id have to hurt him bad to make him leave me alone because withouten that , i was a goner , so you see , it was really self-defense , and for his good too that i set out to do what i did ( which like i said , i aint proud of , but im telling you so youll know the truth about me and how truly bad i can be , to do such a thing to the person who loved me most -- outside my own family , of course after all , bloods thicker n mud -- because i knew if i dint do something to make him go away , id do something really bad .