This will be a win win solution for everyone  Hire/commission a merch director who takes good quotes or concepts from your content and makes them into good merch with your permission. For exemple gneushk shirts or moon made of cheese tote bags or actual hello sexy pants. This will completely free you from the pressures of making the designs yourself.
that works unless i hate other people's designs, which, if i may reveal a secret, is possibly a core fundamental reason i got into this entire business in the first place