeared in the room. Right
there! In my private quarters in the Possiltum royalpalace!
Before I could recover from my surprise or Aahzcould move to intervene, the demon plopped itselfonto my lap and planted a big, warm kiss full on mymouth.
"Hi, handsome!" it purred. "How's tricks?"
"When old friends get together,
everything else fades to insignifi---
cance."
WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE,
AND DEATH
"TANDA!" I exclaimed, recovering from shock sufficiently to fasten my arms around her waist in anenergetic hug.
"In the flesh!" she winked, pressing hard againstme.
My temperature went up several degrees, or maybeit was the room. Tananda has that effect on meandrooms. Lusciously curvaceous, with a mane of lightgreen hair accenting her lovely olive complexion andfeatures, she could stop a twenty-man brawl with asmile and a deep sigh.
"He isn't the only one in the room, you know,"Aahz commented dryly.
"Hi, Aahz!" my adorable companion cried, untangling herself from my lap and throwing herselfinto Aahz's arms.
The volume of Tananda's affections is exceededonly by her willingness to share them. I had a secret
10 Robert Asprin
belief, though, that Tananda liked me better than sheliked Aahz. This belief was tested for strength astheir greeting grew longer and longer.
"Um . . . what brings you to these parts?" I interrupted at last.
That earned me a dark look from Aahz, but
Tananda didn't bat an eye.
"Well," she dimpled, "I could say I was just in theneighborhood and felt like dropping by, but thatwouldn't be true. The fact is, I need a little favor."
"Name it," Aahz and I declared simultaneously.
Aahz is tight-fisted and I'm chicken, but all betsare off when it comes to Tananda. She had helped usout of a couple of tight spots in the past, and we bothfigured we owed her. The fact she had helped us intoas many tight spots as she had helped us out of neverentered our minds. Besidesshe was awfully nice tohave around.
"It's nothing really," she sighed. "I have a littleshopping to do and was hoping I could borrow oneof you two to help me carry things."
"You mean today?" Aahz frowned.
"Actually, for the next couple days," Tananda informed him. "Maybe as long as a week."
"Can't do it," Aahz sighed. "I have to referee ameeting between Big Julie and General Badaxe
tomorrow. Any chance you could postpone it untilnext week?"
"Ummm . . . you weren't the one I was thinkingof, Aahz," Tananda said, giving the ceiling a casualsurvey. "I was thinking Skeeve and I could handleit."
"Me?" I blinked.
Aahz scowled.
"Not a chance," he declared. "The kid can't playstep-and-fetch-it for you. It's beneath his dignity."
"No, it isn't!" I cried. "I mean, if it wouldn't bebeneath you. Aahz, how could it be beneath me?"
MYTH , DIRECTIONS 11
"I'm not the court magician of Possiltum!" he
argued.
"I can disguise myself!" I countered. "That's oneof my best spells. You've said so yourself."
"I think your scaly green mentor is just a lee-tie bitjealous," Tananda observed, winking at me covertly.
"Jealous?" Aahz exploded. "Me? Jealous of a
little ..." He broke off and looked back and forthbetween Tananda and myself as he realized he wasbeing baited.
"OhI suppose it would be okay," he grumbled
at last. "Go ahead and take himeven though it'sbeyond me what you expect to find in this backwaterdimension worth shopping for."
"Oh, Aahz!" Tananda laughed. "You're a card.
Shopping in Klah? I may be a little flighty from timeto time, but I'm not crazy."
"You mean we're headed for other dimensions?" Iasked eagerly.
"Of course," she nodded. "We have quite an
itinerary ahead of us. First, we'll hop over to"
"What's an itinerary?" I asked.
"Stop!" Aahz shouted, holding up a hand for silence.
"But I was just"
"Stop!"
"We were"
"Stop!"
Our conversation effectively halted, we turned ourattention to Aahz. With melodramatic slowness, hefolded his arms across his chest.
"No, "he said.
"No?" I shrieked. "But, Aahz ..."
" 'But, Aahz' nothing," he barked back. "I said'No'and I meant it."
"Wait a minute," Tananda interceded, stepping
between us. "What's the problem, Aahz?"
"If you think I'm going to let my apprentice go
12 Robert Asprin
traipsing around the dimensions alone and unprotected"
"I won't be alone," I protested. "Tananda will bethere."
"a prime target for any idiot who wants to bag ademon," Aahz continued, ignoring my outburst,
"just so you can have a beast of burden for yourshopping jaunt, well, you'd better think again."
"Are you through?" Tananda asked testily.
"For the moment," Aahz nodded, matching her
glare for glare.
"First of all," she began, "as Skeeve pointed out,if you'd bothered to listen, he won't be alone. I'll bewith him. That means, second of all, he won't be un-protected. Just because I let my membership with theAssassins Guild expire doesn't mean I've forgotteneverything."
'' Yeah, Aahz,'' I interjected.
"Shut up, kid," he snapped.
"Third of all," Tananda continued, "you've gotto stop thinking of Skeeve here as a kid. He stoppedBig Julie's army, didn't he? And besides, he is yourapprentice. I assume you've taught him somethingover the last couple of years."
That hit Aahz in his second most sensitive spot.His vanity. His most sensitive spot is his moneypouch.
"Well... " he waivered.
"C'mon, Aahz," I pleaded. "What could go
wrong?"
"The mind boggles," he retorted grimly.
"Don't exaggerate, Aahz," Tananda repri---
manded.
"Exaggerate!" my mentor exploded anew. "The
first time I took Mr. Wonderful here off-dimension,he bought a dragon we neither need nor want andnearly got killed in a brawl with a pack of cut-throats."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 13
"A fight which he won, as I recall," Tananda
observed.
"The second time we went out," Aahz continued
undaunted, "I left him at a fast-food joint where hepromptly recruited half the deadbeats at the Bazaarfor a fighting force."
"They won the war!" I argued.
"That's not the point," Aahz growled. "The pointis, every time the kid here hits another dimension, heends up in trouble. He draws it like a magnet."
"This time I'll be there to keep an eye on him,"Tananda soothed.
"You were there the first two times," Aahz
pointed out grimly.
"So were you!" she countered.
"That's right!" Aahz agreed. "And both of us
together couldn't keep him out of trouble. Now doyou see why I want to keep him right here in Klah?"
"Hmm," Tananda said thoughtfully. "I see your
point, Aahz."
My heart sank.
"I just don't agree with it," she concluded.
"Damn it, Tananda ..." Aahz began, but she
waved him to silence.
"Let me tell you a story," she smiled. "There wasthis couple see, who had a kid they thought the worldof. They thought so much of him, in fact, that whenhe was born they sealed him in a special room. Just tobe sure nothing would happen to him, they screenedeverything that went into the room; furniture, books,food, toys, everything. They even filtered the air tobe sure he didn't get any diseases."
"So?" Aahz asked suspiciously.
"Soon his eighteenth birthday, they opened theroom and let him out," Tanda explained. "The kidtook two steps and died of excitement."
"Really?" I asked, horrified.
"It's exaggerated a bit," she admitted, "but I
14 Robert Asprin
think Aahz gets the point."
"I haven't been keeping him sealed in," Aahz
mumbled. "There've been some real touch-and-gomoments, you know. You've been there for some ofthem."
"But you have been a little overprotective, haven'tyou, Aahz?" Tananda urged gently.
Aahz was silent for several moments, avoiding oureyes. "All right," he sighed at last. "Go ahead, kid.Just don't come crying to me if you get yourselfkilled."
"How could I do that?" I frowned.
Tananda nudged me in the ribs and I took the hint.
"There are a few things I want settled before you
go," Aahz declared brusquely, a bit of his normal
spirit returning.
He began moving back and forth through the
room, gathering items from our possessions.
"First," he announced, "here's some money of
your own for the trip. You probably won't need it,but you always walk a little taller with money in yourpouch."
So saying, he counted out twenty gold pieces intomy hands. Realizing I had hired a team of demons tofight a war for five gold pieces, he was giving me averitable fortune!
"Gee, Aahz ..." I began, but he hurried on.
"Second, here's the D-Hopper." He tucked the
small metal cylinder into my belt. "I've set it to bringyou back here. If you get into trouble, if you thinkyou're getting into trouble, hit the button and comehome right then. No heroics, no jazzy speeches. Justhit and get. You understand me?"
"Yes, Aahz," I promised dutifully.
"And finally," he announced, drawing himself upto his full height, "the dragon stays here. You aren'tgoing to drag your stupid pet along with you andthat's final. I know you'd like to have him with you, MYTH DIRECTIONS 15
but he'd only cause problems."
"Okay, Aahz," I shrugged.
Actually, I had figured on leaving Gleep behind,but it didn't seem tactful to point that out.
"Well," my mentor sighed, sweeping us both witha hard gaze, "I guess that's that. Sorry I can't hangaround to see you off, but I've got more pressing things to do."
With that he turned on his heels and left, shuttingthe door behind him more forcefully than was necessary.
"That's funny," I said, staring after him. "I
didn't think he had anything important to do. Infact, just before you showed up, he was complaining
about being bored."
"You know, Skeeve," Tananda said softly, givingme a strange look, "Aahz is really quite attached to
you."
"Really?" I frowned. "What makes you say
that?"
"Nothing," she smiled. "It was just a thought.
Well. are you ready to go?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," I declared confidently."What's our first stop? The Bazaar at Deva?"
"Goodness, no!" she retorted, wrinkling her nose."We're after something really unique, not the com-mon stuff they have at the Bazaar. I figure we'regoing to have to hit some out-of-the-way dimensions,the more out-of-the-way the better."
Despite my confidence, an alarm gong went off inthe back of my mind at this declaration.
"What are we looking for, anyway?" I asked casually.
Tananda shot a quick glance at the door, then
leaned forward to whisper in my ear.
"I couldn't tell you before," she murmured con-spiratorially, "but we're after a birthday present. Abirthday present for Aahz!"
"That's funny, I never have any
trouble with service when I'm shopping."
K. KONG
EVER since he took me on as an apprentice, Aahz hascomplained that I don't practice enough. He shouldhave seen me on the shopping trip! In the first threedays after our departure from Klah I spent more timepracticing magik than I had in the previous year.
Tananda had the foresight to bring along a coupleof translator pendants which enabled us to understand and be understood by the natives in the dimensions we visited. That was fine for communications,but there remained the minor detail of our physicalappearance. Disguises were my job.
Besides flying Aahz had taught me one other spellwhich had greatly enhanced my ability to survivedubious situations; that was the ability to change theoutward appearance of my own, or anyone else's,physical features. Tagging along with Tananda, thisskill got a real workout.
The procedure was simple enough. We would ar---
16
MYTH DIRECTIONS 17
rive at some secluded point, then creep to a spotwhere I would observe a few members of the localpopulation. Once I had laid eyes on them I couldduplicate their physical form for our disguises and wecould blend with the crowd. Of course, my nerveshad to be calmed so I wouldn't jump out of my skinwhen catching a passing glance of the being standingnext to me.
If from this you conclude that the dimensions wevisited were inhabited by people who looked a littlestrange . . . you're wrong. The dimensions we visitedwere peopled by beings who looked very strange.
When Tananda decides to tour out-of-the-way dimensions, she doesn't kid around. None of the placeswe visited looked normal to my untraveled eyes but afew in particular stand out in my memory as beingexceptionally weird.
Despite Tananda's jokes about rental agencies,Avis turned out to be populated with bird-like creatures with wings and feathers. In that dimension I notonly had to maintain our disguises, I had to fly usfrom perch to perch as per the local method of transportation. Instead of traversing their market centeras I had expected, we spent considerable time viewingtheir national treasures. These treasures turned out tobe a collection of broken pieces of colored glass andbits of shiny metal which to my eye were worthless-but Tananda studied them with quiet intensity.
To maintain our disguises, we had to eat and drinkwithout handswhich proved to be harder than itsounded. Since the food consisted of live grubs andworms, I passed on any opportunity to sample the lo-cal cuisine. Tananda, however, literally dove into (re-memberno hands!) a bowlful. Whether she lickedher lips because she found the fare exceptionally tastyor if she was attempting to catch a few of the wrigglymorsels that were trying to escape their fate was notimportant; I found the sight utterly revolting. To 18
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Robert Asprin
avoid having to watch her, I tried the local wine.
The unusual drinking style meant that I ended uptaking larger swallows than I normally would, butthat was okay as the wine was light and flavorful.Unfortunately, it also proved to be much strongerthan anything I had previously sampled. After I hadnearly flown us into a rather large tree Tanandadecided it was time for us to move to another dimension.
As a footnote to that particular adventure, thewine had two side effects: first, I developed a colossalheadache, and, second, I became violently nauseous.The latter was because Tananda gleefully told mehow they make wine on Avis. To this day I can't hearthe name Avis without having visions of flyingthrough the air and a vague tinge of air-sickness. Asfar as I'm concerned, when rating dimensions on ascale of ten, Avis will always be a number two.
Another rather dubious dimension we spent considerable time in was Gastropo. The length of ourstay there had nothing to do with our quest. Tanandadecided, after relatively few stops, that the dimensionhad nothing to offer of a quality suitable for Aahz'spresent. What delayed us was our disguises.
Let me clarify that before aspersions are cast onmy admittedly limited abilities, the physical appearance part was easy. As I've said, I'm getting quitegood at disguise spells. What hung us up was themanner of locomotion. After flying from tree to treein Avis, I would have thought I was ready to get frompoint A to point B in any conceivable way. Well, asAahz has warned me, the dimensions are an endlesssource of surprises.
The Gastropods were snailslarge snails, but
snails none the less. Spiral shells, eyes on stalksthewhole bit. I could handle that. What I couldn't getused to was inching my way along with the rest of thelocal pedestriansexcuse me, pod-estiians.
"Tanda," I growled under my breath. "How long
are we going to stay in this god-awful dimension?"
"Relax, handsome," she chided, easing forward
another inch. "Enjoy the scenery."
"I've been enjoying this particular hunk of sceneryfor half a day," I complained. "I'm enjoying it somuch I've memorized it."
"Don't exaggerate," my guide scolded. "This
morning we were on the other side of that tree."
I closed my eyes and bit back my first five or sixresponses to her correction. "How long?" I repeated.
"I figure we can split after we turn that corner."
"But that corner's a good twenty-five feet away!"I protested.
"That's right," she confirmed. "I figure we'll bethere by sundown."
"Can't we just walk over there at normal speed?"
"Not a chance; we'd be noticed."
"By who?"
"Whom. Well, by your admirer, for one."
"My what?" I blinked.
Sure enough, there was a Gastropod chugging
heroically along behind us. When it realized I waslooking at it, it began to wave its eye-stalks in slow,but enthusiastic, motions.
"It's been after you for about an hour," Tanandaconfided. "That's why I've been hurrying."
"That does it!" I declared, starting off at a normalpace. "C'mon, Tanda, we're getting out of here."
Shrill cries of alarm were being sounded by theGastropods as 1 rounded the corner, followed,
shortly, by my guide.
"What's the matter with you?" she demanded.
"We could"
"Get us outnow!" I ordered.
"But"
"Remember how I got my dragon?" I barked. "If
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Robert Asprin
I let an amorous snail follow me home, Aahz willdisown me as his apprentice. Now, are you going toget us out of here, or do I use the D-Hopper and headfor home?"
"Don't get your back up," she soothed, beginningher ritual to change dimensions. "You shouldn'thave worried though, we're looking for cargonotS-cargo."
We were in another dimension before I could askher to explain why she was giggling. So it went,dimension after dimension until I gave up trying topredict the unpredictable and settled for coping withthe constants. Even this turned out to be a chore. Forone thing, I had some unexpected problems withTananda. I had never noticed it before, but she'sreally quite vain. She didn't just want to look like anativeshe wanted to look like an attractive native.
Anyone who thinks beauty is a universal conceptshould visit some of the places we did. Whatevergrotesque form I was asked to duplicate Tanandaalways had a few polite requests for improving herappearance. After a few days of "the hair should bemore matted," or "shouldn't my eye be a bit morebloodshot?" or "a little more slime under the arm-pits," I was ready to scream. It probably wouldn'thave been so annoying if her attention to detail hadextended just a little bit to my appearance. All I'd getwas"You? You look fine." That how I know she'svain; she was more interested in her own appearancethan mine.
That wasn't the only thing puzzling about Tananda's behavior. Despite her claim that we were on ashopping trip, she steadfastly avoided the retail sec-tions of the dimensions we visited. Bazaars, farmers'markets, flea markets and all the rest were met withthe same wrinkled nose (when there was a nose) and"we don't want to go there." Instead she seemed tobe content as a tourist. Her inquiries would invariably lead us to national shrines or the public displaysof royal treasures. After viewing several of these wewould retire to a secluded spot and head off for thenext dimension.
In a way this suited me fine. Not only was I gettinga running, flying, and crawling tour of the dimensions, I was doing it with Tananda. Tananda isfamiliar with the social customs of over a hundreddimensions and in every dimension she was justthatfamiliar. I rapidly learned that in addition tobeauty, morality varied from dimension to dimension. The methods of expressing affection in some ofthe dimensions we visited defy description but in-variably make me blush at the memory. Needless tosay, after three days of this I was seriously trying toprogress beyond the casual friendship level with myshapely guide. I mean, Tananda's interpretation ofcasual friendship was already seriously threateningthe continued smooth operation of my heartnot tomention other organs.
There was a more pressing problem on my mind,
however. After three days of visiting strange worlds,I was hungry enough to bite my own arm for theblood. They say if you're hungry enough you'll eatanything. Don't you believe it. The things placedbefore me and called food were unstomachable despite starvation. I know; I tried occasionally, outof desperation, only to lose everything else in mystomach along with the latest offering. HavingTananda sitting across from me, joyfully chewingtentacled things that oozed out of her mouth andwriggled didn't help.
Finally I expressed my distress and needs to Tananda.
"I wondered why you hadn't been eating much,"
she frowned. "But I thought maybe you were on adiet, or something. I wish you'd spoken up sooner."
"I didn't want to be a bother," I explained lamely.
22
Robert Asprin
"It isn't that," she waved. "It's just that if I hadknown two dimensions ago there were half a dozenhumanoid dimensions nearby that we could have hopped over to. Right now, there's only one thatwould fit the bill without us having to go through acouple of extra dimensions along the way."
"Then let's head for that one," I urged. "The
sooner I eat the better off we'll be." I wasn't exaggerating. My stomach was beginning to growl soloudly it was a serious threat to our disguises.
"Suit yourself," she shrugged, pulling me behind arow of hedges that tinkled musically in the breeze."Personally, though, it's not a dimension I normallystop in."
Again the alarm sounded in the back of my head,despite my hunger. "Why not?" I asked suspiciously.
''Because they're weird thereI mean, really
weird," she confided.
Images flashed across my mind of the beings we'dalready encountered. "Weirder than the nativeswe've been imitating?" I gulped. "I thought you saidthey'd be humanoid?"
"Not weird physically," Tananda chided, takingmy hand. "Weird mentally. You'll see."
"What's the name of the dimension?" I called desperately as she closed her eyes to begin our travels.The scenery around us faded, there was a rush ofdarkness, then a new scene burst brightly and noisilyinto view.
"Jahk," she answered, opening her eyes since wewere there.
" 'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute
term."
BARON FRANK N. FURTER
You recall my account of our usual modus operandion hitting a new dimension? How we would arrive inconspicuously and disguise ourselves before minglingwith the natives? Well, however secluded Tananda'slanding point in Jahk might be normallyit wasn'twhen we arrived.
As the dimension came into focus it was apparentthat we were in a small park, heavily overgrown withtrees and shrubs. It was not the flora of the placewhich caught and held my attention, however, it wasthe crowd. What crowd? you might ask. Why, theone carrying blazing torches and surrounding us, ofcourse. Ohthat crowd!
Well, to be completely honest, they weren't actually surrounding us. They were surrounding the contraption we were standing on. I had never reallyknown what a contraption was when Aahz had used 23
24
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Robert Asprin
the word in conversation, and being Aahz he
wouldn't define the word when I asked him to. Nowthat I was here, however, I recognized one on sight.The thing we were standing on had to be a contraption.
It was some sort of wagonin that it was large andhad four wheels. Beyond that I couldn't tell muchabout it, because it was completely covered by tuftsof colored paper. That's right, I said paperlightfluffy stuff that would be nice if you had a cold,runny nose. But this paper was mostly yellow andblue. Looming over us was some kind of monstrous,dummy warrior complete with helmetalso coveredwith tufts of blue and yellow paper.
Of all the things that had flashed across my mindwhen Tananda warned me that the Jahks were weird,the one thing that had not occurred to me was thatthey were blue-and-yellow-paper freaks.
"Get off the float!"
This last was shouted at us from someone in thecrowd.
"I beg your pardon," I shouted back.
"The float! Get off of it!"
"C'mon, handsome," Tananda hissed, hooking
my elbow in hers.
Together we leaped to the ground. As it turned outwe were barely in time. With a bloodthirsty howl,the crowd surged forward and tossed their torchesOnto the contraption we had so recently abandoned.In moments it was a mass of flames the heat of whichwarmed the already overheated crowd. They dancedand sang, joyfully oblivious to the destruction of thecontraption.
Edging away from the scene, I realized with horrorthat it was being duplicated throughout the park.Wherever I looked there were bonfires set on contraptions, and jubilant crowds.
"I think we arrived at a bad time," I observed.
"What makes you say that?" Tananda asked.
"Little things," I explained, "like the fact they'rein the middle of torching the town."
"I don't think so," my companions shrugged.
"When you torch a town you don't usually start withthe parks."
"Okay, then you tell me just what they're doing."
"As far as I can tell, they're celebrating."
"Celebrating what?"
"Some kind of victory. As near as I can tell, everyone's shoutingwe won! we won!"
I surveyed the blazes again. "I wonder what they'ddo if they lost?"
Just then a harried-looking individual strode up tous. His no-nonsense, business-like manner was anisland of sanity in a sea of madness. I didn't like it.Not that I have anything against sanity, mind you.It's just that up 'til now we had been pretty much ignored. I feared that was about to change.
"Here's your pay," he said brusquely, handing useach a pouch. "Turn in your costume at the TrophyBuilding." With that he was gone, leaving us open-mouthed and holding the bags.
"What was that all about?" I managed to say.
"Beats me," Tananda admitted. "They lost me
when they called that contraption a float."
"Then I'm right! It is a contraption," I exclaimedwith delight. "I knew they had to be wrong; a float isairtight and won't sink in water."
"I thought it was made with ice cream and ginger-ale?" Tananda frowned.
"With what and what?" I blinked.
"Great costumesreally great!" someone shouted
to us as they staggered by.
"Time to do something about our disguises,"
Tananda murmured as she waved to the drunk.
"Right,"'! nodded, glad we could agree on something.
26 Robert Asprin
The disguises should have been easy after my re-cent experience in other dimensions. I mean theJahks were humanoid and I had lots of ready modelsto work from. Unfortunately I encountered problems.
The first was pride. Despite the teeming massesaround us, I couldn't settle on two individuals whoseappearance I wanted to duplicate. I never consideredmyself particularly vain; I've never considered myselfas being in top physical conditionof course, thatwas before I arrived in Jahk.
Every being I could see was extremely off-weighteither over or under. If a specific individual wasn'tribs-protruding thin to the point of looking brittle,he was laboring along under vast folds of fat whichbunched and bulged at waist, chin and all fourcheeks. Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself toalter Tananda or myself to look like these wretched specimens.
My second problem was that I couldn't concentrate, anyway. Disguise spells, like any other magik,require a certain amount of concentration. In thepast I've been able to cast spells in the heat of battleor embarrassment. In our current situation I couldn'tseem to get my mind focused.
You see there was this songwell, I think it was asong. Anyway the crowd acted like it was singing arhythmic chant; the chant was incredibly catchy.Even in the short time we'd been there I'd almostmastered the lyricswhich is a tribute to the infectious nature of the song rather than any indication ofmy ability to learn lyrics. The point is that every timeI tried concentrating on our disguises, I found myselfsinging along with the chant instead. Terrific!
"Any time you're ready, handsome."
"What's that, Tananda?"
"The disguises," she prompted, glancing about
MYTH DIRECTIONS 27
nervously. "The spell will work better when youaren't humming."
"Ier, urnI can't seem to find two good
models," I alibi'd lamely.
"Are you having trouble counting up to two all ofa sudden?" she scowled. "By my count you've got awhole parkful of models."
"But none I want to look likewant us to look
like," I amended quickly.
"Check me on this," Tananda said, pursing her
lips. "Two days ago you disguised us as a pair ofslimy slugs, right?"
"Yes, but"
"And before that as eight-legged dogs?"
"Well, yes, but"
"And you never complained about how you
looked in your disguise then, right?"
"That was different," I protested.
"How? "she challenged.
"Those werewell, things! These are humanoids
and I know what humanoids should look like."
"What they should look like isn't important," myguide argued. "What matters is what they do looklike. We've got to blend with the crowdand thesooner the better."
"But" I began.
"Because if we don't," she continued sternly,
"we're going to run into someone who's both soberand unpreoccupiedwhich will give us the choice between being guest-of-honor at the next bonfire theylight or skipping this dimension before you've hadanything to eat."
"I'll try again," I sighed, scanning the crowd oncemore.
In a desperate effort to comply with Tananda'sorder, I studied the first two individuals my eyes fellon, then concentrated on duplicating their appear-28 Robert Asprin ance without really considering how they looked.
"Not bad," Tananda commented dryly, surveying
her new body. "Of course, I always thought I lookedbetter as a woman."
"You want a disguise, you get a disguise," I grumbled.
"Hey, handsome," my once-curvaceous comrade
breathed, laying a soft, but hairy, hand on my arm."Relax, we're on the same side. Remember?"
My anger melted away at her touchas always.
Maybe someday I'll develop an immunity to Tananda's charms. Until then I'll just enjoy them."Sorry, Tanda," I apologized. "Didn't mean to snap at youlog it off to hunger."
"That's right," she exclaimed, clicking her fingers, "we're supposed to be finding you some food.It completely slipped my mind again what with thisracket going on. C'mon, let's see what the blue-platespecial is today."
Finding a place to eat turned out to be more of atask than either of us anticipated. Most of the restaurants we came across were either closed or only serv-ing drinks. I half-expected Tananda to suggest thatwe drink our meal, but mercifully that possibilitywasn't mentioned.
We finally located a little sidewalk cafe down anarrow street and elbowed our way to a small table,ignoring the glares of our fellow diners. Service wasslow, but my companion sped things up a bit byemptying the contents of one of our pouches onto thetabletop thus attracting the waiter's attention. Inshort order we were presented with two bowls ofsteaming whatever. I didn't even try to identify thevarious lumps and crunchies. It smelled good andtasted better and after several days of enforcedfasting, that was all that mattered to me. I gluttedmyself and was well into my second bowl by the timeTananda finished her first. Pushing the empty dish MYTH DIRECTIONS 29
away she began to study the crowd on the street withgrowing interest.
"Have you figured out yet what's going on?" sheasked.
"Murppg!" I replied through a mouthful of food.
"Hmmm?" she frowned.
"I can't tell for sure," I said, swallowing hard."Everybody's happy because they won something,but darned if I can hear what they won."
"Well," Tananda shrugged. "I warned you they
were weird."
Just then the clamor in the streets soared to newheights, drowning out any efforts at individual conversation. Craning our necks in an effort to locatethe source of the disturbance, we beheld a strangephenomenon. A wall-to-wall mob of people was marching down the street, chanting in unison andsweeping along, or trampling, any smaller groups itencountered. Rather than expressing anger or resent-ment at this intrusion, the people around us werejumping up and down and cheering, hugging eachother with tears of pure joy in their eyes. The focusof everyone's attention seemed to be sitting on a litterborne aloft by the stalwarts at the head of the crowd.I was fortunate enough to get a look at it as it passedbyfortunate in that I could see it without having tomove. The crowds were such that I couldn't move ifI'd wanted to, so it was just as well that it passedclose by.
To say they carried a statue would be insufficient.It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life andthat included everything I'd just seen on this trip withTananda. It was small, roughly twice the size of myhead, and depicted a large, four-legged toad holdinga huge eyeball in its mouth. Along its back, insteadof warts, were the torsos, heads and arms of tinyJahks intertwined in truly grotesque eroticism. Thesefigures were covered with the warty protrusions one 30 Robert Asprin
would expect to have found on the toad itself. As acrowning touch, the entire thing had a mottled goldfinish which gave the illusion of splotches crawlingback and forth on the surface.
I was totally repulsed by the statue, but it was obvious the crowd around me did not share these feelings. They swept forward in a single wave, joiningthe mob and adding their voices to the chant whichcould still be heard long after the procession hadvanished from sight. Finally we were left in relativequiet on a street deserted save for a few randombodies of those not swift enough to either join orevade the mob.
"Well," I said casually, clearing my throat. "Iguess we know what they won, now. Right?"
There was no immediate response. I shot a sharpglance at my companion and found her staring downthe street after the procession.
"Tanda," I repeated, slightly concerned.
"That's it," she said with sudden, impish glee.
"That's what? "I blinked.
"Aahz's birthday present," she proclaimed.
I peered down the street, wondering what she waslooking at. "What is?" I asked.
"That statue," she said firmly.
"That statue?" I cried, unable to hide my horror.
"Of course," she nodded, "it's perfect. Aahz willhave never seen one, much less owned one."
"How do you figure that?" I pressed.
"It's obviously one-of-a-kind," she explained. "Imean, who could make something like that twice?"
She had me there, but I wasn't about to give up thefight. "There's just one little problem. I'm no experton psychology, but if that pack we just saw is any de-cent sample, I don't think the folks around here aregoing to be willing to sell us their pretty statue."
"Of course not, silly," she laughed, turning to her
MYTH DIRECTIONS 31
food again. "That's what makes it priceless. I neverplanned to buy Aahz's present."
"But if it isn't for sale. how do we get it?" Ifrowned, fearing the answer.
Tananda choked suddenly on her food. It took mea moment to realize she was laughing. "Oh,
Skeeve," she gasped at last, "you're such a kidder."
"I am?" I blinked.
"Sure," she insisted, looking deep into my eyes."Why do you think it was so important for you tocome along on this trip. I mean, you've always saidyou wanted to be a thief."
"Nothing is impossible. Anything can
be accomplished with proper preparation and planning."
PONCEDELEON
IT was roughly twelve hours later, the start of a newday. We were still in Jahk. I was still protesting. Atthe very least, I was sure this latest madcap projectwas not in line with Aahz's instructions to stay out oftrouble.
Tananda, on the other hand, insisted that it wouldnot be any troubleor it might not be any trouble.We wouldn't know for sure until we saw what kindof security the locals had on the statue. In the meantime, why assume the worst?
I took her advice. I assumed the best. I assumedthe security would be impenetrable and that we'dgive the whole idea up as a lost cause.
So it was, with different but equally high hopes, weset out in search of the statue.
The town was deathly still in the early morninglight. Apparently everyone was sleeping off the priornight's festivitieswhich seemed a reasonable pas-32
MYTH DIRECTIONS 33
time, all things considered.
We did manage to find one open restaurant, however. The owner was wearily shoveling out the rubbleleft by the celebrating crowds, and grudgingly agreedto serve us breakfast.
I had insisted on this before setting out. I mean,worried or not. it takes more than one solid meal tocounterbalance the effects of a threeday stretchwithout food.
"So," I declared once we were settled at the table."How do we go about locating the statue?"
"Easy," Tananda winked. "I'll ask our host a fewsubtle questions when he serves our food."
As if summoned by her words, the owner appearedwith two steaming plates of food, which he ploppedon the table in front of us with an unceremoniousklunk.
"Thanks," I nodded, and was answered with an
unenthusiastic grunt.
"Say, could we ask you a couple questions?"
Tananda purred.
"Such as?" the man responded listlessly.
"Such as where do they keep the statue?" she
asked bluntly.
I choked on my food. Tananda's idea of interroga-tion is about as subtle as a flogging. I keep forgettingshe's a long standing drinking partner of Aahz's.
"The statue?" our host frowned.
"The one that was being carried up and down thestreets yesterday," Tananda clarified easily.
"Oh! You mean the Trophy,19 the man laughed.
"Statue. Hey, that's a good one. You two must benew in town."
"You might say that," I confirmed dryly. I hadnever been that fond of being laughed atparticu-larly early in the morning.
"Statue, trophy, what's the difference," Tanandashrugged. "Where is it kept?"
34 Robert Asprin
"It's on public display in the Trophy Building, ofcourse," the owner informed us. "If you want to seeit, you'd best get started early. After five years,everyone in the city's going to be showing up for alook-see."
"How far is it to" Tananda began, but I interrupted her.
"You have a whole building for trophies?" I askedwith forced casualness. "How many trophies arethere?"
"Just the one," our host announced. "We put upa building especially for it. You two must really benew not to know that."
"Just got in yesterday," I confirmed. "Just toshow you how new we are, we don't even know whatthe trophy's for."
"For?" the man gaped. "Why, it's for winning theBig Game, of course."
"What big game?"
The question slipped out before I thought. It burstupon the conversation like a bombshell, and our hostactually gave ground a step in astonishment. Tananda nudged my foot warningly under the table, butI had already realized I had made a major blunder.
"I can see we have a lot to learn about your city,friend," I acknowledged smoothly. "If you have thetime, we'd appreciate your joining us in a glass ofwine. I'd like to hear more about this Big Game."
"Say, that's nice of you," our host declared,
brightening noticeably. "Wait right here. I'll fetchthe wine."
"What was that all about?" Tananda hissed as
soon as he had moved out of earshot.
"I'm after some information," I retorted. "Specifically, about the Trophy."
"I know that," she snapped. "The question is
'Why?' "
"As a thief," I explained loftily, "I feel I should
MYTH DIRECTIONS 35
know as much as possible about what I'm trying tosteal."
"Who ever told you that?" Tananda frowned.
"All you want to know about a target item is how bigit is, how heavy it is, and what it will sell for. Thenyou study the security protecting it. Learning a lotabout the item itself is a handicap, not an advantage."
"How do you figure that?" I asked, my curiosityaroused in spite of myself.
My companion rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Because it'll make you feel guilty," she explained. "When you find out how emotionally attached the current owner is to the item, or that he'llbe bankrupt without it, or that he'll be killed if it'sstolen, then you'll be reluctant to take it. When youactually make your move, guilt can make you hesitate, and hesitant thieves either end up in jail ordead."
I was going to pursue the subject further, but ourhost chose that moment to rejoin us. Balancing a bot-tle and three glasses in his hands, he hooked an extrachair over to our table with his foot.
"Here we go," he announced, depositing his loadin front of us. "The best in the houseor the bestthat's left after the celebrations. You know how thatis. No matter how much you stock in advance, it'snever enough."
"No, we don't know," I corrected. "I was hopingyou could tell us."
"That's right," he nodded, filling the glasses."You know I still can't believe how little you knowabout politics."
"Politics?" I blinked. "What does the Big Gamehave to do with politics?"
"It has everything to do with politics," our hostproclaimed mightily. "That's the point. Don't yousee?"
36 Robert Asprin
"No," I admitted bluntly.
The man sighed.
"Look," he said, "this land has two potential capitals. One is Veygus, and this one, as you know, isTa-hoe."
I hadn't known it, but it seemed unwise to admitmy ignorance. I'm slow, but not dumb.
"Since there can only be one capital at any giventime," our host continued, "the two cities competefor the privilege each year. The winner is the capitaland gets to be the center of government for the nextyear. The Trophy is the symbol of that power, andVeygus has had it for the last five years. Yesterday wefinally won it back."
"You mean the Big Game decides who's going to
run the land?" I exclaimed, realization dawning atlast. "Excuse my asking, but isn't that a bit silly?"
"No sillier than any other means of selecting governmental leadership," the man countered, shrugging his bony shoulders. "It sure beats going to war.Do you think it's a coincidence that we've been playing the game for five hundred years and there hasn'tbeen a civil war in that entire time?"
"But if the Big Game has replaced civil war, thenwhat" I began, but Tananda interrupted.
"I hate to interrupt," she interrupted, "but ifwe're going to beat the crowds, we'd better get going.Where did you say the Trophy Building was, again?"
"One block up and six blocks to the left," our hostsupplied. "You'll know it by the crowds. I'll set therest of the bottle aside and we can finish it afteryou've seen the Trophy."
"We'd appreciate that," Tananda smiled, payinghim for our meal.
Apparently she had succeeded in using the rightcurrency, for the owner accepted it without battingan eye and waved a fond farewell as we started off.
"I was hoping to find out more about this Big
MYTH DIRECTIONS 37
Game," I grumbled as we passed out of earshot.
"No, you weren't," my guide corrected.
"I wasn't? "I frowned.
"No. You were getting involved," she pointed out."We're here to get a birthday present, not to get embroiled in local politics."
"I wasn't getting involved," I protested. "I wasjust trying to get a little information."
Tananda sighed heavily.
"Look, Skeeve," she said, "take some advice
from an old dimension traveler. Too much information is poison. Every dimension has its problems, andif you start learning the gruesome details, it occurs toyou how simple it would be to help out. Once you seea problem and a solution, you feel almost obligatedto meddle. That always leads to trouble, and we'resupposed to be avoiding trouble this trip, remember?"
I almost pointed out the irony of her advising meto avoid trouble while en route to engineer a theft.Then it occurred to me that if the theft didn't botherher, but local politics did, I might be wise to heed heradvice. As I've said, I'm slow, but not dumb.
As predicted, the Trophy Building was crowded
despite the early hour. As we approached, I marveledanew at the physique of the nativesor specifically,the lack thereof.
Tananda did not seem to share my fascination withthe natives, and threaded her way nimbly through thethrong, leaving me to follow behind. There was noorganized line, and by the time we got through one ofthe numerous doors, the throng was thick enough toimpede our progress. Tananda continued making herway closer to the Trophy, but I stopped just insidethe door. My advantage of height gave me a clearview of the Trophy from where I was.
If anything, it was uglier seen plainly than it hadbeen viewed from a distance.
38 Robert Asprin
"Isn't it magnificent?" the woman standing nextto me sighed.
It took me a moment to realize she was speaking tome. My disguise made me look shorter, and she wastalking to my chest.
"I've never seen anything like it," I agreed lamely.
"Of course not," she frowned. "It's the last workdone by the great sculptor Watgit before he wentmad."
It occurred to me that the statue might have beendone after he went mad. Then it occurred to me thatit might have driven him madespecially if he hadbeen working from a live model. I became so lost inthe horrible thought that I started nervously whenTananda reappeared at my side and touched my arm.
"Let's go, handsome," she murmured. "I've seenenough."
The brevity of her inspection gave me hope.
"There's no hope, eh?" I sighed dramatically.
"Gee, that's tough. I had really been looking forward to testing my skills."
"That's good," she purred, taking my arm.
"Because I think I see a way we can pull this caperoff."
I wasn't sure what a caper was, but I was certainthat once I found out I wouldn't like it. I was right.
"Now you see it, now you don't."
H. SHADOWSPAWN
"ARE you positive therewas no lock on the door?" Iasked for the twenty-third time.
"Keep it down," Tananda hissed, laying a soft
hand on my lips, though none too gently. "Do youwant to wake everybody?"
She had a point. We were crouched in an alley
across from the Trophy Building, and as the wholeidea of our waiting was to be sure everyone wasasleep, it was counterproductive to make so muchnoise we kept them awake. Still, I had questions Iwanted answered.
"You're sure? " I asked again in a whisper.
"Yes, I'm sure," Tananda sighed. "You could
have seen for yourself if you had looked."
"I was busy looking at the statue," I admitted."Uh-huh," my partner snorted. "Remember what
I said about getting over-involved with the target?You were supposed to be checking security, not playing art connoisseur."
39
40 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS
41
"Well, I don't like it," I declared suspiciously,eager to get the conversation off my shortcomings."It's too easy. I can't believe they'd leave somethingthey prize as highly as that Trophy in an unlocked,unguarded building."
"There are a couple things you've overlooked,"Tanda chided. "First of all, that statue's one of akind. That means any thief who stole it would havesome real problems trying to sell it again. If he evenshowed it to anyone here in Ta-hoe, they'd probablyrip his arms off."
"He could hold it for ransom," I pointed out.
"Hey, that's pretty good," my guide exclaimed
softly, nudging me in the ribs. "We'll make a thief ofyou yet! However, that brings us to the second thingyou overlooked."
"Which is?"
"It's not unguarded," she smiled.
"But you said" I began.
"Sshh!" she cautioned. "I said there would be noguards in the building with the Trophy."
I closed my eyes and regained control of my
nerves, particularly those influenced by blind panic.
"Tanda," I said gently. "Don't you think it's
about time you shared some of the details of yourmaster plan with me?"
"Sure, handsome," she responded, slipping an
arm around my waist. "I didn't think you were interested."
I resisted an impulse to throttle her.
"Just tell me," I urged. "First off, what is the security on the Trophy."
"Well," she said, tapping her chin with one finger,"as I said, there are no guards in the building. Thereis, however, a silent alarm that will summon guards.It's triggered by the nightingale floor."
"The what?" I interrupted.
"The nightingale floor," she repeated. "It's a
fairly common trick throughout the dimensions. Thewooden floor around the Trophy is riddled with deliberately loosened boards that creak when you stepon them. In this case, they not only creak, they tripan alarm."
"Wonderful!" I grimaced. "So we can't set footin the room we're supposed to steal something outof. Anything else?"
I was speaking sarcastically, but Tananda took meseriously.
"Just the magikal wards around the statue itself,"she shrugged.
"Magikal wards?" I gulped. "You mean there's
magik in this dimension?"
"Of course there is," Tananda smiled. "You're
here."
"I didn't set any wards," I exclaimed.
"That wasn't what I meant," Tanda chided.
"Look, you tapped into the magikal force lines to disguise us. That means there's magik here for anyonetrained to use itnot just us, anyone. Even if noneof the locals are adept, there's nothing stoppingsomeone from another dimension from dropping inand using what's here."
"Okay, okay," I sighed. "I guess I wasn't thinking. I guess the next question is, how are we supposedto beat the funny floor and the wards?"
"Easy," she grinned. "The wards are sloppy.
Someone set up a fence instead of a dome when theycast the wards. All you have to do is levitate theTrophy over the wards and float it across the floorinto our waiting arms. We never even have to set footin the room."
"Whoa!" I cautioned, holding up a hand.
"There's one problem with that. I can't do it."
"You can't?" she blinked. "I thought levitationwas one of your strongest spells."
"It is," I conceded. "But that statue's heavy. I
42 Robert Asprin
couldn't levitate it from a distance. It has somethingto do with what Aahz calls leverage. I'd have to beclose, practically standing on top of it."
"Okay," she said at last. "We'll just have to
switch to Plan B."
"You have a Plan B?" I asked, genuinely impressed.
"Sure," she grinned. "I just made it up. You canfly us both across th& floor and over the wards. Thenwe latch onto the Trophy and fly back to Klah frominside the wards."
"I don't know," I frowned.
"Now what's wrong?" my guide scowled.
"Well, flying's a form of levitation," I explained."I've never tried flying myself and someone else, andeven if I can do it, we'll be pushing down on the flooras hard as if we were walking on it. It might set thealarm off."
"If I understand flying," Tanda pondered, "ourweight would be more dispersed than if we werewalking, but you're right. There's no point in takingthe extra risk of flying us both across the floor."
She snapped her fingers suddenly.
"Okay. Here's what we'll do," she exclaimed,
leaning forward. "You fly across to the Trophyalone while I wait by the door. Then, when you're inplace, you can use the D-Hopper to bring yourselfand the Trophy back to Klah, while I blip backmagikally."
For some reason, the thought of dividing our
forces in the middle of a theft bothered me.
"Say... um, Tanda," I said, "it occurs to me thateven if we set off the alarm, we would be long goneby the time the guards arrived. I mean, if theyhaven't had war for over five hundred years, they'rebound to be a little sloppy turning out."
"No," Tananda countered firmly. "If we've got away to completely avoid alerting the guards, we'll
MYTH DIRECTIONS
43
take it. I promised Aahz to keep you out of trouble,and that means"
She broke off suddenly, staring across the street."What is it?" I hissed, craning my neck for a bet-ter look.
In response, she pointed silently at the darkenedTrophy Building.
A group of a dozen cloaked figures had appearedfrom the shadows beside the building. They lookedbriefly up and down the street, then turned and disappeared into the building.
"I thought you said there wouldn't be any guardsin the building!" I whispered frantically.
"I don't understand it," Tananda murmured,
more to herself than to me. "It's not laid out for aguard force."
"But if there are guards, we can't" I began, butTananda silenced me with a hand on my arm.
The group had reemerged from the building. Mov-ing more slowly than when we had first seen them,they edged their way back into the shadows andvanished from sight.
"That's a relief," Tananda declared, letting out apent-up breath. "It's just a pack of drunks sneakingan after-hours look at the Trophy."
"They didn't act like drunks," I commented
doubtfully.
"C'mon, handsome," my guide declared, clappinga hand on my shoulder. "It's time we got this showon the road. Follow me."
Needless to say, I didn't want to go, but I was evenmore reluctant to be left behind. This left me nochoice but to follow as she headed across the street.As I went, though, I took the precaution of fumblingout my D-Hopper. I didn't like the feel of this, andwanted to be sure my exit route was at hand in case oftrouble.
"In you go.'" Tananda ordered, holding the door
44 Robert Asprin
open. "Be sure to sing out when you're in position. Iwant to be there to see Aahz's face when you givehim the Trophy."
"I can't see anything," I protested, peering intothe dark building.
"Of course not!" Tananda snapped. "It's dark.
You know where the Trophy is, though, so get
going."
At her insistence, I reached out with my mind andpushed gently against the floor. As had happened ahundred times in practice, I lifted free and began tofloat toward the estimated position of the statue.
As I went, it occurred to me I had neglected to askTananda how high the wards extended. I consideredgoing back or calling to her, but decided against it.Noise would be dangerous, and time was precious. Iwanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Instead, I freed part of my mind from the task of flyingand cast about in front of me, seeking the tell-taleaura of the magikal wards. There were none.
"Tanda!" I hissed, speaking before I thought.
' 'The wards are down!"
"Impossible," came her response from the door."You must be in the wrong spot. Check again."
I tried again, casting about the full extent of theroom. Nothing. As I peered about, I realized my eyeswere acclimating to the darkness.
"There are no wards," I called softly. "I'm rightover the pedestal and there are no wards."
Something was tugging at my consciousness.
Something I had seen was terribly wrong, but my attention was occupied scanning for the wards.
"If you're over the pedestal," Tananda called,"then drop down and get the Trophy. And hurry! Ithink I hear someone coming."
I lowered myself to the floor, gently as I remembered the creaky boards, and turned to the pedestal.Then it burst upon me what was wrong.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 45
"It's gone! "I cried.
"What?" Tananda gasped, her silhouette appear-ing in the doorway.
"The Trophy! It's gone!" I exclaimed, running myhands over the vacant pedestal.
"Get out, Skeeve," Tananda called, suddenly fullvolume.
I started for the door, but her voice stopped me.
"No! UsetheD-Hopper. Now!"
My thumb went to the activator button on the
device I had been clutching, but I hesitated.
"What about you?" I called. "Aren't you coming?"
"After you're gone," she insisted. "Now get
go-"
Something came flying out of the dark and struckher silhouette. She went down in a boneless heap.
"Tanda!" I shouted, starting forward.
Suddenly the doorway was filled with short silhouettes swarming all over Tananda's prone form.
I wavered for a moment in indecision.
"There's another one inside!" someone called.
So much for indecision. I hit the button.
There was the now familiar rush of darkness . . .and I was back in my quarters on Klah.
Aahz was seated at a table with his back to me, buthe must have heard the KAMF of my arrival.
"It's about time!" he growled. "Did you enjoy
your little"
He broke off as he turned and his eyes took in theexpression on my face.
"Aahz," I cried, stumbling forward. "We're in
trouble."
His fist came down in a crash which splintered thetable.
"I knew it!" he snarled.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 47
"A friend in need is a pest."
-FAFHRD
"Now let's see if I've got this straight," Aahz grumbled, pacing the length of the room. "You got awaywithout a scratch, but Tanda got caught. Right?"
"I couldn't help it!" I moaned, shaking my head."They were all over her and you said"
"I know, I know," my mentor waved. "You did
the right thing. I'm just trying to get a clear picture ofthe situation. You're sure this was in Jahk? Theweird dimension with the short, pale guys? Skinny or overweight?"
"That's right," I confirmed. "Do you know it?""I've heard of it," Aahz shrugged, "but I've never
gotten around to visiting. It's talked around a bit on
the gambling circuit."
"Must be because of the Big Game," I suggested
brightly.
"What I can't figure," Aahz mused, ignoring mycomments, "is what you two were doing there."
46
"Urn ... it was sort of because of me," I admittedin a small voice.
"You?" Aahz blinked, halting his pacing to stareat me. "Who told you about Jahk?"
"No one," I clarified hastily. "It wasn't that Iasked to go to Jahk specifically. I was hungry, andTanda said Jahk was the closest dimension where Icould find something to eat."
"I know how that is," my mentor grimaced. "Eat-ing is always a problem when you're traveling thedimensionseven the humanoid ones."
"It's even rougher when you aren't even visitinghumanoid dimensions," I agreed.
"Is that a fact?" Aahz murmured, eyeing me suspiciously. "Which dimensions did you visit, any-way?"
"Um ... I can't remember all the names," I
evaded. "Tandaumfelt there would be less
chance of trouble in some of the out of the waydimensions."
"What did the natives look like?" Aahz pressed.
"Aren't we getting off the subject?" I asked
desperately. "The real issue is Tanda."
Surprisingly, the ploy worked.
"You're right, kid," Aahz sighed. "Okay. I wantyou to think hard. You're sure you don't know whojumped her or why?"
My conversational gambit had backfired. The
question placed me in a real dilemma. On the onehand, I couldn't expect Aahz to come up with arescue plan unless he knew the full situation. On theother, I wasn't particularly eager to admit what wewere doing when Tananda was captured.
"Um ..." I said, avoiding his eyes. "I think I canremember a few things about those other dimensionsafter all. There was one where ..."
"Wait a minute," Aahz interrupted. "You were
the one who said we should focus on Tanda's prob---
48 Robert Asprin
lem. Now don't go straying off..."
He stopped in mid-sentence to examine me closely."You're holding out on me, kid," he announced in acold voice that allowed no room for argument.
"Now give! What haven't you told me about thisdisaster?"
His words hung expectantly in the air, and it occurred to me I couldn't stall any longer.
"Well..." I began, clearing my throat. "I'm notsure, but I think the ones who grabbed Tanda werethe city guardsmen."
"Guardsmen?" Aahz frowned. "Why would they
want to put the grab on Tanda? All you were doingwas getting a bite to eat and maybe a little shopping."
I didn't answer, taking a sudden interest in studying my feet in close detail.
"That is all you were doing, wasn't it?"
I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come.
"What were you doing?" Aahz growled. "Come
on. Out with it. I should have known it wasn't just... Hey! You didn't kill anyone, did you?"
Strong hands closed on my shoulders and my headwas tossed about by a none too gentle shaking.
"We didn't kill anyone!" I shouted, the processdifficult because my jaw was moving in a differentdirection than my tongue. "We were just stealing ... "
"Stealing!?!"
The hands on my shoulders released their grip sofast I fell to the floor. Fortunately, I had the presenceof mind to break my fall with my rump.
"I don't believe it! Stealing!" Aahz made his ap-peal to the ceiling. "All this because you tried to stealsomething."
My rump hurt, but I had other more pressing matters to deal with. I was desperately trying to phrase
MYTH DIRECTIONS 49
my explanation when I realized with some astonishment that Aahz was laughing.
"Stealing!" he repeated. "You know, you reallyhad me going for a minute there, kid. Stealing! And Ithought it was something important."
"You mean, you aren't mad?" I asked incredulously.
"Mad? Naw!" he proclaimed. "Like the old saying goes, 'you can take the boy out of thieving' . . .Heck! Most demons are thieves. It's the only way toget something if you don't have any native coinage."
"I thought you'd really be upset," I stammered,still unwilling to believe my good fortune.
"Now, don't get me wrong, kid," my mentor
amended sternly, "I'm not overjoyed with your venture into thievery. You're supposed to be studyingmagik . . . the kind that will get you a raise as a courtmagician, not the kind that ends up with you runningdown a dark alley. Still, all things considered, youcould have done a lot worse on your first solo tripthrough the dimension."
"Gee, thanks, Aahz," I beamed.
"So, let's see it," he smiled, extending a palm.
"See what? "I blinked.
"What you stole," he insisted. "If you came heredirect from the scene of the crime, I assume you stillhave it with you."
"Umm . . . actually," I gulped, avoiding his eyesagain. "Ithat is, we didn't get it. It's still back inJahk somewhere."
"You mean to say you went through all this hassle,got Tanda captured, and came running back herewith your tail between your legs, and you didn't evenbother to pick up what you were trying to steal?"
The storm clouds were back in Aahz's face. I
realized I was on the brink of being in trouble again.
"But you said ..." I protested.
50 Robert Asprin
"I know you aren't supposed to be a thief!" mymentor roared. "But once you set your hand to it, Iexpect you to at least be a successful thief! To thinkan apprentice of mine can't even put together aworkable plan..."
"It was Tanda's plan," I offered weakly.
"It was?" Aahz seemed slightly mollified. "Well,you should have checked it over yourself before youjoined in."
"I did," I protested. "As far as I can tell it shouldhave worked."
"Oh, really?" came the sarcastic reply. "All right.Why don't you tell me all about this plan that didn'twork after you okayed it."
He dragged up a chair and sat in front of me, leaving me little option but to narrate the whole story. Iwent over the whole thing for him; the plan, thenightingale floor, the magik wards, everythingex-cept what we were trying to steal, and why. By thetime I had finished, his jeering smile had faded to athoughtful frown.
"You're right, kid," he admitted at last. "It
should have worked. The only thing I can figure isthat they moved your target somewhere else forsafekeepingbut that doesn't make sense. I mean,why would they set up all the security arrangements ifthe target was going to be kept somewhere else? Andthat group hanging around the building before youwent in sounds a bit suspicious."
He thought for a few more minutes, then sighedand shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well," he proclaimed. "Nobody wins all the time. It didn't workand that's that. C'mon, kid. Let's get some sleep."
"Sleep?" I gasped. "What about Tanda?"
"What about her?" Aahz frowned.
"They're holding her prisoner in Jahk!" I exclaimed. "Aren't we going to try to rescue her?"
"Oh, that!" my mentor laughed. "Don't worry
MYTH DIRECTIONS 51
about her. She'll be along on her own in a littlewhile."
"But they're holding her prisoner!" I insisted.
"You think so?" Aahz grinned. "Stop and think aminute, kid. How are they going to hold her? Remember, she can hop dimensions any time she wants.The only reason she didn't come back at the sametime you did is that she got knocked cold. As soon asshe wakes up, she'll be back. Mark my words."
Something about his logic didn't ring true, but Icouldn't put my finger on it.
"What if they execute her before she wakes up?" Iasked.
"Execute her-?" Aahz frowned. "For what? The
heist didn't work, so they've still got their whatever.I can't see anyone getting upset enough to have herexecuted."
"I dunnp, Aahz," I said. "The whole city seemedpretty worked up over the Trophy, and ..."
"Trophy?" Aahz interrupted. "You mean the
Trophy from the Big Game? What does that have todo with anything?"
"That's . . . um, that's what we were trying tosteal," I explained.
"The Trophy?" Aahz exclaimed. "You two didn't
aim small, did you? What did you want withno, onsecond thought don't tell me. That woman's logicalways makes my head hurt."
"But now you see why I'm afraid they might
execute her," I pressed, secretly relieved at not hav-ing to disclose the motive for our theft.
"It's a possibility," Aahz admitted, "but I stillthink they'd let her wake up first. Public trials aredramatic, especially for something as big as trying tosteal the Big Game Trophy. Heck, Tanda's enoughof a sport that she might even stick around for thetrial before popping back here."
"You really think so?" I pressed.
52 Robert Asprin
"I'm sure of it," Aahz declared confidently.
"Now let's get some sleep. It sounds like it's been along day for you."
I grudgingly retired to my bed, but I didn't go tosleep immediately. There was still something eludingmy mental graspsomething important. As I lay there, my mind began wandering back over my
tripthe sights, the smells, the strange beings ...
"Aahz!" I shouted, bolting upright. "Aahz!
Wake up!"
"What is it?" my mentor growled sleepily, struggling to rise.
"I just remembered! I was handling our disguisesfor the whole trip."
"So what?" Aahz growled. "It's good practice foryou,but..."
"Don't you see?" I insisted. "If I'm here and
Tanda's unconscious in Jahk, then she hasn't got adisguise! They'll be able to see she isn't one of themthat she's a demon!"
There was a frozen moment of silence, then Aahzwas on his feet, looming over me.
"Don't just sit there, kid," he growled. "Get theD-Hopper. We're going to Jahk!"
"Once more into the breach..."
ZARNA, THE HUMAN CANNONBALL
FORTUNATELY, there was a setting for Jahk on ourD-Hopper though Aahz had to search a bit to find it.
I wanted to go armed to the teeth, but my mentorvetoed the plan. Under cross-examination I had hadto admit that I hadn't seen anyone in that dimensionwearing arms openly except the city guards, and thatwas that. My ability to disguise things was weakwhen it came to metal objects, and swords and kniveswould have made us awfully conspicuous walkingdown the street. As Aahz pointed out, the one timeyou don't want to wear weapons is when they'remore likely to get you into trouble than out of it.
I hate it when Aahz makes sense.
Anyway, aside from a few such minor squabbles
and disputes, our departure from Klah and our sub-sequent arrival at Jahk was smooth and uneventful.In hindsight, I realize that was the last thing to goright for some time.
53
54 Robert Asprin
"Well, kid," Aahz exclaimed, looking about himeagerly, "where do we go?"
"I don't know," I admitted, scanning the horizon.
Aahz frowned. "Let me run this by you slowly,"he sighed. "You've been here before, and I haven't.Now, even your limited brain should realize that thatmakes you the logical guide. Got it?"
"But I haven't been here before," I protested."Not here! When Tanda and I arrived, we were in apark in Ta-hoe!"
At the moment, Aahz and I were standing beside adirt road, surrounded by gently rolling meadows anda scattering of very strange trees. There wasn't evenan outhouse in sight, much less the booming metro-polis I had visited.
"Don't tell me, let me guess," Aahz whispered,shutting his eyes as if in pain. "Tanda handled yourtransport on the way in the first time. Right?"
"That's right," I nodded. "You made me promiseto keep the D-Hopper set for Klah, and...."
"I know, I know," my mentor waved impatiently."I must say, though, you pick the damnedest timesto be obedient. Okay! So the D-Hopper's set for adifferent drop zone than the one Tanda uses. We'lljust have to dig up a native guide to get us oriented."
"Terrific!" I grimaced. "And where are we supposed to find a native guide?"
"How about right over there?" Aahz smirked,
pointing.
I followed the line of his extended talon. Sureenough, not a stone's throw away was a small pondhuddled in the shade of a medium sized tree. Seated,leaning against the tree, was a young native. The onlything that puzzled me was that he was holding oneend of a short stick, and there was a string which ranfrom the stick's other end to the pond.
"What's he doing?" I asked suspiciously.
"From here, I'd say he's fishing," Aahz proclaimed.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 55
"Fishing? Like that?" I frowned. "Why doesn't
he just... "
"I'll explain later," my mentor interrupted.
"Right now we're trying to get directions to Ta-hoe.Remember?"
"That's right!" I nodded. "Let's go."
I started forward, only to be stopped short byAahz's heavy hand on my shoulder.
"Kid," he sighed, "aren't you forgetting something?"
"What? "I blinked.
"Our disguises, dummy," he snarled. "Your lazyold teacher would like to be able to ask our questionswithout chasing him all around the landscape for theanswers."
"Oh .'Right, Aahz."
Embarrassed by the oversight, I hastily did mydisguise bit, and together we approached the dozingnative.
"Excuse me, sir," I began, clearing my throat,"can you tell us the way to Ta-hoe?"
"What are you doing out here?" the youth
demanded, without opening his eyes. "Don't youknow the land between Veygus and Ta-hoe is a no-man's-land until the war's over?"
"What did he say?" Aahz scowled.
"What was that?" the youth asked, his eyes snapping open.
For a change, my mind grasped the situation instantly. I was still wearing my translator pendantfrom my travels with Tananda, but Aahz didn't haveone. That meant that while I could understand andbe understood by both Aahz and the native, neitherof them could decipher what the other was saying.Our disguise was in danger of being discovered by thefirst native we'd met on our rescue mission. Terrific.
"Umm. Excuse me a moment, sir," I stammered
at the youth.
Thinking fast, I removed the pendant from around
56 Robert Asprin
my neck and looped it over my arm. Aahz understood at once, and thrust his hand through the pendant, grasping my forearm with an iron grip. Thus,we were both able to utilize the power of the pendant.
Unfortunately, the native noticed this by-play. Hiseyes, which had opened at the sound of Aahz's voice,now widened to the point of popping out as he looked from one of us to the other.
"Fraternity initiation," Aahz explained con-spiratorially, winking at him.
"A what? "I blinked.
"Later, kid," my mentor mumbled tensely. "Get
the conversation going again."
"Right. Ummm ... what was that you were sayingabout a war?"
"I was saying you shouldn't be here," the youthreplied, regaining some of his bluster, but still eyeingthe pendant suspiciously. "Both sides have declaredthis area off-limits to civilians until after the war'sover."
"When did this war start?" I asked.
"Oh, it won't actually start for a week or so," thenative shrugged. "We haven't had a war for over fivehundred years and everyone's out of practice. It'lltake them a while to get readybut you still shouldn't be here."
"Well, what are you doing here?" Aahz challenged. "You don't look like a soldier to me."
"My dad's an officer," the youth yawned. "If aTa-hoer patrol finds me out here, I'll just tell 'emwho my father is and they'll keep their mouthsshut."
"What if a patrol from Veygus finds you?" I
asked curiously.
"The Veygans?" he laughed incredulously.
"They're even more unprepared than Ta-hoe is.
They haven't even got their uniforms designed yet,much less organized enough to send out patrols."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 57
"Well, we appreciate the information," Aahz announced. "Now if you'll just point out the way toTa-hoe, we'll get ourselves off your battlefield."
"The way to Ta-hoe?" the youth frowned. "You
don't know the way to Ta-hoe? That's strange."
"What's strange?" my mentor challenged. "So
we're new around here. So what?"
The youth eyed him passively.
"It's strange," he observed calmly, "because thatroad only runs between Veygus and Ta-hoe. Perhapsyou can explain how it is that you're traveling a roadwithout knowing either where you're going or whereyou're coming from?"
There was a moment of awkward silence, then I
withdrew my arm from the translator pendant.
"Well, Aahz," I sighed, "how do we talk our wayout of this one?"
"Put your arm back in the pendant," Aahz hissed."He's getting suspicious."
"He's already suspicious," I pointed out. "Thequestion is what do we do now?"
"Nothing to it," my mentor winked. "Just watchhowl handle this."
In spite of my worries, I found myself smiling ineager anticipation. Nobody can spin a lie like Aahzonce he gets rolling.
"The explanation is really quite simple," Aahzsmiled, turning to the youth. "You see, we're magicians who just dropped in from another world. Hav-ing just arrived here, we are naturally disoriented."
"My, what a clever alibi," I commented dryly.
Aahz favored me with a dirty look.
"As I was saying," he continued, "we have cometo offer our services to the glorious city of Ta-hoe forthe upcoming war."
It occurred to me that that last statement was alittle suspicious. I mean, we had clearly not knownabout the war at the beginning of this conversation.
58 Robert Asprin
Fortunately, the youth overlooked this minor detail.
"Magicians?" he smiled skeptically. "You don'tlook like magicians to me."
"Show him, kid," Aahz instructed.
"Show him? "I blinked.
"That's right," my mentor nodded. "Drop the
disguises, one at a time."
With a shrug, I slipped my arm back into the translator pendant and let my disguise fall away.
"I am Skeeve," I announced, "and this"I
dropped Aahz's disguise"is my friend and fellowmagician, Aahz."
The effect on the youth couldn't have been greaterif we had lit a fire under him. Dropping his pole, hesprang to his feet and began backing away until I wasafraid he'd topple into the pond. His eyes were widewith fright, and his mouth kept opening and shutting, though no sounds came forth.
"That's enough, kid," Aahz winked. "He's convinced."
I hastily reassembled the disguises, but it did littleto calm the youth.
"Not a bad illusion, eh, sport?" my mentor leeredat him.
"I ... I ..." the youth stammered. Then he
paused and set his lips. "Ta-hoe's that way."
"Thanks," I smiled. "We'll be on our way now."
"Not so fast, kid," Aahz waved. "What's your
name, son?"
"Griffin ... sir," the youth replied uneasily.
"Well, Griffin," Aahz smiled, "how would you
like to show us the way?"
"Why? "I asked bluntly.
"Wake up, kid," my mentor scowled. "We can't
just leave him here. He knows who and what we
are."
"I know," I commented archly. "You told him."
"... and besides," he continued as if I hadn't
MYTH DIRECTIONS 59
spoken, "he's our passport if we meet any Armypatrols."
"I'd rather not... " Griffin began.
"Of course," Aahz interrupted. "There is anotherpossibility. We could kill him here and now."
"I insist you let me escort you!" the youth proclaimed.
"Welcome, comrade!" I beamed.
"See, kid?" my mentor smiled, clapping me on theshoulder. "I told you you could settle things withoutmy help."
"Ummm . . . there is one thing, though," Griffincommented hesitantly.
"And that is ..." Aahz prompted.
"I hope you won't hold it against me if your services aren't accepted," the youth frowned.
"You doubt our powers?" my mentor scowled in
his most menacing manner.
"Oh, it's not that," Griffin explained quickly."It's just that.. . you see ... well, we already have amagician."
"Is that all?" Aahz laughed. "Just leave him tous."
When Aahz says "us" in regard to magik, he
means me. However bad things had gone so far, Ihad an uncomfortable foreboding they were going toget worse.
"War may be Hell. .. but it's good for
business!"
THE ASSOCIATION FOR
MERCHANTS, MANUFACTURERS,
AND MORTICIANS
TA-HOE was a beehive of activity when we arrived.Preparations for the upcoming war were in fullswing, and everybody was doing something. Surprisingly enough, most of the preparations were of anon-military nature.
"What is all this?" I asked our native guide.
"I told you," he explained. "We're getting readyfor a war with Veygus."
"This is getting ready for a war?" I said, gazing incredulously about.
"Sure," Griffin nodded. "Souvenirs don't make
themselves, you know."
There wasn't a spear or uniform in sight. Instead,the citizens were busily producing pennants, posters,and lightweight shirts with "Win the War" em-blazoned across them.
"It's the biggest thing to hit Ta-hoe in my lifetime," our guide confided. "I mean. Big Game sou---
60
MYTH DIRECTIONS 61
venirs are a stock item. If you design it right, you caneven hang on to any overstock and sell it the following year. This war thing caught everybody flat-footed. A lot of people are complaining that theyweren't given sufficient warning to cash in on it.There's a resolution before the council right now topostpone hostilities for another month. The folkswho deal in knitted hats and stadium blankets arebehind it. They claim that declaring war on suchshort notice will hurt their businesses by giving unfairadvantage to the merchants who handle stuff likebumper stickers and posters that can be cranked outin a hurry."
I couldn't understand most of what he was talkingabout, but Aahz was enthralled.
"These folks really know how to run a war!" hedeclared with undisguised enthusiasm. "Most dimensions make their war profits off munitions andweapons contracts. I'll tell you, kid, if we weren't insuch a hurry, I'd take notes."
It's a rare thing for Aahz to show admiration foranyone, much less a whole dimension, and I'd neverbefore heard him admit there was anything he couldlearn about making money. I found the phenomenonunnerving.
"Speaking of being in a hurry," I interjected,"would you mind telling me why we're on our way totalk to Ta-hoe's magician?"
"That's easy," my mentor smiled. "For the mostpart, magicians stick together. There's a loyalty toothers in the same line of work that transcends anynational or dimensional ties. With any luck, we canenlist his aid in springing Tanda loose."
"That's funny," I observed dryly. "The magiciansI've seen so far were usually at each other's throats. Igot the definite impression they'd like nothing betterthan to see competing magicians, and us specifically,expire on the spot."
62
Robert Asprin
MYTH DIRECTIONS 63
"There is that possibility," Aahz admitted, "butlook at it this way. If he won't help us, then he'llprobably be our major opponent and we'll want toget a fix on what he can and can't do before we makeour plans. Either way, we want to see him as soon aspossible."
You may have noticed Aahz's appraisals of a situation are usually far from reassuring. Some day Imight get used to that, but in the meantime I'm learning to operate in a constant state of blind panic.
For a moment, our path was blocked by a crowd
listening to a young rabble-rouser who spoke to themfrom atop a jury-rigged platform. As near as I couldmake out, they were protesting the war.
"I tell you, the council is withholding informationfrom us!"
A growl arose from the assemblage.
"As citizens of Ta-hoe, we have the right to knowthe facts about this war!"
The response was louder and more fevered.
"How are we supposed to set the odds for this war,much less bet intelligently, if we don't know thefacts?"
The crowd was nearing frenzied hysterics as wefinally edged past.
"Who are these people?" I asked.
"Bookies," Griffin shrugged. "The councii'd bet-ter watch its step. They're one of the strongest lobbies in Ta-hoe."
"I tell you, it's awe-inspiring," Aahz murmureddreamily.
"We've got to stand up for our rights! Demand thefacts!" the rabble-rouser was screaming. "We've gotto know the lineups, the battle plans, the... "
"They're barking up the wrong tree," Griffin
commented. "They haven't gotten the informationbecause the military hasn't devised a plan yet."
"Why don't you tell them?" I suggested.
Our guide cocked an eyebrow at me. "I thought
you were in a hurry to see the magician," he countered.
"Oh, that's right," I returned, a little embarrassedby the oversight.
"Say, Griffin," Aahz called. "I've been meaningto ask. What started the war, anyway?"
For the first time since we'd met him, our youthfulguide showed an emotion other than boredom or
fear.
"Those bastards from Veygus stole our Trophy,"he snarled angrily. "Now we're going to get it backor know the reason why."
For a change, I didn't need an elbow in the ribsfrom Aahz to remember to keep quiet. I got oneanyway.
"Stole your Trophy, eh?" my mentor commented
innocently. "Know how they did it?"
"A pack of 'em pulled a hit-and-run raid the dayafter the Big Game," Griffin proclaimed bitterly."They struck just after sundown and got away before the guardsmen could respond to the alarm."
The memory of the group entering and leaving theTrophy Building while Tananda and I waited flashedacross my mind. That explained a couple questionsthat had been bothering me, like "where did thestatue go?" and "how did the guards arrive so fast?"We hadn't triggered any alarms! The group fromVeygus hadinadvertently setting us up for the guards!
"I'd think you'd take better care of the Trophy, ifit means so much to you," Aahz suggested.
Griffin spun on him, and I thought for a minute hewas actually going to throw a punch. Then, at the lastmoment, he remembered that Aahz was a magicianand dropped his arms to his side. I heaved a quietsigh of relief. I mean, Aahz is strong! I was impressed with his strength in my own dimension of 64 Robert Asprin
Klah, and here on Jahk, / looked strong compared tothe natives. If Griffin had thrown a punch, Aahzwould have ripped him apart ... literally!
"Our security precautions on the Trophy were
more than adequate," our guide announced levelly,"under normal circumstances. The thieves had magikal assistance."
"Magikal assistance?" I said, finally drawn frommy silence.
"That's right." Griffin nodded vigorously. "Howelse could they have moved such a heavy statuebefore the guards arrived?"
"They could have done it without magik," Aahz
offered. "Say, if they had a lot of strong men on thejob."
"Normally, I'd agree with you," our guide admitted, "but in this case, we actually captured thedemon that helped them."
For a long moment there was silence. Neither Aahznor I wanted to ask the next question. We were afraidof what the answer might be. Finally, Aahz spoke."A demon, you say?" he asked, smiling his broad-est. "What happened to it?"
His tone was light and casual, but there was a glintin his eye I didn't like. I found myself in the uniqueposition of worrying about the fate of an entiredimension.
"The demon?" Griffin frowned. "Oh, the magician's holding it captive. Maybe he'll let you see itwhen you meet him."
"The magician? The one we're going to see?"
Aahz pressed. "He's got the demon?"
"That's right," our guide answered. "Why do youask?"
"Is she still unconscious?" I blurted.
The elbow from Aahz almost doubled me over thistime, but it was too late. Griffin had stopped in histracks and was studying me with a new intensity.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 65
"How did you know it was unconscious?" he
asked suspiciously. "And why do you refer to it asshe'?"
"I don't know," I covered smoothly. "Must havebeen something you said."
"I said we'd captured a demon," he argued, "nothow, and as far as its sex goes..."
"Look," Aahz interrupted harshly, "are we goingto stand around arguing all day, or are you going totake us to the magician?"
Griffin stared at us hard for a moment, then
shrugged his shoulders.
"We're here," he announced, pointing at a door inthe wall. "The magician lives there."
"Well, don't just stand there, son," Aahz barked."Knock on the door and announce us."
Our guide heaved a sigh of disgust', but obedientlywalked over and hammered on the indicated door.
"Aahz!" I hissed. "What are we going to say?"
"Leave it to me, kid," he murmured back. "I'lltry to feel him out a little, then we'll play it by earfrom there."
"What are we supposed to do with our ears?" I
frowned.
Aahz rolled his eyes. "Kid ..." he began.
Just then, the door opened, exposing a wizened oldman who blinked at the sunlight.
"Griffin!" he exclaimed. "What brings you
here?"
"Well, sir," our guide stammered, "Ithat is,
there are two gentlemen who want to speak with you.They say... Well, they're magicians."
The old man started at this and shot a sharp glancein our direction before he covered his reaction with afriendly smile.
"Magicians, you say! Well, come right in, gentlemen. Lad, I think you'd better wait outside here.Professional secrets and all that, you know."
66 Robert Asprin
"Urn . . . actually, I thought I'd be on my waynow," Griffin murmured uneasily.
"Wait here." There was steel in the old man's
voice now.
"Yes, sir," our guide gulped, licking his lips.
I tried to hide my nervousness as we followed themagician into his abode. I mean, aside from the factthat we didn't have the vaguest idea of this man'spower, and that we had no guarantee we'd ever getout of this place alive, I had nothing to worry about.Right?
"Aahz," I whispered. "Have you got a fix on thisguy yet?"
"It's a little early to say," my mentor replied sarcastically. "In the meantime, I've got a little assign-ment for you."
"Like what?" I asked.
"Like, check his aura. Now."
One of the first things I had learned from Aahzwas how to check auras, the field of magik aroundpeople or things. It seemed a strange thing to do justnow, but I complied, viewing our host with un-focused eyes.
"Aahz," I gasped. "He's got an aura! The man'sactually radiating magik. I can't do anything againstsomeone that powerful."
"It's possible there is another explanation, kid,"Aahz murmured. "He could be wearing a disguisespell like we are."
"Do you think so?" I asked hopefully.
"Well," my mentor drawled, "he's wearing a
translator pendant, the same as we are. That makesit a good bet that he's not from this dimension.Besides, there's something familiar about his voice."
Our conversation ground to a halt as we reachedour destination, a small room sparsely furnished witha large table surrounded by several chairs.
"If you'll be seated, gentlemen," our host said,
MYTH DIRECTIONS 67
gesturing to the chairs, "perhaps you'll be goodenough to tell me what it is you wish to speak to meabout."
"Not so fast," Aahz challenged, holding up a
hand. "We're used to knowing who we're dealingwith. Could you do us the courtesy of removing yourdisguise before we start?"
The magician averted his eyes and began to fidgetnervously. "You spotted it, eh?" he grumbled. "Itfigures. As you've probably guessed already, I'mrelatively new to this profession. Not in your class atall, if you know what I mean."
An immense wave of relief washed over me, but
Aahz remained skeptical.
"Just take off the disguise, huh?" he insisted.. "Oh, very well," our host sighed and began fumbling in his pocket.
We waited patiently until he found what he waslooking for. Then the lines of his features began towaver ... his body grew taller and fuller . . . until atlast we saw...
"I thought so!" Aahz crowed triumphantly.
"Quigley!" I gasped.
"This is embarrassing," the demon hunter grumbled, slouching down into his chair.
"Old heroes never die; they reappear
in sequels"
M. MOORCOCK
PHYSICALLY, Quigley was unchanged from when wefirst met him. Tall, long-boned and muscular, he stilllooked as if he'd be more at home in armor swinginga sword than sitting around in magician robes sippingwine with us. However, here we were, gathered in aconference which bore little resemblance to the for-mal interview I had originally anticipated.
"I was afraid you two would be along when I
realized it was Tanda the guards captured," the ex-demon hunter grumbled.
"Afraid?" I frowned, genuinely puzzled. "Why
should you be afraid of us?"
"Oh, come now, lad," Quigley smiled bitterly. "Iappreciate your efforts to spare my feelings, but thetruth of the matter is plain. My magikal powers don'thold a candle next to yours. I know full well that nowthat you're here you'll be able to take my job awayfrom me without much difficulty. Either that, ormake me look silly in front of my employers so thatthey'll fire me outright."
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MYTH DIRECTIONS 69
"That's ridiculous," I cried, more than slightly offended. "Look Quigley, I promise you we'll neithersteal your job nor make you look silly while we'rehere."
"Really?" Quigley asked, brightening noticeably.
"You're being a little hasty with your promises,aren't you, kid?" Aahz interrupted in a warningtone.
"C'mon, Aahz," I grimaced. "You know that
isn't why we're here."
"But, kid... "
I ignored him, turning back to Quigley.
"I promise you, Quigley. No job stealing, and
nothing that will endanger your position. The truthis, I've already got a magician's job of my own. I'msurprised Tanda hasn't told you."
Strangely enough, instead of relaxing, Quigleyseemed even more ill at ease and avoided my gaze.
"Well, actually, lad," he murmured uncomfortably, "Tanda hasn't said anything since she wasturned over to my custody."
"She hasn't?" I asked, surprised. "That's funny.Usually the trouble is getting her to stop talking."
"Quite right," Quigley laughed uneasily. "Exceptthis timewellshe hasn't regained consciousnessyet."
"You mean she's still out cold?" Aahz exclaimed,surging to his feet. "Why didn't you say so? Comeon, Quigley, wheel her out here. This might be serious."
"No, no. You misunderstand," Quigley waved.
"She hasn't regained consciousness because I've kepta sleep spell on her."
"A sleep spell?" I frowned.
"That's right," Quigley nodded. "Tanda taught itto me herself. It's the first spell I learned, actually.Really very simple. As I understand it, all membersof the Assassins Guild are required to learn it."
70 Robert Asprin
"Why?" Aahz interrupted.
"I never really gave it much thought," Quigleyblinked. "I suppose it would help them in their work.You know, if you came on a sleeping victim, the spellwould keep him from waking up until after you'dfinished the job. Something like that."
"Not that!" Aahz moaned. "I know how assassinsoperate better than you do. I meant, why are youusing a sleep spell on Tanda?"
"Why, to keep her from waking up, of course,"
Quigley shrugged.
"Brilliant," I muttered. "Why didn't we think ofthat?"
"Shut up, kid," my mentor snarled. "Okay, Quigley, let's try this one more time. Why don't you wantto wake her up? I thought you two got along prettywell last time I saw you."
"We did," Quigley admitted, blushing. "But I'ma working magician now. If I let her wake up ...well, I don't flatter myself about my powers. Therewould be nothing I could do to keep her from escap-ing."
"You don't want her to escape?" I blinked.
"Of course not. It would mean my job," Quigleysmiled. "That's why I'm so glad you promised not todo anything that would jeopardize my position."
My stomach sank.
"Smooth move, kid," Aahz commented dryly.
"Maybe next time you'll listen when! try to adviseyou."
I tried to say something in my own defense, butnothing came to mind, so I shut my mouth and usedthe time to feel miserable.
"Well, gentlemen," Quigley beamed, rubbing hishands together. "Now that that's settled, I supposeyou'll be wanting to get on your way to whereveryou're going."
"Not so fast, Quigley," Aahz declared, sinking
MYTH DIRECTIONS 71
back into his chair and propping his feet up on thetable. "If nothing else, I think you owe us an explanation. The last time we saw you, you were ademon hunter, heading off through the dimensionswith Tanda to learn more about magik. Now, I wasunder the distinct impression you intended to use thatknowledge to further your old career. What broughtyou over to our side of the fence?"
Quigley thought for a moment, then shrugged andsettled back in his own chair.
"Very well," he said. "I suppose I can do that,seeing as how we were comrades-in-arms at one
point."
He paused to take a sip of wine before continuing.
