and how to make money and shit but
  I just 
 disappoint everyone who wants things from me because I can't stay motivated because I just don't have a PURPOSE. I just wish I had something I could be proud of and that I could be respected or respect myself for, something I poured all this energy I have inside me into, something that I can die with satisfaction knowing that I did.
with the amount of passion you have already demonstrated, you are going to find this in copious quantities, throughout your life. When in this moment it may seem like these 'purposes' are in 0 places, pretty soon you will find them in infinite places. infinity has a weird tendency to look like 0 sometimes. i think the first step is to be aware of this fact (at least it was for me). which is to realize that massive possibilities and potential exists literally everywhere, in everything. For me, i've dedicated my life to proving this, but before i felt like i had done it, i was always searching for any time i felt like someone else had proved it, and latch onto that and study it and use it as proof that it can be done.