<prompt> Human: My husband seems to think Im responsible for financially caring for my mother during retirement. He thinks Im being cold and selfish by not doing this. My mother has not saved a dime for retirement and it is not because she couldnt. She lived way above her means, was constantly in credit card debt, and has serious pride issues that prevented her from getting help even though I offered it. She had terrible money habits and never saved. I just got myself out of massive student debt and finally have financial freedom and I want to use it to help out my own children, not give my mom a monthly allowance that prevents me from doing anything fun or pursing my own hobbies or saving for my own retirement. I buy my mom clothes when I see she needs them and new books and take her out to dinner when I visit. Basically I help her out here and there but I refuse to give her money every month. Am I being cold? My husband is not from a different culture or anything, and its easy for him to say I should do this because his own parents were extremely responsible and saved for their own retirement. Hes never had money problems and I grew up really poor and then was in debt and only now have figured out how to handle money and have any sort of savings and Ill be damned if it I give it to my mom who was so irresponsible for so many years. The worst part is that I found out that because of filial laws in Pennsylvania, if she needs nursing home care and winds up with a bill she cant afford I could legally be responsible for paying it for her the government Has enforced this. They forced one guy to pay 90k after a nursing home sued him for his moms bill! This brought up a lot of questions i was hoping to get help with. Right now shes living on social security and is pretty healthy. What happens if she can no longer care for herself but needs a nursing home? Im not sure if medicare or medicaid covers long term nursing home care. Does it? What do poor older people usually do? This whole situation is causing me to resent my mom and my husband. Can someone please give me some advice. If you are knowledgable about elder care and what options she has as far as nursing homes so that I wont have to pay and she obviously cant pay I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you have a significant other who disagrees on what the responsibility is that we have towards our aging parents is I would like to hear how you managed to work it out. I am not rich by any means and if I had to support her I wouldnt be able to ever enjoy financial freedom  <response>: I think there are a few ways you can go about dealing with this. Some of it depends on your mothers age. Im guessing shes in her 50s since shes apparently still working You didnt say, though, so thats just a wild guess.Do nothing but what youre doing nowThis runs the risk of causing more marital strife and making you feel guilty down the road. No, you are not actually required to do anything for your mother; you didnt ask to be her daughter or to deal with her baggage. I have cut ties with a parent, so I deeply believe this. However, it is all too easy for people to say shes on her own and has to live with her own bad choices, and even for you to feel like thats the truth right now. Yet if anything unfortunate happens to your mother because of her poor planning and your lack of really stepping in, its going to be upsetting for all parties and probably more expensive than if youd stepped in before things went south. Food for thought.Help your mother become more financially savvyYour husband has to realize that money cant be thrown at irresponsible people, with the expectation that it will be used wisely. If you guys are going to aid her, I think the burden of finding where that money is going to come from should be his; if he cant find a way to aid her without sacrificing your and your childrens security, he should pretty clearly see the problem.If you are going to help your mother financially, by giving her money and, really, even if you arent going to help out she absolutely must get some financial education, preferably in a classroom that will require her attendance and participation. This is assuming shes young enough to warrant trying this. Financial classes are cheap and abundant. Id honestly give her an ultimatum: Do this, or Im not paying for anything anymore. If your husband cant see the wisdom in that, and your mother cant recognize the importance of it, I think you really are off the hook then, at least for now.You say you grew up poor and made some bad financial decisions yourself. To me, it sounds less like your mother is ignorant more than anything else. We treat the word ignorant like its negative, but frankly were all ignorant about a lot of things; its just that some things, like finances, are very costly to be ignorant of. If you can get your mother to see for herself how money can and should be used, I think youll find she becomes interested in managing her own affairs, with or without your help. We all have that ah-ha! moment with finances. Shes behind, and at some point she may need extra help, but if you can get her to be self-sufficient and budget well even for a decade or two, that changes a lot.Pay bills directlyIf youre going to spend any money on your mother, Id put it toward bills, not toward clothing and dining out. The two most important bills will likely be electricitygas and money for food, but ask her if you go this route. Sometimes what we think someone needs is not at all what they actually need. Many people, even those who are happy to accept assistance, still feel ashamed discussing what their real needs are.Use the system to your advantageThe U.S. is horrible when it comes to safety nets, but the one demographic that is generally covered is 55. If your mothers very poor, she may qualify not only for Medicare, but for Medicaid as well unfortunately, PA has not expanded Medicaid yet, so that may not pan out. She may qualify for SNAP and similar assistance programs. There are also non-profit organizations, like Meals on Wheels, that can help fill in gaps. All of this depends on just how low-income your mother is, but if she qualifies for anyall of these programs, you absolutely should get her on them now or in the future when shes stopped working?. They are there for a reason not only to protect her, but to protect you from having to sink all your money into this very situation. 