"Tanda and I parted company with the others
shortly after we discovered your little joke. Wethought it was quite amusing, particularly Tanda,but the others seemed quite upset, especially Isstvan,so we left them and headed off on our own."
The demon hunter's eyes went slightly out of focusas he sank back into his memories. "We traveled thedimensions for some time. Quite a pleasant time, Imight add. I learned a lot about demons and a littleabout magik, and it set me to thinking about mychosen line of work as a demon hunter. I mean,demons aren't such a bad lot once you get to knowthem, and magik pays considerably better than swinging a sword."
"I hope you're paying attention, kid," Aahz
grinned, prodding my shoulder.
I nodded, but kept my attention on Quigley.
"Then," the demon hunter continued, "circumstances arose that prompted Tanda to abandon mewithout money or a way back to my own dimension."
"Wait a minute," Aahz interrupted. "That
doesn't sound like Tanda. What were these 'circumstances' you're referring to?"
72 Robert Asprin
"It was a misunderstanding, really," Quigley explained, flushing slightly. "Without going into luriddetails, the end result involved my spending a nightwith a female other than Tanda."
"I can see why she'd move on without you," Aahzfrowned, "but not why she'd take your money."
"Well, actually, it was the young lady I was with atthe time who relieved me of my coinage," the demonhunter admitted, blushing a deeper shade of red.
"Got it," Aahz nodded. "Sounds like along withmagik and demons, there are a few things you haveto learn about women."
I wouldn't have minded a few lessons in that department myself, but I didn't think this was the timeto bring it up.
"Anyway," Quigley continued hastily, "there I
was, stranded and penniless. It seemed the only thingfor me to do was to go to a placement service."
"A placement service?" Aahz blinked. "Just
where was this that you were stranded?"
"Why, the Bazaar at Deva, of course," the demonhunter replied. "Didn't 1 mention that?"
"The Bazaar at Deva," my mentor sighed. "I
should have known. Oh, well, keep going."
"There's really not that much more to tell."
Quigley shrugged. "There were no openings for ademon hunter, but they managed to find me thisposition here in Jahk by lying about how much magik I knew. Since then, things have been prettyquietor they were before the guards appeared atmy door carrying Tanda."
I was starting to wonder if any court magician wasreally qualified for his position.
"And you aren't about to let Tanda go. Right?"Aahz finished.
"Don't misunderstand," Quigley insisted, gnawing his lip. "I'd like to let her go. If nothing else itwould do a lot for patching up the misunderstanding MYTH DIRECTIONS 73
between Tanda and myself. Unfortunately, I justdon't see any way I could let her escape without los-ing my job on grounds of incompetence."
"Say, maybe we could get you a job in Possiltum!" I suggested brightly.
"Kid," Aahz smiled, "are you going to stop thattongue of yours all by yourself, or do I have to tear itout by the roots?"
I took the hint and shut up.
"Thank you, lad," Quigley said, "but I couldn'tdo that. Unlike yourself, I'm still trying to build areputation as a magician. How would it look if I leftmy first job in defeat with my tail between my legs?"
"You haven't got a tail," Aahz pointed out.
"Figure of speech," Quigley shrugged.
"Oh," my mentor nodded. "Well, if you think a
hasty retreat from one's first job is unusual, myfriend, you still have a lot to learn about the magikprofession."
"Haven't I been saying that?" Quigley frowned.
I listened to their banter with only half an ear. Therest of me was floating on Quigley's implied compli-ment. I'm getting quite good at hearing indirect compliments. The direct ones are few and far between.
Come to think of it, I was getting a reputation as amagician. No one could deny we beat Isstvan at hisown gameand I had actually recruited and commanded the team that stopped Big Julie's army.Why, in certain circles, my name must be ...
"Bullshit!" Aahz roared, slapping his hand downon the table hard enough to make the chairs jump. "Itell you she didn't steal the damn Trophy!"
I collected my shattered nerves and turned my attention to the conversation once more.
"Oh, come now, Aahz," Quigley grimaced. "I
traveled with Tanda long enough to know she's notabove stealing something that caught her eyenorare you two, I'd imagine."
Robert Asprin
74
"True enough," Aahz admitted easily, "but you
can bet your last baseball card that if any of us wentafter your Trophy, we wouldn't be caught after-ward."
"My last what?" Quigley frowned. "Oh, no matter. Look, even if I believed you I couldn't doanything. What's important is the council believesTanda was involved, and they wouldn't even consider releasing her unless they got the Trophy back first."
"Oh, yeah?" Aahz smiled, showing all his teeth.
"How many council members are there and how are
they guarded?"
"Aahz!" Quigley said sternly. "If anything happened to the council, I'm afraid I'd see it as a threatto my job and therefore a direct violation of Master Skeeve's promise."
My mentor leaned back in his chair and stared atthe ceiling. The heavy metal wine goblet in his handcrumpled suddenly, but aside from that there was nooutward display of his feelings.
"Um . . . Quigley?" I ventured cautiously. I stillhad a vivid image in my mind of my tongue in Aahz'sgrasp instead of the wine goblet.
"Yes, lad?" Quigley asked, cocking an eyebrow at
me.
"What did you say would happen if the Trophy
were returned?"
Aahz's head swiveled around slowly until our
gazes met, but his gold speckled eyes were thoughtful
now.
"Well, I didn't say, actually," Quigley grumphed,"but that would change everything. With the Trophyback, the council would be ecstatic and definitely bet-ter disposed toward Tanda. . . . Yes, if the Trophywere returned, I think I could find an excuse to release her."
"Is that a promise?"
MYTH DIRECTIONS 75
I may be ignorant, but I'm a fast learner.
Quigley studied me for a moment before answer-ing. "Very well," he said at last. "Why do you ask?"
I shot a glance at Aahz. One eyelid slowly closed ina wink, then he went back to studying the ceiling.
"Because," I announced, relief flooding over me,"I think I've come up with a way we can free Tanda,protect your job, and stop the war in one fellswoop."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 77
"What do you mean, 'You've got a
little job for meT"
HERCULES
"STEAL the Trophy back from Veygus. Just like
that," Aahz grumbled for the hundredth time.
"We're doomed," Griffin prophesied grimly.
"Shut up. Griffin," I snarled.
It occurred to me I was picking up a lot of Aahz's
bad habits lately.
"But I keep telling you, I don't know Veygus," theyouth protested. "I won't be any help at all. Please,can't I go back to Ta-hoe?"
"Just keep walking," I sighed.
"Face it, son," Aahz smiled, draping a casual armover our guide's shoulder. "We aren't going to letyou out of our sight until this job's over. The soonerwe get to Veygus, the sooner you'll be rid of us."
"But why?" Griffin whined.
"We've gone over this before," my mentor sighed."This heist is going to be rough enough withoutVeygus hearing about it in advance. Now the only 76
way we can be sure you don't tell anyone is to keepyou with us. Besides, you're our passport through theTa-hoe patrols if we meet any."
"The patrols are easy to avoid," the youth insisted. "And I won't tell anyone about your mission,honest. Isn't there any way I can get you to trustme?"
"Well," Aahz drawled judiciously, "I guess thereis one thing that might do the trick."
"Really?" our guide asked hopefully.
"What da ya think, Skeeve?" my mentor called.
"Do you feel up to turning our friend here into arock or a tree or something until the job's over?"
"A rock or a tree?" the youth gulped, wide-eyed.
"Sure," Aahz shrugged. "I wouldn't have suggested it myself. There's always a problem findingthe right rock or tree to change back. Sometimes ittakes years of searching. Sometimes the magicianjust gives up."
"Can't you guys walk any faster?" Griffin challenged, quickening his pace. "We'll never get toVeygus at this rate."
"I guess that settles that," I smiled, winking atAahz to show I appreciated his bluff.
"Steal the Trophy from Veygus," my mentor
replied, picking up his witty repartee where he hadleft it. "Just like that."
So much for changing the subject.
"C'mon Aahz, give me a break." I defended
glibly. "You agreed to this before I proposed it."
"I didn't say anything," he argued.
"You winked," I insisted.
"How do you know I didn't just get something inmy eye? "he countered.
"I don't," I admitted. "Did you?"
"No," he sighed. "I winked. But only because itlooked like the only way out of the situation you gotus into."
78
Robert Asprin
He had me there.
"How we got into this spot is beside the point," Idecided. "The real question is how are we going tosteal the Trophy."
"I see," Aahz grunted. "When you get us into
trouble, it's beside the point."
"The Trophy," I prompted.
"Well..." my mentor began slowly, rising to thebait. "We won't be able to make any firm plans untilwe see the layout and size up the guards. How 'boutit. Griffin? What are we liable to be up against? Howgood are these Veygans?"
"The Veygans?" our guide grimaced. "I wouldn'tworry about them if I were you. They couldn't guarda pea if they swallowed it."
"Really inept, uh?" Aahz murmured, cocking an
eyebrow.
"Inept? They're a joke," Griffin laughed. "Thereisn't a Veygan alive who knows how to spell strategy,much less use it."
"I thought you said you didn't know anything
about Veygus," I commented suspiciously.
"Well ... I don't actually," the youth admitted,"but I've seen their team play in the Big Game, and ifthat's the best they can muster ..."
"You mean everything you've been saying was
speculation based on the way their team plays?"Aahz interrupted.
"That's right," Griffin nodded.
"The same team that's been beating the pants offTa-hoe for the last five years?"
Our guide's head came up as if he had just beenslapped. "We won this year!" he declared fiercely.
"Whereupon they turned around and stole the
Trophy right out from under your noses," my men-tor pointed out. "It sounds to me like they may notbe as inept as you'd like to think they are."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 79
"They get lucky once in a while," Griffin muttereddarkly.
"You might want to think it through a bit," I
advised. "I mean, do you really want to go aroundclaiming your team was beaten by a weak opponent?If Ta-hoe is so good and Veygus is so feeble, how doyou explain five losses in a row? Luck isn't enough toswing the Game that much."
"We got overconfident," our guide confided.
"It's a constant danger you have to guard againstwhen you' re as good as we are.''
"I know what you mean," Aahz nodded. "My
partner and I have the same problem."
Well, modesty has never been Aahz's strong suit.Still it was nice to hear him include me in his brashstatements. It made me feel like my studies werefinally bearing fruit, like I was making progress.
"Aside from the military, what are we up
against?" my mentor asked. "How about the magikyou keep mentioning? Do they have a magician?"
"They sure do," Griffin nodded vigorously. "Hername's Massha. If you have any troubles at all, it willbe with her. She's mean."
"Is that 'mean' in abilities, or in temperament?"Aahz cross-examined.
"Both," our guide asserted firmly. "You know,
I've never been totally convinced our magician is asgood as he claims to be, but Massha's a real whiz. Icouldn't even start to count the fantastic things I'veseen her do."
"Um . . . what makes you think her temperamentis mean?" I asked casually, trying to hide my saggingconfidence.
"Well, let me put it this way," Griffin explained."If there was a messy job to be done, and you couldthink of three ways to do it, she'd find a fourth waythat was nastier than the other three ways combined.
80 Robert Asprin
She has a real genius for unpleasantness."
"Terrific," I grimaced.
"How's that again?" our guide frowned.
"Skeeve here always likes a challenge," Aahz explained hastily, draping a friendly arm around myshoulders.
I caught the warning, even without him digging histalons in until they nearly drew blood. He did itanyway, making it a real effort to smile.
"That's right," I laughed to hide my gasp. "We'vehandled heavyweights before."
Which was true. What I neglected to mention andtried hard not to think about was that we survived theencounters by a blend of blind luck and bald-faceddeceit.
"Good," Griffin beamed. "Even if you don't
manage to steal the Trophy, if you can take Masshaout of action, Ta-hoe can win the war easily."
"You know. Griffin," Aahz commented, cocking
an eyebrow, "for someone who doesn't know Vey-gus, you seem to know an awful lot about their magician."
"I sure do," our guide laughed bitterly. "She usedto be Ta-hoe's magician until Veygus hired her away.I used to run errands for her and ..." He suddenlystopped in mid-stride and mid-sentence simultaneously. "Hey! That's right," he exclaimed. "I can'tgo along with you if you're going to see Massha. Sheknows me! If the Veygans find out I'm from Ta-hoe,they'll think I'm a scout. I'd get torn apart."
"Don't worry," I soothed, "we aren't going anywhere near Massha."
"Yes, we are," Aahz corrected.
"We are? "I blinked.
"Kid, do I have to explain it to you all over again?We've got to check out the local magikal talent, thesame as we did when we hit Ta-hoe."
"And look where that got us?" I muttered darkly.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 81
"Look where who got us?" Aahz asked innocently. "I didn't quite hear that."
"All right! All right!" I surrendered. "We'll gosee Massha. I guess I'll just have to whip up a disguise for Griffin so he won't be spotted."
"She'll recognize my voice," our guide protested.
"Don't talk!" I ordered, without clarifying if itwas an immediate or future instruction.
"This time, I think he's right," Aahz interruptedthoughtfully. "It would probably be wisest to leaveGriffin behind for this venture."
"It would?" I blinked.
"Hey! Wait a minute," Griffin interjected nervously. "I don't want to be a rock or a stone."
"Oh, I'm sure we can work out something a bit
less drastic," my mentor smiled reassuringly. "Ex-cuse us for a moment while we confer."
I thought Aahz was going to pull me aside for aprivate conversation, but instead he simply slippedoff his translator pendant. After a bit of browbeat-ing, Quigley had supplied us with an extra, so now weeach had one. Removing them allowed us to conversewithout fear of being overheard, while at the sametime keeping Griffin within arm's length. I followedsuit and removed mine.
"What gives, Aahz?" I asked as soon as I was freeof the pendant. "Why the change in plans?"
"The job's getting a little too complex," he explained. "It's time we started reducing our variables."
"Our what? "I puzzled.
"Look!" Aahz gritted. "We're going to have ourhands full trying to elude the military and thisMassha gal without trying to keep an eye on Griffin,too. He can't be any great help to us, and if he isn't ahelp, he's a hindrance."
"He shouldn't be too much trouble," I protested.
"Any trouble will be too much trouble," my men---
82 Robert Asprin
tor corrected firmly. "So far, he's an innocent by-stander we've dragged into this. That means if wetake him into Veygus, we should be confident we canbring him out again. Now, are you that confident?Or don't you mind the thought of leaving him stranded in a hostile town?"
Aahz doesn't give humanitarian arguments often,but when he does, they always make sense.
"Okay," I sighed. "But what do we do with him?You know I can't turn him into a rock or a tree. Notthat I would if I could."
"That's easy," Aahz shrugged. "You put a sleepspell on him. That should keep him out of mischiefuntil we get back here."
"Aahz," I said gently, closing my eyes. "I don'tknow how to cast a sleep spell. Remember?"
"That's no problem," my mentor winked. "I'll
teach you."
"Right now?" I questioned incredulously.
"Sure. Didn't you hear Quigley? It's easy," Aahzdeclared confidently. "Of course, you realize it isn'treally a 'sleep' spell. It's more like suspended anima-tion."
"Like what? "I blinked.
"It's a magikal slowing of the body's metabol-ism," he clarified helpfully. "If it were sleep as youperceive it, then you'd run into problems of dehydra-tion and..."
"Aahz!" I interrupted, holding up a hand. "Is thespell easier than the explanation?"
"Well, yes," he admitted. "But I thought you'dlike to know."
"Then just teach me the spell. Okay?"
"Out of the frying pan, into derfire."
THE SWEDISH CHEF
FORTUNATELY, the sleep spell was as easy to learn asAahz had promised, and we left Griffin snoozingpeacefully in a patch of weeds along the road.
We took the precaution of circling Veygus to enterthe city from a direction other than Ta-hoe. As itturned out it was a pointless exercise. Everyone inVeygus was too busy with their own business to evennotice us, much less which direction we were comingfrom.
"This is really great!" Aahz chortled, lookingabout the streets as we walked. "I could develop areal fondness for this dimension."
The war activities in Veygus were the same as wehad witnessed in Ta-hoe, except the souvenirs werebeing made in red and white instead of blue and gold.1 was starting to wonder if anyone was ever going toget around to actually fighting the war, or if theywere all too busy making money.
"Look at that, Aahz!" I exclaimed, pointing.
There was a small crowd gathered, listening to a
84 Robert Asprin
noisy orator. From what I could hear, their com-plaint was the same one we heard back in Ta-hoe:
that the government's withholding information
about the war was hampering the odds-makers.
"Yeah. So?" my mentor shrugged.
"I wonder if they're bookies, too," I speculated.
"There's one way to find out," Aahz offered.
Before I could reply, he had sauntered over tosomeone at the back of the crowd and engaged him inan animated conversation. There was nothing for meto do but wait... and worry.
"Good news, kid," he beamed, rejoining me at
last.
"Tell me," I pressed. "I could use some good
news right about now."
"They're giving three-to-one odds against Ta-hoein the upcoming war."
It took me a moment to realize that was the extentof his information. "That's it?" I frowned. "That'syour good news? It sounds to me like we've badlyunderestimated Veygus's military strength."
"Relax, kid," Aahz soothed. "Those are the sameodds they're offering in Ta-hoe against Veygus.Local bookies always have to weight the odds infavor of the home team. Otherwise no one will betagainst them."
Puzzled, I shook my head. "Okay, so they're actually evenly matched," I shrugged. "I still don't seehow that's good news for us."
"Don't you see?" my mentor urged. "That means
the bookies are operating independently instead of asa combine. If we play our cards right, we could showa hefty profit from this mess."
Even though annoyed that Aahz could be thinkingof money at a time like this, I was nonetheless intrigued with his logic. I mean, after all, he did trainme.
"By betting?" I asked. "How would we know
which side to bet for?"
MYTH DIRECTIONS 85
"Not 'bet for,' bet against," Aahz explained.
"And we'd bet equal amounts against both sides."
I thought about this a few moments, nodding
knowingly all the while, then gave up. "I don't getit," I admitted. "Betting the same amount forex-cuse me, againstboth sides, all we do is breakeven."
Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Think itthrough, kid," he insisted. "At three-to-one odds wecan't do anything but win. Say we bet a thousandagainst each team. If Ta-hoe wins, then we pay athousand in Ta-hoe and collect three thousand inVeygus, for a net profit of two thousand. If Veyguswins, we reverse the process and still come out twothousand ahead."
"That's not a bad plan," I said judiciously, "but Ican see three things wrong with it. First, we don'thave a thousand with us to bet..."
"We could hop back to Klah and get it," Aahz
countered.
"Second, we don't have the time..."
"It wouldn't take that long," my mentor protested.
"Third, if our mission's successful, there won't bea war."
Aahz's mouth was open for a response, and that'swhere it stayedopen, and blissfully noiseless as hethought about my argument.
"Got you there, didn't I, Aahz?" I grinned.
"I wonder what the odds are that there won't be awar," he mused, casting a wistful eye at the crowd ofbookies.
"C'mon, Aahz," I sighed, tugging bravely at hisarm, "we've got a heist to scout."
"First," he corrected firmly, "we have to checkout this Massha character."
I had hoped he had forgotten, but then, this adventure was not being typified by its phenomenally goodluck.
86 Robert Asprin
We picked our way across Veygus, occasionally
stopping people to ask directions, and arrived at lastoutside the dwelling of the town magician. It was anunimposing structure, barely inside the eastern limitsof the city, and exuded an intriguing array ofaromas.
"Not much of a hangout for a powerful magician,eh, Aahz?" I commented, trying to bolster my sagging courage.
"Remember where you were living when we first
met?" my mentor retorted, never taking his eyesfrom the building.
I did. The one-room clapboard shack where I hadfirst studied magik with Garkin made this place looklike a veritable palace.
"What I can't figure out is why Massha settled forthis place," Aahz continued, talking as much tohimself as to me. "If what Griffin said is true, shecould have had any place in town to work from. Tellyou what, kid. Check for force lines, will you?"
I obediently closed my eyes and stretched out mymind, searching for those invisible currents ofmagikal power which those in the profession tap fortheir own use. I didn't have to look hard.
"Aahz!" I gasped. "There are four . . . no, five. . . force lines intersecting here. Three in the air andtwo in the ground."
"I thought so," my mentor nodded grimly. "Thislocation wasn't chosen by accident. She's got powerto spare, if she knows how to use it."
"But what can we do if she's that powerful?" Imoaned.
"Relax, kid," Aahz smiled. "Remember, the
power's there for anyone to use. You can tap into itas easily as she can."
"That's right," I said, relaxing slightly, but notmuch. "Okay, what's our plan?"
"I don't really know," he admitted, heading for
MYTH DIRECTIONS 87
the door. "We'll just have to play this by ear."
Somehow that phrase rang a bell in my memory.
"SayurnAahz," I stammered. "Remembering
how things went back in Ta-hoe, this time let's play itby your ear. Okay?"
"You took the words right out of my mouth,"
Aahz grinned. "Just remember to check her aura assoon as we get inside. It'll help to know if she's localor if we're dealing with imported help."
So saying, he raised his hand and began rapping onthe door. I say "began" because between the secondand third rap, the door flew open with alarmingspeed.
"What do you ... well, hel-lo there, boys."
"Are . . . um . . . are you Massha, the magician?"Aahz stammered, both taken aback and stepping
back.
"Can you imagine anyone else fitting the description?" came the throaty chuckle in response.
She was right. I had not seen anyone in Jahk
heck, in several dimensionswho looked anythinglike the figure framed in the open door. Massha wasimmense, in girth if not in height. She filled the doorway to overflowingand it wasn't that narrow a door. Still, size alone doth not a pageant make.Massha might have been overlooked as just anotherlarge woman were it not for her garments.
Purple and green warred with each other across hertent-like dress, and her bright orange hair drapedacross one shoulder in dirty strings did nothingtoward encouraging an early settlement. And jewelry! Massha was wearing enough in the way ofearrings, rings and necklaces to open her own store.She wasn't a sample case, she was the entire inven-tory!
Her face was nothing to write home aboutunlessyou're really into depressing letters. Bad teeth wereframed by fleshy chapped lips, and her pig-like eyespeering from the depths of her numerous smile 88
Robert Asprin
wrinkles were difficult to distinguish from her otherskin blemishes.
I've seen some distinctive looking women in mytravels, but Massha took the cake, platter, and table-cloth.
"Did you boys just come to stare?" the apparitionasked, "or can I do something for you?"
"We ... um ... we need help," Aahz managed.
I wasn't sure if he was talking about our mission orour immediate situation, but either way I agreed withhim wholeheartedly.
"Well, you came to the right place," Massha
leered. "Step into my parlor and we'll discuss whatI 've got that you wantand vice-versa.''
Aahz followed her into the building, leaving me nochoice but to trail along. He surprised me, though,by dropping back slightly to seek my advice.
"What's the word, kid?" he hissed.
"How about 'repulsive'?" I suggested.
That earned me another dig in the ribs.
"I meant about her aura. What's the matter, didyou forget?"
As a matter of fact, I had. Now that I had been soforcefully reminded, though, I hurriedly checked formagikal emanations.
"She's gotno, wait a minute," I corrected. "Itisn't her. it's her jewelry. It's magikal, but she isn't."
"I thought so," Aahz nodded. "Okay. Now we
know what we're dealing with."
"We do? "I asked.
"She's a mechanic," my mentor explained hurriedly. "Gimmick magik with her jewelry. Totallydifferent than the stuff I've been teaching you."
"You mean you think I could beat her in a fairfight?"
"I didn't say that," he corrected. "It all dependson what kind of jewelry she's gotand from whatwe've seen so far, she's got a lot."
"Oh," I sagged. "What are we going to do?"
MYTH DIRECTIONS 89
"Don't worry, kid," Aahz winked. "Fair fights
havfr never been my specialty. As long as she doesn'tknow you're a magician, we've got a big advantage."
Any further questions I might have had were
forgotten as we arrived at our destination. Havingjust left Quigley's dwelling, I was unprepared forwhat Massha used for an office.
To say it was a bedroom would be an understate-ment. It was the gaudiest collection of tassels,pillows, and erotic statues I had seen this side of theBazaar at Deva. Colors screamed and clawed at eachother, making me wonder if Massha were actuallycolorblind. As fast as the thought occurred to me, Idiscarded it. No one could select so many clashingcolors by sheer chance.
"Sit down, boys," Massha smiled, sinking onto
the parade-ground-sized bed. "Take off your thingsand we'll get started."
My life flashed before my eyes. While I had
secretly dreamed of a career as a ladies' man, I hadnever envisioned it starting like this! If I had, I mighthave become a monk.
Even Aahz, with his vast experience, seemed at aloss. "Well, actually," he protested. "We don't havemuch time..."
"You misunderstand me." Massha waved, fanning the air with a massive hand. "What I meantwas, take off your disguises."
"Our disguises?" I blurted, swallowing hard.
In reply, she held aloft her left hand, the indexfinger extended for us to see. The thirdno, it wasthe fourthring was blinking a brilliant purple.
"This little toy says you're not only magicians,you're disguised," she grinned. "Now, I'm as sociable as the next person but I like to see who I'm do-ing business with. In fact, I insist!"
As she spoke, the door behind us slammed shut
and locked with an audible click.
So much for our big advantage.
'// you can't dazzle them with dex---
terity, baffle them with bullshit!"
PROF. H. HILL
THERE was a long silent moment of frozen immobil-ity. Then Aahz turned to me with an exaggeratedshrug.
"Well," he sighed, "I guess she's got us dead torights. There's no arguing with technology, youknow. It never makes mistakes."
I almost missed his wink, and even then I was slowto realize what he was up to.
"With your permission, dear lady ..." Making ahalf bow at Massha, he began making a series ofgraceful passes with his hand in the air in front ofhim.
It was all very puzzling. Aahz had lost all hismagikal powers back when . . . Then it hit me.Massha thought we were both magicians! Aahz wastrying to maintain the illusion and could very wellpull it offif I got busy and backed his move.
As inconspicuously as possible, I closed my eyes
90
MYTH DIRECTIONS 91
and got to work stripping away his disguise.
"A Pervert!" Massha crowed in tribute to my efforts. "Well, whatdaya know. Thought you walkedfunny foraJahk."
"Actually," Aahz corrected smoothly, "as a
native of Perv I prefer to be called a 'Pervect.' "
"I don't care what ya call yerself," she winkedlewdly, "I'm more interested in how ya act."
I was just beginning to enjoy my mentor's discomfort when Massha turned her attentions on me.
"How 'bout you, sport?" she pressed. "You don'tsay much, let's see what yer hiding."
I resisted an impulse to clutch wildly at my clothes,and instead set about restoring my normal appearance.
"A Klahdand a young one at that," Massha
proclaimed, cocking her head as she examined me."Well, no matter, by the time old Massha's throughwith you . .. say!"
Her eyes suddenly opened wide and her gaze
darted to Aahz, then back to me.
"A Klahd traveling with a Pervert. . . your namewouldn't be Skeeve, would it?"
"You've heard of me?" I blinked, both startledand flattered.
"Heard of you?" she laughed. "The last time I
dropped into the Bazaar, that's all anyone was talking about."
"Really? What were they saying?" I urged.
"Well, the word is that you put together a team ofsix and used 'em to stop a whole army. It's the mosteffective use of manpower anyone's pulled off in cen-turies."
"It was actually eight, if you include Gleep andBerfert," I admitted modestly.
"Who? "She frowned.
"A dragon and a salamander," I explained. "It
was such a successful venture I'd like to be sure
92
Robert Asprin
everyone involved gets some credit."
"That's decent of you," Massha nodded approvingly. "Most folks I know in the trade try to hog allthe glory when their plans work and only mention thehelp if they need someone to blame for failure."
"If you know Skeeve, here," Aahz smiled, elbow-ing his way into the conversation, "then surely youknow who I am."
"As a matter of fact, I don't," Massha shrugged."I heard there was a loudmouthed Pervert along, butno one mentioned his name."
"Oh, really?" Aahz asked, showing a suspiciousnumber of teeth. "A loudmouthed Pervert, eh? Andjust who did you hear that from?"
"Um ... in that case," I interrupted hastily,
"allow me to introduce my friend and colleague,
Aahz."
"Aahz?" Massha repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"As in..."
"No relation," Aahz assured her.
"Oh," she nodded.
"Mind if I have some wine?" my mentor asked,
gesturing grandly at the wine pitcher on a nearbytable. "It's been a long dry trip."
This time I was ready, and covertly levitated thepitcher into his waiting hand. The thought of embarrassing him by leaving the wine where it was neverentered my mind. We were still in a tight spot, andanything we could do to keep Massha off balancewas a good gambit.
"So, what are a pair of big leaguers like you doingin Jahk?" Massha asked, leaning back into her silkenpillows. "You boys wouldn't be after my job, would you?"
It occurred to me that all the employed magicians Iwas meeting shared a common paranoia about losing
their jobs.
"I assure you," Aahz interjected quickly, "taking
MYTH DIRECTIONS 93
your job away from you is the furthest thing fromour minds. If nothing else, we couldn't pass thephysical."
I almost asked "The physical what?" but restrained myself. Verbal banter was Aahz's forte, andfor the time being my job was to give him room tooperate.
"Flattery will get you everywhere," Massha
chuckled appreciatively, "except around a directquestionand you haven't answered mine. If you
aren't looking for work, what are you doing here?"
That was a good question, and thankfully Aahz
had an answer ready.
"We're just on a little vacation," he lied, "anddropped by Jahk to try to make some of our moneyback in the gambling set."
"Gambling?" Massha frowned. "But the Big
Game is over."
"The Big Game," Aahz snorted. "I'll level withyou. We don't know enough about spectator sportsto bet on 'em, but we do know warsand we hear there's one brewing. I figure if we can't bet more intelligently than a bunch of yokels who haven't seen awar in five hundred years, we deserve to lose ourmoney."
"That explains what you're doing in Jahk,"
Massha nodded thoughtfully, "but it doesn't saywhat you're doing here'in my office' here. Whatcan I do for you you can't do for yourselves?"
"I could give you a really suggestive answer,"Aahz smirked, "but the truth is, we're looking for information. From where we sit, magik could swing thebalance one way or the other in this war. What we'dlike is a little inside information as to how much of ahand you expect to have in the proceedings, and ifyou expect any trouble with the opposition."
"The opposition? You mean Ta-hoe's magician?"
She threw back her head and laughed, "I guaran---
94
Robert Asprin
tee you, boys, I can handle . . . what's his name . . .Quigley . . . with one hand. That is, of course, providing that one hand is armed with a few of mytoys."
She wiggled her fingers to illustrate her point andthe ring colors glittered and danced like a malevolent
rainbow."
"That's fine for the war," Aahz nodded. "But
how about here in town? What's to keep Ta-hoe
from stealing the Trophy back before the war?"
"Oh, I've got a few gizmos over at the Trophy
Building that'll fry anyone who tries to heist itespecially if they try to use magik. Any one of 'emalone is fallible, but the way I've got 'em set, disarming one means setting off another. Nobody's takingthat Trophy anywhere without my clearing it."
"Sounds good," my mentor smiled, though I noticed it was a little forced. "As long as you have totalcontrol on the Trophy's security, it isn't likely anything will go wrong."
"Not total control," Massha corrected. "The
army's responsible for it when it's on parade."
"Parade?" I blurted. "What parade?"
"I know it's dumb," she grimaced. "That's why Irefuse any responsibility for it. In fact, I had it writ-ten into my contract. I don't give demonstrations andI don't do parades."
"What parade?" Aahz repeated.
"Oh, once a day they carry the Trophy through thestreets to keep the citizens fired up. You'd thinkthey'd get tired of it, but so far everyone goesscreaming bonkers every time it comes in view."
"I assume it has a military escort," Aahz commented.
"Are you kidding? Half the army tags along whenit does the rounds. They spend more time escortingthat Trophy around than they do drilling for thewar."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 95
"I see," my mentor murmured. "Well, I guess
that tells us what we need to know. We should be onour way."
Before he could move, Massha was at the end ofthe bed, clasping his leg. "What's the hurry?" shepurred. "Doesn't Massha get a little something inreturn for her information?"
"As a matter of fact," Aahz said, struggling to ex-tract his leg, "there is something that might bevaluable to you."
"I know there is," Massha smiled, pulling herselfcloser to him.
"Did you know that Quigley has summoned up a
demon to help him?''
"He what?"
Massha released her hold on Aahz's leg to sit boltupright.
"That's right," Aahz nodded, moving smoothly
out of reach. "From what we hear, he's holding itcaptive in his workshop. I can't imagine any reasonfor his doing that unless he plans to use it in thewar."
"A demon, eh?" Massha muttered softly, staringabsently at the far wall. "Well, well, whatdayaknow. I didn't think Quigley had it in him. I don'tsuppose you've heard anything about its powers?"
"Nothing specific," Aahz admitted, "but I don'tthink he'd summon anything weaker than he is."
"That's true," Massha nodded. "Well, I should
be able to handle them both."
I recognized her tone of voice. It was the way Isound when I'm trying to convince myself I'm up tohandling one of Aahz's plans.
"Say, Massha," my mentor explained, as if a
thought had just struck him. "I know we're supposed to be on vacation, but maybe we can give you ahand here."
"Would you?" she asked eagerly.
Robert Asprin
96 MYTH DIRECTIONS 97
"Well, it's really in our own best interest if we'rebetting money on the war," he smiled. "Otherwisewe wouldn't get involved. As it is, though, I think wecan get the demon away from Quigley, or at leastneutralize it so it won't help him at all."
"You'd do that for me? As a favor?" Massha
blinked.
"Sure," Aahz waved. "Just don't be surprised atanything we do and whatever you do, don't try tocounter any of our moves. I won't make any guarantees, but I think we can pull it off. If we do, justremember you owe us a favor someday."
Anyone who knew Aahz would have been immediately suspicious if he offered to do anything as afavor. Fortunately, Massha didn't know Aahz, andshe seemed both solicitous and grateful as she wavedgoodbye to us at the door.
"Well, kid," Aahz grinned, slapping me on the
back. "Not bad for an afternoon's work, if I do sayso myself. Not only did we scout the opposition, weneutralized it. Big bad Massha won't move against usno matter what we do, for fear of disrupting ourplans against Quigley."
As I had restored our disguises before we emergedonto the street, Aahz's back slap didn't arrive on mybackand it hit me with more force than I'm sure heintended. All in all, it did nothing to improve myalready black mood.
"Sure, Aahz," I growled. "Except for one littledetail."
"What's that?"
"We can't steal Tanda away from Quigley becausehe'd lose his job and we promised we wouldn't doanything to jeopardize his position. Remember?"
"Skeeve, Skeeve," my mentor chuckled, shaking
his head. "I haven't overlooked anything. You're theone who hasn't thought things through."
"Okay," I snapped. "So I'm slow! Explain it tome."
"Well, first of all, as I just mentioned, we don'thave to worry about Massha for a while."
"But" I began, but he cut me off.
"Second of all," he continued, "I said 'free orneutralize.' Now, we already know Quigley isn'tabout to use Tanda in the war, so Massha's going toowe us a favor whether we do anything or not."
"But we're supposed to be rescuing Tanda," I protested, ' 'and that means stealing the Trophy."
"Right!" Aahz beamed. "I'm glad you finally
caught on."
"Huh?" I said intelligently.
"You haven't caught on," my mentor sighed.
"Look, kid. The mission's still on. We're going tosteal the Trophy."
"But I can't bypass Massha's traps at the TrophyBuilding."
"Of course not," Aahz agreed. "That's why we'regoing to steal it from the parade."
"The parade?" I blinked. "In broad daylight withhalf the army and the whole town watching?"
"Of course," Aahz shrugged. "It's the perfect
situation."
It occurred to me that either my concept of a perfect situation was way out of line, or my mentor hadfinally lost his mind!
MYTH DIRECTIONS 99
"As any magician will tell youMyth
Directions is the secret of a successful steal."
D. HEMMING
"DON'T you see, kid? The reason it's a perfect situation is that everyone's sure it can't be stolen!"
It was the same answer Aahz had given the last tentimes I asked, so I gave him my usual rebuttal.
"The reason they're sure is because it can't bestolen. At least half the population of Veygus will belooking, Aahz, and they'll be looking right at theTrophy we're trying to steal! Someone's bound to notice."
"Not if you follow your instructions, they won't,"
my mentor winked. "Trust me."
I wasn't reassured. Not that I didn't trust Aahz,mind you. His ability to get me into trouble is sur-passed only by his ability to bail me out again. I justhad a hunch his bailing abilities were going to betested to their limits this time.
I was about to express this to Aahz when a roarwent up from the crowd around us, ending any hopefor conversation. The Trophy was just coming intoview.
We had chosen our post carefully. This point wasthe closest the procession came to the North wall ofVeygus . . . and hence it was the closest the Trophycame to the gate opening onto the road to Ta-hoe.
In line with Aahz's plan, we waved our fists in theair and jumped up and down as the Trophy passed bywith its military escort. It was pointless to shout,however. The crowd was making so much noise thattwo voices more or less went unnoticed, and weneeded to save our lung power for the heist itself.Working our way to the back of the mob also provedto be no problem. By simply not fighting back wheneveryone else elbowed in front of us soon moved usto our desired position.
"So far, so good," Aahz murmured, scanning thebacks in front of us to be sure we were unobserved.
"Maybe we should quit while we're ahead," I suggested hopefully.
"Shut up and start working," he snapped back ina tone that left no room for argument.
With an inward sigh, I closed my eyes and beganmaking subtle changes in our disguises.
When I first learned the disguise spell, it was specifically to alter the facial features and body configurations of a being to resemble another. Later, afterconsiderable practice, I learned to change the outward appearance of inanimate objects, providingthey had once been alive. Aahz had seized this modi-fication for a new application . . . specifically tochange the configuration of our clothes. By the time Iwas done, we not only looked like Jahks, we weredressed in the uniforms of Veygan soldiers.
"Good enough, kid," Aahz growled, clapping me
on the shoulder. "Let's go!"
With that, he plunged headlong into the crowd,clearing a path for me to emerge on the street behindthe Trophy procession. Clearing paths through moveable objects, like people, is one of the thingsAahz does best.
100 Robert Asprin
"Make way!" he bawled. "One side! Make way!"
Close behind him, I added my bellow to the din.
"Ta-hoers!" I called. "At the South wall! Ta-hoers!"
That's one of the things I do bestscream in
panic.
For a moment, no one seemed to hear us. Then afew heads turned. A couple voices took up my call.
"Ta-hoers!" they cried. "We're being attacked."
The word spread through the crowd ahead of us
like wildfire, such that when we reached the rear-guard of the procession, it had ground to a halt. Thesoldiers milled about, tangling weapons with bodiesaround them as they tried simultaneously to scan thecrowd, rooftops, and sky.
"Ta-hoers!" I shouted, pushing in among them.
"Where?"
"The South wall."
"Where?"
"The South wall."
"Who?"
"Ta-hoers!"
"Where?"
This nonsense might have continued endlessly, ex-cept for the appearance of an officer on the scene. Hewas noticeably more intelligent than the soldiersaround him . . . which was to say he might have wona debate with a turnip.
"What's going on here?" he demanded, his au---
thoritative voice silencing the clamor in the ranks.
"Ta-hoers, sir!" I gasped, still a bit out of breathfrom my performance. "They're attacking in force atthe South wall!"
"The South wall?" the officer frowned. "But Ta-hoe is north of here."
"They must have circled around the city," I suggested hastily. "They're attacking the South wall."
"But Ta-hoe is north of here," the man insisted."Why would they attack the South wall?"
r
MYTH DIRECTIONS
101
His slow-wittedness was exasperating. It was alsothreatening to totally disrupt our plan, which hingedon momentum.
"Are you going to stand here arguing while thoseyellow and blue idiots take the city?" Aahz demanded, shouldering his way past me. "If everybodygets killed because of your indecision, the council willbust you back to the ranks."
That possibility wasn't very logical, so, of course,the fool took it to heart. Drawing his sword, heturned to the men around him.
"To the South wall," he ordered. "Follow me!"
"To the South wall!"
The cry went up as the soldiers wheeled and dashedback down the street.
"To the South wall!" I echoed, moving with them.Suddenly, a powerful hand seized my shoulder and
slammed me against a wall hard enough to knock the
air out of my lungs.
"To the South wall!"
It was Aahz, leaning back to keep me pinned between him and the wall as he waved the soldiers past.
At last, he turned his head slightly to address medirectly.
"Where ya going?" he asked curiously.
"To the South wall?" I suggested in a small voice.
"Why?"
"Because the Ta-hoers ... oh!"
I felt exceptionally stupid. I also felt more thanslightly squashed. Aahz is no featherweight.
"I think better when I can breathe," I pointed outmeekly.
The ground slipped up and crashed into me as
Aahz shifted his weight forward.
"Quit clowning around, kid," he snarled, haulingme to my feet. "We've still got work to do."
As I've said before, Aahz has an enviable grasp ofthe obvious. A dozen soldiers were still clusteredaround the Trophy, its litter now resting on the Robert Asprin
102
ground. There was also the minor detail of the crowdof onlookers still milling about arguing over thislatest change in events.
"What are we going to do, Aahz?" I hissed.
"Just leave everything to me," he retorted confidently.
"Okay, "I nodded.
"Now here's what I want you to do ..."
"What happened to 'leave everything to you'?" I
grumbled.
"Shut up and listen," he ordered. "I want you tochange my face and uniform to match that officer wetalked to."
"But..."
"Just do it!"
In a moment the necessary adjustments were madeand my mentor was on his way, striding angrilytoward the remaining soldiers.
"What are you doing there?" he bawled. "Get tothe South wall with the others!"
"But... we were . . . our orders are to guard theTrophy," the nearest soldier stammered in confusion.
"Defend it by keeping the Ta-hoers out of the
city," Aahz roared. "Now get to the South wall!Anyone who tries to stay behind I'll personallycharge with cowardice in the face of the enemy. Doyou know what the punishment for that is?"
Apparently they did, even if I didn't. Aahz's question went unanswered as the soldiers sprinted offdown the street toward the South wall.
So much for the Trophy's military escort. I didwonder, though, what my mentor planned to do
about the milling crowd.
"Citizens of Veygus," Aahz boomed, as if in
answer to my silent question. "Our fair city is underattack. Now, I know all of you will want to volunteerto help the Army in this battle, but to be effective youmust be disciplined and orderly. To that end, I want MYTH DIRECTIONS 103
all volunteers to line up here in front of me for instructions. Any who are unable to serve shouldreturn to their homes at this time, so the militia willhave room to maneuver. All right, volunteers assemble!"
Within seconds, Aahz and I were left alone in thestreet. The crowd of potential volunteers had evapo-rated like water spilled on a hot griddle.
"So much for the witnesses," my mentor grinned,winking at me.
"Where'd they all go?" I asked, craning my neckto look around.
"Home, of course," Aahz smirked. "No one likesthe draftparticularly when it affects them personally."
I wet my finger and tested the breeze. "There's notthat much wind today," I announced suspiciously.
For some reason, this statement seemed to annoymy mentor. He rolled his eyes and started to saysomething, then changed his mind.
"Look, let's just grab the Trophy, okay?" he
snarled. "That 'South wall' bit won't fool the Armyforever, and I for one don't want to be here whenthey get back."
For once, we were in total agreement.
"Okay, Aahz," I nodded. "How do we get it out
of the city?"
"That's easy," he waved. "Remember, I'm not
exactly a weakling."
With that, he strode over to the Trophy and simplypicked it up and tucked it under his arm, balancing itcasually on his hip.
"But, Aahz ..." I began.
"I know what you're going to say," he admonished, holding up a hand, "and you're right. It wouldbe easier to steal a cart. What you're overlooking isthat a cart is personal property, while the Trophybelongs to the whole city."
"But, Aahz..."
104 Robert Asprin
"That means," he continued hastily, "that everyone assumes someone else is watching the Trophy, sowe can walk away with it. If we stole a cart, theowner would spot it in a minute and raise the alarm.Now, having successfully liberated the Trophy, itwould be really dumb to get arrested for stealing acart, wouldn't it?"
"I didn't mean how are we going to move it!" Iblurted. "I meant how are we going to get it past theguards at the North gate?"
"What's that?" Aahz frowned.
"They aren't going to let us just walk past themcarrying that Trophy, and I can't disguise it. It's ametal!"
"Hmmm . . . you're right, kid," my mentor
nodded thoughtfully. "Well, maybe we can . . .oh, swell!"
"What is it?" I asked fearfully.
"The soldiers are coming back," he announced,
cocking his head to listen. Aahz has exceptionallysharp hearing. "Oh, well, we're just going to have todo this the fast way. Break out the D-Hopper."
"The what? "I blinked.
"The D-Hopper!" he insisted. "We'll just take
this back to Klah with us."
I hurriedly fumbled the D-Hopper out of my
pouch and passed it to Aahz for setting.
"What about Tanda?"
"We'll use this gizmo to bring the Trophy backlater and spring her," Aahz mumbled. "I hadn't figured on using this just now. There's always a possibility that... oh, well. Hang on, kid. Here we go."
I crowded close to him and waited as he hit the but-ton to activate the Hopper.
Nothing happened,
"Or was it unlock the safe then
swim to the surface?"
H. HOUDINI
"NOTHING happened."
"I know it," Aahz groaned, glaring at the D-Hopper. "That's the trouble with relying on mechanical gadgets. The minute you rely on them, they letyou down."
"What's wrong?" I pressed.
"The damn thing needs recharging," Aahz spat.
"And there's no way we can do it before the Armygets here."
"Then let's hide until..."
"Hide where?" my mentor snapped. "Do you
want to ask one of the citizens to hide us? They mighthave a few questions about the Trophy we're luggingalong."
"Okay, you suggest something!" I snarled.
"I'm working on it," Aahz growled, looking
around. "What we need is... there!"
Before I could ask what he was doing, he strodeinto a nearby shop, tugged an animal skin off the
106 Robert Asprin
wall, and began wrapping^ around the Trophy.
"Terrific," I observed dryly. "Now we have a
furry Trophy. I don't think it will fool the guards."
"It will, once you disguise it," Aahz grinned.
"I told you, I can't," I insisted. "It's a metal!"
"Not the Trophy, dummy!" he snapped. "The
skin. Get to work! Change it to anything. No . . .make it a wounded soldier!"
I wasn't sure it would work, but I closed my eyesand gave it a try. One wounded soldiercompletewith a torn, bloodstained uniform and trailing feet.
"Not bad, kid," Aahz nodded, sticking the bundleunder his arm.
As usual, I couldn't see the effects of my work.When I looked, I didn't see an officer of the guardwith a wounded comrade under his arm. I saw Aahzholding a suspiciously lumpy package.
"Are you sure it's okay?" I asked doubtfully.
"Sure," Aahz nodded. "Just. . . oops! Here theycome. Leave everything to me."
That had a suspiciously familiar ring to it, but Ididn't have many other options at the moment. Thesoldiers were in sight now, thundering down on uswith grim scowls set fiercely on their faces.
"That way! Quick! They're getting away."
Aahz's bellow nearly startled me out of my skin,but I held my ground. I'm almost used to his unexpected gambitsalmost.
"After them!" Aahz repeated. "Charlie's hit!"
"Who's Charlie?" I frowned.
"Shut up, kid," my mentor hissed, favoring me
with a glare before returning his attention to thesoldiers.
They had slowed their headlong dash and were
looking down the sidestreets as they came, but theyhadn't changed course. The only fortunate thing wasthat the officer Aahz was impersonating was no-where in sight.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 107
"Don't you understand?" Aahz shouted.
"They've got the Trophy! That way!"
That did it. With a roar of animal rage, the soldierswheeled and started off in the direction Aahz had indicated.
"Boy," I murmured in genuine admiration. "I
wouldn't want to be holding that Trophy when theycaught up with me."
"It could be decidedly unpleasant," Aahz agreed."So if you don't mind, could we be on our way?Hmmm?"
"Oh! Right, Aahz."
He was already on his way, eating up great hunksof distance with his strong, hurried stride. As Ihastened to keep up with him, I resolved hot to askabout his plans for getting past the guards at theNorth gate. I was only annoying him with my constant questions, and besides, the answers only unsettled me.
As we drew nearer to the gate, however, my nervousness grew stronger and my resolve weaker.
"Ummm ... do you want me to change the
disguise on the Trophy?" I asked tentatively.
"No," came the brusque reply. "But you could
mess us up a little."
"Mess us up? "I blinked.
"A little dirt and blood on the uniforms," Aahzclarified. "Enough to make it look like we've been ina fight."
I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but Ihastened to adjust our disguises. That isn't as easy asit sounds, incidentally. Try closing your eyes andimagining dirty uniforms in detail while walkingdown a strange street at a near-trot. Fortunately, mylife with Aahz had trained me to work under desperate conditions, so I completed my task just as wewere coming up on the gate.
As a tribute to my handiwork, the guard didn't
108 Robert Asprin
even bother to address us directly. He simply gapedat us for a moment, then started hollering for the Officer of the Guard. By the time that member appeared, we were close enough to count his teeth as hisjaw dropped.
"What's going on here?" he demanded finally,
recovering his composure.
"Fighting in the streets," Aahz gasped in a real-istic imitation of a weary warrior. "They need yourhelp. We're your relief."
"Our relief!" the officer frowned. "But that
man's unconscious and you look like . . . fighting,did you say?"
"We're fit enough for gate duty," Aahz insisted,weakly pulling himself erect. "Anything to free a fewmore able-bodied men for the fighting."
"What fighting?" the officer screamed, barely
suppressing an impulse to shake Aahz back to hissenses.
"Riots," my mentor blinked. "The bookies have
changed the odds on the war and won't honor earlierbets. It's awful."
The officer blanched and recoiled as if he had beenstruck. "But that means ... my life savings are beton the war. They can't do that."
"You'd better hurry," Aahz insisted. "If the mobstear the bookies apart, no one will get their moneyback."
"Follow me! All of you!" the officer bellowed,though it wasn't necessary. The guards were alreadyon their way. Apparently the officer wasn't the onlyone with money in the bookies' care.
The officer started after them, then paused tosweep us with an approving stare.
"I don't know if you'll get .a medal for this," heannounced grimly, "but I won't forget it. You havemy personal thanks."
"Don't mention it, turkey," Aahz murmured as
the man sprinted off.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 109
"You know, I bet he won't forget this .. . ever," Ismiled.
"Feeling pretty smug, aren't you, kid?" Aahz
commented, cocking a critical eyebrow at me.
"Yes," I confirmed modestly.
"Well, you should," he laughed, clapping me onthe back. "I think, however, we'd best celebrate at adistance."
"Quite right," I agreed, gesturing grandly to theopen gate. "After you."
"No, after you!" he countered, imitating my gesture.
Not wanting to waste additional time arguing, wewalked side by side through the now unguarded
North gate of Veygus, bearing our prize triumphantly with us.
That should have been it. Having successfully
recaptured the Trophy, it should have been an easymatter to return to Ta-hoe, exchange the Trophy forTananda, and relax in a celebration party back atKlah. I should have known better.
Any time things seem calm and tranquil, something happens to disrupt matters. If unforeseen outside complications don't arise, then either Aahz'stemper flares or I open my big mouth. In this case,there were no outside complications, but there ourluck ran out. Neither one of us was to blameweboth were. Aahz for his temper, me for my big mouth.
We were nearly back to the place where he had hid-den Griffin, when Aahz made an unexpected request.
"Say, kid," he said, "how about dropping the
disguises for a while?"
"Why?" I asked, logically.
"No special reason," he shrugged. "I just want tolook at this Trophy that's caused everyone so muchtrouble."
"Didn't you see it back at Veygus?" I frowned.
"Not really," my mentor admitted. "At first I was
110 Robert Aspirin MYTH DIRECTIONS 111
busy chasing away the soldiers and the civilians, andafter that it was something big and heavy to carry. Inever really stopped to study it."
It took mere seconds to remove the disguises.
They're easier to break down than to build, since Ican see what the end result is supposed to look like.
"Help yourself," I announced.
"Thanks, kid," Aahz grinned, setting the Trophydown and hastily unwrapping it.
The Trophy was as ugly as ever; not that I had expected it to change. If anything, it looked worse upclose, as Aahz was looking at it. Then he backed upand looked again. Finally he walked around it, studying the monstrosity from all angles.
For some reason, his silent scrutiny was making meuneasy.
"Well, what do you think?" I asked, in an effortto get the conversation going again.
He turned slowly to face me, and I noticed hisscales were noticeably darker than normal.
"That's it?" he demanded, jerking a thumb overhis shoulder at the statue. "That's the Trophy? Yougot Tanda captured and put us through all this for adismal hunk of sculpture like that?"
Something clicked softly in my mind, igniting asmall ember of anger. I mean, I've never pretendedto admire the Trophy, but it had been Tananda'schoice.
"Yes, Aahz," I said carefully. "That's it."
"Of all the dumb stunts you've pulled, this takesthe cake!" my mentor raged. "You neglect your
studies, cost us a fortune, not to mention puttingeverybody's neck on the chopping block, and forwhat?"
"Yes, Aahz," I managed.
"And Tanda! I knew she was a bit dippy, but this!I've got a good mind to leave her right where she is."
I tried to say something, but nothing came out.
"All I want to hear from you, apprentice, is why!"
He was looming over me now.
"Even feeble minds need a motive. What did youtwo figure to do with this pile of junk once you stoleit? Tell me that!"
"It was going to be your birthday present!" I
shouted, the dam bursting at last.
Aahz froze stock-still, an expression of astonishment spreading slowly over his face.
"My ... my birthday present?" he asked in a
small voice.
"That's right, Aahz," I growled. "Surprise. Wewanted to get you something special. Something noone else had, no matter how much trouble it was.Sure was stupid of us, wasn't it?"
"My birthday present," Aahz murmured, turning
to stare at the Trophy again.
"Well, it's all over now," I snarled savagely. "Usfeeble-minded dolts bit off more than we could chewand you had to bail us out. Let's spring Tanda and gohome. Maybe then we can forget the whole thingifyou'll let us."
Aahz was standing motionless with his back to me.Now that I had vented my anger, I found myself suddenly regretful for having ground it in so mercilessly.
"Aahz?" I asked, stepping in behind him. "Hey!C'mon, we've got to give it back and get Tanda."
Slowly he turned his head until our gazes met.There was a faraway light in his eyes I had never seenbefore.
"Give it back?" he said softly. "Whatdaya mean,'Give it back'? That's my birthday present!"
"... and then the fun began."
N. BONAPARTE
I HAD attended war councils before. I hadn't beenwild about it as a pastime even then, but I had doneit. On those occasions, however, our side was theonly one with the vaguest skills in magik. This time,all three sides would have magicians in attendance.My joy knew definite bounds; in fact, I didn't wantto be there at all.
"Maybe they won't come," I suggested hopefully.
"With their precious Trophy on the line?" Aahzgrinned. "Not a chance. They'll be here."
"If they got the messages," I corrected. "Griffinmay have just headed for the horizon."
My mentor cocked an eyebrow at me. "Think backto the days before you were an apprentice, kid," hesuggested. "If a magician gave you a message todeliver, would you try to get away?"
"Well..." I conceded.
"They'll be here," he concluded firmly. "I justhope Quigley gets here first."
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MYTH DIRECTIONS 113
My last hope gone, I resigned myself to the
meeting and turned my attention to our immediatesurroundings.
"Can you at least tell me why we're meeting
here?" I asked. "Why not in the forest where we'dhave some trees to duck behind if things get ugly?What's so special about this statatorium?"
"That's stadium, kid," my mentor corrected, rolling his eyes. "And there're three good reasons to setup the meeting here. First of all, both the Veygansand the Ta-hoers know where it is. Second, they bothacknowledge it as neutral ground."
"And third?" I prompted.
"You said it yourself," Aahz shrugged. "There'sno cover. Nothing at all to hide behind."
"That's good?"
"Think it through, kid," my mentor sighed. "Ifwe can hide behind a tree, so could someone else. Thedifference is, they have more people to hide."
"You mean they might try to ambush us?" I
blinked.
"It's a possibility. I only hope that having themeeting in the open like this will lower the probabil-ity."
One thing I have to admit about Aahz. Any timeI'm nervous, I can count on him to say just the rightthing to convert my nervousness to near-hystericpanic.
"Urn .. . Aahz," I began carefully. "Isn't it abouttime you let me in on this master plan of yours?"
"Sure," my mentor grinned. "We're going to havea meeting with representatives from both Veygus andTa-hoe."
"But what are you going to say to them?" I
pressed.
"You're missing the point, kid. The reason I'mmeeting with both of them at once is because I don'twant to have to repeat myself. Now, if I explaineverything to you now, I'll only have to repeat myself 114 Robert Asprin
at the meeting. Understand?"
"No," I announced bluntly. "I don't. I'm supposed to be your apprentice, aren't I? Well, how am Igoing to help out if I don't know what's going on?"
"That's a good point," Aahz conceded. "I wish
you had raised it earlier. Because now it's too late.Our guests are arriving."
I turned to look in the direction he was pointingand discovered he was right. A small group hademerged from one of the entrances halfway up theside of the stadium and was filing down the stairstoward the field where we were waiting. Watchingthem descend, I was struck again by the enormity ofthe stadium. I had realized it was large when we firstarrived and I saw the rows and rows of seats circlingthe field. Now, however, seeing how tiny the grouplooked in this setting made me all the more aware ofexactly how large the stadium really was. As wewaited, I tried to imagine the seats filled with thousands upon thousands of people all staring down atthe field and the very thought of it made me uneasy.Fortunately, the odds of my ever actually seeing itwere very, very low.
The group was close enough now for us to distinguish between individuals. This didn't do us muchgood, though, as we didn't know any of the individuals involved. I finally recognized Griffin in theirranks, and from that figured out it was the Ta-hoedelegation approaching. Once I realized that, I managed to spot Quigley bringing up the rear. I wouldhave recognized him sooner, but he was disguised asa Jahk, which threw me for a moment; Actually, itmade sense. I mean, Aahz and I were currently disguised as Jahks, so it was only logical that Quigleywould also be hiding his extra-dimensional origins aswell. Sometimes it bothers me that I seem to habitu-ally overlook the obvious.
"That's far enough!" Aahz boomed.
The group halted obediently a stone's throw away.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 115
It occurred to me it might be better if they were alittle more than a stone's throw away, but I keptquiet.
"We're ready to discuss the return of the
Trophy," one of the delegates called, stepping forward.
"We're not," my mentor retorted.
This caused a minor stir in the group and theybegan to mumble darkly among themselves.
"Aahz!" I urged.
"What I mean to say," Aahz added hastily, "is
that what we have to say will wait until the other delegation arrives. In the meantime, I wish a word withyour master magician."
There was a brief huddle, then Quigley came forward to join us. Even at a distance I could see he wasupset.
"Hi. Quigley," Aahz grinned. "How's tricks?"
"I certainly hope you have an explanation for
this," the ex-demon hunter snapped, ignoring thecordial greeting.
"Explanation for what?" my mentor countered innocently.
"You promised ... or rather, Master Skeeve did. . . that you two wouldn't do anything to endangermy job."
"And we haven't," Aahz finished.
"Yes, you have!" Quigley insisted. "The councilexpects me to use my magik to get the Trophy awayfrom you at this meeting. If I don't, I can kiss my jobgoodbye."
"Don't worry," my mentor soothed. "We've
taken that into account."
"We have?" I murmured in wonder.
Aahz shot me a black look and continued.
"I guarantee that by the end of the meeting thecouncil won't expect you to perform any magik
against us."
"You mean you'll give the Trophy back voluntar---
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ily?" Quigley asked, brightening noticeably. "I mustsay that's decent of you."
"No, it isn't," Aahz corrected, "and we're notgoing to give it back. All I said was they wouldn't ex-pect you to get it for them with magik."
"But"
"The reason I wanted to talk with you," Aahz interrupted, "was to clarify a little something from ourprevious conversation."
"What's that?" Quigley frowned.
"Well, you promised to release Tanda if the
Trophy was returned. Now, if Ta-hoe has a chance totake the Trophy back, and then doesn't do it, is thedeal still on? Will you let her go?"
"I ... I suppose so," the ex-demon hunter ac---
quiesced, gnawing his lip. "But I can't imagine themnot wanting it."
"Wanting something and being able to take it aretwo different things," Aahz grinned.
"But I'm supposed to be helping them with my
magik!"
"Not this time, you aren't," my mentor corrected."I've already told you that"
"Is this a private chat, boys? Or can anybody joinin?"
We all turned to find Massha lumbering towardsus. The rest of the Veygus delegation waited behindher, having apparently arrived while we were talkingto Quigley.
"Good God! What's that?" Quigley gasped, gap---
ing at Massha's approaching bulk.
"That's Massha," I volunteered casually. "You
know, the Veygans' magician!"
"That's Massha?" he echoed, swallowing hard.
"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Aahz suggested, "there are a few things we have to discusswith her before the meeting."
"Of course, certainly."
The ex-demon hunter beat a hasty retreat, apparently relieved at being able to avoid a face-to-facemeeting with his rival.
"The council there tells me that was Quigley youwere just talking to," Massha announced, trackinghis flight with her eyes. "Is that true?"
"Umm ... yes," I admitted.
"You boys wouldn't be trying to double-cross oldMassha, would you?" Her tone was jovial, but hereyes narrowed suspiciously.
"My dear lady!" Aahz gasped. "You wound me!
Didn't we promise to neutralize Quigley's demon foryou?"
"You sure did."
"And it would be extremely difficult to engineerthat without at least being on speaking terms withQuigley. Wouldn't it?"
"Well... yes."
"So no sooner do we start working on the projectthan you accuse us of double-crossing you! We
should leave right now and let you solve your ownproblems."
I had to suppress a smile. Aahz looking indignantis a comical sight at best. Massha, however, swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
"Now, don't be that way," she pleaded. "I didn'tmean to get ya all out of joint. Besides, do you blameme for being a little suspicious after you up and madeoff with the Trophy?"
Aahz sighed dramatically. "Didn't we say not tobe surprised at anything we did? Geez! I guess it'swhat we should expect, trying to deal with someonewho can't comprehend the subtlety of our plans."
"You mean stealing the Trophy is part of your
plan to neutralize the demon?" Massha asked, wide-eyed with awe.
"Of course!" Aahz waved. "Or it was. You see,
Quigley got the demon to help get the Trophy awayfrom Veygus. Now, if Veygus doesn't have the
Trophy, he doesn't need the demon, right?"
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Robert Asprin
"Sounds a little shaky to me," the sorceress
frowned.
"You're right," Aahz acknowledged. "That's whyI was so glad when the k ... I mean, when MasterSkeeve here came up with this new plan."
"I did?"
Aahz's arm closed around my shoulders in an irongrip which eliminated any thoughts of protest frommy mind.
"He's so modest," my mentor explained. "You'veheard what a genius tactician he is? Well, he's comeup with a way to neutralize the demon . . . and giveVeygus a good chance at retrieving the Trophy."
"I'm dying to hear it," Massha proclaimed
eagerly.
"Me, too," I mumbled. Aahz's grip tightened
threateningly.
"Then I guess we're ready to get started," he declared. "You'd better rejoin your delegation.
Wouldn't want it to look like we're playing favorites.And remember . . . agree with us no matter what wesay. We're on your side."
"Right!" she winked, and headed off.
"Say, um, Aahz," I managed at last.
"Yeah, kid?"
"If you're on Quigley's side and on Massha's side,who's on my side?"
"I am, of course."
I had been afraid he was going to say somethinglike that. It was becoming increasingly clear thatAahz was going to come out of this in pretty goodshape no matter how it ran. I didn't have much timeto ponder the point, though.
Aahz was beckoning the groups forward to startthe meeting.
Tm sure we can talk things out like
civilized people."
J. WAYNE
"I SUPPOSE you're all wondering why I called youhere," my mentor began with a grin.
I think he intended it as a joke. I've gotten so Irecognize his "waiting for a laugh" grin. Unfortunately, he was trying it on the wrong crowd. Jahksaren't generally noted for their sense of humor.
"I assume it's to talk about the Trophy," a distinguished individual from the Ta-hoe group observeddryly. "Otherwise we're wasting our time."
"Oh, it's about the Trophy," Aahz assured him
hastily.
"Which you stole from us!" a Veygan contributedvenomously.
"After you stole it from us!" the Ta-hoer speakershot back.
"Only after you cheated us out of it at the BigGame."
"That call was totally legal! The rules clearlystate...."
"That rule hasn't been enforced for three hundred
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Robert Asprin
years. There are four rulings on record which havesince contradicted...."
"Gentlemen, please!" Aahz called, holding up hishands for order. "All that is water under the draw-bridge, as well as being totally beside the point. Remember, neither of you currently have the Trophy.We do."
There was a moment of tense silence as both sidesabsorbed this observation. Finally, the Ta-hoerspeaker stepped forward.
"Very well," he said firmly. "Name your price
for its return. The Ta-hoe Council is prepared tooffer..."
"Veygus will top any offer Ta-hoe makes."
"And Ta-hoe will double any offer that Veygus
makes," the speaker shot back.
This was starting to sound pretty good to me.
Maybe I've been hanging around with Aahz too long,but the potential financial benefits of our situationimpressed me as being exceptionally good. The onlyforeseeable difficulty was Aahz's insistence that hewas going to keep his birthday present.
"If you try anything, our magician will..."
"Your magician! We fired her. If she tries anything, our magician will..."
The raging debate forced its way into my consciousness again. That last bit sounded like it couldget very ugly very quickly. I snuck a nervous glanceat Aahz, but as usual he was way ahead of me.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" he admonished, raisinghis hands once more.
"Who are you calling a gentleman?"
"And ladies," my mentor amended, squinting at
the source of the voice. "What-da-ya know. ERAstrikes again."
"What's an eerah?" the Ta-hoe spokesman
frowned, echoing my thoughts exactly.
"It seems," Aahz continued, ignoring the questionentirely, "that our motives have been misconstrued.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 121
We didn't appropriate the Trophy to ransom it.Quite the contrary. It has been our intention all alongto see that it goes to its rightful owners."
An ugly growl arose from the Veygans.
"Excellent!" beamed the Ta-hoe spokesman. "If
you won't accept a reward, will you at least accom-pany us back to town as our guests. There's sure tobe celebrating and..."
"I said 'the rightful owner.' " Aahz smiled, cutting him off.
The spokesman paused, his smile melting to a dangerous scowl. "Are you saying we aren't the rightfulowners?" he snarled. "If you thought Veygus had abetter claim, why did you steal it in the first place?"
"Let me run it past you one more time," my
mentor sighed. "The Trophy's going to its rightfulowner. That lets Veygus out, too."
That took the spokesman aback. I didn't blame
him. Aahz's logic had me a bit confused, too ... andI was on his side!
"If I understand it correctly," Aahz continuedgrandly, "the Trophy goes to the winning teamthatwins the Big Gameas their award for being the year's best team. Is that right?"
"Of course," the spokesman nodded.
"Why do you assume the team that wins the Big
Game is the best team?" Aahz asked innocently.
"Because there are only two teams. So it followslogically that.. ."
"That's where you're wrong," my mentor interrupted. "There is another team."
"Another team?" the spokesman blinked.
"That's right. A team that neither of your teamshas faced, much less beaten. Now, we maintain thatuntil that team is defeated, neither Ta-hoe norVeygus has the right to declare their team the year'sbest!"
My stomach did a flip-flop. I was getting a badfeeling about this.
122 Robert Asprin
"That's ridiculous!" called the Veygus spokesman. "We've never heard of another team. Whoseteam is this, anyway?"
"Ours," Aahz smiled. "And we're challenging
both your teams to a game, a three-way match, righthere in thirty days ... Winner takes all."
Bad feeling confirmed. For a moment, I considered altering my disguise and sneaking out withone of the delegations. Then I realized that optionwas closed. Both groups had stepped back well out ofear-shot to discuss Aahz's proposal. That put themfar away, so that I couldn't join them without beingnoticed. With nothing else to do, I turned on Aahz.
"This is your plan?" I demanded. "Setting us upto play a game we know absolutely nothing aboutagainst not one but two teams who've been playing itfor five hundred years? That's not a plan, that's adisaster!"
"I figure it's our best chance to spring Tanda andkeep the Trophy, "my mentor shrugged.
"It's a chance to get our heads beaten in," I corrected. "There's got to be an easier way."
"There was," Aahz agreed. "Unfortunately, you
eliminated it when you promised we wouldn't doanything to endanger Quigley's job."
I hate it when Aahz is right. I hate it almost asmuch as getting caught in my own stupid blunders.More often than not, those two phenomena occursimultaneously in my life.
"Why didn't you tell me about this plan before?"I asked to hide my discomfort.
"Would you have gone along with it if I had?"
"No."
"That's why."
"What happens if we refuse your challenge?" theTa-hoe spokesman called.
"Then we consider ourselves the winners by
default," Aahz replied.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 123
"Well, Veygus will be there," came the decisionfrom the other group.
"And so will Ta-hoe," was the spontaneous response.
"If I might ask," the Ta-hoe spokesman queried,"why did you pick a date thirty days from now?"
"It'll take time for you to lay out a triangularfield," my mentor shrugged. "And besides, I
thought your merchants would require more than aweek to prepare their souvenirs."
There were nods in both groups for that reasoning.
"Then it's agreed?" Aahz prompted.
"Agreed!" roared Veygus.
"Agreed!" echoed Ta-hoe.
"Speaking of merchandizing," the Ta-hoe spokesman commented, "what is the name of your team?We'll need it before we can go into production of thesouvenirs."
"We're called 'The Demons,' " Aahz said, winking at me. In a flash I saw that his plan really was."Would you like to know why?"
"Well ... I would assume it's because you playlike demons," the Ta-hoe spokesman stammered.
"Not 'like' demons!" my mentor grinned. "Shallwe show them, partner?"
"Why not?" I smiled, closing my eyes.
In a moment, our disguises were gone, and for thefirst time the delegates had a look at what was opposing them.
"As I was saying," Aahz announced, showing allhis teeth, "not 'like' demons."
It was a good gambit, and it should have worked.Any sane person would quake at the thought of tak-ing on a team of demons. No sacrifice would be toogreat to avoid the confrontation. We had overlookedone minor detail, however. Jahks 'are not sanepeople.
"Excellent," the Ta-hoe spokesman exclaimed.
"What?" Aahz blinked, his smile fading.
124 Robert Asprin
"This should keep the odds even," the spokesmancontinued. "That's what we were discussing . . .whether you could field a good enough team to makea fight of it. But now . . . well, everyone will want tosee//usmatchup."
"You . . . aren't afraid of playing against
demons?" my mentor asked slowly.
Now it was the spokesman's turn to smile.
"My dear fellow," he chortled, "if you had everseen our teams play, you wouldn't have to ask thatquestion."
With that, he turned and rejoined his delegation asthe two groups prepared to withdraw from the meeting.
"Didn't you listen in on their conversations?" Ihissed.
"If you'll recall," Aahz growled back, "I was
busy talking with you at the time."
"Then we're stuck," I moaned.
"Maybe not," he corrected. "Quigley! Could we
have a word with you?''
The ex-demon hunter lost no time in joining us.
"I must say," he chortled. "You boys did an excellent job of getting me out of a tight spot there.Now it's a matter of pride for them to win theTrophy back on the playing field."
"Swell," Aahz growled. "Now how about your
part of the deal? Ta-hoe has its chance, so there's noreason for you to keep Tanda."
"Mmm ... yes and no," Quigley corrected. "It
occurs to me that if I release her now, then you'llhave the Trophy and Tanda, and would thereforehave no motive to return for the game. To fulfill yourpromise, to give Ta-hoe a chance for the Trophy, thegame will have to take place. Then I'll releaseTanda."
"Thanks a lot," my mentor spat.
"Don't mention it," the ex-demon hunter waved
as he went to rejoin his group.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 125
"Now what do we do?" I asked.
"We form a team," Aahz shrugged. "Hey, Griffin!"
"What is it now?" the youth growled.
"We have one more job for you," my mentor
smiled. "All you have to do is help us train our team.There are ... a few points of the game that aren'tvery clear to us."
"No," said Griffin firmly.
"Now look, short stuff. . ."
"Wait a minute, Aahz," I interrupted. "Griffin,this time we aren't threatening you. I'm offering youa job at good wages to help us."
"What!?" Aahz shrieked.
"Shut up, Aahz."
"You don't understand," Griffin interrupted inturn. "Neither threats nor money will change mymind. I helped you steal the Trophy from Veygus,but I won't help you against my own team. I'd diebefore I'd do that."
"There are worse things than dying," Aahz suggested ominously.
"Let it drop, Aahz," I said firmly. "Thanks any-way, Griffin. You've been a big help when we neededyou, so I won't fault you for holding back now.Hurry up. The others are waiting."
We watched as he trotted off to join his delegation.
"You know, kid," Aahz sighed at last, "sometimewe're going to have to have a long talk about theselofty ideals of yours."
"Sure, Aahz," I nodded. "In the meantime, whatare we going to do about this game?"
"What else can we do?" my mentor shrugged.
"We put together a team."
"Just like that," I winced. "And where are we
going to find the players, much less someone who cantell us how the game is played?"
"Where else?" Aahz grinned, setting the D-Hopper. "The Bazaar at Deva!"
War III?"
R.REAGAN
AT several other points in this tale, I've referred tothe Bazaar at Deva. You may be wondering about it.So do I... and I've been there!
Deva is the home dimension of the Deveels, acknowledged to be the best traders anywhere. Youmay find references to them in your folklore. Dealswith Deveels are usually incredible and frequentlydisastrous. I've dealt with only two Deveels personally. One got me hung (not hung-over from drinkbut hung up by the neck!) and the other sold me mydragon, Gleep. I like to think that makes me even,but Aahz insists I'm batting zerowhatever thatmeans.
Anyway, there is a year-round, rock-the-clock
Bazaar in that dimension where the Deveels meet totrade with each other. Everything imaginable andmost things that aren't are available there. All youhave to do is bargain with the Deveels. Fortunately, 126
MYTH DIRECTIONS 127
the Bazaar is large enough that there is much duplica-tion, and sometimes you can play the dealers offagainst each other.
I had been here twice before, both times with
Aahz. This was, however, the first time I had beenhere when it was raining.
"It's raining," I pointed out, scowling at theoverhanging clouds. They were a dark orange, whichwas quite picturesque, but did nothing toward mak-ing getting wet more pleasant.
"I know it's raining," Aahz retorted tersely.
"C'mon. Let's step in here while I get my bearings."
"Here," in this case, was some sort of invisiblebubble enveloping one stall which seemed to be doingan admirable job of keeping the rain out. I've usedmagik wards before to keep out unwelcome in-truders, but it had never occurred to me to use itagainst the elements.
"Buying or looking, gentlemen?" the proprietorasked, sidling up to us.
I glanced at Aahz, but he was up on his tiptoes surveying the surroundings.
"Um... looking, I guess."
"Then stand in the rain!" came the snarling reply."Force fields cost money, you know. This is a
display, not a public service."
"What's a force field?" 1 stalled.
"Out!"
"C'mon, kid," Aahz said. "I know where we are
now."
"Where?" I asked suspiciously.
"In the stall of the Bazaar's rudest dealer," mymentor explained, raising his voice. "I wouldn't havebelieved it if I hadn't heard him with my own ears."
"What's that?" the proprietor scowled.
"Are you Garbelton?" Aahz asked, turning his attention on the proprietor.
"Well... yes."
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Robert Asprin
"Your reputation precedes you, sir," my mentorintoned loftily, "and is devastatingly accurate.Come, Master Skeeve, we'll take our business elsewhere."
"But, gentlemen!" Garbelton called desperately,"if you'll only reconsider ..."
The rest was lost as Aahz gathered me up and
strode off into the rain.
"What was that all about?" I demanded, breakingstride to jump a puddle. Aahz stepped squarely on it,splashing maroon mud all over my legs. Terrific. "That? Oh, just a little smokescreen to save face.It isn't good for your reputation to get thrown out ofplaces . .. particularly for not buying."
"You mean you hadn't heard of him before? Thenhow did you know his name?"
"It was right there on the stall's placard," Aahzgrinned. "Sure gave him a turn, though, didn't I?There's nothing a Deveel hates as much as losing apotential customer... except for giving a refund."
As much as I care for\*Aahz and appreciate the
guidance he's given me, he can be a bit stomach-turning when he starts gloating.
"We're still out in the rain," I pointed out.
"Ah, but now we know where we're going."
"We do?"
Aahz groaned, swerving to avoid a little old ladywho was squatting in the middle of the thoroughfarechortling over a cauldron. As we passed, a large hairypaw emerged from the cauldron's depth, but the ladywhacked it with her wooden spoon and it retreatedout 6f sight. Aahz ignored the entire proceedings.
"Look, kid," he explained, "we're looking for
two things here. First, we need to recruit someplayers for our team."
"How can we recruit for the team when we don'tknow the first thing about the game?" I interrupted.
"Second," my mentor continued tersely, "we have
to find someone who can fill us in on the details ofthe game."
"Oh."
Properly mollified, I plodded along beside him insilence for several moments, sneaking covert glancesat the displays we were passing. Then something occurred to me.
"Say ... ummmm, Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"You never answered my question. Where are we
going?"
"To the Yellow Crescent Inn."
"The Yellow Crescent Inn?" 1 echoed, brighteningslightly. "Are we going to see Gus?"
"That's right," Aahz grinned. "Gus is a heavy
bettor. He should be able to put us in touch with areliable bookie. Besides he owes us a favor. Maybewe can get him for the team."
"Good," I said, and meant it.
Gus is a gargoyle. He was part of the crew we usedto stop Big Julie's army and I trust him as much as Ido Aahz .. . maybe a little more. Anyone who's usedthe expression "heart of stone" to mean insensitivehas never met Gus. I assume his heart is stone, therest of him is, but he's one of the warmest, most sym-pathetic beings I've ever met. He's also without adoubt the stablest being that I've met through Aahz.If Gus joined our team, I'd worry a lot less . . . well,a little less. Then again, he might be too sensible toget involved in this madcap scheme. And as for thebookies...
"Hey, Aahz," I blinked. "What do we need a
bookie for?"
"To brief us on the game, of course."
"A bookie from Deva is going to tell us how toplay the game in Jahk?"
"It's the best we can do," Aahz shrugged. "Youheard Griffin. Nobody in Jahk will give us the time
130 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 131
of day, much less help us put a team together. Cheerup, though. Bookies are very knowledgeable in spectator sports, and the ones here in Deva are the best."
I pondered this for several moments, then decidedto ask the question that had been bothering me sincethe meeting.
"Aahz? When you issued the challenge, did you
really expect to play the game?"
My mentor stopped dead in his tracks and whirledto face me.
"Do you think I'd issue a challenge without intending to fight?" he demanded. "Do you think I'ma big-mouthed bluffer who'd rather talk his way outof trouble than fight?"
"It had crossed my mind," I admitted.
"Well, you're right," he grinned, resuming hisstride. "You're learning pretty fastfor a Klahd.No, I really thought they'd back down when we dropped our disguises. That and I didn't think Quigley would see through the ploy and call our hand."
"He's learning fast, too," I commented. "I'm
afraid he could become a real problem."
"Not a chance," my mentor snorted. "You've gothim beat cold in the magik department."
"Except I've promised not to move against him,"I observed glumly.
"Don't let it get you down," Aahz insisted, draping an arm around my shoulders. "We've both madesome stupid calls on this one. All we can do is playthe cards we're dealt."
"Bite the bullet, eh?" I grimaced.
"That's right. Say, you really are learning quick."I still didn't know what a bullet was, but I waspicking up some of Aahz's pet phrases. At least nowI could give the illusion of intelligence.
The Yellow Crescent Inn was in sight now. I
expected Aahz to quicken his pace ... I mean, itwas raining. Instead, however, my mentor slowed
slightly, peering at a mixed group of beings huddledunder a tent-flap.
"Hel-lo!" he exclaimed. "What have we here?"
"It looks like a mixed group of beings huddledunder a tent-flap," I observed dryly, or as dryly as Icould manage while dripping wet.
"It's a crap game," Aahz declared. "I can hear thedice."
Trust a Pervect to hear the sound of dice on mud ata hundred paces.
"So?" I urged.
"So I think we've found our bookie. The tall fel-low, thereat the back of the crowd. I've dealt withhim before."
"Are we going to talk to him now?" I asked
eagerly.
"Not 'we,' " Aahz corrected me. "Me. You get inenough trouble in cleancut crowds without my takingyou into a crap game. You're going to wait for me inthe Inn. Gus should be able to keep an eye on you."
"Oh, all right."
I was disappointed, but willing to get out of therain.
"And don't stop to talk to anyone between hereand there. Do you hear me?"
"Yes, Aahz," I nodded, starting off at a trot.
"And whatever you do, don't eat the food!"
"Are you kidding?" I laughed. "I've been here
before."
The food at the Yellow Crescent Inn is dubiousat best. Even after dimension hopping with Tanandaand seeing what was accepted as food elsewhere, Iwouldn't put anything from that place in my mouthvoluntarily.
As I approached, I could see through the door thatthe place was empty. This surprised me. I mean,from my prior experience, there was usually a good-sized crowd in there, and I would have expected the 132 Robert Asprin
rain to increase the number of loiterers.
