do you know what it's like to repeatedly do things that are bad for you because they make you feel good temporarily? why am i such a loser? i just want to be cool and make cool music and videos and stuff but that's hard and scary so it seems i'm usually running away to instantly gratifying things shit fuck god bless it sometimes i want to literally slap myself in the face and scream get your shit together everything is a paradox and yet it all makes perfect sense. please pray for me.
i think you need to start an audio/video recording and explain in great detail what you *think* the absolute first step is. the absolute very basic 1st physical step. i am guessing you don't exactly know, and the cloud of confusion is what's causing you to run away. i am telling you this because i have been through this process thousands if not millions of times