So i've developed a weird habit to make my head feel better. it started off as "night walks" and progressed to "long scary night walks"; picking places that are scary. i think this is because i have a need to feel strong and brave. after that it progressed to walking places i'm sorta not supposed to be, recently it has progressed to what is technically "criminal trespassing". there is a country club type place a few blocks from where i live, and i've been hopping the fence (it's short) and walking around a small part of the grounds for a minute and then leaving. this is very exciting to me cause i've spent my whole life being a baby afraid of authority and conflict, been fighting that since i was a teenager. These night walks are helpful for making my head feel better, But it doesn't seem all good. i get this really demanding nagging tension to keep doing More, and if i don't i'm gonna be a timid weakling who comes in last forever etc. Right now
  it want
 s me to run through the entire grounds. It doesn't seem like it ends. you just feed it and then it wants more. So the thing about the nice 'i can walk outside and do whatever i want" feeling from goin' trespassing is it's fun and then i come down and am faced with The Usual(my ugly face and shit brain that wants to hurt me). I do a lot of music and words and started drawing recently. those are the things i REally care about, in a nice way. the things i think can save me. I'm not sure what i'm trying to ask. I guess i won't die getting caught walking around a country club and my brain plays up the actual stakes as high as it can. but that would feel so unbelievably stupid For a While after dealing with cops and paying whatever that way too big fine would be. it's like a distraction but it has legitimacy cause of how big and deep the nice feeling is after, if only for a minute. But then there is all the bad feeling inbetween. I guess i question how helpful it is vs how dumb it
  is. i'v
 e been talking it out with myself and im struggling to deal with these feelings and what i should do about them
it sounds like you are doing fine. don't forget, writing/drawing and all those other mediums you use, those are actually great opportunities for thrill seeking also