Gus wasn't in sight, either; but the door was open,so I pushed my way in, relieved to be somewhere dryagain. I shouldn't have been.
No sooner had I gained entry when something likea large hand closed over the top of my head and I washoisted bodily from my feet.
"Little person!" a booming voice declared.
"Crunch likes little persons. Crunch likes little persons better than Big Macs. How do you taste, littleperson?"
With this last, I was rotated until I was hangingface to face with my assailant. In this case, I use theterm "face" loosely. It had felt like I was beingpicked up by a big hand because I was being pickedup by a big hand. At the other end of the big handwas the first and only troll it had been my misfortuneto meet... and he looked hungry.
"Why should I have to pay a troll just
to cross a bridge?"
B. G. GRUFF
WHILE I had never seen a troll before, I knew thatthis was one. I mean, he fit the description: tall,scraggly hair in patches, long rubbery limbs, mis-shapen face with runny eyes of unequal size. If itwasn't a troll, it would do until something betterorworsecame along.
I should have been scared, but strangely I wasn't.For some time now I had been ducking and weavingthrough some tight situations trying to avoid trouble.Now, Big Ugly here wanted to hassle me. This time, Iwasn't buying.
"Why little person not answer Crunch?" the trolldemanded, shaking me slightly.
"You want an answer?" I snarled. "Try this!"
Levitation is one of my oldest spells, and I used itnow. Reaching out with my mind, I picked up a chairand slammed it into his face.
He didn't even blink.
133
134 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 135
Then I got scared.
"What's going on out here?!" Gus bellowed,
charging out of the kitchen. "Any fights, and I'll...Skeeve!!"
"Tell your customer here to put me down before Itear off his arm and feed it to him!" I called, my confidence returning with the arrival of reinforcements.
I needn't have said anything. The effect of Gus'swords on the troll was nothing short of miraculous.
"Skeeve?" my assailant gaped, setting me gentlyon my feet. "I say. Bloody good to make your ac-quaintance. I've heard so much about you, you know. Chumly here."
The hand which had so recently fastened on my
head now seized my hand and began pumping it
gently with each adjective.
"Ummm ... a pleasure, I'm sure," I stammered,
trying vainly to retrieve my hand. "Say, weren't youtalking differently before?''
"Oh, you mean Crunch?" Chumly laughed.
"Beastly fellow. Still, he serves his purpose. Keepsthe riffraff at a distance, you know."
"What he's trying to say," Gus supplied, "is thatit's an act he puts on to scare people. It's lousy forbusiness when he drops in for a visit, but it doesmean we can talk uninterrupted. That's about theonly way you can talk to Chumly. He's terribly shy."
"Oh, tosh," the troll proclaimed, digging at thefloor with his toe. "I'm only giving the public what itwants. Not much work for a vegetarian troll, youknow."
"A vegetarian troll?" I asked incredulously.
"Weren't you about to eat me a minute ago?"
"Perish the thought," Chumly shuddered. "Presently I would have allowed you to squirm free andrun . . . except, of course, you wouldn't. Quite aspirited lad, isn't he?"
"You don't know the half of it," the gargoyle
answered through his perma-grin. "Why, when wetook on Big Julie's army..."
"Chumly!" Aahz exclaimed, bursting through thedoor.
"Aahz," the troll answered. "I say, this is a spotof all right. What brings you ..."
He broke off suddenly, eyeing the Deveel who hadfollowed Aahz into the inn.
"Oh, don't mind the Geek here," my mentor
waved. "He's helping us with some trouble we'rehaving."
"The Geek? "I frowned.
"It's a nickname," the Deveel shrugged.
"I knew it," Gus proclaimed, sinking into a chair."Or I should have known it when I saw Skeeve. Theonly time you come to visit is when there's trouble."
"If you blokes are going to have a war council,perhaps I'd better amble along," Chumly suggested.
"Stick around," Aahz instructed. "It involves
Tanda."
"Tanda?" the troll frowned. "What has that bitof fluff gone and gotten herself into now?"
"You know Tanda?" I asked.
"Oh, quite," Chumly smiled. "She's my little
sister."
"Your sister?" I gaped.
"Rather. Didn't you notice the family resemblance?"
"Well... I, ah ... " I fumbled.
"Don't let him kid you," my mentor grinned.
"Tanda and Chumly are from Trollia, where the menare Trolls and the women are Trollops. With menlike this back home, you can understand why Tandaspends as much time as she does dimension hopping."
"That's quite enough of that," Chumly instructedfirmly. "I want to hear what's happened to littlesister."
136 Robert Asprin
"In a bit," Aahz waved. "First let's see what information the Geek here has for us."
"I can't believe I let you pull me out of a hot crapgame to meet with this zoo," the Deveel grumbled.
"Zoo?" echoed Gus. He was still smiling, but
then, he always smiled. Personally, I didn't like thetone of his voice.
Apparently Aahz didn't either, as he hastened tomove the conversation along.
"You should thank me for getting you out," he
observed, "before the rest of them figured out thatyou'd switched the dice."
"You spotted that?" the Geek asked, visibly impressed. "Then maybe it's just as well I bailed out.When a Pervert can spot me ..."
"That's a Pervect!" Aahz corrected, showing allhis teeth.
"Oh! Yes ... of course," the Deveel amended,
pinking visibly.
For his sake, I hoped he had some good information for us. In an amazingly short time he had managed to rub everyone wrong. Then again, Deveelshave never been noted for their personable ways.
"So what can you tell us about the game on
Jahk?" I prompted.
"How much are you paying me?" the Geek
yawned.
"As much as the information's worth," Aahz supplied grimly. "Probably more."
The Deveel studied him for a moment, then
shrugged.
"Fair enough," he declared. "You've always
made good on your debts, Aahz. I suppose I can trustyou on this one."
"So what can you tell us?" I insisted.
Now it was my turn to undergo close scrutiny, butthe gaze turned on me was noticeably colder than the
MYTH DIRECTIONS 137
one Aahz had suffered. With a lazy motion, the Geekreached down and pulled a dagger from his boot andtossed it aloft with a twirl. Catching it with his otherhand, he sent it up again, forming a glittering archfrom hand to hand, never taking his eyes from mine.
"You're pretty mouthy for a punk Klahd," he
observed. "Are you this mouthy when you don't
have a pack of goons around to back your move?"
"Usually," I admitted. "And they aren't goons,they're my friends."
As I spoke, I reached out once more with my mind,caught the knife, gave it an extra twirl, then stoppedit dead in the air, its point hovering bare inches fromthe Deveel's throat. Like I said, I was getting a littletired of people throwing their weight around.
The Geek didn't move a muscle, but now he was
watching the knife instead of me.
"In case you missed it the first time around," Gussupplied, still smiling, "this 'punk Klahd's' name isSkeeve.TheSkeeve."
The Deveel pinked again. I was starting to enjoyhaving a reputation.
"Why don't you sit down. Geek," Aahz suggested, "and tell the k . . . Skeeve . . . what he wantsto know?"
The Deveel obeyed, apparently eager to move
away from the knife. That being the case, I naturallylet it follow him.
Once he was seated, I gave it one last twirl and setit lightly on the table in front of him. That reassuredhim somewhat, but he still kept glancing at it nervously as he spoke.
"I ... urn ... I really don't have that much information," he began uncomfortably. "They onlyplay one game a year, and the odds are usuallyeven."
"How is the game played?" Aahz urged.
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MYTH DIRECTIONS 139
Robert Asprin
"Never seen it, myself," the Geek shrugged. "It'sone of those get-the-ball-in-the-net games. I'm morefamiliar with the positions than the actual play."
"Then what are the positions?" I asked.
"It's a five-man team," the Deveel explained.
"Two forwards, or Fangs, chosen for their speed andagility; one guard or Interceptor, for power; a goal-tender or Castle, who is usually the strongest man onthe team; and a Rider, a mounted player who is usedboth for attack and defense."
"Sounds straightforward enough," my mentor
commented.
"Can't you tell us anything at all about the play?"
I pressed.
"Well, I'm not up on the strategies," the Geekfrowned. "But I have a general idea of the action.The team in possession of the ball has four tries toscore a goal. They can move the ball by running,kicking, or throwing. Once the ball is immobilized,the try is over and they line up for their next try. Ofcourse, the defense tries to stop them."
"Run, kick, or throw," Aahz murmured.
"Hmmm . . . sounds like defense could be a problem. What are the rules regarding conduct on the
field?"
"Players can't use edged weapons on each other,"
the Deveel recited. "Any offenders will be shot down
on the spot."
"Sensible rule," I said, swallowing hard. "What
else?"
' 'That's it,'' the Geek shrugged.
"That's it?" Aahz exclaimed. "No edged weapons? That'sit?"
"Both for the rules and my knowledge of the
game," the Deveel confirmed. "Now, if we can settleaccounts, I'll be on my way."
1 wanted to cross-examine him, but Aahz caught
my eye and shook his head.
"Would you settle for a good tip?" he asked.
"Only if it was a really good tip," the Geek
responded dourly.
"Have you heard about the new game on Jahk?
The three-way brawl that's coming up?"
"Of course," the Deveel shrugged.
"You have?" I blinked. I mean we had only justset it up!
"I have a professional stake in keeping up on
these things."
"Uh-huh!" my mentor commented judiciously.
"How are the odds running?"
"Even up for Ta-hoe and Veygus. This new team isthrowing everyone for a loop, though. Since no onecan get a line on them, they're heavy underdogs."
"If we could give you an inside track on this dark-horse team," Aahz said, looking at the ceiling,"would that square our account?"
"You know about the Demons?" the Geek asked
eagerly. "If you do, it's a deal. With inside info, Icould be the only one at the Bazaar with the data tofix the real odds."
"Done!" my mentor declared. "We're the
Demons."
That got him. The Geek sagged back in his chairfor a moment, open mouthed. Then he cocked hishead at us.
"You mean, you're financing the team?"
"We are the team ... or part of it. We're still putting it together."
The Deveel started to say something, then changedhis mind. Rising silently, he headed for the door,hesitated with one hand on the knob, then left without saying a word.
Somehow, I found his reaction ominous.
"How 'bout that, kid," Aahz chortled. "I got the
140 Robert Asprin
information without paying a cent!"
"I don't like the way he looked," I announced,still staring at the door.
"C'mon. Admit it! I just got us a pretty good
deal."
"Aahz?" I said slowly. "What is it you always
told me about dealing with Deveels?"
"Hmmm? Oh, you mean, 'If you think you've
made a good deal with a Deveel...!'"
He broke off, his jubilance fading.
" 'First count your fingers, then your limbs, thenyour relatives!' " I finished for him. "Are you sureyou got a good deal?''
Our eyes met, and neither of us were smiling.
"What are friends for?"
R. M. NIXON
WE were still pondering our predicament, when
Chumly interrupted our thoughts.
"You blokes do seem to be having a bit of difficulty," he said, draping an arm around both of ourshoulders. "But if it wouldn't be too much trouble,could you enlighten me as to what all this has to dowithTanda?"
Normally, this would sound like a casual request.When one pauses to consider, however, that thecasual request was coming from a troll half again astall as we were, and capable of mashing our headslike normal folks squash grapes, the request takes ona high priority no matter how politely it's phrased.
"Well, you know this game we're talking about?"Aahz began uneasily.
"Tanda's the prize," I finished lamely.
Chumly was silent. Then his grip on my shouldertightened slightly.
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142 Robert Asprin
"Forgive me," he smiled. "For a moment there Ithought you said my little sister is the prize in someprimitive, spectator brawl."
"Actually," Aahz explained hastily, trying to edgeaway, "the kid, here, was there when she was captured."
"But it was Aahz that got her involved in the
game," I countered, edging in the other direction.
"You chaps got her into this?" the troll askedsoftly, his grip holding us firmly in place. "I thoughtyou were trying to rescue her."
"Whoa! Everybody calm down!" Gus ordered,
stepping into the impending brawl. "Nobody wrecksthis place but me. Chumly, let's all sit down and hearthis from the top."
I was pretty calm myself ... at least, I wasn'tabout to start a fight. Still, Gus's suggestion was awelcome change in direction from the one the conversation was headed in.
This time, I needed no prompting to let Aahz dothe talking. While he gets trapped in oversights fromtime to time, if given free rein, he can and has talkedus out of some seemingly impossible situations. Thiswas no exception. Though he surprised me by sticking to the truth, by the time he was done, Chumly'sfrozen features had softened to a thoughtful stare.
"I must say," the troll commented finally, "itseems little sister has done it to herself this time. Youseem to have tried everything you could to effect herrelease."
"We could give the Trophy back," I suggested.
Aahz kicked me under the table.
"Out of the question," Chumly snorted. "It's
Aahz's gift fair and square. If Tanda got herself introuble acquiring it, that's bloody well her problem.You can't expect Aahz to feel responsible."
"Yes, I can," I corrected.
"No," the troll declared. "The only acceptable
MYTH DIRECTIONS 143
solution is to trounce these blighters soundly at theirown game. I trust you'll allow me to fill a position onyour team?"
"I'd had my hopes," my mentor grinned.
"Count me in, too," Gus announced, flexing hisstone wings. "Can't let you all go into a brawl likethis without my steadying influence.''
"See, kid?" Aahz grinned. "Things are looking upalready."
"Say, Aahz," I said carefully. "It occurs to me. . . you know that Rider position? Well, it seems tome we'd have a big psychological advantage if ourRider was sitting on top of a dragon."
"You're right."
"Aw, c'mon, Aahz! Just because Gleep's a bit...Did you say 'you're right'?"
"Right. Affirmative. Correct," my mentor
nodded. "Sometimes you come up with some prettygood ideas."
"Gee, Aahz..."
"But not that stupid little dragon of yours," he insisted. "We're going to use that monster we got withBig Julie's army."
"But, Aahz. .."
"But, Aahz nothing! C'mon, Gus! Close up shop
here. We're heading for Klah to pick up a dragon!"
Now, Klah is my home dimension, and no matter
what my fellow dimension travelers say, I think it's apretty nice one to live in. Still, after spending extensive time in some other dimensions, however pleasantly familiar the sights of Klah seem, they do look alittle drab.
Aahz had surprised me by bringing us well north ofPossiltum, instead of at our own quarters in the royalpalace. I inquired about this, and for a change mymentor gave me a straight answer.
"It's all in how you set the D-Hopper," he ex---
144 Robert Asprin
plained. "You've got eight dials to play with, andthey let you control both which dimension you're go-ing to as well as where you are when you arrive."
"Does that mean we could use it to go from oneplace to another in the same dimension?" I asked.
"Hmmm," Aahz frowned. "I really don't know.
It never occurred to me to try. We'll have to checkinto it sometime."
"Well then, why did you pick this arrival point?"
"That's easy," my mentor grinned, gesturing atour colleagues. "I wasn't sure what our reception atthe palace would be like if we arrived with a troll anda gargoyle."
He had me there. At the Bazaar disguises had beenunnecessary, and I had gotten so used to seeingstrange beings around me it had completely slippedmy mind that our group would be a strange sight tothe average Klahd.
"Sorry, Aahz," I flushed. "I forgot."
"Don't worry about it," my mentor waved. "If ithad been important I would have said something toyou before we left the Bazaar. I just wanted to shakeyou up a little to remind you to pay attention todetails. The real reason we're here instead of at thepalace is, we want to see Big Julie, and I'm too lazyto walk the distance if we could cover it with the D-Hopper."
Despite his reassurances, I got to work correctingmy oversight. To redeem myself, I decided to showAahz I had been practicing during my tour withTananda. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on disguis-ing Gus and Chumly at the same time.
"Not bad, kid," Aahz commented. "They're a
little villainous looking, but acceptable."
"I thought it would help us avoid trouble if theylooked a little mean," I explained modestly.
"Not bad?" Chumly snarled. "I look like a
Klahd!"
MYTH DIRECTIONS 145
"I think you look cute as a Klahd," Gus quipped.
"Cute? CUTE?" Chumly bristled. "Who ever
heard of a cute troll? I say, Aahz, is this really necessary?"
"Unfortunately, yes," my mentor replied, his grinbelying his expression of sympathy. "Remember,you aren't supposed to be a troll just now. Just ahumble citizen of this lower than humble dimension."
"Why aren't you disguised?" the troll asked
suspiciously, obviously unconvinced.
"I'm already known around here as the apprenticeof the court magician," Aahz countered innocently."Folks are used to seeing me like this."
"Well," Chumly grumbled, "there'll be bloody
Hell to pay if anyone I know sees me looking likethis."
"If anyone you know sees you like this, they won'trecognize you," I pointed out cautiously.
The troll thought about that for a moment, thenslowly nodded his head.
"I suppose you're right," he conceded at last."Let's off to find this Big Julie, hmmm? The lesstime I spend looking like this, the better."
"Don't get your hopes too high," Aahz cautioned."We're going to do our training in this dimension, soyou might as well get used to being a Klahd for awhile."
"Bloody Hell," was the only reply.
True to his plans for retirement. Big Julie wasrelaxing on the lawn of his cottage, drinking winewhen we arrived. To the casual observer, he mightseem nothing more than a spindly old man basking inthe sun. Then again, the casual observer wouldn'thave known him when he was commanding the mightiest army ever to grace our dimension. This wasprobably just as well. Julie was still hiding from a
146 Robert Asprin
particularly nasty batch of loan sharks who were verycurious as to why he and his men gave up soldiering. . . and hence their ability to pay back certain oldgambling debts.
"Aye! Hello, boys!" he boomed, waving en---
thusiastically. "Long time no see, ya know? Pull up achair and have some wine. What brings you out thisway,eh?"
"A little bit of pleasure and a lot of business,"Aahz explained, casually gathering to his bosom theonly pitcher of wine in sight. "We've got a little fa-vor to ask."
"If it's mine, it's yours," Julie announced.
"Whatdayaneed?"
"Is there any more wine?" I asked hastily.
Long years of experience had taught me not to ex-pect Aahz to share a pitcher of wine. One was barelyenough for him.
"Sure. I got lots. Badaxe is inside now gettingsome."
"Badaxe?" Aahz frowned. "What's he doing
here?"
"At the moment, wondering what you're doing
here," came a booming voice.
We all turned to find the shaggy-mountain form ofPossiltum's general framed in the doorway of thecottage, a pitcher of wine balanced in each hand.Hugh Badaxe always seemed to me to be more beastthan man, though I'll admit his curly dark hair andbeard when viewed in conjunction with his favoriteanimal skin cloak contributed greatly to the image.Of course, beasts didn't use tools, while Badaxedefinitely did. A massive double-edged axe dangledconstantly from his belt, at once his namesake andhis favorite tool of diplomacy.
"We just dropped in to have a few words with BigJulie here," my mentor replied innocently.
"What about?" the general demanded. "I thought
MYTH DIRECTIONS 147
we agreed that all military matters would be broughtto me before seeking Big Julie's advice. I am theCommander of Possiltum's army, you know."
"Now, Hugh," Julie soothed, "the boys just
wanted to ask me for a little favor, that's all. If it involved the army, they would've come to you. Right,boys?"
Aahz and I nodded vigorously. Gus and Chumly
looked blank. We had overlooked briefing them onGeneral Badaxe and his jealousies regarding power.
"You see?" Julie continued. "Now, then, Aahz,
what sort of favor can I do for you?"
"Nothing much," my mentor shrugged. "We were
wondering if we could borrow your dragon for a littlewhile."
"My dragon? What do you need my dragon for?
You've already got a dragon."
"We need a big dragon," Aahz evaded.
"A big dragon?" Julie echoed, frowning. "It
sounds like you boys are into something dangerous."
"Don't worry," I interjected confidently, "I'll beriding the dragon in the Game, so nothing ..."
"Game?" Badaxe roared. "I knew it. You're
going into a war game without even consulting me."
"It's not a war game," I insisted.
"Yes, it is," Aahz corrected.
"It is?" I blinked.
"Think about it, kid," my mentor urged. "Any
spectator sport with teams is a form of wargaming."
"Then why wasn't I informed?" Badaxe
blustered. "As commander of Possiltum's armed
forces, any war games to be held fall under my juris-diction."
"General," Aahz sighed, "the game isn't going tobe played in this kingdom."
"Any military . . . oh!" Badaxe paused, confusedby this turn of events. "Well, if it involves anymembers of my army ..."
148 Robert Asprin
"It doesn't," my mentor interrupted. "This exercise only involves a five-man team, and we've filled itwithout drawing on the army's resources."
A bell went off in my mind. I ran a quick check,which only confirmed my fears.
"Um...Aahz..."Ibegan.
"Not now, kid," he growled, "You see, general,all your paranoid fears were ..."
"Aahz!" I insisted.
"What is it?" my mentor snarled, turning on me.
"We haven't got five players, only four."
"We've got an unbeatable team!"
SAURON
"FOUR?" Aahz echoed blankly.
"I count real good up to five," I informed himloftily, "and you, me, Gus and Chumly only makefour. See? One, two, three..."
"All right! I get the message," my mentor interrupted, scowling at our two comrades. "Say Gus! Idon't suppose Berfert's along, is he?"
"C'mon, Aahz," I chided, "we can't claim a salamander as a team member."
"Shut up, kid. How 'bout it, Gus?"
"Not this time," the gargoyle shrugged. "He raninto a ladyfriend of his, and they decided to take avacation together."
"A lady friend?" Aahz asked, arching an eyebrow.
"That's right," Gus nodded. "You might say
she's an old flame."
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150
"An old flame," the troll grinned. "I say, that's
rather good."
For a change, / got the joke, and joined Gus andChumly in a hearty round of laughter, while Badaxe
and Julie looked puzzled.
Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"That's all I need," he groaned. "One member
short, and the ones I've got are half-wits. Whenyou're all quite through, I'm open to suggestions asto where we're going to find a fifth team member.""I'll fill the position," Badaxe said calmly.
"You?" I gulped, my laughter forgotten.
"Of course," the general nodded. "It's my duty.""Maybe I didn't make myself clear," Aahz interjected. "Possiltum isn't involved in this at all."
"But its magician and his apprentice are," Badaxeadded pointedly. "You're both citizens of Possiltum,and rather prominent citizens at that. Like it or not,my duty is to protect you with any means at mydisposaland in this case, that means me."
I hadn't thought of that. In a way, it was kind ofnice. Still, I wasn't wild about the general puttinghimself in danger on our account.
"Ummm ... I appreciate your offer, general," Ibegan carefully, "but the game's going to be played a
long way from here."
"If you can survive the journey, so can I," Badaxe
countered firmly.
"But you don't understand!"
"Kid," Aahz interrupted in a thoughtful tone,
"why don't you introduce him to his potential teammates?"
"What? Oh, I'm sorry. General Badaxe, this is
Gus, and that's Chumly."
"No," my mentor smiled. "I mean introduce
him."
"Oh!" I said. "General, meet the rest of our
team."
As I spoke, I dropped the disguise spell, revealingboth gargoyle and troll in their true forms.
"Gus!" Big Julie roared. "I thought I recognizedyour voice."
"Hi, Julie!" the gargoyle waved. "How's retirement?"
"Pretty dull. Hey, help yourself to some wine!"
"Thanks."
Gus stepped forward and took the two pitchers ofwine from the general's nerveless grip, passing one toChumly. It occurred to me that I was the only one ofthe crew who wasn't getting a drink out of this.
The general was transfixed, his eyes darting fromgargoyle to troll and back again. He had paledslightly, but to his credit he hadn't given ground aninch.
"Well, Badaxe," Aahz grinned, "still want to jointhe team?"
The general licked his lips nervously, then tore hiseyes away from Gus and Chumly.
"Certainly," he announced. "I'd be proud to fightalongside such . . . worthy allies. That is, if they'llhave me."
That dropped it in our laps.
"What do you think, Skeeve?" Aahz asked.
"You're the boss."
Correction. That dropped it in my lap. Aahz hadan annoying habit of yielding leadership just whenthings got sticky. I was beginning to suspect it wasn'talways coincidence.
"Well, Lord Magician?" Badaxe rumbled. "Will
you accept my services for this expedition?"
I was stuck. No one could deny Badaxe's value in afight, but I had never warmed to him as a person. Asa teammate ...
"Gleep!"
The warning wasn't soon enough! Before I couldbrace myself, I was hit from behind by a massive
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Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 153
force and sent sprawling on my face. The slimytongue worrying the back of my head and the accom-panying blast of incredibly bad breath could only have one source.
"Gleep!" my pet announced proudly, pausing
briefly in his efforts to reach my face.
"What's that stupid dragon doing here?" Aahz
bellowed, unmoved by our emotional reunion.
"Ask Badaxe," Julie grinned. "He brought him."
"He did?" my mentor blinked, momentarily
stunned out of his anger.
I was a bit surprised myself. Pushing Gleep awaymomentarily I scrambled to my feet and shot a questioning glance at the general.
For the first time since and including our originalconfrontation, Hugh Badaxe looked uncomfortable.The fierce warrior who wouldn't flinch before army,magician, or demon couldn't meet our eyes.
"He was . . . well, with you two gone he was justmoping around," the general mumbled. "No one
else would go near him and I thought.. . well, that is... it seemed logical that..."
"He brought him out to play with my dragon,"
Julie explained gleefully. "It seems the fierce generalhere has a weak spot for animals."
Badaxe's head came up with a snap. "The dragonserved the Kingdom well in the last campaign," heannounced hotly. "It's only fair that someone sees tohis needsas a veteran."
His bluster didn't fool anyone. There was no
reason why he should feel responsible for my dragon.Even if he did, it would have been easy for him toorder some of his soldiers to see to my petrather thanattending to it personally as he had done. The truthof the matter was that he liked Gleep.
As if to confirm our suspicions, my pet began tofrolic around him, waggling head and tail in movements I knew were reserved for playmates. The general stoically ignored him . . . which is not that easyto do.
"Um . . . general?" I said carefully.
"Yes?"
I was fixed by a frosty gaze, daring me to commenton the dragon's behavior.
"About our earlier conversation," I clarified hastily. "I'm sure I speak for the rest of the team when Isay we're both pleased and honored to have you onour side for the upcoming war game."
"Thank you. Lord Magician," he bowed stiffly.
"I trust you will find your confidence in me is notmisplaced."
"Now that that's settled," Aahz chortled, rubbinghis hands together. "Where's the big dragon? We'vegot some practicing to do."
"He's asleep," Julie shrugged.
"Asleep? "Aahz echoed.
"That's right. He got into the barn, ate up overhalf the livestock in the place. Now he's sleepin' likea rock, you know? Probably won't wake up for acouple of months at best."
"A couple of months!" my mentor groaned.
"Now what are we going to do? The kid's got to havesomething to ride in the game!"
"Gleep!" my pet said, rolling on the ground at myfeet.
Aahz glared at me.
"He said it, I didn't," I declared innocently.
"Don't think we've got much choice, Aahz," Guspointed out.
"If you aren't used to them, any dragon would
seem rather frightening," Chumly supplied.
"All right! All right!" Aahz grimaced, throwingup his hands in surrender. "If you're all willing torisk it, I'll go along. As long as he doesn't drive menuts by always saying ..."
"Gleep?" my pet asked, swiveling his head around
154 Robert Asprin
to see what Aahz was shouting about.
"Then we're ready to start practicing?" I asked
hastily.
"As ready as we'll ever be, I guess," Aahz grumbled, glaring at the dragon.
"I know this isn't my fight," Big Julie put in, "butwhat kinda strategies have you boys worked up?"
"Haven't yet," my mentor admitted. "But we'll
think of something.''
"Maybe I can give you a hand. I used to be prettygood with small unit tactics. You know what I
mean?"
The next few weeks were interesting. You notice Ididn't say "instructive," just interesting. Aside fromlearning to work together as a team, there was littledevelopment among the individuals of our crew.
You could argue that with the beings we had on theteam, there was little development to be done. Thatwas their opinion. Nor was it easy to argue withthem. With the exception of myself, their physicalcondition ranged from excellent to unbelievable.What was more, they were all seasoned veterans ofcountless battles and campaigns. From what we hadseen of the Jahks, any one of our team was morethan a match for five of our opponentsand together ...
Maybe that's what bothered me: the easy assurance on everyone's part that we could win in a walk. Iknow it bothered Big Julie.
"You boys are overconfident," he'd scold, shaking his head in exasperation. "There's more tofighting than strength. Know what I mean?"
"We've got more than strength," Aahz yawned.
"There's speed, agility, stamina, and with Gusalong, we've got air cover. Then again, Skeeve therehas a few tricks up his sleeve as a magician."
MYTH DIRECTIONS 155
"You forgot 'experience,' " Julie countered.
"These other guys, they've been playing this gamefor what? Five hundred years now? They might havea trick or two of their own."
With that stubborn argument, Julie would
threaten, wheedle, and cajole us into practicing. Unfortunately, most of the practice centered aroundme.
Staying on Gleep's back was rough enough. Try-ing to keep my seat while throwing or catching a ballproved to be nearly impossible. Gleep was no help.He preferred chasing the ball himself or standingstock still while scratching himself with a hind leg tofollowing orders from me. I finally had to cheat alittle, resorting to magik to keep me upright on mymount's back. A little levitation, a little flying, andsuddenly my riding skills improved a hundred fold. IfAahz suspected I was using something other than mysense of balance, he didn't say anything.
The problem of catching and throwing the ball wassolved by the addition of a staff to my argument.Chumly uprooted a hefty sized sapling, and thegeneral used his ever-present belt axe to trim awaybranches and roots. The result was an eleven footclub with which I could either knock the ball alongthe ground or swat it out of the air if someone hadthrown or kicked it aloft. The staff was a bit heavierthan I would have liked, but the extra weight movedthe ball farther each time I hit it. Of course, I used alittle magik to steer the ball, too, so I didn't missoften and it usually went where I wanted it to go.
Gleep, on the other hand, went where he wanted togo. While my club occasionally helped both to sethim in motion and to institute minor changes in hisdirection once he was moving, total control had stilleluded me when the day finally arrived for our departure.
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The five of us (six including Gleep) gathered in thecenter of our practice meadow and said our goodbyes
to Julie.
"I'm sorry I can't come with you, boys," he
declared mournfully, "but I'm not as young as I usedto be, you know?"
"Don't worry," Aahz waved, "we'll be back
soon. You can come to our victory celebration."
"There you go again," Julie scowled, "I'm warning you, don't celebrate until after the battle. Afterfive hundred years..."
"Right, Julie," Aahz interrupted hastily. "You'vetold us before. We'd better get going now or we'llmiss the game. Wouldn't want to lose by default."
With that, he checked to see we were all in positionand triggered the D-Hopper.
A moment later, we were back in Jahk.
Chapter Twenty-Two;
"No matter what the game, no matter
what the rules, the same rules apply
to both sides!"
HOYLE'SLAW
THE stadium had undergone two major changes sincethe last time Aahz and I were here.
First, the configuration of the field had beenchanged. Instead of a rectangle, the chalk lines nowoutlined a triangle with netted goals at each corner. Iassumed that was to accommodate a three-way instead of a two-way match.
The second change was people. Remember how I
said I didn't even want to imagine what the sta-ium would be like full of people? Well, the realitydwarfed anything my imagination could have con-jured up. Where I had envisioned neat rows of peopleto match the military precision of the seats, thestands were currently a chaotic mass of color andmotion. I don't know why they bothered providingseats. As far as I could tell, nobody was sitting down.
A stunned hush had fallen over the crowd when weappeared. This was understandable. Beings don't ap-pear out of thin air very often, as we had assembled.
At Aahz's instruction, I had withheld any disguises
157
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MYTH DIRECTIONS 159
from our team in order to get maximum psychological impact from our normal appearance. We got it.
The crowd gaped at us, while we gaped at the
crowd. Then they recovered their composure and aroar trumpeted forth from a thousand throats simultaneously. The bedlam was deafening.
"They don't seem very intimidated," I observeddryly.
I didn't expect to be heard over the din, but I hadforgotten Aahz's sharp ears.
"Ave Caesar. Salutes e moratorium. Eh, kid?" hegrinned.
I didn't have the foggiest what he was talkingabout, but I grinned back at him. I was tired of staring blankly every time he made a joke.
"Hey, boss. We've got company," Gus called,
jerking his head toward one side of the stadium.
"Two companies, actually," Chumly supplied,
staring in the opposite direction.
Swiveling my head around, I discovered they wereboth right. Massha was bearing down on us from oneside, while old Greybeard was waddling forwardfrom the other. It seemed both Veygus and Ta-hoewanted words with us.
"Hell-o boys," Massha drawled, arriving first."Just wanted to wish you luck with your . . . venture."
This might have sounded strange coming from a
supporter of the opposition. It did to me. Then Iremembered that Massha thought we were out to
neutralize Quigley's "demon." Well, in a way wewere.
Aahz, as usual, was way ahead of me.
"Don't worry, Massha," he grinned. "We've got
everything well in hand."
It never ceases to amaze me the ease with which mymentor can lie.
"Just be sure you stay out of it," he continued
smoothly. "It's a rather delicate plan, and anymiscellaneous moving parts could foul things up."
"Don't worry your green little head about that,"she winked. "I know when I'm outclassed. I was justkinda hoping you'd introduce me to the rest of yourteam."
I suddenly realized that throughout our conversation, she hadn't taken her eyes off our teammates.Specifically, she was staring sideways at HughBadaxe. This didn't change as Aahz made the properintroductions.
"Massha, this is Gus."
"Charmed, madam," the gargoyle responded.
"And ChumerCrunch."
"When fight? Crunch tikes fighting," Chumly declared, dropping into his troll act.
Massha didn't bat an eye. She was busy runningboth of them up and down the general's frame.
"And this is Hugh Badaxe."
With a serpentine glide, Massha was standing closeto the general.
"So pleased to meet cha, Hugh ... you don't mindif I call you Hugh, do you?" she purred.
"Harmmph ... I... that is," Badaxe stammered,
visibly uncomfortable.
I could sympathize with him. Having Massha
focus her attention on one was disquieting to say theleast. Fortunately, help arrived just then in the formof the Ta-hoe delegate.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen," he chortled, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Hello, Massha."
"Actually," she returned icily, "I was just leaving."
She leaned forward and murmured something in
the general's ear before departing for her seat in thestands. Whatever it was, Badaxe flushed bright redand avoided our eyes.
"We were afraid you wouldn't arrive in time,"
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Robert Asprin
Greybeard continued, ignoring Massha's exit.
"Wouldn't want to disappoint the fans with a default, would we? When are you expecting the rest ofyour team?"
"The rest of our team?" I frowned. "I thought therules only called for five players plus a ridingmount."
"That's right," Greybeard replied, "but ... oh,well, I admire your confidence. So there're only thefive of you, eh? Well, well. That will change the oddsa bit."
"Why?" I demanded suspiciously.
"Are the edges on that thing sharp?" the spokesman asked, spying the general's axe.
"Razor," Badaxe replied haughtily.
"But he won't use it on anyone," I added hastily,suddenly remembering the "no edged weapons"
rule. I wasn't sure what the general's reaction wouldbe if anyone tried to take his beloved axe away fromhim.
"Oh, I have no worries on that score," Greybeardresponded easily. "As with all games, the crossbowmen will be quick to eliminate any player who chooses to ignore the rules."
He waved absently at the sidelines. We looked inthe indicated direction, and saw for the first time thatthe field was surrounded by crossbowmen, alter-nately dressed in the blue and yellow of Ta-hoe andthe red and white of Veygus. This was a little wrinklethe Geek had neglected to mention. He had told usabout the rules, but not how they were enforced.
At the same time, I noticed two things which I hadpreviously missed while scanning the stands.
The first was Quigley, sitting front and center onthe Ta-hoe side. What was more important was thathe had Tananda with him. She was still asleep, floating horizontally in the air in front of him. Apparentlyhe didn't want to miss the game, and didn't trust us enough to leave her unguarded back at his workshop.
He saw me staring and waved. I didn't wave back.Instead, I was about to call Aahz's attention to myfind when I noticed the second thing.
Griffin was at the edge of the field, jumping upand down and frantically waving his arms to get myattention. As soon as he saw I was watching him, hebegan vigorously beckoning to me.
Aahz was engrossed in conversation with the Ta-hoe spokesman, so I ambled off to see what Griffinwanted.
"Hello, Griffin," I smiled. "How'veyou been?"
"I just wanted to tell you," he gasped, breathlessfrom his exertions, "I've changed sides. If there'sanything I can do to help you, just sing out."
"Really?" I drawled, raising an eyebrow. "And
why the sudden change of heart, not to mentionallegiances?"
"Call it my innate sense of fair play," he grimaced. "I don't like what they're planning to do toyou. Even if my old team is involved, I don't like it."
"What are they planning to do to us?" I demanded, suddenly attentive.
"That's what I wanted to warn you about," he explained. "The two teams had a meeting about thisgame. They decided that however much they hatedeach other, neither side wanted to see the Trophy goto a bunch of outsiders."
"That's only natural," I nodded, "but what..."
"You don't understand!" the youth interrupted
hastily. "They're going to double-team you! They'vedeclared a truce with each other until they'veknocked you off the field. When the game startsyou'll be up against two teams working togetheragainst your one!"
"Kid! Get back here!"
Aahz's bellow reminded me there was another conference going on.
162 Robert Asprin
"I've got to go. Griffin," I declared. "Thanks forthe warning."
"Good luck!" he called. "You're going to need
it."
I trotted back onto the field, to find the assemblage waiting for me with expectant expressions.
"They want to see the Trophy," Aahz informed
me with a wink.
"As per our original agreement," the Ta-hoe
spokesman added stiffly. "It should be here to beawarded to the victorious team."
"It is here," I announced firmly.
"I beg your pardon?" Greybeard blinked, lookingaround.
"Show him, kid," my mentor grinned.
"All right," I nodded, "everybody stand back."
In many ways it was harder to produce the statueusing magik than it would have been to do it withphysical labor. I had to agree with Aahz, though,that this way was far more dramatic.
Stretching my levitation capacities to their utmost,I went to work. A large hunk of turf was lifted fromthe center of the field and set aside. Then the exposeddirt was shoved aside, and finally the Trophy roseinto view. I let it hover in midair while I rearrangedthe dirt and replaced the turf, then let it settle majes-tically to rest in all its magnificent, ugly splendor.
The crowd roared its approval, though whether formy magik or the Trophy itself I wasn't sure.
"Pretty good," Aahz exclaimed, slapping me
gently on the back.
"Gleep," my pet exclaimed, adding his slimy
tongue to the offered congratulations.
"Very clever," Greybeard admitted. "We never
thought to look there. A little rough on the field,though, isn't it?"
"It'll get torn up this afternoon anyway," my
MYTH DIRECTIONS 163
mentor shrugged. "Incidentally, when's game
time?"
As if in answer to his question, the stands explodedin bedlam. I hadn't thought the stadium could getany noisier, but this was like a solid wall of soundpressing in on us from all sides.
The reason for the jubilation was immediately obvious. Two columns of figures had emerged from atunnel at the far end of the stadium and were joggingonto the field.
The blue and yellow tunics of one column con---
trasted with the scarlet and white tunics of the other,but served nicely to identify them as our opponents.This, however, was not their most noteworthy feature.
The Ta-hoe team was wearing helmets with long,sharp spikes on the top, while their counterpartsfrom Veygus had long, curved horns emerging fromeither side of their helmets giving them an animalisticappearance. Even more noticeable, all the playerswere big. Bigger than any Jahk I had encountered todate. Easily as big as Chumly, but brawnier withnecks so short their heads seemed to emerge directlyfrom their shoulders.
As I said earlier, I count real good up to five, andthere were considerably more than five players oneach team.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 165
"Life is full of little surprises."
PANDORA
AS I was prone to do in times of crises, I turned to mymentor for guidance. Aahz, in turn, reacted with thecalm levelheadedness I've grown to expect.
Seizing the Ta-hoe spokesman by the front of histunic, Aahz hoisted him up until his feet were dangling free from the ground.
"What is this!!" he demanded.
Glaah ... sakle..." the fellow responded.
"Urn . . . Aahz?" I intervened. "He might be alittle more coherent if he could breathe."
"Oh! Right," my mentor acknowledged, lowering
the spokesman until he was standing once more. "All
right. Explain!"
"Ex . . . explain what?" Greybeard stammered,
genuinely puzzled. "Those are the teams from ourrespective cities. You can tell them apart by their
helmets and..."
"Don't give me that!" Aahz thundered. "Those
164
aren't Jahks. Jahks are skinny or overweight!"
"Oh! I see." the spokesman said with dawning
realization. "I'm afraid you've been misled. Not allJahks are alike. Some are fans, and some are
playersathletes. The fans are ... a little out ofshape, but that's to be expected. They're the workerswho keep the cities and farms running. The playersare a different story. All they do is train and so on.Over the generations, they've gotten noticeablylarger than the general population of fans."
"Noticeably larger?" Aahz scowled, glaring downthe field. "It's like they're another species!"
"I've seen it happen in other dimensions," Gusobserved, "but never to this extent."
"Well, Big Julie warned us about overconfidence," Chumly sighed.
"What was that?" Greybeard blinked.
"Want fight," Chumly declared, dropping back
into character. "Crunch likes fight."
"Oh," the spokesman frowned. "Very well. If
there's nothing else, I'll just..."
"Not so fast," I interrupted. "I want to know whythere are so many players. The game is played byfive-man teams, isn't it?"
"That's right." Greybeard nodded. "The extra
players are replacements . . . you know, for the oneswho are injured or killed during the game."
"Killed?" I swallowed.
"As I said," the spokesman called, starting off,"I admire your confidence in only bringing fiveplayers."
"Killed?" I repeated, turning desperately to Aahz.
"Don't panic, kid," my mentor growled, scanningthe opposition. "It's a minor setback, but we canadapt our strategies."
"How about the old 'divide and conquer' gambit?" Badaxe suggested, joining Aahz.
"That's right," Gus nodded. "They're not used to
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playing a three-way game. Maybe we can play them
off against each other."
"It won't work," I declared flatly.
"Don't be so negative, kid," Aahz snapped.
"Sometimes old tricks are the best."
"It won't work because they won't be playing
against each other... just us."
I quickly filled them in on what Griffin had toldme earlier. When I finished, the team was uncomfortably silent.
"Well," Aahz said at last, "things could be
worse."
"How?" I asked bluntly.
"Gleep?"
My dragon had just spotted something the rest of
us had missed. The other teams were bringing theirriding beasts onto the field. Unlike the players, thebeasts weren't marked with the team colors . . . butthen, it wasn't necessary. There was no way theycould be confused with each other.
The Veygus beast was a cat-like creature with anevilly flattened headnearly as long as Gleep, itslunk along the ground with a fluid grace which wasruined only by the uneven gait of its oversizedhindlegs. Though its movements were currently slowand lazy, it had the look of something that couldmove with blinding speed when it wanted to. It alsolooked very, very agile. I was sure the thing could corner like ... well, like a cat.
The Ta-hoe mount was equally distinctive, but
much more difficult to describe. It looked like asmall, armored mound with its crest about eight feetoff the ground. I would have thought it was an oversized insect, but it had more than six legs. As a matterof fact, it had hundreds of legs which we could seewhen it moved, which it seemed to do with equal easein any direction. When it stopped, its armor settled tothe ground, both hiding and guarding its tiny legs. I MYTH DIRECTIONS 167
couldn't figure out where its eyes were, but I noticedit never ran into anything... at least accidentally.
"Gleep?"
My pet had pivoted his head around to peer at me.If he was hoping for an explanation or instructions,he was out of luck. I didn't have the vaguest ideaof how to deal with the weird creatures. Instead, Istroked his mustache in what I hoped was a reassuring fashion. Though I didn't want to admit it to myteammates, I was becoming less and less confidentabout this game . . . and I hadn't been all that confident to begin with.
"Don't look now," Gus murmured, "but I've
spotted Tanda."
"Where?" Chumly demanded, craning his neck to
see where the gargoyle was pointing.
Of course, I had seen Tananda earlier and had
forgotten to point her out to the others. I felt a littlefoolish, but then, that was nothing new. To cover myembarrassment, I joined the others in staring towardsTananda's floating form.
Quigley noticed us looking his way and began tofidget nervously. Apparently he was not confidentenough in his newfound powers to feel truly comfortable under our mass scrutiny. His discomfort affected his magik ... at least his levitation. Tananda'sbody dipped and swayed until I was afraid he wasgoing to drop her on her head.
"If that magician's all that's in our way," Gusobserved, "it occurs to me we would just sashay overthere and take her back."
"Can't," Aahz snapped, shaking his head. "The
kid here promised we wouldn't do anything to makethat magician look bad."
"That's fine for you two," the gargoyle countered, "but Chumly and I didn't promise a thing."
"I say, Gus," Chumly interrupted, "we can't goagainst Skeeve's promise. It wouldn't be cricket."
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168 MYTH DIRECTIONS
169
"I suppose you're right," Gus grumbled. "I justthought it would be easier than getting our brainsbeaten out playing this silly game."
I agreed with him there. In fact, I was glad to findsomething I could agree with. Chumly's argumentabout crickets didn't make any sense at all.
"It occurs to me. Lord Magician," Badaxe rumbled, "that the promise you made wasn't the wisestof pledges."
"Izzat so?" Aahz snarled, turning on him. "Of
course, general, you speak from long experience indealing with demons."
"Well... actually..."
"Then I'd suggest you keep your lip buttoned
about Lord Skeeve's wisdom and abilities. Remember, he's your ticket back out of here. Without him,it's a long walk home."
Chastised, the general retreated, physically andverbally.
"Gee, thanks, Aahz."
"Shut up, kid," my mentor snarled. "He's right.It was a dumb move."
"But you said..."
"Call it reflex," Aahz waved. "A body's got toearn the right to criticize my apprentice ... and thatspecimen of Klahdish military expertise doesn't qualify."
"Well... thanks, anyway," I finished lamely.
"Don't mention it."
"Hey, Aahz," Chumly called. "Let's get this . . .Trophy out of the center of the field and put itsomewhere safe."
"Like where?" my mentor retorted. "We're the
only ones in the stadium I trust."
"How about in our goal?" Gus suggested, pointing to the wide net at our corner of the triangle.
"Sounds good," Aahz agreed. "I'll be back in asecond, kid."
I had gotten so used to the bedlam in the stadiumthat I barely noticed it. As my teammates started tomove the Trophy, however, the chorus of boos andcatcalls that erupted threatened to deafen me. Mycolleagues responded with proper aplomb, shakingfists and making faces at their decriers. The crowdloved it. If they loved it any more, they'd chargedown onto the field and lynch the-lot of us.
I was about to suggest to my comrades that theyquit baiting the crowd, when General Badaxe
beckoned me over for a conference.
"Lord Magician," he began carefully, "I hope
you realize I meant no offense with my earlier comments. I find that I'm a trifle on edge. I've neverfought a war in front of an audience before."
"Forget it, Hugh," I waved. "You were right. Inhindsight it was a bad promise. Incidentally . . . it'sSkeeve. If we're in this mess together, it's a little sillyto stand on formality."
"Thank you . . . Skeeve," the general nodded.
"Actually I was hoping I could speak with you
privately on a personal matter."
"Sure," I shrugged. "What is it?"
"Could you tell me a little more about that
marvelous creature I was just introduced to earlier?"
"Marvelous creature?" I blinked. "What marvelous creature?"
"You know . . . Massha."
"Massha?" I laughed. Then I noticed the general'sfeatures were hardening. "I mean, oh, that marvelous creature. What do you want to know?"
"Is she married?"
"Massha? I mean ... no, I don't think so."
The general heaved a sigh of relief. "Is there achance she'll ever visit us in Possiltum?"
"I doubt it," I replied. "But if you'd like I couldask her."
"Fine," the general beamed, bringing a hand
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170
down on my shoulder in a bone-jarring display offriendship. "I'll consider that a promise."
"A what?" I blinked. Somehow the words had a
familiar ring to them.
"I know how you honor your promises," Badaxe
continued. "Fulfill this pledge, and you'll find I canbe a friend to prize . .. just as I can be an enemy to befeared if crossed. Do we understand each other?"
"But I..."
"Hey, kid," Aahz shouted. "Hurry up and get onthat stupid dragon! The game's about to start!"
I had been so engrossed in my conversation withBadaxe I had completely lost track of the other activities on the field.
The teams from Ta-hoe and Veygus had retired tothe sidelines, leaving five players apiece on the field.The cat and the bug each had riders now, and werepacing and scuttling back and forth in nervous anticipation.
At midfield, where the Trophy had been, a Jahkstood wearing a black and white striped tunic andholding a ball. I use the word ball rather loosely here.The object he was holding was a cube of what appeared to be a black, spongy substance. A squareball! One more little detail the Geek had neglected to mention.
Without bothering to take my leave from the
general, I turned and sprinted for Gleep. Whateverwas about to happen, I sure didn't want to face itafoot.
"This contest has to be the dumbest
thing Fve ever seen."
H. COSELL
I WAS barely astride Gleep when the Jahk at midfieldset the ball down and started backing toward thesidelines.
"Hey, Aahz!" I called. "What's with the guy inthe striped tunic?"
"Leave him alone," my mentor shouted back.
"He's a neutral."
Actually, I hadn't planned on attacking him, but itwas nice to know he wasn't part of the opposition.
I was the last of the team to get into place. Aahzand Chumly were bracketing me as the Fangs, Guswas behind me, waiting to take advantage of his extramobility as Guard; and Badaxe was braced in themouth of the goal as Castle. We seemed about asready as we would ever be.
"Hey, kid! "Aahz called. "Where's your club?"
I was so engrossed in my own thoughts it took aminute for his words to sink in. Then I panicked. For
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172 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 173
a flash moment I thought I had left my staff back inKlah. Then I spotted it lying in the grass at our entrypoint. A flick of my mind brought it winging tohand.
"Got it, Aahz!" I waved.
"Well, hang onto it, and remember..."
A shrill whistle blast interrupted our not-so-privateconference and pulled our attention down-field. Thecat and the bug were heading for the ball at theirrespective top speeds, with the rest of their teammates charging along in their wakes.
The game was on, and all we were doing was standing around with our mouths open.
As usual, Aahz was the first to recover.
"Don't just stand there with your mouth open!"he shouted. "Go get the ball."
"But I..."
"GLEEP!"
What I had intended to point out to Aahz was thatthe cat was almost at the ball already. Realizing therewas no way I could get there first, I felt we shoulddrop back and tighten our defense. My pet, however,had other ideas.
Whether he was responding to Aahz's command to"get the ball" (which was unlikely), or simply eagerto meet some new playmates (which was highly probable), the result was the same. He bounded forward,cutting me off in mid-sentence and setting us on acollision course with the cat.
The crowd loved it.
Me, I was far less enthusiastic. The cat's rider hadthe ball now, but he and his mount were holdingposition at midfield instead of immediately advancing on our goal. Presumably this was to allow histeammates to catch up, so he could have some cover.This meant he wouldn't have to venture among usalone.
That struck me as being a very intelligent strategy.
I only wished I could follow it myself. Gleep's enthusiasm was placing me in the position I had hopedto avoid at all costsfacing the united strength ofboth of the opposing teams without a single teammate to support me. For the first time since our opponents had taken the field, I stopped worryingabout surviving until the end of the game. Now I wasworried about surviving until the end of the firstplay!
My hopes improved for a moment when I realizedwe would reach the cat and its rider well ahead oftheir teammates. The feeling of hope faded rapidly,however, as my rival uncoiled his weapon.
Where I was carrying a staff, he had a whip ... along whip. The thing was twenty feet long if it was aninch. No, I'm not exaggerating. I could see its lengthquite clearly as the rider let it snake out toward myhead.
The lash fell short by a good foot, though it
seemed much closer at the time. Its sharp crack didproduce one result, however. Gleep stopped in histracks, throwing me forward on his neck as I foughtto keep my balance. An instant behind the whip at-tack, the cat bounded forward, its teeth bared andears flat against its skull, and one of its forepawsdarted out to swat my dragon on the nose.
Though never noted for his agility, Gleep responded by trying to jump backwards and swap endsat the same time. I'm not sure how successful he was,because somewhere in the middle of the maneuver,he and I parted company.
Normally such a move would not have unsettled
me. When Gleep had thrown me in practice, I hadsimply flown clear, delicately settled to the ground ata distance. This time, however, I was already off balance and the throw disoriented me completely.
Realizing I was airborne, I attempted to fly ... andsucceeded in slamming into the turf with the grace of
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Robert Asprin
a bag of garbage. This did nothing toward improving
my orientation.
Lying there, I wondered calmly which parts of me
would fall off if I moved. There was a distant roaringin my ears, and the ground seemed to be tremblingbeneath me. From far away, I could hear Aahz shouting something. Yes, just lying here seemed like
an excellent idea.
"Up, kid!" came my mentor's voice. "Run!"
Run? He had to be kidding. My head was clearingslowly, but the ground was still shaking. Rollingover, I propped one eye open to get my bearings, and immediately wished I hadn't.
It wasn't in my head! The ground really was shaking! The bug was bearing down on me full tilt, displaying every intention of trampling me beneath itsmultiple tiny feet. It didn't even occur to me that thiswould be a ridiculous way to go. All that registeredwas that it was a way to go, and somehow that thought didn't appeal to me.
I sprang to my feet and promptly fell down again.Apparently I hadn't recovered from my fall as muchas I thought I had. I tried again and got as far as myhands and knees. From there I had a terrific view ofmy doom thundering down on me, and there was nothing I could do about it!
Then Aahz was there. He must have jumped over
me in mid-stride to get into position, but he wasthere, halfway between the charging bug and me.Feet spread and braced, knees bent to a crouch, hefaced the charge unflinching. Unflinching? He threwhis arms wide and bared his teeth in challenge."You want to fight?" he roared. "Try me."
The bug may not have understood his words, but itknew enough about body language to realize it was introuble. Few beasts or beings in any dimension havethe courage or stupidity to try to face down a Pervect when it has a full mad on, and Aahz was mad. Hisscales were puffed out until he appeared twice hisnormal breadth, and they rippled dangerously fromthe tensed muscles underneath. Even his color was adarker shade of green than normal, pulsing angrily asmy mentor vented his emotions.
Whatever intelligence level the bug might possess,it was no fool. It somehow managed to slow from afull charge to a dead stop before coming withinAahz's reach. Even the frantic goadings from itsrider's hooked prod couldn't get it to resume itscharge. Instead, it began to cautiously edge sideways,trying to bypass Aahzcompletely.
"You want to fight?" my mentor bellowed, advancing toward the beast. "C'mon! I'm ready."
That did it! The bug put it into reverse, scuttlingdesperately backward despite the frantic urgings ofits rider and the hoots from the crowd.
"I say, you lads seem to have things in hand here."
A powerful hand fastened on my shoulder and
lifted. In fact, it lifted me until my feet were danglingfree from the ground.
"Um ... I can walk now, Chumly," I suggested.
"Oh, terribly sorry," the troll apologized, settingme gently on the ground. "Just a wee bit distracted isall."
"Gleep!"
A familiar head snaked into view from around
Chumly's hip to peer at me quizzically.
"You were a big help!" I snarled, glad for thechance to vent my pent-up nervous energy.
"Gleep," my pet responded, hanging his head.
"Here, now," the troll chided. "Don't take it outon your mate, here. He got surprised, that's all.Can't blame him for getting a little spooked underfire. What?"
"But if he hadn't..." I began.
176 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS
177
"Now are you ready to get rid of that stupid
dragon?" Aahz demanded, joining our group.
"Don't take it out on Gleep," I flared back. "Hejust got a little spooked under fire is all."
"How's that again?" my mentor blinked.
"Gleep!" proclaimed my pet, unleashing his
tongue in one of his aromatic, slimy licks. This time, to my relief Aahz was the recipient.
"Glaah!" my mentor exclaimed, scrubbing at hisface with the back of his hand. "I may be violentlysick!"
"The beast's just showing his appreciation foryour saving his master," Chumly laughed.
"That's right," I agreed. "If you hadn't..."
"Forget it," Aahz waved. "No refugee from a
wine-making festival's going to do his dance on myapprentice while I'm around."
For once, I knew what he was talking about.
" 'Refugee from a wine-making festival'that's
pretty good, Aahz," I grinned.
"No, it wasn't," my mentor snarled. "In fact, sofar this afternoon, nothing's been good. Why are westanding around talking?"
"Because the first play's over," Chumly supplied."Also, I might add, the first score."
We all looked down field toward our goal. The
field was littered with bodies, fortunately theirs, notours. Whatever had happened, we had given a goodaccounting of ourselves. Stretcher bearers andtrainers were tending to the fallen and wounded withwell practiced efficiency. The players still on theirfeet, both on the field and on the sidelines, were dancing around hugging each other and holding theirindex fingers aloft in what I supposed was some sortof religious gesture to the gods. Badaxe was saggingweakly against one of our four goalposts while Gusfanned him with his wings.
"The score," the troll continued casually, "is
nothing to nothing to one ... against us. Not the bestof starts, what?"
For one instant I thought we had scored. Then Iremembered that in this game, points are scoredagainst a team. Therefore "nothing to nothing toone" meant we were behind by a point.
"Don't worry," Aahz snarled. "We'll get the
point back, with interest! If they want to play rough,so can we. Right?"
"Quite right," Chumly grinned.
"Ummm ..." I supplied hesitantly.
"So let's fire up!" my mentor continued.
"Chumly, get Gus and Badaxe up here for a strategysession. Kid, get back on that dragonand this timetry to stay up there, huh?"
I started to obey, then turned back to him.
"Ummm .. . Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"I didn't say it too well a minute ago, but thanksfor saving me."
"I said forget it."
"No, I won't," I insisted defiantly. "You couldhave been killed bailing me out, and I just wantedyou to know that I'll pay you back someday. I maynot be very brave where I'm concerned, but I oweyou my life on top of everything else and it's yoursanytime you need it."
"Wait a minute, kid," my mentor corrected.
"Any risks I take are mine, understand? That includes the ones I take pulling your tail out of the fireonce in a while. Don't mess up my style by makingme responsible for two lives."
"But, Aahz..."
"If I'm in trouble and you're clear, you skedaddle.Got it? Especially in this game. In fact, here..."
He fumbled in his belt pouch and produced a
familiar object.
"Here's the D-Hopper. It's set to get you home.
178 Robert Asprin
You keep it and use it if you have to. If you see achance to grab Tanda and get out of here, take it!Don't worry about me."
"But..."
"That's an order, apprentice. If you want to argueit, wait until we're back in Klah. In the meantime,just do it! Either you agree or I'll send you homeright now."
Our eyes locked for long moments, but I gave
ground first.
"All right, Aahz," I sighed. "But we're going tohave this out once we get home."
"Fine," he grinned, clapping me on the shoulder."For now though, get on that stupid dragon of yoursand try to keep him pointed in the right direction.We've got some points to score!"
"If you can't win fair, just winF
U. S. GRANT
WE needed to score some points, and to do that, weneeded the ball.
That thought was foremost in my mind as we linedup again. One way or another, we were going to getthat ball.
When the whistle sounded, I was ready for it.
Reaching out with my mind, I brought the ball winging to my grasp. Before our team could form uparound me, however, the whistle sounded again andthe Jahk in the striped tunic came trotting toward uswaving his arms.
"Now what?" Aahz growled. Then aloud, he
called, "What's wrong, Ref?"
"There's been a protest," the referee informedhim. "Your opponents say you're using magik."
"So what?" my mentor countered. "There's no
rule against it."
"Well, not officially," the ref admitted, "but it's
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180
been a gentleman's agreement for some time."
"We're not gentlemen," Aahz grinned. "So get
out of our way and let us play.''
"But if you can use magik, so can your opponents," the striped tunic insisted.
"Let 'em," Aahz snarled. "Start the game."
A flash of inspiration came to me. "Wait a
minute, Aahz," I called. "Sir, we're willing to allowthe use of magik against us if, and only if, the magicians do it from the field."
"What?" the ref blinked.
"You heard him," Aahz crowed. "If your magicians join the team and take their lumps like ourmagician does, then they're free to use whateverskills and abilities they bring onto the field withthem. Otherwise they can sit in the bleachers with thespectators and keep their magik out of it."
"That seems fair," the Jahk nodded thoughtfully."I'll so inform the other teams."
"I say," Chumly commented as the referee trottedoff. "That was a spot of clear thinking."
"Tactically superb," Badaxe nodded.
"That's the kind of generalship that beat Big
Julie's army," Gus supplied proudly.
I waved modestly, but inside I was heady from the
praise.
"Let's save the congratulations until after the
game, shall we?" Aahz suggested icily.
It was an annoyingly accurate observation. Therewas still a long battle between us and the end of thegame, and the other teams were already lining up topit their best against our clumsy efforts. In grimsilence, we settled down to go to work.
I won't attempt to chronicle the afternoon play byplay. Much of it I'm trying to forget, though sometimes I still bolt upright out of a sound sleep sweatingat the memory. The Jahks were tough and they knewtheir business. The only thing holding them at bay was the sheer strength and ferocity of my teammatesand some inspired magik by yours truly.
However, a few incidents occurred prior to thegame's climax which would be criminal neglect toomit from my account.
Gleep came of age that afternoon. I don't knowwhat normally matures dragons, but for my pet
adulthood arrived with the first play of the afternoon. Gone was the playfulness which led to myearly unseating. Somewhere in that puzzling brain ofhis, Gleep thought things over and arrived at the conclusion that we had some serious business on ourhands.
I, of course, didn't know this. When the ball endedup in my hands, I was counting on my other teammates for protection. Unfortunately, our opponentshad anticipated this and planned accordingly. Threeplayers each swarmed over Aahz and Chumly, soak-ing up incredible punishment to keep them fromcoming to my support. The two Riders converged onme.
I saw them coming and panicked. I mean, the catwas faster than us and the bug seemed invulnerable.Frantically, I looked around for some avenue ofescape. I needn't have worried.
Instead of bolting, Gleep stood his ground, hishead lowered menacingly. As the cat readied itselffor a pounce, my pet loosed a jet of fire full in itsface, singeing its whiskers and setting it back on itshaunches.
I was so astonished I forgot to watch the bug mov-ing up on our flank. Gleep didn't. His tail lashed outto intercept the armored menace. There was a soundlike a great church bell gonging, and the bug haltedits forward progress and began wandering aimlesslyin circles.
"Atta boy, Gleep!" I cheered, balancing the ballon his back for a moment so I could thump his side.
182 Robert Asprin
That was a mistake. No sooner had I released thehold on the ball when one of the Jahks leaped high topluck it from its resting spot. I took a wipe at himwith my staff but he dodged to one side and I missed.Unfortunately for him, the dodge brought him within Chumly's reach.
The troll snaked out one of his long arms over theshoulder of a blocker, picked up the ball carrier byhis head, and slammed him violently to the ground.
"Big Crunch catch," he called, winking at me.
The ball carrier lay still, and the stretcher teamtrotted onto the field again. The lineup of players onthe sideline had decreased noticeably since the gamestarted. In case you haven't noticed< things werepretty rough on the field.
"Tell me I didn't see that," Aahz demanded, staggering to my side.
"Um . . . Chumly's tackle or Gleep stopping thetwo Riders?" I asked innocently.
"I'm talking about your giving the ball away," mymentor corrected harshly. "Now that the dragon'scoming through for us, you start..."
"Do you really think he's doing a good job?" I interrupted eagerly. "I always said Gleep had a lot ofpotential."
"Don't change the subject," Aahz growled.
"You..."
"C'mon, you two," Gus called. "There's a game
on."
"Got to go," I waved, guiding my pet away frommy sputtering mentor. "We'll talk after the game."
Our defense finally solidified, and we meted outterrible punishment to any Jahk foolish enough tohead for our goal with the ball in his arms. We evenmanaged to score some points, though it took a littlehelp from my magik to do it.
The first point we scored was against the Veygans.It was a variation of Aahz's original "divide and con---
MYTH DIRECTIONS
183
quer" plan. The Veygans had the ball and were
bringing it down-field when we plowed into them atmidfield. As per my instructions, I waited until thebrawl was getting heated, then used a disguise spellon Gus, altering his appearance so he looked like oneof the Ta-hoe players, complete with a spiked helmet.Having been forewarned, the change didn't startlehim at all. Instead, he started dancing around, wav-ing his arms wildly.
"Here!" he shouted. "I'm open! Over here!"
The ball carrier was zig-zagging desperately withAahz in hot pursuit. He saw an ally in a position toscore and lobbed the ball to him without breakingstride. Gus gathered the ball in and started for theVeygus goal.
"Double-cross!"
The first shout was from Chumly, but the Veygusplayers quickly picked it up. Spurred by indignation,they turned on the Ta-hoe players who a moment agohad been their allies. The Ta-hoers were understandably surprised, but reacted quickly, defendingthemselves while at the same time laying down ablocking pattern for Gus.
The Veygan Castle had been up-field when the playbroke, but the goal-tender braced himself as Gusswept down on him. The only pursuit close enough tocount was Chumly, who appeared intent on haulingdown the ball carrier from behind. At the crucial mo-ment, however, he charged past the gargoyle andpiled into the goal-tender. Gus scored untouched."That's zero to one to one now!" I crowed.
"Before you get too caught up in celebrating,"Aahz advised, "you'd better do something aboutthat'."
I followed his finger and realized that fights werebreaking out throughout the stands. It seemed thefans didn't like the double-cross any more than theplayers had.
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184
To avert major bloodshed, I removed Gus's disguise as he came back up the field. Within seconds,the fans and the opposing teams realized they hadbeen had. Hostilities between the rival factionsceased immediately. Instead, they focused their emotions on us. Terrific.
The uniform change bit had been effective, but
with the new attentiveness in the opposition, I waspretty sure it wouldn't work twice.
I'm particularly proud of our second goal, in thatit was my idea from start to finish. I thought it upand executed it without the help or consultation ofmy teammates. Of course, that in itself caused someproblems ... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The idea occurred to me shortly after my staffbroke. I was swinging at the ball when one of the Ta-hoe players somehow got his head in the way. He wassidelined, but I was left with two pieces of what usedto be a pretty good club. As we waited for play toresume, I found myself marveling anew at the sheersize of our opponents and wishing we had biggerplayers on our side. It occurred to me, too late ofcourse, that I could have used disguise spells to makeour team seem bigger when we first appeared. Nowour rivals already knew how big, or to be specific,how small we were, so that trick wouldn't work.
I was starting to berate myself for this oversight,when the idea struck. If a disguise spell could makeus look bigger, it could also make us look smaller. Itwas almost a good idea, but not quite. If one or all ofus "disappeared" our opponents would notice immediately. What we needed was a decoy.
I found myself considering the two pieces of
broken staff I was holding. There was a stunt I pulledonce when we were fighting Big Julie. Then it hadbeen a desperation gambit. Of course, we weren'texactly cruising along now.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 185
"Get the ball to me!" I called to my teammates."I've got an idea."
"What kind of an idea?" Aahz asked.
"Just get me the ball," I snapped back.
I didn't mean to be short with him, but if this planwas going to work, I needed all my concentration,and Aahz's banter wasn't helping.
Closing my eyes, I-began to draw and focus power.At the same time, I began forming the requiredimages in my mind.
"Head's up, kid!" Aahz shouted with sudden
urgency.
My eyes popped open . . . and the ball was there. Iwasn't quite as ready as I would have liked to havebeen but the time was now and I had to go for it.
I'll detail what happened next so you can appreciate the enormity of my accomplishment. In livetime, it took no longer than an eyeblink to perform.
Dropping the two halves of the staff, I caught theball with my hands. Then, I cast two spells simultaneously. (Four, actually, but I don't like to brag.) For the first, I shrank the images of Gleep andmyself until we were scant inches high. Second, Ichanged the appearance of the two staff halves untilwhat was seen was full sized reproductions of meastride my pet.
Once that was accomplished, I used my remainingenergy to fly us toward the Ta-hoe goal. That's right,I said "fly." Even in our diminutive form, I wantedus well above the eye-level of our opponents.
Flying both Gleep and myself took a lot of effort.So much, in fact, that I was unable to animate theimages we left behind. I had realized this before Istarted, but figured that suddenly stationary targetswould only serve as a diversion for our real attack.
It seemed to work. We were unopposed until we
reached the Ta-hoe goal. Then my mischievous sense
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of humor got the better of me. Landing a scant arm'slength from the goalie, I let our disguises drop.
"Boo!" I shouted.
To the startled player, it appeared that we suddenly popped out of thin air. A lifetime of trainingfell away from him in a second, and he fainted deadaway.
With a properly dramatic flourish, I tossed the ballinto the goal.
One to one to one! A tie game!
The team was strangely quiet when Gleep and I
triumphantly returned to our end of the field.
"Why the long faces?" I laughed. "We've got 'emon the run now!"
"You should have told us you had a gambit
going," Gus said carefully.
"There wasn't time," I explained. "Besides,
there's no harm done."
"That's not entirely accurate," Chumly corrected,pointing up field.
There was a pile of Jahks where I had left the staffpieces. The stretcher teams were busy untangling thebodies and carting them away.
"He was trying to protect you ... or what he
thought was you," Badaxe observed acidly.
"What..."
Then I saw what they were talking about. At thebottom of the pile was Aahz. He wasn't moving.
thing; it's the only thingF
J. CAESAR
"HE'LL be all right," Gus declared, looking up fromexamining our fallen teammate. "He's just out
cold."
We were gathered around Aahz's still form, anxiously awaiting the gargoyle's diagnosis. Needless tosay, I was relieved my mentor was not seriously injured. General Badaxe, however, was not so easilysatisfied.
"Well, wake him up!" he demanded. "And be
quick about it."
"Back off, general," I snarled, irritated by his insensitivity. "Can't you see he's hurt?"
"You don't understand," Badaxe countered,
shaking his head. "We need five players to continuethe game. If Aahz doesn't snap out of it..."
"Wake up, Aahz!" I shouted, reaching out a handto shake his arm.
It was bad enough that my independent scoring
187
188 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 189
drive had resulted in Aahz getting roughed up. If itcost us the game. ..
"Save it, Skeeve," Gus sighed. "Even if he wokeup, he wouldn't be able to play. That was a prettynasty pounding he took. I mean, I don't think there'sanything seriously wrong with him, but if he tried tomix it up with anyone in his current condition ..."
"I get the picture," I interrupted. "And if wewake him up, Aahz is just stubborn enough to wantto play."
"Right," the gargoyle nodded. "You'll just haveto think of something else."
I tried, I really did. The team kept fussing overAahz to stall for time, but nothing came to me in theway of a plan. Finally the referee trotted over to ourhuddle.
"How's your player?" he asked.
"Ah . . . just catching his breath," Badaxe smiled,trying to keep his body between the official andAahz.
"Don't give me that," the stripe-tunicked Jahkscowled. "I can see. He's out cold, isn't he?"
"Well. sort of," Gus admitted.
" 'Sort of nothing," the ref scowled. "If he can'tplay and you don't have a replacement, you'll haveto forfeit the game."
"We're willing to play with a partial team," thegargoyle suggested hastily.
"The rules state you must have five players on thefield. No more, no less," the official declared, shaking his head.
"All right," Badaxe nodded. "Then we'll keep
him on the field with us. We'll put him off to one sidewhere he won't get hurt and then we'll play with afour-man team."
"Sorry," the ref apologized, "but I can't let himstay on the field in that condition. It's a rough game,
but we do have some ethics when it comes to thesafety of the players."
"Especially when you can use the rules to force usout of the game, "Gus spat.
I thought the slur would draw an angry responsefrom the official, but instead the ref only shook hishead sadly.
"You don't understand," he insisted. "I don't
want to disqualify your team. You've been playing ahard game and you deserve a chance to finish it. Ihate to see the game stopped with a forfeit . . .especially when the score's tied. Still, the rules are therules, and if you can't field a full team, that's that. Ionly wished you had brought some replacements."
"We've got a replacement!" I exploded suddenly.
"We do? "Gus blinked.
"Where?" frowned the ref.
"Right there!" I announced, pointing to the
stands.
Tananda was still floating in plain sight in front ofQuigley.
"The captive demon?" the official gasped.
"What do you think we are? Muppets?" Gus
snarled, recovering smoothly.
"Muppets? What ... I don't think ..." the ref
stammered.
"You don't have to," I smiled. "Just summon theTa-hoe magician and I'm sure we can work something out."
"But... Oh, very well."
The official trotted off toward the stands while therest of the team crowded around me.
"You're going to have a woman on the team?"
Badaxe demanded.
"Let me explain," I waved. "First of all, Tandaisn't..."
"She's not actually a woman," Chumly supplied.
190 Robert Asprin
"She's my sister. And when it comes to the old roughand tumble, she can beat me four out of five times."
"She isn't? I mean, she is?" Badaxe struggled. "Imean,she can?"
"You bet your sweet axe she can," Gus grinned.
"Gleep," said the dragon, determined to get histwo cents worth in.
"If you're all quite through," I said testily. "I'dlike to finish. What I was about to say was thatTanda isn't going to play."
There was a moment of stunned silence as the teamabsorbed this.
"I don't get it," Gus said at last. "If she isn'tgoing to play, then what..."
"Once she's here and revived, we're going to grabher and the Trophy and head back for Klah," I announced. "The ref's about to hand us the grand prizeon a silver platter."
"But what about the game?" Badaxe scowled.
I closed my eyes, realizing for a moment how Aahzmust feel when he has to deal with me.
"Let me explain this slowly," I said carefully."The reason we're in this game is to rescue Tandaand grab the Trophy. In a few minutes we're going tohave them both, so there'll be no reason for us tokeep getting our heads beaten in. Understand?"
"I still don't like quitting the field before the endof a battle," the general grumbled.
"For crying out loud!" I exploded. "This is a
game, not a war!"
"Are we talking about the same field?" Chumly
asked innocently.
Fortunately, I was spared having to formulate ananswer to that one as Quigley chose that moment toarrive, Tananda floating in his wake.
"What's this the ref says about using Tanda in thegame?" he demanded.
MYTH DIRECTIONS 191
"That's right," I lied. "We need her to finish thegame. Now if you'll be so good as to wake her up,we'll just... "
"But she's my hostage," the magician protested.
"C'mon, Quigley," I argued. "We aren't taking
her anyplace. She'll be right here on the field in fullsight of you and everybody else."
"And you can all skip off to another dimensionany time you want," Quigley pointed out. "No
deal."
That was uncomfortably close to the truth, but ifthere's one thing I've learned from Aahz, it's how tobluff with a straight face.
"Now, look, Quigley," I snarled. "I'm trying tobe fair about this, but it occurs to me you're takingadvantage of my promise."
"Of course," the magician nodded. "But tell youwhat. Just to show you I'm a sport, I'll let you haveTanda."
"Swell, "I grinned.
"If. . . and I repeat, (/you let me keep Aahz in exchange."
"What?" I exclaimed. "I mean, sure. Go ahead.
He's already out cold."
"Very well," he nodded. "This will just take a fewseconds."
"What does this do to our plans?" Gus asked,
drawing me aside.
"Nothing," I informed him through gritted teeth."We go as soon as it's clear."
"What?" the gargoyle gaped. "What about
Aahz?"
"It's his orders," I snarled. "Before the gamestarted he made me promise that if he got in trouble Iwouldn't endanger myself or the team trying to savehim."
"And you're going to skip out on him?" Gus
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MYTH DIRECTIONS 193
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sneered. "After all he's done for you?"
"Now don't you start on me, Gus!" I grimaced.
"I don't want to... "
"Hi, handsome," Tananda chirped, joining our
discussion. "If it isn't too much trouble, could someone fill me in as to why this august assemblage hasassembled, why we're standing in the middle of apasture, and what all these people are doing staringat us? And where's Quigley going with Aahz?"
"There's no time," I declared. "We've got to getgoing."
"Get going where?" she frowned.
"Back to Klah," Gus grumbled. "Skeeve here is inthe middle of abandoning Aahz."
"He's what?" Tananda gasped.
"Gus ..." I warned.
"Save it, handsome. I'm not budging until someone tells me what's going on, so you might as wellstart now."
It took surprisingly little time to bring her up todate once I got started. I deliberately omitted asmany details as possible to keep from getting Tananda riled. I had enough problems on my hands without fighting her, too! It seemed to work, as shelistened patiently without comment or frown.
"... and so that's why we've got to get out of herebefore play resumes," I finished.
"Bull feathers," she said firmly.
"I'm glad you . .. how's that again?" I. sputtered.
"I said 'Bull feathers,' " she repeated. "You guyshave been knocked around, trampled, and otherwisebeaten on for my sake and now we're going to run?Not me! I say we stay right here and teach thesebozos a lesson."
"But..."
"I don't know if your D-Hopper can move the
whole team," she continued, "but I'll bet it can't dothe job if we aren't cooperating."
"That's telling him," Gus chortled.
"... so retreat is out. Now, if you're afraid of getting hurt, just stay out of our way. We aren't leavinguntil we finish what you and Aahz started."
"Well said," Badaxe nodded.
"Count me in," the gargoyle supplied.
"You'll be the death of me yet, little sister,"Chumly sighed.
I managed to get a grip on Gleep's nose before hecould add his vote to the proceedings.
"Actually," I said slowly, "Aahz had always
warned me about how dangerous it is to travel
dimensions alone. And if I'm going to stay here, itoccurs to me the safest place would be surrounded bymy teammates."
"All right, Skeeve!" Gus grinned, clapping me onthe back.
"Then it's decided," Tananda nodded. "Now,
then, handsome, what's the plan?"
Somehow, I had known she was going to say that.
"Give me a minute," I pleaded. "A second ago theplan was to just split, remember? These plans don'tjust grow on trees, you know."
I plunged into thought, considering and discardingideas as they came to me. That didn't take long. Notthat many ideas were occurring to me.
I found myself staring at Chumly. He was craninghis neck to look at the stands.
"What are you doing?" I asked, irritated by hisapparent lack of concern with our situation.
"Hmmm? Oh. Sorry, old boy," the troll apologized. "I was just curious as to how many Deveelswere in the crowd. There's a lot of them."
"There are?" I blinked, scanning the crowd. "Idon't see any."
"Oh, they're disguised, of course," Chumly
shrugged. "But you can see their auras if you check.With the odds that were being given on this bloody
194 Robert Asprin
game, it was a sure thing they'd be here."
He was right. I'd been so preoccupied with thegame I had never bothered to check the stands. Nowthat I looked, I could see the auras of other demonsscattered throughout the crowd.
"It's too bad we can't cancel their disguises," Imuttered to myself.
"Oh, we could do that easy enough," the troll
answered.
"We could?"
"Certainly. Deveels always use the cheapest,
easiest disguises available. I know a spell that wouldrestore their normal appearance quick enough."
"You do?" I pressed. "Could it cover the wholestadium?"
"Well, not for a terribly long time," Chumly said,"but it would hold for a minute or two. Why do youask?"
"I think I've got an idea," I explained. "Be backin a minute."
"Where are you going?" the troll called after meas I started for the sidelines.
"To talk to Griffin," I retorted, not caring thatthe explanation didn't really explain anything.
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls"
M. ALI
THE ball carrier was "somewhere under Gleep whenthe whistle blew. That wouldn't have been too bad,if it weren't for the fact that Chumly had alreadythrown the ball carrier to the ground and jumped onhim prior to my pet joining in the fracas. As I saidbefore, Gleep had really gotten into the spirit ofthings.
"I say," came an agonized call from the troll, "doyou mind?"
"Sorry!" I apologized, backing the dragon ontomore solid footing.
"Say, Skeeve," Gus murmured, sliding up besideme, "how much longer until we're set for the bigplay?"
"Should be any minute now," I confided. "Why
do you ask?"
"He's afraid of additional casualties you and thatdragon will inflict on the team while we're stalling for
195
196 Robert Asprin
time," Badaxe chimed in sarcastically.
"Gleep," my pet commented, licking the general'sface.
"You might as well forget the hard guy act,
Hugh," the gargoyle observed. "The dragon's gotyou pegged as a softie."
"Is that so?" Badaxe argued, gasping a bit on
Gleep's breath. "Well, allow me to point out thatwith the master plan about to go into effect, we don'thave the ball!"
"Skeeve'll get it for us when we need it," Tanandaprotested, rising to my defense. "He always comesthrough when we need him. You've just never followed him into battle before."
"I believe I can testify," Chumly growled, limpingback to join us, "that it's safer to be following himthan in front of him."
"Sorry about that, Chumly," I winced. "It's justthat Gleep..."
"I know, I know," the troll interrupted.
" 'Spooked under fire' . . . remember, / gave youthat excuse originally. He seems to have recoveredadmirably."
"I hate to interrupt," Gus interrupted, "but isn'tthat our signal?"
I followed his gaze to the sidelines. Griffin wasthere waving his arms wildly. When he saw he hadmy attention, he crossed the fingers on both hands,then crossed his forearms over his head. That was thesignal.
"All right," I announced. "Fun time is over. Themessages have been delivered. Does everyone remember what they're supposed to do?"
