 12.26.19  2:16 am ah, my bad. i will try to communicate better now. the people i'm thinking about is someone who taught me guitar 2008-2012 who i really like, and someone who is currently my voice pathologist but not for much longer who i also really like. they have also both helped me a ton. would love to be great buds with both of them, give them a taste of their own medicine.  i have this brain, that has not grown in accordance with what i want; it has grown like bound feet. most of it is botched and haphazardly assembled techniques for surviving my family, that i have no interest in. then i'll meet someone really cool that i love being around and have very little to offer them. then i disappoint them and myself and then im lonely and angry. that is still rough to try and answer i guess but idk if i can do better
i think you are doing fine. it seems you are a keen observer, and writer. there is a lot of energy that wants to get out, almost too much to comprehend. if you are impressed and struck by how awesome these people are (both of them seem to be instructors of some kind), and struck so strongly so as to write a diligent think-piece about it (as shown above, and before), then i can give you a hint as to what the future may hold, and that's you being every similar kind of awesome, all blended together with your own unique twist. but for someone with your depth of mind, it may take some time to develop. in the meantime, keep in touch with all your own ideas and thoughts and feelings, because these are what is going to develop into the strong guiding force that you likely are on track to be