so I don't improve. As you see I'm kinda desperate, but that desperation isn't good enough of a fuel: I've attempted a serious approach, playing exercises from a book everyday but after a month the results were scarce, then I was forced to slow down and now I'm back at the beginning again. Back at pointless wankery too. I don't really believe I'm gonna make it 
 anymore.
  I'm thinking of quitting, and not just music. But that's just awful and I can't. I'm stuck, I don't know what to do. I've written folk tales, that didn't help. Maybe I should do something else, but at this point I've given too much to let go, and anyway if I'm this obsessed it's because I've had fun sometines, both listening, making and playing music. But it seems emotions vanish when I need them the most
ah, right. you are seeing the mischievous nature of music. (well, not just music, ........ sometimes it seems almost everything in the world is that way, but that's another story).