As one, the team nodded, eager grins plastered ontheir faces. I don't know what they were so cheerfulabout. If any phase of this plan didn't work, some orall of us would be goners.
"Tanda and Chumly make one team. Badaxe, you
MYTH DIRECTIONS 197
stick with Gus. He's your ticket home," I repeatedneedlessly.
"We know what to do," the general nodded.
"Then let's do it!" I shouted, and wheeled Gleepinto position.
This time, as the ball came into play, we did notswarm toward the ball carrier. Instead, our entireteam back-pedaled to cluster in the mouth of ourgoal.
Our opponents hesitated, looking at each other.We had emptied over three quarters of their reserveteaching them to respect our strength, and now thatlesson was bearing fruit. No one seemed to want tobe the one to carry the ball into our formation. Theyweren't sure what we were up to but they didn't wantany part of it.
Finally, the ball carrier, a Ta-hoe player, turnedand threw the ball to his Rider, apparently figuringthe bug had the best chance of breaking through tothe goal. That's what I had been waiting for.
Reaching out with my mind, I brought the ball
winging, not to me, but to Hugh Badaxe. In a
smooth, fluid motion, the axe came off the general'sbelt and struck at the missile. I had never seen Hughuse his axe before, and I'll admit I was impressed.Weapon and ball met, and the weapon won. The ballfell to the ground in two halves as the axe returned toits resting place on the general's belt.
The crowd was on its feet, screaming incoherently.If they didn't like that, they didn't really get upsetover our next move.
"Everybody, mount up!" I shouted.
On cue, Tananda jumped on Chumly's back and
Badaxe did the same with Gus. I levitated half theball to each twosome, then did a fast disguise spell.
What our opponents saw now was three images ofme astride three images of Gleep. Each image of mehad half a ball proudly in its possession.
198 Robert Asprin
The more mathematically oriented of you might
realize that that adds up to three halves. Very good.Fortunately for us, Jahks aren't big on math. Thequestion remains, however, where did the third halfcome from?
You don't think I was standing by idly while allthis was going on, do you? While my teammates weremounting up, I took advantage of the confusion todo one more levitation/disguise job. As a result, theTrophy was now resting in front of me on Gleep'sback disguised as half a ball. It was the same stunt Ihad pulled in Veygus, but this time I draped my shirtover it.
"Chumly!" I called. "Start your spell!"
"Done!" he waved back.
"We meet back in Klah!" I shouted.
"Now go for it!"
My teammates started up opposite sidelines, heading for both our opponents' goals simultaneously. Iwaited a few beats for them to draw off the tacklers,then started for my objective. Gleep and I were goingfor Aahz.
With all due modesty, my plan worked brilliantly.The appearance of Deveels throughout the crowdsent the Jahks into a state of panic. The crossbowmen were too busy trying to get a shot of these newinvaders to pay any attention to me, but they werepoorly aimed. For some reason the beings shooting atme seemed a bit rattled.
I caught sight of Quigley, standing on his seat andwaving his arms. Catchy phrases like "Begone foulspirits!" and "I vanquish thee!" were issuing fromhis lips as he did his routine.
This didn't surprise me. Not that I felt Quigley wasparticularly quick thinking in a crisis. It had to dowith the messages I had sent to both him and Masshabefore the play started.
The messages were simple:
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STAND BY TO REPEL AN INVASION OF
DEMONS!
P.S. GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. I'LL
TAKE CARE OF THE DEMONS.
SKEEVE
I caught his eye and winked at him. In return, oneof his "demon dispelling" waves got a little limp-wristed as he nodded slightly, bidding me adieu. Inthe middle of saving his employers from an invasionof demons, who could blame him if a few departedwho were supposed to stay put.
Aahz's unconscious body came wafting toward usin response to my mental summons. Gleep stretchedout his long neck and caught my mentor's tunic in hismouth as he floated by.
It wasn't quite the way I planned it but I was in noposition to be choosy. Tightening my legs aroundGleep's middle, I hit the button on the D-Hopper,and...
The walls of my room were a welcome change
from the hostile stadium.
"We did it!" I exclaimed, then was startled by thevolume of my voice. After the din of the stadium, myroom seemed incredibly quiet.
"Kid," came a familiar voice, "would you tell
your stupid dragon to put me down before I die fromhis breath?"
"Gleep?" my pet asked, dropping my mentor in
an undignified heap.
"Aahz?" I blinked. "I thought you were..."
"Out cold? Not hardly. Can you think of a betterway to get Tanda out on the field? For a while there Iwas afraid you wouldn't figure it out and call for areplacement."
"You mean you were faking all along?" I de---
200 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 201
manded. "I was scared to death! You could havewarned me, you know."
"Like you warned me about your vanishing act?"he shot back. "And what happened to my orders tohead for home once Tanda was in the clear?"
"Your orders?" I stammered. "Well..."
There was a soft BAMF and Gus and Badaxe were
in the room. Gus was holding the general cradled inhis arms like a babe, but they both seemed in goodspirits.
"Beautiful!" Hugh chortled, hugging the gargoylearound the neck. "If you ever need a back-up
man..."
"If you ever need a partner." Gus corrected, hugging him back. "You and I could..."
BAMF!
Chumly and Tananda appeared sprawling on the
bed. Both her nostrils were bleeding, but she waslaughing uproariously. Chumly was panting for
breath and wiping tears of hilarity from his big mooneyes.
"I say," he gasped. "That was a spot of fun. Wehaven't double-teamed anyone like that since the lastfamily reunion, when Auntie Tizzie got Tiddleyand... "
"What happened?" I bellowed.
"We won!" Gus cheered. "One and a half to one
and a half to one! They never knew what hit 'em."
"It's one for the record book," Tananda agreed,dabbing at her nose.
"For the record book?" Gus challenged. "This
game'll fill a book by itself."
"Aahz, old bean," Chumly called. "Do you have
any wine about? The assemblage seems up for a
celebration."
"I know where it is," Badaxe waved, starting forthe barrels we had secreted under the work table.
"Hold it!" Aahz roared. "Halt, stop, desist, andTIMEOUT!!"
"I think he wants our attention," Tananda toldthe group.
"If you're all quite through," my mentor continued, shooting her a black look. "I have one question."
"What's that?" Tananda asked in her little girlvoice.
"Quit bleeding on the bed," Aahz scowled. "It
lacks class. What I want to know is, did any of yousuperstars think to pick up the Trophy? That was theobjective of this whole fiasco, you know."
The team gestured grandly at me. With a grin, I letthe disguise drop away from the Trophy.
"Ta-da!" I warbled. "Happy birthday, Aahz."
"Happy birthday!!" the team echoed.
Aahz looked at their grins, then at the Trophy,then at their grins again.
"All right," he sighed. "Break out the wine."
The roar of approval for this speech rivaled anything that had come from the stands that afternoonas the team descended on the wine barrels like aswarm of hungry humming mice.
"Well, Aahz," I grinned, levitating the Trophy tothe floor and sliding from Gleep's back. "I guess thatjust about winds it up."
I was starting for the wine barrels when a heavyhand fell on my shoulder.
"There are a few loose ends to be tied up," mymentor drawled.
"Like what?" 1 asked fearfully.
"Like the invitation you gave Massha to drop byfora visit."
"Invitation?" I echoed in a small voice.
"Badaxe told me about it," Aahz grimaced.
"Then there's a little matter of a quick trip to Deva."
202 Robert Asprin
"To Deva?" I blinked. "What for? I mean, swell,but..."
"I've got to pick up our winnings," my mentor informed me. "I took the time to place a few small betson the game while we were there. Profits don't justhappen, you know."
"When do we start?" I asked eagerly.
"We don't." Aahz said firmly. "This time I'm
going alone. There's something about you and theBazaar that just don't mix well."
"But Aahz..."
"And besides," he continued, grinning broadly,"there's one more loose end from this venture thatwill be occupying your time. One which only you canhandle."
"Really?" I said proudly. "What's that?"
"Well," my mentor said, heading for the wine,
"you can start thinking about how we're going to getthat stupid dragon out of our room. He's too big tofit through the door or window."
"Gleep!" said my pet, licking my face.
About the Author:
With the success of his "Thieves' World"r" seriesand the "Myth-Adventures," Robert Asprin has
established himself as one of the most popular ofthe new rising generation of science fantasy
authors. Mr. Asprin lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan.He claims to have been at one time or another a fencing coach, a Mongol warlord, a Klingon, a cost ac-countant and a deep space mercenary. Scholars ofthe genre consider this biography to be highly fic-tional, due to the fact that the fourth named wouldbe grounds for arrest anywhere in the civilized uni-verse.
"There's something to be said for relatives
. . . it has to be said because it's unprint---
able!"
A. EINSTEIN
This Ace Fantasy Book contains the complete
text of the original trade edition.
It has been completely reset in a typeface
designed for easy reading, and was printed
from new Him.
An Ace Fantasy Book published by arrangement withStarblaze Editions of the Donning CompanyPublishers
PRINTING HISTORY
Donning edition published 1983
Ace Fantasy edition / September 1985
Second printing / September 1985
Fourth printing / December 1985
Fifth printing / October 1986
All rights reserved.
Copyright 1983 by Robert L. Asprin.
Cover art by Walter Velez.
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, VA 23502.
ISBN: 0-441-33851-8
Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
PERHAPS if I hadn't been so preoccupied with my ownthoughts when I walked into my quarters that day, Iwouldn't have been caught unawares. Still, who expectsto get caught in a magikal attack just walking into theirown room?
Okay, okay! So I am the Court Magician of Possiltum, and maybe I have been getting a bit of a reputationlately. I still should be able to walk into my own roomwithout getting jumped! I mean, if a magician isn't safein his own quarters, can he be safe anywhere?
Scratch that question!
It's the kind of thing my teacher says to convince methat choosing magic for a career path is not the best wayto insure living out one's normal life span. Of course, itdoesn't take much convincing. Actions speak louderthan words, and the action since I signed on as his apprentice has been loud enough to convince me that amagician's life is not particularly quiet. I mean, whenyou realize that within days of meeting him, we both gotlynched by an angry mob ... as in hung by the neck ...
But I digress.
We started out with me simply walking into my room.Yeah, simple! There was a demon waiting for me, aPervect to be exact. This in itself wasn't unusual. Aahz,the teacher I mentioned earlier, is a Pervect. In fact, heshares my quarters with me. What was unusual was thatthe demon waiting for me wasn't Aahz!
Now I haven't met many Pervects . . . heck, the onlyone t know is Aahz . . . but I know Aahz very well, andthis Pervect wasn't him!
This demon was shorter than my mentor, his scaleswere-a lighter shade of green, and his gold eyes were setcloser together. What's more, he wasn't smiling ... andAahz always smiles, even when he's mad . . . especiallywhen he's mad. To the average eye Aahz and thisstranger might look alike, but to me they were as different as a Deveel and an Imp. Of course, there was atime when I couldn't tell the difference between aDeveel and an Imp. It says something about the company I've been keeping lately.
"Who are you?" I demanded.
"You Skeeve?"
"Yeah. Me Skeeve. Who you?"
For an answer, I suddenly felt myself snatched intothe air by an invisible hand and spun end over end untilI finally stopped dangling head down four feet off thefloor.
"Don't get smart with me, punk. I understand you'reholding a relative of mine in some kind of bondage. Iwant him back. Understand?"
He emphasized his point by lowering me to within afew inches of the floor, then using that surface to rapmy head sharply.
I may not be the greatest magician ever, but I knewwhat he was doing. He was using his mind to levitate meabout the room. I've done it myself to small objectsfrom time to time. Of course, it occurred to me that Iwasn't a small object and that I was dealing with someone a bit better versed in the magikal arts than myself.As such, I deemed it wiser to keep my temper and mymanners.
"You know Aahz?"
"Sure do. And I want him back."
The latter was accompanied by another head rap. Somuch for holding my temper.
"Then you should know him well enough to know
that nobody holds him against his will!"
My head started for the floor again, but stopped shortof its target. From my inverted position I could get apartial view of the demon tapping himself thoughtfullyon the chin.
"That's true," he murmured. "All right...."
I was turned into an upright position once more.
". . . Let's take it from the top. Where's Aahz, andwhat's keeping him in this backwater dimension?"
"I think and talk better with my feet on the ground."
"Hmm? Oh! Sorry."
I was lowered into a normal standing position. Nowthat I was self-supporting again, I realized the interroga-tion had left me with a splitting headache.
"He's back in General Badaxe's quarters arguingmilitary tactics," I managed. "It was so boring I cameback here. He should be along soon. They were almostout of wine when I left."
"Tactics and wine, eh?" my visitor grimaced. "Thatsounds like Aahz. What's the rest of it? Why is he staying around a nowhere dimension like Klah and how didhe get mixed up with the Great Skeeve?"
"You've heard of me?"
"Here and there around the dimensions," the demonacknowledged. "In some circles they think you're prettyhot stuff. That's why I started wondering if you'dmanaged to cage Aahz somehow. I was braced for a realbattle royale when you walked in."
"Well, actually I'm not all that good," I admitted."I've only really started making headway in the lastcouple years since I started studying under Aahz. I'dstill be a total nothing if he hadn't lost his powers andtaken me on as an apprentice."
"Bingo!" my visitor declared, holding up his hand."I think you just explained everything. Aahz lost hispowers and took on a new apprentice! No wonder hehasn't been home in a while. And all this talk about theGreat Skeeve is just a standard Aahz-managed hype jobfor a new talent. Right?"
"We have taken on a few rough assignments," I saiddefensively.
"In which Aahz choreographed, then set you up totake the credit. Right?"
"What's 'choreographed'?" I asked. Obviously thefamily similarity was more than scale deep.
"Well, I hope you're up to operating on your own,Skeeve, 'cause I'm taking your mentor back to Pervwith me."
"But you don't have to rescue him from me!" I protested. "He's free to come and go as he wants;"
"Ym not saving him from you, I'm saving him fromAahz. Our colleague has an overblown sense of responsibility that isn't always in his own best interest. Do youknow how lucrative a practice he's letting fall apart onPerv while he clowns around with you?"
"No, "I admitted.
"Well, he's losing money every day he's gone... andthat means the family is losing money."
Right there I gave up the argument. Early on in myassociation with Aahz I learned the futility of trying totalk a Pervect out of money. The fact that Aahz waswilling to sacrifice a steady income to work with me wasan incredible tribute to our friendship ... or his sense ofduty. Of course, there's more than one way to win anargument.
"Well, as I said before, I can't keep him here," I saidinnocently. "If you can convince him he's not neededanymore...."
"No way, punk," the demon sneered. "We both
know that won't get him to desert an apprentice. I'mgoing to lure him back to Perv with a blatant lie. And.you're going to keep your mouth shut."
"But..."
". . . Because if you don't, I'll make sure there'snothing left to keep him in Klah . .. meaning you! Nowbefore you even think about trying to match magik withme, remember something. You've been studying underAahz for a couple years now. / graduated after overthree hundred years of apprenticeship. So far, I'm willing to live and let live. You should be able to earn a liv-ing on what you've learned so far, maybe even pick up afew new tricks as you go along. However, if you crossme now, there won't be enough of you to pick up with asponge. Do we understand each other?"
I was suddenly aware why nobody we met in su?
dimension-crawling ever wanted to tangle with a Pervect. I was also aware that someone had just walkedinto the room behind me.
"Rupert!"
"Uncle Aahz!"
The two pounded each other on the back. I gave themlots of room.
"Hey kid, this is my nephew Rupert . . . but I seeyou've already met."
"Unfortunately," I grumbled.
That earned me a black look from Rupert, but Aahzmissed it completely.
"So what brings you to Klah, nephew? A bit off yournormal prowl pattern, isn't it?"
"It's Dad. He wants you."
"Sorry," Aahz was suddenly his normal self again."I've got too many irons in the fire here to get drawninto some family squabble."
"But he's dying."
That stopped Aahz for a moment.
"My brother? Nonsense. He's too tough to kill. Hecould even beat me in an unfair fight."
"He got into a fight with Mom."
A look of concern crossed Aahz's face. I could see hewas wavering.
"That serious, huh? I don't know, though. If he'sreally dying, I don't see what I can do to help."
"It shouldn't take long," Rupert urged. "He saidsomething about his will."
I groaned inwardly. Trust a Pervect to know a
Pervect's weaknesses.
"Well, I guess my business here can keep for a fewdays," Aahz declared with false reluctance. "Stay outof trouble, kid. I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Let's get going," Rupert suggested, hiding histriumphant grin. "The sooner we get to Perv, thesooner you can be back."
"But Aahz...."
"Yeah, kid?"
I saw Rupert's brow darken.
"I... I just wanted to say 'goodbye.' "
"Hey, don't make a big thing of this, kid. It's not likeI was going forever."
Before I could respond, Rupert clapped an arm
around Aahz's shoulder and they both faded from view.
Gone.
Somehow I couldn't make myself believe it had happened. My mentor had been spirited away . . . permanently. Whatever I had learned from Aahz wouldhave to do, because now I was totally on my own.
Then I heard a knock at my door.
"When things are blackest, I just tell myself
'cheer up, things could be worse!' And
sure enough, they get worse!"
SKEEVE
I DECIDED that as Court Magician of Possiltum, myresponse should be gracious.
"Go away!"
That was gracious. If you knew what my actual
thoughts were. you'd realize that. Very few people evervisited me in my chambers, and I didn't want to see anyof them just then.
"Do you know who you're talking to?" came a muffled voice from the other side of the door.
"No! And I don't care! Go away!"
"This is Rodrick the Fifth. Your King!"
That stopped me. Upset or not, that title belonged tothe man who set and paid my wages. As I said earlier, Ihave learned a few things from Aahz.
"Do you know who you're talking to?" I called back,and hoped.
There was a moment's pause.
"I assume I'm talking to Skeeve the Magnificent,Court Magician of Possiltum. At best, he'll be the oneto bear the brunt of my wrath if I'm kept waiting outside his chambers much longer."
So much for hoping. These things never work in reallife the way they do in jokes.
Moving with undignified haste, I pounced on thedoor handle and wrenched it open.
"Good afternoon. Lord Magician. May I come in?"
"Certainly, Your Majesty," I said, standing aside. "Inever refuse a fifth."
The King frowned.
"Is that a joke? If so, I don't get the point."
"Neither do I," I admitted calmly. "It's somethingAahz my apprentice says."
"Ah, yes. Your apprentice. Is he about?"
Rodrick swept majestically into the room, peeringcuriously into the comers as if he expected Aahz tospring forth from the walls.
"No. He's... out."
"Good. I had hoped to speak with you alone. Hmmm. . . these are really quite spacious quarters. I don'trecall having been here before."
That was an understatement. Not only had the Kingnever visited my room in his palace, I couldn't recallhaving seen him when he wasn't either on the throne orin its near vicinity.
"Your Majesty has never graced me with his presencesince I accepted position in his court," I said.
"Oh. Then, that's probably why I don't recall beinghere," Rodrick responded lamely.
That in itself was strange. Usually the King was quiteglib and never at a loss for words. In fact, the more Ithought about it, the stranger this royal visit to myprivate chambers became. Despite my distress at Aahz'sunplanned and apparently permanent departure, I feltmy curiosity beginning to grow.
"May I ask the reason for this pleasant, though unex-pected audience?"
"Well. . ." the King began, then shot one more look
about the room. "Are you sure your apprentice isn'tabout?"
"Positive. He's ... I sent him on a vacation.""A vacation?"
"Yes. He's been studying awfully hard lately."
The King frowned slightly.
"I don't remember approving a vacation."
For a moment, I thought I was going to get caught inmy own deception. Then I remembered that in additionto the various interdimensional languages, Aahz hadalso been teaching me to speak ' 'bureaucrat.''
"I didn't really feel your authorization was necessary," I said loftily. "Technically, my apprentice is noton your Majesty's payroll. I am paying him out of mywages, which makes him my employee, subject to myrules including vacations ... or dismissal. While he issubject to your laws, as is any subject of Possiltum, Idon't feel he actually is governed by Subparagraph Gconcerning palace staff!''
My brief oration had the desired effect: it both confused and bored my audience. Aahz would have beenproud of me. I was particularly pleased that I had managed to sneak in that part about dismissals. It meantthat when Aahz didn't return, I could claim that I haddismissed him without changing the wage paid me bythe crown.
Of course, this got me brooding again about Aahz notcoming back.
"Well, whatever. I'm glad to see your philosophyregarding vacations mirrors my own. Lord Magician.Everyone should have a vacation. In fact, that's why I
That opened my eyes. Figuratively and literally."You, your Majesty? But Kings don't take vacations."
"That's the whole point."
Rodrick began pacing the floor nervously as he
spoke.
"The pressures of being a King mount up like they doon any other job. The difference is that as a King younever get a break. No time to rest and collect yourthoughts, or even just sleep late. From the coronationwhen the crown hits your head until it's removed byvoluntary or forcible retirement, you are the King."
"Gee, that's tough. Your Majesty. I wish there wassomething I could do to help."
The King stopped pacing and beamed at me again.
"But you can! That's why I'm here!"
"Me? I can't approve a vacation for you! Even if itwere in my power, and it isn't, the kingdom needs a kingon the throne all the time. It can't spare you, even forone day!"
"Exactly! That's why I can't leave the throne unat-tended. If I wanted a vacation, I'd need a standin."
An alarm bell went off in my mind.
Now, however much Aahz may have nagged me
about being a slow student, I'm not stupid. Even beforeI met Aahz . . . heck, before I learned my letters ... Iknew how to add two and two to get four. In this case,one two was the king's need for a standin; the secondtwo was his presence in my quarters, and the fourwas....
"Surely your Majesty can't mean me!"
"Of course I mean you," Rodrick confirmed. "Thefact is, Lord Magician, I had this in mind when I hiredyou to your current position."
"You did?"
I could feel the jaws of the trap closing. If this was in-deed why the King had hired me, I would be ill-advisedto refuse the assignment. Rodrick might decide my services were no longer needed, and the last thing 1 neededwith Aahz gone was to get cut off from my source of in-come. I wasn't sure what the job market was like for ex-court magicians, but I was sure I didn't want to find outfirst hand.
"As you said earlier, the powers of the Court Magician are at my disposal, and one of the powers youdemonstrated when we first met was the ability tochange your own shape, or the shape of others, at will."
The disguise spell! It was one of the first spells Aahzhad taught me and one of the ones most frequently usedover our last several adventures. After all the times it'sbailed me out of tight spots, who would have guessed itwould be the spell to get me into trouble? Well, therewas the time it had gotten me hung....
"But, your Majesty, I couldn't possibly substitute foryou. I don't know how to be a King!"
"Nothing to it," Rodrick smiled. "The nice thingabout being a King is that even when you're wrong, noone dares to point it out."
"But...."
"And besides, it will only be for one day. What couldpossibly go wrong in one day?"
"Once a knight, always a knight,
But once a King is once too often!"
SIR BELLA OF EASTMARCH
Now, I don't want you to think I'm a pushover. I drovea hard bargain with the King before giving in. I not onlymanaged to get him to agree to a bonus, but to cough upa hefty percentage in advance before accepting theassignment. Not bad for a fledgling magician who wasover a barrel.
Of course, once I accepted, I was no longer over abarrel, I was in over my head!
The more I thought about it, the worse the idea ofstanding in for the King seemed. The trouble was, Ididn't have a choice ... or did I? I thought about itsome more and a glimmer of hope appeared.
There was a way out! The only question was, how farcould I run in a day? While not particularly worldly (oroff-worldly for that matter) I was pretty sure thatdouble-crossing kings wasn't the healthiest of pastimes.
It was going to be a big decision, definitely the biggestI ever had to make on my own. The King (or to be exact,his standin) wasn't due to make an appearance untilnoon tomorrow, so I had a little time to mull thingsover. With that in mind, I decided to talk it out with mylast friend left in the palace.
"What do you think, Gleep? Should I take it on thelam, or stick around and try to bluff it out for one dayasking?"
The response was brief and to the point.
"Gleep!"
For those of you who've tuned in to this series late,
Gleep is my pet. He lives in the Royal Stables. He's alsoa twenty-foot long blue dragon ... half grown. (I shud-der to think what he'll be like when he's fully grown!Groan!) As to his witty conversation, you'll have toforgive him. He only has a one-word vocabulary, but hemakes up for it by using that word a lot. Wordy or not,I turned to him in this moment of crisis because withAahz gone, he was the only one in this dimension whowould be even vaguely sympathetic to my problem.That in itself says a lot about the social life of a magician.
"Come on, Gleep, get serious. I'm in real trouble. If I
try to stand in for the King, I might make a terriblemistake . . . like starting a war or hanging an innocentman. On the other hand, if I double-cross the King anddisappear, you and I would spend the rest of our lives ashunted fugitives."
The unicorn in the next stall snorted and stamped afoot angrily.
"Sorry, Buttercup. The three of us would be huntedfugitives."
War unicorns aren't all that common, even in RoyalStables. That particular war unicorn was mine. I acquired him as a gift shortly after I acquired Gleep. As Isaid before, this lifestyle is more than a little zooish.
"In a kingdom with a bad king, a lot of people wouldget hurt." I reasoned, "and I'd be a terrible king. Heck,I'm not all that good a magician."
"Gleep," my pet argued sternly.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it's true. Idon't want to hurt anybody, but I'm not wild aboutbeing a hunted fugitive, either."
Tired of verbalizing his affection, Gleep decided todemonstrate his feelings by licking my face. Now, asidefrom leaving a slimy residue, my dragon's kisses haveone other side effect. His breath is a blast of stench ex-ceeded only by the smell of Pervish cooking.
"G . . . Gleep, old boy," I managed at last, "I loveyou dearly, but if you do that twice a week, we may partcompany ... permanently!"
"Gleep?"
That earned me a hurt expression, which I erasedsimply enough by scratching his head. It occurred to methat dragons had survived because each of them onlybecame emotionally attached to one being in its lifetime.If their breath reached the entire population instead of asingle individual, they would have been hunted into ex-tinction long ago. No, it was better that only one personshould suffer than ...
Another part of my mind grabbed that thought andstarted turning it over.
"If I run, then I'll be the only one in trouble, but if Itry to be king, the whole kingdom suffers! That's it! Ihave to leave. It's the only decent thing to do. Thanks,Gleep!"
"Gleep?"
My pet cocked his head in puzzlement.
"I'll explain later. All right. It's decided. You twostock up on food while I duck back to my room to get afew things. Then it's 'Goodbye, Possiltum!' "
I've had pause to wonder what would have happenedif I'd followed my original plan: just headed for myroom, gathered up my belongings, and left. The timingfor the rest of the evening would have changed, and therest of this story would have been totally different. As itwas, I made a slight detour. Halfway to my room,Aahz's training cut in. That is, I started thinking aboutmoney.
Even as a hunted fugitive, money would come inhandy . . . and the King's advance would only last solong. With a little extra cash, I could run a lot farther,hide a lot longer ... or at the very least live a lotbetter. ...
Buoyed by these thoughts, I went looking for J. R.Grimble.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer and I had neverbeen what you would call close friends. Blood enemieswould be a better description. Aahz always maintainedthat this was because of my growing influence in court.Not so. The truth was that my mentor's greed for additional funding was surpassed only by Grimble's reluctance to part with the same. Literally the same, since mywages came out of those coffers so closely guarded bythe Chancellor.
I found him, as expected, in the tiny cubicle he usedfor an office. Scuttlebutt has it he repeatedly refusedlarger rooms, trying desperately to impress the rest ofthe staff by setting an example of frugality. It didn'twork, but he kept trying and hoping.
His desk was elbow deep in paper covered by tinylittle numbers which he alternately peered at andchanged while moving various sheets from stack tostack. There were similar stacks on the floor and on theonly other available chair, leading me to believe he hadbeen at his current task for some time. Seeing no available space for sitting or standing, I elected to leanagainst the door frame.
"Working late, Lord Chancellor?"
That earned me a brief, dark glare before he returnedto his work.
"If I were a magician, I'd be working late. AsChancellor of the Exchequer, these are my normalhours. For your information, things are going rathersmoothly. So smoothly, in fact, I may be able to wrapup early tonight, say in another three or four hours."
"What are you working on?"
"Next year's Budget and Operating Plan, and it'salmost done. That is, providing someone doesn't wantto risk incurring my permanent disfavor by trying tochange a number on me at the last minute."
The last was accompanied by what can only be
described as a meaningful stare.
I ignored it.
I mean, what the heck! I was already on his bad side,so his threats didn't scare me at all.
"Then it's a good thing I caught you before youfinished your task," I said nonchalantly. "I want todiscuss something with you that will undoubtedly havean impact on your figures. Specifically, a change in mypay scale."
"Out of the question!" Grimble exploded. "You'realready the highest paid employee on the staff, including myself. It's outrageous that you would even think ofasking for a pay increase."
"Not a pay increase. Lord Chancellor, a pay cut."
That stopped him.
"A pay cut?"
"Say, down to nothing."
He leaned back in his chair and regarded me suspiciously.
"I find it hard to believe that you and your apprenticeare willing to work for nothing. Forgive me, but Ialways distrust noble sacrifice as a motive. Though Idislike greed, at least it's a drive I can understand."
"Perhaps that's why we've always gotten along sowell," I purred. "However, you're quite right. I haveno intention of working for free. I was thinking of leaving the court of Possiltum to seek employment elsewhere."
The chancellor's eyebrows shot up.
"While I won't argue your plan, I must admit it surprises me. I was under the impression you were quiteenamored of your position here in 'a soft job,' I believeis how your scaly apprentice describes it. What couldpossibly entice you to trade the comforts of court lifefor an uncertain future on the open road?"
"Why, a bribe, of course," I smiled. "A lump sum ofa thousand gold pieces."
"I see," Grimble murmured softly. "And who's offering this bribe, if I might ask?"
I stared at the ceiling.
"Actually, I was rather hoping that, you would."
There was a bit of haggling after that, but mostly onthe terms of our agreement. Grimble really wantedAahz and me out of his accounts, though I suspect hewould have been less malleable if he had realized he wasonly dealing with me. There was a bit of name callingand breast beating, but the end result is what counts,and that end result was my heading for my quarters, athousand gold pieces richer in exchange for a promisethat it was the last money I would ever receive fromGrimble. It was one more reason for my being on myway as soon as possible.
With light heart and heavy purse, I entered myquarters.
Remember the last time I entered my quarters? Howthere was a demon waiting for me? Well, it happenedagain.
Now don't get me wrong. This isn't a regular occurrence in my day-to-day existence. One demon showing up unannounced is a rarity. Two demons . . . well,no matter how you looked at it, this was going to be ared-letter day in my diary.
Does it seem to you I'm stalling? I am. You see, thisdemon I knew, and her name was Massha!
"Well hel-lo, high roller! I was just in the neighbor-hood and thought I'd stop by and say 'Hi!' "
She started forward to give me a hug, and I hastilymoved to put something immobile between us. A 'hi!'and a hug might not sound like a threat to you. If not,you don't know Massha!
I have nothing against hello hugs. I have anotherdemon friend named Tananda (yes, I have a lot ofdemon friends these days) whose hello hugs are highpoints in my existence. Tananda is cute, curvaceous,and cuddly. Okay, so she's also an assassin, but herhello hugs can get a rise out of a statue.
Massha, on the other hand, is not cute and cuddly.Massha is immense . . . and then some. I didn't doubtthe sincere goodwill behind her greeting. I was justafraid that if she hugged me, it would take days to findmy way out again ... and I had a getaway to plan.
"Um ... Hi, Massha. Good to see you ... all ofyou."
The last time I had seen Massha, she was disguised asa gaudy circus tent, except it wasn't a disguise. It wasactually the way she dressed. This time, though, she hadapparently kicked out the jams ... along with her entirewardrobe and any modicum of good taste. Okay, shewasn't completely naked. She was wearing a leopard-skin bikini, but she was showing enough flesh for fournormal naked people. A bikini, her usual wheelbarrowfull of jewelry, light green lipstick that clashed with herorange hair, and a tattoo on her bicep. That wasMassha. Class all the way.
"What brings you to Klah? Aren't you still workingJahk?" I asked, mentioning the dimension where wemet.
"The boys will just have to work things out withoutme for a while. I'm on a little... vacation."
There was a lot of that going around.
"But what are you doing here?"
"Not much for small talk, are you? I like that in aman."
My skin started to crawl a little on that last bit, butshe continued.
"Well. . . while I'm here, I thought I'd take anotherlittle peek at your General Badaxe, but that's not thereal reason for my visit. I was hoping you and me couldtalk a little... business."
My life flashed before my eyes. For a moment,
neither Aahz's departure nor the King's assignment wasmy biggest problem ... pun intended.
"Me?" I managed at last.
"That's right, hot stuff. I've been giving it a lot ofthought since you and your scaly green sidekick rolledthrough my territory, and yesterday I made up mymind. I've decided to sign on as your apprentice."
"Duty: A fee paid for transacting in
good(s)."
U.S. DEPT. OF COMMERCE
"BUT your Majesty, he promised me he'd pay the otherhalf before spring, and ..."
"I did not."
"Did too."
"Liar!"
"Thief!"
"Citizens," I said, "I can only listen to one side at atime. Now then, you! Tell me what you remember beingsaid."
That's right. / said. There I was, sitting on the verythrone I had decided to avoid at all cost.
Actually, this king business wasn't all that rough.Rodrick had briefed me on basic procedure and provided me with a wardrobe, and from there it was fairlysimple. The problems paraded before me weren't allthat hard to solve, but there were lots of them.
At first I was scared, then for a while it was fun. Nowit was just boring. I had lost count of how many cases Ihad listened to, but I had developed a new sympathy forRodrick's desire to get away for a while. I was ready fora vacation before lunch rolled around. It was beyondmy comprehension how he had lasted for years of thisnonsense.
You may wonder how I went from talking with
Massha to sitting on the throne. Well, I wonder myselffrom time to time, but here's what happened as near as Ican reconstruct it.
Needless to say, her request to work as my apprenticecaught me unprepared.
"M ... my ... but Massha. You already have a jobas a court magician. Why would you want to apprenticeyourself tome?"
In response, Massha heaved a great sigh. It was astartling phenomenon to watch. Not just because therewas so much of Massha moving in so many differentdirections, but because when she was done, she seemedto have deflated to nearly half her original size. She wasno longer an imposing figure, just a rather tired lookingfat woman.
"Look, Skeeve," she said in a low voice that bore noresemblance to her normal vampish tones. "If we'regoing to work together, we've got to be honest with eachother. Court magician or not, we both know that I don'tknow any magik. I'm a mechanic ... a gimmick freak.I've got enough magik baubles to hold down a job, butany bozo with a big enough bankroll could buy the samestuff at the Bazaar at Deva.
"Now, mind you, I'm not complaining. Old
Massha's been kicked around by some of the best andnobody's ever heard her complain. I've been happy withwhat I have up to now. It's just when I saw you andyour rat pack put one over on both city-states at the BigGame with some real magik, I knew there was something to learn besides how to operate gimmicks. Sowhattaya say? Will you help me learn a little of the stuffI really got into the magik biz for?"
Her honesty was making me more than a little uncomfortable. I wanted to help her, but I sure didn'twant an apprentice right now. I decided to stall.
"Why did you choose magik for a profession,
anyway?"
That got me a sad smile.
"You're sweet, Skeeve, but we were going to behonest with each other, remember? I mean, look at me.What am I supposed to do for a living? Get married andbe a housewife? Who would have me? Even a blind mancould figure out in no time flat that I was more than hehad bargained for ... a lot more. I resigned myself tothe way I look a long time ago. I accepted it and coveredup any embarrassment I felt with loud talk and flamboyant airs. It was only natural that a profession likemagik that thrives on loud talk and flamboyant airswould attract me."
"We aren't all loud talk," I said cautiously.
"I know," she smiled. "You don't have to act bigbecause you've got the clout to deliver what you promise. It impressed me on Jahk, and everyone I talked to atthe Bazaar on Deva said the same thing. 'Skeeve doesn'tstrut much, but don't start a fight with him.' That's whyI want you for my teacher. I already know how to talkloud."
Honesty and flattery are a devastating one-twopunch. Whatever I thought about her before, right nowMassha had me eating out of the palm of her hand.Before I committed myself to anything I might regretlater, I decided to try fighting her with her ownweapons.
"Massha . . . we're going to be honest with eachother, right? Well, I can't accept you as an apprenticeright now for two reasons. The first is simple. I don'tknow that much magik myself. No matter what kind ofscam we pull on the paying customers, including theones on Deva, the truth is that I'm just a student. I'mstill learning the business myself."
"That's no problem, big bwana," Maasha laughed,regaining some of her customary composure. "Magik islike that: the more you learn, the more you find there isto know. That's why the really big guns in our businessspend all their time closeted away studying and practic-ing. You know some magik, and that's some more thanI know. I'll be grateful for anything you're willing toteach me."
"Oh." I said, a bit surprised that my big confessionhadn't fazed her at all. "Well, there's still the secondreason."
"And that is?"
"... That I'm in a bit of trouble myself. In fact, Iwas just getting ready to sneak out of the kingdom whenyou showed up."
A small frown wrinkled Massha's forehead.
"Hmm . . ." she said, thoughtfully. "Maybe you'dbetter give me some of the details of this trouble you'rein. Sometimes talking it out helps, and that's what apprentices are for."
"They are?" I countered skeptically. "I've been apprenticed twice, and I don't remember either of themagicians I studied under confiding in me with theirproblems."
"Well, that's what Massha's for. Listening happensto be one of the few things I'm really good at. Now give.What's happened to put a high-stepper like you on therun?"
Seeing no easy alternative, I told her about the King'sassignment and my subsequent deal with Grimble. Shewas right. She was an excellent listener, making justenough sympathetic noise to keep me talking withoutactually interrupting my train of thought.
When I finally wound down, she sighed and shookher head.
"You're right. You've got a real problem there. ButI think there are a few things you've overlooked inreaching your final decision."
"Such as...?"
"Well, first, you're right. A bad king is worse than agood king. The problem is that a bad king is better thanno king at all. Roddie Five is counting on you to fill hischair tomorrow, and if you don't show up, the wholekingdom goes into a panic because the king has disappeared."
"I hadn't thought about it that way," I admitted.
"Then there's the thing with Grimble. We all pick upa little extra cash when we can, but in this case if itcomes out that Grimble paid you to skip out when theKing was counting on you, his head goes on the chop-ping block for treason."
I closed my eyes.
That did it. It was bad enough to hurt the facelessmasses, but when the mass had a face, even if it wasGrimble's, I couldn't let him face a treason chargebecause of my cowardice.
"You're right," I sighed. "I'm going to have to sit infor the King tomorrow."
' 'With me as your apprentice?''
"Ask me after tomorrow ... if I'm still alive. In themeantime, scurry off and say 'Hello' to Badaxe. I knowhe'll be glad to see you."
"Your Majesty?"
I snapped back to the present, and realized the twoarguers were now looking at me, presumably to render adecision.
"If I understand this case correctly," I stalled, "bothof you are claiming ownership of the same cat. Correct?"
Two heads bobbed in quick agreement.
"Well, if the two of you can't decide the problem between you, it seems to me there's only one solution. Cutthe cat in two and each of you keep half."
This was supposed to inspire them to settle their difference with a quick compromise. Instead they thankedme for my wisdom, shook hands, and left smiling,presumably to carve up their cat.
It occurred to me, not for the first time today, thatmany of the citizens of Possiltum don't have both oarsin the water. What anyone could do with half a deadcat, or a whole dead cat for that matter, was beyond me.
Suddenly I was very tired. With an offhanded wave Ibeckoned the herald forward.
"How many more are waiting out there?" I asked.
"That was the last. We deliberately kept the case loadlight today so your Majesty could prepare for tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
The question slipped out reflexively. Actually, Ididn't really care what happened tomorrow. My assignment was done. I had survived the day, and tomorrowwas Rodrick's problem.
"Yes, tomorrow ... when your bride arrives."
Suddenly I was no longer tired. Not a bit. I was wideawake and listening with every pore.
"My bride?" I asked cautiously.
"Surely your Majesty hasn't forgotten. She specifically scheduled her arrival so that she would have a weekto prepare for your wedding."
Case load be hanged. Now I knew why dear Rodrickwanted a vacation. I also knew, with cold certainty, thathe wouldn't be back tonight to relieve me of my duties.Not tonight, and maybe not ever.
"The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a
sorcerer's apprentice."
M. MOUSE
FOR once, I successfully suppressed the urge to panic. Ihad to! Without Aahz around to hold things togetheruntil I calmed down, I couldn't afford hysterics.
Instead, I thought. .. and thought.
I was in a jam, and no matter how I turned it over inmy mind, it was going to take more than just me to getout of it.
I thought of Massha.
Then I thought about suicide.
Then I thought about Massha again.
With firm resolve and weak knees, I made my decision. The question was, how to locate Massha? Theanswer came on the heels of the question. Standing infor the king had been nothing but a pain so far. It wasabout time I started making it work for me for a change.
"Guard!"
A uniformed soldier materialized by the throne withimpressive speed.
"Yes, your Majesty?"
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"Pass the word for General Badaxe. I'd like to seehim."
"Umm . . . begging your Majesty's pardon. He's witha lady just now."
"Good. I mean, bring them both."
"But..."
"Now."
"Yes, your Majesty!"
The guard was gone with the same speed with whichhe had appeared.
I tried not to grin. I had never gotten along particularly well with the military of Possiltum. Of course, thefact that my first exposure to them was when Aahz and Iwere hired to fight their war for them might have something to do with it. Anyway, the thought of some poorhonor guard having to interrupt his general's tete-a-tete was enough to make me smile, the first in severaldays.
Still, sending a guard to fetch the person I wanted tosee was certainly better than chasing them down myself.Perhaps being a king did have its advantages.
Two hours later, I was still waiting. In that time, Ihad more than ample opportunity to reconsider thebenefit of issuing kingly summons. Having sent forBadaxe, I was obligated to wait for him in the throneroom until he appeared.
At one point I considered the horrible possibility thathe had taken Massha riding and that it might be daysbefore they were located. After a little additionalthought, I discarded the idea. There wasn't a steed inthe Kingdom, including Gleep, who could carry Masshamore than a few steps before collapsing.
I was still contemplating the image of Massha, sittingindignant on the ground with horse's legs protruding
33
grotesquely from beneath her rump, when the heraldsprang into action.
"Now comes General Badaxe ... and a friend."
With that, the man stood aside. Actually, he tookseveral sideways steps to stand aside.
I've already described Massha's bulk. Well, HughBadaxe wasn't far behind her. What he lacked in girth,he made up for in muscle. My initial impression of theGeneral remained unchanged; that he had won his rankby taking on the rest of the army . . . and winning. Ofcourse, he was wearing his formal bearskin, the cleanone, which made him appear all the larger. While I hadbeen there when they met, I had never actually seenBadaxe and Massha standing side by side before. Theoverall effect was awe-inspiring. Together, they mighthave been a pageant of a barbarian invasion gone decadent ... if it weren't for the General's axe. His name-sake, a huge, double-bitted hand axe, rode comfortablyin its customary place on the General's right hip, andthe glitter from it wasn't all decorative. Here, at least,was one barbarian who hadn't let decadence go to hissword arm.
"Your Majesty."
Badaxe rumbled his salutation as he dropped to oneknee with an ease that denied his size. One could almostimagine the skull of a fallen enemy crackling sharplybeneath that descending knee. I forced the thought frommy mind.
"Greetings, General. Won't you introduce me toyour . . . companion?"
"I ... certainly, your Majesty. May I present
Massha, Court Magician of Ta-hoe, and friend of bothmyself and Lord Skeeve, Magician to your own courthere at Possiltum."
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"Charmed, your Majesty."
I realized with a start that Massha was about to attempt to imitate Badaxe by dropping to one knee. Evenif she were able to execute such a maneuver, it would require sufficient effort as to invite ridicule from the othercourt retainers present . . . and somehow I didn't wantthat.
"Ah . .. there is no need for that," I asserted hastily."It was not our intention to hold formal court here, butrather an informal social occasion."
That caused a minor stir with the court, including thegeneral who frowned in slight puzzlement. Still, I wasalready committed to a line of conversation, so Iblundered on.
"In fact, that was the only reason for the summons. Iwished to meet the lady dazzling enough to lure ourgeneral from his usual position by my side."
"Your Majesty gave his permission for my absencetoday," the general protested.
"Quite right. As I said, this is a social gathering only.In fact, there are too many people here for casual conversation. It is our wish that the court be adjourned forthe day and the room cleared that I might speak freelywith this visiting dignitary."
Again there was a general ripple of surprise, but aroyal order was a royal order, and the various retainersbowed or curtsied to the throne and began making theirway out.
"You too. General. I would speak with Massha
alone."
Badaxe began to object, but Massha nudged him inthe ribs with an elbow, a blow which would have beensufficient to flatten most men, but was barely enough togain the general's attention. He frowned darkly, thengave a short bow and left with the others.
35
"So, you're a friend of our lord Magician," I askedafter we were finally alone.
"I have that . . . honor, your Majesty," Masshareplied cautiously. "I hope he's... well?"
"As a matter of fact, he's in considerable troubleright now."
Massha heaved a great sigh.
"I was afraid of that. Something to do with his lastassignment?"
I ignored the question.
"General Badaxe seems quite taken with you. Areyou sure you want to stay in the magik biz? Or are yougoing to try your hand at a new lifestyle?"
Massha scowled at me.
"Now how did you hear that? You haven't been tor-turing your own magician, have you?"
I caught the small motion of her adjusting her rings,and decided the time for games was over.
"Hold it, Massha! Before you do anything, there'ssomething I have to show you."
"What's that?"
I had already closed my eyes to remove my disguisespell... faster than I ever had before.
"Me," I said, opening my eyes again.
"Well, I'll be ... you really had me going there, hotstuff."
"It was just a disguise spell," I waved offhandedly.
"Nice. Of course, it almost got you fried. Why didn'tyou let me know it was you?"
"First of all, I wanted to see if my disguise spell wasgood enough to fool someone who was watching for it.This is my first time to try to disguise my voice as well asmy appearance. Secondly . . . well, I was curious if youhad changed your mind about being my apprentice."
"But why couldn't you have just asked me ... I see.
36
You're really in trouble, aren't you? Bad enough thatyou didn't want to drag me into an old promise. That'snice of you, Skeeve. Like I said before, you run a classact."
"Anybody would have done the same thing," I
argued, trying to hide my embarrassment at her praise.
She snorted loudly.
"If you believed that, you wouldn't have survived aslong as you have. Anyway, apprentice or not, a friend isa friend. Now out with it. What's happened?"
Sitting on the steps to the throne, I filled her in aboutthe forthcoming wedding and my suspicions about theking's conveniently scheduled vacation. I tried to soundcasual and matter-of-fact about it, but towards the endmy tone got rather flat.
When I was done, Massha gave a low whistle of sympathy.
"When you big leaguers get in trouble, you don't kidaround, do you? Now that you've filled me in, I'll admitI'm a little surprised you're still here."
I grimaced.
"I'm a little slow from time to time, but you onlyhave to lecture me once. If one day without a king is badfor a kingdom, a permanent disappearance could bedisastrous. Anyway, what I need right now is someoneto track down the real king and get him back here, whileI keep bluffing from the throne."
Massha scowled.
"Well, I've got a little trinket that could track him,if you've got something around that he's worn, thatis...."
"Are you kidding? You think court magicians dressthis way in Possiltum? Everything I'm wearing and twomore closetsful in his quarters belong to the king."
37
". .. But what I can't figure out is why you need me?Where's your usual partner . .. whatsisname .. . Aahz?It seems to me he'd be your first choice for a job likethis. Wherever he is, can't you just pop over to thatdimension and pull him back for a while?"
Lacking any other option, I decided to resort to thetruth, both about Aahz's permanent departure and myown lack of ability to travel the dimensions without a D-Hopper. When I was done, Massha was shaking herhead.
"So you're all alone and stranded here and you werestill going to give me an out instead of pressuring meinto helping? Well, you got my help, mister, and youdon't have to bribe me with an apprenticeship, either.I'll get your king back for you . . . before that wedding.Then we'll talk about apprentices."
I shook my head.
"Right idea, but wrong order. I wasn't going to bribeyou with an apprenticeship, Massha. I told you before Idon't know much magik, but what I know I'll be glad toteach you . .. whether you find the King or not. I'm notsure that's an apprenticeship, but it's yours if you wantit."
She smiled, a smile quite different from her usualvamp act.
"We'll argue about it later. Right now, I've got a kingto find."
"Wait a minute! Before you go, you're pretty goodwith gadgets, right? Well, I've got a D-Hopper in myquarters. I want you to show me two settings: the onefor Deva, and the one for Klah. You see, I'm not all thatnoble. If things get too rough or it takes you longer thana week to find the king, I want a little running room. IfI'm not here when you get back, you can look for your
38
'noble' Skeeve at the Yellow Crescent Inn at the BazaaratDeva."
Massha snorted.
"You're putting yourself down again. Hot Stuff.You're going to try before you run, which is more than Ican say for most in our profession. Besides, whateveryou think your motives are, they're deeper than youthink. You just asked me to show you two settings. Youonly need one to run."
"Good information is hard to get. Doing
anything with it is even harder!"
L. SKYWALKER
I HAD long since decided that the main requirement forRoyalty or its impersonators was an immunity to boredom. Having already chronicled the true tedious natureof performing so-called "duties of state," I can onlyadd that waiting to perform them is even worse.
There was certainly no rush on my part to meet theking's bride-to-be, much less marry her. After word hadcome that her arrival would be delayed by a full day,however, and as the day waxed into late afternoonwaiting for her "early morning" reception, I foundmyself wishing that she would get here so we could meetand get it over with already.
All other royal activity had ground to a halt in an ef-fort to emphasize the importance of Possiltum's greeting their queen-to-be. I hardly thought it was necessary,though, as the citizens decked the street with flowersand lined up three deep in hopes of catching a glimpseof this new celebrity. The wait didn't seem to dampentheir spirits, though the flowers wilted only to be period-ically replaced by eager hands. If nothing else, this
39
40
reception was going to put a serious dent in Possiltum'sflower crop for awhile. Of course, it might also put adent in all our crops, for the streets remained packedwith festive people who showed not the slightest inclina-tion to return to their fields or guild shops when wordwas passed of each new delay.
"Haven't the citizens anything better to do with theirtime than stand around the streets throwing flowersat each other?" I snarled, turning from the window."Somebody should be keeping the kingdom during allthis foolishness."
As usual, J. R. Grimble took it on himself to sootheme.
"Your Majesty is simply nervous about the pendingreception. I trust his wisdom will not allow his edginessto spill over onto his loyal subjects?"
"I was assured when she crossed the border that shewould be here this morning. Morning! Ever see the sunset in the morning before?"
"Undoubtedly she was delayed by the condition ofthe roads," General Badaxe offered. "I have told yourMajesty before that our roads are long overdue forrepair. In their current state, they hinder the passage oftravelers . . . and troops should our fair land comeunder attack."
Grimble bared his teeth.
"And his Majesty has always agreed with me thatrepairing the roads at this time would be far too costly. . . unless the General would be willing to significantlyreduce the size of his army that we might use the savingsfrom wages to pay for the road work?"
The General purpled.
"Reduce the size of the army and you'll soon lose thattreasury that you guard so closely, Grimble."
"Enough, gentlemen," I said, waving them both to
41
silence. "As you've both said, we've discussed this subject many times before."
It had been decided that rather than having the Kingof Possiltum sit and fidget in front of the entire populace, that he should sweat it out in private with his advisors until his bride actually arrived. Royal image andall that. Unfortunately this meant that since morning Ihad been confined in a small room with J. R. Grimbleand Hugh Badaxe for company. Their constant bicker-ing and sniping was sufficient to turn my already dubious mood into something of record foulness.
"Well, while we're waiting, perhaps you can eachbrief me on your opinions of my future bride and herkingdom."
"But your Majesty, we've done that before. Manytimes."
"Well, we'll do it again. You're supposed to be myadvisors, aren't you? So advise me. General Badaxe,why don't you start?"
Badaxe shrugged.
"The situation is essentially unchanged from our lastbriefing. Impasse is a small kingdom; tiny reallylessthan a thousand citizens altogether. They claim the en-tire Impasse mountain range, from which the kingdomgets its name, and which is the bulk of their militarydefense. Their claim stands mostly because the mountains are treacherous and there is little or no reason toventure there. At least ninety-five percent of their population is concentrated along the one valley through themountains. They have no formal military, but rather amilitia, which suffices as there are no less than fivepasses in the main valley where a child with a pile ofrocks could hold off an army . . . and they have plentyof rocks. Their main vulnerability is food. The terrain issuch that they are unable to support even their small
42
population, and as they are still at odds with the kingdom at the other end of the valley who originally ownedit, they are forced to buy all their food from us ... atprices even a generous man would call exorbitant."
"Supply and demand," Grimble said with a toothysmile.
"Wait a minute, General," I interrupted. "If I understand this right. Impasse is not a threat to us militarilybecause of its size. If anything, it guards our flankagainst attack from the pass. Right?"
"Correct."
"Which it is already doing."
"Also correct."
Seeing an opening, I hurried on.
"We can't attack them, but from what you say theydon't have anything we want. So why are we botheringwith this marriage/alliance?"
The General looked pointedly at Grimble.
"Because even though Impasse is people-few andcrop-light, they are sitting on the largest deposit ofprecious metal on the continent," The Chancellor of theExchequer supplied.
"Precious met... oh! You mean gold."
"Precisely. With the alliance, Possiltum will becomethe richest kingdom ever."
"That hardly seems like sufficient reason to get married," I mumbled.
"Your Majesty's opinions on the subject are wellknown to us," Grimble nodded. "You have expressedthem often and long every time the possibility of thismarriage was broached. I am only glad that you finallygave your consent when the citizens of Possiltum threatened to revolt if you didn't accept the betrothal offer."
"That was only after you spread the word that such
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an alliance would significantly lower taxes, Grimble,"Badaxe scowled.
"I said it might lower taxes," the Chancellor corrected innocently. "Can I help it if the common folkjumped to conclusions?"
Now that I had a clearer picture of the situation, Imight have mustered a bit of sympathy for the King'spredicament, if he hadn't stuck me in it in his stead.
"Enough about Impasse. Now give me your opinionsof my bride-to-be."
There was a brief moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Impasse doesn't have a monarchy," Grimble saidcarefully. "That is, until recently. It was more a tribalstate, where the strongest ruled. When the last kingdied, however, his daughter Hemlock somehow managed to take over and maintain the throne, thereby establishing a royal line of sorts. Exactly how she did it isunclear."
"Some say that prior to the king's death she managedto gain the . . . loyalty of all the able-bodied fighters inthe. kingdom, thereby securing her claim from challenge," Badaxe supplied.
I held up a restraining hand.
"Gentlemen, what you're telling me are facts. I askedfor your opinions."
This time, there was a long uncomfortable silence.
"That good, eh?" I grimaced.
"Your Majesty must remember," Grimble protested,"we are being asked to express our hidden feelingsabout a woman who will soon be our Queen."
"Not until the marriage," I growled. "Right now, Iam your king. Get my drift?"
They got it, and swallowed hard.
"The words 'cold-blooded' and 'ruthless' come to
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mind," the general said, "and that's the impression of aman who's made a career of the carnage of war."
"I'm sure the rumors that she murdered her father togain control of the kingdom are exaggerated," Grimble
argued weakly.
"... But your Majesty would be well advised to insiston seperate sleeping quarters, and even then sleep lightly... and armed," the general concluded firmly.
"No difficulty should be encountered with separatequarters," Grimble leered. "It's said Queen Hemlockhas the morals of an alley cat."
"Terrific," I sighed.
The Chancellor favored me with a paternal smile.
"Oh, there's no doubt that the entire kingdom,myself included, admires your Majesty for the sacrificeshe is willing to make for his people."
The trouble was, only / knew who the King was willing to sacrifice!
I studied Grimble's smile through hooded eyes, seeking desperately through my mind for something to disrupt his smug enjoyment of the situation. Suddenly, I
found it.
"I've been meaning to ask, does anyone know thecurrent whereabouts of our Court Magician?"
Grimble's smile disappeared like water on a hot
skillet.
"He's ... gone, your Majesty."
"What? Out on another of his madcap adventures?"
The Chancellor averted his eyes.
"No, I mean, he's . . . gone. Tendered his resignationand left."
"Tendered his resignation to whom?" I pressed. "Onwhose authority has he quit his post during this, mydarkest hour?"
"Ahh ... mine, your Majesty."
"What was that, Grimble? I couldn't quite hearyou."
"Mine. I told him he could go."
Grimble was sweating visibly now, which was fine byme. In fact, an idea was beginning to form in my mind.
"Hmm . . . knowing you, Lord Chancellor, I wouldsuspect money is behind the Great Skeeve's suddendeparture."
"In a way," Grimble evaded, "you might say that."
"Well, it won't do," I said firmly. "I want him back. . . and before this accursed marriage. What's more,since you approved his departure, I'm holding you personally responsible for his return."
"B-ut your Majesty! I wouldn't know where to startlooking. He could be anywhere by now."
"He can't have gone far," Badaxe volunteered casually. "His dragon and unicorn are still in the RoyalStables."
"They are?" the Chancellor blinked.
"Yes," the General smiled, "as you might know ifyou ever set foot outside your counting house."
"See, Grimble," I said. "The task I set before youshould be easy for a man of your resources. Now offwith you. The longer you tarry here, the longer it will bebefore you find our wayward magician."
The Chancellor started to say something, then
shrugged and started for the door.
"Oh, Grimble," I called. "Something you might
keep in mind. I heard a rumor that the Great Skeeve hasrecently been disguising himself as me for an occasionalprank. Like as not the scamp is parading aroundsomewhere with the royal features on his face. That tid-bit alone should help you locate him."
"Thank you, your Majesty," the Chancellor responded glumly, reminded now of the shape-changing
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abilities of his supposed quarry.
I wasn't sure, but I thought General Badaxe was stif-ling a laugh somewhere in the depths of his beard as hisrival trudged out.
"How about you, General? Do you think your mencould assist in passing word of my royal summons to theGreat Skeeve?"
"That won't be necessary, your Majesty."
With sudden seriousness he approached me, laid ahand on my shoulder, and stared into my eyes.
"Lord Magician," he said, "the King would like tosee you."
"There is no counter for a spirited woman
except spirited drink."
R. BUTLER
"YOU'VE known for some time that I'm a fighting man.What you don't seem to realize is what that implies."
We were sitting over wine now, in a much more relaxed conversation than when I had been pretending tobe King Rodrick.
"Fighting men recognize people as much by movement and mannerism as they do by facial feature. It's aprofessional habit. Now, you had the appearance andvoice of the King, but your carriage and gestures werethat of the Great Skeeve. not Rodrick the Fifth."
"But if you knew I was an imposter, why didn't yousay something?"
The General drew himself up stiffly.
"The King had not taken me into his confidence inthis matter, nor had you. I felt it would have been rudeto intrude on your affairs uninvited."
"Weren't you afraid that I might be a part of someplot to murder the King and take his place?"
"Lord Magician, though we met as rivals, prolongedexposure to you has caused my respect for you to grow
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to no small matter. Both in your convincing Big Julieand his army to defect from the Mob and join Possiltumas honest citizens, and in fighting at your side in the BigGame when you risked life and limb to rescue a comradein peril, you have shown ingenuity, courage, and honor.While I may still speak of you from time to time in lessthan glowing terms, my lowest opinion of you does notinclude the possibility of your having a hand in murder-ing your employer."
"Thank you. General."
"... And besides, only a total idiot would want toassume Rodrick's place so soon before his marriage toQueen Hemlock."
I winced.
"So much for your growing respect."
"I said 'ingenuity, courage, and honor.' I made nomention of intelligence. Very well, then, a total idiot orsomeone under orders from his king."
"How about a bit of both?" I sighed.
"I suspected as much." Badaxe nodded. "Now thatwe're speaking candidly, may I ask as to the whereabouts of the King?"
"Good question."
In a few depressing sentences, I brought him up todate on my assignment and Rodrick's disappearance.
"I was afraid something like this would happen," theGeneral said when I concluded. "The King has beenlooking desperately for some way out of this marriage,and it looks like he's found it. Well, needless to say, ifthere's anything I can do to help, just ask."
"Thanks, General. As a matter of fact, I...."
"... As long as it doesn't go against the good of thekingdom," Badaxe amended. "Like helping you toescape. Possiltum needs a king, and for the time being,you're it!"
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"Oh. Well... how about using your men to help findthe king?"
Badaxe shook his head.
"Can't do it. Massha has that assignment. If I sentmy men to back her up, she'd think I didn't have anyfaith in her."
Terrific! I had an ally, if I could get around hisloyalties and amorous entanglements.
The General must have noticed my expression.
"Anything else I'll be willing to do."
"Like what?"
"Well . . . like teaching you to defend yourselfagainst your bride-to-be."
That actually sounded promising.
"Do you think we'll have enough time?"
With that, there was a heavy knocking at the door.
"Your Majesty! The carriage of Queen Hemlock isapproaching the palace!"
"No," said the General, with disheartening honesty.
We barely made it to our appointed places ahead ofthe Queen's procession. The throne of Possiltum hadbeen temporarily moved to a position just inside thedoors to the palace, and only by sprinting through thecorridors with undignified abandon were Badaxe and Iable to reach our respective positions before the portalswere thrown open.
"Remind me to have a word with you about the ef-ficiency of your army's early warning system," I said tothe General as I sank into my seat.
"I believe it was the Court Magician who complainedabout the excessive range of the military spy system,"Badaxe retorted. "Perhaps your Majesty will see fit nowto convince him of the necessity of timely information."
Before I could think of a sufficiently polite response,
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the Queen's party drew to a halt at the foot of the stairs.
The kingdom of Impasse had apparently spared noexpense on the Queen's carriage. If it was not actuallyfashioned of solid gold, there were sufficient quantitiesof the metal in the trim and decorations as to make thedifference academic. I took secret pleasure that Grimblewas not present to gloat at the scene. The curtains weredrawn, allowing us to see the rich embroidery uponthem, but not who or what was within. A team of eightmatched horses completed the rig, though their shaggycoats and short stature suggested that normally themountainfolk put them to far more practical use thandragging royalty around the countryside.
With the carriage, however, any semblance of
decorum about the Queen's procession vanished.
Her escort consisted of at least twenty retainers, allmounted and leading extra horses, though whether thesewere relief mounts or the bride's dowry I couldn't tell.The escort was also all male, and of a uniform appearance; broadshouldered, narrow-waisted, andmusclebound. They reminded me of miniature versionsof the opposing teams Aahz and I had faced during theBig Game, but unlike those players, these men werearmed to the teeth. They fairly bristled with swords andknives, glittering from boot-tops, arm sheaths, andshoulder scabbards, such that I was sure the combinedweight of their weapons offset that of the golden coachthey were guarding. These weren't pretty court decorations, but well handled field weapons worn with the easefighting men accord the tools of their trade.
The men themselves were dressed in drab tunics suitedmore for crawling through thickets with knives clenchedin their teeth than serving as a royal escort. Still, theywrinkled their broad, flat features into wide smiles asthey alternately gawked at the building and waved at the
crowd which seemed determined to unload the earliernoted surplus of flowers by burying the coach withthem. The escort may have seemed sloppy and un-disciplined in the eyes of Badaxe or Big Julie, but Iwouldn't want to be the one to try to take anythingaway from them; Queen, coach, kingdom, or even aflower they had taken a fancy to.
Two men in the procession were notable exceptions tothe rule. Even on horseback they looked to be head andshoulder taller than the others and half again as broad.They had crammed their massive frames into tunicswhich were clean and formal, and appeared to beunarmed. I noted, however, that instead of laughing orwaving, they sat ramrod stiff in their saddles andsurveyed their surroundings with the bored, detachedattention to detail I normally associated with predators . .. big predators.
I was about to call Badaxe's attention to the pairwhen the carriage door opened. The woman who appeared was obviously akin to most of the men in theescort. She had the same broad, solid build and facialfeatures, only more so. My first impression was that shelooked like the bottom two-thirds of an oak door, if thedoor were made of granite. Unsmiling, she swept thearea with a withering stare, then nodded to herself andstepped down.
"Lady in waiting," Badaxe murmured.
I'm not sure if his comment was meant to reassureme, but it did. Only after did it occur to me that theGeneral had volunteered the information to keep mefrom running, which I had been seriously considering.
The next figure in view was a radical departure fromthe other Impassers in the party. She was arrow thin andpale with black stringy black hair that hung straight pasther shoulders. Instead of the now expected round, flat
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face, her features looked like she had been hung up byher nose to dry. She wasn't unpleasant to look at, infact, I guessed that she was younger than I was, but thepointed nose combined with a pair of dark, shiny-alerteyes gave her a vaguely rodent appearance. Her dresswas a long-sleeved white thing that would have probablylooked more fetching on a clothes-hanger. Withoutmore than a glance at the assembled citizens shegathered up what slack there was in the skirt, hoppeddown from the carriage, and started up the stairs towardme with the athletic, leggy grace of a confirmed tom-boy.
"That is Queen Hemlock," the General supplied.
I had somehow suspected as much, but having received confirmation, I sprang into action. This part, atleast, I knew how to handle, having had it drilled intome over and over again by my advisors.
I rose to my feet and stood regally until she reachedthe throne, then timed my bow to coincide with her curtsey ... monarch greeting monarch and all that.
Next, I was supposed to welcome her to Possiltum,but before I could get my mouth open, she came up withher own greeting.
"Sorry I didn't curtsey any lower, but I'm not wearing a thing under this dress. Rod, it's beastly hot here inthe lowlands," she said, giving me a wide but thin-lipped smile.
"Aahh....." I said carefully.
Ignoring my response, or lack thereof, she smiled andwaved at the throng, which responded with a roar of approval.
"What idiot invited the rabble?" she asked, the smilenever leaving her face.
"Aahh.... "I repeated.
General Badaxe came to my rescue.
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"No formal announcement was made, your Majesty,but word of your arrival seems to have leaked out to thegeneral populace. As might be expected, they are veryeager to see their new Queen."
"Looking like this?" she said, baring her teeth andwaving to those on the rooftops. "Six days on the roadin this heat without a bath or a change of clothes and instead of a discreet welcome, half the kingdom gets to seeme looking like I was dragged along behind the coachinstead of riding in it. Well, it's done and we can'tchange it. But mind you, if it happens again ... GeneralBadaxe, is it? I thought so. Anyway, as I was saying, ifit happens again, heads will roll. . . and I'm not speaking figuratively."
"Welcome to Possiltum," I managed at last.
It was a considerably abbreviated version of thespeech I had planned to give, but it was as much as Icould remember under the circumstances.
"Hello, Roddie," she said without looking at me, stillwaving at the crowd. "I'm going to scamper off for myquarters in a second. Be a love and try not to get under-foot during the next week . . . there's so much to do.Besides, it looks like you're going to have your handsfull with other business."
"How's that?"
"You've got a wee bit of trouble coming your way, atleast, according to the gentleman I met on the road.Here he comes now. Bye."
"But..."
Queen Hemlock had already disappeared, vanishinginto the depths of the palace like a puff of smoke. Instead, I found myself focusing on the man who hadstepped from the carriage and was currently trudging upthe stairs toward my throne. I observed that he had thesame weasel features and manners of J. R. Grimble.
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Mostly, though, I noticed that the two broadshoulderedpredators previously assumed to be part of the Queen'sescort, had suddenly materalized at his side, toweringover him like a pair of bookends . . . mean lookingbookends.
I sat down, in part because the approaching figure didnot seem to be royalty, but mostly because I had a feeling I wanted to be sitting down for this next interview.
The man reached my throne at last, drew himself up,and gave a curt nod rather than a bow. This, at least,looked polite, since his flankers didn't acknowledge mypresence at all.
"Forgive me for intruding on such a festive occasion,your Majesty," the man said, "but there are certainmatters we need to discuss."
"Such as...?"
"My name is Shaister, and I represent a ... con-sortium of businessmen. I wish to confer with one ofyour retainers concerning certain employees of ourswho failed to report in after pursuing our interests inthis region."
As I mentioned earlier, I was getting pretty good atspeaking "bureaucrat." This man's oration, however,lost me completely.
"You want to what about who?"
The man sighed and hung his head for a moment.
"Let me put it to you this way," he said at last. "I'mwith the Mob, and I want to see your Magician, Skeeve.It's about our army, Big Julie's boys, that sort of disappeared after tangling with him. Now do you understand
7"
me7
"Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you!"
Y. ARAFAT
WITHIN a few days of Queen Hemlock's arrival, thepalace of Possiltum had the happy, relaxed air of a bat-tlefield the night before the battle. The Queen's partyand the mob representatives were housed in the palaceas "royal guests," giving me a two-front war whether Iwanted it or not.
Queen Hemlock was not an immediate problem; shewas more like a time bomb. With specific orders to"stay out of her way," I didn't have to deal with hermuch, and even General Badaxe admitted that if shewere going to try to kill me, it wouldn't be until after thewedding when she was officially Queen of Possiltum.Still, as the wedding day loomed closer, I was increas-ingly aware that she would have to be dealt with.
The Mob representatives, however, were an immediate problem. I had stalled them temporarily by telling them that the Court Magician was not currently inthe palace, but had been sent for, and as a token ofgood faith had given them the hospitality of the palace.They didn't drink much, and never pestered me with
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questions about "Skeeve's" return. There was no doubtin my mind, however, that at some time their patiencewould be exhausted and they would start looking for theCourt Magician themselves. I also had a felling that"some time" would be real soon.
Needing all the help I could get, I had Badaxe sendone of his men for Big Julie. With minimal difficultywesmuggled him into the palace, and the three of us helda war council. On Badaxe's advice, I immediatelydropped my disguise and brought our guest up to dateon the situation.
"Ah'm sorry," Julie said to open the meeting, "but Idon't see where I can help you, know what I mean?"
Terrific. So much for Big Julie's expert military ad-vice.
"I'd like to help," he clarified. "You've done prettygood by me and the boys. But I used to work for theMob, you know? I know what they're like. Once theyget on your trail, they never quit. I tried to tell you thatbefore."
"I don't see what the problem is," General Badaxerumbled. "There are only three of them, and their mainspokesman's a non-combatant to boot. It wouldn't takemuch to make sure they didn't report anything to anybody .. . ever again."
Big Julie shook his head.
"You're a good man, Hugh, but you don't know
what you're dealing with here. If the Mob's scoutingparty disappears, the Big Boys will know they've hitpaydirt and set things in motion. Taking out their repswon't stop the Mob ... it won't even delay them. Ifanything, it will speed the process up!"
Before Badaxe had a chance to reply, I interruptedwith a few questions of my own.
"Wait a minute. Big Julie. When we first met, you
T
57
were commanding the biggest army this world had everseen. Right?"
"That's right," he nodded. "We was rolling alongpretty good until we met you."
". . . And we didn't stop you militarily. We just gaveyou a chance to disappear as soldiers and retire ascitizens of Possiltum. You and your boys were neverbeaten in a fight."
"We were the best," Big Julie confirmed proudly."Anybody messed with us, they pulled back a bloodystump with no body attached, know what I mean?"
"Then why are you all so afraid of the Mob? If theytry anything, why don't you and your boys just hook upwith General Badaxe's army and teach 'em a lesson inmaneuvers?"
The ex-commander heaved a deep sigh.
"It don't work that way," he said. "If they was tomarch in here like an army, sure, we could send 'empacking. But they won't. They move in a few muscle-men at a time, all acting just as polite as you please sothere's nothing you can arrest 'em for. When enough of'em get here, though, they start leaning on your citizens.Little stuff, but nasty. If somebody complains to you,that somebody turns up dead along with most of theirfamily. Pretty soon, all your citizens are more afraid ofthe Mob than they are of you. Nobody complains,nobody testifies in court. When that happens, you gotno more kingdom. The Mob runs everything while youstarve. You can't fight an invasion like that with anarmy. You can't fight it at all!"
We all sat in uncomfortable silence for a while, eachavoiding the other's gaze while we racked our brains fora solution.
"What I don't understand," Badaxe said at last,"is if the system you describe is so effective and so un---
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stoppable, why did they bother having an army at all?"
"I really hate to admit this," Big Julie grimaced,"but we was an experiment. Some of the Mob's bean-counters got it into their heads that even though anarmy was more expensive, the time savings of a fasttakeover would offset the additional cost. To tell youthe truth, I think their experiment was a washout."That one threw me.
"You mean to say your army wasn't effective?"
"Up to a point we were. After that, we were too big.It costs a lot to keep an army in the field, and toward theend there, it was costing more to support my boys for aweek than we were getting out of the kingdoms we wereconquering. I think they were getting ready to phase usout . . . and that's why it's taken so long for them tocome looking for their army.''
I shook my head quickly.
"You lost me on that last loop. Big Julie. Why did
they delay their search?"
"Money," he said firmly. "I'll tell you, nothingmakes the Big Boys sit up and take notice like hard cash.I mean, they wrote the book when it came to money
motivation."
"Sounds like Grimble," Badaxe muttered. "Doesn'tanybody do anything for plain old revenge anymore?"
"Stow it, General," I ordered, leaning forward."Keep going. Big Julie. What part does money have in
this?"
"Well, the way I see it, the Mob was already losing
money on my army, you know? To me, that means theyweren't about to throw good gold after bad. I mean, .why spend more money looking for an army that, whenyou find it, is only going to cost you more money?"
"But they're here now."
"Right. At the same time Possiltum's about to
become suddenly rich. It looks to me like the Big Boyshave found a way to settle a few old scores and turn aprofit at the same time."
"The wedding!" I said. "I should have known. Thatmeans that by calling off the wedding, I can eliminatetwo problems at once; Queen Hemlock, and the Mob!"
Badaxe scowled at me.
"I thought we had already discarded that option. Remember Grimble and the citizenry of Possiltum?"
Without thinking, I slammed the flat of my handdown on the table with a loud slap.
"Will you forget about Grimble and the citizenry ofPossiltum? I'm tired of being in a box, General, and oneway or another I'm going to blast a way out!"
From the expressions of my advisors, I realized Imight have spoken louder than I had intended. With aconscious effort, I modulated my tone and my mood.
"Look, General . . . Hugh," I said carefully. "Youmay be used to the pressures of command, but this isnew to me. I'm a magician, remember? Forgive me if Iget a little razzled trying to find a solution to the problem that your ... I mean, our King has dropped in mylap. Okay?"
He nodded curtly, but still didn't relax.
"Now, your point has merit," I continued, "but itoverlooks a few things. First, Grimble isn't here. Whenand ;/ he does get back, he'll have the king in tow, andfriend Rodrick can solve the problem for us... at leastthe problem with the Queen. As for the citizenry ofPossiltum . . . between you and me I'm almost ready toface their protests rather than have to deal with QueenHemlock. Now if you weigh the disappointment of ourpeople over having to continue the status quo againsthaving both the Queen and the Mob move in on a permanent basis, what result do you get? Thinking of the
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welfare of the kingdom, of course!"
The General thought it over, then heaved a great sigh.
"I was never that much in favor of the wedding,anyway," he admitted.
"Just a minute, boys," Big Julie said, holding up aweary hand. "It's not quite that easy. The money thingmay have slowed up their search a bit, but now that theMob is here, there are a couple other matters they'regonna want to settle."
"Such as?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"Well, first off, there's me and my boys. Nobody justwalks away from the Mob, you know. Their pay scale isgreat, but their retirement plan stinks."
"I thought you said they didn't want their armyanymore," Badaxe grumbled.
"Maybe not as an army, but they can always usemanpower. They'll probably break us up and absorb usinto various positions in the organization."
"Would you be willing to go back to work for
them?."
Big Julie rubbed his chin with one hand as he considered the General's question.
"I'd have to talk to the boys," he said. "Like I said,this kingdom's been pretty good to us. I'd hate to seeanything happen to it because we were here . . . especially if we'd end up working for them again anyway."
"No, "I said flatly.
"But..."
"I said 'No!' You've got a deal with Possiltum, BigJulie. More important, you've got a deal with me. Wedon't turn you over to the Mob until we've triedeverything we can do to defend you."
"And how do you propose to defend them from theMob?" Badaxe asked, sarcastically.
"I don't know. I'm working on it. Maybe we can buy
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them off. Offer them Queen Hemlock to hold for ran-som or something."
"Lord Magician!"
"Okay, okay. I said I was still working on it, didn't I?What's next. Big Julie? You said there were a couplethings they wanted besides money."
"You," he said bluntly. "The Mob isn't going to behappy until they get the Great Skeeve, Court Magicianof Possiltum."
"Me?" I said in a small voice.
"The Mob didn't get to the top by ignoring the com-petition. You've made some pretty big ripples with yourwork, and the biggest as far as they're concerned ismaking their army disappear. They know you're big.Big enough to be a threat. They're gonna want youneutralized. My guess is that they'll try to hire you, andfailing that, try for some sort of non-aggression deal."
"And failing that. . . ?" Badaxe asked, echoing mythoughts.
Big Julie shrugged.
"Failing that, they're gonna do their best to killyou."
"/ don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty."
P. IN BOOTS
"BUT why do / have to come along?" Badaxe protested,pacing along at my side as we strode towards theQueen's chambers.
"Call it moral support," I growled. "Besides, I wanta witness that I went into the Queen's chambers ... andcame out again, if you get my drift."
"But if this will only solve one of our problems...."
"... Then it will be one less problem for us to dealwith. Shh! Here we are."
I had switched back to my Rodrick disguise. Thatcombined with the General's presence was enough tohave the Honor Guards at the Queen's chambers snapto rigid attention at our approach. I ignored them andhammered on the door, though I did have a moment toreflect that not long ago, I thought the biggest problemfacing a king was boredom!
"For cryin' out loud!" came a shrill voice fromwithin. "Can't you guards get anything right? I told youI didn't want to be disturbed!"
One of the guards rolled his eyes in exasperation. I
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favored him with a sympathetic smile, then raised aneyebrow at Badaxe.
"King Rodrick the Fifth of Possiltum seeks an audience with Queen Hemlock!" he bellowed.
"I suppose it's all right," came the reply. "Howabout first thing in the morning?"
"Now," I said.
I didn't say it very loud, but it must have carried.Within a few heartbeats the door flew open, exposingQueen Hemlock . . . literally. I can't describe herclothing because she wasn't wearing any. Not a stitch!
"Roddie!" she chirped, oblivious to the guards andBadaxe, all of whom gaped at her nakedness. "Come onin. What in the world are you doing here?"
"Wait for me," I instructed Badaxe in my most commanding tone.
"C-certainly, your Majesty!" he responded, tearinghis eyes away from the Queen long enough to snap to attention.
With that, I stepped into the Queen's lair.
"So, what have you got for me?" She shut the doorand leaned back against it. The action made her point atme, even though her hands were behind her back.
"I beg your pardon?"
"The audience," she clarified. "You wanted it, yougot it. What's up?"
Somehow under the circumstances, I found that to beanother embarrassing question.
"I ... urn ... that is ... could you please putsomething on? I'm finding your attire, or lack thereof,to be quite distracting."
"Oh, very well. It is beastly hot in here, though."
She flounced across the room and came up with aflimsy something which she shrugged into, but didn'tclose completely.
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"Right after the wedding," she declared, "I wantthat window enlarged, or better yet, the whole wall tornout. Anything to get a little ventilation in this place."
She plopped down in a chair and curled her legs upunder her. It eased my discomfort somewhat, but notmuch.
"Ahh ... actually, that's what I'm here to talk to youabout."
"The window?" she frowned.
"No. The wedding."
That made her frown even more.
"I thought it was agreed that I would handle all thewedding arrangements. Oh, well, if you've got anyspecific changes, it isn't too late to...."
"It isn't that," I interrupted hastily. "It's . . . well,it's come to my attention that the high prices Possiltumis charging your kingdom for food is forcing you intothis marriage. Not wishing to have you enter into such abond under duress, I've decided to cut our prices inhalf, thereby negating the need for our wedding."
"Oh, Roddie, don't be silly. That's not the reasonI'm marrying you!"
Rather than being upset, the Queen seemed quiteamused at my suggestion.
"It isn't?"
"Of course not. Impasse is so rich that we could buyyour yearly crop at double the prices if we wanted toand still not put a dent in our treasury."
My stomach began to sink.
"Then you really want this marriage? You aren'tbeing forced into it for political reasons?"
The Queen flashed all her teeth at me in a quick smile.
"Of course there are political reasons. I mean, we areroyalty, aren't we? I'm sure you're a pleasant enoughfellow, but I can get all the pleasant fellows I want with---
66
out marrying them. Royalty marries power blocks, notpeople."
There was a glimmer of hope in what she was saying,and I pounced on it with all fours.
"... Which brings us to the other reason we shouldcall off the wedding," I said grandly.
The Queen's smile disappeared.
"What's that?" she said sharply.
For my reply, I let drop my disguise spell.
"Because I'm not Royalty. I'm people."
"Oh, that," the Queen shrugged. "No problem. Iknew that all along."
