i am so fucking sick of myself and sick of my bullshit i am such a bitchpussy WHY CAN'T I JUST GET THE FUCK UP AND DO THE THING i have wasted way too much time and every day i like myself that much less it's been so long since i've done anything that i don't think i can and i'm going to be on the level of a child for a very long time and even if i get to where i want to be i may always feel like i'm behind, maybe relative to others but mostly behind myself in a reality where i didn't worry about other people's judgment and just kept going and didn't quit not that i'm worth more or less as a person based on my abilities but a person needs to feel competent at something and they need an outlet otherwise their brains will rot and liquify and pour out of their ears and i think mine did a long time ago. i think this page is the best thing that happened to me in years or maybe even ever because at least i have one place where i can go crazy without fear of
  judgmen
 t and it's not just shouting into a void, there's a real guy on the other end who sees it and might actually give a shit about it on some level, and it gives him an opportunity to have some fun in one tiny particular way that he might not have if i never sent anything, and other people who visit this page might get something out of the exchange. this is the only fun i have in my day. but i'm starting to (well more than before) get really itchy feet and it doesn't feel like enough there's so much i have to do but i don't know what the fuck to do and when i have a good idea of one small step to take i still don't move because i'm so used to not moving that the teeny tiniest slightest inch is excruciating. and the only solution is to do it but then i second guess the thing and figure that if i am trying so hard to avoid it then it must not be the right thing.   you have told me a couple times in the past couple weeks that it sounds like i'm on the right track, b
 ut i am
 seriously not feeling that. many people die of old age on this track. why would i be different?????
because you care so much about it, and you think about it every day