One possibility I've found myself considering is that your music represents a mix between your efforts to 1. refocus your attention on what will keep your outlook positive and bring you closer to your goals, and 2. recontextualize the internal and external challenges you face in a way that allows you to face them in an arena of your choosing.  But I'm doing a hell of a lot of projecting here.  Slightly unrelated.  I know you don't like listening to your finished music because of superstition-related reasons, but does this keep you from singing and pla
 ying old
  songs just for the enjoyment of it?
it's more enjoyable to play new songs, or to play other people's old songs, in a new way. it would also be enjoyable to play my own songs in a new way, but we'll save that for the stage, with the band