"You did?" I gulped.
"Sure. You were embarrassed ... twice. Once when Iarrived at the palace, and again just now when I openedthe door in my all-together. Royalty doesn't embarrass.It's in the blood. I knew all long you weren't Rodrick.It's my guess you're the Great Skeeve, Court Magician.Right? The one who can shape change?"
"Well, it's a disguise spell, not shape changing, butexcept for that, you're right."
Between Badaxe and Queen Hemlock, I was startingto wonder if anyone was really fooled by my disguisespells.
The Queen uncoiled from her seat and began pacingback and forth as she spoke, oblivious to her nakednesswhich peeked out of her wrap at each turn.
"The fact that you aren't the king doesn't change mysituation, if anything it improves it. As long as you cankeep your disguise up enough to fool the rabble, I'll bemarrying two power blocks instead of one."
"Two power blocks," I echoed hollowly.
"Yes. As the 'king' of Possiltum, you control the firstblock I was after: land and people. Impasse by itselfisn't large enough to wage an aggressive war, but unit---
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ing the respective powers of the two kingdoms, we'reunstoppable. With your armies backed by my capital, Ican sweep as far as I want, which is pretty far, let me tellyou. There's nothing like growing up in a valley wherethe only view is the other side of the valley to whet one'sappetite for new and unusual places."
"Most people content themselves with touring," Isuggested. "You don't have to conquer a country to seeit."
"Cute," Queen Hemlock sneered. "Naive, but cute.Let's just say I'm not most people and let it ride, okay?Now then, for the second power base, there's you andyour magic. That's a bonus I hadn't expected, but I'msure that, given a day or two, I can expand my plans totake advantage of it."
At one time, I thought I had been scared by Massha.In hindsight, Massha caused me only faint discomfort.Talking with Queen Hemlock, I learned what fear wasall about! She wasn't just a murderess, as Badaxesuspected. She was utter mayhem waiting to be loosedon the world. The only thing between her and theresources necessary to act out her dreams was me. Me,and maybe....
"What about King Rodrick?" I blurted out. "If heshows up, the original wedding plans go into effect."
"You mean he's still alive?" she exclaimed, arching athin eyebrow at me. "I've overestimated you, Skeeve.Alive he could be a problem. No matter. I'll alert myescort to kill him on sight if he appears before the wedding. After we're married, it would be a simple matterto declare him an imposter and have him officiallyexecuted."
Terrific. Thanks to my big mouth, Massha would bewalking into a trap if she tried to return the King to thecastle. If Queen Hemlock's men saw him, then ...
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"Wait a minute!" I exclaimed. "If I'm walking
around disguised as the King, what's to keep your menfrom offing me by mistake?''
"Hmm. Good thing you thought about that. Okay!Here's what we'll do."
She dove into her wardrobe and emerged with a
length of purple ribbon.
"Wear this in full view whenever you're outside yourchambers," she instructed, thrusting it into my hands."It'll let my men know that you're the man I want tomarry instead of their target."
I stood with the ribbon in my hand.
"Aren't you making a rather large assumption, yourMajesty?"
"What's that?" she frowned.
"That I may not want to marry you?"
"Of course you do," she smiled. "You've already gotthe throne of Possiltum. If you marry me, you not onlyhave access to my treasury, it also rids you of your otherproblem."
"My other problem?"
"The Mob, silly. Remember? I rode in with theirrepresentative. With my money, you can buy them off.They'll forget anything if the price is high enough. Now,isn't being my husband better than running from theirvengeance and mine for the rest of your life?"
I had my answer to that, but in a flash of wisdom keptit to myself. Instead, I said my goodbyes and left.
"From your expression, I take it that your interviewwith the Queen was less than a roaring success," Badaxesaid dryly.
"Spare me the 'I told you so's,' General," I snarled."We've got work to do."
Shooting a quick glance up and down the corridor, Icut my purple ribbon in half on the edge of his axe.
"Keep a lookout for Massha and the King," I instructed. "If you see them, be sure Rodrick wears this.It'll make his trip through the palace a lot easier."
"But where are you going?"
I gave him a tight smile.
"To see the Mob representatives. Queen Hemlock hasgraciously told me how to deal with them!"
"Superior ftrepower is an invaluable tool
when entering into negotiations."
G. PATTON
THE Mob representatives had been housed in one of theless frequented corners of the palace. In theory, thiskept them far from the hub of activity while Badaxe andI figured out what to do with them. In fact, it meantthat now that I was ready to face them, I had an awfullylong walk to reach my destination.
By the time I reached the proper door, I was sowinded I wasn't sure I'd have enough breath to announce my presence. Still, on my walk I had worked upa bit of a mad against the Mob. I mean, who did theythink they were, popping up and disrupting my life thisway? Besides, I was too unnerved by Queen Hemlock totry anything against her, which left the Mob as the onlytarget for my frustration.
With that in mind, I drew a deep breath and knockedon the door.
I needn't have worried about announcing myself.Between the second and third knocks, the door opened acrack. My third knock hit the door before I could stopit, but the door remained unmoved by the impact.
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"Hey, Shaister! It's the King!"
"Well, let him in, you idiot!"
The door opened wide, revealing one of Shaister'smassive bodyguards, then a little wider to allow me
entry space past him.
"Come in, come in. your Majesty," the Mob's
spokesman said, hurrying forward to greet me. "Have adrink . .. Dummy! Get the King something to drink!"
This last was addressed to the second hulking muscleman who heaved himself off the bed he had beensprawled upon. With self-conscious dignity he pickedup the end of the bed one-handed, set it down again,then picked up the mattress and extracted a small, flat
bottle from under it.
I wondered briefly if this was what Big Julie meant
when he referred to the Mob tradition of "going to themattresses." Somehow the phrase had always broughtanother image to mind ... something involving women.Accepting the flask from his bodyguard, Shai-steropened the top and offered it to me, smiling all the
while.
"Am I correct in assuming that your Majesty's visit
indicates news of the whereabouts of his court magician? Perhaps even an estimated time as to when he is
expected back?"
I accepted the flask, covertly checking the locations
of the bodyguards before I answered. One was leaningagainst the door, while the other stood by the bed."Actually, I can do better than that. The Great
Skeeve..."
I closed my eyes and dropped my disguise spell.
"...is here."
The bodyguards started visibly at my transformation,
but Shaister remained unmoved except for a narrowingof the eyes and a tightening of his smile.
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"I see. That simplifies things a bit. Boys, give theGreat Skeeve here a chair. We have some business todiscuss."
His tone was not pleasant, nor were the bodyguardssmiling as they started for me.
Remember how Rupert jumped me so easily? Well, hetook me by surprise, and had three hundred years plusof magical practice to boot. Somehow, I was not particularly surprised by the bodyguards' action ... in fact,I had been expecting it and had been gathering mypowers for just this moment.
With a theatric wave of my hand and a much moreimportant focusing of my mental energies, I picked thetwo men up and spun them in midair. Heck, I wasn'tadverse to stealing a new idea for how to use levitation. . . even from Rupert. I did like a little originality in mywork, though, so instead of bouncing them on theirheads, I slammed them against the ceiling and held thempinned there.
"No, thanks," I said as casually as I could, "I'drather stand."
Shaister looked at his helpless protectors, then shot ahard stare at me.
"Perhaps this won't be as simple as I thought," headmitted. "Say, you've got a unicorn, don't you?"
"That's right," I confirmed, surprised by the suddenchange in topic.
"I don't suppose you'd be particularly scared if youwoke up in the morning and found him in your bed . . .not all of him, just his head?"
"Scared? No, not particularly. In fact, I'm prettysure I'd be mad enough to quit playing games and getdown to serious revenge."
The Mob spokesman sighed heavily.
"Well, that's that. If we can't make a deal, we'll just
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have to do this the hard way. You can let the boys downnow. We'll be heading back in the morning."
This time, it was my turn to smile.
"Not so fast. Who said I didn't want to make a
deal?"
For the first time since I met him, Shaister's poise
was shaken.
"But... I thought... if you can ..."
"Don't assume, Shaister. It's a bad habit for businessmen to get into. I just don't like to get pushedaround, that's all. Now then, as you said earlier, Ibelieve we have some business to discuss."
The spokesman shot a nervous glance at the ceiling.
"Um . . . could you let the boys down first? It's a bitdistracting."
"Sure."
I closed my eyes and released the spell. Mind you,unlike the disguise spell, I don't have to close my eyes toremove a levitation spell. I just didn't want to see theresults. .
The room shook as two loud crashes echoed eachother. I distinctly heard the bed assume a foolproofdisguise as kindling.
I carefully opened an eye.
One bodyguard was unconscious. The other rolledabout, groaning weakly.
"They're down," I said, needlessly.
Shaister ignored me.
"Big bad bodyguards! Wait'11 the Big Boys hear howgood dumb muscle is against magik!"
He paused to kick the groaner in the side.
"Groan quieter! Mister Skeeve and I have some talking to do."
Having already completed one adventure after an---
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tagonizing the military arm of a large organization, Iwas not overly eager to add another entire group ofplug-uglies to my growing list of enemies.
"Nothing personal," I called to the bodyguard whowas still conscious. "Here! Have a drink."
I levitated the flask over to him, and he caught it witha weak moan I chose to interpret as "thanks."
"You said something about a deal?" Shaister said,turning to me again.
"Right. Now, if my appraisal of the situation is correct, the Mob wants three things: Big Julie's army back,me dead or working for them, and a crack at the newmoney coming into Possiltum after the wedding."
The Mob spokesman cocked his head to one side.
"That's a bit more blunt than I would have put it, butyou appear to have captured the essential spirit of myclients' wishes. My compliments on your concise summation."
"Here's another concise summation to go with it.Hands off Big Julie and his crew; he's under my protection. By the same token, Possiltum is my territory. Stayaway from it or it will cost you more than you'll get. Asto my services, I have no wish to become a Mobemployee. I would consider an occasional assignment asan outside contractor for a specific fee, but full-timeemployment is out.''
The Mob spokesman was back in his element, facestony and impassive.
"That doesn't sound like much of a deal."
"It doesn't?"
I reviewed the terms quickly in my mind.
"Oh! Excuse me. There is one other important partof my offer I neglected to mention. I don't expect youremployers to give up their objectives without any return
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at all. What I have in mind is a swap: an army andmaybe a kingdom for an opportunity to exploit an en-tire world."
Shaister raised his eyebrows.
"You're going to give us the world? Just like that?Lord Magician, I suspect you're not bargaining with afull deck.'\*
"I didn't say I would give you the world, I said Iwould give you access to a world. Brand new territoryfull of businesses and people to exploit; one of therichest in the universe."
The spokesman frowned.
"Another world? And I'm supposed to take your
word as to how rich it is and that you can give us ac-cess?"
"It would be nice, but even in my most naive mo-ments I wouldn't expect you to accept a blind bid likethat. No, I'm ready to give you a brief tour of the proposed world so that you can judge for yourself."
"Wait-a minute," Shaister said, holding up hishands. "This is so far beyond my negotiating para-meters that-even if I liked what I saw, I couldn't approve the deal. I need to bring one of the Big Boys in onthis decision."
This was better than I had hoped. By the time hecould bring one of the Mob's hierarchy to Possiltum, Icould deal with some of my other problems.
"Fine. Go and fetch him. I'll hold the deal until yourreturn."
The spokesman gave one of his tight-lipped smiles.
"No need to wait," he said. "My immediate superioris on call specifically for emergencies such as this."
Before I could frame a reply, he opened the front ofhis belt-buckle and began rubbing it, all the whilemumbling under his breath.
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There was a quick flash of light, and an old, hairy-jowled man appeared in the room. Looking round, hespied the two bodyguards sprawled on the floor andgripped the sides of his face with his open hands in anexaggerated expression of horror.
"Mercy!" he wheezed in a voice so hoarse I couldbarely understand him. "Shaister, you bad boy. Ifthere was trouble, you should have called me sooner.Oh, those poor, poor boys."
The Mob spokesman's face was once again blank andimpassive as he addressed me.
"Skeeve, Lord Magician of Possiltum, let me introduce Don Bruce, the Mob's fairy godfather."
Te// you what. Let me sweeten the deal a
bit for you...."
BEELZEBUB
"OH! This is simply war-velous! Who would have everthought... another dimension, you say?"
"That's right," I said offhandedly. "It's calledDeva."
Of course, I was quite in agreement with Don Bruce.The Bazaar on Deva was really something, and everytime I visited it, I was impressed anew. It was an incredible tangle of tents and displays stretching as far as theeye could see in every direction, crammed full of enoughmagikal devices and beings to defy anyone's imagina-tion and sanity. It was the main crossroads of trade forthe dimensions. Anything worth trading money orcredits for was here.
This time, however, I was the senior member of theexpedition. As much as I wanted to rubberneck and ex-plore, it was more important to pretend to be bored andworldly... or other-worldly as the case might be.
Don Bruce led the parade, as wide-eyed as a farm-kidin his first big city, with Shaister, myself, and the two
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bodyguards trailing along behind. The bodyguardsseemed more interested in crowding close to me than inprotecting their superiors, but then again, they had justhad some bad experiences with magik.
"The people here all look kinda strange," one ofthem muttered to me. "You know, like foreigners."
"They are foreigners ... or rather you are," I said."You're on their turf, and a long way from home.These are Deveels."
"Devils?" the man responded, looking a little wild-eyed. "You're tellin' me we're surrounded by devils?"
While it was reassuring to me to see the Mob's bully-boys terrified by something I had grown used to, it alsooccurred to me that if they were too scared, it might ruinthe deal I was trying to set up.
"Look ... say, what is your name, anyway?"
"Guido," the man confided, "and this here's mycousin Nunzio."
"Well look, Guido. Don't be thrown by these jokers.Look at them. They're storekeepers like storekeepersanywhere. Just because they look funny doesn't meanthey don't scare like anybody else."
"I suppose you're right. Say, I meant to thank youfor the drink back there at the castle."
"Don't mention it," I waved. "It was the least Icould do after bouncing you off the ceiling. Incidentally, there was nothing personal in that. I wasn't tryingto make you two look bad, I was trying to make myselflook good ... if you see the difference."
Guide's brow furrowed slightly.
"I ... think so. Yeah! I get it. Well, it worked. Youlooked real good. I wouldn't want to cross you, andneither would Nunzio. In fact, if we can ever do you afavor . . . you know, bend someone a little for you . . .well, just let us know."
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"Hey, what's that?"
I looked in the direction Don Bruce was pointing. Abooth was filled with short painted sticks, all floating inmidair.
"I think he's selling magic wands," I guessed."Oh! I want one. Now, don't go anywhere withoutme."
The bodyguards hesitated for a moment, then followed as Don Bruce plunged into negotiations with thebooth's proprietor, who gaped a bit at his new customer.
"Does he always dress like that?" I asked Shaister.
"You know, all in light purple?"
The Mob spokesman raised an eyebrow at me.
"Do you always dress in green when you travel to
other dimensions?"
Just to be on the safe side, I had donned anotherdisguise before accompanying this crew to Deva. It occurred to me that if I were successful in my negotiations,it wouldn't be wise to be known at the Bazaar as the onewho introduced organized crime to the dimension.
Unfortunately, this had dawned on me just as wewere preparing to make our departure, so I hadn't hadmuch time to choose someone to disguise myself as.Any of my friends were out, as were Massha, Quigley,Garkin ... in desperation I settled on Rupert ... Imean, there was one being I owed a bad turn or two.Consequently, I was currently parading around theBazaar as a scaly green Pervert... excuse me, Pervect.
"I have my reasons," I dodged loftily.
"Well, so has Don Bruce," Shaister scowled. "Nowif you don't mind, I've got a few questions about thisplace. If we try to move in here, won't language be aproblem? I can't understand anything these freaks aresaying."
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"Take a look," I instructed, pointing.
Don Bruce and the Deveel proprietor were hagglingearnestly, obviously having no difficulty understandingeach other, however much they disagreed.
"No Deveel worth his salt is going to let a little thinglike language stand in the way of a sale."
"Hey, everybody! Look what I got!"
We turned to find Don Bruce bearing down on us,proudly waving a small rod the same color as hisclothes.
"It's a magic wand!" he exclaimed. "I got it for asong."
"A song plus some gold, I'd wager," Shaister observed dryly. "What does it do?"
"What does it do?" Don Bruce grinned. "Watch
this."
He swept the wand across the air with a grand
gesture, and a cloud of shiny dust sparkled to theground.
"That's it?" Shaister grimaced.
Don Bruce frowned at the wand.
"That's funny. When the guy back there did it, he gota rainbow."
He pointed the wand at the ground and shook it...and three blades materialized out of thin air, lancinginto the dust at our feet.
"Careful!" Shaister warned, hopping back out ofrange. "You'd better read the instructions on thatthing."
"I don't need instructions," Don Bruce insisted."I'm a fairy godfather. I know what I'm doing."
As he spoke, he gestured emphatically with the wand,and a jet of flame narrowly missed one of the bodyguards.
"... But this can wait," Don Bruce concluded, tuck---
Hrr OR MYTH
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ing the wand into his waistband. "We've got business todiscuss."
"Yes. We were just..." Shaister began.
"Shuddup! I'm talking to Skeeve here."
The force behind Don Bruce's sudden admonish---
ment, combined with the Shaister's quick obedience,made me hastily revise my opinion of the Mob leader.Strange or not, he was a force to be recognized.
"Now then, Mister Skeeve, what's the police situation around here?"
"There aren't any."
Shaister's eyebrows shot up.
"Then how do they enforce the laws?" he asked,forgetting himself.
"As far as I can tell, there are no laws either.""How 'bout that, Shaister?" Don Bruce laughed.
"No police, no laws, no lawyers. You'd be in trouble if
you were born here.''
I started to ask what a lawyer was, but the godfathersaved me from my own ignorance by plunging into thenext question.
"How about politicians?"
"None."
"Unions?"
"None."
"Bookies?"
"Lots," I admitted. "This is the gambling capital ofthe dimensions. As near as I can tell, though, they alloperate independently. There's no central organization."
Don Bruce rubbed his hands together gleefully."You listening to this, Shaister? This is some worldMister Skeeve is givin' us here."
"He's not giving it to us," Shaister corrected. "He'soffering access to it."
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"That's right," I said quickly. "Exploiting it is up toyour organization. Now, if you don't think your boys
can handle it. ..."
"We can handle it. A layout like this? It's a piece of
cake."
Guido and Nunzio exchanged nervous glances, but
held their silence as Don Bruce continued.
"Now if I understand this right, what you want inreturn for letting us into this territory is that we lay offBig June and Possiltum. Right?"
I count real good up to three.
"And me," I added. "No 'getting even with the guywho thrashed our army plans,' no 'join the Mob or die'pressure. I'm an independent operator and happy to
stay that way."
"Sure, sure," Don Bruce waved. "Now that we've
seen how you operate, no reason we can't eat out of thesame bowl. If anything, we owe you a favor for openingup a new area to our organization."
Somehow, that worried me.
"Dm . . . tell you what. I don't want any credit forthis . . . inside the Mob or outside. Right now, nobodybut us knows I had a hand in this. Let's keep it that way,
okay?"
"If that's what you want," Don Bruce shrugged.
"I'll just tell the Big Boys you're too rough for us totangle with, and that's why we're going to leave youalone. Anytime our paths cross, we go ahead with yourapproval or we back off. Okay?"
"That's what I want."
"Deal?"
"Deal."
We shook hands ceremoniously.
"Very well," I said. "Here's what you need to travelbetween here and home."
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I fished the D-Hopper out of my sleeve.
"This setting is for home. This one is for here. Pushthis button to travel."
"What about the other settings?" Shaister asked.
"Remember the magic wand?" I countered. "Without instructions, you could get lost with this thing. Imean, really \ost."
"Come on, boys," Don Bruce said, setting the
D-Hopper. "We gotta hurry home. There's a worldhere to conquer, so we gotta get started before somebody else beats us to it. Mister Skeeve, a pleasure doin'business with you."
A second later, they were gone.
I should have been elated, having finally eliminatedone set of problems from my horizon. I wasn't.
Don Bruce's last comment about world conqueringreminded me of Queen Hemlock's plans. Now that theMob was neutralized, I had other problems to solve. Assoon as I got back to the palace, I would have to ...
Then it hit me.
The Mob representatives had taken the D-Hopperwith them when they left. That thing was my only routeback to Klah! I was stranded at the Bazaar with no wayback to my own dimension!
Tm mafcing this up as I go along!"
I.JONES
BUT I didn't panic. Why should I?
Sure, I was in a bit of a mess, but if there was oneplace in all the dimensions I could be confident of finding help, it was here at the Bazaar. Anything could behad here for a price, and thanks to Aahz's training, Ihad made a point of stocking my pouch with moneyprior to our departure from Klah.
Aahz!
It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't thoughtabout my old mentor for days. The crises that haderupted shortly after his departure had occupied mymind to an extent where there was no time or energy leftfor brooding. Except for the occasional explanation ofhis absence, Aahz was playing no part in my life currently. I was successfully handling things without him.
Well...
Okay. I had successfully handled some things withouthim ... the Mob, for example. Of course, the traininghe had gotten me into earlier in our relationship hadalso provided me with confidence under fire... another
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much-needed commodity these days.
"Face it, kid," I said to myself in my best imitation
of Aahz. "You owe a lot to your old mentor."
Right. A lot. Like not making him ashamed of hisprize pupil... say by leaving a job half done.
With new resolve, I addressed my situation. First, Ihad to get back to Klah ... or should I look for a solution right here?
Rather than lose time to indecision, I compromised.
With a few specific questions to the nearest vendor, I seta course for my eventual destination, keeping an eye outas I went for something that would help me solve the
Queen Hemlock problem.
This trip through the Bazaar was different from my
earlier visits. Before, my experience had been of wishingfor more time to study the displays at leisure whilehurrying to keep up with Aahz. This time, it was me thatwas pushing the pace, dismissing display after displaywith a casual "interesting, but no help with today'sproblem." Things seemed to have a different prioritywhen responsibility for the crisis was riding on my
shoulders.
Of course, I didn't know what I was looking for. I
just knew that trick wands and instant thunderstormsweren't it. Out of desperation, I resorted to logic.
To recognize the solution, I needed to know the problem. The problem was that Queen Hemlock was aboutto marry me instead of Rodrick. Scratch that. Masshawas bringing Rodrick back, and I couldn't help her. 1just had to believe she could do it. The problem was
Queen Hemlock.
Whether she married me or Rodrick, she was determined to use Possiltum's military strength to wage a warof expansion. If her husband, whoever it was, tried to
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oppose her, he would find himself conveniently dead.
Killing the Queen would be one solution, but somehow I shrank from cold-blooded murder ... or hot-blooded murder for that matter. No. What was neededwas something to throw a scare into her. A big scare.
The answer walked past me before I recognized it.Fortunately, it was moving slowly, so I turned andcaught up with it in just a few steps.
Answers come in many shapes and sizes. This one wasin the form of a Deveel with a small tray display hung bya strap around his neck.
"What you just said, was it true?"
The Deveel studied me.
"I said, 'Rings. One size fits all. Once on, neveroff.' "
"That's right. Is it true?"
"Of course. Each of my rings are pre-spelled. Onceyou put it on, it self-adjusts so that it won't come off,even if you want it to."
"Great. I'll take two."
". . . Because to lose a ring of such value would betragedy indeed. Each one worth a king's ransom...."
I rolled my eyes.
"Look," I interrupted. "I know it's a tradition of theBazaar to bargain, but I'm in a hurry. How much fortwo? Bottom price."
He thought for a moment and named a figure. Mytraining came to the fore and I made a counteroffer one-tenth of his.
"Hey! You said 'no haggling,' " he protested. "Whodo you think you are?"
Well, it was worth a try. According to Massha, I wasgetting a bit of a reputation at the Bazaar.
"I think I'm the Great Skeeve, since you asked."
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". . . And the camel you rode in on," the vendorsneered. "Everyone knows the Great Skeeve isn't a
Pervert."
The disguise! I had forgotten about it completely.
With a mental wave, I restored my normal appearance.
"No, I'm a Klahd," I smiled, "And for your information, that's Pervect!"
"You mean you're really ... no, you must be. Noone else would voluntarily look like a Klahd ... or de-fend Perverts ... excuse me, Pervects."
"Now that that's established," I yawned, "how
much for two of your rings?"
"Here," he said, thrusting the tray forward. "Takeyour pick, with my compliments. I won a bundle bettingon your team at the Great Game. All I ask is permissionto say that you use my wares."
It was with a great deal of satisfaction that I made myselection and continued on my way. It was nice to have areputation, but nicer to earn it. Those two little baublesnow riding in my pouch were going to get me out of thePossiltum dilemma ... if I got back in time . . . and if
Massha had found the King.
Those sobering thoughts brought my hat size back tonormal in a hurry. The time to gloat was after the battle,not before. Plans aren't victories, as I should be the first
to know.
With panic once again nipping at my heels, I quick-ened my pace until I was nearly running by the time Ireached my final destination: the Yellow Crescent Inn.
Bursting through the door of the Bazaar's leading fastfood establishment, I saw that it was empty of customers except for a troll munching on a table in the cor-ner.
Terrific.
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I was expecting to deal with Gus, the gargoyle proprietor, but I'd settle for the troll.
"Skeeve!" the troll exclaimed. "I say, this is a surprise. What brings you to the Bazaar?"
"Later, Chumly. Right now I need a lift back toKlah. Are you busy with anything?"
The troll set his half-eaten table to one side and raisedthe eyebrow over one mismatched moon eye.
"Not to be picky about formality," he said, "butwhat happened to 'Hello, Chumly. How are you?' "
"I'm sorry. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Can we just...."
"Skeeve! How's it going, handsome?"
A particularly curvaceous bundle of green-hairedloveliness had just emerged from the ladies' room.
"Oh. Hi, Tananda. How 'bout it, Chumly?"
Tananda's smile of welcome disappeared, to be replaced by a puzzled frown.
" 'Oh. Hi, Tananda?' " she repeated, shooting a lookat the troll. "Does anything strike you as strange aboutthat rather low-key greeting, big brother?"
"No stranger than the greeting I just got," Chumlyconfided. "Just offhand, I'd say that either our youngfriend here has forgotten his manners completely, orhe's gotten himself into a spot of trouble."
Their eyes locked and they nodded.
"Trouble," they said together.
"Cute," I grimaced. "Okay, so I'm in a mess. I'mnot asking you to get involved. In fact, I think I've got itworked out myself. All I want is for you to pop me backto Klah."
Brother and sister stepped to my side.
"Certainly," Chumly smiled. "You don't mind if wetag along, though, do you?"
"But I didn't ask you to ..."
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"When have you had to ask for our help before,handsome?" Tananda scolded, slipping an arm aroundmy waist. "We're your friends, remember?"
"But I think I've got it handled ..."
". . . In which case, having us along won't hurt," the
troll insisted.
"Unless, of course, something goes wrong," Tananda supplied. "In which case, we might be able to lend
a hand."
"... And if the three of us can't handle it. we'll be
there to pull you out again," Chumly finished.
I should have known better than to try to argue withthe two of them when they were united.
"But... if ... well, thanks," I managed. "I didn'treally expect this. I mean, you don't even know what the
trouble is."
"You can tell us later," Tananda said firmly, starting
her conjuring to move us through the dimensions. "In-cidentally, where's Aahz?"
"That's part of the problem," I sighed.
And we were back!
Not just back on Klah, back in my own quarters inthe palace. As luck would have it, we weren't alone.Someday I'll have time to figure out if it was good luck
or bad.
The King was trussed up hand and foot on my bed,
while Massha and J. R. Grimble were each enjoying agoblet of wine, and apparently each other's company.At least, that was the scene when we arrived. OnceMassha and Tananda set eyes on each other, the moodchanged dramatically.
"Slut," my new apprentice hissed.
"No-talent mechanic," Tananda shot back.
"Is that freak on our payroll?" Grimble interrupted,staring at Chumly.
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"Spoken like a true bean-counter," the troll sneered.
I tried to break it up.
"If we can just..."
That brought Grimble's attention to me.
"You!" he gasped. "But if you're Skeeve, then
who's...."
"King Rodrick of Possiltum," I supplied, nodding tothe bound figure on the bed. "And now that everybodyknows each other, can you all shut up while I tell youwhat our next move is?"
"Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be
approached with care and caution."
BLUEBEARD
THE wedding went off without a hitch.
I don't known why I had been worried. There were nointerruptions, no missed lines, nobody protested or evencoughed at the wrong time. As was previously noted,Queen Hemlock had handled the planning to the lastminute detail . . . except for a few surprises we wereholding back.
That's why I was worried! My cronies and I knew thatas gaudy and overdone as the Royal Wedding was, itwas only the warm-up act for the main event. There wasalso the extra heat on me of knowing that I hadn'tshared all of my plans with my co-conspirators. Itseemed that was another bad habit I had picked up fromAahz.
Grimble and Badaxe were at their usual places asmismatched bookends to the throne, while Chumly,Tananda, Massha, and I, courtesy of my disguise spellsand Badaxe's pull as general, were lined up along thefoot of the throne as bodyguards. Everything was set togo ... if we ever got the time!
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As dignitary after dignitary stepped forward to offerhis or her congratulations and gifts, I found little to oc-cupy my thoughts except how many things could gowrong with my little scheme. I had stuck my neck out along way with my plan, and if it didn't work, a lot ofpeople would be affected, starting with the king and
subjects of Possiltum.
The more I thought, the more I worried until, insteadof wishing the dignitaries would hurry, I actually foundmyself hoping they would take forever and preserve this
brief moment of peace.
Of course, no sooner did I start hoping things wouldlast then they were over. The last well-wisher was filingout and the Queen herself rising to leave when Grimbleand Badaxe left their customary positions and stepped
before the throne.
"Before you go, my dear," Rodrick said, "our retainers wish to extend their compliments."
Queen Hemlock frowned slightly, but resumed her
seat.
"The Chancellor of the Exchequer stands ready tosupport their majesties in any way," Grimble began."Of course, even with the new influx of wealth into thetreasury, we must watch needless expenses. As always, Istand ready to set the example in cost savings, and sohave decided that to purchase a present for you equal tomy esteem would be a flagrant and unnecessary expense, and therefore..."
"Yes, yes, Grimble," the King interrupted. "Weunderstand and appreciate your self-sacrifice. General
Badaxe?"
Grimble hesitated, then yielded the floor to his rival."I am a fighting man, not a speechmaker," the General said abruptly. "The army stands ready to support
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the kingdom and the throne of Possiltum. As for myself... here is my present."
He removed the axe from his belt and laid it on thestairs before the throne.
Whether he was offering his pet weapon or his personal allegiance, I found the gesture eloquent beyondwords.
"Thank you. General Badaxe, Grimble," Queen
Hemlock said loftily. "I'm sure I can ..."
"My dear," the King interrupted softly. "There isanother retainer."
And I was on.
Screwing up my courage, I dropped my disguise andstepped before the throne.
"Your majesties, the Great Skeeve gives you his congratulations on this happy event."
The Queen was no fool. For one beat her eyes poppedopen and on the next she was staring at the King. Youcould almost hear her thoughts: "If the Magician isthere, then the man I just married is..."
"That's right, your majesty. As you yourself said inour earlier conversations, 'Royalty has married royalty.' "
While it might have been nice dramatically to savorthat moment, I noticed the Queen's eyes were narrowingthoughtfully, so I hurried on.
"Before you decide how to express your joy," Iwarned, "perhaps I should explain my gift to thethrone."
Now the thoughtful gaze was on me. I expressed myown joy by sweating profusely.
"My gift is the wedding rings now worn by both kingand queen. I hope you like them, because they won'tcome off."
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Queen Hemlock made one brief attempt to removeher ring, then her eyes were on me again. This time, the
gaze wasn't thoughtful.
"Just as the fate of the kingdom of Possiltum islinked to the throne, as of the moment you donnedthose rings, your fates are linked to each other. By thepower of a spell so simple it cannot be broken orcountered, when one of you dies, so does the other."
The Queen didn't like that at all, and even the Kingshowed a small frown wrinkle on his forehead, as if contemplating something he had not previously considered.That was my signal to clarify things for him . . . thatthere was an implication to the rings that I hadn't mentioned to him.
"This is not intended as a 'one-sided' gift, for just asQueen Hemlock must now protect the health and well-being of her king, so must King Rodrick defend hisqueen against all dangers ... a// dangers."
The King was on his feet now, eyes flashing.
"What is that supposed to mean. Lord Magician?"As adept as I was at becoming at courtly speech, therewere things which I felt were best said in the vernacular.
"It means if you or anybody else kills her, say, onyour orders, then, you're dead. Now SIT DOWN AND
LISTEN!!"
All the anger and frustration I had felt since figuring
out the King was trying to double-cross me, but hadbeen too busy to express, found its vent in that outburst.It worked. The King sank back into his chair, pale and
slightly shaken.
I wasn't done, though. I had been through a lot, and
a few words weren't enough to settle my mind.
"Since 1 accepted this assignment, I've heard nothingbut how ruthless and ambitious Queen Hemlock is.Well, that may be true, BUT SHE ISN'T GETTING
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ANY PRIZE EITHER! Right now. King Rodrick, I
have more respect for her than I have for you. Shedidn't abandon her kingdom in the middle of a crisis."
I began to pace back and forth before the thrones as Iwarmed to my topic.
"Everybody talks about 'our duty to the throne.' It'sthe guiding directive in the walk-a-day life of com-moners. What never gets mentioned is 'the throne'sduty to the people.' "
I paused and pointed directly at the King.
"I sat in that chair for a while. It's a lot of fun,deciding people's lives for them. Power is heady, andthe fringe bepefits are great! All that bowing and scrap-ing, not to mention one heck of a wardrobe. Still, it's ajob like any other, and with any job you sometimes haveto do things you don't like. Badaxe doesn't just paradeand review his troops, he has to train them and leadthem into battle . . . you know, as in 'I could get killedout here' battle. Grimble spends ungodly hours poringover those numbers of his for the privilege of standingat your side.
"Any job has its pluses and minuses, and if theminuses outweight the pluses, you screw up your courage and quit... unless, of course, you're King Rodrick.Then, instead of abdicating and turning the pluses andminuses over to someone else, you stick someone elsewith doing the job in your name and sneak out a backdoor. Maybe that's how people do their jobs where youwere raised, but I think it's conduct a peasant would beashamed of."
I faced them, hands defiantly on my hips.
"Well, I've done my job. The kingdom has been protected from the immediate threat. With any luck, youtwo will learn to work together. I trust King Rodrick candilute the queen's ambition. I only hope that Queen
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Hemlock's fiery spirit can put a little more spine and
courage into the King."
This time it was Queen Hemlock who was on her feet."Are you going to let him talk to you like that. Rod-die? You're the king. Nobody pushes a king around.""Guards!" Rodrick said tightly. "Seize that man."It had worked! King and Queen were united against acommon foe ... me! Now all I had to do was survive it.
One more mind pass, and my comrades stood exposed as the outworlders they were.
Queen Hemlock, unaccustomed to my dealings withdemons, dropped into her seat with a small gasp. TheKing simply scowled as he realized the real reason for
the presence of my friends.
"Your Majesties," Badaxe said, stepping forward. "Iam sworn to protect the throne and would willingly laydown my life in your defense. I do not see a physicalthreat here, however. If anything, it occurs to me boththrone and kingdom would be strengthened if the GreatSkeeve's words were heard and heeded."
"I am not a fighting man," Grimble said, joiningBadaxe, "so my duty here is passive. I must add,though, that 1 also feel the Lord Magician's words havemerit and should be said to every ruler."
His eyes narrowed and he turned to face me.
"I challenge, though, whether they should be said bya retainer to the court. One of our first duties is to showrespect to the throne, in word and manner."
"That much we agree on, Grimble," Badaxe nodded,adding his glare to the many focused on me.
"Strange as it may sound," I said, "I agree, too. Forthat reason, I am hereby tendering my resignation asCourt Magician of Possiltum. The kingdom is nowsecure militarily and financially, and in my opinionthere is no point in it bearing the expense of a full-time
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magician ... especially one who has been insolent to thethrone. There is no need to discuss severance pay. TheKing's reward for my last assignment, coupled with themonies I have already received from the Exchequer, willserve my needs adequately. I will simply gather mythings and depart."
I saw Grimble blanch slightly when he realized that Iwould not be returning his bribe. I had faith in his ability to hide anything in his stacks of numbered sheets,though.
With only the slightest of nods to the throne, Igathered my entourage with my eyes and left.
Everything had gone perfectly. I couldn't have askedfor the proceedings to have turned out better. As such, Iwas puzzled as to why I was sweat-drenched and shaking like a leaf by the time I reached my own quarters.
"Some farewells are easier than others."
P. MARLOWE
"So, where do you go from here?" Tananda asked.
She and Chumly were helping me pack. We had allagreed that having incurred the combined wrath of theKing and Queen, it would be wisest to delay my departure as little as possible. Massha was off seeing to deepand Buttercup as well as saying her goodbyes to Badaxe.
"I don't really know," I admitted. "I was seriouswhen I said I had accumulated enough wealth for awhile. I'll probably hole up someplace and practice mymagic for a while . . . maybe at that inn Aahz and I usedto use as a home base."
"I say, why don't you tag along with little sister andme?" Chumly suggested. "We usually operate out ofthe Bazaar at Deva. It wouldn't be a bad place for youto keep your hand in, magik-wise."
It flashed through my mind that the Mob must havestarted its infiltration of the Bazaar by now. It also occurred to me that, in the pre-wedding rush, I hadn't toldTananda or Chumly about that particular portion of thecaper. Having remembered, I found myself reluctant toadmit my responsibility for what they'd find on theirreturn.
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"I dunno, Chumly," I hedged. "You two travel
pretty light. I've got so much stuff, I'd probably be bet-ter off settling down somewhere permanent."
It was a pretty weak argument, but the troll seemed toaccept it... maybe because he could see that mountainof gear we were accumulating, trying to clear my quarters.
"Well, think it over. We'd be glad to have you.
You're not a bad sort to have around in a tight spot."
"I'll say." Tananda agreed with a laugh. "Where didyou find those rings, anyway?"
"Bought them from a street vendor at the Bazaar."
"On Deva?" Chumly said with a frown. "Two
spelled rings like that must have set you back a prettypenny. Are you sure you have enough money left?"
Now it was my turn to laugh.
"First of all, they aren't spelled. That was just a bluffI was running on their royal majesties. The rings areplain junk jewelry ... and I got them for free."
"Free?"
Now Tananda was frowning.
"Nobody gets anything for free at the Bazaar."
"No, really. They were free . . . well, the vendor didget my permission to say that I use his wares, but that'sthe same as free, isn't it? I mean, I didn't pay him any
money."
As I spoke, I found myself suddenly uncertain of my"good deal." One of my earliest lessons about dealingwith Deveels was "If you think you've made a good dealwith a Deveel, first count your fingers, then your limbs,then your relatives...."
"Permission to use your name?" Tananda echoed."For two lousy rings? No percentage or anything?Didn't Aahz ever teach you about endorsements?"
There was a soft BAMPH in the air.
"Is someone taking my name in vain?"
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And Aahz was there, every green scaly inch of him,making his entrance as casually as if he had just steppedout.
Of the three of us, I was the first to recover from mysurprise. Well, at least I found my voice.
"Aahz!"
"Hi, kid. Miss me?"
"But, Aahz!"
I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. What I reallywanted to do was embrace him and never let go. Ofcourse, now that he was back, I would do no such thing.I mean, our relationship had never been big in the emotional displays department.
"What's the matter with everybody?" my mentor
demanded. "You all act like you never expected to seeme again."
"We... Aahz!I..."
"We didn't," Tananda said flatly, saving me frommaking an even bigger fool of myself.
"What little sister means," Chumly put in, "is that itwas our belief that your nephew, Rupert, had no intention of letting you returnYrom Perv."
Aahz gave a derisive snort.
"Rupert? That upstart? Don't tell me anybody takeshim seriously."
"Well, maybe not if "your powers were in full force,"Tananda said, "but as things are..."
"Rupert?" Aahz repeated. "You two have known mea long time, right? Then you should get it through yourheads that nobody holds me against my will."
Somehow that quote sounded familiar. Still, I was soglad to have Aahz back, I would have agreed to anything just then.
"Yeah!" I chimed in eagerly. "This is Aahz! Nobodypushes him around."
"There!" my mentor grinned. "As much as I hate to
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agree with a mere apprentice, the kid knows what he's
talking about... this time."
Chumly and Tananda looked at each other with thatspecial gaze that brother and sister use to communicate
non-verbally.
"You know, big brother," Tananda said, "this
mutual admiration society is getting a bit much for mystomach. How about you?"
"Ectually," the troll responded. "I wasn't hearing allthat much mutual admiration. Somehow the phrase'mere apprentice' sticks in my mind."
"Oh, come on, you two," Aahz waved. "Get real,huh? I mean, we all like the kid, but we also know he's atrouble magnet. I've never met anyone who needs looking after as badly as he does. Speaking of which ..."
He turned his yellow eyes on me with that speculative
look of his.
"... I notice you're both here . . . and I definitelyheard my name as I phased in. What I need more thanfond 'hellos' is a quick update as to exactly what kind ofa mess we have to bail the Great Skeeve out of this
time."
I braced myself for a quick but loud lesson about
"endorsements," whatever that was, but the troll surprised me.
"No mess," he said, leaning back casually. "Little
sister and I just dropped by for a visit. In fact, we were
just getting ready to leave."
"Really?" my mentor sounded both surprised andsuspicious. "Just a visit? No trouble?"
"Well, there was a little trouble," Tananda admitted."Something to do with the King...."
"I knew it!" Aahz chortled, rubbing his hands
together.
"... But Skeeve here handled it himself," she fin---
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ished pointedly. "Currently, there are no problems atall."
"Oh."
Strangely, Aahz seemed a bit disappointed.
"Well, I guess I owe you two some thanks, then. I
really appreciate your watching over Skeeve here while I
was gone. He can..."
"I don't think you're listening, Aahz," Chumly said,looking at the ceiling. "Skeeve handled the trouble. Wejust watched."
"Oh, we would have pitched in if things got tight,"Tananda supplied. "You know, the way we do for you,Aahz. As it turned out, we weren't needed. Your 'mereapprentice' was more than equal to the task."
"Finished the job rather neatly, you know?" the trolladded. "In fact, I'm hard pressed to recall when I'veseen a nasty situation dealt with as smoothly or with aslittle fuss."
"All right, all right," Aahz grimaced. "I get themessage. You can fill me in on the details later. Rightnow, the kid and I have some big things to discuss . . .and I mean big."
"Like what?" I frowned.
"Well, I've been giving it a lot of thought, and Ifigure it's about time we left Possiltum and moved on.""Urn. Aahz?" I said.
"I know, I know," he waved. "You think you needpractice. You do, but you've come a long way. Thiswhole thing with the trouble you handled only provesmy point. You're ready to..."
"Aahz?"
"All right. I know you've got friends and duties here,but eventually you have to leave the nest. You'll justhave to trust my judgment and experience to know whenthe time is right to..."
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"I've already quit!"
Aahz stopped in midsentence and stared at me.
"You have?" he blinked.
I nodded and pointed at the pile of gear we had beenpacking. He studied it for a moment as if he didn'tbelieve what he was seeing.
"Oh," he said at last. "Oh well, in that case, I'll justduck over to talk to Grimble and discuss your severancepay. He's a tight-fisted bird, but if I can't shake fivehundred out of him, I'll know the reason why.""I know the reason why," I said carefully.
Aahz rolled his eyes.
"Look, kid. This is my field of expertise, remember?If you go into a bargaining session aiming low, they'llwalk all over you. You've got to..."
"I've already negotiated for a thousand!"
This time, Aahz's "freeze" was longer . . . and hedidn't look at me.
"A thousand?" he said finally. "In gold?"
"Plus a hefty bonus from the King himself," Tananda supplied helpfully.
"We've been trying to tell you, Aahz old boy,"Chumly smiled. "Skeeve here has been doing just finewithout you."
"I see."
Aahz turned away and stared silently out the window.I'll admit to being a bit disappointed. I mean, maybeI hadn't done a first-rate job, but a little bit of congratulations would have been nice. The way my mentorwas acting, you'd think he....
Then it hit me. Like a runaway war-chariot it hit me.Aahz was jealous! More than that, he was hurt!
I could see it now with crystal clarity. Up until now 1had been blinded by Aahz's arrogant self-confidence,but suddenly the veil was parted.
Aahz's escape from Perv wasn't nearly as easy as he
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was letting on. There had been a brawlphysical, ver-bal, or magikalsome hard feelings, and some heavypromises made or broken. He had forced his way backto Klah with one thing on his mind: his apprentice . . .his favorite apprentice, was in trouble. Upon returning,what was his reception? Not only was I not in trouble,for all appearances, I was doing better without him!
Tananda and Chumly were still at it, merrily chatter-ing back and forth about how great I was. While I appreciated their support, I wished desperately I couldthink of a way of getting it through to them that whatthey were really doing was twisting a knife in Aahz.
"Umm . . . Aahz?" I interrupted. "When you've gota minute, there are a few things I need your advice on."
"Like what?" came the muffled response. "From thesound of things, you don't need anybody, much less ateacher with no powers of his own."
Tananda caught it immediately. Her gadfly mannerdropped away like a mask and she signaled desperatelyto Chumly. The troll was not insensitive, though. Hisreaction was to catch my eye with a pleading gaze.
It was up to me. Terrific.
"Well, like... urn."
And Massha exploded into the room.
"Everything's ready downstairs, hot stuff, and . . .oh! Hi there, green and scaly. Thought you were gonefor good."
Aahz spun around, his eyes wide.
"Massha?" he stammered. "What are you doing
here?"
"Didn't the man of the hour here tell you?" shesmiled, batting her expansive eyelashes. "I'm his newapprentice."
"Apprentice?" Aahz echoed, his old fire creepinginto his voice.
"Um . . . that's one of the'things I wanted to talk to
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you about, Aahz," I smiled meekly.
"Apprentice?" he repeated, as if he hadn't heard."Kid, you and I have got to talk ... NOW!"
"Okay, Aahz. As soon as I...."
"Now!"
Yep. Aahz was back.
"Urn, if you'll excuse us, folks, Aahz and I haveto..."
For the second time, there was a BAMPH in the
room.
This one was louder, which was understandable, asthere were more beings involved. Specifically, therewere now four Deveels standing in the room . . . andthey didn't look happy.
"We seek the Great Skeeve," one of them boomed.
My heart sank. Could my involvement with the Mobhave been discovered so fast?
"Who's asking?"
Aahz casually placed his bulk between me and the in-truders. Tananda and Chumly were also on their feet,and Massha was edging sideways to get a clear field offire. Terrific. All I needed to complete my day was tohave my friends soap up the trouble I had started.
"We are here representing the merchants of theBazaar on the Deva, seeking an audience with the GreatSkeeve."
"About what?" my mentor challenged.
The Deveel fixed him with an icy glare.
"We seek the Great Skeeve, not idle chit-chat with aPervert."
"Well, this particular Pervert happens to be theGreat Skeeve's business manager, and he doesn't wastehis time with Deveels unless/clear them."
I almost said something, but changed my mind. Concerned or not, this was not the time to take a conversation away from Aahz.
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The Deveel hesitated, then shrugged.
"There is a new difficult at the Bazaar," he said. "Agroup of organized criminals has gained access to ourdimension threatening to disrupt the normal flow ofbusiness unless they are paid a percentage of ourprofits."
Tananda and Chumly exchanged glances, while
Massha raised an eyebrow at me. I studied the ceilingwith extreme care. Aahz alone was unruffled.
"Tough. So what does that have to do with the GreatSkeeve?" he demanded.
Anticipating the answer, I tried to decide whether Ishould fight or run.
"Isn't it obvious?" the Deveel frowned. "We wish toretain his services to combat this threat. From what wecan tell, he's the only magician around up to the job."
That one stopped me. Of all the strange turns eventscould have taken, this had to be the most unanticipatedand ... well, bizarre!
"I see," Aahz murmured, a nasty gleam in his eye."You realize, of course, that the Great Skeeve's time isvaluable and that such a massive undertaking would require equally massive remuneration?"
Every alarm in my system went off.
"Urn .. . Aahz?"
"Shut up, k . . . I mean, be patient. Master Skeeve.This matter should be settled in a moment."
I couldn't watch.
Instead, / went to the window and stared out. Listening over my shoulder, I heard Aahz name an astronomi-cal figure, and realized there might be a way out of thisyet. If Aahz was greedy enough, and the Deveels stingyenough...
"Done!" said the spokesman.
". . . Of course, that's only an advance," Aahz
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pressed. "A full rendering will have to wait until the jobis completed."
"Done," came the reply.
"... And that is the fee only. Expenses will be reimbursed separately."
"Done! The advance will be awaiting your arrival.
Anything else?"
In tribute to the Deveel's generosity, Aahz was unableto think of any other considerations to gouge out of
them.
There was another BAMPH, and the delegation was
gone.
"How about that!" Aahz crowed. "I finally put one
over on the Deveels!"
"What's that thing you always say about anyone whothinks they've gotten a good deal from a Deveel,Aahz?" Tananda asked sweetly.
"Later," my mentor ordered. "Right now we've gotto get our things together and pop over to the Bazaar toscout the opposition."
"We already know what the opposition is."
"How's that, kid?"
I turned to face him.
"The opposition is the Mob. You remember, the
organized crime group that was sponsoring Big Julie's
army?"
A frown crossed Aahz's face as he regarded me
closely,
"And how did you come by that little tidbit of information, if I may ask?"
I regarded him right back.
"That's the other little thing I wanted your adviceon."
"In a war against organized crime, survived
is a proposition."
M. BOLAN
"Now let me see if I've got this right," Aahz scowled,pacing back and forth in front of our worried gazes."What we've got to do is keep the Mob from takingover the Bazaar, without letting them know we're opposing them or the Deveels know we were the ones wholoosed the Mob on the Bazaar in the first place. Right?"
"You can do it, Aahz," I urged eagerly.
This time, it required no false enthusiasm on my part.While I had done an adequate job operating on my own,when it came to premeditated deviousness, I was quickto acknowledge my master. There might be someone outthere in the multitude of dimensions better than Aahz atfinding under-handed ways out of dilemmas, but Ihaven't met them yet.
"Of course I can do it," my mentor responded with aconfident wink. "I just want everyone to admit it isn'tgoing to be easy. All this talk about the Great Skeevehas made me a little insecure."
"A little?" Tananda smirked.
"I think it's a bit of all right," Chumly said, nudging
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his sister with an elbow. "I've always heard how for-midable Aahz is when he swings into action. I, for one,am dying to see him handle this rather sticky situationall by himself."
Aahz's shoulders sagged slightly as he heaved a small
sigh.
"Whoa! Stop! Perhaps in my enthusiasm I over---
spoke. What I meant to say is that my slimy but agilemind can provide a plan to pull off this assignment. Ofcourse, the execution of said plan will rely upon abilitiesand goodwill of my worthy colleagues. Is that better,Chumly?"
"Quite," the troll nodded.
"Now that that's settled," Gus interrupted impa-tiently, "can we get on with it? This is my place ofbusiness, you know, and the longer I keep the placeclosed, the more money I lose."
For those of you who missed the earlier references,Gus is a gargoyle. He is also the owner/proprietor of theYellow Crescent Inn, the Bazaar's leading fastfood establishment and our current field headquarters. LikeChumly and Tananda, he's helped me out of a couplescrapes in the past and, as soon as he heard about ourcurrent crisis, volunteered again. Like anyone whoearns their living at the Bazaar, however, he habituallykeeps one eye on the cash register. Even though he hadclosed his doors to give us a base of operations for theupcoming campaign, there was still a reflexive bristlingover missed profits.
An idea struck me.
"Relax, Gus," I ordered. "Come up with a dailyfigure for your normal trade, bump it for a decentprofit, and we'll reimburse you when this thing's over."
"What!" my mentor screeched, losing momentary
control. "Are you out of your mind, kid? Who do you
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think is paying for this, anyway?"
"The merchants of Deva," I answered calmly.
"We're on an expense account, remember? I think rent-ing a place while we're on assignment isn't an unreasonable expense, do you?"
"Oh. Right. Sorry, Gus. Old reflexes."
Aahz's confusion was momentary. Then his eyes narrowed thoughtfully.
"In fact, if we put all of you on retainer, your helpwill fall under the heading of 'consultant fees' and nevercome near our own profits. I like it."
"Before you get too carried away," Tananda put inquickly, "I think big brother and I would rather workfor a piece of the action than on a flat fee."
"But, honey," Massha blinked, "You haven't evenheard his plan yet. What makes you think a percentagewill net you more than a fee? . . . just between us girls?"
"Just between us girls," Tananda winked, "you'venever worked with Aahz before. I have, and while hemay not be the pleasantest being to team with, I haveunshakeable faith in his profit margins."
"Now that we're on the subject," Aahz said, staringhard at Massha, "we never have worked togetherbefore, so let's get the rules straight early on. I've gotmy own style, see, and it usually doesn't allow muchtime for 'please' and 'thank you' and explanations. Aslong as you do what you're told, when you're told, we'llget along fine. Right?"
"Wrong!"
My reply popped out before Massha could form herown response. I was vaguely aware that the room hadgotten very quiet, but most of my attention was on Aahzas he slowly cranked his head around to lock gazes withme.
"Now look, kid...." he began dangerously.
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"No, you look, Aahz," I exploded. "I may be yourapprentice, but Massha is mine. Now if she wants todump that agreement and sign on with you, fine anddandy. But until she does, she's my student and myresponsibility. If you think she can help, then you suggest it to me and / decide whether she's up to it. There'sone lesson you've drummed into my head over andover, mentor mine, whether you meant to or not.Nobody leans on your apprentice but you . . . nobody!If you didn't want to teach that lesson, then maybeyou'd better be more careful with the example you setthe next time you take on an apprentice."
"I see," Aahz murmured softly. "Getting pretty bigfor your britches, aren't you, kid?"
"Not really. I'm very much aware of how little Iknow, thank you. But this is my assignment, or at leastit was accepted in my name, and I mean to give it mybest shot . . . however inadequate that might be. Nowfor that assignment, I need your help, Aahz . . . heck,I'll always probably need your help. You're my teacherand I've got a lot to learn. But, I'm not going to rollover and die without it. If getting your help means turning my assignment and my apprentice over to you, thenforget it. I'll just have to try to handle things without
you."
"You'll get your brains beat out."
"Maybe. I didn't say I'd win, just that I'd try mybest. You bring out my best, Aahz. You push me intothings that scare me, but so far I've muddled throughsomehow. I need your help, but I don't have to have it.Even if you don't want to admit it to me, I think youshould admit it to yourself."
With that, we both lapsed into silence.
Me, I couldn't think of anything else to say. Up unti!now, I had been carried along by my anger and Aahz'sresponses. All of a sudden, my mentor wasn't respond---
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ing. Instead, he stared at me with expressionless yelloweyes, not saying a thing.
It was more than a little unnerving. If there is onecharacteristic of Aahz's I could always count on, it wasthat he was expressive. Whether with facial expression,gestures, grunts, or verbal explosions, my mentor usually let everyone in the near vicinity know what he felt orthought about any event or opinion expressed. Rightnow, though, I didn't know if he was about to explodeor just walk away.
I began having regrets over instigating this confronta-tion. Then I toughened up. What I had said was rightand needed to be said. It flashed across my mind thatI could lose Aahz over this argument. My resolvewavered. Right or not, I could have said it better . . .gentler. At least I could have picked a time when all ourfriends weren't watching and listening. Maybe....
Aahz turned away abruptly, shifting his stance to faceTananda and Chumly.
"Now I'm ready to believe you two," he announced."The kid here really did handle that mess on Klah all byhimself, didn't he?"
"That's what we've been trying to tell you, old boy,"the troll winked. "Your apprentice is growing up, andseems to us more than capable of standing on his owntwo feet lately."
"Yeah, I noticed."
He looked at me again, and this time his eyes were expressive. I didn't recognize the expression, but at leastthere was one.
"Kid . . . Skeeve," he said. "If I've ever wonderedwhy I bothered taking you under my wing, you just gaveme the answer. Thanks."
"Um . . . Thanks. I mean, you're welcome. No. Imean..."
As always, I was very glib in the face of the unex---
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peeled. I had gotten used to weathering Aahz's tirades,but this I didn't know how to handle. Fortunately mypet came to my rescue.
"Gleep?" he queried, shaking his head in through the
door.
". . . But if you take anything I've showed you, Imean spell one, and teach it to that dragon," my mentorroared, "you and I are going to go a couple rounds. Dowe understand each other, apprentice?"
"Yes, Aahz."
Actually, I didn't. Still, this didn't seem like the timeto call for a clarification.
"Butt out, Gleep," I ordered. "Go play with Buttercup or something."
"Gleep!" and my dragon's head was gone as fast as ithad appeared.
"Say, hot stuff," Massha drawled. "As much as I appreciate your standing up for me, I'm kinda curious tohear what Big Green has for a plan."
"Right!" 1 nodded, glad to be off the hot seat."Sorry, Aahz, I didn't mean to interrupt. What's the
plan?"
"Well, first," Aahz said, taking his accustomed placeas center of attention once more, "I've got a questionfor Gus. What's the Mob been doing so far to move
in?"
"Judging from what I heard," the gargoyle responded, "a bunch of them move in on a merchant andoffer to sell him some 'insurance.' You know, 'pay us somuch of your revenue and nothing happens to yourbusiness.' If anyone's slow to sign up, they arrange asmall demonstration of what could go wrong: some'accidental' breaking of stock or a couple plug-ugliesstanding outside hassling customers. So far it's been effective. Deveels don't like to lose business."
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"Good," my mentor grinned, showing every last oneof his numerous pointed teeth. "Then we can beatthem."
"How?"
If nothing else, I've gotten quite good at feeding Aahzstraight lines.
"Easy. Just ask yourselves this: If you were a Deveeland paid the Mob to protect your business, and thingsstarted going wrong anyway, what would you do?"
"I can answer that one," Massha said. "I'd either de-mand better protection, scream for my money back, orboth."
"I don't get it," I frowned. "What's going to happento a Mob-protected business?"
"We are," Aahz grinned.
"What our strategist is trying to say," Chumly supplied, "is that the best defense is a good offense. Notterribly original, but effective nonetheless."
"You're darn right it's effective," my mentor exclaimed. "Instead of us defending against the Mob,we're going to start a crime wave right here at theBazaar. Then let's see how good the Mob is at defendingagainst us!"
"It's always easier to destroy than to
create."
ANY GENERAL, ANY ARMY, ANY AGE.
"HEY, Guido! How's it going?"
The big bodyguard spun around, scanning the crowdto see who had hailed him by name. When he saw me,his face brightened.
"Mister Skeeve!"
"Never expected to run into you here!" I lied.
From Gus's description, I had known that both
Guido and his cousin Nunzio were part of the Mob'scontingent at the Bazaar. This "chance meeting" wasthe result of nearly half a day's worth of searching andfollowing rumors.
"What are you doing here?" he asked confidentially."Shopping for a few little items to wow 'em with backatPossiltum?"
"Just taking a bit of a vacation. That new queen andI don't get along so well. I thought things might ease upif I disappeared for a while."
"Too bad. If you was shoppin', I could line you upwith some 'special deals,' if you know what I mean."
"You guys are really moving in, then?" I marveled.
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"How is it going? Any problems?"
"Naw," the bodyguard bragged, puffing out his
chest. "You was right. These Deveels are like shopkeepers anywhere. Lean on 'em a little and they fall inline."
"Don't tell me you're handling this all by yourself! Imean I know you're good, but..."
"Are you kiddin'? I'm an executive now . . . well, atleast a team leader. Both Nunzio and me have a dozenmen to order around, courtesy of our 'extensive knowledge of the Bazaar.' Pretty good, huh?"
"You mean you're running the whole operation?"
"That's Shaister's job. Me and Nunzio report tohim, but it's us gives the orders to the boys."
I looked around expectantly.
"Is your team around? I'd like to meet them."
"Naw. We worked this area a couple days ago. I'mon my way to meet 'em and give out today's assignments. We're going after the area by the livestock penstoday." '
"How about Nunzio's team?"
"They're about three hours west of here. You know,this is a really big place!"
I put on my most disappointed face.
"Too bad, I would have liked to have met some of theones who do the real work."
"Tell ya' what," Guido exclaimed, "why don't youdrop by Fat's Spaghetti Parlor sometimes? That's wherewe're all hanging out. If we're not there, they can tellyou where we are."
"I'll do that. Well, don't work too hard . . . and becareful. These guys can be meaner than they look."
"Piece of cake," he laughed as he headed off.
I was still waving merrily at his retreating figure as therest of my "gang" faded out of the crowd around me.
"Did you get all that?" I asked out of the corner ofmy mouth.
"Two teams, neither one in this area. Shaister's running the show and therefore holding the bag," Tanandarecited. "This area is both clear and under protection."
"Fat's Spaghetti Parlor is their headquarters, whichis where we can find Shaister," Chumly completed."Anything else?"
"Yeah," Aahz grinned. "Skeeve has a standing inviteto drop by, and when he does, they're ready to tell himwhich team is working what area that day. Nice work."
"Lucky," I admitted with no embarrassment. "Well,shall we start?"
"Right," Aahz nodded. "Just like we planned, Tananda and Chumly are a team. Gus, you're with me.Skeeve and Massha, you start here. We all move out indifferent directions and space our hits so there's no pattern. Okay?"
"One more thing," I added. "Keep an eye on yourdisguises. I'm not sure of the exact range I can hold thatspell at. If your disguise starts to fade, change directionto parallel mine."
"We meet back at the Yellow Crescent Inn," Gus finished. "And all of you watch your backs. I don't stockthat much first aid gear."
"Good thought," I said. "Okay. Enough talk. Let'sscatter and start giving the Mob a headache."
The other two teams had melted into the crowd ofshoppers before I had even turned to Massha.
"Well, anything catch your eye for us to have a goat?"
"You know. you're starting to sound a bit like thattroll."
That sounded a bit more abrupt than was Massha'snormal style. I studied her curiously.
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"Something bothering you?"
"Just a little nervous, I guess," she admitted. "Has itoccurred to you all this plan has a major flaw? That toimplement it potentially means getting the entire Bazaarafter us, as well as the Mob?"
"Yes, it has."
"Doesn't it scare you?"
"Yes, it does."
"Well, how do you handle it?"
"By thinking about it as little possible," I said flatly."Look, apprentice, aside from doing shtick in court forthe amusement of the masses, this profession of ours ispretty dangerous. If we start dwelling on everything thatcan go wrong in the future, we'll either never move orblunder headlong into the present because our mindsaren't on what we're doing right now. I try to be awareof the potential danger of a situation, but I don't worryabout trouble until it happens. It's a little shaky, but it'sworked so far."
"If you say so," she sighed. "Oh, well, gear me upand let's get started."
With a pass of my mind, I altered her features. Instead of being a massive woman, she was now a massiveman . . . sort of. I had been experimenting with colorlately, so I made her purple with reddish sideburns thatran all the way down her arms to her knuckles. Addsome claw-like horns at the points of the ears andrough-textured, leathery skin on the face and hands,and you had a being/wouldn't want to mess with.
"Interesting," Massha grimaced, surveying what shecould see of herself. "Did you make this up yourself, oris there a nasty dimension I haven't visited yet?"
"My own creation," I admitted. "The reputationyou're going to build I wouldn't wish on any dimensionI know of. Call it a Hoozit from the dimension Hoo."
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"Who?"
"You've got it."
She rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Hot stuff, do me a favor and only teach me magik,okay? Keep your sense of humor for yourself. I'vealready got enough enemies."
"We still need a target," I said, slightly hurt.
"How about that one? It looks breakable."
I looked where she was pointing and nodded.
"Good enough. Give me a twenty count head start. Ifthey're not protected, I'll be back out. If you don't seeme in twenty, they're fair game. Do your worst."
"You know," she smiled rubbing her hands together,"this could be fun."
"Just remember that I'm in there before you decideexactly what today's 'worst' is."
The display she had chosen was a small, three-sidedtent with a striped top. It was lined with shelves thatwere crowded with an array of stoppered bottles of allsizes and colors. As I entered, I noticed there wassomething in each of the bottlessmoky things thatshifted as if they were alive.
"May I help you, sahr?" The Deveel proprietor
asked, baring what he doubtless thought was a winningsmile.
"Just browsing," I yawned. "Actually, I'm seekingrefuge from gossip. All anyone can talk about is thispack of ruffians that's selling insurance."
The Deveel's face darkened and he spat out the door.
"Insurance! Extortion I call it. They ruined two ofmy treasures before I could stop them long enough tosubscribe to their services. It was a dark day when theyfirst appeared at the Bazaar."
"Yes, yes. Believe me, I've heard it before."
Having established that this shop was indeed under
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the protection of the Mob, I turned my attention to thedisplays.
With studied nonchalance, I plucked up a small bot-tle, no more than a hand's-width high, and peered at thecontents. Murky movement and a vague sparkle met mygaze.
"Be careful," the proprietor cautioned. "Once a Djinis released, it can only be controlled if you address it byname."
"A Djin?"
The Deveel swept me with a speculative gaze. Since Iwasn't doing the heavy work, I wasn't in disguise andlooked like ... well, me.
"I believe in Klah, they're referred to as Genies."
"Oh. You have quite a collection here."
The Deveel preened at the praise.
"Do not be fooled by the extent of my poor shop'sselection, young sahr. They are extremely rare. I personally combed the far reaches of every dimension . . .at great personal expense, I might add ... to find thesefew specimens worthy of...."
I had been wondering when Massha was going to
make her entrance. Well, she made it. Hoo-boy, did shemake it. Right through the side of the tent.
With an almost musical chorus, the stand along thewall went over, dumping the bottles onto the floor. Thereleased Djin rose in a cloud and poured out the opentent side, shrieking with inhuman joy as they went.
The Deveel was understandably upset.
"You idiot!" he shrieked. "What are you doing?"
"Pretty weak shelves," Massha muttered in a
gravelly-bass voice.
"Weak shelves?"
"Sure. I mean, all I did was this ..."
She shoved one of the remaining two shelves, which
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toppled obligingly into the last display.
This time the Djin didn't even bother using the door.They streaked skyward, taking the top of the tent withthem as they screamed their way to freedom.
"My stock! My tent! Who's going to pay for this?"
"That's Hoozit," Massha retorted, "and I'm certainly not going to pay. I don't have any money."
"No money?" the proprietor gasped.
"No. I just came in here to get out of the rain."
"Rain? Rain? But it isn't raining!"
"It isn't?" my apprentice blinked. "Then, goodbye."
With that she ambled off, making a hole in yetanother tent side as she went.
The Deveel sank down in the shattered remains of hisdisplay and cradled his face in his hands.
"I'm ruined!" he moaned. "Ruined!"
"Excuse me for asking," I said. "But why didn't youcall out their names and get them under control?"
"Call out their names? I can't remember the name ofevery Djin I collect. I have to look them up each time Isell one."
"Well, at least that problem's behind you."
That started him off again.
"Ruined!" he repeated needlessly. "What am I goingto do?"
"I really don't know why you're so upset," I observed. "Weren't you just saying that you were insured?"
"Insured?"
The Deveel's head came up slowly.
"Certainly. You're paying to be sure things like thisdon't happen, aren't you? Well, it happened. It seemsto me whoever's protecting your shop owes you an explanation, not to mention quite a bit of money."
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"That's right!" the proprietor was smiling now."Mor^the latter than the former, but you're right!"
I had him going on now. All that was left to be donewas the coup de grace.
"Tell you what. Just so your day won't be a totalwashout, I'll take this one. Now you won't have to stayopen with just one Djin in stock."
I flipped him the smallest coin in my pouch. True tohis heritage, he was sneering even as he plucked it out ofthe air.
"You can't be serious," he said. "This? For a Djin?That doesn't even cover the cost of the bottle!"
"Oh come, come, my good man," I argued. "We'reboth men of the world ... or dimensions. We bothknow that's clear profit."
"It is? "he frowned.
"Of course," I said, gesturing at the broken glass onthe floor. "No one can tell how many bottles were justbroken. I know you'll just include this one on the list oflost-stock and collect in full from your insurance inaddition to what I just gave you. In fact, you couldprobably add five or six to the total if you were reallyfeeling greedy."
"That's true," the Deveel murmured thoughtfully."Hey, thanks! This might not turn out so bad afterall."
"Don't mention it," I shrugged, studying the smallbottle in my hand. "Now that we're in agreement on theprice, though, could you look up the name of myDjin?"
"I don't have to. That one's new enough that I canremember. It's name is Kalvin."
"Kalvin?"
"Hey, don't laugh. It's the latest thing in Djins."
The best laid plans often go fowl."
WILE E. COYOTE
"WELL, except for that, how are things going?"
"Except for that?" Shaister echoed incredulously."Except for that? Except for that things are going rot-ten. This whole project is a disaster."
"Gee, that's tough," I said, with studied tones ofsympathy.
I had gotten to be almost a permanent fixture here atFat's Spaghetti Palace. Every night I dropped by tocheck the troops' progress . . . theirs and mine.
It was nice to be able to track the effectiveness of youractivities by listening to the enemy gripe about them. Itwas even nicer to be able to plan your next move bylistening to counter-attacks in the discussion stage.
"I still don't get it," Guido protested, gulping downanother enormous fork-full of spaghetti. "Everythingwas goin' terrific at first. No trouble at all. ThenBOOM, it hits the fan, know what I mean?"
"Yeah! It was like someone was deliberately workin'to put us out of business."
That last was from cousin Nunzio. For the longest
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^
time I thoughthe was physically unable to talk. Once he
got used to having me around, though, he opened up alittle. In actuality, Nunzio was shy, a fact which wasmagnified by his squeaky little voice which seemed outof place coming from a muscleman.
"I warned you that Deveels can be a nasty lot," Isaid, eager to get the subject away from the possibilityof organized resistance. "And if the shopkeepers aresneaky, it only stands to reason that the local criminalelement would have to have a lot on the ball. Right,Guido?"
"That's right," the goon nodded vigorously, strandsof spaghetti dangling from his mouth. "We criminaltypes can beat any honest citizen at anything. Say, did Iever tell you about the time Nunzio and me were..."
"Shut up, dummy!" Shaister snapped. "In case youhaven't noticed, we're footing the bill for these localamateurs. We're getting our brains beat out financially,and it's up to you boys to catch up with the oppositionand return the favor. .. physically."
"They're scared of us," Guido insisted. "Whereverwe are, they aren't. If we can't find 'em, they can't bedoin' that much damage."
"You know, brains never were your long suit,
Guido," Shaister snarled. "Let me run this past youonce real slow. So far, we've paid out six times as muchas we've taken in. Add all our paychecks and expensesto that, and you might have a glimmer as to why the BigBoys are unhappy."
"But we haven't been collecting very long. Afterwe've expanded our clientele..."
"Well be paying claims on that many more businesses," Shaister finished grimly. "Don't give me that'we'll make it up on volume' guff. Either an operation is
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self-supporting and turning a profit from the beginning,or it's in trouble. And we're in trouble so deep, even ifwe could breathe through the tops of our heads we'dstill be in trouble."
"Maybe if we got some more boys from back
home. ..." Nunzio began.
Shaister slapped his hand down on the table, stopping his lieutenant short.
"No more overhead!" he shouted. "I'm having
enough trouble explaining our profit/loss statement tothe Big Boys without the bottom line getting any worse.Not only are we not going to get any more help, we'regoing to start trimming our expenses, and I mean rightnow. Tell the boys to ... what are you grinning at?"
This last was directed at me.
"Oh, nothing," I said innocently. "It's just that for aminute there you sounded just like someone I knowback on Klah . . . name of Grimble."
"J.R. Grimble?" Shaister blinked.
Now it was my turn to be surprised.
"Why, yes. He's the Chancellor of the Exchequerback at Possiltum. Why, do you know him?"
"Sure. We went to school together. Chancellor of theExchequer, huh? Not bad. If I had known he was working the court of Possiltum, I would have stuck aroundand said 'hi' when I was there."
Somehow, the thought of Shaister and Grimble
knowing each other made me uneasy. There wasn'tmuch chance of the two of them getting together andcomparing notes, and even if they did, Grimble didn'tknow all that much about my modus operand!. Still, itserved as a grim reminder that this was a very riskygame I was playing, with some very dangerous people.
"I still think there's another gang out there some---
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where," Nunzio growled. "There's too much goingdown for it to be independent operators."
"You're half right," Shaister corrected. "There'stoo much going down for it to be a gang. Nobody's intothat many things... not even us!"
"You lost me there, Shaister," I said, genuinelycurious.
The mobster favored me with a patronizing smile.
"That's right. As a magician, you don't know thatmuch about how organized crime works. Let me try toexplain. When the Mob decides to move in, we hit onespecialty field at a time... you know, like protection orthe numbers. Like that. Focusing our efforts yields abetter saturation as well as market penetration."
"That makes sense," I nodded, not wanting to admithe had lost me again.
"Now you take a look at what's happening here.We're getting all sorts of claims; vandalism, shoplifting,armed robbery, even a couple cases of arson. It's toomuch of a mix to be the work of one group. We're dealing with a lot of small-time independents, and if we canmake an example of a few of them, the others willdecide there are easier pickings elsewhere."
In a way, I was glad to hear this. I owed Aahz onemore back-pat. He was the one who had decided thatthe efforts of our team were too limited. To accelerateour "crime wave," he had introduced the dubiouspractice of "insurance fraud" to Deva . . . and theDeveels were fast learners.
Is your stock moving too slow? Break it yourself andturn in a claim for vandalism. Trying to sell your shop,but nobody wants to buy, even at a discount? Torch theplace and collect in full. Better still, want to fatten upyour profit margin a little? Dummy up a few invoicesand file a claim for "stolen goods." All profit, no cost.
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The Deveels loved it. It let them make money andharass the Mob at the same time. No wonder Shaister'stable was fast disappearing under a mountain of claimsand protests.
It was terrific ... except for the part about making anexample out of everyone they caught. I made a mentalnote to warn the team about being extra careful.
"If it's not a gang, and they aren't working againstus," Nunzio scowled, "why is everything happening inour areas? My dad taught me to be suspicious of coin-cidences. He got killed by one."
"How do you know it's just happening in our area?"Shaister countered. "Maybe we picked a bad area ofthe Bazaar to start our operation. Maybe the wholeBazaar is a bad area. Maybe we should have been suspicious when Skeeve here told us there were no police.You get this much money floating around with nopolice, of course there'll be crooks around."
"So what are we supposed to do?" Guido snarled,plucking his napkin from under his chin and throwing iton the table. "My boys can't be two places at once. Wecan't watch over our current clients and sign on new accounts, too."
"That's right," Shaister agreed, "so here's whatwe're going to do. First, we split up the teams. Two-thirds of the boys patrol the areas we've got under protection. The others go after new clients. . .but we don'tjust take anybody. We investigate and ask questions.We find out how much trouble a new area or a new shophas had before we take them as a client. Then we knowwho the bad risks are, and if we protect them at all, theypay double. Capish?"
Both Guido and Nunzio were thinking, and it was obvious the process hurt.
"I dunno," Nunzio squeaked at last. "Sumpin'
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sounds kinda funny about that plan."
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it," Imurmured helpfully.
"What's that?" Shaister snapped.
"Oh, just something my teacher told me once." Ishrugged.
"Hey! Skeeve's right," Guido exclaimed.
"What you're sayin' is that we're going to be policemen and insurance investigators."
"Well, I wouldn't use those words...."
" 'Well'nothin'.Weain'tgonnadoit!"
"Why not?"
"C'mon, Shaister. We're the bad guys. You know,crooks. What's it going to do to our reputation if it getsback to the Mob that we've turned into policemen?"
"They'll think we're valuable employees who areworking hard to protect their investment."
"Yeah?" Guido frowned, unconvinced.
"Besides, it's only temporary," Shaister soothed."Not only that, it's a smoke screen for what we'll reallybe doing."
"What's that?" I asked blandly.
Shaister shot a quick look around the restaurant,then leaned forward, lowering his voice.
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but rememberthat I was telling you about how the Mob focuses on onefield at a time? The way I see it, maybe we picked thewrong field here at Deva. Maybe we shouldn't havetried the protection racket."
"So you're going to change fields?" I urged.
"Right," Shaister smiled. "We'll put the protectionracket on slow-down mode for a while, and in the meantime start leaning on the bookies."
"Now you're talking," Guido crowed. "There's
always good money to be made at gambling."
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"Keep your voice down, you idiot. It's supposed tobe a secret."
"So who's to hear?" Guido protested.
"How about them?"
Shaister jerked his thumb toward a table of fourenormous beings, alternately stuffing their faces andlaughing uproariously.
"Them? That's the Hutt brothers. They're in hereabout once a week. They're too busy with their owngames to bother us."
"Games? Are they gamblers?"
"Naw ... well, except maybe Darwin. He's the leaderof the pack. But he only gambles on businesses."
"Which one is he?"
"The thinnest one. I hear his fiancee has him on adiet. It's making him mean, but not dangerous to us."
Shaister turned back to our table.
"Well, keep your voice down anyway. How about it,Skeeve? The gambling, I mean. You've been here at theBazaar before. Do you know any bookies we can gethold of?"
"Gee, the only one I know of for sure is the Geek," Isaid. "He's a pretty high-roller. If you boys are going totry to pull a fast one on him, though, don't tell him Iwas the one who singled him out."
Shaister gave me a broad wink.
"Gotcha. But anything we get from him, you're infor a percentage. You know, a finder's fee. We don'tforget our friends."
"Gee, thanks," I managed, feeling more than a littleguilty. "Well, I'd better be going. C'mon, Gleep."
"Gleep!" echoed my dragon, pulling his head up outof a tub of spaghetti at the sound of his name.
Fats had taken an instant liking to my pet, founded Isuspect on Gleep's newfound capacity for the maggot---
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like stuff barely hidden by blood-red sauce that was theparlor's mainstay.
I had never been able to screw up my courage enoughto try spaghetti, but my dragon loved it. Knowing someof the dubious things, edible and in, living and non, thatalso met with Gleep's culinary approval, this did littletoward encouraging me to expand my dietary horizonsto include this particular dish. Still, as long as I hadGleep along, we were welcome at Fats, even though mypet was starting to develop a waddle reminiscent of theparlor's proprietor.
"Say, Skeeve. Where do you keep your dragon dur-ing the day?"
I glanced over to find Shaister studying my petthrough narrowed, thoughtful eyes.
"Usually he's with me, but sometimes I leave himwith a dragon-sitter. Why?"
"I just remembered an 'interruption of business'claim we had to pay the other day .. . had to pay! Heck,we're" still paying it. Anyway, this guy sells dragons, see,except for over a week now he hasn't sold a one. Usuallysells about three a day and says since he paid us to besure nothing happens to his business, we should makeup the difference in his sales drop . . . and, you know,those things are expensive'."
"I know," I agreed, "but what does that have to dowith Gleep?"
"Probably nothing. It's just that this guy swears thatjust before everything went to pot, some little dragoncame by and talked to his dragons. Now they won't roaror blow fire or nothing. All they do is sleep and frolic. . . and who wants to buy a dragon that frolics, youknow?"
"Talked to his dragons?" I asked uneasily.
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For some reason, I had a sudden mental image ofGleep confronting Big Julie's dragon, a beast thatdwarfed him in size, and winning.
"Well . . . they didn't exactly talk, but they did hud-dle up and put their heads together and made mumblypuffy noises at each other. Wouldn't let this guy near'em until it was over. The only thing he's sure of is thelittle one, the one he says messed up his business, saidsomething like 'Peep!' Said it a couple of times."
"Peep? "I said.
"Gleep!" answered my dragon.
Shaister stared at him again.
"C'mon, Shaister," Guido said, giving his superior ahearty shove. "Talking dragons? Somebody's pullin'your leg. Sounds to me like he got a bad shipment ofdragons and is trying to get us to pay for them. Tell himto take a hike."
"It's not that easy," Shaister grumbled, "but I suppose you're right. I mean, all dragons look pretty muchalike."
"True enough," I called, heading hastily for thenearest exit. "C'mon, Peep ... I mean, Gleep!"
Maybe Shaister's suspicions had been lulled, but Istill had a few of my own as we made our way back tothe Yellow Crescent Inn.
"Level with me, Gleep. Did you do anything to louseup somebody's dragon business?"
"Gleep?" answered my pet in a tone exactly like myown when I'm trying too hard to sound innocent.
"Uh-huh. Well, stay out of this one. I think we've gotit in hand without you getting in the line of fire."
"Gleep."
The answer was much more subdued this time, and I
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realized he was drooping noticeably.
"Now don't sulk. I just don't want anything to hap-pen to you. That's all."
I was suddenly aware that passers-by were staring atus. As strange as the Bazaar was, I guess they weren'tused to seeing someone walking down the street arguingwith a dragon.
