
I will not attempt at once to define what is implied by the heading of this paper, because I really do not think we have any term of identical signification, and because, moreover, I am not able to 
Dr. Johnson remarked once upon a time that "some persons would acquire more knowledge in the Hampstead stage than others by taking the grand tour," and he was a wise man in this as in all his other sayings. My discoveries in the way of "shams" have merely arisen from making good use of my eyes; for as I only dwell in the country, though a would-be fashionable city, my opportunities are scanty enough. I see the same faces day after day in the streets, either belonging to idlers or to persons going about their several occupations, while the same old rumble-tumbles daily convey the same old dowagers to their accustomed airing in the public drive. The very beggars are quite familiar to me, from the poor widow who has always got her dear departed husband awaiting burial at the hands of charitable passers-by, to the barefooted rosy-cheeked urchin who tells me has not had a morsel to eat, oh! for ever so long, and winks at a companion round the corner as he thinks he takes me in. These mendicants are shams in their way; but we will let them pass this time. When I go to tea-parties I rarely perceive any novelties among the guests who form their nightly quartets at cards, or play and sing airs which have served as stock pieces during the whole of one season. Beaux being at a premium on these occasions, I have not even the agreeable excitement of noting new flirtations by the way of a change; and we all know that variety is charming.
Thus you must allow that unless I make the most of what passes before my eyes day by day and every day, I may as well close them at once and go to sleep, for all the service they would otherwise be to me. But I flatter myself I am one of the passengers by the Hampstead coach, and never let opportunities slip through my fingers when I can help it. I am not so conceited as to fancy myself a second Spectator, nor should I like my fellow towns-people to shun my society for fear of my discoveries, as the men and women of those times must have dreaded the Argus vision of that very observant individual. But as I have a weakness for "shams," I look out for them diligently, and "when found," I "make a note" of them.
They are, however, so multifarious that it is not easy to form a choice of examples, and state which are genuine and which are--
except that as a general rule, we may set ourselves down as the worse speakers of the two. We islanders, when not engrossed by commerce, are so devoted to our Anglo-Latin and Greek that we scorn to waste any precious time in the cultivation of French, not to mention Italian. These are generally expected to come in the hour of need by inspiration, like preaching, or even dancing; and yet with regard to the latter Mr. Motley carefully informs us in his
In process of time their wishes may be gratified, but usually in so questionable a shape that one is inclined to doubt the desirableness of the change; for it is a singular fact that the votaries of Terpsichore are most frequently such as appear least designed by Nature to shine in the dance, but who are nevertheless willing and anxious to undertake anything, from a quadrille to a polka-mazurka. They are generally very young and slender or decidedly short and stumpy, and by way of contrast, invariably select the tallest and best-looking girls in the room. Woe to those who entrust themselves to their guidance on the plea that 
The young gentlemen of the present day are really remarkable in their way, and deserve some credit for the skill they evince in their getting up. Look at their morning costume! Pork-pies much smaller than the feminine type; coloured shirts that save washing-bills, worn very open at the neck, to exhibit the symmetry of their throats and the evidence of Adam's weakness; small paletots with pegtop sleeves and unmentionables, or knickerbockers and gaiters! They may generally be seen indulging in a cigar or short pipe, even when in female society, and this may account for the undeveloped nature of their conversation, which, to be sure, is not too deep at the best of times. It is usually summed up by, "Awful cold to-day;" "Do you know B----? Got a splendid animal!" "Awfully dull, ain't it?"--and so on, their range of words and ideas only embracing about one quarter of every fourth page of the dictionary. They sit, stand, and walk in free-and-easy attitudes that prove they have the full use of their limbs; and at times, when "awfully bored," they yawn and
stretch themselves by way of relief. As to ever undergoing the exertion of saluting ladies according to the old-fashioned style of raising the hat, that would involve such a startling amount of bodily labour as not to be thought of for an instant; a nod, or a stick lifted to the brim, answers every purpose quite as well. Nevertheless, these nondescripts flatter themselves they are gentlemen, though
"Oh, indeed!" I can hear them exclaim; "and pray, then, what may you call the young ladies of the present day?"
