really cool people happen to me sometimes and do a lot for me, and i thus far have failed to reciprocate well. clearly they also have needs. and something i have is adjacent to said needs, but adolescent at best. the way i act suggests i want to be a fun toy they give attention, forever. this obviously sucks and i super want to be someone who can do for them what they do for me. to be as old and shit as i am i clearly have not bent every effort, to incorporate and  develop these magic gifts i get randomly. maybe a people person type of job would give me more opportunity to train. or i could fall into my bad habits and the time would be wasted, though i feel i may be getting too strong for that now. the magic gifts are artifacts of im not sure but surely a path much different than what i've done.
i am trying to understand your situation, but you seemed to hold back on just enough details that i am still totally clueless about what is going on here. although you wrote it beautifully