Last night I convinced Chris Gautz and his wife to go with me to see Baby Wants Candy, the improvised one-act musical theater troupe, at Adrian College. When we arrived, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that the Campus Activities Network had decided to waive the $8 admission fee (I'm guessing because they were worried not enough people were going to show up ... more on that later).
At the beginning of each show, the Baby Wants Candy cast asks the audience to yell out "the title of a musical that has never been performed." They choose the first title they hear and immediately, with no preparation, make up a 60-minute musical accompanied by a live band.
I find it's always good to come prepared for an improv show by thinking in advance about what things you'll shout out, so while I ate my Greek Chicken Wrap at Alpha Coney Island, I brainstormed ideas for titles. Here's what I found in my notebook when I revisited it today:
- "Overdressed for Prom"
- "Drunk on the Hindenburg"
- "Moose on the Loose"
- "Too Much Ham"
- "The Best Little Meth Lab in Michigan"
I decided the last one had the most promise and resolved to shout it out. But when the time came, the tall, skinny guy in the cast first named off three past show titles to give the audience an idea of what they were looking for. And of the more than 1,400 titles he could have used, he concluded with "The Best Little Whorehouse in Schaumburg." Rats! Before I could figure out which of my brilliant suggestions to fall back on, somebody in the front row blurted out "Larry Leadfoot."
Here's a summary, as best as I can remember, of what followed:
Larry Oldovich is 15-year-old with giant, size 73 feet. At first it seemed Larry had actual feet made of lead, however this concept was kind of dropped after the opening number, "Larry the Leadfoot."
A woman named something like Maureen or Meredith (I wasn't taking notes, sorry) is secretly in love with Larry. She never finished high school because her family is so poor she couldn't even afford public school. Instead she has been working at the local shoe store to put her younger sister, Paula (I think), through school.
Larry causes the town soccer team to lose every game, creating resentment among the team's other two players, C.J. and the tall, skinny guy (whose character name may never have been established). In the locker room after a game, Tall Skinny Guy tells C.J. he's quitting the team so he can pursue his dream of "tending bees." C.J. instead recommends that they kill Larry.
Larry thinks that all his problems are solved when he sees a full-page ad in the newspaper announcing that a world-renowned plastic surgeon, Dr. Starlight, is coming to town.
Tall Skinny Guy and C.J. confront Larry and reveal their plan to kill him using a "gypsy curse." Larry responds by kicking C.J. in the groin, killing him.
Tall Skinny Guy hides out in the shoe store, where he flirts with both sisters before deciding he likes Paula better once she reveals her secret dream of opening a roadside beekeeping-supply stand.
At his appointment with Dr. Starlight, Larry realizes the surgeon is actually an idiot and demands his money back. At that point Maureen mysteriously appears and agrees to go to the carnival with Larry. On the way, they run into Tall Skinny Guy, who apologizes to Larry for trying to kill him. Paula points out that they'll have to work together if they want to win "The Great Soccer-Off" that closes the carnival every year.
The Great Soccer-Off involves hitting two targets with two soccer balls at the same time. Tall Skinny Guy spots two bees and enlists their help. The bees carry the balls to the targets, winning the $5 million prize. Larry tells Maureen he'll use his share to put her through school, and Tall Skinny Guy tells Paula he'll use his share to open their bee stand. The end.
Here are a few choice lines of dialogue, paraphrased from memory:
- "If there's one thing I've learned working in that shoe store all these years, it's that revenge doesn't pay."
- "I tried to kill somebody for my dream. I don't want to be like Kenneth Lay or Mao Tse-Tung."
- "Sometimes I think Grandpa loves RC Cola more than he loves me."
- "I only thought you were attractive because there were no other girls here."
- "How can I be gay with a name like Dr. Starlight?"
I think you can see the potential this show would have on Broadway.
It's just too bad there weren't more people at the show. There were enough so that the laughter wasn't conspicuously thin, but Dawson Auditorium was far from full.
Gautz lives in Adrian, and he said residents are always complaining about the lack of stuff to do.
"Here's a show with regular performances in Chicago, New York and L.A.," Gautz said, standing at my desk moments ago, "with alumni who have gone on to 'Saturday Night Live,' and there were maybe 50 people there."
Alas, things are the same in pretty much every small town, Jackson included. Part of the problem, no doubt, has to do with getting the word out when events happen — and we here at the Cit Pat are working at doing a better job of that — but residents also have to get out there and support the events that do come to town. You have no right to complain if you just stay on your couch every night and never go out — unless, you know, you have giant lead feet and literally can't move.