Some of them are shams likewise, but who made them so? Imagination pictures bright, tender, loving beings, all softness, gentle ways, and flowing drapery, and behold instead thereof 
"Certainly not," say these; "a fast girl is all very well for an hour or so to amuse a fellow, but she'll never do for a wife!"
Do you, then, most respectable gents, ever encourage the 
Thank heaven! the homes of Old England still shelter numbers of these; but so long as fast boys and girls divide society between them, they need not regret, as do the Belgravian mothers, that, like sweet violets and fair lilies of the valley, they are suffered to dwell in the shade, unnoticed and unsought.
all this has a vast deal to do with the present very general lament of "nobody coming to marry me, nobody coming to woo!" The wooers cannot get on easily with 
hints upon dress," else how could simple-hearted women be up to the shams they perpetrate?
The other day, while looking about me in the street, I was struck by the appearance of a very fashionably attired lady, whose enormous crinoline displays her richly-trimmed and flounced, or double-skirted, black gown to the best advantage. Revolving this subject of extravagance in my mind, I followed the unknown, and endeavoured to reckon up how many yards of silk might be walking on in front of me. but such a calculation proved for too intricate for one who could never get beyond the rudiments of multiplication; and I could only therefore determine, in a rough way, that a plain dress would have taken half the quantity of stuff and have saved, moreover, the vast amount of ornamentation I saw employed. As I was thus busily occupied we came to a crossing; and the day being a dirty one, my fair friend made careful preparations against accidents. Ladies are always very anxious on this point; indeed, to such an extent as to become totally oblivious that a street is commonly a public thoroughfare traversed by other pedestrians besides themselves. Doubtless they do not care to remark each other's proceedings, but it is different with gentlemen, who, with no petticoats to engross their thoughts and to keep out of harm's way, have full leisure to bestow their attention on other matters. in this age of crinoline, muddy crossings furnish them with a very liberal allowance of ankles on view, some slender and of most bewitching shape; but others, and it must be owned by far the greater number, of very substantial proportions indeed. Being as ready to admire a pretty ankle as any man living, the incognita naturally attracted my notice at this juncture; but in lifting her gown she displayed that which she had not intended to be seen by me, or by any other he or she creature-- a very 
Even some of their crinolines are shams, wooden instead of steel hoops being used, as I have painfully discovered by having my unlucky shins bruised black and blue while quietly proceeding about my business out of doors. Not to mention the martyrdom one endures in churches, where eighteen inches or less, in a narrow pew made to hold six, are allotted to each individual. It being supposed, as a mere matter of course, that the said individual has ample space during a couple of hours, in which to stand or sit (flanked by wooden crinolines!) or kneel, and what is more, say his prayers with a mind totally abstracted from the cares and worries of this life. Truly if under these circumstances a man appear to be devout, I number him forthwith among my shams, whatever he may say to the contrary. I don't see why clergymen should not turn an honest penny by their pews as well as other folk, especially as they are more favoured than most professions, as a rule, with olive branches, but I do think that they should do as they would be done by more than others, and while comfortably stretching their own limbs in a pulpit or reading-desk, or within the altar rails, they ought to compassionate the bodily sufferings endured by their congregations, who are severally "cribbed, cabined, and confined," crinolines, hats and all, in about eighteen inches square!
But whilst enumerating the shams to which the ladies resort in their toilette, I must in fairness point out a novel device adopted by the nobler sex. We have already seen that coloured shirts are often patronized on economical grounds, which some men improve upon by not showing even a line of
white above their black stocks. This is always strongly suggestive to me of their being guiltless of linen anywhere, and now, as proof positive in evidence thereof, an individual possessing strong inventive powers, has started an ingenious substitute. The shopwoman at a stationer's who was packing up some envelopes I had purchased, saw my eye attracted by what I took to be linen shirt-collars, marvelling not a little at their being sold at such an establishment.
"Shirt-collars, sir, in paper; first-rate article, sir."
"
"Oh! lots of Gentlemen, sir. They are very saving; only cost sixpence a dozen, sir."