"Let's hurry," I urged, breaking into a trot. "I don'tknow what we can do about the Mob moving in on thebookies, but I'm sure Aahz will think of something."
"Life can be profitable, if you know the
odds."
RIPLEY
THE sports arena we were in was noticeably smaller thanthe stadium on Jahk where we had played in the BigGame, but no less noisy. Perhaps the fact that it was in-doors instead of being open-air did something to theacoustics, but even at half-full the crowd in the arenamade such a din I could barely hear myself think.
Then again, there was the smell. The same walls andceiling that botched up the acoustics did nothing at allfor ventilation. Even a few thousand beings from as-sorted dimensions in these close quarters produced ablend of body odors that had my stomach doing slowrolls ... or maybe it was just my nerves.
"Could you explain to me again about odds?"
"Not now," the Geek snarled, nervously playingwith his program. "I'm too busy worrying."
"I'll give it a try, hot stuff," Massha volunteeredfrom my other side. "Maybe I can say it in less technicaljargon than our friend here."
"I'd appreciate it," I admitted.
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That got me a black look from the Geek, but Masshawas already into it.
"First, you've got to understand that for the mostpart, bookies aren't betting their own money. They'reacting as agents or go-betweens for people who are betting different sides of the same contest. Ideally, themoney bet on each side evens out, so the bookie himselfdoesn't have any of his own money riding on the contest."
"Then how do they make their money?"
"Sometimes off a percentage, sometimes . . . butthat's another story. What we're talking about is odds.Okay?"
"I guess so," I shrugged.
"Now, the situation I described is the ideal. Itassumes the teams or fighters or whatever are evenlymatched. That way, some people bet one side, some theother, but overall it evens out. That's even odds orl-l."
She shifted her weight a bit, ignoring the glares fromour fellow patrons when the entire row of seats wobbledin response.
"But suppose things were different. What if, insteadof an even match, one side had an advantage . . . likesay if Badaxe were going to fight King Rodrick?"
"That's easy," I smiled. "Nobody would be on theKing."
"Precisely," Massha nodded. "Then everybody
would bet one side, and the bookies would have to coverall the bets with their own money . . . bets they stood agood chance of losing."
"So they don't take any bets."
"No. They rig things so that people will bet on theking."
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I cocked an eyebrow at her.
"They could try, but I sure wouldn't throw my goldaway like that. I'd back Badaxe."
"Really?" Massha smiled. "What if, instead of betting one gold piece to win one gold piece, you had to betten gold pieces on Badaxe to win one back?"
"Well..."
"Let me make it a little harder. How about if you betone gold piece on the King, and he won, that instead ofgetting one gold piece back, you got a hundred?"
"I... urn ... might take a long shot on the King," Isaid, hesitantly. "There's always a chance he could getlucky. Besides, if I lose, I'm only out one gold piece."
"... And that's how bookies use odds to cover
themselves. Now, how they figure out how many betsthey need on the King at 'x' odds to cover the bets theyhave on Badaxe at 'y' odds is beyond me."
I looked at the Deveel next to me with new respect.
"Gee, Geek. I never really realized how complicatedyour work is."
The Deveel softened a bit. They're as susceptible toflattery as anyone else.
"Actually, it's even more complicated than that," headmitted modestly. "You've got to keep track of severalcontests at once, sometimes even use the long bets fromone to cover the short bets on another. Then there areside bets, like who will score how often in which periodin the Big Game. It isn't easy, but a sharp being canmake a living at it."
"So what are the odds tonight?"
The Deveel grimaced.
"Lousy. It's one of those Badaxe and the King
matchups, if I was following your example right. In thiscase, the team you'll see in red trunks are Badaxe.
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They're hotter than a ten dollar laser and have won theirlast fifteen bouts. The weak sisters ... the King to you. . . will be in white trunks and haven't won a bout intwo years. When the Mob put their bet down, the oddswere running about two hundred to one against thewhites."
I whistled softly.
"Wow. Two hundred in gold return on a one-gold-piece bet. Did you remember to act surprised when theyput their money down?"
"I didn't have to act," the Geek said through tightlips. "Not with the size bet they came up with. Beingforewarned, I had expected they wouldn't be goingsmall, but still..."
He shook his head and lapsed into silence.
I hadn't really paused to consider the implication ofthe odds, but I did now. If betting one piece could getyou two hundred back, then a bet of a thousand wouldhave a potential payback of two hundred thousand!And a ten thousand bet...
"How big was their bet?" I asked fearfully.
"Big enough that if I lose, I'll be working for theMob for the rest of my life to pay it off... and Deveelsdon't have short life-spans."
"Wait a minute. Didn't Aahz tell you that if you lost,we'd cover it out of our expense money?"
"He did." the Deveel said. "And he also pointed outthat if you were covering my losses, you'd also take allwinnings if things went as planned. I opted to take therisk, and the winnings, myself."
Massha leaned forward to stare.
"Are you that confident, or that greedy?"
"More the latter," the Geek admitted. "Then again,I got burnt rather badly betting against Skeeve here in
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the Big Game. I figure it's worth at least one pass back-ing the shooter who's working a streak."
I shook my head in puzzlement.
"Aren't you afraid of losing?"
"Well, it did occur to me that it might be me and notthe Mob who's being set up here. That's why I'm sittingnext to you. If this turns out to be a double cross ..."
"You're pretty small to be making threats. Geek,"Massha warned.
". . . And you're too big to dodge fast if I decide I'mbeing had," the Deveel shot back.
"Knock it off, both of you," I ordered. "It's academic anyway. There won't be any problems ... or ifthere are, I'll be as surprised as you are, Geek."
"More surprised, I hope," the Deveel sneered. "I'mhalf expecting this to blow up, remember?"
"But Aahz has assured me that the fix is in."
"Obviously. Otherwise, the Mob wouldn't be bettingso heavily. The question is, which fix is going to work,theirs or yours?"
Just then a flurry of activity across the arena caughtmy eye. The Mob had just arrived ... in force. Shai-sterwas there, flanked by Guido and Nunzio and backed bythe remaining members of the two teams currently assigned to the Bazaar. Seen together and moving, as opposed to individually feeding their faces at Fats', theymade an impressive group. Apparently others sharedmy opinion. Even though they were late, no one contested their right to prime seats as they filed into thefront row. In fact, there was a noticeable bailing outfrom the desired seats as they approached.
It was still a new enough experience for me to seeother beings I knew in a crowd at the Bazaar that I stoodup and waved at them before I realized what I was do---
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Robert Asprtn
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ing. Then it dawned on me! If they saw me sitting withthe Geek and then lost a big bet, they might put two and
two together and get five!
I stopped waving and tried to ease back into my seat,but it was too late. Guido had spotted my gyrations andnudged Shaister to point me out. Our eyes met and henodded acknowledgement before returning to scanning
the crowd.
Crestfallen, I turned to apologize to the Geek, only to
find myself addressing a character with a pasty com-plexion and hairy ears who bore no resemblance at all tothe Deveel who had been sitting beside me.
I almost. .. almost! . . . looked around to see wherethe Geek had gone. Then I did a little mental arithmeticand figured it out.
A disguise spell!
I'd gotten so used to fooling people myself with thatspell that when someone did the same to me, I was completely taken in.
"Still kinda new at this intrigue stuff, aren't you?" he
observed dryly from his new face.
Fortunately I was saved the problem of thinking up asuitable response by the entrance of the contestants.With the scramble of planning and launching ourcounter-offensive, I hadn't really been briefed on whatthe Mob was betting on except that it would be a tag-team wrestling match. No one said what the contestantswould be like, and I had assumed it would be like thematches I had seen back on Klah. I should have known
better.
The two teams were made up of beings who barely
stood high enough to reach my waist! I mean they weresmall! They looked like kids ... if you're used to havingkids around with four arms each.
"What are those?" I demanded.
"Those are the teams," the Geek said helpfully.
"I mean, what are they? Where are they from?"
"Oh. Those are Tues."
"And you bet on them? I mean, I've heard of midgetwrestling, but this is ridiculous!"
"Don't knock it," the Deveel shrugged. "They're bigon the wrestling circuit. In fact, teams like this are theirdimension's most popular export. Everyone knowsthem as the Terrible Tues. They're a lot more destruc-tive than you'd guess from their size."
"This is a put-on, right?"
"If you really want to see something, you shouldcatch their other export. It's a traveling dance troupecalled the Tue Tours."
Massha dropped a heavy hand on my shoulder.
"Hot stuff, remember our deal about my lessons?"
"Later, Massha. The match is about to start."
Actually, it was about to finish. It was that short, ifyou'll pardon the expression.
The first member of the favored red trunk teamsimply strolled out and pinned his white-trunked rival.Though the pin looked a bit like someone trying to wrapa package with tangled string, the red-trunker made itseem awfully easy. All efforts of his opponent's partnerto dislodge the victor were in vain, and the bout wasover.
"Well, that's that," the Geek said, standing up. "Apleasure doing business with you, Skeeve. Look me upagain if you tie on to a live one."
"Aren't you going to collect your bet?"
The Deveel shrugged.
"No rush. Besides, I think your playmates are a littlepreoccupied just now."
I looked where he was pointing and saw Shai-sterstorming toward the dressing rooms with Guido and
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Nunzio close behind. None of them looked particularlyhappy, which was understandable, given the circumstances.
"Whoops. That's my cue. See you back at the Yellow
Crescent, Massha."
And with that, I launched myself in an interceptor
course with the angry mobsters.
"These blokes need to be taught to respect
their superiors."
GEN. CORNWALUS
I ALMOST missed them. Not that I was moving slow,mind you. It's just that they had a real head of steamon.
"Hi guys!" I called, just as Shaister was raising a fistto hammer on the dressing room door. "Are you goingto congratulate the winners, too?"
Three sets of eyes bored into me as my "friends"spun around.
"Congratulate!" Guido snarled. "I'll give 'em congratulate."
"Wait a minute," Shaister interrupted. "What didyou mean,'too'?"
"Well, that's why I'm here. I just won a sizable beton the last match."
"How sizable?"
"Well, sizable for me," I qualified. "I stand to collect fifty gold pieces."
"Fifty," Guido snorted. "You know how much we
lost on that fiasco?"
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149
"Lost?" I frowned. "Didn't you know the Reds were
favored?"
"Of course we knew," Shaister snarled. "That'swhy we were set to make a killing when they lost."
"But what made you think they were going to ...Oh! Was that what you were talking about when yousaid you were going into gambling?"
"That's right. The red team was supposed to take agraceful dive in the third round. We paid them enough... more than enough, actually."
He sounded so much like Grimble I couldn't resisttaking a cheap shot.
"Judging from the outcome, it sounds to me that youpaid them a little less than enough."
"It's not funny. Now, instead of recouping ourlosses, we've got another big loss to explain to the Big
Boys."
"Oh come on, Shaister," I smiled. "How much can
it cost to fix a fight?"
"Not much," he admitted. "But when you figure inthe investment money we just lost, it comes to...."
"Investment money?"
"He means the bet," Guido supplied.
"Oh. Well, I suppose that's the risk you take whenyou try to make a killing."
An evil smile flitted across Shaister's face.
"Oh, we're going to make a killing, all right," hesaid. "It's time the locals at this Bazaar learned what itmeans to cross the Mob."
With that, he nodded at Guido who opened the dressing room door.
All four wrestlers were sharing the same room, andthey looked up expectantly as we filed in. That's right. Isaid we. I kind of tagged along at the end of the procession and no one seemed to object.
"Didn't you clowns forget something out there?"Shaister said for his greeting. "Like who was supposedto win?"
The various team members exchanged glances. Thenthe smallest of the red team shrugged.
"Big deal. So we changed our minds."
"Yeah," his teammate chimed in. "We decided itwould be bad for our image to lose . . . especially tothese stumblebums."
That brought the white team to its feet.
"Stumblebums?" one of them bellowed. "You
caught us by surprise, that's all. We was told to take iteasy until the third-round,"
"If you took it any easier, you'd be asleep. We weresupposed to be wrestling, not dancing."
Shaister stepped between them.
"So you all admit you understood your original instructions?"
"Hey, get off our backs, okay? You'll get your stink-ing money back, so what's your beef, anyway?"
"Even if you gave us a full refund," Shaister saidsoftly, "there's still a matter of the money we lost betting on you. I don't suppose any of you are independently wealthy?"
"Oh, sure," one of the reds laughed. "We're justdoin' this for kicks."
"I thought not. Guido. Nunzio. See what you can doabout squaring accounts with these gentlemen. Andtake your time. I want them to feel it, you know?"
"I dunno, Shaister," Guido scowled. "They're
awfully small. I don't think we can make it last toolong."
"Well, do your best. Skeeve? Would you join me outside? I don't think you're going to want to see this."
He was closer to being right than he knew. Even
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though I had been through some rough and tumbletimes during recent years, that didn't mean I enjoyed
iteven to watch.
The door was barely shut behind us when a series ofthuds and crashes erupted inside. It was painful just to
listen to, but it didn't last long.
"I told them to take their time," Shaister said,
scowling at the silence. "Oh well, I guess ..."The door opened, revealing one of the white team."If you've got any more lessons out there, I suggest
you send them in. These two didn't teach us much at
all."
He shut the door again, but not before we caught a
glimpse of the two bodyguards unconscious on thefloor. Well, Guide was on the floor. Nunzio was kind ofstanding on his head in the corner.
"Tough little guys," I remarked casually. "It must bethe four arms. Think you could find work for them in
the Mob?"
Shaister was visibly shaken, but he recovered
quickly.
"So they want to play rough. Well, that's fine by
me."
"You aren't going in there alone, are you?" I asked,
genuinely concerned.
He favored me with a withering glance.
"Not a chance."
With that, he put his fingers in his mouth and blew aloud blast. At least, that's what it looked like. I didn't
hear a thing.
Before I could ask what he was doing, though, athunder of footsteps announced the arrival of two
dozen Mob reinforcements.
Neat trick. I guess the whistle had been too high for
me to hear... or too low.
"They got Guido and Nunzio," Shaister shoutedbefore the heavies had come to a complete halt. "Let'sshow 'em who's running things around here. Followme?"
Jerking the door open, he plunged into the dressingroom with the pack at his heels.
I'm not sure if Shaister had ever actually been in afight before, much less led a team into a fight. I am,however, sure he never tried it again.
The screams of pain and anguish that poured out ofthat room moved me to take action. I walked a little fur-ther down the hall and did my waiting there. It turnedout my caution was needless. The wall didn't collapse,nor did the ceiling or the building itself. Several hunksof plaster did come loose, however, and at one pointsomeone poked a hole in the wall... with his head.
It occurred to me that if the fight fans in the arenareally wanted to get their money's worth, they should bedown here. Additional thought made me decide it wasjust as well they didn't. There were already more thanenough beings crowded into that dressing room . . .which was as good a reason as any for my staying in thehall.
Eventually the sounds of battle died away, leavingonly ominous silence. I reminded myself that I hadevery confidence in the outcome. As the length of silence grew, I found it necessary to remind myself severaltimes.
Finally the door opened, and the four Tues filed outlaughing and chatting together.
"Cute," I called. "Don't hurry or anything. I canworry out here all day."
One of the white team ran up and gave me a hug and akiss.
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"Sorry, handsome. We were having so much fun weforgot about you."
"Urn . . . could you do something about the disguisesbefore you kiss me again?"
"Whoops. Sorry about that!"
The taller red team member closed his eyes, and theTues were gone. In their places stood Aahz, Gus,Tananda, and Chumly. That's why I hadn't been worried . . . much.
"Nice work, Gus," I said, nodding my approval."But I still think I could have handled the disguisesmyself."
"Have you ever seen a Tue before?" Aahz challenged.
"Well... no."
"Gus has. That's why he handled the disguises. Endof discussion."
"Used to have a secretary named Etheyl," the gargoyle explained, ignoring Aahz's order. "She was a bigfan of the wrestling circuit."
"A secretary?" I blinked.
"Sure, haven't you ever heard of a Tue FingeredTypist?"
"Enough!" Aahz insisted, holding up his hand. "Ivote we head back to the Yellow Crescent Inn for a littlecelebration. I think we've thwarted the Mob enough forone night."
"Yeah," Tananda grinned. "That'll teach 'em topick on someone their own size."
"But you are their size," I frowned.
"I know," she winked. "That's the point."
"I say, are you sure, Aahz?" Chumbly interjected. "Imean, we gave them a sound thrashing, but will it holdthem until morning?"
"If they're lucky," my mentor grinned. "Remember,
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once they wake up, they're going to have to report in totheir superiors."
"Do you think they'll try to recoup their losses withanother stab at gambling?" I asked.
"I hope so," Aahz said, his grin getting broader."The next big betting event oh the docket is the unicornraces, and we've got that covered easily."
"You mean Buttercup? You can't enter him in a race.He's a war-unicorn."
"I know. Think about it."
"Figure the last thing you would expect
the enemy to do, then count on him doing
precisely that!"
RICHEUEU
THE Mob did not try another gambit right after theirdisastrous attempt to move in on Deva's bookies. Infact, for some time afterward, things were quiet... tooquiet, as Aahz put it.
"I don't like it," he declared, staring out the frontwindow of the Yellow Crescent Inn. "They're up tosomething. I can feel it."
"Fats says they haven't been around for nearly aweek," I supplied. "Maybe they've given up."
"Not a chance. There's got to be at least one moretry, if for nothing else than to save face. And instead ofgetting ready, we're sitting around on our butts."
He was right. For days now, the team's main activityhad been hanging around Gus's place waiting for somebit of information to turn up. Our scouting missionshad yielded nothing, so we were pretty much reduced torelying on the normal Bazaar gossip network to alert usto any new Mob activity.
"Be reasonable, Aahz." Chumly protested. "We
can't plan or prepare without any data to work with.
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You've said yourself that action in an absence of information is wasted effort, eh what? Makes the troops
edgy."
Aahz stalked over to where the troll was sprawled.
"Don't start quoting me at me! You're the one whousually argues with everything I say. If everybody startsagreeing with me, we aren't using all the mental
resources we can."
"But you're the one saying that we should be planning," I pointed out.
"Right," my mentor smiled. "So we might as well getstarted. In absence of hard facts, we'll have to try tosecond-guess them. Now, where is the Bazaar mostvulnerable to Mob takeover? Tananda, have you seen
... Tananda?"
She abandoned her window-gazing to focus on the
discussion.
"What was that, Aahz? Sorry. I was watching that
Klahd coming down the street dressed in bright purple."
"Purple?"
Massha and I said it together.
I started to race her for the window, then changed mymind. What if I won? I didn't want to be between thewindow and her mass when she finally got there. Instead, I waited until she settled into position, then eased
in beside her.
"That's him all right," I said out loud, confirmingmy unvoiced thoughts. "That's Don Bruce. Well, nowwe know what the Mob's been doing. They've beenwhistling up the heavy artillery. The question is, what ishe doing here at the Bazaar? When we get the answer tothat, we'll be able to plan our next move."
"Actually, the question should be what is he doinghere at the Yellow Crescent Inn," Gus commented drylyfrom my elbow. "And I think we're about to get the
answer."
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Sure enough, Don Bruce was making a beeline for thevery building we were watching him from. With hiswalk, it had taken me a minute to zero in on his direction.
"All right. We know who he is and that he's cominghere. Now, let's quit gawking like a bunch of tourists."
Aahz was back in his familiar commander role again.Still, I noticed he was no quicker to leave the windowthan any of the rest of us.
"Everybody sit down and act natural. Skeeve, whenhe gets here, let me do the talking, okay?"
"Not a chance, Aahz," I said, sinking into a chair."He's used to dealing with me direct. If we try to run ina middleman he'll know something's up. Sitat this tablewith me, though. I'm going to need your advice on thisone."
By the time Don Bruce opened the door, we were allsitting. Aahz and I at one table, and two others accom-modating Massha and Gus, and the Chumly-Tanandateam respectively. I noticed that we had left two-thirdsof the place empty to sit at adjoining tables, whichmight have looked a little suspicious. I also noticed wehad reflexively split up into two-person teams again, butit was too late to correct either situation.
"Hi there," Don Bruce called, spotting me at once."Thank goodness I found you here. This Bazaar is greatfun to wander, but simply beastly at finding what orwho you're looking for."
"You were looking for me?"
This was not the best news I had heard all day.Despite his affected style of speech, I had a healthyrespect for Don Bruce. From what I had seen of theMob, it was a rough group, and I figured no one couldhold down as high a position as Don Bruce did, unlessthere was some real hard rock under that soft exterior.Friendly greeting or not, I began to feel the fingers of
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cold fear gripping my stomach.
"That's right. I've go? to have a meet with you, youknow? I was hoping I could speak with you in private."
The last thing in the world I wanted right now was to
be alone with Don Bruce.
"It's all right," I said expansively. "These are myfriends. Any business I have with your . .. organizationwe're in on together ... I mean, can be discussed in
front of them."
"Oh, very well."
The Mob chieftain flounced onto a chair at my table."I didn't mean to be rude, and I do want to meet you
all. It's just that, first thing, there are some pressing
matters to deal with."
"Shoot," I said, then immediately wished I had
chosen another word.
"Well, you know we're trying to move in on this
place, and you know it hasn't been going well . . . no,don't deny it. It's true. Shaister has mentioned youoften in his reports, so I know how well informed you
are."
"I haven't seen Shaister lately, but I do know he's
been working hard at the project."
"That's right." Aahz chimed in. "From what
Skeeve's been telling us, Shaister is a good man. If hecan't pull it off, you might as well pack up and go
home."
"He's an idiot!" Don Bruce roared, and for a mo-ment we could see the steel inside the velvet glove. "Thereason you haven't seen him is that I've pulled him fromthe project completely. He thought we should give up,
too."
"You aren't giving up?" I said, fearfully.
"I can't. Oh, if you only knew what I go through on
the Council. I made such a thing out of this Deva proj---
159
ect and how much it could do for the Mob. If we pulledout now, it would be the same as saying I don't know agood thing when I see it. No sir. Call it family politics orstubborn pride, we're going to stay right here."
My heart sank.
"But if the operation is losing money" I began, buthe cut me off with a gesture.
"So far ... but not for long. You see, I've figuredout for myself what's going wrong here."
"You have? How? I mean, this is your first visit heresince the project started."
I was starting to sweat a bit. Don Bruce was regardingme with an oily reptilian smile I didn't like at all.
"I saw it in the reports," he declared. "Clear as thenose on your face. That's why I know Shaister's anidiot. The problem was right here in front of him and hecouldn't see it. That problem is you."
My sweat turned cold. At the edge of my vision I sawTananda run her fingers through her hair, palming oneof her poison darts in the process, and Massha wasstarting to play with her rings. Chumly and Gus exchanged glances, then shifted in their chairs slightly. Ofour entire team, only Aahz seemed unconcerned.
"You'll have to be a little clearer for the benefit of usslow folks," he drawled. "Just how do you figure thatSkeeve here is a problem?"
"Look at the facts," Don Bruce said, holding up hisfingers to tick off the count.
"He's been here the whole time my boys were havingtrouble; he knows the Bazaar better than my boys; heknows magik enough to do things my boys can't handle;
and now I find out he's got a bunch of friends and con-tacts here."
"So?" my mentor said softly.
"So? Isn't it obvious? The problem with the opera---
160
tion is that he should have been working for us allalong."
By now I had recovered enough to have my defenseready.
"But just because I... what?"
"Sure. That's why I'm here. Now I know you saidbefore you didn't want to work for the Mob full time.That's why I'm ready to talk a new deal with you. Iwant you to run the Mob's operation here at the Bazaar... and I'm willing to pay top dollar."
"How much is that in gold?"
Aahz was leaning forward now.
"Wait a minute! Whoa! Stop!" I interrupted. "Youcan't be serious. I don't have the time or the know-howto make this a profitable project."
"It doesn't have to be profitable," Don argued."Break even would be nice, or even just lose moneyslower. Anything to get the council to look elsewherefor things to gripe about at our monthly Meetings. Youcould do it in your extra time."
I started to say something, but Aahz put a casualhand on my shoulder. I knew that warning. If I tried tointerrupt or correct him, that grip would tighten untilmy bones creaked.
"Now let me see if I've got this right," he said, showing all his teeth. "You want my man here to run youroperation, but you don't care if it doesn't show aprofit?"
"That's right."
"Of course, with things as shaky as they are now,you'd have to guarantee his salary."
Don Bruce pursed his lips and looked at me.
"How much does he cost?"
"Lots," Aahz confided. "But less than the totalsalary of the force you've got here now."
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"Okay. He's worth it."
"Aahz ..." I began, but the grip on my shouldertightened.
". . . And you aren't so much concerned with theMob's reputation here on Deva as you are with how theCouncil treats you, right?''
"Well... yeah. I guess so."
". . . So he'd have free rein to run the operation theway he saw fit. No staff forced on him or policies tofollow?"
"No. I'd have to at least assign him a couple bodyguards. Anybody running a Mob operation has got to
have a couple of the Family's boys to be sure nothinghappens to him."
Aahz scowled.
"But he's already got..."
"How about Guido and Nunzio?" I managed,
through gritted teeth.
Abruptly the grip on my shoulder vanished.
"Those losers?" Don Bruce frowned. "I was going to
have a severe talk with them after this disaster, but if
you want 'em, they're yours."
". . . But since you're the one insisting on them, theydon't show up on our overhead. Right?" Aahz saidfirmly.
I leaned back, working my shoulder covertly, andtried to ignore the horrified stares my friends were exchanging. I didn't know for sure what Aahz was up to,
but knew better than to get in his way when he smelledmoney.
I could only cross my fingers and hope that he knewwhat he was doing ... for a change.
"Stayin' alive! Stayin aKve!"
V. DRACULA
THE representatives of the Bazaar Merchants didn'tlook happy, but then Deveels never do when they'reparting with money.
"Thank you gentlemen," Aahz beamed, rubbing hishands together gleefully over the substantial pile of goldon the table.
"You're sure the Mob is gone?" the head spokesmanasked, looking plaintively at the gold.
"Positive. We've broken their reign of terror and sentthem packing."
The Deveel nodded.
"Good. Now that that's settled, we'll be going."
". . . Of course," Aahz yawned, "there's no guarantee they won't be back tomorrow."
That stopped the delegation in their tracks.
"What? But you said..."
"Face it, gentlemen. Right now, the only thing between the Mob and the Bazaar is the Great Skeeve here,and once he leaves ..."
163
164
The Deveels exchanged glances.
"I don't suppose you'd consider staying," one said
hopefully.
I favored him with a patronizing smile.
"I'd love to, but you know how it is. Expenses arehigh, and I've got to keep moving to eke out a living."
"But with your reputation, clients will be looking foryou. What you really need is a permanent location so
you can be found."
"True enough," Aahz smiled. "But to be blunt, why
should we give you for free what other dimensions arewilling to pay for? I should think that if anybody couldunderstand that, you Deveels would."
"Now we're getting to the heart of the matter," thelead spokesman sighed, pulling up a chair. "Okay. How
much?"
"How much?" Aahz echoed.
"Don't give me that," the Deveel snapped. "Innocence looks ridiculous on a Pervert. Just tell us whatkind of retainer would be necessary to keep the GreatSkeeve around as the Bazaar's magician in residence."
Aahz winked at me.
"I'm sure you'll find his fee reasonable," he said."Well, reasonable when you stop to think what you'regetting for your money. Of course, the figure I'm thinking of is just for making the Bazaar his base of operations. If any specific trouble arises, we'll have tonegotiate that separately."
"Of course," the Deveel winced.
I settled back to wait patiently. This was going to takea while, but I was confident of the eventual outcome. Ialso knew that whatever fee Aahz was thinking oforiginally just got doubled when the Deveel made that'Pervert' crack. As a Pervect, Aahz is very sensitive
165
about how he's addressed . . . and this time I wasn'tabout to argue with him.
"I love it!" Aahz crowed, modestly. "Not only arewe getting a steady income from-both the Mob and theDeveels, we don't have to do a thing to earn it! This iseven better than the setup we had at PossHtum."
"It's a sweet deal, Aahz."
"And how about this layout? It's a far cry from thatshack you and Garkin were calling home when we firstmet."
Aahz and I were examining our new home, providedas an extra clause in our deal with the Bazaar merchants. It was huge, rivaling the size of the Royal Palaceat Possiltum. The interesting thing was that from theoutside it looked no bigger than an average Bazaar stall.
"Of course, holding out for a lifetime discount onanything at the Bazaar was a stroke of genius, if I do sayso myself."
"Yeah, Aahz. Genius."
My mentor broke off his chortling and self-congratu-lations to regard me quizzically.
"Is something bothering you, Skeeve? You seem alittle subdued."
"It's nothing, really."
"Come on. Out with it," he insisted. "You should beon top of the world right now, not moping around likeyou just heard that your dragon has a terminal illness orsomething."
"Well, it's a couple of things," I admitted grudg-ingly. "First, I've got a bad feeling about those dealsyou just put together.''
"Now wait a minute," my mentor scowled. "We
talked all this out before we went after the merchants
166
and you said that double-dealing wouldn't bother you."
"It doesn't. If anything, I'm glad to see both the Moband the Deveels getting a little of their own back for achange."
"Then what's wrong? I got you everything I couldthink of!"
"That's what's wrong."
My mentor shook his head sharply as if to clear his vi-sion.
"I've got to admit, this time you lost me. Could yourun that one past again, slow?"
"Come on, Aahz. You know what I'm talking about.You've gotten me more money than I could spend in alifetime, a beautiful house ... not just anywhere, mindyou, but at the Bazaar itself . . . steady work anytime Iwant it ... in short, everything I need to not only survive, but prosper. Everything."
"So?"
"So are you setting me up so you can leave? Is thatwhat this is all about?"
I had secretly hoped that Aahz would laugh in myface and tell me I was being silly. Instead, he averted hiseyes and lapsed into silence.
"I've been thinking about it," he said finally."You're doing pretty well lately and, like you say, thislatest deal will insure you won't starve. The truth of thematter is that you really don't need me anymore."
"But Aahz!"
"Don't 'but Aahz' me! All I'm doing is repeatingwhat you shoved down my throat at the beginning ofthis caper. You don't need me. I've been giving it a lotof thought, and you're right. I thought you alwayswanted to hear me say that."
"Maybe I don't like being right," I said plaintively.
167
"Maybe I wish I did need you more and things could goon forever like they have in the past."
"That's most of growing up, kid," Aahz sighed."Facing up to reality whether we like it or not. You'vebeen doing it, and I figure it's about time I did the same.That's why I'm going to stick around."
"But you don't have to ... what?"
My mentor's face split in one of his expansive grins.
"In this case, the reality that I'm facing is thatwhether you need me or not, I've had more fun since Itook you on as an apprentice than I've had in centuries.I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen to you next,but I wouldn't miss it for all the gold on Deva."
"That's great!"
"... Of course, there's still a lot I can teach you, justlike there's a lot I have to learn from you."
"From me? "I blinked.
"Uh huh. I've been learning from you for some timenow, kid. I was just never up to admitting it before.You've got a way of dealing with people that gets yourespect, even from the ones who don't like you. Ihaven't always been able to get that. Lots of folks areafraid of me, but not that many respect me. That's whyI've been studying your methods, and have every intention of continuing."
"That's . . . umm . . . interesting, Aahz. But howcome you're telling me this now?"
"Because if I stay around, it'll be on one condition:
that you wake up and accept the fact that you're a fullpartner in our relationship. No more of this 'apprentice'crud. It's getting too rough on my nerves."
"Gee, Aahz... I..."
"Deal?"
"Deal."
168
We shook hands solemnly, and I remembered he hadrefused this simple act when he first accepted me as anapprentice. A full partner. Wow!
"Now what's the other thing?"
"Hmm, excuse me?"
"If I recall correctly, you said there were a couple ofthings bothering you. What's the other?"
"Well... it's this house."
"What about the house?" Aahz exploded, slippingeasily back into his old patterns. "It's got enough roomfor us and our friends and your bodyguards when theyshow up and Buttercup and Gleep and anyone else who
wanders by."
"That's true."
"What's more, we got it for free. It's a good deal."
"Say that again, Aahz."
"I said,'it's a good ...'Oh."
"From the Deveels, right?"
. "Oh come on, Skeeve. It's just a house. What could
be wrong?"
"To use your phrase, 'The mind boggles.' I've beentrying to spot the-catch, and I want you to check me tosee if my facts and logic are correct."
"Okay."
"Now. Deveels are experts at dimension travel. If Iunderstand it right, they manage these 'bigger insidethan outside' houses by offsetting the dimensions just abit. That is, if we numbered the dimensions, and Devawas one, then our door is in dimension one and the restof our house is in dimension one point four or something."
"Now that's one I hadn't thought about before,"Aahz admitted. "The Deveels have been pretty tight-lipped about it. Makes sense, though. It would be rough
169
to play the poverty-stricken shopowner with a place likethis just over your shoulder. If I had thought about it Iwould have realized a Deveel needs someplace secret tokeep his wealth."
"So we've effectively been given our own dimension," I continued; "An unlisted dimension that's allours. For free, no less."
"That's right," Aahz nodded, but there was a note ofdoubt in his voice now.
"What I wonder about is how many of these offsetdimensions do the Deveels have access to, and why isthis particular one standing vacant? What's in thisdimension?"
"Our house?" my mentor suggested tentatively.
"And what else?" I urged. "I've noticed there areno windows. What's outside our back door that theDeveels were so eager to give away?"
"Backdoor?"
I pulled away the tapestry to reveal the door I hadspotted during our first tour. It was heavy wood withstrange symbols painted on it. It also had a massivebeam guarding it, and several smaller but no lesseffective-looking locks around the edge.
"I tried to say something at the time, but you kepttelling me to shut up."
"I did, didn't I."
We both stared at the door in silence for several minutes.
"Tell you what," Aahz said softly. "Let's save investigating this for another day."
"Right," I agreed, without hesitation.
". . . And until we do, let's not mention this to theothers."
"My thoughts precisely."
170
"...And, partner?"
"Yes, Aahz?"
"If anyone knocks at this door, don't answer unlessI'm with you."
Our eyes met, and I let the tapestry fall back intoplace.
This Ace Book contains the complete
text of the original trade edition.
It has been completely reset in a typeface
designed for easy reading and was printed
from new film.
MYTH-ING PERSONS
An Ace book / published by arrangement with
Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers
PRINTING HISTORY
Donning edition published 1984
Ace edition / November 1986
All rights reserved.
Copyright 1984 by Robert L. Asprin.
Cover art by Walter Velez.
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.
ISBN: 0-441-55276-5
Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.
The name "ACE" and the "A" logo
are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
10 9 8 7
"Reputations are fine up to a point. After
that they become a pain!"
D.JUAN
THERE is something sinfully satisfying about doingsomething you know you aren't supposed to. This wasroughly my frame of mind as I approached a specificnondescript tent at the Bazaar at Deva with my breakfast under my arm ... guilty, but smug.
"Excuse me, young sahr!"
I turned to find an elderly Deveel waving desperatelyat me as he hurried forward. Normally I would haveavoided the encounter, as Deveels are always sellingsomething and at the moment I wasn't buying, but sinceI wasn't in a hurry I decided to hear what he had to say.
"I'm glad I caught you in time," he said, strugglingto catch his breath. "While I don't usually meddle, youreally don't want to go in there!"
"Why not? I was just...."
"Do you know who lives there?"
"Well, actually I thought...."
"That is the dwelling of the Great Skeeve!"
Robert Asprin
Something about this busybody irritated me. Maybeit was the way he never let me finish a sentence. Any-way, I decided to string him along for a while."
"The Great Skeeve?"
"You never heard of him?" The Deveel seemed genuinely shocked. "He's probably the most powerfulmagician at the Bazaar."
My opinion of the busybody soared to new heights,but the game was too much fun to abandon.
"I've never had too much faith in magicians," I saidwith studied casualness. "I've found for the most parttheir powers are overrated."
The oldster rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"That may be true in most cases, but not when itcomes to the Great Skeeve! Did you know he consortswith Demons and has a dragon for a familiar?"
I favored him with a worldly smile.
"So what? Deva is a crossroads of the dimensions.Dimension travelers, or Demons as you call them, arethe norm around here. As a Deveel, your main liveli-hood comes from dealing with Demons. As for thedragon, there's a booth not eight rows from here thatsells dragons to anyone with the price.''
"No, no! You don't understand! Of course we alldeal with Demons when it comes to business. The difference is that this Skeeve is actually friends with them. . . invites them into his home and lives with them. Oneof his permanent house guests is a Pervert, and I don'tknow of a single Deveel who would stoop that low.What's more, I've heard it said that he has underworldconnections."
The game was growing tiresome. Any points the
Deveel had made with his tribute to the Great Skeevehad been lost with interest when he started commentingon Demons.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 3
"Well, thank you for your concern," I said, holdingout my hand for a handshake. "I promise you I'll remember everything you've said. What was your nameagain?"
The Deveel grabbed my hand and began pumping itvigorously.
"I am Aliman, and glad to be of assistance," he saidwith an ingratiating smile. "If you really want to showyour gratitude, remember my name. Should you ever bein need of a reputable magician, I have a nephew who'sjust getting started in the business. I'm sure we could arrange some discount prices for you. Tell me, what isyour name so I can tell him who to watch for?"
I tightened my grip slightly and gave him my widestsmile. "Well, my friends call me Skeeve."
"I'll be sure to tell... SKEEVE?"
The Deveel's eyes widened, and his complexion fadedfrom red to a delicate pink.
"That's right," I said, retaining my grip on his hand."Oh, and for your information Demons from Perv arecalled Pervects, not Perverts . . . and he's not my houseguest, he's my partner."
The Deveel was struggling desperately now, trying tofree his hand.
"Now then, how many customers have you scared
away from my business with your tales about what afearsome person I am? "
The Deveel tore loose from my grip and vanished intothe crowds, sounding an incoherent scream of terror ashe went. In short, Aliman left. Right?
I watched him go with a certain amount of mischie-vous satisfaction. I wasn't really angry, mind you. Weliterally had more money than we could use right now,so I didn't begrudge him the customers. Still, I hadnever really paused to consider how formidable our
4 Robert Asprin
operation must look from the outside. Viewing it nowthrough a stranger's eyes, I found myself more than alittle pleased. Considering the dubious nature of mybeginning, we had built ourselves quite a reputation
over the last few years.
I had been serious when I told Aliman that I didn't
have much faith in magicians. My own reputation wasoverrated to say the least, and if I was being billed as apowerful magician, it made the others of my professionmore than a little suspect in my eyes. After several yearsof seeing the inside of the magic business, I was startingto wonder if any magician was really as good as people
thought.
I was so wrapped up in these thoughts as I entered our
humble tent that I had completely forgotten that I wassuppoised to be sneaking in. I was reminded almost immediately.
The reminder came in the form of a huge man who
loomed up to block my path. "Boss," he said in asqueaky little voice that was always surprising comingfrom such a huge body, "you shouldn't ought to go outalone like that. How many times we got to tell you...."
"It's all right, Nunzio," I said, trying to edge aroundhim. "I just ducked out to get some breakfast. Want a
bagel?"
Nunzio was both unconvinced and undaunted in his
scolding.
"How are we supposed to be your bodyguards if you
keep sneaking off alone every chance you get? Do youknow what Don Bruce would do to us if anything happened to you?"
"C'mon, Nunzio. You know how things are here at
the Bazaar. If the Deveels see me with a bodyguard, theprice of everything goes through the ceiling. Besides, I
MYTH-ING PERSONS 5
like being able to wander around on my own once in a
while."
"You can afford the higher prices. What you can'tafford is to set yourself up as a target for every bozowho wants the rep of bagging the Great Skeeve."
I started to argue, but my conversation with Alimanflashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There weretwo sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed therumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, theywould muster such firepower for the attempt that myodds for survival would be nonexistent.
"Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but inall honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a
magical attack on me?"
"Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probablytry to knock off your bodyguards first, and that mightgive you time to get away or hit them yourself beforethey could muster a second attack."
He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sunrises in the east," but it shook me. It had never reallyoccurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or howreadily they accept the dangers of their profession.
"I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with acertain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I thinkI owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido,
anyway?"
"Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned."As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break itup when I found you had snuck out again."
"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
"What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing untilyou get there. I figured it was more important to convince you to quit going out alone."
I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the
6 Robert Asprin
futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio.
"Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get
upstairs before those two kill each other."
With that I headed across the courtyard for the foun-tain stairs to our offices....
Courtyard? Fountain stairs?
What happened to the humble tent I was walking into
a minute ago?
Weelll... I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little
stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on theoutside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces thatweren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take anycredit for this particular miracle, though, other than thefact that it was my work that helped earn us our currentresidence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the DevanMerchants Association as partial payment for a littlejob we did for them a while back. That's also how I gotmy bodyguards ... but that's another story,
Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. Forthe uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimension I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of theshrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. Youmay have heard of them. In my own home dimensionthey were called devils, but I have since learned theproper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my graciousliving quarters are the result of my partner and I beatingthe Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we gotthe better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me acushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been
had.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;
fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by thestables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisison my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's
MYTH-ING PERSONS 7
company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragonAliman was talking about. . . and I'm not going to tryto condense that story. It's just too complicated.
Long before I reached the offices I could hear theirvoices raised in their favorite "song." The lyricschanged from time to time, but I knew the melody byheart.
"Incompetent bungler!"
"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"
"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"
"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are theboss's partner, one more word and I'll...."
"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest placeto be would be where you're aiming."
"Izzatso?"
It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the
fracas.
"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware ofwhat was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"
"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering response from one combatant. "What I want is some de-cent help."
"... and while you're at it see what you can do aboutgetting me a little respect!" the other countered.
The latter comment came from Guido, senior of mytwo bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastierthan his cousin Nunzio.
The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz ismy partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he'seasily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.
My strategy had worked in that I now had their annoyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,realizing the potential devastation of their respective
8 Robert Asprin
temperaments individually, much less collectively, I hadcause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.
"What seems to be the trouble?"
"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;
bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."
My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and Ihave more money than we know what to do with, butold habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've evermet when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :
lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i
long time. I"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for
time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in
the middle of breakfast..."
"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated
scornfully.
"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that thereare some customers waiting downstairs in reception. Icalled back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my
meal."
"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You
can't expect customers to...."
"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for oneround? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go forhim. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what happened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?"Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account."Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers werenowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here wouldbe able to stall them or at least have the sense to call forreinforcements if they started getting twitchy."
MYTH-ING PERSONS
"C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a bodyguard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired ofwaiting for you to show up and left, I don't see whereyou can dodge the blame by shifting it to...."
"Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point.They didn't leave!"
"Come again?"
"I left 'em there in the reception room, and the nextthing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for los-ing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say,I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we'vegot some extra people wandering the premises, and allthis slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."
"I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare."There are only two ways out of that reception room,and they didn't come past me!"
"Well they didn't come past me!" Guido countered.
I started to get a very cold feeling in my stomach.
"Aahz, "I said softly.
"If you think I don't know when...."
"AAHZ!"
That brought him up short. He turned to me with anangry retort on his lips, then he saw my expression.
"What is it, Skeeve? You look as if...."
"There are more than two ways out of that room."
We stared at each other in stunned silence for a fewmoments, then we both sprinted for the reception room,leaving Guido to trail along behind.
The room we had selected for our reception area wasone of the largest in the place, and the only large roomwith easy access from the front door. It was furnished ina style lavish enough to impress even those customersspoiled by the wonders of the Bazaar who were expecting to see the home office of a successful magician.There was only one problem with it, and that was the
10
Robert Asprin
focus of our attention as we dashed in.
The only decoration that we had kept from the previous owners was an ornate tapestry hanging on the northwall. Usually I'm faster than Aahz, but this time he beatme to the hanging, sweeping it aside with his arm to re-veal a heavy door behind it.
Our worst fears were realized.
The door was unlocked and standing ajar.
"Success often hinges on choosing a
reliable partner."
REMUS
"WHAT'S that?" Guido demanded, taking advantage ofour stunned silence.
"It's a door," I said.
"An open door, to be specific," Aahz supplied.
"I can see that for myself!" the bodyguard roared. "Imeant what is it doing here?"
"It would look pretty silly standing alone in the mid-dle of the street now, wouldn't it?" Aahz shot back.
Guido purpled. As I've said, these two have a positivetalent for getting under each other's skins.
"Now look, all I'm askin'...."
"Guido, could you just hang on for a few minutesuntil we decide what to do next? Then we'll explain, Ipromise."
My mind was racing over the problem, and havingAahz and Guido going at each other did nothing for myconcentration.
"I think the first thing we should do, partner," Aahz
11
12 Robert Asprin
said thoughtfully, "is to get the door closed so that wewon't be... interrupted while we work this out."
Rather than answer, I reached out a cautious toe andpushed the door shut. Aahz quickly slipped two of thebolts in place to secure it.
That done, we leaned against the door and looked ateach other in silence.
"Well? What do you think?" I asked at last.
"I'm in favor of sealing it up again and forgetting thewhole thing."
"Think it's safe to do that?"
"Don't know, really. Not enough information."
We both turned slowly to level thoughtful stares atGuido.
"Say, uh, Guido, could you tell us a little more aboutthose customers who came in this morning?"
"Nothing doin'." Guido crossed his arms. "You'rethe guys who insist on 'information for information.'Right? Well, I'm not telling you anything more untilsomebody tells me about that door. I mean, I'm supposed to be your bodyguard and nobody bothers to tellme there's another way into this place?"
Aahz bared his teeth and started forward, but Icaught him by the shoulder.
"He's right, partner. If we want his help, we owe himan explanation."
We locked eyes again for a moment, then he shruggedand retreated.
"Actually, Guido, the explanation is very sim-ple. ..."
"That'll be a first," the bodyguard grumbled.
In a bound, Aahz was across the room and had Guidoby the shirt front.
"You wanted an explanation? Then SHUT UP AND
LET HIM EXPLAIN!"
MYTH-ING PERSONS 13
Now Guido is no lightweight, and he's never beenshort in the courage department. Still, there's nothingquite like Aahz when he's really mad.
"0Okay! Sorry! Go ahead. Boss. I'm listening."Aahz released his grip and returned to his place by the
door, winking at me covertly as he went.
"What happened is this," I said, hiding a smile.
"Aahz and I found that door when we first moved in
here. We didn't like the looks of it, so we decided to
leave it alone. That's all."
"That's all!? A back door that even you admit looksdangerous and all you do is ignore it? And if that wasn'tbad enough, you don't even bother to tell your bodyguards about it? Of all the lamebrained, half...."
Aahz cleared his throat noisily, and Guido regainedcontrol of himself... rapidly.
"Aahh . . . what I mean to say is ... oh well. That'sall behind us now. Could you give me a little more information now that the subject's out in the open?What's on the other side of that door, anyway?""We don't know," I admitted.
"YOU DON'T KNOW?" Guido shrieked.
"What we do know," Aahz interrupted hastily, "iswhat isn't on the other side. What isn't there is any dimension we know about."
Guido blinked, then shook his head. "I don't get it.Could you run that past me again ... real slow?"
"Let me try," I said. "Look, Guido, you alreadyknow about dimensions, right? How we're living in thedimension Deva, which is an entirely different worldthan our own home dimension of Klah? Well, thepeople here, the Deveels, are masters of dimensiontravel to a point where they build their houses across thedimension barriers. That's how come this place is biggeron the inside than it is on the outside. The door is in
14 Robert Asprin
Deva, but the rest of the house is in another dimension.That means if we go through that door, the back doorthat we've just shown you, we'd be in another world ...one we know nothing about. That's why we were willingto leave it sealed up rather than stick our noses out into
a completely unknown situation."
"I still think you should have checked it out," the
bodyguard insisted stubbornly.
"Think again," Aahz supplied. "You've only seen
two dimensions. Skeeve here has visited a dozen. I'vebeen to over a hundred myself. The Deveels you see hereat the Bazaar, on the other hand, know over a thousand
different dimensions."
"So?"
"So we think they gave us this place because it opens
into a dimension that they don't want. . . 'don't want'as in 'scared to death of. Now, you've seen what aDeveel will brave to turn a profit. Do you want to go ex-ploring in a world that's too mean for them to face?"
"I see what you mean."
"Besides." Aahz finished triumphantly, "take another look at that door. It's got more locks and bolts
than three ordinary bank vaults."
"Somebody opened it," Guido said pointedly.
That took some of the wind out of Aahz's sails.
Despite himself, he shot a nervous glance at the door."Well... a good thief with a lockpick working from
this side...."
"Some of these locks weren't picked, Aahz."
I had been taking advantage of their discussion to do a little snooping, and now held up one of my discoveriesfor their inspection. It was a padlock with the metalshackle snapped off. There were several of them scattered about, as if someone had gotten impatient with the
MYTH-ING PERSONS 15
lockpick and simply torn the rest of them apart with hishands.
Guido pursed his lips in a silent whistle. "Man, that'sstrong. What kind of person could do that?"
"That's what we've been trying to get you to tell us,"Aahz said nastily. "Now, if you don't mind, what werethose customers like?"
"Three of them . . . two men and a woman . . . fairlyyoung-looking, but nothing special. Klahds by the lookof 'em. Come to think of it, they did seem a bit nervous,but I thought it was just because they were coming to seea magician."
"Well, now they're on the other side of the door."Aahz scooped up one of the undamaged locks andsnapped it into place. "I don't think they can picklocks, or break them if they can't reach 'em. They'rethere, which is their problem, self-inflicted I might add,and we're here. End of puzzle. End of problem."
"Do you really think so, Aahz?"
"Trust me."
Somehow that phrase struck a familiar chord in mymemory, and the echoes weren't pleasant. I was aboutto raise this point with Aahz when Nunzio poked hishead in the door.
"Hey, Boss. You got visitors."
"See?" my partner exclaimed, beaming. "I told youthings could only get better! It's not even noon andwe've got more customers."
"Actually," Nunzio clarified, "it's a delegation ofDeveels. I think it's the landlord."
"The landlord?" Aahz echoed hollowly.
"See how much better things have gotten?" I saidwith a disgusted smirk. "And it's not even noon."
"Shall I run 'em off, Boss?" Guido suggested.
16 Robert Asprin
"I think you'd better see \*em," Nunzio advised."They seem kind'a upset. Something about us harboring fugitives."
Aahz and I locked gazes in silence, which was only
natural as there was nothing more to be said. With avague wave that bordered on a nervous tick, I motioned
for Nunzio to show the visitors in.
As expected, it was the same delegation of four fromthe Devan Chamber of Commerce who had originallyhired us to work for the Bazaar, headed by our old adversary, Hay-ner. Last time we dealt with him, we hadhim over a barrel and used the advantage mercilessly.While he had agreed to our terms, I always suspected ithad hurt his Devan pride to cut such a generous deal andthat he had been waiting ever since to pay us back. Fromthe smile on his face as he entered our reception room, itappeared he felt his chance had finally come.
"Aahh, Master Skeeve," he said. "How good of youto see us so promptly without an appointment. I knowhow busy you are, so I'll come right to the point. Ibelieve there are certain individuals in residence herethat our organization is most anxious to speak with. Ifyou would be so kind as to summon them, we won't
trouble you further."
"Wait a minute, Hay-ner," Aahz put in before I
could respond. "What makes you think the people
you're looking for are here?"
"Because they were seen entering your tent less than
an hour ago and haven't come out yet," said the largest
of Hay-ner's back-up team.
I noticed that unlike Hay-ner, he wasn't smiling. In
fact, he looked downright angry.
"He must mean the ones who came in earlier," Nun-zio suggested helpfully. "You know. Boss, the two guys
with the broad."
MYTH-ING PERSONS
17
Aahz rolled his eyes in helpless frustration, and foronce I was inclined to agree with him.
"Umm, Nunzio," I said, staring at the ceiling, "whydon't you and Guido wait outside while we take care ofthis?"
The two bodyguards trooped outside in silence,though I noticed that Guido glared at his cousin withsuch disdain that I suspected a stern dressing-downwould take place even before I could get to him myself.The Mob is no more tolerant than magicians of staffmembers who say more than they should in front of theopposition.
"Now that we've established that we all know whowe're talking about and that they're here," Hay-nersaid, rubbing his hands together, "call them out andwe'll finish this once and for all."
"Not so fast," I interrupted. "First of all, neither ofus have laid eyes on those folks you're looking for,because, second of all, they aren't here. They took it onthe lam out the back door before we could meet them."
"Somehow, I don't expect you to take our word forit," Aahz added. "So feel free to search the place."
The Deveel's smile broadened, and I was conscious ofcold sweat breaking out on my brow.
"That won't be necessary. You see, whether I believeyou or not is of little consequence. Even if we searched,I'm sure you would be better at hiding things than wewould be at finding them. All that really matters is thatwe've established that they did come in here, and thatmakes them .your responsibility."
I wasn't sure exactly what was going on here, but Iwas sure that I was liking it less and less with each passing moment.
"Wait a minute, Hay-ner," I began. "What do youmean 'We're responsible'? Responsible for what?"
18 Robert Asprin ;
"Why, for the fugitives, of course. Don't you remem- |ber? When we agreed to let you use this place rent-free,part of the deal was that if anyone of this householdbroke any of the Bazaar rules, and either disappearedoff to another dimension or. otherwise refused to face ;
the charges, that you would personally take responsibility for their actions. It's a standard clause in any Bazaar
lease."
"Aahz," I said testily, "you cut the deal. Was there a
clause like that in it?" |
"There was," he admitted. "But I was thinking ofTananda and Chumley at the time . . . and we'll standbehind them anytime. Massha, too. It never occurred tome that they'd try to claim that anyone who walkedthrough our door was a member of our household. Idon't see how they can hope to prove...."
"We don't have to prove that they're in your household," Hay-ner smiled. "You have to prove they
aren't." I"That's crazy," Aahz exploded. "How can we |
prove...." I
"Can it, Aahz. We can't prove it. That's the point. |All right, Hay-ner. You've got us. Now what exactlyhave these characters done that we're responsible forand what are our options? I thought one of the big salespoints of the Bazaar was that there weren't any rules
here."
"There aren't many," the Deveel said, "but the fewthat do exist are strictly enforced. The specific rule yourfriends broke involves fraud."
He quickly held up a hand to suppress my retort."I know what you're going to say. Fraud sounds likea silly charge with all the hard bargaining that goes onhere at the Bazaar, but to us it's a serious matter. Whilewe pride ourselves in driving a hard bargain, once the
MYTH-ING PERSONS 19
deal is made you get the goods you were promised.Sometimes there are specific details omitted in describ-ing the goods, but anything actually said is true. That isour reputation and the continued success of the Bazaardepends on that reputation being scrupulously maintained. If a trader or merchant sells something claimingit to be magical and it turns out to have no powers at all,that's fraud ... and if the perpetrators are allowed to gounpunished, it could mean the end of the Bazaar as weknow it."
"Actually," I said drily, "all I was going to do wasprotest you billing them as our friends, but I'll let it go.What you haven't mentioned is our options."
Hay-ner shrugged. "There are only three, really. Youcan pay back the money they took falsely plus a twenty-five percent fine, accept permanent banishment fromthe Bazaar, or you can try to convince your fraahh, Imean the fugitives to return to the Bazaar to settle matters themselves."
"I see . . . Very well. You've had your say. Nowplease leave so my partner and I can discuss our positionon the matter."
Aahz took care of seeing them out while I plungedinto thought as to what we should do. When he returned, we both sat in silence for the better part of anhour before either of us spoke.
"Well," I said at last, "what do you think?"
"Banishment from the Bazaar is out!" Aahz snarled."Not only would it destroy our reputations, I'm notabout to get run out of the Bazaar and our home oversomething as idiotic as this!"
"Agreed," I said grimly. "Even though it occurs tome that Hay-ner is bluffing on that option. He wants usto stick around the Bazaar as much as we want to stay.He was the one who hired us in the first place, remem---
Robert Asprin
20
ber? I think he's expecting us to ante up and pay themoney. That way he gets back some of the squeeze he sogrudgingly parted with. Somehow the idea of giving into that kind of pressure really galls me."
Aahz nodded. "Me too."
There followed several more minutes of silence."Okay," Aahz said finally, "who's going to say it?""We're going to have to go after them." I sighed."Half right," Aahz corrected. "I'm going to have togo after them. Partner or not, we're talking about hitting a totally new dimension here, and it's too dangerous for someone at your level of magical skill."
"My level? How about you? You don't have any
powers at all. If it's too dangerous for me, what's supposed to keep you safe?"
"Experience," he said loftily. "I'm used to doing
this, and you aren't. End of argument."
" 'End of argument' nothing! Just how do you pro-pose to leave me behind if I don't agree?"
"That's easy," Aahz grinned. "See who's standing in
the corner?"
I turned to look where he was pointing, and that's the
last thing I remembered for a long time.
"Reliable information is a must for successful planning."
C. COLUMBUS
"HEY! Hot stuff! Wake up!! You okay?"
If I led a different kind of life, those words wouldhave been uttered by a voluptuous vision of femaleloveliness. As it was, they were exclaimed by Massha.
This was one of the first things that penetrated thefogginess of my mind as I struggled to regain consciousness. I'm never at my best first thing in the morning, even when I wake up leisurely of my own accord.Having wakefulness forced upon me by someone elseonly guarantees that my mood will be less than pleasant.
However groggy I might be feeling, though, there wasno mistaking the fact that it was Massha shaking meawake. Even through unfocused eyes, her form wasunmistakable. Imagine, if you will, the largest, fattestwoman you've ever met. Now expand that image byfifty percent in all directions, top it off with garishorange hair, and false eyelashes and purple lipstick, andadorn it with a wheelbarrow load of gaudy jewelry. See
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22
what I mean? I could recognize Massha a mile away ona dark night... blindfolded.
"Of course I'm okay, apprentice'." I snarled. "Don'tyou have any lessons you're supposed to be practicingor something?"
"Are you sure? she pressed mercilessly.
"Yes, I'm sure. Why do you ask? Can't a fellow takea little nap without being badgered about it?"
"It's just that you don't usually take naps in themiddle of the reception room floor."
That got my attention, and I forced my eyes intofocus. She was right! For some reason I was sprawledout on the floor. Now what could have possessed me
to....
Then it all came back! Aahz! The expedition into the
new dimension!
I sat bolt upright. . . and regretted it immediately. Ablinding headache assaulted me with icepick intensity,and my stomach flipped over and landed on its backwith all the grace of a lump of overcooked oatmeal.
Massha caught me by the shoulder as I started to list.
"Steady there, High Roller. Looks like your idea of'okay' and mine are a little out of synch."
Ignoring her, I felt the back of my head cautiouslyand discovered a large, tender lump behind my ear. If Ihad had any doubts as to what had happened, they were
gone now.
"That bloody Pervert!" I said, flinching at the newwave of pain brought on by the sound of my own voice."He must have knocked me out and gone in alone!"
"You mean Aahz? Dark, green, and scaly himself? Idon't get it. Why would your own partner sucker-punch
you?"
"So he could go through the door without me. I made;
MYTH-ING PERSONS
23
it very clear that I didn't want to be left behind on thiscaper."
"Door? What door?" Massha said with a frown. "Iknow you two have your secrets, Boss, but I think you'dbetter fill me in on a few more details as to exactlywhat's going on around here."
As briefly as I could, I brought her up to date on theday's events, including the explanation as to why Aahzand I had never said anything about the house's mysterious back door. Being a seasoned dimension travelerherself, she grasped the concept of an unlisted dimension and its potential dangers much more rapidly thanGuide and Nunzio.
"What I don't understand is even if he didn't wantyou along, why didn't he take someone else as a back-up?"
"Like who?" I said with a wry grimace. "We've
already established that you're my apprentice and hedoesn't give you orders without clearing them throughme. He's never been impressed with Guido and Nunzio.Tananda and Chumley are off on their own contractsand aren't due back for several days. Even Gus is takinga well-earned vacation with Berfert. Besides, he knowsgood and well that if he started building a team andexcluded me, there'd be some serious problems before
the dust settled. I wouldn't take something like thatlying down!"
"Don't look now, but you just did," my apprenticepointed out dryly, "though I have to admit he sort offorced it on you."
With that, she slid a hand under each of my armpitsand picked me up, setting me gently on my feet.
"Well, now what? I supposed you're going to gocharging after him with blood in your eye. Mind if I tag
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Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 25
along? Or are you bound and determined to be as stupidas he is?"
As a matter of fact, that was exactly what I had beenplanning to do. The undisguised sarcasm in her voicecombined with the unsettling wobbliness of my legs,however, led me to reconsider.
"No," I said carefully. "One of us blundering
around out there is enough ... or one too many, depending on how you count it. While I still think I shouldhave gone along, Aahz has dealt this hand, so it's up tohim to play it out. It's up to me to mind the store untilhe gets back."
Massha cocked an eyebrow at me.
"That makes sense," she said, "though I'll admit I'ma little surprised to hear you say it."
"I'm a responsible businessman now." I shrugged."I can't afford to go off half-cocked like a rash kid anymore. Besides, I have every confidence in my partner'sability to handle things."
Those were brave words, and I meant them. Two dayslater, however, this particular 'responsible businessman' was ready to go off fully cocked. Guido and Nun-zio ceased to complain about my sneaking off alone . . .mostly because I didn't go out at all! In fact, I spentmost of my waking hours and all of my sleeping hours(though I'll admit I didn't sleep much) in the receptionroom on the off-chance that I could greet Aahz on histriumphant return.
Unfortunately, my vigil went unrewarded.
I did my best to hide my concern, but I needn't havebothered. As the hours marched on, my staff's worriesgrew until most of my time was spent telling them, "No,he isn't back yet. When he gets here, I'll let you know."Even Guido, who never really got along with Aahz,
took to stopping by at least once an hour for a no-prog-ress report.
Finally, as a salve for my own nerves, I called everyone into the reception room for a staff meeting.
"What I want to know is how long are we just goingto sit around before we admit that something's gonewrong?" Guido muttered for the fifth time.
"How long do you figure it takes to find a fugitive ina strange dimension?" I shot back. "How long would ittake you to find them if they were on Klah, Guido?We've got to give him some time."
"How much time?" he countered. "It's already beentwo days...."
"Tananda and Chumley will be back any time now,"Massha interrupted. "Do you think they'll just sitaround on their hands when they find out that Aahz isout there all alone?"
"I thought you were the one who thought that goingafter him was a stupid idea?"
"I still do. Now do you want to know what I think ofthe idea of doing nothingi"
Before I could answer, a soft knock sounded at thedoor ... the back door!
"See!" I crowed triumphantly. "I told you he wouldbe back!"
"That doesn't sound like his knock," Guido observed suspiciously.
"And why should he knock?" Massha added. "The
door hasn't been locked since he left."
In my own relief and enthusiasm, their remarks wentunnoticed. In a flash I was at the door, wrenching itopen while voicing the greeting I had been rehearsingfor two days.
"It's about time, part... ner."
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MYTH-ING PERSONS 27
Robert Asprin
It wasn't Aahz.
In fact, the being outside the door didn't look anything at all like Aahz. What was doubly surprising,though, was that I recognized her!
We had never really met. . . not to exchange names,but shortly after meeting Aahz I had been strung up byan angry mob while impersonating her, and I had seenher in the crowd when I successfully "interviewed" forthe job of court magician at Possletum.
What I had never had a chance to observe first-handwas her radiant complexion framed by waves of sun-gold hair, or the easy grace with which she carried herself, or the....
"It's the Great Skeeve, right? Behind the open
mouth?"
Her voice was so musical it took me a few moments tozero in on what she had said and realize that she was expecting an answer.
"Aahh ... yes. I mean, at your service,"
"Glad to finally meet you face-to-face," she saidbriskly, glancing at Guido and Massha nervously. "I'vebeen looking for an excuse for a while, and I guess thisis it. Got some news for you . . . about your apprentice."
I was still having problems focusing on what she wassaying. Not only was her voice mesmerizing, she waseasily the loveliest woman I had ever met. . . well, girlactually. She couldn't have been much older than me.What's more, she seemed to like me. That is, she keptsmiling hesitantly and her deep blue eyes never leftmine. Now, I had gotten respect from my colleaguesand from beings at the Bazaar who knew my reputation,but never from anyone who looked like ....
Then her words sank in.
"My apprentice?"
I stole an involuntary glance at Massha before I realized the misunderstanding.
"Oh, you mean Aahz. He's not my apprentice anymore. He's my partner. Please come in. We were justtalking about him."
I stood to one side of the door and invited her in witha grand sweeping gesture. I'd never tried it before, but Ihad seen it used a couple of times while I was workingthe court at Possletum, and it had impressed me.
"UmmBoss? Could I talk to you for a minute?"
"Later, Guido."
I repeated the gesture, and the girl responded with aquick smile that lit up the room.
"Thanks for the invite," she said, "but I'll have totake a rain check. I really can't stay. In fact, I shouldn'tbe here at all. I just thought that someone should let youknow that your friend . . . Aahz is it? Anyway, yourfriend is in jail."
That brought me back to earth in a hurry.
"Aahz? In jail? For what?"
"Murder."
"MURDER!" I shrieked, dropping all attempts to beurbane. "But Aahz wouldn't.. .."
"Don't shout at me! Oh, I knew I shouldn't havecome. Look, I know he didn't do it. That's why I had tolet you know what was going on. If you don't do something, they're going to execute him . . . and they knowhow to execute demons over here."
I spun around to face the others.
"Massha! Go get your jewelry case. Guido, Nunzio!Gear up. We're going to pay a little call on our neighbors."
I tried to keep my voice calm and level, but somehowthe words came out a bit more intense than I had intended.
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Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 29
"Not so fast. Boss," Guido said. "There's somethingyou oughta know first."
"Later. I want you to...."
"NOW, Boss. It's important!"
"WHAT IS IT!"
Needless to say, I was not eager to enter into any prolonged conversations just now.
"She's one of'em."
"I beg your pardon?"
"The three that went out through the back door. Theones your partner is chasing. She's the broad."
Thunderstruck, I turned to the girl for confirmation,only to find the doorway was empty. My mysteriousvisitor had disappeared as suddenly as she had arrived.
"This could be a trap, you know," Massha said
thoughtfully.
"She's right." Guido nodded. "Take it from someone who's been on the lam himself. When you're running from the law and there are only a couple of peoplewho can find you, it gets real tempting to eliminate thatlink. We've only got her word that your partner's in
trouble."
"It wouldn't take a mental giant to figure out thatyou and Aahz are the most likely hunters for the Deveelsto hire. After all, they knew whose house they were cutting through for their getaway," Massha added.Guido rose to his feet and started pacing.
"Right," he said. "Now suppose they've got Aahz.Can you think of a better way to bag the other half ofthe pair than by feeding you a line about your partnerbeing in trouble so you'll come charging into whatevertrap they've laid out? The whole set-up stinks, Boss. Idon't know about strange dimensions, but I do knowabout criminals. As soon as you step through that door,you're gonna be a sitting duck."
"Are you quite through?"
Even to my ears my voice sounded icy, but for achange I didn't care.
Guido and Massha exchanged glances, then noddedsilently.
"Very well. You may be right, and I appreciate yourconcern for my well-being. HOWEVER ..."
My voice sank to a deadly hiss.
". . . what if you're wrong? What if our fugitive istelling the truth? You've all been on my case about notdoing anything to help Aahz. Do you really think I'mjust going to sit here while my partner AND friendburns for a crime he didn't commit ... on the off-chance that getting involved might be dangerous tome?"
With great effort I forced my tones back to normal.
"In ten minutes I'm going through that door afterAahz . . . and if I'm walking into a trap, it had better bea good one. Now do any of you want to come with me,or am I going it alone?"
"It's useless to try to plan for the unexpected ... by definition!"
A. HITCHCOCK
ACTUALLY, it was more like an hour before we werereally ready to go, though for me it seemed like a lotlonger. Still, even I had to admit that not taking theproper preparations for this venture would not only befoolish, it would be downright suicidal!
It was decided that Nunzio would stay behind so therewould be someone at our base to let Tananda andChumley know what was going on when they returned.Needless to say, he was less than thrilled by the assignment.
"But I'm supposed to be your bodyguard!" he ar-gued. "How'm I supposed to guard you if I'm sittin'back here while you're on the front lines?"
"By being sure our support troops get the information they need to follow us," I said.
As much as I disliked having to argue with Nunzio, Iwould rather dig in my heels against half a dozen Mob-type bodyguards than have to explain to Tananda and
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Chumley why they weren't included in this rescue mission.
"We could leave a note."
"No."
"We could...."
"NO! I want you here. Is that plain enough?"
The bodyguard heaved a heavy sigh. "Okay, Boss.I'll hang in here until they show up. Then the three of uswill...."
"No!" I said again. "Then Tananda and Chumley
will come in after us. You're going to stay here."
"But Boss...."
"Because if Hay-ner and his crew show up again,someone has to be here to let them know we're on thejob and that we haven't just taken off for the talltimber. Assuming for the moment that we're going tomake it back, we need our exit route, and you're goingto be here making sure it stays open. All we need is forour hosts to move in a new tenant while we're gone . . .say, someone who decides to brick up this door whilewe're on the other side."
Nunzio thought this through in silence.
"What if you don't come back?" he asked finally.
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Isighed. "But remember, we aren't that easy to kill. Atleast one of us will probably make it back."
Fortunately, my mind was wrenched away from thatunpleasant train of thought by the arrival of Guido.
"Ready to go. Boss."
Despite the desperateness of the situation and thehaunting time pressures, I found myself gaping at him.
"What's that?" I managed at last.
Guido was decked out in a long dark coat and wearing a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses.
"These? These are my work clothes," he said
32 Robert Asprin
proudly. "They're functional as well as decorative."
"They're what?"
"What I mean is, not only do people find 'em in-timidating, the trench coat has all these little pockets in-side, see? That's where I carry my hardware."
"But...."
"Hi, Hot Stuff. Nice outfit, Guido."
"Thanks! I was just telling the Boss here about it."
Massha was dressed ... or should I say undressed inher work clothes. A brief vest struggled to cover evenpart of her massive torso, while an even briefer bottomwas on the verge of surrendering its battle completely.
"Ummm .. . Massha?" I said carefully. "I've alwaysmeant to ask. Why don't you . . . ummm . . . wearmore?"
"I like to dress cool when we're going into a hot situation," she winked. "You see, when things speed up, Iget a little nervous . . . and the only thing worse thanhavin' a fat broad around is havin' a sweaty fat broadaround."
"I think it's a sexy outfit," Guido chimed in. "Reminds me of the stuff my old man's moll used to wear."
"Well thanks. Dark and Deadly. I'd say your oldman had good taste ... but I never tasted him."
I studied them thoughtfully as they shared a laughover Massha's joke. Any hope of a quiet infiltration ofthis unknown dimension was rapidly disintegrating.Either Guido or Massha alone was eye-catching, buttogether they were about as inconspicuous as a circusparade and an army maneuver sharing the same road.Then it occurred to me that, not knowing what thingswere like where we were heading, they might fit in and /would stand out. It was a frightening thought. If everybody there looked like this....
I forced the thought from my mind. No use scaring
MYTH-ING PERSONS 33
myself any more than I had to before there was information to back it up. What was important was thatmy two assistants were scared. They were trying hardnot to show it, but in doing so, each was dropping intoold patterns, slipping behind old character masks.Guido was playing his "tough gangster" bit to the hilt,while Massha was once more assuming her favorite"vamp" character with a vengeance. The bottom line,though, was that, scared or not, they were willing toback my move or die trying. It would have been touching, if it weren't for the fact that it meant they werecounting on me for leadership. That meant I had to staycalm and confident... no matter how scared I felt my-self. It only occurred to me as an afterthought that, inmany ways, leadership was the mask / was learning toslip behind when things got tight. It made me wonderbriefly if anyone ever really knew what they were doingor felt truly confident, or if life was simply a mass gameof role-playing.
"Okay. Are we ready?" I asked, shrugging off mywandering thoughts. "Massha? Got your jewelry?"
"Wearing most of it, and the rest is right here," shesaid, patting the pouch on her belt.
While I will occasionally make snide mental comments about my apprentice's jewelry, it serves a dualpurpose. Massha's baubles are in reality a rather extensive collection of magical gimmicks she has accumulatedover the years. How extensive? Well, before she signedon as my apprentice to learn real magic, she was holdingdown a steady job as the magician for the city-state ofTa-hoe on the dimension of Jahk solely on the strengthof her collected mechanical "powers." While I agreedwith Aahz that real magic was preferable to mechanicalin that it was less likely to malfunction (a lesson learnedfrom first-hand experience) I sure didn't mind having
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her arsenal along for back-up.
"You know that tracking ring? The one you used tofind the king? Any chance there's an extra tucked awayin your pouch?"
"Only have the one," she said, waggling the ap-propriate finger.
I cursed mentally, then made the first of what I fearedwould be many unpleasant decisions on this venture.
"Give it to Nunzio. Tananda and Chumley will needit to find us."
"But if we leave it behind, how are we going to findyour partner?"
"We'll have to figure out something, but we can'tafford to divide our forces. Otherwise, even if we getAahz, we could still end up wandering around out theretrying to find the other half of the rescue team."
"If you say so. Hot Stuff," she grimaced, handingover the ring, "but I hope you know what you'redoing."
"So do I, Massha, so do I. Okay, gang, let's see whatour backyard is really like!"
From the outside, our place looked a lot more impressive than the side that showed in the Bazaar. It really didlook like a castle ... a rather ominous one at that,squatting alone on a hilltop. I really didn't study it tooclose, though, beyond being able to recognize it againfor our trip out. As might be expected, my main attention was focused on the new dimension itself.
"Kinda dark, ain't it."
Guide's comment was more statement than question,and he was right.
Wherever we were, the lighting left a lot to be desired.At first I thought it was night, which puzzled me, as sofar in my travels all dimensions seemed to be on the
same sun-up and sundown schedule. Then my eyesadjusted to the gloom and I realized the sky was simplyheavily overcast... to a point where next to no light atall penetrated, giving a night-like illusion to the day.
Aside from that, from what I could see, this new landseemed pretty much like any of the others I had visited:
Trees, underbrush, and a road leading to or from thecastle, depending on which way you were facing. I thinkit was Tananda who was fond of saying "If you've seenone dimension, you've seen them all." Chumley, herbrother, argued that the reason for the geologic similarities was that all the dimensions we traveled were different realities off the same base. This always struck me asbeing a bit redundant . . . "They're all alike becausethey're the same? C'mon Chumley!", but his rebuttalsalways left me feeling like I'd been listening to someonedoing readings in another language, so of late I've beentending to avoid the discussions.
"Well, Hot Stuff, what do we do now?"
For a change, I had an answer for this infuriatingquestion.
"This road has to go somewhere. Just the fact that itexists indicates we aren't alone in this dimension."
"I thought we already knew that," Guido said underhis breath. "That's why we're here."
I gave him my best dark glare.
"I believe there was some debate as to whether or notwe were being lied to about Aahz being held prisoner. Ifthere's a road here, it's a cinch that neither my partnernor the ones he was chasing built it. That means we havenative types to deal with . .. possibly hostile."
"Right," Massha put in quickly. "Put a sock in it,Guido. I want to hear our plan of action, and I don'tlike being kept waiting by hecklers."
The bodyguard frowned, but kept his silence.
36 Robert Asprin
"Okay. Now, what we've got to do is follow this roadand find out where it goes. Hug the side of the road andbe ready to disappear if you hear anybody coming. Wedon't know what the locals look like, and until I have amodel to work from, it's pointless for me to try to disguise us."
With those general marching orders, we made ourway through the dark along the road, moving quietly toavoid tipping our hand to anyone ahead of us. In a shorttime we came up to our first decision point. The road wewere on ended abruptly when it met another, muchlarger thoroughfare. My assistants looked at meexpectantly. With a shrug I made the arbitrary decisionand led them off to the right down this new course. Aswe went, I reflected with some annoyance that eventhough both Massha and Guido knew that I was as newto this terrain as they were, it somehow fell to me tochoose the path.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voicesahead, coming our way. The others heard it too, andwithout word or signal we melted into the underbrush.Squatting down, I peered through the gloom toward theroad, anxious to catch my first glimpse of the native lifeforms.
I didn't have long to wait. Two figures appeared, ayoung couple by the look of them, talking and laughingmerrily as they went. They looked pretty normal to me,which was a distinct relief, considering the forms I hadhad to imitate in some of the other dimensions. Theywere humanoid enough to pass for Klahds... or Jahks,actually, as they were a bit pale. Their dress was not dis-similar from my own, though a bit more colorful. Absorbing all this in a glance, I decided to make my firsttry for information. I mean, after all my fears, theywere so familiar it was almost a letdown, so why not
MYTH-ING PERSONS 37
bull ahead? Compared with some of the beings I've hadto deal with in the past, this looked like a piece of cake.
Signaling the others to stay put, I stepped out ontothe road behind my target couple.
"Excuse me!" I called "I'm new to this area and inneed of a little assistance. Could you direct me to thenearest town?"
Translation pendants were standard equipment fordimension travel, and as I was wearing one now, I hadno fear of not being understood.
The couple turned to face me, and I was immediatelystruck by their eyes. The "whites" of their eyes gloweda dark red, sending chills down my spine. It occurred tome that I might have studied the locals a bit longerbefore I tried to pass myself off as a native. It alsooccurred to me that I had already committed myself tothis course of action and would have to bluff my waythrough it regardless. Finally, it occurred to me that Iwas a suicidal idiot and that I hoped Massha and Guidowere readying their back-up weapons to save me frommy own impatience.
Strangely enough, the couple didn't seem to noticeanything unusual about my appearance.
"The nearest town? That would be Blut. It's not far,we just came from there. It's got a pretty wild night life,if you're into that kind of thing."
There was something about his mouth that nagged atthe edges of my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn't look atit directly without breaking eye contact, so, buoyed bymy apparent acceptance, I pushed ahead with the conversation.
"Actually, I'm not too big on night life. I'm trying torun down an old friend of mine I've lost touch with. Isthere a post office or a police station in Blut I could askat?"
38 Robert Asprin
"Better than that," the man laughed. "The one youwant to talk to is the Dispatcher. He keeps tabs oneverybody. The third warehouse on your left as youenter town. He's converted the whole second floor intoan office. If he can't help you, nobody can."
As vital as the information was, I only paid it partialattention. When the man laughed, I had gotten a betterlook at his mouth. His teeth were....
"Look at his teeth!" the girl gasped, speaking for thefirst time.
"My teeth?" I blinked, realizing with a start that shewas staring at me with undisguised astonishment.
Her companion, in the meantime, had paled noticeably and was backing away on unsteady legs.
"You ... you're ... Where did you come from?"
Trying my best to maintain a normal manner until Ihad figured out what was going on, I moved forward tokeep our earlier conversational distance.
"The castle on the hill back there. I was just...."
"THE CASTLE!?!"
In a flash the couple turned and sprinted away fromme down the road.
"Monster!! Help!! MONSTER!!!"
I actually spun and looked down the road behind me,trying to spot the object of their terror. Looking at theempty road, however, it slowly began to sink in. Theywere afraid of me\ Monster?
Of all the reactions I had tried to anticipate for ourreception in this new land, I had never in my wildestimaginings expected this.
Me? A monster?
"I think we've got problems. High Roller," Masshasaid as she and Guido emerged from the brush at myside.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 39
"I'll say. Unless I'm reading the signs all wrong,they're afraid of me."
She heaved a great sigh and shook her head.
"That's not what I'm talking about. Did you see theirteeth?"
"I saw his," I said."The canines were long andpointed. Pretty weird, huh?"
"Not all that weird, Hot Stuff. Think about it. Mybet is that you were just talking to a couple of vampires!"
MYTH-ING PERSONS 41
"To survive, one must be able to adapt to
changing situations."
TYRANNOSAURUS REX
"VAMPIRES," I said carefully.
"Sure. It all fits." Massha nodded. "The pale skin,the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turnedinto bats...."
"Turned into bats?"
"You missed it. Boss," Guido supplied. "You werelookin' behind you when they did it. Wildest thing I eversaw. One second they was runnin' for their lives, andthe next they're flutterin' up into the dark. Are all theother dimensions like this?"
"Vampires...."
Actually, my shock wasn't all that great. Realizingthe things Aahz and I had run into cruising the so-called"known and safe" dimensions, I had expected something a bit out of the ordinary in this one. If anything, Iwas a bit relieved. The second shoe had been dropped. . . and it really wasn't all that bad! That is, it couldhave been worse. (If hanging around with Aahz had
40
taught me anything, it was that things could always beworse!) The repetitive nature of my conversational brilliance was merely a clever ploy to cover my mental efforts to both digest this new bit of information anddecide what to do with it.
"Vampires are rare in any dimension," my apprentice replied, stepping into the void to answer Guide'squestion. "What's more, they're pretty much feareduniversally. What I can't figure out is why those twowere so scared of Skeeve here."
"Then again," I said thoughtfully, "there's the question of whether or not we can safely assume the wholedimension is populated with beings like the two we justmet. I know it's a long shot, but we might have run intothe only two vampires in the place."
