it's hard to tell what the core of importance is when trying to shuffle everything around until it reads like something that 'makes sense'. or maybe it's that when i feel the pressure to do this, i didn't get a chance to decide what i mean, it was imposed on me either by some Authority or my own self thinking it's absolutely necessary. then it's a fight to figure out what makes sense, what makes sense to me, what's going to make sense to whoever's going to see it, and that's hard to tease out especially with a real or even imagined deadline. i get caught up in teasing it up all nice, and it might carry some of the right meaning, but it's severely watered down or the real big points are underdeveloped in favor of presentability. and it's not exactly that i'm consciously trying to make it fake. it's endlessly second-guessing what's strong and what's not when i can delete and rephrase as much as i want. the reason rambling beginning-to-end with no edits works is because it's just everything that goes through my head, which is as real and close to my thoughts as anything...becuase... you know, they're my thoughts. how did that not occur to me? i can't believe myself. well. at least i know now.  rumor has it that i'm a rotten person and everyone knows it.
i have not heard that rumor