here's my problem. i used to put on so much pressure on my self gradually to the point that i was about to collapse both mentally and physically. at that time i was so scared by myself that i couldn't manage even a single easy thing. then i spend a lot of time learning how to get muse relaxed, and figured out how to do many things that used to be impossible to me due to my inability to unwind myself. but then i suddenly realized i don't have enough pressure to push myself forward, because i've already 'cured' it. after that for a long time i feels like numerous pieces of self are scattered around, and i am puzzled to find a way to assemble them together and also have the fear to go back to my previous self-defeating state(which, however, i later figure out that it's unable to go back to). that's reason i always find it's so difficult to impose and schedule or order on my life, but without them i can hardly manage to get anything done..i'm still strug
 gling
focus on the result you want and why you want it