I kinda sorta got that impression from your reality video from 1.12.12 11:21am.
i just watched it and i did not get that impression whatsoever. i was clamouring for 'normalcy' in early 2011, and throughout 2011 i was able to mostly find what i was looking for, then starting around 2012 i started to fuse them together ('normal' and 'non'). i pretty much spent all the way until 2014 doing this (writing). it was weird, everyone thought i had quit or something. no one expected that i was just trying to learn how the heck i'm supposed to do things