Today I found myself watching YouTube videos all day, afraid to do anything besides that. I do have feelings of discomfort like that- which makes it hard for me to do activities that seem a bit scary to me even though it's all in my head. But today was the first time I had actually stooped so low in a very very long time. I was procrastinating on these two simple tasks I told myself to fulfill. Prior to playing my keyboard, I wanted to inspect my approach to music and perhaps change it. And I wanted to draw something original because I find that so scary. Both tasks were scary to me- playing the keyboard and drawing something original. The reason why playing the keyboard to me is scary is because my mind numbs to it and I find it harder to innovate. This makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like an insecure failiure. Drawing something original scares me because I'm the past I've found it to be quite a stress enduring task because I judge my wor
 k so har
 shly, I find it difficult to lift myself off the ground and persue an idea because I want it to be so perfect so bad. So both tasks are pretty stress enducing and my procrastination and fear got the best of me. It makes me feel sad. But... procrastinating felt so good that I'm confused to this whole situation. I came to the conclusion this morning that my approach to art was causing unnecessary stress and if I change my approach, art is bound to be more fun for me. But I pussied out! Because I was back in my stupid house that I hate being in and I found it to be so overwhelming I didn't even dare to try. Dammit I'm fucking retarded. ...why is it so hard for me to do this? It honestly upsets me. Oh my god I'm so sorry! I'm apologizing to you and me. Fuck- I could've been out there doing something amazing and getting over these fears but fuck no! All I thought about were those crippling feelings I got out of my past attempts. Ohhhh this is the first time in the past couple day
 s that I
 've actually been this upset. Fuck you tat! Fuck fuck fuck fuck you for being so scared and fuck you for being so unable to change you fucking retarded bitch! Why can't I fucking change myself to actually be the person I dream of??? AAUUGHHHHHHHHHH IM MAD IM MAD IM MAD but you want to hear something? My mind doesn't feel overworked or upset at my dumbass!!! I feel like a piece of shit. You know what? I'm done. Fuck it. I'm going to that damn room and I'm going to create something beautiful. I'm done with this fucking bullshit of sabatoging myself. My punishment for not persuing my fears is to make myself uncomfortable facing my fears. I find that thought quite hillarious for some reason. Anyways I'll be back. Im about to fucking whip my ass and I forgot what other bullshit I was going to say I'm so mad right now BYE
if there is a particular thing you want to accomplish, this is one weird trick i've learned, do it at the very beginning of the day after a very short walk. wake up, very short walk and visualize what you think you intend to do with the day and immediately do it. if you take control of the first hour of the day, the rest of the day falls into your pocket. it's the weirdest thing