and that you'd rather be alone and create than the opposite, how come ?
well i'm not necessarily alone by choice. i've probably talked about this before, but that's an ongoing question. throughout school i was always very aware that i wanted so badly to be 'included' and have a great group of friends and have lots of fun, but that consistently never became a reality, year after year, for reasons i could never figure out. but there was another thing happening too, which was that i sort of had an infinite world of musical and artistic vision going on, which no one else seemed to relate to. it seems there were infinite things i wanted to figure out and create. and i was always extremely disappointed that no one seemed capable or willing to go on this journey with me. and i think every time i tried to fit in, the reality is that i probably couldn't hide the fact that i was bored with everyone. i was trying not to be, because i wanted so bad to fit in and have friends, but i think in most cases people thought that it was ME who was not interested in THEM. anyway, this pattern continued on and on, through school and beyond. and i continued to develop my skills and ideas fiercely and passionately, sort of regretting being alone but making the most of it, and also clinging on to various threads of social contact .... until one day in a particularly bad season socially (like really there was no one to hang out with), i hit a turning point and realized that i've always known i could and should accomplish something really really serious with my life, and i should probably just accept the fact that i'm going to do this alone. and that's when i really really got serious and professional about it, and keeping journals, and really just working toward it even more seriously than before. that was years ago, and since then i have really no longer had that 'panicked' feeling of being alone -- i accepted it as part of the picture, and never looked back. and i've gotten an insane amount of work done and launched my career. and it's been so many years now that i am totally comfortable and used to the alone-ness, but occasionally maybe a couple times a year it just gets really really annoying