"I dunno. High Roller. They acted pretty much athome here, and they sure didn't think you'd find anything unusual about their appearance. My guess is thatthey're the norm and we're the exceptions aroundhere."
"Whatever," I said, reaching a decision at last,"they're the only two examples we have to work with sofar, so that's what we'll base our actions on until provendifferent."
"So what do we do against a bunch of vampires?"
As a bodyguard, Guido seemed a bit uneasy aboutour assessment of the situation.
"Relax," I smiled. "The first order of business is toturn on the old reliable disguise spell. Just a few quicktouch-ups and they won't be able to tell us apart fromthe natives. We could walk through a town of vampiresand they'd never spot us."
With that, I closed my eyes and went to work. Like Itold the staff, this was going to be easy. Maintaineveryone's normal appearance except for paler skin,
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MYTH-ING PERSONS 43
Robert Asprin
longer canines, and a little artful reddening of the eyes,and the job was done.
"Okay," I said, opening my eyes again. "What'snext?"
"I don't like to quote you back at yourself. HotStuff," Massha drawled, "but didn't you say somethingabout disguises being the first thing before we went anyfurther?"
"Of course. That's why I just. .. wait a minute. Areyou trying to say we still have the same appearance asbefore I cast the spell?"
One of the problems with casting a disguise spell isthat as the caster, I can never see the effects. That is, Isee people as they really are whether the spell is on ornot. I had gotten so used to relying on the effects of thisparticular spell that it had never occurred to me that itmight not work.
Massha and Guido were looking at each other with nosmall degree of concern.
"ymmm ... maybe you forgot."
"Try again."
"That's right! This time remember to...."
"Hold it, you two," I ordered in my most commanding tone. "From your reactions, I perceive that theanswer to my questions is 'yes.' That is, that the spelldidn't work. Now just ease up a second and let methink. Okay?"
For a change they listened to me and lapsed into arespectful silence. I might have taken a moment to savorthe triumph if I wasn't so worried about the problem.
The disguise spell was one of the first spells I hadlearned, and until now was one of my best and mostreliable tools. If it wasn't working, something wasseriously wrong. Now I knew that stepping through thedoor hadn't lessened my knowledge of that particular
spell, so that meant that if something was haywire, itwould have to be in the....
"Hey, Hot Stuff! Check the force lines!"
Apparently my apprentice and I had reached the conclusion simultaneously. A quick magical scan of the skyoverhead and the surrounding terrain confirmed myworst fears. At first I thought there were no force linesat all. Then I realized that they were there, but so faintthat it took nearly all of my reserve power just to detectthem.
"What's all this about force lines?" Guido demanded.
Massha heaved an impatient sigh.
"If you're going to run with this crowd. Dark andDeadly, you'd best start learning a little about the magicbiz ... or at least the vocabulary. Force lines are invisible streams of energy that flow through the ground andthe air. They're the source of power we tap into whenwe do our bibbity-bobbity-boo schtick. That means thatin a land like this one, where the force lines are eithernon-existent or very weak...."
". .. you can't do squat," the bodyguard finished forher. "Hey, Boss! If what she says is true, how comethose two you just met could still do that bat-trick?"
"By being very, very good in the magic department.To do so much with so little means they don't miss atrick . . . pardon the pun ... in tapping and using forcelines. In short, they're a lot better than either Massha orme at the magic game."
"That makes sense." Massha nodded. "In any dimension I've been in that had vampires, they were someof the strongest magic-slingers around. If this is whatthey have to train on, I can see why they run hog-wildwhen they hit a dimension where the force lines are bothplentiful and powerful."
44 Robert Asprin
I rubbed my forehead, trying desperately to think andto forestall the headache I felt coming on. Right onschedule, things were getting worse!
"I don't suppose you have anything in your jewelrycollection that can handle disguises, do you?"
Despite our predicament, Massha gave a low laugh.
"Think about it. High Roller. If I had anything thatcould do disguises, would I walk around looking likethis?"
"So we get to take on a world of hot-shot magic typeswith our own cover fire on low ammo," Guido sum-marized.
"Okay. So it'll be a little tougher than I thought atfirst. Just remember my partner has been getting alongpretty well these last few years without any powers atall."
"Your partner is currently sitting in the hoosegow formurder," Guido said pointedly. "That's why we're herein the first place. Remember?"
"Besides," I continued, ignoring his comment (that'sanother skill I've learned from Aahz), "it's never beenour intention 'to take on the whole world.' All we wantto do is perform a quick hit and run. Grab Aahz and getback out with as little contact with the natives as possible. All this means is that we've got to be a little morecareful. That's all."
"What about running down the trio we started out toretrieve?"
I thought briefly about the blonde who had warned usof Aahz's predicament.
"That's part of being more careful," I announcedsolemnly. "If ... I mean, when we get Aahz out of jail,we'll head for home and count ourselves as lucky. So we... pay off the Deveels. It's a ... cheap price to ... payfor...."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 45
I realized the staff was looking at me a little askance.I also realized that my words had been gradually slowing to a painful broken delivery as I reached the partabout paying off the Deveels.
I cleared my throat and tried again.
"Ummm, let's just say we'll reappraise the situationonce we've reached Aahz. Okay?"
The troops still looked a little dubious, so I thought itwould be best if I pushed on to the next subject.
"As to the opposition, let's pool our knowledge ofvampires so we have an idea of what we're up against.Now, we know they can shapechange into bats ordogs...."
"... or just into a cloud of mist," Massha supplied.
"They drink blood,'' Guido said grimly.
"They don't like bright light, or crosses...."
"... and they can be killed by a stake through theirheart or...."
"They drink blood."
"Enough with the drinking blood! Okay, Guido?"
I was starting to get more than a little annoyed withmy bodyguard's endless pessimism. I mean, none of uswas particularly pleased by the way things were going,but there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on thenegatives.
"Sorry, Boss. I guess looking on the dark side ofthings gets to be a habit in my business."
"Garlic!" Massha exclaimed suddenly.
"What's that?"
"I said 'garlic'," she repeated. "Vampires don't likegarlic!"
"That's right! How about it, Guido? Do you haveany garlic along?"
The bodyguard actually looked embarrassed.
"Can't stand the stuff," he admitted "The other
46 Robert Asprin
boys in the Mob used to razz me about it, but it makesme break out in a rash."
Terrific. We probably had the only Mob member inexistence who was allergic to garlic. Another brilliantidea shot to hell.
"Well," I said, heaving a sigh, "now we know whatwe're up against."
"Ummm . . . say. Hot Stuff?" Massha said softly."All kidding aside. Aren't we a little overmatched onthis one? I mean, Dark and Deadly here can hold up hisend on the physical protection side, but I'm not sure myjewelry collection is going to be enough to cover us magically."
"I appreciate the vote of confidence," Guido smiledsadly, "but I'm not sure my hardware is going to do us alick of good against vampires. With the Boss out of ac-tion on the magic side...."
"Don't count me out so fast. My magic may not be atfull power, but I can still pull off a trick or two if thingsreally get rough."
Massha frowned. "But the force lines...."
"There's one little item I've omitted from yourlessons so far, apprentice," I said with a smug littlegrin. "It hasn't really been necessary what with theenergy so plentiful on Deva ... as a matter of fact, I'vekind of gotten out of the habit myself. Anyway, what itboils down to is that you don't always tap into a forceline to work magic. You can store the energy internallylike a battery so that it's there when you need it. Whilewe've been talking, I've been charging up, so I can provide a bit of magical cover as needed. Now, I won't beable to do anything prolonged like a constant disguisespell, and what I've got I'll want to use carefullybecause it'll take a while to recharge after each use, butwe won't be relying on your jewelry completely."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 47
I had expected a certain amount of excitement fromthe staff when they found out I wasn't totally helpless.Instead, they looked uncomfortable. They exchangedglances, then looked at the sky, then at the ground.
"Ummm . . . does this mean we're going on?" Guidosaid at last.
"That's right," I said, lips tight. "In fact, I probablywould have gone on even if my powers were completelygone. Somewhere out there my partner's in trouble, andI'm not going to back away from at least trying to helphim. I'd do the same if it was one of you, but we're talking about Aahz here. He's saved my skin more timesthan I care to remember. I can't just...."
I caught myself and brought my voice back undercontrol.
"Look," I said, starting again. "I'll admit we neverexpected this vampire thing when we started out, andthe limited magic handicap is enough to give anyonepause. If either or both of you want to head back, youcan do it without hard feelings or guilt trips. Really. Theonly reason I'm pushing on is that I know me. Whateveris up ahead, it can't be any worse than what I would putmyself through if I left Aahz alone to die without tryingmy best to bail him out. But that's me. If you want out,go ahead."
"Don't get your back up. Hot Stuff," Massha chidedgently. "I'm still not sure how much help I'm going tobe, but I'll tag along. I'd probably have the same problem if anything happened to you and I wasn't there, thatyou'd have if anything happened to Aahz. I am your apprentice, you know."
"Bodyguarding ain't much, but it's all I know,"Guido said glumly. "I'm supposed to be guardin' thatbody of yours, so where it goes, I go. I'm just not wildabout the odds, know what I mean?"
48 Robert Asprin
"Then it's settled," I said firmly. "All right. As I seeit, our next stop is Blut."
"Blut," Massha echoed carefully.
"That's right. I want to look up this Dispatchercharacter and see what he has to say. I mean, a town is atown, and we've all visited strange towns before. Whatwe really need now is information, and the nearestsource seems to be Blut."
"The Dispatcher," Massha said without enthusiasm."
"Blut," Guido repeated with even less joyful anticipation.
It occurred to me that while my assistants were boundand determined to stay with me on this caper, if Iwanted wholehearted support, I'd better look for itfrom the natives... a prospect I didn't put much hopein at all.
"An agent is a vampire with a telephone!"
ANY EDITOR
REMEMBER how I said that if you've seen one town,you've seen 'em all? Well, forget it. Even though I'vevisited a lot of dimensions and seen a lot of towns, I hadto admit that Blut looked a little strange.
Everything seemed to be done to death in basic black.(Perhaps "done to death" is an unfortunate turn of aphrase. Whatever.) Mind you, when I say everything, Imean everything. Cobblestones, walls, roof tiles, everything had the same uninspired color scheme. Maybe byitself the black overtones wouldn't have seemed tooominous, if it weren't for the architectural decorationsthat seemed to abound everywhere you looked. Stonedragons and snakes adorned every roof peak and ledge,along with the inescapable gargoyles and, of course,bats. I don't mean "bats" here, I mean "BATS"!!! Bigbats, little bats, bats with their wings half open andothers with their wings spread wide . . . BATS!!! Theonly thing they all seemed to have in common (besides
49
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50 MYTH-ING PERSONS 51
being black) was mouths full of needle-sharp teeth . . .an image which did nothing to further the confidence ofmy already nervous party. I myself felt the tension increasing as we strode down the street under the noses ofthose fierce adornments. One almost expected the stonefigures to come to life and swoop down on us for a pintor two of dinner.
"Cheerful sort of place, isn't it?" Massha asked, eye-ing the rooftops,
"I don't like to complain, Boss," Guido put in, lyingsblatantly, "but I've been in friendlier-looking grave-;
yards." |
"Will you both keep your mouths shut!" I snarled,speaking as best I could through tightly pressed lips."Remember our disguises." J
I had indeed turned on my disguise spell as we enteredtown, but in an effort to conserve magical energy, I hadonly turned our eyes red. If any of the others on thestreet, and there were lots of them, happened to spotour non-vampirish teeth, the balloon would go up onceand for all. Then again, maybe not. We still hadn't;
figured out why the couple we met on the road had been so afraid of me, but I wasn't about to bank the successof our mission on anything as flimsy as a hope that the |whole town would run at the sight of our undisguisedfeatures.
Fortunately, I didn't have to do any magical tinkering'with our wardrobe. If anything, we were a little drabcompared to most of the vampires on the street. Though most of them appeared rather young, barely older than me, they came in all shapes and sizes, and were deckedout in some of the most colorful and outrageous garb it has ever been my misfortune to encounter as they;
shouted to each other or wove their way in and out oftaverns along the street.
It was night now, the clouds having cleared enough toshow a star-studded night sky, and true to their billing,vampires seemed to love the night life.
"If everybody here is vampires," Guido said, ignoring my warning, "how do they find anybody to bite forblood?"
"As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choosing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bot-tle."
She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on alow wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back andforth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of thearea, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinkingwine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuffthey were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach dida fast roll and dip to the right.
"If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let'stry to find this Dispatcher character before someone invites us to join them for a drink."
With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants,nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as wewent. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun,and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren'tfor the urgency of our quest.. . and, of course, the factthat they were vampires.
Following the instructions I had gleaned from thecouple on the road before their panicky flight, we foundthe Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guidooutside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs andentered the Dispatcher's office.
As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't preparedme for the room we stepped into.
There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls,pictures which depicted moving, living things much likelooking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the
52 Robert Asprin
images being displayed were of incredible violence andunspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helplessvictims. The overall effect was neither relaxing norpleasant . . . definitely not something I'd want on thewall at home.
I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed theDispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps"rose" is the wrong description. What he actually didwas hop down to the floor from his chair which washigh to begin with, but made higher by the addition of apillow to the seat.
He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand extended for a handshake.
"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is myproblem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve forfree Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Justa minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"
That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn'tpause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand,pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure withMassha, then grabbed my hand again ... all before hestopped talking.
All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flashimpression of a short, stocky character with plump rosycheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberatelytried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher wouldlook like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a littleoff-guard.
"I... ummm . . . how did you know I have a problem?"
That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and awink.
"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a problem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "Imean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone
MYTH-ING PERSONS 5B
leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like theonly time I see another face in the flesh is when it meansmore work for me. Prove me wrong . . . please! Tell meyou came in here to take over for an hour or so to let meduck out for a bite to drink."
"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we weretold....,"
"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have yougot? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing problems I handle for...."
He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep ourvisit short, I interrupted his pitch.
"We're looking for a friend who...."
"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"
With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed thetop off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddledwith it briefly, then started talking into it.
"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."
Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget underone side of his head and grabbed another.
"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her onwhen she's done...."
The second gadget slid in under the same ear as thefirst and he reached for yet another.
"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to
Massha, "but what's he doing?"
"Those are telephones," she whispered back as afourth instrument came into play. "You talk into oneend of it and whoever's at the other end can hear youand talk back. It beats running all over town to find ananswer."
By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked likehe was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed tobe handling it well, though, talking first into one, then
54 Robert Asprin
another, apparently keeping multiple conversationsgoing at once like a juggler handles a basket full ofballs.
"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do youthink we could get some of these for our place at theBazaar?"
"Believe me, they're more trouble than they'reworth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you'respending all your time on the phone talking to peopleand not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever sincethey broke up the corporation...."
"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumpingdown to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for youdefinite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I'vegot call-backs coming on two others, so let's see whatthey're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"
"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistakehere," I said desperately, trying to stop the madnessbefore it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to finda new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already havewho may be here in town.''
He blinked several times as this news sank in. Hestarted to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.
"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they cancome up with anything, I can always fob 'em off onsomeone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townieor a transient? It would help if you gave me a littlesomething to go on, you know."
He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked todo or say something to cheer him up. Before I couldthink of anything, however, my apprentice decided tojoin the conversation.
"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 55
Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"
As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to bebetter than mine. The little vampire brightened noticeably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as helaunched into his narration.
"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher . . .you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things thataren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a combination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, andmissing persons bureau."
"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-self.
"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be itdreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where'reyou from that you didn't know that?"
Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the subject of our place of origin.
"Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He'snew in town, like us."
"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. Iget a little carried away sometimes when I talk about mywork. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard tolocate. We don't get that many visitors."
"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before Irealized what she was going to say.
"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsiderin jail right now is. ... Say! Now I recognize you! Theeyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren'tyou?"
"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing
vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozendimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, whofeatures you in his most frequent nightmares. You, adragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that
56 Robert Asprin
the current resident in our fair jail is none other thanyour sidekick Aahz?"
"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert... but ex-cept for that you're right. That's my partner you've gotlocked up there, and we aim to get him out."
I was probably talking too much, but being recognized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown meoff balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem allthat hostile at the discovery. More curious than anything else.
"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meetyou in person. Sometime you must tell me what you didto that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hitparade of nightmares."
"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.
"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"
"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but amurderer isn't one of them."
"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm
shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire get-up. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."
"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be thelocal uniform."
"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair. . . free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots ofquestions about the other dimensions. Maybe we cantrade a little information while you're here."
"I don't see anything thrilling about it!""
M. JACKSON
"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I declared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.
"Funny," he smiled in return, "I was about to saythe same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fieldssaid about water!"
"No. What?"
"Now let me get this straight," Guido interruptedbefore I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vampire guys don't really drink blood from people?"
"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug."But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some sayit's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuffmyself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varietiesany night."
We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's officeat this point, sipping our respective drinks and gettinginto a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido inoff door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my
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energy reserve wasn't being drained.
The Dispatcher had played with his phones, callingfrom one to the other. Then he put them all down andannounced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour hehadn't been holding one.
Vilhelm himself was turning out to be a pricelesssource of information, and, as promised, had a seemingly insatiable curiosity about otherworldly things.
"Then how do you account for all the vampire legends around the other dimensions," Massha said skeptically.
The Dispatcher made a face.
"First of all, you've got to realize who you're dealingwith. Most of the ones who do extensive touring outsideof Limbo are 'old money' types. We're talking aboutthe idle rich ... and that usually equates to bored thrill-seekers. Working stiffs like me can't afford to take thatkind of time away from our jobs. Heck, I can hardlymanage to get my two weeks each year. Anyway, thereare a lot more of us around the dimensions than youmight realize. It's just that the level-headed ones arecontent to maintain a low profile and blend with thenatives. They content themselves with the blood of domestic livestock, much the way we do here at home. It'sthe others that cause the problems. Like any group oftourists, there's always a few who feel that just becausethey're in another world or city, the rules don't apply. . . and that includes common manners and good taste.They're the ones who stir up trouble by getting the lo-cals up in arms about 'bloodsucking monsters.' If itmakes you feel any better, you human types have apretty bad rep yourselves here in Limbo."
That caught my attention.
"Could you elaborate on that last point, Vilhelm?
What problem could the locals have with us?"
The Dispatcher laughed.
"The same one you humans have with us vampires.While humans aren't the leading cause of death in vampires any more than vampires are a leading cause ofdeath in humans, it's certainly one of the more publi-cized and sensational ways to go."
"Is that why the first locals we met took off like batsout of hell... if you'll pardon the expression?" Masshaasked.
"You've got it. I think you'll find that the citizens ofBlut will react the same way to you that you would ifyou ran into a vampire in your home dimension."
"I don't notice you bein' particularly scared of us,"Guido said suspiciously.
"One of the few advantages of this job. After a fewyears of. monitoring the other dimensions, you get prettyblase about demons. As far as I can tell, most of 'em areno worse than some of the folks we've got aroundhere."
This was all very interesting, but I was getting a littlefidgety about our mission.
"Since you know we aren't all evil or on a permanentvampire hunt, what can you tell us about the mess Aahzis in? Can you give us any help there?"
"I dunno," the Dispatcher said, rubbing his jawthoughtfully. "Until I found out who he was, I wasready to believe he was guilty as sin. There's an awfullot of evidence against him."
"Such as?" I pressed.
"Well, he was caught with a stake and mallet in hishand, and there are two eyewitnesses who say they sawhim kill one of our citizens and scatter his dust to thewinds."
"Wait a minute. You mean you ain't got no corpus
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delecti?" Guido said, straightening in his chair. "Sorryto interrupt. Boss, but you're playin\* in my alley now.This is somethin' I know a little about. You can't go ontrial for murder without a corpse, know what I mean?"
"Maybe where you come from," Vilhelm corrected,"but things get a little different when you're dealingwith vampires. If we had a body, or even just the pile ofdust, we could revive him in no time flat. As it is, theproblem is when there's no body . . . when a vampire'sbeen reduced to dust and the dust scattered. That'swhen it's impossible to pull 'em back into a functional
mode."
"But if there isn't a body, how do you know the vic-tim is dead at all? " I asked.
"There's the rub," Vilhelm agreed. "But in this case,
there's a matter of two eyewitnesses."
"Two of 'em, eh?" Massha murmured thoughtfully."Would you happen to have descriptions of these two
peepers?"
"Saw 'em myself. They were both off-worlders likeyourselves. One was a young girl, the blonde and innocent type. The other was a pretty sleazy-looking guy. Itwas her who sold us on the story, really. I don't thinkanyone would have believed him if he said that werewolves were furry."
My heart sank. I had wanted very badly to believe thegirl who had warned us of Aahz's danger was somehowan innocent bystander in the proceedings. Now it looked
as if....
"Do the descriptions sound familiar, Hot Stuff? Still
think Guido and I were being paranoid when we saidthis might be a set-up? Sounds like they framed yourpartner, then came back after you to complete the set."I avoided her eyes, staring hard at the wall monitors.
"There might be another explanation, you know."
My apprentice gave out a bark of laughter.
"If there is, I'm dying to hear it. Face it, High Roller,any way you look at it the situation stinks. If theycooked up a frame that tight on Green and Scaly onsuch short notice, I'm dying to see what kind of a trapthey've got waiting for you now that they've had time toget ready before inviting you to step in."
It occurred to me that I had never been that mouthywhen I was an apprentice. It also occurred to me thatnow I understood why Aahz had gotten so angry on therare occasions when I had voiced an opinion ... and therarer times when I was right.
"I think I missed a lap in this conversation somewhere." Vilhelm frowned. "I take it you know the witnesses?"
Massha proceeded to bring the Dispatcher up to date,with Guido growling counterpoint to the theme. Foronce I was glad to let them do the talking. It gave me achance to collect my scattered thoughts and try to formulate a plan. When they finished, I still had a long wayto go on both counts.
"I must admit, viewed from the light of this new information, the whole thing does sound a little suspicious," the vampire said thoughtfully.
"A little suspicious!" Massha snorted. "It's phonierthan a smiling Deveel!"
"Tell ya what," Guido began, "just give us a fewminutes alone with these witnesses of yours and we'llshake the truth out of'em."
"I'm afraid that will be a little difficult," the Dispatcher said, eyeing the ceiling. "You see, they haven'tbeen around for a while. Disappeared right after thetrial."
62 Robert Asprin
"The trial!?" I snapped, abandoning my efforts tocollect my wits. "You mean the trial's already beenheld?"
The vampire nodded.
"That's right. Needless to say, your friend was foundguilty."
"Why do I get the feeling he didn't get a suspendedsentence for a first offense?" Guido growled under hisbreath.
"As a matter of fact, he's been slated for execution atthe end of the week," Vilhelm admitted.
That got me out of my seat and pacing.
"We've got to do something," I said needlessly."How about it, Vilhelm? Can you help us out at all?Any chance of getting the verdict reversed or at least astay of execution?"
"I'm afraid not. Character witnesses alone wouldn'tchange anything, and as for new evidence, it would onlybe your word against the existing witnesses . . . andyou've already admitted the defendant is a friend ofyours. Mind you, / believe you, but there are those whowould suspect you'd say anything or fabricate any kindof tale tosave your partner."
"But can you personally give us a hand?"
"No, I can't," the vampire said, turning away. "Youall seem like real nice folks, and your friend is probablythe salt of the earth, but I have to live here and deal withthese people for a long time. If I sided with outsidersagainst the town legal system, my whole career wouldgo down the drain whether I was right or not. It's notpretty and I don't like it, but that's the way things are."
"We could fix it so you like it a lot less!" Guido saiddarkly, reaching into his coat.
"Stop it, Guido," I ordered. "Let's not forget thehelp Vilhelm's already given us. It's a lot more than we
MYTH-ING PERSONS 63
expected to get when we first came into this dimension,so don't go making enemies out of the only friend we\*vegot locally. Okay?"
The bodyguard sank back into his chair, mutteringsomething I was just as glad I didn't hear, but his handcame out of his coat empty and stayed in sight.
"So what do we do now. Hot Stuff?" Massha sighed.
"The only thing I can think of is to try to locate thosewitnesses before the execution date," I said. "What Ican't figure is how to go about looking without gettinghalf the town down on our necks."
"What we really need is a bloodhound," Guido
grumbled.
"Say, that's not a bad idea!" Vilhelm exclaimed,coming to life. "Maybe I can help you after all!"
"You got a bloodhound?" the bodyguard said, raising his eyebrows.
"Even better," the vampire declared. "I don't knowwhy I didn't think of it before. The ones you need to getin touch with are the Woof Writers."
I studied him-carefully to see if this were some kind ofjoke.
"The Woof Writers?" I repeated at last.
"Well, that's what we in Blut call them behind theirbacks. Actually, they're a husband-wife team of werewolves who are on a big crusade to raise sympathy forhumans."
"Werewolves," I said carefully.
"Sure. We got all kinds here in Limbo. Anyway, ifanyone in this dimension will be willing to stick theirnecks out for you, they're the ones. They do their ownthing and don't really give a hang what any of the otherlocals think about it. Besides, werewolves are second tonone when it comes to sniffing out a trail."
"Werewolves."
64 Robert Asprin
Vilhelmcocked his head at me curiously.
"Am I imagining things, Skeeve, or didn't you justsay that?"
"What's more," Massha smiled sweetly, "he'll probably say it again. It bears repeating."
"Werewolves," I said again, just to support my apprentice.
"Boss," Guido began, "I don't want to say this, butnobody said anything about werewolves when we...."
"Good," I interrupted brusquely. "You don't wantto say it, and I don't want to hear it. Now that we're inagreement, let's just pass on it and...."
"But Boss! We can't team up with werewolves."
"Guido, we just went over this. We're in a tight spotand in a strange dimension. We can't afford to bechoosy about our allies."
"You don't understand. Boss. I'm allergic to 'em!"
I sank down into a chair and hid my face in my hands.
"I thought you were allergic to garlic," I said throughmy fingers.
"That. too," the bodyguard said. "But mostly I'mallergic to furry things like kitties or fur coats or...."
". . . or werewolves," Massha finished for him."Frankly, Dark and Deadly, one starts to wonder howyou've been able to function effectively all these years."
"Hey, it doesn't come up all that often, know what Imean?" Guido argued defensively. "How many timeshave .you been attacked by somethin' furry?"
"Not as often as I'd like!" Massha leered.
"Enough, you two," I ordered, raising my head."Guido, have you ever actually been near a werewolf?"
"Well, no. But...."
"Then until we know for sure, we'll assume you'renot allergic to them. Okay? Vilhelm, exactly where dowe find these Woof Writers of yours?"
"First, let's decide who's leading and
who's following."
F. ASTAIRE
"BOSS, just where the hell is Pahkipsee?"
I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spentmost of their time complaining, or if I had just gottenlucky.
"Look, Guido. You were there and heard the sameinstructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be justup the road here a couple more miles."
"... 'a rather dead bedroom community, fit only forthose not up to the fast-lane life-style of the big city,' "Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire'svoice.
Guido snickered rudely.
"Why do I get the feeling you didn't particularlywarm to Vilhelm, Massha?" I suppressed a grin of myown.
"Maybe it's because he's the only guy we've met shehasn't made a pass at?" Guido suggested.
Massha favored him with an extended tongue and
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crossed eyes before answering.
"Oh, Vilhelm's okay," she said. "Kinda cute, too... at least the top of his head was. And he did admitthat in general vampires were more partial to cities andparties while werewolves preferred the back-to-natureatmosphere of rural living. I just didn't like the crack,that's all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Countrybreakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramicphysique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn'ttrust a smiling vampire. ... or at least you shouldn'ttrust him too far."
I had been about to mention the fact that I had grownup on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obviously, farm food hadn't particularly affected my physique, and I didn't want to rob my apprentice of herexcuse.
"If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would havehad to do was blow the whistle on us while we were stillin town," I pointed out. "Let's just take things at facevalue and assume he was really being as nice as heseemed ... for all our peace of minds."
I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were along way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm hadwanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn'thave picked a better direction to start us off in.
"Yeah, well I'd feel a lot better if we weren't beingfollowed," Guido grumbled.
I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha ... in hertracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble intous before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.
"What is it, Boss? Something wrong?"
"For a minute there, I thought I heard you say thatwe were being followed."
"Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher's. Why does. ..you mean you didn't know?"
MYTH-ING PERSONS 67
I resisted an impulse to throttle him.
"No, Guido. I didn't know. You see, my bodyguarddidn't tell me. He was too busy complaining about theroad conditions to have time to mention anything astrivial as someone following us."
Guido took a few shaky steps backward.
"Hey! C'mon, Boss. Don't be like that. I thoughtyou knew! Honest. Whoever's back there isn't doin'such a hot job of hiding the fact that they're doggingour trail. Any idiot could've spotted ... I mean...."
"Keep going, Dark and Deadly," Massha urged.
"You're digging yourself in further with every word, incase you hadn't noticed."
With great effort I brought myself back under control.
"Whatever," I said. "I don't suppose you have anyidea who it is?"
"Naw. There's only one of 'em. Unless...."
His voice trailed off into silence and he looked suddenly worried.
"Out with it, Guido. Unless what?"
"Well, sometimes when you're getting really trickyabout tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punkout front so's they can be spotted while you keep yourreal ace-hitter hidden. I hadn't stopped to think of thatbefore. This turkey behind us could be a decoy, knowwhat I mean?"
"I thought you used decoys for ducks, not turkeys,"Massha scowled.
"Well, if that's what's happening, then we're sittingducks, if it makes you feel any better."
"Could both of you just be quiet for a few minutesand let me think?" I said, suddenly impatient with theirbanter.
"Well, maybe it isn't so bad," Guido said in a doubt---
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ful voice. "I'm pretty sure I would have spotted theback-up team if there was one."
"Oh sure," Massha sneered. "Coming out of a townfull of vampires that can change themselves into mistwhenever they want. Of course you'd spot them."
"Hey. The Boss here can chew on me if he wants, butI don't have to take that from you. You didn't even spotthe turkey, remember?"
"The only turkey I can see is... ."
"Enough!" I ordered, having arrived at a decisiondespite their lack of cooperation. "We have to find outfor sure who's behind us and what they want. This is asgood a place as any, so I suggest we all retire into thebushes and wait for our shadow to catch up with us. ...No, Massha. I'll be over here with Guido. You take the
other side of the road."
That portion of my plan had less to do with militarystrategy than with an effort on my part to preserve whatlittle was left of my nerves. I figured the only way toshut the two of them up was to separate them.
"I'm sorry, Boss," Guido whispered as we crouchedside by side in the brush. "I keep forgettin' that youaren't as into crime as the boys I usually run with."
Well, I had been half right. Massha on the other sideof the road was being quiet, but as long as he had someone to talk to, Guido was going to keep on expressinghis thoughts and opinions. I was starting to understandwhy Don Bruce insisted on doing all the talking whenthe bodyguards were around. Encouraging employees tospeak up as equals definitely had its drawbacks.
"Will you keep your voice down?" I tried once more."This is supposed to be an ambush."
"Don't worry about that. Boss. It'll be a while be-fore they catch up, and when they do, I'll hear 'em be-fore. ..."
"Isthatyou.Skeeve?"
The voice came from the darkness just up the road.
I gave Guido my darkest glare, and he rewarded itwith an apologetic shrug that didn't look particularlysincere to me.
Then it dawned on me where I had heard that voicebefore.
"Right here," I said, rising from my crouch and stepping onto the road. "We've been waiting for you. Ithink it's about time we had a little chat."
Aside from covering my embarrassment over havingbeen discovered, that had to be my best understatementin quite a while. The last time I had seen this particularperson, she was warning me about Aahz's imprison-ment.
"Good." She stepped forward to meet me. "That'swhy I've been following you. I was hoping we
could...."
Her words stopped abruptly as Guido and Massharose from the bushes and moved to join us.
"Well, look who's here," Massha said, flashing oneof her less pleasant smiles.
"If it isn't the little bird who sang to the vampires,"Guido leered, matching my apprentice's threateningtone.
The girl favored them with a withering glance, thenfaced me again.
"I was hoping we could talk alone. I've got a lot tosay and not much time to say it. It would go faster if weweren't interrupted."
"Not a chance, Sweetheart," Guido snarled. "I'mnot goin' to let the Boss out of my sight with youaround."
". . . besides which, I've got a few things to tell youmyself," Massha added, "like what I think of folks who
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think frames look better on people than on paintings."
The girl's eyes never left mine. For all her bravado, Ithought I could detect in their depths an appeal for help.
"Please," she said softly.
I fought a brief skirmish in my mind, and, as usual,common sense lost.
"All right."
"WHAT! C'mon, Boss. You can't let her get you
alone! If her pals are around...."
"Hot Stuff, if I have to sit on you. you aren't going
to...."
"Look!" I said, wrenching my eyes away from thegirl to confront my mutinous staff. "We'll only go afew steps down the road there, in plain sight. If anything happens you'll be able to pitch in before it getsserious."
"But...."
". . . and you certainly can't think she's going tojump me. I mean, it's a cinch she isn't carrying any concealed weapons."
That was a fact. She had changed outfits since the lasttime I saw her, probably to fit in more with the exoticgarb favored by the party-loving vampires. She waswearing what I've heard referred to as a "tank top"which left her midsection and navel delightfully exposed, and the open-sided skirt (if you can call two flapsof cloth that) showed her legs up past her hips. If shehad a weapon with her, she had swallowed it. Eitherthat, or....
I dragged my thoughts back to the argument.
"The fact of the matter is that she isn't going to talkin front of a crowd. Now, am I going to get a chance tohear another viewpoint about what's going on, or arewe going to keep groping around for information withAahz's life hanging in the balance?"
My staff fell silent and exchanged glances, each waiting for the other to risk the next blast.
"Well, okay," Massha agreed at last. "But watchyourself, Hot Stuff. Remember, poison can come inpretty bottles."
So, under the ever-watchful glares of my assistants, Iretired a few steps down the road for my first wordsalone with....
"Say, what is your name, anyway?"
"Hmmm? Oh. I'm Luanna. Say, thanks for backingme up. That's a pretty mean-looking crew you hangaround with. I had heard you had a following, but Ihadn't realized how nasty they were."
"Oh, they're okay once you get to know them. If youworked with them on a day-to-day basis, you'd find outthat they . . . heck, none of us are really as dangerous oreffective as the publicity hype cuts us out to be."
I was suddenly aware of her eyes on me. Her expression was strange ... sort of a bitter half-smile.
"I've always heard that really powerful people tendedto understate what they can do, that they don't have tobrag. I never really believed it until now."
I really didn't know what to say to that. I mean, myreputation had gotten big enough that I was starting toget used to being recognized and talked about at theBazaar, but what she was displaying was neither fearnor envy. Among my own set of friends, admiration orpraise was always carefully hidden within our ownbrand of rough humor or teasing. Faced with the undi-luted form of the same thing, I was at a loss as to how torespond.
"Ummm, what was it you wanted to talk to me
about?"
Her expression fell and she dropped her eyes.
"This is so embarrassing. Please be patient with me,
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MYTH-ING PERSONS
73
Skeeve ... is it all right if I call you Skeeve? I haven'thad much experience with saying 'I'm sorry'. . . heck, Ihaven't had much experience with people at all. Justpartners and pigeons. Now that I'm here, I really don'tknow what to say."
"Why don't we start at the beginning?" I wanted toease her discomfort. "Did you really swindle theDeveels back at the Bazaar?"
Luanna nodded slowly without raising her eyes.
"That's what we do. Matt and me. That and running,even though I think sometimes we're better at runningthan working scams. Maybe if we were better at conningpeople, we wouldn't get so much practice at running."
Her words thudded at me like a padded hammer. Ihad wanted very badly to hear that she was innocent andthat it had all been a mistake. I mean, she was so pretty,so sweet, I would have bet my life that she was innocent,yet here she was openly admitting her guilt to me.
"But why?" I managed at last. "I mean, how did youget involved in swindling people to begin with?"
Her soft shoulders rose and fell in a helpless shrug.
"I don't know. It seemed like a good idea when Mattfirst explained it to me. I was dying to get away from thefarm, but I didn't know how to do anything but farm-work for a living . . . until Matt explained to me howeasy it was to get money away from people by playingon their greed. 'Promise them something for nothing,'he said, 'or for so little that they think they're swindlingyou.' When he put it that way, it didn't seem so bad. Itwas more a matter of being smart enough to trick peoplewho thought they were taking advantage of you."
". . . by selling them magical items that weren't." Ifinished for her. "Tell me, why didn't you just go intothe magic trade for real?"
Her head came up, and I caught a quick flash of firein her sad blue eyes.
"We didn't know any magic, so we had to fake it.You probably can't understand that, since you're thereal McCoy. I knew that the first time I saw you at Possletum. We were going to try to fake our way into theCourt Magician spot until you showed up and flashed abit of real magic at the crown. Even Matt had to admitthat we were outclassed, and we kind of faded back be-fore anyone asked us to show what we could do. I thinkit was then that I...."
She broke off, giving me a startled, guilty look as ifshe had been about to say something she shouldn't.
"Go on," I urged, my curiosity piqued.
"It's nothing, really," she said hastily. "Now it'syour turn. Since I've told you my story, maybe youwon't mind me asking how you got started as a magician."
That set me back a bit. Like her, I had been raised ona farm. I had run away, though, planning to seek myfortune as a master thief, and it was only my chancemeeting with my old teacher Garkin and eventuallyAahz that had diverted my career goals toward magic.In hindsight, my motives were not discernibly betterthan hers, but I didn't want to admit it just now. I kindof liked the way she looked at me while laboring underthe illusion that I was someone noble and special.
"That's too long a tale to go into just now," I saidbrusquely. "There are still a few more answers I'd likefrom you. How come you used our place as a getawayroute f rom Deva?"
"Oh, that was Vic's idea. We teamed up with him justbefore we started working our con at the Bazaar. Whenit looked like the scam was starting to turn sour, he said
74 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 75
he knew a way-off dimension that no one would bewatching. Matt and I didn't even know it was your placeuntil your doorman asked if we were there to see you.Matt was so scared about having to tangle with you thathe wanted to forget the whole thing and find anotherway out, but Vic showed us the door and it looked soeasy we just went along with him."
"Of course, it never occurred to you that we'd getstuck with the job of trying to bring you back."
"You better believe it occurred to us. I mean, wedidn't think you'd have to do it. We expected you'd bemad at us for getting you involved and come after usyourself. Vic kept saying that we shouldn't worry, thatif you found us here in Limbo he could fix it so youwouldn't be able to take us back. I didn't know he wasthinking about setting up a frame until he sprang it onyour partner."
I tried to let this console me, but it didn't work.
"I notice that once you found out that Aahz wasbeing framed, you still went along with it."
"Well... I didn't want to, but Vic kept saying that ifyou two were as good as everyone said, that yourpartner could get out of jail by himself. We figured thathe'd escape before the execution, but with the wholedimension hunting him as a fugitive that he'd be toobusy running for home to bother about catching us."
I was starting to get real anxious to meet this guy Vic.It also occurred to me that of all the potential problemsour growing reputation could bring down on us, thiswas one we had never expected.
"And you believed him?"
Luanna made a face, then shrugged.
"Well . . . you're supposed to be able to do somepretty incredible things, and I don't want you to think Idon't believe in your abilities, but I was worried enough
that I sneaked back to let you know what was going on.. .just in case."
It was almost funny that she was apologizing for giv-ing us the warning. Almost, but not quite. My mindkept running over what might have happened if she hadbelieved in me completely.
"I guess my only other question is who is this citizenthat Aahz is supposed to have killed?"
"Didn't anybody tell you?" she blinked. "It's Vic.He's from this dimension . . . you know, a vampire.Anyway, he's hiding out until the whole thing's resolvedone way or another. I don't think even Matt knowswhere he is. Vampires are normally suspicious, andafter I sneaked out the first time, he's even gotten cageyaround us. He just drops in from time to time to seehow we're doing."
Now I knew I wanted to meet friend Vic. If I waslucky, I'd meet him before Aahz did.
"Well, I do appreciate you filling me in on the problem. Now, if you'll just come back to Blut with us andexplain things to the authorities, my gratitude will becomplete."
Luanna started as if I had stuck her with a pin.
"Hold on a minute! Who said anything about goingto the authorities? I can't do that! That would be dou-blecrossing my partners. I don't want to see you or yourfriends get hurt, but I can't sacrifice my own to savethem."
An honest crook is both incongruous and infuriating.Aahz had often pointed this out to me when some pointin my ethic kept me from going along with one of hisschemes, and now I was starting to understand what hewas talking about.
"But then why are you here?"
"I wanted to warn you. Vic has been thinking that
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you might come into Limbo after your partner, and he'ssetting up some kind of trap if you did. If he was right,I thought you should know that you're walking intotrouble. I figured that if you came, you'd look up theDispatcher, so I waited there and followed you whenyou showed up. I just wanted to warn you is all. Thatand...."
She dropped her eyes again and lowered her voiceuntil I could hardly hear her.
"... I wanted to see you again. I know it's silly,but...."
As flattering as it was, this time I was unimpressed.
"Yeah, sure." I interrupted. "You're so interested inme you're willing to let my partner sit on a murder rapjust so you can watch me go through my paces."
"I already explained about that," she said fiercely,stepping forward to lay a hand on my arm.
I stared at it pointedly until she removed it.
"Well," she said in a small voice. "I can see thatthere's nothing more I can say. But, Skeeve? Promiseme that you won't follow me when I leave? You or yourfriends? I took a big risk finding you. Please don't makeme regret it."
I stared at her for a long moment, then looked awayand nodded.
"I know you're disappointed in me, Skeeve," cameher voice, "but I can't go against my partners. Haven't"you ever had to do something you didn't want to do tosupport your partner?"
That hit home ... painfully.
"Yes, I have," I said, drawing a ragged breath. "I'msorry, Luanna. I'm just Worried about Aahz, that's all.Tell you what. Just to show there're no hard feelings,can I have a token or something? Something to remember you by until I see you again?"
She hesitated, then pulled a gossamer-thin scarf fromsomewhere inside her outfit. Stepping close, she tuckedit into my tunic, then rose on her tiptoes and kissed mesoftly.
"It's nice of you to ask," she said. "Even if I don'tmean anything to you at all, it's nice of you to ask."
With that, she turned and sprinted off down the roadinto the darkness.
I stared after her.
"You're letting her go!?"
Suddenly Massha was at my side, flanked by Guido.
"C'mon, Boss. We gotta catch her. She's your
partner's ticket off death row. Where's she goin'?"
"To meet up with her partners in crime," I said."Including a surprisingly lively guy named Vic ...surprising since he's the one that Aahz is supposed tohave killed."
"So we can catch 'em all together. Nice work, HotStuff. Okay, let's follow her and...."
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because I promised her."
There was a deathly silence as my assistants digestedthis information.
"So she walks and Green and Scaly dies, is that it?"
"You're sellin' out your partner for a skirt? Thatmusta been some kiss."
I slowly turned to face them, and, mad as they were,they fell silent.
"Now listen close," I said quietly, "because I'm notgoing to go over it again. If we tried to follow her backto their hideout, and she spotted us, she'd lead us on awild goose chase and we'd never catch up with them ...and we need that so-called corpse. I don't think hertestimony alone will swing the verdict."
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78
"But Boss, if we let her get away...."
"We'll find them," I said. "Without us dogging herfootsteps, she'll head right back to her partners."
"But how will we...."
In answer, I pulled Luanna's scarf from my tunic."Fortunately, she was kind enough to provide us witha means to track her, once we recruit the necessary werewolf."
Guido gave my back a slap that almost staggered me."Way to go, Boss," he crowed. "You really had me
goin' for a minute. I thought that chickie had really
snowed you."
I looked up to find Massha eyeing me suspiciously."That was quite a kiss. Hot Stuff," she said. "If Ididn't know better, I'd think that young lady is morethan a little stuck on you . . . and you just took
advantage of it."
I averted my eyes, and found myself staring down the
road again.
"As a wise woman once told me," I said, "sometimesyou have to do things you don't like to support yourpartner. ... Now, let's go find these Woof Writers."
"My colleagues and I feel that independ---
ents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep in
wolves' clothing!"
-S.LEE
THE Woof Writers turned out to be much more pleasant than I had dared hope, which was fortunate as mywerewolf disguises were some of the shakiest I'd everdone. Guido was indeed allergic to werewolves as feared(he started sneezing a hundred yards from their house)and was waiting outside, but even trying to maintaintwo disguises was proving to be a strain on my powers inthis magic-poor dimension. I attempted to lessen thedrain by keeping the changes minimal, but only succeeded in making them incredibly unconvincing eventhough my assistants assured me they were fine. Nomatter what anyone tells you, believe, me, pointy earsalone do not wolf make.
You might wonder why I bothered with diguises atall? Well, frankly, we were getting a little nervous.Everyone we had talked to or been referred to in thisdimension was so nice\ We kept waiting for the othershoe to drop. All of our talks and discussions of pos---
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sible traps had made us so skittish that we were nowconvinced that there was going to be a double-crosssomewhere along the way. The only question in ourminds was when and by whom.
With that in mind, we decided it would be best to tryto pass ourselves off as werewolves until we knew forsure the Woof Writers were as well-disposed towardhumans as Vilhelm said they were. The theory was thatif they weren't, the disguises might give us a chance toget out again before our true nature was exposed. Theonly difficulty with that plan was that I had never seen awerewolf in my life, so not only was I working with ashortage-of energy, I was unsure as to what the finalresult should look like. As it turned out, despite theirknowledgeable advice, my staff didn't know either.
While we're answering questions from the audience,you might ask, if neither I nor my assistants knew whata werewolf looked like, how I knew the disguises wereinadequate? Simple. I deduced the fact after one look atreal werewolves. That and the Woof Writers told me so.Didn't I tell you they were great folks? Of course, theylet us sweat for a while before admitting that they knewwe were poorly disguised humans all along, but I myselftend to credit that to their dubious sense of humor. It'sMassha who insists it was blatant sadism. Of course, shewas the one who had to eat a bone before they acknowledged the joke.
Anyway, I was talking about the Woof Writers. Itwas interesting in that I had never had much opportunity to watch a husband-wife team in action before (myparents don't count). The closest thing to the phenomenon I had witnessed was the brother-sister team ofTananda and Chumley, but they spent most of theirconversational time trying to "one-down" each other.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 81
The Woof Writers, in contrast, seemed to take turnsplaying "crazy partner-sane partner." They never askedmy opinion, but I felt that she was much better at playing the crazy than he. He was so good at playing thestraight that when he did slip into crazy mode. it alwayscame as a surprise.
"Really, dear," Idnew was saying to Massha,
"wouldn't you like to slip out of that ridiculous disguiseinto something more comfortable? A werewolf withonly two breasts looks so silly."
"Idnew," her husband said sternly, "you're makingour guests uncomfortable. Not everyone feels as easyabout discussing their bodies as you do."
"It's the artist in me," she returned, "And besides,Drahcir, who was it that set her up to eat a bone?andan old one at that. If you were a little more conscien-tious when you did the shopping instead of stocking upon junk food...."
"Oh, don't worry about me. Hairy and Handsome,"Massha interceded smoothly, dropping into her vamprole. "I've got no problems discussing my body, as longas we get equal time to talk about yours. I've alwaysliked my men with a lot of facial hair, if you get mydrift."
I noticed Idnew's ears flatten for a moment beforereturning to their normal upright position. While it mayhave been nothing more than a nervous twitch, it occurred to me that if we were going to solicit help fromthese two, it might not be wise to fan any embers ofjealousy that might be lying about.
"Tell me," I said hastily, eager to get the subjectaway from Massha's obvious admiration of Drahcir,"What got you started campaigning for better relation-ships between humans and werewolves?"
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"Well, there were many factors involved," Drahcirexplained, dropping into the lecturer mode I had grownto know so well in such a short time. "I think the mostimportant thing to keep in mind is that the bad reputation humans have is vastly overrated. There is actuallyvery little documented evidence to support the legendsof human misconduct. For the most part, werewolvestend to forget that, under the proper conditions, we turninto humans. Most of them are afraid or embarrassedand hide themselves away until it passes, but Idnew andI don't. If anything we generally seize the opportunityto go out and about and get the public used to seeingharmless humans in their midst. Just between us,though, I think Idnew here likes to do it because itscares the hell out of folks to be suddenly confronted bya human when they aren't expecting it. In case youhaven't noticed, there's a strong exhibitionist streak inmy wife. For myself, it's simply a worthy cause that'sbeen neglected for far too long."
"The other factor, which my husband has neglectedto mention," Idnew put in impishly, "is that there's alot of money in it."
"There is? "I asked.
My work with Aahz had trained me to spot profit opportunities where others saw none, but this time thespecific angle had eluded me.
"There . . . umm ... are certain revenues to begleaned from our campaign," Drahcir said uneasily,shooting a dark glance at his wife. "T-shirts, bumperstickers, lead miniatures, fan club dues, greeting cards,and calendars, just to name a few. It's a dirty job, butsomebody's got to do it. Lest my wife leave you with thewrong impression of me, however, let me point out thatI'm supporting this particular cause because I reallybelieve in it. There are lots of ways to make money."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 83
"... and he knows them all, don't you dear?" Idnewsaid with a smile.
"Really?" I interrupted eagerly. "Would you mindrunning over a few? Could I take notes?"
"Before you get carried away, High Roller," Masshawarned, "remember why we came here originally."
"Oh! Right! Thanks, Massha. For a minute there I... Right!"
It took me a few seconds to rechannel my thoughts.While Aahz's training has gotten me out of a lot of tightspots and generally improved my standard of living,there are some unfortunate side effects.
Once I got my mind back on the right track, I quicklyfilled the werewolves in on our current problem. I keptthe details sketchy, both because I was getting tired ofgoing back and forth over the same beginning, and tokeep from having to elaborate on Luanna's part in causing our dilemma. Still, the Woof Writers seemed quiteenthralled by the tale, and listened attentively until I wasdone.
"Gee, you're really in a spot," Idnew said when Ifinally ground to a halt. "If there's anything we can doto help...."
"We can't," Drahcir told us firmly. "You're behindon your deadlines, Idnew, and I've got three more appearances this month . . . not to mention answering themail that's piled up the last two weekends I've beengone."
"Drahcir...." Idnew said, drawing out his name.
"Don't look at me like that, dear," her husbandargued before she had even started her case, "and don'tcock your head, either. Someone's liable to shove agramophone under it. Remember, you're the one whokeeps pointing out that we have to put more time intoour work."
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"I was talking about cutting back on your personalappearances," Idnew argued. "Besides, this is important."
"So's meeting our deadlines. I'm as sympathetic totheir problem as you are, but we can't let the plight ofone small group of humans interfere with our work onthe big picture."
"But you're the one who insists that deadlines aren'tas important as...."
She broke off suddenly and semaphored her ears
toward her husband.
"Wait a minute. Any time you start talking about'big pictures' and 'grand crusades'. . . is our bank account low again?"
Drahcir averted his eyes and shifted his feet uncomfortably.
"Well, I was going to tell you, but I was afraid itmight distract you while you were trying to work. ..."
"All right. Let's have it," his wife growled, herhackles rising slightly. "What is it you've invested ourmoney in this time?''
I was suddenly very uncomfortable. Our little discussion seemed to be dissolving into a family fight I felt Ihad no business being present for. Apparently Masshafelt the same thing.
"Well, if you can't help us, that's that," she said, getting to her feet. "No problem. A favor's not a favor ifyou have to be argued into it. C'mon, Hot Stuff. We'rewasting our time and theirs."
Though in part I agreed with her, desperation
prompted me to make one last try.
"Not so fast, Massha. Drahcir is right. Time'smoney. Maybe we could work out some kind of a fee tocompensate them for their time in helping us. Then it'snot a favor, it's a business deal. Face it, we really need
MYTH-ING PERSONS 85
their help in this. The odds of us finding this Vic character on our own are pretty slim."
Aahz would have fainted dead away if he had heardme admitting how much we needed help before the feewas set, but that reaction was nothing compared to howthe Woof Writers took my offer.
"What did you say?" Drahcir demanded, rising to allfours with his ears back.
"I said that maybe you'd help us if we offered to payyou," I repeated, backing away slightly. "I didn't meanto insult you...."
"You can't insult Drahcir with money," his wifesnapped. "He meant what did you say about Vic?"
"Didn't I mention him before?" I frowned. "He'sthe vampire that Aahz is supposed to have...."
There was a sudden loud flapping sound in the raftersabove our heads, like someone noisily shaking a news-paper to scare a cat off a table. It worked . .. not on thecat (I don't think the werewolves owned one) but onMassha and me. My apprentice hit the floor, coveringher head with her hands, while I, more used to suddendanger and being more svelte and agile, dove beneaththe coffee table.
By the time we recovered from our panicky ... excuseme, our shrewd defensive maneuvers, there was nothingto see except the vague shape of someone with hugewings disappearing out the front door.
"This one's all yours, dear," Drahcir said firmly, hisposture erect and unmoved despite the sudden activity.
"Come on, honey," his wife pleaded. "You're somuch better at explaining things. You're supposed tohelp me out when it comes to talking to people."
"It's a skill I polished at those personal appearancesyou're so critical of," he retorted stiffly.
"Would somebody tell me what's going on?" I said
86 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 87
in tones much louder than I usually use when I'm aguest in someone's home.
Before I could get an answer, the door burst openagain utterly destroying what little was left of my nervous system.
"Hey, Boss! Did you sseWhawa...."
"Outside, Guido!" I ordered, glad to have someone Icould shout at without feeling guilty. "Blow your nose... and I'm fine, thanks! Nice of you to ask!"
By the time my bodyguard had staggered back outside, his face half buried in a handkerchief, I had managed to regain most of my composure.
"Sorry for the interruption," I said as nonchalantlyas I could, "but my colleague does raise an interesting !question .What was that?''
"Scary?" Massha suggested.
Apparently she had recovered her composure a littlebetter than I had. I closed my eyes and reflected againon the relative value of cheeky apprentices.
"That," Drahcir said loftily, barely in time to keepme from my assistant's throat, "was Vic . . . one of mywife's weird artist friends who dropped in unannouncedfor a prolonged stay and, unless I miss my guess, thecriminal you're looking for who framed your partner."
"He wasn't really a friend of mine," Idnew put in ina small voice. "Just a friend of a friend, really. Weirdartist types tend to stick together and pass around thelocations of crash spaces. He was just another charitycase down on his luck who...."
"... who is currently winging his way back to his accomplice with the news that we're on their trail," Ifinished with a grimace.
"Isn't that 'accomplices' as in plural?" Massha askedsoftly.
I ignored her.
"Oh, Drahcir," Idnew said, "now we have to helpthem. It's the only way we can make up for having provided a hideout for the very person they were trying tofind."
"If I might point out," her husband replied, "we'vebarely met these people. We don't really owe them anexplanation, much less any help. Besides, you still havea deadline to meet and...."
"Drahcir!" Idnew interrupted. "It could get reallonely sleeping in the old kennel while I work day andnight on a deadline, if you catch my meaning."
"Now, dear," Drahcir said, sidling up to his wife,"before you go getting into a snit, hear me out. I'vebeen thinking it over and I think there's a way we canprovide assistance without biting into our own schedules. I mean, we do have a friend . . . one who lives alittle north of here . . . who's temporarily between assignments and could use the work. I'm sure he'd be willing to do a little tracking for them at a fraction of thefee that we'd charge for the same service."
He was obviously talking in the veiled references partners use to communicate or check ideas in front ofstrangers, as his words went completely over my head,but drew an immediate reaction from Idnew.
"Oh, Drahcir!" she exclaimed excitedly, all trace ofher earlier anger gone. "That's perfect! And he'll justlove Massha."
"There's still the question of whether or not we canget him here in time," her husband cautioned. "And ofcourse I'll want a percentage off the top as a finder'sfee...."
"WHAT! "I exclaimed.
"I agree," Idnew said firmly. "A finder's fee is totally. ..."
"No! Before that," I urged. "What did you say
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about there not being enough time? I thought the execution wasn't scheduled until the end of the week!"
"That's right," Drahcir said. "But the end of theweek is tomorrow. Your friend is slated to be executedat high midnight."
"C'mon, Massha," I ordered, heading for the door."We're heading back to Blut."
"What for?" she demanded. "What can we do without a tracker?"
"We've tried being nice about this, and it isn't working," I responded grimly. "Now we do it the other way.You wanted action, apprentice? How do you feel aboutgiving me a hand with a little jailbreak?"
"What's wrong with a little harmless crime
once in a while?"
M. BLAISE
"BUT I'm telling you, Boss, jailbreak is a bad rap. Withyou operating at only half power in the magic department, there's no tellin' what can go wrong, andthen...."
"Before we get all worked up about what can gowrong, Guido," I said, trying to salvage something constructive out of the conversation, "could you give me alittle information on exactly how hard it is to breaksomeone out of jail? Or haven't you been involved inany jailbreaks, either?"
"Of course I've been along on some jailbreaks," thebodyguard declared, drawing himself up proudly. "I'vebeen an accomplice on three jailbreaks. What kind ofMob member do you take me for, anyway?"
With a heroic effort I resisted the temptation to an-swer that particular rhetorical question.
"Okay. So how about a few pointers? This is my firstjailbreak, and I want it to go right."
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90 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 91
I was all set to settle in for a fairly lengthy lecture, butinstead of launching into the subject, Guido looked a bituncomfortable.
"Umm . . . actually, Boss, I don't think you'd wantto use any of the plans I followed. You see, all three of'em were busts. None of 'em worked, and in two of thecapers, the guy we were tryin' to save got killed. That'show I know about what a bad rap a jailbreak is, knowwhat I mean?"
"Oh, swell! Just swell! Tell me. Mister bodyguard,with your allergies and zero-for-three record at jailbreak, did you ever do anything for the Mob thatworked?"
A gentle hand fell on my shoulder from behind.
"Hey! Ease up a little. High Roller," Massha saidsoftly. "I know you're worried about your partner, butdon't take it out on Guido ... or me, either, for thatmatter. We may not be much, but we're here and tryingto help as best we can when we'd both just as soon bebac.k at the Bazaar. You're in a bad enough spot without starting a two-front war by turning on your allies."
I started to snap at her, but caught myself in time.Instead, I drew a long ragged breath and blew it outslowly. She was right. My nerves were stretched to thebreaking point.. . which served me right for not following my own advice.
We were currently holed up at the Dispatcher's, theonly place I could think of for an in-town base ofoperations, and as soon as we had arrived, I had insistedthat both Massha and Guido grab a bit of sleep. We hadbeen going nonstop ever since stepping through the doorinto Limbo, and I figured that the troops would need allthe rest they could get before we tried to spring Aahz.Of course, once I had convinced them of the necessity ofracking out, I promptly ignored my own wisdom and
stayed up thinking for the duration.
The rationalization I used for this insane action wasthat I wanted some extra time uninterrupted to rechargemy internal batteries, so whatever minimal magic I hadat my disposal would be ready for our efforts. In actuality, what I did was worry. While I had indeed takenpart in several criminal activities since teaming up withAahz, they had all been planned by either Aahz or Tananda. This was my first time to get involved in master-minding a caper, and the stakes were high. Not onlyAahz's but Massha's and Guide's futures were riding onmy successful debut, and my confidence level was at anall-time low. After much pondering, I had decided toswallow my pride and lean heavily on Guide's expertise,which was why it hit me so hard when I discovered thathe knew even less about successful jailbreaks than I.
"Sorry, Guido," I said, trying to restructure mythinking. "I guess I'm more tired than I realized. Didn'tmean to snap at you."
"Don't worry. Boss," the bodyguard grinned. "I'vebeen expectin' it. All the big operators I've worked withget a little crabby when the heat's on. If anything, yourtemper gettin' short is the best thing I've seen since westarted this caper. That's why I've been so jumpy my-self. I wasn't sure if you weren't taking the job seriously, or if you were just too dumb to know the kind ofodds we were up against. Now that you're acting normalfor the situation, I feel a lot better about how it's goin'to come out in the end."
Terrific! Now that I was at the end of my rope, oureternal pessimist thought things were going great.
"Okay," I said, rubbing my forehead with one fin-ger, "we haven't got much information to go on, andwhat we do know is bad. According to Vilhelm, Aahz isbeing held in the most escape-proof cell they have,
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which is the top floor of the highest tower in town. If wetry to take him from the inside, we're going to have tofool or fight every guard on the way up and down. Tome, that means our best bet is to spring him from theoutside."
My assistants nodded vigorously, their faces as en-thusiastic as if I had just said something startlinglyoriginal and clever.
"Now, with my powers at low ebb. I don't think I canlevitate that far and spring the cell. Massha, do youhave anything in your jewelry collection that wouldwork for rope and climbing hooks?''
"Nno," she said hesitantly, which surprised me.She usually had a complete inventory of her nastypretties on the tip of her tongue.
"I saw a coil of rope hangin' just inside the door,"Guido supplied.
"I noticed it, too," I acknowledged, "but it isn'tnearly long enough. We'll just have to use up my powergetting up to the cell and figure some other way ofopening the window."
"Ummm . . . you don't have to do that. High
Roller," Massha said with a sigh. "I've got somethingwe can use."
"What's that?"
"The belt I'm wearing with all my gear hung on it.It's a levitation belt. The controls aren't horribly reliable, but it should do to get us to the top of the tower."
I cocked an eyebrow at my apprentice.
"Wait a minute, Massha. Why didn't you mentionthis when I asked?"
She looked away quickly.
"You didn't ask about a belt. Only about rope andclimbing hooks."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 93
"Since when do I have to ask you specific questions... or any questions, for that matter, to get your in-put?"
"All right," she sighed. "If you really want to know,I was hoping we could find a way to do this withoutusing the belt."
"Why?"
"It embarrasses me."
"It what?"
"It embarrasses me. I look silly floating around in theair. It's okay for skinny guys like you and Guido, butwhen I try it, I look like a blimp. All I'd need is Good-year tattooed on my side to make the picture complete."
I closed my eyes and tried to remember that I wastired and that I shouldn't take it out on my friends. Thefact that Massha was worried about appearances while Iwas trying to figure out a way to get us all out of thisalive wasn't really infuriating. It was . . . flattering!That was it! She was so confident of my abilities to getus through this crisis that she had time to think aboutappearances! Of course, the possibility of betraying thatconfidence set me off in another round of worrying.Wonderful.
"You okay. Boss?"
"Hmmm? Yeah. Sure, Guido. Okay. Now Massha
floats up to the window, which leaves you and me freeto...."
"Hold it, Hot Stuff," Massha said, holding up ahand. "I think I'd better explain a little more about thisbelt. I bought it in an 'as-is' rummage sale, and the controls are not all they should be."
"How so?"
"Well, the 'up' control works okay, but the 'altitude'is shaky so you're never sure how much you can lift or
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how high it will go. The real problem, though, is the'down' control. There's no tapering-off effect, so it'seither on or off."
I was never particularly good at technical jargon, butflying was something I knew so I could almost followher.
"Let me see if I've got this right," I said. "When yougo up, you aren't sure how much power you'll have, andwhen you land. ..."
". . .it ain't gentle," she finished for me. "Basically,you fall from whatever height you're at to the ground."
"I don't know much about this magic stuff," Guidocommented dryly, "but that doesn't sound so good.Why would you use a rig like that, anyway?"
"I don't ... at least not for flying," Massha said."Remember, I told you I think it makes me look silly?All I use it for is a utility belt . . . you know, like Bat-man? I mean, it's kind of pretty, and it isn't easy to findbelts in my size."
"Whatever," I said, breaking into their fashion discussion. "We're going to use it tonight to get up to thecell even if it means rigging some kind of ballast system.Now all we need to figure out is how to open the cellwindow and a getaway plan. Guido, it occurs to me thatwe might pick up a few lessons on jailbreaks from yourexperiences even if they were unsuccessful. I mean,negative examples can be as instructive as positive examples. So tell me, in your opinion what went wrong inthe plans you followed in the past?"
The bodyguard's brow furrowed as it took on theunaccustomed exercise of thought.
"I dunno, Boss. It seems that however much planningwas done, something always came up that we hadn'tfigured on. If I had to hang our failures on any onething, I'd say it was just that . . . overplanning. I mean,
after weeks of lectures and practice sessions, you get alittle overconfident, so when something goes wrongyou're caught flatfooted, know what I mean?"
Nervous as we were, that got a laugh from bothMassha and me.
"Well, that's one problem we won't have to worryabout," I said. "Our planning time is always minimal,and for this caper we're going to have to put it togetherin a matter of hours."
"If you take hours, you'll never pull it off," Vilhelmsaid, entering our planning room just in time to hear mylast comment.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Massha growled.
"Say, are you sure you guys are on the level?" thevampire said, ignoring my apprentice. "It occurs to methat I've only got your word on all this . . . that Vic isstill alive and all. If you're taking advantage of my goodnature to get me involved in something crooked...."
"He's alive," I assured him. "I've seen him myselfsince we were here last . . . but you didn't answer thequestion. What was that you were saying about whatwould happen if we took hours to plan the jailbreak?"
The Dispatcher shrugged.
"I suppose you guys know what you're doing and Ishould keep my mouth shut, but I was getting a littleworried. I mean, it's sundown already, and if you'regoing to make your move before the execution, it hadbetter be soon."
"How do you figure that?" I frowned. "The actionisn't slated until high midnight. I had figured on waitinga while until it was dark and things quieted downaround town a little."
"Are you kidding?" the vampire said with a start, hiseyebrows going up to his hairline. "That's when ... oh,I get it. You're still thinking in terms of your off---
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dimension timetables. You've got to ... umm, youmight want to be sitting down for this, Skeeve."
"Lay it on me," I said, rubbing my forehead again."What have I overlooked now? Even without the blindfold and the cigarette I'd just as soon take the bad newsstanding up."
"Well, you've got to remember that you're dealingwith a city of vampires here. Sundown is the equivalentof dawn to us. That's when things start happening, notwhen they start winding down! That means...."
"... that high midnight is a major traffic time andthe longer we wait, the more people there will be on thestreet," I said, trying to suppress a groan.
Once the basic oversight had been pointed out, Icould do my own extrapolations . . . with all their horrible consequences. Trying to fight back my own panic,I turned to my assistants.
"Okay, troops. We're on. Guido, grab that rope yousaw. We may need it before this is over."
The bodyguard's eyes widened with astonishment.
"You mean we're going to start the caper right now?But Boss! We haven't planned... ."
"Hey, Guido," I said, flashing a grin that was almostsane. "You were the one who said that overplanningwas a problem. Well, if you're right, this should be themost successful jailbreak ever!"
"Nice jail. Looks strong.'
H. HOUDINI
VILHELM was right about one thing. The streets werenowhere nearly as crowded as they had been the timeswe navigated their length well after sundown. Only afew stray beings wandered here and there, mostly mak-ing deliveries or sweeping down the sidewalks in front oftheir shops prior to opening. Except for the lack oflight, the streets looked just like any town preparing fora day's business.. . that and the red eyes of the citizens.
We hugged the light as we picked our way acrosstown....
That's right. I said "hugged the light." I try to onlymake the same mistake a dozen times. In other dimensions, we would have "hugged the dark" to avoid beingnoticed or recognized. Here, we "hugged the light."Don't laugh. It worked.
Anyway, as we picked our way through the streets ofBlut, most of my attention was taken up with the task oftrying to map a good getaway route. Getting Aahz out
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of jail I would deal with once we got there. Right now Iwas worried about what we would do once we had himout... a major assumption, I know, but I had so littleoptimism that I clung to what there was with all fours.
The three of us looked enough like vampires in appearance to pass casual inspection. There was no way,however, that we could pass off my scaly green partneras a native without a disguise spell, and I wasn't aboutto bet on having any magical energy left after springingAahz. As such, I was constantly craning my neck to peerdown sidestreets and alleys, hoping to find a little-traveled route by which we could spirit our fugitive colleague out of town without bringing the entire populacedown on our necks. By the time we reached our destination, I was pretty sure I could get us back to the Dispatcher's by the route we were following, and positivelysure that if I tried to take us there by the back routes, Iwould get us totally and helplessly lost.
"Well, Boss. This is it. Think we can crack it?"
I don't think Guido really expected an answer. Hewas just talking to break the silence that had fallen overus as we stood looking at our target.
The Municipal Building was an imposing structure,with thick stone walls and a corner tower that stretchedup almost out of sight into the darkness. It didn't looklike we could put a dent in it with a cannon ... if we hada cannon, which we didn't. I was used to the tents of theBazaar or the rather ramshackle building style of Klah.While I had been gradually getting over being overawedby the construction prevalent here in Blut, this place in-timidated me. I'd seen shakier looking mountains!
"Well, one thing's for certain," I began, almostunder my breath.
"What's that?"
"Staring at it isn't going to make it any weaker."
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Neither of my assistants laughed at my joke, but thenagain, neither did I.
Shaking off a feeling of foreboding, I turned to mystaff.
"All right, Guido. You stay down here and keepwatch. Massha? Do you think that belt of yours can lifttwo? It's time I went topside and took a good look atthis impregnable cell."
My apprentice licked her lips nervously and shrugged.
"I don't know, Hot Stuff. I warned you that the controls on this thing don't work right. It could lift us rightinto orbit for all I know."
I patted her shoulder in what I hoped was a reassuringway.
"Well, give it a try and we'll find out."
She nodded, wrapped one arm around my chest, andused her other hand to play with the jewels on her beltbuckle.
There was a sparkle of light, but beyond that nothing.
"Not enough juice," she mumbled to herself.
"So turn it up already," I urged.
- Even if the vampires tended to avoid light, we were litup like a Christmas tree and bound to attract attentionif we stayed at ground level much longer.
"Cross your fingers," she said grimly and touchedthe jewels again.
The light intensified and we started up fast ... toofast.
"Careful, Boss!" Guido shouted and grabbed my
legs as they went past him.
That brought our progress to a halt. . . well, almost.Instead of rocketing up into the night, we were risingslowly, almost imperceptibly.
"That's got it, High Roller!" Massha exclaimed,shifting her grip to hang onto me with both arms. "A
100 Robert Asprin
little more ballast than I had planned on, though."
I considered briefly telling Guido to let go, but rejected the thought. If the bodyguard released his grip,we'd doubtless resume our previous speed . . . and whilea lot of folks at the Bazaar talked about my meteoricrise, I'd just as soon keep the phrase figurative. Therewas also the minor detail that we were already at aheight where it would be dangerous for Guido to trydropping back to the street. There was that, and hisdeath-grip on my legs.
"Don't tell me, let me guess," I called down to him."You're acrophobic, too?"
The view of Blut that was unfolding beneath us wastruly breathtaking. Truly! My life these days was socluttered with crisis and dangers that a little thing likelooking down on buildings didn't bother me much, buteven I was finding it hard to breathe when confrontedup close with sheer walls adorned with stone creatures.Still, until I felt his fingernails biting into my calves, ithad never occurred to me that such things might upset arough-and-tumble guy like Guido.
"Naw. I got nothin' against spiders," he replied nervously. "It's heights that scare me."
I let that one go. I was busy studying the tower whichcould be viewed much more clearly from this altitude. Ifanything, it looked stronger than the portion of thebuilding that was below us. One feature captured my attention, though. The top portion of the tower, the part Iassumed was Aahz's cell, was shaped like a largedragon's head. The window I had been expecting wasactually the creature's mouth, with its teeth serving asbars.
I should have anticipated something like that, realizing the abundance of stone animals on every otherbuilding in town. Still, it came as a bit of a surprise . . .
MYTH-ING PERSONS 101
but a pleasant surprise. I had been trying to figure a wayto get through iron bars, but stone teeth might be a biteasier. Maybe with Aahz working from the inside and usworking from the outside, we could loosen the mortarand....
I suddenly realized that in a few moments we wouldbe level with the cell . . . and that a few moments afterthat we'd be past it! Unless something was done, anddone fast, to halt our upward progress, we'd only havetime for a few quick words with Aahz before partingcompany permanently. With time running out fast, Icast about for a solution.
The wall was too far away to grab onto, and there wasno way to increase our weight, unless. . ..
When Aahz first taught me to fly, he explained theprocess as "levitation in reverse." That is, instead ofusing the mind to lift objects, you push against theground and lift yourself. Focusing my reservoir of magical energy, I used a small portion to try flying in reverse.Instead of pushing up, I pushed down!
Okay. So I was desperate. In a crisis, I'll try anything,however stupid. Fortunately, this stupid idea worked!
Our upward progress slowed to a halt with me hanging at eye-level with the cell's dragon mouth.
Trying not to show my relief, I raised my voice.
"Hey, Aahz! When are visiting hours?"
For a moment there was no response, and I had a sud-den fear that we were hanging a hundred feet in the airoutside an empty cell. Then my partner's unmistakablecountenance appeared in the window.
"Skeeve?" he said in a skeptical voice. "Skeeve!What are you doing out there?"
"Oh, we were just in the neighborhood and thoughtwe'd drop in," I replied in my best nonchalant voice."Heard you were in a bit of trouble and thought we'd
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better get you out before it got serious."
"Who's we?" my partner demanded, then he focusedon my assistants. "Oh no! Those two? Where are Tananda and Chumley? C'mon, Skeeve. I need a rescueteam and you bring me a circus act!"
"It's the best I could do on short notice," I shotback, slightly annoyed. "Tananda and Chumley aren'tback from their own work yet, but I left a message forthem to catch up with us if they could. Of course, I'mnot sure how much help they'll be. In case you'rewondering why I'm being carried by my apprentice instead of flying free, this particular dimension is exceptionally low on force lines to tap in to. If anything, Ithink I'm pretty lucky that I brought 'these two' alonginstead of ending up with a whole team of forreal magicians who are too proud to use gimmicks. It's thanks to'these two' that I made it this far at all. Now, dtf youwant our help, or do you want to wait for the next teamto float past? I mean, you're in no rush, are you?"
"Now don't get your back up, partner," Aahz saidsoothingly. "You caught me a little off-guard is all. Sotell me, just how do you figure to get me out of here?"
That brought me back to earth ... or as close to it as 1could get while suspended in mid-air.
"Umm . . . actually, Aahz, I was kinda hoping youmight have a few ideas on the subject. You're usuallypretty good at coming up with plans to get us out oftight spots."
"What I want to know," Guido snarled, turning
slightly in the wind, "is how come your partner hasn'tfigured a way out of there all by himself, if he's so all-fired smart?"
I started to rebuke my bodyguard, but slowly hiswords sank in. That was a good question! Aahz wasstrong ... I mean STRONG! By rights he should have
been able to rip the stone teeth out of the window all byhimself. What was keeping him here?
"Oh, I'm having so much fun in here I just couldn'tbear to leave," Aahz barked back. "I'm in here becauseI can't get out, that's why. What's more, if any of youhave any ideas about how to get me out, I think now's areal good time to share them with the rest of us."
"Wait a minute, Aahz," I said. "Why can't you getout... and how did they catch you in the first place?"
"I was framed," my partner retorted, but I noticedhis voice was a bit more subdued.
"We already know that." Impressed. "What I want toknow is why you didn't just bust a few heads and sprintfor home? You've never been particularly respectful oflocal authority before."
To my surprise, Aahz actually looked embarrassed.
"I was drugged," he said in a disgusted tone. "Theyput something in my drink, and the next thing I knew Ihad a stake and mallet in my hands and a room full ofofficials. Whatever it was they used, it kept me groggyall the way through the trial... I mean I couldn't walkstraight, much less defend myself coherently, and afterthat I was in/we!"
"The old Mickey Finn trick!" Massha snorted, rock-ing our entire formation. "I'm surprised someone asoff-worldly as you could get caught by such a cornystunt."
"Yeah. It surprised me, too!" Aahz admitted. "Imean, that gag is so old, who would really expect any-one to try it at all?"
"Only if you figured the mark was louder than he wassmart," Guido sneered.
"Is that so!" my partner snapped, ready to renewtheir old rivalry. "Well, when I get out of here, you andme can...."
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"Stop it, you two," I ordered. "Right now the
problem is to get us all out of here before the balloongoes up ... no offense, Massha. Now spill, Aahz.What's so special about this cell that's keeping you bottled up?"
My partner heaved a great sigh.
"Take another look at it, Skeeve. A close look."
I did. It still looked the same to me: a tower room inthe shape of a dragon's head.
"Yeah. Okay. So?"
"So remember where we are. This thing was built tohold vampire criminals. You know, beings with super-human strength that can change into mist?"
My gaze flew back to the dragon's head.
"I don't get it," I admitted. "How can any stone cellhold beings like that?"
"That's the point." Aahz winced. "A stone cellcan't\ This thing is made of living stone. If whoever'sinside tries to bust out, it swallows them. If they try toturn into mist, it inhales them."
"You mean...."
"Now you're getting the picture."
He flashed his toothy grin at me despite his obviousdepression.
"The cell is alive!"
Startled by this revelation, I looked at the tower topcell again. As if it had been waiting for the right cue, thedragon's head opened its eyes and looked at me.
"For the right person, the impossible is
easy!"
DUMBO
To everyone's surprise, particularly my own, I didn'tfind the revelation about the true nature of Aahz's con-finement at all discouraging. If anything, I was doublypleased. Not only did I have an immediate idea for howto beat the problem, I had arrived at it before myknowledgeable partner . . . well before, as a matter offact, as he had been pondering his dilemma for dayswhereas I had only just received the information. Ofcourse, he was probably not in a position to see the easysolution that I could.
"What are you grinning at?" he demanded. "If
there's anything funny about this, it eludes me completely."
Unlike my own amiable self, Aahz tends to show hisworry by getting mad. Come to think of it, he tends toexpress almost any emotion by getting mad. Well, atleast he's consistent.
"Tell me," I said, eyeing the dragon's head, "you saythis thing's alive. How alive is it?"
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MYTH-ING PERSONS
107
"What do you mean, 'how alive is it'?" Aahz
scowled. "It's alive enough to swallow me if it gets itinto it's head. That's alive enough for me.
"I mean, can it hear and see?"
"Who cares?" my partner said, in a dazzling displayof charm and curiosity that makes him so lovable. "Ihadn't planned on asking it out for a date."
I stared thoughtfully at the beast.
"I was just wondering if it could hear me ... say, if Isaid that I thought it was the ugliest building decorationI've seen here in town?"
The dragon's head rewarded me by narrowing its eyesinto an evil glare.
"I think it can hear you, Boss," Guido said, shiftinghis grip nervously. "It doesn't look like it liked that lastcomment."
"Oh, swell!" Aahz grumbled. "Tell you what, partner. Why don't you come in here and sit on this thing'stongue instead of me before you start getting it all riled
Up?"
"I was just checking." I smiled. "To tell the truth, Ithink it's the most incredible thing I've seen since Istarted traveling the dimensions. I just said that other totest its reactions."
The dragon stopped glaring, but it still looked a littlebit suspicous and wary.
"Well, find some other reaction to test, okay?" mypartner snapped. "For some obscure reason, I'm a littlenervous these days, and every time this thing moves itstongue I age a few centuries."
I ignored his grumbling and shook one of my legs.
"Hey, Guido! Are you still paying attention downthere?"
His grip tightened fiercely.
"Of course I'm paying attention, you little ... I
mean, yeah, Boss. There's not much else to do whilewe're hangin'. here, know what I mean? And quit jerk-ing your leg around . . . please?"
I found his verbal slip rather interesting, but nowwasn't the time to investigate further.
"Well, listen up," I said. "Here's what I want you todo. I want you to let go with one hand and pass the ropeup to me. ..."
"No way, Boss! Have you seen how far down it is?I'm not lettin' go no matter what you. ..."
"... because if you don't," I continued as if hehadn't interrupted, "I'm going to start squirmingaround until either you lose your grip with both handsor Massha loses her grip on me. Whichever way it goes,you'll fall. Get my drift? Now for once could you justfollow orders without a lot of back-talk? We don't havemuch time to pull this off."
There was a stricken silence below as Guido absorbedmy ultimatum and weighed the possibilities.
"Pull what off?" Aahz demanded. "Why doesn't
anybody tell me anything? If this master plan of yours isriding on that sorry excuse for a bodyguard, you mightas well give up right now. I've told you all along that hewas too lily-livered to be any good at. ..."
"Who's lily-livered?!" Guido shouted. "Look, BigMouth, as soon as we get you out of there, you and meare going to settle this once and. ..."
"First, we've got to get him out, Guido," I interrupted. "The rope."
"Right, Boss. One rope coming up. We'll see who'slily-livered. The last person who called me that was mymom, and by the time I got done with her...."
Our whole formation began to rock dangerously as hefumbled through his coat one-handed in search of therope. For a minute, I was afraid he was mad enough to
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let go with both hands to speed his search.
"Easy there, Guido," I cautioned. "We can.... ."
"Here it is, Boss!" he said, flipping the rope up soviolently that it almost whacked me in the face. "I hopeyou can use it to hang the son of a...."
"Hanging isn't enough!" Aahz taunted. "It takesmore than a piece of rope to do me in."
