this morning I was feeling pretty shitty about everything, but then I got a good grade on a test and felt better. but THEN, after another hour, I started to feel shitty again because the only thing that had cheered me up was a number that somebody stamped on my level of understanding of a concept. (does that make sense?) I feel that way a lot when I'm making music - like I shouldn't care what people think and that I should just do what I know feels right, but then crippled when the things I make aren't liked OR affirmed when they are. you're in an interesting position because you claim not to give a shit (which I honestly believe is true) but people still love your work and tell you that all the time. you make whatever you want, but "whatever you want" wins awards.

what should I do? how do I ignore them? or how do I balance these two contradictory parts of my brain? OR how do I succeed at making things and feeling like they matter even if they aren't accessible or liked?
you will have to believe in yourself so much that you are willing to start doing things how you want, forever, without waiting for anyone to notice, ever. you really have to be crazy. but the longer you do it, the more real it gets