they didn't all look exactly the same, it was like how identical twins look mostly the same but have some differences (and identical twins basically are clones, they're two split from one). one of them was much easier to tell each different one apart because she has a particular pattern but the other one is just solid black floof and it was impossible to tell those ones apart. but even with the patterned one i couldn't find the one that could actually be her because none of them had the correct misshapen white star on her back, and i keep comparing all the different cats with all the different incorrect white patches, and i sort of decided one had to be her and sent the rest off, one to my grandfather next door, but as i did th
at i beg
an to have second thoughts and realized the one i sent to my grandfather was most likely her and i ask my brother if he could see about getting her back from him but he tells me that he didn't want to deal with having a cat so he went and got it euthanized the same fucking day. and then i kicked myself for not just checking which cats had an rfid chip and now my fucking cat is fucking dead, and then i feel guilty about all the other cats because it's not like they don't matter because they weren't any less real but i could only deal with the two who had known me and all those other ones didn't give a shit about me because they didn't know me. they were pretty much feral. and i kept trying to keep them all from hurting themselves in the house like a tiny albino floofy one getting stuck in a small water glass and having to pull it out before it drowned, and when i would they would just walk off without any acknowledgement and they didn't come close to warming up to me in any w
ay. and 
then i thought about if one of the clones had gotten euthanized instead. would i have even Cared? if i had found my cat one of the other cats would have been deprived of its newfound life, and by her being sent to my grandfather rather than the clone that otherwise would have been, they were granted the opportunity to live and do their own kitty thing. but it still hurt. it felt like i'd failed her, because i had. but i would have failed the other cat that would have taken her place.   i didn't have a dream last night because i didn't sleep last night. not because of all this but because my sleep schedule is #craycray and instead of sleeping at night i look at your website. just thought i would share because i have no one else to share it with and it was bothering me but i didn't want to forget about it. i figured writing it out would help me remember it better and i've got the questions page pulled up so why the hell not