"Yeah. It takes a little girl with blue eyes and a spikeddrink," my bodyguard sneered back. "If you think I'mgoing to let you live that one down...."
I forced myself to ignore them. While it was temptingto rally to Luanna's defense, there were other morepressing matters to attend to.
Moving as carefully as I could, I looped one end ofthe rope up and around Massha's waist. It took a coupleof tries and a lot more rope than I would have liked, butfinally I managed to catch the dangling end and tie it off
securely.
"What's with the rope, Hot Stuff?" Massha saidcalmly, the only one of our group who had managed tokeep her cool through the entire proceedings.
"Well, with any luck, in a little while we're going tobe heading down . . . with Aahz," I explained. "Eventhough I know you're strong, I don't think your handsare strong enough to keep a grip on all three of us whilewe make the trip. This is to be sure we don't lose anyone
after we spring the cell."
"Speaking of that," Aahz called, "I'm still waiting tohear how you're going to get me out of this thing. Youmight even say I'm dying to find out."
He wasn't the only one. The dragon's head was
watching my every movement through slitted eyes. I'mnot sure how much pride it took in its job, but it was obvious the beast wasn't getting ready to overwhelm uswith its cooperation.
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Everything was as ready as I could make it, so I decided it was time to play my trump card.
"There's nothing to it, really," I told my partner witha smile. "Talk to me."
It isn't often I catch my old mentor totally by surprise... I get him upset on a fairly regular basis, but totalsurprise was a real rarity. This was one of those goldentimes.
"Say WHAT?" Aahz exclaimed loudly.
"Trust me, Aahz," I insisted. "I know what I'mdoing. Just talk to me. Tell me a story. How did youfirst meet Garkin?"
"Oh, that," he said, rolling his eyes expressively."Well, we were at the same boring cocktail party, see. . . you know, one of those dreary affairs where thecrowd has you pinned against the wall and you get stucktalking to whatever the tide washes up against you?Anyway, he was trying to impress some little bit of fluffwith his magic, which really wasn't all that hot in thosedays ... let me tell you, partner, anytime you start getting depressed with your lack of progress in the magicbusiness, remind me to tell you what your old teacherGarkin was like when we first met. But, as I was saying,out of respect for the craft, I just had to wander overand show them what the real stuff looked like . . . notthat I had any interest in her myself, mind you...."
I felt Guido tugging on my pantleg.
"Say, Boss," he complained. "What is this? I
thought we were in a hurry."
"This is what we needed the time for," I whisperedback.
"For thisV he grumbled. "But Boss, if we don't getstarted. ..."
"We're started," I answered. "Now pay attention towhat he's saying."
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I was afraid our side comments might have distractedAahz, but I needn't have worried. As per normal, oncemy partner got on a verbal roll, he wasn't that easy to
stop.
". . .so there we were, just the three of us, mind you,and remember, our clothes were five floors away at this
point...."
"What's going on, Hot Stuff?" Massha hissed fromher position above me. "I know you've heard this storybefore. Heck, I've heard it four times myself."
"Keep your eye on the dragon," I advised her. "Andbe ready to act fast."
I was going through the motions of reacting to Aahz'sstory and fielding the impatient questions of my assistants as best I could, but my real attention was focusedon the dragon's head. My strategy was already working.Aahz's droning account of past glories was starting totake effect.
The dragon's eyes were definitely starting to glaze.
". . .of course, after all that, I just had to take herhome with me. It was the least I could do for the poorthing under the circumstances."
Aahz was winding up his story already! I had to keephim going just a little bit longer.
"Was that the party where you met Tananda?" I
said, deliberately feeding him another cue.
"Tananda? No. That's another story completely. Imet her when I was sitting in on a cut-throat game ofdragon poker over at the Geek's. We had a real pigeonon the line, the kind of idiot who would bet a bustedCorp's a' Corp's into a Unicorn Flush showing,you know? Well, I was a little low on funds just then,
Guido was getting restless again.
"Boss, how much longer are we gonna...."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 111
"Not much longer," I interrupted. "Get hold of therope. We're about to move."
"... now I was holding Ogres back-to-back ... orwas it Elves? No, it was Ogres. I remember becauseTananda had Elves wrapped up. Of course, we didn'tknow that until the end of the hand. Anyway, as soon asthe Geek opened, I bumped him back limit, and Tananda ..."
That did it. I should have known a hand-by-hand,bet-by-bet description of dragon poker would do thetrick.
Without any warning at all, the dragon yawned . . .long and wide.
Aahz broke off his narration, a momentous event initself, and blinked his surprise.
"Quick, Aahz! Jump for it!"
Bewildered as he was, there was nothing wrong withmy partner's reflexes. He was out of the dragon'smouth in a flash, diving through the air to catch therope below Guido.
As soon as his hands closed on our lifeline, severalthings happened at the same time.
With the extra weight on Massha's levitation belt, ourwhole formation started to sink at an alarming rate . . .my apprentice lost her grip on me, giving me minor ropeburns as I clutched madly for the rope, almost too lateto follow the advice I had been so freely giving to everyone else ... and the dragon closed his mouth.
I caught one last glimpse of the beast before we sankfrom sight, and I honestly don't think he even knew wewere gone. His eyelids were at half-mast, and the eyesthemselves were out of focus from boredom. Aahz'sstories tended to have that effect on even vaguely-intelli-gent beings. I had simply found a practical applicationfor the phenomenon.
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"I've gotta change the controls, Hot Stuff!" Masshacalled, alerting me once more to our current situation.
The ground was rushing up to meet us with frightening speed.
I remembered the faulty controls that held all of us at
their mercy.
"No! Wait, Massha! Let me try...."
Exerting my last ounce of reserve power, I worked atlevitating our whole crew. Under normal circumstances,I could lift three people easily and four or five in apinch. Here in Limbo, using everything I had withMassha's belt assisting me, I barely managed to slow
our descent to a moderate crawl.
"What happened there, partner?" Aahz called.
"How did you know that thing was going to yawn?"
"Call it a lucky guess," I grunted, still concentratingon keeping us from crashing. "I'll explain later."
"Check the landing zone," Guido warned.
I sneaked a peak.
We had been at our task longer than I thought. Thesidewalk below was crowded with vampires strollinghere and there as Blut's legendary nightlife fired up.
"I don't think we can bluff our way through thisone," Aahz said calmly. "Any chance you can steer usaround the corner into the alley? There doesn't seem to
be as much of a crowd there."
Before I could answer, something flashed past us
from above with a flutter of leather wings.
"JAILBREAK!" it screamed, banking around the
corner. "Murderer on the loose! JAILBREAK!"
"I've never seen so damn many Indians."
G. A. CUSTER
THE words of alarm had an interesting effect on thecrowd below. After a brief glance to see us descendinginto their midst, to a man they turned and ran. In atwinkling, the street was empty.
"What's going on?" I called to Aahz, unable tobelieve our good fortune.
"Beats me!" my partner shouted back. "I guess noneof the normal citizenry want to tangle with an escapedmurderer. Better get us down fast before they figure outhow badly outnumbered we are."
I didn't have to be told twice. Our escape had justgotten an unexpected blessing, but I wasn't about tomake book on how long it would last. I cut my magicalsupport, and we dropped swiftly toward the pavement.
"What was that that blew the whistle on us?" Masshasaid, peering up into the darkness where our mysterioussaboteur had disappeared.
"I think it was that Vic character," Guido answeredfrom below me. "I got a pretty good look at him when
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he bolted past me back at the Woof Writers."
"Really?" I asked, half to myself, twisting around tolook after the departed villain. "That's one more weowe him."
"Later," Aahz commanded, touching down at last."Right now we've got to get out of here."
Guido was beside him in a second. I had to drop aways, as with the extra weight removed from the rope,we had ceased to sink.
"C'mon, Massha!" I called. "Cut the power in thatthing. It's not that far to fall."
"I'm trying!" she snapped back, fiddling with thebelt buckle once more. "The flaming thing's malfunctioning again!"
The belt setting had changed. Holding the rope, Icould feel that there was no longer an upward pull.Unfortunately, Massha wasn't sinking, either. Instead,she hovered in mid-air about fifteen feet up.
"Hey, Boss! We got company!"
I followed my bodyguard's gaze. There was a mobforming down the street to our left, and it didn't lookhappy. Of course, it was hard to tell for sure, but I hadthe definite impression that their eyes were glowing red-der than normal, which I was unable to convince myselfwas a good sign.
"Maasshhhha!" I nagged, my voice rising uncon-trollably as I tugged on the rope.
"It's jammed!" she whimpered. "Go on, take off,Hot Stuff. No sense in all of us getting caught."
"We can't just leave you here," I argued.
"We don't have time for a debate," Aahz snarled."Guido! Get up there ahead of us and keep the streetopen. We can't afford to get cut off. Okay, let's go!"
With that, he snatched the rope out of my hand andtook off running down the street away from the crowdwith Guido out front in point position and Massha
MYTH-ING PERSONS 115
floating over his head like a gaudy balloon. For once, Ididn't object to him giving orders to my bodyguard. Iwas too busy sprinting to keep up with the rest of mygroup.
If the watching mob was having any trouble decidingwhat to do, the sight of us fleeing settled it. With ahowl, they swarmed down the street in pursuit.
When I say "with a howl," I'm not speaking figuratively. As they ran, some of the vampires transformedinto large, fierce-looking dogs, others into bats, pre-sumably to gain more speed in the chase. While Aahzand I had been chased by mobs before, this was the firstpack of pursuers who literally bayed at our heels. I mustsay I didn't care much for the experience.
"Where are we going, Aahz?" I panted.
"Away from them!" he called back.
"I mean, eventually," I pressed. "We're heading thewrong way to get back to our hideout."
"We can't hole up until we've shaken our fan club,"my partner insisted. "Now shut up and run."
I had certain doubts about our ability to elude ourpursuers while towing Massha overhead to mark ourposition, but I followed Aahz's instructions andpumped the pavement for all I was worth. For onething, if I pointed out this obvious fact to my partner,he might simply let go of the rope and leave my apprentice to fend for herself. Then again, the option to running was to stand firm and face the mob. All in all,running seemed like a real good idea.
Guido was surprisingly good at clearing a path for us.I had never really seen my bodyguard in action, but withhis constant carping and allergy problems throughoutthis venture, I was tending to discount his usefulness.Not so. The vampires we encountered in our flight hadnot heard the alarm and were unprepared for the whirl-wind that burst into their midst. Guido never seemed to
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break stride as he barreled into victim after victim, butwhatever he did to them was effective. None of thefallen bodies which marked his progress attempted tointerfere with Aahz or I ... heck, they didn't evenmove.
"River ahead. Boss!" he called over his shoulder.
"What's that?" I puffed, realizing for the first timehow out of shape I had grown during my prosperousstay at the Bazaar.
"A river!" he repeated. "The street we're on is goingto dead-end into a river in a few blocks. I can see it'fromhere. We're going to have to change direction or we'llget pinned against the water."
I wondered whether it wouldn't be a good idea for usto just plunge into the river and put some moving waterbetween us and the vampires, as I seemed to recall alegend that that was one of the things that could stopthem. Then it occurred to me that my bodyguard probably couldn't swim.
"Head right!" Aahz shouted. "There! Up that
alley."
Guido darted off on the indicated course with mypartner and I pounding along about fifteen pacesbehind him. We had built up a bit of a lead on our pursuers, though we could still hear their cries and yelps ablock or so back, and for the first time I started to havethe hope that we might actually elude them. Now thatwe were out of their line of sight....
"Lookout. ..."
There was a sudden cry from above, and Massha
came crashing to the ground, gaming the dubiousdistinction of being the first person I've ever witnesseddoing a belly-flop on dry land. I'm sure the grounddidn't actually shake, but the impact was enough toleave that impression. I experienced a quick flash ofguilt, realizing that my first thought was not for the
well-being of my apprentice, but rather unbridled reliefthat she hadn't landed on one of us.
"I think the controls just came unstuck," Aahz said,rather unnecessarily to my thinking.
"Are you all right, Massha?" I said, crouching overher.
"Whaha ..." came the forced reply.
"Of course, she's not all right," Aahz snapped,assuming translator duties. "At the very least she's gotthe wind knocked out of her."
Whatever the exact extent of the damages sufferedfrom her fall, my apprentice wasn't even trying to rise. Iwould have liked to give her a few minutes recoverytime, but already the sounds of our pursuers were drawing closer.
"Can you carry her, Aahz?"
"Not on my best day," my partner admitted, eyeingMassha's sizable bulk. "How about you? Have you gotenough juice left to levitate her?"
I shook my head violently.
"Used it all supervising our aerial maneuvers back atthe jail."
"Hey. Boss!" Guido hissed, emerging from the
shadows behind us. "The alley's blocked. This is theonly way out!"
And that was that. Even if we got Massha up andmoving, all it meant was that we'd have to retrace oursteps right back into the teeth of the mob. We had runour race . . . and were about to lose it rather spectacularly.
The others knew it, too.
"Well, it's been nice working with you, Guido,"Aahz said with a sigh. "I know I've gotten on your casea couple of times, but you're a good man to havearound in a pinch. You did some really nice crowd workgetting us this far. Sorry about that last turn call."
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"No hard feelings," my bodyguard shrugged. "Yougave it your best shot. This alley would have been mychoice, too, if I'd been workin' alone. Boss, I warnedyou I was a jinx when it came to jailbreaks. I gotta ad-mit, though, for a while there I really thought we weregoin' to pull this one off."
"It was a long shot at best." I grinned. "At least youcan't say that this one suffered from overplanning."
Aahz clapped a hand on my shoulder.
"Well, partner?" he said. "Any thoughts on how toplay this one? Do we try to surrender peacefully, or godown swinging?"
I wasn't sure the crowd would give us a choice. Theywere almost at our alley, and they didn't sound like theycared much for talking.
"NOT THIS WAY! THEY'RE DOUBLING BACK
TOWARD THE JAIL!"
This unexpected cry came from the street near themouth of our alley.
I.couldn't believe it, but apparently the mob did.There were curses and shouted orders, but from theirfast-fading manner it was plain that the crowd hadturned and was now heading back the way they had
come.
"What was that?" Massha managed, her voice returning at last.
I motioned her to be silent and cocked an eyebrow atAahz, silently asking the same question.
He answered with an equally silent shake of the head.Neither of us knew for sure what was going on, butwe both sensed that the timely intervention was neitheraccidental nor a mistake. Someone had deliberatelypulled the crowd off our backs. Before we celebratedour good fortune, we wanted to know who and why.A pair of figures appeared at the mouth of the alley."You can come out now," one of them called.
"Sorry to interfere, but it looked like so much fun wejust had to play, too."
I'd know that voice anywhere, even if I didn'trecognize the figure as well as the unmistakable form ofher brother.
"Tananda! Chumley!" I shouted, waving to pinpointour position. "I was wondering when you'd show up."
The sister-brother team of Trollop and Troll hastenedto join us. For all their lighthearted banter, I can thinkof few beings I'd rather have on or at my side whenthings get tight.
"Are you all right?" Tananda asked, stopping to helpMassha to her feet.
"Really never had much dignity," my apprenticeresponded, "and what little I did have is shot to hell.Except for that I'm fine. I'm starting to see why you BigLeaguers are so down on mechanical magic."
Chumley seized my hand and pumped it vigorously.
"Now don't be too rough on your little gimmicks,ducks," he advised. "That little ring you left us was justthe ticket we needed to get here in time for the latest inour unbroken string of last-minute rescues. Except forthe typical hash you've made of your end-game, it lookslike you've done rather well without us. We've got allpresent and accounted for, including Aahz, who seemsremarkably unscathed after yet one more near-brushwith disaster. Seems like all that's left is a hasty retreatand a slow celebration ... eh, what?"
"That's about the size of it," I agreed. "It's greathaving the two of you along to ride shotgun on our exit,though. Speaking of which, can you find the castle fromhere? I've gotten a little turned around...."
"Hold it right there!" Aahz broke in. "Before we gettoo wrapped up in congratulating each other, aren'tthere a few minor details being overlooked?"
The group looked at each other.
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"Like what?" Tananda said at last.
"Like the fact that I'm still wanted for murder, forone," my partner glared. "Then again, there's the threefugitives we're supposed to be bringing back to Deva
with us."
"Oh, come on, Aahz," the Trollop chided, pokinghim playfully in the ribs. "With the reputation youalready have, what's a little thing like a murder war-rant?"
"I didn't do it," Aahz insisted. "Not only didn't Ikill this Vic character, nobody did. He's still aroundsomewhere laughing down his sleeve at all of us. Nowwhile I'll admit my reputation isn't exactly spotless, itdoesn't include standing still for a bum rap ... or letting someone get away with making a fool of me!"
"Of course, saving the money for paying the
swindlers' debts plus the fines involved has nothing todo with it, eh, Aahz?" Chumley said, winking his larger
eye.
"Well . . . that, too," my partner admitted. "Isn't itnice that we can take care of both unpleasant tasks at
the same time?"
"Maybe we could settle for just catching Vic and let
the others go," I murmured.
"How's that again, partner?"
"Nothing, Aahz," I said with a sigh. "It's just that. . . nothing. C'mon everybody. If we're going to gohunting, it's going to require a bit of planning, and Idon't think we should do it out here in the open."
"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand."
ROMEO
FORTUNATELY, Massha's elevated position during ourflight had given her an excellent view of our surround-ings, and we were able to find our way back to theDispatcher's without being discovered by the arousedpopulace. Now that our numbers had increased, however, Vilhelm's greeting was noticeably cooler.
"I'm starting to believe what everybody says," thelittle vampire complained. "Let one demon in, and thenext thing you know the neighborhood's crawling withthem. When I decided to talk to you folks instead ofblowing the whistle on you, I didn't figure on turningmy office into a meeting place for off-worlders."
"C'mon, Vilhelm," I said, trying to edge my footinto the doorway. "We don't have any place else to goin town. There aren't that many of us."
"We could always just wait out on the street until theauthorities come by," Aahz suggested. "I don't imagineit would take much to convince them that this guy hasbeen harboring fugitives."
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"Can it. Green and Scaly," Massha ordered, puffingherself up to twice her normal size. "Vilhelm's been niceto us so far. and I won't listen to anyone threaten him,even you. Just remember that you'd still be cooling yourheels in the slammer if it weren't for him. Either hehelps of his own free will, or we look elsewhere."Aahz gave ground before her righteous indignation."Are you going to let your apprentice talk to me that
way? "he demanded.
"Only when she's right." I shrugged.
"I say, Aahz," Chumley intervened. "Could you
possibly curb your normally vile manners for a few moments? We don't really need one more enemy in this dimension, and I, for one, would appreciate the chance toextend my thanks to this gentleman before he throws us
out."
When he's working, Chumley goes by the name of
Big Crunch and does a Neanderthal that's the envy ofhalf the barbarians at the Bazaar. On his own time,however, his polished charm has solved a lot of problems for us ... almost as many as Aahz's bluster has
gotten us into.
"Oh, come on in," the Dispatcher grumbled. "Enter
freely and of your own accord and all that. I never couldturn my back on somebody in trouble. Guess that's whyI've never traveled the other dimensions myself. They'd
eat me alive out there."
"Thanks, Vilhelm," I said, slipping past him into the
office before he could change his mind. "You'll haveto forgive my partner. He really isn't always like this.Being on death row hasn't done much for his sense of
humor."
"I guess I'm a little edgy myself," the vampire admitted. "Strange as it sounds, I've been worried aboutyou folks . . . and your motor-mouthed friend who'sbeen keeping me company hasn't helped things much."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 123
I did a quick nose count of our troop.
"Wait a minute," I frowned. "Who's been waitingfor us?"
Now it was Vilhelm's turn to look surprised.
"Didn't one of you send out for a werewolf? He saidhe was with you."
"Aahh! But I am! My friends, they do not know meyet, but I shall be their salvation, no?"
With that, I was overwhelmed by a shaggy rug. Well,at least that's what I thought until it came off the floorand threw itself into my arms with the enthusiasm of apuppy ... a very large puppy.
"What's that?!." Aahz said, his eyes narrowing dangerously. "Skeeve, can't I leave you alone for a fewdays without you picking up every stray in any given dimension?"
"That," in this case, was one of the scroffiest-look-ing werewolves I'd ever seen . . . realizing, of course,that until this moment I'd only seen two. He had darkbushy eyebrows (if you'll believe that on a werewolf)and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on theside. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a han-dlebar mustache, and what might have been a goateepeered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piece-meal, he was very well-groomed. It's just when taken inits entirety that he looked scroffy. Maybe it was theleer... .
"Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untanglemyself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"
"Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me sosuddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to in-troduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I amze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the WoofWriters, they have told me of your problem and I haveflown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le GarouA. and I am at your service."
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Robert Asprin
With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourishthat if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have ap-plauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why theWoof Writers had snickered when they told us theyknew of someone who could help.
"Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand,which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I
wait outside?"
Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No
dimension traveler should be without it."
She produced a small vial and tossed it to my
bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below
your nose."
"Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instructions. "What is it?"
"It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I
think it has a garlic base."
"WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the
vial.
Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins."Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you andtold us about your allergies ... all of them."Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.
"Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spiteof himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, Isuggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearlygave him a heart attack with that last little joke."
This was, of course, just what I needed while strandedin a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melo-dramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it'stime to play practical jokes on each other.
"Ummm . . . tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring myother problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you
think you can...."
"No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"
"Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.
"Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted withmy ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we... how you say, get down to ze business, would you dome ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"
"Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's...."
"But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so longwished to meet you."
If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a badmood, it's flattery . . . and Pepe seemed to be an expertin that category.
"You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean . . .what exactly have you heard? There have been so manyadventures over the years."
"Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from apup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."
"Piere? You know Piere?"
"Do I know him? He is my uncle!"
"No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that?
Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'11 we tell Gus."
I retired from the conversation, apparently forgottenin the reunion.
"Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side."It looks like this could take a while. Should I break outthe wine?"
That got my attention.
"Wine? You've got wine?"
"Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampireadmitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handythe next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, buttalking to you and your friends is a lot more fun thanwatching the tubes."
"Well bring it out... but I get the first glass. Unlessyou've got lots there won't be much left after my partner there gets his claws on it."
I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see
126 Robert Asprin
Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.
"Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying."Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as wellas ... how should I say it, its quantity?"
"You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I neverdid go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my
drift."
I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from
the group.
"Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I
said. "I've been running nonstop since the start of thisthing and could use a little time by myself to recharge
my batteries before we fire up again."
"No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my
shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup. . . and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but
thanks for the bail-out."
"Don't mention it," I grinned weakly. "Tell me you
wouldn't do the same for me."
"Don't know," he retorted. "You've never sucker-punched me at the beginning of a caper."
"Now that I still owe you for."
Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz
hurried away to rejoin the group.
I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secludedcorner while the party went into high gear. Pepe seemedto be fitting in well with the rest of the team, if not fu -tioning as a combination jester and spark plug, butsomehow I felt a bit distant. Sipping my wine, I staredoff into the distance at nothing in particular, letting my
thoughts wander.
"What's the trouble, handsome?"
"Hmmm? Oh. Hi, Tananda. Nothing in particular.
Just a little tired, that's all."
"Mind if I join you?" she said, dropping to the floorbeside me before I could stop her. "So. Are you going
MYTH-ING PERSONS 127
to tell me about it? Who is she?"
I turned my head slowly to look at her directly.
"I beg your pardon?"
She kept her eyes averted, idly running one fingeraround the rim of her goblet.
"Look," she said, "if you don't want to talk aboutit, just say so ... it's really none of my business. Justdon't try to kid me or yourself that there's nothingbothering you. I've known you a long time now, and Ican usually tell when there's something eating you. Mybest guess right now, if I'm any judge of the phenomenon, is that it's a girl."
Ever since I'd met Tananda, I'd had a crush on her.With her words, though, I suddenly realized how badlyI wanted someone to talk to. I mean, to Guido andMassha I was an authority figure, and I wasn't about toopen up to Aahz until I was sure he'd take the problemseriously and not just laugh, and as for Chumley . . .how do you talk about woman problems with a troll?
"Okay. You got me," I said, looking back into mywine. "It's a girl."
"I thought so," Tananda smiled. "Where have youbeen keeping her? Tell me, is she beautiful and sensitive?"
"All that and more." I nodded, taking another drinkfrom my goblet. "She's also on the wrong side."
"Woops," Tananda said, straightening up. "You'dbetter run that one past me again."
I filled her in on my encounters with Luanna. I triedto keep it unbiased and informative, but even I couldtell that my tones were less controlled than I would haveliked.
Tananda sat in silence for a few moments after I'dfinished, hugging her legs and with her chin propped upon her knees.
"Well," she said at last, "from what you say, she's
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an accomplice at best. Maybe we can let her go after weget them all rounded up."
"Sure."
My voice was flat. Both Tananda and I knew that
once Aahz got on his high horse there was no tellinghow merciful or vicious he would be at any given point."Well, there's always a chance," she insisted. "Aahzhas always had a soft spot where you're concerned. Ifyou intercede for her, and if she's willing to abandon
her partners. ..."
"... and, if a table had wings, we could fly it back to
the Bazaar." I frowned. "No, Tananda. First of all, shewon't give up her partners just because they're in acrunch. That much I know. Besides, if I put that kind ofpressure on her, to choose between me and them, I'dnever know for sure if she really wanted me or if she wasjust trying to save her own skin."
Tananda got to her feet.
"Don't become so wise that you're stupid, Skeeve,"she said softly before she left. "Remember, Luanna'salready chosen you twice over her partners. Both timesshe's risked her life and their getaway to pass you awarning. Maybe all she needs is what you haven't yet' given heran invitation for a chance at a new life with anew partner. Don't be so proud or insecure that you'dthrow a genuine admirer to the wolves rather than runthe risk of making a mistake. If you did, I don't thinkI'd like you much . . . and I don't think you would
either."
I pondered Tananda's advice after she'd gone. There
was one additional complication I hadn't had the nerveto mention to her. Whatever Luanna's feelings for mewere, how would they change when she found out I'dused her scarf . . . her token of affection, to guide apack of hunters to their target?
"Everybody needs a career manager!"
LADY MACBETH
"So where is he?" Aahz grumbled for the hundredthtime ... in the last five minutes.
The sun had been up for hours, or at least as up as itseemed to get in this dimension. Since my arrival inLimbo, I had never seen what I am accustomed to thinking of as full sunlight. Whether the constant heavy overcast condition which seemed to prevail during daylighthours was the result of magic or some strange meteor-ologic condition I was never sure, but it did nothing toalleviate the air of gloom that clung to the town of Blutlike a shroud.
The whole team was impatient to get started, butAahz was the only one who indulged himself in expressing his feelings as often ... or as loudly. Of course, itmight have been simply that he was making so much ofa fuss that the others were willing to let him provide thenoise for all of them rather than letting their own effortsget constantly upstaged.
"Just take it easy, partner," I said soothingly, strug---
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Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS
131
gling to keep from snapping at him in my own nervousimpatience. "There aren't that many all-day stores in
this dimension."
"What do you expect, dealing with a bunch of vampires," he snapped. "I still don't like this idea. Non-magical disguises seem unnatural somehow."
I heaved a quiet sigh inside and leaned back to wait,propping my feet up on a chair. This particular quarrelwas old before Vilhelm had left on his shopping trip,and I was tired going over it again and again.
"Be reasonable, Aahz," Tananda said, taking up theslack for me. "You know we can't wander around townlike this . . . especially you with half the city looking foryou. We need disguises, and without a decent powersource, Skeeve here can't handle disguises for all of us.Besides, it's not like we're using mechanical magic. Wewon't be using magic at all."
"That's what everybody keeps telling me," my partner growled. "We're just going to alter our appearanceswithout using spells. That sounds like mechanical magicto me. Do you know what's going to happen to ourreputations if word of this gets back to the Bazaar? Particularly with most of the competition looking for achance to splash a little mud on the Great Skeeve'sname? Remember, we're already getting complaintsthat our prices are too high, and if this gets out...."
The light dawned. I could finally see what was eatingat Aahz. I should have known there was money at the
bottom of this.
"But Aahz," I chimed in, "our fees are overpriced.I've been saying that for months. I mean, it's not like weneed the money...."
". .. and I've been telling you for months that it's theonly way to keep the riff-raff from draining away allyour practice time," he shot back angrily. "Remember,your name's supposed to be the Great Skeeve, not the
Red Cross. You don't do charity."
Now we were on familiar ground. Unlike the disguisething, this was one argument I never tired of.
"I'm not talking about charity," I said. "I'm talkingabout a fair fee for services rendered."
"Fair fee?" my partner laughed, rolling his eyes."You mean like that deal you cut with Watzisname?Did he ever tell you about that one, Tananda? We catcha silly bird for this Deveel, see, and my partner chargeshim a flat fee. Not a percentage, mind you, a flat fee.And how much of a flat fee? A hundred gold pieces? Athousand. No. TEN. Ten lousy gold pieces. And half anhour later the Deveel sells his 'poor little bird' for over ahundred thousand. Nice to know we don't do charity,isn't it?"
"C'mon, Aahz," I argued, writhing inside. "Thatwas only five minutes' work. How was I supposed toknow the silly bird was on the endangered species list?Even .you thought it was a good deal until we heard whatthe final sale was. Besides, if I had held out for a percentage and the Deveel had been legit and never sold thething, we wouldn't have even gotten ten gold pieces outof it."
"I never heard the details from your side," Tanandasaid, "but what I picked up on the streets was thateverybody at the Bazaar was really impressed. Mostfolks think that it's a master-stroke of PR for the hot-test magician at the Bazaar to help bring a rarity to thepublic for a mere fraction of his normal fees. It showshe's something other than a cold-hearted businessman... that he really cares about people."
"So what's wrong with being a cold-hearted businessman?" Aahz snorted. "How about the other guy?Everybody thinks he's a villain, and he's crying all theway to the bank. He retired on the profit from that onesale alone."
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"Unless Nanny misled me horribly when she taughtme my numbers," Chumley interrupted, "I figure yourcurrent bankroll could eat that fellow's profit and stillhave room for lunch. Any reason you're so big on squir-reling away so much gold, Aahz? Are you planning on
retiring?"
"No, I'm not planning on retiring," my partnersnapped. "And you're missing the point completely.Money isn't the object."
"It isn't?"
I think everybody grabbed that line at the same time... even Pepe, who hadn't known Aahz all that long.
"Of course not. You can always get more gold. Whatcan't be replaced is time. We all know Skeeve here has along way to go in the magic department. What the restof you keep forgetting is how short a life span he has toplay with . . . maybe a hundred years if he's lucky. AllI'm trying to do is get him the maximum learning timepossible . . . and that means keeping him from using upmos,t of his time on nickel-and-dime adventures. Let thesmalltime operators do those. My partner shouldn'thave to budge away from his studies unless the assignment is something really spectacular. Something thatwill advance his reputation and his career."
There was a long silence while everybody digestedthat one, especially me. Since Aahz had accepted me asa full partner instead of an apprentice, I tended to for-get his role as my teacher and career manager. Thinkingback now, I could see he had never really given up thework, just gotten sneakier. I wouldn't have believed
that was possible.
"How about this particular nickel-and-dime adventure?" Tananda said, breaking the silence. "You know,pulling your tail out of a scrape? Isn't this a little low-brow for the kind of legend you're trying to build?"
The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable, but it
didn't phase Aahz in the least.
"If you'll ask around, you'll find out that I didn'twant him along on this jaunt at all. In fact, I knockedhim cold trying to keep him out. A top-flight magicianshouldn't have to stoop to bill collecting, especiallywhen the risk is disproportionately high."
"Well, it all sounds a little cold-blooded for my taste,Aahz," Chumley put in. "If you extend your logic, ouryoung friend here is only going to work when the dangeris astronomically high, and conversely if the advance-ment to his career is enough, no risk is too great. Thatsounds to me like a sure-fire way to lose a partner and afriend. Like the Geek says, if you keep bucking theodds, sooner or later they're going to catch up withyou."
My partner spun to confront the troll nose-to-nose.
"Of course it's going to be dangerous," he snarled."The magic profession isn't for the faint of heart, andto hit the top he's going to have to be hair-triggered andmean. There's no avoiding that, but I can try to be surehe's ready for it. Why do you think I've been so dead-set against him having bodyguards? If he starts relyingon other people to watch out for him, he's going to losethe edge himself. That's when he's in danger of walkinginto a swinging door."
That brought Guido into the fray.
"Now let me see if I've got this right," my bodyguardsaid. "You don't want me and my cousin Nunzio
around so that the Boss here can handle all the troublehimself? That's crazy talk, know what I mean? Nowlisten to me, 'cause this time I know what I'm sayin'.The higher someone gets on the ladder, the more folkscome huntin' for his head. even if they don't do nothin'they got people gunning for them, 'cause they got powerand respect and there's always somebody who thinksthey can steal it. Now I've seen some of the Big Guys
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who try to act just like you're sayin' . . . they're soscared all the time they don't trust nothin' or nobody.The only one they can count on is themselves, andeverybody else is suspect. That includes total strangers,their own bodyguards, their friends, and their partners.Think about that for a minute."
He leaned back and surveyed the room, addressing
his next comments to everyone.
"People like that don't last long. They don't trustnobody, so they got nobody. Ya can't do everythingalone and sooner or later they're lookin' the wrong wayor asleep when they should be watchin' and it's all over.Now I've done a lot of jobs as a bodyguard, and theywere just jobs, know what I mean? The Boss here is different, and I'm not just sayin' that. He's the best manI've met in my whole life because he likes people andain't afraid to show it. More important, he ain't afraidto risk his neck to help somebody even if it isn 't in hisbest interest. I work double hard for him because Idon't want to see anything happen to him ... and if thatmeans comin' along on weird trips like this, then that'sthe way it is. Anybody that wants to hurt him is gonnahave to come through me ... and that includes fightin'any of you if you want to try to turn him into somethin'he isn't and doesn't want to be."
Massha broke in with a loud clapping of her hands."Bravo, Guido," she said. "I think your problem,Green and Scaly, is that your idea of success is out ofstep with everyone else's. We all want to see good thingshappen for Skeeve, here, but we also like him just theway he is. We've got enough faith in his good sense toback him in whatever move he makes in his develop-ment . . . without trying to frog-march or trick him up a
specific path."
Aahz not only gave ground before this onslaught of
protest, he seemed to shrink in a little on himself.
"I like him too," he mumbled. "I've known him
longer than any of you, remember? He's doing fine, buthe could be so much more. How can he choose a path ifhe can't see it? All I'm trying to do is set him up to bebigger than I ... than we could ever think of beingourselves. What's wrong with that?"
Despite my irritation at having my life discussed as ifI weren't in the room, I was quite touched, by myfriends' loyal defense of me, and most of all by Aahz.
"You know, partner," I said softly, "for a minutethere, you sounded just like my father. He wanted me tobe the best... or more specifically, to be better than hewas. My mom always tried to tell me that it was becausehe loved me, but at that time it just sounded like he wasalways being critical. Maybe she was right. . . I'm moreinclined to believe it today than I was then, but thenagain, I'm older now. If nothing else, I've had to try totell people I love them when the words just won't come. .. and gotten upset with myself when they couldn't seeit when I tried to show them.
"Aahz, I appreciate your concern and I want yourguidance. You're right, there are paths and options Ican't even comprehend yet. But I also have to choosemy own way. I want to be better eventually than I amtoday, but not necessarily the best. I think Guide'sright, there's a big price tag attached to being at the top,and I'd want to think long and hard if I wanted to pay it... even if I was convinced I could, which I'm not. I doknow that if it means giving up the trust I have in youand everybody else in this room, I'll settle for being anickel-and-dime operator. That price I'll never pay willingly."
Silence started to descend again as each of us retreated into his or her own thoughts, then the werewolfbounded into the middle of the assemblage.
"But what is this, eh?" he demanded. "Surely this
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cannot be ze great team of Aahz and Skeeve, ze oneswho can laugh at any dan-gair? "
"You know, Pepe," Aahz said warningly, "you'vegot a great future as a stuffed head."
"My head?" The werewolf blinked. "But she is not. . . oohh. I see now. You make ze joke, eh? Good. Zat
is more like it."
"... and as far as laughing at danger goes," I joinedin, determined to hold up my end of the legend, "theonly danger I see here is dying of boredom. Where isVilhelm anyway?"
"I know you and Aahz are fond of each other,
Skeeve," Chumley yawned, "but you've got to spendmore time with other people. You're starting to soundlike him. Maybe you can tag along the next time I havean assignment."
"Over my dead body," my partner said. "Besides,what could he learn from a troll that I couldn't teach
him myself?"
"J could teach him not to catch birds for Deveels forten gold pieces," the troll grinned, winking at his sister."That seems to be a part of his education you've neglected."
"Izzat so!" my partner bristled. "You're going toteach him about price setting? How about the time youset your own sister up to steal an elephant withoutbothering to check...."
. And they were off again. As I listened, I found myselfreflecting on the fact that while it was nice to know thedepths of my friends' feelings about me, it was far morecomfortable when they managed to conceal it under acloak of banter. For the most part, open sincerity isharder to take than friendly laughter.
"Don't be fooled by appearances."
MALLOY
THINGS were pretty much back to normal by the timeVilhelm returned with our disguises . . . which was agood thing as the process of masking-up proved to be atest of everybody's sense of humor.
Until I had hooked up with Aahz, I had never had occasion to pretend I was anyone but myself. As such, Ihad no way of knowing how long it took to don aphysical disguise without resorting to magic. By the timewe were done, I had a new respect for the skills I hadlearned, not to mention a real longing for a dimension... any dimension with a strong force line to work with.
Tananda was a major help, her experiences with theassassin's guild came into play and she took the lead intrying to coach us into our new roles.
"Guido, straighten up!" she commanded, exasperation creeping into her voice. "You walk like a gangster."
"I am a gangster!" my bodyguard snarled back.
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"Besides, what's wrong with the way I walk? It got us tothe jail, didn't it?"
"Half the town wasn't looking for you then," Tananda argued. "Besides, then you could pick your ownroute. We don't know where the opposition's holed up.We're going to have to walk through crowds on thishunt, and that walk just doesn't make it. Ninety percentof costuming is learning to move like the characteryou're trying to portray. Right now you move likeyou're looking for a fight."
"Try walking like Don Bruce," I suggested. "He's a
gangster, too."
That earned me a black look, but my bodyguard triedto follow my instructions, rising up on the balls of hisfeet and mincing along.
"Better," Tananda said, leaving Guido prancing upand down the room with a scowl on his face.
"How are we doing?"
"Lousy," she confided in me. "This is taking a lotlonger, than it should. I wish there were more mirrors inthis place... heck, any mirrors would be nice."
It hadn't been until we started gearing up that we realized the Dispatcher had no mirrors at all. He claimedthey weren't popular or necessary among vampires.This left us with the unenviable job of checking eachothers' make-up and costumes, a chore which wouldhave been Homeric even if less sensitive egos were involved.
"How're my teeth?" Massha demanded, sticking herhead in front of me and opening her mouth.
It was like staring into the depths of an underground
cave.
"Umm ... the left side is okay, but you're still missing a few on the right. Hang on a second and I'll giveyou a hand."
Teeth were turning out to be a special problem. Wehad hoped to find some of the rubber fangs so prevalentin the Bazaar novelty stores to aid in our disguises. Unfortunately, none of the shops in Blut had them. Theclosest thing they had in stock, according to Vilhelm,were rubber sets of human teeth designed to fit overfangs. The vampire assured us that locally they wereconsidered quite frightening. Faced by this unforeseenshortage, we were resorting to using toothblack toblacken all our teeth except the canines for a close ap-proximation of the vampires we were trying to imitate.When we tried it out, it wasn't a bad effect, but the ac-tual application was causing countless problems. Whenone tried to apply the stuff on oneself without a mirror,it was difficult to get the right teeth, and if one called onone's friends for assistance, one rapidly found that saidfriend was soon possessed by an overpowering impulseto paint one's tongue black instead of the teeth.
"I don't like this cloak," Guido announced, grabbingmy arm. "I want to wear my trench coat."
"Vampires don't wear trench coats," I said firmly."Besides, the cloak really looks great on you. Makesyou look ... I don't know, debonair but menacing."
"Yeah?" he retorted skeptically, craning his neck totry to see himself.
"You think you've got problems?" Massha burst in."Look at what I'm supposed to wear! I'll trade yourcloak for this rig any day."
As you might have noticed, the team was having morethan a little difficulty adapting to their disguises.Massha in particular was rebelling against her costume.
After having been floated over our escape like a balloon over a parade, we feared that she would be one ofthe most immediately recognizable of our group. Assuch, we not only dyed her garish orange hair, we in---
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sisted that her new costume cover as much of her as possible. To this end, Vilhelm had found a dress he called a"moo-moo," a name which did nothing toward endear-ing the garment to my apprentice.
"I mean, really. High Roller," she said, backing me
toward a corner. "Isn't it bad enough that half thetown's seen me as a blimp? Tell me I don't have to be a
cow now."
"Honest, Massha," Vilhelm put in. "The style is
fairly popular here in Blut. A lot of the ladies wear itwho are ... that is, are a bit...."
"Fat!?"
She loomed over the little vampire.
"Is that the word you're groping for, Short and
About To Become Extinct?"
"Let's face it, dear," Tananda said, coming to therescue. "You are carrying a little extra weight there.Believe me, if there's one time you can't kid yourselfabout your body, it's when you're donning costumes. Ifanything, that outfit makes you look a little slimmer."
"Don't try to kid a kidder, sweetie," Massha sighed."But you're right about the costuming thing. This thingis so drab, though. First I'm a blimp, and now I'm an
army tent."
"Now that I'll agree with," Tananda nodded. "Trust
a man to find a drab mu-mu. Tell you what. There's ascarf I was going to use for a belt, but maybe you could
wear it around your neck."
I was afraid that last crack would touch off anotherexplosion, but Massha took it as a helpful suggestionand the two of them went off in search of other possible
adornments.
"Got a minute, partner?"
From the tone of Aahz's voice, I knew the moment I
had been dreading had arrived.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 141
Chumley didn't have to worry about a disguise at all,as trolls were not uncommon in this dimension. Tananda also insisted that she looked enough like a vampire to pass with only minimal modifications. I hadn'tseen any vampires withgreen hair, but she claimed thatshe had, so, as always, I yielded to her greater experience in these matters. I was also on the "minimaldisguise" list, everyone agreeing that no one in Blut hadgotten enough of a look at me to fix the image in theirmind. While I wasn't wild about being so unmemorable,I went along with it ... especially when I saw whatGuido and Massha were going through. The problemswith those two notables have already been mentioned:
troublesome, but not insurmountable. Then there wasAahz....
"Is there something wrong?" I asked innocently.
"You bet your dragon there's something wrong!" mypartner snarled. "And don't try to play innocent withme! It didn't work when you were my apprentice, and itsure isn't going to work now."
Aahz's disguise had presented us with some knottyproblems. Not only was he the most wanted member ofour party, he was also easily the most distinctive. Afterthe trial and his time in jail, it was doubtful that therewas a single citizen of Blut who wouldn't recognize himon sight. I mean, there just aren't that many scaly greendemons wandering around any dimension . . . exceptpossibly his home dimension of Perv. It was thereforedecided . . . almost unanimously . . . that not onlywould we change my partner's color with make-up, butthat it would also be necessary to change his sex.
"Does this, perchance, have something to do withyour disguise?" I inquired, trying to keep a straight
face.
"Yes, it has something to do with my disguise," he
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mimicked, "and, so help me, partner or no, if you letthat smile get away, I'll punch your lights out. Understand?"
With a great effort I sucked my cheeks in and bit my
lower lip.
"Seriously, though," he said, almost pleading, "a
joke's a joke, but you don't really expect me to go out inpublic looking like this, do you?"
In addition to the aforementioned make-up, Aahz'sdisguise required a dress and a wig. Because of the sizeof his head (a problem Vilhelm had wisely down-playedas much as possible) the selection of wigs available hadbeen understandably small. In fact, the only available inhis size was a number called "Lady Go-GoDiva," whichinvolved a high blonde beehive style offset by a longponytail that hung down to his knees. Actually, theponytail turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as thedark blue dress Vilhelm had selected for my partnerturned out to have an exceptionally low neckline, andthe hair draped over his shoulder helped hide the problem we had had finding ample or suitable material to
stuff his bosom with.
"As my wise old mentor once told me when I was
faced with a similar dilemma," I said sagely, "whatdoes it matter what people think of you? They aren'tsupposed to know it's you, anyway. That's the whole
idea of a disguise."
"But this get-up is humiliating!"
"My words precisely when someone else I could namedeemed it necessary for me to dress up as a girl, remember?"
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Aahz glowered,
peering at me suspiciously.
"Well, there are a couple of other options," I admitted.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 143
"That's more like it!" he grinned, reaching for hiswig.
"You could stay behind. ..."
His hand stopped just short of its mission.
"... or we could forget the whole thing and pay thefine ourselves."
The hand retreated as my partner's shoulders saggedin defeat. I felt no joy at the victory. If anything, I hadbeen half hoping he would be embarrassed enough totake me up on my suggestion of abandoning the project.I should have known better. When there's money involved, it takes more than embarrassment to throwAahz off the scent.. . whether the embarrassment is hisown or someone else's.
"All right, everybody,"- I called, hiding my disappointment. "Are we ready to go?"
"Remember your sunglasses!" Tananda added.
That was the final touch to our disguises. To hide ournon-red eyes, each of us donned a pair of sunglasses.Surveying the final result, I had to admit that aside fromTananda and Chumley, we didn't look like us. Exactlywhat we did look like I wouldn't venture to say, but wesure didn't look like usi
"Okay," Aahz chimed in, his discomfort apparentlybehind him. "Does everyone have their marchingorders? Vilhelm? Are you sure you can track us on thatthing?"
"No problem," the little vampire nodded. "Whenthings get slow around here I use this rig to do a littlewindow peeking right here in town. Covering the streetsis even easier."
"Remember," I told him, "watch for our signal.When we catch up with this Vic character, we're goingto want you to get some responsible local witnesses therechop-chop."
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"Well now," Aahz grinned evilly, "you don't have tobe too quick about it. I wouldn't mind having a littletime alone with him before we turn him over to the
authorities."
My heart sank a little. Aahz sounded determined toexact a bit of vengeance out of this hunt, and I wasn't atall sure he would restrict himself to Vic when it cametime to express his ire.
I think Tananda noticed my concern.
"Ease up a little, Aahz," she said casually. "I don'tmind helping you out of a tight spot, but count me outwhen it comes to excessive force for the sake of vengeance. It lacks class."
"Since when did you worry about excessive violence?" Aahz growled, then shrugged his acceptance."Okay. But maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe he'll resist ar-rest."
I was still worried, but realized that that was about
the most restraint I would get out of my partner.
."Now that that's settled," I said, producing Lu-anna's scarf, "Pepe, take a whiff of this."
"Enchanting," he smiled, nuzzling the piece of cloth."A young lady, no? Eef ze body is as good as ze aroma,I will follow her to the end of ze world whether you ac-company me or not."
I resisted an impulse to wrap the scarf around his
neck and pull.
"All right, everybody," I said, retrieving the scarfand tucking it back into my tunic in what I hoped was acasual manner. "Let's go catch us a renegade vampire."
"The trail's got to be 'round here somewhere!"
D. BOONE
IT was only a few hours short of sunset as we set out onour quest, a nagging reminder of exactly how long ourefforts at physical disguise had taken. We had agreed toavoid following Pepe as a group so as not to attract attention. Instead, we moved singly or in groups of two,using both sides of the street and deliberately walking atdifferent paces. The faster walkers averaged their progress with the slower by occasionally stopping to lookinto shop windows, thereby keeping our group togetherwithout actually appearing to. Tananda pointed outthat not only would this procedure lessen our chances ofbeing noticed, but also that it would maximize ourchances for at least some of the group's escape if one ofus should be discovered ... a truly comforting thought.
Even though Luanna had claimed to have been
watching for us at the Dispatcher's, it had been so longago I fully expected her scent would have long sincedissipated or at least been masked by the passage of
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numerous others. As such, I was moderately surprisedwhen the werewolf signaled almost immediately that hehad found the trail and headed off with a determinedair. Either her scent was stronger than I had thought, orI bad grossly underestimated Pepe's tracking ability.
The trail wound up and down the cobblestoned
streets, and we followed as quickly as we could withoutabandoning our pretense of being casual strollers whodid not know each other. For a while, our group madeup the majority of the beings visible, causing me todoubt the effectiveness of our ruse, but soon the vampires began to emerge to indulge their taste for thenightlife and we became much less obvious.
I was paired up with Chumley, but the troll wasstrangely quiet as we made our way along. At first Ithought he was simply concentrating on keeping thewerewolf in sight, but as time wore on, I found thesilence somehow unnerving. I had always respectedChumley as being one of the saner, leveler heads amongour motley assemblage, and I was starting to have anuneasy impression that he was not wholeheartedly be-hind this venture.
"Is there something bothering you, Chumley?" I
asked at last.
"Hmmm? Oh. Not really, Skeeve. I was just thinking."
"About that?"
The troll let out a small sigh.
"I was just contemplating our adversary, this Vicfellow. You know, from what's been said, he's quiteresourceful in a devious sort of way."
That took me a little aback. So far I had consideredour vampire foe to be everything from an annoyance toa nemesis. The idea of studying his methods had neverentered my mind.
"What leads you to that conclusion?"
The troll pursed his lips as he organized his thoughts.
"Consider what he's accomplished so far. The entiretime we've known of him, he's been on the run . . . firstfrom the Deveels, and then from Aahz, who's no slouch'Sti^wnn.ing people once he sets his mind to it. Now,assuming for the moment that Vic is actually the brainsof the group, he was quick enough to take advantage ofbeing left alone in your waiting room to escape out theback door. He couldn't have planned that in advance,even knowing about the door. He probably had someother plan in mind, and formulated this new course ofaction on the spot."
We paused for a moment to let a small group of vampires cross the intersection in front of us.
"Now, that would have sufficed for an escape in mostinstances, but they happened to pick an exit route thatleft you and Aahz responsible, which set your partneron their trail," Chumley continued. "With nothing togo on but your reputations. Vic not only correctlydeduced that he would be followed, but he also managed to spot Aahz's weakness and exploit it to framehim and make it stick . . . again, not the easiest task,particularly realizing it involved convincing and coach-ing his two accomplices in their roles."
All of this was doing nothing for my peace of mind. Iwas having enough difficulty forcing myself to believethat we were really hunting a vampire, the sort of creature 1 normally avoid at all costs, without having to dealwith the possibility that he was shrewd and resourcefulas well. Still, I had learned that ignoring unpleasantelements of a caper was perhaps the worst way to prepare for them.
"Keep going," I urged.
"Well," the troll sighed, "when you stumbled on his
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hiding place at the Woof Writers, he didn't panic. Hewaited to hear as much of your plans as possible, all thewhile taking advantage of the opportunity to assess youfirst-hand, then timed his escape so as to catch you all
flatfooted."
I digested this distasteful addition to the rapidly
growing data file. "Do you really think he was sizing me
up?"
"There's no doubt in my mind. Not only was he
gauging your skills and determination, he was successfulenough at second-guessing you, based on the results ofhis studies, to be waiting to sound the alarm when youbusted Aahz out of jail. ... a particularly bold movewhen one realizes that he was running the risk of beingrecognized, which would have blown his frame-up of
your partner."
"Bold or desperate," I said thoughtfully. "That'sprobably why he waited until we had actually sprungAahz and were on the way down before he blew thewhistle. If we had gotten away unscathed, then theframe would be useless, so at that point he really wasn't
risking anything."
"Have it your way," the troll shrugged. "The final
analysis remains that we have one tough nut to crack.One can only wonder what he will do when we catch up
with him this time."
"If he's performing up to par, it could be rough on
us."
Chumley shot me a sidelong glance.
"Actually, I was thinking it could be rough on yourlady fair ... if he has managed to observe the feelings
you have for her."
I started to protest, then the impact of his theory hit
me and my embarrassment gave way to concern.
"Is it really that apparent? Do you think he could
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spot it? If so, he might already have done something toLuanna for having contacted us."
"It stands out all over you to anyone who knowsyou," Chumley said, shaking his head. "As for someone watching you for the first time ... I just don'tknow. He'd be more likely to deduce it from the information you had . . . such as his name. That kind ofdata had to come from somewhere, though there's anoutside chance that with your current reputation he'llassume that you gleaned it by some magical source."
I barely heard him. My mind was focused on thepossibility that Luanna might be hurt, and that I mightindirectly have been the cause. A black well of guilt wasrising up to swallow me, when I felt a hand on myshoulder.
"Don't tune out now, Skeeve," Chumley was saying,shaking me slightly. "First of all, we're going to needyou shortly. Secondly, even if Vic's figured out thatyou're in love with her, I don't think he'll have hurt her.If anything, he'll save her for a trump card to useagainst us."
I drew a deep ragged breath.
"... and he'll be just the bastard to do it, too," Isaid. "I don't know what I'll be able to do, for us or forher, but I'll be ready to try. Thanks, Chumley."
The troll was studying me closely.
"Actually, I wasn't thinking that he was such ablighter," he said. "More like a clever, resourceful per-son who's gotten in over his head and is trying his bestto ad-lib his way out. Frankly, Skeeve old boy, in manyways he reminds me of you. You might think about thatwhen attempting to appraise his likely courses of actionand how to counter them."
I tried again to weigh what he was saying, but all Icould think about was what the consequences of this
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hunt could mean to Luanna. It was difficult enough forme to accept that we would have to force Luanna andher cohorts to answer to the authorities for their in-discretions, but the thought of placing her in physical
danger was unbearable.
I looked around for Aahz, fully intending to put anend to this hunt once and for all. To my surprise, therest of the group was assembled on the corner ahead,and my partner was beckoning us to join them.
"What's going on?" I asked, almost to myself.
"Just off-hand," Chumley replied, "I'd say we've
reached our destination."
A cold wave of fear washed over me, and I hurried to
the rendezvous with Chumley close behind.
"We're in luck," Aahz announced as I arrived.
"Guido here says he saw Vic entering the building justas we got here. It's my guess they're all inside right
now."
"Aahz, II want us to quit right now," I blurted,
painfully aware of how weak it sounded.
"Oh?" my partner said, cocking an eyebrow at me.
. "Any particular reason?"
I licked my lips, feeling the eyes of the whole group
on me.
"Only one. I'm in love with one of the fugitives . . .
the girl."
"Yeah. Now tell me something I didn't know," Aahz
smirked, winking at me.
"You knew?"
"All of us knew. In fact, we were just discussing it.Remember, we all know you . . . and me probably bestof all. It's already been pretty much decided to let yourlove-light go. Think of it as a present from us to you.
The other two are ours."
Five minutes ago, that would have made me deliri---
MYTH-ING PERSONS 151
ously happy. Now, it only seemed to complicate things.
"But Chumley was just saying that there's a chancethey might hurt her if they find out she helped us," I explained desperately. "Can't we just let them all go?"
"Not a chance, partner," Aahz said firmly. "In addition to our original reasons, you've just mentioned thenew one. Your girlfriend could be in trouble, and theonly way to be sure she's safe is to remove her partners.. .Fast."
"Believe him, Skeeve," Tananda urged. "It may notbe nice, but it's the best way."
"Really, Boss," Guido said quietly. "Unless we fin-ish this thing here and now, you're never goin' to knowif she's safe, know what I mean?"
That almost made sense, but I was still worried. "Idon't know, Aahz. ..."
"Well I do," my partner snapped. "And the longerwe stand down here, the more chance there is thatthey'll either get away or set up a trap. If you're uncertain, stay down here ... in fact, that's not a bad idea.Massha, you stay down here with him in case they try tobolt out this way. While you're waiting, watch for thewitnesses that Vilhelm's supposed to be sending along.Tananda, you and Chumley and Guido come along withme. This is a job for experienced hard-cases. Pepe, weappreciate your help, but this isn't really your fight."
"But of course." The werewolf grinned. "Besides, Iam a lo-var, not a figh-tar. I will wait here to see thefinale, eh?"
"But Aahz.. .."
"Really, partner, you'll be more help down here. Thisisn't your kind of fight, and we need someone to dealwith the witnesses. You're good at that kind of thing."
"I was going to ask if you had given the signal toVilhelm."
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"S'ignal?" Aahz blinked. "How's this for a signal?!"
With that, he tore off his wig and threw it on theground, followed closely by his dress.
"Think he'll get the message? Besides, no way am Igoing to try to fight in that get-up."
"Now you're talkin'!" Guido crowed.
In a flash he had discarded his cloak and was pullingon his now-familiar trench coat.
"Where did that come from?" I demanded.
"Had it with me all the time," the bodyguard saidsmugly. "It would have been like leaving an old friend
behind."
"Well, if you and your old friend are ready," Tananda murmured, "we'd better get started.
"Itching for action?" Aahz grinned.
"No. More like eager to get off the street," she said."Since you boys have shown your true colors, we're
starting to draw a crowd."
Sure enough, the vampires on the street had ceasedwhatever they had been doing before and were gatheringin knots, whispering together and pointing at our group.
"Umm . . . we'd better finish this fast," Aahz said,shooting a nervous glance around. "All right, gang.
Let's go for the gusto!"
"Go for the what?" I asked, but they were already on
their way into the building.
I noticed they were all moving faster than normal. Ialso noticed that Massha, Pepe, and I were the onlyones left on the street. . . and now the crowd was pointing at us!
"I didn't come all this way to sit out the
fight!"
R. BALBOA
"WHAT'S going on?"
I looked around to find that one of the vampires haddetached himself from his group of friends and was addressing me directly.
"Beats me," Massha interceded. "A bunch of off-worlder types just took off into that building with bloodin their eyes. I'm waiting to see what happens next."
"Far out," the vampire breathed, peering toward thestructure. "I haven't seen that many off-worlders in oneplace except in the flickers. Wasn't one of them thatescaped murderer, Aahz?"
I really didn't want this character to join our littlegroup. While our disguises seemed to be holding upunder casual inspection, I was pretty sure that prolonged close scrutiny would reveal not only the non-local nature of Massha and myself, but also the fact thatwe were trying to hide it.
"You may be right," I said, playing a hunch. "If so,
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it's a good thing you happened along. We're going toneed all the help we can get."
"Help? Help for what?"
"Why to catch the murderer, of course. We can't lethim get away again. I figure it's our duty to stop himourselves or at least slow him up until the authorities ar-rive."
"We? You mean the three of you? You're going to
try to stop a murderer all by yourselves?"
"Four of us now that you're here."
The vampire started backing away.
"Ummm . . . actually I've got to get back to myfriends. We're on our way to a party. Sorry I can't help,but I'll spread the word that you're looking for vol-unteers, okay?"
"Hey, thanks," I called as if I believed him. "We'll
be right here."
By the time I had finished speaking, he had disappeared into the crowd. Mission accomplished.
"Nicely done, my friend," Pepe murmured. "He
does not, how you say, want to get involved, no?"
"That's right," I said, my eyes "on the building again."And to tell you the truth, I'm not too wild about theidea either. What do you think, Massha? It's awfully
quiet in there."
"I'll say," my apprentice agreed. "I'm just trying tofigure out if that's a good or a bad sign. Another tenminutes and I'm heading in there to check it out my-self."
I nodded my consent, even though I doubted she sawit. We both had our eyes glued to the building, mem-orizing its every detail.
It was a four-story structure ... or it would be if itweren't for the curved peak that jutted out from theroof fully half-again as high as the main building. It
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looked as if the builder had suddenly added the adornment in a last-minute attempt to have his work stand astall or taller than its neighbors. From the number ofwindows in the main structure, I guessed it was anapartment building or a hotel or something. In short, itlooked like it had a lot of little rooms. I found myselfwondering exactly how our strike force was supposed tolocate their target without kicking in every door in theplace ... a possibility I wouldn't put past Aahz.
I was about to express this fear to Massha when aloud crash sounded from within.
"What was that?" I demanded of no one in particular.
"Sounded like a loud crash," my apprentice suppliedhelpfully.
I forced myself to remember 'that no one out hereknew any more about what was going on inside than Idid.
After the crash, everything was quiet once more. Itried to tell myself that the noise might have nothing atall to do with the strike force, but I didn't believe it for aminute. The crowd was talking excitedly to each otherand straining to see the various windows. They seemedquite confident that something else would happen soon,much more than I, but then again, maybe as city dwel-lers they were more accustomed to such vigils than I.Suddenly, Tananda appeared in the doorway.
"Did they come out this way?" she called.
"No one's been in or out since you went in," I responded.
She swore and started to re-enter the building."What happened?" I shouted desperately.
"We nailed one of them, but Vic got away. He's loosein the building somewhere, and he's got the girl withhim."
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With that, she disappeared before I could make anyfurther inquiries.
Terrific.
"Exciting, eh?" Pepe said. "I tell you, I could watchsuch a chase for hours."
"Well, I can't," I snapped. "I've had it with sittingon the sidelines. Massha? I'm going in there. Want tocome?"
"I dunno. Hot Stuff. I'd like to, but somebodyshould be here to plug this escape route."
"Fine. You wait here, and I'll...."
I turned to enter the building and bumped headlongintoVilhelm.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded, not reallycaring.
The Dispatcher shook his head slightly to clear it.Being smaller, he had gotten the worse ofour collision.
"I'm here with the witnesses, remember? I was supposed to bring them."
, "You were supposed to send them. Oh well, whereare they?"
"Right here," he said, gesturing to a sullen group ofvampires standing behind him. "This is Kirby, andPaul, and Richard, and Adele, and Scott . . . some ofthe most respected citizens in town. Convince them andyou're home free."
Looking at the group, I suddenly realized how Aahzhad ended up on death row. If the jury had been anything like these specimens, they would have hung theirown mothers for jaywalking. While I didn't relish thethought of trying to convince them of anything, I foundmyself being very glad I didn't have to deal with themon a regular basis.
"Okay. So we're here," the one identified as Kirbygrowled. "Just what is it we're supposed to be witnessing? If this is one of your cockamamie deals, Vilhelm...."
I interrupted simply by taking my sunglasses off andopening my eyes wide, displaying their whites. The badreputation of humans in this dimension was sufficient tocapture their undivided attention.
"Perhaps you recall a certain murder trial that tookplace not too long ago?" I said, trying to work thetoothblack off with my tongue. "Well, the convictedmurderer who escaped is my partner, and right now he'sinside that building. He and a few of our friends areabout to show you one surprisingly lively corpse . . .specifically the fellow that my partner is supposed tohave killed. I trust that will be sufficient to convince youof his innocence?"
While the vampires were taken aback by my presencein their midst, they recovered quickly. Like I said, theywere real hard cases and didn't stay impressed verylong.
"So how much time is this going to take?" Kirby saidimpatiently. "I'm giving up my sleep for this, and Idon't get much of it."
That was a good question, so, not having an answer, Istalled.
"You sleep nights? I thought...."
"I'm a day owl," the vampire waved. "It's easier toget my work done when the phone isn't ringing everyfive minutes . . . which usually means waiting untileveryone else is asleep. But we're getting off the subject.The bottom line is that my time is valuable, and thesame holds true for my colleagues. If you think we'regoing to just stand around here until...."
There was a sudden outcry from the crowd, and we alllooked to find them talking excitedly and pointing up atthe roof.
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Robert Asprin
A figure had emerged, fighting to pick his way acrossthe steeply sloped surface while dragging a strugglinggirl by one arm.
Vic!
This was the first time I had gotten a clear look at myfoe, and I was moderately surprised. He was youngerthan I had expected, barely older than myself, and instead of a menacing cloak, he was sporting a whiteturtleneck and sunglasses. It suddenly occurred to methat if sunglasses enabled me to pass for a vampire, thatthey would also let a vampire pass undetected among
humans.
The vampire suddenly stopped as his path was barred
by Tananda, who appeared as if by magic over theedge of the roof. He turned to retrace his steps, only tofind that the trio of Aahz, Guido, and Chumley hademerged behind him, cutting off his retreat.
"I believe, gentlemen and lady, that up there is theelusive body that started this whole thing," I heardmyself saying. "If you can spare a few more moments, Ithink my colleagues will have him in custody so that youmight interrogate him at your leisure."
"Don't be too sure of that. High Roller," Masshacautioned. "Look!"
His chosen routes of escape cut off. Vic was nowscrabbling up the roof peak itself, Luanna hanging inhis grip. While I had to admire his strength, I was a. aloss to understand what he was trying to accomplishwith the manuever. It was obvious that he had been exposed, so why didn't he just give it up?
The answer became apparent in the next few moments. Reaching the apex of the roof, the vampireunderwent a chilling metamorphosis. Before the strikeforce could reach him, he hunched forward and huge
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batwings began to grow and spread from his back. Hisplans gone awry, he was getting ready to escape.
In immediate response to his efforts, Tananda andGuido both produced projectile weapons and shoutedsomething to him. Though the distance was too great tomake out the words clearly, it was obvious to me thatthey were threatening to shoot him down if he tried totake to the air.
"We may have a murder case yet," Kirby murmured,squinting to watch the rooftop drama unfold.
"Murder?" I exclaimed, turning on him. "How canyou call it murder if they're only trying to keep fromescaping your justice? "
"That wasn't what I meant," the vampire said, nevertaking his eyes from the action. "Check it out."
I looked ... and my heart stood still.
Aahz had been trying to ease up the roof peak closerto Vic and his hostage. Vic must have seen him, becausehe was now holding Luanna out over the drop as hepointed an angry finger at my partner. The threat wasunmistakable.
"You know, eet is people like zat who give ze vampires a bad name, eh?" Pepe said, nudging me.
I ignored him, lost in my own anxiety and frustrationat the stalemated situation. A noticeably harder jabfrom Massha broke my reverie, however.
"Hey, Hot Stuff. Do you see what I see?"
I tore my gaze away from the confrontation and shota glance her way. She was standing motionless, herbrow furrowed with concentration and her eyes closed.
It took me a few moments to realize what she wasdoing, then I followed suit, scarcely daring to hope.
There it was! A force line! A big, strong, beautiful,glorious force line.
160 Robert Asprin
I had gotten so used to not having any magical energyat my disposal in this dimension that I hadn't evenbothered to check!
I opened myself to the energy, relished it for a fleetmoment, then rechanneled it.
"Excuse me," I said with a smile, handing my sunglasses to Kirby. "It's about time I took a hand in thisdirectly."
With that, I reached out with my mind, pushed offagainst the ground, and soared upward, setting a coursefor the cornered vampire on the roof.
"All right, pilgrim. This is between you and
me!"
A. HAMILTON
I had hoped to make my approach unobserved, but as Iflew upward, the crowd below let out a roar that drewthe attention of the combatants on the roof. Terrific!When I wanted unobtrusive, I got notoriety.
Reaching a height level with that of the vampire, Ihovered at a discreet distance.
"Put away the nasties," I called to Tananda andGuido. "He's not getting away by air."
They looked a bit rebellious, but followed the order.
"What's with the Peter Pan bit, partner?" Aahzshouted. "Are you feeling your Cheerioats, or did youfinally find a force line?"
"Both." I waved back, then turned my attention toVic.
Though his eyes were obscured by his sunglasses, Icould feel his hateful glare burning into me to the bone."Why don't you just call it quits?" I said in what I
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162 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 163
hoped was a calm, soothing tone. "It's over. We've gotyou outflanked."
For a moment he seemed to waiver with indecision.Then, without warning, he threw Luanna at Aahz.
"Why can't you all just leave me alone!" he
screamed, and dove off the roof.
Aahz somehow managed to snag the girl's hurtlingform, though in the process he lost his balance andtumbled backward down the roof peak, cushioning theimpact with his own body.
I hesitated, torn between the impulse to check onLuanna's welfare and the desire to pursue Vic.
"Go get him!" my partner called. "We're fine!"
That was all the encouragement I needed. Wheelingto my right, I plunged after the fleeing vampire,
What followed was one of the more interesting experiences of my limited magical career. As I mentionedbefore, my form of flying magically isn't really flying. . . it's controlled levitation of oneself. This made en-thusiastic pursuit a real challenge to my abilities. Tocounterbalance the problem, however, Vic couldn'treally fly either'. . . at least he never seemed to flap hiswings. Instead, he appeared content to soar and bankand catch an occasional updraft. This forced him tocontinually circle and double back through roughly thesame area time and time again. This suited me fine, as Ididn't want to wander too far away from my energizingforce line now that I had found it. The idea of runningout of power while suspended fifty feet in the air did notappeal to me at all.
Anyway, our aerial duel rapidly became a curiousmatching of styles with Vic's swooping and circling inhis efforts to escape and my vertical and horizontalmaneuverings to try to intercept him. Needless to say,the conflict was not resolved quickly. As soon as I
would time a move that came close enough to an interception to justify attempting it again. Vic wouldrealize his danger and alter his pattern, leaving me to tryto puzzle out his new course.
The crowd loved it.
They whooped and hollered, their words of encouragement alternately loud and faint as we changedaltitude. It was impossible to tell which of us they werecheering for, though for a while I thought it was me,considering the approval they had expressed when I firsttook off to join the battle. Then I noticed that the crowdwas considerably larger than it had been when I enteredthe fray, and I realized that many of them had not beenaround to witness the beginning of the conflict. Tothem, it probably appeared that a monster from anotherdimension was chasing one of their fellow beingsthrough the sky.
That thought was disquieting enough that I sparedsome of my attention to scan the surrounding rooftopson the off-chance that a local sniper might be preparingto help his fellow countryman. It turned out to be thewisest decision I had made.
As I was looking over my shoulder, I plowed fullforce into Vic, who had doubled back on his own path.The feint would have probably worked if I had seen it,but as it was we collided at maximum speed, the impactmomentarily stunning us both. I managed to grab adouble handful of the vampire's turtleneck as we fellabout ten feet before I adjusted my levitation strengthto support us both.
"What's the matter with you!" I demanded, trying toshake him, which succeeded only in moving us bothback and forth in the air. "Running away won't help."
Then I realized he was crying.
Somehow, this struck me as immensely unfair. I
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mean, how are you supposed to stay mad at a villainthat cries? Okay. So I'm a soft tough. But the cryingreally did make a difference.
"I can't fight you all!" he sobbed, tears streamingdown his cheeks. "Maybe if I knew some magic I couldtake one of you with me ... but at least you're going tohave to work for your kill!"
With that he tore loose from my grasp and swoopedaway.
His words stunned me so much I almost let him es-cape. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to call outto him.
"Hey, dummy! Nobody's trying to kill you!"
"Yeah, sure," he shouted back. "You're up here justfor the fun of it."
He was starting to bank toward the street, and I knewI'd only have time for one more try.
"Look! Will you stop running if I quit chasing you? Ithink there's a major misunderstanding here."
He glanced back over his shoulder and saw that I wasstill where I was when we collided. Altering his courseslightly, he flared his wings and landed on a carved gargoyle ornament jutting out from the side of the building.
"Why should you want to talk?" he called, wiping hisface with one hand. "I thought nothing I could saywould change your mind."
"You'd be surprised," I shouted back. "Say, do youmind if I land on that ledge near you? I feel pretty sillyjust hanging here."
He glanced at the indicated ledge, and I could see hiswings flex nervously.
"C'mon," I urged. "I'll be further away from youthere than I was when we started this chase back on the
roof. You'll still have a clean shot at getting away if I tryanything."
He hesitated, then nodded his consent.
Moving slowly so as not to alarm him, I maneuveredmy way to my new perch. Truth to tell, I was glad to getsomething solid under my feet again. Even using magic,flying can take a lot out of you, and I was relieved to geta chance to rest. Now that I was closer, I could see thatVic was breathing heavily himself. Apparently his formof flying was no picnic either.
"All right," I said in a much more conversationaltone. "Let's take this thing from the top. Who sayswe're trying to kill you?"
"Matt does," the vampire responded. "He's the onewho filled me in on you and your pet demon. To behonest with you, I had never even heard of you untilMatt explained whose home we had stumbled into."
"Matt?" I frowned.
Then I remembered. Of course. The third member ofthe fugitive party. Luanna's old con artist partner whonobody had been paying attention to at all. A germ ofan idea began to form in my head.
"And he says we're out to kill you?"
"That's right. According to him nobody crosses theGreat Skeeve or makes a fool of him and lives . . . andusing your house as an escape route definitely quali-fies."
The reputation thing again. I was beginning to realizewhy so many magicians preferred to lead the lives ofrecluses.
"That's crazy, Vic." I said. "If I tried to kill everybody who's made a fool of me, I'd be armpit-deep incorpses."
"Oh yeah?" he shot back. "Well. if you aren't out to
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kill me, why did you send your pet demon after us?"
Despite my resolve to settle this thing amicably, I wasstarting to get annoyed.
"First of all, he's not my pet demon. He's my partnerand his name is Aahz. Secondly, I didn't send him. Heknocked me out cold and came himself. Third and final,he was never out to kill you. He was trying to bring youand your cohorts back to Deva so we wouldn't get stuckpaying off the people you swindled plus a hefty fine.Are you getting all this, or am I going too fast for you?"
"But I didn't swindle anybody," the vampire protested. "Those two offered me a job helping them sellmagic charms. I didn't know they weren't genuine untilMatt said the customers were mad and we had to run. Isuggested we hide out here because it's the only place Iknow besides the Bazaar."
"Uh-huh," I said, studying the sky. "Next you'll besaying you didn't frame my partner or sound the alarmon us when we tried to spring him."
, Vic's wings dropped as he hung his head.
"That much I can't deny . . . but I was scared! Iframed the demon because it was the .only way I couldthink of to get him off our trail for a while. I reallythought he could get loose on his own, and when I sawyou at the Woof Writers', I knew he was going to getaway. I sounded the alarm hoping you would all getcaught and be detained long enough to give us a headstart. Looking back on it, they were pretty ratty thingsto do, but what would you do if you had a pack of killerdemons on your trail?"
Now that I could identify with. Chumley's wordsabout Vic and I being alike echoed in my ears. I had hadto improvise in some pretty hairy situations myself.
"Wait a minute!" I growled. "Speaking of killer de-mons, what was that bit with you dangling Luanna over
the edge of the building back there?"
"I was bluffing," the vampire shrugged. "Your
friends were threatening to shoot me if I tried to flyaway, and it was the only thing I could think of to try toget them to back off. I wouldn't deliberately hurt any-one . . . especially Luanna. She's sweet. That's why Iwas trying to help her escape with me after they caughtMatt."
That brought me to the question that had been nagging at my mind since I started this wild chase.
"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you justchange into mist and drift away? We could never havecaught you then."
Vic gave a short, bitter laugh.
"Do you know how rough it is to turn into mist?Well, you're a magician. Maybe you do know. Anyway,you might as well know the truth. I'm not much in themagic department... in fact, I'm pretty much a bust asa vampire. I can't even change all the way into a bat!These wings are the best I've been able to do. That'swhy I was looking for a new life in the Bazaar. I'drather be a first-class anything than a third-rate vampire. I mean, I don't even like blood!"
"You should meet my bodyguard." I grinned despitemyself. "He's a gangster who's allergic to garlic."
"Garlic? I love garlic."
I opened my mouth to offer him Guido's job, thenshut it rapidly. If this character was half as desperate ashe sounded, he'd probably take the offer seriously andaccept, and then where would I be? All we needed tocomplete our menagerie was a magic-poor vampire.
"Well," I said instead, "I guess that answers all myquestions except one. Now that you know we aren't try-ing to kill you, are you ready to quit running and facethe music?"
168 Robert Asprin
The vampire gnawed his lower lip as he thought.
"You're sure it will be all right?"
"I can't say for sure until I talk to my partner," I admitted, "but I'm pretty sure things will be amenable.The main problem is to get the murder charges againsthim dropped . . . which I think we've already accomplished. As for you, I think the only thing they couldhave against you is false arrest, and there's no way Aahzwill press charges on that one."
"Why not?"
I gave him my best grin.
"Because if he did, we couldn't take you back toDeva to deal with the swindling charge. Believe me, ifgiven a chance between revenge and saving money, youcan trust Aahz to be forgiving every time."
Vic thought about it for a few more moments, thenshrugged.
"Embarrassment I'm used to dealing with, and Ithink I can beat the swindling rap. C'mon, Skeeve. Let'sget this thing over with."
Having finally reached a truce, however temporary,we descended together to face the waiting crowd.
"There's no accounting for taste!"
COLONEL SANDERS
"BUT Skeeve...."
BANG!
"...I told you before...."
BANG! BANG!
"... I could never abandon Matt...."
BANG!
"... he's my partner!"
BANG .'BANG!
"ButLu...."
BANG!
". . . excuse me. HEY, PARTNER! COULD YOU
KNOCK OFF THE HAMMERING FOR A MINUTE?
I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
HERE!"
"Not a chance," Aahz growled around his mouthfulof nails. "I'm shutting this door permanently beforeanything else happens. But tell you what, I'll try to ham-mer quietly."
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171
If you deduce from all this that we were back at ourplace on Deva, you're right. After some long, terse conversations with the citizens of Blut and fond farewells toVilhelm and Pepe, our whole crew, including our threecaptives, had trooped back to the castle and through thedoor without incident.
I had hoped to have a few moments alone with Lu-anna, but, after several attempts, the best I had beenable to manage was this conversation in the receptionroom under the watchful eyes of Aahz and Matt.
Matt, incidentally, turned out to be a thoroughlyunpleasant individual with a twisted needle-nose, acne,a receding hairline, and the beginnings of a beer-belly.For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what Luannasaw in him.
"But that was when you thought he was in a jam," Isaid, resuming the argument. "Aahz and I have alreadypromised to help defend him and Vic when they gobefore the Merchants Association. There's no need tostand by him yourself.''
"I don't understand you, Skeeve," Luanna declared,shaking her head. "If I wouldn't leave Matt when hewas in trouble, why should I leave him when things looklike they're going to turn out okay? I know you don'tlike him, but he's done all right by me so far ... and Istill owe him for getting me away from the farm."
"But we're making you a good offer," I tried againdesperately. "You can stay here and work for Aahz andme, and if you're interested we could even teach yousome real magic so you don't have to...."
She stopped me by simply laying a hand on my arm.
"I know it's a good offer, Skeeve, and it's nice of youto make it. But for the time being I'm content to staywith Matt. Maybe sometime in the future, when I havea little more to offer you in return, I'll take you up on it
... if the deal's still open."
"Well," I sighed, "if that's really what you
want...."
"Hey! Don't take it so hard, buddy," Matt laughed,
clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You win some, youlose some. This time you lost. No hard feelings. Maybeyou'll have better luck with the next one. We're bothmen of the world, and we know one broad's just like
any other."
"Matt, buddy" I said through clenched teeth, "get
that hand off my shoulder before it loses a body."
As I said, even on our short trip back from Limbo Ihad been so underwhelmed by Matt that I no longereven bothered trying to be polite or mask my dislike forhim. He could grate on my nerves faster than anyone Ihad ever met. If he was a successful con artist, able toinspire trust from total strangers, then I was the Queen
of May.
"Matt's just kidding," Luanna soothed, stepping
between us.
"Well I'm not," I snarled. "Just remember you're
welcome here any time you get fed up with this slug."
"Oh, I imagine we'll be together for quite sometime," Matt leered, patting Luanna lightly on her rump."With you big shots vouching for us we should be ableto beat this swindling rap . . . and even if we lose, sowhat? All it means is I'll have to give them back their
crummy twenty gold pieces."
Aahz's hammering stopped abruptly ... or maybe it
was my heart.
I tried vainly to convince myself that I hadn't heard
him right.
"Twenty gold pieces?" I said slowly.
"Yeah. They caught on to us a lot quicker here at theBazaar than I thought they would. It wasn't much of a
172 Robert Asprin
haul even by my standards. I can't get over the fact thatyou big shots went through so much trouble to drag usback here over a measly twenty gold pieces. There mustbe more to this principle thing than I realized."
"Ummm . . . could I have a word with you, partner?" Aahz said, putting down his hammer.
"I was about to ask the same thing," I admitted,stepping to the far side of the room.
Once we were alone, we stared at each other, neitherwanting to be the first to speak.
"You never did get around to asking Hay-ner howmuch was at stake, did you?" Aahz sighed absently.
"That's the money side of negotiations and I thoughtyou covered it," I murmured. "Funny, we both stoodright there the whole time and heard every word thatwas said, and neither of us caught that omission."
"Funny. Right. I'm dying." My partner grimaced.
"Not as much as you will if word of this gets out," Iwarned. "I vote that we give them the money to pay itoff. I don't want to, but it's the only way I can think ofto keep this thing from becoming public knowledge."
"Done." Aahz nodded. "But let me handle it. IfMatt the Rat there gets wind of the fact that the wholething was a mistake on our part, he'd probably black-mail us for our eyeteeth."
"Right, "I agreed.
With that, we, the two most sought-after, mosthighly-paid magicians at the Bazaar, turned to deal withour charges, reminded once more why humility lies atthe core of greatness.

