i could be. maybe.    oh fuck i'm doing that thing again where i start with a nothing-phrase because i want to send something but don't have a real question in mind, i just want to be heard and acknowledged, and my feelings all leak out in this lazy-crazy-rambly way but i'm just talking to myself and it just keeps going and going until it's beyond unanswerable and maybe it's also lame and embarrassing there's a nifty new word for that that i fucking hate but only because it applies to the vast majority of my actions (((Cringy))) and then when i realize it's reached the point of being an unanswerable wall of manic cognitive behavioral diarrhea i go on for a few dozen more lines in which i acknowledge this and then i have to decide whether to send it in or save it in my notes and spare you the pain and then i remember that the not-punctuating thing had gotten old. this makes me want to stop sending anything in ever, because frankly i'm being fucking ridiculous. but it's hard to get the words out when you know no one is going to see them. but it's also easy. maybe when i do this i'm in a blended state of that. i start off trying to talk to someone real, but when i think about that, i feel like i'm being fake, so i try to let go of the worry of how it seems and say what i really need to, which turns into just talking to myself. that's the only way i have known how to communicate what i really mean. no one has been there to listen. it's hard to communicate with others on a true level when 99% of your communication is to yourself in the dry echo chamber of your personal language. try to pour the steaming hot crazy into a mold of understandable meaning and the mold melts into it. it's hard to remember what makes sense to other people if you don't talk to other people and you forget what makes sense in the context of you having thought about it at every different angle for hundreds of hours, and then you try to explain it based on the conclusions that you made a  long time ago that you forgot were conclusions that are contingent on a lot of thinking that the other person has not done and cannot understand unless you guide them through that. but it was a long, messy process that you keep forgetting and remembering infinitely. but if you try to fit it into what you know about The World Outside Your Mind, you might find that the things you say aren't necessarily what you mean but things that you've heard that sound like they make sense and, stringed together, sound like what a person  could really be thinking, and that person might be able to understand it, but it feels as if you just tried to make it make sense at the expense of it not matching what you're feeling.
feelings are what actually makes the most sense. all the test market research and focus groups will confirm this