"And last, perhaps, for half-an-hour. You must drive a thriving trade at that rate."
"Oh! not at all, sir; one a day would answer quite well. That would be less than sixpence a week, while the washing of several linen collars--"
"
"I beg pardon, sir, I am sure, but so many 
There was truth in that, certainly. But imagine the feel of a paper collar; a soldier's stock would be nothing compared to it!
"Can't I tempt you, sir? Many gentlemen--"
I left the shop in a huff at being thought capable of such a thing; sham collars, whether of linen or paper, are an abomination to me, and in consequence my washing bills form a large item in my expenditure. But does anybody actually wear these paper curiosities? Fancy collars intended for ladies' use lay on the counter beside them, and it is natural to suppose that when any article is manufactured in a tolerable quantity, there must be a demand for it. But my ignorance was to be still further enlightened on this subject, for a day or two afterwards I read the following advertisement in the 
Shams of all sorts stand high in the public estimation. Alack! for our old reputation for honesty. Sham lace half a yard deep is paraded with unblushing effrontery, and sham gold chains, bracelets, and pins are worn by everybody; "they look 
It may be considered a distinguishing mark when people are simply styled 
bold round characters.
One of the amusements of this 
Formerly, ordinary folks who were to live respectably on a few hundreds a year, would have gone very quietly to the next church with their nearest relations. The bride would have contented herself with a pretty white bonnet instead of an orange wreath, perhaps even-- I am almost afraid to write it--have worn a coloured silk gown in which she could afterwards travel, in lieu of the customary white 
under those circumstances, or whether young people were less impressed with the sacredness of their vows, and the obligations of the married state, because they did not care to produce an effect which their neighbours would have known to be a sham.
So doth the greater glory dim the less.
The evil rarely ends here, for those who make a sham their starting-point in life, feel called upon to 
I am always reminded of the words of a very clever friend, who possessed the art of entertaining her guests to perfection, but who detested dinner-parties, as all women do in their hearts--"I like to make my guests happy, but I wish I might send them a guinea a-piece instead of an invitation to dinner!" Yes, I fancy we should most of us prefer making a free gift of the guineas which the fish, and the strawberries, and the early peas cost us, rather than endure the martyrdom of a state affair, particularly when we are 
follow on my departure. And so even hospitality has become a sham amongst us. The system is universally condemned, and yet every individual contributes his mite towards its maintenance, so easy it is to lay the blame anywhere but on the right shoulders, and so very difficult to get at people's real selves. Gentlemen affect the tastes and manners of grooms; delicate girls try hard to be as masculine as possible; shopwomen and valets are, in their own and in newspaper estimation, ladies and gentlemen; and the daughters of petty farmers leave their plainer mothers to carry the butter to market, while they remain at home to practise the piano. Brown, Esq., whose establishment boasts of a boy in buttons, feels something akin to contempt for his neighbour, Green, Esq., who only keeps a parlourmaid; but meanwhile he is nigh bursting with envy and uncharitableness on remarking a footman in plush unmentionables standing at the door of Robinson, Esq. Thenceforward he strives to keep up the same appearances on his few hundreds per annum that the other does upon as many thousands. He entertains, because "everyone does it;" because all the requisite things can be hired when they are not actually owned, as only one style of dinners is tolerated in good society, no matter its cost. The feast itself is a mere sham, according to Dr. Wynter, who has helped to show us how the old-fashioned notion that "an Englishman's word is his bond," no longer holds good in these days of adulterations.
We feed upon poisons, and are nevertheless surprised at the increase of strange and dire diseases in the land! We are clad in sham goods, for pure silk and wool are almost numbered with the past; and cotton reigns paramount instead. Wherefore, as "it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good," it is to be hoped that if American squabbles produce a scarcity in the cotton market, those persons who are able and willing to pay high prices may have a chance of obtaining genuine articles for their money. We are thus made to purchase various shams 
One thing, however, is certain, and it is, that I have written with an honest purpose, in the endeavour to expose shams, and induce others to avoid them as I do myself. Who, then, will say that this paper does not contain truth?

